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A little pause... and we are back.
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00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:40,940
Good afternoon.
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00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,440
This is the story of Charlotte and
Brandon.
4
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I'm so sorry.
5
00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:49,500
This is the story of Charlotte and
Brandon.
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They love my TV show.
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Oatmeal, exercise, well, sort of.
8
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They both hate sleeping alone.
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Beer and hairy nipples.
10
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The good news is they are a perfect match.
11
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The bad news is they have never met.
12
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And Charlotte is with Stephen,
while Brandon is with Ashley.
13
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Oh, um...
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Well, I can't marry you because I'm
marrying somebody else in May.
15
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You don't even have a boyfriend.
16
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Actually, I do.
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We've been together since high school for
14 years.
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It's just that he's been
living very far away,
19
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and now he's moving
back so we can be together.
20
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14 years?
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Sounds like commitment issues.
22
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No, it's just that he was waiting until we
were both ready to...
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00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:42,520
Why am I defending myself to a first
grader?
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00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:43,780
Well, it all falls apart.
25
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,040
You know where to find me.
26
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Look, Lance, we've done
all the graphics for your
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packaging and print ads
at very reasonable rates.
28
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:55,180
We created the signature look for Be
Yourself Cosmetics.
29
00:01:55,300 --> 00:01:57,713
Now, it's great that
your nephew's a whiz at
30
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Photoshop, but believe
me, there is just so much...
31
00:02:00,601 --> 00:02:04,440
Screw you, Lance, and your oxymoronically
named product and your mutton-headed
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00:02:04,590 --> 00:02:05,590
fuck-darn nephew!
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Christ, are you off your meds?
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That's our biggest account!
35
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:10,940
He's an asshole, Brandon.
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Asshole!
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00:02:12,490 --> 00:02:14,840
Bro, I went to RISD, Mr. Seth MacFarlane.
38
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:15,900
I don't need that shit!
39
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,800
That asshole is paying off my student
loans.
40
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:19,960
Yeah, and our bills.
41
00:02:20,980 --> 00:02:21,980
Shit!
42
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,330
You think you can get him back on the
phone?
43
00:02:26,715 --> 00:02:28,075
I'm still here, you broke bitches!
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For you.
45
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Oh, thank you.
46
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My pleasure.
47
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You're a pretty decent drawer.
48
00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:47,980
Thank you.
49
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,100
Thank you.
50
00:02:49,860 --> 00:02:50,320
Thank you.
51
00:02:50,321 --> 00:02:52,600
I have been called the Vermeer of napkin
art.
52
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Who?
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00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,120
Did I leave my amethyst necklace at your
place?
54
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Uh, yeah.
55
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Yeah, I think I saw it in the bathroom.
56
00:03:00,050 --> 00:03:01,540
Okay, remind me to get that from you.
57
00:03:02,705 --> 00:03:06,560
So, my boss gave us free tickets to the
Chargers game Sunday.
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Wanna go?
59
00:03:09,060 --> 00:03:11,160
Uh, 4.05 on a Sunday?
60
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,460
Okay.
61
00:03:16,540 --> 00:03:17,540
I'll drive.
62
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:22,820
Yeah, you know, I'm not really into drunk
crowds and football, and people.
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Of course.
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00:03:24,630 --> 00:03:25,630
What does that mean?
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00:03:26,450 --> 00:03:28,450
You know, I have dated guys with
commitment issues.
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00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:29,620
Lots of them.
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Pretty standard stuff.
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00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:30,960
But you?
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00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:33,540
I can't even get you to commit to a
football game.
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00:03:34,020 --> 00:03:35,140
Well, I don't like football.
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00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:35,940
It's not that.
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It's everything.
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00:03:36,980 --> 00:03:38,020
You won't go to Coachella.
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You won't move in together because that
would be moving too fast.
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00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:42,789
You won't even book
tickets to a cruise next
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00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:44,580
summer because a lot
can happen in six months.
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00:03:44,950 --> 00:03:46,480
Those tickets are non-refundable.
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00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,240
And you're a cheapskate.
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00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,200
Which is why I thought you would like the
free tickets in the first place.
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I'm not cheap.
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00:03:52,220 --> 00:03:53,220
My money is tied up.
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And I can't go to the
game because I want to
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00:03:54,787 --> 00:03:56,540
start training for that
Rwanda charity ride.
84
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:58,020
You know, where people are dying?
85
00:03:58,660 --> 00:03:59,020
Yeah.
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Like that's going to happen.
87
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:01,360
Ashley.
88
00:04:01,361 --> 00:04:02,361
Ashley, what...
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00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,160
Okay.
90
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:05,760
You're right.
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00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:06,860
I'm sorry.
92
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:08,540
Let's do it, Ashley.
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00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:09,600
You and me.
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00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,320
Coachella next year.
95
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:13,820
Oh, my God.
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00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:15,700
You have to see this house.
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00:04:16,245 --> 00:04:19,200
It has this entertainment room that would
be so perfect for you to have your buddies
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00:04:19,201 --> 00:04:20,860
over so you can watch your football
matches.
99
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,300
It's football games, not matches.
100
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,280
Anyways, there's a chef's kitchen,
newly remodeled bathrooms.
101
00:04:27,740 --> 00:04:30,320
There's a study that would make a perfect
nursery.
102
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:34,100
I think I'm... maybe we should hold off on
the house.
103
00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:35,180
Why?
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I just got here, you know, starting a new
job.
105
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There's a lot to figure out.
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You don't have to figure us out,
right?
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00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:47,380
You do.
108
00:04:48,565 --> 00:04:50,280
Now, Charlotte, just wait a minute.
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00:04:50,281 --> 00:04:51,160
No, no, no, no, no, no.
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00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:52,250
I am not waiting.
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00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:55,340
I waited through college, through med
school, and through your residency.
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That was the plan.
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I know, I know.
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And you have been so great through all of
that.
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00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,200
Is there someone else?
116
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Is it that Nurse Newcomb?
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No.
118
00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:03,820
No way.
119
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,040
Well, then what is it?
120
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,400
It's just you.
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So predictable.
122
00:05:09,925 --> 00:05:11,340
What the heck does that mean?
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Up every morning at 6 a.m.
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00:05:13,341 --> 00:05:14,656
You have the same Honey Nut Oatmeal.
125
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,100
You're off to work, back home,
then in bed by 10 o'clock.
126
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,500
You don't follow sports, sex, missionary
position.
127
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:21,740
With the lights off, there's no surprises.
128
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I'm bored out of my mind.
129
00:05:24,340 --> 00:05:26,500
Well, I didn't know it was so horrible for
you.
130
00:05:27,850 --> 00:05:33,440
Well, that explains the engagement ring,
the promise ring, and the pre-promise ring.
131
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:34,960
Okay.
132
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,520
Fourteen years, Steven.
133
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In hindsight, I probably should have done
this sooner.
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Did you bring me up here so that I
wouldn't make a scene?
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Because I am going to make a scene.
136
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I am going to tell everybody in town.
137
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I'm going to announce it.
138
00:05:47,790 --> 00:05:49,080
Okay, Charlotte, will you
please just... I'm in a pub.
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Calm down and hydrate, please.
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00:05:51,505 --> 00:05:54,660
Don't tell me to hydrate, you jackass!
141
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:00,720
Steven?
142
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:04,820
Are you okay?
143
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,280
Fuck no!
144
00:06:07,495 --> 00:06:12,020
We find the defendant, Charlotte Wells,
guilty of criminal assault and battery.
145
00:06:12,310 --> 00:06:16,680
If you complete community service,
anger management classes, and probation,
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00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,420
the felony charge will be expunged.
147
00:06:19,470 --> 00:06:22,340
Sentence is 30 days in jail.
148
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:27,700
I got to live my... I tell
you, I got to live my life.
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Yes sir, motherfucker!
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00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,480
Goddamn fucking shit prison.
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Ha!
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I got to do me!
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Fuck all y'all if you can't appreciate it!
154
00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:38,340
Step off!
155
00:06:39,115 --> 00:06:41,080
I think you are fucking Princess Elsa!
156
00:06:41,340 --> 00:06:44,540
This is not goddamn Airedale, you
skinny-ass bitch!
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Ha!
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00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:15,980
What can I say?
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She's a treacherous whore.
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You're better off without her.
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You're gonna give yourself a heart attack.
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00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:22,060
What have you gone...
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A mile and a half.
164
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:25,580
Shit, you're in terrible shape.
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00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:31,360
I bought this bike so that I could get fit
and do the Rwanda ride.
166
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:33,320
You ever see me use it?
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00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:35,300
No.
168
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:36,560
The whore's right, Dad.
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00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,180
I can't commit to anything, especially
women.
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00:07:39,975 --> 00:07:43,260
Which explains why I've had 50 girlfriends
in the past 10 years.
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00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,180
I can get them, but I can't keep them.
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00:07:46,955 --> 00:07:48,240
I want a lasting love, Dad.
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00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,000
I want to be married.
174
00:07:51,265 --> 00:07:53,520
You have had a run of lousy luck with
women.
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00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:54,836
Luck's got nothing to do with it.
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It's me.
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00:07:55,330 --> 00:07:56,330
It has to be me.
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I have to change, Dad.
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00:07:58,820 --> 00:07:59,820
Come on, champ.
180
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:00,700
You stink.
181
00:08:00,860 --> 00:08:01,200
Let's go.
182
00:08:01,220 --> 00:08:02,220
Get a shower.
183
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:17,180
Carly, I'm so sorry.
184
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,360
It's my prison reflexes.
185
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Fuck!
186
00:08:19,460 --> 00:08:19,960
That hurt!
187
00:08:20,370 --> 00:08:21,840
Oh my God, you are so strong.
188
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:25,640
Is it sick that I envy you?
189
00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:27,375
You're an ass-kicker now.
190
00:08:27,810 --> 00:08:28,680
You look great.
191
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:29,760
You lost weight.
192
00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:31,370
Man, I want to go to jail.
193
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,160
Oh, yeah.
194
00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:33,380
Everybody should.
195
00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:34,610
And it's so simple.
196
00:08:35,050 --> 00:08:37,324
All you have to do is
spend half your life in a
197
00:08:37,325 --> 00:08:39,420
disastrous relationship
and think about a felony.
198
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,260
Okay, none of which was your fault.
199
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,740
It was all my fault.
200
00:08:44,020 --> 00:08:47,091
Look, okay, I read online
that the average woman will
201
00:08:47,092 --> 00:08:49,741
have four serious relationships
before she gets married.
202
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,409
So at the rate you're
going, you're not gonna
203
00:08:51,429 --> 00:08:52,760
get married until
you're, like, eighty-four.
204
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,760
You need to get right back on the horse.
205
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:56,080
How?!
206
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:57,680
I... I have nothing to offer.
207
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:02,380
Men just want some spontaneous,
unpredictable sexual deviant.
208
00:09:02,970 --> 00:09:04,756
Carly, you are giving men way too much
credit.
209
00:09:04,780 --> 00:09:05,780
They are simple beasts.
210
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:09,640
All they crave is sex, sports,
beer, food, and sometimes a little anal.
211
00:09:09,860 --> 00:09:10,300
Really?
212
00:09:10,660 --> 00:09:11,660
Really.
213
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:12,200
Really?!
214
00:09:12,201 --> 00:09:13,201
Really.
215
00:09:13,940 --> 00:09:14,940
Okay.
216
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,820
If that is what men want, then that is
what I'm going to give them.
217
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:18,960
Except that last part.
218
00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:20,125
Not going to happen.
219
00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:21,240
Yeah, yeah.
220
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:25,460
We've all seen the makeover sequence,
so I won't bore you with it.
221
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:48,800
Kaepernick!
222
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:49,180
Vanning!
223
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:49,560
Breeze!
224
00:09:49,660 --> 00:09:50,260
Care of the balls!
225
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,080
Work the shaft!
226
00:09:51,081 --> 00:09:52,081
Yes!
227
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,120
You are now an expert on men.
228
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:55,980
Alright.
229
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:58,776
This is all the shit that he gave you over
the last 14 years.
230
00:09:58,800 --> 00:09:59,520
Throw away.
231
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:00,760
It's all online.
232
00:10:02,785 --> 00:10:04,640
And... whatever the fuck this is.
233
00:10:05,380 --> 00:10:08,380
Yeah, he got this at an infectious disease
conference in Shanghai.
234
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:09,940
I kind of like it.
235
00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:14,130
It's... it's going.
236
00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:16,620
Yeah, this is disgusting.
237
00:10:32,580 --> 00:10:33,580
It's disgusting.
238
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:35,560
Wow,
239
00:12:04,570 --> 00:12:05,730
so you're a graphic designer.
240
00:12:05,830 --> 00:12:07,070
You must be really artistic.
241
00:12:07,605 --> 00:12:10,430
Well, I have been called the Vermeer of
napkin art.
242
00:12:14,090 --> 00:12:14,690
Wait.
243
00:12:14,691 --> 00:12:15,710
What are you watching?
244
00:12:16,420 --> 00:12:22,470
Oh, um... it's this silly show about this
Swiss policewoman who is...
245
00:12:22,471 --> 00:12:23,471
Schweizer Polizei Frau?
246
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:24,330
What?
247
00:12:24,470 --> 00:12:25,470
Ja!
248
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:27,250
Friesendrecksack!
249
00:12:28,910 --> 00:12:31,250
I binge-watched all seven seasons in like
six days.
250
00:12:31,590 --> 00:12:32,830
Yeah, I'm on season four.
251
00:12:33,455 --> 00:12:35,050
Oh, there's great ones coming up.
252
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,610
We talked last night for four hours.
253
00:12:39,060 --> 00:12:40,670
And I think he's a really nice guy.
254
00:12:41,390 --> 00:12:41,790
Oh.
255
00:12:42,190 --> 00:12:43,910
Do you think I should tell him about
Steven?
256
00:12:44,460 --> 00:12:46,510
If you never want to hear from him
again...
257
00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:50,390
Dating one guy your whole
life might come off a little... Sad?
258
00:12:50,530 --> 00:12:50,950
Freakish.
259
00:12:51,485 --> 00:12:52,890
Like you were raised on a polygamous
compound.
260
00:12:52,891 --> 00:12:55,210
Don't show him the woman you were.
261
00:12:55,620 --> 00:12:57,970
Show him the woman you're going to be.
262
00:12:58,450 --> 00:12:59,450
You mean lie?
263
00:13:00,310 --> 00:13:01,310
Hell yes, lie.
264
00:13:01,745 --> 00:13:03,990
Don't tell her you have 56K in student
loans.
265
00:13:04,315 --> 00:13:07,870
Tell her you have a 10-inch schlong and
you're the heir to the Walmart fortune.
266
00:13:08,585 --> 00:13:09,230
It's the internet.
267
00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:10,950
If you're not lying, you're not trying.
268
00:13:12,050 --> 00:13:12,570
Hey!
269
00:13:12,690 --> 00:13:13,690
Hey!
270
00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:15,930
My last boyfriend?
271
00:13:16,590 --> 00:13:20,890
Let's see... I was with him for 14 months.
272
00:13:23,090 --> 00:13:23,610
Wow.
273
00:13:23,611 --> 00:13:24,611
So brief.
274
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,810
Well, how long do your relationships
normally last for?
275
00:13:28,330 --> 00:13:31,990
Uh, you know, two, three years.
276
00:13:32,620 --> 00:13:34,260
So you haven't been with that many women?
277
00:13:34,370 --> 00:13:35,370
A handful.
278
00:13:36,305 --> 00:13:39,170
You know, for me it's more about quality
than quantity.
279
00:13:39,650 --> 00:13:40,670
My biggest fault?
280
00:13:41,370 --> 00:13:43,430
Sometimes I give too much, you know?
281
00:13:43,510 --> 00:13:46,310
Whether it's work or relationships,
I'm all in.
282
00:13:46,350 --> 00:13:48,410
Kind of a warp speed ahead kind of guy.
283
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,970
And sometimes I'm so spontaneous... and
unpredictable that people find it exhausting.
284
00:13:53,230 --> 00:13:54,770
But I'm working on that.
285
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:59,350
I mean, maybe because I'm country, but
there's nothing like a cold brewski, right?
286
00:13:59,650 --> 00:14:00,650
Hell yeah!
