All language subtitles for No Activity s03e01_English

TOLBECK:
Highest bid.
Three seconds left.

Three, two, one.

Yes!

I won.Great, great.

I'm cleaning up tonight.Okay, great.

Looks like blondie's
got a customer.TOLBECK: Hmm.

CULLEN:
Okay, money exchanged.
Here we go.

Let's take them in his car.

No. No.

I guess they want to
do it out in the open.

I guess they want
to be caught. Okay,

you ready to go?Yeah, one second.

Tolbeck. We're rostered
together, like, once a week.

You're spending the whole night
on your phone.

Limit... Look at this.
Limited edition

1987 commemorative plate,

Michael with Nancy Reagan.

[laughs]

Only 38 bucks. Look.No.

I don't want to look, okay?[sighs]

I don't support
this frenzied buy up

of Michael Jackson
memorabilia.

There's a reason
why it's so cheap.

Yeah, the market is down now,

but it's gonna bounce back.I don't know about that, man.

Hey, do you remember
my cousin Gavin,

the Michael Jackson
impersonator?Mm.

He quit doing that,
and now he's selling

carpet again.Right, 'cause
business dried up.

No.
Actually, it picked up.

But the clientele
was not great.

Oh, boy.They wanted him to do

this cruise where...Oh, fuck me. We wasted time

on your creepy auction.
Now they're deep

into it.Oh, God.

Is that his leg or her leg?

Fucking animals.
I'm not touching that.

We're just...
Let 'em finish first.

TOLBECK:
Can we just turn a
blind eye to this?

I don't want that musky
sex smell in the car.No, we can't.

We're not turning a blind eye.
We're bringing him in here

'cause this is the dumb shit
we have to do now

since the demotion.

I don't view it as a demotion.

You know, I actually like
being in uniform.Why?

Every day that I wake up
and I put this uniform on,

I feel empowered and sexy.

Oh, really? Sexy?

Yeah. When I walk into a room,
all eyes follow me.

You don't like being noticed?

No, man, I don't
like being noticed.

I like being
undercover. Okay?

I would like
to kick a door down

and yell,
"Freeze. Special Agent Cullen."

And throw a guy off a rooftop.
That's what I would like.

TOLBECK:
That's a lot of cardio.Okay.

Okay, they're done.
Let's go. Come on, Tolbeck.

I got another auction coming.Just, come on.

Stop. Police.I-It's the Thrilleralb...
[groans]

Cullen, it's a limited edition
with bubbles on the sleeve.

Cullen.

Hold it there.
Police.

Cullen, he's run...
He's running.Tolbeck, get him.

Tol... Yeah,
chase him.

Oh, he's really fast.

He's an athlete.Chase him.
Tolbeck, for...

Oh, well, he's gone.

Are you serious
right now?

I'm so sorry.
He got away.

Did you even try?No.

My feet are not good
right now.

CULLEN:
You have the right
to, uh, an attorney.

If you can't afford an attorney,
one will be appointed to you

by the court. Do you understand
the rights I've read to you?

Watch your head.

Oh, my God.

You guys are in so much trouble.

Yeah, I know.You have no idea.

No, we have some idea. Okay.No, you don't.
Look, I'm-I'm related

to a senator, okay?
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.

Distantly related to a senator.Did we have coffee here?

What did we do
with our coffee?You are gonna remember this day

You threw it out.for the rest of your lives.

Fuck me.Oh, God.

So, w-what now?
Am I being charged or whatever

down at the station?

Yeah, you're being
charged, okay,

under California penal code
247B: engaging in prostitution.

What?Yeah.

Prostitution?That's right.

Okay, that's insane.
Why would I do that?

I assume because
it's your job.

My job?Yeah.

Do... Okay, do you
not know who I am?

I'm Amy Schumer.

You're Amy Schumer?Yeah.

Who is that?Amy Schumer.

She's a actress, a comic.
Right?

Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.

I also write and I-I direct.
Hi.

Wh... I didn't know that.Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's amazing.It's time. It was time.

