Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I'm on drugs, you see.

And we want Alan Williams to do it. You do?

Yes, yes.

And I love you!

I can't stop thinking about you.

Nice to... meet you. So long! Bye.

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.

What's going on? It's Michael's.

Bloody hell! I know, it's immense!

He's got French bread and chocolate muffins!

Hey! What you doing? Put it back. I don't want a muffin.

Oh, good God. Who's that?! No one. Tom, go home.

I can't move. Is he your boyfriend? No!

Emma never came home last night.

Yeah, well, she met up with an old friend or something.

Yeah, right! Slapper.

Shut up, Ben! And put that bloody muffin back.

You can't just take things that aren't yours.

Hi, Ems, it's me. Great night, wasn't it?

Hey, listen, give me a call, let me know you're all right. Ta-ra!

Ben! Why do you always take all the milk? You're so selfish!

Muffin!

Shut up, Tom!

Do as I say, not as I do. Right?

Perfect shoes for the walk of shame, these.

I'm sorry I can't give you a lift, but.. Don't be daft.

I've booked a taxi from the end of the road.

Emma, you'll be all right today. Just act normal, OK?

OK.

Thanks for looking after me. Oh, don't come so close, you're minging.

All right? Yeah.

Me and him made quite a night of it last night, didn't we, presh? Yeah.

Certainly looked that way.

Have you heard of Rylan?

Who?

Goodbye. Yeah, see you later. Maybe.

What? Oh, I'm not judging.

My cousin's seeing someone 20 years younger.

And he's doing her the world of good. Sorry?

Your, er, your boyfriend.

Don't be ridiculous, it's just Tom Myers.

Oh, by the way, your food shop's been and gone.

What? They said half-past! Don't worry, he left it all at mine.

Well, come and get it then! I haven't got all day!

And are you aware of the dress code for tomorrow night?

Black tie, Aunty Tanisha told me. Good.

Well, we're off to deliver these, aren't we, Abhra?

And when I get back, I'm going to teach you all about Loss Leaders.

Is it a game? Like Candy Crush?

No. It's a technique for attracting passing trade. Fascinating area.

Great. I can't wait!

Let's go, Abhra!

Ry. Get yourself over here now, you big old spicy crab!

Exfoliator? Thank you.

So how come they bag it up for you?

I said not to. You know, environment, plastic bags.

So... do you want to borrow some of mine then? Erm, please.

Thanks. Oh, this is yours too.

It's half empty. Yeah, I borrowed a drop to put in my tea. You don't mind, do you.

It's not that. It's just... And Ben had a bit of an accident with one of your muffins.

What, did it ACCIDENTLY fall into his mouth?

Yeah, I told him not to, but you know what kids are like.

So essentially, you've been pilfering my groceries? You what? No, it's fine...

I'll pay you back, give me the receipts! I said it's fine.

I'm sorry, Michael, but I will not be besmirched in my own home.

I was not besmirching.

Yes, you were basically accusing me of theft

when all I did was take the tiniest bit of milk...

Half a pint! If that's not besmirching then I don't know what is.

Objection, your honour. Overruled.

I am more than willing to refund your costs but I put it to you

that in comparison with the redelivery charge you'd incur,

not to mention use of MY bags, half a pint of milk... Don't forget the chocolate muffin.

Plus the best part of a chocolate muffin is an absolute bargain!

Do you rest your case? Yes, I rest my case.

Is that my bacon? Yes, it's your bacon. Thank you.

You can keep the milk. Can't stop! I'm late!

Woah, hold your horses, young lady!

You've got enough time to tell me where you stayed last night.

Mum, I'm 19. And I'm nosey.

Amy's, all right? I stayed at Amy's.

Well, that's funny, because she come home on the bus, with us.

Not Amy Edwards. Amy Parker, from college.

God, Mum, you're unbelievable.

Ready for me? Ah, Jack. Jack, Abs.

Good as gold he was for me last night,

but then I think he finds me very calming!

I come bearing tickets, my friends.

Cheers, Jack. What's the damage? Oh great! What do I owe you?

You never said you was going tomorrow night?

Since when are you my social secretary?

There's nothing social about it, Dai! It's a business event!

Actually, it's a charity dinner. It's so much more than a charity dinner, Jagadeesh Chaudhary.

Is it?

It's an opportunity for the entire Pontyberry trade fraternity

to gather together in one place,

which is why I want YOU on my table.

We've got a lot in common, you and me.

What with you being a small businessperson of high standing.

