Original subtitles

First off, it's graduation season and

First off, it's graduation season and

First off, it's graduation season and I'd just like to take a moment to shout

I'd just like to take a moment to shout

I'd just like to take a moment to shout out all the graduates watching. Welcome

out all the graduates watching. Welcome

out all the graduates watching. Welcome to the real world.

to the real world.

to the real world. It sucks.

It sucks.

It sucks. But yesterday, Trump gave the

But yesterday, Trump gave the

But yesterday, Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard

commencement speech at the Coast Guard

commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy, and he had a different message

Academy, and he had a different message

Academy, and he had a different message for graduates. And that message was,

for graduates. And that message was,

for graduates. And that message was, "Daddy like it."

"Daddy like it."

"Daddy like it." >> We also have the only cadet who earned a

>> We also have the only cadet who earned a

>> We also have the only cadet who earned a perfect score on every single fitness

perfect score on every single fitness

perfect score on every single fitness test. Wow. This guy must be something. I

test. Wow. This guy must be something. I

test. Wow. This guy must be something. I think we'll have to invite him up. I

think we'll have to invite him up. I

think we'll have to invite him up. I want to check it out. Thomas, get up

want to check it out. Thomas, get up

want to check it out. Thomas, get up here, please. I want to see. I want to

here, please. I want to see. I want to

here, please. I want to see. I want to check him out. Wow.

check him out. Wow.

check him out. Wow. Look at this guy. Look at the muscles on

Look at this guy. Look at the muscles on

Look at this guy. Look at the muscles on this guy. Thank you very

shoulder. Hurt my hand. It's like

shoulder. Hurt my hand. It's like

shoulder. Hurt my hand. It's like hitting a rock.

hitting a rock.

hitting a rock. Well, we wanted Trump to stop harassing

Well, we wanted Trump to stop harassing

Well, we wanted Trump to stop harassing women. And uh

women. And uh

women. And uh I guess he found a loophole.

I guess he found a loophole.

I guess he found a loophole. I mean, seriously, is Trump a college

I mean, seriously, is Trump a college

I mean, seriously, is Trump a college sophomore? Because if you if you've been

sophomore? Because if you if you've been

sophomore? Because if you if you've been paying any attention recently, it looks

paying any attention recently, it looks

paying any attention recently, it looks like he's been discovering something

like he's been discovering something

like he's been discovering something about himself.

about himself.

about himself. >> You are a handsome devil.

>> You are a handsome devil.

>> You are a handsome devil. He's a good good-looking guy.

He's a good good-looking guy.

He's a good good-looking guy. >> Now, if you rip off the jacket, you'll

>> Now, if you rip off the jacket, you'll

>> Now, if you rip off the jacket, you'll see the muscles are serious. Boy, oh

see the muscles are serious. Boy, oh

see the muscles are serious. Boy, oh boy. These are good-looking guys. Look

boy. These are good-looking guys. Look

boy. These are good-looking guys. Look at the arms on him.

at the arms on him.

at the arms on him. >> I'll give you a hug. You look so good.

>> I'll give you a hug. You look so good.

>> I'll give you a hug. You look so good. You're too good-looking to be a fight.

You're too good-looking to be a fight.

You're too good-looking to be a fight. See, I consider all those guys back

See, I consider all those guys back

See, I consider all those guys back there with the big muscles, and it's not

there with the big muscles, and it's not

there with the big muscles, and it's not my thing, but I consider them really

my thing, but I consider them really

my thing, but I consider them really beautiful to me. He's so strong. He's

beautiful to me. He's so strong. He's

beautiful to me. He's so strong. He's those muscles.

