Original subtitles

A little pause... and we are back.

Good afternoon.

This is the story of Charlotte and Brandon.

I'm so sorry.

This is the story of Charlotte and Brandon.

They love my TV show.

Oatmeal, exercise, well, sort of.

They both hate sleeping alone.

Beer and hairy nipples.

The good news is they are a perfect match.

The bad news is they have never met.

And Charlotte is with Stephen, while Brandon is with Ashley.

Oh, um...

Well, I can't marry you because I'm marrying somebody else in May.

You don't even have a boyfriend.

Actually, I do.

We've been together since high school for 14 years.

It's just that he's been living very far away,

and now he's moving back so we can be together.

14 years?

Sounds like commitment issues.

No, it's just that he was waiting until we were both ready to...

Why am I defending myself to a first grader?

Well, it all falls apart.

You know where to find me.

Look, Lance, we've done all the graphics for your

packaging and print ads at very reasonable rates.

We created the signature look for Be Yourself Cosmetics.

Now, it's great that your nephew's a whiz at

Photoshop, but believe me, there is just so much...

Screw you, Lance, and your oxymoronically named product and your mutton-headed

fuck-darn nephew!

Christ, are you off your meds?

That's our biggest account!

He's an asshole, Brandon.

Asshole!

Bro, I went to RISD, Mr. Seth MacFarlane.

I don't need that shit!

That asshole is paying off my student loans.

Yeah, and our bills.

Shit!

You think you can get him back on the phone?

I'm still here, you broke bitches!

For you.

Oh, thank you.

My pleasure.

You're a pretty decent drawer.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I have been called the Vermeer of napkin art.

Who?

Did I leave my amethyst necklace at your place?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I think I saw it in the bathroom.

Okay, remind me to get that from you.

So, my boss gave us free tickets to the Chargers game Sunday.

Wanna go?

Uh, 4.05 on a Sunday?

Okay.

I'll drive.

Yeah, you know, I'm not really into drunk crowds and football, and people.

Of course.

What does that mean?

You know, I have dated guys with commitment issues.

Lots of them.

Pretty standard stuff.

But you?

I can't even get you to commit to a football game.

Well, I don't like football.

It's not that.

It's everything.

You won't go to Coachella.

You won't move in together because that would be moving too fast.

You won't even book tickets to a cruise next

summer because a lot can happen in six months.

Those tickets are non-refundable.

And you're a cheapskate.

Which is why I thought you would like the free tickets in the first place.

I'm not cheap.

My money is tied up.

And I can't go to the game because I want to

start training for that Rwanda charity ride.

You know, where people are dying?

Yeah.

Like that's going to happen.

Ashley.

Ashley, what...

Okay.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Let's do it, Ashley.

You and me.

Coachella next year.

Oh, my God.

You have to see this house.

It has this entertainment room that would be so perfect for you to have your buddies

over so you can watch your football matches.

It's football games, not matches.

Anyways, there's a chef's kitchen, newly remodeled bathrooms.

There's a study that would make a perfect nursery.

I think I'm... maybe we should hold off on the house.

Why?

I just got here, you know, starting a new job.

There's a lot to figure out.

You don't have to figure us out, right?

You do.

Now, Charlotte, just wait a minute.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I am not waiting.

I waited through college, through med school, and through your residency.

That was the plan.

I know, I know.

And you have been so great through all of that.

Is there someone else?

Is it that Nurse Newcomb?

No.

No way.

Well, then what is it?

It's just you.

So predictable.

What the heck does that mean?

Up every morning at 6 a.m.

You have the same Honey Nut Oatmeal.

You're off to work, back home, then in bed by 10 o'clock.

You don't follow sports, sex, missionary position.

With the lights off, there's no surprises.

I'm bored out of my mind.

Well, I didn't know it was so horrible for you.

Well, that explains the engagement ring, the promise ring, and the pre-promise ring.

Okay.

Fourteen years, Steven.

In hindsight, I probably should have done this sooner.

Did you bring me up here so that I wouldn't make a scene?

Because I am going to make a scene.

I am going to tell everybody in town.

I'm going to announce it.

Okay, Charlotte, will you please just... I'm in a pub.

Calm down and hydrate, please.

Don't tell me to hydrate, you jackass!

Steven?

Are you okay?

Fuck no!

We find the defendant, Charlotte Wells, guilty of criminal assault and battery.

If you complete community service, anger management classes, and probation,

the felony charge will be expunged.

Sentence is 30 days in jail.

I got to live my... I tell you, I got to live my life.

Yes sir, motherfucker!

Goddamn fucking shit prison.

Ha!

I got to do me!

Fuck all y'all if you can't appreciate it!

Step off!

I think you are fucking Princess Elsa!

This is not goddamn Airedale, you skinny-ass bitch!

Ha!

What can I say?

She's a treacherous whore.

You're better off without her.

You're gonna give yourself a heart attack.

What have you gone...

A mile and a half.

Shit, you're in terrible shape.

I bought this bike so that I could get fit and do the Rwanda ride.

You ever see me use it?

No.

The whore's right, Dad.

I can't commit to anything, especially women.

Which explains why I've had 50 girlfriends in the past 10 years.

I can get them, but I can't keep them.

I want a lasting love, Dad.

I want to be married.

You have had a run of lousy luck with women.

Luck's got nothing to do with it.

It's me.

It has to be me.

I have to change, Dad.

Come on, champ.

You stink.

Let's go.

Get a shower.

Carly, I'm so sorry.

It's my prison reflexes.

Fuck!

That hurt!

Oh my God, you are so strong.

Is it sick that I envy you?

You're an ass-kicker now.

You look great.

You lost weight.

Man, I want to go to jail.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody should.

And it's so simple.

All you have to do is spend half your life in a

disastrous relationship and think about a felony.

Okay, none of which was your fault.

It was all my fault.

Look, okay, I read online that the average woman will

have four serious relationships before she gets married.

So at the rate you're going, you're not gonna

get married until you're, like, eighty-four.

You need to get right back on the horse.

How?!

I... I have nothing to offer.

Men just want some spontaneous, unpredictable sexual deviant.

Carly, you are giving men way too much credit.

They are simple beasts.

