Original subtitles

And if we go someplace to dance, I know that

there's a chance you won't be leaving with me.

And then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you.

Valentine's Day, Saint Valentine, patron saint of beekeepers, epilepsy,

fainting, the plague, and of course, love.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

Love, love,

love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.

Maybe I should send her a valentine.

She'd never know.

I'll radish you.

It's funny, witty, razor sharp.

She'll love it.

I won't.

I will.

I won't.

I will.

I have.

I've just sent a valentine to my best friend's wife.

Bye.

Try not to forget the not suppositories.

You take them orally.

Okay.

I'm here.

Get off you.

I am the balls of Bishop Autographer.

Hey, you're looking good.

For a man in a skirt.

Thank you, sweetie.

Bloody hell.

No taxis.

Hello, darling.

Hi.

Archie?

So, shall we?

Yes.

See you in court.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye.

Not now.

Move.

Ow, you're a genious.

Don't foast von that bastard ego.

So, did you like my valentine?

Oh, yeah.

Very sexy.

Sexy?

Well, of course.

It was from you.

It's delicious.

Have you tried some?

Feed me.

Okay.

Close your eyes.

Oh.

Close your two eyes.

Oh.

Radish!

You're Valentine, silly.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm really sorry.

I forgot to post it.

Then who sent this?

Oh, radish.

What a salad.

It was really sweet.

So, my baby sister's got a secret admirer.

It was a thing about root vegetables.

Darling, you're a beautiful woman and someone's got the hots for you.

Sam reckons it's one of my patients.

Hey, you could have a wild affair.

You haven't seen my patients.

Anyway, you think you've got problems?

Yeah, but they're all married.

Toby's single.

I never did understand your relationship with Toby.

By the way, I persuaded Henry to try some Viagra plus half an E.

Felicity, that's very dangerous.

It certainly is.

I've been walking like John Wayne ever since.

You tried it out on Sam yet?

We're fine.

Fine.

Oh, dear God, it's worse than I thought.

It's great.

Really.

Very nice.

Alice, anyone that thinks that screwing is nice is confusing sex with sewing.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

Oh.

Oh, nice plinth.

Would you like a sample?

I'd like the whole package.

It's our new line.

Anonymous.

A hint of mystery with a dark promise of forbidden excitement.

Just what you need, darling.

Bloody hell.

How long have you been at this thing?

It takes as long as it takes.

Yeah?

But then what?

Just want to see her sell again.

After that, who knows?

Maybe I'll just sit on the deck, a glass of whiskey in hand and watch the sun go down.

I don't know, mate.

You're a one-off.

You really are.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Your department, I believe.

Ah.

Few more than I said, I'm afraid.

Looks like Dan's on a fruit and nut diet.

You still need notes for Monday?

Sorry.

Hey, quick drink before you start.

You're not going home with your beautiful wife?

She's out on the piss with her beautiful sister.

Papa.

Oh, go on.

What do you say, eh?

Nah, I've got to get on with this, haven't I?

Mysterious.

Yeah.

You're slightly naughty for the femme fatale of today.

It's not me.

A single sniff turns tongue-tied boys into fluent, gunny linguists.

Oh, did Sam like your card?

Sposo.

Bit weird, really.

He said it was... sexy.

Sexy?

A picture of Marge Simpson?

Oh, bugger.

Maybe his other card was sexy.

What other card?

The one he's not telling you about, dummy.

He's obviously got a secret admirer, too.

Excuse me, your table's ready.

Hmm.

He would have told me when I showed him mine.

Darling, you're forgetting he's a man.

Well, you're a nurse, you should know.

They've got smaller brains than us.

So they can fit them into their penises.

I don't know why you sleep with so many men.

You obviously don't like them.

I like bits of them.

Not all married men are like your boyfriend, you know.

Oh, of course they are.

It's just a question of opportunity.

It's a question of trust.

If someone fancies you... If someone fancies Sam, he'd tell me straight away.

He would.

Okay.

Prove it.

I got one with nothing on it.

Must be from Henry, silent hype.

Come on.

Ten quid says he doesn't tell you.

A hundred says he does.

Deal.

So, you liked it then?

Henry.

