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Gorgeous hotel, huh? - Yeah, spent my honeymoon here actually

Two of my honeymoons here - We went to Pittsburgh, very much like this

So uhh, how many times you been married anyway? - 5

6 depending on how you count - Hey we're up

Lemme ask you something, divorce is killing me Do you have any advice?

They're all pretty tough. Actually one wasn't so bad. I signed the papers in front of the church

Right before the next wedding. I really wanted to sign the papers on the wedding night

But I couldn't find a notary to go for it. - Sure, where would he stamp?

Well, I'm never gettting married again I'll tell you that - Sure you are

No, no never!

My wife left me for an Audio Video salesman, can you believe that? I'm a doctor! - That sucks.

What do you do? - Audio Video salesman

And stores Chain of stores

Well, I'm turning over a whole new leaf down here Completely different approach with women

From now on I'm paying for it by the night

I have two marriages would've worked out alot cheaper that way

It's not the ex-wives killing me, it's my daughter She absolutely refuses to talk to me

Been there

Just keep trying, she'll come around - If it's one thing I could change ...

Here we are

Well uhh, you ready? - I'm terrified, but this is great

Yeah right he died, parasailing in Mexico

Okay is this a sequel to last year's motorcycle accident?

How did he put you up to this anyway?

I don't think I can handle Going back for this without you

Are you sure you can take the days off? -It's not even an issue

Thank you

I'm not going back for you

I'm going to meet chicks

All those ex-wives of his, all grief-stricken and vulnerable - I love you

What was he doing parasailing?

Goddammit

You know the last thing I ever said to him

Was that "I never wanna see your stupid face again"

Oh God, this is totally him Drops me an email says he's in an accident

That he needs my help and No one answers his damn phone

I'm sure he's fine baby If not somebody else would've called too

Oh, I don't wanna see them either I don't want any of it

Marry me, Barbara LeFay

You realise you're proposing to me on the phone while I'm pumping gas, how am I supposed to say yes?

Hey I tried at the beach, I tried at the church I even tried after sex

When we got stuck in that elevator

That was you? - That's very funny

I even tried at the scoreboard at the Giants game Everybody says "Yes" when you propose on the scoreboard

But not you - So why do you keep asking?

Cause you never say "No" - I always say "No"

Yeah but you never mean it

Listen, it can't be as bad as you remember

You're older, they're older When's the last time you were back there?

4 years okay? I haven't even met this wife Autumn

Her name, is Autumn - Why didn't you go back for the wedding?

It was an impulse thing in Bora Bora Some Polynesian voodoo ceremony

I don't wanna be here ...

Alright, stop

Close your eyes Close 'em

Take a deep breath

Pretend you're in an elevator - You're so stupid

Trust me everything's gonna be fine - Promise?

I promise

Thank you - Anytime

I love you like a fat kid loves cake - I love you too. Bye

Oh great. Great!

You'd better be Goddamn seriously injured

You must be Barbie. I'm Autumn. - It's nice to meet you

My gosh, you're practically my age. How old are you? - I'm 28

Me too!

Get out - Wow I love your scarf, can I borrow it?

Yeah, yeah of course

Listen Henry's upstairs, your grandma's in the kitchen if you wanna say "Hi" while I go grab him

Barbie Rose Lefay!

There's nothing wrong with you? I knew it, you son of a bitch

Who do ya love?

Hey matey, Henry Lefay here or should I say Long John Henry Lefay. Maybe I will ...

I still write all these myself

Is that the pirate one? - Yeah ma

How many times do I have to watch that big steaming cow pie? - Ma, you love this

You said you were in an accident

When?

In your email, you said you were in a motorcycle accident You need my help

I do need your help But that accident was just a fender bender

Hey look at the size of this thing Same guys did the scoreboard at the Yankees stadium

Big image quality Makes you feel like you're a part of the action

Last night we were watching Bodyheat Felt like I was banging Kathleen Turner myself

He did

How come you never returned my calls?

Ooh look at the time We gotta change

I got a gig tonight I want you to go

Gig?

What do you mean a gig?

That was good

So, how did you guys meet?

Oh, through my parents Henry used to date my mother

Oh no no no, not recently When they were in junior high school

Bet you thought it was something weird - Weird! No, why?

Okay I know it bothers some people that Henry's twice my age, but guess what

I asked him out

I've always been attracted to more mature men It's just my thing

Well this old dog's not complaining

Barbie doll this marriage is different, it really is I'm a man at peace y'know

It's like I met you 25 years ago

Of course 25 years ago she didn't even know how to wipe herself - She does now

Daddy

Why do you need my help?

It's the business

Veronica's gotten totally impossible Y'know she's never forgiven me for leaving her

And now she's squeezing me with her 50%

We don't see eye-to-eye on anything

But she's always liked you

Plus you got the MBA I bought ya ...

You didn't buy me an MBA

You know what I'm talking about

I just figured you could help us iron some things out And in the meantime while you're here

You can get to know your new stepmom

Nobody knows us there

They will darlin', they will

Henry, I lived in New York City They laugh at you

With me They always laugh with me

Barbie?

You really want my advice? - Yeah yes

My advice is, one of you should sell out your share to the other and be done with it

I've offered She won't buy

She won't sell She's holding on out of sheer honorary spite

C'mon Barbie's here, let's do this - Fine

Do what?

Stockholders' meeting. I'm here representing my 50% - And I'm here representing mine

Okay what's the first thing you do at stockholders' meeting? - Approve the minutes of the last meeting

There was no last meeting

Then it's approved

Alright, those in favor say "Aye" - Aye aye

Alright, old business? - No old business

New business?

