Original subtitles

Max: This is my boss Jonathan Hart,

a self-made millionaire.

He's quite a guy.

This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.

She's one lady who knows how to take care of herself.

By the way, my name is Max.

I take care of both of them,

which ain't easy, 'cause when they met,

it was murder.

Let's go.

Help.

How are you, Frankie?

Fine.

I told you I was gonna have your money.

That was two weeks ago, Frank,

you're using up a lot of interest.

Well, I need another week.

I'm onto a real good thing.

I'm trying to think of a reason to believe you.

I swear, Tony, I'll get your money back.

Just one more week.

Okay, Frankie, but this is business

we have to get done.

Huh?

Wait a minute, wait.

That's your collection notice, Frank.

We go one week, or they're gonna pour what's left of you

into a little rubber bag.

Man: Chateau Margot, '66.

Cleau de mouche, '76, Ah.

'78.

Oh, my.

You have a remarkable family of wines here, Mr. Hart.

Well, that's why we wanted the world's best protection

for our cellar, Cecil.

Cellar, Mr. Hart?

Oh, no, that will never do.

A monastery,

a nursery where your precious children rest,

maturing, waiting to come of age.

To get their corks popped.

Cecil: Now let me explain Grape Guard's security system to you.

It is essentially a very simple system

though may appear somewhat complicated.

It's fabricated in America,

though it does use Japanese components.

Nevertheless, it has proven itself to be

remarkably reliable.

Now we've placed over three dozen heat sensitive switches

like this one throughout the room.

Oh, yes, we wouldn't want the little ones to get too warm.

Well, it would be somewhat disconcerting, Mrs. Hart,

not to mention costly to discover oneself

to be the proud owners of one of the world's

most expensive collection of salad dressings.

Quite.

Now then, the heat sensors are connected

to a central alarm box over here.

And if by chance the room becomes uninhabitable

for the wine, Grape Guard's swap team

would be immediately alerted.

What is a swap team?

Ah.

Spirits Wines Aperitif Protection.

And should we be unable to reach you by telephone,

our concerned enologist would be dispatched

to remedy the situation.

Is that light supposed to be

flashing on and off like that, Cecil?

Just as a slight aside Mr. Hart,

I would rather prefer Cecil.

And yes, indeed, that light should be lighted.

And for your sake, I hope it is,

for that is your auxiliary power indicator.

Oh, you have your own generator.

Well, it is your generator now, Mrs. Hart.

And please understand that it's very important

that should your power fail,

your cooling system would fail

and then what would happen to your precious children?

It will become very important to you,

your backup generator would automatically switch on

and our office would be notified.

I'm trying to think what more I should tell you.

- Darling? - Oh, well

I don't think there's any more we need to know.

Bottoms up.

Bottoms up indeed.

Jonathan: Now that Cecil's gone... Cecil.

We can have some lunch.

Wonderful, I'm starving.

What have we got for lunch, Max?

Max, what's the matter?

Remember that ad I answered last year looking for a pen pal?

Yes.

And you got one, what was her name, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth Tisdale, living happily in New York

and too afraid to fly to grab a plane

to come out and see me.

Well, what's wrong?

I forgot about the train.

Mr. H, I got to get out of town,

maybe I could take my vacation early.

What's the problem, Max?

She's gonna be very unpleasantly surprised,

surprised that I don't own this house,

that I don't own the Rolls Royce

and that you're not serving me lunch.

I invented a few little things to impress her.

- Listen... - Don't say it, Mr. H,

I'm stupid enough as it is.

But Elizabeth has this big house in New York,

an entire staff to service her,

I thought I'd be boring unless I invented

a few little things about myself.

Tell her I'm in the hospital in quarantine.

Max, you can't run away from things forever.

Quarantine won't work, she'll wait.

Tell her I passed away unexpectedly,

nothing serious, I was happy.

I just went to sleep quietly one night and didn't wake up.

