Original subtitles

There were six important congressional

There were six important congressional

There were six important congressional primaries yesterday. So, you know what

primaries yesterday. So, you know what

primaries yesterday. So, you know what that means? If you live in Alabama,

that means? If you live in Alabama,

that means? If you live in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon, or

Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon, or

Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon, or Pennsylvania, you forgot to vote.

Pennsylvania, you forgot to vote.

Pennsylvania, you forgot to vote. And once again, the big story is Donald

And once again, the big story is Donald

And once again, the big story is Donald Trump absolutely stomping on disloyal

Trump absolutely stomping on disloyal

Trump absolutely stomping on disloyal Republicans like Godzilla with slightly

Republicans like Godzilla with slightly

Republicans like Godzilla with slightly thicker ankles.

thicker ankles.

thicker ankles. >> Another round of retaliation for

>> Another round of retaliation for

>> Another round of retaliation for President Trump. He has helped unseat

President Trump. He has helped unseat

President Trump. He has helped unseat one of his most prominent Republican

one of his most prominent Republican

one of his most prominent Republican critics on the Hill, Congressman Thomas

critics on the Hill, Congressman Thomas

critics on the Hill, Congressman Thomas Massie, who spearheaded the law forcing

Massie, who spearheaded the law forcing

Massie, who spearheaded the law forcing the release of the Epstein files. Yeah,

the release of the Epstein files. Yeah,

the release of the Epstein files. Yeah, that'll teach you to try to expose

that'll teach you to try to expose

that'll teach you to try to expose pedophiles.

pedophiles.

pedophiles. What is going on here? Releasing the

What is going on here? Releasing the

What is going on here? Releasing the Epstein files didn't put anyone in

Epstein files didn't put anyone in

Epstein files didn't put anyone in prison. The guy who got the Epstein

prison. The guy who got the Epstein

prison. The guy who got the Epstein files released got voted out. And

files released got voted out. And

files released got voted out. And meanwhile, the Michael Jackson movie

meanwhile, the Michael Jackson movie

meanwhile, the Michael Jackson movie made $300 million.

Is is America pro pedophile now?

Is is America pro pedophile now?

Is is America pro pedophile now? >> Jeffrey, you killed yourself too early.

>> Jeffrey, you killed yourself too early.

>> Jeffrey, you killed yourself too early. The the tides were turning.

But let's move on from Trump meddling in

But let's move on from Trump meddling in

But let's move on from Trump meddling in primaries to him meddling all over the

primaries to him meddling all over the

primaries to him meddling all over the world, starting with his war in Iran.

world, starting with his war in Iran.

world, starting with his war in Iran. And I know people that think that Donald

And I know people that think that Donald

And I know people that think that Donald Trump didn't have a plan for the war,

Trump didn't have a plan for the war,

Trump didn't have a plan for the war, but guess what? Liptods and military

but guess what? Liptods and military

but guess what? Liptods and military generals. Turns out he did have a plan.

generals. Turns out he did have a plan.

generals. Turns out he did have a plan. It was just very stupid. New reporting

It was just very stupid. New reporting

It was just very stupid. New reporting reveals an early objective of the war

reveals an early objective of the war

reveals an early objective of the war with Iran involved a regime change

with Iran involved a regime change

with Iran involved a regime change strategy that would reinstate former

strategy that would reinstate former

strategy that would reinstate former Iranian President Mahmud Ahmedad as the

Iranian President Mahmud Ahmedad as the

Iranian President Mahmud Ahmedad as the country's leader. Yes, that Makmoud

country's leader. Yes, that Makmoud

country's leader. Yes, that Makmoud Akadinhan, the president of Iran from

Akadinhan, the president of Iran from

Akadinhan, the president of Iran from 2005 to 2013, the man who strongly

2005 to 2013, the man who strongly

2005 to 2013, the man who strongly supported Iran's nuclear program and

supported Iran's nuclear program and

supported Iran's nuclear program and more.

more.

more. So, the plan to stop Iran from getting

So, the plan to stop Iran from getting

So, the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons was to install a leader

nuclear weapons was to install a leader

nuclear weapons was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons.

who wanted to get nuclear weapons.

who wanted to get nuclear weapons. I love it. No notes.

