Original subtitles

What the hell is this?

So smooth! Huh!

That tastes real good!

Tasty! Sweet!

Harry, what are you doing down there? Taking a leak?

- No. - Want us to wait for ya?

Uh... no, no, no.

You-you guys go ahead. I'll catch up to you later.

Well, I'll be damned.

Whatever that could be, it's mighty good.

Harry, what are you doing, eating snow?

You outta your head, buddy? If this is snow, try it, won't you?

No, no. I don't eat snow.

Come on, give it a try. That's not snow, try it.

Huh?

What the hell is it?

- Sweet, but it ain't that sweet. - But it's good, ain't it?

Where else you gonna get a free meal?

Right here, on the ground. Look at that!

I tell you, this stuff is great.

And besides that, it's free. It doesn't cost a doggone thing.

It's good!

- Mm-hmm. - You know, if this stuff

keeps bubbling out of the ground like this,

there might be enough over here that we could sell to people.

But it ain't ours to sell.

Fletcher Mining Company owns all land around here.

You know young Fletcher? I know his dad!

Maybe if I went and talked to him, there'd be something in it for me.

For us!

Ain't that something?

♪ The Stuff is here now

♪ A new taste sensation

♪ Light and free now

♪ A great new elevation

♪ Enough is never enough.

♪ Enough is never enough.

♪ of the Stuff.

Available now only in your Eastern Seaboard States.

Soon to be everywhere.

Ask your grocer.

♪ Enough is never enough.

♪ Enough is never enough.

We're in Andre's exclusive continental restaurant,

which caters to only the most discriminating clientele.

- How's the food, sweetheart? - Rotten!

- That's nice. - Where's The Stuff?

Is anything wrong, madam?

What kind of restaurant is this? Where's that Stuff?

There's The Stuff!

Insist upon it.

Insist upon it!

Will you shut up?

Insist upon it!

Soon the world won't be able to resist it.

It's something new under the sun. It's The Stuff.

Jesus Christ! I'm being eaten alive.

I'm burning hot!

You scared me! You shouldn't be walking around here like this.

What are you doing down here? I thought you were a burglar or something.

- I was hungry. - You were hungry?

Did you see?

- See what? - It...

What's the matter with you, anyway?

It was moving!

You listen to me, young man.

You get your butt back upstairs to bed, you understand?

Don't ever pull this on me again. Now move!

Sure beat the hell out of this.

When I was a little girl,

I didn't think there was anything that I liked better than ice cream.

Now I'm a big girl,

and I've decided there's something I like better, much better.

It's called The Stuff.

And believe me, enough is never enough.

- Yeah, it's shit. - But it's good shit.

Too damn good. They're gonna put us out of business.

Nothing is ever going to replace ice cream.

Look, they are murdering us in every market that it's been tested in,

and that's without going into flavors.

Well, thank God so far they've just confined themselves

to a couple of cities on the Eastern Seaboard.

Now, don't count on it.

A month ago, they acquired the Chocolate Chip Charlie chain of outlets

on the West coast, with the intention of converting them

and being in business in 60 days.

After that, they'll go national.

I wish to hell we knew how they make it.

Yeah, we could copy it.

What I meant to say is, uh, we could, uh, improve on it.

Apparently, we've had no luck in analyzing the ingredients

and no luck in getting close to anybody inside the company.

That's why I've asked Mo Rutherford to come here today.

Huh.

Look, are you sure we want to get mixed up with industrial spies?

Hey, look, I want results, and he's the best there is.

Yeah.

An ex-FBI man, fired by Hoover.

Kicked out, blackballed by the Federal Government,

and we need him - it's obscene.

Business is business.

And it's men like Mo Rutherford that help us stay in business.

Yes, I suppose we do have to keep the world safe for ice cream.

Hey, didn't you used to be with the Bureau?

Yeah, well, at least I didn't get my ass kicked out, like you did.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I missed out on Abscam, DeLorean, all the good times.

Yeah, well, just follow me, hotshot!

Let's see if you're worth your money.

Oh! This is some place you've got here, fellas.

- Hm. - Gosh! Let me, er...

That's a sweaty palm. That's two sweaty palms.

Let me feel you! Ah! That's another sweaty palm.

- Yes, sir. Hello, sweaty palms. - How do you do?

So, tell me about The Stuff.

Look, you've been briefed on this problem.

Well, not completely.

I don't understand why you didn't go to the Food and Drug Administration.

Well, for one reason or another, right after it was approved,

most of those involved resigned.

They're either out of the country or on vacation.

Or they have been, er... paid off! That is the American way, you know.

We've never had so much trouble getting information out of a company.

Oh, don't you worry about that. Every stone wall has a chink in it.

I'll get inside there, I penetrate the company, I do some damage.

- But it's going to be expensive, believe me. - Hey, look...

We don't wanna know how you do it. Just, er... do it!

I know, I understand. You guys don't like me.

I heard it on the tap there.

Someone said I'd been fired from the FBI,

that I'd been blackballed, that I was obscene.

Someone here said I was obscene. Somebody here.

Who said I was obscene?

How the hell did you know that?

Well, while you were at the Metropolitan Opera last night,

I just happened to be walking through your hotel room,

and I dropped this in your pocket.

Huh?

Oh, shit!

Well, I'll be a son-of-a-bitch!

- You know, Mr., er...? - Rutherford, Mo Rutherford.

- You know why they call me Mo? - No, why?

'Cause every time people give me money, I always want mo'.

- Well, you know, Mr. Rutherford? - Yes, sir?

I don't think you're quite as dumb as you appear to be.

No one is as dumb as I appear to be.

Now, as I understand it, there is a certified check

waiting for me with my name on it.

- I think the gentleman there. - Ooh, this fella here?

Oh, yes. Look at that.

OK, yeah.

That's good enough for starters.

Asshole!

When you talk to the FBI, would you tell them this for me?

- He broke his jaw. - What the hell...?

Er... thanks for the job, gentlemen.

Ah, Christ, our stock just went down.

Damn!

Will you go up and tell your brother to get down here?

Oh, come on! My cereal's gonna get soggy.

I'll get him when I'm done.

Do as I tell you, and do it now!

Er... maybe his alarm didn't go off.

Yeah, well, he was up running around in the middle of the night.

No wonder he's exhausted.

You tell him he's not missing school today. I don't care what his excuse is.

Hi.

There he is!

- What do you want for breakfast? - Nothing.

I'll scramble a few over-easy for you.

Well, er... my stomach doesn't really feel too good.

Yeah, well, it sure felt good at four o'clock this morning!

Listen, young man, you've missed three days of school already.

I don't want you missing any more, you understand?

I don't know what your plans are today, but you're not about to miss any more days.

May I have some? I've finished my cereal.

- Sure. It's good for you. - No! Don't eat that!

There's nothing wrong with it. I had some last night.

I'm telling you, it isn't good. It's... spoiled.

It doesn't taste spoiled to me.

Here, you taste it and tell me if you think it's spoiled.

I don't want any.

Look... it moves around all by itself.

It moves!

I saw it move in the refrigerator.

Hey, freak! What are you on, anyway?

Jason! You come back here!

Now, I hope these stains come out.

What the hell is the matter with that boy anyway?

What's the matter with America?