When is she due?

When is she due, Max?

In an hour.

Both: An hour?

Well, I made my noose, I guess I'll have to hang in it.

Maybe not.

Last time I felt like this, Mr. H,

I was explaining that my losses at Santa Anita

were a business deduction.

Jonathan: You'll do fine, Max.

Hello. I'm Elizabeth Tisdale.

Yes, please come in.

Elizabeth.

Max.

Max: Your picture doesn't do you justice.

I was just about to say the same thing to you.

- My luggage. - Oh, sure, I'll get it.

I'll take care of that, sir.

Perhaps Ms. Tisdale would like to have some refreshments

after her long journey, I'll take care of her things.

Oh, thanks, Jonathan.

That's a good idea,

how about you and I have a little cocktail?

How was your trip?

Confining.

Somehow train travel isn't quite as romantic

as you'd like it to be.

Oh, I love your place, it's so homey.

Yeah, I think of all my properties,

I like this the best.

Oh, yes.

- Here, Elizabeth. - Thank you.

Sir, is there anything you need?

I'm not sure, Mrs. H... Jennifer.

Jennifer, this is Ms. Tisdale.

Elizabeth, Jennifer.

Nice to meet you.

Ma'am.

Dinner in an hour?

That'll be fine, Jennifer.

Very good, thank you.

Oh, you're very lucky,

good servants are almost impossible to come by.

I let them know that at least once a day.

How nice.

To you.

To us.

- How's it going? - It seems to be going okay.

Oh.

I win.

It's the dining room.

You rang, sir?

You rang, sir?

I have to keep reminding myself that this was our idea.

No, it was your idea.

Mine?

Darling, can I help you?

Yes, you could type up our references.

You rang, sir?

Finished, Elizabeth?

Yes, thank you.

You can clear, Jonathan.

Sir.

Oy.

How is the dessert coming?

Are they finished?

They must have been starving.

They hardly touched their meat. Didn't they like the roast?

What? Oh, no, I'm sure that they liked it very much,

it's just that I may be have been

a little over generous with the carving

and also the soup was very filling.

It was consommé.

Well, maybe that new butcher gave a us a bad cut,

you know, a cheaper piece of meat.

No, no, no, no, I got the same cut I always get,

Everything was identical.

I made it just the way you like it.

Here, you have a taste of it.

You tell me what you think.

There you go, what do you think?

Just like always.

- Good. - Aren't you a little...

overdressed tonight with the... Oh...

I'll take it off.

Now, darling, you know,

I am a... I'm a secure

and reasonably capable woman, am I not?

You're more than capable, darling.

How's the dessert coming?

And you know my entire life's happiness does not depend

on whether or not you like my roast.

Of course not.

So you can be perfectly honest with me.

You can tell me if there's anything that isn't exactly

four-star about the meat, you can be perfectly...

It's perfect, it's perfect, honestly.

I mean, I look forward to Max's night out

in the kitchen, really.

Oh, good.

Well, I'm just gonna put a little more cream on top of this.

Is the coffee ready?

You know, if I was going to say anything,

I would say that perhaps there was a touch too much tarragon.

Oh?

Well, thank you.

What I mean is,

it's too much if you're not expecting it.

If you were warned ahead of time,

you might...

It's nothing, just the dishwasher cycling.

My apologies, sir.

There'll be a slight delay before the dessert is served.

That's fine, Jonathan.

Oh, Jonathan, tell Jennifer

she put too much tarragon in the beef again.

Jonathan: Gee, darling, it's been a long time

since we've been in Max's room.

I'm exhausted.

Me too.

How long is Elizabeth staying?

I don't know, but I hope she goes soon.

- Good night. - Good night.

Frank: Don't worry. pooch, you'll be fine in the morning.

Shh.

Frank, what are you doing here?

I just came by to see how my favorite aunt was doing.

How are you, Auntie El?

I want to know how you found me.