I look forward to it, Aunty Brenda.

And I plan to bring my neice... broaden her horizons.

She looks like she do enjoy a bit of broadening, that one.

I'm a small businessperson of high standing.

Why can't I sit at the table?

Right, I've sorted them wipers out. Ah, Alan!

I have two spare tickets available for tomorrow.

Gala dinner, Al! Charity thing, I'm going!

Can I persuade you take them off my hand?

You'd would need to bring somebody, of course.

I've got a bone to pick with you. What?

Sneaking away early last night, you missed all the fun.

Mrs Wong copped off with Rylan's bodyguard! Did she?

Stock room tonight please, Emma. That place is a tip. OK.

You took your time. Yeah, I knows it. Sorry, beaut.

Well, you'll just have to be punished.

Go on, straight to the naughty corner.

Oh, man! I loves the naughty corner!

OK, Mrs Wong, by her, has agreed to help us with catheter insertion.

A delicate procedure that requires accuracy, confidence and ambition.

Always inform the patient of what you are up to.

If there is even a hint of surprise in a procedure like this,

you set yourself up for a whole world of pain.

You'll cause clenching, shouting, leaking. You name it.

And that's just you, never mind the patients.

OK, people, what I did there was I made a jOKe.

And it put everyone at their ease.

Remember that humour and tube insertion always go hand in hand.

Now, let's get this show on the road.

Stella.

As predicted, you look rancid.

And your responses are slow.

Even Mrs Wong, by her, looks more alive than you do.

Go out on a weeknight again and I'll be forced to give you a fixed penalty point.

Kerplum?

Now, start inserting.

Might I have a quick word? Might I say no?

It's about the dinner. Now obviously, it's a big thing my going with Andy this year.

First time, and not you. It's not like people don't know we're divorced.

I thought you could take Katy, as your plus one. Sorry?

So you don't have to go on your own.

I'm not going on my own. I've got a date.

Well, good for you. Yeah. Who is she?

Pardon? Your date, who are you taking?

Does it matter who I'm taking? What difference does it make?

All I'm asking is who you're taking.

Doesn't she exist? Stella, OK? I'm taking Stella.

That little fat woman from next door?

Yes, all right? Now can I get on?

Huh!

Why are you here? There's no hospital shuttle Thursdays. I know.

It's about our, erm...

..date.

Well, go on then.

Don't mind Shirley! I tell you everything, don't I?

OK, erm, I'm worried it might be a little bit over the top for a first date, but erm...

how do you fancy going to this?

Blimey!

It's too much, I always get it wrong.

Why, how many dates do you go on? What?

What do you think Shirley? Will I enjoy it?

Bit of dinner, a bit of dancing.

And a raffle! And a raffle? How can I resist?

Brilliant! Well, I'll see you there then.

Yeah. You will.

Ah! Hi! Glad I caught you.

What do you want? I just want to apologise.

I think we got our wires crossed earlier, with the shopping.

I was only larking about. So I'm sorry if I offended you.

It was nothing, I had a hangover so...

Look, I got to get on. Mind if I join you?

I'm just taking him around the block for a wee. Ah, lovely!

I've been stuck in the office all day, so...

This is nice, the reservoirs of Pontybury. Pontyberry. Pontyberry.

I like your coat. All right, what are you after?

Michael cockin' Jackson! Hello bastard be.

Just the man I'm looking for.

Sorry, do I know you? Eh, crackin' cockin' night last night, weren't it, Stell?

Yeah, superb. What it is - my husband's mother have gone demented.

So we've stuck her in a home.

Now, is he entitled to move into her house?

Or do we have to share it with his bastard sister?

Even though he's not seen hare nor hound of their mother for the past 40 cockin' years.

Sorry, I don't erm... Go to Citizens' Advice. OK?

Well, thanks for that, chief! Call yourself a solicitor?

I've had better legal advice off that bastard dog!

Oh, what now?

Anyway, the thing is, I just wondered if you wanted to come to a ball with me?

A ball? Well not a ball ball. Just a charity dinner dance really.

We do it every year. It's a lot of fun.

Nah, not really my cup of tea, to be honest. There's a raffle!

Raffles are one big scam.

Donna Mackan, who by the way, is on the PTA,

wins a dinner for two at Bocci's every year. EVERY year. Please come.

Sorry? Please come as a favour to me... because...

Because what?

Because I've already told my ex-wife that you're coming. I panicked.

Oh, charming. So it's not like you enjoy my company

or you find me attractive, or anything like that.