Look at that, not a spot.

Low in calories, good tasting, and it doesn't even spot.

And he doesn't like it.

You say new enzymes?

There's nothing like it around.

Coupled with benign bacteria?

It was probably just a lucky accident that tasted great.

They seem to reproduce this accident in great quantities.

Well, that's what I don't understand.

I thought there was some government regulation

that requires them to reveal the contents.

They're protected by the FDA's Statute of Identity's rule.

The same law protects Coca-Cola's secret formula for their syrup

the secret ingredients that Coke called "Merchandise 7X".

Only ten people know what it is.

And the formula's kept locked in a vault of the Trust Company of Georgia.

It can only be opened by a vote of the Coke board of directors.

Why don't the Government just take them to court?

They did, in 1909. Coke fought them to a standstill.

Gentlemen, the little lady entering the room now

is doing some undercover research for me.

Because, folks, if we're gonna find out the secret formula of Stuff,

we're gonna have to steal it.

I have a complete rundown on Nicole Kendall,

the advertising executive that does all the advertising

and all the PR for The Stuff.

Never married and no current romances - the lady is all business.

Turn this tub around. That's it, keep it in frame. You'll be The Stuff girl yet.

- Miss Kendall? - Mm-hmm.

I just spoke with Streisand's agent, and she's not interested.

Everybody's interested in The Stuff,

and besides, I didn't ask you to speak to her agent.

But she's not willing to take any calls.

Well, then why don't you have somebody in the West Coast office go out to her house

and park a truck in front of the house, start a free giveaway campaign

with balloons and posters and T-shirts and half-pint containers and everything like that?

What's the point?

Because I'm gonna prove to her that The Stuff is bigger than she is.

And then I'm gonna tell her that we're willing to give her

a percentage of gross sales increases for the next six months

after the release of the first commercial.

We're cutting her in!

It's an absolute precedent for a star to get a piece of the action.

A little faster paced. OK?

Let's get a little movement into this.

Step, step! Let's see the bathing suits.

Very nice.

OK, I want wonderful smiles.

- You got that, is it good? - Yes.

OK. Now I want you to feed each other The Stuff,

- both with nice smiles on your face. - ♪ One lick is never enough

♪ Oh, The Stuff never melts, never melts, never melts away.

Pearl and Cathy,

get a slightly tighter shot of them when you do it, alright?

- You want me to move in? - Just a little bit, yeah.

As they come forward, you move in a little. You alright, can you get it?

Go in for a close-up of the faces of the next two,

'cause they're real beauties.

Now, take a bite, let me see how much you love it!

Very good. Thanks, girls.

OK, Christine, by yourself.

Right on the lens, right to the lens. Right here.

Very good. Now I'm gonna want you to go in for a tight close-up

as she feeds the camera.

- I have to see you. - What are you doing?

Are you out of your mind?

Everybody can break for five minutes.

I gotta talk to Miss Kendall about her employment

and about this job and everything.

So, you all can break. Coffee? You can... you can take off with that.

Kill the lights and the sound. You got that?

- OK. - What...?

Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt you like that, but I can't wait in line.

And I can tell right now that you're not the type of person

to wait in line either, are you?

You didn't get where you are now by waiting in line, did you?

How do you know that story?

Well, I know that story 'cause that's the way I got where I am,

where I am today.

And here I am with you, and you're awful pretty.

- "David... Rutherford?" - Mo! My friends call me Mo.

They call me Mo 'cause every time they give me something,

I always want mo'!

And I suppose you're wondering what I want out of you.

Yes, I'd like to know what this was all about.

I wanna put you on our public relations campaign.

But, er... I need you not just to raise the image,

you gotta convince the public that Lee-High Petroleum

has the public's interest at heart.

Oh! But... but why me?

Well, I mean, look what you did for The Stuff!

- You invented the name, as I understand it. - Oh, yes! Absolutely.

And you created the image and put the whole sales pitch together.

That's why I don't have a lot of time for petroleum companies, you know?

Well now, darling, I'm not here to hire your agency to work for us.

I wanna buy your agency and put you in charge.

You wanna buy the agency and make...?

That clarifies things. Will you just sit right there just one second?

Mitzi? Mitzi.

I want you to check out this guy on the card thoroughly and then get back to me.

I want you to cancel my dinner date,

and I want you to go get me a dress to wear.

No, problem. Right away, Miss Kendall.

So, you were saying?

I do like to see a woman with decision.

Pick your favorite restaurant.

Mm... where are you staying?

The Sherry-Netherland.

Do they have room service at the Sherry-Netherland?

Uh... Uh, yeah, they sure do.

You see, I... I love room service.

My limousine's just outside.

So is mine.

I'm betting mine's bigger than yours.

♪ The Stuff is here now

♪ A great new taste sensation

♪ Light and free now

♪ A great new elevation

♪ Enough is never enough.

The Stuff - the taste that makes you hungry for more.

The Stuff - taste that delivers.

♪ Enough is never enough

♪ Enough is never enough of The Stuff.

- Hey, give me that! - Hey, give me that back!

What do you think you're doing?

Hey, wait! Come back here, kid!

Security to aisle seven, please.

All security personnel to aisle seven, please.

Oh, shit!

Get off me! Let me go!

Please!

- Quick, I got him! - Let go!

It's gonna kill you. It's gonna kill you all!

Uh, do you want desert?

Well, sure, but anything but The Stuff, OK?

I've had enough of that for one day.

I never actually eat any of the products I work on

because I somehow feel that it would be incestuous.

I'm just checking in with my office, OK?

Mitzi?

Did you check out that information for me?

He really is owner and chairman of the board of Lee-High Petroleum.

He's loaded. You've got yourself...

Great! Great! That's wonderful.

I'll be there at 12 noon.

Thank you, Mitzi.

I'm going to turn you down.

Huh...

- You're gonna turn me down? - Uh-huh, I'm gonna turn you down.

- You sure? - Mm-hmm.

- You certain? - Mm.

Well, I mean, that's a pity,

'cause after I buy your company and keep you on your five-year contract,

I won't give you anything to do.

You bastard!

You'd ruin my career on a whim!

Yeah, you bet I would.

Good night, sir.

So, why don't you make a decision now, at home?

Huh?

Well, you see, I got a date coming up here, and I don't want her thinking

that you and I have anything to do with each other aside from business.

Is that what you think?

That you and I are here only on business?

Well, now, don't get me started on who's boss.

You know, I don't think I ever called anybody "boss", not even in the beginning.

You see this mouth? This mouth doesn't say "boss".

Yes, well, why doesn't it start? It'd be a novelty.

A novelty!

Hello, front desk?

If anything comes in for a David, um... "Mo" Rutherford.

I want you to tell them that he's gone out on business.

Hold all the calls.

Is that OK with you?

Boss?

Darling, how did you manage to get my underwear off last night

without taking my pants off first?

I gotta get some sleep.

Oh, well, I think you missed your first five appointments.

Oh, by the way, uh

my conglomerate would like to acquire The Stuff.

Well, I hate to frustrate those killer instincts of yours,

but they're not about to be acquired.

I mean, they're too busy doing all the acquiring.

They just got the, uh, Chocolate Chip Charlie Empire, or didn't you know?

Oh, yeah, I knew that. You told them to do it, right?