I don't...But I'd like
to make a statement.

Okay?Okay.

I will be fighting this charge
tooth and nail.

You can fight it all you want,
but we know what we saw.

That's ridi... Why would
I prostitute myself?

I have so much money.

Is she worth a lot?

Yes. Very wealthy.

So successful. God.Okay.

Look, that's a billboard
for my new special.

Oh, wow.
You look great.

That's you?Yeah, that's me.
What do you mean?

Really?What do you mean, really?

Yes, that's me, right th...
You know,

they touch it up
a little, but...

Did you catch it?

I didn't see it yet. No.You didn't see it? Okay.

Yeah, no, get to it whenever.

So you were having sex
under a billboard of yourself?

Right. Okay, how crazy
would that be?[laughs]

I have to look at my own
success just to get off.

[laughs]
Yeah, can you imagine?

I don't have to imagine it.
We saw the whole thing.

What did you even see?

I saw you
sucking off a guy

next to a dumpster.
Okay?

Is he allowed
to talk to me like that?

Because I-I feel unsafe.

You should not
talk to her that way.

Yeah, please don't
talk to us that way.Wow.

But we did see her sucking off
a guy by a dumpster.

And then he sucked you off
by the dumpster, and then

he fucked you against the wall.
We saw-we saw the whole thing.

You can't talk to us like that.

You cannot talk to...
speak to us that way.We all saw you do it.

We won't have to see it and we
don't have to talk about it.

Okay, I want to make
a statement here.Another statement?

I want to make a statement,
on the record,

that I will be fighting this
tooth and nail.Tooth and nail?

And this will come up in court
when I'm on the stand.Okay.

Fantastic. It's
gonna be a great day.

Dispatch, this is
car 34, come in.

JANICE:
Car 34, go ahead.

Uh, requesting a unit to pick up
a suspect for soliciting.

Ugh, great.
I'll put it on the list.

"Ugh"?
I'm requesting a car.

Yeah, ugh.
It's low priority.

Just keep 'em in your car

and bring 'em in
at the end of your shift.

Janice, she doesn't smell good.

Also, it's Amy Schumer.
Fun.

Wait, really?

Hi.Amy Schumer's in the car.

Hey, you guys, do you think
Amy Schumer would do,

like, a shout-out video
for my cousin's charity?Oh...

Yeah, it's, uh, $12,000.

Oh, hi.
Hi, Amy Schumer.

Um, so, yeah,

it's for a charity.
Uh, my little cousin...

Right, yeah, hey,
it doesn't matter

what the disease or animal is.

It's a 12K flat rate.

Really?

Yeah, hon, look, there's a lot
of charities out there,

and if you do one for free,
you're gonna wind up

doing 'em all for free, so...

Oh. Okay.

Yeah. Did you want me to
go ahead and book that for you?

Um, no thanks.

No problem.
We appreciate your inquiry.

Okay, and hey, while I have you,

I'd like to make a statement
on the record

that I will be fighting
this charge tooth and nail.

End quote.
Over and out.

Okay, I think we got it.

Can I just say, also,
that I don't care for you.

And I have a feeling that
your co-workers don't either.

Hmm.

So...

Oh, fuck me.

FATIMA:
Is that the new supervisor?

Huh?Wait, do you
know him?

Huh? Yeah, no.
I-I don't know.

Then why did you say,
"Oh, fuck me"?

Because he looks
like a dipshit.

He does?

JANICE:
Yeah. And now we work
for that dipshit.

So, fuck me, right?

I guess.

♪

[groans]

[knocking]

Who's there?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take your boots off.
I got here an hour ago.

I've been cleaning
the whole time.

Wow, guy, thanks.

It's gonna be
that kind of day, huh?

AMY:
I mean, it's so funny, right?

Like,

just why would I risk it all?

Risk everything as just,
like, a dirty,

like, sexy little street hooker?
[chuckles]

It's like... I don't know,

if I were to offer
to blow you guys

for, like, $30 each,

you know,
right here, right now,

in the back
of this car.

Like, anybody could
come by and see us.

