All language subtitles for Russell Peters-2006-Outsourced

movies subtitles: subtitles.alege.net

Here he is, guys,
Russell Peters!

Alright, how you doing?

Alright, look at you,
you filthy downloaders!

Look at this audience, man.
Everybody. This is cool, man.

Everybody's here.
We got...

Clearly we got some Asians
in the house.That's uhh...

I saw all the Honda Civics in the
parking lot. I knew you were here.

I thought they were shooting "Fast
and the Furious part 3" or something.

And the brown bastards.
Look at you, huh.

There's a lot of closed motels
in town right now, I'll tell you that.

White people, how you doing?
White folks, good to see you.

A white guy with a brown
girl. Good job, buddy!

Her parents must be so happy!

There's a brown man with a
white woman. Nice. See? Balanced.

That's what I'm talking. He's
living the American dream.

Or at least the Indian dream.

Indian accent: ''I go to America
and I get white woman...''

''I'm ahead of the game.''

Latinos in the house?
Where the Latinos at?

Alright, all 6 of you.
Good. All right.

How the hell, we're in California,
only 6 Latinos showed up.

And black people?

You can clap again.
Look at that.

You got both, you're
black and latino.

Your credit must suck!
I'm just kidding.

It's funny, when I say Asian...

Especially, in America,
when I say Asian...

People automatically
picture in their head....

Which is messed up.
Because India is part of Asia...

And we don't get
the same credit.

When I say Asian,
people don't go...

We're Asian too, man!

When God was making Asians,
he made two types of Asians.

And you guys got
first choice on looks.

And you fucked
us on the deal.

Chinese accent: ''We'll take eyes!''

''You guys can have
noses and hair.''

My people are greedy. We heard, ''Two!
Two! We got two! That's a good deal, two!"

Noses and hair!

We didn't know it was gonna be big
noses and body hair. That's a shit deal!

We're a hairy race
of people, man!

It's hot as hell in
India and we're hairy.

Who the hell came
up with that deal?

I think the god that was making Indian people was
having some sort of practical joke with the other gods.

''Guys, guys, come
here. Watch this.''

''Buddha, put down the
drink. Come here.''

''Okay look, I'm going to
take these people here...''

''And put them in the
hottest place in the world.''

''And just for fun...''

''I'll cover them with hair.''

It's hot and we're hairy!

Men and women!

Indian girls getting mad,
pulling down their seats...

''I hate this
son of a bitch.''

It's okay nowadays if chicks have hair.
They can take care of it, know what I mean?

Chicks have hair they don't want, they can
get rid of it. All kinds of hair removal methods...

There's waxing, there's electrolysis,
there's threading, there's laser hair removal.

They have hair they
don't want now...

It's gone.

They're removing it from
their assholes now.

How hairy were your
assholes before this?

You know what they used to do in the
80's when chicks had hair they didn't want?

They used to bleach it.

I'm like, ''Sweetheart, we don't have a
problem with the color of your moustache...''

"It's not like the blond
goatee looks better."

And the Asians, they're
not hairy at all.

Full hat of hair on their head,
and nothing on their body.

Very rarely do you see a bald Asian. Well, unless
they shave it off. Know what I mean? But...

You know what's funny,
when I say Asian...

People automatically think Chinese.

''Yes, Asians, Chinese. That's all
they are. All Asians are Chinese.''

Look at them, yelling out their last
name. So proud. That's cool. But uh...

But people do think all Asians are
Chinese. That's what they think.

''All Asians are Chinese, they speak and look Chinese.
That's what they are, that's what they do.''

That's not the case. There's so
many different types of Asians.

Sure, you might not be able to tell right
away, by looking at Asian people.

You could take an educated guess, sometimes
certain things stand out and you go...

''Aha, I know what
kind of Asian you are.''

But if you really wanna learn the
differences between different Asian groups,

you can tell by when they
speak English. That's how.

Just to get a feel of the Asians
that are in the room tonight...

Do we have any Vietnamese
people here tonight?

Alright, like one guy
hiding upstairs, too.

Any Koreans in the house?

All right, that's two
closed dry cleaners. Nice.

Filipinos, where you at?
I see you right there.

I knew you guys were Filipino right away 'cause you keep staring at the mic like there's karaoke after the show.

Filipino accent: ''I hope this Bumbay
hurry us up with the show please, 'cause...''

''I want to get up there
and sing. Putang ina, hurry!''

And Chinese people?

Nice. That's good.

You can tell by when Asian groups speak
English. That's how you know where they're from.

For example. Vietnamese people, you
can tell they're Vietnamese..

'Cause when they speak English,
they speak it really fast.

Like they know it.

But they end up speaking English so fast that it
ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again.

I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy.
This is what he says to me. He goes:

''Fuck you, 'kay?
You fucking blowjob!''

He called me a
fucking blowjob.

Have you ever been
called a blowjob before?

Do you realize that if somebody calls you a
blowjob there is not one good comeback...

There is nothing you can
say that'll sound cool.

''You fucking blowjob.''

''So are you!''

That's why I like different
cultures, you know?

Different words mean different things to
them in English, you know what I mean?

I'm from Toronto. In Toronto,
there's a Vietnamese restaurant

called, ''Pho Phuc Lai''.

P-H-O, P-H-U-C, L-A-I.

I used to call there as a kid just to
have the guy answer the phone.

Doesn't it sound like a
whole new level of lying?

''Hey, don't lie! That's
a pho-phuc-lai!''

''You fucking blowjob.''

You can tell when Koreans speak English,
'cause when they speak English...

they sound like
they're out of breath.

Like just ran a marathon.

''You don't make any
jokes about Koreans...''

