Original subtitles

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

FLOYD SMERNITCH: Why are you dressed like that? Like an umpire?

CAROL LOVE-SMERNITCH: Because I'm an umpire.

-FLOYD: (LAUGHS) What? What? -Yeah, at Strohmeyer Park.

Bronco and Mustang Games. I told you.

-(BLOWS) When? -CAROL: Mm. Like last Saturday.

I said I needed to pick up some part-time weekend work

so we can get better plates and dishes for the household,

and, you know, a more grown-up furniture set for Richard and stuff.

You don't remember me saying that? I told you.

I told you I was going to pick up Saturday sessions.

CAROL: Right, and I said that that wasn't gonna be enough

and I was gonna have to pick up some work nearby.

You don't remember that?

-FLOYD: Okay, yeah. -Okay.

Hey, can you cancel the lawn maintenance guys,

today, please?

-'Cause we were supposed to do it last month... -Okay.

-...and I just got another bill. -FLOYD: Okay, yeah.

I totally forgot to do it. So, yeah, I'll--

Yeah, because we have to start cutting all these, you know,

all these things, or we're never gonna be able

to get Richard into private school,

or do any of the things that we have to do.

-I'm totally gonna do it today. -Okay. Wow.

Why umpire?

Because it's right behind the house

and it's 85 dollars a game.

I don't know much about baseball,

but it's gonna be weird. Whatever.

FLOYD: Hmm.

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -COACH: Hey, it's cold, ump.

-Let's go. -I'm waiting for you.

COACH: You have to say "play ball."

For what?

COACH: For, like, the game to start.

Just start it.

COACH: Well, you have to say "play ball."

Play ball.

No, not to me. To, like, everyone.

Hey, hi.

Play ball.

Not to each kid. Just yell it out to everyone.

CAROL: (LOUDLY) Play ball!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

So, um... (EXHALES) ...the ump thing.

You gonna be doing that for a while, huh?

Yeah.

A new school?

Floyd, we're like three years away

from even being able to make a deposit on that.

And we still have to get the more grown-up furniture set

and stuff for Richard's room.

Uh, that was on the list for last year.

Almost two years now.

Uh, yeah. Cool.

(INSECTS CHIRPING IN DISTANCE)

We'll just cut corners 'til then.

FLOYD: Cool.

So you're gonna do the ump... ump thing

-until then, huh? -Yeah.

Yeah, cool.

(INHALES)

Cool.

-♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(FLOYD EXHALES DEEPLY)

-(SCANNER BEEPS) -So you don't honor that coupon?

-I don't get this. -CLERK: Uh, not on the sirloins.

We, uh, we don't honor the-- "Excludes selected..."

Yeah, this doesn't apply.

Okay, well then, no way, Jose, on those sirloins.

CLERK: Okay. Um, here, did you want, uh...

No, it's worthless.

-♪ (MARCHING BAND PLAYING) ♪ -CAROL: Whoa! Whoa, little man.

What is this bullshit? Twenty dollars?

♪ (MELLOW MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

Strike! Strike.

(QUIETLY) Strike.

Move it, tuba.

No way, Jose!

-(CROWD EXCLAIMING) -(KID GROANS)

Okay. You're okay. You're okay.

-Okay. -FLOYD: (SOFTLY) Happy birthday.

CAROL: Floyd!

Oh, no way, Jose.

No, yes, yes, yes. They're very feminine.

-(CROWD GROAN, CHEER) -CAROL: Strike three, you're out!

(SIGHS) We're almost there

in terms of getting nicer plates and bowls

for the household and a more grown-up furniture set

for Richard, and bedding and stuff, you know?

And the tuition. Hey, come on.

We want to get there, right?

-Yep. Yes. -CAROL: We want to...

Yeah, we want to get there, Floyd.

-(SCANNER BEEPS) -I don't see why they wouldn't

just put that right on the coupon,

that it doesn't include top sirloin.

You know, we haven't paid his therapy bills

for two months, so they've started sending letters.

Have you noticed any change since therapy?

Um, no.

No, not really.

Um, we've been talking.

Richard. We've been talking.

School's not really for him.

-Well, I mean, the vest. -I don't think it's the vest.

I just think people don't know him.

If people knew him, they could like him.

The new school, what a chance that could be for him.

Yeah. Yes. So...

no way, Jose, on these, okay?