How did you know?

Best little merchandise that they got, and that's why I went after you,

'cause you're such a pretty little insider.

David, you're... Wait a second!

Are you asking me to raid the corporation for you?

Yep.

You may have asked me for the one thing that I can't do.

- Why not? - They're pathologically secretive.

Oh, I'm sure you met 'em, right?

The Fletcher Company only distributes The Stuff.

They don't seem to know anything about the people that actually manufacture the product.

We do most of the work with conference calls and sending video tapes back and forth.

I mean, I write my ideas here in New York,

and then I send them down there, and they give me their input back on tape.

Ain't that a bit weird?

Yeah, but I've gotten kind of used to it.

I mean, at first I thought that I was working for Reverend Moon or somebody.

Well, what I'd like you to do is to penetrate their veil of secrecy, so to speak,

and get me some information, you know?

And I'd make it worth your while.

How are you gonna make it worth my while?

I would... I would... I would give you some preferred stock

when my company goes public.

Call me at the office at six o'clock.

Sure.

Hello, Mr. Vickers. I called you about an appointment.

Sure, the man from Consumer Magazine?

- Yeah, that's right. - Well, come on in.

Is he friendly?

He's absolutely harmless.

- How old is he? - One year.

One year old? He's awful big.

I feed him very well. Can I get you a drink?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm off that now.

I'm glad to hear that. Liquor can kill you.

It ought to be outlawed.

Mr. Vickers, how long have you been with the Food and Drug Administration?

Almost 19 years.

Yeah, pretty soon they'll be retiring me.

And as I understand it, you were part of the team

that tested and approved a product called The Stuff.

Oh, they didn't have a name for it then.

But they sure merchandised the hell out of it,

but we all agreed it was a good product.

How long was it tested before you approved it?

You've got to understand that this is a dessert,

not a prescription medicine.

Not any different from yogurt or ice cream.

What's in The Stuff? I mean, what's it made out of?

How's it made?

- What was your name again? - Rutherford.

- Rutherford. - Mo Rutherford.

I hope...

Look, I hope you're not gonna tell me now that there's been some trouble.

I mean, someone is allergic to it.

That would upset you, wouldn't it?

Look, all we can do is look for something common to most people.

Now, if there's no reason to forbid the use of a product,

then we have to OK it.

And in this case, it was...

In this case, it was a pleasure.

It was an absolute pleasure because I love it! I love it!

- Oh, you eat The Stuff? - All the time.

I feed it to Ben. Ben has some.

- You feed the dog The Stuff? - Absolutely.

Ben eats it all the time. Right, Ben?

Well, I... I suppose if both of you eat it, it's gotta be alright.

Yes. It's really good.

But I understand that you're not actually a chemist, Mr. Vickers.

No, no. I'm an administrator,

but, er... but I can give you the names of some of the people on the panel.

Well, I tried that already, and for some strange reason,

they're all out of the country or they're deceased.

- What a shame. - Yeah.

Say, where did you test The Stuff?

- Stader. - Stader, Virginia?

I still have some old preliminary worksheets in my office upstairs.

Maybe you should look at them. Nothing... nothing confidential.

I'd appreciate that, you know.

And I'll Xerox them and send them right back to you.

You know, you're lucky. I never throw anything away.

Ben! Good boy!

Why is your master afraid of you, huh?

You hungry? Want something to eat?

Come on. Let's go to the kitchen.

- Hmm? - Oh, I'm sorry.

I should have offered you a cup of coffee or a nice soft drink.

Well, I-I-I felt like a glass of water, but I'm not thirsty anymore.

These are some of my old documents, just a lot of old names.

Yeah, well, thanks very much. I appreciate it.

It's my pleasure.

I'll get copies of this as soon as possible.

- Well, take your time. - Goodbye, Ben!

You've been a good boy, Ben.

I've got a treat for you.

In fact, I have a treat for both of us.

We deserve it, don't we?

2:30am, and they still keep coming.

Help me! No!

Help me!

No! Stop it!

Ben, no! Ben!

Oh Ben, no!

My son's being held here. His name is Jason Martin.

I'm sorry, but the young man can't go back there.

Alright, fine, um... Stay here, and entertain the gentleman.

Great conversationalist, aren't you, kid?

Your parents are on the way up here right now.

I'm glad I'm not you.

- I'm glad I'm not them. - OK, here you go.

He hasn't said a word since he got here. He won't eat anything either.

Why did you do such a terrible thing?

You realize that I'm responsible for the damage to that supermarket,

I mean, you understand that, don't you?

You're gonna be grounded for an awfully long time, young man.

- Guess I'm supposed to entertain you, huh? - Why not?

I think it was his eye.

Yes, it was that one of eyes resembled that of a vulture

pale blue with a hideous veil over it.

Whenever it fell upon me, my blood ran cold.

So, very gradually, I decided to take the life of the old man,

thus ridding myself of his evil eye.

You mark me mad - mad man know nothing but...

Hello, I'm Dr. Farmer. Are you the parents?

- Yes, I'm Mr. Martin. This is Mrs. Martin. - Hello. Hello.

Dr. Farmer is with the psychiatric program of the youth center here.

She'll decide whether the boy should be held over for a hearing

or be placed in a hospital for psychiatric observation.

Listen, we're never gonna get outta here until we get this matter settled.

Your father is telling you the truth, Jason.

Now, we can all understand an act of vandalism. We can deal with it.

But if you really think there's something wrong with this food,

I'm gonna have to hold you over for psychiatric examination.

You mean a padded cell?

Nothing like that, but you'll have medical tests, and you'll be kept under observation.

Why did you do it? Why did you do that to that supermarket?

Uh... the bottles and cans

they didn't take them and give me the deposit money.

They said they wanted their bottles and cans.

So, I got mad.

So, I tried to get even, OK?

The dreaded sound of a man's heart.

Once again, it sought out my spine.

Oh, mighty God, no!

And all these people heard, they suspected, and they knew that I committed a crime.

It's a good story. You know, I like that story. Were you entertained?

Sure.

I lost a whole day's work because of this.

When we get home, you'll be confined to your room indefinitely.

- Oh, great! - Did they torture you, J?

You stay out of this. Get moving.

Come on, leave him alone.

They locked up the wrong kid.

OK, I'm comin'. I'm comin'.

- What can I do for you? - Fill her up.

Fill her up. Yeah.

There's nice clean restrooms out there, if you want to.

I must have taken the wrong turn-off here somewhere.

- This is Stader, isn't it? - Yes, it is.

I guess I know somebody here. I can't remember his name, er...

Melville.

You mean old Harold? He moved out.

They're just about all moving out of here.

There's nobody here but you?

Don't you wanna wash your hands or somethin'?

I put in a new towel.

- Could you stop that at 20 dollars? - Oh, yeah. Sure.

Do you recognize that car down there?

No.

Ain't that a novelty? Two strangers in one day.

You're Chocolate Chip Charlie!

Well, I sure as hell ain't the Kentucky Colonel!

- Get off of me. - I'm sorry.

What are you doing down here in a town like this,

big executive like you?

I'm trying to find out somethin' about the sons-of-bitches

who stole my company out from under me

and threw me out on my beautiful black ass!

You work for them, huh?

I'm investigating them, same as you are.

