Original subtitles

Well, apparently that is classed as prostitution.

Right.

Come on, get to work.

We're being inspected by mystery shopper today.

That might be him.

Stop.

We're the price fun police.

To intolerance

No, what are you going to do?

Arrest me?

We're not actually the police.

But I am a real phone.

Really?

I like your shoes.

Thank you.

Understated, I think.

- Are you an SI 600 Smartphone? - Yes.

What's your best features?

Um, I know this.

Something about a price plan.

I have buttons.

I ring.

I'm going to have to check that.

What's your number?

What?

My natural number?

You don't work for the phone place?

I work in that office building.

Watching you all morning, not in a creepy way.

So, have your number?

My number?

Her number?

Yeah.

Beg?

Please ring me.

Oh, no.

Meg.

Nick.

Nick.

Never dated a phone before, but do phones eat dinner?

Yeah, we love dinner.

- Tonight? - Tonight?

Well, I mean I was supposed to be

staying in and looking at photos of cats on the internet.

But, OK, then.

See you later then.

Get back to work.

I will.

Pinch me.

Ow! Bunny.

I can't believe that we are the ones who

are dressed like stripper grams and you're the one

who is getting the date.

Maybe he's into phone sex.

I've been dying to say that.

Well, I mean, he's obviously not shallow.

I could be anything under here.

I could have a willy or three tits.

Or no tits.

Imagine that.

Who's go is it in the phone?

I felt a tad itchy in that suit this morning.

Oh, shit.

Maybe I've got my scabies back again.

Sorry, you say you've got?

Scabies.

It's a bit like lice.

Right, well, is it contagious?

What are you saying long words at me for?

Right, I want to get out now.

Hi ya, Janet.

Hi ya, Laura.

Hi, Laura.

Hi, Laura.

Hi, sweetheart.

How are you?

Your usual, is it?

No, not the morning after pill.

I think the scabies is back, Janet.

Well, let's have a look.

Yep.

That's scabies.

Those are all mites laying all their eggs under your skin.

Is it an STD or something?

Can be.

It's very contagious.

You can just get it from sharing clothes.

Do you want the cream in case?

Yeah.

I might have caught it.

$14.99

I haven't got it.

Lord, you poor love.

Take this on the house.

You're such a good customer.

Come back if you need any more.

Thanks, Janet.

Chin up, love.

I don't feel very well either.

Oh, what's the matter, love?

I think I've got depression.

Since when?

OK, well, have you got any symptoms?

I don't have any motivation and I

feel very sad and hopeless and sometimes I want

to harm myself and/or others.

Leave it a couple of days.

Come back if you don't feel any better.

I will.

Oh, bye girls.

Bye, Laura.

See you, Laura.

Can you fetch me the disinfectant, please, Anita?

Not doing very well at work?

Yes.

Difficulties at home?

Yes.

Google is not a doctor.

It's the NHS web site, so in a way it is.

Do I find it hard to make decisions?

I don't know. Do I?

You just bored.

You're being really mean to me considering I

might have a clinical illness.

It's telling me to call an ambulance now.

Hey, I'm the sick one.

Can you rub this on my back?

I can't.

I'm too depressed.

God, this place is like a walk in center.

That cream smells of petrol and not in a good way.

Bloody hell, I want to go out tonight.

Should you really be going out with scabies?

Reckon I can cover up the smell.

So are you going to tell Gary you've

got a contagious infection?

No.

He'll think I've cheated on him.

Have you?

Well, yeah, but.

Well, you're going to have to tell that guy as well.

No. It just says your partner.

I don't think scabies mites only lay eggs

when you're properly going out.

So I've got to tell them all then?

Oh.

Can I borrow your phone?

I haven't got enough credit for that.

So, how are you feeling about your hot date, Meg?

Confidant.

He knows I'm currently employed as a jumbo telephone

and he still wants to meet me.

So I'm guessing his standards are pretty low.

OK, so, have you ever read "Weapons of Mass Seduction"?

No, but I ordered it online along with my whip

and handcuffs.

Sarcasm.

That's what it says.

Men hate that.

Oh, yeah.

Because I'm too sarcastic.

I see what you mean.

What else does it say?

Men like dating versions of themselves.

Ooh, wicked.

Can I wear my trouser suit?

No, darling.

Rule number one.

Match his opinions.

Also, order something exotic to eat

and you will be at first base before dessert, Meg.

First base as in holding hands.

You're not really supposed to kiss on the first date,

are you? - No.

It's everything but, isn't it, Laura?

Don't do dates.

You see, if I really like him, I will give him a blowie.

Yeah.

I'm not really a fan of those.

Oh, God.

Bet you're all teeth.

You just haven't met the right cock yet.

Some cocks are just very suckable.