Attractive, well, I hadn't thought about that... Of course I'll come!

Really? Oh, thank God. But you'll have to pay, I'm skint.

Totally, of course!

Welcome home! Where's Jack?

We just dropped him at my Mam's.

We went them to tell her our big news, like.

What big news? I hear congratulations are in order.

How did you know? Luke, what's going on?

I asked Zoe... They're getting married, Stell!

And not a moment too soon.

At last, a bit of joy in his tragic mess of a life.

Shut up!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hey, easy!

Ah! Finished!

Never underestimate the power of a to-do list.

I try really hard not to, Uncle.

For months I've been meaning to do all these things.

The day I make a list, they all get done.

Replace the front mat. Check.

Clean out the penny chew buckets. Check.

Oil the door. Check

Fix the blindspot on the CCTV.

Oh, so you did this when?

First thing this morning, why do you ask?

No reason, other than a strong desire to learn.

Excellent. Excellent.

And I've seen your nuts!

Big bloody jar of them stuffed behind the tea urn!

Don't think it's gone unnoticed.

You, nibbling away all day like Tufty the sodding squirrel.

Yeah? Well, how am I supposed to last till teatime on what SHE tells us to eat?

I'm a grown man, them's starvation portions.

Right then, you lot! To quote Will.I.Am,

everybody in the club, all eyes on us.

Well, all eyes on me really, but...

Sorry, Nadine, not everyone's here yet.

Dieting waits for no woman, Alan.

You just ask Kirstie Alley.

Oh, it's you.

Charming! I thought it might be Celia.

I've asked her to that Gala thing tomorrow night.

Oooh, I'm going that! Who with?

Fella next door.

No, it's not like that! I'm just doing him a favour, that's all.

OK!

So! It hasn't escaped my notice

that some of you are on a night out tomorrow night.

I can't say I approve. You're going!

Yes, but I'm not locked in combat

with a high dependency on carbohydrates, am I, Aunty Brenda?

In my opinion, a night out, or a date...

I'm not going on a date! He's the one going on a date!

..is tantamount to a nutritional car crash - to be avoided at all costs.

To be honest, If I was in your shape

I'd be taking the Mariah Carey approach

and living in a cupboard for a month.

I'll have to get it, it's my Mum.

All right?

Where are you, now? Why?

Because I haven't seen you all day and loads has happened!

Him next door has asked me to that Gala dinner thing, so you'll have to do my hair.

Right.

But... the big news...

is that Luke and Zoe are getting married!

Right.

Did you hear what I just said?

What? Yeah, that's brilliant.

I know! Isn't it?

Emma, are you all right?

Yeah, sorry. Look, Mum, I'll call you in a bit.

I'm in the middle of something at the mo.

Parvadi?

Parvadi? Argh! Shit!

Sorry, Uncle. You just gave me a bit of a shock.

What is this? Oh, it was just a bit quiet

and I thought I'd use the time to learn about the CCTV,

in case it ever failed.

Excellent, I admire your enthusiasm.

Thanks. So let's have a look then.

What? No! I've got some things... It's quite straightforward, you put the disc in and press replay...

..to do that you wanted me to do that I haven't done yet, so...

This is quite a bad situation, isn't it?

Cockers? Keckers.

You have had intimate relations in my shop with... Cockers?

Keckers, Uncle! If it's any consolation,

I only let him go to outside top deck.

You have betrayed my trust. But, Uncle... I am ashamed of you.

Does this mean I can't go to the ball now?

Only I've got my outfit sorted and everything...

Ooh. Oh! A nice cup of tea... some sugar...

Oh, don't mind me! We were just going over the last few details for tonight.

What time do you want me there for the welcome address? Er, Jan?

Erm... Look, we thought Andy might do it this year, just for a change.

Fine, whatever.

You know what you could be in charge of? The raffle. Do the raffle.

So that's all I'm good for now, is it? You're all self-pitying...

The raffle is a very important... Fine! OK, I'll do the poxy raffle!

You happy now?

The thing is, Al, you've just got to be yourself for this Celia.

You might be dressed up like George Clooney

but she's going out with you for who you are,

not because you're some unobtainable film star.

So what you're saying is I'm average looking and very available.

You're not average-looking, you're very handsome.

And very lovely. She's a lucky girl.

Thanks, Stell, just been a long time since I did all this, you know?

Right. Here goes.

I feel a bit of a twat, to be honest.

Well, you don't look a bit of a twat.