>> Okay. Um, I'm just going to say it. Uh,

>> Okay. Um, I'm just going to say it. Uh,

>> Okay. Um, I'm just going to say it. Uh, the president needs to a dude. All

the president needs to a dude. All

the president needs to a dude. All right. Like, just go for it, Mr.

right. Like, just go for it, Mr.

right. Like, just go for it, Mr. President. I'm I'm not even saying

President. I'm I'm not even saying

President. I'm I'm not even saying you're gay. It just seems like something

you're gay. It just seems like something

you're gay. It just seems like something you need to get out of your system, you

you need to get out of your system, you

you need to get out of your system, you know, like like as a novelty thing. and

know, like like as a novelty thing. and

know, like like as a novelty thing. and and and don't worry about what your

and and don't worry about what your

and and don't worry about what your supporters will think. You you'll be

supporters will think. You you'll be

supporters will think. You you'll be fine. Your your base will love it and

fine. Your your base will love it and

fine. Your your base will love it and your shaft. But Trump isn't just doing

your shaft. But Trump isn't just doing

your shaft. But Trump isn't just doing commencements. He's got a very busy

commencements. He's got a very busy

commencements. He's got a very busy weekend ahead of him. Maybe too busy.

weekend ahead of him. Maybe too busy.

weekend ahead of him. Maybe too busy. >> Are you attending your son's wedding

>> Are you attending your son's wedding

>> Are you attending your son's wedding this weekend, by the way?

this weekend, by the way?

this weekend, by the way? >> Uh he'd like me to go. I'm going to try

>> Uh he'd like me to go. I'm going to try

>> Uh he'd like me to go. I'm going to try and make it. I'm I'm in the midst. I

and make it. I'm I'm in the midst. I

and make it. I'm I'm in the midst. I said, you know, this is not good timing

said, you know, this is not good timing

said, you know, this is not good timing for me. I have a thing called Iran and

for me. I have a thing called Iran and

for me. I have a thing called Iran and other things.

other things.

other things. Oh,

Oh,

Oh, and now I get why he started the war of

and now I get why he started the war of

and now I get why he started the war of Iran to get out John Jr.'s wedding.

Iran to get out John Jr.'s wedding.

Iran to get out John Jr.'s wedding. You should have just told us that. We'd

You should have just told us that. We'd

You should have just told us that. We'd understand. Even the Ayatollah is like,

understand. Even the Ayatollah is like,

understand. Even the Ayatollah is like, I get it.

I get it.

I get it. But to be fair, I also wouldn't want to

But to be fair, I also wouldn't want to

But to be fair, I also wouldn't want to go to Don Junior's wedding if I was too

go to Don Junior's wedding if I was too

go to Don Junior's wedding if I was too old to want to do co cocaine, right? And

old to want to do co cocaine, right? And

old to want to do co cocaine, right? And besides, this is Don Junior's third

besides, this is Don Junior's third

besides, this is Don Junior's third fiance. Trump's probably like, if I miss

fiance. Trump's probably like, if I miss

fiance. Trump's probably like, if I miss this wedding, I'll just catch the next

this wedding, I'll just catch the next

this wedding, I'll just catch the next one. So fake news media, stop trying to

one. So fake news media, stop trying to

one. So fake news media, stop trying to get him with these gotcha questions

get him with these gotcha questions

get him with these gotcha questions like, are you going to attend your son's

like, are you going to attend your son's

like, are you going to attend your son's wedding? The man's got important news

wedding? The man's got important news

wedding? The man's got important news about what's going on in Iran, and I

about what's going on in Iran, and I

about what's going on in Iran, and I want to pay attention.

want to pay attention.

want to pay attention. >> We have total control of the Strait of

>> We have total control of the Strait of

>> We have total control of the Strait of Armus, as you know, with our blockade.

Armus, as you know, with our blockade.

Armus, as you know, with our blockade. The blockade's been 100% effective.

The blockade's been 100% effective.

The blockade's been 100% effective. Nobody's been able to get

Nobody's been able to get

Nobody's been able to get >> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I I cannot pay

>> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I I cannot pay

>> I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I I cannot pay attention. I I I don't want to tell the

attention. I I I don't want to tell the

attention. I I I don't want to tell the White House how to do that job, but is

White House how to do that job, but is

White House how to do that job, but is it possible that when the president

it possible that when the president

it possible that when the president is speaking in the Oval Office, we don't

is speaking in the Oval Office, we don't

is speaking in the Oval Office, we don't have a giant protruding belly button

have a giant protruding belly button

have a giant protruding belly button 5 in from his face?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but