I learned how to
count to six in Korean.

Not impressive, but it beats learning
to swear in somebody's language.

Don't get mad, that's the first thing you do when you
learn somebody's language. How to curse, right?

Then we get mad when people come here, and
the first thing they learn to do is swear at you.

''That's so ignorant. Did you hear him?
He walked in the store and went...''

''Hello, you motherfucker.''

That's what he learned.

I learned how to count to 6. Not being
a dick, I learned from my dry cleaner.

I did. I'd drop my shirts off. She'll count
them and then I'll count along with her.

I did. Here, I'll
count to six. Ready?

Are you Jewish?

You can tell when Chinese people are speaking
English. When Chinese people speak English...

It sounds like they're chopping
vegetables with the words.

''Don't say nothing bad''.

Don't say nothing what?
"Bad!"

How did you just make a
short word even shorter?

I learned about the cultures
because I travel around.

I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago. I had a good
time in Vietnam. Vietnam was a great place.

Hot as hell in Vietnam.

When an Indian guy tells you
it's hot, trust me, it was hot.

Good place, nice people.

I didn't know until I went to Vietnam, that you
could actually use a scooter as a minivan.

I didn't know.

You'll see an entire
family on a scooter.

Like dad will sit here, right, and
leave a little piece of seat...

And a small child
will sit there.

And then another small
child will stand in front.

And then mom will sit off
to the side in the back like that.

And then another kid will sit
off to the side this way.

And one more kid
will face that way.

And there'll be 3 more kids doing back-flips
while they're just driving down the street.

Like if you saw that here, that'd be
stuff you'd see at like the circus.

It'd be like, "Do not attempt to do this at home.
These are professional stunt drivers."

And it'd be like six white
guys driving all careful.

In Vietnam, like the entire family.
Dad's weaving in and out of traffic...

Mom's on the
back, eating...

Good place, Vietnam. And if there's any other reason
to go to Vietnam, I'll tell you. For their money.

The money there is dope.
Know what it's called? "Dong."

That's the name of
their money. Dong.

It's worth going there just to have a woman
you don't know walk up to you and go:

''Excuse me, sir. Could you
give me some dong?''

''Yes, I can.''

''Would you like some
schlong with that dong?''

I love that term "schlong".
Doesn't it sound gross?

White guys came up with
that term for sure, right?

''Hey dude, there I was when
I whipped out my schlong.''

Schlong. Sounds wet.

I don't even have a
schlong, I got a schlort.

Hey dude, the show's
up here, okay?

I'm not a piece of meat.

Went to China last year. Chinese
people, where are you? Right there?

- You Chinese too, bro?
- Yeah.

He looked upset about that.

He was like, "Yeah."

''I tried to do this a lot
but it doesn't work.''

''Now I'm a porish.''

- What's your name, Chinese guy?
- Vincent.

That's what I thought when I looked
at you. I'm like, ''That guy there is Vincent''.

- Do you have a Chinese name, Vincent?
- Yeah.

What is it, Vincent?

Woah, slow down,
hammer. I'm not Chinese.

You ain't gotta say it
all proper for me, like....

Oh, really?

Say it again, Vincent.
Go ahead, buddy.

You just made shit up.
I can tell right there.

He was like swallowing
or something.

And you're Chinese as well?
What's your name?

- Catherine.
- Catherine, yes. Absolutely.

"You know those Chinese
couple's Catherine and Vincent?"

Do you have a Chinese
name too, Catherine?

Is yours as confusing as Vincent's?
What is it, go ahead.

Do I like your what?

Tits?

That sounds sexy, man.

That's one of those names you could
brag about to your friends.

If I'd say, yeah man, I banged this chick named
Catherine. My friends are like,''Who cares."

But, yo, I banged
this chick named....

''Did you videotape that shit?''

"That is exotic!"

Where are your families from?

The bay area.

Bay area. That's what I thought
when I looked at you.

But before that?

Hong Kong.

China. Mainland.

What part?
You don't know?

Just accepted it
at face value?

- ''Mom, Dad, where are you from?"
- "China."

- ''What part?''
- ''Downtown.''

''Downtown, China. Okay
Catherine, no more questions.''

Can you speak
Mandarin or Cantonese?

Cantonese. So they're from obviously
a Cantonese part of Mainland China. See?

See how I did it?

And obviously you speak
Cantonese, right Vincent?

'Cause your parents are from Hong
Kong. See I know the difference.

People don't. People think, "Oh,
Chinese people speak Chinese."

It's pretty ignorant because
there's no language called Chinese.

It's like when people come to me like,
''Hey Russell, how do you say 'hi' in Indian?"

I'm like, there's no language called Indian
so I don't know what you're asking me.

''Alright, smartass.''

''How do they say
hello in India?''

Like this:
"Hellooo!!!"

Just to clear it up if you don't know. There's
two main languages in the Chinese culture.

Cantonese and Mandarin, and they have a bunch
of like small village languages that even

other Chinese people'll go,
"I don't know what she's saying."

And Cantonese, they speak in
Hong Kong, for the most part.

And in Mainland China, around Beijing
and those areas, they speak Mandarin.

If you're picturing someone speaking Chinese
in your head, and it sounds really funny,

you're picturing Cantonese.

Because Cantonese is the funnier
sounding out of the two languages, isn't it?

It's the more flamboyant. The one
with the extended sounding words.

When I was in Hong Kong, I heard people speak Cantonese and that was the funniest shit I've heard in my life.

Sometimes, they speak and it sounds
like they're falling off a cliff, you know?

And if you're not familiar with their language, we wouldn't
even know if somebody wasn't speaking it proplerly.

