All language subtitles for The First Turn On xx

On nature, it's beautiful.

And what better place to enjoy it than a
summer camp?

Welcome to Camp Big Teepee, a place where
children come year after year to gain the

experience that only a summer camp can
provide.

Experiences that will last a lifetime.

Children will learn to share, to make
friends.

They'll learn to swim and acquire valuable
skills, such as woodworking.

Yes, Camp Big Teepee provides the physical
exercise that enables young bodies to grow.

My chest grew a quarter of an inch since
last week.

And everyone will learn the value of
determination and self-restraint.

Could it be three days?

Without wetting my bed?

Three days?

Two.

Two days.

Yes, campers will
be guided by the very

responsible counselors
who are always on the ball.

Dick.

And Jade.

Oh, Dick.

And Jade.

Oh, Dick.

C-Spot, run.

Oh, yeah.

But most important, children are taught to
appreciate nature.

Oh, the forest.

Such a wondrous place.

Come, campers, let us explore.

If we keep our eyes and ears open,
we might be able to see some of nature's

busy little creatures in their natural
habitat.

Oh.

Now listen carefully.

This region abounds with many of the furry
animals.

Such as raccoon and beaver.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Watch your step.

The brush is thick here.

It's hard to see where you're going.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Attention, campers, like, report to the
Toddly Grody mess hall!

The summer speech thing, okay?

Campers, it has been a productive summer.

I know we've all come a long way in six
weeks.

We've had fun, but we've
matured... Absolutely.

Now don't forget to tell mom and dad what
a terrific time you've had so that you can

all come back next year to be further
enriched, and we can all make more money.

Uh, friends.

Attention, campus.

Okay, let's go to your...

Now follow me, girls.

And do exactly as I do.

One, two, stretch.

One, two, stretch.

One, two, stretch.

Girls!

Do exactly as I do.

The morning activity is nature,
Ken?

Oh!

I hate nature!

Nature, Hunt.

I want to go shoot some hoops.

It's a nature hike, and that means a lot
of walking.

And I hope we're back in time for lunch.

Oh, nature sucks!

And so does that nature counselor.

For Miss Farmer.

Yeah!

Okay, campers.

Today, the main emphasis of our nature
walk will deal with the study of symbiosis.

Does anybody know what that means?

Symbiosis?

Mitchell?

Huh?

Symbiosis?

Uh, yeah, my mother had that once.

But then she got some mouthwash.

Now it's all better, huh?

No, no, Mitchell.

Bitch.

You want to get high?

Sure.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Big bug off, shithead.

Are you going to smoke that?

Yeah, big shot.

You want a hit?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, great.

Let's go.

Oh, I'm always starved after I smoke pot.

Oh, come on, Annie.

Let's ask Henry.

He's always got lots of food.

Hey, Henry, you want a hit?

Huh?

You want a hit?

No, don't hit me.

No, no, no.

Do you want to smoke some grass?

Oh, fuck.

Let's continue our nature hike.

Let's see if we can find some specific
examples of symbiotic relationships.

Fuck this nature shit.

Let's go smoke the grass.

Follow me, guys.

I know just the place.

Hey, Henry, where are we going?

Come on, it's right here.

I come here all the time.

Watch out for the rabbit shit,
guys.

Hey, uh, Dan, you got that lantern?

It's dark in there.

You go first.

Who, me?

Yeah, come on, go ahead.

Come on, Danny.

Why do I have to go in the hole first?

Because douchebags go in the hole first.

Are you sure it's safe in here?

Come on.

Do you mind me?

Right on your tail.

Come on, you guys.

My place is just around here.

Wow.

Fuck this shit.

So, you guys want to go
by the onyx formation that

looks like popcorn or the
one that looks like donuts?

Donuts.

Yeah, donuts.

Henry, you farted right in my face.

Sorry.

Cheese sandwiches do that to me.

Oh, the joint.

Great.

Where is it?

Here.

And, uh, for your post-joint
enjoyment, I always keep

a little food here, just for
these kind of emergencies.

Good going, Henry.

Mitchell, can you tell me the name of that
plant?

Mitchell?

Where's Mitchell?

Where's Annie?

Miss Farmer, I saw them leave with a funny
cigarette.

What?

No, no, no.

Don't panic.

Now, you children stay right here.

I'll be right back.

Now, don't move.

Do you understand me?

Don't move.

Yes, Miss Farmer.

Screw her.

Let's blow.

Let's go back to the question.

My butt?

Yeah.

Smooth stuff.

Hey, Danny.

Come over here and take aid of this.

Ouch!

This joint burned my tongue.

No, you idiot.

Smoke the other end.

Those assholes.

I knew I couldn't trust them.

Oh.

Oh, these kids have good taste.

Oh, those shits.

Wait till I get my hands on them.

Is it imported?

You bet.

Well, I only smoke the best.

Well, it is the best.

Okay, you guys.

Don't try to get rid of the smell.

That's how I found you in the first place.

I could smell it a mile away.

Danny Anderson!

I'm ashamed of you.

And you were nominated for Most Improved
Camper Award.

Why did you guys leave the group?

I could get in a lot of trouble because of
you.

What do you have to say for yourselves?

Want a hit?

Oh, gee, thanks.

No, I don't smoke pot.

My body is a temple.

I would never put any chemicals into it.

Yeah, except for maybe your birth control
pills.

Why do you guys want to do this anyway?

I mean, you should get high on nature.

I mean, just look at the beauty and
symmetry of this cave.

This cave is a perfect example of the
changes in nature.

Just look at the way
that stalactite delicately

clings to the roof of
this cavernous orifice.

The slightest movement or sound could
offset that balance and create an upheaval

that is probably how this cave was created
in the first place.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Huh?

See what your screaming has done?

What, are you trying to kill us?

It's not Annie's fault.

It's just a demonstration of nature in an
ever-changing state of flux.

Oh.

Fuck the flux.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Don't panic.

The slightest sound could cause a cave-in.

Now, let's move very slowly out of the
cave.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Mitchell.

