Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Members of the press. Thank you.

Can we could we hold the work on the ballroom, please?

I'm delighted to be here today.

As some of you know, I'm about to go on maternity leave.

That's when you tell President Trump

about your maternity, and he says leave.

But before I go, I'd like to introduce

a man who just finished

absolutely owning the Dems in his congressional testimony.

The man, the myth, the liability.

Pete Hegseth.

cut the track.

Cut it.

And yeah, this is a Scotch.

I said I'd have just one.

He'd go for the baby.

Okay.

Now listen up, dingbat.

Okay.

As you might have seen on our sick ass TikTok,

we've been bombing stuff, doing sick air raids.

This war has been a movie.

Specifically the never ending story

we've hit.

I ran with everything we've got missiles, bombs,

drones and twins.

But now we're in a cease fire.

Wink.

Which is why I have time to come talk to you.

But munchies.

So. All right, dumb questions go.

Yeah.

When you recited that Bible verse from Pulp Fiction

about vengeance and furious anger,

did you know it was fake?

And it wasn't really in the Bible?

Yeah.

But also, I do

believe that someday it will be

in Bible two.

Electric Bible two.

Now, I'm not going to apologize because I wear my religion

on my sleeve. Literally.

I have a tattoo on my forearm of Jesus choking out

Jimmy Kimmel.

Next.

Yeah.

Is it true that

you've already spent $25 billion in taxpayer dollars?

Is it true you suck.

I'm just trying to get an estimate of what you think

the total cost of this war will be, I don't know.

I guess I could put it in terms like a theater kid.

Like you would understand.

525,600 billion.

Ruff, ruff.

You just got dog walked

next.

What about reports that U.S.

military facilities have been badly damaged?

Exactly how many bases have been hit?

More bases than you've ever hit.

Virgin.

And you want to see a base that's been badly damaged.

Check out your mom after she's done riding Pete's Dragon.

In summary, war is awesome.

Okay.

Everyone's always asking me when this war going to be over.

That's like asking when is sex going to be over?

Answer when the man is done.

Yeah, you.

But President Trump himself just declared that the war is over.

Okay. Yeah.

When he says it, it's cool.

And to quote another thing, he says you're fired.

I don't work for you.

You know what? You're right.

You're actually not working for me.

Two brunet, not enough filler.

And what are those pickups?

One is.

Yeah.

Now, look, I'd love to stay here.

Keep dunking on your weak asses.

But someone else wants to come.

Say hello before. He's almost certainly fired.

Director of the FBI, Mr.

Kash Patel.

What up?

What up?

It's K Dot, aka Kash with the K, aka

the most effective FBI director this country has ever had,

Kash Patel.

Now, after the attempted

assassination of President Trump, another one.

We conducted an investigation

that could not have been more thorough.

We dotted every t and bulged every eye.

And for

those of you saying I'm doing a bad job running the FBI.

Well, what if I told you this agency is only six weeks away

from pinpointing the exact location of Osama bin laden?

You guys should not be reporting the lies in the gossip.

You should be reporting

on the historic nature of my appointment.

I am a trailblazer.

I'm the first Indian person to suck at their job.

Hey, everyone says Indian

people are smart, hardworking, incredibly intelligent.

I prove

without a shadow of a doubt that we can be just as incapable

and incompetent as the whites.

Okay.

Questions? Yeah. You little shorty.

Are you nervous about reports that Trump is angry with you?

Hell, no.

President Trump loves me.

Everybody loves me.

Even the Correspondents Dinner shooter said kill everyone.

But Mr. Patel.

You get a shout out like that in the psychos manifesto.

You must be doing something right.

Okay.

Is it true that you, the director of the FBI,

was locked out of your own email account?

That's just more lies.

I've always been

able to log into my email, except for a brief 36 hour

period of time when I forgot I had changed my password

to catch me outside. 69

and I.

Can I ask about your drinking?

What about it?

I was actually talking to Mr.

Patel.

Oh, awesome.

Let me be clear.

This FBI director has never been drunk or hungover on the job.

This FBI director has never filled a 40 ounce travel mug

with ice cold gin and a swirl of dry vermouth and six

lemon peels and called it a cash tinny.

This FBI director has never used taxpayer dollars

to take a private jet to fly him and his girlfriend

to three different Buffalo Wild Wings

locations across the country

to see if they could taste the difference.

And this FBI director has definitely not stood

on top of the couch at the VIP room of Tao nightclub,

an Asian bistro and shouted, who wants the nuclear codes?

JK? I ain't got em.

And beyond that,

I just have one more thing to say.

Live From New York.

It's Saturday night.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST OLIVIA

RODRIGO.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- OLIVIA

RODRIGO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

It is seriously a dream to be hosting tonight.

I grew up watching this show, and they say your favorite

SNL cast is the one you watched as a teenager.

So mine is Mikey Day,

Sarah Sherman, Kenan Thompson, and Chloe Fineman

and they all came back this week

just to cheer me on how sweet it was.

Anyway, I have a new album out next month.

Thank you.

My last two albums were called Sour and Guts,

and this new one is called

You Seem Pretty Sad for a Girl So in Love I learn more words.

Guys.

Oh, and, you may not know this, but before I was Olivia

Rodrigo, the singer, I was actually Olivia Rodrigo.

The child actor.

And I was six.

I had my first ever acting job in an Old Navy commercial.

Can we show the clip?

>> SUMMER SIZZLING DRESSES, $50!

[ CHEERS ]

Yeah.

Pretty sweet. Pretty sweet.

They cut my line, though.

I'm not sure why, but, I managed to get the full footage.

>> SUMMER SIZZLING DRESSES, $50!

>> HEY, THAT'S NOT MY REAL MOM,

I WANT TO GO TO THE GAP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

And I'm not sure why they cut that.

Then when I was 13,

I was on a Disney show called Aardvark, and, we.

We had an incredible cast, which included acting legends

Jake Paul, and, we'd always talk about our futures.

Me and Jake.

I'd say I really want to create music that explores

the complexities of girls my age.

And he'd say, well, one day

I really want to beat up old guys on Netflix.

And we both did it.

Hooray!