287
00:14:01,410 --> 00:14:02,410
Steelers, baby!
288
00:14:02,590 --> 00:14:03,750
Big Ben is my boy!
289
00:14:04,330 --> 00:14:07,070
The San Diego Superchargers!
290
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:12,650
Well, you're looking at the two-time salsa
dancing champion of West Virginia.
291
00:14:15,340 --> 00:14:17,420
Look, I'm not saying I'm Lance Armstrong
or anything.
292
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:19,190
I'm kind of on the level just below him.
293
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:20,990
But cycling is my passion.
294
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,990
God, your food looks amazing!
295
00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:24,530
Where did you learn to cook?
296
00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:27,350
Oh, please, look at you, making your own
pasta from scratch?
297
00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:30,230
You have beautiful eyes.
298
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,570
Well, you have a very sexy smile.
299
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:35,070
Salud.
300
00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:35,570
Salutes.
301
00:14:36,130 --> 00:14:36,930
Oh, no!
302
00:14:37,030 --> 00:14:38,030
God!
303
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:38,630
Hey!
304
00:14:38,990 --> 00:14:39,990
Ah, no, no!
305
00:14:40,050 --> 00:14:41,190
No, it's not what you think!
306
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:45,671
I just, I didn't have time to
get dressed before... Me too.
307
00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:50,910
I want you to come to L.A.
308
00:14:51,310 --> 00:14:52,590
I'll pay for the ticket.
309
00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:55,770
Look, I want you so bad, but I looked into
tickets.
310
00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:56,870
They're $700.
311
00:14:57,900 --> 00:15:00,410
Or we can split it, if it feels like I'm
coming on too strong.
312
00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:03,810
This is gonna be so amazing!
313
00:15:05,090 --> 00:15:06,990
Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm here!
314
00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:08,470
I can't believe you're here!
315
00:15:08,830 --> 00:15:10,330
Oh, wait, I love your car!
316
00:15:11,270 --> 00:15:12,270
Thanks!
317
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,960
I can't say that I like you.
318
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,320
So that's the Getty Villa, right there.
319
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:24,300
J.
320
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,760
Paul Getty was the world's richest man, but
he had a payphone for all his houseguests.
321
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:30,980
Oh, God, what a cheapskate.
322
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:32,300
I hate that.
323
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,260
Yeah, me too.
324
00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:41,340
Hey, isn't that that restaurant where all
those celebrities hang out?
325
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:42,120
Yeah.
326
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:43,360
Have you ever been there?
327
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:44,180
Sure.
328
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,140
Oh, man, I bet it's amazing.
329
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,260
Didn't catch you.
330
00:16:16,261 --> 00:16:16,580
It's chilly, huh?
331
00:16:16,780 --> 00:16:17,140
Yeah.
332
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:17,980
Wanna head back?
333
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,200
Sure.
334
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,580
Or we could jump in the water.
335
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:25,800
Yeah, right.
336
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,160
No, I'm serious!
337
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,376
Come on, Sharla, you just had a
five-course meal.
338
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,240
You're not going for a swim.
339
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,260
No, come on, let's do it.
340
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:32,530
I've never even been
in the ocean before,
341
00:16:32,531 --> 00:16:33,940
and it would just be,
like, absolutely crazy.
342
00:16:33,941 --> 00:16:34,941
Hey, hey, listen to me.
343
00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:36,880
We're not jumping off the pier.
344
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:39,500
Oh, my God.
345
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:42,860
Okay, you are completely insane.
346
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:43,260
Really?
347
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:44,860
Yes, you're crazy.
348
00:16:44,861 --> 00:16:47,440
And you are the most exciting guy I have
ever met.
349
00:16:47,860 --> 00:16:48,380
Really?
350
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:49,600
Yeah.
351
00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:14,220
Alright, Carly, let's see what you got me.
352
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:15,840
How does...
353
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,200
I don't...
354
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,260
I don't even understand that.
355
00:17:26,950 --> 00:17:28,790
I've seen thicker dental floss.
356
00:17:36,370 --> 00:17:38,230
You are one sexy bitch, Charlotte.
357
00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:40,470
And you've had sex with a thousand men.
358
00:17:40,630 --> 00:17:41,630
With a hundred men.
359
00:17:41,710 --> 00:17:42,310
Twenty-three.
360
00:17:42,410 --> 00:17:43,410
Eight.
361
00:17:50,350 --> 00:17:55,330
You go in there and you are just gonna be
a super sexy lady.
362
00:17:56,690 --> 00:17:58,370
God, I look like my mom with these things.
363
00:18:41,060 --> 00:18:42,880
Oh, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
364
00:18:42,940 --> 00:18:43,380
So you like it rough?
365
00:18:43,620 --> 00:18:43,820
Huh?
366
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,241
Oh, no, I just... Because
I can be really rough.
367
00:18:46,740 --> 00:18:48,480
Oh, yeah, no, I'm rough.
368
00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:49,800
I'm like, super rough.
369
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,136
Like, like this kind of rough?
370
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:55,300
Oh, you going for the sexy proctologist
style?
371
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:56,301
Yeah, no, I dig that.
372
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:56,680
Yeah?
373
00:18:57,050 --> 00:18:58,050
Is that all you got?
374
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,240
I mean, you're in luck because his two
friends just decided to join the party.
375
00:19:01,660 --> 00:19:02,660
Oh!
376
00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:10,420
What are you thinking?
377
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:21,160
I was just thinking, um, I was just
wondering if it's too soon to tell him
378
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:25,200
that, um, he's just the kind of man I've
always wanted to be with.
379
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:30,420
Confident and, um, unhesitating.
380
00:19:31,950 --> 00:19:32,950
Sure of what he wants.
381
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:35,560
Extremely handsome.
382
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:36,680
Wow.
383
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:43,640
And, um, it's gonna break my heart to get
back on that plane.
384
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:54,560
Well, that's funny, actually, because I
was just thinking that she is the most
385
00:19:54,561 --> 00:20:02,500
exciting and spontaneous person I've met
in my entire life.
386
00:20:03,930 --> 00:20:04,930
Not to mention gorgeous.
387
00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:05,680
Absolutely.
388
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:06,540
Bombshell.
389
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:07,640
Knockout.
390
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,280
And blonde, too.
391
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:10,480
Most blonde person.
392
00:20:13,770 --> 00:20:16,540
And I was actually wondering if it's too
soon to give her this.
393
00:20:20,270 --> 00:20:22,090
And to tell her that I love her.
394
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:53,360
I know this is moving insanely fast,
but she's not like the women here.
395
00:20:53,870 --> 00:20:54,870
Is that a heel mark?
396
00:20:55,460 --> 00:20:58,420
She's sexy and smart and we just had
this...
397
00:20:58,520 --> 00:20:59,520
this connection.
398
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:01,880
What did you get on the upholstery?
399
00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:03,420
Oh, that's just salt water.
400
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:05,120
Is that what you kids are calling it?
401
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:06,660
You desecrated the stain.
402
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,656
Dude, I'll get it washed in wax.
403
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:09,736
Are you listening to what I'm saying?
404
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:10,220
I'm in love.
405
00:21:10,615 --> 00:21:14,020
I can clearly see that you're excited and
I'm very happy for you.
406
00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:14,740
Really, I am.
407
00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:15,040
Okay.
408
00:21:15,220 --> 00:21:16,220
Yes.
409
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:22,576
You might want to keep this for your
scrapbook.
410
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:23,600
Oh, yes.
411
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:26,120
That's your neck.
412
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:27,100
The smeller.
413
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:27,820
The smeller.
414
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:28,720
It's just the neck.
415
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:29,870
It's a neutral zone.
416
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:30,300
It's not appropriate.
417
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:31,800
Oh, God.
418
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:32,300
That's good.
419
00:21:32,850 --> 00:21:35,560
And did you do the things that we talked
about?
420
00:21:36,105 --> 00:21:37,940
We did things that no one talks about.
421
00:21:38,275 --> 00:21:39,940
Oh, and how did that go?
422
00:21:40,660 --> 00:21:41,780
He gave me this.
423
00:21:41,860 --> 00:21:42,860
Oh, my God.
424
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,700
And he told me that he loves me.
425
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:46,540
Oh, my God.
426
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:47,060
I know.
427
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:49,746
And I told him that I loved
him too, which I know seems
428
00:21:49,747 --> 00:21:52,520
really like crazy and rushed,
but it was just so magical.
429
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,280
That no good mother...
430
00:22:07,370 --> 00:22:08,030
You know what?
431
00:22:08,050 --> 00:22:08,430
Good for him.
432
00:22:08,950 --> 00:22:09,630
Good for him.
433
00:22:09,670 --> 00:22:11,530
He deserves to be happy, Shar.
434
00:22:11,670 --> 00:22:12,570
You know, he deserves...
435
00:22:12,571 --> 00:22:16,050
I know what you're going to say,
and I'm going to be fine, because I'm
436
00:22:16,051 --> 00:22:18,130
happy, and he's
happy... Charlotte!
437
00:22:18,230 --> 00:22:19,230
...and everybody's happy.
438
00:22:19,570 --> 00:22:20,570
Charlotte!
439
00:22:20,850 --> 00:22:21,850
Oh, my God!
440
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:34,960
No.
441
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,820
You can't cause an avalanche just by
yodeling.
442
00:22:38,015 --> 00:22:40,260
No, I am telling you, it is completely
possible.
443
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:40,760
That's not true.
444
00:22:40,761 --> 00:22:41,380
You can't!
445
00:22:41,430 --> 00:22:42,060
You can't!
446
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,720
And even if you could, you can't make it
fall right on a fleeing bank robber.
447
00:22:46,660 --> 00:22:47,740
Schweizerpolize, Frau Kahn.
448
00:22:48,060 --> 00:22:49,060
Yeah, well...
449
00:22:50,805 --> 00:22:52,280
Hey, I made something at work today.
450
00:22:52,870 --> 00:22:54,100
You mind taking a look?
451
00:22:54,460 --> 00:22:55,460
Yeah, sure.
452
00:23:01,010 --> 00:23:02,030
Hey, is that me?
453
00:23:02,850 --> 00:23:03,850
Looking good.
454
00:23:10,910 --> 00:23:12,210
Aw, thank you.
455
00:23:12,430 --> 00:23:13,430
It's beautiful.
456
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:27,680
It would be the most unpredictable thing
ever.
457
00:23:30,650 --> 00:23:33,280
It would be the ultimate commitment.
458
00:23:37,740 --> 00:23:55,760
We want a divorce.
459
00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:57,130
Between the two of you?
460
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:57,520
Yeah.
461
00:23:57,920 --> 00:23:58,740
Well, I'll be.
462
00:23:58,900 --> 00:24:01,760
Usually I represent only one party's
interests.
463
00:24:02,060 --> 00:24:03,096
We have the same interests.
464
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:04,120
An immediate divorce.
465
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:08,020
Well then, I reckon we ought to discuss
dividing property, assets...
466
00:24:08,021 --> 00:24:09,021
We don't have any.
467
00:24:09,250 --> 00:24:10,600
How long you two been hitched?
468
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:12,520
Ten days.
469
00:24:13,100 --> 00:24:14,100
Ten days?
470
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,360
Aw, thank you so much, Carly.
471
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,300
Thanks, Carly.
472
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:27,360
It's awesome.
473
00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:29,980
Oh, and that is from us.
474
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:30,360
Oh.
475
00:24:30,860 --> 00:24:31,860
Thank you.
476
00:24:40,110 --> 00:24:40,550
Aw.
477
00:24:40,625 --> 00:24:41,610
Thank you very much.
478
00:24:41,630 --> 00:24:42,910
That's so sweet, Jerry and Judy.
479
00:24:43,070 --> 00:24:43,630
Thanks, Mom.
480
00:24:43,710 --> 00:24:44,090
Thanks, Dad.
481
00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:45,150
That's, uh...
482
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,110
No, the people of Tibet thank you.
483
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:49,850
It's such a noble gesture in your name.
484
00:24:51,570 --> 00:24:54,450
Though it has none of the bourgeois cachet
of a shiny kitchen appliance.
485
00:24:58,065 --> 00:25:00,035
Anyway, speaking of
exotic places, have you guys
486
00:25:00,036 --> 00:25:01,450
finally decided where you're
gonna take your honeymoon?
487
00:25:01,730 --> 00:25:02,130
Not yet.
488
00:25:02,340 --> 00:25:05,230
Uh, I start teaching really soon,
and we have to find a bigger apartment.
489
00:25:05,990 --> 00:25:07,090
Or maybe a house.
490
00:25:07,270 --> 00:25:08,270
Oh, wow.
491
00:25:08,670 --> 00:25:10,290
So, uh, we have to put that on hold.
492
00:25:10,450 --> 00:25:11,030
No, no, no.
493
00:25:11,110 --> 00:25:12,630
You must do something special,
Brandon.
494
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:13,930
Sri Lanka is lovely.
495
00:25:13,931 --> 00:25:14,470
Ooh.
496
00:25:14,950 --> 00:25:17,833
As far as, uh, exploited,
underdeveloped island nations go,
497
00:25:17,834 --> 00:25:21,250
it's really the sad teardrop
of the Indian subcontinent.
498
00:25:21,450 --> 00:25:22,650
But the beaches are beautiful.
499
00:25:23,015 --> 00:25:24,346
Well, that sounds fun, right, honey?
500
00:25:24,370 --> 00:25:25,370
Oh, yeah.
501
00:25:25,420 --> 00:25:27,090
It's a shame about all the tsunamis.
502
00:25:27,910 --> 00:25:30,120
I tell you what, though,
for special, there's
503
00:25:30,121 --> 00:25:32,330
some great spots right
within driving distance.
504
00:25:32,510 --> 00:25:35,810
I mean, you know, San Diego, Santa
Barbara, Pismo.
505
00:25:37,110 --> 00:25:37,930
Oh, what about you?
506
00:25:37,990 --> 00:25:39,686
Where did you, where did you two go on
your honeymoon?
507
00:25:39,710 --> 00:25:40,070
Jail.
508
00:25:40,730 --> 00:25:41,090
Yeah.
509
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:42,290
Yeah.
510
00:25:45,390 --> 00:25:45,450
I'm kidding.
511
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:49,150
After we exchanged our vows, we went off
to a no-nukes rally.
512
00:25:49,410 --> 00:25:50,410
She acted up.
513
00:25:50,530 --> 00:25:50,730
Oh.
514
00:25:50,940 --> 00:25:53,430
And the po-po picked us up and threw us
both in the slammer.
515
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,610
So you spent your whole honeymoon in jail?
516
00:25:56,075 --> 00:25:58,133
We'd only known each
other for ten days, so every
517
00:25:58,134 --> 00:25:59,890
minute we spent together
was like a honeymoon.
518
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:00,730
Mm.
519
00:26:01,070 --> 00:26:03,595
And we actually
managed to slip a little
520
00:26:03,596 --> 00:26:07,671
connubial bliss in right
under the man's nose.
521
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,390
So we're in adjacent cells, all right?
522
00:26:11,430 --> 00:26:13,690
And right after, all the other inmates
went to sleep.
523
00:26:14,190 --> 00:26:17,930
My beautiful bride, she backed her tight
little rump right up against the bars.
524
00:26:18,310 --> 00:26:23,010
I dropped trial, and we made the sweetest,
sweetest love.
525
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:25,750
Oh, oh Christ, I need a drink.
526
00:26:30,110 --> 00:26:32,438
You know, being an only child
and losing both my parents,
527
00:26:32,439 --> 00:26:35,250
I definitely want a big
family, like three or four kids.
528
00:26:35,510 --> 00:26:37,483
You know, they say it
costs a quarter of a million
529
00:26:37,484 --> 00:26:39,771
to raise a child, and
that's before college.
530
00:26:40,430 --> 00:26:42,690
You just, you can't put a price tag on
happiness.
531
00:26:43,350 --> 00:26:47,890
True, but I was an only child,
and I have to say, I was very happy.
532
00:26:48,110 --> 00:26:49,430
Oh, come on, Brandon.
533
00:26:49,670 --> 00:26:51,510
He used to always want a younger brother.
534
00:26:51,650 --> 00:26:54,070
Yeah, as a matter of fact, Brandon was an
accident.