I move that both Henry Lefay And Veronica Caraminjo

Each make a gift of 1% Of commerce stock in the company

To one Barbara Lefay

To me?

Motion approved I need a second, I'll second it

Those in favor say "Aye" - Aye!

Motion carries unanimous

Wait ... Why are you giving me stock?

He hasn't explained this to you?

Classic

You are as bad a partner

As you are a husband

Did you know he actually cheated During our wedding reception?

Technically that was not cheating since I was married To her before I was married to you

[Cursing in Spanish]

Please please English I love it when you curse at me in English

Why are you giving me stock Hello?

Henry wants to do a Martin Luther King Day sale It's offensive

No it's not offensive. It's to get a jump on President's Day.

If you just think outside the box for once V Just for once

Abe Lincoln, Martin Luther King Two of the same kind

Great Americans shot down by racist assassins Both get their own holiday

What about that doesn't scream 20% off?

But New York first Please let's vote on it, my 49% says let's expand

49 opposed

Uhm don't look at me, I don't care

You gotta care That's why we gave you the 2%

So what, I get deciding vote on everything And you guys give me no arguments

Agreed - That's the deal

Okay fine forget the City It's an awful idea

Thank you

An inventory-driven business like this Starting up one store in a major market

You couldn't possibly afford the media plan To justify that

What did I tell you?

But V, as for marketing and advertising, my 2% goes behind Dad

No matter how stupid or offensive his ideas may be

He's made you rich off making A fool out of himself

So deal with it.

Martin Luther King Day? Knock yourself out

I'm sure I'm not making either one of you happy But that is my 2% worth

And if you don't like it, You can take your damn stock back

And leave me alone

I'm happy - It's good

Hey don't walk away so fast You're my only child

I never get to see you Besides I know it's crappy

How I tricked you into coming down here

So I'd like to make it up to ya

Blue skies Smiling at me

Nothing but blue skies Do I see

I've arranged a day of beauty for you - A day of beauty?

Don't get all big-city on me Barbie doll

Remember where we came from

Terri-Lee's House of Beauty

9 am tomorrow morning Service already been paid for

Just you and Autumn

Me and Autumn ... terrific Look Dad I really gotta go back

Listen, I really need you to do this for me Autumn really respects you

Here it comes

I want you to tell her I want a divorce

A divorce?

I'm not telling her that

Right ... Probably something I should tell her But you could tee it up for me

You can tell her what a sleazebag I am

You're my daughter It'll mean something come from you

Daddy, if you don't respect the institution of marriage At least respect what it means to the people you marry?

I respect the institution of marriage I respect the living crap out of it

But this I knew was a mistake I knew it coming down the aisle

It wasn't even an aisle It was a dirt path

Polynesian witch doctor holding us upside-down And shaking us

I don't even think this one was legal

This is wife No. 5 Dad

And you haven't even been married a year yet

Look, she's way too young

But she seems like

A really sweet girl And she's obviously

Crazy about you You can't take the easy way out this time

Why don't you try marriage counselling Try whatever you have to

But this time you have to get serious with yourself and at least try!

You're right, you're absolutely right

I should do whatever it takes To make this one work

And I think you'll be happy in the end This is something that could change

Everything In your life

It's just one problem - What is that?

I'm already engaged to somebody else

What?

Yes I know I know I know ...

But this gal She's like a wild cat in the sack

This is the one that'll finally screw Your old man into the ground

Daddy, I'm your daughter

Dad, you cannot have a new fiancee You are married to Autumn

That's why I need your help

Who do ya love?

I'm just gonna stop in at the store apparels Was gonna get mom a present

You wanna come in?

Uh nah, I'm just gonna wait for you out here - Okay

Oh good I found you

You lying scumbag! - Hey hey

Why are we Throwing teddy bears at me?

I'm giving you back Everything you ever gave me

Selfish jackass

What did I do? - You were sleeping with your wife

While we were still married

I did ... my wife? - Autumn

You told me you didn't even meet her Until after we were divorced

Which divorce? The first or the second one?

Uhh you liar

Our mutual colorist has told me The whole sordid tale

I don't want any of this anymore Nothing from our vacations

Nothing from your stupid commercials

Ooh especially this

What the hell?

Wait wait wait ... I bought you this?

Of course you did

When we went to St. Lucia

And we snuck off to the dormant volcano Just before midnight you gave it to me

To wear under my dress

I've never been to St. Lucia

Okay show's over Yup

Keep movin' people Thank you

Stop staring

Hey I got an idea

Lunch?

Didn't know she was in town? - No

Hey guys

Well well Hey Barbie Lefay

God we're all getting older Aren't we?

Sarah Jane ...

And you

I remember you - Hey Barbie, how are ya?

So, what brings the big girl back to the small town?

I'm just straightening out some family stuff

With what? Our faith-healer?

Ohh, I see all those years since high school Haven't affected your charm

I uh, I hear you're living In California now

So, uh Big business

Uh, it's kinda It's a consulting firm

What are you doing?

Uhm I'm still over at Friendly Freddy's

Yeah - Okay

I manage it now

Well uh, Some things don't change much at all

Some things do

I have a dream ...

That one day

This Saturday as a matter of fact

You can save up to 10% on big screen TV

My dream is that This Martin Luther King Day

You can exercise your Civil Rights

By marching over to Henry Lefay's For big savings on audio equipment

My dream

Is that if you're looking For the best prices on portable DVD players

Nobody has to ride At the back of the bus

And this weekend only Delivery is finally free at last

Thank God almighty It's free at last

He was young and handsome And just plain more fun

Than any man that I'd ever met

So you went out with him I get that

You had a good time But you had to have seen what he was like

Why would you marry him?

Do you remember that big stuffed pig That was in your bedroom

When you were little?