Oh, so sweet.

I was just showing it to Alice.

Ooh.

Still attention.

Oh, can't you see?

You belong to me.

No!

No!

No!

No, please!

Please don't post it!

No!

Mum always said you got me into trouble.

Ah!

What?

Trying to remember the last time I saw you naked.

A little mystery never did any harm.

Hello, sexy.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Good morning.

The headlines at 8 o'clock.

Footballer Dan Harlow begins his final...

Ooh.

You all right?

Fine.

There'll be Martin.

Yeah?

Hi, Martin.

Look, your case is on the news.

...to get a glimpse of one of football's bright young players.

Dan Harlow is suing a major national newspaper for...

Yeah, listen, mate, I'll call you back.

...three-in-a-bed sex romps with a married couple.

Harlow's wife, actress Miranda Campbell, is conspicuously absent today.

Bristol's up-and-coming libel lawyer, Sam Holbrook, has taken the case,

but with the story backed by numerous photographs, observers here are

questioning the wisdom of bringing this case to court in the first place.

Oh.

I've got to run.

Bye, darling.

Bye.

Bye.

He even kept a lock of hair.

Good job Henry keeps that dog clean.

Anyway, this isn't upside.

What?

I'm 100 quid richer.

Repeat after me.

Felicity was right.

He just didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Well, it's not like he's gonna run off and have an affair or anything.

Sorry.

I'll prove it.

How?

I don't know.

I'll text him.

Something raunchy.

See if he responds.

He'll know it's from your phone.

I'll buy a new one.

And if he rings?

He won't ring.

I'll talk to him then.

And when he recognises your voice?

I'll be all sexy.

We won't know if it's here, right?

No.

No.

I'm all to the point.

What would you say?

You know, filthy things.

Alice, the nearest you get to filthy is gardening.

So what's it gonna be?

Come and play with my begonias?

Hello, Sam.

This is anonymous.

Would you like to prune my bush?

Actually, that's not bad.

Innocent, yet knowing, with just a hint of slapper.

Every man's perfect woman.

You know these guys.

Just a bit of fun, yeah?

Fun?

Any more fun like that and we'll lose the Yorkie contract.

Where the hell's Miranda?

The jury needs to see her supporting you.

Fair woman, mate.

It's what she does.

Eyebrows are blonky bad.

Me and my boyfriend Paul, we're both bisexual.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Just get double the fun that way.

Anyway, we get chatting to Dan in the bar and Paul asks him about being a gay icon.

Wonders if it goes any further than that.

So Dan says, why don't we go and find out?

So Mr Harlow invited you to his hotel?

Oh, that's a lie.

Dan ain't no chutney badger.

Flick, what underwear have you got on?

Alice, maybe you should think this through.

Anonymous doesn't think.

She does.

Talk about stamina.

First me, then Paul, then the two of us together.

He couldn't get enough of it.

And who took the photographs?

Them?

Well, me and Paul.

They like to keep a few souvenirs, you know?

Very valuable souvenirs.

Hey, it went like that.

We had a lovely time.

In the morning, Dan started calling us all sorts of names.

So we thought, stuff him.

It's going to be like that.

And he deserves all he gets.

Thank you.

No more questions, my love.

Mr Holbrooke?

Erm...

No questions, my love.

I haven't seen him for a while.

I'm feeling in a low There's nothing that can blow it away Martin.

The obstacles are putting up The struggle in my mind It might be important.

The smell.

Don't know what it is that gets me through Hundreds to do Hi, Martin.

What's up, mate?

Yeah, no problem.

I'll see you then.

You had your chance and you blew it.

How do you comfort a lonely heart?

How do you try to begin replacing all the past?

Oh, hi.

Breakfast is served.

Unfortunately, I've got to run.

Ooh, Archie's asked us round for dinner tonight.

Tonight?

I'm sorry.

Martin wants to go for some paperwork.

But you go, eh?

See you later.

Well, you ready, mate?

Do I get a discount for these silences?

Mr...

Sharp?

Yeah?

As Dan Harlow's personal manager, could you tell the court your

recollections of the evening of the 17th of June last year?

Yeah, well, er...

