Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

Phew! Hi, everybody!

ALEX: Hi. Hello, Elaine.

I have no time to talk today.

Hey, hey, hey, what's the big rush?

Oh, I've got an opening at the art gallery.

And my last fare wouldn't get out of the cab.

He kept flirting with me.

You know, uh, telling me about his Porsche,

his stock investments, his plans to scale Mount Everest.

Every trick in the book.

Well, why didn't you just throw him out of the cab?

And let him get away?

Well, you didn't make a date with this guy, did you?

No, not a date.

Just dinner tomorrow night.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make myself exquisite.

(as Vic): Hey, working class.

Well, if it isn't... Mr. Personalities.

What is new?

Oh.

Great question.

I'm thinking about taking up jogging.

Hey, the granola man is into physical culture.

Forget jogging, my friend.

I've got one word for you

that's gonna make your body say merci beaucoup.

Jazzercise.

Jazzercise.

That's right.

Of course.

Tell me about this jazzercise.

Well, it's...

It's exercise to music at a health club.

In its purest form,

it's just you and 25 ladies

stretching,

twisting and sweating.

Uh...

how does a fella,

uh, get into this, uh, jazzercise?

(clears throat)

Well, I'll tell you, my friend.

You need three things.

First, you need the desire,

and you've got that. Uh-huh.

Then you need a sweat suit, and you can get that.

And then you need a friend

who's not gonna be embarrassed to take you with him.

Good luck.

(laughing) No.

I'm only kidding, Jimbo.

Hey, listen, every man needs a cause, and you're mine.

How about tomorrow at 8:00?

(clicks tongue)

I see a vision.

Oh, thanks.

She walks in beauty like the night.

Of cloudless climes and starry skies.

Of all that's best and dark and light

meets in her aspect and her eyes.

Thanks.

Hey, Jim, that is really nice.

Where's that from?

Oh, some punk spray-painted it on my van.

ALEX: Elaine?

Uh... Something bothering you?

Yeah, um,

there's this small hole above the sink in the bathroom,

you know, just, like, large enough

to poke my finger through?

ALEX: Yeah.

And I know this sounds crazy, but...

I thought I saw an eye behind it looking at me.

Nah. Come on.

It's probably your imagination... or a rat.

Where is Louie?

Now, now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I mean, Louie's a creep,

but I don't think he'd sink that low.

¶ A pretty girl

¶ Is like a melody...

Ooh, I am gonna pluck his eyes out.

No, no, no, Elaine, Elaine, Elaine,

you cannot pluck his eyes out yet.

Without proof, it's just his word against yours.

You want proof?

I'll give you proof.

You know, maybe I'm overdressed.

I think I'll

change back into what I had on before.

(humming)

TONY: That's it!

That's it! I'm going in there and breaking his jaw.

Tony, now, look now, look now,

violence may be your way of handling this,

but I think Elaine has a plan of her own.

Come on, let's just let her handle...

(screaming loudly)

You were watching me undress

through that peephole, weren't you?

No, no, no, no, no!

It was your eye I poked! No!

No. How could you accuse me of such a thing?

It's absolutely untrue.

ELAINE: Oh, yeah?

So then, why are your eyes tearing?

Be... Be... Because I'm hurt.

I'm hurt that you would even think

that I could do such an awful thing.

So, how come only one eye is tearing?

Well, it's not the end of the world.

If you... If you...

I'll forget the whole incident.

Louie, I hate you!

I hate you more now than I ever hated you before,

and that's saying something!

I'm an innocent man falsely accused.

Innocent, huh?

The gall of this man!

What gall? I'm innocent.

We saw you go in.

We know there's a peephole there.

We saw you come out,

and your eye is tearing because Elaine poked it.

I'm innocent as a lamb.

I... You just...

I... You...

Oh, forget it.

Forget it.

And that goes double for me, Louie.

You know, there aren't too many do's and don'ts

when it comes to women,

but in Vic's book, file this under "W" for whoa!

JIM: Boss,

nobody could want to believe you more

than I want to believe you.

I've had four heroes in my life.

Saint Thomas Aquinas,

Mahatma Gandhi,

Alan Alda and you.

Just look me in the eyes

and tell me straight that you didn't do it.

I can't look you in the eye, Iggy,

because Nardo just stuck a finger in this one.

But I didn't do it.

That's good enough for me.

And three, four, five, six.

Hips, hips, hips, hips.

Four, three, two, one.

Rotate, rotate, rotate, rotate.

Buns, buns, buns, buns.

Buns, buns.

There's one word I never want to hear

as long as I live-- jazzercise.

Oh, come on, man,

get into it.

Hips, hips, hips, hips.

Hey, Vic...

Come on now, one, two...

I'm not a violent man by nature.

Hey, all right. (mumbles)

I'm sorry, sorry.

Guys... this is Andrea Stewart

from the National Organization for Women.

TONY: Oh, hi.

She's here to settle up the score for me with Louie.

Hello there. Hi.

Maybe, Elaine.

Look, you know I'm on your side,

but that's why I just feel it's important to meet Mr. De Palma

and hear his side of the story before we get...

