Original subtitles

Hello

Good evening and happy World War three to all who celebrate.

It's me, Donald Trump, FIFA Peace Prize

winner and Nobel Peace Prize taker. Yoink.

Remember when I did that?

I launched this attack after me and my Board of Peace

decided that we were Board of Peace.

Little wordplay. There. You catch it.

As we all know,

Iran has been two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon

for like, the last 15 years or something.

So we had to act now, and we're doing war work.

What is it good for? Distracting from the Epstein files.

And I know on the campaign trail I promised

no new foreign wars. But listen, war is plural, right?

Well, I had to do one.

The one foreign war and possibly one several

to all my MAGA voters who are upset

and saying, this is not what I voted for.

Well, do you, dad? Don't you know who I am? I, me,

even I don't know what I'm going to do next.

Hello from the year 5000. Like, what the hell is that? Right?

Nobody knows.

I'm unpredictable. I'm like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're going to get. Forrest Gump.

Gump.

America's favorite time traveling outward.

He told that story to that nurse on the bench.

After the feather fell down. Gump.

I don't get it. People begging begged for Trump.

And then when you get them, you don't like.

And what's going on? All right, I'm like new Star Wars movies.

I see the trailer for Mandalorian Goku,

and they say, never mind, I don't want that.

People are asking, why attack Iran now?

Well, we had to strike in the early hours of Saturday,

which has two advantages militarily.

One, it's after the stock market closes for the weekend,

and two, it's to cause immeasurable fear,

rage and chaos in the SNL writers room.

Those guys were going crazy.

They probably had a big state of the union

address thing they were going to do.

Not anymore.

Jeremy was in it. But Jeremy, he's got a late show,

but the whole thing in the trash and start fresh.

We love that for them.

Anyway, with more on this, here's

a man I'm going to blame it on when it doesn't work.

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.

Yeah.

All right, all right, cut the track. Cut the track.

And relax.

Is the Four Loko non elk.

Subdue weeds.

As you probably heard, Operation Epic Fury is underway.

And as you could tell from the veins in my neck, I'm pumped.

Why do we call it epic fury? Simple.

Eight letters lines up perfectly for some bitchin knuckle tats.

Yeah, get him in the wrong order.

But you get it.

And those are my least problematic tattoos.

Shut up.

They asked for someone to volunteer to oversee this

half bank operation, and I didn't walk.

I ran.

For President Trump.

Call me at two in the morning.

You know, I was awake, sober,

and already training for the mission, playing

Prince of Persia Sands of Time on my Gamecube.

We love the Gamecube. It's underrated. Yeah.

Misunderstood system. The Gamecube had

a small library. It was hard to code for.

It was hard to code for.

Smart man.

But don't let my confident demeanor fool you.

I am scared and I don't know what I'm doing

when he said we were going

to blow up the leader of Iran, I thought he was kidding.

And now, all day long I've been here.

People saying, why do we do this?

What's the reason for this war?

Oh yeah, I actually have the reason right here.

It's under my chin. Let me get it for you.

Goodfellas.

Bottom line, all of you should be thanking us.

We took out a horrendous, horrible leader

who was oppressing his own people.

But don't get any ideas and live from New York.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST MUMFORD & SONS.

AND YOUR HOST, CONNOR STORRIE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- CONNOR

STORRIE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I am so excited to be here. Yes.

Okay, okay.

Now, some of you may have seen literally all of me on my show.

Heated rivalry.

It's a show that has taught

a lot of people about hockey, and it's taught

a lot of straight women

that their sexuality is actually gay. Guy.

If you haven't seen it, it's a little spicy,

but it's actually a lot more than that.

It's not said I could show a clip,

so I found one that was good for the whole family.

Okay.

That is literally all we could show from the show.

But this show has totally changed my life.

Okay, right before I got cast, I was a waiter, and,

YEAH.

AND I'VE ONLY -- SO I'VE ONLY

and, I've only.

So I've only technically been

a professional actor for, like, six months now.

But on the other hand,

I've been preparing for this my entire life

since I was a 12 year old obsessed with acting.

So it's like.

It's like, on one hand, I'm totally surprised

and humbled that this is happening to me.

And on the other hand.

This was my destiny.

When I was little, I said to my mother,

why do I have to have the last name story?

The whole world is going to know me as just Connor,

like I'm Madonna

or Cher or Paddington.

Mother. I'm not a story.

I'm a whole damn book.

I am kidding.

Seriously, I promise I'm nothing like that.

I am much worse.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M JOKING.

I'm joking.

I definitely did not have a glamorous childhood, though.

I grew up in Texas, and my mom was Texas.

I grew up in Texas,

and my mom would drive me hours to auditions.

She even drove me to this weird mall

where they did this, like, National Kids talent contest.

Which I won hands down

in every category

by doing a catwalk to It's Raining Men with other children.

BUT SERIOUSLY.

But seriously,

I really did not know if this would ever happen to me.

And you know, when I got the call

that I was going to be on SNL, I honestly cried.

And, yeah, you know, I am just,

I really I am just so, so thankful for everything

that this job gives me the chance to do.

You know, like, in two weeks,

I had to learn how to play Russian

and look like I knew how to play hockey.

And then I'm watching the Olympics

and I see these amazing players, and I'm like,

I don't think I pulled it off.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Whoa, whoa.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

No way.

Man, I hear you're great.

Oh, and and, Jack, you guys literally just won the Olympics.

