Original subtitles

And at no time is it permissible to click your nose or wipe it with your

In case of emergency, gentlemen may use a napkin. And in extreme emergency,

ladies may discreetly use the hem of their skirt.

If the meal was satisfactory, one may express one's gratitude in the form of a

gentle breath.

This, however, must not be too loud.

We must at all times remain ladies and gentlemen.

Bastina!

Bastina!

The messenger, has he arrived yet?

Oh, sir, what are you doing? All right, I'm the king's messenger.

Who? The king's messenger. I brought a message.

What can I do for you?

What's going on here?

He brought a message. I brought a message.

I should think that you might have a little respect, since you're in the

of our Lord King Richard. I have a good mind to report you for this, and with my

favorite servant.

Your servant?

I feel like a... I should have known she was. Oh, I am so embarrassed. I am

sorry, my lord.

Please don't tell his majesty.

Oh, be quiet and give me the message.

With the sudden interruption and all, I've developed a terrible headache. Do

perchance have a potion you could give to me?

A sudden headache and you want a little potion. Is that right?

I've been waiting a year for this message.

And I've got a headache. Now, tell me what the king said.

I'm trying, my lord.

But if you holler like that, I'm liable to forget it altogether.

Our Lord Richard II, let his reign have much glory. Go on.

Our king's message is, I recognize in your character and personal habit that

have all the qualities needed to succeed in this task.

And I'm sending you henceforth to Canterbury that you may see and make

all this you will send to your king that he may know his people better. There's

more. You're forgetting the money. I'm certainly not about to go hungry, you

know. Oh, I forgot.

Yes. There's 15 gold sovereigns. If Majesty wanted to make certain... If you

need more, you won't have to ask.

Finally, my dreams are happening.

I'm so deliriously happy.

I'm going to write my stories at last. My God, they're going to be the talk of

the century.

Suppose I run into scoundrels. I must have some protection.

I should worry about it. But I'm no man of weapons, and those bandits are

dangerous.

His Royal Highness has already told us.

And I've brought to accompany you one of His Majesty's royal guards, Cavalier

Quick. Have a good voyage, my lord.

to shrink yourselves a little.

We've already shrunk as far as we'll go, Tavern Keeper. The rain has seen to

that. I'm afraid we'll have to wait it out here. Then we'll continue on to

Canterbury. Tomorrow, when we go to Canterbury, we'll have to walk on water.

Good trick, eh, my friend? You'll get more than your feet wet. It's become a

lake out there. It's filled with leeches. If man or woman should happen

they'll suck your blood and propagate by the thousands. Not a wise idea, I

should think.

I'm not scared of a little water, so don't try to frighten me with insipid

stories.

I suppose you're planning to swim all the way.

Eddie, come here. Sit with us.

Move over.

Thank you.

I'd advise taking off your armor, sir.

There's no armies here and you must be awfully hot.

I think you should let it dry off some.

Maybe he enjoys sitting there rusting, huh?

Let the body breathe. We'll be fine. Nature will take care of otherwise.

As if riding through a sea, I rode my horse across the grass. It worried me so

that he would sink. Should he get water up his ass?

You should have plugged him up with a cord. I did, I did.

He was probably a man.

I don't like this delay. It's foolish to sit here when I could be working.

The weather has gone mad, but what can one do?

My inn is at your disposition.

Oh, that's very big of you. I suppose our gold is at your disposition, too. If

you think I'm going to pay you full price for this, you're nothing but a

fool. Your money disgusts me.

No offense intended, but you speak with all the inexperience of a virgin.

You even look like one.

And to prove my good intentions and honesty, for everyone that's present,

going to pay.

But there is only one condition. Ah, that's better. It sounds just like you.

Now, hear what I say.

The condition is that each of you give us a story.

And the story you tell will pay for the night.

But I do pray of you to be careful and try to keep the stories amusing.

Now, let's see how our suspicious little virgin here will do.

Do you have any silly fables you would like us to hear, my love?

Well said, sir. Well said.

Although I doubt it whether this gentle lady's mind could recall even the

slightest pain of her lost virginity. The memory, due to age, you know, has

certain limitations.

Now, go ahead.

Go ahead.

But first, after tolerating all these things, I thought you'd have to write a

little poem for me.

To my air virtue.

Now tell me all, blessed and non -blessed.

The genital organs with which we are endowed, some think it is only a place

where the urine comes cascading out.

Well, now, you must stop and think about it, you know, because there is

something else that will go. Those things that function for this or for

loan so much pleasure to my kids and my cats.

The pleasure that they bring is a simple delight. The pleasure that they bring

is something I like.

You've made enough of a spectacle, you foolish old milk cow.

We want to hear some real stories. That's no way to speak to a milk cow.

With a... with a lady.

