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1
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I always think how well you look, hatless amid the broccoli.
2
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It's mainly cabbage.
3
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I don't think that seriously modifies my observation.
4
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Is he attending to you, Mrs Hussein?
5
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Not as well as I'd like.
6
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Well, she comes right out with it.
7
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Could I point out that this is only a starter sample
8
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of the options available?
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LEROY YAWNS
10
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I'm not giving the till any money this morning, so if it's listening,
11
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it should understand that I'm merely walking past,
12
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on my way to another errand entirely.
13
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Ah!
14
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GRANVILLE CHUCKLES Gotcha! In you go.
15
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Right, I...
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I said, "In you go".
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In you...
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In!
19
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This till has got to be retired.
20
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Ow!
21
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Serves you right. You should get a new one.
22
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Your Great Uncle Arkwright is living in there somewhere.
23
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It's just a till!
24
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GRANVILLE COUGHS
25
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And to think you only used to believe in money.
26
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The spirit of the till will not reveal itself to you because...
27
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GRANVILLE COUGHS
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..you're young, and you think you know it all.
29
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Right, what am I having for me breakfast?
30
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Gastric, YOU are supposed to tell US.
31
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Not round here. He sells you stuff he wants to get rid of.
32
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Good morning, Gastric.
33
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- Morning.
- Look at this.
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Fresh kippers, there, look. A gentleman's breakfast.
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- And that is fresh from the smokery.
- You see?
36
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I'll take a pair.
37
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I can pick the bones out me teeth while I'm pondering.
38
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Deep thoughts?
39
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Why not? Did you think I were thick?
40
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Never. Not once.
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Even when you thought Colchester were a lung infection.
42
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Colchester. I'm told me Uncle Willie had it.
43
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- Did he get better?
- No.
44
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Well, he probably DID have it, then.
45
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I'll tell you what I've got - problems with that Madge.
46
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I'm at a crossroads.
47
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- I'm in the dark.
- Well, I think we can help you with that.
48
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Well, why would you bother? I've already bought two kippers.
49
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Gastric, everything's not about money.
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You bring your problems in here, you know, and I like that.
51
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You feel you're in the dark? Right.
52
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- We have the answer.
- I'm listening.
- Here it is.
53
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One solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap
54
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with flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.
55
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Thank you. Right.
56
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Are you sure this butter's fresh?
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Mm?
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GRANVILLE SIGHS
59
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Yes, it's perfectly fresh.
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Oh.
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There was poor Gastric,
62
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looking for a bit of sympathy, and what does he get?
63
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A flashlight.
64
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The man said he were in a dark place.
65
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Mentally! It's Madge. He's worried she might be leaving.
66
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I'm worried she might be leaving if she's taking Mavis with her.
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He's concerned that he's getting nowhere with Madge.
68
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Well, he should take her out more often, shouldn't he, eh?
69
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Can you name one single night when he's ever taken her out?
70
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Eh? No!
71
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Well, he's got no excuse now, because he got a torch!
72
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And do you know what you said to me?
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"The bathroom needs new tiles."
74
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Is that so terrible?
75
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I was trying to kiss you at the time!
76
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I had both hands full with your dinner. You pick a hell of a time.
77
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In days gone by, you would have put down the plates.
78
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Today, I'm just part of the furniture.
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If you're sulking because of how long it is since
80
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you've had a polish, then you can forget it!
81
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You used to look at me, and it was like...
82
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..a light bulb going on.
83
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I'm talking 200 watts.
84
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Are we going into town or aren't we?
85
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Nowadays, I'm lucky if I get 40.
86
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I mean, how much excitement can you get from 40 watts?
87
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Stop bragging. You peak at 30.
88
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Go for it. Up your game, now.
89
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Invite her out.
90
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Tonight.
91
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To be honest, I have trouble getting past, "Hello, Madge".
92
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I'm OK as far as, "Hello, Madge".