Congrats.

Thanks. We've been so busy playing.

We haven't had time to see your show yet.

It's about hockey, right?

Yeah, kind of.

I got my teeth knocked out in the finals.

That happened in your show.

Metaphorically.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Cool.

What team do you play on?

The Boston Raiders. Boston Raiders.

What league is that? The NHL. The HBO.

But you guys should check it out.

Oh, I hope some hockey players watched it.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Oh. Don't worry.

We saw your show.

Oh, wow.

Hilary, Megan is so cool that we're all here.

It was going to be just us,

but we thought we'd invite the guys to.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Yeah, we thought we'd give them a little moment to shine.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Well, that is very important.

You know, my show speaks to people

who are not always represented in hockey.

So this is really great

to have actual hockey legends here tonight.

I mean, yeah, I mean, both of your teams just won the gold.

Thanks. The last time the men did that was 46 years ago.

And the last time we did that was two whole Olympics ago.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Nice burn.

But these gold medals aren't just for us.

They're for all hockey fans. Yours too.

Oh, so can I try one on? No.

We have a great show for you tonight.

Mumford and sons is here. Stick around. We'll be right back.

>>> GO RICKY!

GO RICKY!

GO RICKY!

GO RICKY!

>> YOU GUYS, STOP.

WE HAVE A MATH TEST TODAY.

>> WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT MATH

WHEN YOU CAN DO THIS?

>> OKAY, EVERYBODY SILENT RIGHT

NOW, OKAY?

MR. JACOB, SIT DOWN YESTERDAY.

>> SORRY, JUST PLAYING.

>> NOT TODAY, GUYS.

I AM IN A BAD MOOD, OKAY?

>> DANG, MR. FRANZY, IS

EVERYTHING OKAY?

>> NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY.

THIS MORNING, MY WIFE SPILLED MY

COFFEE ALL OVER MY BODY.

AND MY COFFEE WAS EVERYWHERE.

AND MY BODY WAS ON FIRE.

SO I CALL MY BUDDY AND HE CAME

OVER AND HE COVER MY BODY FROM

MY FEET UNTIL MY HEAD.

OKAY?

>> WOW.

SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MR.

FRANZY.

>> IT'S OKAY, GUYS.

I JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THAT

TODAY IS NOT THE DAY TO PLAY

WITH MR. FRANZY.

NOW PLEASE, TAKE A QUIZ AND

PASSING IT TO YOUR NEIGHBORS.

THIS IS A BIG QUIZ, GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT COUNT FOR 65% OF YOUR GRADE,

OKAY?

THAT'S A LOT OF PERCENT OF YOUR

GRADE, GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I NEED A SILENCE IN HERE.

NO JOKES.

NO COMMENTS FROM THE PENIS

GALLERY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY, I'M SORRY, WHAT IS SO

FUNNY?

>> SERIOUSLY, DUDE, YOU JUST

SAID PENIS.

>> NO, NO, NO.

PENIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LIKE THE SNACK.

AS IN MY WIFE IS DEFINITELY

ALLERGIC TO PENIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOR ME, I LOVE PENIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN MY

LIFE IS KEEPING MY PENIS AWAY

FROM MY WIFE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STOP SAYING PENIS!

>> STOP THIS!

OH, OH, OH!

FOCUS ON THE QUIZ, GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

VERY GOOD, GUYS.

THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO BE

SEEING, GUYS.

VERY QUIET.

VERY NICE.

I LIKE IT.

>> UH --

[ LAUGHTER ]

YO, MR. FRANZY --

>> WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE

TO SAY TO ME?

>> NO, IT'S JUST THAT THIS TEST

DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

THE FIRST QUESTION IS, WHAT IS

THE SQUARE AND WHO IS HIS WIFE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> COME ON, GUYS.

YOU KNOW THIS.

YOU KNOW THE SQUARE WIFE.

HIS WIFE IS THE RHOMBUS.

NOW, I AM --

[ LAUGHTER ]

SILENCE.

AND NOW I WILL BRIEFLY GO TO THE

BATHROOM AND PRIVATELY REAPPLY

THE ALOE VERA EVERYWHERE IN MY

BODY, OKAY?

I TRUST YOU GUYS TO BE MY LITTLE

ANGELS FROM JESUS, OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS A BIG QUIZ, GUYS.

I'M PROUD OF YOU GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DO IT, DO IT!

>> DO IT.

>> OKAY, YOU GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I AM MR. FRANZY.

MY WIFE IS DEADLY ALLERGIC TO MY

PEE-PEE.

>> GO OFF, RITCHIE.

>> AND THE CRAZY THING IS -- I

HAVE NO IDEA THAT NOBODY EVEN

LIKE ME.

[ AUDIENCE MOANING ]

>> REALLY, GUYS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF ME,

MR. DIEGO?

>> I'M SORRY, MR. FRANZY, I WAS

JUST JOKING AROUND.

>> WOW.

THIS IS ONE OF THE DARKEST DAYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I DID NOT THINK THAT MY HEART

COULD BE BROKEN LIKE THIS.

>> OH NO, MR. FRANZY, PLEASE

DON'T CRY.

>> YO, WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE A

RING TONE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I CAME TO THIS COUNTRY IN 1997

ALL FOR THE DREAM OF ONE DAY

TEACHING YOU GUYS ABOUT THE

RHOMBUS AND HER FIANCEE, THE

SQUARE.