No, no, no.

Ladies first.

You go first.

Okay.

Now remember, don't make a sound.

Shh.

Oh, shit.

If I told you once, I'd tell you a
thousand times, Butch.

You've got to water down the milk.

You're killing me.

And another thing.

You've got to double-dose the saltpeter in
the bug juice.

These kids are getting a little bit too
frisky.

Loose joints.

Loose joints.

Nickel bags.

Come on, lose.

I got it all.

You don't got a day to take to the
boathouse?

My friend Sheila should take good care of
you.

There you go.

Come on, guys.

I got it all.

You got some petroleum jelly for your
girlfriend?

I got it.

I got a bong.

I got it all, guys.

Is everybody okay?

Danny?

The whole fucking thing caved in on us.

Asshole.

I'm sorry, guys.

I guess I shouldn't have had that other
cheese sandwich.

Yeah.

All right, listen.

Don't worry.

I'll get us out of here, all right?

All right.

My hair.

Holy shit.

Everybody's at the season banquet.

Yeah, the banquet.

And they're having chocolate pudding.

Come on, Mitch.

You can get us out of here.

I know you can.

Damn these fucking rocks.

There's no way.

There's no fucking way.

There's thousands of rocks back there.

Now what are we gonna do with snow and
all?

Well, don't panic.

Let's look on the positive side.

We still have light.

And, uh... Have a joint.

Let's see.

Who knows we're here.

My campers.

They're still back on the trail waiting
for me.

They're bound to come and get us.

Listen, no time.

Ah.

Oh, boy.

What a relief.

Hey, Clam.

What's that guy doing by our fence?

So hard to find a good piss pole these
days.

And this one's a beauty.

Hey, looks like he's breaking into my
chicken coop.

What a relief.

My back teeth were floating.

Teeth were just gonna fall right out.

They were just floating.

Oh, thank goodness I found this pole.

Oh, good.

Foster, put up your hands.

And turn around real slow.

Well, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Shut up.

Put up your hands.

Turn around real slow.

Well, okay.

Don't hurt me.

Huh?

These water bills are killing me.

I told you I wanted three campers to pee
before each flush.

Get it?

Got it.

Good.

Lobotomy, what are you doing back so soon
from the nature hunt?

Danny Anderson.

Mitch.

Annie and Henry.

Funny cigarettes.

Frogs.

What are you trying to tell me?

Well, they're lost.

And they're not coming back.

Miriam, check on his story.

We've gotta find those kids.

Some of them haven't paid their bill yet.

What time is it, Michelle?

You're a man, are you?

You've never been touched by a man before?

Scared I might turn you on?

Big shot.

I am sick of your snotty comments.

I've been touched by more men than you
could even imagine.

I bet you wouldn't even know what to do if
I really let you touch me anyway.

Yeah, I bet you never even got laid,
stub.

Hey, listen.

I wouldn't want to bore you with the
details.

Besides, you wouldn't understand half of
it anyway.

And don't call me stub.

My name is Stub.

Okay, stub.

Why don't you tell us about your sexual
conquests?

Yeah!

I don't want to talk about this!

The act of sexual intercourse,
the coupling of two organisms is the most

important and obviously essential one in
the life cycle of the species.

What the hell did she just say?

She's trying to tell us she never bogged
on a man before.

How about it, nature counselor?

I bet you're the world's first 22-year-old
virgin.

Yeah, yeah, when did Miss Nature Teacher
get a cherry?

Aren't we all charming today?

Okay, stub.

You're going to enlighten us on your vast
sexual experience.

Okay.

Okay, all right.

I'll tell you all about the first time I
got laid.

Under one condition.

What?

That you all tell me about the first time
you got laid.

What's the matter?

You've all done it, haven't you?

Of course.

What do you take us for?

Hey, Henry, we got a virgin in the group?

No.

I always get fucked.

Come on, Mitch, you start off.

First time I got laid.

Shit, there's been so many.

Ah, I remember.

It all started when I had a fight with my
chick, Kathy.

I took her to Inspiration Point,
a nice secluded place.

Where I knew we could be all alone.

Then I started to put those Major League
moves on her.

Oh.

Is that bubble gum I taste?

No.

I just have this terrible sinus
congestion.

Oh.

Kathy, if you could just...

Stud, we'd only be going out a week.

Oh, I know.

It's been a good week, too.

Just, just lightly.

I really don't want to.

Yeah, yeah, just...
Yeah, just, uh...

Just, just, yeah.

Just, uh... As usual, the chick
had her hands all over me.

We just.

I had to fight her away.

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

What is this sticky shit all over my
dress?!

You pig!

I hope this doesn't get me pregnant.

You prick.

But I knew it couldn't last forever,
So I hit the road.

Oh!

Hey, get out of here!

Asshole!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I decided to go while the going was good.

I don't like chicks who get stuck on me.

So I decided to thumb a ride.

People always took an instant liking to
me.

All I had to do was flex my biceps and it
was easy as fucking a tomato.

A real cute chick picked me up.

I could tell she was a real nice,
clean-cut girl.

She wasn't like Kathy at all.

She was mature.

What's your name?

My name's Mitch, but my friends call me
Stub.

Oh, Stud.

Stud?

Why that?

There's no women who can tell you why.

Are you always so shy and modest?

Only with breasts.

Girls I like.

Does that mean you like me?

You sure are kind of cute.

I really like the preppy look.

Gee, thanks a lot.

I don't get too many compliments in my
line of work.

What's your line of work?

You mean you can't tell what I do?

Not really.

Hey, Stud.

Into the road.

You never did tell me what you did.

I'm a hooker, you know?

A real live call girl.

Oh, shit.

Would I lie about something like that?

No, I guess not.

Why don't you come on over for a drink?

I'm sure you can find the time.

Well, yeah, I guess I could do that.

Where do you live?

I finally hit the jackpot with this chick.

But I didn't want to screw up this
opportunity.

So I decided to bring my
friend Jeff along because

he read all the books on
how to score with the women.

This is it.

