Original subtitles

What?

Well, you may be a small comfort to the lonely housewife,

but can you run the shop?

HE SCOFFS

You're asking me, with Arkwright blood in these veins?

TILL CHIMES

Yes, all right!

I'll be tough. I'll be as tight as you.

It takes years, that.

You'll collapse at the first weeping widow.

I won't give money back. I'll swear the Arkwright oath.

You'll be here alone tomorrow all day.

You'll be on phone every two minutes. It won't feel like alone.

You'll have to cope with people who think it's their money.

Relax, take a few hours off.

Enjoy yourself at Scarborough.

Enjoy myself?

This isn't on a fun trip! This is business, this.

I'm going to have to go to an auction and buy stock

and bring it back and that in the van.

I suppose it's just a coincidence

that Mavis happens to be at Scarborough.

With Madge.

I doubt if I shall even see Mavis.

And even if I do,

I don't suppose we'll have time for more than a quick bite.

Meaning sandwich.

HE SINGS AND WHISTLES

What are you grinning at?

Just practising my customer-friendly smiles.

Ah.

Well, I hope you're not going to be too friendly.

That encourages the reckless to ask for credit.

Stop worrying.

I shall protect your interests.

Under pressure, I can be almost as mean as you are.

How near is almost?

Because a wily customer can slip through a hole like that.

What's all this "under new management", then?

HE WHISTLES

Time we had some new management.

Someone who can make shopping less of an adventure.

You would miss the challenge.

Who else will keep you up to the peak of spending fitness, eh?

Weren't you even going to say goodbye?

We'll miss having your hand in our pocket.

I'm only going to Scarborough for the day on business.

- That's all. - So who's the new management, then?

Ta-da!

That opens up a few possibilities.

No, it doesn't. House rules remain the same.

Can you rely on him?

Don't you start. He's worried enough.

Hey, he has every right to be.

You don't look nasty enough.

I am! Honestly.

Pay no attention. Nothing is going to happen.

Leroy is here, the rock beyond which no problem shall pass.

Doesn't he tend to waste his substance on girls?

Not during business hours.

Will you be back before he has to get married?

His body might be in the shop, but where will his mind be?

Well, that's it, I'm not going.

- No, I'm not! - You are going!

I'll be fine. They're just winding you up.

Trust me.

I am the rock.

Oh!

Mm-hm!

Has this thing got an alarm?

It's me that's alarmed.

Now, if anything attractive comes into the shop,

try not to give it a discount, will you?

Now, this van is going to be full of stock,

so I have asked for it to have a loud alarm.

ALARM BLARES

ALARM STOPS

Yes, well, you got your loud alarm.

That Leroy has some very irritating habits.

Seems to do all right with the local totty.

That's the one I'm talking about.

You're right, people covered in attractive females

is not something you want to see.

Except in the mirror.

I wanted to be a ladies' man.

But then my uncle Willie left me a socket set.

We all know what he can handle.

Do you think Leroy could handle an emergency?

It's about time something challenging came his way,

tested him professionally.

Taught him to feel a little bit of pain.

Don't hurt him.

He's always nice to my dog.

We're not going to hurt him, just maybe stretch him a bit.

Excellent training. He'll thank us afterwards.

Oh, aye. Come on.

Away? All day?

That's not like Granville.

That is unusual behaviour.

That is punching my nasty thoughts button.

I have to ask, have you got a nice thoughts button?

It didn't survive my first marriage.

Yes, that can do it.

Of course, it's none of my business,

but does anybody know where Granville claims to be going?

To an auction at Scarborough.

He's hired a van. It's only done 2,000 miles.

It took him a day and a half to get the price down.

Where do you come up with all this stuff?

Don't ask, just be thankful she's got nothing on us.

I wouldn't go as far as nothing.

Didn't someone say that Mavis was at Scarborough?

With Madge. For a short break. Visiting her friend Rose.