I wouldn't even know if a guy was
stuttering when he's speaking Cantonese.

He could be stuttering his ass
off, we wouldn't know.

You just walk right on him, "That guy
is speaking his ass off over there!''

But Cantonese is the more
fun sounding language.

When I was in Hong Kong, I woke up one
morning in the hotel. I was yawning.

And I'm walking through the lobby. Apparently I
said some shit in Chinese, I had no clue.

I'm walking through,
and I was like...

And the hotel manager was there, like, "Hey,
asshole! You don't swear in the hotel, okay?"

''You watch your mouth!
Be a man!''

But it's a very fun
sounding language.

Now Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing. And
I had a chance to go to Mainland China last year.

I learned the differences between the two,
and I'm helping you with it right now.

Now you know what Cantonese sounds like, you'll
know right away if someone speaks Mandarin 'cause

it's way different. It sounds
way more chilled out, bit more relaxed.

It sonds a bit more aggressive, 'cause it sounds like
they're grinding their teeth when they're speaking.

Especially in Beijing,
when they talk...

''Sure, you son of a bitch!''

But it's very different!

You know when you speak in English we have words
that we use to stall till we get to the next word. Little

shit words that we'll
shove in, words like....

Just little crappy words that we'll shove in
'till we're thinking up the next word.

To stall.

In Mandarin, they have one word that they love
to use, and it sounds really messed up in English.

You know what I'm saying, this
Chinese's like: ''I know. I know the word.''

So you know I'm not making it
up, right? This is their word.

All I hear when I'm in Beijing, people
talking around me, I hear around me, is uhh...

That's their word!

Now this is a true story.

I was at KFC in Beijing.

'Cause I went to China, to eat
Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So...

I'm standing in line, and standing in line
in front of me, is a black woman.

I did not put her there.

She was there. I swear, you
can't make this shit up.

I'm standing in line, there's this black
woman standing in line in front of me...

The only black
woman in China...

And she found the chicken.
That's all I'm saying, alright?

I don't make the stereotypes.
I just see them.

I'm standing in line, there's a black
woman standing in front of me...

And she's a Nigerian woman. I know she's Nigerian
'cause she's having a tough time with the menu,

and she keeps looking at me.
"I don't know what to order."

I'm like, "Look at the menu!"

I said, "You should try
the popcorn (cluck)ken."

So we're standing
in line, right...

And this little Chinese kid
runs in with his mom.

And he runs to the front of the counter. And he's looking
at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat.

Now his mom's standing over there, and
the Nigerian woman's standing right here. And he's

trying to tell his mom what he
wants but he's not really sure.

So all you see
happening is....

And the Nigerian woman looks to me like I'm
supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right?

''Why don't you hit him?''

Here's a straw, get him yourself!

I had a good time in China.
What sucked though,

when I went to China, the airline
lost my suitcase on the way there.

On the way.

How do you lose shit on
the way to somewhere?

I get to China. I have
nothing with me, right?

'Cause they lost my suitcase.

I get to China, all I have with me
was my handluggage, and

all I packed was a portable DVD player, a
Diskman, some Cds, Dvds, some magazines.

For a long trip like that, I
wanna be entertained. And then

my underwear, and my socks, and my
toothbrush, and my deodorant...

My deodorant...

will be in my suitcase,
which will meet me in China.

Which, never met me in China.

And I gotta be honest
with you. As a brown man...

We need our
deodorant, all right?

Don't give me the look,
'cause you know you need it.

''No, no, I'm good.
I just showered. I'm good.''

No, no, no, you need the
fucking deodorant, alright?

Beacuse the rumors are already---

People already said,
"Indian people stink."

Indian people don't stink. Let me tell
you what happens to my people.

We expire, quicker
than other people.

And after 25 hours on a
plane, I was thoroughly expired.

I stunk so bad, I walked through the airport
in Beijing. Chinese people are going, ''God, you stink!''

''You from India.''

I'm from Canada.

That's how Canadians smell.

So now, I have a show that night,
and I have no clothes. And I'm wearing

sweatpants, sweatshirt, baseball hat,
running shoes--- I'm dressed for comfort.

I can't go on stage like that so I have to
go to this mall in Beijing to buy some clothes.

I didn't know this 'till I got there, but
apparently in China, I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

I got to the mall, I walk
into the store, I'm like:

''Hey do you have a 10 and
a half, 11 on those shoes?''

''No. How 'bout a 8?''

''How about I can't negotiate my
footsize with you? How 'bout that!''

''How about a 36
on those pants?''

''36? Is too big!''

''You're too fat.''

''Lose some
weight, fatboy!''

''Come back when you
30, 32 the most.''

How can I not find clothes in China?
Isn't everything made there?

All in all, a
good trip, though.

Did so much travelling, my passport
expired. Last summer I had to renew

my passport. I don't know
in America, but in Canada,

on your new passport photos,
you're not allowed to smile.

That's the new rule: you're not allowed
to smile. This is their way of fighting terrorism.

This is how they're gonna
catch the terrorist. You can't smile.

That's the message they're sending. If
you're travelling, you'd better not be happy.

I didn't know right. I'm in
the mall, I walk in one of those

those places that says "we
do passport photos" I walk in,

I'm like, yo, I need some passport photos.
The guy goes: "No problem buddy. Sit down.''

Which really pissed me off, 'cause he was a white
guy, and I don't know why he was talking like that.

I think he was mocking me.

So I sit down. The guy goes, "you
ready?", I go, yeah. It's a picture,

and I'm a happy guy,
so I figure, alright.

And I smile.
I'm like this:

Guy goes: "Sir, sir, your
lips need to be touching."