No, we'll do, won't we?

Is it all right if my mum comes in today to get her hair done?

I don't mind doing her, like. Only she's got some do on this evening.

Gala dinner thing. Oh, the charity night up at the Manor house? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I'm going to that. Are you?

Yeah, a lot of local business people go.

Just let me know, I'll see you tonight.

Hi, you all right? If you want... to come through.

Emma, slow down, you're going way too fast. Am I?

Yeah, it's got to be the balls of the fingers.

Not the actual fingertips. Right.

Here. Grasp firmly.

And... start at the nape of the neck...

..and move up to behind the ears...

You got that? Uh-huh.

Yeah, certainly got that.

I'm just going to get some more conditioner, Mrs Peel.

Oh, my God! What are you like? It's your fault.

Oh, don't go tonight. Let me stay over again.

Ems, I have to go. But I'm desperate!

How desperate? Really fucking desperate!

Emma! Yeah?

Your mam's here. OK.

She brought Alan with her, he wants doing, an' all. You can fit him in, can't you?

He got no hair! What am I supposed to do with him?

Just buff him up and make him all shiny?

Hi, Michael Jackson. I've got an appointment.

Oh, yeah, you're with Lauren.

Coo-ee!

Oh, hello, there! Here's my date for this evening!

Well, it's not actually a date. Aww, look at him going all red now.

He's one of the organizers, he is,

he can't very well turn up without a beautiful woman on his arm.

And I'm very grateful!

Hey, Michael, I was thinking, I quite fancy going tonight.

Do you? Don't suppose there's any tickets left, are there?

I can probably get you one. Oh, wicked!

You're finishing with me? Yeah.

But I thought we had a thing, you know?

You and me, against the world, playing in the naughty corner.

I know, and we shared some happy times over those 72 hours and I'll never forget you,

but my Uncle's really pissed off.

He used the 'shame' word and that's, well...

The thing is I can't risk annoying him any more

because then he'll send me back home.

And as much as I find it boring staying here,

it's even more boring back there.

It's feckin' feck.

And also I really want to go to this ball thing,

so it's hasta la vista, baby.

Actually, do you think you could snog my face off one last time?

Just to top me up, like.

This Gala dinner..

..what do you think? Black tie or blazer?

I'm not really sure to be honest, Dai.

I'm much happier in my blazer.

It's always better to be comfortable.

Or would I be comfortable if I get there and find I'm underdressed?

That is the question.

I'm going to try the blazer again.

Oh, Luke!

When did you get out?

Not long. Miss me?

Tsk!

I don't want no trouble, that's why I'm here. I want to make peace.

Bollocks. I'm serious. Don't get me wrong,

I'm not asking to be your mate.

I just want things to be OK, for Jack,

he's part of both our lives now and I want to be part of his.

So?

He's turning into a great boy, is Jack. I know.

And he's grown so much since I last saw him.

You should have seen his face when I gave him his teddy.

Teddy?

Yeah, didn't he show it to you yet?

Course.

Nice one! All right.

See you about then, Lukey.

What do you think?

Blimey, Em! You do realise the average age tonight is 52, don't you?

You'll be giving them all cardiac arrest. Oh, shut up!

You look beautiful.

Abhra's just playing in his cot, he'll settle down in a minute.

Thanks for having him again tonight. Absolutely no problem.

Didn't give her much choice, did you?

You never do because you only think about yourself. Thanks a lot!

Luke, what's the matter, presh?

I'll be back in a bit. What about dinner?

Sorry, the door was open. No, it's fine.

OK, we ready? Yep!

You both look very nice, by the way.

You don't scrub up so bad yourself, Michael Jackson.

Thanks.

Right! Let's go Gala.

Black tie refers to the men, not the women.

Is this not right? Dang! I so wanted to get it right!

For God's sake! Look, Uncle, I know you're still cross with me

and I'm really sorry about the Keckers thing...

Cockers. Cockers - but I've finished with him now.

He is history! Gone! Skidaddled! Kaput!

I really want to concentrate on my work because I LOVE retail.

Do you? Yes.

Hm.

Please don't send me back home, I couldn't bear it.

All right. Hiya.

Glad to see you two have sorted out your differences.

I'm going to go on ahead, I've got to check something. Oh, OK.

Parvadi was just telling me how committed she is to her career.

Which has made me very happy.

I still have so much left to teach her.

Shall we? Yes!

All right? Yeah.

Oh, here you are! How lovely.

Hiya! Stella, you look great. Ah, thank you.

