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1
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:11,218
(clock ticking)
2
00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,573
(ticking continues)
3
00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:48,589
(rhythmic footsteps)
4
00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:59,443
(rhythmic footsteps
grow louder)
5
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,647
(men whooping, whistling)
6
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,568
("Strike up the Band"
by George Gershwin playing)
7
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,576
(men whooping, whistling)
8
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,104
(rousing cheers from crowd)
9
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,499
♪ ♪
10
00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:10,506
-(music continues distantly)
-SUSIE: Three hours
11
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:12,298
-for a person to do her hair.
-MIDGE: So what?
12
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,721
SUSIE:
We have got to work on
this lateness thing.
13
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,389
MIDGE:
I was not that late.
14
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:16,677
SUSIE:
We were supposed to be here
at 12:00.
15
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,680
-It's 12:30.
-Now you're getting it.
16
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,722
-I'm not on first.
-That's not the point.
17
00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,636
If they call my name
and I'm there,
18
00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:24,895
-then I am not late.
-Yeah, that's not how
lateness works.
19
00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:27,307
-There's a clock involved.
-Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
20
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,896
Hey, don't go all
Gershwin on me.
21
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,401
This is the big leagues, kid.
22
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:31,822
Got to start acting like
professionals.
23
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,949
-So then where's your blazer?
-What?
24
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,778
Your fancy new blazer.
25
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,533
You're scared to wear it.
26
00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:39,155
How could I be scared
of a fucking blazer?
27
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,831
Are you?
28
00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:43,960
-It's dry clean only.
-This is the big leagues, kid.
29
00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,918
-12:30 is fucking late.
-Still tapping.
30
00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,788
-(tap shoes marching)
-SOLDIER: Present
and accounted for,
31
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,795
-except Mrs. Maisel.
-SERGEANT: What's a Mrs. Maisel?
32
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,507
SOLDIER:
A singer, I assume, sir.
33
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,217
-Who are you?
-SUSIE and MIDGE: Mrs. Maisel.
34
00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,837
-I just told him.
-He was asking me.
35
00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:56,474
You're late. This is
the Army, you're not supposed
36
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:58,470
-to be late in the Army.
-I'll remember not to enlist.
37
00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,852
-Hey, we are not late.
-What?
-What?
38
00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:02,349
We were told to be here at 12:30
and we're here at 12:30
39
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,731
on the dot,
Miriam Maisel is never late.
40
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:06,187
-Aw, you lied for me.
-Fuck you.
41
00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:07,808
-There she is.
-Sergeant Mitchell Burns.
42
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,185
Master of Ceremonies
is Major Buck Brillstein.
43
00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,112
For the purposes of this show,
you will call him Buck.
44
00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,781
-Very reasonable.
-He'll say your name.
45
00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,609
Wave, smile and exit
the other side of the stage.
46
00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:17,574
Can I smile, wave
instead of wave, smile?
47
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:18,985
-You cannot.
-So serious, Mitchell.
48
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:20,493
Where'd your little boy go?
49
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,374
-You mean Tom?
-I-- No.
50
00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,201
-No, who's Tom?
-My little boy.
51
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,036
Abort, abort, abort.
52
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:28,041
Right, so I exit the stage.
53
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,543
Wait, I do? This isn't my set?
54
00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:31,335
No. Just your intro.
When you do go on,
55
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,878
you do 20 minutes,
applause, bow,
56
00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:34,882
you introduce Shy Baldwin,
you leave the stage,
57
00:03:34,924 --> 00:03:36,554
but stay close.
At the end of the show,
58
00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:38,092
everyone comes on for a chorus
of "White Christmas"
59
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,925
and pictures
with the troops. Yes?
60
00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,810
W-What if I don't know
"White Christmas?"
61
00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,057
Who doesn't know
"White Christmas?"
62
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,428
Well, me. I'm Jewish.
63
00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:47,056
I mean, we don't--
64
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,652
We celeb--
Oh, "White Christmas." Yes.
65
00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,688
-Yes, I know "White Christmas."
-Take her.
66
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,942
Hum a few bars?
67
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,574
Quite the grip you've got there.
68
00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,781
I'm not gonna make a run for it,
I am here voluntarily.
69
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,321
-Take her.
-Bye.
70
00:03:59,365 --> 00:04:01,865
Oh, I see this grip
comes standard issue.
71
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:05,789
BUCK:
Miss America 1959,
Mary Ann Mobley.
72
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,289
You don't happen
to know the words
73
00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:08,711
to "White Christmas," do you?
74
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,829
BUCK:
Everyone's favorite housewife,
75
00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:12,166
Mrs. Maisel.
76
00:04:12,211 --> 00:04:15,011
-Go.
-Hiya, boys!
77
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,927
BUCK:
World hula hoop champion...
78
00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,508
-Come.
-Oh, my--
79
00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:22,012
My third soldier today.
80
00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:24,894
This is how rumors get started.
81
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,232
Is this what they mean
by "flyboys"?
82
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,767
-Hey.
-Oy.
83
00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,601
Sorry. I'm trying to--
84
00:04:30,646 --> 00:04:32,306
What am I, your porter? Here.
85
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:33,816
I'm trying to find out
some info here,
86
00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,277
but unless you have
boots and a buzz cut,
87
00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,149
-nobody will look at you.
-Maisel.
88
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,244
-Why didn't you answer?
-I was waiting for you
to answer.
89
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,909
-You go on at 1:30.
-(sighs)
90
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,408
-You mean 1330.
-1:30 is fine.
91
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:44,910
-I'm doing army time.
-Good for you.
92
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,702
Be ready at one in case
we're ahead of schedule.
93
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:48,825
Think you mean 1300 hours,
right?
94
00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:51,462
-Where can I get ready?
-Just tell me I'm right.
95
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:52,880
-(man whistles)
-Private Fielding, look alive.
96
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,668
Hey, I spent a week
learning this shit.
97
00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,552
-Take her to the green room.
-It's the Army.
98
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,338
Isn't every room a green room?
99
00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:00,052
-You've got to give up.
-Never.
100
00:05:03,846 --> 00:05:05,846
Ooh.
101
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:18,824
(music ends)
102
00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,861
(soldiers cheering, whistling)
103
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,657
(overlapping chatter)
104
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,080
How the fuck
do I have these again?
105
00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:27,828
I need to change.
106
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,540
Oh, wait, sorry.
107
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:30,910
-This is ours.
-But they told me
108
00:05:30,956 --> 00:05:32,366
to grab any open space.
109
00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:33,876
Oh, no, you have to sign up.
Did you sign up?
110
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,917
No one told me to sign up.
111
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,211
Oh, you're so pretty.
112
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,764
Thank you.
113
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,757
And... managed.
114
00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,969
-You just standing there?
-Sorry.
115
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,100
So, rule number one
for this performance?
116
00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:46,387
MIDGE:
Don't say "fuck."
117
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,640
Rule number two
for this performance?
118
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,061
MIDGE:
Do not say "fuck."
119
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,889
-Dress.
-And no dick jokes.
120
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,774
Army guys are sensitive
about dick jokes.
121
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,021
That's why they're in the Army.
122
00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,863
How about big dick jokes? Catch.
123
00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:58,608
What do you mean,
big dick jokes?
124
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,900
You know, what do leprechauns
and guys with big dicks
125
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:03,414
have in common? They're hard
to find and incredibly lucky.
126
00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,867
Or, his dick was so big, the
mohel had to bring a machete.
127
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:09,239
Or, his dick was bigger
than Disneyland,
128
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,616
better rides, too.
129
00:06:10,662 --> 00:06:12,252
Or, his dick was so big,
130
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,369
it wasn't a dick at all.
It was a Richard.
131
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:18,336
Oh, oh! His dick was so big,
even when he cheated on me,
132
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,958
his dick was the bigger dick.
133
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,415
(exhales)
134
00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,295
-So no dick jokes.
-Yeah, keep it clean.
135
00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:24,512
You all good?
I'm gonna to make a call.
136
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,351
MIDGE:
I'm good, go.
137
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,386
♪ Praise the Lord
and pass the ammunition ♪
138
00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,021
♪ Praise the Lord ♪
139
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,768
♪ And pass the ammunition ♪
140
00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:35,770
♪ Praise the Lord
and pass the ammunition ♪
141
00:06:35,813 --> 00:06:38,653
♪ And we'll all stay free ♪
142
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:41,780
♪ Praise the Lord
and swing into position ♪
143
00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:43,199
♪ Can't... ♪
144
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,823
Fred, phone.
You got to order something.
145
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,075
We got Sanka.
146
00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:49,907
-He got Sanka.
-Susie?
147
00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:51,542
-You got 'em?
-Yes, we got 'em
148
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,158
but we still don't
understand the point here.
149
00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:55,075
The point, Fred,
is I got to negotiate
150
00:06:55,124 --> 00:06:56,544
this touring contract for Midge.
151
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:57,963
And other than saying
I'd like for her to go,
152
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,801
I don't know
what the hell to ask for.
153
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,377
And I don't want them to think
they're dealing with a nobody.
154
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,921
So, just give me some comps.
155
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,755
Tell me what other comics
at her level
156
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,510
made when they opened
for someone like Shy Baldwin.
157
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,302
Okay, but this is a big favor
we're doing for you here.
158
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:10,465
I had to sneak these contracts
out in my bowling bag.
159
00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:12,104
Now I don't have
my bowling ball.
160
00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:13,931
Don't worry. Someday,
I'm gonna be in a position
161
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:15,186
to help you with something.
162
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:16,557
-(scoffs)
-I will.
163
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:17,983
You don't think I will?
164
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,821
I don't know.
You're so volatile.
165
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:21,187
Just read me some numbers
166
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:23,153
before I use your nutsack
as a speed bag.
167
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,953
Okay, Georgie Jessel made
$10,000 a week
168
00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:27,658
the last time he played
the Blue Angel.
169
00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,578
Too big. I need
opening act numbers.
170
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,616
Phil Silvers made 12 Gs a week.
171
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,450
-As an opening act?
-No, for The Phil Silvers Show.
172
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,496
Uh-huh. Hey, do you remember
the speed bag thing?
173
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,500
George Burns made $10 a week
before he met Gracie Allen.
174
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:41,382
George Burns made
$10 a week in 1921.
175
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:43,090
-What would that be today?
-$10.
176
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,760
-No, I mean in today's dollars.
-$10.
177
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,089
Oh, Fred, my sweet, sweet Fred.
178
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,095
Hey, here's something,
Murray Bringle made $300
179
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,507
opening for Lenny Fring.
180
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:54,595
Murray Bringle made $300
to open for Lenny Fring.
181
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,441
-Who's Murray Bringle?
-I don't know.
182
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,846
-Who's Lenny Fring?
-I don't know.
183
00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,515
KENNY:
Tell her if she wants to be
184
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:01,233
taken seriously,
she needs a weird ask.
185
00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:03,443
Yes. You need a weird ask.
186
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:04,993
What do you mean
I need a weird ass?
187
00:08:05,027 --> 00:08:07,487
A weird ask.
Something in your contract
188
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,199
that's specifically weird
only to you.
189
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,069
Like, uh, all the pillows
in your room
190
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:12,906
have to have a cat design
on them.
191
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,541
-I'm not gonna do that.
-You have to.
192
00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,208
They'll never take you
seriously if you don't.
193
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,416
(sighs) Well, how weird
does it have to be?
194
00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,707
Gleason needs two bottles
of Old Forester Bourbon,
195
00:08:20,751 --> 00:08:22,461
a well-done steak,
and a Polaroid
196
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,502
of what the steak looked like
before it was cooked.
197
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,416
George Burns has fresh flowers,
Cuban cigars,
198
00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:28,505
six pairs of socks,
and a bowl of butter pats.
199
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,970
Lenny Fring
had to have cheesecloth,
200
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,010
a length of rope,
and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
201
00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:34,604
Wow. Now I really want to know
this Lenny Fring.
202
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,230
Hey, would you mind
blowing my brains out?