535
00:26:54,750 --> 00:26:57,810
We thought long and hard about whether or
not we should keep him.
536
00:26:58,270 --> 00:27:00,070
And you were going to put him up for
adoption?
537
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,960
Oh God, no, I wouldn't have the heart for
that.
538
00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:03,500
We were going to abort him.
539
00:27:04,830 --> 00:27:05,830
Jesus.
540
00:27:06,510 --> 00:27:07,570
But we were in Burma.
541
00:27:07,850 --> 00:27:09,850
We couldn't find anybody to perform the
procedure.
542
00:27:10,550 --> 00:27:11,550
Thank God.
543
00:27:12,715 --> 00:27:14,370
I think we made the right decision.
544
00:27:14,780 --> 00:27:15,780
I do, too.
545
00:27:16,830 --> 00:27:17,830
Most of the time.
546
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:18,970
Oh, Jerry.
547
00:27:20,390 --> 00:27:21,786
Hey, you know, we better get going.
548
00:27:21,810 --> 00:27:22,810
We got a flight to catch.
549
00:27:22,930 --> 00:27:24,090
We gotta get to Buenos Aires.
550
00:27:24,830 --> 00:27:26,590
Aww, leaving so soon.
551
00:27:27,030 --> 00:27:28,070
We're going to Antarctica.
552
00:27:28,150 --> 00:27:30,030
We're gonna scuttle some Japanese whale
killers.
553
00:27:30,350 --> 00:27:33,601
If it were up to me, I would
have those boats sunk in the
554
00:27:33,602 --> 00:27:36,510
ocean and have any remaining
survivors fed to the sharks.
555
00:27:36,910 --> 00:27:37,750
I hear you.
556
00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:38,930
I respect your feelings.
557
00:27:39,090 --> 00:27:39,930
Now get your things.
558
00:27:39,970 --> 00:27:40,450
We gotta go.
559
00:27:40,510 --> 00:27:41,510
We're gonna be late.
560
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,490
Charlie, it's been so lovely meeting you.
561
00:27:44,670 --> 00:27:45,210
Likewise.
562
00:27:45,690 --> 00:27:47,030
Carly, till next time.
563
00:27:47,190 --> 00:27:48,190
Okay, let's go.
564
00:27:48,350 --> 00:27:50,910
She gets so bloodthirsty when it comes to
the Japanese.
565
00:27:54,405 --> 00:27:56,890
Those are some weird fucking people.
566
00:27:57,150 --> 00:27:57,370
Okay.
567
00:27:58,050 --> 00:27:59,010
I don't know.
568
00:27:59,070 --> 00:28:00,550
They're... unique.
569
00:28:01,300 --> 00:28:02,950
It's kind of refreshing.
570
00:28:03,310 --> 00:28:06,150
You need to be thankful that their DNA
skipped a generation.
571
00:28:07,670 --> 00:28:10,090
God, isn't... Sabrina's pretty amazing,
right?
572
00:28:10,670 --> 00:28:11,670
You did good, girl.
573
00:28:12,970 --> 00:28:15,290
And you can't freak if he finds out that
you're a jailbird.
574
00:28:15,430 --> 00:28:18,086
Because with parents like that,
he was probably conceived in the joint.
575
00:28:18,110 --> 00:28:20,030
Why would you tell Charlotte this thing is
yours?
576
00:28:20,170 --> 00:28:21,530
You're the one who told me to lie.
577
00:28:21,750 --> 00:28:23,590
When you're trying to lure her to the
honeypot.
578
00:28:23,730 --> 00:28:25,406
You can't keep it going now that you're
married.
579
00:28:25,430 --> 00:28:25,990
It's insane.
580
00:28:26,330 --> 00:28:27,930
Just let me break it to her slowly,
okay?
581
00:28:28,010 --> 00:28:30,346
Can you... can you go along with it for a
couple more weeks?
582
00:28:30,370 --> 00:28:31,010
Come on, man.
583
00:28:31,030 --> 00:28:31,650
You have another car.
584
00:28:31,730 --> 00:28:32,490
Please, I'll owe you.
585
00:28:32,610 --> 00:28:33,070
With what?
586
00:28:33,090 --> 00:28:34,090
You don't have any money.
587
00:28:34,170 --> 00:28:35,726
Which you also told me not to tell her
about.
588
00:28:35,750 --> 00:28:38,650
And now she's talking to me about
honeymoons and houses and kids.
589
00:28:38,651 --> 00:28:39,890
You screwed up, man.
590
00:28:39,970 --> 00:28:40,970
You took my advice.
591
00:28:41,110 --> 00:28:42,390
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
592
00:28:42,615 --> 00:28:44,910
You can take the staying for a couple of
more weeks.
593
00:28:44,990 --> 00:28:49,330
But if I see you drive in more than twice,
I will bring down your house a car.
594
00:28:49,470 --> 00:28:49,790
Understood.
595
00:28:49,990 --> 00:28:50,190
Thanks.
596
00:28:50,310 --> 00:28:50,890
I'll see you at dinner.
597
00:28:51,050 --> 00:28:52,250
No, this is yours now.
598
00:28:52,310 --> 00:28:53,430
You have to take care of it.
599
00:28:56,170 --> 00:28:58,350
Our first dinner party as a married
couple.
600
00:28:58,530 --> 00:28:59,730
What are you making?
601
00:29:01,010 --> 00:29:03,870
Well, I thought maybe you could make your
homemade pasta.
602
00:29:09,540 --> 00:29:12,380
I remember on our
honeymoon, we went to a movie
603
00:29:12,381 --> 00:29:14,840
in Maui and Dan was
playing with his wedding ring.
604
00:29:15,020 --> 00:29:17,140
It fell off and rolled on the floor.
605
00:29:17,260 --> 00:29:18,160
Ting, ting, ting, ting.
606
00:29:18,260 --> 00:29:20,571
We had to wait till the movie
was over and then searched for
607
00:29:20,572 --> 00:29:23,080
all this popcorn and crud and
found it in a puddle of Pepsi.
608
00:29:23,340 --> 00:29:24,780
She was really mad.
609
00:29:24,980 --> 00:29:26,580
And then the next week he does it again.
610
00:29:26,820 --> 00:29:28,960
And then she punched me right in the dick.
611
00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:33,220
You're lucky I didn't divorce you.
612
00:29:33,620 --> 00:29:35,360
It turns out you done it intentionally.
613
00:29:35,361 --> 00:29:36,080
What?
614
00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:38,385
Well, yeah, so I had
tied it to a string and I was
615
00:29:38,386 --> 00:29:40,681
pulling it along and she
kept falling afterwards.
616
00:29:40,740 --> 00:29:41,740
It was really amazing.
617
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:44,880
Oh, my God.
618
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:45,920
Weren't you furious?
619
00:29:46,060 --> 00:29:47,060
Yes.
620
00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:51,820
But then I realized that this is who Dan
is and that's why I love him.
621
00:29:52,495 --> 00:29:53,600
That's why she loves me.
622
00:29:53,820 --> 00:29:54,960
He's a lovable jackass.
623
00:29:55,465 --> 00:29:57,100
My ass is very jacked.
624
00:29:58,280 --> 00:29:59,280
Moving on.
625
00:29:59,580 --> 00:30:00,020
Okay.
626
00:30:00,380 --> 00:30:03,280
Brandon, what is your biggest regret?
627
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,120
My choice of best friends.
628
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:06,400
I'm just being honest.
629
00:30:08,100 --> 00:30:13,900
I guess maybe not visiting my grandpa
enough before he died.
630
00:30:14,700 --> 00:30:19,600
He was living in this nursing home like a
mile from our house and I don't know.
631
00:30:19,620 --> 00:30:22,120
I guess I was just too busy being a
teenager or something.
632
00:30:25,460 --> 00:30:27,140
Anyway, I hope he forgave me.
633
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,000
Of course he did.
634
00:30:29,390 --> 00:30:30,580
He knew you loved him.
635
00:30:45,770 --> 00:30:49,730
Okay, I'm going to say what we're all
thinking four-way.
636
00:30:50,950 --> 00:30:51,950
Hey.
637
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:04,560
Hey, how come you never wore that necklace
I gave you?
638
00:31:05,050 --> 00:31:06,050
Don't you like it?
639
00:31:06,690 --> 00:31:07,690
I love it.
640
00:31:07,710 --> 00:31:09,850
I absolutely love it.
641
00:31:10,150 --> 00:31:11,190
You know what else I love?
642
00:31:11,850 --> 00:31:13,310
That pretty little ass of yours.
643
00:31:16,310 --> 00:31:17,990
You remember the three amigos?
644
00:31:19,390 --> 00:31:20,470
No, solo mis amigos.
645
00:31:25,130 --> 00:31:26,130
They're my friends.
646
00:31:34,930 --> 00:31:35,930
Freezer-Drecksack!
647
00:31:36,830 --> 00:31:38,210
Swiss police woman.
648
00:31:44,110 --> 00:31:46,330
What are you working on?
649
00:31:47,460 --> 00:31:48,460
Welfare application.
650
00:31:48,770 --> 00:31:49,230
You?
651
00:31:49,710 --> 00:31:51,470
A suicide note.
652
00:31:51,870 --> 00:31:52,870
Touché.
653
00:31:54,190 --> 00:31:55,450
Screw it.
654
00:31:55,910 --> 00:32:00,250
I guess I'm going to call that slimy prick
Matthew and see if he'll throw us a bone.
655
00:32:00,450 --> 00:32:02,490
Oh man, that's going to suck.
656
00:32:03,385 --> 00:32:06,870
You just know he's going to make you feel
like a pathetic, shit-eating failure.
657
00:32:07,770 --> 00:32:08,770
I'll call for you.
658
00:32:11,070 --> 00:32:12,530
I'm just so glad I found it.
659
00:32:12,610 --> 00:32:14,050
I had to go to ten different stores.
660
00:32:14,170 --> 00:32:16,250
And it cost $1,200.
661
00:32:16,910 --> 00:32:19,170
At that price, I think I would just come
clean.
662
00:32:19,710 --> 00:32:24,110
Yeah, I wanted to, but you spent so much
money on it.
663
00:32:24,111 --> 00:32:28,430
And, I don't know, he picked that himself,
which I think is really sweet.
664
00:32:28,590 --> 00:32:34,750
So, you must be looking forward to getting
back to work, huh?
665
00:32:35,090 --> 00:32:38,210
Yes, I am so excited to be back in the
classroom with kids.
666
00:32:38,620 --> 00:32:40,476
It's going to be nice to have income
coming in, too.
667
00:32:40,500 --> 00:32:43,540
Speaking of which, I was thinking that we
could start planning our honeymoon.
668
00:32:43,810 --> 00:32:45,830
You know, maybe go on my spring break?
669
00:32:46,690 --> 00:32:48,290
What do you think about Aruba?
670
00:32:50,550 --> 00:32:51,550
Yeah, that's fine.
671
00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:53,490
But what about Catalina?
672
00:32:54,110 --> 00:32:55,110
Catalina, huh?
673
00:32:55,410 --> 00:32:57,390
It's 26 miles across the sea.
674
00:32:57,510 --> 00:32:58,510
It is beautiful.
675
00:32:59,750 --> 00:33:02,670
It's, uh, I mean, it's where Natalie Wood
drowned.
676
00:33:03,590 --> 00:33:04,590
Sounds romantic.
677
00:33:04,910 --> 00:33:05,910
Hey, you know what?
678
00:33:06,450 --> 00:33:08,330
I think we have to have a couple drinks
tonight.
679
00:33:08,770 --> 00:33:10,450
Celebrate your last couple days of
leisure.
680
00:33:10,510 --> 00:33:10,830
What do you say?
681
00:33:11,130 --> 00:33:11,910
I like that.
682
00:33:12,070 --> 00:33:13,070
Here, let me do that.
683
00:33:13,230 --> 00:33:13,730
All right.
684
00:33:14,030 --> 00:33:14,710
Get out there.
685
00:33:14,950 --> 00:33:15,610
Make me proud.
686
00:33:15,790 --> 00:33:17,150
Just show me some of those tricks.
687
00:33:27,850 --> 00:33:32,490
Ladies and gentlemen, he's about to shame,
bruise, and soil himself.
688
00:33:42,850 --> 00:33:43,850
God.
689
00:33:49,550 --> 00:33:50,550
Brandon, are you okay?
690
00:33:51,670 --> 00:33:52,110
Yeah.
691
00:33:52,590 --> 00:33:53,030
Yeah.
692
00:33:53,270 --> 00:33:54,270
No, I meant to do that.
693
00:33:54,730 --> 00:33:55,730
Oh, God.
694
00:34:05,030 --> 00:34:06,030
Hey, Brandon.
695
00:34:06,610 --> 00:34:08,410
Got you a little something for the
Neelyweds.
696
00:34:08,570 --> 00:34:09,750
Oh, Mel, thank you.
697
00:34:10,090 --> 00:34:10,530
Cheers.
698
00:34:10,810 --> 00:34:11,030
Cheers.
699
00:34:11,031 --> 00:34:12,031
Shots.
700
00:34:12,290 --> 00:34:13,530
To all your lucky students.
701
00:34:13,790 --> 00:34:14,830
To my sweet husband.
702
00:34:15,150 --> 00:34:16,610
And all my bros and hoes.
703
00:34:16,630 --> 00:34:17,630
Yeah.
704
00:34:17,990 --> 00:34:19,166
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
705
00:34:19,190 --> 00:34:21,590
Could I get Charlotte Conroy on the dance
floor?
706
00:34:22,030 --> 00:34:22,430
What?
707
00:34:22,670 --> 00:34:23,430
Did he just say my name?
708
00:34:23,630 --> 00:34:24,130
I guess.
709
00:34:24,470 --> 00:34:25,470
What did you tell him?
710
00:34:25,750 --> 00:34:27,366
Yeah, we won't put your hands together
right here.
711
00:34:27,390 --> 00:34:30,117
Miss Charlotte, the dancing
machine Conroy, salsa
712
00:34:30,118 --> 00:34:32,631
champion, world champion
in the house tonight.
713
00:34:32,710 --> 00:34:33,170
It's you.
714
00:34:33,330 --> 00:34:34,070
What did you do?
715
00:34:34,130 --> 00:34:35,610
I may have exaggerated a little bit.
716
00:34:35,870 --> 00:34:39,150
I know you didn't want to show off at the
wedding, but now I get to see your stuff.
717
00:34:39,910 --> 00:34:40,910
Oh!
718
00:34:43,330 --> 00:34:43,550
Oh!
719
00:34:43,610 --> 00:34:44,610
Oh!
720
00:34:50,990 --> 00:34:54,550
And that is all the salsa Charlotte knows.
721
00:34:55,220 --> 00:34:57,410
But tragically, she dances on.
722
00:35:24,260 --> 00:35:25,740
Well, look who's here.
723
00:35:26,240 --> 00:35:29,040
The asshole who almost smothered me to
death.
724
00:35:29,540 --> 00:35:29,940
Ashley.
725
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,080
You would still hang out here,
you cheap bastard.
726
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:34,280
I'm just kidding.
727
00:35:34,380 --> 00:35:35,540
I come here too.
728
00:35:35,820 --> 00:35:40,480
Ashley, uh, I am... You are
not still mad at me, are you?
729
00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:45,640
Okay, Charlotte, thank you.
730
00:35:45,660 --> 00:35:47,440
Thank you very much.
731
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:50,680
Very interesting dance.
732
00:35:52,900 --> 00:35:53,900
Hey, honey.
733
00:35:54,100 --> 00:35:55,100
Who's your friend?
734
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:56,880
Ashley.
735
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:57,520
Charlotte.
736
00:35:57,640 --> 00:35:58,720
Charlotte Conroy.
737
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:00,280
Was that your sister?
738
00:36:00,540 --> 00:36:01,540
No, his wife.
739
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:02,680
I'm sorry.
740
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:03,940
You're married?
741
00:36:04,700 --> 00:36:05,700
Since when?
742
00:36:05,940 --> 00:36:06,940
Four days ago.
743
00:36:08,740 --> 00:36:12,620
We used to date until he went all feigning
goat on me.
744
00:36:12,621 --> 00:36:12,660
Oh, I see.