AND NOW YOU DESTROY MY BODY AND

MY HEART.

>> NO.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SUBJECT

THIS CLASS IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU GUYS, I THINK WE ALL OWE

MR. FRANZY AN APOLOGY.

>> THANK YOU, ANJA, YOU HAVE A

HEART OF GOLD.

>> WE'RE SORRY, MR. FRANZY.

WE ONLY MAKE FUN OF YOU BECAUSE

YOU'RE LIKE ONE OF US.

BUT I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO

SAY IS -- WE LOVE YOU, MR.

FRANZY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> MR. DIEGO.

YOU MEAN IT?

>> OKAY, GUYS.

WE LOVE MR. FRANZY.

>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.

>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.

>> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY.

>> I -- I MEAN -- YOUR WORDS ARE

LIKE, I LOVE YOU BETTER FROM MY

HEART.

EVERYBODY GOT AN "A."

>> EVERYBODY -- FRANZY!

FRANZY!

FRANZY!

FRANZY!

>> I LOVE YOU GUYS, I LOVE YOU

GUYS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> IT TURNS OUT THE POOR

BASTARD HAD WORN HIS RIDING

BOOTS TO LUNCHEON.

>> OH, THE ABSOLUTE SHAME!

>> LORD KENLEY.

>> LADY DELLACORTE, A PLEASURE.

>> I QUITE LOOK FORWARD TO OUR

CROQUET MATCH THIS AFTERNOON AT

MY FATHER'S ESTATE.

>> THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T

SEEN KENLEY PLAY.

>> WELL, I WILL LEAVE YOU

GENTLEMEN TO YOUR DISCOURSE.

GOOD DAY.

>> GOOD DAY.

>> I RESENT THAT INSULTING

REMARK, LORD FETTINGTON, AND I

ASK, SIR, HOW DARE YOU.

>> HE ASKS HIM HOW HE DARES.

>> SUCH AN AFFRONT, ACCORDING TO

THE GENTLEMAN'S CODE, PERMITS ME

TO REMOVE MY GLOVE AND SLAP YOUR

FACE.

>> HOW DARE YOU.

I ASK TWICE, SIR, HOW DARE YOU.

I REBUKE YOU, SIR, AND GIVE IT

TO YOU TWICE.

>> HOW DARE YOU.

I DENY YOUR REBUT THRICEFOLD.

>> HOW DARE YOU.

HOW DARE YOU.

>> HA!

DODGED.

>> HOW DARE YOU!

>> HOW DARE YOU!

HOW TO THE ABSOLUTE DARE YOU!

>> GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE BEGINNING

TO ACT LIKE COMMONERS.

>> HOW DARE YOU!

>> HOW DARE YOU!

>> I AM UNGLOVED AND THEREFORE

UNABLE TO RETORT.

KENLEY, SLAP HIM AS MY PROXY.

>> OF COURSE.

>> HOW DARE YOU!

>> VERY GOOD.

>> GENTLEMEN, STOP!

WE CAN'T LET THIS SILLINESS RUIN

THE AFTERNOON.

WHY DON'T YOU BOTH JUST

APOLOGIZE.

>> APOLOGIZE?

I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, SIR.

HOW DARE YOU.

>> DON'T DO IT.

>> I SLAPPED YOU BECAUSE -- OH!

HOW DARE YOU!

HOW DARE YOU.

YOU SLAPPED ME WITH A CLOSED

FIST!

AND THEREFORE, I'M ALLOWED TO DO

THE SAME.

HOW DARE YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ENOUGH!

YOU, SIR, HAVE DISOBEYED THE

GENTLEMAN'S CODE.

SO I AM PERMITTED TO STRIKE YOU

WITH MY CANE.

>> DON'T DO IT.

>> I'M SO SORRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> GENTLEMEN, STOP THIS RABBLE

AT ONCE, THERE ARE CHILDREN

PRESENT.

ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE?

>> HOW DARE YOU!

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> HE STRUCK A WOMAN.

>> HOW DARE YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THIS MUST CEASE!

LOOK AT THIS WOMAN'S DOG.

THE COMMOTION HAS FRIGHTENED THE

POOR GIRL.

>> CEDE DEFEAT, FETTINGTON, AND

END OUR QUARREL NOW.

>> HA HA!

ARE YOU MAD?

LORD FETTINGTON WOULD NEVER BEND

HIS KNEE SIMPLY TO APPEASE A

FRIGHTENED LITTLE --

HOW DARE YOU!

>> NO --

>> HOW DARE --

>> YEP, IT SEEMS I HAVE

[ BLEEP ] MYSELF.

I CEDE DEFEAT.

WELL DONE.

>> GLAD THAT'S SETTLED.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE

TO RETRIEVE MY SON WHO I KICKED

ACROSS THE PARK.

>> HOW DARE YOU.

I'M KIDDING.

GOOD DAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Well,

first you take me to dinner like this,

and then you take me to the same ice rink with we first met.

I mean, this is the perfect first year anniversary,

and I haven't even proposed yet. Wait, what?

Candace Lorraine Dugan,

will you marry me?

Oh my God.

Casper.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Why? I'm having so much fun. Danny.

I'm so glad.

I can't say yes right now. Bryce.

Danny, wait up fast, folks.

Why can't you say yes?

I don't know, it just doesn't feel right yet.

You guys, you guys look, our little plane.

I mean, do you think that we're ready?

Hey, I know you.