All they crave is sex, sports, beer, food, and sometimes a little anal.

Really?

Really.

Really?!

Really.

Okay.

If that is what men want, then that is what I'm going to give them.

Except that last part.

Not going to happen.

Yeah, yeah.

We've all seen the makeover sequence, so I won't bore you with it.

Kaepernick!

Vanning!

Breeze!

Care of the balls!

Work the shaft!

Yes!

You are now an expert on men.

Alright.

This is all the shit that he gave you over the last 14 years.

Throw away.

It's all online.

And... whatever the fuck this is.

Yeah, he got this at an infectious disease conference in Shanghai.

I kind of like it.

It's... it's going.

Yeah, this is disgusting.

It's disgusting.

Wow,

so you're a graphic designer.

You must be really artistic.

Well, I have been called the Vermeer of napkin art.

Wait.

What are you watching?

Oh, um... it's this silly show about this Swiss policewoman who is...

Schweizer Polizei Frau?

What?

Ja!

Friesendrecksack!

I binge-watched all seven seasons in like six days.

Yeah, I'm on season four.

Oh, there's great ones coming up.

We talked last night for four hours.

And I think he's a really nice guy.

Oh.

Do you think I should tell him about Steven?

If you never want to hear from him again...

Dating one guy your whole life might come off a little... Sad?

Freakish.

Like you were raised on a polygamous compound.

Don't show him the woman you were.

Show him the woman you're going to be.

You mean lie?

Hell yes, lie.

Don't tell her you have 56K in student loans.

Tell her you have a 10-inch schlong and you're the heir to the Walmart fortune.

It's the internet.

If you're not lying, you're not trying.

Hey!

Hey!

My last boyfriend?

Let's see... I was with him for 14 months.

Wow.

So brief.

Well, how long do your relationships normally last for?

Uh, you know, two, three years.

So you haven't been with that many women?

A handful.

You know, for me it's more about quality than quantity.

My biggest fault?

Sometimes I give too much, you know?

Whether it's work or relationships, I'm all in.

Kind of a warp speed ahead kind of guy.

And sometimes I'm so spontaneous... and unpredictable that people find it exhausting.

But I'm working on that.

I mean, maybe because I'm country, but there's nothing like a cold brewski, right?

Hell yeah!

Steelers, baby!

Big Ben is my boy!

The San Diego Superchargers!

Well, you're looking at the two-time salsa dancing champion of West Virginia.

Look, I'm not saying I'm Lance Armstrong or anything.

I'm kind of on the level just below him.

But cycling is my passion.

God, your food looks amazing!

Where did you learn to cook?

Oh, please, look at you, making your own pasta from scratch?

You have beautiful eyes.

Well, you have a very sexy smile.

Salud.

Salutes.

Oh, no!

God!

Hey!

Ah, no, no!

No, it's not what you think!

I just, I didn't have time to get dressed before... Me too.

I want you to come to L.A.

I'll pay for the ticket.

Look, I want you so bad, but I looked into tickets.

They're $700.

Or we can split it, if it feels like I'm coming on too strong.

This is gonna be so amazing!

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm here!

I can't believe you're here!

Oh, wait, I love your car!

Thanks!

I can't say that I like you.

So that's the Getty Villa, right there.

J.

Paul Getty was the world's richest man, but he had a payphone for all his houseguests.

Oh, God, what a cheapskate.

I hate that.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, isn't that that restaurant where all those celebrities hang out?

Yeah.

Have you ever been there?

Sure.

Oh, man, I bet it's amazing.

Didn't catch you.

It's chilly, huh?

Yeah.

Wanna head back?

Sure.

Or we could jump in the water.

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious!

Come on, Sharla, you just had a five-course meal.

You're not going for a swim.

No, come on, let's do it.

I've never even been in the ocean before,

and it would just be, like, absolutely crazy.

Hey, hey, listen to me.

We're not jumping off the pier.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you are completely insane.

Really?

Yes, you're crazy.

And you are the most exciting guy I have ever met.

Really?

Yeah.

Alright, Carly, let's see what you got me.

How does...

I don't...

I don't even understand that.

I've seen thicker dental floss.

You are one sexy bitch, Charlotte.

And you've had sex with a thousand men.

With a hundred men.

Twenty-three.

Eight.

You go in there and you are just gonna be a super sexy lady.

God, I look like my mom with these things.

Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

So you like it rough?

Huh?

Oh, no, I just... Because I can be really rough.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm rough.

I'm like, super rough.

Like, like this kind of rough?

Oh, you going for the sexy proctologist style?

Yeah, no, I dig that.

Yeah?

Is that all you got?

I mean, you're in luck because his two friends just decided to join the party.

Oh!

What are you thinking?

I was just thinking, um, I was just wondering if it's too soon to tell him

that, um, he's just the kind of man I've always wanted to be with.

Confident and, um, unhesitating.

Sure of what he wants.

Extremely handsome.

Wow.

And, um, it's gonna break my heart to get back on that plane.

Well, that's funny, actually, because I was just thinking that she is the most

exciting and spontaneous person I've met in my entire life.

Not to mention gorgeous.

Absolutely.

Bombshell.

Knockout.

And blonde, too.

Most blonde person.

And I was actually wondering if it's too soon to give her this.

And to tell her that I love her.

I know this is moving insanely fast, but she's not like the women here.

Is that a heel mark?

She's sexy and smart and we just had this...

this connection.

What did you get on the upholstery?

Oh, that's just salt water.

Is that what you kids are calling it?

You desecrated the stain.

Dude, I'll get it washed in wax.

Are you listening to what I'm saying?

I'm in love.

I can clearly see that you're excited and I'm very happy for you.

Really, I am.

Okay.

Yes.

You might want to keep this for your scrapbook.

Oh, yes.

That's your neck.

The smeller.

The smeller.

It's just the neck.

It's a neutral zone.

It's not appropriate.

Oh, God.

That's good.

And did you do the things that we talked about?

We did things that no one talks about.

Oh, and how did that go?

He gave me this.

Oh, my God.

And he told me that he loves me.

Oh, my God.

I know.

And I told him that I loved him too, which I know seems

really like crazy and rushed, but it was just so magical.

That no good mother...

You know what?

Good for him.

Good for him.

