Original subtitles

On nature, it's beautiful.

And what better place to enjoy it than a summer camp?

Welcome to Camp Big Teepee, a place where children come year after year to gain the

experience that only a summer camp can provide.

Experiences that will last a lifetime.

Children will learn to share, to make friends.

They'll learn to swim and acquire valuable skills, such as woodworking.

Yes, Camp Big Teepee provides the physical exercise that enables young bodies to grow.

My chest grew a quarter of an inch since last week.

And everyone will learn the value of determination and self-restraint.

Could it be three days?

Without wetting my bed?

Three days?

Two.

Two days.

Yes, campers will be guided by the very

responsible counselors who are always on the ball.

Dick.

And Jade.

Oh, Dick.

And Jade.

Oh, Dick.

C-Spot, run.

Oh, yeah.

But most important, children are taught to appreciate nature.

Oh, the forest.

Such a wondrous place.

Come, campers, let us explore.

If we keep our eyes and ears open, we might be able to see some of nature's

busy little creatures in their natural habitat.

Oh.

Now listen carefully.

This region abounds with many of the furry animals.

Such as raccoon and beaver.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Watch your step.

The brush is thick here.

It's hard to see where you're going.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Attention, campers, like, report to the Toddly Grody mess hall!

The summer speech thing, okay?

Campers, it has been a productive summer.

I know we've all come a long way in six weeks.

We've had fun, but we've matured... Absolutely.

Now don't forget to tell mom and dad what a terrific time you've had so that you can

all come back next year to be further enriched, and we can all make more money.

Uh, friends.

Attention, campus.

Okay, let's go to your...

Now follow me, girls.

And do exactly as I do.

One, two, stretch.

One, two, stretch.

One, two, stretch.

Girls!

Do exactly as I do.

The morning activity is nature, Ken?

Oh!

I hate nature!

Nature, Hunt.

I want to go shoot some hoops.

It's a nature hike, and that means a lot of walking.

And I hope we're back in time for lunch.

Oh, nature sucks!

And so does that nature counselor.

For Miss Farmer.

Yeah!

Okay, campers.

Today, the main emphasis of our nature walk will deal with the study of symbiosis.

Does anybody know what that means?

Symbiosis?

Mitchell?

Huh?

Symbiosis?

Uh, yeah, my mother had that once.

But then she got some mouthwash.

Now it's all better, huh?

No, no, Mitchell.

Bitch.

You want to get high?

Sure.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Big bug off, shithead.

Are you going to smoke that?

Yeah, big shot.

You want a hit?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, great.

Let's go.

Oh, I'm always starved after I smoke pot.

Oh, come on, Annie.

Let's ask Henry.

He's always got lots of food.

Hey, Henry, you want a hit?

Huh?

You want a hit?

No, don't hit me.

No, no, no.

Do you want to smoke some grass?

Oh, fuck.

Let's continue our nature hike.

Let's see if we can find some specific examples of symbiotic relationships.

Fuck this nature shit.

Let's go smoke the grass.

Follow me, guys.

I know just the place.

Hey, Henry, where are we going?

Come on, it's right here.

I come here all the time.

Watch out for the rabbit shit, guys.

Hey, uh, Dan, you got that lantern?

It's dark in there.

You go first.

Who, me?

Yeah, come on, go ahead.

Come on, Danny.

Why do I have to go in the hole first?

Because douchebags go in the hole first.

Are you sure it's safe in here?

Come on.

Do you mind me?

Right on your tail.

Come on, you guys.

My place is just around here.

Wow.

Fuck this shit.

So, you guys want to go by the onyx formation that

looks like popcorn or the one that looks like donuts?

Donuts.

Yeah, donuts.

Henry, you farted right in my face.

Sorry.

Cheese sandwiches do that to me.

Oh, the joint.

Great.

Where is it?

Here.

And, uh, for your post-joint enjoyment, I always keep

a little food here, just for these kind of emergencies.

Good going, Henry.

Mitchell, can you tell me the name of that plant?

Mitchell?

Where's Mitchell?

Where's Annie?

Miss Farmer, I saw them leave with a funny cigarette.

What?

No, no, no.

Don't panic.

Now, you children stay right here.

I'll be right back.

Now, don't move.

Do you understand me?

Don't move.

Yes, Miss Farmer.

Screw her.

Let's blow.

Let's go back to the question.

My butt?

Yeah.

Smooth stuff.

Hey, Danny.

Come over here and take aid of this.

Ouch!

This joint burned my tongue.

No, you idiot.

Smoke the other end.

Those assholes.

I knew I couldn't trust them.

Oh.

Oh, these kids have good taste.

Oh, those shits.

Wait till I get my hands on them.

Is it imported?

You bet.

Well, I only smoke the best.

Well, it is the best.

Okay, you guys.

Don't try to get rid of the smell.

That's how I found you in the first place.

I could smell it a mile away.

Danny Anderson!

I'm ashamed of you.

And you were nominated for Most Improved Camper Award.

Why did you guys leave the group?

I could get in a lot of trouble because of you.

What do you have to say for yourselves?

Want a hit?

Oh, gee, thanks.

No, I don't smoke pot.

My body is a temple.

I would never put any chemicals into it.

Yeah, except for maybe your birth control pills.

Why do you guys want to do this anyway?

I mean, you should get high on nature.

I mean, just look at the beauty and symmetry of this cave.

This cave is a perfect example of the changes in nature.

Just look at the way that stalactite delicately

clings to the roof of this cavernous orifice.

The slightest movement or sound could offset that balance and create an upheaval

that is probably how this cave was created in the first place.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Huh?

See what your screaming has done?

What, are you trying to kill us?

It's not Annie's fault.

It's just a demonstration of nature in an ever-changing state of flux.

Oh.

Fuck the flux.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Don't panic.

The slightest sound could cause a cave-in.

Now, let's move very slowly out of the cave.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Mitchell.

No, no, no.

Ladies first.