Hired this, I did, from Frocks 4 U, it was so cheap!

You'd never know. You look lovely, too.

Doesn't she though, hm? We almost didn't make it here at all.

You must be Andy. Sorry, yes... Stella!

Well we are all sitting on the same table, which is fun.

Fantastic, can't wait.

Thank you. You did brilliantly.

Ah, Lukey! What you drinking mate?

Just so you know, this reformed character act don't wash with me...

Something's obviously upsetting you, why don't we get a pint...

It don't fool me and get this, all right?

Zoe don't want you. She never did.

I asked her to marry me the other night and she said yes.

I ain't afraid of you, Len. So be my guest, do you worst,

because if you come anywhere near my family... Sorry, whose family?!

Don't threaten me here, Luke. There's a lot of witnesses here.

The thing is, you lay one finger on me,

I'll have my brief get you done for GBH.

And then who'll look after Zoe when you're inside, hmm?

Same again, please.

She'll be here now, man. You watch.

I thought she'd come to her senses. Can't say I blame the woman.

Best to just give it up as a bad job

and make the most of that complimentary Prosecco.

Get me a flute, will you? I'll wait here. Actually, get two. Two.

Well, what a coincidence. Isn't it?

You look incredible, I'm not going to be able to keep my hands off you.

So don't.

Ladies and gentleman, tonight's charity dinner

courtesy of Jackson, Marsh and Jackson is about to commence.

Please take your seats.

Sorry I'm late.

You came! You invited me.

I've been so looking forward to it. Me too.

There you are, I've been texting.

Your phone been off or what?

No. What's wrong?

OK, so this marriage, you and me.

It's only going to work

if we're both completely honest with each other.

I know.

So go on then, what have you done?

Who gave this to Jack?

I wanted to tell you, honest I did,

but then we went away, and you proposed, and...

..I didn't want to spoil it all.

No secrets, Zo.

If Lenny thinks we keep things from each other,

he'll use it and he'll come between us.

Oh! That trifle was fantastic.

Gosh, you were hungry, weren't you?

I've been looking forward to that all day.

Who chose the menu?

Andy. He's been very clever, haven't you, darling?

I couldn't have done any of it without you, boo.

Oh, for God's sake!

So Marcus, how's business for you?

Do you still think of yourself as incomer to Pontybury?

Pontyberry.

Well, no, we've been here a few years now.

Still got your accent though, haven't started saying "boyo" yet!

No, and my wife's Irish, so... Are you?! But you sound so Welsh?

She's not my wife. We just know each to other from work, like.

Yeah, Emma's my daughter, isn't she?

'Waffer' thin mint, anyone?

Ah, no, better not. Meant to be on a diet.

What for? Honestly, I think you reach a certain age,

you may as well just accept your body and eat what you like.

Anyway, I was saying to Andy, you've got such a pretty face.

You could be one of those plus-size models!

Thanks, Jan!

Right, time for me to do my thang!

Oi! Make that a spritzer and you'll half your pints.

Look, what I was saying was this.

The small businesses of Pontyberry need to stick together.

Lidl's are shit dead.

That's rich coming from you Mrs Johnny-Come-Lately,

with your two-bit no good bus firm

making out you know everything about how a business is run.

That's right, you tell her! Well said, Dai.

Please let's keep things civil.

Your two-bit buses, Dai Davies! And if it weren't for me

they'd still be sitting on your forecourt gathering dust.

Brenda's Buses have put Brenda's Buses on the map!

And don't you forget it, good boy.

Ladies and gentleman, if I could just have your attention.

Don't worry, I'll be brief, because I am one.

Jan and I... And Michael... And Michael...

In fact, all of us at Jackson, Marsh and Jackson

would like to thank you for coming here tonight.

I think you'll all agree that that meal was second-to-none,

top notch and fandabbydozy!

And it doesn't stop there.

Oh, no. We got loads more coming right at ya.

We got dancing, karaoke, raffle...

Bollocks, I forgot the raffle.

You didn't? Oh, for God's sake, you idiot.

I'm sorry, OK?

Oops! Sorry, everyone. No raffle.

Our bad, what can I say? Someone forgot to arrange it.

Oh, what a pity. Well, that is a shame.

He's winding you up! Sorry?

Yeah, it's true, Michael hasn't done a raffle, but that's because..

he's done... an auction of promises instead.

Haven't you?

Yes, that's right.

Be back in a minute.

Well, like I say, thanks for coming and, er, have a great night.