745
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:13,680
What the fuck?
746
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:14,920
That's my necklace.
747
00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:15,800
Oh, shit.
748
00:36:16,100 --> 00:36:17,100
What the hell, Brandon?
749
00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:17,880
Brandon?
750
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:19,900
Yeah, I left it at his place.
751
00:36:19,940 --> 00:36:21,016
He never gave it back to me.
752
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:22,040
Is that true?
753
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:24,160
Shut up.
754
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:24,800
Told ya.
755
00:36:25,060 --> 00:36:26,640
Okay, this isn't your necklace.
756
00:36:27,100 --> 00:36:27,940
The hell it isn't.
757
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:28,320
Oh, fuck.
758
00:36:28,620 --> 00:36:29,380
No, listen.
759
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,480
Your necklace I grabbed up in the garbage
disposal.
760
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:32,280
Bullshit.
761
00:36:32,380 --> 00:36:35,220
Listen, I was freaked out because I found
out my ex-fiancee got married.
762
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:36,320
Ex-fiancee?
763
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:37,896
Okay, like, you have the right to speak.
764
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:39,280
You gave me this skank's necklace.
765
00:36:39,540 --> 00:36:40,540
Oh, my God.
766
00:36:40,620 --> 00:36:41,620
This is hilarious.
767
00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:42,580
You want to know what I think?
768
00:36:42,620 --> 00:36:43,620
No.
769
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:47,560
I can't do anything.
770
00:36:47,561 --> 00:36:47,800
Can you hear me?
771
00:36:47,900 --> 00:36:48,940
John, can you do anything?
772
00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:50,120
Uh, stop!
773
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:54,040
Look at it this way.
774
00:36:54,175 --> 00:36:56,053
Most women our age
have a lot of wear and tear
775
00:36:56,054 --> 00:36:58,020
on them, but you got her
from the original owner.
776
00:36:58,100 --> 00:36:59,100
She's in mint condition.
777
00:36:59,945 --> 00:37:02,136
Anyway, you really trumped her on that
necklace debacle.
778
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:02,720
What were you thinking?
779
00:37:02,940 --> 00:37:03,620
I don't know, man.
780
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:04,940
Never the twain she'll meet.
781
00:37:05,580 --> 00:37:10,860
Okay, once, when Rena and I were married
for maybe two months, she asked me if this
782
00:37:10,861 --> 00:37:12,621
dress she was wearing made her butt look
big.
783
00:37:12,820 --> 00:37:13,640
I told her...
784
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:14,980
Yes, but I like big butts.
785
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:15,920
You know, I'm a black man.
786
00:37:16,070 --> 00:37:17,070
It nearly ruined us.
787
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:18,360
But it didn't.
788
00:37:19,125 --> 00:37:20,125
Uh, it took some work.
789
00:37:20,490 --> 00:37:22,160
And that's what you gotta do, man.
790
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,360
You gotta make some sort of grand gesture,
alright?
791
00:37:24,500 --> 00:37:26,560
Something repentant and sweet.
792
00:37:26,620 --> 00:37:28,220
Maybe a little pathetic thrown in there.
793
00:37:28,490 --> 00:37:30,520
And with any luck, it'll all be forgotten
about.
794
00:37:32,220 --> 00:37:33,220
In a few years.
795
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:36,880
Come on!
796
00:37:42,140 --> 00:37:43,760
God, it was so humiliating.
797
00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:45,380
So you both screwed up.
798
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:46,780
You each take a gimme and move on.
799
00:37:48,590 --> 00:37:50,640
I just got an email from him.
800
00:37:58,780 --> 00:38:00,850
Oh my gosh, it's so sweet.
801
00:38:02,140 --> 00:38:03,540
He just sent me the cutest apology.
802
00:38:04,110 --> 00:38:05,110
Hey, he's a peach.
803
00:38:06,030 --> 00:38:09,620
Do something nice for him tonight,
guys, aren't you?
804
00:38:09,965 --> 00:38:11,140
Oh, that sight was nasty.
805
00:38:11,700 --> 00:38:12,700
Exactly.
806
00:38:51,885 --> 00:38:53,330
This is ridiculous.
807
00:38:53,630 --> 00:38:55,166
They've been making this racket for hours.
808
00:38:55,190 --> 00:38:56,870
What in the hell are they trying to prove?
809
00:38:57,790 --> 00:38:59,210
Dan, maybe you should come to bed.
810
00:39:00,130 --> 00:39:01,230
Yeah, in a minute.
811
00:39:12,850 --> 00:39:13,850
No!
812
00:39:14,030 --> 00:39:21,610
Oh my God.
813
00:39:24,150 --> 00:39:25,610
That was incredible.
814
00:39:26,470 --> 00:39:27,470
Okay.
815
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:29,200
I gotta pee.
816
00:39:43,300 --> 00:39:45,990
I'm sure it's nothing serious.
817
00:39:46,950 --> 00:39:49,030
You haven't had problems down there
before, have you?
818
00:39:49,470 --> 00:39:50,470
Never.
819
00:39:52,690 --> 00:39:53,690
Brandon Conroy?
820
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:02,200
Hello, Mr. Conroy.
821
00:40:02,260 --> 00:40:02,520
Hi.
822
00:40:02,865 --> 00:40:03,880
I'm Dr. Sonny.
823
00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:05,140
Oh, yeah.
824
00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:06,640
I normally see Dr. Kurtzman.
825
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:07,880
Oh, he retired.
826
00:40:08,130 --> 00:40:09,380
Five or six months ago.
827
00:40:09,850 --> 00:40:11,140
This is my first week.
828
00:40:12,380 --> 00:40:13,380
Welcome.
829
00:40:14,645 --> 00:40:15,645
So, what's the problem?
830
00:40:15,965 --> 00:40:18,200
It's like someone took a sandblaster to my
boomstick.
831
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:20,120
Let's have a look.
832
00:40:24,070 --> 00:40:25,070
Oh my God.
833
00:40:25,790 --> 00:40:28,400
This looks like something I saw in my
tropical disease seminar.
834
00:40:29,085 --> 00:40:30,325
How long has it been like this?
835
00:40:30,435 --> 00:40:31,435
Just since this morning.
836
00:40:31,610 --> 00:40:33,580
And before that, was your penis normal?
837
00:40:34,270 --> 00:40:36,600
Or has it always been disfigured?
838
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:38,360
No, normal.
839
00:40:38,460 --> 00:40:39,460
It's normal.
840
00:40:39,820 --> 00:40:41,136
Do you work with toxic chemicals?
841
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:41,400
No.
842
00:40:41,820 --> 00:40:43,596
Have you recently spent time in the
African bush?
843
00:40:43,620 --> 00:40:43,840
No.
844
00:40:44,180 --> 00:40:46,340
Have you had sex with any prostitutes from
that region?
845
00:40:46,341 --> 00:40:46,640
No.
846
00:40:47,140 --> 00:40:48,480
Any exposure to monkey feces?
847
00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:49,840
Monkey feces?
848
00:40:50,010 --> 00:40:51,760
So, no interspecies intercourse?
849
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:52,920
Oh, for fuck's sake.
850
00:40:52,921 --> 00:40:53,080
No!
851
00:40:53,460 --> 00:40:56,340
Mr. Conroy, I am going to need the names
of all your sexual partners.
852
00:40:59,490 --> 00:41:01,940
Get Dr. Palmer down here right away to
look at Mr. Conroy.
853
00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:04,520
We have a possible miasmic STD of unknown
origin.
854
00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:06,000
Is it that serious?
855
00:41:06,910 --> 00:41:09,080
He's had sex with 21 women in the last
four years.
856
00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:09,840
Go, go.
857
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:10,880
Go, go.
858
00:41:12,490 --> 00:41:14,170
I've never seen anything like this before.
859
00:41:14,380 --> 00:41:16,000
It's like a mix of genital herpes...
860
00:41:16,340 --> 00:41:17,500
syphilis and a gunshot wound.
861
00:41:18,530 --> 00:41:19,610
Maybe it's a mutant hybrid.
862
00:41:21,310 --> 00:41:22,700
Did you ask about monkey feces?
863
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:23,440
I did.
864
00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:24,680
And negative.
865
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:27,320
Sterile swab.
866
00:41:27,740 --> 00:41:28,740
Whoa.
867
00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:30,160
What's up with the swab?
868
00:41:30,655 --> 00:41:34,220
I'm going to insert this into your
urethra, get a culture, run a test,
869
00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:36,056
and see if we can't figure out what's
going on with you.
870
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:37,080
Okay?
871
00:41:37,460 --> 00:41:38,460
Okay.
872
00:41:40,900 --> 00:41:41,900
Hmm.
873
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:44,080
Oh!
874
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:45,120
Oh!
875
00:41:53,650 --> 00:41:54,650
Oh, God.
876
00:41:54,930 --> 00:41:55,490
There we go.
877
00:41:55,650 --> 00:41:56,650
It wasn't so bad, was it?
878
00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:02,730
I'm so sorry.
879
00:42:03,350 --> 00:42:03,770
It's okay.
880
00:42:03,830 --> 00:42:04,350
We got another one.
881
00:42:04,630 --> 00:42:05,630
No, that's good.
882
00:42:05,770 --> 00:42:06,770
I'm sure that's fine.
883
00:42:07,750 --> 00:42:08,390
Come on.
884
00:42:08,391 --> 00:42:09,391
Three-second rule, right?
885
00:42:10,110 --> 00:42:10,570
It's okay.
886
00:42:10,690 --> 00:42:11,930
Let's try this again, shall we?
887
00:42:13,110 --> 00:42:14,110
Please, no.
888
00:42:27,410 --> 00:42:28,410
Hey.
889
00:42:28,810 --> 00:42:29,810
Oh, sweetie.
890
00:42:30,250 --> 00:42:31,250
Thank God you're here.
891
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:32,360
How are you doing, honey?
892
00:42:32,850 --> 00:42:34,230
They don't know what I have.
893
00:42:34,730 --> 00:42:37,672
Well, I'm sure everything
will be okay once they figure
894
00:42:37,673 --> 00:42:40,390
out which one of your 21
sluts gave you the disease.
895
00:42:41,250 --> 00:42:42,930
Whatever happened to quality over
quantity?
896
00:42:43,570 --> 00:42:44,610
The numbers don't matter.
897
00:42:44,790 --> 00:42:46,110
I always wore condoms.
898
00:42:47,330 --> 00:42:48,330
Except with you.
899
00:42:48,490 --> 00:42:49,290
Oh, please.
900
00:42:49,490 --> 00:42:51,690
I only slept with one man for 14 years.
901
00:42:51,810 --> 00:42:52,850
But who did he sleep with, huh?
902
00:42:52,851 --> 00:42:54,410
You are so full of shit.
903
00:42:56,230 --> 00:42:57,230
I'm his wife.
904
00:42:57,410 --> 00:42:58,010
Oh, yes.
905
00:42:58,030 --> 00:42:59,030
I imagine so.
906
00:42:59,110 --> 00:43:00,090
I'm Dr. Dietz.
907
00:43:00,130 --> 00:43:02,370
Now, let's see what all this excitement's
about.
908
00:43:05,100 --> 00:43:06,666
You already checked for monkey feces,
right?
909
00:43:06,690 --> 00:43:07,690
I did.
910
00:43:14,930 --> 00:43:17,280
Mr. Conroy, you have cystitis.
911
00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:18,160
Oh, God.
912
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:19,480
Shit.
913
00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:21,980
Commonly known as Honeymooners' disease.
914
00:43:22,980 --> 00:43:24,840
From too much intense sexual activity.
915
00:43:26,285 --> 00:43:27,080
You just need to give it a try.
916
00:43:27,100 --> 00:43:28,260
Give the little fella a rest.
917
00:43:28,820 --> 00:43:30,500
Avoid sex for four or five days.
918
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:33,480
Only touch it when absolutely necessary.
919
00:43:33,820 --> 00:43:35,380
And you'll be right as rain in no time.
920
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:37,080
Oh, thank God.
921
00:43:38,620 --> 00:43:39,620
Oh, thank you.
922
00:43:40,140 --> 00:43:41,140
You can put that down.
923
00:43:41,700 --> 00:43:42,700
I'm sorry.
924
00:43:44,370 --> 00:43:45,180
So let me get this straight.
925
00:43:45,385 --> 00:43:47,360
They swabbed your schlong twice.
926
00:43:47,540 --> 00:43:48,540
Yet they didn't have to.
927
00:43:49,420 --> 00:43:50,420
Yeah.
928
00:43:54,470 --> 00:43:55,470
Oh, boy.
929
00:43:56,505 --> 00:43:57,940
That is marriage in a nutshell.
930
00:43:58,300 --> 00:43:59,300
Isn't it?
931
00:44:05,470 --> 00:44:06,240
Mrs. Halverson.
932
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:07,880
I was just getting ready for tomorrow.
933
00:44:08,375 --> 00:44:09,600
I'm afraid there's a problem.
934
00:44:09,965 --> 00:44:11,660
We just received your background check.
935
00:44:12,820 --> 00:44:14,060
You were arrested for a felony.
936
00:44:15,140 --> 00:44:17,200
But I received a deferred adjudication.
937
00:44:17,300 --> 00:44:18,300
I wasn't convicted.
938
00:44:18,590 --> 00:44:20,270
I was still able to teach in West
Virginia.
939
00:44:21,540 --> 00:44:24,240
Obviously, we hold a higher standard here
at Van Nuys Christian.
940
00:44:25,220 --> 00:44:26,000
I'm an excellent teacher.
941
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:27,000
I've been teaching
for... I'm sorry.
942
00:44:27,700 --> 00:44:29,180
Maybe if you hadn't been dishonest.
943
00:44:29,830 --> 00:44:31,830
But we're going to have to terminate your
contract.
944
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:33,300
I'm sorry.
945
00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:35,040
I didn't mean to lie.
946
00:44:35,100 --> 00:44:36,840
I was just trying to make a good
impression.
947
00:44:38,890 --> 00:44:39,890
Don't apologize to me.
948
00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:41,320
Apologize to Jesus.
949
00:45:14,060 --> 00:45:16,416
You're still upset about what happened
yesterday, aren't you?
950
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:17,440
Yeah.
951
00:45:17,530 --> 00:45:18,700
I mean, no.
952
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:22,880
Look, we've both made mistakes.
953
00:45:22,940 --> 00:45:27,500
And I don't think we should judge each other
for things that happened before we met.
954
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:28,460
Yeah, no.
955
00:45:28,461 --> 00:45:29,700
I completely agree.
956
00:45:30,555 --> 00:45:31,780
The past is the past.
957
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,900
And we should just be looking forward to
the road ahead together.
958
00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:48,580
At least it's all out in the open now.
959
00:45:52,090 --> 00:45:53,120
Look, I want to tell you.
960
00:45:53,180 --> 00:45:58,940
I need to tell you that I agree 100%.
961
00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:00,920
Good.
962
00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:05,276
Oh, this is one of my favorite episodes.
963
00:46:05,300 --> 00:46:05,880
Have you seen this one?
964
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:07,040
No, no.
965
00:46:07,180 --> 00:46:08,100
Oh, no.
966
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:09,160
This is a classic.
967
00:46:14,340 --> 00:46:16,220
You are doomed, you piece of shit.
968
00:46:16,620 --> 00:46:18,000
I was a policewoman.
969
00:46:18,420 --> 00:46:19,900
I could have fallen in love with you.
970
00:46:22,100 --> 00:46:23,520
I only live by the law.
971
00:46:24,000 --> 00:46:27,300
Ah, I won a Golden Heidi for that episode.
972
00:46:33,060 --> 00:46:34,060
I'll be right back.
973
00:46:50,900 --> 00:46:51,900
Hey.
974
00:46:52,270 --> 00:46:53,310
Packed your lunch for you.
975
00:46:53,420 --> 00:46:54,420
Oh, my God.
976
00:46:54,980 --> 00:46:56,260
Where did you find this?
977
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:57,520
Ah, I made it.
978
00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:01,160
Knock him dead, honey.
979
00:47:17,270 --> 00:47:19,030
I feel like such a scam artist.
980
00:47:19,590 --> 00:47:21,290
I'm not built for this kind of deception.