Mitch, don't worry about a thing,
okay?

Just run the auto pass me one more time.

Okay, okay.

First body hygiene.

Oh, Mitch, no.

Come on, Jeff.

How many times do I have to tell you?

One, you're blowing her ear.

That drives him wild.

Two, body hygiene.

Some girls like for a
guy to spend some time in

the bathroom before
indulging in such activities.

Three, moan and groan.

Drives him wild.

Four, get him nice and wet.

And five...

Zingo.

Zingo.

Now, if all else fails, take my words of
wisdom for advice.

Okay.

When in doubt, whip it out.

That's it.

Okay.

Jeff was a real pro.

He started the evening off with rule
number one.

He blew in her ear.

Well, here I am, babe.

All six inches of me.

Who is this?

Oh, me?

Hey, I'm Jeff.

I'm gonna show you some hot action.

Well, uh, Mitch, I'm first.

Make yourself comfortable, because this is
gonna take a while.

As for you, sweetheart, tell me,
what do we got around the world?

Half and half French?

Greek?

I know Greek's usually a little extra.

Hey, maybe we can get the two-for-one
price.

Oh, hey, I know you professional-type
girls.

You like to see the cash first,
right?

Hey, okay, I don't blame you.

I come prepared.

Don't worry.

Let's see.

We got $1, $2, uh, $3, $4.

How does that sound, sweetheart?

Uh, there's more where this came from,
you know what I mean?

Well... What'd you
say your name was?

Jeff?

Jeff.

You got it.

Come on in.

Okay.

I don't believe what I done.

Look at this place.

This isn't the living room of a hooker.

This is the living room of a nice girl.

Uh, uh, excuse me for a moment,
please.

Yeah, really?

Holy shit!

What the hell was in that book?

Uh, uh, moans and groans, uh, body
hygiene, uh, my notes!

Loneria, body hygiene, moans and groans,
get a nice and wet single.

Okay, step number two, body hygiene.

Oh, my...

Oh, jeez.

Champagne.

Oh.

You brought me champagne.

Okay, body hygiene.

Uh, uh, moans and groans.

Moans and groans.

Uh, no.

No.

Uh, no.

Geez.

Oh.

Oh.

I got it now.

All I gotta do is take off my pants,
and I don't need a book for that.

Oh, look at this.

Horace Dervres.

Beautiful.

Beautiful Horace Dervres.

And I brought that animal here.

That animal.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

If that animal... If you
touch her, I'll kill ya.

You better be good to her.

God, what did I do?

What are you doing?

Oh.

I haven't even touched you yet.

I'm a very, very excitable guy.

Oh.

Doesn't look very excited.

You know, you're right.

Wait one second, will ya?

Step four.

Get her nice and wet.

Ah.

Get her nice and wet.

I understand.

You girls can't do it unless you're nice
and wet.

We'll do it.

And Jeffy here is gonna get you nice and
wet.

Ah.

God, you asshole.

Sweetheart, I can't help it.

I just followed
the... I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Mitch.

What the hell are you doing?

I did everything by the book.

You asshole.

This will show you how to treat a lady.

Oh, Mitch.

Give him the books.

That's all.

Come on, Lucy.

Hey.

I'm sorry I hit ya.

I didn't know he was gonna duck.

No, the lights.

Where am I?

I can't see.

Excuse me.

I know what it is.

Oh, my balls.

You'll never believe this, but,
uh...

This is really my first time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's just that, uh...

You must have been with thousands and
thousands of men.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Oh, you know what I meant, Lucy.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You don't have to worry.

Because I'm gonna teach you everything.

Everything?

Everything.

Even though it was my first time,
my instincts took over.

What do I do first?

Well, first, why don't you put your hand
on my breast?

Like that.

Oh!

Don't squeeze so hard.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Just very nicely.

Okay.

Mitch.

You're so hard.

And you're so big.

And you're so warm.

But if you would move down just a little
farther, it wouldn't be in my belly, but.

..

Oh.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you.

It's much better.

Oh, that is big.

That's nice.

Oh, Lucy.

Was

I good enough for you?

Yeah.

But you were wonderful.

Lucy?

Yeah?

Did you, uh...

You know...

Well, sometimes it takes a little more for
me to, you know...

Well, what can I do?

What more can I do?

Oh, you're wonderful.

Oh.

Oh.

Mitch, you're the best.

You're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Oh, God, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

And that's the way...

And that's the way it happened.

What a crock of shit.

Like, uh, attention...

Is this thing on?

Well, attention, campers.

Like, go to the mess hall for a truly cool
assembly.

Okay, campers.

It has been our tradition here at Camp Big
TP.

As I've told your parents,
on the last day of camp,

to always bring in our
nature appreciation film.

And you'd better li...

I'm sure you'll like it.

All right, Vinnie!

Come on, come on, come on.

Stop washing the dishes.

Get out here and start the damn movie.

Oh, okay.

Hit the lights.

The asbestos and toxic waste manufacturers
of America proudly present Nature,

your friend and mine.

All over America, people
are getting into the good

old outdoors and
appreciating their environment.

Let's take a trip with the Platt family.

Mom and Dad know how
important it is to have the

appropriate vehicle for their
outing into the wilderness.

Dad decided to get the economy-sized
vehicle with all the accessories.

A vehicle that illustrates their
understanding of nature's delicate harmony.

Junior and sis have been taught to respect
all the little animals in the forest.

So remember, look, don't touch.

Dad teaches his family that the woods
belong to everyone and that there are many

people who come to the forest to
appreciate the bird life.

Daddy, Daddy, look, a cuddling warbler!

There are only about 100 of those left in
the world.

They're almost extinct.

Come on, son, let's blow it out of the
sky!

Okay, Pop!

Oh, wow!

This film has been brought
to you by the Asbestos

and Toxic Waste
Manufacturers of America.

Isn't that great?

Isn't that great?

I told you we would have some fine
entertainment today!

Let's hear from you.

I'm sure you've got a great story to tell.

It's none of your business.

Danny Anderson, you promised!