I can't believe I'm saying this, but

I can't believe I'm saying this, but this is beneath the dignity of the

this is beneath the dignity of the

this is beneath the dignity of the office and

office and

office and and it's a low bar. Like, can you at

and it's a low bar. Like, can you at

and it's a low bar. Like, can you at least blur it or something? Like, I know

least blur it or something? Like, I know

least blur it or something? Like, I know it's technically not indecent, but it's

it's technically not indecent, but it's

it's technically not indecent, but it's making me very uncomfortable.

making me very uncomfortable.

making me very uncomfortable. I mean, a tie would solve this or or

I mean, a tie would solve this or or

I mean, a tie would solve this or or maybe a sweater or like 19 sweaters.

maybe a sweater or like 19 sweaters.

maybe a sweater or like 19 sweaters. Wait, wait, hang on a second. Let me let

Wait, wait, hang on a second. Let me let

Wait, wait, hang on a second. Let me let me try something here. Wait.

me try something here. Wait.

me try something here. Wait. Oh it's coming right at me. All

Oh it's coming right at me. All

Oh it's coming right at me. All right.

right.

right. Okay. Uh, but let's move on to something

Okay. Uh, but let's move on to something

Okay. Uh, but let's move on to something even more gross and harder to ignore.

even more gross and harder to ignore.

even more gross and harder to ignore. The Trump administration's corruption.

The Trump administration's corruption.

The Trump administration's corruption. This week, we learned about the new $1.8

This week, we learned about the new $1.8

This week, we learned about the new $1.8 billion slush fund for Trump allies who

billion slush fund for Trump allies who

billion slush fund for Trump allies who have supposedly been targeted by the

have supposedly been targeted by the

have supposedly been targeted by the government. And now we're finding out

government. And now we're finding out

government. And now we're finding out who's lining up at that MAGA slot

who's lining up at that MAGA slot

who's lining up at that MAGA slot machine. Proud Boys leader Enrique Tario

machine. Proud Boys leader Enrique Tario

machine. Proud Boys leader Enrique Tario said he plans on applying for a payout.

said he plans on applying for a payout.

said he plans on applying for a payout. My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell says he also

My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell says he also

My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell says he also is planning to file a claim.

is planning to file a claim.

is planning to file a claim. >> Former Congressman George Santos and ex-

>> Former Congressman George Santos and ex-

>> Former Congressman George Santos and ex- Illinois Governor Rod Boyovich.

Illinois Governor Rod Boyovich.

Illinois Governor Rod Boyovich. >> Maybe Peter Navaro, maybe Steve Bannon.

>> Maybe Peter Navaro, maybe Steve Bannon.

>> Maybe Peter Navaro, maybe Steve Bannon. >> Adam Johnson, known better as the

>> Adam Johnson, known better as the

>> Adam Johnson, known better as the lectern guy says he will submit his

lectern guy says he will submit his

lectern guy says he will submit his claim as soon as this week.

claim as soon as this week.

claim as soon as this week. >> Wow, that list is a real who's who of Oh

>> Wow, that list is a real who's who of Oh

>> Wow, that list is a real who's who of Oh yeah, that weirdo.

yeah, that weirdo.

yeah, that weirdo. All our favorite characters are back.

All our favorite characters are back.

All our favorite characters are back. It's like the final episode of Seinfeld,

It's like the final episode of Seinfeld,

It's like the final episode of Seinfeld, except this time the soup Nazi is just

except this time the soup Nazi is just

except this time the soup Nazi is just an actual Nazi. But the money is not

an actual Nazi. But the money is not

an actual Nazi. But the money is not going to just bigname losers. Some of it

going to just bigname losers. Some of it

going to just bigname losers. Some of it is going to losers you've never even

is going to losers you've never even

is going to losers you've never even heard of.

heard of.

heard of. >> Brandon Fellows was sentenced on felony

>> Brandon Fellows was sentenced on felony

>> Brandon Fellows was sentenced on felony and misdemeanor charges for entering the

and misdemeanor charges for entering the

and misdemeanor charges for entering the capital on January 6. Seen here in a red

capital on January 6. Seen here in a red

capital on January 6. Seen here in a red beard costume.