981
00:47:22,405 --> 00:47:24,607
OK, well, why don't you
just find another job real
982
00:47:24,608 --> 00:47:27,051
quick and then tell Brandon
you got a better offer.
983
00:47:27,195 --> 00:47:28,630
Finding one's not the problem.
984
00:47:28,631 --> 00:47:28,870
No problem.
985
00:47:28,871 --> 00:47:29,911
I have an interview at 12.
986
00:47:30,150 --> 00:47:31,630
I just... I mean, what's the point?
987
00:47:31,890 --> 00:47:32,930
They're gonna vet me, too.
988
00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:36,310
No one wants to let some low-down ex-con
near their children.
989
00:47:37,950 --> 00:47:38,350
No!
990
00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:39,130
I got it!
991
00:47:39,170 --> 00:47:39,390
Okay.
992
00:47:39,790 --> 00:47:41,150
Your middle name is Lauren, right?
993
00:47:41,530 --> 00:47:43,917
So why don't you spell
it L-A-U-R-A-N instead
994
00:47:43,918 --> 00:47:47,011
of E-N and then your
record won't come up.
995
00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:48,040
Would that really work?
996
00:47:48,250 --> 00:47:48,950
I don't know.
997
00:47:48,990 --> 00:47:49,990
What do you gotta lose?
998
00:47:51,130 --> 00:47:51,710
You know what?
999
00:47:51,990 --> 00:47:52,390
Nothing.
1000
00:47:52,630 --> 00:47:53,190
You're right.
1001
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:54,480
You are absolutely right.
1002
00:47:54,835 --> 00:47:55,870
Thank you so much.
1003
00:47:55,910 --> 00:47:56,910
You are a total genius.
1004
00:48:00,210 --> 00:48:01,410
My car won't start!
1005
00:48:01,750 --> 00:48:02,410
Oh, okay.
1006
00:48:02,470 --> 00:48:04,170
Why don't you just call Brandon real quick
and then ask him...
1007
00:48:04,171 --> 00:48:05,948
I'll call Brandon and ask him
to take me to a job interview
1008
00:48:05,949 --> 00:48:07,886
when I'm supposed to be
at a job that I already have.
1009
00:48:07,910 --> 00:48:08,510
Oh, goodbye!
1010
00:48:08,730 --> 00:48:09,730
Shit.
1011
00:48:11,190 --> 00:48:12,190
Shit.
1012
00:48:16,330 --> 00:48:17,330
Hey, Charlotte.
1013
00:48:17,390 --> 00:48:18,390
Hi, Dan.
1014
00:48:19,670 --> 00:48:22,450
Bye, Dan.
1015
00:48:22,810 --> 00:48:23,810
Bye.
1016
00:48:28,750 --> 00:48:29,750
No, no,
1017
00:48:36,740 --> 00:48:39,060
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
1018
00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:43,240
Damn it!
1019
00:48:56,080 --> 00:49:00,538
Eight years teaching
first grade, volunteer for
1020
00:49:00,539 --> 00:49:04,260
the Red Cross, Girl Scout
camp summer leader.
1021
00:49:05,160 --> 00:49:06,160
Oh!
1022
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:07,720
You went to UWV.
1023
00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:08,800
Yeah.
1024
00:49:09,240 --> 00:49:10,000
Proud Mountaineer here.
1025
00:49:10,001 --> 00:49:11,001
You too?
1026
00:49:11,050 --> 00:49:12,050
Teal pride.
1027
00:49:18,460 --> 00:49:20,660
Oh, is Professor Vasek still there?
1028
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:21,280
Oh, yes.
1029
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:22,260
I loved him.
1030
00:49:22,360 --> 00:49:23,360
He was, he was amazing.
1031
00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:26,120
Well, I know you had an excellent
education.
1032
00:49:27,140 --> 00:49:29,840
Actually, Mrs. Newton, there's something
that I need to tell you.
1033
00:49:31,260 --> 00:49:32,260
Um...
1034
00:49:32,425 --> 00:49:33,425
Hey, Brandon.
1035
00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:34,840
Hey, bro.
1036
00:49:37,480 --> 00:49:39,240
Look, there's no easy way to say this,
man.
1037
00:49:40,460 --> 00:49:43,180
A senior project manager over at Plan C is
moving the building.
1038
00:49:43,181 --> 00:49:46,600
We're moving to London, so Matthew called
and offered me the job.
1039
00:49:49,380 --> 00:49:50,460
What can I say, man?
1040
00:49:50,580 --> 00:49:51,740
I'm a weasel.
1041
00:49:52,430 --> 00:49:53,800
I'm a weasel and I'm a sellout.
1042
00:49:56,680 --> 00:49:57,080
Wow.
1043
00:49:57,081 --> 00:49:58,081
Thanks.
1044
00:49:58,320 --> 00:49:59,060
No bullshit.
1045
00:49:59,220 --> 00:50:00,080
I fought for you.
1046
00:50:00,120 --> 00:50:00,700
I swear, man.
1047
00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:02,520
Look, I'm old.
1048
00:50:03,140 --> 00:50:05,220
I got alimony payments up the wing.
1049
00:50:05,900 --> 00:50:07,256
You can still use the office if you want.
1050
00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:07,380
No.
1051
00:50:07,840 --> 00:50:08,980
It's your garage and all.
1052
00:50:14,060 --> 00:50:14,460
Yeah.
1053
00:50:14,540 --> 00:50:15,540
And, uh...
1054
00:50:16,455 --> 00:50:18,215
So I just, I wanted to be completely
upfront.
1055
00:50:18,690 --> 00:50:20,300
I appreciate your can to Charlotte.
1056
00:50:21,810 --> 00:50:24,674
And I like to think that
we're a little more forgiving
1057
00:50:24,675 --> 00:50:27,100
than the Christians over at
Van Nuys Christian School.
1058
00:50:28,500 --> 00:50:29,920
So, I'll get back to you.
1059
00:50:30,420 --> 00:50:31,420
Okay.
1060
00:50:52,560 --> 00:50:57,980
Hi, um, I, I am... I need to report a
stolen car, or a missing car.
1061
00:50:58,100 --> 00:50:59,620
I don't know where it is.
1062
00:50:59,720 --> 00:51:00,720
Um...
1063
00:51:01,620 --> 00:51:02,900
I, I don't know the license plate number.
1064
00:51:02,901 --> 00:51:04,440
Look, it's, it's a Mustang.
1065
00:51:04,580 --> 00:51:05,380
It's really old.
1066
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:08,100
It's, uh, uh, there can't be that many of
them.
1067
00:51:08,200 --> 00:51:10,448
I, look, I was really hoping
that maybe you could help me
1068
00:51:10,449 --> 00:51:12,821
find this car before my husband
finds out that it's missing.
1069
00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:16,880
Oh, my God.
1070
00:51:21,560 --> 00:51:22,960
Call Brandon Conroy.
1071
00:51:29,910 --> 00:51:30,910
Girl.
1072
00:51:31,250 --> 00:51:31,850
No, stop!
1073
00:51:32,110 --> 00:51:33,110
Stop!
1074
00:51:38,340 --> 00:51:38,740
Charlotte!
1075
00:51:38,741 --> 00:51:39,741
Charlotte!
1076
00:51:39,780 --> 00:51:40,780
Charlotte!
1077
00:51:44,950 --> 00:51:46,550
Dan, something horrible has happened.
1078
00:51:46,750 --> 00:51:46,890
What?
1079
00:51:47,310 --> 00:51:48,590
Brandon's Mustang was stolen.
1080
00:51:48,950 --> 00:51:49,950
No, not the Mustang.
1081
00:51:50,010 --> 00:51:51,670
Yeah, he is going to be furious.
1082
00:51:52,505 --> 00:51:53,505
Did you call the police?
1083
00:51:54,010 --> 00:51:57,090
Yes, and when I didn't know the license
plate number, they just laughed at me.
1084
00:51:57,430 --> 00:51:59,070
Do you, do you happen to know the number?
1085
00:51:59,150 --> 00:52:00,150
Yes, I do.
1086
00:52:00,590 --> 00:52:02,850
I'm so crazy about that stupid car,
anyways!
1087
00:52:03,620 --> 00:52:04,700
But I thought you loved it!
1088
00:52:04,890 --> 00:52:07,218
Yeah, I mean, it's, it's
fun to cruise around in
1089
00:52:07,238 --> 00:52:09,330
sometimes, but, I mean,
come on, it's ridiculous.
1090
00:52:09,630 --> 00:52:13,991
It's just some loud, gas-guzzling,
middle-aged mobile for men with tiny dicks.
1091
00:52:23,070 --> 00:52:23,770
Charlotte Conroy!
1092
00:52:23,950 --> 00:52:24,950
I need to see her!
1093
00:52:25,910 --> 00:52:29,990
Put it back!
1094
00:52:30,470 --> 00:52:32,390
No, I had a GPS tracker on it.
1095
00:52:32,570 --> 00:52:33,170
Oh my God!
1096
00:52:33,210 --> 00:52:33,650
Oh my God!
1097
00:52:33,651 --> 00:52:34,770
Dan, thank you so much!
1098
00:52:34,950 --> 00:52:35,710
Thank you so much!
1099
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:37,310
You totally saved my life!
1100
00:52:39,270 --> 00:52:40,490
Wait, why do you have it?
1101
00:52:40,570 --> 00:52:41,090
It's mine!
1102
00:52:41,170 --> 00:52:41,890
It's mine, Charlotte!
1103
00:52:41,970 --> 00:52:42,770
It's always been mine!
1104
00:52:42,790 --> 00:52:43,490
It wasn't stolen!
1105
00:52:43,530 --> 00:52:44,530
I just took it back!
1106
00:52:44,750 --> 00:52:46,450
But the car belongs to Brandon.
1107
00:52:46,570 --> 00:52:47,570
No, it doesn't!
1108
00:52:47,870 --> 00:52:49,270
He borrowed it from me!
1109
00:52:49,350 --> 00:52:50,950
I, I guess he was trying to impress you.
1110
00:52:51,850 --> 00:52:53,290
Why would that impress me?
1111
00:52:53,715 --> 00:52:54,770
Um, I don't know.
1112
00:52:54,890 --> 00:52:58,670
Maybe because it makes him look cool,
and a little less broke.
1113
00:52:59,410 --> 00:53:00,010
Brandon's broke?
1114
00:53:00,130 --> 00:53:01,130
I shouldn't say anything.
1115
00:53:01,250 --> 00:53:01,810
I'm so sorry.
1116
00:53:01,970 --> 00:53:02,970
I...
1117
00:53:03,730 --> 00:53:04,590
He's worse than broke.
1118
00:53:04,630 --> 00:53:05,630
He's in, like, debt.
1119
00:53:05,710 --> 00:53:07,310
Calamitous, crushing debt.
1120
00:53:07,410 --> 00:53:07,790
You know what?
1121
00:53:08,130 --> 00:53:09,686
You know, I'm glad I'm saying something.
1122
00:53:09,710 --> 00:53:10,710
This is for his own good.
1123
00:53:11,630 --> 00:53:12,630
I feel better.
1124
00:53:15,390 --> 00:53:16,630
Charlotte no longer works here.
1125
00:53:17,690 --> 00:53:18,690
What?
1126
00:53:18,750 --> 00:53:19,470
We had to let her go.
1127
00:53:19,570 --> 00:53:21,210
She has a felony for assault and battery.
1128
00:53:21,980 --> 00:53:24,500
It's shocking that someone so
well-mannered could be so vicious.
1129
00:53:52,780 --> 00:53:53,780
Hey.
1130
00:53:54,900 --> 00:53:55,900
Hey.
1131
00:54:00,090 --> 00:54:01,090
Hey.
1132
00:54:01,350 --> 00:54:03,150
What was up with that phone call today?
1133
00:54:04,765 --> 00:54:06,770
Oh, uh, sorry.
1134
00:54:06,910 --> 00:54:08,810
Someone almost backed into my car.
1135
00:54:11,010 --> 00:54:11,450
Oh.
1136
00:54:11,451 --> 00:54:12,510
But you're okay now?
1137
00:54:12,730 --> 00:54:13,090
Oh, yeah.
1138
00:54:13,430 --> 00:54:14,430
Oh.
1139
00:54:14,750 --> 00:54:15,750
Yeah.
1140
00:54:16,030 --> 00:54:17,030
That's good.
1141
00:54:18,370 --> 00:54:19,390
So how was work?
1142
00:54:20,700 --> 00:54:21,780
Good day with all the kids?
1143
00:54:22,870 --> 00:54:23,870
Yeah, great.
1144
00:54:24,850 --> 00:54:25,850
How about you?
1145
00:54:26,030 --> 00:54:27,030
Make lots of money?
1146
00:54:29,230 --> 00:54:30,230
Yeah.
1147
00:54:31,550 --> 00:54:32,550
That's good.
1148
00:54:38,470 --> 00:54:40,230
By the way, your Aunt Sally Mae wrote.
1149
00:54:40,660 --> 00:54:42,430
She'd like her $56,000 back.
1150
00:54:47,490 --> 00:54:49,170
Why are you going through my mail?
1151
00:54:49,815 --> 00:54:51,770
Well, don't you mean our mail,
dear?
1152
00:54:52,200 --> 00:54:52,910
We're married.
1153
00:54:52,930 --> 00:54:53,930
We share everything.
1154
00:54:54,010 --> 00:54:55,610
Including a buttload of debt.
1155
00:54:56,010 --> 00:54:56,230
Huh.
1156
00:54:56,470 --> 00:54:57,150
You want to share?
1157
00:54:57,490 --> 00:54:57,890
Okay.
1158
00:54:58,070 --> 00:54:59,070
Let's share.
1159
00:54:59,795 --> 00:55:01,675
Tell me about the felony you committed,
darling.
1160
00:55:03,010 --> 00:55:03,410
What?
1161
00:55:04,010 --> 00:55:05,730
You know, that thing you lost your job
over.
1162
00:55:07,450 --> 00:55:08,490
You don't understand.
1163
00:55:08,770 --> 00:55:09,770
No, I think I do.
1164
00:55:09,830 --> 00:55:10,610
Assault and battery.
1165
00:55:10,790 --> 00:55:11,770
It's right there in the title.
1166
00:55:11,790 --> 00:55:12,790
Pretty self-explanatory.
1167
00:55:12,850 --> 00:55:13,950
It was my ex-fiancé.
1168
00:55:13,951 --> 00:55:14,210
Oh!
1169
00:55:14,370 --> 00:55:15,886
Well, that should help me sleep at night.
1170
00:55:15,910 --> 00:55:16,910
It wasn't ex-fiancé!
1171
00:55:18,230 --> 00:55:19,230
And you know what?
1172
00:55:19,730 --> 00:55:20,850
I wasn't convicted.
1173
00:55:21,220 --> 00:55:23,130
And at least I paid my debt to society.
1174
00:55:23,430 --> 00:55:24,430
Unlike you.
1175
00:55:24,625 --> 00:55:26,550
Student loans aren't a crime.
1176
00:55:26,910 --> 00:55:28,490
They are if you don't pay them!
1177
00:55:28,530 --> 00:55:28,770
Whoa!
1178
00:55:28,790 --> 00:55:30,170
Please don't stab me with your shiv.
1179
00:55:30,171 --> 00:55:32,011
They'll send you back to the joint,
sweetheart.
1180
00:55:32,750 --> 00:55:35,910
At least there, you know who people are.
1181
00:55:36,790 --> 00:55:39,650
Then why don't you call your warden and
get your old bunk back?
1182
00:55:40,030 --> 00:55:42,490
I have let a lot of shit slide.
1183
00:55:42,890 --> 00:55:43,630
Like what?
1184
00:55:43,631 --> 00:55:46,510
You don't know the first thing about
cooking.
1185
00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:50,270
Philip Seymour Hoffman is not the
quarterback for the San Diego Chargers.
1186
00:55:50,470 --> 00:55:52,830
And you, sir, are no Lance Armstrong.
1187
00:55:53,010 --> 00:55:53,530
Three words.
1188
00:55:53,850 --> 00:55:55,690
Salsa dancing champion.
1189
00:55:56,090 --> 00:56:01,230
Oh, and how long did you think that you
could pretend that stupid car was yours?