All right.

''Sir. Sir, you can't smile.''

Not like that I
can't smile, of course.

This is how they really think they're
gonna find the terrorists, by

making you not smile.

You wanna find the terrorists?
Make everybody smile.

And the people that don't
wanna smile, question them.

Whenever you're watching CNN, and they show
you the terrorist that they're looking for, and

those guys are
happy? Never.

You never see a shot of a
terrorist standing around, going:

There's never the one joker terrorist
guy with his thumb on the detonator,

''I'll do it! I'll do it! You flinched,
you bastard, I saw you flinch.''

So I wasn't allowed
to smile. So now,

if it wasn't bad enough, being a brown man,
going through the airports, now when I

give 'em my passport,
I look pissed off.

My picture in my
passport's like this:

Picking my passport, ''Mr. Peters. Step this
way, please. A few words with you."

It's hard, man. Security in the
airport, customs, immigration...

They really need to learn the difference
between a terrorist and an Indian.

We're not the same!

We're not from the same part of the
world, we don't speak the same language,

we don't eat the same food, we
don't even hate the same people!

Terrorists hate Americans.

Indians hate each other.

A terrorist will
blow up an airport.

Indians like to work
at the airport.

''That would be
counter-productive.''

And I know a lot of white people are
nervous about flying nowadays.

I understand to a certain degree. I had
one white dude come up to me, goes:

''No man. I don't fly anymore."

''You never know when shit's
gonna go down up there."

''What? Nothing's going
down up there, dude.''

''Yeah, well, you never know.''

And I understand. I know
you panicked a little bit.

But think about it reasonably.
Think about it logically.

Think about what airline you're getting on, where
you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to.

That all factors in to
your terrorist theory.

I was on a Jet Blue flight.

See? Jet Blue is funny enough.

I was on a Jet Blue flight from
Buffalo, New York to LaGuardia.

It was like a 30-seat plane.

My God, my indian
turrets is acting up.

30-seat plane.

We all go through it.

So I get on board
this little plane,

it's a 45 minute flight. I walk on board, this
older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, and goes:

"Oh, my God!"

I'm like, "what?!''

You think I'm a terrorist?!
On friggin' Jet Blue?

What am I, the low self-
esteemed terrorist?

"Yeah, I don't wanna
kill a lot of us today..."

"I thought I'd start off with
30. Tomorrow, SouthWest!"

Just think about it
logically, you know?

I remember I was on a flight like
two weeks after 9/11. I sat down

beside this white guy,
he almost shit his pants.

I sat down,
the guy's like this:

About half an hour into the flight,
I reached for my bag, the guy goes...

"Oh, my God! No!"

I'm like, "Relax, you jackass!"

Just getting my Diskman.

Got to listen to
my instructions.

I'm glad Latinos are here,
man. All six of you.

You full Latino? You
half? What are you?

He does this.
Half. That's half.

That's how
you cut 'em.

What are you,
what's your mix?

Puerto Rican and black.

That's not far off. They're from
New York, your parents?

One is? Which one?

Puerto Rican?

Puerto Rican and
black. That's cool, man.

We don't have any
Puerto Ricans in Canada.

We don't have any Mexicans.
Any Mexican people here?

You? One guy's like...

Are you full Mexican? Nice.

What's your name?

Jose? Wow.

Just in case we
didn't believe him.

I like Mexicans. But there's no
Mexicans in Canada either, man.

No Mexicans in Canada.

You should see how
messed up our lawns are.

All of sudden, everybody got
sensitive! "Oh. Hey, that's not--"

''Everybody else is fine but you
don't say shit about the lawn!''

Funny how defensive they
got for you. See that, Jose?

They got your back!

No Mexicans. I wish we got Mexicans.

We got Latinos. We got
a lot of South Americans.

All the Chileans. All the Uruguay. All
the soccer countries. We got all of them.

But see I'm living in LA now.
In LA, there's a lot of Mexicans.

One of my good
friends, Jesus...

It's just cool to hang
around a guy named Jesus.

- "Who's your friend?"
- ''The son of God!''

I like hangin' around with
Jesus, man. 'Cause Mexican---

Latinos in general are
very proud people.

You don't ever mess up anything Spanish
around them. They get very upset, like

you're supposed to know
how they say their shit.

I'm like, Jesus I'm gonna
go get a burito, man.

''It's burriiito.''

I'm sorriito, okay?

The Latinos in Canada
try and play that, see,

The Mexican cats in LA, a lot of them play that
hardcore Cholo thing, that whole gangster thing,

''Hey, esse. I wanna talk to you
for a minute, eh, fucker?''

They play it hard, you know? They
got that intensity about them.

Even Jesus approached me,

''Hey Russell, lemme talk
to you for a second, eh?''

What did I do?

''Nothing. I'm just saying 'hi'''

Damn, Jesus. You
wanna relax a bit?

The Latinos in Canada, South American guys, they
play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time.

Too much, to the point like, where they're
trying to seduce everybody all the time.

I went to this Spanish club
in Toronto, this girl goes:

''Oh, Russell, I want
you to meet Fernando.''

This guy turns
around and goes, "Ola."

''I am Fernando.''

I'm like, "You wanna put your cock away, Fernando?
I'm just trying to shake your hand buddy."

Not that kind of party.

But I like the Latinos.
'Cause you know why?

They can have the most normal
accent in the world, but the minute

they start saying like a South
American country, it sounds like they

just stepped off a
boat a second ago.

-Hey, where ya from?
- ''Well I'm from here, but my family's from Ecuador.''

What the hell happened
to you just now?

And the more Spanish countries they say, the
more it sounds like they're going deaf, you know?