Yeah, those shits!

Somehow, man, they got to my asshole brother and my two idiot nephews

and everybody else I trusted with stock.

And they brainwashed them, man!

Next thing I knew, they was in, and I was out!

Yeah, OK, Charlie. Now, did you find anything out?

What you gonna find out, man,

in a town that's been dried up and blown away, man?

Must be a side-effect of eating too much dessert,

an urge to migrate.

Well, there's a widespread urge of that around here.

Yeah, you know, you are one lucky bastard,

because I could've of course killed you with my bare hands

which are famous as lethal weapons, as you well know.

But a man does not kill other men over ice cream.

Yeah, but Charlie, maybe this isn't ice cream.

Oh, you think it tastes good now?

Just wait! They plan to grind my cookies up.

Oh, I know all about that, Charlie.

Yeah, and mix 'em with The Stuff, man, to create a new flavor sensation.

I might have gone along with the idea.

They didn't have to steal my company.

Yeah, but these guys don't like having partners, Charlie.

Yeah, and I figured if they was a Mafia front,

I'd get back at 'em, expose 'em.

And then get my company back.

But how did you find this out-of-the-way place?

Oh, those damned relatives of mine again.

After they voted me off the board of directors, you know what they did?

They hid out from me, man, they just disappeared

because they knew I'd kill 'em!

And then they left this place here as a forwarding address.

- A forwarding address? - Yeah.

Well, that's a Post Office.

And if it wasn't for these infernal circulars, I wouldn't have a thing left to do.

Where does all that mail get rerouted to?

Oh, to the... to these people, the addresses they left behind.

But I don't see that's any interest, er... to you.

Midland, Georgia. Midland, Georgia. Midland, Georgia.

A whole lot of folks have relocated to Midland, Georgia.

Er... dinner time. Now, why don't you just close up shop?

We'll take you out for a bite to eat.

I've... eaten already.

Midland, Georgia, huh?

They all went there, and you stayed here?

Go away.

- Leave us alone. - What do you mean "us", man?

We're talkin' to you.

Ain't nobody else in this place, is there?

'Cause all we see is you and the gas station man,

and now he's gone.

We're not... bothering anybody.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

What do you think, Charlie?

The man is not in proper operating order.

Absolutely!

I'd like to take him some place and get him X-rayed.

But what if he doesn't wanna come along with us?

- We snatch him. - Now, Charlie.

I run a high-tech operation. I don't go in for things like that.

I got a few low-tech solutions for our problem.

We hit that sucker over the head...

Ooh, well... we could do that.

We throw him in the trunk of the car.

- We could do that, too. - And we take off.

Yeah, but in whose car?

I'll be right there, baby.

Hello?

OK, lethal hands. Kill the door.

Watch out for splinters.

I always knock first.

What happened to him? Nobody's mouth can open that wide!

You see that wet, sticky crap on the window?

- It's all over his chest and his chin. - The same slime.

It's like something walked right out of here

and right out that window.

You are not thinking about going after it?

I hope you got a gun on you, Charlie.

How many times must I tell you my hands are lethal weapons?

Yeah, I hope you're right.

'Cause if that thing tries to kill me, you kill me first.

Wait, wait, wait.

We are not alone.

The only thing Chocolate Chip Charlie knows better than fighting is running.

Pick a direction.

Get in that...

Get in that boat, Charlie. Get in that boat!

I just knocked a hole in that sucker!

Get in the boat!

Hey, honey, you got a cup of coffee for me?

Sure do.

You're a pretty thing! Look at her. Isn't she pretty?

- Mm-hmm. - Thank you.

You know, every time I feel like eating, I think of that guy with the mouth.

- Yeah, I know. - It turns me right off my stomach.

Me too.

Hey, waitress. You got any good chocolate chip cookies?

Sure do. Home-made.

You got any of The Stuff?

Wish I did. I can't get it. It's on order, though.

Charles?

You and I are gonna have to split up.

You sure you no longer need my iron fists?

I want you to go to Washington D.C. and see Special Agent Frank Herbert.

from the FBI.

He won't believe me. Maybe he'll believe you.

- Er... Frank Herbert, the FBI? - Shh!

I got ya.

Er... there you go, honey. Thanks a lot.

Hey, fellas. Any of you going down to Route 105 could give a guy a lift?

- Yeah. I'm just about done. - Oh, good. Thanks very much.

Is your friend coming with ya?

Oh, no. He's got other business. Charlie, remember where you are.

Here he comes.

You can't go in there.

- Sir! Sir! - Hello, Mr. Fletcher?

Yeah, I'm on my way round.

Now, don't be so forward, Miss!

You're not allowed in here. This is a private office.

- Mr. Fletcher? - I'm so sorry. He just barged right in.

- How do you do? Mrs. Fletcher? - You want me to call security?

No, no, get outta here. Honey, it's a little late.

I thought the door was locked.

I love your wife.

- Why, you're Mr. Rutherford. - That's right.

Uh-huh. I expected you about now.

I gather Stader wasn't a rather congenial community for you.

- News travels fast. - Mm-hmm.

You're not one of 'em, are you, huh?

You're not on The Stuff, are you?

Oh, good... No, no, no.

No, my doctor wouldn't allow that.

- But you distribute it, don't you? - Yeah.

Your company puts it in all those supermarkets,

and you know what it is.

I know what it is? Don't be ridiculous.

Nobody knows what it is. Or what it wants.

It just is.

And those who would take a critical mass of it, to them, why, it's everything.

And those people who discovered it and came here and brought it to me first,

they were already addicted.

They were compelled to find somebody like me

who could... who could market it in the tens of millions.

But that was long before you test-marketed the product in Stader.

So, where did it all start?

Everyone in Stader went to a little town called Midland, Georgia.

Now, your conglomerate owns a mining company in Midland?

Let go of it, Mr. Rutherford. You can't stop it.

I can shut you down.

I don't know. I really don't know.

I don't think anybody would pay too much attention

to a disreputable character like you.

You're a rogue, you're a crook

in the pay of ice-cream companies just trying to screw the competition.

I could always kill you.

Or you could come and work for me.

Let me show you something.

I got a little envelope here for you in anticipation of your arrival.

- What do you think of that? - A thousand dollar bills?

- Mm-hmm. - How about 25 of them?

Hey! Right on!

Also a first draft here of a contract to supervise our security here.

- You do know who I am, don't you? - Mm-hmm.

I don't have to eat The Stuff, though, do I?

I would like to leave that to the Stuffies.

He knows about the mining company in Midland.

That's why you got to get me inside that Stuff factory in Midland

before thousands more get hooked and murdered by it.

- It's terrible. - It's, uh...

It's awful, but, uh...

- It's not your fault. - It is my fault.

I invented the whole campaign that made it so popular.

Do you think you are the only person to ever do anything wrong?

No, I know I'm not the only person that ever did anything wrong, it's just that I...

Do you wanna... do you wanna trade sins, Miss Kendall?

Alright. I'll... I'll trade a sin with you.

I am not an oil millionaire.

I'm an industrial saboteur.

Why don't you just call the FBI and tell them what you know?

I haven't got any credibility with the Bureau

or any other Federal agency, for that matter.

I was one of them. They kicked me out.

