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CRAVE ORIGINAL SERIES

Marie?

You're gonna think I'm weird but...

I had a dream about Tommy-Jay.

I dreamed that he was like...

this smooth-talking, manipulative guy who'll end up hurting you.

Guess I didn't sleep very much. -Are you trying to say something?

Listen man, I didn't mean what I said.

Dreaming of it means you must be thinking it.

No, it doesn't.

- I'm not the thinking type. - True. He's thoughtless.

- I'm not thoughtless. - Well...

I think that pretty much covers it. That said, I'm fine with you not liking me.

You can't force people to be open-minded.

I just don't want you to hurt ML. -Still here.

It's OK if you don't like me either. -What?

No! I think you're great!

She always speaks highly of you. -Not always,

but most of the time.

Sorry, man, I mean it.

There.

All good.

- That was beautiful. - Don't worry,

I'll be a gentleman to your friend.

Gentleman, uh?

Oh yes.

- Whatcha doin'? - Hm... I'm mending my shirt.

Mending your shirt or pretending you're a big shot with his own brand of clothing?

Steph by Steph, Steph.

Before you start embroidering polo shirts, lemme make a name for myself in France.

Instead of stalking your ex,

why don't you rehearse your act?

Listen, Martin was such a calming presence that he calmed me down.

Like a weighted blanket. Very comforting.

That's exactly what I need right now. -Forget Martin. It's over.

Focus on tonight and on tomorrow's interview with Nachos,

the French-speaking world's most popular YouTuber.

I had to pull strings to get you invited on his podcast!

Dress like success

and you'll attract success.

Too bad your shoes didn't get the memo. Might as well be white.

White? C'mon.

Had I known we'd be taking horses, I'd have worn my chaps!

F you.

FARMERS' MARKET THUR-SUN

Have you heard from Eve? -Yeah, they made it to their hotel.

I hope we find a Tamagotchi!

Take out your weed trimmers and give me Nick Carter's haircut.

I know you're joking but you'd rock it.

Hey lady! Give me back my chamber pot. It's an antique!

- Chamber pot? - A pisspot.

Ew! Sorry!

You and your girlfriend better move along!

Jesus!

- We've been mistaken for a couple again. - Of course. Look at us.

We'd make anyone jealous. Hm...

Oh, wine!

- Could we try it? - Sure.

I know my stuff.

A real pro.

Yumm! Try it.

Delicious!

Right?

- Yumm! It doesn't taste... - Like it's from Québec.

- Exactly! - I assure you, it's very local.

That's just it. Québec wines want to taste like they're from abroad. Great job!

I've only a few bottles with me but I can get you cases if you'd like.

Nah, I'm broke.

What the fucking hell?

What is it?

It's Gladys's wine, our wine!

- This is our wine! - Really?

No.

This wine is from my vineyard.

Where did you get this?

- C'mon, speak! - This is none of your business.

So, this is how you wanna play this?

I'll have you know I've got the tenacity of a salmon swimming upstream.

She can find your name, address, phone number, and porn searches just like that!

And your face is screaming, "foot fetish fisting".

OK, OK! I bought it from Magiska.

She's a local who makes natural deodorants using table scraps and spices.

So...

Are you gonna give me her address or do I need to break this?

Hey!

Why the long face? They laughed!

Laughed?

Only politely. I don't think they understood me.

They missed my punchlines, applauded my setups,

everything was off.

AgnÃ.s Deloncours, show promoter.

- Steph by Steph. - Eve, darling!

You were amazing!

- Thank you. - Had we understood you,

I'm sure we'd have found you funny.

Eve is raw talent.

Yes. Very raw.

- Like a steak. - Or an open wound.

You're so colourful!

Now I see the potential.

I love the musicality of your voice.

But we need to hear the words to get the jokes.

If your Quebecker ever learns to enunciate...

call me.

Goodbye.

Thanks.

She absolutely loved you!

Loved you!

Gee. Tough love, much?

Listen, cancel tomorrow's interview.

What? -I'm not ready. I can't afford to bomb.

C'mon, you can enunciate.

Just say the alphabet with a pen under your tongue

and I'll take care of the rest. -Like that's gonna change anything...

That Magiska doesn't know what's coming! -Hold on. She could be huge.

I ain't scared. But she's not gonna throw that wind chime in my face!

Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get you on his show?

Who fares? They fan't underftand me.

Gimme that pen. Yuck.

- Whatcha doin'? - Calling Martin.

- Don't! - No one else can calm me down!

You really want regret on top of stress? -When ML and I weren't speaking,

who do you think helped me stay focused?

Martin.

Now you listen. When I met you,

you were a baby comic with so-so jokes and bad punchlines.

Nice pep talk.

What I mean is, you were taking a lot of shots but you were funny.

I knew right away I'd stricken gold. AgnÃ.s saw it too. That's why I have her card.

You can make it.

You just need to enunciate.