203
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,475
-(doo-wop music playing)
-(cheering)
204
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,270
♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪
205
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:44,024
♪ Boom, shoo, dup,
ba, dum ♪
206
00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:46,776
♪ Boom, shoo, dup, ba, dum ♪
207
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:50,528
♪ We got a little cozy
at the corner shop ♪
208
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:53,992
♪ We finished every drop,
but then the boy says ♪
209
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,084
♪ "One more," gives me a look ♪
210
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:59,369
♪ That makes my stomach drop,
somebody call the cops ♪
211
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:03,004
♪ 'Cause I can see
I'm done for, oh ♪
212
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:06,423
♪ Shake it up and watch it
bubble, he's gonna go ♪
213
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,843
♪ And get us both in trouble ♪
214
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,592
♪ My baby's sweet
from bottom to the top... ♪
215
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,755
Quick, I need a pencil.
216
00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:17,474
Oh, uh... What did they say?
217
00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:19,016
Don't talk. I'll forget.
218
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,059
Okay, what did those idiots say?
219
00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:24,443
Uh, Gleason minus George
220
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,071
minus Gracie,
221
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:29,278
add back a Sahl
and divide by Bringle.
222
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,029
-Who's Bringle?
-He opened for Fring.
223
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,451
-Who's Fring?
-Doesn't matter.
224
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,279
Okay, if my calculations
are right,
225
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,584
seems like a guy opening
for a Shy Baldwin
226
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:39,370
would make about $5,500
for six months.
227
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:42,373
Wow. So we ask for $5,500.
228
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:45,376
-No. We ask for $4,500.
-Bringle got $5,500.
229
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:46,799
-Well, Bringle's got a...
-BOTH: Dick.
230
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:49,667
-Yeah.
-But that's $4,050 for you,
and $450 for me.
231
00:09:49,715 --> 00:09:51,125
-Really? That's a lot.
-I know.
232
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:52,804
It would take me
more than a year
233
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,303
to make that much at B. Altman.
234
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,264
I know. 450 bucks,
235
00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,175
plus I'll be subletting
my apartment to Jackie.
236
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,733
This means I'm gonna be making
the most money I made since...
237
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:02,767
ever. Since ever.
238
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,731
-So we sign.
-Yes.
239
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,481
Oh, and we have to come up
with something weird.
240
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,153
Like, you need baby goats
in your dressing room,
241
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,441
or all your hand towels
have to be from Windsor Castle.
242
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,445
Oh, can we get that?
I would love that.
243
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,164
-You're still pretty.
-Mrs. Maisel.
244
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:18,909
-Sir, yes, sir.
-You're up.
245
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,752
1330 on the dot.
246
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,958
♪ My baby's sweet
from bottom to the top ♪
247
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,919
-♪ So I don't want to stop ♪
-♪ Don't want to stop ♪
248
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,460
♪ Like a bottle of pop... ♪
249
00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:31,844
(soldiers cheering)
250
00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,682
♪ Ooh ♪
251
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,507
♪ He's my bottle of pop. ♪
252
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,013
(applause, cheering)
253
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,073
Once again, the Silver Belles!
254
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:53,147
Now I hope that you're
ready to laugh because next up
255
00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:55,565
is a very funny lady.
256
00:10:55,614 --> 00:10:58,244
She's gonna be opening up for
Shy Baldwin on his upcoming tour
257
00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:02,793
that kicks off next month,
and you get a preview right now.
258
00:11:02,829 --> 00:11:05,999
Emphasis on the view,
it is a good one.
259
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,541
(cheering)
260
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:13,125
So give a nice Army welcome
for Mrs. Maisel!
261
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,183
-Tits up.
-Tits up.
262
00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,848
(cheering, whistling)
263
00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:21,518
Hi!
264
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,730
Hi! Hi!
265
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:29,360
Hello!
266
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,856
Wow, wow, wow!
267
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:34,239
My goodness,
that is a lot of khaki.
268
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,449
-(laughter)
-And I just realized
269
00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:39,198
it is actually a very flattering
color for most skin tones.
270
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,699
I know you're relieved.
271
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:42,372
-(laughter)
-I just want you to know
272
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,542
how much I admire you guys.
273
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,871
I could never be brave enough
274
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,883
to wear the same outfit
every day.
275
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,035
(laughter, whooping)
276
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:53,206
My brother toyed
with joining the Army.
277
00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:55,665
He loved the idea
of serving his country,
278
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,045
but then he snapped
a rubber band in his eye
279
00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:00,183
-and that was the end of that.
-(laughter)
280
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:04,060
You guys have a lot of rules
here, which I totally get.
281
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,519
You need rules.
282
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:08,599
Women learn rules
from women's magazines.
283
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,265
I can't make a move
without consulting
284
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,943
Family Circle
or Harper's Bazaar.
285
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:16,862
Otherwise, I'd have no idea what
shade of red drives a man crazy.
286
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:18,453
Little hint: it's the one
287
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,488
with the least amount
of fabric involved.
288
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,622
(whooping)
289
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,553
You guys don't have magazines
like that, do you?
290
00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:36,970
(laughter)
291
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,967
You could really use
an Army Men's Monthly
292
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:44,010
or Gunboat Daily. You know,
you could read helpful articles
293
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,805
like, uh,
"Fashion for Foxholes,"
294
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:49,482
"Give Your Pistol Some Pizzazz,"
295
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,229
"How to Get Your Commanding
Officer to Notice You."
296
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,822
Oh, oh, oh, here's one,
297
00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:57,279
"Camouflage: How to Stand Out
While Blending In."
298
00:12:57,319 --> 00:12:58,489
(laughter)
299
00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,818
And for you generals
in the audience,
300
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,776
"How to Take Care
of Your Privates."
301
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,834
(whooping)
302
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,714
Oh! Here's the best,
303
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,878
-"Killing Men and Loving It."
-Funny little lady.
304
00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,627
She is.
305
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,628
You know, a lot of top-notch
entertainers come through here.
306
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,590
-Uh-huh.
-Bob Hope played here.
307
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,131
Right on that stage.
Milton Berle, been here twice.
308
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,635
You know how much you'd
have to pay to see Bob Hope
309
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,597
-at the Copacabana?
-A lot.
310
00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:26,638
(scoffs) And then some.
311
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:28,771
Yeah, the army life
is a good life.
312
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,308
Job security, three squares
a day, excitement, travel.
313
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,314
-You like to travel?
-Uh, sure.
314
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:35,936
It's a great organization.
315
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:38,152
Waking up every day,
proud to be an American.
316
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,783
Proud to serve your country,
you know?
317
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,319
Do I?
318
00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:44,163
Well, have you ever
thought about joining up?
319
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,239
Me? Oh, uh, no.
320
00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:50,214
-Strong young man like yourself.
-I'm not that young.
321
00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:52,617
-Can you play the bugle?
-I do not play the bugle.
322
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,126
Oh. We need a bugler.
I just thought I'd ask.
323
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,878
-Ah, sorry.
-You got the cheeks for it.
324
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,920
-Okay.
-Well, doesn't matter.
325
00:13:58,964 --> 00:14:00,884
There's a place for everyone
in the Army.
326
00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:04,514
Plus, you get benefits
up the ass.
327
00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,813
Well, I don't need anything
up my ass at the moment,
328
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,266
-but thank you.
-Think about it.
329
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:10,927
I will.
330
00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:13,476
It'll never leave my mind again.
Trust me.
331
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,520
MIDGE:
...I feel nothing.
332
00:14:17,566 --> 00:14:20,736
You guys have
your own language here.
333
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,397
It's so fun.
A soldier said
334
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,275
he was gonna
go sit on the honey bucket,
335
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:27,242
and I was like, "I've been
called a lot of things, pal..."
336
00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,044
I almost smacked him.
337
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:32,037
So I got to keep
out of trouble here.
338
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,125
Maybe you fellas could
run some jargon by me?
339
00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,707
Make sure I understand it.
340
00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,132
What are some
of your other phrases?
341
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,800
SOLDIER 1:
Direct support.
342
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,169
Too easy.
That's what I'm wearing
343
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,675
under my dress right now.
344
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,014
SOLDIER 2:
Zone of action.
345
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:52,635
Everything not covered by
the direct support I'm wearing.
346
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,194
SOLIDER 3:
Rear guard.
347
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,477
-Diaper cream.
-SOLDIER 4: Attack position.
348
00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:57,611
SOLDIER 5:
Friendly fire.
349
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:00,397
A cute redhead.
350
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,822
-SOLDIER 6: Frontal fire.
-Shock action.
351
00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:05,661
Frontal fire and shock action?
352
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,817
Isn't frontal fire
what you contract
353
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:10,236
when you have shock action
with the wrong girl overseas?
354
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,374
(soldier shouts)
355
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,134
-Huh?
-SOLDIER 7: Withdrawal.
356
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,167
Congratulations, you're a daddy.
357
00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,844
Oh, boy.
358
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:29,051
Well, you sure know how
to make a girl feel welcome.
359
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,805
That's all for me today.
360
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,307
I'm Mrs. Maisel.
You boys stay safe out there,
361
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:34,980
'cause you're just
too cute to lose.
362
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,598
Thank you and good night.
363
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,395
Thank you.
364
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,614
Thank you. Thank you.
365
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,832
What?
366
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,581
Oh, shit, sorry.
367
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,672
Hi. Remember me? I'm back.
Uh, I completely forgot
368
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:04,461
to introduce Shy Baldwin.
369
00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:07,176
(cheering, applause)
370
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:09,007
Thank you.
I mean, he thanks you.
371
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:11,102
Uh, he's so great.
A terrific singer
372
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,597
and such a nice guy,
and he gave me my break.
373
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,680
So... here he is.
374
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:23,815
We're gonna work on that.
375
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:32,329
-So, what have we learned?
-What?
376
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,247
Even when you do have a stroke,
you do it adorably.
377
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,286
♪ ♪
378
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,705
♪ The stars shine ♪
379
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,631
♪ Your eyes catch mine ♪
380
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,550
♪ And your light
is all I can see ♪
381
00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:49,549
♪ Could there be
one less angel ♪
382
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,552
♪ In heaven ♪
383
00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:53,474
♪ Counting one less angel ♪
384
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,313
♪ In heaven ♪
385
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,268
♪ Must be one less angel ♪
386
00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:59,268
♪ In heaven ♪
387
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:02,770
♪ 'Cause you're here
smiling at me ♪
388
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,648
♪ The strings play ♪
389
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,244
♪ You move my way ♪
390
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:12,199
♪ I'm soaring, now I guarantee ♪
391
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,780
♪ There must be one less angel ♪
392
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:17,536
♪ In heaven ♪
393
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:20,999
♪ Don't tell one less angel
in heaven ♪
394
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,000
♪ Must be one less angel ♪
395
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,842
♪ In heaven ♪
396
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:29,469
♪ 'Cause look
who's dancing with me ♪
397
00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:33,217
♪ Oh, now I'm scared ♪
398
00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:35,511
♪ I'm scared to close my eyes ♪
399
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,765
♪ And open them
to find you've flown away ♪
400
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,848
♪ I know that I should keep ♪
401
00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,614
♪ My feelings in disguise ♪
402
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,606
♪ But, darling,
there is something ♪
403
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,778
♪ That I've got to say ♪
404
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,937
♪ My baby, my angel ♪
405
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,946
♪ Now please won't you stay ♪
406
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,698
♪ My heart stops ♪
407
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,830
♪ The music drops ♪
408
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:58,197
♪ The world
falls away suddenly ♪
409
00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,914
-♪ Oh ♪
-♪ There must be ♪
410
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:03,504
♪ One angel less in heaven ♪
411
00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:07,251
♪ There was
one less angel in heaven ♪
412
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,125
♪ My baby said yes ♪
413
00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:11,632
♪ I'm in heaven ♪
414
00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:13,684
♪ My angel loves me ♪
415
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,758
♪ She said she loves me ♪
416
00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:18,314
♪ Oh, that's heaven to me ♪
417
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,558
♪ That's ♪
418
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,809
♪ Heaven to me ♪
419
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:25,522
♪ That's heaven to me. ♪
420
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,779
SHIRLEY:
And we bought it
from the sweetest old lady.
421
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:35,702
MOSKOWITZ:
The house is wonderful,
Mrs. Maisel.
422
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:37,080
SHIRLEY:
It's my dream home.
423
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,946
My absolute dream home.
424
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:42,213
Moishe promised that one day
we'd have a home just like this.
425
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,247
In Queens.
426
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,749
MOISHE:
It's got a great tree.
427
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:47,211
A man is not a man
until he's got a tree.
428
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:50,002
Wait. Moishe.
Where's the kitchen?
429
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,586
There's no kitchen
on these plans.