Don't you have any education?

No. I was waiting for an ox like yourself to teach me.

The miller is surely right.

This woman has offended us with her poetry.

There is a story that comes to mind. It happened years ago in Normandy, once

called America.

There lived a noble knight called Avericus and his young bride, Doricus.

Come now, Cavalier, quick. Don't be so pensive. We shall let ourselves be

kidnapped, taken back in history. Stay close beside me and we'll slip into the

story ourselves.

It's very late. Now I must go.

Britain is such a great distance.

I've heard there are nothing but savages there.

Stay here, my lord.

It is my duty.

Duty is more important.

This battle I must fight.

But to stay away from you is worse than death.

Oh, my dearest.

But your promise, will you keep it?

My word will always be sacred.

I will remain true to you to my last dying breath.

Minstrel, let your lute sing out.

Oh, free me, my lord.

The soul bound within my breast yearns to fly away.

With a single blow, I would break those chains.

And with wings of doves, your soul would fly with me to the war.

Don't make me suffer any longer.

What the devil is this?

A chastity belt, my lord. I thought it a good idea.

You are going to get the key before you leave, if you must know.

But let's make love now.

Why did you do that?

I never expected such a thing from you.

I have complete faith in you.

We'll rid you of that damnable thing this minute.

Thank you, my lord.

Here is the key.

It's one of the newest models. It holds up the derriere and at the same time

flattens the tummy.

Are you sure this is the right key I've got?

Oh, I've got so many keys.

To the strong box for the jewel box. How stupid of me. I've got the wrong bunch.

Oh, such a stupid mistake. I thought it was the key to the cellar.

Here, my love.

Thank you.

Sweet Oregon, remember.

Take care of our palace.

And pray that I return home to you soon.

Be happy and joyful in my absence.

And the days, it will fly like magic.

I will be happy, my lord.

Anna Shalott is here.

Do you wish to see her? Mm -hmm.

Yes.

You may go in now.

Is it true, you silly child, that you haven't touched your food in three days?

My dear, this is a ridiculous thing you're doing.

Now, I've had many experiences, and crying doesn't serve to help at all.

If you keep crying and carrying on like this, you're going to dry up like an old

prune. Your face will dry up. Then you should begin stinking.

Oh, now stop it, you hear?

I'll be by sometime later in the day and we'll go for a walk. The beach, it

should be nice.

And no excuses.

Perhaps, my dear, what you need is a man to cheer you.

Oh, forget I said that. I don't know what makes me think these things. But

you're so lucky you don't have to wear that chastity belt around.

Stop that kind of talk.

I wouldn't think of betraying my gallant husband's trust.

Well, at least you can go swimming, can't you?

And you?

My husband is much more jealous than yours.

I'm all wrapped up like a present.

I'll take my clothing off, but I can't swim.

I can't get sea water on it. But you go on.

If you just mind, let the locker dress shut.

He's that jealous, your husband?

Mm -hmm. I must say, I suppose I'm fortunate he didn't put a chastity belt

mouth.

Now stop that or I'll not allow you to come the next time.

What an impertinent stare he had.

I felt so strange.

The way he kept on looking at me. What penetrating eyes.

Tomorrow we'll go to Rocky Point and sit all afternoon watching the ships pass.

Oh, I'm sure I couldn't stand it.

I'm afraid to go anywhere near those rocks.

Do you know how many ships have crashed on those rocks and how many men have

died? Stop worrying now. We won't go if you don't want to.

I guess I'm thinking of my old arrogance.

He still must sail past those rocks.

Oh, dear Lord, you who protect all heroes, look over my darling husband.

This I pray you. So many husbands have already died upon these rocks. Take

souls and push them over into hell's inferno. Only keep my darling husband

and sound.

This seems an opportune moment to enter the story.

I am curious to observe the characters from a closer vantage point. So am I,

dear fellow, so am I. It looks as if we're to be the only men.

Not to worry, Cavalier. A better opportunity to observe the female at

There's someone staring at you with the most violent, passionate eyes.

If I disturb you, beautiful lady, only say the word and I'll disappear.

You don't disturb me, sir.

But at the moment I'm not very good company.

I desire only to be left alone with my thoughts.

I wish to steal away your heart, dear lady, as you have stolen mine.

To observe your body nude would be the most beautiful gift I could ever hope to

have. You dare speak like that.

Having surprised me in a difficult time doesn't give you any right. I'd prefer

to die rather than to lose my lady's respect.

Having seen you on the beach was the most wonderful experience.

How happy you made me feel, milady.

Now I swear that from this moment forth, all my heart and my sword are at your

service. You are thanked for offering your all.

Only there is another man, a man who has a greater right to my services.

You see, I'm married.

And I'm attached to him like the clouds in the sky. Then if you are the clouds

flowing gently through the air, I am the sky.