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

CLERK: (OVER PA) Price check at 12. Price check at 12.

-♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ -(DISTANT CHATTER)

(REFRIGERATOR WHIRRING)

I mean, how did my son ruin all your milk?

-(BIRDS CHIRPING) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Is this Albertson's?

Then don't you know how my son ruined all your milk?

(SOFTLY) Fuck.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Queece. Stephen Queece.

-Hey, Carol. -Hey, can I get my ump money?

Do we ha-- You didn't get your ump money?

-No. For three weeks. -Three weeks what?

I haven't been paid for three weeks, Queece.

-Come on. -Shit, okay.

Let me look into it with the league.

Okay, thanks. That's 600 a month, right?

-Thanks. -Where are you going?

Uh... (SIGHS) There's an issue with my son.

There's-- He did something with the milk at Albertson's.

-STEPHEN QUEECE: Mustang game. -What?

You're on the afternoon Mustang game.

Rattlers versus the Comets. Field four.

I just umped two games, and I gotta go pick up my kid,

-and my husband's away at his mother's. -STEPHEN: Carol.

I'm on field three. That's the schedule.

And I can't pay you

if you don't work the games you signed for.

(SIGHS)

Wow. Okay.

(SHOUTS) Play ball!

(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

(CROWD CHEERING)

-CAROL: Out! -(KIDS YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

CAROL: Game over.

-KID: Bullshit! -(YELLING CONTINUES)

I just don't understand how this could happen.

Neither do I.

But you still have to pay for the milk.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Hey, Carol Love.

Hey.

How's your mom doing?

She's, um, pretty good.

How are you doing?

I'm, uh...

okay.

Can I... Can I talk to you for a second about one thing?

What?

The...

um...

-The, um, what? -FLOYD: The...

The umpire gear...

around the house...

CAROL: Okay.

So, in general, I'm really glad that you're doing it?

I mean, Little League is a great place for kids

to learn about team dynamics? Also get some sunshine?

So, I think it's a really good idea

that you're doing it?

Why are you doing uptalk?

Doing what?

(EXAGGERATES) Doing everything ends in a question?

-Doing kids are in the sunshine? -Okay, I'm not?

Okay, you are?

Okay. Well, maybe I'm just, you know,

maybe I'm a little nervous about, you know,

saying that the umpire gear around the house...

it makes it a little hard for me

to get my engine revved, you know?

It kinda, uh..

'Cause it kinda neutralizes? Uh, sexually?

So maybe if there was more time

around the house when you weren't an umpire?

Um, I thought it was important to share this?

You know, so that our sex life can--

Yeah, okay. Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

(SCOFFS) Wow.

Okay.

Oh, I, uh, sent out some invites for a cornhole party.

I'm jacked for you to meet my friend Clark,

the weatherman guy I told you about.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

I'm jacked.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

-(LEAVES RUSTLING) -(WIND CHIME TINKLING FAINTLY)

(SOBS)

-(LEAF BLOWERS WHIRRING) -(QUIETLY) Fuck. (SNIFFLES)

(SOBS)

♪ ("LET THE SUNSHINE IN" BY THE 5TH DIMENSION PLAYING) ♪

♪ Let the sunshine ♪

♪ Let the sunshine in ♪

♪ The sunshine in ♪

♪ Let the sunshine ♪

-♪ Oh, let it shine ♪ -♪ Let the sunshine in ♪

-♪ Come on ♪ -♪ The sunshine in ♪

♪ Now everybody Just sing along ♪

♪ Let the sunshine ♪

-♪ Let the sunshine in ♪ -♪ Let the sunshine in ♪

-♪ Open up your heart ♪ -♪ The sunshine in ♪

♪ And let it shine on in ♪

-♪ And when you are lonely ♪ -♪ Let the sunshine ♪

-♪ Hey, let it shine ♪ -♪ Let the sunshine in ♪

-♪ You gotta open up your heart And let it shine on in ♪ -♪ The sunshine in ♪

♪ And when you feel like You been mistreated ♪

♪ Let the sunshine ♪

♪ And your friends turn Their backs upon ya ♪

♪ Let the sunshine in ♪

-♪ Just open up your heart ♪ -♪ The sunshine in ♪

♪ Let it shine on in ♪

-♪ You got to feel it ♪ -♪ Let the sunshine ♪

-♪ You got to feel it ♪ -♪ Let the sunshine in ♪

-♪ Open up your heart ♪ -♪ The sunshine in ♪

♪ And let it shine on in ♪

-♪ You got to feel it ♪ -♪ Let the sunshine ♪

-♪ You got to feel it ♪ -♪ Let the sunshine in ♪

-♪ When you open up your heart ♪ -♪ The sunshine in ♪

♪ You gotta let The sun come on in... ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

(TRAFFIC RUMBLING)

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

It's not always, uh, a big thing,

but, uh, underwater demolition

can get, uh, pretty dangerous.