Get back here.

Please say something. Casper.

Those three men are having the best time.

What?

Those guys.

I've never seen grown men having such, like, genuine, pure fun.

Like, how old are they?

This train lost its caboose.

Danny, why did you let go? Because I was laughing too much.

God, I love being in my 40s.

They're in their 40s.

Okay. I'm so glad that's what you're focused on right now.

Sorry if I'm a little scattered.

Candace, you just told me you didn't love me.

Stop it.

You know that I love you.

And I know I'm going to be with you forever.

Oh, I feel so free.

I feel like Alyssa Liu right now

I just don't know if I'm ready to start forever. Right now.

Whoa, whoa. Such a girlfriend.

Sorry. What did you say?

See? See, this is what I'm talking about.

I'm always fighting for your attention.

I'm sorry I can't get a read on these guys.

Best bachelor party ever.

This is a bachelor party.

I cannot believe you right now. Candace!

Come on, don't cry. Oh, my gosh, you guys.

Look who finally showed up.

Hudson!

so glad you're here.

I know, it's pretty great. Hey, sorry I'm late, fellas,

but I have a serious question.

Yeah.

Who's ready to skate their butts off?

Huntsman's hilarious.

And a lot of my issues are my own.

Like,

sometimes I think that I don't deserve you,

and you've just got so much on your plate, it's like, who am I?

You know

what?

Come on. Ride that train and ride it.

I've never felt so cool.

How is that even possible?

I don't know, it's just how I feel.

No, I. Sorry.

I meant, like, how is ice skating in a four person train

the coolest that

that guy has ever felt. Stop using those guys

as a distraction and talk to me, Caspar.

I stay like an Egyptian and.

Okay, that's going viral.

You guys are going to be famous.

Tell me.

Tell me what you're thinking right now. And please be honest.

I mean, honestly, I'm thinking that there's

no way the Egyptian thing goes viral, right?

Oh, okay. Okay. Good bye. Caspar. Candace, wait.

Okay. You're right. I'm sorry.

I have felt distracted, but we can work through it.

Back where? It's back. All right.

Oh, my God, we're backwards again.

You guys slow down.

If I fall, Kendrick Lamar is literally going

to need to find himself a new producer.

I don't understand,

right?

Like,

how is that guy in any way associated with Kendrick Lamar?

I'm not talking about those guys.

You know what?

Maybe this is a sign.

Maybe what? We both actually need is some time apart.

Okay. Sounds good. I'm gonna hang with these guys.

I have to figure out their secret.

Our secret? One word.

Tag. 0h!!

Okay, so

if I'm in a party and there are five chicks

I like and four of them leave,

then I have one chick remaining.

Oh, yes. Dude, you just nailed some traction.

Well, I got it because you put it in terms I understand.

Hot as chicas.

Hey, turkeys, can I say something?

Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot.

With all those pranks I pulled on you.

Like when I put peanut butter on your crack

and unleashed a pack of dogs or.

Or when I pantsed you at the dance

and started playing your ass cheeks like bongos.

That was funny. Yeah. Yeah. Point is, I was wrong about you.

You're not such a dweeb after all.

Turkeys. You know what?

Come sit next to me at lunch tomorrow. Are you.

Are you serious with the cool kids? Yeah.

I'd be honored.

Of course.

Oh. And bring your good sandwich.

Bye. Bye. Wow.

Wait, P.J., before you go, there's

something I wanted to show you.

Yeah.

What's up?

Dude?

Thank you for coming to my house.

Thank you for coming to my house.

I don't.

Thank you for coming to my house.

You got a fat ass like Mickey Mouse.

You're gonna like being friends with me.

Maybe we can even start a family.

Maybe we can even start a family.

Maybe we can even start a family.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you, P.J..

Yeah.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you for coming to my house.

So, see you at lunch tomorrow.

Bring my good sandwich.

No, no, I,

I forgot to have lunch at another school tomorrow.

Maybe next year.

Was it the song?

Kind of.

Yeah.

The whole thing made me feel like

my head was being held underwater.

Hey, sunshine. How you doing?

Oh, PJ.

Oh. Coolest kid in school.

Oh, it's so great to see you here.

I'm actually glad you're still here, because, well,

my wife and I just wanted to

thank you for spending some time with that boy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ever since, the diagnosis last summer, things have just.

I'm so sorry. Things have just been hard for him, so.

Whoa. Diagnosis. I know Dr. Chris was sick.

Yeah, yeah, he has long cold, like, just a very long cold. So,

anyway, PJ, it's been a struggle for Fergus,

and this means a lot to us. Yes. Jeez.

Now I feel bad.

Dirk, listen.

I shouldn't have judged your song.

You were just trying to express yourself and pursue greatness.

And as Timothy Charlemagne recently taught us.

That's cool. Now,

for the first time ever.

And as that ice skating girl with the striped hair taught us,

you can still be a baddy even if you're a little cracked up.

Look.

What I'm trying to say is,

come sit with me at lunch tomorrow. Bye.

You mean it?

Yeah. And, hey, bring you your good sandwich.

Oh. It's great.

P.J., can we just say before you go?

Thank you for eating lunch with our son.

Thank you for eating lunch with our son.

He's a weird kid. And you're a hunk.

Thank you for eating lunch with our son.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

We're in love with you, PJ.

Guys, I'm not going to lie.

Y'all are one of the weirdest

families I've ever met in my life.