Stop your dreaming, then. You can't help yourself any more than me. Is that so

terrible?

What is your name, then?

Aurelius, milady.

Ah, my Aurelius.

I tell you this.

If you are able to get rid of those rocks along the coast, you will have my

I'll make you the happiest man in the world.

But you give me an impossible task.

No more impossible than what you are asking of me.

Won't you go away now? I'm getting tired.

You will think on my promise.

Make the rock disappear and I'll be yours.

Magician! Are you here?

I'm Aurelius. I know why you've come here.

I know everything, dear. But those rocks are too great a task.

And this young lady has drunk of your flask.

She has virtue and a magnificent body.

But it boils down to the same thing, you little clown.

I know how your mind turns around.

It's a poor little lad that needs to be banged and find a place to stick his

twang. Ah, big hello.

That's all that you may quarrel. To you, that lady of sorrow, that much I do

know.

My advice to you is to leave alone this young screw.

But important, I know this is to your tune.

A little gold and I'll help see you through.

Here is all the money I've got. A pittance, probably.

But it's all in gold.

Here.

I have 980 coins here.

Three in iron.

This is a far cry from the price I usually get.

However, just this once for you.

Rocks, I command you, disappear!

But before you go, there's one thing you should know. It's magic that's been

done. Who cares what happens afterwards?

By then I'll have known such incredible pleasure.

I shall give you these golden words as clear as the honey and I'll stand the

money.

Should you find your thoughts again thinking horny and need copulation, you

should try instead, my man, a little...

Excuse us, Lady Charlotta.

I can't believe it, my darling.

I didn't expect you back so soon.

Oh, dear Lord.

It's so strange.

I was dreaming then horrible things.

That you had drowned. Your ship was broken on those rocks.

The rocks are the reason I've returned.

They serve to protect our coast.

Stop and think.

If it hadn't been for those rocks, we'd not have had the strength to halt the

invader.

There must be someone using magic.

It just disappeared.

Disappeared? Disappeared. They vanished right into thin air.

I'm to stay here.

By order of the king, I'm to defend the coast.

What is it?

Aren't you glad to see me?

You'll feel better, I'm sure, in the fresh air.

Aravergas, haven't I always been a good woman?

And I've always loved and respected you.

Yes, of course.

What's troubling you all of a sudden?

When you departed for Britain, I was terribly unhappy.

Then I realized I was behaving like a child. How ridiculous I was.

So I tried to pull myself together and amuse myself.

Oh, honor, of course.

I went to a garden party at Lady Charlotte's.

There was a young cavalier.

He declared his love for me.

Is that all?

No, my lord. I haven't finished.

After you had gone, I could not free myself from the thought of your body

crushed upon those horrible rocks.

I stupidly swore to the cavalier.

That if he could have the rocks disappear, I would love him as I've

other. I was sure it was an impossible task.

Something no one could possibly accomplish.

I was only thinking of you when I did it.

I was thinking of you.

Only of you.

And where is this cavalier?

According to the agreement.

I would wait for him in the garden of Lady Charlotta.

But I won't go.

I'd rather die than be unfaithful to you.

I fear that you cannot now go back on your word.

But you gave your word and it must stand.

Even though I would rather die than have you go with another man, you must go

with him.

With honor.

Breaks you become a someone dead the Cavalier must have you to save our honor

woman Can't you see you must go to him

it's not only your word that will stand broken But the honor of the entire house

will be smeared I'm sure I can stand living with this anguish, but you must

the honor in this house

Oh, what can I do?

Ah, I'll lead him to the forest of the three sisters.

There I'll save your honor.

And mine as well.

You've seen noble ex -workers, noble stars, noble

wood -grape muscles.

A man in the forest.

You saw me and you just came in your pants, didn't you?

He looks awfully horny.

Oh,

there we go.

Come on, you.

Dear fellow, you're making an error.

You can't just have this side of me.

Free me. At once, you hear? I won't stand for this. Well, you're standing

No. No, please leave me alone.

You can't. You can't do this.

Oh, no.

Your body. The woods are so damp.

But don't take your clothes off, for God's sake.

You'll get rheumatism.

All I need is your body to warm me.

There. Put your arms around here.

There.

Yes, I promise.

But, my God, I'm dead.

I can't get it up.

I am slipping away.

Hurry now.

The time is passing.

The time is my misfortune.

I who wanted to make love to you and to feel your body next, I don't know how

I'm going to get through all this.

I've already shot the whole thing and more.

I no longer hold you to your promise. I free you.

Thank you, Dorigan.

I just don't want any more.

Dorigan!

Dorigan!

I think

I'm going.

the story about a well -meaning hawk. Too bad about him. He spent the rest of

his time running around the woods, screaming.