Sometimes with... with multiple blasts

right in a concentrated area.

Multiple blasts?

You bet.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

CAROL: Are you excited about the wine bike trip?

CLARK FORREST: Yes.

It's gonna be 64, 65, you know.

Perfect.

Get outside of town in a bike group

of nice people. You know?

Drink some wine, not too much.

Um, just share that with someone special, you know.

♪ ("DON'T MAKE ME OVER" BY JIM O'ROURKE PLAYING) ♪

♪ Don't make me over ♪

♪ Now that I'd do Anything for you ♪

♪ Don't make me over ♪

♪ Now that you know How I adore you ♪

♪ Don't pick On the things I say... ♪

-FLOYD: Mm. -Perfect day.

FLOYD: Mm.

-CLARK: I know. -FLOYD: Oh my God.

This is so... This one is so-- Here.

This is really fruity.

There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Is that good? -CLARK: Mm!

(LAUGHS)

♪ Don't make me over... ♪

Look at this.

♪ Now that you got me At your command ♪

(IMITATES GULPING) Oh, oh. Ah!

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -♪ Accept me for what I am ♪

-(EXCLAIMS) -♪ Accept me For the things that I do ♪

♪ Accept me for what I am ♪

♪ Accept me For the things that I do ♪

Pick your fave,

and we'll have it at lunch in the bistro.

-It's totally this one. -Yeah?

Yeah. (CHUCKLING) Yeah.

♪ Don't make me over ♪

CLARK: Perfect day.

-♪ Don't make me over ♪ -Perfect day.

♪ Now that you've got me At your command ♪

Hey, remember when I was telling you

that I... I Frenched that guy?

♪ Accept me for what I am ♪

♪ Accept me for the things That I do ♪

-♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪ -(SIGHS)

I don't know if I wanna do DTF anymore.

I don't know, Clark. I mean, I...

I don't know how to, like, be in that scene.

Just in over my head with this one.

Okay.

I worry, you know, that he knows

that my heart wasn't in that French.

I, uh... (CHUCKLES)

Maybe I hurt his feelings.

Just...

I worry at night so much.

My thoughts swirl.

Mm. Oh, God, this wine's my fave.

CLARK: Mm.

Hey, so... So what are you worried about

mostly at night?

(QUIET CHATTER)

Like dying.

Then my secrets are known.

Like what?

Like I owe, like...

48,000 dollars, easy. Probably more now.

I mean, I don't even look at the tax bills anymore.

And like...

Like that's what I leave. Just that.

It's, like, not nothing, it's worse.

I worry about Richard. I worry about Carol. And...

you know, when you lie down in bed, you feel like

your heart's supposed to rest, right?

Your heart's supposed to go... (SHUSHES)

And mine just races.

It's like I got, like, a bird heart.

How?

They work so hard,

you know, to fly and their heart just...

races.

My heart's like that. It's like a bird heart.

But I can't fly.

♪ (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

FLOYD: Mm.

Yeah, it's my fave.

Richard has, uh, borderline personality disorder,

which means that, like, impulse control is limited.

Man.

Yeah. Public school is tough for him.

There is another school with fewer kids.

And they all are, like, different,

you know, like him.

And I lie in bed and I think, "How could I afford this?"

And then I worry about him.

CLARK: You know I can...

You know, I... I could, uh, cover you with this,

you know, with these problems, these worries.

No, man. No.

Hey, man, at the gym, B out the B.

B out the B?

CLARK: I can help in life

the same way you helped me at the gym.

I can help you get these bills down

so you can sleep,

get you some insurance and get some peace.

You know, we hush that heart some.

-Hush my heart? -Yeah.

-FLOYD: My bird heart. -(SOFTLY) Yeah.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

I can help.

With the tuition, too.

I can help.

It'd be nice to have a man heart again.

I don't know.

CLARK: What is it?