I love it. No notes.

I love it. No notes. And if you hate this plan, don't worry.

And if you hate this plan, don't worry.

And if you hate this plan, don't worry. That wasn't the part that didn't work.

That wasn't the part that didn't work.

That wasn't the part that didn't work. Ahmedaj was injured on the war's first

Ahmedaj was injured on the war's first

Ahmedaj was injured on the war's first day by an Israeli strike at his home in

day by an Israeli strike at his home in

day by an Israeli strike at his home in Tehran that had been designed to free

Tehran that had been designed to free

Tehran that had been designed to free him from house arrest.

So you're telling me that two entire

So you're telling me that two entire

So you're telling me that two entire countries thought the smartest way to

countries thought the smartest way to

countries thought the smartest way to free someone from house arrest was to

free someone from house arrest was to

free someone from house arrest was to blow up his house?

blow up his house?

blow up his house? Nobody suggested uh I don't know calling

Nobody suggested uh I don't know calling

Nobody suggested uh I don't know calling a locksmith uh maybe sneaking him out in

a locksmith uh maybe sneaking him out in

a locksmith uh maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin.

a laundry bin.

a laundry bin. What was the thinking here? You can't be

What was the thinking here? You can't be

What was the thinking here? You can't be under house arrest if you don't have a

under house arrest if you don't have a

under house arrest if you don't have a house.

house.

house. So

So

So that that that

obviously that plan didn't work. Uh in

obviously that plan didn't work. Uh in

obviously that plan didn't work. Uh in fact everything in the war of Iran has

fact everything in the war of Iran has

fact everything in the war of Iran has been a lot harder than we thought. But

been a lot harder than we thought. But

been a lot harder than we thought. But this is America. And what do we do when

this is America. And what do we do when

this is America. And what do we do when things get hard? Say it with me. We lose

things get hard? Say it with me. We lose

things get hard? Say it with me. We lose interest and move on to other things.

interest and move on to other things.

interest and move on to other things. For example, Greenland. Yeah,

remember this

remember this

remember this It was Trump's original takeover target,

It was Trump's original takeover target,

It was Trump's original takeover target, and now he's got a new strategy for

and now he's got a new strategy for

and now he's got a new strategy for doing it. Seduce them with kindness.

doing it. Seduce them with kindness.

doing it. Seduce them with kindness. >> Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry was in

>> Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry was in

>> Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry was in Greenland this week. his first trip as

Greenland this week. his first trip as

Greenland this week. his first trip as President Trump's new special envoy to

President Trump's new special envoy to

President Trump's new special envoy to the Danish territory.

the Danish territory.

the Danish territory. >> Do you have a message from President

>> Do you have a message from President

>> Do you have a message from President Trump with you?

Trump with you?

Trump with you? >> Actually, I do. I talked to him late

>> Actually, I do. I talked to him late

>> Actually, I do. I talked to him late last night. He said, "Go over there and

last night. He said, "Go over there and

last night. He said, "Go over there and make some a bunch of friends, as many

make some a bunch of friends, as many

make some a bunch of friends, as many friends as we can."

>> Damn, this male loneliness epidemic is

>> Damn, this male loneliness epidemic is

>> Damn, this male loneliness epidemic is really getting out of control. I mean,

really getting out of control. I mean,

really getting out of control. I mean, >> American middle-aged men are such losers

>> American middle-aged men are such losers

>> American middle-aged men are such losers that we have to need to take over

that we have to need to take over

that we have to need to take over Greenland just to make friends.

Greenland just to make friends.