Well, I...

Let Henry go first.

Yeah, come on, Henry.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, uh, sure.

I mean, with me, it was never any problem.

If I wanted a date, all I ever had to do
was reach over, pick up the phone,

and no problem.

Hi, there.

I'm here to tell you about Lovers for
Losers' new Checkmate Dating Service,

northern New Jersey's first scientifically
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Sounds too good to be true?

Just take a look at a few
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and note how they're
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I love my perfectly matched checkmate
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I love my perfectly matched checkmate
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I love my perfectly matched checkmate
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So call now for a herpes-free date that's
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Yes, if you're at home right
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So get that hand out from underneath that
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Yes, 888-6969, where our operators are
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prohibited by law.

Now those, of course, were just some of my
more casual dates.

But the first time it ever really happened
for me was on Halloween night.

This year, I decided to be different and
go as a ghost.

Oh, wow, Mom makes the best Halloween
costumes of anybody.

Hey, if I'm going to
be eating all that candy

tonight, I better get
something solid in my stomach.

Yeah, I need a pizza.

There was one slight problem with my
costume, though.

Mom forgot to cut a hole for my mouth.

When I tried to take off my hood,
the zipper got stuck.

No matter how hard I struggled, I
couldn't... I couldn't get the hood off.

I didn't panic.

I just got a pizza to go.

But my hood got turned around,
and I could hardly see where I was going.

I usually walked across a school parking
lot.

But there was a bunch of real naughty kids
there.

So I decided to avoid them and cut across
the field.

It's lucky I did, because these kids were
real bad.

Give me some money, blondie.

I knew they'd start trouble.

I don't know what you want from me.

Money.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Ron,

isn't that your purse she's carrying?

Yeah, that is my pink purse.

Hey, man, you got to let her take your
purse, man.

It got your lipstick in it.

She must have stole it from me.

Please don't hurt me.

Please.

Come on.

Let's kill the bitch, man.

Come on.

That's right.

Who turned out the lights?

Hey, man, check this shit out,
man.

Must be a Ku Klux Klan meeting somewhere,
man.

Hey, let's give them a real rock man's
welcome today.

Hey, what's going on here?

Hey, you're in the wrong place,
fool.

You're going to die, man.

Hey, what's going on here?

Whoa!

Hey!

Ouch!

Yeah!

All right.

All right, man.

All right, man.

That's what you get.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, man.

Oh, my goodness.

Don't hit me.

Don't hit me.

No, no.

It's all right.

They're gone.

Oh.

Oh, you poor thing.

Are you okay?

No, you came along just in time.

Those guys had knives.

Knives?

It was so smart of you to put on that
costume.

What, this costume?

All this was just a coincidence?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I guess I was pretty convincing,
huh?

Well, I guess I got to go.

Wait a minute.

I don't even know who you are.

I don't even know your name.

Doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.

You just saved my life.

My name is Henry Putz.

Goodbye.

Henry, I don't know if
I should be asking you

this, but do you think
you could walk me home?

I'm still kind of shaken up.

Sure.

Well, there goes my dinner.

Well, that's okay.

I'll get you something to eat at my house.

Little did I know that I'd just saved the
life of Barbara Billington, the richest,

most beautiful, most sophisticated teenage
nymphomaniac, in town.

Wow.

Nice house.

Oh, thanks.

Personally, I think it's a bit too big.

But, you see, when Daddy died,
he left Mom and me a lot of money.

So we moved from Akron and bought this
place.

Yeah?

My uncle comes from Akron.

So, Henry, let me take a look at this
wound for you.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Oh, Henry, it's a good thing I'm looking
at this.

If you had gotten some
of that cheese into the

cut, you could have gotten
mozzarella poisoning.

Mozzarella poisoning?

So, Henry, take off the costume.

Let me look at it for you.

Oh, no, it'll be okay.

Henry, just let me take a look.

No, no, no, it'll be okay.

What's the matter with you?

Well, it's just that I'm kind of uptight
about my body.

I mean, my tits are bigger than any girls
I ever met.

Oh, Henry, don't say things like that.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Most girls usually won't even talk to me,
and when they do, it's just to put me down.

I think you're a very nice guy,
Henry.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Most girls usually won't even give me the
time of day.

And when they do, that's always wrong.

Oh, Henry.

I mean, after all, it is my own fault.

No, stop.

I mean, because I am this big,
fat oaf.

Stop it, Henry.

I mean, all the guys that I go out with are
just self-centered, egotistical maniacs.

They just want to score so they can brag
to their friends.

You're very different.

Yeah?

Hmm.

Are those Dunkin' Donuts?

I thought they might be your favorite.

One donut?

One donut led to another.

We just couldn't stop ourselves,
and I guess we both lost control.

Oh, Henry.

Oh, Henry, you're so good.

You must be so experienced.

Oh.

Oh, Henry.

Am I good enough for you?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Henry.

Oh.

Oh, really, Henry, tell me.

Am I good enough?

Oh.

I don't think it could get any better than
this.

Hmm?

You want to bet?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I don't care what you do.

Just get that thing off of me.

I got enough hair down there.

I don't need that hairy thing there.

Now get it off of me now!

Now she won't hurt you if you don't hurt
her.

She's only trying to protect her young.

What about my young?

Now, calm down, Henry.

Don't excite yourself.

I'll handle this.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Now campers, I hate to have
to punish you in this way, but

no matter what I do, I can't
get you to do arts and crafts.

So I brought something that I think will
keep you interested.

Now, this is going to be a sculpture
class.

You each have your own individual wads of
clay in front of you.

And I would like you all to get to work.

Now get to work.

What are we supposed to make a sculpture
of?

I'd like you all to make a sculpture of
this.

Get out of my way.

Get out of my way.

No cuts.

I've been waiting since yesterday.

I give up baseball for this, for Christ's
sake.

Get out of the way.

It's my turn.

I'm sure Mr. Zitzler has the state police
out looking for us by now.

Mr. Zitzler?

Who do you want?