Do you think that's where he's heading?

Of course it is.

He's male, he's human, he's fallible,

and probably stinking of aftershave.

I hate to think of him going astray when there are opportunities

much closer to home.

And, erm, where's Mr Newbold's place in this, er, plot of yours?

First reserve. I never go anywhere without a spare.

PHONE BEEPS

- Hello? - Leroy, it's me, senior management.

Now...

Hm?

Well, don't let her sneeze over the unwrapped produce.

Of course you can move her away.

Well, use your initiative, lad.

You take her firmly by the elbow and then...

Hm?

No, of course they can't touch you for elbows.

No.

Even on the internet, there's no group sharing

of pictures of elbows, are there?

Tell her I'm busy.

You can lie, I've seen you do it.

I don't like leaving you alone.

- I've noticed. - You're too trusting.

You talk to telephone salesmen.

You have to remember, they were once human beings.

So is Rose.

She'll think you're standoffish.

She knows you didn't like her new kitchen.

I told her it was lovely.

Yes, but you don't lie worth a bent washer.

Your face says it all.

Well, it's the only face I've got.

You could do something with it.

Not if I have to watch her holiday videos. Again.

It won't be again, will it?

They'll be new ones.

Anyway, they don't last forever.

That wasn't my impression.

Are you saying you've got no interest in foreign travel?

I can never get past the sight of Rose in a bikini.

So just look at the places of interest.

With Rose in a bikini, you can't do otherwise.

Ahem.

How are you today, Mrs Hussein?

Just wondering who you've got behind the counter.

I've got no-one behind the counter.

I'm just tidying up.

I only ask because there have been occasions

when you did have somebody behind the counter.

- Twice it were me. - You practically forced your way in.

- Twice? - You said that you wanted to know what we kept behind here.

Your face was so red I couldn't believe it were just a few tins.

It's the bending down that makes your face red.

That's a powerful image in the wrong hands.

PHONE RINGS

- QUIETLY: - You are never going to get to Scarborough

if you keep stopping to call me.

I'm fine, everything's fine!

No, I am not just saying that!

Oh... Yes, of course I would tell you if there was anything wrong.

Listen, I have to go, I've got a customer waiting.

No, just Mrs Hussein.

No, we are not behind the counter!

PHONE RINGS

What's wrong? Now, don't go hiding anything from me, just tell me.

It's me. I'm just calling to say I can do lunch.

- Lunch? - It's that thing that comes after breakfast.

Yes, I know what you mean.

Oh... Does that mean the three of us?

No. Madge has gone to a friend's.

It'll be just me and you.

That's if you'd like to have lunch.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, I can do lunch, yeah!

The only snag is the restaurant's full,

but we could have a sandwich in the room.

That's if you wouldn't mind having room service.

Yeah! Yeah...

It's gone. I've lost it, I've lost it. Yes, I can do lunch!

I've dropped my phone. I've dropped the phone!

I can do it! I can do lunch, I can do it!

INAUDIBLE

Be with you in a second.

Oh!

Oh!

This is new.

That'll teach him to ask for his money back.

- He came in like that. - He can't come in like that.

Looks like a case for the kiss of life.

- I'm not kissing him. - You kiss everything else.

See if he's breathing.

Don't just stand there, do something life-saving!

I think I can hear the death rattle.

Give over. He's probably just fainted.

What would you do to him to produce this effect?

I haven't done anything to him!

I told you, he came in like that.

What, and then dropped dead?

He's not dead. He's just...

..rattling.

I expect he took one look at your prices and wallop!

HE PANTS

PHONE RINGS

Oh.

Yes.

What's gone wrong?

A man has come in and he's fainted?

Has he paid?

Oh, he hasn't bought anything.

Right. Well, he won't do if you leave him lying there, will he?

Huh? Well, tell you what,

get him attended to and get him brought round.

Then you can sell him something.

Oh. Oh, right.