The only way to learn the accent is to go out there and emerge yourself in French.

- You mean 'immerse' yourself. - That too.

Nothing beats sharing tongues with a French person!

And you clearly need a rebound from Martin.

Then I'll do just that. I'm gonna rebound so high!

- So you can give pep talks! - See, I can still surprise you.

No one's gonna sell my wine! -What are you gonna tell Magiska?

Karen?

Magiska is my craft name. I mamake organic deodorants.

So stealing wine is your side hustle? -I inherited that wine.

If I'd really robbed you, would I have stayed on the island?

She's got a point.

See? I'm no thief.

What about my cleaning man Paco? Guess you didn't take him either!

Paco's just a bad employee who screwed you over.

Magiska's not wrong. He wasn't great.

Yeah, Paco sucked.

I wanna tell you something. -What? That your branded shirt stinks?

Stop kidding around. I'm being serious. -Sure, shoot.

You know, some people take advantage of being abroad

to smoke. -Jesus, Steph! Just have a cigarette.

- I won't tell your mom. - That's not it.

It's just that, in my case,

it's not smoking.

Don't freak out but...

I have sex.

With men.

Oh la la.

A little holiday treat.

Are you trying to tell me

that crossing a border makes you wanna tease a prostate?

That's not quite how I'd explain it to my mom but sure.

You should do it too.

Tease a prostate? -No, open yourself up to hooking up.

It'll help you forget Martin and...

learn the French ways.

Watch me become a Frenchie right before your eyes!

I saw a few nice chaps I'd like to exercise my tongue with.

- I saw him too. - Do we also like the same men?

This is gonna be a fun night!

Why didn't you sell it back to us?

'Cause you're broke?

We spent $2.5M on that vineyard. It's not like a toy with no batteries included!

A vineyard comes with wine!

That's why you have vines. To make as much wine as you want.

I'm keeping my bottles.

- They're mine! - No way.

Why not?!

Your boyfriend said you were broke. -See? It happened again.

He's not my boyfriend and I've got money.

OK, I don't. Just give me back my wine so I can sell it and make money.

No way. -As a woman, you can't do this to me!

I'd expect this

from a man 'cause they're assholes-- -Not all...

Except for you and the Pharmachien. -He's cool.

But not from a woman who's intelligent, strong,

business savvy,

with a smile

and eyes that could give a tree a woody.

- As fellow Swifties. - I'm not a Swiftie.

As fucking sisters, then!

- Look, I dunno... - Listen,

you seem a bit sweaty.

- Have this, on the house. - That's our cue to go.

Not even Shake It Off?

People who pick up smoking abroad may find it hard to quit back home.

Will you be able to resist buying a pack?

The minute I grab my luggage off the carousel,

I go back to being a mamma's boy. -I find you owning up to it kinda sexy.

If you weren't determined to ass-fuck, I'd do you.

I think this trip will be beneficial to us both.

In getting you over Martin and me to accept my... smoking.

- To cigarettes! - To cigarettes.

And it's delicious!

What a bitch! I'm sure she keeps our bottles in her basement. We should go--

Calm down and drink.

How about pasta tonight?

What ki-- Ew!

Are you wearing her natural deodorant? -This?

- Ew! - I smell great. Take a whiff!

What the hell? Your armpits are full of clumps.

Hello?

Martin? What brings you here?

I came to see Eve.

She's not here.

She's in France.

What? What is she doing over there?

She's performing.

Well, I just came by to...

bring her some stuff she left behind.

I understand. Thank you.

I'm no thief.

I don't think she really missed those tampons and this lime drink.

Maybe...

Here, I just got my period. There you go.

This isn't really my strong suit,

so, I might be a bit blunt but...

it's over with Eve.

She's not getting back together with you. So you really should move on--

- OK... - Ew! I can still...

She left on a whim and...

- Huh? - Sorry?

We had...

a strong bond.

Ah. Yeah, sure.

I'll come back some other time. -She met someone!

Yeah.

Yeah. She's got a new boyfriend. -He's French.

Yeah. And so, she went to France to visit her in-laws

- and... how did she put it? - He's...

He's the one.

It's gonna be harder than I thought.

Yep. -But it's OK, I haven't said my last word.

Bye, Stéphanie Couillard.

See you real soon.

So, pasta?

Ew! You're disgusting!

I know you're kidding around but you really stink! Ew!

We need to talk.

We usually freeze for introductions,

but this is just to say, What the fuck?

"THE VILLAIN TRIO"

- Why are they together? - Excellent question!

Why is my NadÃ.ge with the stutterer?-Dunno!

Come in.

Come in! No need to knock. My home's your home.

- How about a brew? - You're starting to know me.

It's a new recipe, an Italian-inspired ale called Brew-schetta.

Aw! So stupid. Great pun.

Smells like tomato!

And basil.

You know, Marie,

you can fart.

Do I look like I'm holding one in?

I feel like you're not 100% comfortable with me.

And I don't like it.