These last few years I've been touring my albums,

which has been so incredible.

There are so many highs on tour,

connecting with fans, visiting new cities.

And there was one, notable low.

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS FUN, I'M

OKAY!

[ LAUGHTER ]

That wasn't fun.

And I wasn't okay.

You know, a lot has changed for me

since my first single, driver's license,

which was about the biggest

event in my life when I was a teenager.

And now that I'm older,

I decided to write a new song about the most recent big event

in my adult life, and I really hope it speaks to you.

I got my real I.D.

last week.

Showed up at the DMV.

I sat there waiting 14 hours with nine forms to prove it's

me. They finally called my number T107632.

And I approached the lady.

She says I don't have what I need.

She said my ideas in real.

Well, then why did you give it to me?

The lady said you need a pay stub.

I said, what the hell is that? I'm 23.

And I know I'm not perfect,

but I've never been so mad at someone.

This lady wants my passport, my W-2.

I'm my first born son.

My cat spell my body count, bra size.

How long will this be?

And she said forever.

So I'll just use my old fake I.D..

We have got a great show for you tonight.

I'm here, so stick around. We'll be right back.

You're watching Pluto TV.

Home of your favorite classic shows now.

It's the 1983 nighttime drama edge of Destiny.

Marguerite, what on earth are you doing here?

You weren't invited to the champagne bowl.

But of course I was. Diana, your son asked me himself.

And that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Marguerite, you're not to see Robin anymore.

Not today, not ever.

You see, I don't want my son interacting with trash.

Excuse me. After everything I've done for this family.

What are you.

I'll so back.

Oh, I want my vertigo on.

Diana.

No, no.

Marguerite!

What in heaven's name did you do?

Robin. I don't know what happened.

Your mother was telling me these. These lies when she lies.

What did she say? Yeah.

She said you were calling off the engagement.

It was life, wasn't it, Robin?

I'm sorry.

Marguerite. I lose the house.

My inheritance. He threw me away for money.

You bastard! Oh!

Proving that you stand up.

Miss Stapleton, begging your pardon, ma'am.

May I have a word with you? Oh, yes.

Step away from the stone. I'm sorry, miss, there's no time.

I'm Jonas, the family attorney.

We're prepared

to make you a generous offer of $500

to leave the premises and never speak to young Reuben again.

But you must sign here. No, no. I never signed such a thing.

Not now, not ever.

Whoa, whoa, now be careful. My legs are beyond easy.

I'm standing in front of these stairs.

Oh, no. Oh!

Oh, no!

Mercy!

Oh, no. No!

Marguerite, did you just push that dapper

old dandy down the stairs?

And why is there a pile of bodies down there?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Station.

Randall, what are you doing here?

Oh, we're taking Leopold

to the terrace for his afternoon, and we.

No one informed us there would be a collection of

trash by the stairway.

How dare you!

I should. Excuse me, ma'am.

I have this, tower of champagne flutes.

Where do you think the master worked?

Oh, my goodness.

Clarence.

No

Oh. Oh, look, I stopped myself.

Oh! Thank goodness. Clarence.

Are you all right? Clarence?

You just fell down so many stairs.

Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Oh, no. Wait there. I'm not.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Hi, Monty. You stay here.

It was you who told Reuben about my past.

It was you who asked Diana to end the engagement.

You're mad.

I would never confess. Confess or Leopold.

Guess who.

Leopold. You wouldn't dare try me. Oh!

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Who's the trash now?

Well, well, well, I suppose there's

no one left to inherit the house after all.

Now, who has the last laugh?

I do, bitch.

Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I'VE GOT THE

PERFECT BEDROOM

I'VE GOT THE

PERFECT BED ♪

♪ I'VE GOT A PURPLE PHONE

WITH A CURLY CORD

RIGHT BESIDE MY HEAD ♪

♪ I'VE GOT A LAVA LAMP

AND BOY BAND POSTERS

ON THE WALL ♪

♪ I'VE GOT A BEANBAG CHAIR

AND I'VE GOT A DISCO BALL ♪

♪ I'VE GOT MY

GLOW-IN-THE-DARK STARS

ON THE CEILING ♪

♪ GOT MY MOOD RING

THAT TELLS ME HOW

I'M FEELING ♪

♪ I'VE GOT A TV

BUILT-IN VHS ♪

♪ I LOVE MY BEDROOM

IT'S THE BEST ♪

♪ THE ONLY PROBLEM IS

I'M IN A ZOO

ON THE BUG PEOPLE PLANET ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ A ZOO ON THE BUG PEOPLE

PLANET ♪

♪ EVERY DAY

WHEN THE SUN COMES UP

THE BUG PEOPLE COME

AND LOOK AT ME ♪

♪ THEY LET THE ZOO MEMBERS

COME IN FIRST

AND THE OLDER BUGS GET IN

FOR FREE ♪

♪ THEY WATCH ME THROUGH

MY BOY BAND POSTERS

BEADY EYES ALL IN A ROW ♪

♪ THEN SIT ON BLEACHERS

WHILE I USE THE TOILET

WHEN I FLUSH THEY CLAP

LIKE IT'S THE DOLPHIN SHOW ♪

♪ I LOVE MY PERFECT BEDROOM

AND I KNOW IT'S AN

ARTIFICIAL HUMAN

HABI -- HABI -- HABITAT ♪

♪ IN A CAVE ON

THE BUG PEOPLE PLANET

PLANET PLANET THAT

MADE A ROOM FOR ME ♪

♪ I NEVER FELT SO FREE

THERE'S A BUG

WHO ALWAYS PROTESTS ♪

♪ I CAN TELL HE'S GOT

A BIG HEART ♪

♪ ONCE A BABY FELL

IN MY ROOM

AND THEY SHOT ME

WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART ♪

♪ NOW I DON'T HAVE A LOT

OF MOVIES

"A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN"

IS THE ONLY ONE ♪

♪ AND THEY COULDN'T

GET A REAL COPY

SO THEY HAD TO MAKE

A BUG-PEOPLE ONE ♪

>> THERE'S NO CRYING IN

EARTHBALL.

>> I THINK THEY DID A REALLY

GOOD JOB.