Yeah

That big hideous thing

Do you know where that came from?

One time, when we were engaged Henry took me to the carnival

And we played that game where we Squirt the water gun into the clown's mouth

And you win a little stuffed animal

And if you keep playing You get a bigger stuffed animal

Well Henry played for hours

And spent God knows how many dollars

Until he won that grotesque Enormous stuffed pig

So he decides It's gonna be

A part of the family

And we take it everywhere It goes on all of our dates

It even got to my mother's house My mother's house

Thanksgiving okay Makes her set him a plate

Ties a napkin around its neck

We get on the plane to go to Hawaii For our honeymoon

And there in the window seat

Next to us Is the pig

Henry bought it a ticket And arranged the whole thing

Wow

I don't know what happened To that ugly old pig

Oh baby I know it's hard

But I really want you To go over to your father's house

And make things better

Find a way

Get away from me Put down that knife

Oh no Not this again!

Help! Help!

You are dead!

Oh crap!

Hey Barbie - Hi

You are really dead!

I mean it Henry! This time I'm gonna cut it off!

Where are you?!

Hey Barbie, when did you get into town? - Uhh a couple of days ago

One of the neighbours called in. What's going on?

Well, Ophelia's chasing my Dad around With a carving knife

Y'know when they got divorced I thought these calls would stop

We all wake and dream Can't we?

Hey look They're naked this time

Okay so Henry and I were involved in Let me say this tastefully

O-R-A-L And he answered his cell phone

And then he tries to explain away by saying it was his fiancee

It was - You have a fiancee?!

Okay, speaking of fiancees and wives Where's Autumn?

She volunteers at the Food Bank One night a week

How convenient

Isn't it?

Okay can I just get a minute alone With my father?

I best get going anyway

Can you give me a ride home, honey?

But first be a dear And help me find my bra

What are you doing screwing around with Ophelia When you are engaged to someone else

When you're married to someone else

She came over here She wanted to get it on

What am I supposed to say? - Uhh, no?

Barbie doll You don't understand

Around Ophelia I'm powerless

Seriously, I know she's wacky as a waterbug She's probably gonna kill me in my sleep

But when that woman gets around me I turn into jelly

So why are you engaged to another woman?

Why don't you just marry Ophelia For the third time

And make it stick

You saw her chase me around here naked With a butcher knife

Y'know what we used to call that When we were married?

What?

Tuesday

God help me That crazy ass blonde is the only one that matters

That woman is hands down

Without a question the one true love Of my life

Awww ...

You're the one true love Of my life too honey

Isn't he adorable?

Oh Barbie, did your Dad tell you About our day of beauty?

Oh, y'know what Autumn It sounds great but I gotta go home ...

Barbie doll You don't have to leave yet

How could you break This little girl's heart?

Y'know your Dad's been so encouraging about me Redecorating his house making it my own

I was thinking of the billiard room

Off the kitchen area

Making it into a little breakfast snuck

Where we can snuggle up in the morning With our coffee and read the paper

Listen Autumn, Just be careful about idolising my father

You know his history with women, right?

It's the age thing, isn't it? You can't seem to get past that, can you?

No it's not that. I mean there is that

But I'm worried about you

Making plans, and ... - Barbie

Forgive me for saying so, but ... I think I know him a little bit better

Than you do at this point

And with men of this type I mean sometimes

You just have to catch them at the right age When they're finally ready to settle down

In my heart Henry is a true romantic I know it sounds crazy but why do you think

He's gotten married so many times

He honestly believes there's such a thing As happily ever after

Can I help you, miss?

What do you think that kid could be thinking?

Oh I know what he's thinking

He's thinking "No one is ever Gonna have sex with me"

You used to have that job - Mm hmm

And you used to be that girl Right over there watching

Is that what you were thinking? - Maybe

Did you ever get married? - No

Boyfriend - Yeah

So uh what's the deal with you and Sarah Jane Wasn't expecting that

How long have you guys been together? - No no no, she was just pulling your chain

We're not together

Anyway, I don't see where you got called to say anything After the way you broke my heart

What do you mean the way I broke your heart? You dumped me

After I heard about you and Johnny Ferrigno On the band trip

Johnny Ferrigno ... I barely remember that

I made out with him, didn't I?

That's what I was told

I know why you did it too

Is that a fact? - It is

When we got towards the end of senior year You thought I was gonna ask you to marry me

Yeah I was no fool Barbie Anybody could take one look at you

And see that you weren't gonna spend the rest of your life

In a town this size with a kid named Stevie Peevee

Who danced with a drunken elephant

Is that right?

I could tell you were the type that Wanted to settle down and get married early

You always had that serious side

Yeah I guess maybe I had that

So, who is the lucky girl that Actually got you?

Nobody ...

Nobody even close

I should go It's nice seeing you

Why do I have to do this? - C'mon, she's gonna be your new stepmom

Think about Autumn - What?

With Autumn, I almost got married and divorced Before you even got a chance to meet her

I don't want that to happen again

I feel like I'm cheating I don't even know this one's name

I'm assuming you do

Her name? She did this thing last night

That made me forget my name

Here's the little princess right now Honey, meet your new stepmom

Hi Barbie

Wait, you were Sarah Jane's babysitter?

How did I not know that?

Were you aware of anything that happened To me when I was 13?

And then I was 3 years behind Barbie in high school

Honey I told you this whole thing On our first date

Don't you remember?

Yeah well on our first date My mind was already south of the border

If you know what I mean

Lovely

Oh this doesn't bother you Does it Barbie?

Your father and me?

Bother me? Not at all

Because if it did, well

That would kinda suck for you

Don't worry Mommy, I'll be fine

You guys talking bout a pre-nup yet?