See, what with Miranda off working, I knew that Dan would be on his tod,

so I invited him round for a bit of nosebag.

You know, spag bol, can of lager, couple of games of snooker.

And then about half ten, well, he toodled off home.

Are you sure about the time?

Oh, yes.

See, Buffy was about to start and I'll never miss it.

LAUGHTER And how far is your home from the

hotel where the alleged incident took place?

100 miles, give or take.

So, for Mr Harlow to have been there by 11?

He would have needed a time machine.

Sorry, just on my way to lunch.

Anything?

Didn't text, didn't ring.

I was right, you were wrong.

Perfect husband.

Darling, I've had dozens of those.

God!

Oh, my God!

Thank you, thank you!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

You all right, mate?

Lunch.

This is fucking war.

Hang on, you obviously enjoy it.

That's not the point.

I had phone sex with my husband.

He had phone sex with a complete stranger.

I want his testicles on a plate.

Then I think I might use the cheese grater on his knob.

Some men will pay good money for that.

And give him a chilli powder enema.

That too.

Then I'll cut off his foreskin and feed it to the cat.

Oh, thank you, Alice.

I only come here for the scenery.

Mr Sharp.

Yep.

You're president of the Railway Restoration Society, aren't you?

Yeah, childhood passion of mine, that.

Steam trains.

Choo-choo.

So you probably remember this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's me.

That's when I was guest of honour.

Your honour.

There's a clock in the photograph.

What time does it read?

10.20.

And what does that banner above your head say?

Railway Restoration Society dinner.

June...

the 17th...

of 2012.

Order.

Putting your stupid heads together and deciding to lie in the row.

That's not only perjury.

That's conspiracy to pervert the course of fucking justice.

All right.

Listen, listen.

He didn't do it.

Yeah, right.

And your mother, Teresa.

She wasn't there.

Dan, you're holding something back.

You've got to help us out.

We're struggling here.

Tell him.

OK.

Well, you know Miranda, right?

The invisible wife.

Sam, please.

Look, before the story broke, she told me she was pregnant.

But now she's saying she doesn't want to raise a child with someone like me.

I don't know.

I don't know.

She means everything to me, mate.

He loves her.

He has even got Miranda Forever tattooed on his arse.

Hip?

Arse.

Hip?

Arse.

Cliff!

That is your arse.

Cliff.

Why don't you go and get us some coffee, huh?

Thank you.

Arse.

Go on, Dan.

Look.

Look, when all this crap came out, she went ballistic.

Tried to say it wasn't me, but with all the pictures in the papers and everything.

..

So that's why you went along with Cliff's story?

So, Dan, what were you doing that night?

Nothing.

I was at home alone while Miranda was out filming.

Flick, what do men look for in a woman?

Delia Smith in the kitchen and Heidi Fleiss in the bedroom?

I think I'm a bit too Delia in the bedroom.

Boring.

Why doesn't Sam call me and talk dirty?

Because I'm too Alice.

Or maybe...

Maybe what?

Maybe he did know.

Just playing along.

Do you really think so?

Yeah.

But two can play at that game, can't they?

That's you sorted for the next few nights.

Bollocks!

I'm supposed to be alone!

You have no watches!

Bye.

Hello, Martin.

Oh, God, I've missed you.

Hello, Laura.

It's all work and no play with Sam.

Ooh!

Careful!

That's a hundred-quid bottle of wine.

Pinched it from Sam's cellar.

Here, let me.

One of the more useful things I learnt at college.

Oh!

Sorry, sorry.

Oh!

Oh!

Sorry!

I'm sorry.

A cock on lips now?

I thought you liked romantic comedies.

It's research.

A new surgery the practice want me to run.

How to maintain a healthy sex life in monogamous relationships.

Excellent.

I hate to tell you this, but I don't think these reflect reality too much.

Don't forget, I stay hard all night.

I stay hard all night.

I told you they don't reflect reality.

Oh, my God, that's Jenny Clough.

Who?

Jenny Clough.

Had a thing about Sam at uni.

Christian fundamentalist.

Oh, my God!

Let's put it on.

Let's watch it.

Come on.

What's got into you tonight?

I think you know.