When I was a boy and I pictured myself

as a man, I never pictured myself

as a man asking another man for money.

I pictured myself as a man parachuting

out of an airplane with a machine gun

in a time of war and all his war buddies

like floating by him going like, "You're a good leader, man."

You know what I pictured doing as a man?

-What? -CLARK: Having a good friend

and helping him when he needed it

and him helping me when I needed it.

And I was happy.

Take happy, Floyd.

What's this tuition like?

It's like four payments over the year,

like about 7,000 dollars each.

-Something like that. -Let's get him in there.

Uh, I can cover you guys.

You know?

Then you'll see if it helps and we'll take it from there.

Hey.

Hey.

-(CHUCKLES) -CLARK: B out the B.

-(GLASSES CLINK) -FLOYD: B out the B.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Hey, are you still crying?

Just a little bit from happiness.

Well, you are actually a little drunk now,

so be careful.

(LAUGHS DRUNKENLY)

-CLARK: Hey. Hey, hey! -Oh, fuck!

FLOYD: Yeah, bike was dinged up, but I was all right.

RICHARD: D'you guys have fun?

You and Clark?

Yeah, we had a blast, man. Hey, thanks for asking.

You know what? Let's take off a little early.

I wanna show you something.

There's only, like, 12 kids per class,

so you already know there's gonna be less A-holes.

How... how soon can I start?

We'll pay tuition tomorrow. Right after that.

And the kids, they test smarter than at Collins.

They're smarter,

so we know you're fitting in better already,

'cause you're smart as F.

Hey, fresh start.

It's worth millions and millions, man.

All your surroundings fresh, teachers fresh, kids fresh,

All that hard stuff,

you just leave that behind you.

That's not coming here.

Who knows, maybe there's a...

maybe there's a friend already here. I mean, could be.

Maybe he draws cool fantasy predator birds,

and he's looking for some cool kid

to show 'em off to, and here you come all fresh and cool

with your cool predator bird portfolio and stuff.

-(RICHARD CHUCKLES) -FLOYD: Could be.

You sure you don't want my jacket?

-I'm fine. -No?

Well, I'll tell you what, if there is a kid who draws

predator birds, he's...

he's a lucky F-er 'cause he's about to meet you.

F stands for "fuck."

Yeah, I know, but I didn't-- I didn't say "fuck."

I said F.

Trying to be a good dad figure here.

You are.

I'm what?

You're a good dad figure.

(CHUCKLES)

-(BIRDS CHIRPING) -(DISTANT DOG BARKING)

(IN ASL)

(LAUGHS)

I don't know how to say this next part

-with sign language. -FLOYD: (QUIETLY) Hey.

Just... speak.

Speed cornhole, bro.

Cardio blast. Let's go. Let's do it. Come on.

♪ (LIVELY RHYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(PANTS)

-Speed! -Cornhole!

(FLOYD BREATHING HEAVILY)

Yeah, I'm just gonna shake a little of the bacon.

Oh, there we go. Gonna leave you...

-leave you enough for flavor. -FLOYD: (SOFTLY) Hey.

Thank you, man.

CLARK: Yeah. I left enough for flavor.

Wow. Nobody's ever-- I mean, Carol,

but like nobody's ever cared enough to shake the bacon

off my sandwich but leave enough for flavor.

(KEYS JINGLE)

♪ (POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

CLARK: What's that?

Optimism.

It's a key to a PO box I rented

to get our secret life insurance bills.

-CLARK: Oh! -'Cause I'm gonna pass that physical.

♪ (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Good idea. You're gonna ace that physical.

-No. I'll pass it. -CLARK: You're gonna ace

that motherfucking life insurance physical.

That's the fucking news.