I mean, that'd be insane, right?

Yeah, that would
be insane.

Yeah, exactly.Exactly.

Yeah.

Like, 25 bucks a pop.

Right here, right now.
Let's go.

Wait, are you asking us, or...

God, no. No.

Or even, like, 15 bucks?

I can blow you guys
at the same time.

It really feels like you're
propositioning us right now,

which is, in itself, a crime.Mm.

Right, yeah, as it should be.It is.

'Cause it's so wrong.Yeah.

Yeah.Criminal.

So criminal.Yeah.

Yeah. It's, like...
[scoffs]

like, nine dollars,
you know,

to fold both of your penises
in my mouth

while you make intense
eye contact with each other.

A slow, unrushed...

blowj.

No.

I agree with the no answer.

Right.That's not something that
we want right now. [chuckles]

Or ever.

We never want that to happen.

So that's a big "no, thank you"
there, Amy Schumer.

Well, thank God.

'Cause, guess what, I would

never do that.

Okay?

Okay?

What is that?

No, I'm just saying, like,
you know, this is crazy, right?

Right. Okay. But don't
look at me like that, okay?

I don't like that.

What are you doing
with your eyes?

I'm just saying
this is weird. Hello.

Yeah, it's pretty weird
when you look at me like that.

Just look out the
window, please.

Could you look out
the window, please?

Okay. Fine.

FATIMA:
Oh, my God.

I'm looking up
what celebrities charge

for posts...

Hmm? What?

Okay, what's going
on with you?

Do you know
the new supervisor?[sighs]

All right, fine.

I know the dipshit.

We started out together,
right here in dispatch.

He was my first partner.

Wow.

Why don't you go say hi?

[scoffs]
Yeah.

I'm gonna get out of my seat,

go into his office to say hi.

Spare me your misogyny
bullshit, Fatima.

I'm not a misogynist.

Well, you're not an ally.

Sorry. I just thought
something happened, like...

an office romance
or something?

What? Me and him?

That's disgusting.

I mean, I fucked him a little.

Don't judge me.

This was during Y2K, all right?

The world was ending.

Nobody-nobody gave a shit.

I wasn't judging.I'll go say hi if
it'll make you shut up.

[sighs]

[slurping]

MAN: Did you remember your silencer?

[gargling, bubbling]

What do we know
about the target?

Who are they?
What do they do?

Nothing.

Just whoever checks
into that room next.

Cool. Great.

Whoever checks into
that room next.

They don't tell
us anything.

They don't send us a photo,

they don't tell us
when to expect...

What if the housekeeping person
comes into that room--

we gonna shoot her?

We just gonna kill her?
It doesn't make sense.

And they have the information.

Gary.

[exhales]

You know how many calories
are in this soda?

Uh... Bi... It's
big. I'm not sure.

It's 2,000.

And you know what my daily
calorie intake limit is?

I, uh...

2,100.

So I'm all in on this.

And I am trying to enjoy it.

And you are ruining it.

[slurping]

Hey.

Uh, let me ask you,
a-are you doing

the slurping on purpose, Chief?

I think you're only supposed
to slurp at the end of a drink.

You're slurping all
the way through it.

Which tells me you're s...
just hovering

at the surface of the drink.

Gary!

I-I didn't mean
to ruin your nice drink.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

[slurping]

AMY:
Can I be, like, Brené Brown real

with you all right now?Ooh.

[chuckles]
Okay. I actually

wasoffering
to blow you before.

Yeah. It felt real.

Mm-hmm.[chuckles]:
Yeah.

And I'm just so glad
that you said no,

because, you know,
after being around you

and spending more time with you,
I realize, like,

you're-you're really good guys.

That's nice.
Thank you.

You're just really old.

Well, we said no anyway, so...

D... I know. Thank God.Right.

'Cause you're just from, like,
a different, older generation

than me and I ju...
I know I wouldn't

have been comfortable
if it came down to it.

You know, we're not that old.Mm-hmm.

Um, you're old.