God, it was great, wasn't it?

The whole phone sex thing.

You had phone sex?

With another woman?

No.

Did I?

But I thought it was you.

Why would it be me?

Who else would it be?

I don't know.

Maybe it was your wife.

Catty, I think I want to recognize my own wife.

Besides, Alice could never be that.

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

Such a fantastic painting, can't you?

Hmm?

You can't make me jealous.

I mean, you.

Worse get jealous.

Not lovers.

Shh!

Get down on your knees!

You can't get much more fundamental than that.

She was always going on about eternal punishment.

Hang on.

Wasn't she a vegetarian?

Can blowjobs really get you off a speeding ticket?

Always worked for me.

Have you done that?

She's a contortionist.

So is he, by the looks of things.

Can't you do that?

You're funny.

That's funny.

Oh.

Um.

Coffee?

Archie, what turned you on?

I mean, generally.

What was it about Beth that really got you going?

That she'd have me.

Did she dominate you in the bedroom?

Did she dominate me?

She dominated me all over the house.

Just trying to find out what men look for in a woman.

A pulse.

Actually, there was one time that...

Beth phoned me in the middle of the day and I was at work.

And she told me that she wasn't wearing any knickers.

And that evening we went out for dinner.

And, you know, knowing that we both knew it.

And I was wearing a pair of very tight jeans.

And I couldn't walk.

You know what they say about, you know, the perfect woman?

A blind, nymphomaniac heiress who lives above a pub.

With big tits, obviously.

What would I do without you?

Flick?

I think I've been going about this the wrong way.

Are you listening?

Flick?

Darling, can we talk about this tomorrow?

Oh!

What a beautiful view, you are.

Darling, I'm really swamped here.

What a radiant sun, you are.

No, no, no, please.

Please, no.

You didn't even notice the average.

That thing Flick gave you.

I thought you said it was itchy.

Can't you hear that all I want is... Sam, I'm afraid.

What a beautiful view, you are.

Come here, silly.

Don't you...

I'm just a bit snowed under right now, yeah?

Hmm?

What incredible skies...

What incredible skies...

So what about that fancy pad you two bought?

Where was it?

Oh, I'm getting rid of it.

Are you crazy?

Must have loads of pulling power.

You would know if you'd ever bothered to come round and have a look.

You got to romance.

Flowers taken for dinner.

Women like surprises.

Oh, shit, fuck, bollocks.

You all right, mate?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

What are you doing?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

So, um... Yeah?

When was the last time you surprised Alice?

That's different.

We were married.

You know what they say about married women.

They're always fantasising about other men.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

It doesn't mean anything.

I'm just saying.

Hey.

You may have seen her first, but I was the one who asked her out.

Remember.

Hi.

Hi, darling.

Hi.

Oh, what have you done?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a... Inside.

Now.

Do you remember when we were students and we went to that karaoke party?

We both got so drunk, we ended up saying we

were gonna go to Japan and climb Mount Fuji.

Japan.

We were going everywhere that night.

Yeah.

Well, guess what?

I've been asked to go to Japan.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's a new law firm in Tokyo.

Partner.

Oh.

We'd really miss you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, listen, I've been thinking.

He obviously knows Anonymous is really me.

He just doesn't want to break the spell.

A secret meeting could be exciting.

Exciting?

I'm going to blindfold him.

Alice, I really don't think you've thought this through.

Flick, I have.

Why can't you be a bit more supportive?

Because I don't want to see you fuck up your marriage.

And of course, fucking up marriages isn't something you'd know anything about.

Yeah, well, at least none of my men are lying to me.

Hey, if I don't get hold of you soon, I might have to do some DIY.

You're like dog on heat.

What is it?

That woman again?

Yes.

She sent me a note.

Wants to meet tonight.

Yeah.

I'll throw it away.

Come on.

Expensive perfume.

Are you going?

Of course not.

What are you taking me for?

Cheating, love rat.

You're cheating, love rat?

Huh?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh.

You're so cute when you're scared.

You know what?

I don't own you.

It's your life.

If you want to go, you go.

I'm not going.

Okay?

Hello.

Just tell me when.

I'll text you.

I'll text you when I'm done there.