Can't you see I'm busy, Stinky?

Well, here are the magazines you ordered.

Thanks, Mr. Zitzler.

Oh, the kids that got lost on the nature
walk?

They still can't find them.

So keep looking.

Full house.

Mr. Zitzler, my frog is sick.

Will you get away from here, you creep?

Mr. Zitzler is not eating his Cocoa
Krispies.

Get!

Do you see what I have to put up with?

Well, we're not too low on food.

But we just ran out of water.

Well, I'm sure the whole camp must be
looking for us by now.

Listen up.

Listen up, Big TP-ers.

We've got a little problem.

Four campers and Michelle Farmer,
your nature counselor, are lost.

Now, you all know that here
at Camp Big TP, we all like to

consider ourselves a big,
happy family that sticks together.

Absolutely!

And now we've all got to get together to
help find Michelle and her campers.

Because if we don't find them,
camp will shut down next year.

Did anybody hear anything?

No.

I thought I heard something.

We should be saved soon.

My mom's coming to pick me up today.

She's going to go nuts if she can't find
me.

Why, Mrs. Anderson, I was just looking for
you.

You know very well I phoned
you this morning and told you

I'd be here promptly this
afternoon to pick up my Danny.

Now, where is he?

What's going on around here?

Here?

Well, here is the basketball court where
we teach them the rudiments of basketball.

Basketball?

My Danny loves basketball.

Is he playing?

Well, playing is only a figurative term,
Emmy.

See, it parallels the life... Can
you take me to see my Danny?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Yes, we have a marvelous canoeing
program and I'd love to show you this, Mrs.

Anderson.

Ann, why are you so quiet lately?

It's getting cold in here.

Try not to think about the cold.

Think about something else.

Think about the first time you got laid.

Because I want to hear all about it.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm sure my story is in
half as exciting... as any of yours.

I'm just a little farm girl.

And I didn't know any little farm boys my
age.

The work was so hard and the hired hands
were so lazy.

I had to make out the best I could.

I don't know what it was.

Whether it was the heat, the sweat,
the frustration of the farm work, or what.

But something changed for me that day.

And it first hit me later
that night when my

girlfriends came over
for a slumber party.

Annie, I'm going on my very first date
Saturday night.

What should I do?

Okay, this is what you do.

Now, put your hand on his leg,
that up to here.

You don't want him to think you're too
easy.

Now he's going to pretend to yawn like
this.

He's going to go to second base.

Don't worry, he's just going to feel you
up.

Well, what if he tries to kiss me?

There are two kinds of kisses.

The dry kiss and the wet kiss.

This is a wet kiss.

This is a dry kiss.

Now, this is the wet kiss.

Stick out your tongue like me.

Did anybody hear anything?

No.

No?

Maybe one of the animals got loose.

I'm going to go check.

Greg, get us some donuts.

Apple spice.

Apple spice.

Apple spice.

Little did I know that a starving,
out-of-work actor had broken into my house.

We don't ripen buns Stop that,
Annie.

She doesn't know anything.

Now you see this?

Let me show you something.

Don't make a sound.

Are you listening to me?

Now, do as I say or
I'll slit your throat and

let the blood drip all
over your nice nightie.

Now, when I take my hand off your mouth I
don't want you to scream.

I don't want you to make a sound.

Then what I want you to do, I want you to
get some milk and cookies.

Now I'm going to take my hand off and
don't make a sound.

Yow!

Ow!

Okay,

Butter, or Buster, who are you?

Johnny.

Johnny Robbins.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted something to eat.

I've been running all night.

You're scared.

Can I have something to eat, please?

I had no choice but to get him something
to eat.

And I knew it had to taste real good.

After I was nice enough to meet his
demands, he dragged me into our stable.

First he tried to seduce me.

Then he grabbed and kissed me.

He began tearing off my clothes.

He couldn't keep his rough and calloused
hands off me.

Now that he had his cookies, he decided he
wanted the milk.

Everybody says try to forget.

But I hate it's no use saying I hate it.

I don't want to eat anything.

You're going to be in danger.

You're in me.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Enough.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

He was a madman!

He was crazy!

Crazy!

He made me do it!

I had no other choice!

You poor baby!

Oh, come on, Annie.

You can't expect us to believe that.

Oh, yeah?

He left this behind.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, my God.

I didn't realize.

What a horrifying experience.

That's terrible.

Come here.

That's really terrible.

I'm really glad to see that you got over
that.

I've never heard of anything quite that
bad.

How did you get over it?

Hey, my knife!

Oh, that Mary Lou is amazing, Bozo.

That box.

Oh, I want it so bad.

She's not interested in nobody,
man.

What am I gonna do?

Melvin, I've been thinking about this all
day.

I got a great idea.

I read somewhere, if
you want a girl to go

crazy about you, you
do it in her food, okay?

And she eats it, okay?

She'll be all over you, man.

We're talking instant nature.

I'm telling you.

Make sure you get it in her food.

Make sure she eats it, man.

She'll be all over you.

All right, Melvin?

All right, man.

Can you handle it, Melvin?

Hey, I know I can handle it, man.

Hey, there's Mary Lou.

And she's wearing that bikini.

Oh, those nipples.

She's gonna eat it just like I told you.

Just like I told you.

Any minute, she'll be heading our way.

Yup.

Mary Lou's thinking about eating it.

What the?

Oh, no.

What's that fat slob doing?

She's eating it.

Butch is eating it.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Can't be.

Oh, no.

300 pounds.

You know what you have something to tell
us there, Howdy Doody?

Well, I guess so, if you're still
interested.

Sure, we could all use a good nap.

Nap on this, stub.

Well, my story begins when I was much
younger.

I had a very clear picture of the girl of
my dreams.

Unfortunately, she was only in the pages
of Penthouse magazine.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh.

I guess my Danny must be reading in bed
again.

My big opportunity came when my brother
Ted and I went on vacation down to the

Caribbean, where I got to see him in
action with all those gorgeous girls.

Last time just wasn't long enough.

The guys had to brace up on the ground.