Hey, who's the toots?

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie!

Hey, I saw her first, Reiger.

What's your name, sweetcakes?

May I do this?

Uh, Louie De Palma,

I am pleased to introduce you to Andrea Stewart.

She's the regional director

for the National Organization for Women.

So?

They're here to take action against you

for what you did to Elaine.

Fair enough.

Might I suggest a spanking?

I've heard enough.

Louie, Louie, Louie.

You really...

You really did it this time.

The boss is gonna come down hard on you for this one.

What? Ratledge will laugh those dames

right out of his office.

I've been a loyal employee

of this company for 15 years.

It's my word against hers.

Against ours.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Hey, Ton, how would you like cab 7-41?

You mean the brand new one that came in yesterday?

I can't think of a nicer guy

or a better cabbie to break her in.

Happy motoring, paisan.

Gee, thanks, Louie. Yeah?

I really appreciate this.

Thanks a lot. Yeah?

You know, I'm still gonna have to, uh, testify against you.

Give me that!

You got 4-13, the widow maker.

Oh.

Wha...?

What's going on up there?

Why are they saying such things?

Iggy, come here.

You heard what's going on?

What'd they say? What'd they say?

All I got was bits and pieces, boss.

Yeah?

Let me think.

Uh... Uh, women's rights.

Yeah.

Uh, not an easy job.

Uh... 15 years loyal service.

Aha! Hmm.

Lawsuit.

Uh, serious charge.

Um... have a coffee?

What else? What else?

Think! Think! Think!

Uh, Sweet 'N Low.

I should be talking to the banana.

Like... give me a chance.

There was something else.

I'll search my mind for it, boss.

Yeah.

Bring bloodhounds.

(Elaine clears her throat)

Well, well, well, that was fast. What happened?

I decided not to sue.

I've agreed to accept his out-of-court settlement.

(laughs)

I knew it!

The old fire dragon put you in your place.

You lost the battle, huh?

No, you lost your job.

(groans)

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So...

good-bye, cockroach.

Good-bye, mouse.

Good-bye, Jeff.

Good-bye, Louie.

We can't let him go

without giving him a good-bye, can we, Alex?

It's inexcusable what he did to Elaine.

The reign of terror is over.

So why do I feel sorry for that broken toilet of a man?

Uh, Lou?

What?

Good-bye, Lou.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you can keep your good-byes.

You guys had your chance.

You could have stuck up for me, but you didn't.

You never liked me, and I never liked you.

I'm going out there, and I'm going to claw,

backstab, lie,

cheat, walk all over people,

do whatever I have to, to get to the top

of this dung heap we call a life.

And when I get there, I'm going to spit on all you losers.

Oh, I miss him already.

(sobbing)

Thanks a lot, Mrs. Brewer.

I really appreciate that you're taking the kids tonight.

Yeah. (knock at door)

Oh, okay, well, um, I really can't talk to you now.

My date is here.

Okay, bye-bye. Thank you. (knock at door)

(knock at door)

Hi. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Louie!

Come on, come on, this is not going to help.

I'm not going to change my mind.

Please, Nardo.

Please, please. Louie, come on, get up.

No, no, no, no, this is something

I got to say to your feet.

Louie, come on.

I have a date due here any minute.

I want you out of here.

If you don't listen to me, I'll kill myself.

I swear I will-- I'll kill myself.

Oh, no, you won't-- you are not

the kind of person who takes his own life.

Come on, Nardo. Unfortunately.

Come on, Nardo.

Come on, you got to give me a break here. I mean, what...

what-what-what-what kind of... what do you got to lose here? (knock at door)

What's it going to cost you?

She'll be with you in two seconds.

Robert?

He didn't give his name.

Oh, get out of my way.

Hi.

(chuckling nervously)

Did I come at a bad time? No.

I'm so embarrassed.

Uh, why don't you come in?

Um...

why don't you sit down

and, uh, make yourself comfortable?

Oh, thank you.

They were lovely.

Sit down.

Uh, I'll just be a minute

until I get rid of this guy, okay?

Who is he? Uh, that's Louie.

You-you know, the one I told you about, from work.

I'm sorry, Nardo, I'm sorry! Okay, Louie, it's too late.

It can't be too late, Nardo.

It can't be. You don't understand.

Do you know where I'm going tomorrow?

I'm going to the unemployment line.

I'm going there with the derelicts,

the washouts, the scuzzos.

(hyperventilating)

That-that... you can't understand.

That job meant everything to me.

It was my life.

It was... (wheezes) it was everything.

Without it, I'm a nothing.

I'm a zero.

I'm... Louie, you should have thought

of that before you did what you did.

What's the matter with him?

It's a ploy-- he's faking.

Where's the head?

I don't want you in my bathroom.

Oh, yes, you do.

Oh, okay.

All right... no, no, no, no, Louie, Louie,

Louie, Louie, this... it-it's this way,

Come on.

(chuckling)

Robert, you have no idea how sorry I am about this.

Well, obviously not as sorry as he is.