Oh, he's coming around now, is he?

All right, all right, now, be careful.

Be careful cos he might be dizzy.

You know, could be nauseous.

If he is, don't forget we've got those seasick tablets,

they're on the top shelf.

Yes.

All right, bye.

LOCK BEEPS

ALARM BLARES

Oh! Shh! Shh!

- What? - You let her go romping off to Scarborough.

I thought she was supposed to be your woman.

- Who? - How many have you got?

- Do you mean Madge? - Yes, of course I mean Madge.

You do know what goes off in Scarborough?

I know they do a bit of fishing.

Fishing? Do you know how many women never come back from there?

- They're coming back Saturday. - You hope.

There are waiters from all over the Mediterranean flock to Scarborough

to steal Yorkshire women.

Oh, I don't think Madge will go any wilder than a game of crazy golf.

Well, I hope you're right.

There's many a Yorkshire pudding been abandoned

in pursuit of the Mediterranean diet.

I don't think Madge is all that fussed about the Mediterranean diet.

But do you even know where she's staying?

I know exactly where she's staying.

She's staying at the Hotel Winslow, Duchess Street.

"Do not ring me unless it's an emergency..."

Oh! Ohh...

Oh, Grimwald.

Arthur Grimwald.

Nice to meet you.

I've been out again, haven't I? Oh, I keep doing that,

falling asleep anywhere.

It's embarrassing.

I've flaked out in places you would not believe.

Sainsbury's, Tesco, B&Q three times.

Three times!

Always amongst the bathroom fittings.

I mean, you have to wonder, what's wrong with soft furnishings?

- Are you all right? How are you feeling? - Oh, I'm fine.

I've always been fine. Ask Mrs Grimwald.

Or, if you want something more up to date, try Mrs Wilkinson.

You can let me go now.

See? I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm not fine.

Oh...

Oh, dear.

There he goes again.

Quite the challenge for the keen young executive.

PEACEFUL MUSIC, CHATTER

Hello, Granville.

Hello, bedroom.

Er, sorry. Mavis.

I don't know why I said "bedroom".

I think what we've got to do is... is to play it tactfully.

You go up first and then I will follow,

and that will stop all these nosy people...

..from making mountains out of breasts.

Molehills. Sorry. Out of molehills.

OK?

Ah!

Thank you.

Right. Thank you very much.

I don't know who we think we're kidding.

Oh, you know, a gentleman has to try, doesn't he?

- 174. - Yes, thank you.

- Beg your pardon? WHISPERS: - 174.

LOUDLY: Oh, 174!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ah!

Sorry. Sorry.

We can't just leave him there!

He looks perfectly comfy to me.

You know what he said?

It's dangerous if you try to wake him up too suddenly.

Aye.

The customer's always right.

This one's all right, isn't he?

It's what every shop needs.

See what a draw he is?

Is the stuff I ordered ready yet?

- Yes, it is. - About time.

It's very inconvenient having to drive here.

You've got the road up at Milton Street and I hate reversing,

ever since I ran over Mr Bradshaw.

- Here's your order, Mrs Bradshaw. - Hmph.

And if it's not all there, I'll be back.

And you want to get this place cleaned up.

Your father never had it like this.

When you asked if I could give you a lift, I assumed you meant into town.

Enjoy the ride, be carefree.

Where are we going, exactly?

Nowhere exactly.

I thought a little trip out might please you.

I've no idea where we're going.

There's a roundabout coming up.

Take the second exit, then first left.

SULTRY PIANO MUSIC

ALARM BLARES

I'm coming, Madge! I'll save you from that Mediterranean diet!

Oh, hmm, the light.

Yes, that's fine.

That's OK.

Morning.

Housekeeping!

ALARM BLARES

HE GROANS

Put him down.

Oof!

She didn't mean that quick.

Yes, she did. You, enough from you.

- I haven't said a word! - Well, that's more than enough.

What do you think you're doing?