''I'm from Ecuador, this is
my friend from Nicaragua.''

''He's from Guatemala. Uruguay.''

''Peru, Peru.''

I like cultural names. Cultural
names are really cool.

I don't have a cultural name. And Indian people, for
some reason have a real tough time with this,

but my real name
is Russell Peters.

Both my parents are from India, and
that's the name they gave me.

Russell Dominic--- look at you
dumb motherfuckers right there!

Do you know Indian
history at all?

No you don't. You know why? I
can tell he doesn't know Indian history.

The British were there, for 400 years. You
don't think they fucked 1 or 2 of us?

If they can steall all our jewelry,
they can bang 1 or 2 of us.

That's my real name. Both
my parents are from India,

and they named me
Russell Dominic Peters.

Dominic. I got an
Italian middle name.

'Cause my parents are from
that Italian part of India.

Calcutta. You know
that part there.

Got a problem with my
name? Talk to my parents.

Eric and Maureen.

And my brother Julio.

If I had an Indian
name I'd wear it proudly.

If I had it, I'd
rock it. Very proudly.

What's your name
Mr. India over there?

Anit?

See? That's "a neat" name

Jose, that's the
equivalent, right there.

"Anit Patel."

"That's my brother,
"A messy" Patel".

"That's my big brother, "A slob".

Do you know what
your name means?

Nope?

So sure that this wasn't my name but I have no clue
what your name means. I don't know what it means either.

I know what my name means. Russell.
It sucks. You know what it means?

"To make a noise."

A shit name, a shit joke.
What do you want?

I like the Indian names. I
think they're cool, they have

deep meanings to them, they
have long history behind them.

What's your name, my little
seat brother right there?

Prabjolt?

Not Prabchold?

That would just be rude, I guess
at that point, wouldn't it?

That would make
his name Prab-fuck.

Prabjolt.

Good, solid Indian name.

You know what
your name means?

See? He knows what
his name means.

What does
it mean, Prab?

"God's essence."

What's your sister's
name? Herbal essence?

''Your sister smells great!''

''That's just Herbal.''

Herbaljolt.

God's essence.
That's dope, man.

I think a lot of Indian
names are really cool, but--

I think a lot of
cultural names are cool.

But if you have a cultural name, and you're
gonna move from another country, to America,

think about what that name means
in English before you move here.

Think about how it's
gonna affect your life.

'Cause some Indian names are really good,
some are really cool and mean a lot.

But they're really good in India.

When they come here with those names, it
just doesn't cross over very well.

I met an Indian dude, and you know this is
a real name 'cause he was one of your people,

I met an Indian guy, I swear to
God, his real name was Sukhdeep.

Sukhdeep.

Could you imagine living your
life with a name like Sukhdeep?

Somebody's looking
for you one day...

''You Sukhdeep?''

''Well, sometimes, if I have to.''

''I don't really
like it, though.''

And obviously it's not pronounced
"suck deep" in my culture, you know.

But if you were to read it, that's how
you'd read it. It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P.

The 'H' doesn't help.

'Cause now it sounds even worse.

''Come here, SukHHHdeep.''

And I used to think Sukhdeep was like
the funniest Indian name I ever heard.

Then a few months ago I was at DC, and I
met this Indian dude, and I shit you not,

the guy's real
name was Hardik.

H-A-R-D-I-K.

Who the hell
names a kid Hardik?

''Come on, Hardik. Pull up your
pants. Stop that. It's not nice."

Hardik.

How could you not get into a career
of porn with a name like Hardik?

What if Hardik and Sukhdeep
became best friends?

You're Punjab. You know what I'm saying.
You guys crossed the line with the names.

I met an Indian girl
named Ramindeep.

''Hey, get in there
and Ramindeep.''

Sure it's not pronounced like that but it
sounds funnier when you say Ramindeep.

Just think, you know.

Many Indian people can't wrap
their head around my name.

I don't know why it's that
difficult. It's very simple.

Just go read a history book, and
it'll all make sense to you.

And Indian people always
get the worst about it.

When white people hear
Russell Peters: "Okay."

They don't have a
problem. They don't get it.

''Maybe he's from the South.
I don't know what he is."

''You're not Christian, are you?''

- Yes, I am.
- From the South?

Not from the South.
See, I'm not one of them.

I know what you're thinking.
I'm not one of them.

Those were converts. I was mixed.

We don't know when
the mix happened.

It just happened. We're
a long line of us.

Indian people are the worst.

Tell my name to a white guy, ''Hey,
Russell Peters, nice to meet you.''

Indian people are the
first one to question.

And when they try to get information
out of you, they're the worst at it.

They're not very convincing. You can always tell
when they're trying to convince you to tell something.

When they're trying to convince you, they
give you this look like they're taking a shit.

They sound like this:

''Russell?''

''Russell?''

That's what they do. They're
not very convincing people.

Parents are the worst. White
parents are very direct.

We have white parents.
There you go, white guy.

What's your name, buddy?

Steve, just in case... wow.

Welcome to Stereotype Night. This is....

Steve, Jose and
Anit Patel.

White parents are very direct.
They want their kids to do something,

''Steve, come here and
clean up your room.''

Tell you right away.

Indian parents feel the need to
convince their kids to do things.

And if they don't make the shit face, they'll
take one word and make it sound convincing.

''Russell, come.''

''Come.''

''Come.''

That's their convincing sound.
Take one word and extend....

You can only imagine the arranged
marriage on the wedding night.

They're gonna consummate
the first day they met?

''Are we going to have sex?"

''Sex?''

''Doggy style?''

''Doggy?''