430
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,341
What did that bitch
do with our kitchen?
431
00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:55,133
You're looking
on the second floor, Shirl.
432
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,586
-Look on the first floor.
-Oh.
433
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,466
Hey. You still looking
for a club, right?
434
00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,893
-Looking, not finding.
-I heard about a place.
435
00:19:00,932 --> 00:19:03,142
I want no part
of your dastardly schemes.
436
00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:06,194
It's my button guy, he's been
using this space for storage
437
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:08,149
for 20 years
and he just gave it up.
438
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,399
He's a bigger deal now--
got into zippers.
439
00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,691
Said it was a club once.
440
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:13,404
Uh, still
has a stage and a bar,
441
00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:14,744
-there's even furniture.
-Really?
442
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,069
Great downtown location,
surrounded by subways.
443
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:19,405
And it's not a dump?
All I've seen are dumps.
444
00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:20,660
Teardowns.
445
00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:22,292
I'm fixing this place up myself,
446
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,118
got to keep power tools
to a minimum.
447
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,423
I'll get you the address.
Go see for yourself.
448
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:28,076
Daddy, another lady
left her lipstick.
449
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,206
-Thanks, kiddo.
-Go check it out.
450
00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,213
-Say it again.
-We're gonna live in Queens!
451
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:36,716
Yes! Yes. Yes.
452
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,394
(cheering)
453
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:47,403
♪ Ah ♪
454
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:59,199
♪ Our homeward step ♪
455
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,740
♪ Was just as light ♪
456
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,294
♪ As the tap dancing feet ♪
457
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:06,119
♪ Of Astaire ♪
458
00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:09,254
♪ And like an echo ♪
459
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:11,752
♪ Far away ♪
460
00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:14,424
♪ A nightingale sang ♪
461
00:20:14,464 --> 00:20:17,634
♪ In Berkeley Square ♪
462
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:21,176
♪ I know ♪
463
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:25,100
♪ 'Cause I was there ♪
464
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:29,521
♪ That night in Berkeley ♪
465
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,862
♪ Square ♪
466
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,068
-(whoops)
-(cheering, applause)
467
00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:36,108
Really?
468
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,906
Thank you very much.
469
00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:54,054
BUCK:
That's the great Shy Baldwin!
470
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:57,257
I am so sorry about
the introduction, Shy.
471
00:20:57,298 --> 00:20:59,338
I promise I will never
do that again.
472
00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,974
Susie Myerson
of Susie Myerson and Associates.
473
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,350
I promise she will never
do that again.
474
00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:03,717
Susie is my manager.
475
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,473
-Oh, nice to meet you.
-Yeah, you too.
476
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,805
Hey, question:
were you ever fat?
477
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,190
-No.
-You sound fat on your albums.
478
00:21:10,228 --> 00:21:11,898
Shy, I don't what happened
to the mic stand.
479
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,688
It's the Army.
480
00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:16,031
If you can't kill someone
with it, they-they don't care.
481
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:19,197
-Lou, I want you to meet
Midge Maisel and Susie Myerson.
-Ah...
482
00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:21,357
-This is my manager,
Lou Rabinowitz.
-Hello.
483
00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,866
Myerson. You're the one I've
been talking to six times a day.
484
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:26,039
-And you're Lou?
-Yes.
485
00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:27,747
Hmm.
You don't sound bald.
486
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,537
Thank you. So,
it's nice to have you with us.
487
00:21:30,581 --> 00:21:32,581
Everything good?
You need anything?
488
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,285
Here. Once the tour starts,
489
00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:36,876
you'll have your regular
weekly per diem.
490
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,971
But for now, let Uncle Lou.
491
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,427
That's for cab fare,
train fare, candy bars,
492
00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:43,637
hair pins, feminine products,
whatever you need.
493
00:21:43,678 --> 00:21:44,798
-Well, thank you, Lou.
-You're welcome.
494
00:21:44,846 --> 00:21:46,506
I need that contract.
495
00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:49,176
Uh, we will be countering soon.
And more than once.
496
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,765
But not too much more, but more.
497
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,350
And we got some
really weird asks, so be ready.
498
00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:57,978
We are both total idiots today.
499
00:21:58,026 --> 00:22:00,106
All right, now I think it's time
you boys sing for your supper.
500
00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:02,243
-What do you say?
-SOLDIERS: Yeah!
501
00:22:03,281 --> 00:22:04,571
Shall I leave you two alone?
502
00:22:04,615 --> 00:22:07,075
I just love money.
You know?
503
00:22:07,118 --> 00:22:10,118
Smells great. Feels great.
It looks great.
504
00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:12,753
Just be careful.
It can break your heart.
505
00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:14,750
Hey, where's that pay phone?
I need to make a call.
506
00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,802
-BUCK: ...spreading peace,
not war.
-(cheer)
507
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,377
I need a volunteer.
508
00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:21,382
(all clamoring)
509
00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:22,764
(phone ringing)
510
00:22:27,722 --> 00:22:28,682
Hold on.
511
00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:32,483
Ethan.
Not the floor.
512
00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:34,148
-Hello?
-Bad time?
513
00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:36,227
No, it's not a bad time.
514
00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:37,942
Ethan, not the furniture!
515
00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,112
Do I want to know?
516
00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:41,110
He discovered
the Maisel and Roth stamp.
517
00:22:41,152 --> 00:22:42,572
-Oh, boy.
-Yes. Well,
518
00:22:42,612 --> 00:22:44,702
maybe he'll be
postmaster general someday.
519
00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:45,989
One can hope.
520
00:22:48,326 --> 00:22:49,906
So, how are you?
521
00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:51,542
Uh, a little crazy.
522
00:22:52,914 --> 00:22:54,754
-Where are you?
-What? Why?
523
00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:56,751
-Is it a secret?
-No, it is not.
524
00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,003
I just hear voices.
525
00:22:58,044 --> 00:23:00,384
I'm doing a USO show today.
526
00:23:00,421 --> 00:23:02,591
Here in the city.
Warm-up gig before the tour.
527
00:23:02,632 --> 00:23:03,972
-You go on yet?
-I did.
528
00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:05,008
You knock 'em dead?
529
00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:06,591
I did. Literally.
530
00:23:06,636 --> 00:23:08,466
Bumped into a missile and blew
up the barracks. (chuckles)
531
00:23:10,973 --> 00:23:12,773
-So...
-Ethan,
532
00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:14,889
-not your sister!
-(Esther cries)
533
00:23:14,936 --> 00:23:16,396
(sighs)
Go ahead.
534
00:23:16,437 --> 00:23:19,017
I'm sorry I snuck out
the other night.
535
00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:21,185
-That's okay.
-I just had to get up early,
536
00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,034
and you were sleeping
so soundly.
537
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,279
No explanation needed.
538
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,740
Okay. Good.
539
00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:28,701
I didn't want you
to feel stiffed.
540
00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:31,161
I mean, earlier in the night
I did want you to feel stiffed,
541
00:23:31,202 --> 00:23:32,252
but not stiffed, like...
542
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,826
Really, it's no big deal at all.
543
00:23:34,872 --> 00:23:36,542
Okay.
544
00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,501
I just noticed...
545
00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:41,705
What?
546
00:23:41,754 --> 00:23:43,764
You didn't call.
547
00:23:44,799 --> 00:23:45,879
You didn't call, either.
548
00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:48,715
I know.
I just thought you'd call.
549
00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:50,891
Well, I didn't think there was
anything to call about.
550
00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,680
Zelda was gonna bring the kids
over the next day.
551
00:23:52,723 --> 00:23:54,103
I was gonna drop them off
on Wednesday.
552
00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:57,022
-I know the schedule.
-So why would I call?
553
00:23:58,980 --> 00:24:00,610
-Midge?
-Yes?
554
00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:02,278
You mad?
555
00:24:02,316 --> 00:24:04,236
-Nope.
-Did I do something wrong?
556
00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:06,487
No.
You did everything right.
557
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:08,199
Twice.
S-so thanks for that.
558
00:24:08,239 --> 00:24:10,619
-(Esther fussing)
-Hey. You said one night.
559
00:24:10,658 --> 00:24:11,698
And I heard you.
560
00:24:11,742 --> 00:24:13,492
I just thought you'd follow up.
561
00:24:13,536 --> 00:24:14,746
Something happens,
you follow up.
562
00:24:14,787 --> 00:24:15,907
A guy comes to fix
your dishwasher,
563
00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:16,955
he calls later to follow up.
564
00:24:16,998 --> 00:24:18,618
-No, he doesn't.
-Yes, he does.
565
00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:20,916
Midge, no dishwasher repairman
in the world
566
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,170
calls later to follow up.
567
00:24:22,211 --> 00:24:23,501
Well, when
our dishwasher broke,
568
00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:24,756
the guy called later
to follow up,
569
00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:26,007
and I appreciated it.
570
00:24:26,048 --> 00:24:27,298
If he did call to follow up,
571
00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:29,181
it wasn't on the state
of the dishwasher.
572
00:24:29,218 --> 00:24:31,138
Oh, so now I fucked
the dishwasher repairman?
573
00:24:31,179 --> 00:24:32,349
-Is that what you're implying?
-No.
574
00:24:32,388 --> 00:24:34,018
I'm saying that
a dishwasher repairman
575
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,556
doesn't give a shit
about your dishwasher
576
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,690
-the minute he leaves the house.
-Oh, so that's it.
577
00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:39,347
You don't care about
my dishwasher anymore?
578
00:24:39,395 --> 00:24:41,185
If it works or doesn't work,
it means nothing to you at all.
579
00:24:41,230 --> 00:24:43,070
I am not a dishwasher
repairman, Midge!
580
00:24:43,107 --> 00:24:44,527
If you know anything about me,
581
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:46,187
it's not that I cannot repair
a fucking dishwasher!
582
00:24:46,235 --> 00:24:47,855
I know you can't repair
a dishwasher.
583
00:24:47,904 --> 00:24:49,824
-That wasn't what I was saying.
-Well, what were you saying?
584
00:24:49,864 --> 00:24:53,454
I don't know. I've totally lost
the thread of this conversation.
585
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:56,542
You made it very, very clear:
one night only.
586
00:24:56,579 --> 00:24:58,409
I was not supposed to think
it was anything
587
00:24:58,456 --> 00:25:00,246
more than it was.
So I didn't.
588
00:25:00,291 --> 00:25:02,341
I took you at your word
and kept to the script.
589
00:25:02,376 --> 00:25:03,746
I did what you asked me to do.
590
00:25:04,795 --> 00:25:07,375
I just thought you'd call.
591
00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:11,589
Did you want me to call?
592
00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:14,886
Did you change your mind?
593
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,559
I'm not mad.
594
00:25:23,606 --> 00:25:26,686
Listen... I have to go.
595
00:25:26,734 --> 00:25:28,784
Ethan's found the packing tape,
596
00:25:28,819 --> 00:25:30,949
and I don't know
where Esther is.
597
00:25:30,988 --> 00:25:32,988
-I'll call you later.
-Bye.
598
00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:44,127
(knock on door)
599
00:25:44,168 --> 00:25:46,918
BUCK (imitating female voice):
Who is it?
600
00:25:46,963 --> 00:25:50,633
-(soldiers laughing)
-It's me.
601
00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,644
(cheering, whistling, applause)
602
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,360
(gasps)
603
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,440
Hello, darling! Mm.
604
00:26:10,486 --> 00:26:12,196
(whooping)
605
00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:15,278
Flowers?
606
00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:17,704
You had sex with my sister?
607
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:19,753
(speaking Chinese)
608
00:26:36,345 --> 00:26:38,095
So, just to be clear,
this is Chinatown.
609
00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:39,559
Yes, this is Chinatown.
610
00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:41,638
Something that Pop
did not mention.
611
00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:44,354
Excuse me.
This is 227 Bayard Street.
612
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:45,595
-Yes?
-Bayard.
613
00:26:45,646 --> 00:26:48,106
(speaking Chinese)
614
00:26:48,149 --> 00:26:49,529
I don't think he speaks English.
615
00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:52,397
What would I do without you,
Mrs. Moskowitz.
616
00:26:52,445 --> 00:26:54,065
It's a mess,
but the bones are good.
617
00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:55,453
The bones are very good.
618
00:26:55,489 --> 00:26:56,819
Chinatown.
You think people will come
619
00:26:56,866 --> 00:26:58,526
to a club in Chinatown?