93
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- Do you want me to come with you?
- Yes.
94
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No. He's got to do this.
95
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Tell her you want to take her somewhere nice.
96
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A little token of appreciation for all of the...
97
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- Ferocious rollickings she gives him.
- Mm.
98
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It gets so you nearly enjoy it.
99
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It's like being wrapped in warm nettles.
100
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Tell her we're all going out posh tonight,
101
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and you want to take her with us.
102
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Does that come straight after "Hello, Madge," or do I have to...?
103
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Just...will you go?!
104
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,600
And how is Mrs Roper?
105
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,480
Oh, it's our 40th next month.
106
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,360
Oh, you must be getting used to each other by now, then.
107
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People ask me, "What's the secret?" And I say, "It's simple.
108
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"The man has to be in charge."
109
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Oh!
110
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Is Mrs Roper aware of that?
111
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Oh, you don't tell her. You go about it crafty.
112
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And you might, if you're really cunning,
113
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go as far as letting her think that SHE'S in charge.
114
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Well, you seem to have pulled that one off, Mr Roper.
115
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Well, is there anything else?
116
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No, no, you're fine.
117
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You don't get to 40 years without learning a few tricks.
118
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No, that's true.
119
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Oh, that'll be £5 for the kippers then, please.
120
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Oh, thank you. Right.
121
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,320
Did Mrs Roper get her torch?
122
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- Torch?
- Yes, last time she was in, she said she wanted a torch
123
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for emergencies, and, well, I hadn't got one in at the time.
124
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Emergencies? I handle the emergencies.
125
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She probably thinks that you've noticed that she needs a torch
126
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for emergencies. I mean, you being, you know, in charge.
127
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Yeah, that's true. She relies on me.
128
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Of course.
129
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Well, after 40 years, I expect you get like that, don't you?
130
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You know, practically knowing each other's thoughts.
131
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Yes, you do.
132
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Have you got a torch in now?
133
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Funnily enough, I got some in specially, yes.
134
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There you are. That's a solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap
135
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and flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.
136
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,240
- I'd better take one.
- Decisions - I like that.
137
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I like that - shows that you're in charge.
138
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Right, so that's £15 for the torch, £5 for the kippers -
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that's exactly £20.
140
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Well done. You just owe me for the batteries.
141
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GRANVILLE HUMS
142
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You two really are twitchy.
143
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Have you thought about Doctor Proctor's nerve tonic?
144
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No!
145
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Hey, this is too serious. We're not buying any rubbish.
146
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Oh, that IS serious.
147
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Be gentle with us. Go easy for once.
148
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You sold us an ice cream, we only came in for advice.
149
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It's no good appealing to his better nature.
150
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He's never known the perils of matrimony.
151
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GRANVILLE CHUCKLES What?
152
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You two only have to deal with one housewife.
153
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Me, I have to deal with at least 20 housewives a day.
154
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If you want any advice about how to handle wives,
155
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you have come to the right place.
156
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- We're listening.
- But, hey...
157
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..no Doctor Proctor's, eh?
158
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The trouble is, with you two, your wives are taking you for granted.
159
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,360
Now, they wouldn't do if they thought that
160
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you were seeing another woman.
161
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- BOTH:
- She'd kill him!
162
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I don't mean a real other woman.
163
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What I mean is, you get a friend of yours to put on a wig,
164
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and just dress up a bit.
165
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- That's a big bit!
- Where do we find somebody as loopy as that?
166
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Uh-uh!
167
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Then, I'm sorry, gentlemen, we do not carry one in stock.
168
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You're just going to have to look up your long list of acquaintances.
169
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Thank you.
170
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- BOTH:
- Newbold!
171
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Oh, is he not in?
172
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Duty calls him elsewhere at the moment, Mrs Featherstone.
173
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Can I be of assistance?
174
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Are you qualified for the mature person?