And it freaks me out that you all have red hair.

It's like you're trying to preserve a community

or something.

He's onto us.

You know.

But then I realized something.

Sometimes being weird is the coolest thing there is.

Look, you don't need to come sit with me, turkeys,

cause I'm going to come sit with you.

And, hey, bring you good sandwich.

Thank you for letting me come to your house.

I could kiss you. All right. On the mouth.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MUMFORD & SONS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WHEN YOU CAN'T WIN

FOR LOSING

AND THE BEGGARS

START CHOOSING ♪

♪ THE CHAOS IN YOUR HEAD

CAUSE THE CRACKS

TO START SHOWING ♪

♪ ALL KNOWING, ALL GLOWING

WITH THE LIGHT OF THE

DYING TO RAISE THE DEAD OH ♪

♪ YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY

BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART

I WILL CALL YOU

BY YOUR NAME ♪

♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY

FROM THE CRACK

TO THE BREAK ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪

♪♪

♪ STEADY YOURSELF

AND YOUR TUMBLEWEED WORDS

BE A STREET CORNER

PREACHER ♪

♪ OR JUST FEED THE BIRDS

BUT DON'T HOLD TO YOURSELF

WITH HARD MORTAR AND STONE ♪

♪ BE A RUBBER BAND MAN

MAKE THE WATER YOUR BONES ♪

♪ DYING JUST TO LIVE

NOW YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY

BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART

AND I WILL CALL YOU

BY YOUR NAME ♪

♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY

FROM THE CRACK

TO THE BREAK ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪

♪ WHEN I SAID FOREVER

YOU SAID

GET BACK IN THE CAR ♪

♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE

YOU KNOW IT

BREAKS MY HEART ♪

♪ AND I'LL CALL YOU ANYTHING

THAT YOU LIKE ♪

♪ I AM FREE AND I'M ABLE

TO CALL YOU THE

SECOND THAT YOU DIE ♪

♪ JUST TO LIVE NOW

YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY

BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪

♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART

AND I WILL CALL YOU

BY YOUR NAME ♪

♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY

FROM THE CRACK

TO THE BREAK ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪

♪ WHEN I SAID FOREVER

YOU SAID

GET BACK IN THE CAR ♪

♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE

YOU KNOW IT

BREAKS MY HEART ♪

♪ YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY

BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ NEW INK ON YOUR SKIN

RED LIPS IN THE DARK ♪

♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE

YOU KNOW IT

BREAKS MY HEART ♪

♪ PUT A SHIVER ON YOUR SKIN

DO YOUR HAIR IN THE CAR ♪

♪ IF NOTHING LASTS

FOREVER BABE

CAN WE MAKE A START ♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Good evening everyone.

Welcome the weekend update I'm Michael che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, guys, I'm starting to worry

that President Trump might not win that peace prize

after launching a massive military strike against Iran.

Trump announced hours ago that they officially killed

the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei,

and replaced him with, oh my God, the guy from Venezuela.

This attack might be a bad idea.

I don't know, I'm not really an expert on Iran.

So let's hear from someone who can explain

why we might have done it.

The president is good

because he has absolutely no influence.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, now that's the Trump I voted for.

Detractors on CNN are saying that Trump had no authorization

for this war, but he actually did. Netanyahu said it was okay.

I can't believe our leader could just attack Iran

with no vote, no permission from Congress or anything.

I mean, what is this Iran?

President Trump's State of the Union address this week

was the longest in history, lasting almost two full diapers.

During the state of the Union address,

President Trump said, our nation is back

bigger, better and stronger than ever before.

Same said, the measles.

The U.S.

women's hockey team turned down

President Trump's invitation to attend.

You clap

But that only made Trump want the more.

President Trump angrily claimed that Minnesota

has been ransacked by Somali pirates.

But that's only because Trump's kind of an “ARR” word.

Andrew Mountbatten Windsor,

the former prince and current River corpse.

Has been arrested and now may be banned from ever

taking the throne.

In fact, the royal family said the only way he can become king

is if it comes down to either him or Meghan.

Hillary Clinton testified this week

and said she

confident that Bill Clinton had no knowledge

of Jeffrey Epstein's crimes,

though

there is an outside chance that Hillary

sometimes doesn't know what her husband is up to.

It was reported that Jeffrey Epstein

hid photographs in secret storage lockers

across the country,

but I guess he had to take a lot

of pictures because kids grow up so fast.

What is this, Iran

Researchers have developed a new nasal

spray vaccine that can protect people

against the flu, Covid and other respiratory diseases.

But to get it approved by RFK

they're calling it shark testicle creatine.

During a Black History Month event at the white House,

President Trump defended himself from criticism

that he is racist by listing his black friends,

including Nicki Minaj, Jim Brown and Mike Tyson.

Wow, that's two more than you Colin

Cool.

Well, we have a lot of news to cover this week.

So here to provide

a recap of some headlines is Beth's maid of honor, Katie.

Hello? Hi.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Katie.

And for those of you who do know me, I'm sorry,

but seriously,

I'm not here to talk about Beth.

Her Scrabble addiction, her dog Skittles,

or her best friend turned husband Cody

forgot to do.

No. I'm here to talk about

the wave of narco terrorism caused by the Mexican cartel.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Good. Diving right into the news.

Yes, but seriously,

El Macho, Mexico's most wanted man

and leader of the drug cartel, was killed on Sunday or as Beth

and I like to call it, bottomless mimosa today.