Immigrant parents have a tendency
to embarass their kids, don't they?

Yeah, they do.
They just do shit.

When family comes over. That's
when they embarass you.

You can try to be as hardcore as you want.
But the minute your family come over, it's over.

Filipinos, you know
what I'm saying.

You guys always have
that shit happen to you.

Filipino accent: ''Show Tito Rey
how you sing. Show him."

''Jun, come here and
show Tito Rey your songs."

''Sing the songs
for Tito Rey.''

''See, he's so
good. So good.''

Indian parents
do that, too.

I remember when I was like
14, I used to Breakdance.

Yeah, I did!

I was like,
all the time...

That was me back
in the day, man!

I remember I was 14, I'd be out here
all day, "Come on, we're gonna break!"

And when my family come over, I
didn't wanna break in front of my family.

My dad was like, ''Come, Russell,
show uncle how you dance.''

''Show uncle how you dance!''

- ''I don't wanna show him...''
- ''Show him how you dance.''

And you're standing
like an asshole.

And your uncle's like, "Oh that's very good. Is
he retarded? I can't tell what's happening."

Just embarass you, man.

That was a lot of energy.

Anybody here from England?
Any British people in the house?

Look at that. Nice, you imported
your white meat. Nice job, sir.

Where you from? Are
you from England?

What part?

Bedford.

Bedford, she said it so nicely.

I like the English
accent sometimes.

But I really think it's the only accent in the world you can't
do without making a ridiculous face everytime you do it.

''Yes, good evening.
I'm from England.''

''I'm from England.''

Sometimes English people are okay. Sometimes
you get arrogant, English people, you know?

You wanna mess
with English people?

Next time you meet someone from England, and they tell you where they're from, act like you've never heard of it.

They get pissed off!

''That's an interesting accent.
Where are you from?''

''I'm from England..''

''I'm sorry, where?''

''England.''

''I've never heard of it.''

''England?''

''Little island beside Europe.''

''Is that your Miami?''

''England, you bloody fool!''

''I believe you're
speaking our language.''

''I'm speaking English, dude. I don't know
what the hell you're speaking right now.''

''England.''

It looks ugly sometimes. I think that's
why English guys don't get laid a lot.

Women don't want
that pounding them.

''What a delightful feeling!''

''That is smashing!''

''Oh, my God!
I'm arriving!''

How long have you
been in America for?

12, 13 years?

And you guys met in England,
obviously 'cause he's a brown man.

Because England has the largest population
of Indian people outside of India.

It's true, they're all there.

And the British are so pissed
off that we're there.

They're mad that
there're so many of us.

As a brown man, when I walk around
England I can feel it, hear them under their breath,

''Go home, you brown bastards.''

And they're mad that there's
so many Indian people there.

That's not our fault. That's the British
peoples' fault. You guys started it.

You went to India first. We
didn't ask you to come over.

1600s, they just showed up.

They stayed for 400 years.

1947, they just got up and left. We're like,
"No, no, no, wait, we're coming with you."

''You can't just come
here and leave.''

''What the hell are
you going to eat?''

''Coming. Come.''

My white American friends, I, uhh...
Steve, your family's from America?

And you're married
to the brown girl, right?

How long you guys
been married for?

11 years. Nice.

What's funny, nowadays, 11 years is wow.
Back in the day, "What, 11? That's it?"

Now it's like, wow,
you've made it.

Three kids. Nice,
little beige babies.

Good job, huh.

Indian women are good.
They're sexy, right? Spicy.

If you're going down on her, take a
glass of water. That's all I'm saying, man.

My white American friends, I'm
here to tell you something, alright?

I like you.

And I'm not just saying that to say
it. I'm telling you for a reason.

Because I think white folks have really
done some major things in the past 30 years.

They've really
taken some strides.

And I feel bad for them,
too. Because white people,

all non-white people in the
world have white folks convinced,

that they're racist.

We have them so scared
to notice anything of color.

That they're afraid to
describe things accurately now.

I was working at
this comedy club,

one of my black friends came down to hang
out with me, and the doorman comes up and goes,

''Hey, Russell, one of
your friends came by.''

- Was it a black guy?
- "I don't know."

''I didn't notice.''

''What do you mean
you didn't notice?''

''What'd he look like?''
- ''He was tall.''

''Curly hair.''

- What was his name?
- ''Leeroy.''

Was he black?

''He could be. I mean, maybe. If
you say he's black, maybe he was.''

We got white people so scared
to describe things with color,

we got them so convinced
that they're racist, it's awful.

Because white people will
never be as racist as we are.

Not in your life!

White folks can
never be that racist.

Indian people, Asians,
we're all very racist.

Every group is racist.

White folks will see a group of Indian people, be like:
''Look at those Indian people, probably all happy together.

And you get in that group, we're like: ''Hey,
you're from India? I'm from India, What part?''

''Oh not that part. Go to
hell, you bloody bastard.''

Every group does it.

Asians all do it.

''I'm Chinese. You Chinese? Where
you from? I'm from Tung Chao..."

''So stupid.''

''Don't talk to me, asshole.''

Every culture does it.
It's so bizarre.

White folks don't
have that problem.

White guy see another white guy: "Hey,
where you from?'' -''I'm from Tennessee, you?''

''I'm from New York.''
- ''Ok, let's go have a drink.''

Hey, another white guy.

White people, it's okay
to be proud of yourselves.

It's not a bad thing.

Sometimes you get carried away, and
light crosses and wear pointy white hats.

But you should draw the
line somewhere before that.

But white people, you really have changed
things for yourselves for the past 30 years.

You've very graciously let
immigrants into your country.

I mean, the country
you took, but whatever.