You know you really shouldn't leave

your personal mail lying around.

I mean, anyone could read it.

But not everyone would.

Look, I don't know why you're here,

but we can't talk now.

Please, please leave.

So you really landed a big one?

That I suppose is...

explains why you're here.

Are you kidding?

Auntie El, look around.

I mean, this little pen pal of yours,

he's loaded.

Get out of here.

Not until I get what I came for.

Yes, get me the police.

Go ahead.

But remember,

we both have something to hide.

Yes, I... I want to report a break in.

I'm at...

I'm not kidding.

I need money.

You're in trouble again.

Nothing a small fortune in gold

and silver and paintings wouldn't cure.

But you see, I'm more honest than you are.

I'd rather steal a fortune than marry one.

Get out of here, now.

Oh, I forgot my jacket.

Hold this.

Sometimes it's hard to believe you and I are related.

Don't you come back here, Frank.

Good morning, Max.

Hi, how'd you sleep?

Like a baby.

Hey, I'm impressed.

Eggs Max, I make 'em all the time.

Really?

I would've thought your servants would prepare breakfast for you.

Well, yeah, sure but they had a very tough day,

I always let 'em sleep late.

You let your servants sleep late?

Well, that's very generous.

Well, as I always say, a happy domestic

is a productive domestic.

As long as it doesn't get out of hand.

Oh, Max, we're alone.

Give me a cup of coffee please, right in the vein.

Yeah, sure, Jennifer.

Oh, I'm so tired, did you get the paper this morning?

Max.

Generosity is one thing,

but this is socialism.

Oh... miss... ma'am.

Did you sleep well?

I hope you realize how lucky you are

to be employed by a man like this.

Not many employers would allow their servants

to just walk into a room and order breakfast.

Oh, I didn't order, I hinted.

You've never tasted Jennifer's coffee.

We have a deal, I don't dust the furniture

and she doesn't go near the coffee.

I don't go near it.

Oh, Jennifer, Elizabeth and I will have breakfast

on the patio.

Very good, sir.

I'll be right with you.

Darling, you've spent ten minutes on that side.

Last time I was making beds,

they came by and bounced a quarter on them.

Here, try it, go ahead.

See what I mean?

Well, I don't think you have to worry, darling.

Elizabeth wasn't in the Navy.

Darling,

did Max move the Revere candlesticks?

No, last time I saw them they were right over there.

Well, maybe Max moved them.

Why would he do that?

Well, this is the last of it.

Darling, you haven't seen my emerald ring, have you?

I put it right up there when I took it off last night.

It's not over here.

But it can't just have disappeared,

I wouldn't have misplaced a thing like that.

Well, maybe you left it in Max's room.

No, I wouldn't have left it in Max's room, darling.

I took it off and put it right up there last night.

Well, why would you leave your emerald ring out here in the first place,

- I don't understand that. - Because I was washing dishes

last night and I took it... why are we arguing?

All of a sudden things are disappearing ever since Elizabeth got here.

Champagne.

Maybe I should've knocked.

Tony.

Tony... No, look, Frank.

Look, I don't like to mix business with pleasure,

or I guess I should say business with business.

I'll wait in the living room.

Hey, this is a private suite, I could call hotel security.

Shh.

Why don't you go lock yourself up in the bathroom?

It's okay, honey, it's okay.

Tony, Tony,

you should've told me you were coming into town.

No I mean it, I did try to call you,

- but then it was last minute. - I know, I know.

You know, these things happen, something came up.

And, Tony, what I wanted to tell you was,

is I'm working on this really big money deal out here.

- I'm gonna pay you back... - Nice hotel, Frank.

What's this place going for, $200, $300 a night, yeah?

No, what are you kidding?

I mean, you've come up a long way since New York.

You're not careful, you're gonna go down a few feet.

Tony, Tony please.

Now listen to me, I mean, it's my aunt,

she's got this boyfriend, he's some Bel Air millionaire.