He deserves to be happy, Shar.

You know, he deserves...

I know what you're going to say, and I'm going to be fine, because I'm

happy, and he's happy... Charlotte!

...and everybody's happy.

Charlotte!

Oh, my God!

No.

You can't cause an avalanche just by yodeling.

No, I am telling you, it is completely possible.

That's not true.

You can't!

You can't!

And even if you could, you can't make it fall right on a fleeing bank robber.

Schweizerpolize, Frau Kahn.

Yeah, well...

Hey, I made something at work today.

You mind taking a look?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, is that me?

Looking good.

Aw, thank you.

It's beautiful.

It would be the most unpredictable thing ever.

It would be the ultimate commitment.

We want a divorce.

Between the two of you?

Yeah.

Well, I'll be.

Usually I represent only one party's interests.

We have the same interests.

An immediate divorce.

Well then, I reckon we ought to discuss dividing property, assets...

We don't have any.

How long you two been hitched?

Ten days.

Ten days?

Aw, thank you so much, Carly.

Thanks, Carly.

It's awesome.

Oh, and that is from us.

Oh.

Thank you.

Aw.

Thank you very much.

That's so sweet, Jerry and Judy.

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad.

That's, uh...

No, the people of Tibet thank you.

It's such a noble gesture in your name.

Though it has none of the bourgeois cachet of a shiny kitchen appliance.

Anyway, speaking of exotic places, have you guys

finally decided where you're gonna take your honeymoon?

Not yet.

Uh, I start teaching really soon, and we have to find a bigger apartment.

Or maybe a house.

Oh, wow.

So, uh, we have to put that on hold.

No, no, no.

You must do something special, Brandon.

Sri Lanka is lovely.

Ooh.

As far as, uh, exploited, underdeveloped island nations go,

it's really the sad teardrop of the Indian subcontinent.

But the beaches are beautiful.

Well, that sounds fun, right, honey?

Oh, yeah.

It's a shame about all the tsunamis.

I tell you what, though, for special, there's

some great spots right within driving distance.

I mean, you know, San Diego, Santa Barbara, Pismo.

Oh, what about you?

Where did you, where did you two go on your honeymoon?

Jail.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm kidding.

After we exchanged our vows, we went off to a no-nukes rally.

She acted up.

Oh.

And the po-po picked us up and threw us both in the slammer.

So you spent your whole honeymoon in jail?

We'd only known each other for ten days, so every

minute we spent together was like a honeymoon.

Mm.

And we actually managed to slip a little

connubial bliss in right under the man's nose.

So we're in adjacent cells, all right?

And right after, all the other inmates went to sleep.

My beautiful bride, she backed her tight little rump right up against the bars.

I dropped trial, and we made the sweetest, sweetest love.

Oh, oh Christ, I need a drink.

You know, being an only child and losing both my parents,

I definitely want a big family, like three or four kids.

You know, they say it costs a quarter of a million

to raise a child, and that's before college.

You just, you can't put a price tag on happiness.

True, but I was an only child, and I have to say, I was very happy.

Oh, come on, Brandon.

He used to always want a younger brother.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, Brandon was an accident.

We thought long and hard about whether or not we should keep him.

And you were going to put him up for adoption?

Oh God, no, I wouldn't have the heart for that.

We were going to abort him.

Jesus.

But we were in Burma.

We couldn't find anybody to perform the procedure.

Thank God.

I think we made the right decision.

I do, too.

Most of the time.

Oh, Jerry.

Hey, you know, we better get going.

We got a flight to catch.

We gotta get to Buenos Aires.

Aww, leaving so soon.

We're going to Antarctica.

We're gonna scuttle some Japanese whale killers.

If it were up to me, I would have those boats sunk in the

ocean and have any remaining survivors fed to the sharks.

I hear you.

I respect your feelings.

Now get your things.

We gotta go.

We're gonna be late.

Charlie, it's been so lovely meeting you.

Likewise.

Carly, till next time.

Okay, let's go.

She gets so bloodthirsty when it comes to the Japanese.

Those are some weird fucking people.

Okay.

I don't know.

They're... unique.

It's kind of refreshing.

You need to be thankful that their DNA skipped a generation.

God, isn't... Sabrina's pretty amazing, right?

You did good, girl.

And you can't freak if he finds out that you're a jailbird.

Because with parents like that, he was probably conceived in the joint.

Why would you tell Charlotte this thing is yours?

You're the one who told me to lie.

When you're trying to lure her to the honeypot.

You can't keep it going now that you're married.

It's insane.

Just let me break it to her slowly, okay?

Can you... can you go along with it for a couple more weeks?

Come on, man.

You have another car.

Please, I'll owe you.

With what?

You don't have any money.

Which you also told me not to tell her about.

And now she's talking to me about honeymoons and houses and kids.

You screwed up, man.

You took my advice.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

You can take the staying for a couple of more weeks.

But if I see you drive in more than twice, I will bring down your house a car.

Understood.

Thanks.

I'll see you at dinner.

No, this is yours now.

You have to take care of it.

Our first dinner party as a married couple.

What are you making?

Well, I thought maybe you could make your homemade pasta.

I remember on our honeymoon, we went to a movie

in Maui and Dan was playing with his wedding ring.

It fell off and rolled on the floor.

Ting, ting, ting, ting.

We had to wait till the movie was over and then searched for

all this popcorn and crud and found it in a puddle of Pepsi.

She was really mad.

And then the next week he does it again.

And then she punched me right in the dick.

You're lucky I didn't divorce you.

It turns out you done it intentionally.

What?

Well, yeah, so I had tied it to a string and I was

pulling it along and she kept falling afterwards.

It was really amazing.

Oh, my God.

Weren't you furious?

Yes.

But then I realized that this is who Dan is and that's why I love him.

That's why she loves me.

He's a lovable jackass.

My ass is very jacked.

Moving on.

Okay.

Brandon, what is your biggest regret?

My choice of best friends.

I'm just being honest.

I guess maybe not visiting my grandpa enough before he died.

He was living in this nursing home like a mile from our house and I don't know.

I guess I was just too busy being a teenager or something.

Anyway, I hope he forgave me.

Of course he did.

He knew you loved him.