Well, how about this one?

You can sleep on the ground.

Dorico!

See you later tonight, iron thighs.

I have to go do my nails.

I want to look good for you all over my
body.

You already do, baby.

She practically tore your bathing suit
off.

Hey, I think she was hot.

You should see your friend.

Oh, by the way, I fixed you up with her
tonight.

Wow!

A date for me?

Thanks, big brother.

Anything for you, pal.

But listen, tonight, don't embarrass me,
okay?

So when you got this chick in your room,
all right, you start banging away at her.

Make sure she's really screaming loud,
all right?

Screaming?

Sure.

Why, do I hurt her?

No, it's for the effect.

Just think about it.

You're in there banging away and she's
screaming?

Your buddies are outside.

Okay?

They hear her screaming
your name and they're

going, Boy, that Danny,
he's hung like a horse.

Yeah.

Hey, you want another trick?

Always works for me.

What?

Take a big wad of toilet paper,
right?

Shove it down your pants.

Uh-huh.

Okay?

That way, she'll see you.

Nice big bulge down there.

She's got something to work with.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You're gonna have a good time tonight,
buddy.

Yeah.

Yuriko!

Whoa!

Suddenly, I felt a strange heat on my
back.

I turned around and there she was,
my dream girl.

She was even more beautiful in person.

I thought I was dreaming, but no,
it was true.

The girl from the pages of Penthouse was
standing right in front of me.

I was speechless.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

Before I could make my move, she was gone.

Just when I thought I'd never see her
again, I turned around and there she was.

I didn't know if my eyes were playing
tricks on me or what.

So I had to tell my brother.

I said... Ted!

Ted!

Did you see that?

What?

It's the girl on the cover of Penthouse.

She smiled at me.

He said... Danny, I really
think you've been sick.

You're spending a little too much time in
the sun, pal.

I figured maybe I had been out in the sun
too long.

Hey, boss!

Look!

Zip lane!

Zip lane!

Ted and I planned to stick together that
night.

He said teamwork was the name of the game.

Yeah, teamwork.

For the last time, did you see her on the
beach today?

Will you stop messing around with this
magazine?

Look, just turn the centerfold.

Maybe you'll recognize her from there.

These pages are all stuck together.

What have you been doing with this?

Now listen.

Why don't you just forget about girls and
magazines...

and start to think about the real poontang
coming over here tonight?

Huh?

Gladys!

Gladys, yeah!

Tonight, buddy, you're gonna be a man.

Yeah.

All right, now these girls are hot.

So we gotta be on our toes, okay?

Let's make sure we have everything set up.

Okay.

Got the liquor?

Check.

Reefer?

Check.

Rubbers?

Crap.

Petroleum jelly?

Crap.

Okay, Danny, tonight, it's just you and
me.

Team.

Inseparable.

Teddy boy.

Mona!

Hey, baby.

You look like a million bucks.

You're looking pretty good tonight
yourself, iron thighs.

Hey, who's this kid?

It's my little brother Danny.

You remember from the beach?

Hmm.

He's supposed to be with Gladys tonight.

Where is she, anyway?

Oh, I forgot to tell her.

I had important things to do.

I had to do my nails.

Hey, are we going to end up babysitting
tonight?

What is this?

Uh, no.

He was just leaving, weren't you,
Danny?

It's Graham.

Beat it.

Here's your hat and your whip and,
uh, here's a dollar.

Why don't you go out and maybe see a movie
and sleep on the beach tonight, buddy?

Thanks a lot.

I'll see you in the morning.

Okay, Teddy baby.

Let's party.

All right.

What?

I've been waiting for you.

For me?

Your name's Danny, isn't it?

How did you know?

Oh, just a lucky guess.

Have some champagne.

It's wonderful.

Here's to long nights and deep emotions.

I'll drink to that.

They say if you wish hard enough,
your dream can come true.

They do?

They say if a dream comes true,
it's a dream.

If a dream can come true, it'll change
your life forever.

They do?

They say that falling in love is
wonderful.

They do?

Yeah.

Wow.

Mona, you're kind of special to me,
you know?

Uh-uh.

I've never met anybody like you before.

Whoa.

I really think I'm falling in love with
you.

Ted!

Ted, we have the whole night ahead of us.

I wouldn't want you to peak too soon.

How about another drink?

But I've already had seven.

Oh, come on, Danny.

You've been dreaming about this for a long
time.

But I don't understand.

I saw you on the beach
today, and then you

disappeared, and there
was a fat man in your chair.

What are you trying to do to me?

I'm going to do to you exactly what you
want me to do.

Oh, Mona!

Oh, stop!

Wait!

I don't even know any important thing
about you.

I mean, for example, what's your sign?

I'm Taurus.

The Bull.

Oh!

Oh, God!

I mean, like, where do you go to school?

What does your father do?

He's a plumber or something.

Who cares?

Well, it's just that I like to
get to know my men a little

bit better before I take
them to that special place.

What's your name again?

Huh?

Danny, your bulge!

Danny, you don't have to impress me.

Then it happened, just like my brother
said it would.

I didn't know if I could live up to my
brother's standards.

I'm going to pork you, you bitch!

When I heard Ted's girl, Mona,
screaming, I knew Ted had things in mind.

Oh, God!

Oh, oh, Teddy, I'm so sorry.

Let me rub it for you.

Maybe I can make it feel better.

No, no, get out of here.

Just leave me alone.

Well, thanks for a lovely evening.

I knew I had matters well in hand.

Ted would have been proud of me.

I was so excited, I didn't even notice
that Mona walked in.

You'd think a lover like
Ted would be enough

for any girl, but Mona
still wasn't satisfied.

Okay, Danny boy.

Let's party.

Wow!

So they taught me how to have an orgy.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever
heard.

I don't care what you think, douchebag.

It happened just that way.

We have been stuck in here all day.

What if they can't find us?

What if they're not even looking for us?

We've just got to trust them, Annie.

They'll find us.

I think there's something terribly wrong
here.

Has he had an allergy attack?