I don't think this is really a good ...

Y'know honey, that's okay

Look, I understand that you're skeptical

Your Dad walked out on you When you were a kid

And we all knew that that left you With some major trust issues

Which probably screwed up every relationship You've ever had

Even to this day - Daddy

Outside

Now!

Blue skies smiling at me ... - Aww

Don't even think of trying to charm Your way out of this one

Sarah Jane just likes to talk too much That's all

She's a bitch on wheels okay Ever since high school

She was a freshman I didn't invite her to some party

I didn't even know what I did

Just don't expect me to be nice to her

Just give it time

Everything has a way of working itself out

No, things don't work themselves out

What happens is You do what suits you at the moment

And then you assume someone's gonna Come along and clean up your mess

And someone always does Usually me

Okay, come back inside I'll buy you one of those molten chocolate cakes

A molten choc ...

I'm sure you'll like Sarah Jane Once you get to know her better

Don't call her Mommy

It's really gonna tick her off

I am so done with this

C'mon Barbie doll Who do ya love?

I got a new ticket to fly outta here tomorrow And I never wanna see your stupid face again!

This is gonna be a circus You have no idea

Alright, I'll buy us some cotton candy We'll be fine

Guess he wasn't too hung up On the whole PC fan, huh?

Sweetheart Ohh baby ...

Hi I'm Kate

Lloyd ... It's a pleasure to meet you

Yeah, you too

I'm sorry it's not under happier circumstances

How long has it been since you talked To your father?

About a year

When he tricked me into coming in last fall

My condolences I'm sure this is uh ...

Sure this is rough on you two

I did all my crying over losing Henry Lefay a long time ago

I won't be selfish about Henry's memory

He spent the earlier stages of his life With several other women and

I wanna make sure that they're Treated like family

At the viewings And sitting upfront with us at the funeral

That'll mean alot to my Mom And the others

Alot of women Would be more jealous of his past

I'm very secure in the journey that Henry and I shared together

There's no point in troubling myself For the experience before we even met

What is the granola queen Going on about now?

Uhmm, Autumn is talking about Henry - Henry is dead, what is she saying?

That they had a good marriage

Just don't let her say any crystals - Oh, okay

Are you hungry Mae, or thirsty?

What?

Can I get you something to eat or drink?

Don't shout at me Get me some water

Where's Henry?

He's gone, Grandma He passed away

I'm gonna get you that water

Okay? I'm gonna grab that

That's good

What can i do to help with the arrangements? Cause I know Dad never thought

He was ever gonna die So I'm sure there's alot of things

That needs to be figured out

It's all under control Henry made all the arrangements in advance

It's one of the many ways your father changed In the time since you've known him

I think that Henry's

Spiritual quest was brought on in part by a sense That a transition might be coming

He wrote me the most beautiful letter

Outlining all the details of the funeral that he wanted

Pallbearers, music, everything

He even picked out a plot at Shady Glen Under a great white oak

All of us someday beside him

And really, the only problem is in getting The American Consulate in Mexico

To help us get his body released And shipped up here but

Veronica's taking care of that

He's still in Mexico?

Wait

I mean I'm surprised that you would come back without him

Oh

I wasn't in Mexico with him You didn't know that?

The trip was something that

Henry had to do on his own

Sort of a

Spiritual retreat

But between you and me

There is something going on down there Some element of his quest

That he didn't want me To know about

I think he may have found Some sort of shaman

Or maybe even started Experimenting with peyote

Peyote my ass He was in Mexico screwing someone else

And the bimbo ran him and left his body to rot

Any suspects?

Wife No. 2 Wife No. 4

Isn't that the same person?

Welcome to the circus

Hello ... Ophelia?

It's Barbara

Are you in here?

Hello?

Oh boy ...

Barbie ...

Oh my God You look just like him

What's gonna happen to us, huh?

Y'know I never stopped loving that man

No matter who he was married to No matter who I must marry too

It's okay ...

And who is this ...

Tall handsome prince

That's my boyfriend Lloyd Lloyd, say hello to Ophelia ...

Charmed

Not half as much as I am

Can I get you a glass of Cabernet, Lloyd?

It's too bad you weren't in town last week

You would've watched me star in A local production of 'Grease'

I got to relive high school - I'm sure that was really something to see

Well, maybe when this is all done I'll give you a little private sample

Barbie ...

We should talk about the funeral arrangements

Actually aside from getting his body back Into the country

Autumn has it all under control

Daddy worked everything out in advance Right down to the burial plots

Burial plots?

No ...

Henry wanted to be cremated

Cotton candy time ...

He wrote me this beautiful letter Specifying exactly how he wanted

His funeral down to the smallest detail

He didn't trust Autumn to do it right I'm sure

No, Henry wanted to be cremated And have his ashes spread over the ocean

From a catamaran Off the Bahamas

You have this in writing?

We once made love there I'm one of those

Anyway talk to the other wives Ask Veronica

She's on everyday I'm sure she knew he wanted to be cremated

Lloyd ... - Yeah

Have you ever experienced the pleasure Just inches away

From a live barracuda?

Uhmm ...

Honey?

Come inside

Look, why don't you go downstairs And check out the new Ipods?

Okay, but if there's gonna be a scion I wanna watch

Please go, I'll be there in a few

Veronica Hi ...

I'm ...

Grateful to have you in here

In such a painful time

Yeah ...

Uh, you're taking this alot Harder than I expected

Considering that you guys spent pretty much The last 10 years

At each other's throats

We remain business partners For so long because

We were the best of friends

Underneath

V ...

Can I ask you something?

Did Daddy wanted to be cremated?

No!

Why would you think that?