Oh, come on.

I'll be right with you.

I used to be a little crazy about this.

I need to keep this.

Yes, it is.

It's a game, I'm telling you.

Are you sure you're not going to remain in the dark for this long?

I'm not.

No, no.

I'm going to be good.

I'm not breaking my heart.

I'm not breaking it.

I'm just going to get some rest.

Kind of.

What's her name?

Anona... Bella.

Anona Bella?

She's South African.

We just call her Bella.

Right.

Can she not use your place?

No.

No.

Sam wouldn't approve.

So Sam doesn't know?

I promised not to tell him.

What's to tell?

It's not like I've ever met this Anona Bella, is it?

No.

You'd have remembered her.

She's very... sexy.

I've always thought so.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Are you sure?

This is my last favour.

I promise.

I don't want anything to do with it, okay?

It's shopping.

I can't.

I wanna go to the devil.

I wanna be evil.

I wanna spit tanks.

I wanna be evil.

And cheetah jacks.

I wanna be wicked.

I wanna tell lies.

I wanna be mean.

And throw my pies.

I wanna be...

I wanna be evil.

I wanna be mad.

Thanks, Frank.

You're great.

Are you sure you want to do this?

It's gonna work.

I notice.

I wanna be wicked.

I wanna tell lies.

Now, there's just one more thing.

Hi there.

Go on.

Um, she's also Brazilian.

Get down.

On your knees.

Bastard.

It's part of the game.

Don't you want to play?

Of course.

No.

I

feel so excited.

Get on your knees.

Touch me.

You looked amazing in court today.

You must

be out of the box.

Hey.

Hello?

It's mine.

Pocky?

Bitch.

Once more and I'll fucking kill you.

My friend says thank you.

Come on.

Sam's having an affair.

Sam is?

Are you sure?

She made it perfectly clear.

I don't know what to say.

I mean...

How could he do that?

How could he... I'm going to call him right now.

No, please, Archie, don't say anything.

I just need to deal with this in my own way.

Maybe it's my fault.

Don't say that.

Don't say that.

It's not your fault.

What am I going to do?

I don't want to lose my marriage.

Look, I know there's...

Sometimes men, they can... They can separate sex and love.

They can.

That's comforting.

He does love you.

Yesterday, I would have believed that.

He obviously doesn't find me attractive anymore.

I mean, God, when I think about it...

I mean, where has he really been all those times?

Late nights in chambers, dinners with clients.

I feel so...

Oh, what right has he got?

What's she got that I haven't?

Well...

Don't be silly.

Alice, don't be silly.

You...

are gorgeous.

Really, really gorgeous.

Then why doesn't he want me?

Because he's stupid.

MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC FADES MUSIC FADES MUSIC FADES MUSIC FADES MUSIC FADES MUSIC FADES

She was all tall and sexy and exotic.

Or Russian or something.

God, don't you just hate that?

And a bit painty.

Painty?

I don't know.

Maybe she was a decorator or something.

You know the worst thing?

There was Sam on his knees in front of me and there was this...

I can't describe it.

Intense desire.

He used to feel that way about me.

He's not there any more unless he thinks I'm someone else.

Look, maybe you should think about getting out.

I hate to say this, but if he's having an affair, men like that don't change.

And I kissed Archie.

What?

Tongues.

I feel like it was everything.

Tongues, lips, hands.

What have I done?

I mean, Archie's the last person in the world I'd want to hurt.

Doesn't sound very painful to me.

He sounds rather scrumptious.

That was the point.

It was so...

Anyway, it wasn't me that kissed him.

It was anonymous.

MUSIC FADES Ugh.

..

Sarah... Morning, Sam.

Morning.

All right, Archie?

Hey, are you pissed in your porridge?

Mr Webb!

Can I conclude that what you're saying is that

these pictures have been digitally enhanced?

Yes, a certain minor element of the picture have been...

A simple yes or no will suffice.

So, according to Mr Webb here, We can no longer assume that these

pictures that the defendants claim were taken on the night in question relate in

any way to the events they supposedly portray.

Mr. Webb, could you outline for us exactly

where you have identified digital enhancement?

Well, a couple of them have been flipped to improve the composition.