Well, as the saying goes, there's people who for want of love,

these people will move mountains and seas and saints.

They must keep themselves abreast of things.

And then there is another kind of person who overlooks everything.

For what? For honor? For justice?

For pride?

And in the meantime, his wife is being cuckolded while he sits home eating his

heart out.

And then, friends, there's one more. I call him the profiteer.

This wily man, he profits by the honor of others.

Leave your wife for a minute and he'll shove it up your ass.

How poetic.

you are. I'd like to remind you that spiritual love is what counts. It's the

most valuable. I prefer the love of the body. The body makes you feel good from

all angles and positions.

I must remind you of one thing. Love is only platonic.

The celebration then is only with the eyes. I feel that is the truth.

I happen to know that a celebration is a beautiful thing, but the entertainment

is celebrated afterwards with a cock...

I think it's a hell of a lot more disgusting to see a lady allowing her

to lick her dish.

I recall a very lovely widow woman I once met. So young, so sensual.

It was man's best friend she loved.

Excuse me there for interrupting, but why are you kicking against the wall? It

hasn't done anything.

Can't you see I'm in love?

This damn wall has encircled the woman I love more than anything.

And there I thought you were just mad. Let me offer you the services of a poor

minstrel. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll fix you up all right.

Slip me a couple of coins, and I'll sing her a Neapolitan love song guaranteed

to drive her out of her mind.

You shall have everything you need. If for only one second I can feast these

poor eyes on that enchanting woman.

that would wake a man at this ungodly hour.

Come in, you bloody swine. And why the

hell are you so late?

Talk, idiot.

But, Master, we couldn't get you up and around before this. You're a moron.

Excuses.

Excuses.

Excuses.

Where's Federico?

In God's name, what have I done? Must I deserve such an idiot son?

It's for him I'm working.

And Federico, he does nothing but let me down.

You go and find him.

I try, Mama.

Last month he cost me twice as much as I spent on the store. And if you could

only see these stupid clothes he wants to wear. Sometimes I think he's turning

into a little fairy.

Federico?

Federico, what's the matter?

Master!

It's Federico. Something's the matter.

When you touch him... What's that, you say?

What's wrong with him?

I don't understand. What's wrong with him?

He's lying on the table, and he's looking straight up at the ceiling. And

went in, his thing went like this.

No.

Get him a doctor.

What is it?

May I help you? Are you a doctor?

And pleased to serve you. Oh, what good fortune you're here.

It's my Federico. He's got a terrible swelling between his legs.

I shouldn't fear.

It's swelling up right here. And I'm scared to touch it. It looks so hard. I

wouldn't worry about it. If it's what I suspect it to be, it's simply just a

predicament which always seems to strike the young.

Nothing grave.

You'll see, it all will disappear with age. Is it possible to observe the young

man?

It took me many years to save this money.

It's enough to buy a woman's love in any case.

Here, you take it.

Use it if you can get well, my son.

I wish you luck.

And look to God.

Yes.

Sandro!

Get over here.

Take care of Federico.

You watch over him as if he were your own brother, because if anything at all

happens to him, I'll smash your head like this!

Ah, finally!

Well, what did she say?

It's no use, sire.

All your gifts were well received and very much admired.

But the lady refuses to see you.

Idiot! What are you laughing at? If you could see the ass on her maid, you'd

laugh too. And laughing seems to release the tension.

She's built like a brick shed.

Well, she informed me that her mistress has been a widow now for three years.

And she must wait another, let's see, two years before she may speak to a man.

She must be horny enough to honk. No, I can't wait any longer. The damn thing is

getting bigger than I am. There must be something we can do. Well, she seems to

like to honk.

I see. This could be a damn good idea.

Hurry, Sandro! I'm here.

My passion for you is so great, I can't stand it. I was in such a hurry, I'm

afraid I grabbed the first ones I saw.

I pray you, be kind to me and please do free these poor dogs.

I like dogs.

Only these have such a stink.

I suppose they're all flea -bedding, surely.

Don't you think you're being a bit bold in your declarations to me, sir? I'm

sorry.

There's nothing I wouldn't do to have you love me, my lady.

I'm sure I believe you.

I was so alone these last years, and I wanted someone I could speak to.

I beg you, stand, for I would speak in private.

Anna, get rid of those dogs. Yes, my lady.

Forget the dogs and move nearer to me.

Come closer.

Don't be nervous. I have a secret I wish to confide, and I do hope you won't be

disturbed by it.

Don't mind me.

I'll keep your secret.

The secret I can't keep just doesn't exist.

So go ahead.

You're so respectful of a woman.

I'm glad.

I hope you don't forget any of it.

I'm abnormal, sire.

About dogs.

I need dogs.

It's morbid, I know.