Cody, cover your ears. No, but seriously, after him.

And just like

the whole new generation cartel unleashed

a wave of violence across

Mexico, attacking citizens, setting vehicles

ablaze, and turning the city into a ghost town.

A ghost town, and more like Cody cited

the church during the ceremony. Sorry, Cody.

You guys all family? No, but seriously,

I mean, this all seems very serious.

I'm sorry. Katie, wait.

I don't think this is the most appropriate way

to talk about some of this news. Hell, yeah.

Now let's leave the mood with a little walk down memory lane.

That's right.

I'm talking about that steam file.

No, no, no, you guys, the new emails

publish the names of over 20,000 individuals.

Kind of sounds like the invite list for tonight.

Sorry about that.

No, seriously,

I found it on Google that I really love.

When you're in jail,

a good friend will try to bail you out,

but a best friend will be in a cell next to you staying down.

That was fun.

And I think that pretty much describes me and Beth,

but also Jeffrey Epstein and Prince Andrew. Okay.

All right.

We could maybe move past.

Have seen you have a lighter stories, maybe at the Olympics.

You want to talk about that? Hell, yeah. Yeah.

Every four years, nations gather for the Olympics.

Which reminds me.

The war in Ukraine rages on. It on its four year mark.

Four years.

That's how long it took Cody to define the relationship.

Oh, okay. That's pretty good.

But seriously, that's maid of honor. Everyone

treat her right, Cody.

A former Olympic athlete who promoted the run

walk, run strategy to running, has died at the age of 80.

Cause of death was listed as run walk bus.

Paramount has won the bidding war to take over Warner Brothers

Discovery after Netflix decided to not submit another offer.

Instead, Netflix spent an hour scrolling around for a new offer

before giving up and going to bed.

A photo from The Epstein Files has gone viral,

showing the late physicist Stephen Hawking

lying between two women in bikinis.

Which brings me to my segment.

Hear me out.

Hear me out.

Okay.

You can't be mad at Stephen Hawking

for being in this picture. What was he supposed to do?

Walk away.

They basically trafficked him.

He had no choice but to forgive the expression. Roll with it.

And don't forget the most

important thing Doctor Hawking taught us. Time is relative.

So that means age is just a number away. Oh. That's not.

This has been.

Hear me out.

Oh, man.

A 70 year old man is saying that he discovered

he had a serious heart issue

after getting an alert from his smart mattress.

While a regular mattress.

Diagnose my drinking problem with a big old wet spot.

Thursday was National Small Dog Day,

which is celebrated every February by Hawks.

Today is the last day of Black History Month,

sponsored by Tourettes.

This show was for someone else.

Some American Girl doll collectors

say they are upset with a new line of modern

era dolls that appear skinnier than previous dolls.

Skinnier now with those cankles.

And. Actress Amanda Seyfried

revealed in an interview that for a scene

in her new movie, she used a prosthetic butt hole.

Even more disturbing,

the movie is Stuart Little in the Forbidden Cave.

Well, the internet has fallen in love

with a baby monkey named punch,

who is being.

He's being bullied by other monkeys after his mom

abandoned him here with her side of the story is punch.

His mom.

Oh, y'all don't know me.

You also know me. You don't know me.

You don't know me.

But you, fella, you could get to know me.

Hey, you like my body, curly?

I think I think I think I'm good, but everyone,

everyone is wondering, you know, why did you abandon punch?

Oh, I had a really good reason.

Okay. What is it? I don't wanna.

Oh! Shut up!

Shut the hell up! You shut up. You shut up! Shut the hell up!

Why is everyone so mad at punches, mom?

What about punches, dad?

Well, who is punches, dad? Well, how am I supposed to know?

I'm like a public library. Anyone could come inside.

Oh! Shut up! I've been with all the A-list monkeys.

I've been what? King Kong?

Something you might not expect about him.

His penis is actually huge.

I lost, I slept with George.

For someone so curious,

he sure had no interest in finding my bean.

Oh, well, let's just say I was Harun Bay's last meal.

Oh, God, I shall. Shut up!

Shut the hell up! Kiss my. Yes!

Kiss my monkey. Yes!

Kiss my ass! Colin.

You ain't my body, girl. And I'm not.

You know what?

You know what punches mom?

We actually have a little surprise for you.

Let's bring him out. It's punch.

Oh, surprise!

Hi, everybody.

Oh! Hell no. Oh! Come on.

How could you not love a face like that?

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Why won't you love me?

You're breaking my heart.

Oh. I should get your mama a hug.

Oh. Oh. Oh, man. Look at that.

Oh, it's a reunion.

That's so sweet, Carl. And now I want another baby.

Oh, wait.

Oh, come on, Colin, you know we share 98% of the same DNA.

All I'm asking for is a little bit more.

Maury, you was punch and his mom. Everyone.

Oh, my God.

For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Jost, I'm Michael che.

Good night.

So basically it was a whole thing.

And they have not talked since.

Wow. I did not realize you knew

so much about Hilary Duff family. Yeah.

Just say it's a special interest of mine.

Okay, so, Griff, you just got back from a trip, right?

Oh, yeah.

I feel like you were gone for a while. Yeah, yeah. I'm lucky.

You know, I had a ton of PTO, and I figured, if not now, when?

Oh, wow. That's amazing.

You were in Europe. Where abouts?

So we did Italy for a day.