You go first.

Okay.

Now remember, don't make a sound.

Shh.

Oh, shit.

If I told you once, I'd tell you a thousand times, Butch.

You've got to water down the milk.

You're killing me.

And another thing.

You've got to double-dose the saltpeter in the bug juice.

These kids are getting a little bit too frisky.

Loose joints.

Loose joints.

Nickel bags.

Come on, lose.

I got it all.

You don't got a day to take to the boathouse?

My friend Sheila should take good care of you.

There you go.

Come on, guys.

I got it all.

You got some petroleum jelly for your girlfriend?

I got it.

I got a bong.

I got it all, guys.

Is everybody okay?

Danny?

The whole fucking thing caved in on us.

Asshole.

I'm sorry, guys.

I guess I shouldn't have had that other cheese sandwich.

Yeah.

All right, listen.

Don't worry.

I'll get us out of here, all right?

All right.

My hair.

Holy shit.

Everybody's at the season banquet.

Yeah, the banquet.

And they're having chocolate pudding.

Come on, Mitch.

You can get us out of here.

I know you can.

Damn these fucking rocks.

There's no way.

There's no fucking way.

There's thousands of rocks back there.

Now what are we gonna do with snow and all?

Well, don't panic.

Let's look on the positive side.

We still have light.

And, uh... Have a joint.

Let's see.

Who knows we're here.

My campers.

They're still back on the trail waiting for me.

They're bound to come and get us.

Listen, no time.

Ah.

Oh, boy.

What a relief.

Hey, Clam.

What's that guy doing by our fence?

So hard to find a good piss pole these days.

And this one's a beauty.

Hey, looks like he's breaking into my chicken coop.

What a relief.

My back teeth were floating.

Teeth were just gonna fall right out.

They were just floating.

Oh, thank goodness I found this pole.

Oh, good.

Foster, put up your hands.

And turn around real slow.

Well, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Shut up.

Put up your hands.

Turn around real slow.

Well, okay.

Don't hurt me.

Huh?

These water bills are killing me.

I told you I wanted three campers to pee before each flush.

Get it?

Got it.

Good.

Lobotomy, what are you doing back so soon from the nature hunt?

Danny Anderson.

Mitch.

Annie and Henry.

Funny cigarettes.

Frogs.

What are you trying to tell me?

Well, they're lost.

And they're not coming back.

Miriam, check on his story.

We've gotta find those kids.

Some of them haven't paid their bill yet.

What time is it, Michelle?

You're a man, are you?

You've never been touched by a man before?

Scared I might turn you on?

Big shot.

I am sick of your snotty comments.

I've been touched by more men than you could even imagine.

I bet you wouldn't even know what to do if I really let you touch me anyway.

Yeah, I bet you never even got laid, stub.

Hey, listen.

I wouldn't want to bore you with the details.

Besides, you wouldn't understand half of it anyway.

And don't call me stub.

My name is Stub.

Okay, stub.

Why don't you tell us about your sexual conquests?

Yeah!

I don't want to talk about this!

The act of sexual intercourse, the coupling of two organisms is the most

important and obviously essential one in the life cycle of the species.

What the hell did she just say?

She's trying to tell us she never bogged on a man before.

How about it, nature counselor?

I bet you're the world's first 22-year-old virgin.

Yeah, yeah, when did Miss Nature Teacher get a cherry?

Aren't we all charming today?

Okay, stub.

You're going to enlighten us on your vast sexual experience.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

I'll tell you all about the first time I got laid.

Under one condition.

What?

That you all tell me about the first time you got laid.

What's the matter?

You've all done it, haven't you?

Of course.

What do you take us for?

Hey, Henry, we got a virgin in the group?

No.

I always get fucked.

Come on, Mitch, you start off.

First time I got laid.

Shit, there's been so many.

Ah, I remember.

It all started when I had a fight with my chick, Kathy.

I took her to Inspiration Point, a nice secluded place.

Where I knew we could be all alone.

Then I started to put those Major League moves on her.

Oh.

Is that bubble gum I taste?

No.

I just have this terrible sinus congestion.

Oh.

Kathy, if you could just...

Stud, we'd only be going out a week.

Oh, I know.

It's been a good week, too.

Just, just lightly.

I really don't want to.

Yeah, yeah, just... Yeah, just, uh...

Just, just, yeah.

Just, uh... As usual, the chick had her hands all over me.

We just.

I had to fight her away.

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

What is this sticky shit all over my dress?!

You pig!

I hope this doesn't get me pregnant.

You prick.

But I knew it couldn't last forever, So I hit the road.

Oh!

Hey, get out of here!

Asshole!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I decided to go while the going was good.

I don't like chicks who get stuck on me.

So I decided to thumb a ride.

People always took an instant liking to me.

All I had to do was flex my biceps and it was easy as fucking a tomato.

A real cute chick picked me up.

I could tell she was a real nice, clean-cut girl.

She wasn't like Kathy at all.

She was mature.

What's your name?

My name's Mitch, but my friends call me Stub.

Oh, Stud.

Stud?

Why that?

There's no women who can tell you why.

Are you always so shy and modest?

Only with breasts.

Girls I like.

Does that mean you like me?

You sure are kind of cute.

I really like the preppy look.

Gee, thanks a lot.

I don't get too many compliments in my line of work.

What's your line of work?

You mean you can't tell what I do?

Not really.

Hey, Stud.

Into the road.

You never did tell me what you did.

I'm a hooker, you know?

A real live call girl.

Oh, shit.

Would I lie about something like that?

No, I guess not.

Why don't you come on over for a drink?

I'm sure you can find the time.

Well, yeah, I guess I could do that.

Where do you live?

I finally hit the jackpot with this chick.

But I didn't want to screw up this opportunity.

So I decided to bring my friend Jeff along because

he read all the books on how to score with the women.

This is it.

Mitch, don't worry about a thing, okay?

Just run the auto pass me one more time.