Er... what about Ralph Nader or somebody like that?

Oh, I got a bad name with him, too.

A couple of motorcar companies hired me to discredit consumer groups.

I did too good a job.

But if you've got proof, then we've gotta go to somebody

I don't have any proof. I got no proof at all.

And that's why I gotta go to the factory with you tonight, to get proof.

- David? - Tonight?

- Yeah? - Have you seen this?

Oh... hi, Doc. This is Nicole.

- How do you do? - Pleased to meet you.

Some kid on Long Island sure as hell doesn't like The Stuff for breakfast.

Went bonkers in a local supermarket.

- I'm gonna see that kid. - OK.

- Honey, I'll see you at the airport tonight. - What?

Doc, would you, er... see Miss Kendall home, please?

David...

Oh, by the way... I love you.

"I love you."

That's corny, but it's... it's catchy.

♪ Great taste for today, tastes great every way.

♪ Can't get enough of The Stuff!

The Stuff! The taste that makes you hungry for more.

Enough is never enough.

The Stuff, taste that delivers!

♪ Enough is never enough of The Stuff.

...missing persons reported...

Hey! I'm up here, you know!

A phenomenon not confined to individuals.

Entire families have been reported missing.

- Grounded for life! - ...epidemic proportions.

Tonight on ABC's Nightline,

Ted Koppel tackles the subject of disappearance in the USA.

Hi, look. He's here.

So, what are you looking at?

- Is that dinner? - We're dieting.

I've lost five pounds already this week, and I've never felt better.

Why are you talking like you're on a commercial?

Here, Jason, take some.

You know what I said about that. That was the truth.

And you know that there is something alive in there.

Jason, I mean, there's something alive in yogurt.

- It's called benign bacteria. - Yes!

I mean, there's something alive in a loaf of bread. It's yeast.

- I mean, that's a living organism. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

We eat plenty of things that are still alive that are good for us.

I know that, but... that was moving.

All micro-organisms move, Jason,

I mean, if you could see them with the naked eye.

- Yeah. - I mean, under a microscope

you could see them move, so what's the difference?

They're good for us, Jason.

They kill the bad things inside us.

He's just a baby, always afraid of everything.

Get him!

Help!

- What am I supposed to do? - What you're supposed to do?

You're supposed to eat it, that's all, you eat it.

You eat as much of it as you can, and you keep eating it.

We thought you loved this house, Jason. That's why we bought it.

What about your new room? We got you everything you asked for.

Are we asking you for so much?

You always get everything you want.

Now, you stay in your room until you finish that.

Then you can become a part of the family again.

Hey!

What are you doing down here?

Didn't Dad say stay upstairs and eat it?

He was right.

I tried some of it, and he was right.

Hey! That's mine!

Sure it is.

Hey, Dad. Jason loves it.

Jason always did have a hell of an appetite.

- Why don't you have some more, pal? - Still working on this one.

Then I'll have some more.

Uh-uh. Books off the table. Glasses off.

As a matter of fact, I'll take a whole bunch of it up to my room.

Just in case I get a little bit hungry.

I never get tired anymore.

We don't get tired, now that we've been eating properly.

Help! Open up!

I'm in trouble! Open up!

- Get in the car! - Who are you?

I saw it move, too. Get in the back.

Hey, hold on! Who are you?

Stop him!

Boy, they sure do have a lot of energy.

Ex... excuse me, sir.

I kinda just threw up in your car.

I know!

- I'm sorry! I mean... - That's alright.

- I just ate shaving cream. - No worries.

Everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a while.

You know, that reminds me of the story about the bear and the rabbit.

You ever hear that story? Huh? You want to hear that story?

- OK. - There's, uh...

A bear and a rabbit were sitting in the woods - now, you listening to me?

Come on, listen. A bear and a rabbit were sitting in the woods one day,

and the bear asks the rabbit, "Do you have the same problem...?"

You listen? Come on now, listen.

"You have the same problem I do, rabbit?" And the rabbit says, "What's that?"

He says, "Well, does shit stick to your fur all the time?"

And the rabbit thinks about it, you know,

and the rabbit says, "Well, I don't know. I don't seem to be having that problem."

So, the bear wiped himself with the rabbit.

And that's why the Lord makes the rabbit so soft.

Hmm?

- Pretty good. - I like that one.

You feelin' a little better? Would you open the window now?

- Open the window? - Mm-hmm.

All aboard for Georgia!

Wait a minute, David. I mean, what...?

Any more passengers or are we all set to go?

Well, we got this ex-con here.

Wow! I've never been in a plane like this before.

Come on aboard, son. I'll show you the cockpit.

Wait a minute. Um

David, you can't bring a little child on this thing.

This is the company plane.

We could get into some serious litigation problem here.

And, why, I'll... I'll shut up.

Do you still love me?

Midland, Georgia.

Fletcher's conglomerate that distributes The Stuff

owns mines and quarries all around here.

There's got to be a connection.

Thank you. Very nice flight.

Are you Miss Butterman?

- Yes, I am. Very nice to meet you. - Very nice to meet you, too.

When he wakes up, you keep him entertained.

If we're not back in three hours,

you take him to Savannah Airport and wait for instructions.

I hope you don't mind my bringing my male secretary Roger along.

He's so creative.

I'm Elliot Howard. I'm the chief of public relations down here.

- Very nice to meet you. - This is my partner.

My name is Michael Grimsby.

Grimsby and Howard, Howard and Grimsby. Oh, yeah.

Didn't you gentlemen ever live in the town of Stader, one time or other?

- Er... how do you know that? - Well...

That's where the original tests were done by the Food and Drug Administration, isn't it?

Yes, ma'am. That's how we heard about it.

I had my own business down there, but I gave it up to join the firm.

We were both convinced that this is the product of tomorrow.

- Yeah. - What is so amusing?

Well, I mean, you know, from gas station operator

to corporate vice president, all in one big jump.

Well, uh, people in small towns go where the prospects are more promising.

They do that all the time.

Uh, you ever been to Stader, Virginia?

To Stader? Uh, I've passed through Stader.

What were you doing down there?

- Miss Kendall, what was I doing in Stader? - I sent him.

'Cause there was a campaign. The agency asked me to do a campaign,

checking on the first people who ever tasted The Stuff.

Yeah, weren't we the lucky ones?

The factory's right here. This is what we've been waiting for.

Look at those tall stacks! All full of The Stuff, huh?

- Call me Cassidy. - What?

Cassidy, I'm the company foreman.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I wanna thank you for the wonderful job

you people have been doing down on Madison Avenue.

Oh, it's very easy to sell a product when people like it so much.

Yes, we like it ourselves.

Sometimes it's tough to keep the workmen from eating up all the profits!

I bet.

You shouldn't be shooting pictures here.

Smile.

This is very, very interesting, Mr. Cassidy,

but I think that what we'd like to see

is the room where they put all the ingredients together,

you know, where they mix The Stuff.

Oh, now, that's a state secret, ma'am. We're very tight on that subject.

Now, Mr. Cassidy, I intend to bring an entire crew down here from New York

and shoot a commercial using all the people who really work here at the factory.

Maybe even you, Mr. Cassidy!

Whatever it is, it's dead.

The Stuff will be coming down earlier tonight.