That's what Ophelia says

Ophelia is a manipulative lunatic

Henry wanted to be buried

At Pleasant Meadows

At Pleasant Meadows ... - Yeah

Autumn said that they have plots together At Shady Glen

We have plots side by side At Pleasant Meadows

Henry wanted us to be buried Next to one another

Y'know Autumn is his wife

Please, nobody takes that seriously

Si?

[Speaking in Spanish]

American Consulate in Mexico

[Continues speaking in Spanish]

A hah ...

So, so you're trying to locate the woman

Who'd been staying at the hotel with him

Excellent

[Speaking in Spanish]

Adios

Hah!

They didn't want to release the body If the woman he was staying with

Was still in Mexico

But because they can't figure out Who the hell she is

They decide to turn him Over to us

He'll be in the contract tonight

And at the Ithaca airport In the morning

Okay ... this is good news I guess

Yeah

Good news That they're sending him back

Awful news

That he was down there with somebody

I don't know if I'm ready To see your Dad in a casket

You don't have to It's closed

Closed?

Well everyone

Had a different opinion So I suggested that we close it

At least for now

I think it's barbaric That people wanna look at the body anyway

Yeah, but he's been in an accident They wanna know he's okay

Miss Lefay?

I'm John Goodenough

From the funeral home If there's anything we can do

Please see me directly

Thank you

I did not have the privilege of knowing Your father personally

But from everything That I've been hearing

It's clear he brought a lot of love To a lot of people

You have no idea

While I have you Would you happen to know if

There's been a resolution Regarding the cemetery?

I've been told it's Pleasant Meadows

I've also been told it's Shady Glen

I know you think Henry wanted To be buried

At Shady Glen - He did want

To be buried at Shady Glen

We picked out those plots Only last year

But he gave out the payment On Pleasant Meadows

Even after that I can show you The cancelled cheques

Veronica?

I appreciate that you are Henry's partner

But please don't forget That I was his wife

Please keep your voices down

Has anyone here happen to speak To the American Consulate in Mexico?

No

Why?

Barbie?

Not now

What?

Really mom Later

Please!

Apparently

Daddy wasn't alone in Mexico

I knew it Was he with some sort of shaman?

There was ...

A woman

Staying with him at the hotel

And they couldn't find her And they don't know who she was

Autumn

Okay maybe we should

Give you some time to yourself okay So mom?

Grandma?

Grandma?

V, let's go

It's all mine

The will says Every last penny goes to me

Henry's half of the business Everything

I even have half interest in those Precious plots of yours

At Pleasant Goddamn Meadows And the only thing

Going into the ground come Friday Is worms

Or your bones bitch If you try and cross me

Hello hello Sorry I'm late

Who's in charge here?

John Goodenough Funeral Director

Ophelia Parker The bereaved

Well, the most deeply bereaved I'm sure

Listen, I bet

A good-looking Father like yourself Would know where to get a lady

A Vodka Collins hmm? - Excuse me?

With lime Thank you darling

And some McNuggets I get hungry when I drink

Where is the ...

Henry

The body?

Oh! In the viewing room

Thank you ever so much

Oh, and

Two extra thingies of the Tangy honey mustard sauce

Thank you gorgeous

Were you all waiting for me?

Henry ...

Closed casket

I didn't realize it was this bad

I wanted a closed casket because

I believe when someone dies

He deserves his privacy And not to be gawked at

So he wasn't disfigured?

No

Oh thank God

Look at us here together

It's like the reunion we never had

Let's hold hands

C'mon, for Henry!

We have things we share in common With nobody else in the world

We've all known the better ...

We've all known the worst ...

In all four of Henry Lefay's marriages

Five!

Oh yes

Two of which were to me of course

Which does give me a sort of seniority ...

Screw you!

Honey, I'm just trying to say That though we may all think

We know how Henry Wanted to say goodbye to this earth

He did write it all down for me In a deeply personal letter

So I stopped And I made copies on the way

That's why I was late

I've got my own letter too Exactly exactly like this

In mine he wanted a Catholic priest

Did you say Catholic?

In a pig's eye

Timeout!

I'm the current wife

I'm making the decisions About the ceremony

You know, A good compromise would be his childhood pastor

If I wanted your opinion I would've asked for it

Get it?

May I say something About the casket?

What about the casket?

I think it should be open People want to see that he's alright

Mom, will you stop saying that, It's screwed up

No! I agree with Kate

Open open open!

I am the wife

Me!

I make all the decisions

About everything

Right

But Henry did want to be cremated

Well that's not happening

Well it's what he wanted

Nobody is getting cremated

So just stick it up your ass!

Oh no no no no no ...

Hey!

You're gonna tip it over!

Stop!

Oh Daddy Daddy Daddy What have you done now?

It's not right

You're not supposed to bury Your own children

You raised a great man

I raised a selfish prick

But ... he was He was always good to me

So ...

That's something - Yes

Hello

Is Henry Lefay in this box?

Yes

You mind if I just stand here with you For a bit?

No no no not at all ...

I'm ...

Barbara Lefay

Henry's daughter

How nice to finally meet you

I'm Effa

Effa Devereaux?

I was Henry's very first wife

Well I'm sure some of you know about The time that

Henry dropped out of college

And went to Chicago To try to be a blues musician?

Well the very week

That boy got into town

I ain't gonna lie

He knocked me right off my feet

But pretty soon I could see he didn't belong in Chicago

With or without me So ...

After 3 months

We got an annulment

And I sent him back home To New York

Never saw Henry Lefay

Or heard his voice again

There are no paper towels In the ladies' room

Grandma!

She doesn't work here

Uhm I'm sorry But I must ask you straight out

What exactly do you want here?