beard costume.

beard costume. >> So the number I've put in is $30

>> So the number I've put in is $30

>> So the number I've put in is $30 million.

million.

million. Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah, >> $30 million for wearing a mop on your

>> $30 million for wearing a mop on your

>> $30 million for wearing a mop on your face to Gen 6.

face to Gen 6.

face to Gen 6. How did you arrive at that very

How did you arrive at that very

How did you arrive at that very reasonable number?

reasonable number?

reasonable number? >> According to Chat GBT and Grock, I'm in

>> According to Chat GBT and Grock, I'm in

>> According to Chat GBT and Grock, I'm in at least the 3 to 5% uh upper tier for

at least the 3 to 5% uh upper tier for

at least the 3 to 5% uh upper tier for how terrible and also how strong of a

how terrible and also how strong of a

how terrible and also how strong of a case I have.

case I have.

case I have. >> Oh, okay. Grock told you that. I see.

>> Oh, okay. Grock told you that. I see.

>> Oh, okay. Grock told you that. I see. It's the AI that's banned from coming

It's the AI that's banned from coming

It's the AI that's banned from coming within 500 ft of a school and is giving

within 500 ft of a school and is giving

within 500 ft of a school and is giving you legal advice. All right. Well, open

you legal advice. All right. Well, open

you legal advice. All right. Well, open and shut case for me. Anybody else uh

and shut case for me. Anybody else uh

and shut case for me. Anybody else uh have a claim from January 6th?

have a claim from January 6th?

have a claim from January 6th? >> Rachel Powell, a mom of eight and a

>> Rachel Powell, a mom of eight and a

>> Rachel Powell, a mom of eight and a grandmother to ace, spent three years

grandmother to ace, spent three years

grandmother to ace, spent three years under house arrest.

under house arrest.

under house arrest. >> Okay, three years of house arrest with

>> Okay, three years of house arrest with

>> Okay, three years of house arrest with eight kids and eight grandkids. I don't

eight kids and eight grandkids. I don't

eight kids and eight grandkids. I don't care what you did. That is cruel and

care what you did. That is cruel and

care what you did. That is cruel and unusual punishment.

unusual punishment.

unusual punishment. I mean, look at her. Look at this sweet

I mean, look at her. Look at this sweet

I mean, look at her. Look at this sweet lady. Look at She's like rolling some

lady. Look at She's like rolling some

lady. Look at She's like rolling some dough. What was her crime? Did she bring

dough. What was her crime? Did she bring

dough. What was her crime? Did she bring unauthorized muffins into the capital? I

unauthorized muffins into the capital? I

unauthorized muffins into the capital? I I want to hear her side.

I want to hear her side.

I want to hear her side. >> A lot of people don't agree with what

>> A lot of people don't agree with what

>> A lot of people don't agree with what happened on January 6th.

happened on January 6th.

happened on January 6th. But when you step back and you you look

But when you step back and you you look

But when you step back and you you look at somebody like me, for example,

at somebody like me, for example,

at somebody like me, for example, my major felony had to be struck down by

my major felony had to be struck down by

my major felony had to be struck down by the Supreme Court. It's my crime that

the Supreme Court. It's my crime that

the Supreme Court. It's my crime that day of breaking a window. Technically,

day of breaking a window. Technically,

day of breaking a window. Technically, that's a misdemeanor charge.

>> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes. When I see this woman trying to break

When I see this woman trying to break

When I see this woman trying to break into the capital with a battering ram

into the capital with a battering ram

into the capital with a battering ram like a orc in the Lord of the Rings,

like a orc in the Lord of the Rings,

like a orc in the Lord of the Rings, I think that's someone who deserves a

I think that's someone who deserves a

I think that's someone who deserves a payout. She was just in the wrong place

payout. She was just in the wrong place

payout. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong

at the wrong time with the wrong

at the wrong time with the wrong battering ram breaking the wrong window.

battering ram breaking the wrong window.

battering ram breaking the wrong window. It could happen to any of us. And I like

It could happen to any of us. And I like

It could happen to any of us. And I like how she's trying to pretend the window

how she's trying to pretend the window

how she's trying to pretend the window she broke was just some random window.

she broke was just some random window.

she broke was just some random window. Like you're removing some pretty

Like you're removing some pretty

Like you're removing some pretty important contexts, ma'am. It's like

important contexts, ma'am. It's like

important contexts, ma'am. It's like John Wils Booth saying, "Oh, so what?