♪ EVERY NIGHT WHEN

THE BUGS GO HOME

I'M LEFT IN MY ROOM

AND I'M ALL ALONE ♪

♪ I STARE AT THE STARS

AND THINK OF MY FATE

AND THAT'S WHEN THEY

BRING ME A POTENTIAL MATE ♪

>> HI, I'M ALAN.

NOT QUITE SURE HOW I GOT HERE,

BUT I -- I THINK THEY WANT US TO

REPRODUCE.

>> NO.

>> TOTALLY.

I'M NOT READY EITHER.

WE'LL GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER

FIRST, THEN REPRODUCE.

>> NOT INTERESTED.

>> MAKES SENSE.

WELL, NICE MEETING YOU.

OH, HERE COMES THE CLAW.

>> WE TRIED, BUDDY.

>> WHAT NOW?

A LIFE OF LUXURY IN THE ROYAL

PALACE?

♪ I LOVE MY PERFECT BEDROOM

AND I KNOW IT'S AN

ARTIFICIAL HUMAN

HABI -- HABI -- HABITAT ♪

♪ IN A CAVE ON

THE BUG PEOPLE PLANET

PLANET PLANET THAT

MADE A ROOM FOR ME ♪

♪ I NEVER FELT SO FREE ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I said because you're silly. No, that's not true.

Are y'all Rhett and Bev here? Live on shop TV?

Bev got some good news during the break.

Okay.

The judge denied her daughter's

petition to be legally emancipated.

Oh, kiss my ass, Kayla, I got you for two more years.

You know what's punk in your life?

It's like this.

When she found out she was moonwalking

like Michael Jackson. Do your moonwalk.

There you go. Okay. Oh. You're laughing.

I know. All right, coming up.

The most talented man in Christianity returns.

Tim Tucker needs here selling his Christian White book series.

Nazareth high. Oh, okay. Change alert.

Oh, the son of God's greatest miracle. Passing geometry.

Oh, okay, Tim, it's just

a ride.

Well, I wish you were here in the studio

because it smells so dang good in here.

What it does? That is thanks to our first seller.

Owner of Daisy's custom cakes.

It's Daisy Rae Rutledge.

Well, aren't you just the cutest thing?

Oh, my grandma, grandma will be so happy you said that.

She always says ugly girls down.

Oh. Oh. That's sad. That's a little intense.

So, what do you got for us today, Daisy?

I'm selling my famous lava cake that comes in a reusable tin

Reusable. No.

Yeah, and you get the cake and the tin for the shop

TV price of just 19.95. That's it. Oh, can you stop?

Oh, I know right.

Daisy, go ahead and show

the shoppers at home what's smelling so good.

Oh, I'm drooling already.

No, don't eat the whole thing, Babs. Oh.

Oh, okay. Oh.

Okay. Oh.

Oh. Hi.

Okay. Come on. Y'all ever seen anything like that?

Just my wife once

My cats. Every day.

Daisy.

Why does

why does your cake got a little starfish in the middle there?

Oh, baby, that's a fudge hole.

Oh, no. Oh, no. That can't be what it's called.

Oh, it is. It's from the fudge feeling inside in the oven.

This thing needs someone to escape, so it pops.

Cute little home town. Oh, I wouldn't call it cute.

That's what forms all these pretty crust creases

and flavor wrinkles around the little fudge hole here.

Do you do you have to trim it like that?

Oh, get off to close up. Oh, dear.

How about we see who's on the shop line?

Call your own shop TV. What do you think of this cake?

I think it looks like a big old butthole. Hang up

Shame on you.

So rude.

Now, Daisy, tell me you know,

why in the heck do they call it a lava cake?

I don't know diddly about baking.

So you got it wrong.

Well, my grandma grandma

always says with some patience, anyone can bake.

Even ugly people.

Okay, how about no more quote from grandma. Grandma. Home.

So what is it called? A lava cake?

Oh, because of the liquid fudge inside. Silly.

Beth, stick your national flag home. Take a big wave.

Oh, that was an awful send. So I think I'm gonna pass on that.

Come on. It smells amazing. Okay, okay, I'll do a quick one.

Okay, dear. Oh, babe, you got quiche?

Okay, okay, okay.

That's great. I'm glad I did that right on camera.

That's all right. That's right. I got a taste

of finger in there.

Oh, no. No, I don't want to mess up the parade.

Okay. Oh, the cake will be fine. Just go slow. Oh, don't.

Don't say that, sweetheart.

Okay. Here you go. Here we go.

All right. I'm sticking my finger in.

Okay, grant, why are you using your pinky?

Don't mind your pinky. It seem more polite. Okay.

Oh, okay. Here you go. I'll do it. There.

Oh I don't. Oh my lord.

Oh, nice.

There you go. Oh, and there's still you know,

it's. Oh. And it's, it's peanut butter flavor tasting.

Oh I know. Okay, okay.

Oh I mean, it tastes good despite

how bad that look, y'all.

Can I get something to wipe my hand off, please?

Not toilet Linette, use your hand.

Daisy, can you tell everybody at home

about the special bongo bundle? Bundle?

Not bongo bundle?

Yeah.

For the next ten minutes,

if you order two cakes, you get two more for eight.

How about that?

Wow. Okay, that's a deal. Let's take another caller.

Hi, there. You're on TV.

Yeah. Do these cakes come in different flavors?

Oh, sure do. What's your favorite? Asian?

Oh. Hang on. Go to Okay. Yeah.

I don't understand the question. Oh, good.

Don't think about it. Disgusting.

Don't think about it.

Well, speaking of reheating,

I understand your little demo with, vanilla. Okay.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Okay.

All right.

If you stick your cake in the microwave for 90s,

it does something super neat here.

Hey, hey. Oh, steam starts coming up.

Photo can tell since the camera tells it to. Oh, no.

I think they could see just fine. Okay. Oh, no.

Don't touch the dang overhead, Odell. That's obscene.

Blur that blurry. Well, don't

don't blur everything but the whole.

Odell. Odell.

Well, Daisy, we got a packed show.

I wish we could chat more, but time's a little tight.

Tight like that cake

Okay, Odell, we told you to hang up on him

shop TV after this.