CLARK AND FLOYD: ♪ We're the Thunder Boys ♪

♪ We're gonna ace that ♪

♪ Motherfucking Life insurance physical ♪

♪ We're the Thunder Boys We're gonna ace that ♪

♪ Motherfucking Life insurance physical ♪

♪ (FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

BOTH: ♪ Whoa! ♪

♪ We're the Thunder Boys We're gonna ace that ♪

♪ Motherfucking Life insurance physical ♪

♪ Well, I'm Floyd Smernitch AKA Pure Joy ♪

♪ And I'm from the St. Louis ♪

-♪ Area ♪ -♪ Area ♪

♪ And I employ all the tricks ♪

♪ For acing My motherfucking physical ♪

-♪ Hey! ♪ -♪ Low sodium ♪

-♪ Ho! ♪ -♪ Two beers ♪

-♪ Hey! ♪ -♪ Speed cornhole ♪

BOTH: ♪ High gear ♪

♪ Used to be Rocksolid And now I'm Pure Joy ♪

♪ And now I'm gonna pass it To the weather boy ♪

♪ Pure Joy, Weather Boy Looking hot as fuck ♪

♪ Understand Thunder Boys Leave you thunderstruck ♪

♪ Take a break, shake the bacon Off your sandwich ♪

♪ We're doing two steps at A time on the staircase, bitch ♪

♪ We're the Thunder Boys We're gonna ace that ♪

♪ Motherfucking Life insurance physical ♪

♪ We're the Thunder Boys We're gonna ace that ♪

♪ Motherfucking Life insurance physical ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

FLOYD: See you later, elevator!

CLARK: In a while, candy aisle!

She's got a real wobble. I might have messed up

the sprockets on my major wipeout.

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I'll-- I'll take care of it money-wise.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, it would really mean the world to me.

CAROL: (QUIETLY) He has a weird dick.

And he just can't pop 'em like he used to, you know,

like pop those boners.

Yeah, you said.

And he has money stress, so he eats,

and then he feels bad about himself.

He looks okay.

Hm. I mean, yeah, but he used to be, like...

CLARK: Well, Carol, we-- we all used to be.

You know, when his dick was normal, he was in Playgirl.

He was what?

In Playgirl.

Like, nude, all the way.

-(LAUGHS) -Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah, and there was like this little thing about him.

Like a get-to-know-him thing.

"One, sixty-five."

One, sixty-five, what?

CAROL: That's what it said he weighed then.

-One-sixty-five, yeah. -CLARK: Oh. Mm-hmm.

CAROL: You know, our house is pretty small,

so there's nowhere you can really go to be alone.

And I see him looking at it.

CLARK: At his Playgirl.

CAROL: Yeah. He kept it.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

CLARK: Hmm.

CAROL: And sometimes he looks at it,

and he looks so sad.

So he has self-esteem things,

and that's part of the boner problems.

PHYSICIAN: Blood pressure's... It's pretty high.

Yeah, yeah, my heart really kind of goes.

Plus, I got my shirt off,

and so, you know, that makes me self-conscious.

-PHYSICIAN: Mm-hmm. Okay. -FLOYD: But--

-PHYSICIAN: All right. -That goes to my heart, too.

I mean, that's science, though, so...

-♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ -CLARK: Well, you know,

we're taking care of a lot of that with him.

Get his house in order so that there's less stress.

B out the B.

CAROL: What, what?

It's what we do for each other. Bring out the best.

-Oh. Yeah. -Yeah.

But the paying the bills and, uh, the insurance,

that has to be a private thing with you guys, okay?

Because, you know, if he knows that I know,

then his self-esteem is gonna be like... (TUTS) ...right?

-Yes. -Like, I'm him.

"Oh, God, you know Clark pays our bills.

Now I'm not a man, so now I can't ever

-pop boners again." -Smart.

-Yeah. -Okay.

-So... -Yeah.

♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

That's just between you two.

-(WHISPERS) Please. -Yeah.

For serious. Okay?

Okay, 'cause I want to have this with him.

Like, in a house that's normal.

Where it works and, like, we pay our bills

and we do the tuition thing that we're talking about.

And then we have sex and everything.

So...

this needs to stay between you two.

Okay?

For serious.

Yeah.

Say "for serious" again.

For serious. Yeah.

Okay.

-Okay. -(CLARK CHUCKLES)

(SHUSHES)

FLOYD: So, uh, I didn't ace it, did I?

-Um, ace? -FLOYD: Yeah.

-No. -Okay.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

But you passed.

I pa-- I passed?

Phew!

Yes, acing it wasn't even-- wasn't realistic.

That-- My goal was to pass.

Passing wasn't even realistic like two weeks ago.

-Yeah, well, you passed. -Wow, Clark is gonna be jacked.

Is that your, uh, husband, Clark?

No, no, it's my, uh, it's just my best friend.

He's been like my cheese cop and...

PHYSICIAN: All right. Well, uh, Nurse Cheryl will show you out.

(QUIETLY) Yes, yes, yes!