Okay, I'm going to say what we're all thinking four-way.

Hey.

Hey, how come you never wore that necklace I gave you?

Don't you like it?

I love it.

I absolutely love it.

You know what else I love?

That pretty little ass of yours.

You remember the three amigos?

No, solo mis amigos.

They're my friends.

Freezer-Drecksack!

Swiss police woman.

What are you working on?

Welfare application.

You?

A suicide note.

Touché.

Screw it.

I guess I'm going to call that slimy prick Matthew and see if he'll throw us a bone.

Oh man, that's going to suck.

You just know he's going to make you feel like a pathetic, shit-eating failure.

I'll call for you.

I'm just so glad I found it.

I had to go to ten different stores.

And it cost $1,200.

At that price, I think I would just come clean.

Yeah, I wanted to, but you spent so much money on it.

And, I don't know, he picked that himself, which I think is really sweet.

So, you must be looking forward to getting back to work, huh?

Yes, I am so excited to be back in the classroom with kids.

It's going to be nice to have income coming in, too.

Speaking of which, I was thinking that we could start planning our honeymoon.

You know, maybe go on my spring break?

What do you think about Aruba?

Yeah, that's fine.

But what about Catalina?

Catalina, huh?

It's 26 miles across the sea.

It is beautiful.

It's, uh, I mean, it's where Natalie Wood drowned.

Sounds romantic.

Hey, you know what?

I think we have to have a couple drinks tonight.

Celebrate your last couple days of leisure.

What do you say?

I like that.

Here, let me do that.

All right.

Get out there.

Make me proud.

Just show me some of those tricks.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's about to shame, bruise, and soil himself.

God.

Brandon, are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I meant to do that.

Oh, God.

Hey, Brandon.

Got you a little something for the Neelyweds.

Oh, Mel, thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Shots.

To all your lucky students.

To my sweet husband.

And all my bros and hoes.

Yeah.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Could I get Charlotte Conroy on the dance floor?

What?

Did he just say my name?

I guess.

What did you tell him?

Yeah, we won't put your hands together right here.

Miss Charlotte, the dancing machine Conroy, salsa

champion, world champion in the house tonight.

It's you.

What did you do?

I may have exaggerated a little bit.

I know you didn't want to show off at the wedding, but now I get to see your stuff.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

And that is all the salsa Charlotte knows.

But tragically, she dances on.

Well, look who's here.

The asshole who almost smothered me to death.

Ashley.

You would still hang out here, you cheap bastard.

I'm just kidding.

I come here too.

Ashley, uh, I am... You are not still mad at me, are you?

Okay, Charlotte, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Very interesting dance.

Hey, honey.

Who's your friend?

Ashley.

Charlotte.

Charlotte Conroy.

Was that your sister?

No, his wife.

I'm sorry.

You're married?

Since when?

Four days ago.

We used to date until he went all feigning goat on me.

Oh, I see.

What the fuck?

That's my necklace.

Oh, shit.

What the hell, Brandon?

Brandon?

Yeah, I left it at his place.

He never gave it back to me.

Is that true?

Shut up.

Told ya.

Okay, this isn't your necklace.

The hell it isn't.

Oh, fuck.

No, listen.

Your necklace I grabbed up in the garbage disposal.

Bullshit.

Listen, I was freaked out because I found out my ex-fiancee got married.

Ex-fiancee?

Okay, like, you have the right to speak.

You gave me this skank's necklace.

Oh, my God.

This is hilarious.

You want to know what I think?

No.

I can't do anything.

Can you hear me?

John, can you do anything?

Uh, stop!

Look at it this way.

Most women our age have a lot of wear and tear

on them, but you got her from the original owner.

She's in mint condition.

Anyway, you really trumped her on that necklace debacle.

What were you thinking?

I don't know, man.

Never the twain she'll meet.

Okay, once, when Rena and I were married for maybe two months, she asked me if this

dress she was wearing made her butt look big.

I told her...

Yes, but I like big butts.

You know, I'm a black man.

It nearly ruined us.

But it didn't.

Uh, it took some work.

And that's what you gotta do, man.

You gotta make some sort of grand gesture, alright?

Something repentant and sweet.

Maybe a little pathetic thrown in there.

And with any luck, it'll all be forgotten about.

In a few years.

Come on!

God, it was so humiliating.

So you both screwed up.

You each take a gimme and move on.

I just got an email from him.

Oh my gosh, it's so sweet.

He just sent me the cutest apology.

Hey, he's a peach.

Do something nice for him tonight, guys, aren't you?

Oh, that sight was nasty.

Exactly.

This is ridiculous.

They've been making this racket for hours.

What in the hell are they trying to prove?

Dan, maybe you should come to bed.

Yeah, in a minute.

No!

Oh my God.

That was incredible.

Okay.

I gotta pee.

I'm sure it's nothing serious.

You haven't had problems down there before, have you?

Never.

Brandon Conroy?

Hello, Mr. Conroy.

Hi.

I'm Dr. Sonny.

Oh, yeah.

I normally see Dr. Kurtzman.

Oh, he retired.

Five or six months ago.

This is my first week.

Welcome.

So, what's the problem?

It's like someone took a sandblaster to my boomstick.

Let's have a look.

Oh my God.

This looks like something I saw in my tropical disease seminar.

How long has it been like this?

Just since this morning.

And before that, was your penis normal?

Or has it always been disfigured?

No, normal.

It's normal.

Do you work with toxic chemicals?

No.

Have you recently spent time in the African bush?

No.

Have you had sex with any prostitutes from that region?

No.

Any exposure to monkey feces?

Monkey feces?

So, no interspecies intercourse?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

No!

Mr. Conroy, I am going to need the names of all your sexual partners.

Get Dr. Palmer down here right away to look at Mr. Conroy.

We have a possible miasmic STD of unknown origin.

Is it that serious?

He's had sex with 21 women in the last four years.

Go, go.

Go, go.

I've never seen anything like this before.

It's like a mix of genital herpes...

syphilis and a gunshot wound.

Maybe it's a mutant hybrid.

Did you ask about monkey feces?

I did.

And negative.

Sterile swab.

Whoa.

What's up with the swab?

I'm going to insert this into your urethra, get a culture, run a test,

and see if we can't figure out what's going on with you.