And, Odell, if you keep messing with us, I'm

gonna stop sleeping with you.

Hey, Brianna, thanks so much for coming to my birthday party.

Oh, of course. And I'm so sorry that I invited Duncan.

It was before you guys broke up.

It's okay.

Three whole weeks ago.

I mean, obviously, I've been thinking about him a lot.

I'm just, like, crying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's my birthday, so.

Sorry, I overheard, and I just want to say that's rough.

I'm sorry. I'm Kevin, by the way. I'm Brianna.

Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, but could you, like,

pretend to be my date tonight?

Maybe make my ex a little jealous?

Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah, I can do that.

Oh my God. Sorry. Oh, what was that?

Oh, sorry. No, my my ex is here.

Looks like she's already with another guy.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Hey, I know we don't know each other,

and this might be crazy, but

would you like to pretend to be my date tonight?

Oh, Acting okay.

I that could be great.

I mean, it doesn't matter that I've had a baby before.

You know what?

Why would I just. Because I'm a little older, but.

Oh, but we're acting.

Okay, so,

officer, I'm 18, I swear.

Actually. I'm okay.

I know what to do.

No, I want to do not want to do not want to do it.

I want to do what I want to do, actually do.

Okay. You just look at them. Look at. Okay.

And that is why I never went skiing again.

Oh, you're so funny.

Oh, no. He's making her laugh. Damn it.

Okay, Pretend I just told you a joke.

Okay. God.

Okay, a day joke.

Hey, buddy, my sister's gay.

No. Why that? No. Laugh like you like it. Okay.

Hahaha.

What a great gay joke. Oh my gosh.

Fun fact, my sister's gay.

What are you doing?

Oh my God, he's with someone and having so much fun.

Well, then we need to have more fun.

But, No no no no. Yes.

Oh, come on, how are we going to top that?

Oh. You're bad

Oh you're bad. Oh.

Mashed potatoes. Oh.

It's what they're doing.

Come on. Look it off is not what they're doing.

Come on. You want her back or not? Look at her.

Oh. Oh, that's the stuff.

Now giggle, giggle.

Hahaha. Ha ha ha ha.

Is she looking?

Yeah, but like, not in a good way.

Oh, wow.

There's so, like physical

there's sexual chemistry is up the charts.

Okay. Here, I got you. Oh, you're such a gentleman.

Oh, oh, quick, give me your jacket. What?

No, what? It's doing. I get your jacket.

Oh, your nipples like my sock.

Hey, that's this dude, it's my shirt. I'm going.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're going to, like, do my.

Oh, take my. Okay. Stop. Okay. That's down.

Oh my God.

They're all over each other. Oh, quick, give me a massage.

Your hips. All right. You got.

Oh my God.

Okay, well, can I give you a massage up?

Are you kidding? I live for those things. Okay. Perfect.

Oh, what?

What are you doing?

I love massages, I thought they were something different.

What's, Oh my God. Oh my God,

I watch this. Hey, everyone.

I just wanted to say happy birthday to Marcus.

And the only thing better than having friends you've known

your whole life is meeting someone you feel like

you've known forever.

Oh. I feel the same way.

Okay,

I know you've got something about me.

Oh, stop.

Ting ting ting ting.

Thank you for having this birthday party. Oh,

for I have met a man tonight.

We made love in the bathroom

so hard that had gotten the food.

His name is Heinrich.

Dunks its dunk and he goes by dunking.

We are to be wed

at midnight.

No, no, we're not under the clock tower. Jesus Christ.

Now let us pray.

Duncan, wait.

I have to say something. Duncan, I made a mistake.

I'm not over you,

and I was trying to make you jealous tonight

by flirting with some random nobody. Whoa!

But I did it because I loved you.

Please don't marry her.

Too late. Bitch. I'm pregnant. Oh,

no. You're not.

No she's not. I'm pregnant. Stop, stop,

I want her! Excuse her!

Come on, babe, let's get out of here.

All right? You want to take my car?

Not you know. Good night maam Good night to you. I say,

oh. You put on quite a show tonight, Beverly. Oh.

Would you like some more potatoes? Yes, please.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OLIVIA

RODRIGO!

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I KNOW THAT THE BAR

CLOSES AT 11:00

I HOPE YOU NEVER

FINISH THAT BEER ♪

♪ YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

"JUST LIKE HEAVEN" ♪

♪ AND I KNOW WHY HE

WROTE THEM NOW THAT YOU'RE

STANDING RIGHT HERE ♪

♪ OHH ONE NIGHT I WAS

BORED IN BED AND STALKED

YOU ON THE INTERNET ♪

♪ IT'S FEMININE INTUITION

'CAUSE I ALWAYS

HAD A VISION OF US

STANDING LIKE THIS ♪

♪ ALL PRESSED UP IN THE

BATHROOM LINE ♪

♪ YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE

AN ANGEL ON THE WALLS

OF VERSAILLES ♪

♪ THE MOST ALIVE

I'VE EVER BEEN

BUT KISS ME

AND I MIGHT DROP DEAD ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ AND I FEEL LIKE

I MIGHT THROW UP

LEFT HOOK RIGHT PUNCH

TO THE GUT ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO SO PRETTY BOY

I'M PARANOID I MADE YOU UP ♪

♪ YEAH I'D LOVE IT

IF YOU WALKED ME HOME

IF YOU PROMISED WE COULD

GO REAL SLOW ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I GOT CHEWING GUM