620
00:26:58,576 --> 00:27:01,696
-If the drinks are strong
and the music's hot.
-(chuckles)
621
00:27:01,746 --> 00:27:03,956
-(speaking Chinese)
-Thank you.
622
00:27:03,998 --> 00:27:05,078
Must be the lease.
623
00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:08,504
-In Chinese?
-And English. Thank God.
624
00:27:08,544 --> 00:27:11,344
There's a dead rat over here.
We'd have to get rid of that.
625
00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:13,630
Geez, is that really the price?
It's good.
626
00:27:13,674 --> 00:27:16,514
Whoa! Here's another one.
Poor thing.
627
00:27:16,552 --> 00:27:17,642
He choked on a button.
628
00:27:17,678 --> 00:27:19,718
And the price is locked in
for five years?
629
00:27:19,764 --> 00:27:23,684
Uh... immediate occupancy?
I could take it now?
630
00:27:23,726 --> 00:27:27,356
-(chuckles)
-I think I could take it now.
631
00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:30,686
I can't tell if I'm a genius
or an idiot.
632
00:27:30,733 --> 00:27:32,493
Well, what do you think?
633
00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:33,776
We've seen a lot of shitholes.
634
00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:35,609
At least this one
comes with a bar, a stage,
635
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:37,204
and some wildlife.
636
00:27:37,239 --> 00:27:39,949
Your optimism is contagious,
Mrs. Moskowitz.
637
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,830
Who doesn't
like wildlife, right?
638
00:27:44,872 --> 00:27:46,922
You know what?
I'll take it.
639
00:27:46,957 --> 00:27:48,327
(man chuckles)
640
00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:52,508
♪ ♪
641
00:27:55,132 --> 00:27:59,642
ALL:
♪ I'm dreaming of ♪
642
00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:03,308
♪ A white Christmas ♪
643
00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,769
♪ Just like the ones ♪
644
00:28:05,810 --> 00:28:09,360
♪ I used to know ♪
645
00:28:09,397 --> 00:28:11,017
♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪
646
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:16,649
♪ And children listen ♪
647
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:20,825
♪ To hear sleigh bells
in the snow ♪
648
00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,736
(off-key):
♪ Snow ♪
649
00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:25,865
♪ I'm ♪
650
00:28:25,913 --> 00:28:27,873
♪ Dreaming of a ♪
651
00:28:27,915 --> 00:28:31,625
♪ White Christmas ♪
-♪ MIDGE: ...mas ♪
652
00:28:31,669 --> 00:28:36,049
♪ With every Christmas card
I write ♪
653
00:28:37,591 --> 00:28:38,931
♪ May your days ♪
654
00:28:38,968 --> 00:28:41,388
♪ Be merry ♪
655
00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:45,349
♪ And bright ♪
656
00:28:45,391 --> 00:28:48,851
♪ And may all your ♪
657
00:28:48,894 --> 00:28:51,314
♪ Christmases ♪
658
00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:55,525
♪ Be white. ♪
659
00:28:55,568 --> 00:28:57,858
(cheering)
660
00:28:57,903 --> 00:29:00,743
BUCK:
That's all for us,
tonight, fellas.
661
00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:03,831
You stay safe,
662
00:29:03,868 --> 00:29:06,408
and God bless America!
663
00:29:26,932 --> 00:29:28,392
Can I have a picture,
Mrs. Maisel?
664
00:29:28,434 --> 00:29:29,814
-Me, too.
-Easy, boys.
665
00:29:29,852 --> 00:29:31,402
-You'll bruise the merchandise.
-Hey, let's throw you
666
00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:33,477
-in the jeep for a shot
with some of the men.
-Sure.
667
00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:34,942
Yeah, nothing like
a heartwarming
668
00:29:34,982 --> 00:29:37,612
Christmas time gangbang photo
to send home to the family.
669
00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,651
A photo in the jeep
will be fine.
670
00:29:42,907 --> 00:29:46,827
Okay, everyone,
say, "Government cheese!"
671
00:29:46,869 --> 00:29:48,909
-SOLDIERS: Government cheese!
-Ooh! (laughs)
672
00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:50,214
Merry Christmas, fellas.
673
00:29:50,247 --> 00:29:52,827
-Better get one more.
-Huh?
674
00:29:52,875 --> 00:29:54,625
ALL:
Government cheese!
675
00:29:54,668 --> 00:29:55,838
Got it.
676
00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,798
Thank you, boys.
Have a great Christmas.
677
00:29:58,839 --> 00:30:00,719
-Whew.
-Good job today.
678
00:30:00,758 --> 00:30:02,888
Thanks, Mitchell.
Good luck invading Cuba.
679
00:30:02,927 --> 00:30:04,547
We'll see you tonight
at 1900 hours.
680
00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:06,925
-Oh, now you do army time.
-What time is 1900 hours?
681
00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:08,142
-6:00.
-7:00.
682
00:30:08,182 --> 00:30:09,892
-Fuck.
-And what's happening then?
683
00:30:09,934 --> 00:30:11,774
There's a dance at the canteen
for the boys.
684
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:14,360
We like everyone to go,
all the talent.
685
00:30:14,396 --> 00:30:15,766
Did you know about this?
686
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,614
No one ever mentioned
a canteen dance.
687
00:30:17,650 --> 00:30:19,490
-What do you think?
-I don't have an outfit.
688
00:30:19,527 --> 00:30:20,947
There's one right there
on your body.
689
00:30:20,986 --> 00:30:23,356
-Everyone's already seen it.
-Then wear the one you came in.
690
00:30:23,405 --> 00:30:24,905
That's a traveling outfit.
691
00:30:24,949 --> 00:30:27,159
You know these guys don't give a
shit what you're wearing, right?
692
00:30:27,201 --> 00:30:28,831
They're all picturing you
without your clothes on anyway.
693
00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:31,829
I'm representing Shy.
I have to look a certain way.
694
00:30:31,872 --> 00:30:33,672
Look, I've yet to win
a clothing argument,
695
00:30:33,707 --> 00:30:35,827
-so it ain't gonna happen.
-But it's tradition.
696
00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:37,996
It's for the boys.
697
00:30:38,045 --> 00:30:41,165
I guess I could go home
and grab an outfit.
698
00:30:41,215 --> 00:30:43,675
-Can someone give us a ride?
-I can arrange that.
699
00:30:43,717 --> 00:30:45,087
-Private Lawrence.
-I think I'm gonna stay here
700
00:30:45,135 --> 00:30:46,505
and wait for you.
701
00:30:46,554 --> 00:30:48,974
You sure you don't want to go
home and grab your fancy blazer?
702
00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:50,684
-For the boys?
-Don't want to overwhelm them.
703
00:30:50,724 --> 00:30:53,814
Okay. Be back as soon as I can.
704
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:55,232
Goddamn it.
705
00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:57,151
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.):
Susie Myerson.
706
00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,279
Phone call for Susie Myerson.
707
00:31:03,028 --> 00:31:04,358
Susie Myerson.
708
00:31:04,405 --> 00:31:05,735
JACKIE:
Oh, there you are.
709
00:31:05,781 --> 00:31:07,371
I've been looking
everywhere for you.
710
00:31:07,408 --> 00:31:08,578
I'm over at your apartment.
711
00:31:08,617 --> 00:31:10,037
What the hell are you doing
at my apartment?
712
00:31:10,077 --> 00:31:11,997
I'm getting the place ready
for my sublet.
713
00:31:12,037 --> 00:31:13,577
You don't expect me
to live like you do.
714
00:31:13,622 --> 00:31:15,002
Get out of my apartment.
715
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:16,540
Relax. I'm just taking
some measurements.
716
00:31:16,584 --> 00:31:17,754
For what?
717
00:31:17,793 --> 00:31:19,963
You need drapes.
The whole fucking street
718
00:31:20,004 --> 00:31:22,094
can watch you do
whatever weird shit you do.
719
00:31:22,131 --> 00:31:25,381
-No drapes.
-It's too sad.
There's no feminine touch.
720
00:31:25,426 --> 00:31:26,836
-Jackie!
-Anyhow,
721
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,845
I'm here and someone shows up
who wants to talk to you.
722
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:31,888
Who? Jackie.
723
00:31:31,932 --> 00:31:33,352
Jackie?
724
00:31:33,392 --> 00:31:35,142
Who?
725
00:31:35,185 --> 00:31:36,555
Why do you live here?
726
00:31:36,604 --> 00:31:38,404
Let me rephrase that.
727
00:31:38,439 --> 00:31:41,939
You don't live here.
Not anymore. I forbid it.
728
00:31:41,984 --> 00:31:43,114
-Sophie.
-I am
729
00:31:43,152 --> 00:31:44,282
furious with you.
730
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:46,490
-It's rent-controlled.
-Not about that.
731
00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:49,870
-I know I owe you a call.
-A call? You owe me a call?
732
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:51,408
I asked you to be my manager.
733
00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:53,122
You owe me more than a call.
734
00:31:53,162 --> 00:31:55,332
-Your manager? No shit?
-Never speak again.
735
00:31:55,372 --> 00:31:58,582
I offered you
the chance of a lifetime,
736
00:31:58,626 --> 00:32:01,586
and then I sat by the phone
like a virgin on prom night.
737
00:32:01,629 --> 00:32:03,419
Finally, I realized
you were not going to call.
738
00:32:03,464 --> 00:32:04,634
I was gonna call.
739
00:32:04,673 --> 00:32:06,933
So I had to come to you.
740
00:32:06,967 --> 00:32:09,137
Here.
741
00:32:09,178 --> 00:32:11,598
Below 14th Street.
742
00:32:11,639 --> 00:32:14,099
I had to walk down stairs.
I had to
743
00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:16,231
touch a doorknob
that was alive.
744
00:32:16,268 --> 00:32:18,398
I had to talk to your husband.
745
00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:20,437
-He's not my fucking husband!
-I'm not her husband.
746
00:32:20,481 --> 00:32:21,821
-Give me a fucking
heart attack.
-Christ, my fucking heart.
747
00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:24,067
Well, why is someone
who is not your husband
748
00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:26,319
neck-deep in my fur?
749
00:32:26,362 --> 00:32:29,492
-Can't answer that.
-It's freezing in here.
750
00:32:29,531 --> 00:32:31,331
It is freezing in here.
751
00:32:31,367 --> 00:32:34,497
Sophie, I'm sorry, really,
but can I call you back later?
752
00:32:34,536 --> 00:32:36,286
-Where are you?
-At a USO show.
753
00:32:36,330 --> 00:32:38,710
-I don't do USO shows.
-It's not for you.
754
00:32:38,749 --> 00:32:40,039
Well, then I don't want
to hear about it
755
00:32:40,084 --> 00:32:42,424
or any other excuse
you might be conjuring up.
756
00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:44,551
I don't give a flying merde.
757
00:32:44,588 --> 00:32:46,338
Do you understand
758
00:32:46,382 --> 00:32:48,052
who I am?
759
00:32:48,092 --> 00:32:50,552
What I am to this business?
760
00:32:50,594 --> 00:32:54,064
-I do.
-And yet you made me
track you down.
761
00:32:54,098 --> 00:32:56,678
The last time I had to
track someone down
762
00:32:56,725 --> 00:32:58,845
was to tell Desi Arnaz
he gave me the clap.
763
00:32:58,894 --> 00:33:01,904
I'm sorry,
about this and the clap.
764
00:33:01,939 --> 00:33:04,979
The clap was worth it.
This isn't.
765
00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:08,695
Now I have been patient,
and I'm out of patience.
766
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:12,367
I want an answer to my question
and I want it right now.
767
00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:13,778
Are you my manager
768
00:33:13,826 --> 00:33:17,156
or are you not?
769
00:33:17,204 --> 00:33:19,464
ABE:
Rose, I don't understand why...
770
00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:21,168
-(banging)
-What is that?
771
00:33:21,208 --> 00:33:23,458
-I demand you tell me
exactly what you...
-(bang)
772
00:33:23,502 --> 00:33:25,632
Okay, maybe demand's too strong.
773
00:33:25,671 --> 00:33:28,131
I want you to see
what our lives cost.
774
00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:31,093
I know what it cost, and you're
smoking in the house.
775
00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:32,545
How much does Zelda make?
776
00:33:32,594 --> 00:33:34,644
Zelda makes $30 a week.