Okay, okay.

First body hygiene.

Oh, Mitch, no.

Come on, Jeff.

How many times do I have to tell you?

One, you're blowing her ear.

That drives him wild.

Two, body hygiene.

Some girls like for a guy to spend some time in

the bathroom before indulging in such activities.

Three, moan and groan.

Drives him wild.

Four, get him nice and wet.

And five...

Zingo.

Zingo.

Now, if all else fails, take my words of wisdom for advice.

Okay.

When in doubt, whip it out.

That's it.

Okay.

Jeff was a real pro.

He started the evening off with rule number one.

He blew in her ear.

Well, here I am, babe.

All six inches of me.

Who is this?

Oh, me?

Hey, I'm Jeff.

I'm gonna show you some hot action.

Well, uh, Mitch, I'm first.

Make yourself comfortable, because this is gonna take a while.

As for you, sweetheart, tell me, what do we got around the world?

Half and half French?

Greek?

I know Greek's usually a little extra.

Hey, maybe we can get the two-for-one price.

Oh, hey, I know you professional-type girls.

You like to see the cash first, right?

Hey, okay, I don't blame you.

I come prepared.

Don't worry.

Let's see.

We got $1, $2, uh, $3, $4.

How does that sound, sweetheart?

Uh, there's more where this came from, you know what I mean?

Well... What'd you say your name was?

Jeff?

Jeff.

You got it.

Come on in.

Okay.

I don't believe what I done.

Look at this place.

This isn't the living room of a hooker.

This is the living room of a nice girl.

Uh, uh, excuse me for a moment, please.

Yeah, really?

Holy shit!

What the hell was in that book?

Uh, uh, moans and groans, uh, body hygiene, uh, my notes!

Loneria, body hygiene, moans and groans, get a nice and wet single.

Okay, step number two, body hygiene.

Oh, my...

Oh, jeez.

Champagne.

Oh.

You brought me champagne.

Okay, body hygiene.

Uh, uh, moans and groans.

Moans and groans.

Uh, no.

No.

Uh, no.

Geez.

Oh.

Oh.

I got it now.

All I gotta do is take off my pants, and I don't need a book for that.

Oh, look at this.

Horace Dervres.

Beautiful.

Beautiful Horace Dervres.

And I brought that animal here.

That animal.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

If that animal... If you touch her, I'll kill ya.

You better be good to her.

God, what did I do?

What are you doing?

Oh.

I haven't even touched you yet.

I'm a very, very excitable guy.

Oh.

Doesn't look very excited.

You know, you're right.

Wait one second, will ya?

Step four.

Get her nice and wet.

Ah.

Get her nice and wet.

I understand.

You girls can't do it unless you're nice and wet.

We'll do it.

And Jeffy here is gonna get you nice and wet.

Ah.

God, you asshole.

Sweetheart, I can't help it.

I just followed the... I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Mitch.

What the hell are you doing?

I did everything by the book.

You asshole.

This will show you how to treat a lady.

Oh, Mitch.

Give him the books.

That's all.

Come on, Lucy.

Hey.

I'm sorry I hit ya.

I didn't know he was gonna duck.

No, the lights.

Where am I?

I can't see.

Excuse me.

I know what it is.

Oh, my balls.

You'll never believe this, but, uh...

This is really my first time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's just that, uh...

You must have been with thousands and thousands of men.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Oh, you know what I meant, Lucy.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You don't have to worry.

Because I'm gonna teach you everything.

Everything?

Everything.

Even though it was my first time, my instincts took over.

What do I do first?

Well, first, why don't you put your hand on my breast?

Like that.

Oh!

Don't squeeze so hard.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Just very nicely.

Okay.

Mitch.

You're so hard.

And you're so big.

And you're so warm.

But if you would move down just a little farther, it wouldn't be in my belly, but.

..

Oh.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you.

It's much better.

Oh, that is big.

That's nice.

Oh, Lucy.

Was

I good enough for you?

Yeah.

But you were wonderful.

Lucy?

Yeah?

Did you, uh...

You know...

Well, sometimes it takes a little more for me to, you know...

Well, what can I do?

What more can I do?

Oh, you're wonderful.

Oh.

Oh.

Mitch, you're the best.

You're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Oh, God, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

And that's the way...

And that's the way it happened.

What a crock of shit.

Like, uh, attention...

Is this thing on?

Well, attention, campers.

Like, go to the mess hall for a truly cool assembly.

Okay, campers.

It has been our tradition here at Camp Big TP.

As I've told your parents, on the last day of camp,

to always bring in our nature appreciation film.

And you'd better li...

I'm sure you'll like it.

All right, Vinnie!

Come on, come on, come on.

Stop washing the dishes.

Get out here and start the damn movie.

Oh, okay.

Hit the lights.

The asbestos and toxic waste manufacturers of America proudly present Nature,

your friend and mine.

All over America, people are getting into the good

old outdoors and appreciating their environment.

Let's take a trip with the Platt family.

Mom and Dad know how important it is to have the

appropriate vehicle for their outing into the wilderness.

Dad decided to get the economy-sized vehicle with all the accessories.

A vehicle that illustrates their understanding of nature's delicate harmony.

Junior and sis have been taught to respect all the little animals in the forest.

So remember, look, don't touch.

Dad teaches his family that the woods belong to everyone and that there are many

people who come to the forest to appreciate the bird life.

Daddy, Daddy, look, a cuddling warbler!

There are only about 100 of those left in the world.

They're almost extinct.

Come on, son, let's blow it out of the sky!

Okay, Pop!

Oh, wow!

This film has been brought to you by the Asbestos

and Toxic Waste Manufacturers of America.

Isn't that great?

Isn't that great?

I told you we would have some fine entertainment today!

Let's hear from you.

I'm sure you've got a great story to tell.

It's none of your business.

Danny Anderson, you promised!

Well, I...

Let Henry go first.

Yeah, come on, Henry.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, uh, sure.