1190
00:56:01,970 --> 00:56:02,650
Goddamn, Dan.
1191
00:56:02,910 --> 00:56:04,010
And the worst part?
1192
00:56:04,170 --> 00:56:08,270
The worst part is that you made me look
like an idiot in front of Dan and Rita.
1193
00:56:08,370 --> 00:56:11,150
They're like the only friends that I have
in this miserable place.
1194
00:56:11,350 --> 00:56:13,090
Hey, you make me look like an idiot,
too.
1195
00:56:13,091 --> 00:56:14,211
I didn't know who I married.
1196
00:56:14,250 --> 00:56:16,779
Are you this sweet,
adorable schoolteacher
1197
00:56:16,780 --> 00:56:19,570
or some deranged ripter
come to ruin my life?
1198
00:56:19,730 --> 00:56:23,590
Well, if you really feel that way,
then maybe, maybe we should just both
1199
00:56:23,591 --> 00:56:25,970
admit that we made a mistake and then just
split ways.
1200
00:56:26,090 --> 00:56:26,370
You know what?
1201
00:56:26,410 --> 00:56:27,070
Maybe we should.
1202
00:56:27,250 --> 00:56:27,430
Yeah?
1203
00:56:27,610 --> 00:56:28,610
Yeah.
1204
00:56:29,070 --> 00:56:29,510
Fine.
1205
00:56:30,070 --> 00:56:30,510
Fine.
1206
00:56:30,750 --> 00:56:31,750
Fine.
1207
00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:35,870
How long you two been hitched?
1208
00:56:36,710 --> 00:56:37,710
Ten days.
1209
00:56:38,450 --> 00:56:39,450
Ten days?
1210
00:56:40,660 --> 00:56:42,770
Are you celebrities of some sort?
1211
00:56:43,090 --> 00:56:43,310
No.
1212
00:56:43,950 --> 00:56:44,950
Peculiar.
1213
00:56:45,335 --> 00:56:46,815
So, how do we get this thing started?
1214
00:56:46,935 --> 00:56:48,306
Well, first of all, let me be clear.
1215
00:56:48,330 --> 00:56:52,930
I'm acting as a neutral third party
helping to negotiate a fair settlement.
1216
00:56:53,610 --> 00:56:54,770
There's nothing to negotiate.
1217
00:56:55,190 --> 00:56:56,630
We're in complete divorce agreement.
1218
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:58,710
That's the only thing we're in agreement
on.
1219
00:56:58,910 --> 00:56:59,910
Fair enough.
1220
00:57:00,210 --> 00:57:03,790
I'll drop the contract and y'all can come
by next Thursday and sign it.
1221
00:57:03,990 --> 00:57:04,490
Thursday?
1222
00:57:04,830 --> 00:57:05,830
Why not today?
1223
00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:09,870
Uh, don't you have any generic forms lying
around like divorcezoom.com?
1224
00:57:10,430 --> 00:57:11,430
Generic forms?
1225
00:57:12,870 --> 00:57:13,270
Ever.
1226
00:57:13,271 --> 00:57:14,310
Divorce is unique.
1227
00:57:15,210 --> 00:57:18,550
Regardless of race, religion, or sexual
preference.
1228
00:57:20,090 --> 00:57:21,726
Now, how would you like to handle my fee?
1229
00:57:21,750 --> 00:57:22,750
We'll split it.
1230
00:57:23,395 --> 00:57:25,475
You got that much or do you need to get
another loan?
1231
00:57:26,490 --> 00:57:28,390
You sure Thursday's the best you can do?
1232
00:57:33,880 --> 00:57:35,000
So, where are you staying?
1233
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:38,800
What?
1234
00:57:38,860 --> 00:57:39,860
It's my apartment.
1235
00:57:40,430 --> 00:57:43,260
I gave up my job, my home, and my best
friend for you.
1236
00:57:43,261 --> 00:57:46,020
I'm not leaving the apartment and I'm not
paying you rent.
1237
00:57:46,260 --> 00:57:50,800
Well, you better start cooking or cleaning
or, you know, doing something.
1238
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:51,660
Asshole!
1239
00:57:51,940 --> 00:57:53,520
And your car sucks!
1240
00:57:59,140 --> 00:58:05,860
Will I watch you wake up in the morning
forgetting the love from the night before?
1241
00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:13,760
Was it whiskey who kissed me and promised
to be my lover forevermore?
1242
00:58:13,761 --> 00:58:16,040
I thought that it was you.
1243
00:58:16,570 --> 00:58:17,820
Was I wrong?
1244
00:58:18,580 --> 00:58:22,120
Have I longed for you too long?
1245
00:58:23,120 --> 00:58:27,160
Sorry for loving you, darling,
I'm moving along.
1246
00:58:27,161 --> 00:58:28,540
I'm so sorry, Char.
1247
00:58:28,820 --> 00:58:30,280
Men are such turds.
1248
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:35,100
I said I'm sorry for loving you,
darling, I'm moving along.
1249
00:58:39,130 --> 00:58:39,450
Let's go.
1250
00:58:39,630 --> 00:58:40,290
No, no.
1251
00:58:40,390 --> 00:58:41,646
We're waiting for the reinforcements.
1252
00:58:41,670 --> 00:58:43,250
Just organize four ambulances.
1253
00:58:43,890 --> 00:58:45,390
No, there are five of them.
1254
00:58:45,610 --> 00:58:46,250
I know.
1255
00:58:46,390 --> 00:58:46,790
It's Christmas.
1256
00:58:46,950 --> 00:58:47,950
I'm in a good mood.
1257
00:58:52,070 --> 00:58:53,793
And then what you want to
think, you want to subtract
1258
00:58:53,794 --> 00:58:56,090
the top number from the
other one you got right there.
1259
00:58:56,650 --> 00:58:57,050
Okay.
1260
00:58:57,450 --> 00:58:58,450
You got it!
1261
00:58:58,930 --> 00:58:59,330
Awesome!
1262
00:58:59,530 --> 00:59:00,530
Good job!
1263
00:59:02,250 --> 00:59:06,330
Sue me for loving you, darling,
I'm moving along.
1264
00:59:09,310 --> 00:59:12,070
I said sue me for loving you.
1265
00:59:12,071 --> 00:59:14,310
I'll just be moving along.
1266
00:59:15,190 --> 00:59:16,630
Frozen dregsack!
1267
00:59:20,050 --> 00:59:21,050
Yodeling!
1268
00:59:28,430 --> 00:59:29,510
Frozen dregsack.
1269
00:59:32,310 --> 00:59:33,610
Have a great day at work.
1270
00:59:35,470 --> 00:59:36,470
Love you!
1271
00:59:37,950 --> 00:59:45,950
All I wanna do is be good to you And you
say you don't know if you want it If you
1272
00:59:45,951 --> 00:59:52,150
want me to be bad No, I haven't done much,
um, any animated porn.
1273
00:59:52,310 --> 00:59:53,310
But I am a fast learner.
1274
00:59:53,590 --> 00:59:54,870
And I love animation.
1275
00:59:55,750 --> 00:59:56,750
And porn.
1276
00:59:57,140 --> 00:59:58,140
So, uh, win-win.
1277
00:59:58,650 --> 01:00:00,190
Okay, well please keep me in mind.
1278
01:00:00,550 --> 01:00:01,290
Thank you.
1279
01:00:01,410 --> 01:00:05,170
Sue me for loving you, I'll just be moving
along.
1280
01:00:07,390 --> 01:00:07,950
Surprise!
1281
01:00:08,370 --> 01:00:08,610
Surprise!
1282
01:00:08,970 --> 01:00:10,110
Happy birthday!
1283
01:00:10,430 --> 01:00:11,430
Happy birthday, son!
1284
01:00:12,510 --> 01:00:13,070
Wow!
1285
01:00:13,071 --> 01:00:15,050
Uh, I didn't expect...
1286
01:00:15,940 --> 01:00:16,940
How was Antarctica?
1287
01:00:17,370 --> 01:00:17,770
Amazing.
1288
01:00:18,220 --> 01:00:19,220
Your mother was the hero.
1289
01:00:19,490 --> 01:00:21,850
She devised a scheme to foul the prop of
the niche in Nauru.
1290
01:00:22,055 --> 01:00:24,870
And your father was shot in the balls by
one of the Japanese deckhands.
1291
01:00:25,220 --> 01:00:26,220
With a rubber bullet.
1292
01:00:26,470 --> 01:00:27,770
It swelled up like coconuts.
1293
01:00:28,150 --> 01:00:30,310
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
1294
01:00:30,530 --> 01:00:31,450
Looking good, boy!
1295
01:00:31,490 --> 01:00:32,710
So good to see you!
1296
01:00:32,970 --> 01:00:33,230
Yeah!
1297
01:00:33,790 --> 01:00:34,790
Looking good.
1298
01:00:35,150 --> 01:00:36,150
Hey,
1299
01:00:43,380 --> 01:00:44,120
what'd you tell him?
1300
01:00:44,280 --> 01:00:44,660
About what?
1301
01:00:45,180 --> 01:00:45,840
About us.
1302
01:00:45,860 --> 01:00:46,360
About the divorce.
1303
01:00:46,740 --> 01:00:47,080
When?
1304
01:00:47,340 --> 01:00:49,096
They haven't stopped talking since they
got here.
1305
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:50,120
Oh, thank God.
1306
01:00:50,930 --> 01:00:52,180
You're gonna have to tell them.
1307
01:00:52,340 --> 01:00:53,060
Well, not tonight.
1308
01:00:53,180 --> 01:00:54,180
It's my birthday.
1309
01:00:54,310 --> 01:00:55,540
Plus, it's humiliating.
1310
01:00:55,805 --> 01:00:57,420
Their marriage has lasted 32 years.
1311
01:00:57,540 --> 01:00:59,420
Ours lasted about as long as a Hobbit
movie.
1312
01:01:01,180 --> 01:01:02,320
Happy birthday, son.
1313
01:01:02,940 --> 01:01:05,020
My charitable works continue, I see.
1314
01:01:06,440 --> 01:01:07,440
What's this?
1315
01:01:07,800 --> 01:01:11,560
Two tickets to Tahiti for an all-inclusive
stay at Brando.
1316
01:01:11,700 --> 01:01:13,580
It's a luxury eco-resort.
1317
01:01:13,840 --> 01:01:15,420
I could have been a contender.
1318
01:01:16,780 --> 01:01:20,300
Because my son and his beautiful bride
deserve the absolute best.
1319
01:01:21,200 --> 01:01:22,360
Honeymoon that money can buy.
1320
01:01:24,160 --> 01:01:26,516
Speaking of honeymoons,
you know your father and
1321
01:01:26,517 --> 01:01:28,841
I are undergoing a bit of
a second one right now.
1322
01:01:29,400 --> 01:01:33,100
Let's just say we're experiencing a
refreshed sense of sexual energy.
1323
01:01:33,560 --> 01:01:35,380
It's exploring our aging bodies.
1324
01:01:36,300 --> 01:01:38,800
So many delicious new cavities to explore.
1325
01:01:42,310 --> 01:01:46,000
Well, it's a very thoughtful gift,
and I thank you very much.
1326
01:01:46,260 --> 01:01:47,740
It's thoughtful, isn't it, Charlotte?
1327
01:01:48,280 --> 01:01:49,080
Yeah, yeah.
1328
01:01:49,160 --> 01:01:50,160
Thank you so much.
1329
01:01:50,420 --> 01:01:51,880
Okay, let's have a photo.
1330
01:01:51,920 --> 01:01:52,940
Hold up your present.
1331
01:01:56,470 --> 01:01:58,240
This isn't the Middle East peace talks.
1332
01:01:58,500 --> 01:01:59,500
How about a kiss?
1333
01:02:05,340 --> 01:02:06,340
Lovely.
1334
01:02:19,150 --> 01:02:20,890
I'm sensing a little bit of disharmony.
1335
01:02:22,070 --> 01:02:25,230
I'm sorry, I'm just feeling
a bit, um... Yeah, I know.
1336
01:02:25,350 --> 01:02:26,050
Is it Brandon?
1337
01:02:26,310 --> 01:02:29,690
You know, because he's a sweet boy, but
he can also be a massive pain in the ass.
1338
01:02:29,691 --> 01:02:30,691
Trust me, I know.
1339
01:02:32,650 --> 01:02:33,650
No, it's not just him.
1340
01:02:33,710 --> 01:02:34,710
It's just that we...
1341
01:02:35,250 --> 01:02:38,930
You know, we both weren't as honest as we
should have been.
1342
01:02:40,650 --> 01:02:44,770
Well, I remember when Jerry and I met.
1343
01:02:46,530 --> 01:02:48,370
He thought I was a Democrat and a virgin.
1344
01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:52,730
The truth is...
1345
01:02:53,610 --> 01:02:56,790
I was in love with Reagan, and I'd slept
with half the boys in the neighborhood.
1346
01:02:57,410 --> 01:02:58,410
Ha ha ha.
1347
01:02:59,210 --> 01:03:03,050
So you... Well, I told him what
I thought he wanted to hear.
1348
01:03:04,075 --> 01:03:05,670
Which was not the truth.
1349
01:03:05,990 --> 01:03:06,990
I...
1350
01:03:07,330 --> 01:03:08,290
You... Lied.
1351
01:03:08,330 --> 01:03:09,630
Yes, guilty as charged.
1352
01:03:11,130 --> 01:03:13,090
But when I met him, I knew he was special.
1353
01:03:15,090 --> 01:03:18,010
So all of this nonsense just came babbling
out of me.
1354
01:03:19,150 --> 01:03:20,370
And how did you...
1355
01:03:21,150 --> 01:03:22,770
I eventually found the courage...
1356
01:03:23,510 --> 01:03:25,790
to tell him what was in my head and in my
heart.
1357
01:03:28,990 --> 01:03:31,870
And that's been the glue of our
relationship from that day forward.
1358
01:03:33,375 --> 01:03:34,855
You sure you don't want some of this?
1359
01:03:35,060 --> 01:03:36,330
It's Peruvian hog's breath.
1360
01:03:36,410 --> 01:03:37,530
They grow it above treeline.
1361
01:03:38,190 --> 01:03:39,190
Sweet.
1362
01:03:39,890 --> 01:03:40,290
Nah.
1363
01:03:40,291 --> 01:03:40,870
I'm good.
1364
01:03:40,910 --> 01:03:41,910
Thanks, Dad.
1365
01:03:42,090 --> 01:03:43,170
I'm not really in the mood.
1366
01:03:44,930 --> 01:03:46,210
Why so glum, Sonny Jim?
1367
01:03:47,170 --> 01:03:48,170
I don't know, Dad.
1368
01:03:49,330 --> 01:03:50,330
Marriage is hard.
1369
01:03:53,720 --> 01:03:55,720
You have a keen grasp of the obvious.
1370
01:03:57,170 --> 01:04:00,180
I think mine was just a bad idea from the
start.
1371
01:04:02,660 --> 01:04:03,660
Brandon...
1372
01:04:03,940 --> 01:04:07,700
Not a day goes by that I don't ask
myself...
1373
01:04:07,750 --> 01:04:09,820
Did I do the right thing marrying that
woman?
1374
01:04:11,080 --> 01:04:12,940
It's not very romantic, Dad.
1375
01:04:14,830 --> 01:04:16,280
It is when the answer's always yes.
1376
01:04:43,170 --> 01:04:44,751
Ah... Ah...
1377
01:04:45,570 --> 01:04:47,151
Ah... Ah...
1378
01:04:47,280 --> 01:04:48,280
Ah...
1379
01:04:53,670 --> 01:04:54,670
Ah...
1380
01:05:26,010 --> 01:05:26,810
Sweetie, what's wrong?
1381
01:05:26,990 --> 01:05:27,530
Are you okay?
1382
01:05:27,730 --> 01:05:28,190
Yeah, Mom.
1383
01:05:28,270 --> 01:05:28,950
No, I'm fine.
1384
01:05:29,070 --> 01:05:30,470
I just have a headache, that's all.
1385
01:05:30,690 --> 01:05:32,130
I think I've got something for that.
1386
01:05:32,350 --> 01:05:34,150
Oh, you've always got something for
something.
1387
01:05:34,830 --> 01:05:35,830
Great.