777
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,560
-Wrong.
-What do you mean wrong?
778
00:33:36,598 --> 00:33:38,478
You can't just say
"wrong" to me.
779
00:33:38,517 --> 00:33:40,597
Zelda makes $60 a week.
780
00:33:40,644 --> 00:33:43,024
That's impossible.
I pay her $30.
781
00:33:43,063 --> 00:33:45,523
-And then I pay her the rest.
-With what?
782
00:33:45,566 --> 00:33:46,976
With the money
from my trust fund.
783
00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,697
You really think we live
like this on your salary?
784
00:33:51,739 --> 00:33:55,159
You really think that Miriam
has all those fabulous clothes
785
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,080
because you were
a professor at Columbia?
786
00:33:57,119 --> 00:34:00,909
The vacations, the dinners,
the cocktail parties--
787
00:34:00,956 --> 00:34:02,616
you think all that exists
788
00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:04,916
because you taught
eight hyper-intelligent,
789
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,840
emotionally-retarded eunuchs
to draw symbols on a chalkboard.
790
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,920
I think you're oversimplifying
my classes.
791
00:34:09,965 --> 00:34:12,625
Do you know one other professor
who lives the way we do?
792
00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:15,716
-Milk is 49 cents a gallon?
-Not one.
793
00:34:15,763 --> 00:34:18,893
They all have drab clothes and
gray skin and they die young.
794
00:34:18,932 --> 00:34:22,062
You're telling me that you paid
for all of these things
795
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,902
-out of your trust fund?
-Yes.
796
00:34:23,937 --> 00:34:25,977
You told me that trust fund
was just there
797
00:34:26,023 --> 00:34:27,193
to buy me birthday presents.
798
00:34:27,232 --> 00:34:28,532
Well, happy fucking birthday,
Abe.
799
00:34:28,567 --> 00:34:30,527
Now cut the crap
and go get our lives back.
800
00:34:31,862 --> 00:34:33,112
This is ridiculous.
801
00:34:33,155 --> 00:34:36,115
All this talk is about
802
00:34:36,158 --> 00:34:37,868
possessions and things.
803
00:34:37,910 --> 00:34:40,580
I mean,
look at this apartment.
804
00:34:40,621 --> 00:34:42,371
Who needs all these rooms?
805
00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:44,084
A living room, a dining room,
806
00:34:44,124 --> 00:34:46,384
a kitchen, two bathrooms.
807
00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:48,418
I have a room, you have a room,
808
00:34:48,462 --> 00:34:50,712
Miriam has a room,
her children have a room.
809
00:34:50,756 --> 00:34:53,626
And the coup de grâce:
this whole room
810
00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:55,715
is for our daughter's clothes.
811
00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:59,351
Clothes and clothes
812
00:34:59,389 --> 00:35:01,269
and more clothes and...
813
00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:05,398
I was never
a materialistic man, Rose.
814
00:35:05,437 --> 00:35:08,567
I cared about science
and thought
815
00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:11,147
and bettering mankind.
Now look at me.
816
00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:12,993
I'm wearing two sweaters.
817
00:35:13,028 --> 00:35:15,028
Rose, tell me,
818
00:35:15,072 --> 00:35:16,452
when did I become a man
819
00:35:16,490 --> 00:35:19,450
who needs five bedrooms?
820
00:35:19,493 --> 00:35:23,373
When did I become a man
who-who needs a linen closet?
821
00:35:23,413 --> 00:35:25,623
When did I become a man
who has a maid?
822
00:35:25,666 --> 00:35:27,666
When did I change?
823
00:35:27,709 --> 00:35:29,589
When did I become this selfish,
824
00:35:29,628 --> 00:35:31,918
materialistic man?
825
00:35:31,964 --> 00:35:34,974
Th-The kind of man
I used to despise.
826
00:35:35,008 --> 00:35:37,508
-When you married me.
-I didn't say that!
827
00:35:37,553 --> 00:35:38,803
Hi, it's me!
828
00:35:38,846 --> 00:35:41,176
I just have to change
and get back to the airfield.
829
00:35:41,223 --> 00:35:42,523
Hey, what happened
to my clothes?
830
00:35:42,558 --> 00:35:44,558
Have you worn all these dresses?
831
00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:46,101
-Have I...
-Because I don't think
832
00:35:46,144 --> 00:35:49,484
you've been on Earth long enough
even at a rate of two per day.
833
00:35:49,523 --> 00:35:52,323
-Okay, what is happening?
-What do you mean,
"What is happening"?
834
00:35:52,359 --> 00:35:53,989
-Have you not been
paying attention?
-She never pays attention.
835
00:35:54,027 --> 00:35:55,317
Our whole lives
are going down the toilet.
836
00:35:55,362 --> 00:35:57,662
-Where the hell have you been?
-She's been out.
837
00:35:57,698 --> 00:35:59,158
Doing whatever it is
she does at night.
838
00:35:59,199 --> 00:36:00,909
Oh, and I suppose
that's my fault, too.
839
00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,911
-You know what
I'm doing at night.
-If you hadn't met me,
840
00:36:02,953 --> 00:36:04,123
then I wouldn't be
Miriam's mother
841
00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:05,792
and she wouldn't be turning
to prostitution
842
00:36:05,831 --> 00:36:08,001
-instead of being married.
-I am not a prostitute.
I'm a comic.
843
00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:10,751
-Is there a difference?
-Yes, prostitutes get paid more.
844
00:36:10,794 --> 00:36:11,964
Hilarious.
845
00:36:12,004 --> 00:36:14,304
-You should go into comedy.
-I did.
846
00:36:14,339 --> 00:36:16,719
I can't deal with you now.
I have enough to worry about.
847
00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:18,178
Yes. You have to figure out
where we're gonna live.
848
00:36:18,218 --> 00:36:19,258
-Okay.
-How we're gonna pay for it.
849
00:36:19,303 --> 00:36:20,893
-Enough.
-And the going rate of Zelda.
850
00:36:20,929 --> 00:36:23,019
-So you took it out
on my clothes?
-He saved you the trouble.
851
00:36:23,056 --> 00:36:25,016
You have to move them anyway
because this is not
852
00:36:25,058 --> 00:36:28,228
-our home anymore.
-It was never ours.
Columbia always owned it.
853
00:36:28,270 --> 00:36:29,810
We would've had to move
eventually.
854
00:36:29,855 --> 00:36:32,225
-Yes, when we died.
-Still, a deadline.
855
00:36:32,274 --> 00:36:33,654
-Oh.
-Blue dress, blue dress.
856
00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:36,362
-What are you doing?
-I need a dress for tonight.
857
00:36:36,403 --> 00:36:38,913
You see? Selfish. That's
the daughter that we raised.
858
00:36:38,947 --> 00:36:40,697
Now wait a minute, don't turn
859
00:36:40,741 --> 00:36:42,411
whatever this fight is
around on me.
860
00:36:42,451 --> 00:36:44,161
I am hardly
the selfish one here.
861
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:45,832
What does that mean?
862
00:36:45,871 --> 00:36:47,711
I couldn't believe it
when Mama told me what you did.
863
00:36:47,748 --> 00:36:49,958
-What I did when?
-Columbia? Quitting?
864
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,380
Giving up the apartment?
I am still in shock.
865
00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:54,379
That situation has nothing
to do with you.
866
00:36:54,421 --> 00:36:56,301
What are you talking about?
I live here.
867
00:36:56,340 --> 00:36:57,760
My children live here.
868
00:36:57,799 --> 00:36:59,379
But you shouldn't be
living here, should you?
869
00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:00,586
You shouldn't be living here,
870
00:37:00,636 --> 00:37:01,846
your children
shouldn't be living here.
871
00:37:01,887 --> 00:37:03,307
You should be living
with your husband,
872
00:37:03,347 --> 00:37:06,307
-at your own place.
-My husband walked out.
873
00:37:06,350 --> 00:37:08,060
Sure, but then
another one walked in.
874
00:37:08,101 --> 00:37:09,311
Yes, a doctor.
875
00:37:09,353 --> 00:37:11,313
What the hell happened
with Benjamin anyway?
876
00:37:11,355 --> 00:37:13,265
-You know what happened
with Benjamin.
-ABE: No.
877
00:37:13,315 --> 00:37:15,435
-I don't.
-We were looking through
magazines, planning menus.
878
00:37:15,484 --> 00:37:18,114
-And I had to sit with him
all morning.
-I told you,
879
00:37:18,153 --> 00:37:20,663
-it wasn't right.
-Is it another man?
880
00:37:20,697 --> 00:37:22,157
-No. No.
-No?
881
00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:24,277
-No?
-Seriously, break the logjam.
882
00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:29,162
I'd follow her if I were you.
883
00:37:30,874 --> 00:37:32,754
MIDGE:
Mama. Mama, can we please
884
00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:35,053
finish this conversation?
885
00:37:35,087 --> 00:37:39,007
"Dear Upper West Side, thank you
for bringing your umbrella.
886
00:37:39,049 --> 00:37:40,589
"I'm at The Den
Friday and Saturday night
887
00:37:40,634 --> 00:37:42,054
"if you feel like dropping by.
888
00:37:42,052 --> 00:37:44,302
If not, I'll see you next time
I'm in town. Lenny."
889
00:37:44,346 --> 00:37:46,256
-Who is Lenny?
-Lenny's a sissy's name.
890
00:37:46,306 --> 00:37:48,516
-Lenny Bruce.
-Bruce is a thug's name.
891
00:37:48,558 --> 00:37:50,058
-He's a comedian.
-Oh, God.
892
00:37:50,102 --> 00:37:53,732
So this Lenny Bruce is the
reason that you left Benjamin?
893
00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:55,650
-What? No.
-He sends you flowers.
894
00:37:55,732 --> 00:37:57,072
I am not spending
the morning with him.
895
00:37:57,109 --> 00:37:58,359
You can tell him that right now.
896
00:37:58,402 --> 00:38:00,742
Will you listen to me?
I said he was just a friend.
897
00:38:00,737 --> 00:38:02,067
I can't believe
you dropped a surgeon
898
00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:03,322
to go out with some comedian.
899
00:38:03,365 --> 00:38:05,405
I did not drop Benjamin
for Lenny.
900
00:38:05,450 --> 00:38:07,450
You are frivolous and flighty.
901
00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:09,124
And that's what happens
when you let someone
902
00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:10,754
have an entire room for skirts.
903
00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:13,037
Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault that
she's like that, is that it?
904
00:38:13,083 --> 00:38:16,343
I didn't say that,
but I am not her shopping buddy.
905
00:38:16,378 --> 00:38:17,958
Oh, you know what,
I've had it.
906
00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:19,835
I'm tired of hearing
my husband of 31 years
907
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,471
blame me for everything.
908
00:38:21,508 --> 00:38:23,468
Blame me because he's not
a freedom fighter.
909
00:38:23,510 --> 00:38:25,390
Blame me because
he's not Che Guevara.
910
00:38:25,429 --> 00:38:26,929
That's ridiculous.
Che Guevara isn't Jewish.
911
00:38:26,972 --> 00:38:28,392
I'm sorry, Abe.
912
00:38:28,432 --> 00:38:30,432
I'm sorry that you weren't there
to bring Stalin down.
913
00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,135
I'm sorry your hair's
not unkempt
914
00:38:32,185 --> 00:38:33,765
and you're not growing
a full beard
915
00:38:33,812 --> 00:38:35,772
and you're not fornicating
with syphilitic poets.
916
00:38:35,814 --> 00:38:37,734
I'm sure your beatnik hero
Jack Krack-a-wack must be
917
00:38:37,774 --> 00:38:40,654
-just rife with syphilis.
-Do you mean Jack Kerouac?
918
00:38:40,694 --> 00:38:41,864
-Oh...
-Who?
919
00:38:41,903 --> 00:38:44,243
Jack Kerouac.
On the Road?
920
00:38:44,281 --> 00:38:46,371
Oh, for God's sake,
you should know him.
921
00:38:46,408 --> 00:38:47,908
-You're young.
-I don't read. I...
922
00:38:47,951 --> 00:38:51,331
How a daughter of mine developed
absolutely no intellectual
923
00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:54,751
or social curiosity or sense
of responsibility is beyond me.
924
00:38:54,791 --> 00:38:56,751
Oh, please. Please.
925
00:38:56,793 --> 00:38:58,963
How dare you double-please me.