I mean, with me, it was never any problem.

If I wanted a date, all I ever had to do was reach over, pick up the phone,

and no problem.

Hi, there.

I'm here to tell you about Lovers for Losers' new Checkmate Dating Service,

northern New Jersey's first scientifically controlled dating service.

Sounds too good to be true?

Just take a look at a few of our satisfied customers

and note how they're all perfectly matched.

I love my perfectly matched checkmate date, and she's herpes-free.

I love my perfectly matched checkmate date, and she's herpes-free.

I love my perfectly matched checkmate date, and he's herpes-free, too.

So call now for a herpes-free date that's also perfectly matched to you.

Yes, if you're at home right now watching this television

commercial, you're probably alone without a date.

So get that hand out from underneath that blanket And dial 888-6969.

Yes, 888-6969, where our operators are standing by to answer your call personally.

Void in Oklahoma, Wisconsin, and wherever prohibited by law.

Now those, of course, were just some of my more casual dates.

But the first time it ever really happened for me was on Halloween night.

This year, I decided to be different and go as a ghost.

Oh, wow, Mom makes the best Halloween costumes of anybody.

Hey, if I'm going to be eating all that candy

tonight, I better get something solid in my stomach.

Yeah, I need a pizza.

There was one slight problem with my costume, though.

Mom forgot to cut a hole for my mouth.

When I tried to take off my hood, the zipper got stuck.

No matter how hard I struggled, I couldn't... I couldn't get the hood off.

I didn't panic.

I just got a pizza to go.

But my hood got turned around, and I could hardly see where I was going.

I usually walked across a school parking lot.

But there was a bunch of real naughty kids there.

So I decided to avoid them and cut across the field.

It's lucky I did, because these kids were real bad.

Give me some money, blondie.

I knew they'd start trouble.

I don't know what you want from me.

Money.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Ron,

isn't that your purse she's carrying?

Yeah, that is my pink purse.

Hey, man, you got to let her take your purse, man.

It got your lipstick in it.

She must have stole it from me.

Please don't hurt me.

Please.

Come on.

Let's kill the bitch, man.

Come on.

That's right.

Who turned out the lights?

Hey, man, check this shit out, man.

Must be a Ku Klux Klan meeting somewhere, man.

Hey, let's give them a real rock man's welcome today.

Hey, what's going on here?

Hey, you're in the wrong place, fool.

You're going to die, man.

Hey, what's going on here?

Whoa!

Hey!

Ouch!

Yeah!

All right.

All right, man.

All right, man.

That's what you get.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man.

Oh, my goodness.

Don't hit me.

Don't hit me.

No, no.

It's all right.

They're gone.

Oh.

Oh, you poor thing.

Are you okay?

No, you came along just in time.

Those guys had knives.

Knives?

It was so smart of you to put on that costume.

What, this costume?

All this was just a coincidence?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I guess I was pretty convincing, huh?

Well, I guess I got to go.

Wait a minute.

I don't even know who you are.

I don't even know your name.

Doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.

You just saved my life.

My name is Henry Putz.

Goodbye.

Henry, I don't know if I should be asking you

this, but do you think you could walk me home?

I'm still kind of shaken up.

Sure.

Well, there goes my dinner.

Well, that's okay.

I'll get you something to eat at my house.

Little did I know that I'd just saved the life of Barbara Billington, the richest,

most beautiful, most sophisticated teenage nymphomaniac, in town.

Wow.

Nice house.

Oh, thanks.

Personally, I think it's a bit too big.

But, you see, when Daddy died, he left Mom and me a lot of money.

So we moved from Akron and bought this place.

Yeah?

My uncle comes from Akron.

So, Henry, let me take a look at this wound for you.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Oh, Henry, it's a good thing I'm looking at this.

If you had gotten some of that cheese into the

cut, you could have gotten mozzarella poisoning.

Mozzarella poisoning?

So, Henry, take off the costume.

Let me look at it for you.

Oh, no, it'll be okay.

Henry, just let me take a look.

No, no, no, it'll be okay.

What's the matter with you?

Well, it's just that I'm kind of uptight about my body.

I mean, my tits are bigger than any girls I ever met.

Oh, Henry, don't say things like that.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Most girls usually won't even talk to me, and when they do, it's just to put me down.

I think you're a very nice guy, Henry.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Most girls usually won't even give me the time of day.

And when they do, that's always wrong.

Oh, Henry.

I mean, after all, it is my own fault.

No, stop.

I mean, because I am this big, fat oaf.

Stop it, Henry.

I mean, all the guys that I go out with are just self-centered, egotistical maniacs.

They just want to score so they can brag to their friends.

You're very different.

Yeah?

Hmm.

Are those Dunkin' Donuts?

I thought they might be your favorite.

One donut?

One donut led to another.

We just couldn't stop ourselves, and I guess we both lost control.

Oh, Henry.

Oh, Henry, you're so good.

You must be so experienced.

Oh.

Oh, Henry.

Am I good enough for you?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Henry.

Oh.

Oh, really, Henry, tell me.

Am I good enough?

Oh.

I don't think it could get any better than this.

Hmm?

You want to bet?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I don't care what you do.

Just get that thing off of me.

I got enough hair down there.

I don't need that hairy thing there.

Now get it off of me now!

Now she won't hurt you if you don't hurt her.

She's only trying to protect her young.

What about my young?

Now, calm down, Henry.

Don't excite yourself.

I'll handle this.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Now campers, I hate to have to punish you in this way, but

no matter what I do, I can't get you to do arts and crafts.

So I brought something that I think will keep you interested.

Now, this is going to be a sculpture class.

You each have your own individual wads of clay in front of you.

And I would like you all to get to work.

Now get to work.

What are we supposed to make a sculpture of?

I'd like you all to make a sculpture of this.

Get out of my way.

Get out of my way.

No cuts.

I've been waiting since yesterday.

I give up baseball for this, for Christ's sake.