It's been coming down right after sunset every night this week.

Why can't they get us more trucks?

We need more trucks if we're gonna keep up with it.

I don't wanna complain...

Units three and four, be ready to proceed to the quarry at 8pm.

Units five and six should be ready to move out at 9:15pm.

All personnel are restricted to the factory grounds until morning.

No passes are valid.

You had a long flight and all, and I know that you both must be tired.

No, we're not tired...

We've made arrangements for a motel for you nearby.

We'll get you in the morning for a little breakfast

and bring you back here.

Seems you gotta eat enough of it before it starts taking control of your mind.

And like anything else, some people are more susceptible than others.

Oh! I am gonna collapse the minute I hit that pillow!

I sure am glad you gave us adjoining rooms,

'cause she likes to dictate right in the middle of the night, you know?

She looks after my shorthand and my hunt and my peck.

The new low-calorie high-energy food that doesn't melt in hot weather.

I've got The Stuff.

Have you had any today?

Oh, that felt good!

The Stuff is only available in New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.

Stuff it!

David!

David!

Oh, I'll get it off you. I'll burn it.

No, don't, don't. Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

Take your hands away.

I'm gonna burn it.

It hardened on my face. It hardened on my face.

I'll kill you!

Leave us alone! Leave us alone!

Oh, God!

Help me! I can't...

Look at that! That's meant for us!

It's killing him!

- Help him, Mo. - I'll burn the hell out of it.

Don't touch me.

- Are you alright? - Don't touch me. I'm alright. I'll be OK.

Just get in the car.

W-We don't have the keys for that car. That's

I don't care. Get in the car - I'll hotwire it.

The keys are in the car.

Give me those keys.

Nicole, you see that truck?

- Yeah? - Get in it.

- Hurry up. - Oh...

What if somebody reports the truck stolen and... and then we're arrested?

We just tell them that fella tried to kill us.

Where are we going?

We're going back to the factory. We're gonna take our own guided tour.

Ooh, that stuff can drive a man right up a wall.

Where are they going?

Where are they going at this hour?

Good time to travel when you don't wanna be seen.

Let's find out where they're going.

We can't go much further with this damned thing.

It's making too much noise.

Oh... I can't do this in these shoes.

If you were a gentleman, you'd offer to carry me.

Carry you? You earn three times what I earn. You oughta carry me!

Didn't I just save your life?

You just set fire to my face.

What's that light up ahead?

It's a living, breathing organism.

What the hell are they doing?

That stuff comes right out of the center of the Earth.

And straight into our supermarkets.

Do you mean they don't process it or manufacture it at all?

No, they siphon it right off and into the trucks.

And the only way I can prove that is to go down there and steal one of those trucks.

You can't do that, this place is wide open. They're gonna see you.

- Not if I have this on. - Oh, my God!

No wonder you saved that thing instead of my pocket book.

- Shh! - I'm sorry.

I want you to go back to the pickup. The keys are under the floorboard.

And meet me at Route 5 near the parkway. Alright?

- You gonna be alright? - I'll be fine. This is my business.

- You look kinda cute in this thing. - Yeah?

I do love encouragement.

It's coming down in great masses tonight.

Be grateful for its plentiful supply and for the good work we are doing.

Soon, the hunger in the world will be a thing of the past.

The Earth is giving off the food that will nourish all

and guide us all to a new order of life.

Oh, no!

Oh, my God! I'm gonna drown in The Stuff!

Get me out of here! Help!

Howdy.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Why don't you do something?

Why don't you do something to me?

Jason?

I'll get you out of there.

Hey, what are you doing there?

Get out of that truck!

You're inside my head.

You want me to do what you made the rest of my family do. No!

No, no!

Grab on! Grab my hands, Jason.

That's it. I got you now. Come on.

Mo, what took you so long?

You pick strange places to hide.

How the hell did you get into the back of that truck?

- It's kind of embarrassing, Nicole. - Uh...

That stuff won't stay buried for long.

They'll dig it out again.

Oh, boy! I never thought I'd be glad to see cops!

Well, they control the factory and the surrounding area,

don't you think they control the police, too?

The whole damn quarry was full of police,

there are dozens of 'em. They're all Stuffies.

Hey! Your hose is hanging out back there.

Are you gonna arrest me for indecent exposure?

Knock it off! Get out of the truck.

Who's she? And what's the kid doing in there?

Get your hands up where I can see 'em, and come on down out of the truck.

Get over there. Put your hands up.

Go ahead.

Do I have to put my hands up, too?

I mean, aren't you gonna shake me down?

OK, Miss. You come down out of the truck, too.

I'd love to, Officer, but it's so much easier said than done.

- You know, I have high h... - Just come down. Come on.

It seems we've sprung a leak.

It's a shame all that Stuff is going to waste.

Yeah. It's a shame to let all that go to waste.

Kinda makes my stomach hurt.

I gotta go get some.

- Let's get some! - Officer! I'm so hungry.

You know how it is. You get so hungry

if you go without The Stuff for more an hour or two.

I bet you're hungry too, aren't you, Officer? You're a hungry guy.

God! I'm so hungry! Come on, Officer.

Mm! Officer, it's so good!

I'm sure you want some, don't you?

- Ah, this is great. - Mm, mm!

Hey, look. There's a town up ahead!

I'm gonna bypass it. It's too small.

They probably control it, and we'd never get out of there.

Then where do we go, David?

We go to a large city, and they can't control it. We have a chance.

- A castle? - I know the man who lives here.

I know everything about him, only he doesn't know me.

Wait here.

I am reporting to Colonel Spears.

Well, why don't you just write him a letter?

I want to talk to him about a lady.

- What lady? - Josephine Lansing.

Who?

You can try to get straight.

You just, uh... come with me.

Colonel Spears?

He, uh... mentioned something about a woman called Josephine.

Name doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, well she was a very pretty young, uh... colored girl.

Who are you?

Well, I once worked for a man named Hoover.

And he once ordered me to put some taps on an apartment

that you rented for, er... a 17-year-old black chick.

And I... I wish I'd brought along the tapes

because I could prove to you that I really am who I am.

You're not with the Bureau anymore?

Oh, no, no, no! They canned me.

Just before they mailed those tapes to your wife.

I could toss you off this tower. You'd land right about there.

You're a trespasser.

You see, Colonel,

I only told you about the tapes so I could get up here to see you.

'Cause I need you.

You know that the whole country needs you?

You wouldn't be tryin' to lie to me or deceive me or entrap me?

Do... do you remember you were worried

about the commies putting fluoride in our water system?

You know, there's a thing goin' on now that's a lot worse?

Americans are being poisoned faster and quicker than you can imagine.

- Poisoned? - Yeah.

The FBI, you know, they're always worried

about commies getting... getting these deep-cover agents

and putting them into high positions in American industry.

Then they'd acquire a corporation, right?

And then they'd establish themselves, and they'd work on us.

from within, right inside it.

Get inside our insides and get us from the inside, get it?

Sounds like one of my radio speeches a year ago last Thanksgiving.

You were a deep prophet.

A product is being sold now

and is being consumed by tens of millions of people,

and it contains a mind-affecting drug in it.

And you and I both know who they are.

- And they're doin' it? - Oh, yeah.

Their headquarters are less than 100 miles from here.