926
00:38:59,004 --> 00:39:01,174
You don't even know
who Lenny Bruce is.
927
00:39:01,214 --> 00:39:03,724
You blather on and on
about free speech.
928
00:39:03,759 --> 00:39:06,339
He's out there getting arrested
in the name of free speech.
929
00:39:06,386 --> 00:39:09,766
He's talking about things no one
has the balls to talk about.
930
00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:12,056
You put down comedy
and what I do.
931
00:39:12,100 --> 00:39:14,270
You don't even know
what goes on out there.
932
00:39:14,311 --> 00:39:15,901
This guy is the real deal,
933
00:39:15,937 --> 00:39:18,607
but you just scoff
and pretend that he's nothing.
934
00:39:18,648 --> 00:39:20,028
That is ignorant.
935
00:39:20,067 --> 00:39:21,857
You are ignorant.
936
00:39:21,902 --> 00:39:23,492
Found my dress.
937
00:39:24,988 --> 00:39:26,988
Well, you can wear that,
it's been on the floor--
938
00:39:27,032 --> 00:39:29,702
it needs to be steamed.
939
00:39:29,743 --> 00:39:31,833
And you quit your piano lessons!
940
00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:34,750
-MIDGE: When I was eight!
-You just quit.
You're a quitter.
941
00:39:34,790 --> 00:39:36,290
I hated piano.
942
00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:39,173
Of course you hated piano--
didn't come with a costume.
943
00:39:39,211 --> 00:39:42,421
MIDGE:
I was a terrible player.
The neighbors complained.
944
00:39:42,464 --> 00:39:45,634
-My teacher used earplugs.
-But you should not have quit.
945
00:39:45,675 --> 00:39:48,505
That sets the tone
for an entire life.
946
00:39:48,553 --> 00:39:50,563
I have to go.
I have to work.
947
00:39:50,597 --> 00:39:53,137
Ah. You quit piano,
you quit your marriage,
948
00:39:53,183 --> 00:39:55,643
you quit Benjamin.
I wouldn't be surprised
949
00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:58,145
if you quit
this comedy thing, too.
950
00:39:59,189 --> 00:40:00,979
Never.
951
00:40:05,487 --> 00:40:08,317
-(elevator bell dings)
-(gate squeaks open)
952
00:40:08,365 --> 00:40:11,485
(gate squeaks closed)
953
00:40:23,255 --> 00:40:25,875
-So this is it.
-How do you already have keys?
954
00:40:25,882 --> 00:40:27,762
I signed the lease,
they gave me the keys.
955
00:40:27,801 --> 00:40:29,851
Joel Maisel,
strikes a hard bargain.
956
00:40:29,886 --> 00:40:31,386
-Let it be known!
-How much?
957
00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:33,769
-$500 a month. It's a steal.
-(chuckling): Hey!
958
00:40:33,807 --> 00:40:36,097
-You've already got a bar.
-And a stage.
959
00:40:36,143 --> 00:40:38,103
Probably needs shoring up,
but the layout's perfect.
960
00:40:38,145 --> 00:40:39,595
What's with all the buttons?
961
00:40:39,646 --> 00:40:41,646
One of my dad's suppliers
was using it as storage.
962
00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:43,110
That's how I heard
about this place.
963
00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:45,030
Buttons, buttons...
964
00:40:45,068 --> 00:40:46,528
The Button Club.
There's your name.
965
00:40:46,570 --> 00:40:48,410
Looks like I found
my creative director.
966
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,276
-I don't come cheap.
-That's not what I heard.
967
00:40:50,323 --> 00:40:52,163
I think you got a bargain,
buddy. Really.
968
00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,740
Timing's good, too.
Mom and Pop are in a good place,
969
00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:56,746
and with my divorce
getting finalized now...
970
00:40:56,788 --> 00:40:59,168
-Aw, shit.
-Nah, it's fine. It's good.
971
00:40:59,207 --> 00:41:02,707
-Really. It's a new beginning.
-Okay. So when do we start?
972
00:41:02,752 --> 00:41:05,382
-We?
-I'm your creative director.
Try and stop me.
973
00:41:05,422 --> 00:41:07,262
Unless you're Imogene,
who will try and stop me.
974
00:41:07,299 --> 00:41:09,469
(chuckles) We'll need
a couple of crowbars,
975
00:41:09,509 --> 00:41:12,509
-a ton of sandpaper...
-(shouting in Chinese)
976
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,940
-Joel?
-I don't know.
977
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:22,308
-Where does that door go?
-I never saw that door.
978
00:41:22,355 --> 00:41:25,275
You leased a space
with a scary mystery door?
979
00:41:25,317 --> 00:41:26,857
No. Yes.
980
00:41:26,902 --> 00:41:28,152
I don't know.
981
00:41:34,284 --> 00:41:37,044
(shouting, clamoring
in distance)
982
00:41:45,086 --> 00:41:47,456
(shouting, clamoring stops)
983
00:41:57,432 --> 00:41:59,352
(shouting, clamoring resumes)
984
00:42:08,068 --> 00:42:10,028
-Archie?
-I don't know.
985
00:42:10,070 --> 00:42:13,030
-Shit. Shit!
-You can say that again.
986
00:42:13,073 --> 00:42:15,203
I've already signed a lease.
I've put money down.
987
00:42:15,242 --> 00:42:17,242
(woman shouting in Chinese)
988
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:21,040
Hi.
989
00:42:21,081 --> 00:42:22,041
-Hi.
-Hello.
990
00:42:22,082 --> 00:42:23,462
You the new tenants?
991
00:42:23,500 --> 00:42:25,250
I'm the new tenant. What the
hell is going on in there?
992
00:42:25,293 --> 00:42:27,133
-Where?
-Behind you, in there.
993
00:42:27,170 --> 00:42:28,710
Nothing.
What's your name?
994
00:42:28,755 --> 00:42:30,335
Forget my name.
What is that?
995
00:42:30,382 --> 00:42:32,182
-Who are those people?
-Family gathering.
996
00:42:32,217 --> 00:42:34,047
-Really? Your family?
-Yup.
997
00:42:34,094 --> 00:42:35,604
-Yup. Yup.
-All of them?
998
00:42:35,637 --> 00:42:37,557
-The guy serving drinks?
-My cousin.
999
00:42:37,597 --> 00:42:39,307
-JOEL:
He was wearing a name tag.
-I have a lot of cousins.
1000
00:42:39,349 --> 00:42:40,729
Those people in there
are gambling.
1001
00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:43,397
-What? No.
-We saw dice, we saw cards.
1002
00:42:43,436 --> 00:42:44,646
They're throwing cash around.
1003
00:42:44,688 --> 00:42:47,018
I always liked this space.
What's it gonna be?
1004
00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:49,105
A club.
Look, don't change the subject.
1005
00:42:49,150 --> 00:42:50,440
I need to know what's going on.
1006
00:42:50,485 --> 00:42:52,275
I don't want to get tied up
in something illegal.
1007
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,490
Nobody's gonna tie you up.
What kind of club?
1008
00:42:54,531 --> 00:42:56,741
I signed a lease,
I made a deposit.
1009
00:42:56,783 --> 00:43:00,203
You know, a long time ago,
this was a club. A magic club.
1010
00:43:00,245 --> 00:43:03,455
One night, the guy
made a woman disappear.
1011
00:43:03,498 --> 00:43:04,918
No one ever found her again.
1012
00:43:04,958 --> 00:43:07,458
Wait, what?
Something happened to her?
1013
00:43:07,502 --> 00:43:09,342
No, he was just
a really bad magician.
1014
00:43:09,379 --> 00:43:10,879
-Listen...
-Or maybe a really good one.
1015
00:43:10,922 --> 00:43:12,512
No, that is not a true story,
1016
00:43:12,549 --> 00:43:14,929
just like a family gathering
is not a true story.
1017
00:43:14,968 --> 00:43:17,928
-That is not your cousin.
-Okay, so it's been nice
talking to you.
1018
00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:19,431
You shouldn't come through
this door again.
1019
00:43:19,472 --> 00:43:22,522
-Wait.
-Leave us alone,
we'll leave you alone.
1020
00:43:22,559 --> 00:43:24,349
Or what-- I'll disappear?
1021
00:43:24,394 --> 00:43:26,234
Well, that's silly.
1022
00:43:26,271 --> 00:43:28,271
(whispers):
I'm not a magician.
1023
00:43:31,818 --> 00:43:33,068
Shit.
1024
00:43:33,111 --> 00:43:35,321
-Buddy, it's fine.
-(door closes)
1025
00:43:35,363 --> 00:43:36,703
We leave them alone,
1026
00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:38,620
-they'll leave us alone.
-(door opens)
1027
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:46,369
Mmm. Mmm.
1028
00:43:48,418 --> 00:43:50,748
I quit.
1029
00:43:50,795 --> 00:43:52,795
♪ The moon was ♪
1030
00:43:52,839 --> 00:43:56,339
-♪ All aglow ♪
-(indistinct conversations)
1031
00:43:56,384 --> 00:44:00,224
♪ And heaven
was in your eyes... ♪
1032
00:44:00,263 --> 00:44:01,773
(coughs)
1033
00:44:01,806 --> 00:44:04,596
I'm... I'm here
to see Lenny Bruce.
1034
00:44:04,642 --> 00:44:07,652
$2.50 cover, two drink minimum.
1035
00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:09,267
Well, all right, and...
1036
00:44:09,314 --> 00:44:11,864
that's if you
drink both drinks,
1037
00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:14,570
or just in general?
1038
00:44:14,611 --> 00:44:16,401
In general.
1039
00:44:16,446 --> 00:44:18,446
Okay.
1040
00:44:20,533 --> 00:44:24,333
♪ The night that you told me ♪
1041
00:44:24,371 --> 00:44:26,501
♪ Those little white. ♪
1042
00:44:26,539 --> 00:44:29,879
-(music stops)
-ANNOUNCER: Ladies
and gentlemen, Lenny Bruce.
1043
00:44:29,918 --> 00:44:31,918
(applause, cheering)
1044
00:44:36,549 --> 00:44:37,929
Thank you.
1045
00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:40,137
Oh, that's a very nice welcome.
1046
00:44:40,178 --> 00:44:43,178
Uh, did any of you
happen to catch me
1047
00:44:43,223 --> 00:44:44,853
on The Steve Allen Show?
1048
00:44:44,891 --> 00:44:46,521
-(applause, cheering)
-Yeah.
1049
00:44:46,559 --> 00:44:48,139
I cleaned up very nicely,
1050
00:44:48,186 --> 00:44:51,226
if I do say so myself.
I, uh...
1051
00:44:51,272 --> 00:44:54,782
I sang a little song,
I offended no one.
1052
00:44:56,361 --> 00:44:59,201
You see, often I am billed
at nightclubs
1053
00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:00,989
with a sign that says,
1054
00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:03,412
"For Adults Only."
1055
00:45:03,451 --> 00:45:07,291
I am very interested in the
motivation for that billing.
1056
00:45:07,330 --> 00:45:10,420
I must assume
that "for adults only"
1057
00:45:10,458 --> 00:45:14,248
means that my point of view
would be a deterrent
1058
00:45:14,295 --> 00:45:16,625
to the development
of a well-adjusted member
1059
00:45:16,673 --> 00:45:18,343
of the community.
1060
00:45:18,383 --> 00:45:22,013
See, the argument is
a child will ape
1061
00:45:22,053 --> 00:45:24,013
the actions of an actor.
1062
00:45:24,055 --> 00:45:26,715
What he sees now
in his formative years,
1063
00:45:26,766 --> 00:45:28,636
he may do as an adult,
1064
00:45:28,685 --> 00:45:31,725
so then we must be very careful
1065
00:45:31,771 --> 00:45:34,611
what we let the child see.
1066
00:45:34,649 --> 00:45:36,939
So then I would rather my kid
1067
00:45:36,985 --> 00:45:39,525
see a stag film
1068
00:45:39,571 --> 00:45:42,661
than The Ten Commandments
or The King of Kings,
1069
00:45:42,699 --> 00:45:46,579
because I don't want my kids to
kill Christ when he comes back.
1070
00:45:46,619 --> 00:45:48,199
(laughter, applause)
1071
00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,076
Well, that's what they see
in those pictures--
1072
00:45:50,123 --> 00:45:52,423
that violence.