-(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -♪ (DARK PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪

-Oh, hey. What's up? -CLARK: Hey, hi.

Uh, safety sesh for the bikes.

Oh, what are you doing with your computer?

I'm, uh, logging... (HESITATES) ...power duration drop-off

in case you and the girls go riding at night.

I'd like to know how long you're gonna be

-safely lighted. -Aw.

-Yep. -Okay.

-Yep. -All right.

♪ (DARK PIANO MUSIC RESUMES) ♪

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

Dude.

You have life insurance now.

♪ (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪ (SOFT PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(PROJECTOR WHIRS)

(LIGHTS BUZZING)

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -♪ (ROUSING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JODIE PLUMB: Fifth key. Floyd Smernitch's keys.

One, home.

(LOCK CLICKING)

Two, garage.

(LOCK CLICKING)

Three, gym locker, Bailey's Fitness.

(LOCK CLICKING)

Four, work locker.

(LOCK CLICKING)

-Fifth key, unknown. -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

The charge was filed before we knew its purpose.

-(KEYS JINGLING) -(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay.

I have three keys here that are unknown, even to me.

Old keys.

I don't know what they do, but I keep them

because they used to open something in my life.

And, you know, what if I have to open that thing again?

Unknowns are a part of key chains.

Unknowns are a part of life.

He knows.

-(DONOGHUE HOMER SIGHS) -Did you see it?

-When he stared at the key? -Forrest?

-JODIE: Yes. -Yeah.

He knows. He realized something about it.

And then he went quiet.

I saw something. Something like that. Yeah.

-I want to know more. -We always want to know more.

That's a part of this.

That's probably why I'm always in this bar.

Because you never know the whole thing,

and you have to trust the evidence that you have.

-We should look at the wife. -She has no motive, Jodie.

JODIE: Can we just consider?

What if Clark's telling the truth?

About?

JODIE: That Floyd wasn't into men.

What would that do to your case against Forrest?

Wouldn't it weaken it?

Don't you want to know?

It's crazy.

French kissing a guy out by your car

because you're polite?

Because you're wonderful.

He said wonderful.

(GRUNTS)

Can we interview Modern Love again?

For what purpose?

JODIE: For the purpose of asking him

if possibly Floyd kissed him just to be nice.

We?

♪ ("WHITE ROOM" BY CREAM PLAYING) ♪

HOMER: Can you just tell me, uh, generally,

how things go down in these sexual encounters?

-DTF? -HOMER: Yeah.

Same, same as anywhere.

HOMER: Yeah, but this is sexual.

Well, everything's sexual, so...

What do you mean?

Everything is, every setting is.

Everything's sexual?

Yeah, well, there's little separation between sexual impulsivity

and, uh, well...

it's an onboard chemical feature of every feature of our lives.

It goes where we go.

I'm here. So, so is my sexual impulsivity.

For instance, I've just discovered...

that I'm attracted to bald, mature authority figures, sir.

I'm imagining a scenario that involves you.

Uh...

I'm washing your back.

Washing my back?

You're there, too.

♪ (SONG CONTINUES PLAYING IN BACKGROUND) ♪

HOMER: Okay, can we just concentrate on our questions?

-CHRISTOPHER ROBERT SPRUCE: Sure. Fire-- -JODIE: Yeah.

-HOMER: Yeah. -CHRISTOPHER: Fire away.

HOMER: So how does a normal person

like Floyd Smernitch, um,

begin to, uh, become involved

with something like DTF St. Louis?

CHRISTOPHER: No one's normal.

It just looks that way from across the street.

Tell me, how would an encounter...

how would that be?

Well, you could meet for intimacy,

and that would be in a grove of trees

in a park somewhere.

-Or a pool house. -CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.

Or it could be to meet for breakfast.

See if you have a connection. Sometimes you don't have one.

You met Floyd Smernitch for breakfast.

-Yeah. -To see if you had a connection.

-Yeah. -Did you?

Yeah.

-But, uh... -But what?

He was just a really nice guy, and we had a nice breakfast.

I tried a little intimacy play there at the end,

but mostly it was just a nice breakfast.

What do you hope for from DTF encounters?

Do you remember in school that they had recess?

School can be hard for some kids.

It can be hard to concentrate on something as difficult

for that long a period of time.

So at some point during the school day,

they just stop the thing,

let you go outside and have fun.

But at some point, the tasks get harder,

like algebra, chemistry, whatever.