Oh, I know what this must look like,

but it's not. What a pathetically sad little man.

(laughs) He's actually physically ill from being so upset.

You don't know who you're talking about.

That man is a filthy, lecherous monster

who does not deserve our sympathy.

I see.

I don't think so.

You think I'm the villain, don't you?

Elaine, I don't think there are any villains here.

Oh, yes, there are!

And right now, he's in the bathroom,

making himself sick, trying to elicit sympathy,

which he is not going to get.

I see.

Robert, you've got to understand.

I'm a warm, sensitive human being!

You've got to believe me!

I believe you, I believe you.

(groaning)

Are you okay?

(panting)

I'm a little weak, but, uh,

considering what I've just been through,

I'm not so bad.

Well, why don't you come over here and sit down?

(sighs)

You know, I'm-I'm sorry about the flowers.

Oh, no, no... don't-don't... They were lovely.

Don't... don't you worry.

Don't worry about that now.

Here, just sit down.

(panting)

Elaine, what is the worst thing that could happen

if you gave this man another chance?

He's got a good soul.

Louie, I've seen this act before.

It's not going to work this time.

Well, it's obvious the two of you have things to work out

and I'm in the way, so I'm going to go. Oh, no, no, no.

D-don't go, don't go. No, no, no.

If you go, she'll just take it out on me.

No, Robert, you don't really have to leave.

I-I-I think I-I better go now. I-I... N-no, no, no ,no.

I'll... I'll call you. No, no, no, no, Robert, Robert.

No, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, please don't.

Don't go, don't go.

You can't leave her like this.

I mean, it's not her fault!

That jerk.

Good riddance.

You're better off without him.

Do you have any idea how much I hate you right now?!

What are you talking about?

I tried to keep him here.

You heard me.

Hey, I'm the one he liked.

There is nothing more to say to you.

Just get out!

I can't open this door, Nardo.

Don't you understand?

I can't leave here without my job!

I can't, I can't!

I... can't.

You never quit, do you, Louie?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Louie, can I get you anything?

Well, if it's not too much trouble,

some weak tea and my job back.

Louie.

How can you see me suffer like this, Nardo?

I mean, don't you have a heart?

I keep telling you I'm sorry.

Why can't you forgive me?

Because you're not really sorry.

Because you don't even understand

what was wrong with what you did.

You mean...

if I understood what was wrong with what I did,

then you'd forgive me and give me my job back?

But you won't understand. But what if I did?

But you won't. What if I did?

What if I did? But you...

Yes... but you'll never understand.

I will!

I'll understand.

(sighs) It-it's wrong...

because...

(laughs)

It's... it's wrong because we're not supposed

to peek at girls without their clothes on.

(laughs)

And she...

she thought I wouldn't know why it was wrong!

(laughing)

Yeah.

I think Ratledge is home.

I'll get him for you.

No.

No?

No.

See, I'm not looking for any pat answers.

Wha-wha-wha-wha... But, you know, in a way, I-I'm-I'm hoping

that you really understand this, because I'd like to forgive you.

And I'd like to be forgiven.

What's holding us up?

Me?

(groans)

Object! Object!

I was treating you like an object.

I was treating you like a sexual object,

like somebody without a head or nothing.

Thank God I watched that Donahue show about broads.

I'll get Ratledge for you right now.

Louie, get out.

Get out of my apartment, get out

of my life!

But-but... God, God!

It's wrong because God doesn't like it.

No, no, no, no.

God likes it?

Well, help me.

Uh, meet me halfway.

Give me a hint. All right, I will.

Oh!

Louie, has there ever been a moment in your life

when your most basic, fundamental right

as a human being has been violated?

Your right to privacy?

I'm sorry I violated your right to privacy.

No, it's not just repeating what I just said!

I'm sorry I repeated what you just said.

Louie, think for a second.

I can't-- I'm too nervous.

Have you ever been violated?

Yes.

When?

What do you want, a story?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Uh...

Uh..

twice a year...

(mumbles indistinctly)

What?

Twice a year, I... I have to go get new clothes,

and, uh, I, uh...

the only way that I can...

the only way I can get anything to fit me is, uh...

I have to go to, uh, a men's store

and walk straight to the boys' department

and ask if...

they have anything in the husky sizes.

Huskies-- I hate them.

I, um...

I don't... I usually

will try to go when there's nobody there.

I... I go during school hours.

But no matter when I go,

the place is crawling with kids.

And, uh... I don't even look at what I'm getting.

I just go over to the rack, take it off,

my size, and I rush into the dressing booth.

The last time...

(sighs) one of the mothers said...

"You're lucky.

At least you won't outgrow it in six months."

Did you say anything to her?

I mooned her.

But the...

the worst moment...

is when you got to...

push open those doors...

and walk out into that room...

wearing your new corduroys,

making that noise.

(mimicking chafing sound)

And then, all the parents

tell their kids... not to stare.

Is that the way I made you feel when I peeked?

Kind of.

God, I'm sorry.

(chuckles softly)

(crying)

It's okay.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)