1073
00:45:52,459 --> 00:45:56,379
Well, let me just take your kids
to a dirty movie then.
1074
00:45:56,421 --> 00:45:59,221
All right kids,
uh, sit down now,
1075
00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:00,967
the picture's about to start.
1076
00:46:01,009 --> 00:46:04,429
Oh, it's not like Psycho,
with lots of four-letter words,
1077
00:46:04,471 --> 00:46:08,181
like, "kill"
and "maim" and "hurt."
1078
00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:11,694
No, it's a dirty movie.
Okay.
1079
00:46:11,728 --> 00:46:14,808
A couple is coming in now,
and, uh... Oh.
1080
00:46:14,856 --> 00:46:17,226
The guy is picking up
the pillow.
1081
00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,815
Oh, he'll probably
smother her with it,
1082
00:46:19,861 --> 00:46:22,281
that'll be a good opening.
1083
00:46:22,322 --> 00:46:26,032
Oh, the degenerate,
he's putting it under her ass.
1084
00:46:26,075 --> 00:46:28,655
-(laughing)
-Jesus. (clicks tongue)
1085
00:46:28,703 --> 00:46:31,043
Oh, I hate to show this crap
to you kids.
1086
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:33,120
Uh... Oh, right,
1087
00:46:33,166 --> 00:46:35,666
now he's raising his hand.
1088
00:46:35,710 --> 00:46:38,510
He'll probably strike her,
and, uh...
1089
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:41,626
Nope, he's caressing her
1090
00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:44,644
and kissing her.
1091
00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:47,347
-Oh, this is disgusting.
-(laughing)
1092
00:46:47,388 --> 00:46:49,928
All right, now he's
kissing her some more,
1093
00:46:49,974 --> 00:46:52,394
and, uh...
Oh, she's saying something.
1094
00:46:52,435 --> 00:46:55,765
Uh, she'll probably scream
at him, "Get out of here!"
1095
00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:58,783
No, no, she's saying,
1096
00:46:58,816 --> 00:47:01,686
"I love you. I'm coming."
1097
00:47:04,113 --> 00:47:06,163
Oh, kids, I'm sorry
1098
00:47:06,199 --> 00:47:08,279
that I had to show you
anything like this.
1099
00:47:08,326 --> 00:47:10,036
God knows it'll be
on my conscience
1100
00:47:10,078 --> 00:47:12,288
for the rest of my life.
1101
00:47:12,330 --> 00:47:14,670
I never did see one stag film
1102
00:47:14,707 --> 00:47:16,287
where anyone got killed
in the end,
1103
00:47:16,334 --> 00:47:18,094
or even slapped in the mouth,
1104
00:47:18,127 --> 00:47:22,047
or where there was any
Communist propaganda.
1105
00:47:22,090 --> 00:47:25,550
(chuckles) I can tell
from the body language
1106
00:47:25,593 --> 00:47:28,643
the police think the show's
about to get interesting.
1107
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,850
-(audience murmurs)
-Did you see me on Steve Allen?
1108
00:47:30,890 --> 00:47:33,100
-(audience laughing)
-No.
1109
00:47:33,142 --> 00:47:34,852
Ah, well.
1110
00:47:34,894 --> 00:47:36,984
That's too bad,
you would've liked it. Uh...
1111
00:47:38,022 --> 00:47:41,282
Okay, so I want to point out
1112
00:47:41,317 --> 00:47:43,737
the "God made the body" paradox
1113
00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:46,068
of the decent people
who would object
1114
00:47:46,114 --> 00:47:49,914
to this, uh,
groovy-looking chick.
1115
00:47:49,951 --> 00:47:53,371
-(audience whoops)
-Now, if I'm dressing,
1116
00:47:53,413 --> 00:47:55,293
and I see that chick there,
1117
00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:58,791
Miss September, across the way,
I'm gonna look.
1118
00:47:58,835 --> 00:48:01,455
-That's it, Bruce.
-But, see, in our society,
1119
00:48:01,504 --> 00:48:04,424
it's pull down the shade
and charge two bucks to get in.
1120
00:48:04,465 --> 00:48:06,965
-Let's go, now.
-That's what repression does.
1121
00:48:07,010 --> 00:48:09,970
The obscenity law, when
everything else boils away, is
1122
00:48:10,013 --> 00:48:11,893
does it appeal
to the prurient interest?
1123
00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:14,061
Well, I want to know
what's wrong with appealing
1124
00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:16,560
to the prurient interest.
No, I really want
1125
00:48:16,603 --> 00:48:18,563
the Supreme Court
to stand up and tell me
1126
00:48:18,605 --> 00:48:20,435
that fucking is dirty
and no good.
1127
00:48:20,481 --> 00:48:22,191
(applause, cheering)
1128
00:48:23,443 --> 00:48:24,693
All right, I'm coming.
1129
00:48:24,736 --> 00:48:26,646
I'm coming.
1130
00:48:26,696 --> 00:48:29,656
You actually let me get a lot
farther that time, thank you.
1131
00:48:29,699 --> 00:48:31,699
-Yeah, let's go.
-(jeering, booing)
1132
00:48:34,287 --> 00:48:36,367
Here, you take it.
1133
00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:39,084
A-Are they arresting him?
Wait, are you arresting him?
1134
00:48:39,125 --> 00:48:41,705
-Sit down, sir.
-B-B-But you-you can't do that.
1135
00:48:41,753 --> 00:48:43,633
-He-He's just talking.
-I mean it.
1136
00:48:43,671 --> 00:48:46,761
Look, I understand you don't
like it. I don't either, really.
1137
00:48:46,799 --> 00:48:50,389
It was obscene, repulsive,
that girl was clearly very cold.
1138
00:48:50,428 --> 00:48:51,798
Who wants to see that?
1139
00:48:51,846 --> 00:48:54,806
But that's not really
for you to decide, is it?
1140
00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:56,639
Listen to the man,
he's wearing two sweaters.
1141
00:48:56,684 --> 00:48:58,694
I'm telling you for
the last time, sir, sit down.
1142
00:48:58,728 --> 00:49:01,518
I won't sit down.
I don't have to sit down.
1143
00:49:01,564 --> 00:49:03,824
I have the right to stand,
don't I?
1144
00:49:03,858 --> 00:49:07,318
-(audience cheers)
-Wh-What, i-is standing
and talking illegal now?
1145
00:49:07,362 --> 00:49:09,532
-Or just standing?
-Okay, you want to come, too?
1146
00:49:09,572 --> 00:49:12,912
Right. How about leaning?
Where do you land on leaning?
1147
00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:14,950
(cheering, whistling)
1148
00:49:16,537 --> 00:49:18,537
(man shouting in distance)
1149
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,550
Gandhi went to jail.
1150
00:49:25,588 --> 00:49:29,338
Galileo died under house arrest.
Emma Goldman was deported.
1151
00:49:29,384 --> 00:49:32,184
I just tell jokes, man,
that's all.
1152
00:49:33,388 --> 00:49:34,808
You misspoke, though.
1153
00:49:35,932 --> 00:49:37,732
-I'm sorry?
-(chuckles)
1154
00:49:37,767 --> 00:49:39,517
You called the woman
Miss September.
1155
00:49:39,560 --> 00:49:40,770
She was Miss December.
1156
00:49:40,812 --> 00:49:42,812
Oh, yeah?
1157
00:49:42,855 --> 00:49:44,435
Yeah.
There was a wreath
1158
00:49:44,482 --> 00:49:46,862
in the lower left corner.
1159
00:49:49,821 --> 00:49:52,451
I think you still
made your point, though.
1160
00:49:55,159 --> 00:49:57,909
The flowers were very nice,
by the way.
1161
00:50:00,707 --> 00:50:02,667
-SUSIE: Are you in?
-SOLDIER: Yeah, I'm in.
-SOLDIER 2: Me, too.
1162
00:50:02,709 --> 00:50:04,589
-I'm out.
-Oh, such a girl.
1163
00:50:04,627 --> 00:50:05,797
Give me one.
1164
00:50:05,837 --> 00:50:07,457
So who else do you know?
Annette Funicello?
1165
00:50:07,505 --> 00:50:08,665
-No.
-Give me three.
1166
00:50:08,715 --> 00:50:09,875
-Barbara Stanwyck?
-Nope.
1167
00:50:09,924 --> 00:50:11,094
Ava Gardner?
1168
00:50:11,134 --> 00:50:13,644
No, guys, no.
I don't know people like that.
1169
00:50:13,678 --> 00:50:16,218
-But you're in show business.
-We don't all hang out together.
1170
00:50:16,264 --> 00:50:17,814
Do you know Jayne Mansfield?
1171
00:50:17,849 --> 00:50:20,179
Actually, her I know.
She's my cat's godmother.
1172
00:50:20,226 --> 00:50:21,436
-(gasps)
-Really?
1173
00:50:21,477 --> 00:50:23,857
No. Jesus.
You guys are so gullible.
1174
00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:26,266
-I'm out.
-Hey, Myerson.
1175
00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:28,275
Your girl's back
and she's looking for you.
1176
00:50:28,317 --> 00:50:30,777
Shit.
Okay, I got to go.
1177
00:50:30,820 --> 00:50:32,450
Hey, listen,
I have three of a kind,
1178
00:50:32,488 --> 00:50:34,988
-so if you can beat that,
the pot's yours.
-(scoffs)
1179
00:50:35,032 --> 00:50:38,082
Ah, I got nothing!
(blows raspberry)
1180
00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:39,329
Hey!
1181
00:50:39,370 --> 00:50:41,330
(indistinct conversations)
1182
00:50:41,372 --> 00:50:43,082
("Wiggle Wiggle"
by the Accents playing)
1183
00:50:43,124 --> 00:50:46,004
♪ Do do-do do do-do
do wop wop ♪
1184
00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:48,503
♪ Do do-do do do
do wop wop ♪
1185
00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:51,086
♪ Do do-do
do do do wop wop ♪
1186
00:50:51,132 --> 00:50:53,342
♪ Do-do-do wop wop,
do do ♪
1187
00:50:53,384 --> 00:50:56,104
♪ You don't have to be pretty ♪
1188
00:50:56,137 --> 00:50:58,217
♪ You don't have to wear
fine clothes ♪
1189
00:50:58,264 --> 00:51:00,274
♪ All you gotta do
is just walk along... ♪
1190
00:51:00,308 --> 00:51:02,188
-Hey.
-Where have you been?
1191
00:51:02,226 --> 00:51:04,846
I've been here so long, I almost
had to go home and change again.
1192
00:51:04,896 --> 00:51:06,606
-It's a good outfit.
-Thanks.
1193
00:51:06,647 --> 00:51:08,357
-Where's Shy?
-I don't know.
1194
00:51:08,399 --> 00:51:10,439
I don't see him
or any of the band here yet.
1195
00:51:10,485 --> 00:51:12,695
Well, maybe they tell time
like you do.
1196
00:51:12,737 --> 00:51:15,027
Uh, Mitchell,
where's everyone else?
1197
00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:16,122
Everyone who?
1198
00:51:16,157 --> 00:51:17,117
Shy. The band.
1199
00:51:17,158 --> 00:51:18,448
Oh, they're not coming.
1200
00:51:18,493 --> 00:51:19,703
What do you mean
they're not coming?
1201
00:51:19,744 --> 00:51:20,794
This is a dance for the boys.
1202
00:51:20,828 --> 00:51:21,788
We didn't need a band.
1203
00:51:21,829 --> 00:51:23,709
-But you told me to be here.
-I know.
1204
00:51:23,748 --> 00:51:25,458
We needed to make sure there
were enough girls to go around.
1205
00:51:25,500 --> 00:51:26,880
You know,
a room full of sure things.
1206
00:51:26,918 --> 00:51:28,038
What are you talking about?
1207
00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,125
Well, the base is far.
1208
00:51:29,170 --> 00:51:30,210
We have to ship girls in
from Jersey.
1209
00:51:30,254 --> 00:51:31,554
Another busload
should be arriving soon
1210
00:51:31,589 --> 00:51:33,049
if you're worried
about the workload.
1211
00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:35,720
I'm sorry, what exactly do you
expect me to do with these guys?
1212
00:51:35,760 --> 00:51:37,140
Dance. Just dance.
1213
00:51:37,178 --> 00:51:38,968
She's not a dancer.
She's a goddamn comic.