You want to dive right in.

Yeah.

I think we're getting a little bit ahead of ourselves.

Plus I might have skin lice soon.

OK.

Definitely don't mention the scabies.

That's not in the book.

That's just my opinion.

Which I agree with.

Rule number one.

Well done.

I love date training.

I'm so excited.

Yet, so depressed.

Maybe I'm bipolar. - Hi.

It's Laura.

You got scabies.

Bye.

Hi ya, it's Laura.

You got scabies.

Bye.

Hi ya, it's Laura.

Uh, so, what's your favorite swear word?

Cock.

I like cock.

Bit forward for a first date.

Yes, what I mean is, the penis based swear words are good.

Ah, right.

What's your favorite lady another word?

Beaver.

Beaver's good.

I like minge.

It's not the best one though obviously.

Oh, yeah, right.

That was my favorite one.

Shall I say it?

- No, please don't say it. - I'm going to say it.

Please don't say it. No.

Don't say it.

Cunt.

What?

Oh, you're not one of those?

Oh, come on. - Sorry.

I just really hate that word.

Salmon?

And oysters.

Oysters.

You're brave.

Well, I'm very exotic, you see.

Nice?

Hmm.

Did you just spit that out?

No.

That's how you're supposed to do it.

So where do you live?

Heddingly.

Me too.

I live with my mental ex-boyfriend.

Shall I change the subject?

Yeah.

So my friend Laura has this infection.

What kind of infection?

Well, it's been like lice.

You sort of like tiny little mites

and they burrow under your skin and they lay eggs.

And there's this like really inflamed rash.

And the best bit was when we were in the pharmacy.

And sorry, can you just stop pouring water all the time?

I've just had one glass of water, which he poured.

I'm adequately hydrated.

Sorry. Just doing my job.

Well do it better.

Where was I?

I might be getting scabies any day now is what I'm saying.

What?

It's not an STD necessarily.

It can be sexually transmitted.

But I didn't want to say that because I

didn't know whether we were going to or not.

Do you want the bill?

Yeah.

Princess Di called.

Wants her suit back.

This is your fault by the way.

If you didn't have scabies, I wouldn't even

have been talking about it.

I told you specifically not to talk about it.

Should you even be out, Laura?

I put makeup over the top.

It's not like anybody knows.

How much perfume have you got on?

It's air freshener.

Men of Leeds are in for a treat tonight.

God, is this place even worth the wait?

It'll cheer you up.

I've seen some right 'uns going in.

See?

Uh.

- Don't, Meg. - No.

He can't do that.

You can't do that.

Excuse me.

There is a queue.

You can't just swarm up to the front, and ooh, I'm macho.

I'm the lead wanker.

No it doesn't work like that.

Actually, we're just here for a private party.

And I'm not from Leeds.

I'm from Bingley.

As you were.

Eddie's party, hey?

In you go, mate.

Actually we're here for that party too.

Who's?

Eddie's.

Just go through to the function room, huh?

We're gate crashing.

This is what gate crashing feels like.

I feel so alive.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, there.

We're hear for Eddie.

Free drinks?

Get in.

Oh, yes, buffet.

I'm starving.

Boom.

What's that cake? - It's a quiche.

Is everybody looking at us?

No.

I think we're blending in. - Oh.

I'm bored.

Isn't here.

We need to stay for at least as long as the free drinks

last.

I really need to scratch my ass.

Just don't attract any attention.

We need come up with a back story

like, we were a short film with Eddie.

Right, because he's an actor now.

What a terrible idea.

Let's just not talk to anybody.

Hi.

Weren't you the girl who shouted at me in the queue?

Sorry.

My mistake.

So, how do you know Eddie?

Meg went to university with him.

Oh, right.

Did you do maths?

Yes, she did.

You're the brainbox, then are you?

Yes.

It's not just adding up and taking away.

No.

It's angles, it's fractions, it's finding the root.

Well, I'm Eddie's brother.

I visited him a couple of times.

I remember you little pi animals.

Yeah, well, that's maths.

Let's just say we're very good at dividing our time.

Amazing.

Barnie, by the way.

Meg.

I'm surprised we never met.

Weird.

So what do you do?

I'm an accountant.

Like Eddie?

Exactly.

Ah, yes.

I love the animal game.

Oh, You look a bit like a swan.

The only bird with a penis?

Well, no female swan.

What would Eddie's animal be?

Eddie.

Bird of prey?

Yeah. Yeah.

He looks a bit like an eagle.

Eddie the Eagle.

Barney?

You OK?

Yeah. Good.

Sorry.

I just miss him so much.

Why did he have to go and kill himself?

OK.

I'm just going to get you some tissues.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Laura, listen to me.

Eddie is dead.

You are dancing at a wake.

Oh, right, got you.

