Original subtitles

(fireworks pop)

(sped up, garbled speech)

- I'm convinced that men are monsters.

(sped up, garbled speech)

Really, truly.

(brassy orchestral music)

(percussive, funky music)

(object grinding)

- ls that you, Stanley?

- Yeah, Ma.

- Where were you?

So long it took you to buy the newspaper?

What is it?

- Zowee, it came! (laughs)

My diploma!

I'm a full-fledged marriage counselor now. (laughs)

- Don't get so excited, Stanley.

- How about that, Ma?

- My son, a marriage counselor.

(percussive, playful music)

(light music)

(percussive, funky music)

(bluesy rock music)

(bluesy psychedelic music)

(raspy, funky music)

(bright, brassy music)

(woman moaning) (sinuous music)

(raspy, funky music)

(woman moaning) (raspy, funky music)

(doorbell rings)

(Person panting)

(machine humming)

- Stanley!

(machine humming)

(low, funky music)

Stop.

Stanley, stop.

Stanley!

Stop.

Stanley, stop it.

(low, funky music)

Stanley.

Oh, you klutz.

(low, funky music) (machine humming)

- Turn that damn vacuum cleaner off, will ya, Katie?

(vacuum cleaner hums)

Oh, come on, Katie, you gotta give me some.

Oh, why don't you give me anything?

- You're a schmuck!

- Yeah, I'm a schmuck?

- Yeah, you're a schmuck.

- Maybe I'm a schmuck, but I got feelings

like any other schmuck.

Oh, God, Katie, you don't know what it's like

to look at you all day long and then not be able to get any.

Do you know what it's like to sit

there all day long, reading Playboy with one hand, huh?

- You're a schmuck.

I still say you're a schmuck. - Yeah, a schmuck.

- Stanley! - Schmuck, it's getting so

that that Playboy, let me tell you something,

I'm finding it hard to believe girls

don't have staples in their navels.

That's how bad it is, Katie.

- Stanley, when are we getting married?

Stanley Bebble, you're not the only pebble on the beach.

- You know I can't marry you.

I gotta take care of my mother.

- Get out!

- Get out?

You don't mean that, Katie.

- I said get out.

Gut!

- Look- - Get out!

(object rings)

(doorbell rings)

- Oh, really?

I've been up since seven am.

It's 11 o'clock.

(sped up, garbled speech)

I've been cooking, I've been washing clothes.

I am so tired of all this.

(sped up, garbled speech)

(doorbell rings)

I'm sick and tired of all this.

(doorbell rings)

- I'm collecting for-

- I gave already.

(light music)

(percussive music)

- Always be prepared, that's my motto.

(upbeat music)

(low organ music)

(sedate light jazz music)

- I guess they're bashful, fucking with no lights on.

(man laughs)

(dramatic music)

(light music)

- Ah, Manuel.

Come here.

- What's the matter?

- I wanna talk to you for a minute.

- What you want?

- Come here.

Happened again, huh, Manuel?

- What you talking about?

- You know what I'm talking about.

- Hey, hey, hey, I the super.

- Don't worry about it.

I'm not gonna take your job away, Manuel.

- Okay, that good.

- Yes, Manuel.

- What you want?

- You are a pre-vert.

You are a true, dyed-in-the-wool di-generate

if I've ever seen one, you know that?

Peeping through peepholes, looking.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

(indistinct)

- What do you want me to do?

- What do I want you to do?

If you want a girl so badly,

why don't you just go out and get the real stuff?

Go after the real thing.

- I no speak English good.

I don't know how to talk to a woman.

- Oh, come on.

"L don't speak English good, I don't know how to talk."

That's got nothing to do with it.

It's all a matter of approach.

- What do you mean? - Hey, I've got an idea.

- What?

- You know, a lot of people in this building

don't know about this.

Come closer.

I happen to be a doctor of sexology.

- Si.

- Went through a four year correspondence course.

- Si.

- Yeah, I had to send a lot of box tops from cereals

to get this course.

I am going to help you because I like you, Manuel.

I think you're a nice guy, no matter what

anybody else says in this neighborhood.

I think you're a nice guy and I'm gonna help you.

- Sure.

- For a small fee, of course.

I am going to teach you a full proof,

sure-as-fire method of picking up a woman,

and no woman, with my method, will ever refuse

to go out with you.

How's that, huh?

- That's idea!

- Deal, for $10.

'$10?

(doorbell rings)

- Come in, the door's open.

