Original subtitles

Get to the edge.

Get to the edge.

Absolutely, again.

Right, just step off, love.

Just do it.

Oh, God no.

I don't think I can.

Go, Meg.

You've done really well, mate.

I think I've pooed my harness.

I had an epitome.

Epiphany or epitome?

Well, they're two separate words.

OK, so I had a moment on the plane,

because I realized that I don't really know what I'm doing

with like, the rest of my life. Do you know what I mean?

Hardly ever, but yes.

Then I remembered what that visionary

said to me on the beach before he sold me my crystal.

Didn't he ask you for a handy?

Well, yeah, but he also said, ask the universe for what

you want, and it'll happen.

Do you want this?

Yes.

You see, it's weird.

Is that to carry your necklace?

Are you there yet, Gary?

Gary, are you there yet?

Time's up.

What, I haven't finished.

Well, I have, and I need to go.

What about me?

Sort yourself out.

Gary, what are you looking at?

Porn.

Do you know how insulting this is?

I do all the same stuff that they do.

Oh, come on Laura, you're not as dirty as the internet.

OK, so I've asked the universe to bring me to my calling.

What, Leeds?

Showbiz, Meg.

What do you want?

I want to know what my ex-boyfriend

is standing out there.

Oh, um, Jesus, it's Mark.

Why would your mental ex-boyfriend be out there?

Because he's mental.

Wonder if he still wears your underwear.

I'm way too jet-lagged to deal with this.

Help me.

I can ask the universe, but it's not always instant.

A sane suggestion would be great.

OK.

What are we going to do?

That's the question.

Right, we're going to do what all rational, adult women

would do in this situation.

What's that?

Hide.

Look, look, Laura, look, look, Laura.

Hi.

Get down.

It

All right.

Hey, mate.

Why are we hiding?

Have you nicked summat?

No.

Mental Mark's over there.

I thought you broke up.

We did.

I'm very single now.

Well you couldn't remember it out there.

Oh, what, because I wasn't getting

fingered by every single tour guide in southern India?

I've missed this.

Do you want me to deck him?

No, we're just going to leave the airport

hiding behind this trolley.

Very well, then.

OK.

Coast clear.

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for picking us up anyway, mate.

We bought you this in India.

Guys, I fucking love it.

So where have you parked?

What?

I got the bus.

You're right, he shouldn't be looking at porn.

It's degrading to women.

I'm not arsed about that.

I just don't get why he needs it.

He's got this.

But you can't compete with the internet, Laura,

these women are professionals.

So am I.

Professional means you get paid.

All right, well anyways, I'm going to show him.

I've got a sexting mission underway.

How do you spell tongue?

I can't wait go straight to bed.

Don't be a boner, mate.

We're going out.

Well, I'm not drinking.

I've still got two Valium in my system.

So you have been to sleep.

No, Meg is the only person in living

history to have taken Valium and then had a panic attack.

I'll say it again, how can you be

sure it was Valium when you bought

them from a rickshaw driver?

Oh, Gary's stepped it up a gear.

How do you spell fisting?

I've got a really good feeling about this summer.

Well, this is wonderful.

I am thrilled.

Oh, thanks mum, it's good to be back.

And I would like to propose a toast.

To our clever son, James.

Or should I say, James Kesick, Executive Account Manager

and proud owner of an Audi.

What?

Aren't you going to uni?

I don't need a degree.

I've been headhunted.

So cheers to PPI, and to mom and dad for supporting me.

Congratulations, son.

Well, I would like to propose a toast.

To me and Bunny, for going the whole way around some of India

without getting killed.

We had to go to the embassy once when Bunny lost her passport,

and it was actually fine, 'cause it was in my bum bag.

Cheers.

Well done, guys.

There he is.

Give Mark a hand with that please, James.

Who?

Oh great, now we're all here.

Meggles.

I came to the airport.

Did you?

What are you doing here?

Well, I work for your dad now.

I tell you what, that lad really knows his stone.

And I wanted to see you.

Do you wanna come upstairs?

Yes, please.

I think we should talk.

We'll just be in my room.

Oooh.

Why is my room a walk-in wardrobe?

Didn't you know?

No, what the fu... where am I supposed to sleep?

It looks so different.