The most noticeable change is here, just at the edge.

The bedside lamp has been removed.

The most significant change, you said.

And have you been able to identify any alterations to the persons in the photographs?

Er... no.

Not really.

None, in fact.

None?

Thank you, Mr. Webb.

Great, I'm being hung out to dry here, and I'm getting nothing from you.

Sam, don't start with me, OK?

Look, let's face it, we're stuffed already.

So unless you can come up with something very quickly, I'm putting Dan on the stand.

And where's that going to get us?

Sympathy.

It's damaging him.

It's limitation time.

For me.

I've got it.

I'm going to win him back.

What?

No, don't you see?

When Sam finds out I'm anonymous, he's going to have a wife and a mistress in one.

He's never going to want to stray again.

Sorry, Dan.

You're stuffed.

Wait a minute.

Hip.

Ass.

Hip.

Ass.

What do you want?

I have to see you.

I'll text you.

Come on.

Come on.

That must be.

That must be.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, Alice.

Hi.

About last night...

I'm sorry.

I was, you know, I should never have... With you being so upset about... No.

You don't have to apologise.

I knew you were just trying to make me feel...

Yeah, I know, but I was completely out of order and I'm so sorry.

Me too.

Archie, I couldn't borrow that key again, could I?

For my friend.

Alice, you don't have to lie to me.

Sauce for the goose, right?

I didn't say that.

But you're still gonna sneak off with some pathetic little fuck...

with some fuck-knows-who in dear old Archie's fucking apartment.

Look.

Look.

If Sam really loves you and you really love him...

then stop pissing about and be with him.

Stay with him.

But if you don't, then just... Archie, please.

No.

No.

I've had enough.

For you?

Sex bomb?

Love rat.

How sweet.

Bastard!

Fucking bastard!

You're my fucking bag of shit!

What have I done?

What have you done?

You saw her.

You saw Anonymous.

Catch her, darling.

I wouldn't even... You liar.

I followed you.

I saw you go in and ten minutes later I saw her come out.

You saw her?

Yes.

What does she look like?

What does she look like?

You nasty little rodent.

Hey.

Come on.

What could I have done in ten minutes?

Fuck her ten times.

Go away.

Fuck off.

Go.

Go and don't come back.

You don't mean that.

I mean it.

Catty.

Sweetheart.

I'd be lost without you.

I bet her and you's bum are going to bite if not yours.

The truth.

Right?

Yeah.

I did see her but for ten minutes.

And you know why?

Why?

Because that's how long it took to tell her.

Exactly what I thought about being stalked.

Stoked.

Oh yeah.

She's a fucking loony.

Are you lying to me?

You know what I wish?

I wish it could be just the two of us.

No Wallace.

No Stoker.

Just you and me.

Don't you think I don't want that too, huh?

Listen.

This case will be over soon.

And when it is, big surprise coming your way.

Promise.

All rise.

Millard.

May I approach the bench?

Your honour.

I must deeply apologise but it seems neither

my client nor my solicitor have yet arrived.

And with your permission, may I request a brief

adjournment as I attempt to locate their whereabouts?

Sam.

Sam.

You've got a slight sight.

I'm putting Dan on the stand.

No, no, no.

You don't understand.

Sam.

Sam.

This isn't Dan.

As you can see, your honour, they have arrived.

Now, may I request your permission to call Daniel Harlow to the stand.

Sorry I'm late.

What?

No.

No.

No.

No.

Oh, bugger me backwards.

Don't be stupid.

It weren't Danny in the photographs.

It was a bloody look-a-like, weren't it?

You bastard.

Sorry, Dan, sorry.

You bastard.

You've cost me money, you have.

Well, you could have come forward sooner.

I know, I know, man.

But, you know, don't want a wife finding out now, did I?

Do you know what I mean?

But as soon as your man came forward and told me

about your bed, I figured I'd better come clean.

So, how did you do it?

The photograph of Eve flipped, right?

So, actually, it was his left hip that was showing.

Left hip, but no tattoo.

Archie, you're good.

Don't give me that.

You were gonna put him on the stand and we made him a promise.

I didn't.

Bollocks.