AND A BUNCH OF STUFF

I'D LIKE TO KNOW ♪

♪ LIKE HAVE YOU EVER BEEN

TO JAPAN

OR TAKEN THAT EUROSTAR

TO FRANCE ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN DROPPING HINTS

ALL NIGHT THAT I'D LOVE

IT IF YOU HELD MY HAND

DAMN ♪

♪ AND THEN MAYBE WE COULD

MAKE-MAKE OUT

CLOTHES OFF AND FALL

TO THE GROUND ♪

♪ LET'S GO STEADY

LET'S GO OUT

AND TELL THE WHOLE

DAMN WORLD HOW ♪

♪ ONE NIGHT I WAS

BORED IN BED

AND STALKED YOU

ON THE INTERNET ♪

♪ IT'S FEMININE INTUITION

'CAUSE I ALWAYS

HAD A VISION OF US

STANDING LIKE THIS ♪

♪ ALL PRESSED UP IN THE

BATHROOM LINE ♪

♪ YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE

AN ANGEL ON THE WALLS

OF VERSAILLES ♪

♪ THE MOST ALIVE

I'VE EVER BEEN

BUT KISS ME AND I MIGHT ♪

♪ PISCES AND A GEMINI

BUT I THINK WE MIGHT

GO REALLY NICE TOGETHER ♪

♪ IF YOU LET ME STAY

THE NIGHT

WELL I THINK I MIGHT

JUST HAVE TO STAY FOREVER ♪

♪ PISCES AND A GEMINI

BUT I THINK WE MIGHT

GO REALLY NICE TOGETHER ♪

♪ IF YOU LET ME STAY

THE NIGHT

WELL I THINK I MIGHT

JUST HAVE TO STAY FOREVER ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ ONE NIGHT I WAS

BORED IN BED

AND STALKED YOU

ON THE INTERNET ♪

♪ IT'S FEMININE INTUITION

'CAUSE I ALWAYS

HAD A VISION OF US

STANDING LIKE THIS ♪

♪ ALL PRESSED UP IN THE

BATHROOM LINE ♪

♪ YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE

AN ANGEL ON THE WALL

OF VERSAILLES ♪

♪ THE MOST ALIVE

I'VE EVER BEEN

BUT KISS ME AND I MIGHT ♪

♪ KISS ME AND I MIGHT

KISS ME AND I MIGHT

DROP DEAD ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to weekend update I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well we start tonight with some breaking news.

Just a few hours ago,

Spirit Airlines permanently shut down mid-flight.

The airline stranded thousands of passengers

at airports with no employees

manning any of the check in desks.

Spirit said they were proud they were still maintaining

their normal level of service.

Called Thomas Allen, the alleged

Correspondents Dinner shooter

took this selfie in his hotel room

shortly before his assassination attempt,

which he captioned felt cute, might delete President.

This week gig, Charles visited the U.S.

and met Zoran Mamdani,

and I'm surprised he didn't take Mamdani back

to England with them because he is an Indian treasure.

Okay.

King Charles visited the U.S.

to mark

the 250th anniversary of American independence

from Britain and to seek the release

of a British hostage being held by an American terrorist.

King Charles also presented President Trump

with the original bell

from a British submarine and said, should you ever need

to get a hold of us, just give us a ring

or or Trump could just call the guy

saved in his phone as Andrew Island.

Legal experts are saying that this

week's Supreme Court ruling has taken

a wrecking ball to the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

But if you ask black people, it felt more like a fire hose

and two real

President Trump met with the Artemis two astronauts

in the Oval Office and told them, I like SpaceX,

which is actually a direct quote from Melania's wedding vows.

Defense Secretary Pete

Hegseth, seen here right after the bartender cut him off.

Testified before Congress, where he revealed that the current

estimate for the war in Iran is $25 billion a gallon.

Also, how has the war already cost 25 billion?

What are we bombing them with? White House ball rooms?

A federal appeals court has restricted abortion access

by blocking the mailing of a popular abortion drug.

But just remember, any drug can be an abortion drug.

If you do it enough.

One guy clap.

The U.S.

State Department is introducing a special edition

passport that features

an image of Donald Trump, so you'll always carry

a reminder of why you fled the country.

Also, I love that the picture of Trump

is apparently burning a hole

in the Declaration of Independence.

A homeless man in Florida was arrested

after trespassing on a yacht

and saying that he was holding it

for his friend, President Trump, as well as making other

unbelievable claims like, I was mayor of New York City.

That was my impression of Kate.

Representative Alexandria

Ocasio-Cortez said she thinks it's possible

America has already had a gay president.

And here's a guess.

Maybe it's the one obsessed

with ballrooms and the Village People.

President Trump is also claiming that a BBC documentary

altered his January 6th speech by using AI to change his words.

And when you watch it back, it is kind of egregious.

A new report claims that the next person

to leave the Trump administration will be FBI

Director Kash Patel.

And honestly, Patel

seems like he already has one eye out the door.

The movie Michael earned $97 million in its opening weekend,

which was the most a music biopic has ever grossed.

But it didn't even crack the top

ten grossest weekends involving Michael Jackson.

Well, the news is heavy this week,

but here at Weekend Update,

we are not afraid to take on the tough subjects.

So here to discuss their brewing feud are podcaster

slash influencer Alex Cooper

and influencer slash blogger Alix Earle

Hey guys, what is up Daddy Day?

Welcome ladies!

So for anyone not familiar,

would you mind introducing yourselves? Yeah of course.

So I am Alex with an ear, and I'm Alex with an eye.

I'm pretty much Martha Stewart.

If instead of teaching baking,

she taught you that, like like 3000.

And I'm basically Ellen, if she never came out,

and I didn't really help me at all.

But do you mind explaining what your feud is? Even about?

Okay. So, like, do you know Piggy and Pop?

Yes. Okay. Well we don't. Can you, like, explain them to us?

You know what?

Okay, so I'm going to say what happened between us.

Okay, then say it.

Say what you got to say, you girl on that.

There's no NDA. Alex.

It. Okay, so I'm honestly really coming out.

I'm saying it like I'm saying it.

We didn't say it, okay? I just said no, you didn't.

I didn't hear you just out like it's okay. Well, that was you.

Have I said it?

I didn't hear anything.

I literally didn't hear. What are you doing? Are you.

You know what the hell is happening right now?

What is happening?

Okay, so basically, to put this in, like, gay man's term,

I don't need that.

I don't need that.

Okay? So she was a hot mess

and I want her hot mess to be an unwell.

But I felt unwell about unwell being off on that.

And it can't be on while

because I'm entering the wellness field.

What? Okay.

Okay.

Basically the situation got so unwell

it can only be described as worse.

The 911, because it can only be described that way.

Okay. And then a chicken fried.

But the whole thing but beyond I'm talking about her more like,

Oh, who the hell is that?