175
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,680
You always make me feel as if I'm involved with a toy boy.
176
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I didn't mean, "Can I be of that much assistance?"
177
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I've never been happy disclosing my needs to persons of your generation.
178
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:25,880
You're always very polite,
179
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but God knows what you get up to on the internet.
180
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,800
Is there any specific reason you don't like me attending to you?
181
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,440
I have seen you covered in trollop,
182
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up to your eyebrows in trainee hussies.
183
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,680
Not recently, Mrs Featherstone.
184
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I'm chasing a vegan.
185
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Are there any left?
186
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,040
You could do worse than model yourself on Mr Newbold.
187
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He is a man of impeccable self-restraint.
188
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Damn near soporific.
189
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Don't be shy of asking me.
190
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What are friends for? What can I do for you?
191
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- Tell him.
- I'm telling him!
192
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I'm choosing the words.
193
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What if...
194
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our wives got the idea that we were showing an interest
195
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in another woman?
196
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,720
But of course, on account of the mortal danger it would involve...
197
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..we can't afford to get mixed up with a REAL other woman.
198
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So, we need to be seen, if only at a distance,
199
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,360
..in the company of, shall we say...
200
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,080
..a strange woman.
201
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In which case, your help would prove invaluable.
202
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,960
I already have a strange woman.
203
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,000
And I doubt whether you'd want one as strange as that.
204
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,160
We need an illusion of a woman.
205
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,040
Oh, she's no illusion.
206
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,920
- Woman enough to get the rumours circulating.
- Mm.
207
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,280
But, hang on...
208
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..I'm getting an idea here.
209
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,080
What you need...
210
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..is some chap.
211
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Go on.
212
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:25,640
It's a lot to ask. He'd have to be very well disposed towards you.
213
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- An absolute jewel.
- Top of the heap.
214
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,280
Someone willing to play the part...
215
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,480
..of a lady.
216
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,840
Now, don't dismiss it out of hand.
217
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,080
Oh, no.
218
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I realise it's a big step.
219
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,120
And where are you likely to find an idiot like that?
220
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,520
No!
221
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,240
Absolutely not!
222
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,640
I don't really need a torch.
223
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,360
You need a proper restaurant.
224
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,720
You can't take Madge and Mavis to some greasy spoon.
225
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,040
I know it's not that you lack the nerve, but really.
226
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Thank you.
227
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,040
Ah! Oh! Ah!
228
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,080
Yes, but if I'm paying,
229
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you know that my digestive system can't handle expensive.
230
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I'm told this restaurant's reasonable.
231
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Huh. I shan't enjoy it.
232
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,520
I'll be wondering about how you're getting on minding the shop.
233
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,280
But I'm not minding the shop.
234
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I'm going with you. I've invited a young lady.
235
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,880
Well, who's minding the shop?
236
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,200
Take a deep breath, listen to me...
237
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..can't we close early, for once?
238
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,640
You see what he thinks?
239
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:07,920
Well, what do YOU think?
240
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,080
I'm with him.
241
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GRANVILLE HUMS
242
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:24,320
Oh! By the look of you two, this is not happy hour.
243
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,320
Old Newbold won't do it.
244
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,840
He refuses flatly to go girlie.
245
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,840
No problem. You do it yourselves.
246
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,960
You become your own other woman.
247
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,880
One of you goes female,
248
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:44,400
and then you take turns so that you can both be seen out
249
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with another woman.
250
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Would I want to be seen out with him?
251
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,440
Hey! I don't fancy you that much, either.
252
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,840
Listen, you're not going to get married,
253
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you're just doing it to start a rumour, aren't you?
254
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All right, I'll tell you what -
255
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,800
we'll toss a coin for who goes female first.
256
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,560
Right.
257
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,640
Arkwright, can I borrow a coin?
258
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,800
Thank you. I shall return it.
259
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,040
Right, I'm going to toss the coin, you call.