1214
00:51:39,013 --> 00:51:41,223
Yes, but, unfortunately,
she's also extremely attractive.
1215
00:51:41,265 --> 00:51:42,975
Well, that is very flattering.
1216
00:51:43,017 --> 00:51:44,557
And I did take ballet as a girl.
1217
00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:46,152
Hey.
Do not let that sway you.
1218
00:51:46,187 --> 00:51:47,977
-Stay mad.
-It's her patriotic duty.
1219
00:51:48,022 --> 00:51:49,322
Look around.
1220
00:51:49,357 --> 00:51:51,027
Ten percent of these boys
are gonna wind up dead.
1221
00:51:51,067 --> 00:51:52,397
You're not even at war.
1222
00:51:52,443 --> 00:51:53,993
What, are they gonna
have a car accident?
1223
00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,158
Trip on the tarmac
and get run over by a plane?
1224
00:51:56,197 --> 00:51:57,407
Happened twice.
1225
00:51:57,448 --> 00:51:59,408
Ah, great. The bus.
1226
00:51:59,450 --> 00:52:01,240
Well, this isn't humiliating
at all.
1227
00:52:01,285 --> 00:52:02,745
I say let's go.
1228
00:52:02,787 --> 00:52:04,037
No, it's a dance.
1229
00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:05,960
For the boys.
I can dance.
1230
00:52:05,998 --> 00:52:08,878
Geez, what part of Jersey
are these woofers from?
1231
00:52:08,918 --> 00:52:11,628
You are gonna be
very popular tonight.
1232
00:52:11,671 --> 00:52:13,301
You think that punch is spiked?
1233
00:52:13,339 --> 00:52:15,299
(sighs)
It is now.
1234
00:52:15,341 --> 00:52:17,801
Hey, listen, uh...
(clears throat)
1235
00:52:17,844 --> 00:52:19,644
before you completely debase
yourself
1236
00:52:19,679 --> 00:52:21,219
-for your country...
-Mm.
1237
00:52:21,264 --> 00:52:23,224
there's something
I need to tell you.
1238
00:52:23,266 --> 00:52:25,976
Is it that I'm unfortunately
extremely attractive?
1239
00:52:26,018 --> 00:52:27,768
It is not.
1240
00:52:29,605 --> 00:52:30,895
I have a chance,
1241
00:52:30,940 --> 00:52:32,440
an opportunity to do something.
1242
00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:33,443
It's pretty big.
1243
00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:34,824
Ooh. Exciting. What?
1244
00:52:34,861 --> 00:52:37,411
I'm gonna manage Sophie Lennon.
1245
00:52:37,446 --> 00:52:39,366
-Who?
-Sophie Lennon.
1246
00:52:39,407 --> 00:52:41,327
-You're gonna...
-Manage Sophie Lennon.
1247
00:52:41,367 --> 00:52:43,577
-This is a joke, right?
-Hey, let's dance!
1248
00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:46,079
(grunts)
1249
00:52:46,122 --> 00:52:48,252
♪ You can put a wiggle
in a shimmy sack... ♪
1250
00:52:48,291 --> 00:52:50,671
Christ. Move.
1251
00:52:50,710 --> 00:52:53,250
♪ Now, listen to me,
little girl ♪
1252
00:52:53,296 --> 00:52:55,586
♪ You're as cute as you can be ♪
1253
00:52:55,631 --> 00:52:57,131
♪ But forget all about
your beauty, girl... ♪
1254
00:52:57,174 --> 00:52:58,844
Tell me it's a fucking joke.
1255
00:52:58,885 --> 00:53:00,335
-SOLDIER: Hey, where'd you go?
-Jesus. No, it's not...
1256
00:53:00,386 --> 00:53:03,256
♪ Do do-do do do-do
do wop wop ♪
1257
00:53:03,306 --> 00:53:05,676
♪ Do do-do do
do-do do wop wop ♪
1258
00:53:05,725 --> 00:53:07,385
♪ Do-do-do do do do... ♪
1259
00:53:07,435 --> 00:53:08,935
Because, clearly,
it has got to be a joke.
1260
00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:10,438
-There is no way you could
-Let's go!
1261
00:53:10,479 --> 00:53:12,859
seriously be telling me
that you are... (grunts)
1262
00:53:12,899 --> 00:53:15,649
Excuse me.
Please stop.
1263
00:53:15,693 --> 00:53:17,193
Look.
1264
00:53:17,236 --> 00:53:18,946
Look, I-I know this is a shock,
1265
00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:20,278
and I get why you'd be mad.
1266
00:53:20,323 --> 00:53:21,453
Uh, mad?
Oh, no, I'm not...
1267
00:53:21,490 --> 00:53:22,530
Stop.
1268
00:53:22,575 --> 00:53:23,695
I'm not mad.
1269
00:53:23,743 --> 00:53:25,453
I am too angry to be mad.
1270
00:53:25,494 --> 00:53:26,664
That doesn't make sense.
1271
00:53:26,704 --> 00:53:28,834
Sophie Lennon is my sworn enemy.
1272
00:53:28,873 --> 00:53:30,253
Hey, maybe don't say
"sworn enemy"
1273
00:53:30,291 --> 00:53:31,921
-in a room full of soldiers.
-Susie.
1274
00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:33,919
I didn't go looking for this,
okay?
1275
00:53:33,961 --> 00:53:36,421
She summoned me to her house,
and I only went because of you.
1276
00:53:36,464 --> 00:53:37,924
-Me?
-Yes.
1277
00:53:37,965 --> 00:53:39,755
I wanted to try
to smooth shit over
1278
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:41,050
so she'd stop messing with you.
1279
00:53:41,052 --> 00:53:42,432
And the next thing I knew,
she's talking to me
1280
00:53:42,470 --> 00:53:44,600
about how I defended you,
how I fought for you,
1281
00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:46,059
and she wants me
to do that for her.
1282
00:53:46,098 --> 00:53:48,388
That psychotic giraffe
of a woman
1283
00:53:48,434 --> 00:53:51,404
has been trying to destroy me
for a year.
1284
00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:52,647
I know. I was there.
1285
00:53:52,688 --> 00:53:54,568
She's a nightmare.
A monster. A hack.
1286
00:53:54,607 --> 00:53:55,937
She hates me.
1287
00:53:55,983 --> 00:53:58,323
Hey, Sophie is a big star.
1288
00:53:58,361 --> 00:54:00,321
You understand?
This is business.
1289
00:54:00,363 --> 00:54:03,163
You want me to turn down
a giant opportunity?
1290
00:54:03,199 --> 00:54:05,329
-Yes.
-Okay, then what was all that
1291
00:54:05,368 --> 00:54:07,158
Susie Myerson and Associates
bullshit, huh?
1292
00:54:07,203 --> 00:54:08,373
That was your idea.
1293
00:54:08,371 --> 00:54:09,961
I mean,
if you are my only client,
1294
00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:11,957
then what are all these
other associates gonna be doing?
1295
00:54:11,999 --> 00:54:13,379
Helping you pick out your hats?
1296
00:54:13,376 --> 00:54:14,746
If I am gonna do this,
1297
00:54:14,794 --> 00:54:16,094
then I have to do this.
1298
00:54:16,128 --> 00:54:17,588
And what am I supposed to do?
1299
00:54:17,630 --> 00:54:20,010
Just forget the fact
that she had me blackballed
1300
00:54:20,049 --> 00:54:21,719
from every club in town?
1301
00:54:21,759 --> 00:54:23,929
If I'm her manager,
I'm sure that will stop.
1302
00:54:23,970 --> 00:54:26,430
Are you kidding me?
1303
00:54:26,472 --> 00:54:28,682
Look, my apartment
is $40 a month,
1304
00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:30,774
and I have to sublet it
to Jackie.
1305
00:54:30,810 --> 00:54:33,600
To Jackie-- a man that
will definitely sit bare-assed
1306
00:54:33,646 --> 00:54:35,186
on my one leather chair.
1307
00:54:35,231 --> 00:54:36,401
There's no choice there.
1308
00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,070
I can't afford not to.
1309
00:54:38,109 --> 00:54:40,069
When you make $4,000,
I make $400.
1310
00:54:40,111 --> 00:54:41,781
And in case you're wondering,
that's less.
1311
00:54:41,821 --> 00:54:43,661
-Fuck you.
-This changes nothing.
1312
00:54:43,698 --> 00:54:47,328
-SOLDIER: Conga!
-I... You are still
everything to me,
1313
00:54:47,368 --> 00:54:49,248
but I can't go around
calling myself a manager
1314
00:54:49,286 --> 00:54:51,076
if I'm not gonna
act like a manager.
1315
00:54:51,122 --> 00:54:53,122
So you are definitely
doing this?
1316
00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:54,825
I have to.
1317
00:54:54,875 --> 00:54:56,165
(conga music playing)
1318
00:54:56,210 --> 00:54:58,210
Oh! Oh...
1319
00:55:00,006 --> 00:55:02,216
DANCERS:
Oh! Oh!
1320
00:55:03,259 --> 00:55:04,429
Oh!
1321
00:55:04,468 --> 00:55:07,098
(laughing)
1322
00:55:11,183 --> 00:55:13,193
Abe Weissman.
1323
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,823
(indistinct chatter)
1324
00:55:35,916 --> 00:55:37,876
Wait.
1325
00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:39,378
What?
1326
00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:49,465
You bailed me out?
1327
00:55:49,513 --> 00:55:50,473
Yes.
1328
00:55:50,514 --> 00:55:51,474
Well, she...
1329
00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:52,885
I bailed you out.
1330
00:55:52,933 --> 00:55:55,353
Okay.
1331
00:56:00,941 --> 00:56:02,941
Thanks.
1332
00:56:04,695 --> 00:56:06,945
I thanked him for the flowers.
1333
00:56:14,955 --> 00:56:16,955
("Jailbreak"
by Thin Lizzy playing)
1334
00:56:20,336 --> 00:56:24,046
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
1335
00:56:24,090 --> 00:56:27,260
♪ Somewhere in this town ♪
1336
00:56:27,301 --> 00:56:30,551
♪ See, me and the boys,
we don't like it ♪
1337
00:56:30,596 --> 00:56:33,926
♪ So we're getting up
and going down ♪
1338
00:56:33,974 --> 00:56:37,274
♪ Hiding low,
looking right to left ♪
1339
00:56:37,311 --> 00:56:40,651
♪ If you see us coming,
I think it's best ♪
1340
00:56:40,689 --> 00:56:43,899
♪ To move away,
do you hear what I say ♪
1341
00:56:43,943 --> 00:56:48,033
♪ From under my breath ♪
1342
00:56:48,072 --> 00:56:51,452
♪ Tonight, there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
1343
00:56:51,492 --> 00:56:54,792
♪ Somewhere in the town ♪
1344
00:56:54,829 --> 00:56:58,249
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
1345
00:56:58,290 --> 00:57:01,250
♪ So don't you be around ♪
1346
00:57:03,045 --> 00:57:04,795
♪ Don't you be around ♪
1347
00:57:14,932 --> 00:57:18,232
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
1348
00:57:18,269 --> 00:57:20,599
♪ Some of us won't survive ♪
1349
00:57:22,356 --> 00:57:24,146
♪ See, the boys and me
mean business ♪
1350
00:57:24,191 --> 00:57:27,571
♪ Bustin' out, dead or alive ♪
1351
00:57:27,611 --> 00:57:30,871
♪ I can hear the hound dogs
on my trail ♪
1352
00:57:30,906 --> 00:57:34,576
♪ All hell breaks loose,
alarm and sirens wail ♪
1353
00:57:34,618 --> 00:57:37,578
♪ Like the game if you lose ♪
1354
00:57:37,621 --> 00:57:39,961
♪ Go to jail ♪
1355
00:57:41,625 --> 00:57:44,205
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
1356
00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:48,053
♪ Somewhere in the town ♪
1357
00:57:48,090 --> 00:57:51,760
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be a jailbreak ♪
1358
00:57:51,802 --> 00:57:54,352
♪ So don't you be around ♪
1359
00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:58,138
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
1360
00:57:58,184 --> 00:58:00,694
♪ I'm gonna find myself in ♪
1361
00:58:00,728 --> 00:58:04,568
♪ Tonight there's gonna
be trouble ♪
1362
00:58:04,607 --> 00:58:07,607
♪ So, woman,
stay with a friend. ♪
101731
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