Sons-of-bitches! They're flaunting it at me!

Yeah, I guess they forgot about Colonel Spears, huh?

They didn't know you were around, and that you had something in you

and you could hunt 'em and bring 'em to their knees, right?

Young man, you come with me. We're gonna have a nice tall cool drink.

How come your feet don't smell?

Noisy enough for you?

Ma'am, would you mind not doing that? It gives me the creeps.

The Colonel would like to see you upstairs if it's not too much trouble.

Oh, no, you just stay right there, young trooper.

What, are you in the army or something?

We are your only army, son.

So, this is the young lady who's gonna go with us?

Well, she's familiar with the plant. She's been inside, she can guide us.

You can ride up with me.

Oh, well, that's gonna really be an honor, Colonel.

I know, that's why I asked you.

And after this mission, you can reward me in a suitable fashion.

Oh, er... Colonel. I-I think you're movin' in on my lady.

Well, I wouldn't worry about that, son. You'll probably be a casualty.

If I am, you may never get those tapes back.

What tapes?

Well, he was gonna bring me some, uh... Wayne Newton tapes.

He knows I like the oldies but the goodies.

Uh, in that case no youngies.

Let's adjourn to the vehicles.

Son

you're about to witness a great military maneuver.

You know that missing truck?

I see it coming down the road right now.

No, I can't see who's at the wheel.

Hey!

I found this here truck down by Highway 12, abandoned.

Kind of figured you might, er... give us some kinda cash reward for bringing it back.

Yeah, OK. Move it on in.

Well, c'mon! Move it on in!

Not till we talk about money.

Listen, stay right here.

Yeah, this, uh... this guy is giving me a hard time. He's talking about money.

Nobody told me what to do in a case like this.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I understand.

OK, fine.

- Well? - It's all settled.

Come on!

I kinda like the sight of blood, but this is disgusting.

Well, I'm getting used to this.

Attention! The main gate has been penetrated.

Outsiders are entering the factory area. Do not resist them.

Follow the agreed upon course of action.

Repeat, follow the agreed upon course of action.

Where the hell are the yellow-bellied sons-of-bitches Stuffies?

Get back! C'mon! Check out behind that truck.

Get some men up on that tower. Now!

C'mon, you Stuffies sons-of-bitches!

That's right, Colonel. You tell 'em!

You know why they move so fast?

'Cause they're fast food, that's why.

Come on! Come oh, honey.

Let's go have a look inside, guys.

- No show of resistance. - They may not be armed, sir.

Doesn't matter if they are armed.

There is no match for the American boy.

- We have never lost a war. - What about 'Nam, sir?

We lost that war at home, sonny.

They may have run out on us.

Don't look. Don't look.

The yellow sons-of-bitches.

They took their own lives. Commie bastards! You cheated me.

Still warm. This must have just happened.

Must have issued suicide capsules, ready for us.

Standard KGB procedure.

How about you, FBI, you ever seen anything like this?

No white stuff in this son-of-a-bitch!

Whatever was inside of them must have just taken off.

Well, I knew this would happen. There's nothing surprising to me.

I should've known right off the bat when I walked in here

that there'd be nothing here but a goddamn shell collection.

Look at this. Do you see this?

- Let's go outside. - I want to see. I want to see this.

- No, we have to go outside. - I don't want to go. I want to see.

You have to protect the young lady, trooper.

- How do you get out of here? - Down to the end, take a left.

Thanks.

Come over here, boy. C'mon! C'mon, move!

You think you, with these guns you've got in your hands,

you think you can shoot anything you don't like?

What if what you don't like is inside you?

Huh? How you gonna shoot it?

Come on, Nicole, I wanna go back. I'm missing all the excitement.

Please, Jason, you've seen enough for one day.

You know, I have!

They must've noticed, you know, that we're not kidding.

Come on, be a good kid. I need a hero right now.

Come on, come on! Come on!

Nicole, it's coming after us!

No!

Go faster, Nicole. Hurry up! Move!

We gotta make it through that door. Come on!

- Oh, no. - Yeah!

One... two... three!

Look out! Don't get any of it on you!

Keep back!

It's changing. I saw a whole factory back there.

A whole big building covered with it.

Only it looked gray and dead, and it turned hard.

It's turning into solid rock.

OK, Colonel, we got it rigged, and it's all ready to blow.

Alright.

Oh, my God! Did I do that?

Honey, I couldn't have done it better myself.

Alright, we're gonna leave it where it is.

I own two radio stations in Atlanta.

We're gonna fly down there. We're gonna broadcast a warning.

We're gonna tell the public what this Stuff can do.

Hey, Colonel, assuming we even get on the air,

I'm sorry, but who's gonna believe you?

Well, the people who have always believed me will believe me again.

And the others will think I'm crazier than ever.

- Nicole, you're in public relations, ain't you? - Yes, I am.

You think you can get people to like me?

I don't care if you like me, FBI.

What do you mean? I don't like you?

But Colonel, I came to you first!

You know, there are a lot of other paranoid sons-of-bitches in this country

I could've come to.

75, 80, 90% of the people in this world don't like me.

- No? - No matter what I do.

I give my body, I give my soul.

- And they still don't like you? - They don't like me.

They never have liked me.

When I was a boy, I was always the biggest and toughest

and strongest and smartest and best-looking.

See, they wanna see somebody who's lily-livered

and weak and spineless, just like they are.

Ain't that right, FBI?

So, anyway, I'd like to know if there's something you can do

to help me change my image?

Now, Colonel, I think she can change your image like that!

You sold them that white shit. Why can't you help sell 'em me?

Come on, gorgeous!

I should've taken you into combat years ago.

What is this, World War Ill?

Just get us to 4th and Main right away, and no more of your liberal remarks.

Thanks.

Where are they going with machine guns?

Pay the drivers. Issue a 10% tip.

- Get a cash receipt. - Yes, sir!

Proceed to the main lobby. We will reassemble. Hup!

Report!

Sir, our affiliates in Florida, Memphis and Macon,

they've all agreed to carry your remarks in full.

Buy clearances on as many stations as you can.

Try the network affiliates. Make it worth their while.

What's on our station now?

Just the local sports and then a tribute to Elvis.

The stuff, the taste that makes you hungry for more!

Get that shit off my station!

Get it off!

- You can't write this. - What?

Well, you say that you're partly responsible for the whole thing

and that you promoted reckless advertising.

- Well, that's the truth, isn't it? - Well, do you wanna wreck your career?

I mean, you can be idealistic, but don't be stupid. I mean, this is

I thought maybe I'd let you support me for a while.

Support you?

Well, yeah. You do make money off the things you do.

Well, you know, when I blackmail people, I do.

Get these Stormtroopers out of my way before I lay them all to waste!

Get out the way! Don't you know who I am?

I am Chocolate Chip Charlie.

My hands are registered with the Midland, Georgia police as lethal weapons,

and I eat those guys for breakfast.

"The American people are being poisoned

"by a popular dessert product known as The Stuff." Right.

"If you have this food in your possession, do not eat it."

Good.

"If you are a merchant and you..." What is that?

That's "sell it", "do not sell it".

Get off! Just get out of it!

He's alright. Charlie, how are you?

How are you doing, David, my man?