[sighs]

Just thinking about
your old bodies

and how your semen
causes cancer.

The bad kind.

Our semen causes cancer?

Oh, yeah. Studies are showing
that there's, like,

loads of carcinogens
in old come.

[sighs]Yeah.
That's not true.

H-How do they know that?

Oh, the radiation
was off the charts.

Really?Mm-hmm.

Like Chernobyl?

Exactly like Chernobyl.

[moans]There's no way
it's true, Tolbeck.

[chuckles]: Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
there's no way that that's true.

Right.

But it does make
a little bit of sense to me.

I mean, look, why do you
feel so bad when you make it?

Is it because you're making
something that's bad?

Just don't.

Did you know
that "old cop, teen actress"

is the most-searched porn
on the Internet?

Mm.

I specifically said no dairy.

Yeah.

Come in.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm Clint Bergman.

Yes, I know.
Janice.

Janice DeLongpre?

Janice. Janice...

[laughs]:
Oh, my God.

Janice.Mm-hmm.

How are you?

I'm great. You?

Just-just doing swell.

Wow. How long
has it been?

It has been 16 years.

Incredible.Yep.

We got old, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.I see the wrinkle fairy

paid you a little visit.

Mm. Sure, sure.

Been living out
in the desert

or something?
Like, uh, Palmdale?

Arizona?

Because you have a kind of a
outdoorsy desert vibe going on.

Mm. No.Hmm? Oh, okay.
No, I get it.

You're just one of those women
who doesn't wear makeup at work.

Got it. I respect that.

No, actually,
I am wearing makeup.

Really? Okay.Yes.

Give me a sec.

Sure.

[quietly]:
Yeah, it's me again.

Can I get a softer
tungsten light in my office?

These fluros are brutal.
People look like monsters.

Okay.
[chuckles]

So,

what can I do you for?

Just wanted to swing by,

say hi, make sure
nothing was weird.

All right?
Just thought it was important

to make sure we're
on the right track. Okay?

Why would it be weird?

Oh, I don't know.
The Galápagos?

[laughs]:
Oh, my God.

Yeah. Yeah.That's right.

Yeah.Oh.

The Galápagos.Yeah.

Wow. That was... I
mean, we were just,

we were just kids back then.

Way to dodge a bullet, huh?

Yeah. That would've
been a huge mistake.

Huge.

Absolutely. Well,

thanks for dropping by.

Okay. Right.Yeah. I better, uh...

...I better get back to it.Yeah.

Look busy, so,
uh, we're good?

Y... 100%.Okay. Okay.

Bye.

Thanks, Janet.

Janice.

[slurping]

I'm just... I'm
starting to think

we've killed too
many people, Chief.

Like, 18 is
just too many.

Fuck.
What happened?

How did we get
here, man?

When we were kids, man,

we just liked riding bicycles
everywhere. You remember that?

Then we got a
little bit older,

and we wanted to
get a motorcycle.

You got one first
and I followed suit.

And then we were both riding
motorcycles all the time.

It was great. And we ran
into Jules and Jinx and Snoop

and those guys, and we were
like, "Hey, you guys are cool,

like-minded, you got bikes."

So we started riding
all the time with them.

And then they...
then they beat the shit

out of that one guy
for no reason.

And-and we kind of
questioned it, but then we also

kicked his ass, too.

We didn't know
what we were doing.

Before we know it, bang--
there we are, we're in a gang.

And now we're
killing people, man.

We're taking human life, Chief.
That's insane.

I just liked riding
bikes, like, didn't...

wasn't this
a means to an end?

Weren't we just gonna do this
until we could go open our bar?

And now here we are,
sitting here talking

about the 19th murder
we're about to do together.

You're probably just anxious

'cause you messed up
the last job.

I did not mess up
the last job.

They said kill that guy,
and I killed that guy.

Yeah.
You shot him.

You were told
to set him on fire.

Yeah, well,

what's the difference?
Guy's dead.

Uh, it's a big difference.

[rhythmic squeaking in distance]

Hear that?

People fucking.