Helping a poor soul in trouble, as you do.

And I'm helping him to...

help a poor soul in trouble.

As you do.

Don't lie to me. He can lie to me. We're married. It's his privilege.

You, get up.

Could be dangerous if he's moved too quickly, right?

Oh, listen, he's a sweetheart.

He's a dumb sweetheart.

They're having you on!

Come on, get up.

Knew it all the time.

That's my story, I'm sticking to it.

- I'll have to get going. - I'll come with you.

Stay where you are.

Looks like I'm staying.

We'll be thinking of you.

- That's a help. - Plead insanity.

Bog off.

Instead of fooling around here, when are you going to paper that bedroom?

I'm guessing really soon.

Feel like an idiot.

It was three to one, it wasn't a fair fight.

Don't tell Granville. He'll never leave me in charge again.

I won't tell Granville.

My lips are sealed. I'm a clam.

No you're not.

You know everybody's business. You tell everybody everything!

I could help you put a lock on these lips any time.

Do you want a coffee?

How did you know? Not only desirable, but psychic.

Come on through.

No monkey business.

Does that include mutual grooming?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Where have you been?!

Trying to switch off that damn alarm.

I thought you'd gone home.

You must be joking.

- I thought maybe something had gone wrong with the shop. - Eh?

What have you heard? What are they not telling me?

I've heard nothing.

Oh. Oh, that's all right, then.

Oh!

Er, heh.

Alone at last, eh?

I hope you like cheese and ham.

Oh, food of the gods.

Why Scarborough?

It's nearer than Portofino.

You made a beeline straight here.

- Why this hotel? - Why not this hotel?

Are you going to argue all day?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Let me in, I forgot me key!

- It's Madge! - It's Madge?

Oh, heck!

Oh, er...

Oh, er, I know, I know...

I'll get in...

I'll get in here.

HE WHIMPERS Ah! I don't want that!

I've just seen Mrs Featherstone and that poor Mr Newbold.

I don't know what they're doing here, other than being nosy.

So, you'd better come down.

Why?!

So they can see you.

If you're missing, she'll only dream up something scandalous.

Hello, Madge. You're looking well.

Sea air suits you.

What is he doing here?!

We had a sandwich, that's all.

Cheese and ham, it was. Best ever.

I've got to get home.

I've got a shop to run.

How are we going to get him out past that lot downstairs?

Eyebrow pencil.

Who's got an eyebrow pencil?

- In the bathroom. - In the bathroom.

Thank you. Right.

Oh, here she is.

I thought she might be otherwise engaged.

You'll join us for a coffee?

Ah, waiter. Four white coffees, please, and take away these empties.

FRENCH ACCENT: Oui, mademoiselle.

Four blanc coffee and take away ze empty.

Merci beaucoup.

Pardonnez-moi, madame.

If I may say so, I used to know her really well,

and you are the exact double of the former Queen of Romania.

- Oh! - SHE CHUCKLES

I'm sure there's very little resemblance.

You overdid it. She might have recognised you.

He did great!

Although she's going to be unbearable to live with.

No, it's Mr Newbold I feel sorry for

because he's going to have to bob a curtsy now.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Hop in, Madge. I hope it's not too late.

Don't you come here with your Mediterranean diet!

It's me, you twillip!

You came to rescue me?

From foreign waiters, as soon as I heard.

You're thick as a brick.

Still, it was a nice thought.

As soon as you get back, you and me, fish and chips.

Sooner than you think. Wait here till I get my things.

I'm coming with you.

Oh, yes! I can't...

ALARM BLARES

Shh! Shh!

VOICE-OVER: Something tells me that the body in the shop

that puts our Leroy under most stress is Mrs Hussein's.

I think Mr Newbold is showing the strain of escorting

the former Queen of Romania.

I never thought I'd see Gastric

coming in for extra virgin olive oil.

I bet he's experimenting with the Mediterranean diet.