Listen, Archie, I've got a lunch.

Actually, I need you to go over some of my notes with me, please.

I win the case?

You do the paperwork, huh?

Besides, my head's somewhere else right now?

Yeah.

Up your arse.

Oh, Sam.

Do you remember this?

Thing.

Who

are-Just like you remember.

It was you, won't you?

Seems this is the first one.

I'm

thinking if we bring him to someone's place, it'll be easier.

God, letting go completely could be so amazing.

I'll do anything for you.

Anything.

That's all.

Take off your blindfold.

Oh, wait.

I want this feeling to last.

I want you to see who I am.

No.

Listen.

I've never set eyes on you, but I know.

I'm in love with you.

I mean, God, I've said that a million times before,

but suddenly I realise I've never really meant it.

It's never been like this.

Not with Katja.

She's just sex.

And Alice?

Yes?

Alice is nothing compared to you.

She's nothing compared to you.

Bollocks!

Couldn't stay away, eh?

Put it on.

Laurette.

Fuck!

Come on, Laurette.

Take me.

Yes?

No, it's wrong number.

No, it's not Sam's phone.

Someone, Sam.

Yes.

What's going on?

I'm gonna kill that slut.

I'm going to nail your scrotum to the ceiling!

Open the door!

Jubiler for rinse!

Jubiler!

Cleaning Lady.

Come here.

Open the door.

What?

Stop staring at me!

Open the fucking door!

Anonymous.

One million pounds.

Mr Shah.

Yes!

This case may be over, but there is another matter outstanding.

Arrest this man for perjury.

I'll back off!

And contempt.

What?

Go bollocks!

And resisting arrest.

I did it, Archie.

I did it.

Yeah, that's right.

You did it.

You won.

Yes.

This is the most perfect day of my life.

And that is the perfect woman.

Son, you married the perfect woman.

Joe

has had a great result in court today.

His barrister, Sam Holbrook, looks set to

become a major player in the Premier League.

These monstrous lies could have wrecked a talented young man's marriage.

Lies are the cancer in our society.

And it is our job to know.

Our duty to expose them in every walk of life.

The Holbrook home for compulsive lies.

Thank you.

No.

Double glazing isn't a big priority for me right now.

Too sexy for my shirt.

Too sexy for my shirt.

So sexy it hurts.

And I am too sexy for Milan.

Too sexy for Milan.

And then, New York and...

Alice?

Alice?

You okay?

It's me.

Alice?

Ouch!

Gotcha.

What are you doing here?

Did you do this?

Where is Alice?

Where is Alice?

Have you lost your mind?

I'm telling her about us.

And Anonymous.

Darling.

What did you call her?

Ketchup.

My wife, Alice.

Alice.

Alice.

Catch her.

Junior Clark.

Hello.

I'm not a Junior Clark.

And she's not your wife.

She is Anonymous.

I want to see Alice.

You've just been introduced.

She's Anonymous.

I saw her.

You're just being ridiculous.

Darling.

Remember this.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Really, I am...

I had no idea.

It was all so... Exciting.

Dangerous.

Dirty.

Sexy.

Yeah.

It was.

You were... I was cheated on.

You couldn't give a shit, could you?

It doesn't matter who you shag.

You even cheated on your mistress.

What kind of bastard does that make you, Sam?

But...

Now we've...

We've found each other again.

You don't get it at all, do you?

I found you ages ago.

You only found me when you were cheating on me.

Why?

What does it make me?

How does it make me?

I fought to stay with you because I loved you...

And I stayed with you today.

You...

I've gone off married, ma'am.

Oh, my God.

Archie, you're such a fool.

Hello.

Hello.

Alice.

Hello, Alice.

Hello.

Right, OK.

I knew that Bella wasn't really...

I mean, I knew that you were having an affair with your...

Oh, for God's sake, I'll take care of it.

It's the newspaper.

Erm...

Erm... Erm...

No, listen.

I never realised what you... I mean, I thought you... But here was me thinking...

Archie... You see, I know Bella wasn't really a person.

And I just assumed it was only natural, really.

Archie... And I was just so... I thought you had someone else.

I didn't think for a minute that you were...

Well...

With Sam.