We did Spain for a day, and then Turkey

for two months, and. Oh,

that must be the sheet pan nachos

Oh my God.

Griff, did you get that leg lengthening surgery?

Leg lengthening, sir?

That's a tongue twister. Am I right, Davis?

Yeah, seriously, it's like Sheila shakes a shallow leg.

Like, does the surgery work?

Exactly. Davis.

Anyway, I better go get those nachos.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I am.

I'm fine.

Dude, you're like, seven foot two.

Just admit you got the surgery. Yeah, bro, you're like two.

Haley Duff's tall right now. You.

Am I wrong?

We don't know. Dude. You used to be, like five one,

five one.

You want don't have I think I got, like,

maybe when I was a baby.

No, I specifically remember you were five one

before you left for Turkey because you dated a girl.

That was five two.

And she said, I'll literally kill myself

if my boyfriend is one inch shorter than me.

And unfortunately, we lost her.

But guys, guys.

Come on. Did you ever think that maybe just Griff grew?

You know, like, people have growth spurts?

Not when you're 31.

Okay, well. Well, maybe he hit a second puberty.

Or, as I like to call it, a two. Brodie.

Yes. Is a two. Three?

Yes. Dude. You're awesome. Davis. Dude, by the way.

Hey, Kyle.

We got to do a basketball rematch, brother.

What happen? Having a pow wow.

All right, dunk on your ass. You're not dunking.

I'm not playing you in basketball.

Oh, scared and so scared.

I've never seen him scared like this.

Hey. Yeah, I am scared of your new Turkish legs shattering

guys.

Seriously, though, if I got the leg

lengthening surgery or whatever, would I be able to do this?

Yes, definitely.

Okay, fine, I admit it. I got the surgery.

Are you happy now?

Yeah. Seriously, are you guys happy now?

Davis, why are you so invested in this?

Oh, oh, I'll tell you why.

Because in order for Griff to achieve his dreams,

I had to donate my leg bones.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

You both got leg shortening surgery.

You didn't have to do that. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I did, because that's what friends do.

No, like you medically didn't have to do that.

They use rods. It's not like a kidney.

Well, I'm glad I didn't know that information

because I love my new little legs.

Yes. Davis. Yeah.

I love them legs, man.

Now, the doctor did say that there's an 80% chance

my body will reject his bones,

but doctors will be saying whatever.

Hey. Hey, man.

The second I am medically cleared

to stand in 2029, I am giving you that hug.

Oh my gosh.

And in the meantime, I'll bring the hug to you here. But

Oh, my.

Oh my goodness.

Y'all distracted me and the sheet tray, not Joseph.

Bernie I gotta go grab some nachos. Oh, nachos.

Oh yeah.

Great.

Another bad day in a series of bad days for me.

Don't ask me. Hi, guys. Everybody. Randall.

If I can get everyone's attention for a snack.

Look,

I know spirits are low after the third round of layoffs,

so I think it would be great to brainstorm

some ways to raise office morale.

How about some more vacation days?

Okay. That's great. Who else?

What about an espresso machine for the kitchen

or, new TV for the break room?

Okay, these are all great. Any other ideas?

I have an idea.

We should have a dance.

I'm sorry. What?

We should have a big dance.

The boys in tuxedos, the girls in gowns.

A night to remember.

Okay, sure.

Probably not a dance, but, what about some other ideas?

Oh, I think we should get a women's bathroom.

I'm tired of sticking my bare ass out the window

every time I have to go.

Hannah, we have a women's bathroom.

We do?

Well, in that case, I vote for the dance.

Quick question about the dance.

Would we, bring our wives and husbands?

No, we would go with each other.

The boys would ask the girls.

And for one night only, the outside world doesn't exist.

Severin style.

And what do you mean by seven? Stop.

Well, at home you can be one person,

but in the office you're living a completely different life.

And I've been living seven style this whole time.

No, Jerry, you're just having an affair.

My enemy is my outie is actually a really good man.

He's a father and a husband who doesn't cheat.

Never miss a baseball game because he was drinking.

He's a good man. And that.

So I have to say about that.

Okay.

Moving on. What else will happen at this dance?

Oh, well, the office nerd will take off

their glasses, revealing they're actually beautiful.

Too bad we don't have an office nerd.

Hey, girl.

Question for the dance.

Could we sneak alcohol into the office?

You already do that, Randall?

No. I just bring my big bottle of sprite every day, and.

That's right.

It's from.

Oh, and another thing.

At the end of the night, we would crown a king

and the queen.

Oh I know who the king's going to be.

Egbert.

Maybe it's the sprite talking but

I'd hit it.

At him.

Oh that's great. Got a bite.

So it's settled.

Egbert will be king, and the queen

will be the hottest girl in the office.

Okay, on the count of three, let's all say who

we think the hottest girl in the office is.

No, guys, no one.

Two. Three. Hannah.

No one else said anything.

Cool.

Okay, now all we need are, dates.

Cassie.

Ever since the first day I started working here,

you, like, totally changed my life.

Oh, so I'm going to take a chance.

Oh. Cassie, will you go to the dance with me?

Oh, every bone in my body

is telling me you're just going to hurt me.

But, yes,

you guys are both married to other people.

Not tonight.

Nice. Seven. Stop.

Well, looks like all we need now is some music,

Making out with that?

Mumford and sons, we are using our bathroom.

Of course.

You, we do everything together.

Now let's get king eggs laid for the very first time.