Men are so boring, sire. Is there no one to provide what most I have need of? My

poor Igor.

Before he died, he would go at it every night, and on Sundays he'd ask for more.

My... Christ, I'm in need.

You can see why I prefer dogs, my lord.

Simply for my honor. With a man, they would have been the most horrid scandal.

If you wish me to be yours, you must make me a promise first.

Anything. Anything you want.

Just this one time, I want you to bring forth...

My big sheepdog and the others who were here throughout my solitude.

And one more thing.

You moron. They better be clean.

Oh, they'll be clean all right.

That's a good boy.

From then on, it'll be your turn.

From then on, no more dogs?

Go now. And bring them right away.

Small dogs. Big dogs.

Buffalo. Oh, I should love that.

Then I'll be at your service.

First the dogs.

Hurry, Sandra. We've got work to do.

No. I was almost there. I said you were just going to tell me your name. Tell

me, son. These dogs, do you want something special?

Something weird?

No. It's not important.

Just so they know how to, you know.

Young man, all dogs know how to do that. Oh, yes. It's their principal activity.

You seem to know dogs.

Tell me, is a man as durable as a dog in contenting a lady?

I mean, how should I put it?

With his tongue?

Not always, but a friend of mine cut the cord that held his tongue.

But unfortunately, he lost it someplace and couldn't find it.

That's a good trick.

Now what happens?

When the she's are in heat, they give an odor.

When the others smell that, they come a -running.

The old fart knew his stuff all right. Those bitches really have their tongues

hanging out.

Hurry up. She still hasn't found the one she wants to start with.

I need another one.

How about that one?

He's dry.

I hope she likes this one.

Now, what the hell is this you've brought?

It's a watchdog. I don't need him to watch. My God, he's a brute in that

I've a mind to send you away. Bring me a young one, handsome and strong. I

couldn't possibly make it with an old one like that.

The whole thing is useless.

How many of them did she want?

Either they're too big, or too little, or a little bit too aggressive, or a bit

docile. I don't know what there is left.

I think I have an idea.

Try offering all the dogs at once to my lady. I have a marvelous idea.

For a grand finale, for one last unforgettable moment, you'll have all

dogs at once.

All you say? Yeah. Oh, marvelous.

Oh, Federico, you are fantastic.

Carla, prepare my room for me immediately.

Yes, milady.

Oh, darling, it's so thrilling. I want to tell you something really special.

Sandro, go get the doggies.

Jam,

huh?

Lots of jam.

Oh, that'll be nice.

How very beautiful of you.

They'll just love it, I know. A proper reward.

You're much too kind.

Soon I'll be all yours.

Don't go away.

There's something in me that rebels against following the dogs.

Console yourself, my darling.

They're man's best friend.

You try some.

Here's the jam, milady.

Good.

Let the little buggers in.

Bring in the dogs.

Everything all right in there?

Patience, my darling.

I'll be yours soon.

And don't take me through the keyhole.

Come on, get in. Over here. Move.

Over here.

Get in there. In there, boy.

In there, boy.

What did you say her name was again?

What about those ladies who think only of dogs?

Wouldn't you say so, sister?

That was a disgusting story.

It's a good thing that my wife's gone to bed.

Boy? Not very dependable, that waiter.

Where do you think he could have gone?

I don't know.

He's left all right.

A very good lad, though.

Maybe a good kick in the ass is all he needs.

The hell with his ass!

I'll twist his balls off.

I've got the impression that balls should be tickled, not twisted. Not a

loving fellow, is he?

If every adulterer had his balls twisted a little, the world would be a better

place.

I want you to know nothing perverted has ever happened here. This is a

respectable inn.

He was probably tired and went upstairs to rest.

Oh, he's upstairs all right, but he's not resting.

I think his balls...

out your clothes on.

I ate something that wasn't good and I have the run.

So?

What's that smell?

You shit in the room. No. Oh, yes, you did. Just because you have big tits

doesn't mean you're a cow. How many times do I have to tell you to throw it

when you're finished?

Go to sleep.

And remember, the next time you have to go, be sure and throw it out.

I'm going to freeze to death.

Don't worry.

I'll warm you.

It's so cold.

It's just your imagination.

It's your shit.

I

think

it's time we all went to bed.

I beg your kindness.

Do not think yet of going to bed.

The atmosphere is just right for a story I have to tell. Don't chill coming on.

It comes fast and cold when the odor of death is in the air.

Don't you feel the evil lurking in the night?

Strange spirits moving in the darkness.

Don't listen to him. He's just trying to scare us.

The story I'm about to tell begins on a night like this.

Well, don't stop. Go on. I don't like stories that begin at night. They scare

me. Very well.

You started during the day, then.

All right. All right. That's better.

Three youths.

Two boys and a girl.