Get out of the way.

It's my turn.

I'm sure Mr. Zitzler has the state police out looking for us by now.

Mr. Zitzler?

Who do you want?

Can't you see I'm busy, Stinky?

Well, here are the magazines you ordered.

Thanks, Mr. Zitzler.

Oh, the kids that got lost on the nature walk?

They still can't find them.

So keep looking.

Full house.

Mr. Zitzler, my frog is sick.

Will you get away from here, you creep?

Mr. Zitzler is not eating his Cocoa Krispies.

Get!

Do you see what I have to put up with?

Well, we're not too low on food.

But we just ran out of water.

Well, I'm sure the whole camp must be looking for us by now.

Listen up.

Listen up, Big TP-ers.

We've got a little problem.

Four campers and Michelle Farmer, your nature counselor, are lost.

Now, you all know that here at Camp Big TP, we all like to

consider ourselves a big, happy family that sticks together.

Absolutely!

And now we've all got to get together to help find Michelle and her campers.

Because if we don't find them, camp will shut down next year.

Did anybody hear anything?

No.

I thought I heard something.

We should be saved soon.

My mom's coming to pick me up today.

She's going to go nuts if she can't find me.

Why, Mrs. Anderson, I was just looking for you.

You know very well I phoned you this morning and told you

I'd be here promptly this afternoon to pick up my Danny.

Now, where is he?

What's going on around here?

Here?

Well, here is the basketball court where we teach them the rudiments of basketball.

Basketball?

My Danny loves basketball.

Is he playing?

Well, playing is only a figurative term, Emmy.

See, it parallels the life... Can you take me to see my Danny?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Yes, we have a marvelous canoeing program and I'd love to show you this, Mrs.

Anderson.

Ann, why are you so quiet lately?

It's getting cold in here.

Try not to think about the cold.

Think about something else.

Think about the first time you got laid.

Because I want to hear all about it.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm sure my story is in half as exciting... as any of yours.

I'm just a little farm girl.

And I didn't know any little farm boys my age.

The work was so hard and the hired hands were so lazy.

I had to make out the best I could.

I don't know what it was.

Whether it was the heat, the sweat, the frustration of the farm work, or what.

But something changed for me that day.

And it first hit me later that night when my

girlfriends came over for a slumber party.

Annie, I'm going on my very first date Saturday night.

What should I do?

Okay, this is what you do.

Now, put your hand on his leg, that up to here.

You don't want him to think you're too easy.

Now he's going to pretend to yawn like this.

He's going to go to second base.

Don't worry, he's just going to feel you up.

Well, what if he tries to kiss me?

There are two kinds of kisses.

The dry kiss and the wet kiss.

This is a wet kiss.

This is a dry kiss.

Now, this is the wet kiss.

Stick out your tongue like me.

Did anybody hear anything?

No.

No?

Maybe one of the animals got loose.

I'm going to go check.

Greg, get us some donuts.

Apple spice.

Apple spice.

Apple spice.

Little did I know that a starving, out-of-work actor had broken into my house.

We don't ripen buns Stop that, Annie.

She doesn't know anything.

Now you see this?

Let me show you something.

Don't make a sound.

Are you listening to me?

Now, do as I say or I'll slit your throat and

let the blood drip all over your nice nightie.

Now, when I take my hand off your mouth I don't want you to scream.

I don't want you to make a sound.

Then what I want you to do, I want you to get some milk and cookies.

Now I'm going to take my hand off and don't make a sound.

Yow!

Ow!

Okay,

Butter, or Buster, who are you?

Johnny.

Johnny Robbins.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted something to eat.

I've been running all night.

You're scared.

Can I have something to eat, please?

I had no choice but to get him something to eat.

And I knew it had to taste real good.

After I was nice enough to meet his demands, he dragged me into our stable.

First he tried to seduce me.

Then he grabbed and kissed me.

He began tearing off my clothes.

He couldn't keep his rough and calloused hands off me.

Now that he had his cookies, he decided he wanted the milk.

Everybody says try to forget.

But I hate it's no use saying I hate it.

I don't want to eat anything.

You're going to be in danger.

You're in me.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Enough.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

He was a madman!

He was crazy!

Crazy!

He made me do it!

I had no other choice!

You poor baby!

Oh, come on, Annie.

You can't expect us to believe that.

Oh, yeah?

He left this behind.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, my God.

I didn't realize.

What a horrifying experience.

That's terrible.

Come here.

That's really terrible.

I'm really glad to see that you got over that.

I've never heard of anything quite that bad.

How did you get over it?

Hey, my knife!

Oh, that Mary Lou is amazing, Bozo.

That box.

Oh, I want it so bad.

She's not interested in nobody, man.

What am I gonna do?

Melvin, I've been thinking about this all day.

I got a great idea.

I read somewhere, if you want a girl to go

crazy about you, you do it in her food, okay?

And she eats it, okay?

She'll be all over you, man.

We're talking instant nature.

I'm telling you.

Make sure you get it in her food.

Make sure she eats it, man.

She'll be all over you.

All right, Melvin?

All right, man.

Can you handle it, Melvin?

Hey, I know I can handle it, man.

Hey, there's Mary Lou.

And she's wearing that bikini.

Oh, those nipples.

She's gonna eat it just like I told you.

Just like I told you.

Any minute, she'll be heading our way.

Yup.

Mary Lou's thinking about eating it.

What the?

Oh, no.

What's that fat slob doing?

She's eating it.

Butch is eating it.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Can't be.

Oh, no.

300 pounds.

You know what you have something to tell us there, Howdy Doody?

Well, I guess so, if you're still interested.

Sure, we could all use a good nap.

Nap on this, stub.

Well, my story begins when I was much younger.

I had a very clear picture of the girl of my dreams.

Unfortunately, she was only in the pages of Penthouse magazine.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I guess my Danny must be reading in bed again.

My big opportunity came when my brother Ted and I went on vacation down to the

Caribbean, where I got to see him in action with all those gorgeous girls.