God, I wish
that was us.

I wish that we were fucking,
I mean.

What?No, no.

I don't-I don't mean
you and I.

I mean, yes, you and I.
But with someone else, here...

to-to take it.

Chief, I wish you and I

had a person, here,

that we were fucking, together.

Different.
I wish you and I

were fucking a different person.[squeaking stops]

Oh.
They're done.

[sighs]

FATIMA:
Ugh. Broken sewage pipe.

Gross.

Car 34?CULLEN: This is car 34. Come in.

Car 34, you are required
at the corner

of Balboa Ave and Conroy Street.

We have a sewage pipe
that has burst.

Copy that. Fuck.What's happening?

We got a new detail.What does that mean?

I'm still getting arrested,
right? Charged? Mug shot?No.

They're not gonna see...No, it's your lucky
night. Get out.

Oh... No, no, no, no, no.
You have to be kidding me.

Uh, you promised.We promised?

You-you promised.

No, no, we're not,
we're not doing that.

AMY: Yes!Get out, Schumer.

No! No!
I'm not asking!
I'm not asking you!

I'm, well, I'm telling you
I'll go to the shit sewer!Time out, time out.

You're fucking strange.Time... time out, guys.

Oh...

Listen, Amy?

It seems like you want
to be arrested.

What's up with that?

[exhales]

Fine. You know how
I just had a baby, right?

No, but go on.

Really? That's weird.

It was, like, very important,
like, viral news,

that I had a baby.
Okay.

All right. Anyway,
I had a baby, and-and...

well, it really fucked me up.

How? Was the birth,
uh, rough or something?

No. No, nothing like that.
No, it fucked my careerup.

TOLBECK and CULLEN: Oh...Yeah. Yeah.

Turns out having a baby
wasn't, like, "on brand"

for me, or whatever.Did you say
"on brand"?

Yeah. All the offers
I'm getting now for work

are, like... like,
uh-uh, for a mop commercial.

Okay.That's how the industry
sees me now.

Mm-hmm.I'm just, like,
a fucking mopping mom,

who mops.

Well, that is different
from what you'd done before,

but change is good.

Come on!

Okay.AMY: Keep it
one hundred.

Let's do it.

I'm sorry, one hun...
that just means,

like, be
completely honest.

TOLBECK: With each other.It's like a new,
generational thing.

Why do youknow that?

AMY: Listen, you don't
know anything about me,

and you don't know anything
about my baby.

My baby hates me.
Hates me!

Mm-hmm.
AMY: I had one of
those water births,

and as soon as my baby
came floating out,

with all the blood, turds,
and you know, regular turds

and... yellow turds,

like, just a bunch of turds...Yeah.

[sighs] It just reminded me
of when I was younger.

I was in this local pool,

and, um, my mom
had made me this,

like, fucked up
lentil thing

for lunch, you know?

And I just kind of

over-trusted a fart,

and... I knew
my life was ruined.

Mm.And right then, I-I saw that

doggy paddling nearby

was Christina Tasuji,
and I just...

I just kind of moved
my bathing suit to the side,

and... [sighs]

I let it creep out.

I just kind of
splashed it over her way.

And once
it was bobbing

around her,
I just yelled,

"Christina pooped in the pool!"Mm-hmm.

"Look, everyone, she deuced!"

And all the kids,
they just

freaked out,
you know, kids.

They're so mean.Mm-hmm.

They just started screaming,

and they just
made fun of her, and...

and that was her nickname
for the rest of high school.

What?

Christina Ta-poo-ji.
Like "poo."

Yeah.

And then, like, 11 years later,
her uncle overdosed.

That's a horrible story.AMY: Yeah.

[tearful]:
This is really hard on me.TOLBECK: Mm-hmm.

I really trust you guys,

'cause I don't usually
tell anybody this.

[Amy crying]Okay.

AMY:
I mean...

my baby...
he's always been with me.

Women are born
with all their eggs.

He was in that pool
with me that day.

On a cellular level,
he knows that I'm a bad person,

and he won't let me forget it.