Excuse the intrusion, brother, but would you mind putting us up for the night?

That is, if it doesn't inconvenience you.

And she too will stay with us? Yes.

Now will you show us to our rooms?

You know that statue?

Yes, John. He made the halo for St. Simon. Ah, come right this way.

I wonder how deep this well is. It's easy enough to find out. You let a stone

drop and start counting.

Put your hands to yourself.

Relax. What do you care anyway?

It's neither the time nor the place.

I thought I found just the place.

Don't forget to count.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five. Six.

Seven. How deep is it?

Oh.

I hope you'll be comfortable.

Listen. I'm listening.

Your friend, the way he was touching your... Counting on his fingers to the

depth of the well. But Aldo, he's your fiancé.

To tell the truth, I'm involved with both of them. Gio has terrible luck with

women, so I... I see. So willingly you share your fortunes, your blessings

abundant as they are.

What do you expect me to do with him?

Certainly, certainly. You're absolutely right.

You're very saintly. I too...

Been without luck all my life. Good fortune always seems to pass without

touching. Pass without touching.

Pass without touching.

But why are you traveling on?

For some reason, the lady doesn't like it here.

We're returning to San Simone through the valley. Not through the valley.

The young lady would surely be better off here. In the valleys where death

lurks, he'll take you to hell.

Sorry, the lady is coming with us. No, it's better to leave her here with me.

I'll watch over her. You take her to the valley and she'll never live through

it. We're not afraid.

If Death wants to play the reaper, he'll pay the price.

The price is nothing to Death, my children. I warn you, stay alert, for

capable of seeing in the dark. Only the other night he killed two young lovers

and dragged their souls away in chains, damning them forever in hell.

And the Valley Guards, what are they doing?

They should try to catch this murderer.

We'll go ourselves and see to it. What are you saying? You're out of your head.

You can't look at him. If you do, he'll frighten you to death.

We're not cowards like you.

We'll search out this murdering rascal.

We'll catch him.

And brandish on a pike throughout this land.

His ugly head, his rotten heart, and his horny, grisly cock.

But I think you should carry his horny, old, prickly head, and I'll carry a cock

-o.

Come out, Death.

I want to cut out your heart.

We made a pact, Carlotta. I get the heart.

Devil, it's your head I want!

Mine! Mine, you hear?

Mine!

Well, ask the old infected one if he knows where death is.

We'd better not get too close to him, though.

He never can tell.

Don't fornicate, Death.

I'll piss in your mouth. I'll shit your ovule. I'll shove my crotch up your ass.

You mean turtle fritters? What are you looking at? All your mothers were

infected. And all your fathers to get you screwed cattle.

Quiet, you stinking old whore, son. We don't scare that easily, you fetter

of shit.

Be foul, can't who you are.

Be careful, old man, or I'll kill you. I heard you talking about death.

You sick and old disease. I think you're one of his spies.

Tell me, where is death?

You infected old sword, talk.

Talk. Talk or I'll cut out your asshole.

Then I'll leave you tied and let the birds feed on you. Now talk, you decayed

shit.

You're speaking unkindly to a sick old poor invalid, sir.

That isn't nice at all.

But if you insist on searching out death, my child, then turn around and go

along that trail.

Turn right at the far end. You follow that trail, then, till you get into the

bush.

Death shall be there in the forest lurking, and he has the power to conquer

You'll fly in hell this night, and that's that.

And may misfortune fall on you, young impudent bastards, children of

pigs.

Throw your sword, death lurks here.

Let's not keep him waiting.

I'll go around this way and get him from the side.

Carla, you come with me. No, I'm not afraid.

If you fail, I'll be waiting this way for him.

There's no one here.

You hear?

I'm not scared.

You're just trying to frighten me, huh?

If you're being that way, I'm staying right here until this is finished.

We scared you.

All right, you scared me.

The old man was joking because death is nowhere in sight.

Yes, but there's something in this forest much more important. More

What's that?

Smell it, Carlotta. Our boy stepped into some horse shit. Yeah, you're wrong

about that.

What I stepped in was gold. Gold? He's crazy.

What are you saying?

I think we scared the wits out of you.

Maybe. But have a look at this.

Those are gold pieces.

Real gold!

Thousands! My friends, this will give us all the things we've ever dreamt about

having. Gold!

As I walked, I stumbled, and there it was.

Now we must keep our heads cool.

Our biggest principal problem will be transporting it out of the woods and get

away.

We mustn't be seen or they'll think we've stolen it. If caught, we'll simply

hang. Now that I'm rich, I don't think I'd like to hang.

Yes, or burn. They could do that, for example. We must make certain that no

will learn of the gold.

So we will have to work throughout the night.

Now, we have to decide which one of us is to go into the village and get food

and wine for us to eat.