But there's no more recess.

It's gone.

You know, they don't even tell you.

-It's just gone. -♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

And it never comes back.

And I guess I just want to fuck around

with somebody sometimes, every now and then.

It's just...

And...

he seemed... he seemed like something was weighing on him.

Like, he mentioned his, um, son, or stepson or something,

felt left out, you know? Left out.

And I told him I felt like that, too,

in a lot of my life.

-HOMER: Left out? -Yeah.

Um, let me ask you this.

-Do you think when you two were French kissing... -♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

...do you think that Floyd felt, um,

that he was concerned that...

maybe his heart wasn't in it,

uh, but he didn't want you to feel left out?

You know,

so he Frenched you.

He was hands-off.

Hands-off?

Yeah, he didn't like reach around to touch my cheek

in the manner that I reached around to touch his.

It was his left.

-Left cheek? -CHRISTOPHER: Mm-hmm.

No one knows what they're doing with each other.

We find our way, and it can be clumsy.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

JODIE: "No one's normal.

It just looks that way from across the street."

-This is your saying? -CHRISTOPHER: I guess so.

Uh, you know, it's just something

I pass around to the DTF community

to encourage people to care a little less about what the neighbors think.

That's why God invented PO boxes.

-HOMER: That's why what? -CHRISTOPHER: Okay.

Well, in these strip malls in the suburbs,

karate, tanning salons, Mail Boxes Etc.

-You ever been in one? -Sure.

What's in there?

PO boxes.

Yeah. All along the wall, PO boxes.

Now, do you ever wonder why all these normal people

who have homes out here need all these PO boxes?

♪ (MUSIC BUILDING) ♪

CHRISTOPHER: (WHISPERING) It's for privacy.

That's where all the dildos go, sir.

And other... Yeah, you know, you get it.

Yes.

That's where all the dildos go.

CHRISTOPHER: Mail Boxes Etc.

They should call it Dildos Etc.

Yeah, I never thought of that.

(ZIPPER OPENING)

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFYING) ♪

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

That's why Forrest stopped talking

-and asked for a lawyer. -Yes.

-(SIGHS) -JODIE: The Mail Box Etc. is just down the street.

Two-sixty. There you go. That's the one.

That's the box. No one's been paying the bill,

and no one's been in the last few months.

Two-sixty. That's the one.

Can you tell me the date of this owner's last payment?

-Before he stopped paying? -Yes.

-Okay. It'll take a minute. -Thank you.

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

(LOCK CLICKS)

♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪

♪ ("RAINY DAY IN JUNE" BY THE KINKS PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS)

♪ A misty shadow Spread its wings ♪

♪ And covered all the ground ♪

♪ And even though... ♪

She's gonna get a million dollars.

♪ The rain came pouring down ♪

JODIE: Well...

that's probably a motive, right?

For murder?

Yeah, Plumb, it sure is.

♪ There was no hope No reasoning ♪

♪ This rainy day in June ♪

♪ The eagle spread Its mighty wings... ♪

-MANAGER: Hello. -Hey.

MANAGER: How can I help you?

-Um... -MANAGER: Yes?

Can I...

Can I just check out a room for a detail?

♪ The cherished things Are perishing ♪

-♪ And buried in their tomb ♪ -(DOOR CLOSES)

♪ There is no hope No reasoning ♪

♪ This rainy day in June ♪

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

CAROL: Hey.

Morning.

Yeah, you suck.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

You should be.

You suck. Look at all those leaves

bunched up in the corner, pool boy.

-I'm new. -CAROL: Yeah, you can tell.

Why don't you come on inside?

I have some other tasks for you. We'll see how you do on those.

♪ The reckoning was beckoning ♪

Come on up, pool boy.

♪ They're living to their doom ♪

Yes, ma'am.

♪ There was no hope No reasoning ♪

-(DOOR OPENS) -♪ This rainy day in June... ♪

-CAROL: How old are you? -CLARK: I'm just 23.

CAROL: You got a lot to learn.

CLARK: I sure do.

(THUNDER ROARING)

-♪ Everybody felt the rain ♪ -♪ Everybody felt the rain ♪

-♪ Everybody felt the rain ♪ -♪ Everybody felt the rain ♪

-♪ Everybody felt the rain ♪ -♪ Everybody felt the rain ♪

♪ Everybody felt the rain ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (BROODING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