1388
01:05:36,290 --> 01:05:38,810
Why do you have a DEA property room around
your waist?
1389
01:05:39,375 --> 01:05:40,430
Oh, I would love to know.
1390
01:05:40,431 --> 01:05:40,810
That's why I've got this.
1391
01:05:41,370 --> 01:05:46,570
Window, penicillin, peyote, shrooms,
mescaline, ecstasy, hashish, and Viagra.
1392
01:05:47,170 --> 01:05:48,590
It's our mobile first aid kit.
1393
01:05:48,710 --> 01:05:51,030
Recently replenished at Tierra del Fuego.
1394
01:05:51,270 --> 01:05:54,210
You know, they have a very enlightened
attitude towards psychotropics.
1395
01:05:55,190 --> 01:05:56,190
Here it is.
1396
01:05:57,385 --> 01:05:58,385
Ginger root.
1397
01:05:58,650 --> 01:05:59,510
Yeah, Dad.
1398
01:05:59,650 --> 01:06:00,650
You have any Advil?
1399
01:06:01,650 --> 01:06:02,650
Advil?
1400
01:06:04,060 --> 01:06:05,060
That's fucking poison.
1401
01:06:08,030 --> 01:06:09,030
Oh, shit!
1402
01:06:10,430 --> 01:06:11,430
Oh, God.
1403
01:06:12,530 --> 01:06:13,010
What?
1404
01:06:13,510 --> 01:06:14,510
Good morning, Charlotte.
1405
01:06:14,910 --> 01:06:15,910
This is...
1406
01:06:20,100 --> 01:06:21,330
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
1407
01:06:21,530 --> 01:06:21,890
Hi.
1408
01:06:22,350 --> 01:06:22,830
Good.
1409
01:06:23,010 --> 01:06:32,090
What a woman you are.
1410
01:06:32,290 --> 01:06:34,130
Um, yeah, I would love to.
1411
01:06:34,190 --> 01:06:34,630
Thank you.
1412
01:06:35,060 --> 01:06:37,250
Well, we West Virginia gals have to stick
together.
1413
01:06:38,310 --> 01:06:39,750
I'll email you the details.
1414
01:06:40,210 --> 01:06:41,210
Okay, great.
1415
01:06:41,855 --> 01:06:44,390
Oh, and bring that charming and supportive
husband of yours.
1416
01:06:45,130 --> 01:06:45,930
Yeah, of course.
1417
01:06:45,990 --> 01:06:46,430
Thank you.
1418
01:06:46,450 --> 01:06:47,450
Yeah.
1419
01:06:47,515 --> 01:06:48,550
I will see you there.
1420
01:06:48,650 --> 01:06:49,130
Thanks.
1421
01:06:49,310 --> 01:06:50,310
Bye.
1422
01:06:54,370 --> 01:06:56,690
First, you want to tell my parents,
we're getting divorced.
1423
01:06:56,885 --> 01:07:00,760
And now you want me to go to a garden
party and pretend we're happily married.
1424
01:07:01,310 --> 01:07:02,500
Brendan, just please.
1425
01:07:02,620 --> 01:07:05,480
If I get this job, that I'll have enough
money and I can move out.
1426
01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:08,560
Okay.
1427
01:07:09,060 --> 01:07:10,060
That makes sense.
1428
01:07:11,120 --> 01:07:12,620
So nice to see you again.
1429
01:07:15,060 --> 01:07:16,060
Oh, Charlotte.
1430
01:07:16,500 --> 01:07:18,200
So good you could make it here.
1431
01:07:18,360 --> 01:07:19,300
Thank you for having us.
1432
01:07:19,340 --> 01:07:19,760
You're welcome.
1433
01:07:19,761 --> 01:07:19,920
Welcome.
1434
01:07:20,240 --> 01:07:21,920
Mrs. Newton, this is my husband,
Brandon.
1435
01:07:22,160 --> 01:07:23,200
Very nice to meet you.
1436
01:07:23,515 --> 01:07:28,000
And this is our host and the head of the
board, Dr. Glenn Wooster and his mother,
1437
01:07:28,140 --> 01:07:29,540
Lillian Cavendish Wooster.
1438
01:07:29,800 --> 01:07:30,800
Nice to meet you.
1439
01:07:36,805 --> 01:07:39,760
You know, Charlotte has been teaching
first grade for over eight years.
1440
01:07:40,380 --> 01:07:43,100
You don't find it challenging to be around
children all day?
1441
01:07:43,300 --> 01:07:44,300
Oh, God, no.
1442
01:07:44,460 --> 01:07:46,460
I mean, I just, I love kids so much.
1443
01:07:46,620 --> 01:07:48,900
They're so honest and entertaining.
1444
01:07:49,620 --> 01:07:51,820
I have this one student, Emily.
1445
01:07:51,821 --> 01:07:55,520
Every day, anywhere she went, she always
had her two Barbie dolls at her side.
1446
01:07:55,780 --> 01:07:57,413
And on her birthday,
I asked her what she
1447
01:07:57,414 --> 01:07:59,300
wanted, and she told me
she wanted more Barbies.
1448
01:07:59,540 --> 01:08:01,435
And so I asked Emily,
I was like, well, you
1449
01:08:01,436 --> 01:08:02,840
already have Barbies,
why do you need more?
1450
01:08:02,960 --> 01:08:06,340
And she said, because my Barbies smoke and
drink way too much.
1451
01:08:12,580 --> 01:08:13,120
Excuse me.
1452
01:08:13,160 --> 01:08:14,160
Oh, sure.
1453
01:08:14,380 --> 01:08:16,914
So I just, I don't know,
they're just, they're so much fun
1454
01:08:16,915 --> 01:08:19,181
and you never know what
they're going to say or do next.
1455
01:08:19,760 --> 01:08:20,760
Brandon.
1456
01:08:38,500 --> 01:08:38,900
What was that?
1457
01:08:38,901 --> 01:08:38,920
What was that?
1458
01:08:38,921 --> 01:08:39,936
You know, it's just, it's so good to meet
you.
1459
01:08:39,960 --> 01:08:41,036
It was so good to meet you.
1460
01:08:41,060 --> 01:08:41,580
Hey.
1461
01:08:41,760 --> 01:08:42,220
Hey.
1462
01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:43,680
Got you a beer.
1463
01:08:44,100 --> 01:08:45,100
Thanks.
1464
01:08:46,640 --> 01:08:48,700
You know, I really don't like beer.
1465
01:08:49,800 --> 01:08:50,320
Really?
1466
01:08:50,560 --> 01:08:51,560
Yeah.
1467
01:08:52,680 --> 01:08:53,680
Neither do I.
1468
01:08:54,755 --> 01:08:55,880
At last the truth.
1469
01:08:56,430 --> 01:08:58,480
American beers taste like scheisse.
1470
01:09:03,080 --> 01:09:06,438
Mr. Wooster, I don't know what
the philosophy of your school
1471
01:09:06,439 --> 01:09:08,900
is, but my wife and I are big
supporters of construction.
1472
01:09:08,920 --> 01:09:13,520
Yes, you know, we really like the notion
that the teachers are facilitating the
1473
01:09:13,521 --> 01:09:16,658
students to interact among
themselves, instead of merely
1474
01:09:16,659 --> 01:09:19,660
lecturing at them as they sit
and become passive listeners.
1475
01:09:20,560 --> 01:09:24,240
And having the students realize that
everyone has something to contribute,
1476
01:09:24,460 --> 01:09:25,860
everyone has a value.
1477
01:09:26,420 --> 01:09:27,960
You must have read our website.
1478
01:09:29,240 --> 01:09:33,360
No, we have a son who attended a school
that was based on constructivism.
1479
01:09:33,420 --> 01:09:36,300
And we could not be happier with the way
he turned out.
1480
01:09:37,740 --> 01:09:38,740
Cheers.
1481
01:09:43,460 --> 01:09:45,860
I think you made a very good impression.
1482
01:09:46,180 --> 01:09:47,240
Thank you so much.
1483
01:09:47,241 --> 01:09:47,700
You're welcome.
1484
01:09:47,940 --> 01:09:48,940
Keep it up.
1485
01:09:49,120 --> 01:09:52,020
And by the way, your in-laws are fabulous.
1486
01:09:52,560 --> 01:09:53,600
Yeah, they're something.
1487
01:09:53,601 --> 01:09:54,601
Oh, my daughter's here.
1488
01:09:55,020 --> 01:09:56,500
She's visiting from Morgantown.
1489
01:09:56,540 --> 01:09:57,080
Hi, honey.
1490
01:09:57,520 --> 01:09:57,820
Hi, mom.
1491
01:09:58,000 --> 01:09:59,000
Hi, sweetie.
1492
01:09:59,100 --> 01:10:01,326
Oh, Charlotte Conroy
would like to introduce you
1493
01:10:01,346 --> 01:10:03,820
to my daughter, Anais,
and her husband, Steven.
1494
01:10:04,040 --> 01:10:05,040
Hi there.
1495
01:10:05,340 --> 01:10:05,820
Steven.
1496
01:10:06,300 --> 01:10:07,300
So predictable.
1497
01:10:07,540 --> 01:10:07,840
Sex.
1498
01:10:07,960 --> 01:10:08,960
Missionary position.
1499
01:10:12,040 --> 01:10:12,560
Asshole.
1500
01:10:13,040 --> 01:10:14,040
Pleasure to meet you.
1501
01:10:16,640 --> 01:10:18,080
Purse is in the dishwasher.
1502
01:10:24,530 --> 01:10:25,530
Mother.
1503
01:10:25,630 --> 01:10:26,690
This is wonderful.
1504
01:10:26,950 --> 01:10:28,430
So lovely what you put together here.
1505
01:10:29,290 --> 01:10:30,290
Grilled shrimp?
1506
01:10:30,950 --> 01:10:34,230
I guess it must have taken you a very long
time to drive back from Rwanda.
1507
01:10:39,090 --> 01:10:39,530
Sorry.
1508
01:10:39,870 --> 01:10:40,910
Would you excuse me?
1509
01:10:46,540 --> 01:10:47,620
Hey, honey.
1510
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:49,180
Oh, look at that.
1511
01:10:49,240 --> 01:10:50,240
Let's go for a walk.
1512
01:10:51,480 --> 01:10:51,920
Hey.
1513
01:10:52,300 --> 01:10:53,300
You feeling okay?
1514
01:10:53,440 --> 01:10:54,240
Do you want to play doctor?
1515
01:10:54,420 --> 01:10:54,700
Okay.
1516
01:10:54,995 --> 01:10:56,580
Charlotte, what is going on there?
1517
01:10:56,950 --> 01:10:57,950
I forgot to feed my cat.
1518
01:10:58,120 --> 01:10:59,120
Oh, boy.
1519
01:10:59,900 --> 01:11:01,020
Charlotte, talk to me.
1520
01:11:02,940 --> 01:11:03,380
Charlotte?
1521
01:11:03,560 --> 01:11:04,560
Hey.
1522
01:11:05,140 --> 01:11:05,580
Hey.
1523
01:11:05,581 --> 01:11:06,581
Brandon.
1524
01:11:06,970 --> 01:11:08,460
What the hell are you two doing here?
1525
01:11:08,840 --> 01:11:09,840
Came to help Charlotte.
1526
01:11:10,070 --> 01:11:11,280
This is very important to her.
1527
01:11:11,400 --> 01:11:11,720
We know.
1528
01:11:12,080 --> 01:11:13,080
We know everything.
1529
01:11:13,420 --> 01:11:14,320
That's why we've come here.
1530
01:11:14,360 --> 01:11:17,120
We don't want you to make a terrible
mistake and throw away your soul partner
1531
01:11:17,121 --> 01:11:18,500
before the cosmos
is... Well, wait a second.
1532
01:11:18,540 --> 01:11:19,540
Wait a minute.
1533
01:11:23,190 --> 01:11:24,190
Are you two high?
1534
01:11:24,540 --> 01:11:24,900
Brandon.
1535
01:11:25,040 --> 01:11:26,040
Of course we are.
1536
01:11:26,240 --> 01:11:27,240
Oh, my God.
1537
01:11:27,545 --> 01:11:30,305
You don't think that we would turn up to
something like this straight?
1538
01:11:30,460 --> 01:11:32,230
We've been fighting
these people our entire
1539
01:11:32,231 --> 01:11:34,600
lives with their bourgeois
pretentiousness.
1540
01:11:34,640 --> 01:11:35,280
And anal bleaching.
1541
01:11:35,340 --> 01:11:35,560
I know.
1542
01:11:35,561 --> 01:11:36,020
We've been fighting
these people our entire
1543
01:11:36,021 --> 01:11:36,020
lives with their bourgeois
pretentiousness.
1544
01:11:36,021 --> 01:11:37,411
Would you folks care
for some conflict-free
1545
01:11:37,412 --> 01:11:39,161
Ugon-Archo confit on
Lardo-Brush-Christini?
1546
01:11:39,200 --> 01:11:40,200
No!
1547
01:11:41,600 --> 01:11:42,600
I'm so sorry.
1548
01:11:43,120 --> 01:11:45,020
They is not.
1549
01:11:52,500 --> 01:11:56,230
Mrs. Conroy, how's the new bride?
1550
01:11:56,940 --> 01:11:57,940
Couldn't be better.
1551
01:11:58,615 --> 01:12:00,110
Do I sense trouble in paradise?
1552
01:12:01,410 --> 01:12:02,410
Not now, Steven.
1553
01:12:02,650 --> 01:12:04,150
Charlotte, this isn't you.
1554
01:12:04,770 --> 01:12:05,210
What?
1555
01:12:05,211 --> 01:12:06,211
What do you mean?
1556
01:12:06,700 --> 01:12:07,850
I'm so sorry.
1557
01:12:07,890 --> 01:12:08,350
Not now, Steven.
1558
01:12:08,351 --> 01:12:10,270
I hurt you very badly.
1559
01:12:10,665 --> 01:12:12,650
And your life has taken an ugly turn.
1560
01:12:12,750 --> 01:12:13,750
I apologize.
1561
01:12:14,680 --> 01:12:17,550
You obviously married the first guy you
met after me.
1562
01:12:18,130 --> 01:12:19,130
Where was it?
1563
01:12:19,810 --> 01:12:20,810
Dating website?
1564
01:12:21,050 --> 01:12:22,050
Singles bar?
1565
01:12:22,670 --> 01:12:23,330
Old Navy?
1566
01:12:23,670 --> 01:12:24,670
No!
1567
01:12:24,930 --> 01:12:25,490
Ebay.
1568
01:12:25,850 --> 01:12:26,850
Good God.
1569
01:12:27,310 --> 01:12:28,910
You bought a husband online?
1570
01:12:29,330 --> 01:12:29,730
No!
1571
01:12:30,155 --> 01:12:32,830
We met online and then fell in love and
got married.
1572
01:12:33,210 --> 01:12:35,010
And not after 14 years, Steven.
1573
01:12:35,011 --> 01:12:37,270
Look, not all the changes are bad.
1574
01:12:38,810 --> 01:12:41,350
Clothes, hair...
1575
01:12:43,850 --> 01:12:45,170
Do you think about me, Charlotte?
1576
01:12:46,280 --> 01:12:47,330
Because I think about you.
1577
01:12:48,930 --> 01:12:50,010
Of course I think about you.
1578
01:12:50,030 --> 01:12:51,850
We spent half our lives together.
1579
01:13:02,680 --> 01:13:03,780
The whale song.
1580
01:13:04,220 --> 01:13:05,100
The whale song.
1581
01:13:05,140 --> 01:13:06,540
The mating cry of the humpback.
1582
01:13:06,960 --> 01:13:08,256
Let's get you in the house, mother.
1583
01:13:08,280 --> 01:13:09,860
And you can take a nice little nap.
1584
01:13:12,740 --> 01:13:13,920
How dare you!
1585
01:13:14,380 --> 01:13:15,380
Let's go, mother.
1586
01:13:17,240 --> 01:13:19,820
Oh, I miss your father so much.
1587
01:13:22,460 --> 01:13:23,460
Steven.
1588
01:13:23,800 --> 01:13:24,800
Yes?
1589
01:13:25,540 --> 01:13:28,040
You are such an asshole.