Greenland just to make friends. Yes, Greenland has just been visited by

Yes, Greenland has just been visited by

Yes, Greenland has just been visited by America's special envoy, which for some

America's special envoy, which for some

America's special envoy, which for some reason is the governor of Louisiana. And

reason is the governor of Louisiana. And

reason is the governor of Louisiana. And it shouldn't be hard to make friends

it shouldn't be hard to make friends

it shouldn't be hard to make friends because any country who has the little

because any country who has the little

because any country who has the little circles over the letters is always

circles over the letters is always

circles over the letters is always friendly, right? Denmark, Sweden, the

friendly, right? Denmark, Sweden, the

friendly, right? Denmark, Sweden, the country in Frozen. So, I'm sure it went

country in Frozen. So, I'm sure it went

country in Frozen. So, I'm sure it went fine.

fine.

fine. >> He He wanted to know if you were famous.

>> He He wanted to know if you were famous.

>> He He wanted to know if you were famous. I said, "Well, I don't know if he's

I said, "Well, I don't know if he's

I said, "Well, I don't know if he's famous, but he's the governor of

famous, but he's the governor of

famous, but he's the governor of Louisiana." You don't want to take a

Louisiana." You don't want to take a

Louisiana." You don't want to take a picture?

picture?

picture? >> NO.

>> This this Greenland kid is like, "Oh,

>> This this Greenland kid is like, "Oh,

>> This this Greenland kid is like, "Oh, sorry. You said that you're the governor

sorry. You said that you're the governor

sorry. You said that you're the governor of which state?" Nah, I'm I'm good. I'm

of which state?" Nah, I'm I'm good. I'm

of which state?" Nah, I'm I'm good. I'm good. Is is Kathy Hokll around? Or

good. Is is Kathy Hokll around? Or

good. Is is Kathy Hokll around? Or someone else? Like, come on, kid. You're

someone else? Like, come on, kid. You're

someone else? Like, come on, kid. You're not impressed by Jeff Landry?

not impressed by Jeff Landry?

not impressed by Jeff Landry? This man is the governor of America's

This man is the governor of America's

This man is the governor of America's second most illiterate state.

second most illiterate state.

second most illiterate state. Does that mean anything to you?

Does that mean anything to you?

Does that mean anything to you? >> But sure, I I get I get it. I mean,

>> But sure, I I get I get it. I mean,

>> But sure, I I get I get it. I mean, phones nowadays can only hold like what,

phones nowadays can only hold like what,

phones nowadays can only hold like what, 60,000 photos. You got to make them

60,000 photos. You got to make them

60,000 photos. You got to make them count.

count.

count. I mean, Jeff, you're embarrassing us in

I mean, Jeff, you're embarrassing us in

I mean, Jeff, you're embarrassing us in front of our future colony. Step up your

front of our future colony. Step up your

front of our future colony. Step up your game. Okay. Turn on that southern charm.

game. Okay. Turn on that southern charm.

game. Okay. Turn on that southern charm. >> Greenland news outlets reported that

>> Greenland news outlets reported that

>> Greenland news outlets reported that Landry was seen handing out chocolate

Landry was seen handing out chocolate

Landry was seen handing out chocolate cookies.

cookies.

cookies. >> You come to the governor's mansion, you

>> You come to the governor's mansion, you

>> You come to the governor's mansion, you all the chocolate chip cookies you can

all the chocolate chip cookies you can

all the chocolate chip cookies you can eat.

eat.

eat. STRANGER, STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER.

STRANGER, STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER.

STRANGER, STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER. Great idea for winning over the people

Great idea for winning over the people

Great idea for winning over the people of Greenland. Talk to them like the

of Greenland. Talk to them like the

of Greenland. Talk to them like the neighborhood pedophile.

neighborhood pedophile.

neighborhood pedophile. I'm telling you, Epstein, you went too

I'm telling you, Epstein, you went too

I'm telling you, Epstein, you went too soon. All right. Everything it would

soon. All right. Everything it would

soon. All right. Everything it would have been okay. So, Greenland isn't

have been okay. So, Greenland isn't

have been okay. So, Greenland isn't working out either. But don't worry,

working out either. But don't worry,

working out either. But don't worry, there are lots of countries we can still

there are lots of countries we can still

there are lots of countries we can still pick a fight with.

pick a fight with.

pick a fight with. >> Breaking news. The Department of Justice

>> Breaking news. The Department of Justice

>> Breaking news. The Department of Justice filing criminal charges against former

filing criminal charges against former

filing criminal charges against former Cuban President Raul Castro. The 94y old

Cuban President Raul Castro. The 94y old

Cuban President Raul Castro. The 94y old Castro is the brother of Fidel Castro.