Oh. What?

Briana Chickenfry LaPaglia.

Zach Bryan█s ex who█s part of Barstool Cinematic Universe.

Duh!

I don't understand a word of any of this. Wow.

Okay, so when women tell you about their work

drama, you just, like, tune them out.

Yeah.

Wow. Actually, Jerry.

Wow. We're here to talk about

literal Chernobyl for white women.

And you don't even care.

Put this on the screen.

Michael Che is an enemy to white women. What?

Hey, y'all got that up really fast.

But apparently they have it ready all the time.

Yeah, like all right.

Alex Cooper and Alix Earle everybody

What is that?

In aviation companies now?

Conducting tests of an all electric air taxi to fly

wealthy customers from Manhattan to JFK airport.

While economy customers can use their slingshot to LaGuardia.

Authorities in Italy say a statue was damaged

after a woman accepted a bachelorette challenge

to touch the statue's genitals.

She's been charged with statue Tory rape.

Back to you, Colin.

Gastro gastroenterologist are

now saying that people can avoid getting hemorrhoids

if they just stop sitting on the toilet

for a long time while scrolling on their phones. No.

Coors light

announced the launch of their first nonalcoholic beer,

called 0.0%, and I love their new slogan, core 0.0.

Get custody back.

That's sweet.

Police in Nebraska arrested

a longtime sex offender known as the Cookie Monster

after he was found naked in a boy's bedroom.

Luckily, before he could go.

Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

[ MOANS AND LAUGHTER ]

>>> THIS WEEK, RAPPER MEGAN THEE

STALLION AND NBA PLAYER KLAY

THOMPSON BROKE UP AFTER HE

ALLEGEDLY CHEATED ON HER WITH A

NUMBER OF WOMEN.

HERE TO COMMENT IS "SNL'S" KAM

PATTERSON.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WHAT UP?

>> HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE

BREAKUP, KAM?

>> I'M SO UPSET.

MEGAN IS SINGLE!

>> DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT, YOU'RE

BEAMING.

>> THIS IS A SMILE OF

DESPERATION.

I'M SAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M WORRIED ABOUT MEG, MAN.

YOU DON'T SEE THE BROADWAY

PRODUCTION OF "MOULIN ROUGE."

I COULDN'T BELIEVE SHE WAS IN

TOWN.

>> YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DON'T

KNOW WHAT "MOULIN ROUGE" IS.

IT'S WRITTEN PHONETICALLY ON THE

CARD FOR YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SHUT UP!

I'M JUST SAYING, WHO EVEN IS

THIS GUY?

>> YOU DON'T KNOW KLAY THOMPSON?

>> NO.

>> HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS PRO

BASKETBALL PLAYER.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S A WNBA FOR MEN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?

THE MMBA?

NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME

THERE'S A WHITE MICHAEL CHE.

>> THERE IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> TO ME, HE'S NOT KLAY, HE'S

DIRT.

WHAT MEG THEE STALLION NEEDS IS

A REAL MAN.

>> WHAT'S REAL MAN?

>> FIRST OFF, HE'S PROBABLY 5'8"

TO 5'10".

SECOND, HE'S PROBABLY A BLACK

MAN BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS

BLACK MEN DON'T CHEAT.

>> KLAY THOMPSON IS BLACK.

>> HALF BLACK.

IT WAS THE WHITE HALF THAT

CHEATED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE MAKES A

REAL MAN?

>> WELL, HM.

HE'S PROBABLY GAINFULLY EMPLOYED

IN A THRIVING INDUSTRY LIKE, I

DON'T KNOW, ENTERTAINMENT.

>> OKAY.

>> MAYBE HE WORKS ON A SKETCH

TELEVISION SHOW.

AND HE'S NOT IN MANY SKETCHES,

BUT HE'S DOING OKAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOME SAY HE'S FINDING HIS VOICE

MORE EVERY WEEK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM.

THAT'S JUST YOU, KAM.

>> HUH.

I GUESS IT DOES KIND OF SOUND

LIKE ME.

>> SO YOU'RE CLEARLY JUST OUT

HERE SHOOTING YOUR SHOT, HUH?

>> HEY, SHOOTERS SHOOT.

THAT'S WHAT KLAY THOMPSON DID.

>> SO YOU DO KNOW WHO HE IS.

>> FOUR-TIME NBA CHAMPION, THE

SECOND-GREATEST SHOOTER OF

ALL-TIME?

I DON'T KNOW HIM.

>> IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DO, AND IT

SOUNDS LIKE YOU WANT TO DATE HIS

EX-GIRLFRIEND.

>> IF I HAVE TO, I WILL.

I WILL DO THAT.

MEGAN, LET ME TALK TO YOU

DIRECT.

♪♪

>> OH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> AM I THE MAN YOU WANT?

PROBABLY NOT.

BUT AM I THE MAN YOU NEED?

ALSO NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT YOU'VE ALREADY HAD THE BEST,

BABY, SO WHY NOT TRY THE REST?

>> WHAT?

>> LIKE I SAID IN ALL THOSE

UNANSWERED DMs, SUP?

DAMN.

FIRE EMOJI.

EVER BEEN TO A WATER PARK?

HEART EMOJI.

DAMN.

GOT DAMN.

DEMON EMOJI.

LET ME KNOW ABOUT WATER PARK.

SUP, BABY?

>> KAM PATTERSON, EVERYBODY.

>> BLACK MEN DON'T CHEAT!

>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M

MICHAEL CHE.

>> I'M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGHT!

>>> HELLO.

>> OH.

HONEY.

YOU'RE STILL AWAKE.

>> INDEED.

I TRIED TO GO TO BED, BUT MY

FAITHFUL FIANCEE WAS NOWHERE TO

BE FOUND.

>> SORRY.

DINNER WENT LONG.

>> HA HA HA.

♪ BUSTED

10:00 A.M. CLOCK

IN THE MORNING

WHERE YOU BEEN ♪

♪ BABY DIDN'T YOU

GET MY TEXT

I WAS WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS ♪

WE WENT DANCING.

>> WHO?

>> ME AND SHONDA AND MONICA,

CHANDLER WAS THERE TOO.