You must be Veronica

Well I don't want anything at all

In fact

I'll bet you dollars-to-donuts

I'm the only person in this room That doesn't have a will in her purse

With her name on it

Henry Lefay Never gave me nothing

And I don't expect Nothing from him now

Would you happen to be Kate?

Yeah

Y'know I would imagine this shock Is the biggest for you

Woman thinks she's the man's first wife

Is gotta be mighty unsettling

To find out she isn't

Y'know I truly regret Any pain this causes you

Can I ask you something?

Yeah

If you've been out of touch With my father since Chicago

How did you know so much About all of us?

The internet, honey

Yes, may've been about

Let's see about 5 years ago

Out of the blue don't you know

Henry Lefay up and tracks me down

And sends me an email

Just wanted to know Whatever happened to me, y'know?

What my life'd been like

And you know one thing led to another

And we've been emailing Each other ever since

Everyday

Every .. everyday?

Everyday

Get out

Well I didn't hear from him A few days

I just

Just got this bad feeling

And I thought

I'd better give that boy a Google

And sure enough

Well y'all know the rest

Apparently Henry's had All kinds of secrets

There's no reason not to believe this one

Oh not so fast

How do we know this isn't Some kind of a scam?

That you're not inserting yourself Into Henry's life

Under false pretenses just so You can get something from us

Later?

Oh you mean like the time You pretended you were pregnant

So Henry could leave Veronica

And marry your bony ass A second time?

Cause you are Ophelia Aren't you?

You've come a long way today Effa

I bet you you're hungry

Y'know what girl

I am feeling like a little pie With some ice cream

You know where I can get some?

There's a diner Across the green

Where they make A mean Dutch apple

For real?

My treat

Oh cool!

Anything that you want for yourself

You can ...

Have

Thanks

Good morning

You're here very early

I asked everyone to come an hour Before the viewing

So that we can figure out The minister issue

Ahh

Are the others here?

No, you are the first

Would you like to wait In the study?

Actually, if you guys don't mind

I'd like a few minutes Alone with Dad

Sure - Thank you

Thank you - Mm hmm

No no no no no ...

How long were you and Henry together?

About 15 years ... - Oh wow

Yeah it was crazy 15 years too I'll tell you

Where's what's his name? The funeral guy?

What about Ophelia? Have you seen her?

No?

B-Baby?

Whatever you do, Do not let Autumn into the viewing room

Why not?

Why not let Autumn into the viewing room?

Wait a second, wait

Don't, come here!

Who did this?

Autumn

Hang on a second

Hey!

Wait

Hey C'mon

Really Autumn?

Who said that you could cremate him?

One of the ex-wives

Ophelia?

Yes! Ophelia, that's her

I had no choice

Once the forms were signed

Ophelia has no legal standing Autumn is his wife

Orphelia brought me the form Signed by Autumn

She forged her signature?

I had no way of knowing that

No!

Whoa whoa whoa ...

Stupid!

Don't watch

Stay away from the hearse!

No, it's a classic!

Oh oh oh ...

I never give my car to the valet

Cool it!

All of you

I guess what I really do need to know is Do any of you

Want me to press charges?

That's real good Barbie Can you show me how to do that?

Maybe after the funeral But here's what I'm thinking, Pinky

We should charge her

For attempted homicide

And her for cremation fraud

And him for aiding And abetting a forger

Are those even laws?

You wanna find out?

No ... Not really ...

So as far as the criminal justice system Is concerned

I think we should all just pretend That this never happened

Well ... yeah ... I mean ... I ... I ... It ...

Okay

Thank you Pinky

Great to see you again

Real sorry about your Dad

Officer

You better watch it ...

Get in there now!

Now you listen to me

And you listen to me good

I intend to send my father off With a modicum of dignity

That is what I owe him And I am gonna give him that

Come hell or high water

So that means No more surprise cremations okay

No more demolition derby with the hearses

No more anything!

Except quiet

Dignified, respectable mourning

Have I made myself clear?

Yes

Alright then

And just so I make myself clear

We're spreading Henry's ashes In Bora Bora

The hell we are

That's where he was happiest

Guys, please

This coffee table is awfully dusty

You should use Pledge

Somebody better talk to this woman

Grandma!

Henry never gave a damn About Bora Bora

He wanted to be scattered Over the Pacific

From a catamaran

He should be buried At Pleasant Meadows

You mean, Bury his ashes?

Would you give us a minute?

We'll be in the viewing room soon

I know I'm intruding

But I'm actually kind of glad To find you guys all here together

I was the one Who was with Henry in Mexico

Who are you?

I was Henry's first wife

Oh ...

I was going to be his last wife

Tell them Barbie

It sucks I'm so sorry

It's all just too much For one day

I mean, I just lost my husband

And then someone goes And burns him up

And then

I, finally, He was gonna leave me?

And you ...

You knew

Put yourself in my shoes

Yes I knew about her

But my loyalty has to be

With my Dad And I didn't know

That Sarah Jane Was the one with him in Mexico

You mean, there were others?

Oh my God

He really ...

Really was

Happy

When we were in Bora Bora

I'm sure of it

I am too

That's why we wanna

Spread his ashes there

I think That's where he should live forever

I remember him happiest In Yosemite

He took me hiking there When I was 10

And he and my mother were still together

Up in the sun at the Dome And ...

He sat down on the ground

And I sat in his lap And we looked out

Into the mountains forever

And I don't remember any other time He held me nearly that long

He had such an enormous spirit

What if he could rest forever In all of those different places?

What if we divide up his ashes?

And each of us

Scatter a part of him In a place we remember him being happy?

Because if anyone deserves that kind of goodbye

It was Daddy, right?

I'm sorry

How did you know my mother?