260
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,480
Loser goes first.
261
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,160
- Tails.
- Heads.
262
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,360
Oh!
263
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,280
GRANVILLE CHUCKLES
264
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,800
Hello, sweetie.
265
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,280
CYRIL LAUGHS
266
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,360
Come away. It's locked and bolted.
267
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,680
Not to mention locked and bolted.
268
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:42,680
GRANVILLE GRUNTS
269
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,280
Oh, you've overloaded the money belt.
270
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,240
I'm not leaving my innocent money to get into the clutches
271
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,960
of evil toerags.
272
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,360
- Who parked that thing there?
- I've no idea.
273
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,040
What's he doing now?
274
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:02,600
He's telling Arkwright to keep an eye on the shop.
275
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,200
Don't ask. Right, I'll see you at the restaurant.
276
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,240
- Hang on a minute.
- Oh, now what?
- It's all right.
277
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,840
- No, I'll be back in a flash.
- Oh!
278
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,280
Oh, my first customer.
279
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,240
What a pity he's badly bent.
280
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,560
Ah! Oh!
281
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,240
Only a temporary...
282
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,200
Listen, if you see anybody going to the shop, give them a whistle
283
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,280
and get them back over here, cos I've stocked you well up.
284
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,400
I'm on a power trip.
285
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,360
And if they look half kettled, sell them a torch.
286
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:54,080
- I'll torch them to death.
- Yes!
- Trust me, I'm on a roll.
- Good.
287
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,240
Now, any problems, give me a call, all right?
288
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,880
Or I could call Leroy, save you the trouble.
289
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,280
Straighten up. You're walking like your elastic's gone!
290
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:22,360
This is as straight as it gets without doing some serious damage.
291
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,560
- Get in!
- Oh!
292
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:30,960
Can we get the old gentleman a chair?
293
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,360
Well, what's anybody having?
294
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,600
A coronary.
295
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:53,760
Every time I see these prices, my money belt gives a twinge.
296
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,640
You're out of touch. How long is it since you last went out for a meal?
297
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:02,120
I'll tell you how long it's going to be before I go out for the next one.
298
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,000
Well, you only live once.
299
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,320
You can't afford twice!
300
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,400
MONEY BELT CREAKS Oh!
301
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,760
Do you live in town, Beth?
302
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,640
Just on the outskirts.
303
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,240
She's a vegan.
304
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,640
Still, I don't see why they can't let her into town!
305
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,400
I only mention it to explain why we'll be having our own table.
306
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,640
You wouldn't want to be sat next to a couple of people
307
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,800
crunching through salad, would you?
308
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,480
So, what will you be having?
309
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,640
Oh... My favourite salad.
310
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,360
Oh, isn't love grand?
311
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,560
How long have you been on salad?
312
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,440
Since I showed him the benefits.
313
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,400
I can see where he sees the benefits.
314
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,800
And what can we get you people?
315
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:50,920
A mortgage!
316
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,560
Could you give us a couple more minutes?
317
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,320
- Certainly.
- Give me a hand, will you?
318
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,880
I've got to release this thing.
319
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,760
Oh, yes, thank you.
320
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,080
Excuse me.
321
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,960
MONEY JINGLES
322
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,560
CREAKING
323
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:12,920
That's better. Thank you.
324
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,320
Thank you.
325
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,440
They'll all be at the restaurant.
326
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,880
It'll give you a chance to show them how close we're becoming.
327
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,800
They should know already. You keep telling them.
328
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,800
There's nothing like them witnessing your show of affection.
329
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,680
"Show"? How much of a show?
330
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,160
Well, just the usual courtesies. I don't want you mauling me.
331
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,480
Much can be achieved by the right expression.
332
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,960
Just not the one you're wearing now.
333
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,280
I know him from some place.
334
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,200
Stop staring, it's rude.
335
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,640
There you go again. You hate me, don't you?
336
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,440
Not always.