Okay?

Okay.

Hmm.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, God.

There we go.

It wasn't so bad, was it?

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

We got another one.

No, that's good.

I'm sure that's fine.

Come on.

Three-second rule, right?

It's okay.

Let's try this again, shall we?

Please, no.

Hey.

Oh, sweetie.

Thank God you're here.

How are you doing, honey?

They don't know what I have.

Well, I'm sure everything will be okay once they figure

out which one of your 21 sluts gave you the disease.

Whatever happened to quality over quantity?

The numbers don't matter.

I always wore condoms.

Except with you.

Oh, please.

I only slept with one man for 14 years.

But who did he sleep with, huh?

You are so full of shit.

I'm his wife.

Oh, yes.

I imagine so.

I'm Dr. Dietz.

Now, let's see what all this excitement's about.

You already checked for monkey feces, right?

I did.

Mr. Conroy, you have cystitis.

Oh, God.

Shit.

Commonly known as Honeymooners' disease.

From too much intense sexual activity.

You just need to give it a try.

Give the little fella a rest.

Avoid sex for four or five days.

Only touch it when absolutely necessary.

And you'll be right as rain in no time.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank you.

You can put that down.

I'm sorry.

So let me get this straight.

They swabbed your schlong twice.

Yet they didn't have to.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

That is marriage in a nutshell.

Isn't it?

Mrs. Halverson.

I was just getting ready for tomorrow.

I'm afraid there's a problem.

We just received your background check.

You were arrested for a felony.

But I received a deferred adjudication.

I wasn't convicted.

I was still able to teach in West Virginia.

Obviously, we hold a higher standard here at Van Nuys Christian.

I'm an excellent teacher.

I've been teaching for... I'm sorry.

Maybe if you hadn't been dishonest.

But we're going to have to terminate your contract.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to lie.

I was just trying to make a good impression.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to Jesus.

You're still upset about what happened yesterday, aren't you?

Yeah.

I mean, no.

Look, we've both made mistakes.

And I don't think we should judge each other for things that happened before we met.

Yeah, no.

I completely agree.

The past is the past.

And we should just be looking forward to the road ahead together.

At least it's all out in the open now.

Look, I want to tell you.

I need to tell you that I agree 100%.

Good.

Oh, this is one of my favorite episodes.

Have you seen this one?

No, no.

Oh, no.

This is a classic.

You are doomed, you piece of shit.

I was a policewoman.

I could have fallen in love with you.

I only live by the law.

Ah, I won a Golden Heidi for that episode.

I'll be right back.

Hey.

Packed your lunch for you.

Oh, my God.

Where did you find this?

Ah, I made it.

Knock him dead, honey.

I feel like such a scam artist.

I'm not built for this kind of deception.

OK, well, why don't you just find another job real

quick and then tell Brandon you got a better offer.

Finding one's not the problem.

No problem.

I have an interview at 12.

I just... I mean, what's the point?

They're gonna vet me, too.

No one wants to let some low-down ex-con near their children.

No!

I got it!

Okay.

Your middle name is Lauren, right?

So why don't you spell it L-A-U-R-A-N instead

of E-N and then your record won't come up.

Would that really work?

I don't know.

What do you gotta lose?

You know what?

Nothing.

You're right.

You are absolutely right.

Thank you so much.

You are a total genius.

My car won't start!

Oh, okay.

Why don't you just call Brandon real quick and then ask him...

I'll call Brandon and ask him to take me to a job interview

when I'm supposed to be at a job that I already have.

Oh, goodbye!

Shit.

Shit.

Hey, Charlotte.

Hi, Dan.

Bye, Dan.

Bye.

No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Damn it!

Eight years teaching first grade, volunteer for

the Red Cross, Girl Scout camp summer leader.

Oh!

You went to UWV.

Yeah.

Proud Mountaineer here.

You too?

Teal pride.

Oh, is Professor Vasek still there?

Oh, yes.

I loved him.

He was, he was amazing.

Well, I know you had an excellent education.

Actually, Mrs. Newton, there's something that I need to tell you.

Um...

Hey, Brandon.

Hey, bro.

Look, there's no easy way to say this, man.

A senior project manager over at Plan C is moving the building.

We're moving to London, so Matthew called and offered me the job.

What can I say, man?

I'm a weasel.

I'm a weasel and I'm a sellout.

Wow.

Thanks.

No bullshit.

I fought for you.

I swear, man.

Look, I'm old.

I got alimony payments up the wing.

You can still use the office if you want.

No.

It's your garage and all.

Yeah.

And, uh...

So I just, I wanted to be completely upfront.

I appreciate your can to Charlotte.

And I like to think that we're a little more forgiving

than the Christians over at Van Nuys Christian School.

So, I'll get back to you.

Okay.

Hi, um, I, I am... I need to report a stolen car, or a missing car.

I don't know where it is.

Um...

I, I don't know the license plate number.

Look, it's, it's a Mustang.

It's really old.

It's, uh, uh, there can't be that many of them.

I, look, I was really hoping that maybe you could help me

find this car before my husband finds out that it's missing.

Oh, my God.

Call Brandon Conroy.

Girl.

No, stop!

Stop!

Charlotte!

Charlotte!

Charlotte!

Dan, something horrible has happened.

What?

Brandon's Mustang was stolen.

No, not the Mustang.

Yeah, he is going to be furious.

Did you call the police?

Yes, and when I didn't know the license plate number, they just laughed at me.

Do you, do you happen to know the number?

Yes, I do.

I'm so crazy about that stupid car, anyways!

But I thought you loved it!

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's fun to cruise around in

sometimes, but, I mean, come on, it's ridiculous.

It's just some loud, gas-guzzling, middle-aged mobile for men with tiny dicks.

Charlotte Conroy!

I need to see her!

Put it back!

No, I had a GPS tracker on it.

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

Dan, thank you so much!

Thank you so much!

You totally saved my life!

Wait, why do you have it?

It's mine!

It's mine, Charlotte!

It's always been mine!

It wasn't stolen!

I just took it back!

But the car belongs to Brandon.

No, it doesn't!

He borrowed it from me!

I, I guess he was trying to impress you.

Why would that impress me?

Um, I don't know.