I mean, you've got to see this guy's house,

- it's worth a fortune. - I'm not here to house hunt, Frank.

No, Tony, listen to me.

There's all kinds of stuff in there we can fence.

Overnight.

And my aunt, I mean she's got this old guy

wrapped around her little finger.

Does this old guy live alone?

No, two servants, one male, one woman.

We go in, it's a two-hour job,

we clean it out and I'll pay you back everything I owe you,

I swear to God.

What do you say?

I say that...

you just bought yourself a couple of more days.

Thank you, Tony, thank you.

But you got to be realistic about this, Frankie.

Because you can't run away from me.

I wasn't planning to.

Or else you're gonna die trying.

Thank you, Max, I had such a wonderful day.

I'm glad.

Oh, I don't know about you,

but with all the eating

and the shopping and the excitement,

I'm really bushed.

I'm happy that you had such a good time.

You know, Max, your letters were always so warm and special.

But you're so much more than that.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

What is it, Jonathan?

If there's nothing else...

There's nothing for you two, good night.

That'll be all, thank you.

Sir, could we have a word with you in the kitchen?

It won't take a moment.

I'll see you in the morning.

Good night.

Sorry, Max, but it can't wait.

I don't understand it, Mr. H.

Why would a woman like Elizabeth

swipe things she could buy?

People steal for a lot of different reasons, Max.

Sometimes it's just to get attention.

She's getting lots of attention.

Max, no one else has been in the house.

I really think you're going to have to ask her.

What can I say, Mr. H?

There are a lot of things missing around the house

and we've been wondering, maybe you swiped 'em?

You don't have to put it that way, Max.

I know this is going to be difficult, but really.

Okay, I'll do it, but I'll handle it my way.

I think I can check things out without her ever knowing.

We'll see you in the morning.

Sure, thanks.

By the way, I'm taking Elizabeth out

to the harness races tomorrow night.

I'd appreciate it if one of you would see

that the car was washed before then.

Now take it easy on that.

You've got a big week ahead of you.

Tell me about this alarm.

It's already out.

It wasn't easy though.

This old man, he's got an alarm system that's unbelievable.

I rigged the indicator light to make it look like

it's still working.

What about the front gate?

No problem. I'll take care of that from the inside,

by the time you get there it'll already be done.

I'm impressed Frankie.

Just goes to show what you can do

when you... your life hangs in the balance.

Now...

I usually don't take such exposed position

when collecting my debts

and what that means is I don't like to get,

I don't want to get traced to this.

No, no, no, wait a minute,

if it's my aunt you're worried about,

she won't talk.

And the old man and the help,

they won't be no problem.

Well, I know that.

Because by the time anybody finds out where they're buried,

they're not gonna be in any condition to do any talking.

Well, hello again.

I hope I didn't disturb you.

Oh, no.

Look, Jennifer and Jonathan are asleep.

We've got the place all to ourselves.

Yes?

How about you and I sneaking down

and getting some hot cocoa?

Oh, that would be nice.

Oh, I forgot something in my room.

Would you please go and put on the milk?

I'll be right down.

Oh, sure, but don't be too long.

Two shakes.

Hello, Freeway.

I bet you'd like a treat.

You know what?

When Max and I went shopping today,

we got something just for you.

I'll tell you what, you wait here

and I'll go up and get it

and then we'll all have our own

little late night party, okay?

Be right back.

Max, how nice.

Let's just be careful not to wake the servants.

Trust me, Mr. H, she's okay.

I had a good chance to check things out,

if she'd taken anything it would be in her room.

Well, I'm happy about that, Max, but...

Good morning, ma'am.

Good morning.

I hope everybody slept well. I know I did.

Am I interrupting something?

No, it's just a little domestic problem.

Some things are missing from the house.

Oh?

I know I should've said something before,

but I was sure Frank would listen to me.

I'm sorry, Max.

It's all my fault.