(playful castanet music)

- Hi, I'm your new neighbor.

Could I borrow a cup of scotch?

- Psst, hey, Manuel, come here.

How do you like that, huh?

- That's all right, boy.

That's a nice piece of meat, boy.

(wolf howls)

- How'd you like to try out an approach on her, okay?

- Sure.

- First, let me see your natural approach.

Let me see how you talk to that girl right now.

- Hey, I'm your super.

How about coming down to the basement with me?

- Come here, will ya, please?

- What the matter?

- What kind of talk is that? - What I do?

- "L'm your super, come down to the basement."

- What I do?

- You haven't got the right approach.

You gotta be gentile, you gotta be suave.

- What are you talk about?

I ain't no gentile, I no slob.

- Yeah, no, no, no, no.

You gotta have the right things to say to a woman.

Now you say everything I tell ya, okay?

- Sure. - First thing you say to her,

"Pardon me, madam, often times I've seen you

"promenade up and down the boulevard."

Try that.

- Often times I see you running around naked

in the bull-yard.

- NO, no, no, no, no, come hEFG!

What, "running around naked in the bull-yard"?

"L seen you promenade up and down the boulevard."

Try that.

"L seen you promenade up and down the boulevard."

Try it.

- Often times, I see you running around naked

in the bull-yard, the bull-yard,

because when the bull get you up against the fence.

(shouting)

- Now, now, now, Manuel, Manuel, don't get carried away.

The lines are, "Often times, I've seen you promenade

"up and down the boulevard."

Try it that way.

- Often times I see you promenade up and down the bull-yard.

- Thank you.

_

- Now you're scoring, baby boy.

Right on! (laughs)

- Good, huh? - Yes.

- What I do now, boss?

- Now say to her, "You are the quintessence of beauty."

- I like to put my thing between your boobies.

- No, no, not "l'd like to put

my thing between your boobies!"

"You are the quintessence of beauty."

- You are the quintessence of beauty.

- Oh, thank you!

- Stanley, come eat.

- Okay, Ma, I just wanna take my jacket off.

- Who were you talking to?

- Manuel.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

- Sit down already.

Everything is getting cold.

- Ma, you're so lucky.

To have such a beautiful son.

Oh my goodness, look how beautiful I am.

Oh, my heavens, good thing I'm not a woman.

You're so pretty and so witty.

I So pretty, witty, and gay I

You're so adorable.

- All right. - (indistinct) Ma.

- Enough with the fooling around.

- Hey, Ma, ever see two u-bang-ees meeting

in the middle of the jungle?

One u-bang-ee turns to the other u-bang-ee, says,

"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

"Now you fan me for a while." (laughs)

You fan me (chuckles) for a while.

- Stanley, stop clowning.

Eat, please.

- You've no sense of humor, Ma.

- Stanley, I've been thinking.

Maybe I should get married.

- Did you say "married," Ma?

- It'd be nice to have a man in the house.

- A man around the house?

I'm a man, Ma.

- Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

It would be nice not to have to worry about bills and rent.

- Yeah, Ma, but I'm a marriage counselor now.

I'll take care of you.

- I'm so tired of washing dishes and cleaning.

If God wanted me to clean, he would have made me a broom.

Mr. Greenberg, the one that owns the fruit store,

he's crazy about me, I can tell.

- Wow, you got some taste, Ma.

- And that Mr. Bloom from the drugstore,

he can't take his eyes off me.

- You know who might be really good to you, Ma?

Somebody fascinating, like Claude Rains.

Remember Claude Rains, Ma?

His most famous part.

"L don't take up much room, I'm invisible."

Don't like that either, Ma, huh?

Well, uh.

- Go, go already.

- (stutters) That's all, Ma.

- You're driving me crazy.

It's time you stopped clowning around.

_ Qkay-

- Son, a marriage counselor.

(upbeat, comical music)

(phone rings)

(funky music)

(woman moaning) (funky music)

(funky music continues)

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- Hello there. - Oh, Marge.

How nice to hear from you.

- What are you doing, Manuel?

- I left something, I'm looking for it.

- Is that right, Manuel? (chuckles)

(light music)

- Hey, what's this I hear about going

over to Marge's house tonight?

I'm not going over to Marge's house.

I don't like them.

They're cheap bastards.

- We're going.

- No, we are not going.

- Yes, we are.

- No, we're not. - We're going.

- We're not going. - We're going.

- We're not going.

- We're going. - No, we are not.

- Yes, we are.

We're going.

- No, we're not. - We're going.