Okay

So we have a new plan For Daddy's ashes

Where's Ophelia?

She's in the viewing room She wanted to be near him

And we didn't mind

Okay, let's go in there then

Ophelia?

Oh there she is!

Come on!

Ophelia!

[Speaking in Spanish]

Shoes! Shoes! Take off your shoes!

Go! - Okay!

For what it's worth I think Henry's ashes should be spread in Cancun

Do not Make me hurt you

Gimme my Henry!

Stop! Stop! - No!

What the hell do you think You're doing?

Henry wanted to be spread Over the Pacific

And I'm not

Gonna let some little Jenny-come-lately

Take him to Bora Bora Where he doesn't even speak the language!

Give him to me!

Y'know, some guys get turned on By this sort of thing

But not me I'm just saying

Some guys

Go go go go go!

So

What do we do now?

We could buy another urn

Maybe something a little sturdier

And leave it up there empty?

Or we can put something else in it?

Like what?

M-n-M's?

What's the point? There's nothing left of him

Oh Henry

I'm sorry I didn't spring for the ornate brass

You'd still be here now

He'd still be dead

Shut your face

You castrating Mexican twit

I am Spanish!

What in the sweet Lord of Jesus Are you people doing?

You people are the worst Fucking bereaved

I have ever seen in my life!

Excuse me

I've been conferring With Father Hoolahan

And I believe We've found a way

To blend the Catholic And Presbyterian ceremonies

But ...

The Polynesian Holy man just arrived And we were wondering

How you'd like us To work him into the service

Oh God

Whose mercies cannot be numbered

Except our prayers In behalf of your servant

Henry Lefay

Amen

And now if you'll turn to page 297 In your hymnals

I Can Hear My Savior Calling

You son of a bitch

But on that morning Sarah Jane can't get herself out of bed

I'm thinking to myself When's the next time I'm gonna be in Cancun

So with or without her I'm goin' parasailing

So I hired this family firm

That pulls you right up the beach Behind their boat

They don't speak much English

And with ..

Two couples Both on their honeymoon

And this single guy

Guy's name is Lipschutz

He's getting over his divorce By working his way through every hooker in Cancun

Heck of a guy

My safety vest was a lil tight So Lipschutz switches with me

I go up, have a great time It's really a lot of fun

He goes up

With the vest I just had on

Just had this thing on

Something snaps He falls like 150 feet into the water

Smack! They pull him out, that guy's dead

He's dead, I mean I freak out I lose it!

That could've been me I'm thinking

That just ...

That just could've been me

I took off, y'know?

I left my ID there All I had was my little fannypack

With a couple of hundred bucks

Which in Mexico Buys a lot of tequila

Next thing I know

I wake up passed out In the backseat of the car

In Tampico

I tried to call you But the hotel said you'd already left

Well, I figured You walked out on me

So after 2 days I had to get back to work

So I checked out And went home alone

Wait ... How did we hear that Daddy died?

The Mexicans They must've thought

Lipschutz was me And that I was Lipschutz

Well how did you get home From Mexico?

Just dumb luck

The border guard supervisor Grew up around here

Remembers me from all those commercials

Why wouldn't you give Someone a call?

Well at this point I didn't realise that

Anybody thought I was dead

And who am I gonna call anyway?

When I got home this morning I got to the house

Caterers setting up a party Woohoo ...

What's goin' on?

They're all at your funeral He says

Well I had to go see this

So I put on my suit

And here I am

So this Lipschutz ...

His family doesn't know?

And we've cremated him

And scattered his ashes All over a gas station

Alright ...

I got an idea I think you should come home with me

I left your bags in the back

Come on

I wanna spend one great day With my grandmother

Okay

Okay

I love you

I love you too

Listen I gotta say this

Uhmmm ...

Before this week I thought you were amazing

You know that

But after watching

Everything you did In the midst of all this insanity

Somehow holding together I have a whole new respect for you

They say for better or for worse

What is worse than this?

And you were flawless

Goddammit woman Marry me

Are you out of your mind?

Look at my family Look at every marriage I grew up around, I mean

So what are you saying? You never wanna get married no matter what?

I'm saying I never wanna marry wrong

Lloyd, no ...

That's not what I meant

Lloyd!

2 minutes?

Don't even think about it

This is ridiculous

I didn't like the way I left you last time

Mm hmm

Y'know when I thought you were gone I uhmm ...

This is like a second chance for us y'know

I know we got off track When I was a teenager

And I know we'll never be normal Father and daughter

But uh, y'know

Maybe

Maybe we can be some kinda friends

Right Okay

To a new beginning!

A new beginning

Quite a funeral huh?

What's with the medicine man? What was that all about?

You mean the Polynesian holy man?

Autumn said that he performed your wedding In Bora Bora

That was the guy?

But he had a red face

Our wedding had a blue face

Could've been a red face

It was pretty shitface

When I do go

No holy man of any kind

I'll just leave you some instructions On what to do with me

You gave everyone instructions okay Dad?

You got yourself buried at 2 different cemeteries And your ashes scattered off a catamaran

I'll just date your instructions So everybody knows it's the latest version

If Sarah Jane or anybody else Shows up with a later one

You can fight them tooth and nails

Just tell them it's all

Daddy this is exactly What I'm asking you to stop doing to me

Right right right right right ...

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Got it, got it

Have you talked to Autumn?

How pissed is she?

On a scale of 1 to 10 million

Gals are a lot tougher to deal with In divorce than when they're angry

That's how Veronica Ended up with half of the company

That's why I was hoping you could Kinda talk to Autumn a little bit y'know

Smooth things out

And you might wanna get A hold of that Lipschutz family

Let them know what happened

Me?