It's crazy to think this is the room

where I took your virginity.

Yeah, not as crazy as saying that in this situation, Mark.

Oh, you silly, pretty thing.

Come here, I've missed you.

Yeah look, I'm really sorry about everything.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Look, I know you want your space and I respect that.

But there's something I wanted to...

Yeah, but I didn't. Sorry.

You go.

No, sorry, you go first.

OK, well.

Here goes.

Oh God, please don't be a poem.

No, I want...

Us to still be friends, yeah.

No, no, I want...

Closure, I know.

No.

I really don't think we should be having breakup sex, Mark.

I want you to move in with me.

What?

I've rented us a flat in Headingley,

in case you're wondering where all your stuff is.

I love you.

Oh my god.

I suddenly feel very jet-lagged, Mark.

I'm just going to lie down on these bags.

He's not my boyfriend.

He's a deluded, emotionally unstable psychopath.

I don't want to be near him, let alone living with him.

She's very tired.

Well, I changed our relationship status

on Facebook.

If that isn't breaking up with him, I don't known what is.

He tried to cut all my hair...

Girls are looking pretty in their summer

frocks, well, skimpy shorts and bikini...

Think I'll go back to the new pad.

Tell her I'll see her there.

OK, bye Mark.

See you, Mark.

- Laters. - What am I going to do?

Well, you're a grown up now, Meg.

Move out.

I haven't got any money, have I?

Well, you could get a job like your little brother.

I don't want to go back to handing out flyers.

I've got a degree now, and technically I've still got

six months of me year out left.

Yeah.

How many more of these years out do you think you'll need, Meg?

Haven't you had your fun now?

India was a cultural, educational experience, Dad.

It wasn't just about mucking around, having fun.

Yeah, I've seen the bungee jumping video.

I think you need to make a plan.

I had a plan.

Live here until I got a cool, artsy media-y job.

I can't live in a wardrobe, can I?

Yes, and we can't afford to support you here anymore.

Well, why didn't you just sell one of these bags?

That's a month's rent.

Is it?

She's joking.

She can sleep on the sofa.

Oh, thanks.

Fine, but she's paying rent.

What?

You're 24, Meg.

It's time you started acting like it.

Well, whatevs. I so totally am acting like it.

Hi, roomie.

I thought you'd gone, Mark.

I waited for you.

You really did, didn't you?

Shall we go back to our flat, Meg?

Absolutely not.

We're going pub.

Are we?

Not you.

Look, I really just need some space, Mark.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

Do you want a lift?

Yes.

Put your foot down, Mark.

I want to get there before next summer.

Sorry, but I'm transporting something fragile and precious.

What?

Marble.

No, Meg.

Right, we're getting out here.

Wake up, Meg.

I don't wear to wear lost property, Sir.

Maybe she should just come back to our place now.

Meg.

Oh God, please tell me this is a dream.

Sort of more of a nightmare, love.

Shall I park the van and meet you in there?

Just go home, Mark.

Nobody wants you here. Thanks for the lift.

Well, he's persistent, I'll give him that.

I can't get rid of him.

He's like thrush.

Yeah, well he definitely needs clinical treatment.

You need to eradicate.

Do you want me to put a word in with the universe?

Fuck the universe.

What's the matter, Meg?

Are you upset because you're homeless?

Yes.

And because your mental ex-boyfriend

wants you to move in with him?

Yes.

And because your unemployed?

Hadn't actually thought about that,

but yes, also a huge problem.

Thanks very much guys.

Great chat.

I'll get our shots in.

Done it. Done it all.

I'm out of ideas to be honest. - Oh, I know.

Bukake.

Can't you just sent him a picture of your boob?

He's already got the whole range, inside out.

I just hate the idea of not being dirty enough for him.

Darling you don't you have anything to worry about,

you're absolutely filthy.

Am I?

Hey, seriously, you're a total dirtbag.

You are.

Stop it.

You'll give me a big head.

Oh, hello.

Mind if I watch?

Malcolm.

Thanks for coming to my party, girls.

Oh yeah, that's why we're here.

Do I get a birthday kiss?

No.

This is my cousin, Bunny.

Ah, Malcolm.

Remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Right, are you saying you're going to rape her?

No, just chatting her up.