Maybe because it makes him look cool, and a little less broke.

Brandon's broke?

I shouldn't say anything.

I'm so sorry.

I...

He's worse than broke.

He's in, like, debt.

Calamitous, crushing debt.

You know what?

You know, I'm glad I'm saying something.

This is for his own good.

I feel better.

Charlotte no longer works here.

What?

We had to let her go.

She has a felony for assault and battery.

It's shocking that someone so well-mannered could be so vicious.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

What was up with that phone call today?

Oh, uh, sorry.

Someone almost backed into my car.

Oh.

But you're okay now?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's good.

So how was work?

Good day with all the kids?

Yeah, great.

How about you?

Make lots of money?

Yeah.

That's good.

By the way, your Aunt Sally Mae wrote.

She'd like her $56,000 back.

Why are you going through my mail?

Well, don't you mean our mail, dear?

We're married.

We share everything.

Including a buttload of debt.

Huh.

You want to share?

Okay.

Let's share.

Tell me about the felony you committed, darling.

What?

You know, that thing you lost your job over.

You don't understand.

No, I think I do.

Assault and battery.

It's right there in the title.

Pretty self-explanatory.

It was my ex-fiancé.

Oh!

Well, that should help me sleep at night.

It wasn't ex-fiancé!

And you know what?

I wasn't convicted.

And at least I paid my debt to society.

Unlike you.

Student loans aren't a crime.

They are if you don't pay them!

Whoa!

Please don't stab me with your shiv.

They'll send you back to the joint, sweetheart.

At least there, you know who people are.

Then why don't you call your warden and get your old bunk back?

I have let a lot of shit slide.

Like what?

You don't know the first thing about cooking.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is not the quarterback for the San Diego Chargers.

And you, sir, are no Lance Armstrong.

Three words.

Salsa dancing champion.

Oh, and how long did you think that you could pretend that stupid car was yours?

Goddamn, Dan.

And the worst part?

The worst part is that you made me look like an idiot in front of Dan and Rita.

They're like the only friends that I have in this miserable place.

Hey, you make me look like an idiot, too.

I didn't know who I married.

Are you this sweet, adorable schoolteacher

or some deranged ripter come to ruin my life?

Well, if you really feel that way, then maybe, maybe we should just both

admit that we made a mistake and then just split ways.

You know what?

Maybe we should.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

How long you two been hitched?

Ten days.

Ten days?

Are you celebrities of some sort?

No.

Peculiar.

So, how do we get this thing started?

Well, first of all, let me be clear.

I'm acting as a neutral third party helping to negotiate a fair settlement.

There's nothing to negotiate.

We're in complete divorce agreement.

That's the only thing we're in agreement on.

Fair enough.

I'll drop the contract and y'all can come by next Thursday and sign it.

Thursday?

Why not today?

Uh, don't you have any generic forms lying around like divorcezoom.com?

Generic forms?

Ever.

Divorce is unique.

Regardless of race, religion, or sexual preference.

Now, how would you like to handle my fee?

We'll split it.

You got that much or do you need to get another loan?

You sure Thursday's the best you can do?

So, where are you staying?

What?

It's my apartment.

I gave up my job, my home, and my best friend for you.

I'm not leaving the apartment and I'm not paying you rent.

Well, you better start cooking or cleaning or, you know, doing something.

Asshole!

And your car sucks!

Will I watch you wake up in the morning forgetting the love from the night before?

Was it whiskey who kissed me and promised to be my lover forevermore?

I thought that it was you.

Was I wrong?

Have I longed for you too long?

Sorry for loving you, darling, I'm moving along.

I'm so sorry, Char.

Men are such turds.

I said I'm sorry for loving you, darling, I'm moving along.

Let's go.

No, no.

We're waiting for the reinforcements.

Just organize four ambulances.

No, there are five of them.

I know.

It's Christmas.

I'm in a good mood.

And then what you want to think, you want to subtract

the top number from the other one you got right there.

Okay.

You got it!

Awesome!

Good job!

Sue me for loving you, darling, I'm moving along.

I said sue me for loving you.

I'll just be moving along.

Frozen dregsack!

Yodeling!

Frozen dregsack.

Have a great day at work.

Love you!

All I wanna do is be good to you And you say you don't know if you want it If you

want me to be bad No, I haven't done much, um, any animated porn.

But I am a fast learner.

And I love animation.

And porn.

So, uh, win-win.

Okay, well please keep me in mind.

Thank you.

Sue me for loving you, I'll just be moving along.

Surprise!

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, son!

Wow!

Uh, I didn't expect...

How was Antarctica?

Amazing.

Your mother was the hero.

She devised a scheme to foul the prop of the niche in Nauru.

And your father was shot in the balls by one of the Japanese deckhands.

With a rubber bullet.

It swelled up like coconuts.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Looking good, boy!

So good to see you!

Yeah!

Looking good.

Hey,

what'd you tell him?

About what?

About us.

About the divorce.

When?

They haven't stopped talking since they got here.

Oh, thank God.

You're gonna have to tell them.

Well, not tonight.

It's my birthday.

Plus, it's humiliating.

Their marriage has lasted 32 years.

Ours lasted about as long as a Hobbit movie.

Happy birthday, son.

My charitable works continue, I see.

What's this?

Two tickets to Tahiti for an all-inclusive stay at Brando.

It's a luxury eco-resort.

I could have been a contender.

Because my son and his beautiful bride deserve the absolute best.

Honeymoon that money can buy.

Speaking of honeymoons, you know your father and

I are undergoing a bit of a second one right now.

Let's just say we're experiencing a refreshed sense of sexual energy.

It's exploring our aging bodies.

So many delicious new cavities to explore.

Well, it's a very thoughtful gift, and I thank you very much.

It's thoughtful, isn't it, Charlotte?

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you so much.

Okay, let's have a photo.

Hold up your present.

This isn't the Middle East peace talks.

How about a kiss?

Lovely.

I'm sensing a little bit of disharmony.

I'm sorry, I'm just feeling a bit, um... Yeah, I know.

Is it Brandon?

You know, because he's a sweet boy, but he can also be a massive pain in the ass.

Trust me, I know.

No, it's not just him.

It's just that we...