What makes you think I haven't been? I haven't?

>>> ONCE AGAIN, MUMFORD & SONS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WELL HERE'S MY

FINAL SERENADE

HERE'S A GUN

AND HERE'S A BLADE ♪

♪ HERE'S A PICTURE

THAT I SAVED

FOR TOO LONG ♪

♪ HERE'S MY

CREDIT CARD AND KEYS

AND THE REASON

I WON'T FIND PEACE ♪

♪ HERE'S A SONG

I COULD NOT COMPLETE

FOR TOO LONG ♪

♪ HERE'S MY PRIDE

AND HERE'S MY SHAME

HERE'S A TROPHY

THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪

♪ HERE'S ALL THE

MISTAKES I MADE

FOR TOO LONG ♪

♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS

I NEVER GAVE

HERE'S THE CALLS

I SHOULDA MADE ♪

♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE

THAT I CRAVED

ALL ALONG ♪

♪ WELL HERE'S MY VISION

HERE'S MY AIM

HERE'S MY ADDRESS

AND THE ONES I BLAME ♪

♪ WHILE YOU'RE SITTING

TAKING NAMES

I JUST WANT TO BELONG ♪

♪ HERE'S MY LONELY SERENADE

HERE'S A GUN AND

HERE'S A BLADE ♪

♪ HERE'S A PICTURE

THAT I SAVED

BEFORE YOU WERE GONE ♪

♪ AND HERE'S MY PRIDE

AND HERE'S MY SHAME

HERE'S A TROPHY

THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪

♪ HERE'S ALL THE

MISTAKES I MADE

FOR TOO LONG ♪

♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS

I NEVER GAVE

HERE'S THE CALLS

I SHOULDA MADE ♪

♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE

THAT I CRAVE

ALL ALONG ♪

♪ CAN YOU HOLD

ALL MY SECRETS

CAN WE SWEAR

THAT WE CAN FORGET ♪

♪ I HAD LIES LIKE

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE

BROUGHT TO MY KNEES ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ WELL HERE'S MY PRIDE

AND HERE'S MY SHAME

HERE'S A TROPHY

THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪

♪ HERE'S ALL THE

MISTAKES I MADE

FOR TOO LONG ♪

♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS

I NEVER GAVE

HERE'S THE CALLS

I SHOULDA MADE ♪

♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE

THAT I CRAVED

ALL ALONG ♪

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

The suite is so nice.

I can't believe you guys splurge on my bachelorette party.

Oh, we love you. So fun.

Well, get ready, because for my bachelorette,

I'm going to make you guys take me to Europe.

Oh, okay.

Just try getting to a relationship first.

Oh, my God, I'm trying.

Oh! Ooh! Who could that be?

Don't tell me you guys got a stripper.

Guilty.

I am serious.

I like these.

Oh my God.

Oh, my God, the plumber.

Is that.

Oh my God!

Are you okay?

Oh, I was hit by a little car on my way here,

but I've never missed the party,

and I'm not going to start now.

Oh. Who wants to see my abs?

Oh. Oh.

Oh. I'm worried about him, but I definitely don't

want him to stop.

Well, I just hope his penis is unscathed.

Oh, can we know you're gay? You don't have to do all that.

Oh, okay.

So I have so many more clothes to put on the floor.

Oh. Oh, I think that's his sexy

little lady who wants to help me.

Brown hair like mama. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Gorgeous woman.

I'm on my way to you.

Wow. He's using his plunger to crawl towards me.

That's so hot.

Oh. What's your name? Mama.

Ella.

Was your last name?

Okay. I feel like you're just, like, stalling to get over.

Okay.

Okay. Oh.

Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, yes.

Will you dance with me? Yes.

00000.

Okay. You got a lot of blood. Okay.

Will you take off my pants? Are you.

Are you sure?

Because it seemed like

when you took your shirt off, it hurt really bad.

No, these are terrible.

Oh, okay. One. Two. Three. Oh.

Three. Yeah.

Oh, Serge, is your leg okay?

What do you think? I got it back.

Well, ladies, I think we're all thinking the same thing.

His body is mid.

It's literally the best I've ever seen.

Oh my God.

Sounds like someone's little lap dance.

I guess I frankly do.

Oh, do not be so sexy.

It took my breath. Okay.

Oh. Oh. Oh,

and you stuck my bed.

Oh. Oh.

I'm good.

Have you wrapped it around, like, around my thigh?

Oh, like like a tourniquet.

Guys, I think he passed out.

Hey, Serge. You okay? Oh my God. Oh!

Oh my God. Oh! Oh, my. Oh!

Oh, it's a party.

Great.

Oh! Oh.

Going down.

Oh my God!

Is he dead?

Your life is like this.

My biggest thanks to Mumford and Sons

Quinn Hughes, Jack Hughes, Hilary Knight, Megan Keller,

Hudson Williams, Hozier,

Gerard Farrell and Aaron Desker.

This is truly been an absolute dream come true.

My biggest thank you to Lorne Michaels for having me here.

Thank you. Thank you everyone.

Thank you to Kerry Powers Rebecca Schwartz.

Thank you to my team. Thank you to the crew and the cast.

Everyone is like so incredible.

I truly cannot believe this. Thank you to everyone.

Thank you to Donna. Thank you to Jenna.

It's, like, absolutely insane

just how many people are constantly running around

and, like, this is the best environment ever.

So thank you so much.