♪ BUSTED THE LAST NAMES WERE

FROM THE FAST OF FRIENDS KNOW

♪ THEY MIGHT BE FRIENDS BUT

THOSE ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS ♪

♪ AND ALSO ♪

SHONDA CAN'T BE DANCING SHONDA'S

GOT FAKE LEGS ♪

♪ WELL SHE CAN STILL CLAP AT THE

BAR ♪

♪ BACK THOSE BAGS ♪

♪ BABY WE AIN'T GOT NO STAIRS

IT'S A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT ♪

♪

♪ BUSTED WE HAVE STAIRS SO THE

DOG CAN GET ON THE BED ♪

♪ HE'S A VERY OLD DOG AND NEEDS

A LITTLE HELP ♪

♪ BABY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE YOU

ALSO NEED THOSE STAIRS ♪

♪ OKAY UNNECESSARY LET'S GET

BACK TO THE ISSUE THAT'S AT

HAND ♪

♪ YOU'RE WALKING IN THIS HOUSE

AND THE TIME IS 10 P.M. ♪

♪ I MIGHT BE TRIPPING BUT THAT

FEELS LIKE A NORMAL TIME ♪

♪ BUT I GO TO BED AT 6:00 FOR MY

JOB THAT'S AT 9:00 ♪

♪ COME ON BABY THAT'S 15 HOURS ♪

♪ WELL I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP SO

IN THE MORNING I CAN CHEAT ♪

♪ DAMMIT CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID

THAT STUFF OUT LOUD ♪

♪ BUT HOLD ON JUST A SECOND HOW

WOULD YOU DEFINE CHEATING ♪

♪ HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER

PERSON ♪

♪ WELL DAMN THAT'S WHAT I DID ♪

♪ BUSTED I'VE BEEN SITTING IN

THE CLOSET THIS WHOLE TIME ♪

♪ I WAS GONNA ROB THIS HOUSE BUT

Y'ALL TAKING A LONG TIME ♪

♪ AND I'M TIRED OF WAITING ALONE

SO I THINK I'LL JUST GO HOME ♪

♪ BUSTED ♪

>> WHO'S IN MY COUCH?

♪ I'M THE ROBBER'S WIFE AND I

FOLLOWED HIM HERE ♪

♪ I THOUGHT HE WAS CHEATING I

HAD SUSPICIONS ♪

♪ I GOT THESE LONG-ASS LEGS SO I

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS ♪

♪ BUSTED GIRL YOU KNOW Y'ALL

BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪

♪ AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM ♪

♪ HI MY NAME IS CHRIS ♪

♪ I WAS IN THE CLOSET 'CAUSE I'M

THE ROBBER'S MISTRESS ♪

♪ OKAY SO I WAS RIGHT I KNEW

THAT I WAS RIGHT ♪

♪ HELLO MY NAME IS CURTIS ♪

♪ I AM THE LANDLORD WHAT IS THIS

RUCKUS ♪

♪ IT'S 10:00 IN THE NIGHT I'M

TRYING TO EAT MY BOILED RICE ♪

♪ AND WHEN DID Y'ALL GET A DOG

Y'ALL CAN'T HAVE NO DOG ♪

♪ BUSTED WE'RE SORRY WE'RE LYING

AND CHEATING ♪

♪ AND WE GOT A DOG AND WE'RE

SINGING AT 10:00 ♪

ALL BECAUSE I DIDN'T TRUST MY

GIRL, MAN.

TODAY HAS REALLY TAUGHT ME

SOMETHING.

IF WE DON'T HAVE TRUST WHAT DO

WE HAVE?

>> IT'S OKAY, BABE.

BECAUSE I DID CHEAT ON YOU

TONIGHT AND LIKE A BAJILLION

OTHER TIMES.

♪ BUSTED BUSTED ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ONCE AGAIN, OLIVIA RODRIGO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ ALL THAT I WANT

IS TO KNOW UNDOUBTEDLY

THAT YOU JUST HAVE EYES

FOR ME ♪

♪ COULD YOU MAKE IT CLEAR

ALL THAT I WANT

IS TO SIT HERE SILENTLY

AND WATCH MOVIES ON TV ♪

♪ WHAT A SHAME

YOU'RE NOT HERE ♪

♪ HERE TO WITNESS

MY DEVOTION AND MY ENDLESS

WELL OF NEEDS ♪

♪ I'M AN ANCHOR IN THE OCEAN

YOU KNOW I COULD

NEVER LEAVE ♪

♪ SO I'M PATIENT

YOU'RE LEARNING

PRETEND IT'S NOT HURTING

OHH ♪

♪ THEY SAY IT'S A VIRTUE

TO NOT LET GOOD

LOVE SLIP AWAY

AWAY ♪

♪ OH I'M COOL AND FORGIVING

I'LL TAKE WHAT

YOU'RE GIVING

OHH ♪

♪ BUT NOTHING'S

QUITE ENOUGH

WHEN I KNOW THAT

TO GET IT I BEGGED ♪

♪ TO GET IT I BEGGED ♪

♪ AND I HAVE THIS THOUGHT

WHEN I LAY IN BED AT NIGHT

THAT I FEEL TRAPPED

INSIDE MY LIFE ♪

♪ IS THAT A NORMAL THING TO

FIGHT BACK THE WAVES

OF A STATIC LOVERS' DREAD ♪

♪ I'M OVERWHELMED

I'M UNDERFED

AND YET I STILL CLING

CLING ♪

♪ CLING TO HOPE

LIKE SNOW ON MOUNTAINS

CARELESS WORDS

MELT IT AWAY ♪

♪ I'M A PENNY IN A FOUNTAIN

JUST WAITING

ON MY LUCK TO CHANGE ♪

♪ SO I'M

I'M PATIENT

YOU'RE LEARNING

PRETEND IT'S NOT HURTING ♪

♪ OHH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THEY SAY

IT'S A VIRTUE

TO NOT LET GOOD LOVE

SLIP AWAY ♪

♪ AWAY ♪

♪ OH I'M COOL AND FORGIVING

I'LL TAKE WHAT

YOU'RE GIVING OHH ♪

♪ BUT NOTHING'S

QUITE ENOUGH

WHEN I KNOW THAT

TO GET IT I BEGGED ♪

♪ YEAH TO GET IT I BEGGED ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Marcy.