Castro is the brother of Fidel Castro.

Castro is the brother of Fidel Castro. >> Holy We're going to send a 94 year

>> Holy We're going to send a 94 year

>> Holy We're going to send a 94 year old man to jail. Like, what's the point?

old man to jail. Like, what's the point?

old man to jail. Like, what's the point? Everywhere that guy sits is death row. I

Everywhere that guy sits is death row. I

Everywhere that guy sits is death row. I mean I mean look at this guy. He's so

mean I mean look at this guy. He's so

mean I mean look at this guy. He's so old he needs help walking from another

old he needs help walking from another

old he needs help walking from another old guy.

Where are you going to find a jury of

Where are you going to find a jury of

Where are you going to find a jury of his peers with a with a Ouija board? I

his peers with a with a Ouija board? I

his peers with a with a Ouija board? I mean,

mean,

mean, on the plus side, I guess you don't need

on the plus side, I guess you don't need

on the plus side, I guess you don't need to handcuff him. You can just tie his

to handcuff him. You can just tie his

to handcuff him. You can just tie his hands together with his long droopy

hands together with his long droopy

hands together with his long droopy balls.

balls.

balls. At least this shows that no one is above

At least this shows that no one is above

At least this shows that no one is above the law, even if your pants are above

the law, even if your pants are above

the law, even if your pants are above your nipples.

Yeah. Yeah. It's

I know. I know. It's It's funny, right?

I know. I know. It's It's funny, right?

I know. I know. It's It's funny, right? Yeah. It's

Yeah. It's

Yeah. It's it's it's a good thing none of us are

it's it's a good thing none of us are

it's it's a good thing none of us are ever getting old.

Anyway, uh let's let's hear the charges.

Anyway, uh let's let's hear the charges.

Anyway, uh let's let's hear the charges. >> The 94 year old faces criminal charges

>> The 94 year old faces criminal charges

>> The 94 year old faces criminal charges in his alleged role in ordering two

in his alleged role in ordering two

in his alleged role in ordering two aircrafts to be shot down back when he

aircrafts to be shot down back when he

aircrafts to be shot down back when he was the defense minister in 1996.

was the defense minister in 1996.

was the defense minister in 1996. >> Oh man, the charges are from 1996. That

>> Oh man, the charges are from 1996. That

>> Oh man, the charges are from 1996. That was 30 years ago. He was only what 64 at

was 30 years ago. He was only what 64 at

was 30 years ago. He was only what 64 at the time. I mean, we all do crazy

the time. I mean, we all do crazy

the time. I mean, we all do crazy when we're young.

when we're young.

when we're young. For more on America's military efforts

For more on America's military efforts

For more on America's military efforts in Cuba, we go live to Havana with our

in Cuba, we go live to Havana with our

in Cuba, we go live to Havana with our very own Jordan Cleer.