Last time just wasn't long enough.

The guys had to brace up on the ground.

Well, how about this one?

You can sleep on the ground.

Dorico!

See you later tonight, iron thighs.

I have to go do my nails.

I want to look good for you all over my body.

You already do, baby.

She practically tore your bathing suit off.

Hey, I think she was hot.

You should see your friend.

Oh, by the way, I fixed you up with her tonight.

Wow!

A date for me?

Thanks, big brother.

Anything for you, pal.

But listen, tonight, don't embarrass me, okay?

So when you got this chick in your room, all right, you start banging away at her.

Make sure she's really screaming loud, all right?

Screaming?

Sure.

Why, do I hurt her?

No, it's for the effect.

Just think about it.

You're in there banging away and she's screaming?

Your buddies are outside.

Okay?

They hear her screaming your name and they're

going, Boy, that Danny, he's hung like a horse.

Yeah.

Hey, you want another trick?

Always works for me.

What?

Take a big wad of toilet paper, right?

Shove it down your pants.

Uh-huh.

Okay?

That way, she'll see you.

Nice big bulge down there.

She's got something to work with.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You're gonna have a good time tonight, buddy.

Yeah.

Yuriko!

Whoa!

Suddenly, I felt a strange heat on my back.

I turned around and there she was, my dream girl.

She was even more beautiful in person.

I thought I was dreaming, but no, it was true.

The girl from the pages of Penthouse was standing right in front of me.

I was speechless.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

Before I could make my move, she was gone.

Just when I thought I'd never see her again, I turned around and there she was.

I didn't know if my eyes were playing tricks on me or what.

So I had to tell my brother.

I said... Ted!

Ted!

Did you see that?

What?

It's the girl on the cover of Penthouse.

She smiled at me.

He said... Danny, I really think you've been sick.

You're spending a little too much time in the sun, pal.

I figured maybe I had been out in the sun too long.

Hey, boss!

Look!

Zip lane!

Zip lane!

Ted and I planned to stick together that night.

He said teamwork was the name of the game.

Yeah, teamwork.

For the last time, did you see her on the beach today?

Will you stop messing around with this magazine?

Look, just turn the centerfold.

Maybe you'll recognize her from there.

These pages are all stuck together.

What have you been doing with this?

Now listen.

Why don't you just forget about girls and magazines...

and start to think about the real poontang coming over here tonight?

Huh?

Gladys!

Gladys, yeah!

Tonight, buddy, you're gonna be a man.

Yeah.

All right, now these girls are hot.

So we gotta be on our toes, okay?

Let's make sure we have everything set up.

Okay.

Got the liquor?

Check.

Reefer?

Check.

Rubbers?

Crap.

Petroleum jelly?

Crap.

Okay, Danny, tonight, it's just you and me.

Team.

Inseparable.

Teddy boy.

Mona!

Hey, baby.

You look like a million bucks.

You're looking pretty good tonight yourself, iron thighs.

Hey, who's this kid?

It's my little brother Danny.

You remember from the beach?

Hmm.

He's supposed to be with Gladys tonight.

Where is she, anyway?

Oh, I forgot to tell her.

I had important things to do.

I had to do my nails.

Hey, are we going to end up babysitting tonight?

What is this?

Uh, no.

He was just leaving, weren't you, Danny?

It's Graham.

Beat it.

Here's your hat and your whip and, uh, here's a dollar.

Why don't you go out and maybe see a movie and sleep on the beach tonight, buddy?

Thanks a lot.

I'll see you in the morning.

Okay, Teddy baby.

Let's party.

All right.

What?

I've been waiting for you.

For me?

Your name's Danny, isn't it?

How did you know?

Oh, just a lucky guess.

Have some champagne.

It's wonderful.

Here's to long nights and deep emotions.

I'll drink to that.

They say if you wish hard enough, your dream can come true.

They do?

They say if a dream comes true, it's a dream.

If a dream can come true, it'll change your life forever.

They do?

They say that falling in love is wonderful.

They do?

Yeah.

Wow.

Mona, you're kind of special to me, you know?

Uh-uh.

I've never met anybody like you before.

Whoa.

I really think I'm falling in love with you.

Ted!

Ted, we have the whole night ahead of us.

I wouldn't want you to peak too soon.

How about another drink?

But I've already had seven.

Oh, come on, Danny.

You've been dreaming about this for a long time.

But I don't understand.

I saw you on the beach today, and then you

disappeared, and there was a fat man in your chair.

What are you trying to do to me?

I'm going to do to you exactly what you want me to do.

Oh, Mona!

Oh, stop!

Wait!

I don't even know any important thing about you.

I mean, for example, what's your sign?

I'm Taurus.

The Bull.

Oh!

Oh, God!

I mean, like, where do you go to school?

What does your father do?

He's a plumber or something.

Who cares?

Well, it's just that I like to get to know my men a little

bit better before I take them to that special place.

What's your name again?

Huh?

Danny, your bulge!

Danny, you don't have to impress me.

Then it happened, just like my brother said it would.

I didn't know if I could live up to my brother's standards.

I'm going to pork you, you bitch!

When I heard Ted's girl, Mona, screaming, I knew Ted had things in mind.

Oh, God!

Oh, oh, Teddy, I'm so sorry.

Let me rub it for you.

Maybe I can make it feel better.

No, no, get out of here.

Just leave me alone.

Well, thanks for a lovely evening.

I knew I had matters well in hand.

Ted would have been proud of me.

I was so excited, I didn't even notice that Mona walked in.

You'd think a lover like Ted would be enough

for any girl, but Mona still wasn't satisfied.

Okay, Danny boy.

Let's party.

Wow!

So they taught me how to have an orgy.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

I don't care what you think, douchebag.

It happened just that way.

We have been stuck in here all day.

What if they can't find us?

What if they're not even looking for us?

We've just got to trust them, Annie.