I mean, I know you were with Sam, but not...

With Sam.

I couldn't stand the fact that you hadn't chosen me for your affair.

Archie...

I don't do affairs.

And even if I did, I wouldn't choose you.

Oh.

You're my friend.

Yeah, of course.

And I wouldn't want to do anything to spoil that.

No, no, me neither.

Are you OK?

OK.

OK?

Dear Alice, I would have come round to say goodbye,

but I've been busy getting the book finished.

And to be absolutely honest, I've been avoiding you.

Because once I knew you'd never feel the same way about me as I do about you,

the decision was easy.

I don't think I can face the thought of bumping into you anymore.

And I think it's time I had a real adventure.

I've tried really hard, Alice, believe me.

But I just can't seem to get you out of my heart.

Love always, Archie.

P.S.

Glad you liked the radishes.

Anything interesting?

And you're still here because...

Archie!

Archie!

Archie!

You all right there?

Where's the man who owns the boat?

Used to own it.

He sold it to me.

Sold it?

Why?

Flying's quicker, I guess.

Where's he gone?

Oh, Japan.

Yeah, he took a job there.

He helped me cast it off.

Next time I turned around, he was gone.

Afraid of missing his train, I suppose.

3 is the 1924 service to London Paddington calling at Bath, Swindon, Deacombe.

7 is the delayed 1856 to Exeter... Shit!

Oh, please, I really have to... Get a ticket.

Over there.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, love.

You'll have to join the queue like everyone else.

Could you just let me in?

I just need a ticket.

Thanks.

You'll be waiting.

Thank you.

Please, I really have to... Tickets!

What?

Such a shit.

Not you.

Peter, did that last announcement come out?

Yeah, that sounded fine.

It went well.

Where's Jill?

I'm leaving at half past.

Oh, do you not hear?

She's cold and sick.

No.

I've been stuck in this booth for bloody hours.

And I'm the replacement.

You can't go in there.

She's locked the door.

I'll unlock it.

I can't.

She's got the key.

There.

Archie!

No!

Please!

Please open the door.

No!

Snap!

Hold me in there.

I'll do that.

I'll sprint out to him.

Archie!

Archie!

Archie Gray!

Please don't go!

Hey, come out of there!

Shut up, will you?

Just shut up!

Where's the past key?

Is it there?

Please don't go!

Archie, Archie!

Archie!

I've got to go!

To Tokyo!

Yes.

Please open the door.

Listen to me!

Oh, ballocks!

Bloody hell.

Archie!

Testing!

Come out of there now!

I won't be long.

It's a security announcement.

All unattended items of baggage will be transferred to the security room.

The train will be removed and destroyed by the security services.

Archie, this is Alice.

The leaves on platform 4 are the snowy conditions due to an industrial dispute.

Please ensure you keep your personal belongings

in ex-exitus payments and did not cause problems.

The train on platform 7, 7, 9, 9 and 10 will

be removed and destroyed by a single failure.

Archie, Archie, you bloody idiot, vet off the darking grey.

Vet off the darking grey.

Vet off the darking grey.

No!

No!

It's not that woman!

Alice?

Alice?

Could

everybody listen, please?

Everyone here has been in love for at least once, right?

I love you.

Does this mean I'm another chance then?

Take me home and radish me.

One kiss is all it takes to show her how you feel.

Two clicks of her slender fingers and you'll run straight to heel.

It's not so complicated.

But that's it.

That's the truth about love.

Three twists on your hugging arm and you're married, yes indeed.

Four parents is what you get, that's two more than you need.

So often fabricated.

But that's that.

That's the truth about love.

Five minutes is all you get to yourself once a week.

Six kids is what you get when you find it hard to sleep.

Nights can be so entertaining.

That's the truth.

That's the truth about love.

Seven shopping trips a month and guess who gets the bill?

Eight lawyers and solicitors to help you write a will.

It's all financial and draining.

But that's it.

That's the truth about love.

Nine lives you hope you get to live it all again.

Ten to one I'd like to bet you wouldn't change a thing.

For all of your life.

You're complaining.

That's that.

That's the truth about love.

Got its highs.

Got its lows.

That's the truth about love.