337
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,120
Go on. Tell her.
338
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:05,120
What, already? We haven't even eaten.
339
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,040
I was saving it for later.
340
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,000
Tell me what?
341
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,960
Gastric doesn't want you to leave the area.
342
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:17,240
Nobody wants her to leave the area. I keep telling her.
343
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,400
Mrs Duckett says the omens are wrong.
344
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:23,520
I keep reminding her what happened when she went to Bridlington.
345
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,200
I only went for a day.
346
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,440
Exactly. If you can't get a day right,
347
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,880
where do you get the nerve to try forever?
348
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:34,120
Oh, go on, girl! I love it when you're roused.
349
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,000
Thank you. I'll have the squid.
350
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,880
Hey, you do know that a squid has eight arms?
351
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,360
Given the right circumstances, I can do a very good impression.
352
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:47,560
I know!
353
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,240
Who's that with Cyril?
354
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,720
And why did he bother?
355
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,560
Oh, he'll look a bit sick when he sees us here.
356
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:05,240
Don't you start gossiping,
357
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,200
otherwise you'll get him into trouble with his wife.
358
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,960
He's looking for trouble, bringing her here.
359
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,000
She must be some brazen slapper.
360
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,080
Who was that?
361
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,080
Just a neighbour. Probably his auntie.
362
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,520
Take your glasses off.
363
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,600
What, and be recog...
364
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:41,880
..recognised?
365
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,560
"Oh, look, there's Eric dressed as an old bag."
366
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,400
Stop right there. Forget that notion.
367
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,640
I wouldn't be caught dead with an old bag.
368
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,920
You're my escort for the evening, and therefore, you are...
369
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:57,520
..beautiful.
370
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,440
Give over, will you? You're creeping me out.
371
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,120
Ooh, well!
372
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:09,400
What a coincidence, seeing you people here.
373
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:13,760
Mr Newbold's always whisking me off for a little dolce vita.
374
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,840
Softening me up, I fear.
375
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,520
It makes you wonder what they have in mind.
376
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,400
Ooh, ooh... GRANVILLE STRAINS
377
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,360
Your father's weird.
378
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:34,440
Yeah.
379
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:35,880
I've noticed that.
380
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,200
I can see where you get yours from.
381
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,720
What? You think I'm weird?
382
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,040
You came to the library dressed as a banana.
383
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,800
Only because my gherkin suit were at the dry cleaners.
384
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,480
We'll get the word out now. She'll spread it.
385
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,800
What if people come over here?
386
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,840
How are you going to introduce me?
387
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,600
What am I called?
388
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,680
- Vera.
- Bog off!
389
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,640
That's a wife's name.
390
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,800
We're having an affair here, a hot fling.
391
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,920
I ought to be something more...
392
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,680
exotic.
393
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,840
You're getting carried away, hey?
394
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,200
You're going over the top again.
395
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,160
I'm seeking authenticity.
396
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,480
It's not just the dress, you know.
397
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,360
I need to...
398
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,760
feel the person.
399
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,920
OK. It's...
400
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,560
Dolores.
401
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:34,880
Feel that?
402
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:39,800
Will you be able to spell it?
403
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,560
Why would I want to spell it?
404
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,920
Dolores likes to cover all the angles.
405
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,880
Maybe she's a perfectionist.
406
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,360
More like obsessive.
407
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,560
Oh, well, forgive me if Dolores is becoming too much of a bother!
408
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,920
Crab apple jelly.
409
00:23:55,920 --> 00:24:00,960
- Sorry?
- You sold me crab apple, a boat-load of crab apple jelly.
410
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:04,480
Oh, yes. That's right. Well, tell your friends,
411
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,760
and tell them to hurry, because stocks are limited.
412
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,000
"The old witch's recipe", you said.
413
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,680
Oh, yes. Excuse me, won't you? Just a moment.
414
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,680
Yes, that'll be Mrs Duckett.