I am in touch with my emotions so I have been able to self

diagnose acute depression.

Bunny can I have a word?

Actually, Meg.

I'm having a very serious conversation about my illness.

Meg doesn't think that I have anything to be depressed about,

that I'm just attention seeking.

I really need to talk to you.

Listen to me.

I found something out.

It's pretty bad.

It wasn't my fault. How was I supposed to know he

was under age.

OK, not that.

This party we're at, the one we've gatecrashed,

Eddie's party.

Oh, he's not worth it, love.

Shh!

Listen to me.

Eddie is fucking dead, killed himself.

What? Just now?

No, we're at a wake.

Oh, my god.

Eddie, why?

Oh, poor Eddie.

Who we didn't know.

Oh, I've been asking where he is all night.

Whoopsie. - Right we have to leave.

No.

I think we should stay.

And pay our respects.

Plus, it would be really good for me to be around

so many depressed people.

Are you trying to cry?

Oh, God it's Nick from the date.

What does he want?

Sorry I left so abruptly.

I completely overreacted.

Do you want to meet tomorrow.

Second date, high five.

Meg, inappropriate.

Let's get out of here.

Meg.

Been looking for you.

Need to talk to you.

Please don't leave me.

I don't want to be alone, not tonight.

Will you come home with me?

Meg.

Bunny says she's not ready to go yet.

Something about a tribute.

No.

Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you.

That is how I know you, know

I can't take much more of this.

Let's go.

Meg. Meg.

Don't go.

Look, Meg, me and you tonight.

It was meant to be.

Come back to mine, please.

It's what he would have wanted.

For Eddie?

Yeah.

For Eddie.

Let's get a cab.

Haven't got any money.

You accountants, you're all the bloody same.

At least he's taken sympathetic shag

to the next level.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Are you thinking about Eddie?

No.

Are you?

Not anymore.

You make all the pain go away.

Really?

Must be pretty good then.

Please don't stop blowing me.

It'll set me off again.

Nope?

OK.

Shh.

Down we go.

Ah, yeah, you're amazing.

Cheers.

Oh, God, I'm going to come.

I'm going to come for Eddie.

Eddie!

Thank you.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing.

You're incredible.

I feel so much better.

Cool.

Awesome me.

Well, we can crack on again in a minute.

Just going to call the girls.

Let them know I'm not dead.

That was the wrong thing to say.

But you are asleep anyway.

Don't want to close my eyes.

I don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you, babe

and I don't want to miss a thing.

Because even when I dream of you.

Laura, I'm a legend.

I found the right cock.

No, he's all over it.

I'm amazing at blow jobs.

What can I say?

No, he stopped crying.

I don't know.

I think I've blown him back together.

Yeah, OK.

Come and meet me.

All right.

I'll send you a drop in.

Laters.

Slut.

Oh, fuck.

What?

Have you left this room?

Has anybody seen you?

Well, I've been to the toilet, but there

was no one else in there.

We need to get you out of here.

Well, good morning to you too.

No, sorry.

It's just, fuck!

I need to go check something.

Just stay here.

Have to see if she's come back.

Who?

Stay here.

OK, technically you are holding me hostage.

OK.

So, Here's the plan.

You ready? - Yeah.

All right.

I'm going to go downstairs and distract

my housemate in the kitchen.

I need you to sneak past the kitchen,

get out the front door without being seen.

Remember where the main door is, yeah?

Uh, yes.

Excellent.

OK.

I need you to wait on the landing.

Wait for my signal.

We clear?

Yes.

Copy.

I've got butterflies.

Let's go.

Wait.

I didn't get your number.

Yeah.

I gave it to you last night.

No, you didn't.

I'm sure we did that.

- No. - OK.

Let's just get you out of here, shall we?

Oh wait.

Definitely gave it to you last night.

What's the signal?

Oh, uh.

OK.

Good luck.

Meg!

Meg!

This is definitely a low point.

Good shag?

I was good.

Hi, Janet.

Hi, Laura.

Hi, Laura.

Can I have a morning after pill, some scabies cream,

and three?

Anything else?

Yeah, I think I might need some of that cream too.

Yep, you do.

You'll have to inform any recent sexual partners.

Well, if he's given me his number.

How about you, love?

No, I'm fine now.

I went to a wonderful wake last night.

I'm sorry, love.

What a beautiful night that was.

Feeling better?

Yeah.

As sad as it was, I really think going to a wake

put things into perspective for me.

Yeah, makes you realize how fragile it all is.

You only get one go around.

No.

I mean, because it made me realize how talented I am

and what a gift I have for entertaining.

I was the belle of the wake.

You were the bell end of the wake.

Oh.

Are we doing the walk of shame?

The stride of pride, Meg the stride of pride.