1590
01:13:29,280 --> 01:13:30,440
Is that all it took?
1591
01:13:31,250 --> 01:13:33,380
You want me now that I am with someone
else?
1592
01:13:33,580 --> 01:13:35,116
There's more to it than that, Charlotte.
1593
01:13:35,140 --> 01:13:35,620
Oh yeah, really?
1594
01:13:35,720 --> 01:13:36,240
Like what?
1595
01:13:36,300 --> 01:13:36,840
And you?
1596
01:13:36,860 --> 01:13:39,451
You better be quick because my husband is
right outside that door.
1597
01:13:39,475 --> 01:13:41,960
And so is your wife, that poor woman.
1598
01:13:42,420 --> 01:13:43,780
I mean, you don't even understand.
1599
01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:49,360
Anais, she is so spontaneous and
unpredictable.
1600
01:13:49,620 --> 01:13:52,009
One minute we are
snowboarding in Telluride, the
1601
01:13:52,010 --> 01:13:54,940
next we are making love
in a Mexican agave field.
1602
01:13:56,070 --> 01:13:57,900
I miss your predictability.
1603
01:13:57,901 --> 01:14:02,200
I miss the quiet, boring times,
the unimaginative sex, all of it.
1604
01:14:02,310 --> 01:14:04,380
I never appreciated it until it was gone.
1605
01:14:06,460 --> 01:14:08,060
Well, it's never coming back.
1606
01:14:09,260 --> 01:14:10,260
Ever.
1607
01:14:10,500 --> 01:14:14,900
Hey, I just got a new job in D.C.
1608
01:14:15,250 --> 01:14:17,736
Let's leave these two
horrible, disgusting
1609
01:14:17,737 --> 01:14:20,661
mistakes behind and
get back to our old lives.
1610
01:14:21,280 --> 01:14:23,020
My husband is not a mistake.
1611
01:14:23,620 --> 01:14:27,000
Yes, we rushed into marriage and things
haven't been perfect.
1612
01:14:27,060 --> 01:14:30,460
And after ten ridiculous days,
things are just blowing up in our faces.
1613
01:14:30,500 --> 01:14:32,960
But there have been moments.
1614
01:14:32,961 --> 01:14:35,940
In between all of the lies
and the bullshit where I have
1615
01:14:35,941 --> 01:14:38,840
loved him more than I've ever
loved anybody in my entire life.
1616
01:14:39,520 --> 01:14:40,520
Including you.
1617
01:14:42,760 --> 01:14:43,960
So, it's over.
1618
01:14:44,940 --> 01:14:45,420
Perfect.
1619
01:14:45,780 --> 01:14:46,780
No, Steven.
1620
01:14:46,900 --> 01:14:51,580
Hey, I dare you to kiss me one more time
and tell me you don't love me.
1621
01:14:53,680 --> 01:14:55,720
Sorry, Steven.
1622
01:14:55,940 --> 01:14:58,780
But as we say in the yard, I gotta do me.
1623
01:14:58,940 --> 01:15:02,080
So fuck all y'all if you can't appreciate
it.
1624
01:15:04,240 --> 01:15:05,200
Fuck Y'all.
1625
01:15:05,201 --> 01:15:06,201
Fuck all y'all.
1626
01:15:10,920 --> 01:15:13,060
Mr. Wooster, I want to apologize for
earlier.
1627
01:15:13,180 --> 01:15:16,240
My wife threw her back out and I was
giving her an adjustment.
1628
01:15:16,860 --> 01:15:20,480
Anyway, we really love this school and
would like to make a small donation.
1629
01:15:22,520 --> 01:15:25,120
I don't see how that's gonna make any
difference.
1630
01:15:27,380 --> 01:15:28,700
This is very generous.
1631
01:15:28,980 --> 01:15:30,020
Thank you very much.
1632
01:15:30,420 --> 01:15:33,780
I'm gonna find Mrs. Newton and tell her
the good news.
1633
01:15:35,320 --> 01:15:36,560
Wasn't that check for Brandon?
1634
01:15:37,400 --> 01:15:40,120
Our son's not very good with money anyway,
so it doesn't matter.
1635
01:15:40,880 --> 01:15:45,040
An investment in her future...
...is an investment in their future.
1636
01:15:54,890 --> 01:15:56,170
You mean what you said in there?
1637
01:15:57,820 --> 01:15:58,280
Yes.
1638
01:15:58,281 --> 01:15:59,281
No.
1639
01:15:59,400 --> 01:15:59,860
Maybe.
1640
01:16:00,000 --> 01:16:02,140
I... I don't know.
1641
01:16:07,930 --> 01:16:08,390
Hey.
1642
01:16:08,391 --> 01:16:08,850
Hey.
1643
01:16:08,990 --> 01:16:09,990
Wow.
1644
01:16:10,540 --> 01:16:12,710
Looks like you could use a little first
aid, my friend.
1645
01:16:32,240 --> 01:16:33,240
All hail.
1646
01:16:33,320 --> 01:16:34,640
All hail the Chosen One.
1647
01:16:34,800 --> 01:16:35,260
Who's he there?
1648
01:16:35,600 --> 01:16:36,380
Tis I, my lord.
1649
01:16:36,605 --> 01:16:38,540
Pegamonius Kando of the Nexusix Spacing
Guild.
1650
01:16:38,740 --> 01:16:40,960
I have traveled nearly twelve parsecs to
find you.
1651
01:16:42,820 --> 01:16:43,820
Ah... Okay.
1652
01:16:44,100 --> 01:16:46,340
You are the rightful heir to the throne of
Nargathus.
1653
01:16:46,460 --> 01:16:48,540
The Star Child as foretold in our
prophecies.
1654
01:16:49,045 --> 01:16:52,205
A magnificent creature of unlimited wisdom
and breathtaking physical perfection.
1655
01:16:53,340 --> 01:16:54,860
Yeah... I get that.
1656
01:16:55,620 --> 01:16:57,120
The Great Epiphany is at hand.
1657
01:16:57,420 --> 01:17:00,420
Reveal your magnificence to the members of
the Culver City Charter School Board.
1658
01:17:00,440 --> 01:17:01,700
And then the world.
1659
01:17:02,480 --> 01:17:04,440
Let them kowtow at your feet.
1660
01:17:04,940 --> 01:17:05,940
Worship you.
1661
01:17:06,520 --> 01:17:08,880
Tremble at your unlimited power.
1662
01:17:17,080 --> 01:17:19,428
I must tell you how
delighted we all are about
1663
01:17:19,429 --> 01:17:22,521
the substantial donation
from your in-laws.
1664
01:17:23,320 --> 01:17:26,080
Well, they are very surprisingly generous
people.
1665
01:17:26,340 --> 01:17:28,780
Well, I can tell you there's a lot we can
do with those funds.
1666
01:17:28,880 --> 01:17:29,880
Loyal subjects!
1667
01:17:30,220 --> 01:17:31,860
I am your unicorn!
1668
01:17:32,380 --> 01:17:32,480
I am your unicorn king!
1669
01:17:32,920 --> 01:17:37,940
By the powers vested in me through the
flames of Azanoth, I command you!
1670
01:17:38,040 --> 01:17:38,680
Kneel!
1671
01:17:38,880 --> 01:17:42,000
Kneel before your unicorn king!
1672
01:17:42,520 --> 01:17:43,880
That guy's fucking crazy.
1673
01:17:44,200 --> 01:17:45,440
The time is nigh.
1674
01:17:45,760 --> 01:17:47,380
The season is in bloom.
1675
01:17:47,620 --> 01:17:53,720
I call upon you subjects to step forth and
harvest this royal seed!
1676
01:17:54,580 --> 01:17:55,580
Grrrr!
1677
01:17:55,620 --> 01:17:56,620
Grrrr!
1678
01:17:57,100 --> 01:17:57,460
Grrrr!
1679
01:17:57,461 --> 01:17:58,461
Grrrr!
1680
01:18:00,900 --> 01:18:01,900
Grrrr!
1681
01:18:03,100 --> 01:18:04,100
Stephen!
1682
01:18:04,340 --> 01:18:06,080
What the hell are you doing?
1683
01:18:06,420 --> 01:18:10,420
Fair Anais, Stephen is no more.
1684
01:18:11,220 --> 01:18:13,960
Your milk has soured.
1685
01:18:17,620 --> 01:18:22,620
Look upon me as I raise the imperial
sceptre.
1686
01:18:24,440 --> 01:18:26,920
Mommy, Batman is nasty.
1687
01:18:28,970 --> 01:18:31,450
Prepare to receive me!
1688
01:18:33,670 --> 01:18:34,110
Bam!
1689
01:18:34,290 --> 01:18:35,290
Freezing Drexac?
1690
01:18:36,050 --> 01:18:37,050
That had to hurt.
1691
01:18:44,430 --> 01:18:49,050
And, as I was saying, could you come in on
Monday?
1692
01:18:49,960 --> 01:18:52,353
Oh, we would be honored
to have a young moment
1693
01:18:52,354 --> 01:18:54,430
of your character at
Culver City Charter.
1694
01:18:54,470 --> 01:18:55,470
I'd love to.
1695
01:18:55,530 --> 01:18:56,570
Thank you so much.
1696
01:18:57,130 --> 01:18:58,310
Oh my god, thank you.
1697
01:18:58,510 --> 01:18:59,510
Thank you.
1698
01:19:04,650 --> 01:19:07,630
What in the world got into Stephen?
1699
01:19:07,870 --> 01:19:08,410
I don't know.
1700
01:19:08,770 --> 01:19:09,810
Any ideas?
1701
01:19:10,270 --> 01:19:11,610
Food poisoning, perhaps?
1702
01:19:11,870 --> 01:19:14,870
I think the artichoke confit looked a
little sketchy.
1703
01:19:18,620 --> 01:19:24,600
Since there's no dispute over assets or
property, just sign and it's done.
1704
01:19:25,020 --> 01:19:27,560
You'll never have to see one another
again.
1705
01:19:28,870 --> 01:19:30,300
That line right there.
1706
01:19:30,860 --> 01:19:32,660
The one with your name next to it.
1707
01:19:33,000 --> 01:19:34,000
I know.
1708
01:19:39,610 --> 01:19:42,430
On second thought, I, uh...
1709
01:19:43,150 --> 01:19:45,030
I want the Chinese rocket statue.
1710
01:19:46,570 --> 01:19:47,570
Alrighty.
1711
01:19:48,090 --> 01:19:51,330
If you agree, Mr. Conroy, we're done here.
1712
01:19:54,930 --> 01:19:55,490
No.
1713
01:19:55,491 --> 01:19:57,030
No, I can't part with that.
1714
01:19:57,990 --> 01:19:59,770
Well, what if you all...
1715
01:20:00,120 --> 01:20:01,330
share joint custody?
1716
01:20:01,750 --> 01:20:04,290
Each of you take it for a week or two at a
time.
1717
01:20:04,820 --> 01:20:05,990
No, that won't work.
1718
01:20:07,390 --> 01:20:09,050
Can't you just buy a second statue?
1719
01:20:10,000 --> 01:20:11,850
That way y'all can each have your own.
1720
01:20:12,470 --> 01:20:13,470
No.
1721
01:20:13,880 --> 01:20:14,880
No, it's one of a kind.
1722
01:20:16,800 --> 01:20:18,110
Well, bless your hearts.
1723
01:20:18,970 --> 01:20:22,990
Now, I don't mean to be rude, but I gotta
be getting out to Malibu.
1724
01:20:23,010 --> 01:20:24,930
I'm having lunch at Girard's.
1725
01:20:25,150 --> 01:20:26,190
Try the lobster.
1726
01:20:26,310 --> 01:20:27,310
It's delicious.
1727
01:20:27,490 --> 01:20:28,570
And not cheap.
1728
01:20:29,770 --> 01:20:31,430
Can we please get this thing going?
1729
01:20:31,690 --> 01:20:33,150
Hey, don't rush our divorce, man.
1730
01:20:33,370 --> 01:20:33,630
Yeah.
1731
01:20:34,390 --> 01:20:36,530
You know, maybe we should get lunch,
too.
1732
01:20:37,870 --> 01:20:38,390
Yeah.
1733
01:20:38,630 --> 01:20:40,830
I mean, we shouldn't sign this on an empty
stomach.
1734
01:20:41,130 --> 01:20:41,410
Right.
1735
01:20:42,050 --> 01:20:43,690
Now, hold on a second.
1736
01:20:43,730 --> 01:20:45,010
What about your signatures?
1737
01:20:45,690 --> 01:20:47,030
Damn it, the hell.
1738
01:20:47,290 --> 01:20:49,250
The wheels are coming off the wagon.
1739
01:20:49,690 --> 01:20:51,570
This divorce is falling apart.
1740
01:20:52,830 --> 01:20:53,610
I blame her.
1741
01:20:53,750 --> 01:20:54,750
It's his fault.
1742
01:21:07,090 --> 01:21:08,270
This ends now.
1743
01:21:08,271 --> 01:21:10,950
I'm getting out of here, and you're not
stopping me.
1744
01:21:11,550 --> 01:21:14,150
And so concludes our story.
1745
01:21:14,870 --> 01:21:16,010
Poor Charlotte and Brandon.
1746
01:21:16,480 --> 01:21:18,030
Their journey has taught them nothing.
1747
01:21:18,550 --> 01:21:20,410
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
1748
01:21:20,550 --> 01:21:21,550
Did I slap you too hard?
1749
01:21:21,610 --> 01:21:22,610
No, baby.
1750
01:21:22,990 --> 01:21:24,410
It's just right.
1751
01:21:25,810 --> 01:21:26,810
Freezendricksack!
1752
01:21:28,530 --> 01:21:29,530
Freezendricksack!
1753
01:21:29,650 --> 01:21:30,650
Woo!
1754
01:21:38,440 --> 01:21:43,530
We found each other far from home.
1755
01:21:44,450 --> 01:21:46,890
Without a shelter from the cold.
1756
01:21:47,550 --> 01:21:52,190
And we took each other in our arms for
everything that we own.
1757
01:21:54,890 --> 01:21:58,930
Now I know I couldn't go it alone.
1758
01:22:09,090 --> 01:22:11,390
Loaded such a winding road.
1759
01:22:12,650 --> 01:22:14,730
Traversing what could not be known.
1760
01:22:15,770 --> 01:22:17,690
Time was bought a game.
1761
01:22:17,790 --> 01:22:20,070
Played it while I watched you grow.
1762
01:22:21,030 --> 01:22:22,030
I'm sorry, man.
1763
01:22:22,930 --> 01:22:23,770
Awkward.
1764
01:22:23,771 --> 01:22:26,830
Now I know I couldn't play it alone.
1765
01:22:29,650 --> 01:22:33,770
Now I know I couldn't go it alone.
1766
01:22:36,910 --> 01:22:42,500
blocked by noise I never go it alone.
1767
01:22:43,400 --> 01:22:51,200
I never go it alone.
1768
01:22:57,880 --> 01:23:00,080
Summer's come and winter's gone.
1769
01:23:12,580 --> 01:23:28,530
And this is the second one.
1770
01:23:29,870 --> 01:23:33,550
And this is the third one.
1771
01:23:41,170 --> 01:23:48,070
I know that I could never go it alone...
1772
01:23:48,770 --> 01:23:56,770
and I know that I could never go it
alone...
1773
01:24:31,410 --> 01:24:39,410
There you are, the woman of my dreams and
so it seems Here we are, forgetting all
1774
01:24:43,750 --> 01:24:51,750
the things we said we were, the way we
weren't And what we might have been Is
1775
01:24:56,450 --> 01:25:04,450
nothing compared to this love we're in And
I know I'm not the only one who agrees We
1776
01:25:06,990 --> 01:25:14,990
know what it's like, what it's like to be
To be in love, now we know what it's
1777
01:25:14,991 --> 01:25:22,450
really like To be in love, now we know
what it's really like
1778
01:25:32,770 --> 01:25:40,770
Here we are, we're listening to terrible
advice Some strategy We're making this
1779
01:25:45,770 --> 01:25:53,770
connection for a price The way we weren't
And what we might have been Is nothing
1780
01:25:56,650 --> 01:26:04,650
compared to this love we're in And love,
even in these troubled times
122130
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