Gee, Mr. Zitzler.

Have you heard anything about Danny and
the others yet?

No, as a matter of fact, we have not.

Now, it's time for your dip, dippy.

Danny and the others?

Danny and the others?

Danny and the others, it's a rock group
coming in to entertain our campers.

Rock?

Rock?

Rock?

Oh, you're interested in rocks,
Mrs. Anderson.

Why didn't you tell me in the first place?

I've got a rock collection for you.

Well, I guess it's time for the moment of
truth.

When was the first time Miss Nature
Teacher got her pubes partied?

What is the matter with you?

You have a one-track mind.

When did you just grow up?

Oh, Miss Maturity.

What makes you better than everyone else?

Were you all told about the first time we
got laid?

What are you so afraid of?

All right.

I'll tell you.

I'm proud of my relationship with Dwayne.

It was perfect.

He was everything a girl could want.

What a hunk.

What a man.

Even as far back as junior
high school, Dwayne and I

innocently explored the
mysteries of coming adulthood.

Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.

I think we have a definite problem here.

Are you sure this was your homework
assignment?

Of course I'm sure.

What do you think?

Oh, no.

The nurse has a boo-boo.

And you know what else, nurse?

The doctor has a boo-boo, too.

Where?

Here.

Here.

Kiss it and make it better, please.

Okay.

The nurse will not kiss the doctor's
boo-boo.

The nurse kisses his boo-boo to make it
better.

It's going to cost $25.

Do you have Blue Cross or Blue Shield?

Hi, Mom and Dad.

Is everything all right, Dwayne?

Mom and Dad were crazy about Dwayne and
invited him over once a week for dinner.

He and Dad saw eye to eye on everything.

Well, Dwayne, my boy, have you registered
for the draft yet?

No, have you?

Why, son, years ago I did my duty.

You did your duty?

Well, why don't you flesh it?

Right, Michelle?

Right.

Besides, I don't think they should waste
the cream of American youth such as myself.

Right, Michelle?

Right.

Oh, very sensible.

Do you like meat, Dwayne?

I love meat.

Meat, Mrs. Richards.

Right, Michelle?

Lucy, isn't it wonderful that
a fine, upstanding young man

like Dwayne has taken an
interest in our little Michelle?

Oh, Dizzy, we're so lucky.

I have a special announcement I've
received.

Everybody, Dwayne is taking me to the
prom.

Darling, that's marvelous.

I couldn't be happier.

Thank you, Daddy.

Dwayne, you better take care of my little
girl.

Oh, I'll take care of her, Mr. Richards,
sir.

Right, Michelle?

It was right then and there that I felt
the first stirrings of youthful passion.

And I knew it wouldn't be long before the
earth moved for me.

I decided that Dwayne would be my first.

Then came the night of the junior prom.

Dwayne was so romantic.

Afterwards, he took me to a disco.

Gee, that was a great prom, Dwayne.

Oh, Dwayne.

Oh, Dwayne.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I threw up in your punch,
though, Michelle.

You did?

I get it.

You want to dance!

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

One says I'm lazy.

One doesn't speak.

One's a volcano and bound us really.

I cut through the station.

Just when I thought Dwayne was about to
make the earth move for me, she appeared.

Get in my engine.

Go for a whirl.

I said it's easier to fix a car than it
makes a girl.

I was crushed.

I couldn't imagine what he saw in her.

Hey!

Hey!

Dwayne!

What about me?

I

never felt so lonely in all my life.

Then I saw him across the crowded room.

And I knew there could be life after
Dwayne.

I felt like I was floating on a cloud.

I knew in a flash that he was twice the
man Dwayne was.

He grabbed me and kissed me.

I felt like a bowl of quivering jello in
his arms.

He came close to me and whispered
something in my ears.

Let's go.

I guess I must have misunderstood.

I thought he said bowling.

What he really said
was... Let's go bowling.

So we went bowling.

He picked just the right spot.

Oh, it wasn't exactly lover's lane.

But for 75 cents, shoes included,
what do you expect?

Well, how do you like the date so far?

By the end of the evening,
I could see that the only

thing he had on his mind
was scoring up my alley.

The date was a strike for him.

But a gutter ball for me.

Well, the earth didn't move for me.

But I suppose it could have been worse.

Yeah, you could have got your twat
twizzled by Dwayne.

Stinky, you're now a member of our
traditional circle jerk.

Congratulations.

You know, guys, I'm really touched you let
me take part in this.

It's really the climax of my summer.

Ah, that's okay, Stink.

We feel you have what it takes to take
part in our sacred event.

This is a very select group you're
entering, Stink.

You'll remember that.

And here are the rules.

All lights must be turned off.

And the first person to
reach climatic finality is

the honorary chairman of
the Eagles for next summer.

Stop joking.

And start stroking.

Okay.

How you doing, Stinky?

I'm doing okay.

Go, Stinky!

Go, Stinky!

I always

knew you could handle yourself in a crowd.

The lantern is flickering.

There must be a breeze.

From an air passage they must have begun
to dig us out.

Yes!

Yes!

Where are we coming from?

We're in Erie!

Oh.

I believe I was incorrect in my original
analysis.

What?

What?

What?

Well, at a clearly
diminished level indicates that

there is no longer sufficient
oxygen to support burning.

What?

What?

Getting a headache.

Why, yes, Annie.

Your headache is a clear indication that
the carbon dioxide level has reached the

point where... breathing becomes
impaired and asphyxiation sets in.

Asphyxiation?

You mean like suffocating?

You mean there's no more oxygen to burn?

Calm down.

Calm down.

I'm sure that help is on the way.

They're probably close enough to hear us.

I do not go down on French poodles,
I am sure.

Oh.

Are we on?

Oh.

Attention, campers.

Meet your parents.

Like in front of the grody mess hall,
okay?

Hey!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Hi!

Hi!

Mom, I won the circle jerk.

That's my boy.

Daddy!

Where's my daddy?

Excuse me, have you seen my daddy?

Daddy!

Attention, parents.