- No. - Yes.

- No. - Going, going.

We are going. - No.

- Going. - We're not going.

- We are going.

- No, we are not.

- Yes, we are.

We're going.

_ He going.

- No. - Yes.

- No.

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Well, the doctor is a very busy man.

Let me look at his appointment book.

Stanley!

- Yeah?

- There's a lady on the phone, a Mrs. Rawson.

She's a patient.

She wants to come and see you tonight with her husband.

- Tell them to come at seven o'clock, Ma.

No, no, no, make that eight o'clock.

- The doctor is very busy,

but he'll see you tonight at eight o'clock.

Goodbye.

- I have patients already.

How about that?

Stanley Bebble, successful marriage counselor.

(comical music)

(dramatic, busy music)

(dramatic, busy music continues)

(dramatic, busy music continues)

(light, comical music)

(low organ music) (people moaning)

(cow lows)

(organ music) (woman moaning)

- What a pair of post-er-ays.

(fast organ music) (woman moaning)

(lighthearted music)

(people moaning) (lighthearted music)

(fast percussive music)

(sedate, upbeat music)

(staccato, playful music)

(staccato, playful music continues)

(light, upbeat music)

- Okay, Katie, you win, let's get married.

- Oh, Stanley, darling, married!

- Oh, boy, does that mean now we can make love?

- Oh, Stanley, darling, married!

- Oh, oh, oh, boy, then we can make love?

(light music)

(water patters)

(light music)

(doorbell rings)

(person knocks)

(light music)

- Darling, will you hand me the soap?

(light, comical music)

Oh, darling, wash my back.

(water patters) (soft music)

Your hands feel so gentle today.

Oh, just keep on rubbing.

(water patters) (soft music)

Oh, I've got soap in my eyes, darling!

Get me a towel.

(light music)

Get me a towel, please!

(light, comical music)

(wolf howls)

- My, you do have a problem!

(whistles) Holy gravy.

You mean to tell me that your husband

always calls you a bitch?

Mm hmm, and your sex life.

I haven't heard anything so weird in my life.

Likes to make love in a park.

Well, park is not too bad.

People's backyards?

Well, maybe that's not so weird, either.

On the street, everybody watching?

Oh my God.

He likes to what?

Do it dog fashion?

Only dog fashion?

How degrading!

Next time he does that, you just tell him

he's barking up the wrong tree.

What do you think of that?

(dOg barks)

That's what you get, talking to a dog.

Straitjacket, throw away the key.

Yeah, all right, get out of here, Cocoa.

Come on, come on, come OH.

I'm not talking to any more weirdos.

I want real patients.

Ma, bring in the next patient!

(light music) (woman moans)

(upbeat music)

(bluesy rock music) (people grunting)

(bluesy rock music)

(slow rock music)

(shimmering synthesizer music)

(skipping rock music)

(upbeat music)

(bluesy rock music) (woman moaning)

(raspy rock music)

(brassy music)

(slow rock music) (woman moaning)

(raspy rock music)

Hey, Manuel.

Come here, I wanna talk to you a minute.

Come here.

What were you doing out there?

- I dropped a piece of soap.

I was bending down to pick it up.

- Oh, yeah, oh, because you were cleaning

the hallways again, huh?

How come you're always cleaning the hallways?

You know something, I bet we got

the cleanest hallways in all of America.

No, no, no, no, I take that back.

Probably in the whole wide world.

- I got a bad back, so I got a system.

I clean the hallway, a different hallway,

every day, make it easier for me.

- Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah,

but let me tell you something, Manuel,

and I don't want you to think I'm talking down to you,

and I want you to know something.

This has nothing to do with the fact

that you're Puerto Rican and I'm American.

Because I wanna tell you something.

Some of my best friends are janitors.

I want you to know that.

I want you to know something.

- Ah, ah, Mister, I'm no janitor, I a super.

- A super.

- Please (speaking foreign language).

No janitor.

- Hmm, (speaking foreign language) throw

a couple of romantic words there.

Let me tell you something.

You're trying to get out of something,

and you know what it is.

I told you my toilet bowl was stopped up.

That's two days ago,

and I'm still waiting for you to fix it.

Now, you better have that toilet bowl

fixed by eight o'clock tonight, and I mean it.

- Why, you got an appointment to take a shit

at eight o'clock tonight?

(toilet flushes) - Very good.

- All right, all right, I fix it.

- Go drop another piece of soap.

(lighthearted music)

- You bastard, you're always getting horny when I'm busy.