It's a delicate decision.

We've each got to trust the other, but we'll all be cautious at the same time,

huh?

The simplest solution, I feel, is for Aldo and I to stay here and watch the

gold. Huh?

In the meantime, Carlotta will go into the village for provisions.

And you, Carlotta, you'll be able to do that?

Of course I'll be all right. I hope this is the best solution.

Then hurry and be back as soon as you can.

Yes.

Aldo, there's enough gold here to last us the rest of our lives.

This is for me, this is for you, and this is for Carlotta.

We're divided equally, huh?

Just like brothers.

Sure, we've always been the best of friends.

Only you're the one who's always trying to screw my girl, right?

That's not true.

You're my friend.

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

I've put your money there.

And I put my money here.

Two parts, you understand?

You mean just two?

You don't care about Carlotta? Yes, but only up to a certain point.

With all this gold, it's possible to buy a hundred girls like her.

This is how we'll go about it.

When dear Carlotta returns, I'll take her with me into the woods.

We'll be over there, near that bush.

After a minute or so, she won't suspect anything.

I'll see to it that she won't hear you.

Then you come along.

But quietly.

Take your sword and stab our dear Caluff in the back.

Is anyone here?

Gentlemen.

Good evening. I was just about to close, but if there's something I can do for

you, I should be glad to.

Thank you. I need some poison. My cellar is full of rats about this big.

Big ones? And some bigger.

If you ask me, a good cat is what you need.

But then your cat is seen very large.

For rats this big, I would prefer something else.

In that case, I have just the thing for you.

Whatever living thing.

That you'd swallow even one drop of my preparation.

No matter how small the dose.

Before he could walk a mile.

Not even that long.

A half mile. A quarter. He would be dead.

How marvelous. Perhaps I could interest you in a larger cat. About this big.

Here's your money.

Save that thing for your wife.

For you, my love.

How many?

There's so many we can hardly count them.

I've loved you as a poor man.

Now as a rich one, I want you on a bed of gold.

may still have time to save their souls.

The waters return to their beds.

Soon it'll be subsided enough that we may continue our journey to Canterbury,

eh, my lord?

A pity.

I was just beginning to enjoy myself.

If you want some different pleasure, Cavalieri, I have a story I would very

like to tell you. Less depressing than the one you just heard.

I couldn't ask for anything more.

It's a... a fitting pastime for a king.

I'm glad. And it's about a king, I'm going to tell you. A king who lived in

ancient Greece.

Not an important or even potent king.

But an impotent king.

A message, sire!

Yes, sire.

You call for me, sire.

Read this.

A great day for the house of Antiochus, sire, yes.

That you may see your daughter again after 20 years.

The happiness in your heart and your kingdom is great.

The rejoicing that will go on. The princess... Shut up, you imbecile!

idiot!

Twenty thousand is the ransom they want, and me without a coin in me pocket.

If I recall correctly, sire, the princess was only two years old when

kidnapped.

Let me see.

That was 18 years ago.

Isn't it so, sire?

It's certain by now she's grown into a young, attractive woman. Well

20 years old.

Then, uh, figure 600 pieces per year.

I forbid it. My purse couldn't stand to pay out for that gold.

No, no, no, it's impossible.

That depends.

For a two -year -old child, it's certainly not worth your pain.

But for a young girl, a beauty well built, pay it. Pay it and consider the

money well spent.

Get out!

And what do I do if she's not a beauty as you're implying?

Then you don't recognize her.

Right.

You have a pretty good idea there.

Splendid! I'll have the treasurer come in. I'll talk to him.

If he's ugly, I'll banish you.

What's taking you so long, you idiot?

Hurry, imbecile! Hurry!

If I was paying you, I'd stop.

I've never seen for the last time. What are you doing? We haven't all day.

Over here!

There's amazing work around here.

Get those flags up. Come on.

We shall be well received here, I should think. Oh, yes, and with all etiquette.

Lower the drawbridge!

Well, don't just stand there.

I sense something mysterious here.

I feel a great misery.

Hope for the best.

Woman in memento clothing.

You pretend to be my daughter.

I, sire, am the Prince Figueroa.

Ah, excuse me.

I was mistaking you for a woman.

But I am a female.

I was under the impression that I heard you say prince, not princess.

You heard correctly, sire. I did say prince because the title pertains mainly

my frame of mind.

As you say.

It seems to me that you are not only lacking...

Your mind, but in your sex.

Who's that?

There.

This is the Minister of Social Strangely, sire.

Minister? He looks more like a tavern keeper to me.

That's a friar.

Not a friar, sire.

It's your daughter.

But why do I only get the odd ones?

A prince, she tells me. I never would have known it.

A tavern idiot who calls himself a minister.

And a friar who says she's my daughter.