Sure, sure, you
have a bad history.

Sure, you stole
some land. Big deal.

Tried to wipe out a whole
race of people, no problem.

You brought people in from
Africa, and fucked them over. Big deal.

But, you know, let's
forget about all that.

We're in the 21st century now.

It's time to move on.

I'm glad that you
stole this land.

Know why? 'Cause Christopher
Colombus was looking for my land.

You know Christopher Colombus,
your great discoverer.

He was looking for India
when he found North America.

That jackass was lost!

He wasn't even at the
right part of the world!

And he knew
this wasn't India.

But why do you think the native
people here were called Indians?

'Cause he didn't want to look stupid
in front of his crew. He was like:

''Fellas, that must be India.''

''And those must be Indians.''

Meanwhile we're standing on the shores
of India going, "Where the hell is Chris?''

''Son of a bitch is late.''

But white folks have been very gracious, they've
opened up their borders, and let the immigrants in.

And they didn't ask
questions. They're like,

''Come on in, immigrants. Come to America with us.
Settle down and be an American, don't worry about it.''

And we all came in.
White people were nice.

''Thanks, thanks for coming.''

''Sit down, have a seat.''

And you did it very graciously. You
never asked questions, never said,

"What do you want here? You
need to get out.'' Never did that.

"Come on in. Sit
down. Be one of us.''

And they did it very nicely.

And you look at the immigrants. And say,
"Look at those immigrants. So happy to be here."

You think that the immigrants,
'cause they're all smiling, wave,

''Hello, Mr. American.
How are you?''

''Good day, sir.''

And then you don't realize that every immigrant
that's ever come to this country comes to America

and talks shit about you.

Every immigrant. Doesn't
matter where they come from.

They can come from Europe, Asia,
Africa, doesn't matter. The immigrants

come here and they talk shit
behind an American's back.

And I don't like it, 'cause I was born in
North America so it pisses me off.

But they all do it, all say
the same thing. Very irritating.

You came from England, and you probably
said it too. And you're a white lady. See?

Even white people do it.
See what I mean?

But every immigrant that comes, you
know the first thing they do?

''Americans have no culture.''

That's the first thing.
My dad used to say:

''These bloody Americans
have no culture.''

Dad they have culture, they
have their own thing going on,

which makes it part
of their culture,

which means they have culture.

''No, what is their culture?
Show me. What?''

''Hamburgers and hottogs
is not culture.''

''First of all, hamburgers and what?''

''Hottogs.''

''What the hell's a hottog?''

''You know, hottogs.''

''You mean, hotdogs?''

''Don't try and give it
a fancy name now, ok?''

But white people, it's not fair that immigrants
come here and tell you that you have no culture.

Because you do have
things in your culture.

Black American culture's
very distinct.

You can look at them and go, "That's black American culture. They don't need to prove anything.''

But the white folks always
have something to prove.

And I'm telling you you do have
culture. And it all boils down to music.

When it comes down to music, white folks
you have your own thing going on.

And it's not like we didn't enjoy your culture, too. We enjoyed it, but you, more than we did, made it yours.

White folks love certain songs that we all
enjoyed. But white people took it to another level.

White folks tend to like the songs that
are like, audience participation, you know?

That they don't
have to do a lot.

''Just gotta follow that guy?
That's perfect. Look at that.''

'Cause the jokes already out
that white people can't dance.

That's not true. That's not
fair. White people can dance.

You just choose to do too
many dances at the same time.

That's where the
problems kick in.

You can't salsa and do the running
man. It just doesn't look right, alright.

But white folks generally love
the audience participation songs.

And we enjoy them,
too. The "Macarena''.

It started off as a Latino thing but then
white people got a hold of it and really ran with it.

They took it and
made it theirs.

We all did the Macarena, but
white people took it to another level.

That's the white people's dance.

Good on you, whiteys.
Enjoy yourselves.

I like to watch them enjoy
themselves like that.

When they hear their music that they like,
they get this joyous look in their eyes.

I love to see people enjoy
themselves like that.

There's certain songs. The
Macarena, the Chicken Dance.

That's the white
people's song.

You know the Chicken---

You losers!

No, we're gonna stick with
the Chicken Dance for now.

I like the Chicken Dance.

You ever go to a white wedding and
they play the Chicken Dance?

The minute they play the Chicken Dance, that's
how you know the dance floor's open.

'Cause white people lose
their minds. The bridesmaids---

And the song's tricky
'cause it gets faster.

You never know what's
gonna happen next.

And there's the song that I believe was like
the white people's national anthem, you know?

I was walking down
Sunset Boulevard...

...in Los Angeles.

And there was this
nightclub playing this song.

And it was playing it really loud
you could hear it on the street.

And white people were walking by and driving
by, and they stopped dead in their tracks...

...to do the ''Y. M. C. A.''

White people lose their mind
when they hear the Y.M.C.A.

Stopped their cars in the
middle of Sunset Boulevard,

got out of thier car, and didn't
do it half-assed, they weren't like...

They were like this:

People are honking
their horn, "Move it!"

''Go around, asshole! I'm doing
the Y.M.C.A over here!''

And everybody was doing it and I
saw how much joy was in their eyes.

And I felt so good for the
white people at that time.

I saw how much they were
enjoying themselves, and I'm like,

''Yes, white people! Have fun!''

And I felt good for you.

And then I started
to feel bad.

Not for you.

But for me.
And my people.

And other Asian groups.

Because our alphabet...

...is not set up for
songs like that.

There's never gonna be a
Chinese version of the Y. M. C. A.

Thank you very much,
San Francisco. Good night.

Russell Peters, ladies
and gentlemen!