415
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,920
She pulled it off the old psychic internet.
416
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,800
"Guaranteed to revitalise your romance", you said.
417
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,040
Mm-hm?
418
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,960
Does that look revitalised?
419
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,760
I feed her bucketsful, and for what? Nothing.
420
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,280
I'll tell you what I do get, malice.
421
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,640
Did you get the additive?
422
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,040
Oh, yes, yes. You sold me Doctor Proctor's additive.
423
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,440
I've been lobbing drops in her every mouthful.
424
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,440
I see. And did you wait for the trigger?
425
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,680
Nobody mentioned a trigger.
426
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,960
Oh, well, that's it, isn't it?
427
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,880
You forgot the trigger.
428
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:57,760
Now, I tell you what, you go back to her, with my blessing,
429
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,600
take her home.
430
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,680
She will be more than you can handle
431
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:07,400
when she hears any Frank Sinatra album.
432
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:11,000
- So, Frank Sinatra's the trigger?
- Yes.
433
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,160
Take her home, put the music on,
434
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,360
but make sure you're holding on to something firm. Right?
435
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,000
THEY LAUGH
436
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,960
What are you doing under the table?
437
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,680
Is this you staring at my legs?
438
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,320
You dropped a napkin.
439
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,760
Well, there's no point in showing your affection under there.
440
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,160
Let them see it in your eyes.
441
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,240
Now, start with a bit of yearning.
442
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,840
Up your game, man. Go for passionate.
443
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:52,720
And madam would like?
444
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:58,880
I think I'll start with a ballotine of free-range chicken,
445
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,600
with a maple-infused duck.
446
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:03,960
How much?!
447
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,760
Oh! Ooh...
448
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,000
CREAKING AND GRANVILLE STRAINS
449
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,520
What's your father doing?
450
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,080
My head in.
451
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,200
CREAKING
452
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,720
GRANVILLE SIGHS
453
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,640
I suppose it's worth it if Madge is staying, hey?
454
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,800
- Who said I would stay?
- Shut up!
455
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,600
Hello, Mavis!
456
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,640
Hello, Granville.
457
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:37,120
- Well, I must say, I thought that was delicious.
- ROMANTIC MUSIC
458
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:39,960
# Once I get you up there... #
459
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,040
Oh, hey! This is him.
460
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,280
Mr Cupid with his wonder jelly.
461
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,880
Oh... Mm...
462
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,080
Oh, hey up!
463
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:58,800
- This is a one-way jelly, you know.
- Oh, sorry. No, I...
464
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,360
Tart!
465
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,320
I... Hey!
466
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,600
DOOR CREAKS
467
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,760
Kath.
468
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,320
I know who I am.
469
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,520
Who the hell are you?
470
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,200
You're usually in bed.
471
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,680
Go on, explain yourself.
472
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,920
I'm not giving you time to think.
473
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,760
I want you to lie to me spontaneously.
474
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,640
But you should be in bed!
475
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:38,680
Any other time, you'd have been in bed.
476
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,200
With your back to me.
477
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,240
I don't know you any more.
478
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,840
Who are you?
479
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:50,200
Dolores.
480
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:52,760
Dolores?
481
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,520
Couldn't you have picked something a bit more...?
482
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,640
Oh, all right, then! Vera.
483
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,680
Vera. Yeah, better.
484
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,080
Although...
485
00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,960
..I do feel more of a Susan.
486
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:07,960
Susan.
487
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,600
I tell you what, Susan,
488
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,320
Next time, let me do your face, eh?
489
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:27,200
'I'm going to have to review some prices round here
490
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,960
'to pay for that bill.
491
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:35,360
'I must say, that Mavis goes well with squid.
492
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:42,200
'I don't think our Leroy's going far with that vegan.
493
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,080
'I'd better get him some supper ready.
494
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,400
'He'll be starving after that salad.'
36481
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