Hey, David, man. They tried to get to me three or four times,

they tried, but I punched a lot of holes in 'em.

- But how did you find us? - Well, you got time for a long story?

No, I don't, but you know, I never did hear from the FBI.

You are not gonna do a program on this subject

without the participation of Chocolate Chip Charlie.

Because they stole my company, man. You know that, I got a right to be heard.

- Good idea. - That's a great idea.

Course, they might figure I'm lying, you know,

they might figure I'm trying to knock the competition, you know?

Do you know how often it's easier to believe lies than the truth?

Charlie, you are really welcome. I'm Nicole, queen of the ex-liars.

Eight minutes to air time. Who is this?

- Well, he's on the broadcast. - Not on my station.

Hey, are you really Chocolate Chip Charlie?

It's nice to see that somebody still likes me.

And the answer is that I am just plain old Charlie W. Hobbs,

a private citizen who wants to make a public statement.

And you are not gonna keep me off those microphones, Colonel,

even with your stooges in the funny costumes.

Do you realize how many people love Charlie as much as Jason does?

- 20 million! - 20 million people.

In advertising money, how much is that?

An extra 20,000 a minute, probably.

And if you wanna throw away all that money, go right ahead.

I will permit this colored man to speak.

But speak one word of the Commie Party line

or one word in code, and I will blow his head off.

Look, can I go somewhere to get my thoughts organized?

We'll get the plot outlined, and we'll be back in a minute.

OK, we don't have a lot of time, so are you prepared to say on air

that you've actually seen people devoured by The Stuff?

Oh, hell, yes! And what's worse, I've seen what's left of them

when The Stuff gets through and comes back out.

You wanna run that by me again?

I've seen what's left when The Stuff gets through with them and comes back out.

It sort of vacates the premises when it's through.

How?

I'm... I'm sorry.

I mean, what am I asking you for? How would you know?

Oh, I know!

Oh... Charlie.

Charlie, are you alright?

Charlie, are you... are you alright? What's the matter?

Charlie! Let go!

- Oh, God! - Please, I can't breathe. Help!

Help us put an end to it! Stop!

- Jason? - No! Stop!

Put an end to it!

I can't breathe! I can't breathe! Help!

Help!

Grab that cable!

Hit the juice!

Hit it!

Fry, you white bastard!

Nicole! Where are you? Come on, get away from it!

Nicole, you've got to get out from under it!

Get 'em out!

Run! Run!

Get the girl out! Get the kid out!

I'm coming. Come on, Jason.

That's a fine-looking piece of womanhood.

If you can get that Stuff off her, I'll marry her myself.

30 seconds, sir. Should we delay?

Oh, no. We'll never get the clearances again.

Ladies and gentlemen, from Atlanta, Georgia,

this is a broadcast of warning.

This is not fiction. This is not a dramatization.

My fellow Americans, this is Colonel Malcolm Grommett Spears.

I have never misled you, and I will never mislead you.

Tonight, America is in grave danger.

We are under alien attack by a substance which represents itself

as a popular dessert known as The Stuff.

If The Stuff is in your house, do not eat it.

Repeat, I mark you, do not eat it!

If you are a merchant and have it on your shelves, do not sell it!

If you happen to have a distributorship and you distribute this material,

close your doors, make no more sales.

- Leave us alone! - ...instructions from Mr. David Rutherford,

former member of the Federal Bureau of Investigations.

Uh, now, if a member of your family is dependent on this product,

get them to a hospital.

And If you have this product in your home, cook it.

I repeat, cook it.

Across the nation, violent action has been taken

against the stores and franchises that carried The Stuff.

Local authorities caution the public to remain calm.

Following reports that the product was toxic,

public health officials visited the quarry in Midland, Georgia,

only to find it buried in a mass of rubble.

And no evidence has yet been found

to corroborate charges by various right-wing military organizations

that a conspiracy existed

to purposefully introduce poisonous substances into the food chain.

A fact-finding commission in Washington

has now no grounds for action against the Fletcher Fine Foods Corporation

which claims to have innocently acted solely as distributor for The Stuff.

More at eleven.

And the people did believe. In the weeks that followed,

The Stuff was withdrawn from distribution.

And the nation mobilized to collect it and destroy it.

Although the casualties were in the thousands,

American industry has worked with full government support

to save millions of other lives

and to compensate the injured for their tragic losses.

I am reading these words off a teleprompter

because I... I simply didn't know what to say.

And the fact of the matter is that... I'm selling you an apology.

It's the same thing I've been doing all along.

I'm sorry.

She is a pretty thing, isn't she?

Well!

Well, are you, um... are you here to throw my money back in my face?

- Er... no. I spent it.

You think by dynamiting one quarry you could shut us down forever?

Don't you realize that stuff seeps up through the Earth in any place?

Well, I guess we'll just find those places.

I'm afraid I'm... not alone tonight, Mo.

I suppose you've spent my money as well, eh?

King of the ice cream!

You two, you're in business together now, right?

It was inevitable, wasn't it?

The Stuff is finished, of course, but look here.

Look at the new campaign for The Taste.

Only 12% of The Stuff in it.

Just enough to make the public crave for more.

And the balance is natural dairy products.

There won't be enough of The Stuff in it

to get a grip on anybody's mind, to take over.

- Oh, how do you know? - Well, we tested it.

We tested it in a small Illinois town.

Well, if you tested it, then you can taste it.

Oh! You go too far.

I didn't come alone here either.

I brought along a couple of friends. Jason!

This is no place for a kid, Mo.

Oh, he ain't a kid anymore.

The Stuff took away his parents and took away his brother.

You said you brought another friend?

Yup. Him.

Now, put that away.

You wouldn't use it in front of the boy.

Like he said, I've been through a lot.

Well, you sit right down. Go on, have yourself a seat.

We're gonna have a little dinner. Come on.

Jason?

- Serve the gentlemen. - A pleasure.

You recognize that, don't you?

Oh... No. Wait...

Make a big old mountain of it right in front of them.

- Here. - Yes, pass it right on down.

Dig in yourself.

Look! I-I had nothing to do with it. I didn't...

You see this hole here?

It's getting bigger and bigger, isn't it?

So, you'd better eat that or you're gonna eat this.

- Eat it! - How much of it?

You eat as much of it as I want you to eat,

until I tell you to stop, till it's comin' outta your eyeballs.

- Eat it. - You, too, partner.

Eat it!

Lookin' like a grown-up boy's taking his medicine. Yah.

That's going down real nice now, isn't it?

Startin' to pick up resonance in your belly, rootin' down there,

- tyin' things up. - You want some?

Yeah. Look at you, man.

You got a real partnership going now.

You guys could sing a duet together.

You feel it inside yourself? It's thinking in there.

It's getting ideas all of its own.

And it's turning your eyeballs into rainbows.

You look so happy - I bet that no one's seen you that happy.

Oh, you want this?

- Say pretty please. - Please.

There we go.

Help yourself.

Are you eatin' it? Or is it eatin' you?

It's got you.

Yeah, it's good.

Here they come. Right on schedule.

I guess we did it, Mo.

We actually made them think they were hooked.

I'd sure like to be there when those two finish confessing all their sins to the police

and then find out we've really been feeding them Haagen-Dazs all night long.

Enough is never enough.