You know, we both weren't as honest as we should have been.

Well, I remember when Jerry and I met.

He thought I was a Democrat and a virgin.

The truth is...

I was in love with Reagan, and I'd slept with half the boys in the neighborhood.

Ha ha ha.

So you... Well, I told him what I thought he wanted to hear.

Which was not the truth.

I...

You... Lied.

Yes, guilty as charged.

But when I met him, I knew he was special.

So all of this nonsense just came babbling out of me.

And how did you...

I eventually found the courage...

to tell him what was in my head and in my heart.

And that's been the glue of our relationship from that day forward.

You sure you don't want some of this?

It's Peruvian hog's breath.

They grow it above treeline.

Sweet.

Nah.

I'm good.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm not really in the mood.

Why so glum, Sonny Jim?

I don't know, Dad.

Marriage is hard.

You have a keen grasp of the obvious.

I think mine was just a bad idea from the start.

Brandon...

Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself...

Did I do the right thing marrying that woman?

It's not very romantic, Dad.

It is when the answer's always yes.

Ah... Ah...

Ah... Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

Sweetie, what's wrong?

Are you okay?

Yeah, Mom.

No, I'm fine.

I just have a headache, that's all.

I think I've got something for that.

Oh, you've always got something for something.

Great.

Why do you have a DEA property room around your waist?

Oh, I would love to know.

That's why I've got this.

Window, penicillin, peyote, shrooms, mescaline, ecstasy, hashish, and Viagra.

It's our mobile first aid kit.

Recently replenished at Tierra del Fuego.

You know, they have a very enlightened attitude towards psychotropics.

Here it is.

Ginger root.

Yeah, Dad.

You have any Advil?

Advil?

That's fucking poison.

Oh, shit!

Oh, God.

What?

Good morning, Charlotte.

This is...

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Hi.

Good.

What a woman you are.

Um, yeah, I would love to.

Thank you.

Well, we West Virginia gals have to stick together.

I'll email you the details.

Okay, great.

Oh, and bring that charming and supportive husband of yours.

Yeah, of course.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I will see you there.

Thanks.

Bye.

First, you want to tell my parents, we're getting divorced.

And now you want me to go to a garden party and pretend we're happily married.

Brendan, just please.

If I get this job, that I'll have enough money and I can move out.

Okay.

That makes sense.

So nice to see you again.

Oh, Charlotte.

So good you could make it here.

Thank you for having us.

You're welcome.

Welcome.

Mrs. Newton, this is my husband, Brandon.

Very nice to meet you.

And this is our host and the head of the board, Dr. Glenn Wooster and his mother,

Lillian Cavendish Wooster.

Nice to meet you.

You know, Charlotte has been teaching first grade for over eight years.

You don't find it challenging to be around children all day?

Oh, God, no.

I mean, I just, I love kids so much.

They're so honest and entertaining.

I have this one student, Emily.

Every day, anywhere she went, she always had her two Barbie dolls at her side.

And on her birthday, I asked her what she

wanted, and she told me she wanted more Barbies.

And so I asked Emily, I was like, well, you

already have Barbies, why do you need more?

And she said, because my Barbies smoke and drink way too much.

Excuse me.

Oh, sure.

So I just, I don't know, they're just, they're so much fun

and you never know what they're going to say or do next.

Brandon.

What was that?

What was that?

You know, it's just, it's so good to meet you.

It was so good to meet you.

Hey.

Hey.

Got you a beer.

Thanks.

You know, I really don't like beer.

Really?

Yeah.

Neither do I.

At last the truth.

American beers taste like scheisse.

Mr. Wooster, I don't know what the philosophy of your school

is, but my wife and I are big supporters of construction.

Yes, you know, we really like the notion that the teachers are facilitating the

students to interact among themselves, instead of merely

lecturing at them as they sit and become passive listeners.

And having the students realize that everyone has something to contribute,

everyone has a value.

You must have read our website.

No, we have a son who attended a school that was based on constructivism.

And we could not be happier with the way he turned out.

Cheers.

I think you made a very good impression.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Keep it up.

And by the way, your in-laws are fabulous.

Yeah, they're something.

Oh, my daughter's here.

She's visiting from Morgantown.

Hi, honey.

Hi, mom.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, Charlotte Conroy would like to introduce you

to my daughter, Anais, and her husband, Steven.

Hi there.

Steven.

So predictable.

Sex.

Missionary position.

Asshole.

Pleasure to meet you.

Purse is in the dishwasher.

Mother.

This is wonderful.

So lovely what you put together here.

Grilled shrimp?

I guess it must have taken you a very long time to drive back from Rwanda.

Sorry.

Would you excuse me?

Hey, honey.

Oh, look at that.

Let's go for a walk.

Hey.

You feeling okay?

Do you want to play doctor?

Okay.

Charlotte, what is going on there?

I forgot to feed my cat.

Oh, boy.

Charlotte, talk to me.

Charlotte?

Hey.

Hey.

Brandon.

What the hell are you two doing here?

Came to help Charlotte.

This is very important to her.

We know.

We know everything.

That's why we've come here.

We don't want you to make a terrible mistake and throw away your soul partner

before the cosmos is... Well, wait a second.

Wait a minute.

Are you two high?

Brandon.

Of course we are.

Oh, my God.

You don't think that we would turn up to something like this straight?

We've been fighting these people our entire

lives with their bourgeois pretentiousness.

And anal bleaching.

I know.

We've been fighting these people our entire

lives with their bourgeois pretentiousness.

Would you folks care for some conflict-free

Ugon-Archo confit on Lardo-Brush-Christini?

No!

I'm so sorry.

They is not.

Mrs. Conroy, how's the new bride?

Couldn't be better.

Do I sense trouble in paradise?

Not now, Steven.

Charlotte, this isn't you.

What?

What do you mean?

I'm so sorry.

Not now, Steven.

I hurt you very badly.

And your life has taken an ugly turn.

I apologize.

You obviously married the first guy you met after me.

Where was it?

Dating website?

Singles bar?

Old Navy?

No!

Ebay.

Good God.

You bought a husband online?

No!

We met online and then fell in love and got married.

And not after 14 years, Steven.

Look, not all the changes are bad.

Clothes, hair...