They'll find us.

I think there's something terribly wrong here.

Has he had an allergy attack?

Gee, Mr. Zitzler.

Have you heard anything about Danny and the others yet?

No, as a matter of fact, we have not.

Now, it's time for your dip, dippy.

Danny and the others?

Danny and the others?

Danny and the others, it's a rock group coming in to entertain our campers.

Rock?

Rock?

Rock?

Oh, you're interested in rocks, Mrs. Anderson.

Why didn't you tell me in the first place?

I've got a rock collection for you.

Well, I guess it's time for the moment of truth.

When was the first time Miss Nature Teacher got her pubes partied?

What is the matter with you?

You have a one-track mind.

When did you just grow up?

Oh, Miss Maturity.

What makes you better than everyone else?

Were you all told about the first time we got laid?

What are you so afraid of?

All right.

I'll tell you.

I'm proud of my relationship with Dwayne.

It was perfect.

He was everything a girl could want.

What a hunk.

What a man.

Even as far back as junior high school, Dwayne and I

innocently explored the mysteries of coming adulthood.

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.

I think we have a definite problem here.

Are you sure this was your homework assignment?

Of course I'm sure.

What do you think?

Oh, no.

The nurse has a boo-boo.

And you know what else, nurse?

The doctor has a boo-boo, too.

Where?

Here.

Here.

Kiss it and make it better, please.

Okay.

The nurse will not kiss the doctor's boo-boo.

The nurse kisses his boo-boo to make it better.

It's going to cost $25.

Do you have Blue Cross or Blue Shield?

Hi, Mom and Dad.

Is everything all right, Dwayne?

Mom and Dad were crazy about Dwayne and invited him over once a week for dinner.

He and Dad saw eye to eye on everything.

Well, Dwayne, my boy, have you registered for the draft yet?

No, have you?

Why, son, years ago I did my duty.

You did your duty?

Well, why don't you flesh it?

Right, Michelle?

Right.

Besides, I don't think they should waste the cream of American youth such as myself.

Right, Michelle?

Right.

Oh, very sensible.

Do you like meat, Dwayne?

I love meat.

Meat, Mrs. Richards.

Right, Michelle?

Lucy, isn't it wonderful that a fine, upstanding young man

like Dwayne has taken an interest in our little Michelle?

Oh, Dizzy, we're so lucky.

I have a special announcement I've received.

Everybody, Dwayne is taking me to the prom.

Darling, that's marvelous.

I couldn't be happier.

Thank you, Daddy.

Dwayne, you better take care of my little girl.

Oh, I'll take care of her, Mr. Richards, sir.

Right, Michelle?

It was right then and there that I felt the first stirrings of youthful passion.

And I knew it wouldn't be long before the earth moved for me.

I decided that Dwayne would be my first.

Then came the night of the junior prom.

Dwayne was so romantic.

Afterwards, he took me to a disco.

Gee, that was a great prom, Dwayne.

Oh, Dwayne.

Oh, Dwayne.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I threw up in your punch, though, Michelle.

You did?

I get it.

You want to dance!

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

One says I'm lazy.

One doesn't speak.

One's a volcano and bound us really.

I cut through the station.

Just when I thought Dwayne was about to make the earth move for me, she appeared.

Get in my engine.

Go for a whirl.

I said it's easier to fix a car than it makes a girl.

I was crushed.

I couldn't imagine what he saw in her.

Hey!

Hey!

Dwayne!

What about me?

I

never felt so lonely in all my life.

Then I saw him across the crowded room.

And I knew there could be life after Dwayne.

I felt like I was floating on a cloud.

I knew in a flash that he was twice the man Dwayne was.

He grabbed me and kissed me.

I felt like a bowl of quivering jello in his arms.

He came close to me and whispered something in my ears.

Let's go.

I guess I must have misunderstood.

I thought he said bowling.

What he really said was... Let's go bowling.

So we went bowling.

He picked just the right spot.

Oh, it wasn't exactly lover's lane.

But for 75 cents, shoes included, what do you expect?

Well, how do you like the date so far?

By the end of the evening, I could see that the only

thing he had on his mind was scoring up my alley.

The date was a strike for him.

But a gutter ball for me.

Well, the earth didn't move for me.

But I suppose it could have been worse.

Yeah, you could have got your twat twizzled by Dwayne.

Stinky, you're now a member of our traditional circle jerk.

Congratulations.

You know, guys, I'm really touched you let me take part in this.

It's really the climax of my summer.

Ah, that's okay, Stink.

We feel you have what it takes to take part in our sacred event.

This is a very select group you're entering, Stink.

You'll remember that.

And here are the rules.

All lights must be turned off.

And the first person to reach climatic finality is

the honorary chairman of the Eagles for next summer.

Stop joking.

And start stroking.

Okay.

How you doing, Stinky?

I'm doing okay.

Go, Stinky!

Go, Stinky!

I always

knew you could handle yourself in a crowd.

The lantern is flickering.

There must be a breeze.

From an air passage they must have begun to dig us out.

Yes!

Yes!

Where are we coming from?

We're in Erie!

Oh.

I believe I was incorrect in my original analysis.

What?

What?

What?

Well, at a clearly diminished level indicates that

there is no longer sufficient oxygen to support burning.

What?

What?

Getting a headache.

Why, yes, Annie.

Your headache is a clear indication that the carbon dioxide level has reached the

point where... breathing becomes impaired and asphyxiation sets in.

Asphyxiation?

You mean like suffocating?

You mean there's no more oxygen to burn?

Calm down.

Calm down.

I'm sure that help is on the way.

They're probably close enough to hear us.

I do not go down on French poodles, I am sure.

Oh.

Are we on?

Oh.

Attention, campers.

Meet your parents.

Like in front of the grody mess hall, okay?

Hey!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Hi!

Hi!

Mom, I won the circle jerk.

That's my boy.

Daddy!

Where's my daddy?

Excuse me, have you seen my daddy?