Well, you can see we're all very aroused.

Bunny, this is my boss, Malcolm.

Uh, former boss.

Got too big for it, didn't you, Mrs. Qualifications.

Yeah actually, about that.

I thought you said you had meningitis, Laura?

Feel better now.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Good, because you were promoting the all-new

best-selling tranket.

It's a travel slanket.

That is far too many made-up words in one sentence.

What's made-up about tranket?

It's travel plus slanket, what's made-up about that?

Uh, the slanket bit?

Well that's just blanket plus sleeve.

I thought you had a degree?

Fat load of good that's doing you.

Yeah, I meant to ask, actually, Mark...

Well, I've reserved us a the table.

Come join the party.

You've met my mum, haven't you?

Right.

Gary is gagging for it.

Get the drinks in.

It's your round.

Right.

Can I borrow some cash?

Why don't you just ask the universe to get some drinks.

Fine, I will, actually.

- Hello? - Gary?

What are you doing?

What's that noise?

Uh, It's One Born Every Minute.

Gary, I know what you're doing,

and you better start fucking behaving

yourself, because I am capable of messing you right up.

You'll be begging for my forgiveness, you piece of dirt.

Oh yes, Laura.

I love it when you got angry.

Do you?

This turning you on?

Malcolm.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

So I was wondering if I could have my old job back?

I thought you said this work was demoralizing,

underpaid, and humiliating.

It is, and I would like to do it full-time, if possible.

You said you wouldn't do it even if you were desperate,

and that you'd rather starve.

That doesn't sound like me.

Well, then take it back.

Oh, come on.

Take it back or I can't take you back.

OK, I'm sorry I said it was demoralizing.

It's not.

It's...

It's important.

We're fueling the economy.

Well... OK, we're fueling the economy.

It's important, valuable work, and I

would be lucky to work for you.

What do you think?

Right, well, I think that it is actually not my decision,

it's the area manager's.

So you're going to have to ask him.

Fortunately for us all, he is here somewhere.

Right, what are you wearing?

Do what I say, I'm in charge, you dirty knobhead.

Slide your trackies off.

One Panty Dropper.

Thank you, universe.

I've just been bought a drink and offered a job as a model.

Who here has offered you a modeling job?

That guy.

God, I told you I had a good feeling about this summer.

He's Nice.

See, I am mystical as fuck, Meg.

All my dreams are coming true.

I've traveled the world, got a job in showbiz,

soon I really will be mixed race.

I love me.

Meg, may I introduce you to our new area

manager, Josh Steel.

Yes, you may.

Hello.

Malcolm this is Bunny, she'll be joining

you on the new tranket promo.

What?

What?

No. I'm a model.

You said modeling. - Yeah, modeling the tranket.

Think of yourself as a sort of human mannequin.

Welcome to our world.

Human mannequin.

Showbiz.

Drinks?

Yes, please, I do.

Don't forget, you need to go and eradicate Mark.

Sorry, what's that?

I couldn't hear anything over how fit he is.

My turn to flirt my way into a job offer, thanks.

Don't mind if I do.

Laters.

We're going to do now, in this toilet,

like animals, because all you're worth to me.

Put your hand on your pants.

Feels good, doesn't it, you mong.

I'll call you what I like, because I'm getting nasty.

Don't you speak no more, I'll do the talking.

I'm absolutely sick of your winging, annoying voice.

You speak really slowly, like that.

And you stink.

You need a new deodorant, it don't work.

And you've got bad taste, and you've got bad breath.

You've got no muscles.

And I hate that mole on your neck,

and your ball hair's too long.

And you've got shit taste in clothes,

and shit taste in music.

And you're going bald at the back.

And you're lazy.

What do you mean, it's not sexy anymore.

No, I'm hanging up.

Laura 1, internet 0.

Another.

Please.

I'm quite drunk now.

Bit jet-lagged I think, actually.

Promo's so much fun, I really love it.

Well, the tranket has just been such a gift.

I mean, it's such a great product,

and we have really increased the sales figures.

I mean JTL Promotions are very impressed.

And of course, Malcolm's a great team leader.

Is this a joke?

I bet you just get away with saying

anything 'cause you're so fit.

I think what the customer really

enjoys is a fully integrated, experiential

marketing strategy.