I can't call 'em

They're likely to be kinda pissed off

And don't mention that cremation thing

I don't think Jewish people Even wanted the right body

We have no ashes

Nah, you'll think of something

Goodbye

What?

Goodbye, I'm going back to California

Barbie

Barbara - Listen to me

You're never gonna change

Dad, and if you don't change I'm gonna lose my mind

Oh God I love you Dad

I love you more than You could possibly realise

But don't follow me

And don't sing

Oh hey sweetheart

Look

There's something I need To talk to you about

It's pretty serious

I wanted to wait till After the funeral

What?

I'm done

I only come here to tell you that I am Out of here, for good

What do you mean for good?

I've had it, Mom Taking care of Daddy every minute

Whether he's alive or not

Fixing everything that he breaks

Oh grow up!

Huh, do you think you're the only person With a family?

Roll with it

You've got so self-centered

What are you talking about?

Making the whole funeral about yourself

About me?

Yes

How you're gonna Give your father some dignity in death

That he didn't have in life

How narcissistic?

I was the one making this about myself?

What about those crazy women

That almost spilled that poor Lipschulz guy

Out of his coffin

And then cremated him huh?

They were just a bunch of sad women Trying to mourn the best way they could

Why are you so damn accepting All the time?

Even Ophelia After everything that happened back then

Why can't you

Just show some spine for once Instead of being the world's biggest doormat

My daughter would not speak To me that way

Spine?

You want me to show you Some spine?

This is your big permanent exit Out of New York

Why don't you just go back To San Francisco right now?

Is that some spine for ya Good enough spine?

I think when you get to a certain age

God starts to make you forget

Because

If you had to hold on To all those memories

It would just be too much to bear

Listen

Why don't you tell me A memory you haven't told me

A happy one

Huh?

Well, uh ...

How about uh ...

Hawaii

You were on vacation?

No no ...

I lived there

You lived in Hawaii When?

During the war After Pearl Harbor.

I lived near the naval base

Ohh ... We had such fun

I worked for this club

And the sailors

Would come in all week

They paid us And we split 60/40 with the house

W-w-what ...

What, the soldiers paid you for what? To dance?

Good heavens no! It was wartime

You get a sailor on leave

They're not interested in dancing

Ha ha ha ...

W-W-Wait ...

What are you saying?

That you were a hooker?

No! I was a party girl

What's the difference?

That, was much more patriotic

Ohh, this was so sweet of you To find all this time for me

Especially since your mother's in the hospital

What?

In the hospital What do you mean?

She went to the St. Jo's this morning

For that biopsy

You know that

Oh God

Oh, how did you - The doctor said it went well

Mom I'm so sorry

I'm sorry too

You got a bad deal huh

Spending all those years alone With just me

My life hasn't been that bad

You make decisions and Things work out how they work out

You know when you go to a restaurant

And your food comes

And you realised That you've ordered badly

That was me

I ordered badly

That's all

We can better won't Make that mistake

Mmm ...

But now

You'll make the other mistake

What other mistake?

Excuse me, visiting hours are over

I'll be quick I'm just gonna say goodnight to my mother

Hey

I was just closing up

Can I come in?

Yeah

Sure

You wouldn't believe, it but in California I'm a very together person

Believe it

I used to know you pretty well

Oh man

What a week

You have no idea

My father's dead

My father's not dead

My mother's sick and

My grandmother's a whore

You know what?

This is exactly how I felt With Johnny Ferrigno

It was like

I was trying to find My way out of something

That's what she meant

There's ordering badly

And the other mistake

Is not ordering at all

Okay Umm

Please don't hate me

I tried that once

Didn't work

Lloyd

Listen, there's umm

Something I wanna talk to you about

Lloyd Lloyd Let me call you back

Blue skies

Smiling at me ....

Nothing but blue skies

Do I see

This pile of dust Is all that's left of me

These are my ashes

My remains

No ... it's ground crap From the gas station

Okay?

Come on

You're drunk

Let's get you home

You know, I thought that

I kept moving

I could cheat death

That's what I thought

But that's not how it works Is it?

Someday I'm gonna be

Just as dead as Lipschulz here

And what did I leave?

What did Lipschulz leave?

Disappointed hookers in Cancun That's what he left

But not me

I got ...

I got half a business

And some really

Memorable commercials

And you ...

A better daughter than this Selfish asshole deserves

And I lost you, didn't I?

Ohh Dad ...

Y'know I-I

I really would like to change

I wanna change

No you don't

Nah ...

Nah, no I don't

But I did break up with Sarah Jane

Really?

Yeah

She wanted to keep the ring

So I said go ahead

Cubic zirconium anyway

So she threw it at me

Want it?

No, thank you

Then it's too bad

It's the real deal

Costs me 28 grand

Lemme see that

Hey Barbie doll Barbie Barb ...

Barbara

Have I touched anything?

I mean in your whole life Have I touched anything?

Look at me

What do you think?

I think

You're a walking miracle That's what I think

I'd just like to think It did not all come from your Mom

It didn't

Thanks

Thank you

Are you nervous?

Nah

Not when you've walked down the aisle As many times as I have

But you

You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen

Ready?

Yeah

I never thought I'd see them dance together

I'm so glad your Mom's okay

Of all your father's other wives She was always my favorite

Did your father tell you?

We're getting married again

To each other?

Of course!

Well, third time's a charm

Hmmm Look at you

You're a knockout, honey

Thanks

You think I could get away With wearing white?

Hey there

Been looking for you

Day's been kinda intense

I was just looking for some quiet

You know what?

I remember sneaking away From one of my weddings

Guessing a bridesmaid was involved?

Maybe

It's our song

May I?

Yes you may

You're gonna love being married

There's nothing like it in the world

Yeah

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