Jordan, the people love you. Why is

Jordan, the people love you. Why is

Jordan, the people love you. Why is America going after a 94 year old

America going after a 94 year old

America going after a 94 year old leader? Oh. Oh, so now you like old

leader? Oh. Oh, so now you like old

leader? Oh. Oh, so now you like old people in charge, huh?

people in charge, huh?

people in charge, huh? Everyone complains about a gerontocracy,

Everyone complains about a gerontocracy,

Everyone complains about a gerontocracy, but Trump's the only one willing to do

but Trump's the only one willing to do

but Trump's the only one willing to do something about it. Taking out aging

something about it. Taking out aging

something about it. Taking out aging leaders with health conditions is what

leaders with health conditions is what

leaders with health conditions is what he does best. Raul Castro, Ayatollah

he does best. Raul Castro, Ayatollah

he does best. Raul Castro, Ayatollah Kamani, Joe Biden. You know,

Kamani, Joe Biden. You know,

Kamani, Joe Biden. You know, Trump's as dangerous to the elderly as

Trump's as dangerous to the elderly as

Trump's as dangerous to the elderly as uneven floors.

uneven floors.

uneven floors. So what? We're gonna go kidnap Castro

So what? We're gonna go kidnap Castro

So what? We're gonna go kidnap Castro and bring him to court like we did with

and bring him to court like we did with

and bring him to court like we did with Nicholas Maduro. Is that really the best

Nicholas Maduro. Is that really the best

Nicholas Maduro. Is that really the best use of America's military?

use of America's military?

use of America's military? >> Turns out, yes.

>> Turns out, yes.

>> Turns out, yes. We're not exactly spreading democracy or

We're not exactly spreading democracy or

We're not exactly spreading democracy or winning wars. The only war a defense

winning wars. The only war a defense

winning wars. The only war a defense secretary has won is the one against dry

secretary has won is the one against dry

secretary has won is the one against dry January. But

January. But

January. But but what the enormous combined forces of

but what the enormous combined forces of

but what the enormous combined forces of the American military can do is beat up

the American military can do is beat up

the American military can do is beat up an old man. I'm talking targeted,

an old man. I'm talking targeted,

an old man. I'm talking targeted, methodical elder abuse. So here our

methodical elder abuse. So here our

methodical elder abuse. So here our message. If your dictator is on a mostly

message. If your dictator is on a mostly

message. If your dictator is on a mostly soup diet and says things like, "In my

soup diet and says things like, "In my

soup diet and says things like, "In my day, computers used to TAKE UP A WHOLE

day, computers used to TAKE UP A WHOLE

day, computers used to TAKE UP A WHOLE ROOM,"

ROOM,"

ROOM," THEN AMERICAN justice is on the way, and

THEN AMERICAN justice is on the way, and

THEN AMERICAN justice is on the way, and they are not even going to see us

they are not even going to see us

they are not even going to see us coming. And not just because of their

coming. And not just because of their

coming. And not just because of their nickel-sized cataracts.

nickel-sized cataracts.

nickel-sized cataracts. >> Okay, but aren't we worried about the

>> Okay, but aren't we worried about the

>> Okay, but aren't we worried about the repercussions? I mean, these old leaders

repercussions? I mean, these old leaders

repercussions? I mean, these old leaders are going to be furious.

are going to be furious.

are going to be furious. >> I mean, what are they going to do?

>> I mean, what are they going to do?

>> I mean, what are they going to do? threatened not to send us a birthday

threatened not to send us a birthday

threatened not to send us a birthday card with a whole $5 in it

card with a whole $5 in it

card with a whole $5 in it AND THIS ECONOMY. THAT'S AN INSULT. NO.

AND THIS ECONOMY. THAT'S AN INSULT. NO.

AND THIS ECONOMY. THAT'S AN INSULT. NO. You all tyrants better get your affairs

You all tyrants better get your affairs

You all tyrants better get your affairs in order because America will be sending

in order because America will be sending

in order because America will be sending you to a slightly early grave.

you to a slightly early grave.

you to a slightly early grave. You hear that? Autocrats. No, really.

You hear that? Autocrats. No, really.

You hear that? Autocrats. No, really. Can you hear that?

Can you hear that?

Can you hear that? TURN THE VOLUME UP. I'M I'M TRYING TO

TURN THE VOLUME UP. I'M I'M TRYING TO

TURN THE VOLUME UP. I'M I'M TRYING TO THREATEN YOU.

THREATEN YOU.