Do you think about me, Charlotte?

Because I think about you.

Of course I think about you.

We spent half our lives together.

The whale song.

The whale song.

The mating cry of the humpback.

Let's get you in the house, mother.

And you can take a nice little nap.

How dare you!

Let's go, mother.

Oh, I miss your father so much.

Steven.

Yes?

You are such an asshole.

Is that all it took?

You want me now that I am with someone else?

There's more to it than that, Charlotte.

Oh yeah, really?

Like what?

And you?

You better be quick because my husband is right outside that door.

And so is your wife, that poor woman.

I mean, you don't even understand.

Anais, she is so spontaneous and unpredictable.

One minute we are snowboarding in Telluride, the

next we are making love in a Mexican agave field.

I miss your predictability.

I miss the quiet, boring times, the unimaginative sex, all of it.

I never appreciated it until it was gone.

Well, it's never coming back.

Ever.

Hey, I just got a new job in D.C.

Let's leave these two horrible, disgusting

mistakes behind and get back to our old lives.

My husband is not a mistake.

Yes, we rushed into marriage and things haven't been perfect.

And after ten ridiculous days, things are just blowing up in our faces.

But there have been moments.

In between all of the lies and the bullshit where I have

loved him more than I've ever loved anybody in my entire life.

Including you.

So, it's over.

Perfect.

No, Steven.

Hey, I dare you to kiss me one more time and tell me you don't love me.

Sorry, Steven.

But as we say in the yard, I gotta do me.

So fuck all y'all if you can't appreciate it.

Fuck Y'all.

Fuck all y'all.

Mr. Wooster, I want to apologize for earlier.

My wife threw her back out and I was giving her an adjustment.

Anyway, we really love this school and would like to make a small donation.

I don't see how that's gonna make any difference.

This is very generous.

Thank you very much.

I'm gonna find Mrs. Newton and tell her the good news.

Wasn't that check for Brandon?

Our son's not very good with money anyway, so it doesn't matter.

An investment in her future... ...is an investment in their future.

You mean what you said in there?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

I... I don't know.

Hey.

Hey.

Wow.

Looks like you could use a little first aid, my friend.

All hail.

All hail the Chosen One.

Who's he there?

Tis I, my lord.

Pegamonius Kando of the Nexusix Spacing Guild.

I have traveled nearly twelve parsecs to find you.

Ah... Okay.

You are the rightful heir to the throne of Nargathus.

The Star Child as foretold in our prophecies.

A magnificent creature of unlimited wisdom and breathtaking physical perfection.

Yeah... I get that.

The Great Epiphany is at hand.

Reveal your magnificence to the members of the Culver City Charter School Board.

And then the world.

Let them kowtow at your feet.

Worship you.

Tremble at your unlimited power.

I must tell you how delighted we all are about

the substantial donation from your in-laws.

Well, they are very surprisingly generous people.

Well, I can tell you there's a lot we can do with those funds.

Loyal subjects!

I am your unicorn!

I am your unicorn king!

By the powers vested in me through the flames of Azanoth, I command you!

Kneel!

Kneel before your unicorn king!

That guy's fucking crazy.

The time is nigh.

The season is in bloom.

I call upon you subjects to step forth and harvest this royal seed!

Grrrr!

Grrrr!

Grrrr!

Grrrr!

Grrrr!

Stephen!

What the hell are you doing?

Fair Anais, Stephen is no more.

Your milk has soured.

Look upon me as I raise the imperial sceptre.

Mommy, Batman is nasty.

Prepare to receive me!

Bam!

Freezing Drexac?

That had to hurt.

And, as I was saying, could you come in on Monday?

Oh, we would be honored to have a young moment

of your character at Culver City Charter.

I'd love to.

Thank you so much.

Oh my god, thank you.

Thank you.

What in the world got into Stephen?

I don't know.

Any ideas?

Food poisoning, perhaps?

I think the artichoke confit looked a little sketchy.

Since there's no dispute over assets or property, just sign and it's done.

You'll never have to see one another again.

That line right there.

The one with your name next to it.

I know.

On second thought, I, uh...

I want the Chinese rocket statue.

Alrighty.

If you agree, Mr. Conroy, we're done here.

No.

No, I can't part with that.

Well, what if you all...

share joint custody?

Each of you take it for a week or two at a time.

No, that won't work.

Can't you just buy a second statue?

That way y'all can each have your own.

No.

No, it's one of a kind.

Well, bless your hearts.

Now, I don't mean to be rude, but I gotta be getting out to Malibu.

I'm having lunch at Girard's.

Try the lobster.

It's delicious.

And not cheap.

Can we please get this thing going?

Hey, don't rush our divorce, man.

Yeah.

You know, maybe we should get lunch, too.

Yeah.

I mean, we shouldn't sign this on an empty stomach.

Right.

Now, hold on a second.

What about your signatures?

Damn it, the hell.

The wheels are coming off the wagon.

This divorce is falling apart.

I blame her.

It's his fault.

This ends now.

I'm getting out of here, and you're not stopping me.

And so concludes our story.

Poor Charlotte and Brandon.

Their journey has taught them nothing.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Did I slap you too hard?

No, baby.

It's just right.

Freezendricksack!

Freezendricksack!

Woo!

We found each other far from home.

Without a shelter from the cold.

And we took each other in our arms for everything that we own.

Now I know I couldn't go it alone.

Loaded such a winding road.

Traversing what could not be known.

Time was bought a game.

Played it while I watched you grow.

I'm sorry, man.

Awkward.

Now I know I couldn't play it alone.

Now I know I couldn't go it alone.

blocked by noise I never go it alone.

I never go it alone.

Summer's come and winter's gone.

And this is the second one.

And this is the third one.

I know that I could never go it alone...

and I know that I could never go it alone...

There you are, the woman of my dreams and so it seems Here we are, forgetting all

the things we said we were, the way we weren't And what we might have been Is

nothing compared to this love we're in And I know I'm not the only one who agrees We

know what it's like, what it's like to be To be in love, now we know what it's

really like To be in love, now we know what it's really like

Here we are, we're listening to terrible advice Some strategy We're making this

connection for a price The way we weren't And what we might have been Is nothing

compared to this love we're in And love, even in these troubled times