Are Ravi's reservations getting to you?

He did see me get hurt a lot by assholes who didn't really want to commit.

He's just trying to protect me.

Listen, tonight,

let me cook you a delicious dinner. -Yumm.

And then I'll make you cum all night.

Oh. That sounds wonderful.

- Does it? - Yeah.

I just want you to be happy.

Does that mean we're...? -Gonna have a great fucking night.

Sure.

I thought we agreed to split Mom's inheritance equally.

And I did. That's why you got the cutlery and her plants.

I drew you a holographic will so you could claim the wine.

Motherfucker!

And where's his stutter?

Wasch out, my fifter's a manifulator!

A manipulator? Look who's talking!

Do you know how much that's worth? -I do.

Much less than half the 2.5M you got from selling the vineyard.

- How do you know that? - ML tracked me down and told me.

OK... what do you want?

Half of what you got.

- I can't. - No, he can't.

NadÃ.ge, no one asked for you opinion.

I'll give the girls what they want so they leave us alone,

but I want my share of the money

or I blow the whole thing.

Not so loud. Got a throbbing headache.

What brings you here?

Same as you.

So, was it fun?

Yes. But...

How can I put this? It was like water skiing.

- Hm? - It looks fun from afar,

but once on the water, it's like, why am I here?

Oh. We gotta get to your interview. -I need a shower first

to perk me up.

I don't wanna fuck this up. Sorry, 'mess' this up.

You should be proud of me, I used my tongue a lot.

OK. I'll get us packed up. We're flying home right after the interview.

Yep, that is you.

That mug won't be easy to fix.

What's this? -Dunno. They were here when I woke up.

Hold on.

"Thank you for reminding me of what matters. Girl power. K."

What is it?

It's our wine!

I can't believe I managed to talk Karen into giving it back.

I thought for sure that Eve got along with women better than I did but I was wrong!

Hey! Women like me!

C'mere you! Congrats!

And men love me too!

And I love women!

Excuse me.

Sure, go ahead.

Eve is gonna freak!

- What are we celebrating? - Getting our wine back!

I got Karen to bring it back by giving her an Oscar-worthy speech.

I want details! -Eve, your interview's been posted.

- Oh! - Let's give it a listen!

- I don't think we should. - C'mon!

- OK, let's do it. - Sit down.

- Nah, I think I'll stand. - Come on, sit.

And, play.

Nachossimo everyone! Welcome to this episode.

We have a Québec comic with us today, Eve CÃ'té.

Hello. -Hi, Eve. Let's start at the beginning.

Tell us everything. How did you get started in comedy?

Well, Montreal has the only French-language comedy school

in the world, so I auditioned

and met this funny gal

and we started an act together called Les grandes crues.

Now I've gone solo. -You don't really speak this way?

I'm trying to be understood.

- So I changed my accent. - Thanks for trying

because I saw your act earlier this week, and I couldn't understand any of it.

I do come from Gaspésie, in Québec, hence the cultural gap.

Gap? Don't you mean Grand Canyon if you catch my drift?

That's what makes our charm.

I wouldn't go that far. No!

What the fuck? I didn't bring my hungover ass over here

just to be insulted and told to eat shit. So, eat shit, Nachos.

Think I heard enough.

Let's get the fuck out of here. -Same.

You sure told him!

I did, thus ruining my dream of a future career in France.

I'll tell you what, I'm a proud mama. -I'd have done the same.

Did Martin come by?

Huh? -Stéphanie's facing the wrong way.

Martin never got the concept of the time-out doll.

- Hm... - Yeah.

- Yes... Ah! Yes. - He did come by...

- While you were gone. - What did he want?

To see you and give you back the two tampons you had left behind--

- Don't call him, Eve! - Why not?

I told him you had a boyfriend in France. -Actually, I did. I did say that.

Why?

Because he has to move on!

Maybe I miss him and want us to get back together.

Remember the party we had two weeks ago,

when you boiled his undies?

Underwear chowder, anyone?

I know but...

People who leave skid marks don't deserve a second chance.

- Surprisingly, I agree. - Eve!

Speaking of skid marks, I've got a story for you!

- Eve! - What?

You gotta hear the end!

What a breath of fresh air!

So fiery!

A real volcano! A ticking time bomb!

Follow her, subscribe, and watch her rise to fame!

Really?

Oh my God! I have 3,000 new followers!

My phone's blowing up!

AgnÃ.s texted me.

She wants us to discuss your future in France.

Really!? You're not kidding me?

I'm turbo serious.

- That's great news! - Wow!

What kind of deodorant is that? Is it a paste?

- I'm so happy! - Yeah!

I know someone who must be thrilled to go back to France.

from MARTIN: Congrats on your interview. You're the best. I always knew you'd make it.

- This is ML. - So nice to meet you.

I'm not jealous of Edith!

Eve and I, it's all in the past. -The recent past.

I was hinting at how much I'd missed you.