THREATEN YOU. OKAY. DO we need to spend tens of

OKAY. DO we need to spend tens of

OKAY. DO we need to spend tens of billions of dollars to take out people

billions of dollars to take out people

billions of dollars to take out people who are going to be naturally replaced

who are going to be naturally replaced

who are going to be naturally replaced soon anyway?

soon anyway?

soon anyway? >> Uh, yes, Ronnie. We will show no mercy.

>> Uh, yes, Ronnie. We will show no mercy.

>> Uh, yes, Ronnie. We will show no mercy. Wherever you are, we're going to find

Wherever you are, we're going to find

Wherever you are, we're going to find you. Whether it's in a bingo hall, a

you. Whether it's in a bingo hall, a

you. Whether it's in a bingo hall, a model train convention, the penny slots

model train convention, the penny slots

model train convention, the penny slots in Atlantic City, and an aquarobics

in Atlantic City, and an aquarobics

in Atlantic City, and an aquarobics class, a shuffle board, a lemon party, a

class, a shuffle board, a lemon party, a

class, a shuffle board, a lemon party, a rascal scooter store, one of those seats

rascal scooter store, one of those seats

rascal scooter store, one of those seats that takes you up the stairs, any room

that takes you up the stairs, any room

that takes you up the stairs, any room that has a TV playing bonanza.

that has a TV playing bonanza.

that has a TV playing bonanza. >> Okay, okay, okay. We get we get it. We

>> Okay, okay, okay. We get we get it. We

>> Okay, okay, okay. We get we get it. We get it.

get it.

get it. >> That's just the beginning, Ronnie. Old

>> That's just the beginning, Ronnie. Old

>> That's just the beginning, Ronnie. Old autocrats everywhere will be living in

autocrats everywhere will be living in

autocrats everywhere will be living in fear that at any moment naval seals will

fear that at any moment naval seals will

fear that at any moment naval seals will repel down into their bedrooms. Gently

repel down into their bedrooms. Gently

repel down into their bedrooms. Gently wake them up. Hand them their glasses.

wake them up. Hand them their glasses.

wake them up. Hand them their glasses. Find their walker. Retrieve their

Find their walker. Retrieve their

Find their walker. Retrieve their slippers. Know their other good

slippers. Know their other good

slippers. Know their other good slippers. Then get their pill box. Tell

slippers. Then get their pill box. Tell

slippers. Then get their pill box. Tell them that grandkids are not really an

them that grandkids are not really an

them that grandkids are not really an option right now. I know you want them,

option right now. I know you want them,

option right now. I know you want them, but I'm just not IN A GOOD FINANCIAL

but I'm just not IN A GOOD FINANCIAL

but I'm just not IN A GOOD FINANCIAL PLACE RIGHT NOW. IT'S JUST A DIFFERENT

PLACE RIGHT NOW. IT'S JUST A DIFFERENT

PLACE RIGHT NOW. IT'S JUST A DIFFERENT WORLD FROM THE ONE YOU GREW UP IN.

WORLD FROM THE ONE YOU GREW UP IN.

WORLD FROM THE ONE YOU GREW UP IN. GODDAMN IT. THE POINT IS, nobody over

GODDAMN IT. THE POINT IS, nobody over

GODDAMN IT. THE POINT IS, nobody over the age of 70 is safe from us. And I

the age of 70 is safe from us. And I

the age of 70 is safe from us. And I mean nobody.

mean nobody.

mean nobody. Oh,

Oh,

Oh, >> NOBODY. NOBODY. OKAY. OKAY. WELL, UH,

>> NOBODY. NOBODY. OKAY. OKAY. WELL, UH,

>> NOBODY. NOBODY. OKAY. OKAY. WELL, UH, what about Vladimir Putin?

what about Vladimir Putin?

what about Vladimir Putin? >> No, he's safe.

>> No, he's safe.

>> No, he's safe. >> All right. All right. All right, Jordan

>> All right. All right. All right, Jordan

>> All right. All right. All right, Jordan clip everybody.