You know, there's a marriage counselor in the building.

I really think that we should go see him.

- What for?

You're nuts.

- I think we should go see him.

N0!

I think we should go see him.

- All right, all right.

(lighthearted music)

(doorbell rings)

_ Yes?

- We're Mr. And Mrs. Rawson.

- Come into the waiting room.

(fast music)

(doorbell rings)

Go into the waiting room, please.

(light music)

- Mr. and Mrs. Rawson?

- We're Mr. and Mrs. Rawson.

- I'm Mrs. George.

This is my husband.

We live on the floor above you.

The card said no appointment necessary.

- Oh, that's all right.

Why don't you all follow me into my office.

That's the latest methods, you know, group therapy.

Same fee, but you get much better results.

(light music)

Well, where do we start?

- Look here, buddy.

- Just a little joke.

(spacey blooping)

Mrs. Rawson, how long have you been married?

- Seven years.

- Hey, that's a good question.

After all, I am a marriage counselor.

Tell me everything, Mrs. Rawson.

- Everything?

- Only way I can help you.

Have to know every single little thing.

- (sighs) I first met my husband Brian

at the Fong-gu club in the Village.

(80% clangs)

- What club?

- The Fong-gu club. (gong clangs)

I was a dancer there.

(fast, percussive music)

(people applaud)

I was a good dancer, too.

I could've had a great career.

But I gave it up for him! (weeps)

- Go on, Mrs. Rawson.

- Brian said it was love at first sight.

- First fright is more like it.

- "First fright." (laughs)

Now that's funny. (laughs)

(Mrs. Rawson weeps)

Go on, Mrs. Rawson.

- Brian just couldn't keep his hands off me.

Wherever we were, he always wanted to, you know.

- Screw, say it!

- Why, even the first night we met.

He said he left some papers he had to mail in his room.

- New twist.

Papers to mail.

No hijinks.

- But when we got there.

(upbeat music)

(bluesy rock music)

(shimmering synthesizer music)

(people moaning) (rock music)

(plodding rock music)

We kept company for six months,

and Brian was just wonderful.

(Mrs. Rawson weeps)

- What the hell are you balling about?

I married you, didn't I?

- So you were married.

- We spent our honeymoon in Hawaii.

- Hawaii, all those leis!

(percussive music)

(light, upbeat music)

- Come on, baby, let's make with the bodies.

That's what you call a real sexy moon.

- Oh, Brian.

(light, upbeat music) (people moaning)

(sedate, upbeat music) (woman moans)

(percussive music)

(man shouts)

They said Hawaii was beautiful,

but I didn't see any of the sights.

I was on my back all the time.

- Well, can't have everything.

- But when we got back from the honeymoon,

everything was changed.

He forgot that I was a woman.

(TV chatters)

Brian, Brian, damn it.

Remember me, your wife Myra?

(TV chatters)

Brian, Brian!

(TV chatters)

Bfian!

(TV chatters)

(brassy music)

- What the hell are you doing?

I can't see the picture.

- Brian doesn't even know I have a body!

- Mr. Rawson, what are you,

some kind of a cold fish or something?

- I didn't wanna come here in the first place.

She insisted.

I should've left her in Hawaii.

Boy, that was where she was hot in the pants.

A real woman.

But now...

Listen, last week.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(light, percussive music)

(light, percussive music continues)

There's the cold fish.

(Mrs. Rawson cries)

- Now, now, Mrs. Rawson.

Try to control yourself.

(Mrs. Rawson cries)

And now we'll hear from the other panelists.

I mean our other friends in the room.

What are your sex problems?

- Sex problems?

We don't have any sex problems.

Sex ain't everything.

We got a sex life, don't we, baby?

- Yeah, Tom.

- But we got plenty of other problems.

- So, what's wrong?

- I can't remember the last time I had a decent meal.

- You got a hell of a nerve.

- Go on, go on.

- I don't know how I put up with him all these years.

- Put up with me?

You've had me by the balls ever since

I was stupid enough to marry you.

- Oh, bulghur.

- Bulghur.

Why, if I wasn't a gentleman.

- You a gentleman?

- Before I was batty enough to say "l do,"

you were a real doll.

- He's just not interested in me anymore,

except in bed.

- Maybe if you didn't always look like such a slob.

- You call me a slob?

- Why don't you shut up?

- You have a big mouth, just like your mother.

- My mother has a big mouth?

- Yeah, and she almost ate me

right into the poorhouse with her big mouth.