And you, all dressed up like you were a cavalier. What do you really do? Are you

an oriental dancer?

Tell her to come a little closer and take off that horrible thing.

Come here.

I want you to come here.

I am sorry, sir.

But you see, ours is a poor country and our banks are empty. And this bill is

all we could find for the poor young girl.

Stop! You imbecile!

Do you expect I can see through the robe?

Now we concern ourselves with only official business.

Hercules, go and call the Prime Minister.

to locate those old birth documents on my daughter. Yes, sire.

We must first control the documents with the greatest care.

The dynasty demands it.

Eh, prince?

I realize that, sire.

And I will proceed also with caution. In Figuerazzo, the saying is, the world is

full of cheap.

I'm here, sire.

Antonius. My prime minister.

We must ascertain if this girl is really my daughter,

Amitonia.

That is the crucial point.

Take a seat, please. Thank you, sire.

And where would you suggest we sit?

No, no, it's not important.

My memory is phenomenal.

Oh, how rude I get.

You've come all the way from Figarozzi, and I'm sure you're hungry and tired.

Now, you tell Hercules to bring some food and wine with which to show our

hospitality. Yes, sire, as you wish.

Antonius! Where are you going?

I need you here for your advice.

But you requested Hercules, sir.

Ah, yes, yes, yes. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Yes, sir.

All right, let's see where we are here.

Yes.

If I remember correctly, she had one foot larger than the other. Now, let's

Antonius.

What do you think, Antonius?

Antonius! I'm asking advice of you!

What are you doing way down there?

Thinking about the feet. Studying them from afar.

What do you mean, studying from afar?

These things must be studied up close.

Antonius! Will you listen? Wasn't there some other kind of a sign on her, I

hope? A mole, sire.

A mole?

A mole?

Where's the mole?

Where?

Above at the bottom!

Above, below, where?

Oh, what the hell does he mean, then?

Oh, I can't find it. Oh, Sam, where is it? Above on the bottom.

I've already looked above. Oh, where the hell is it?

Above on the bottom.

witness this. Come on.

I'm coming, sire.

Here it is, sire.

Look, Antonius.

Look.

Here it is.

The mole.

You remove your finger, sire.

I'd probably be able to see it.

And you, cavalier.

What do you think?

Of all this.

I don't know.

Quite frankly, I don't see anything regal about it at all.

I think it might be better to make a more thorough examination, Your Majesty.

In private.

Let her be, my lords. The princess cannot be left alone until you have

compensated us for returning her.

Of course, you may stay, my lady.

I mean Prince.

But I think it best, though, that we should leave.

Chaucer, this man.

I have a feeling I've met him somewhere before. Oh, that's the famous Hercules.

He hasn't finished his 13th labor yet.

That was under the impression there were only 12 labors.

There were.

First the gold.

Oh.

The wine is from Syracuse.

Resonated.

300 years before Christ. A good year.

I don't care for the king's manner towards his daughter.

I'm sickened.

That bastard. He shouldn't be killed.

Who knows what the child is suffering.

Oh, don't be such a romantic.

Admit you'd like to be there this very moment.

But in the same place that idiot king is in, huh?

She probably killed the clown.

Paid in gold, my lord.

Don't let it upset you.

Your temperament, my man, is much too delicate with these things.

His own daughter.

Stay right in there, sire.

It's a horrible thing we've done.

We have been accomplices to incest.

She's no more a princess than you, Cavalier.

She's the most corrupt and ugly of my servants.

What do you say? I'm afraid it's true.

Now do you feel so terrible?

You dogs, you miserable dogs. You've been hiding the truth from me.

By hiding the truth, we've discovered your humble nature.

Hercules, are you training for the Olympics?

Last year it was bolting.

This year it's running. I just don't know what to do.

Hercules,

who will comfort me now? Don't worry, my...

This is one labor I'll enjoy.

There's a point, doesn't it? Girls aren't the weakest thing.

traveling companion, my lord.

He could very well have hit one of us.

Oh, I doubt that.

For that man happens to be the best archer in the whole of England.

Please, my lord, seat yourself.

I have a message to read to all of you.

But first, tavern owner, would you be kind enough to give us all a glass of

wine?

You servants, gather round. This message is also for you.

Hear this, my dear Chaucer. I wish to thank both you and my fellow travelers.

I learned more in one night as your cavalier and escort than in all the

court away from the people.

I want you to tell them one and all to heed these words, that if ever any of

them should be in need of assistance, they have but to call on me.

I must now ride long and hard to rejoin our armies already in combat against the

invader. Reserve your stories and tales until we meet again.

And in Canterbury, pray for me.

But not too much. Richard II, King of England.

Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to long life and well -being. May God keep him

safe. Richard II, King of England.

Long live the King!

Long live the King!