Go to the totally tubular
arts and crafts show where

you'll like children's
exhibits are now on display.

Whoa.

Now, parents, look at the subtlety of
these curving lines.

The smooth yet rugged texture of the
pieces speaks eloquently of the thrusting

and parrying techniques that your very
talented children have utilized in order

to put together these beautiful,
marvelous works of art.

Oh, my God, it's bigger than yours,
Harold.

The

lantern went out.

Michelle was right.

We're running out of air.

Um, uh, everybody down on the ground.

There's more air on the ground.

Um, down.

This is ridiculous.

Michelle, will you just get down and
breathe, please?

Why?

Just get down and breathe!

All right!

It can't be.

It can't happen.

It can't happen.

We gotta get out of here.

This can't happen.

We just gotta get out of here.

I can't deal with this.

We gotta get out of here.

Oh, shit.

I'm 17.

I'm gonna die.

And I've never been laid.

What?

Huh?

What?

What?

I made the whole thing up.

Shit.

I don't even know how to talk to a girl.

Me neither.

I mean, I've never made it either.

There wasn't a dream girl.

And there was no man with a knife.

I made it up.

I'm gonna die a virgin.

Well, I guess there was no Barbara
Billington.

Well, I mean, there really was a Barbara
Billington.

But she was just a waitress I had a crush
on at the local Dunkin' Donuts.

I'm going to die a virgin.

Well, let's not dwell on the past.

I mean, I've always believed that if you
live fully in the moment and lived by the

laws of nature, then
if death comes to take

you before your time,
you'll be part of nature.

But what the fuck are you talking about,
Michelle?

Goddammit, you're always talking this
bullshit.

For once in your life, can't you just talk
like a normal human being?

Come on, Mitch.

Henry, you wanna hear this shit?

She's always dealing out.

Well, I don't know, Mitch.

You gotta think about nature now.

I mean, it's one thing if an 80-year-old
woman gets killed by a bus.

It's another thing if a kid dies before
her.

Well, I just think that really sucks.

Fuck you, Henry!

You're just as bad as she is!

What is this philosophy bullshit?

You're all just scared!

I'm not fucking scared!

Goddammit!

I'm going to die a virgin.

Why don't you just cut out this tough-guy
routine?

You're just as scared as we are!

Oh, Michelle, you've always had it in for
me.

Always!

Yeah, come on, get it out now!

I've always liked you.

Bullshit!

I've always liked you.

I've always admired you.

You know, the way the little kids look up
to you, they see you as a role model.

I've always wished I could be closer to
you.

I think we should all
be spending these last

few moments being
close instead of fighting.

I'm going to die a virgin.

We're all part of nature's constant state
of flux.

If I ever get out of here, I'll never eat
junk food again.

If I ever get out of
here, I'll change my

subscription from Penthouse
to National Geographic.

I promise!

I don't want to die a virgin.

If I ever get out of here, I'll never eat
junk food again.

I promise!

This fucking cave sucks!

If

I ever get out of here, I'll never eat
junk food again.

I promise!

...how are you doing?

You have to seeds to keep me out of it.

Now, just where did you come from?

More wrong than right?

Can I make Druckenweyss

food on an island?

Dr Oh, this is so easy.

You're make me feel better.

Mr.

Zitzler, you're in such a rush to sell
this camp.

I've got to think it over.

It's late.

I'll call you, Mr. Zitzler.

Please, Mr. Costello, please buy my camp.

You've got to buy my camp.

I've got to sell this camp.

That damned Anderson kid.

I don't have any insurance.

What am I going to do?

I see you, Mr. Zitzler.

Where's my daddy?

I'm sick and tired of all this double
talk.

All the other parents have found their
children.

Where's my daddy?

Why, Mrs. Anderson, I was just looking for
you.

My daddy boy is lost.

He's gone.

I can't find him anywhere.

Mrs. Anderson, now please get a hold of
yourself.

He comes very unsteady on this dock.

What kind of a dump is this?

What in the world is that?

Mr. Zitzler, I couldn't find Danny's body
in this part of the lake.

Danny's body!

Danny's body!

Danny's body!

Oh, Danny's body!

Mrs. Anderson, don't move.

I'll get a lifeguard.

It'll take about ten minutes.

These lifeguard costs are killing me.

I'll do it myself.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Get this way!

Get this way!

Mr. Zitzler, you saved my life!

I do hope Danny will be all right.

Oh, Danny's all right.

Danny is insured.

You have insurance?

Oh, Mrs. Anderson.

Ah!

Ah!

What happened?

I don't know.

Hey.

Hey, do you guys smell anything?

I think it's fresh air.

Look!

I see daylight!

There's light!

The company has opened up!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

What a fucking day!

I had a feeling.

Danny Anderson is now acting in pornographic
films under the name of Dickie Long.

He has delighted millions of moviegoers
with his unique bulge.

Stud, how you doing, huh?

Listen, listen, don't call me Stud,
call me Mitch, okay?

Mitch became a priest and opened a parish
in San Francisco.

He is now a spokesman for gay rights for
the celibate clergy.

Cheese doodles!

Henry Putts works for the
American Cheese Manufacturers

Association as
commissioner of natural gas.

They're all yours, kid.

After eight unsuccessful marriages and the
cancellation of her Bloomingdale's credit

card, Annie Goldberg suffered a nervous
breakdown and became a vegetable.

She is now living quietly in Columbus,
Ohio, as a Brussels sprout.

Michelle Farmer pursued
her interest in nature and now

heads up the government's
program for wildlife preservation.

And fly, fly away, fly away little fish!

Whee!

They turn me on!

Good impression!

Bragging about the girl that I knew!

You were the first!

You were the first!

You were the first!

You were the first!

I

don't wanna say it and you don't wanna
hear it But I have to say I get a little

deeper in it The more you turn away From
chasing at a downhill runaway I know If

you wanna hold on You gotta let it go But
that's a contradiction when you're

overdosed Philosophy
is fine when you're

logical But hearts don't
diagnose the obstacles