- How dare you.

She hardly ate a thing the short time that she was there.

- Short time?

Three years!

- It was only two months.

- Well, it felt like three years.

She sure ate for three years in those two months.

Could you pass the string beans?

(light music)

(percussive music)

(light music)

- Pig!

(comical music)

- Well, Mom always did have a big appetite,

but your mother never left us alone,

not even for a minute,

the whole year she stayed with us.

(ticking music)

I wish we could go to the movies without your mother.

Just once.

I don't know why she insists on going.

She falls asleep as soon as she hits the seat, anyway.

She drives the audience crazy with her snoring.

It's so embarrassing.

- Yeah, well, I.

(soft rock music)

(indistinct whispering)

(soft rock music)

Night, mother.

- Goodnight, son.

- Goodnight, Mother.

(light rock music)

(object crashes)

(spring boings)

(object whistles)

- What took you so long?

- And you talk about my mother?

- (cries) Please, help me, I'm so miserable. (cries)

- Mr. Rawson, why don't you put

your arm around her and comfort her?

- Ah, she doesn't even have a figure anymore.

She used to have a great pair of knockers.

(Mrs. Rawson cries)

- You're crazy, she has a beautiful pair of tits.

- How the hell do you know what she's got?

- It were last Thursday.

The last Thursday, I were cleaning up the hall.

I bend down to pick up a piece of soap,

and then I see.

(upbeat music)

(staccato, busy music)

(staccato, busy music continues)

(rock music) (woman moaning)

(upbeat music) (woman moaning)

(fast, rolling music)

I never do that before, look through keyhole, not me.

Just this one time.

I got honor!

- Last Thursday, huh?

Last Thursday, I stayed at my mother's house.

I didn't come home until Friday!

Why, you no good, two-timing son of a bitch!

- Listen, I can explain everything!

(comical music) (people grunting)

Hey, hey, hey, heV!

(woman shouts) Oh, we're through.

(woman shouts)

(doorbell rings)

(bittersweet violin music)

_ Yes?

- Hello, Mother.

- Mother?

I'm not your mother.

(upbeat music)

- Didn't Stanley tell you?

- Tell me what?

- Well, Stanley and I, we're getting married.

(comical music)

(Ma laughs)

- Married, my Stanley getting married, don't be ridiculous.

Are you kidding me?

My Stanley getting married.

He can't even go to the bathroom without me.

Maybe 100 years from now, when I'm dead, God forbid,

maybe Stanley will get married, but not now.

(comical music)

(people shouting)

- Don't you put your hands on my husband!

Don't you hit him! (screams)

(men laugh)

(women shout) (comical music)

- Now listen, folks.

(people shout)

- I'll punch you in the nose.

(people shout)

(exciting, determined music)

(person knocks)

- Katie!

(exciting, determined music)

Katie!

(person knocks)

- Get lost, jerk.

- Oh, well, at least let me come in and explain to you.

Oh, Katie, just give me a minute to come in.

I can explain the whole thing to you.

Aw, Katie, aw, forget it.

(fast, comical music)

(person knocks)

Katie!

Katie.

(cries) Katie.

(cries) Come on, Katie.

Don't make a grown man cry, Katie.

Aw, Katie, I love you so much.

I can't live without you.

(exciting, determined music)

(comical music)

Katie!

Come on, Katie, I can't live without you, baby. (cries)

Aw, Katie.

(exciting, determined music)

(Modding music)

Boy, oh, boy, she's gonna feel

sorry when I kill myself, boy.

I'm gonna open up this window and I'm gonna jump.

I'm gonna jump, that's what I'm gonna do.

22 stories up.

She'll be...

Damn window.

(low, plodding music)

Yep, you're gonna feel real sorry when I'm gone.

(comical music)

Can't gag on the pills.

I can get hurt that way.

No pills for me.

(low, plodding music)

(gas hissing)

- No wonder my gas bill is so high.

(gas hisses) (Modding music)

Stanley?

(gas hisses) I have a surprise for you.

I got married.

I did it for you.

Every boy needs a father.

So, turn the gas off and go, go meet your new daddy.

(plodding, comical music)

_ Son!

(upbeat music)

(Manuel laughs)

(upbeat music)

Hey, you.

(upbeat music)

What's the matter with you?

You deaf?

You no hear?

Didn't I tell you yesterday to fix the toilet bowl in 1A?

Well, go fix it.

(upbeat music)

(Manuel laughs)

(wedding music)

(wedding music continues)