No, it's my fault, I let things go too far.

Elizabeth, in all my letters...

Hello, Auntie El.

I finally get to meet some of your friends.

I know you're a lot of things, Frank,

but I didn't think you were stupid.

It's dead.

Go ahead, if you throw that right, you'd better make it good

'cause it'll be your last.

Go ahead.

You stop wasting my time, okay?

Now you got money in here, where is it?

Well, you can consider your options,

there's no alarm, there're no phones,

the only thing that still works is this.

Ow!

I only got 50 bucks.

Look, pop, don't be stupid,

tell him where the money is.

I'll handle this.

I know you got a safe here, where is it?

Look at you, you guys don't know where you are,

this is Los Angeles, you use credit cards,

who needs cash?

I'll tell you where it is.

I'm listening.

First, we make a deal.

I'm tired of taking care of a fat cat like that.

Now just a minute.

Caring after a man who hides his money,

who could get us all killed.

We make a deal, we split what we find, huh?

You let me and my wife go,

I don't care what happens to them.

Untie them.

I'll put my aunt and him upstairs.

You signed my death warrant, Jonathan.

You're the man with all the money,

maybe you could buy yourself a new life.

Think it's in the wine cellar?

The old man's smart.

We'll take a look down here.

Look at this,

there must be a fortune in wine down here.

The safe's...

probably behind one of these wall racks.

What do you mean probably?

I thought you knew.

You don't think the old man scrooge

would leave me a blueprint, do you?

All I know is he would come down here with his cash

and when he came back upstairs

he had a smug look on his face.

Got a match?

No.

It's back in here.

Well, then you'd better start moving bottles.

I could use a hand.

Max, I'm sorry, this is all my fault.

You can't blame yourself, Elizabeth.

Yes, I can.

Max, I lied to you.

Elizabeth, listen.

No, please let me say this.

You know when I... when I put my ad in that magazine?

I wanted to meet someone just like you.

Only I thought I had to be someone just like you.

I don't have any servants,

I don't have a townhouse on Central Park West.

I'm only a cook,

I have a small savings account

and a rotten conscience.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Max.

You have every right to hate me.

I have no right at all, Elizabeth.

I got to tell you something, too.

When I read your ad, I wanted to impress you,

so I stretched things a little.

I'm no millionaire, I just work for one.

I'm only a cook, just like you.

Hey, that's neat.

So we both lied.

It's dead.

My God, we've got to hurry, man.

The wines are fragile.

Go, man, go!

Well, what do I know?

Maybe it's over there.

You've got about a second to come up with a better story.

Cecil: Mr. Hart?

Oh, my God.

My children.

Oh, no, Oh, no.

No, no, not the... Take the chablis.

Darling.

Mr. Hart, please, the children.

They've been bumped and jostled

and all this confusion upset them.

We survived it, they will.

Oh, Mr. Hart, you don't understand.

The wine never forgets.

Well, that did it for Cecil.

Cecil.

Champagne?

I don't mind if I do.

Cheers, darling.

To downstairs, upstairs.

Cheers.

At least the champagne didn't go to waste.

Did you get Elizabeth settled in her hotel?

Yeah, thanks, Mrs. H.

We might go to the beach tomorrow,

is it okay if I take the day off?

Sure, Max.

Well, it's nice to see that you two

can take care of the house on your own,

nearly as good as I can.

Come on, Freeway.

Three's a crowd.

I didn't know we were that convincing.

No, I knew you'd look cute in that maid's uniform.

Oh, do you think so?

Uh-huh.

With that little feather duster.

Well, you looked pretty cute in your white gloves.

Smile when you say that, ma'am, smile.

Hmm.

What is it?

Nothing, it was fine.

No bells?

No fireworks?

Oh, no, no, it was perfect, really perfect.

Darling, honestly, you can say anything you want to me,

I won't be offended, I mean...

Oh, I got it.

Too much tarragon.