Daddy!

Attention, parents.

Go to the totally tubular arts and crafts show where

you'll like children's exhibits are now on display.

Whoa.

Now, parents, look at the subtlety of these curving lines.

The smooth yet rugged texture of the pieces speaks eloquently of the thrusting

and parrying techniques that your very talented children have utilized in order

to put together these beautiful, marvelous works of art.

Oh, my God, it's bigger than yours, Harold.

The

lantern went out.

Michelle was right.

We're running out of air.

Um, uh, everybody down on the ground.

There's more air on the ground.

Um, down.

This is ridiculous.

Michelle, will you just get down and breathe, please?

Why?

Just get down and breathe!

All right!

It can't be.

It can't happen.

It can't happen.

We gotta get out of here.

This can't happen.

We just gotta get out of here.

I can't deal with this.

We gotta get out of here.

Oh, shit.

I'm 17.

I'm gonna die.

And I've never been laid.

What?

Huh?

What?

What?

I made the whole thing up.

Shit.

I don't even know how to talk to a girl.

Me neither.

I mean, I've never made it either.

There wasn't a dream girl.

And there was no man with a knife.

I made it up.

I'm gonna die a virgin.

Well, I guess there was no Barbara Billington.

Well, I mean, there really was a Barbara Billington.

But she was just a waitress I had a crush on at the local Dunkin' Donuts.

I'm going to die a virgin.

Well, let's not dwell on the past.

I mean, I've always believed that if you live fully in the moment and lived by the

laws of nature, then if death comes to take

you before your time, you'll be part of nature.

But what the fuck are you talking about, Michelle?

Goddammit, you're always talking this bullshit.

For once in your life, can't you just talk like a normal human being?

Come on, Mitch.

Henry, you wanna hear this shit?

She's always dealing out.

Well, I don't know, Mitch.

You gotta think about nature now.

I mean, it's one thing if an 80-year-old woman gets killed by a bus.

It's another thing if a kid dies before her.

Well, I just think that really sucks.

Fuck you, Henry!

You're just as bad as she is!

What is this philosophy bullshit?

You're all just scared!

I'm not fucking scared!

Goddammit!

I'm going to die a virgin.

Why don't you just cut out this tough-guy routine?

You're just as scared as we are!

Oh, Michelle, you've always had it in for me.

Always!

Yeah, come on, get it out now!

I've always liked you.

Bullshit!

I've always liked you.

I've always admired you.

You know, the way the little kids look up to you, they see you as a role model.

I've always wished I could be closer to you.

I think we should all be spending these last

few moments being close instead of fighting.

I'm going to die a virgin.

We're all part of nature's constant state of flux.

If I ever get out of here, I'll never eat junk food again.

If I ever get out of here, I'll change my

subscription from Penthouse to National Geographic.

I promise!

I don't want to die a virgin.

If I ever get out of here, I'll never eat junk food again.

I promise!

This fucking cave sucks!

If

I ever get out of here, I'll never eat junk food again.

I promise!

...how are you doing?

You have to seeds to keep me out of it.

Now, just where did you come from?

More wrong than right?

Can I make Druckenweyss

food on an island?

Dr Oh, this is so easy.

You're make me feel better.

Mr.

Zitzler, you're in such a rush to sell this camp.

I've got to think it over.

It's late.

I'll call you, Mr. Zitzler.

Please, Mr. Costello, please buy my camp.

You've got to buy my camp.

I've got to sell this camp.

That damned Anderson kid.

I don't have any insurance.

What am I going to do?

I see you, Mr. Zitzler.

Where's my daddy?

I'm sick and tired of all this double talk.

All the other parents have found their children.

Where's my daddy?

Why, Mrs. Anderson, I was just looking for you.

My daddy boy is lost.

He's gone.

I can't find him anywhere.

Mrs. Anderson, now please get a hold of yourself.

He comes very unsteady on this dock.

What kind of a dump is this?

What in the world is that?

Mr. Zitzler, I couldn't find Danny's body in this part of the lake.

Danny's body!

Danny's body!

Danny's body!

Oh, Danny's body!

Mrs. Anderson, don't move.

I'll get a lifeguard.

It'll take about ten minutes.

These lifeguard costs are killing me.

I'll do it myself.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Get this way!

Get this way!

Mr. Zitzler, you saved my life!

I do hope Danny will be all right.

Oh, Danny's all right.

Danny is insured.

You have insurance?

Oh, Mrs. Anderson.

Ah!

Ah!

What happened?

I don't know.

Hey.

Hey, do you guys smell anything?

I think it's fresh air.

Look!

I see daylight!

There's light!

The company has opened up!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

What a fucking day!

I had a feeling.

Danny Anderson is now acting in pornographic films under the name of Dickie Long.

He has delighted millions of moviegoers with his unique bulge.

Stud, how you doing, huh?

Listen, listen, don't call me Stud, call me Mitch, okay?

Mitch became a priest and opened a parish in San Francisco.

He is now a spokesman for gay rights for the celibate clergy.

Cheese doodles!

Henry Putts works for the American Cheese Manufacturers

Association as commissioner of natural gas.

They're all yours, kid.

After eight unsuccessful marriages and the cancellation of her Bloomingdale's credit

card, Annie Goldberg suffered a nervous breakdown and became a vegetable.

She is now living quietly in Columbus, Ohio, as a Brussels sprout.

Michelle Farmer pursued her interest in nature and now

heads up the government's program for wildlife preservation.

And fly, fly away, fly away little fish!

Whee!

They turn me on!

Good impression!

Bragging about the girl that I knew!

You were the first!

You were the first!

You were the first!

You were the first!

I

don't wanna say it and you don't wanna hear it But I have to say I get a little

deeper in it The more you turn away From chasing at a downhill runaway I know If

you wanna hold on You gotta let it go But that's a contradiction when you're

overdosed Philosophy is fine when you're

logical But hearts don't diagnose the obstacles