I mean, we really get people talking about the brand,

because the whole promotion is an experience.

Not to mention the social media campaign that we've alr...

Meg?

Meg?

Meg?

I'll take it from here.

Who are you?

I'm her boyfriend.

Ooh, come on, Meggles.

Let's get you home.

Shall I give you a hand?

Fit.

Sorry.

Oopsie.

What the hell are you doing, Mark?

Where's Meg?

Oh, she fell asleep, and then her boyfriend

came to pick her up.

Oh my God, he's kidnapped her, the freak.

Go.

Are you breaking up with me?

How can I break up with you, Mark?

We're not even together.

I thought you were just playing hard to get?

That's how you interpret zero written or verbal contact

for six months?

So this relationship's just a one-way-street, is it?

It's fucking cul-de-sac, Mark?

But all your stuff's here now.

I had it all dry cleaned.

- Where's the rest? - Upstairs.

Upstairs?

I honestly wouldn't put it past him

to do something really sick.

Oh my God, this is all my fault.

I asked the universe to end it between them, but not

like this.

Poor Meg.

Oh, it's bigger than you'd expect, isn't it?

It's quite nice up here.

Yeah.

Well, it was going to be our guest room.

Well, you could get a housemate.

Could do.

Saw a juicer downstairs.

Yeah.

So, where are you going to live?

Don't know.

Do you want to get back together?

No.-

- Do you want to live here? - Yes, please.

But it's still over, Mark.

Shall I make you a summer fruit smoothie?

Yes, please.

It's way too quiet in there.

What if he's killed her?

Uh, Mark.

Mark.

I don't like the sound of that.

I just want you back for good.

Want you back, want you back.

Mark?

Mark.

Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song, and I'll sing it.

Give me that.

Well, will the universe help us?

In a way.

Want you back, I want you back for good.

Unaware but underlined.

Drop the knife or I'll break your face.

I haven't done anything.

Where is she?

In the loft.

Oh, you sick bastard.

She likes it up there.

Help!

Help me, I can't get out.

Well, I didn't think she was locked in up...

Jesus Christ.

Laura, what about my karma?

Just keep him down.

OK, I'm going to have to sit on you, Mark, OK?

Meg, it's Laura, are you all right?

Laura hi, yeah, everything's fine.

Hi, Meg.

Yeah, hello.

Can you just let me out, please?

Right, how?

I don't know, ask Mark.

I can't, we're not really talking.

Why not?

I sort of twatted him over the head with a rock, like.

It's a crystal.

Oh, bloody hell, Laura.

Mark, can you let me out, please?

I can't, Bunny's sitting on me.

I'm in quite a lot of pain, but I'm confusing aroused.

Oh!

Hi guys.

Are you OK, Mark?

Meg, tell them.

Everything's fine.

He just put a blanket over me, and I fell asleep.

Like a beautiful budgie.

Have you dumped the freak, then?

I am here.

Don't care.

Yes, we've broken up properly, haven't we, Mark.

Yeah, for now.

Right, well, let's go off, then.

No.

See the thing is, yes, we split up, but...

Actually I've already moved in.

Shut the front door.

Meg, did he, or did he not convince himself

he was in a relationship with you, abduct

you, and trap you in his loft.

Yeah, he did all of those things, but...

Laura, please stop hitting him with a rock.

Crystal.

I know this is.

It's that Denmark Disease.

I think you mean Stockholm Syndrome.

And no, I'm not in love with my captor.

I'm just using him for somewhere to live.

Meg, this is a terrible idea.

It's one of your worst.

He's got a juicer.

How can you afford this?

Aren't you meant to be unemployed?

Girlfriend's don't have to pay rent.

I'll be paying, Mark.

All new Trankets.

Detachable head rest and comfort earplugs drown out

the sound of the wife.

Malcolm, you can't say that.

Sorry, or civil partner.

So, um, all the features of a traditional blanket

plus sleeves, but with a blow-up headrest

and eye mask attachment.

70% polyester, very sensual to the touch.

Did you ask the universe to make

you look like a massive twat?

Am I pulling it off?

It looks like a Jedi's fucked a bush baby.

In a hot way?

I've got a really good feeling about this summer.

Bwark.