Russell Peters!

I think they want some more,
do you want more?

He can't hear you!

Here he is guys,
Russell Peters!

Since this is gonna
be for DVD release,

and for Comedy Central,

I don't know if this part will be on Comedy
Central, but this will definitely be on the DVD.

And it's probably the last time I'll do this
joke, 'cause I'm retiring it after this.

No, no, no, you can have it
on DVD, you cheap bastards!

Now listen, when this DVD
comes out, I don't want

you motherfuckers
to go and upload it and

start downloading this
shit for free, all right?

I know how you
are. Please!

Go and buy this.

This comes out,
buy this one.

There's gotta be a way
to make it unuploadable.

One of you bastards works
in IT. I know you do.

She says, ''Oh, I do, I do!''

''That's me!''

I'm gonna do this
right now for you.

White folks, I hope you've enjoyed
yourselves tonight so far...

Now I've talked about
white people a lot already.

But I gotta talk to you
a little bit more. 'Cause...

Because I gotta talk to you
about your parenting skills.

Everytime I see it on the news, I
get really irritated, when I hear the,

''You shouldn't beat your children.
Don't beat your kids. Talk to them."

''Give them a time-out.''

Beat the motherfuckers. That's
what I'm trying to tell you.

White folks, please
beat your children.

'Cause non-white parents
will beat their kids.

Your dad's Puerto Rican, your mom's black, they
must've whooped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh?

''Hey son, come here.''

"What's that for?''

''I know you did some
shit when I wasn't here.''

Mexican parents...

Indian parents aren't afraid to
kill their kids if they have to.

We're the 2nd largest
population in the world.

Reproduction's
not a big deal.

My dad's theory was:

''If I get rid of one, I'll
just make another one."

''Then I'll tell the new one what
an idiot the last one was."

You've gotta beat your
kids, folks. Please.

And I know a lot of white people don't
beat them and I don't understand why.

Please beat them. If you have
kids, and you haven't beaten them,

when you go home tonight,

shit, when you turn off this DVD,
I want you to go into your kids' room, and...

''Hey, buddy, how you
doing? Hey, sleeping.''

He's already lying down, he'll sleep it
off. Don't worry about it, alright?

You gotta beat them.
And I'll tell you why:

Because white kids are now going
to school with black kids,

and brown kids,
and Asian kids.

They're going to school
with multi-cultural kids.

And all those
kids get beaten.

And they'll all be hanging on
the playground. Having fun.

And they'll be talking about the
ass-whooping they got last night.

Black kid: ''My dad beat my ass!"

Indian kid: "My dad beat my ass, too.''

Asian kid: "I got my ass whooped.''

Do you want that
white kid to feel left out?

Beat him. So he's
not a social outcast.

White kid: ''I got sent
to my room.''

Other kids: ''You got a room?''

Beat them. And I'll tell you why
you need to beat them, why else?

Because...

When white kids hang
around with non-white kids,

we tend to look
at them for advice.

And it could get us murdered if we
listened to their fucked up advice.

On how to deal
with our parents.

I remember I was 10 years old, I hung
around this little white kid Ryan.

Ryan's parents
never beat him

and they never even yelled at him.
He could do anything he wanted

and nothing was gonna
happen to him.

But he was
an angry kid.

He was walking through his house
after school one day, his mom goes:

''Ryan, go clean your room.''

''Fuck you, bitch!''

His mom goes, "What am
I gonna do with him?"

Beat his ass!

I go, Ryan, you can't talk
to your mom like that.

''Yes I can, she's
a fucking idiot!''

Don't say that, man.
She'll hit you.

''No she won't. She's
not allowed to.''

What are you
talking about, dude?

My parents hit me.

''Well, next time they try it,
you tell them to fuck off.''

Are you sure?

''Trust me. It works for me.''

So I went home.

For the last time.

Walked in the house,
my dad goes,

''Russell, come and
do the dishes.''

Fuck you, Dad!

''What the hell did
you just say to me?''

''Do I look like
Ryan's mum?''

''Somebody gonna get-a hurt real bad.''

That was my dad's threat.

Right before he beat
me, every single time.

" Russell! Somebody gonna
get-a hurt real bad.''

I hated that threat.

You know why? 'Cause he'd
always say somebody.

He'd never tell
you it was you.

I mean you knew it was you.

But he'd give
you this hope.

''Russell! Somebody gonna
get-a hurt real bad.''

''Somebody.''

''I'm not gonna say who.''

''I think you might
know him very well!''

I'm in the back praying
I hope it's my brother, man.

''Please beat Julio's ass.''

I saw that little brat Ryan at
school a few days later. I was like,

Yo! Your little plan almost
got me killed. He goes,

''Sorry dude, I forgot to
tell you the other part.''

''If he's still gonna hit you,
threaten to phone child services.''

Why?

'''Cause if you phone child services,
they'll come and take your dad away,

and he'll get in trouble. You
won't even have to call. Just pretend.''

''It'll scare the
shit out of him.''

You're 10 years old, you figure out how
to scare the shit out of your dad?

That's like finding Kryptonite!

Thought I'd try it. I was about to get my
next beating. I stopped my dad to go,

Don't do it!

I'll phone child services.

You ever had your
parents call your bluff?

"You'll do what?"

I'll phone child services.

''Is that right?''

''Well, let me get you
the phone, tough guy!''

What are you doing?

If I phone child services,
you'll get in trouble!

''I might get into a
little bit of trouble.''

''But I know that it's going to take
them 22 minutes to get here.''

''In that time...''

''Somebody gonna get-a hurt real bad!''

Thank you very
much! Good night!

Subtitle by Nickoteen