Going to 43 Bellevue AV. Yep. That's me.

Sir, do you mind if we have a few sips back here?

Oh, yeah. Do whatever you want.

Just, you know, give me five stars. Hell, yeah.

Hey, can you put on some music? Sure thing.

Oh, okay.

We need a plan for tonight.

Because I feel like last time we got it, we went.

I got, like, kind of sloppy. Oh, my God, so sloppy.

Yeah. Promise you'll cut me off after, like, 15 drinks?

Oh, the scene, that's, like a lot.

It is.

Oh, well, how about this?

Cut me off.

If I start jumping on people's backs and trying to revive them

because last time I heard that guy.

Yeah, well, he was in a wheelchair

already, but, yeah, yeah, he did hurt him.

I know it wasn't cute.

Okay, but you have to promise to not let me go skinny dipping.

I mean, it was so embarrassing at Jake's party.

Oh my God.

Okay, but to be fair,

if Jake had had a pool, it would have been fine. True.

It was only embarrassing because you're just,

like, kind of running around naked in these yard.

♪ DUM-DI-DUM-DI-DIDDY

DIDDY-DIDDY-DUM

DUM-DI-DUM-DI-DIDDY

DIDDY-DIDDY-DUM ♪

♪ GIRL JAH PUM PUM

MAKE ME MIND EXPLODE-A ♪

♪ PUT IT ON ME

AND ME GO BEAST MODE-A ♪

♪ JAH PUT IT ON ME

LIKE CHICKEN ON RICE-A

IN ME BED AND ME GON'

HIT IT TWICE-A ♪

♪ ME WAN JAH PUM PUM

PLEASE GIVE SOME SOME

YOU GWAN LAY WIT ME

GON' MAKE YOU COME COME ♪

♪ GWAN SCREAM WHEN ME HIT IT

AND ME STICK IT ♪

♪ MAKE YA SWEAT

GWAN CALL ME

JERK CHICKEN ♪

♪ WHITE DUPPY MOSES

ON DA MIC ME

GON SPIT IT ♪

♪ ME MAKE YA SWEAT

GWAN CALL ME

JERK CHICKEN BRA ♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Temperature.

All right for you back there?

Yeah.

Sir, what was that?

I don't know,

okay.

But you, like, started aggressively

singing a Jamaican dancehall song, like, really loud.

I don't know what that was.

I'm sorry. I just, like, came out of me.

Wait, so you, like, made that up on the spot?

I guess I have as much information as you do.

Can we just forget it?

No offense, but like how?

I don't know, just,

go back to what you were talking about before.

You were both like,

promise you let me do heroin tonight or whatever.

That that is. Fine. Go back to that.

I don't think we can. It feels like things have changed.

You don't have to, though.

You just go back, be like, I don't let me do crack off.

Some guys might like that. That's not what we're saying.

Why are you so mad?

Why do you think I just realized

I'm one of the most talented Rasta emcees on earth?

I don't want that for my life.

I don't want to be a white Rasta guy.

I don't think you have to be sorry, though I'm afraid I do.

You heard the song. You heard what I'm capable of.

Oh, God damn it.

Oh, I really don't want to be a white Rasta guy.

Okay, well, if it makes you feel any better.

I didn't think the song was that good.

You're sweet to say that, but I know it was.

No, seriously, this kind of trash.

I wish they were true, sweetheart, I really do.

It was next level,

and I can't escape my destiny.

Oh, my God, are you going to sing again?

I have to.

[ LAUGHTER ]

♪ BUM-DI-DUM-DIDDY

DIDDY-DIDDY-DUM

SHAKE YA TING LIKE A WOOD

ROLLER COASTER ♪

♪ PUT IT ON ME

LIKE YA KNOW

YOU A'POSSED ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

You never know when a Break-In will happen.

For those moments

you want a home security system you can trust.

Safeguard, help to somebody in the house.

Okay. Stay calm. Ma'am, we're sending someone right away.

Because any security system can catch a crime on camera.

But will enough people see that footage

to identify the suspect?

That's why

safeguard is the first home security system

designed to produce crime scene footage guaranteed to go viral.

So we're out here asking, guys, what's your body count?

Oh my God.

I don't know if I should say, let's see,

when your alarm goes off, we send a TikToker

to ask the intruder questions like gay son or daughter.

Oh. Oh, damn. I don't want a thought.

Daughter. Gay son, though. That's tough.

Jason, today,

when our house got broken into, a safeguard, immediately

sent someone to ask the burglar

if he'd ever gotten that sloppy. Toppy.

The video got, like, 100 million views.

He was identified immediately,

and now he's got his own show on the Barstool network.

I couldn't believe how fast the TikToker got there.

I was like, aren't they busy?

But here's what I didn't realize. No

safeguard gives you your choice of security plans

like sidewalk takes. So what's your take?

If you go on a date with a heavy woman,

you shouldn't have to pay. 100% disagree.

If she's eating, I'm treating chicken shop date. Right.

What is this?

You're in love with me, and you're trying to steal my heart.

Whatever. And, of course, Cam Patterson. Crowd work.

All right? Okay, okay.

Look, I don't know who he asked on the first day.

Come on, man, I know you do. Yeah.

You been there like num num num num num.

More ass. Please, ma'am, I do. We do with that.

You know, you go to jail, right? Thanks, safeguard.

Except now people are breaking

into my house because they want to go viral.

Cory Booker has been here every single night.

Because when you hear that window

break in the middle of the night,

you want someone you can trust, someone who will show up.

Someone who will ask, what's the craziest place

you've ever gotten your backbone out?

Oh, come on, man, my girl watching this. Come on. And,

Target.

♪♪

Wow. Huge thank you to Aziz Ansari.

Debbie Harry and Connor storie

This.

Is the best cast and crew and writers in the business.

And I couldn't be more grateful.

This is a true honor and a real dream come true.

Thank you so much to Lorne.

I will never forget this night.

Thank you guys so much. Good night.