Look, I'm sure he'll
grow to love you...

No, he won't![quietly]: Ow.

Look, it's done between us.

See, this isn't about me,
or my baby who hates me.

This is about something
bigger than that.

This is about my career.

All right?
Okay. Okay.

And it's over.
Okay. So--

And to correct that, you want
to get a criminal record?

I don't get that.No. I get it.

She wants
a mug shot, right?

You want to do
a perp walk.Yeah.

You know,
like Nick Nol-tay.

Like Nicholas fucking Nol-tay.

Yeah, he got
a best-selling memoir

after he got arrested.Mm-hmm.

Reese Witherspoon,
she cursed out a cop.

Big Little Emmy.TOLBECK: Mm.

Okay?Are we saying Nol-tay?

Yeah, Nick Nol-tay.That's his name,
Nick Nol-tay.

Okay. I guess
it makes sense.

But I'm sorry, we can't
help you out tonight.

We got something else
to do, so, I'm sorry.

Well, I guess
I could write her up.

[exhales]
What's that?

Well, I'd write you
a ticket,

you show up in court
and contest it.

Ooh!Yeah, that would
make news.

A lot of people would pay
attention to that.

Oh, my God. I'm kind of
loving that. A day in court?Mm-hmm.

I get a day in
court? Pencil skirt.

Yes, bitch.AMY [chuckling]: Okay.

Amazing. Can you
roll down your window?

Yeah, sure.
Why?

Joe! Joe!

TOLBECK: Who is Joe?AMY: My lit agent.

Joe! Oh.There he is.

Evening, gentlemen.
How's it going?Great.

Joseph Farrell.Okay.

Jose-- Joe Farrell.Are you the guy

who was having sex
with her by the dumpster?

That wasme.Wow.

I was wearing
a fake beard.
Huh.

Wow, you were really quick.Hey.

Thanks, man.
AMY: Joe, get
a picture of me

getting arrested.
I look pissed.

From from above, flash,

really high up, so it looks
like I'm, like, sick.JOSEPH: Absolutely.

Yeah, I love it.Like I lost the baby weight.

Looks really good.Okay, and, and then, this one,

you guys, like, kind of,
be screaming at me.

I don't know if
we should be in it.

Yeah. You guys, it's fine.

Uh, it feels
kind of staged.
Okay. And then

this one, we're sexual,

this one's kind of, like,
sexual.I don't like-- Okay.

JOSEPH: Oh,
America hates you.

Okay, I think that's gonna
work great.All right.

There you go.AMY: Yeah, you got it.

And I'm back on the map.
Right, Joey?

Well, it was nice meeting you,
thank you. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Oh. Wow. She didn't even
say goodbye.

No. I guess that's
how she rolls.

Sad.

Hey, I wanted to tell you.

Uh, remember when she was
talking to us earlier

about you and I together,
with her?

Looking into
each other's eyes,

and she would do it
for nine dollars?

Yeah, I remember that.

I just want you to know, I...

I have the nine dollars.

Why are you
telling me that?

Because I thought
you didn't want to do it

because you didn't have
nine dollars.

No, that wasn't the reason

I didn't do it.
Oh, well,

I just want you to know,

if we're ever
in that situation again...

I have nine dollars.

You know what
I'm saying?I know what you're saying,

I just don't know why
you're saying it.
Okay.

Let's go to
the shit sewer, huh?Yeah, shit sewer.

♪ I want to be tantamount
to cordial ♪

♪ Tantamount to good

♪ She can't make it to her car

♪ Without making... Oh, he's so cute.

I want to have a baby one day.

Oh. Here.

♪ Everybody hollering her name No, I mean my own...

Right....baby.

♪ She's making friends

♪ I'm turning stranger

♪ The people on her end

♪ Couldn't make it plainer

♪ Sometimes I wish
we'd never came here ♪

♪ Seeing as I'm held
in such disdain here... ♪

MAN:
Guh-doosh.

[whip cracking]

[drums beating, tribal grunt]

Captioning sponsored by
CBS

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org