John Wils Booth saying, "Oh, so what?

John Wils Booth saying, "Oh, so what? I'm getting a firing squad just because

I'm getting a firing squad just because

I'm getting a firing squad just because I interrupted a play.

I interrupted a play.

I interrupted a play. America's cooked, man. Is there any

America's cooked, man. Is there any

America's cooked, man. Is there any voice of reason who will call out how

voice of reason who will call out how

voice of reason who will call out how wrong this is? Like any normal, not

wrong this is? Like any normal, not

wrong this is? Like any normal, not crazy person.

crazy person.

crazy person. >> One person though who says he won't file

>> One person though who says he won't file

>> One person though who says he won't file a claim is Jacob Chansley, the so-called

a claim is Jacob Chansley, the so-called

a claim is Jacob Chansley, the so-called QAnon shaman. He called the fund quote

QAnon shaman. He called the fund quote

QAnon shaman. He called the fund quote blood money.

blood money.

blood money. >> Okay, I guess even a broken brain is

>> Okay, I guess even a broken brain is

>> Okay, I guess even a broken brain is right twice a day. I mean, seriously,

right twice a day. I mean, seriously,

right twice a day. I mean, seriously, imagine if on Gen 6 I asked you to guess

imagine if on Gen 6 I asked you to guess

imagine if on Gen 6 I asked you to guess who will be the voice of reason on this.

who will be the voice of reason on this.

who will be the voice of reason on this. Would you have said uh the guy dressed

Would you have said uh the guy dressed

Would you have said uh the guy dressed like a stripper who's also a buffalo?

like a stripper who's also a buffalo?

like a stripper who's also a buffalo? But I guess this is a lesson to the rest

But I guess this is a lesson to the rest

But I guess this is a lesson to the rest of us that we shouldn't judge a book by

of us that we shouldn't judge a book by

of us that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Maybe the QAnon shaman isn't

its cover. Maybe the QAnon shaman isn't

its cover. Maybe the QAnon shaman isn't as delusional as we thought.

as delusional as we thought.

as delusional as we thought. >> Jacob Chansley, aka the QAnon shaman,

>> Jacob Chansley, aka the QAnon shaman,

>> Jacob Chansley, aka the QAnon shaman, told CNN that he isn't going to

told CNN that he isn't going to

told CNN that he isn't going to participate in the fund because he's

participate in the fund because he's

participate in the fund because he's still suing the government for $40

still suing the government for $40

still suing the government for $40 trillion.

No,

No,

No, that's the last time I trust a shirtless

that's the last time I trust a shirtless

that's the last time I trust a shirtless man in a raccoon hat.

man in a raccoon hat.

man in a raccoon hat. But if you're that angry that your

But if you're that angry that your

But if you're that angry that your taxpayer money is going to go to people

taxpayer money is going to go to people

taxpayer money is going to go to people who did Gen 6, let me reassure you, a

who did Gen 6, let me reassure you, a

who did Gen 6, let me reassure you, a ton more people are going to get your

ton more people are going to get your

ton more people are going to get your money, too.

money, too.

money, too. >> In a memo released today, the DOJ said

>> In a memo released today, the DOJ said

>> In a memo released today, the DOJ said $1.8 billion was an appropriate amount

$1.8 billion was an appropriate amount

$1.8 billion was an appropriate amount for the fund. quote, "Given that

for the fund. quote, "Given that

for the fund. quote, "Given that literally tens of millions of Americans

literally tens of millions of Americans

literally tens of millions of Americans could be eligible for payments."

could be eligible for payments."

could be eligible for payments." >> Okay, hang on a second. So, tens of

>> Okay, hang on a second. So, tens of

>> Okay, hang on a second. So, tens of millions of people means at least 20

millions of people means at least 20

millions of people means at least 20 million people, right? Because it's tens

million people, right? Because it's tens

million people, right? Because it's tens of millions. It's not 10 million. So, at

of millions. It's not 10 million. So, at

of millions. It's not 10 million. So, at minimum, it's 20 million people. So,

minimum, it's 20 million people. So,

minimum, it's 20 million people. So, divide $1.8 billion by 20 million and

divide $1.8 billion by 20 million and

divide $1.8 billion by 20 million and that's like

that's like

that's like 90 bucks a person.