Sorry, I've got to take this.

Is that all you donated?!

Two chamois leathers and a free car wash!

What do you expect me to do? Give away a bloody car?

They're all death traps anyway.

Damn sight safer than one of your day trips!

How many passengers you lost now?

Where are you going?

Just to stretch my legs, if that's all right with you.

Right! What've you got for me?

Six months membership to Blubber Busters, Stell.

And Christ knows there's a lot of people here who need it.

Wow, well, thanks everyone!

Don't get your hopes up. Some of them prizes are right whatsanames!

Especically Dai Davies' is! Oh, put a sock in it!

Changed my mind? You're the who's changing mind...

Collette, why you being like this?

We agreed that's how we'd do it.

Sorry about them lot, they don't get out very often.

Don't apologise.

Tonight's not quite what I hoped it would be, to be honest.

Well, wait until the karaoke kicks in. That gets everyone going.

Come on.

Don't hang up, don't hang up!

Collette?

Shall we get some fresh air?

Excuse us, hello? Hey!

Ladies and gentleman, I would like to introduce you

to my lovely assistant - Mr Michael Jackson!

Not the real one, sorry folks!

Can you moonwalk? No, no, sorry.

How can you be called Michael Jackson and not be able to moonwalk?

Go on, give it a go! No!

MOONWALK! MOONWALK!

Now you've humiliated me in front of everyone,

shall we get on with the auction? Yes, why not?

And so our first lot is...

I hate the way Collette bosses you around all the time.

If I was married to you, I'd be lovely to you all the time.

It's not Collette's fault.

She's tried really hard

but I don't think she ever got over what happened.

Your affair? It wasn't even an affair, just some stupid fling.

So is that what I am? Just some stupid fling?

?55, going once, going twice...

Our last item of the night, sold for ?55!

Two tickets on Brenda's Buses

for a magical, mystery tour to Port Talbot!

Whey! Thanks very much! Thanks everyone! Next up, karaoke!

And here they are! Ant and Dec.

Ah, wasn't that brilliant? Fantastic.

As long as everyone pays up. Of course they will, why wouldn't they?

Andy, brandy? Yeah.

Andy, brandy?!

I'll say one thing for your ex-wife, she's got very poor taste in men.

That doesn't make sense, actually. She married me.

Oh, yeah.

Now I've had the time of my life Woo!

I've never felt this way before

And I swear, it's the truth... Mum!

I'm going to head off now.

Why, it's only early? Yeah, but I'm knackered.

Marcus has offered to give me a lift home. Have you?

Thanks for a brilliant night. Pleasure.

Ta-ra!

So, in for a penny, how do you feel about dancing?

Why not?

I've been waiting for so long, but I've finally found someone...

See, I'm nothing but a big, fat, fraud really, Daddy.

Right, should we make a move?

Right, OK, erm...

I'll call us a cab and get them to drop you off first.

You could do that...

..or you could just get them to take us both back to yours.

What?

You said you had the place to yourself tonight.

Oh, I do, I do.

Well, go on then!

You can do this.

I'll be over at ten, I told you time and again that you're late

I wait around and then...

Can't do this.

What is it about the Welsh?

I mean, how can they all sing so well? Is it something in your diet?

Well, apparently, it's to do with our jaw.

What? Yeah, the jaw. Look.

Right.

Thank you for tonight. Really.

It's a pleasure.

Best fake date I've had in a long time. Me too.

So good, I forget it was fake.

Yeah.

Can I walk you home?

Only if it's not out of your way.

I'm a good guy, I can take a detour.

Emma, this is insane. I mean, where did it come from?

I was happily minding my own...

But you weren't happy though, were you?

..getting on with my life, and then you...

I feel like... I'm running down this really steep hill,

really fast.

And I know I'm going to fall over any minute

and really fucking hurt myself.

But it feels out of this world at the moment,

and I can't stop what I'm doing. I don't want to stop.

Me neither.

I love you, Marcus.

I love you.

We are actually doing this, aren't we?

We actually are.

Keep it down though, these walls are paper-thin,

we don't want our neighbours to hear.

Oh, you're all right.

I happen to know she's not in.

Just because you've chosen to shack up with a bit of Valley's rough

doesn't mean Katy has to be dragged into the gutter with you.

Now you're talking demented.

We are teenagers, Ben. It's our job to be demented.

As of today, I am putting an embargo on sex. What?

This is a hostage situation.

Not Steve Wright on a Sunday.

Stay where you are, son.

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