90 bucks a person.

90 bucks a person. That's not going to help these people.

That's not going to help these people.

That's not going to help these people. That's barely two bags of crystal meth.

I'm telling you, when these people find

I'm telling you, when these people find

I'm telling you, when these people find out how little they're getting, they're

out how little they're getting, they're

out how little they're getting, they're going to be so pissed at the government.

going to be so pissed at the government.

going to be so pissed at the government. And you know what happens when they get

And you know what happens when they get

And you know what happens when they get pissed at the government?

pissed at the government?

pissed at the government? The cycle continues.

It's a

It's a

It's a guess it's an infinite money glitch, but

guess it's an infinite money glitch, but

guess it's an infinite money glitch, but as it stands now, the people who did Gen

as it stands now, the people who did Gen

as it stands now, the people who did Gen 6 could make a life-changing amount of

6 could make a life-changing amount of

6 could make a life-changing amount of money. And already there are companies

money. And already there are companies

money. And already there are companies out there looking to help them manage

out there looking to help them manage

out there looking to help them manage their assets. Wealth management can be

their assets. Wealth management can be

their assets. Wealth management can be as complicated as breaking the lock on

as complicated as breaking the lock on

as complicated as breaking the lock on Nancy Pelos's office door. But here at

Nancy Pelos's office door. But here at

Nancy Pelos's office door. But here at J6 Financial, we understand the

J6 Financial, we understand the

J6 Financial, we understand the challenges that newly rich capital riers

challenges that newly rich capital riers

challenges that newly rich capital riers face from taxes and alimony to Mara Lago

face from taxes and alimony to Mara Lago

face from taxes and alimony to Mara Lago membership dues and kid rock tickets.

membership dues and kid rock tickets.

membership dues and kid rock tickets. We'll make sure your money lasts well

We'll make sure your money lasts well

We'll make sure your money lasts well into the fifth Trump term. And we're

into the fifth Trump term. And we're

into the fifth Trump term. And we're here to answer any of your questions.

here to answer any of your questions.

here to answer any of your questions. Can my slush fund pay for the child

Can my slush fund pay for the child

Can my slush fund pay for the child molestation charges I'm facing? We get

molestation charges I'm facing? We get

molestation charges I'm facing? We get that question a lot, like a lot. A lot.

that question a lot, like a lot. A lot.

that question a lot, like a lot. A lot. And the answer is yes. What about my

And the answer is yes. What about my

And the answer is yes. What about my retirement? We can help Jen Sixers build

retirement? We can help Jen Sixers build

retirement? We can help Jen Sixers build toward all their retirement goals.

toward all their retirement goals.

toward all their retirement goals. Whether that's dying in a shootout with

Whether that's dying in a shootout with

Whether that's dying in a shootout with the cops, being blackmailed by an Only

the cops, being blackmailed by an Only

the cops, being blackmailed by an Only Fans model, or overdosing on a

Fans model, or overdosing on a

Fans model, or overdosing on a supplement you heard about on a podcast.

So, call us today and no matter how much

So, call us today and no matter how much

So, call us today and no matter how much you've saved or what frightening number

you've saved or what frightening number

you've saved or what frightening number of guns you have hoarded in your home,

of guns you have hoarded in your home,

of guns you have hoarded in your home, we'll manage your money.

we'll manage your money.

we'll manage your money. >> Wait, money management? How do I know

>> Wait, money management? How do I know

>> Wait, money management? How do I know you're not just a bunch of Jews?

you're not just a bunch of Jews?

you're not just a bunch of Jews? >> J6 Financial. The only capital we'll

>> J6 Financial. The only capital we'll

>> J6 Financial. The only capital we'll keep safe is yours.