Original subtitles

‫We need to speak to ‫you in private

‫I'm really sorry

‫They're exceptionally ‫protective of their mother

‫Why aren't you with ‫someone your own age

‫I was with somebody else

‫I even thought that I ‫was going to marry her

‫Della this is ‫Heidi my associate

‫Will you marry me

‫Forever

‫It's a long time ‫even with the right person

‫And with the wrong person

‫It's a slow death

‫God

‫This is ‫This is not a no is it

‫No

‫So so that's a A yes

‫You don't have to get me a ring

‫Yes I do

‫Otherwise how will everybody ‫know that you belong to me

‫Very droll

‫I want to get you a ring

‫And I want to buy it

‫Ooo that is quite something

‫Morning Excuse the state of us

‫Just out for a run ‫Yeah we can see

‫How are you both during this ‫never-ending festive season

‫Actually we're in a rush ‫We're in a rush

‫Enjoy your er Exertions

‫He's going to have ‫to know eventually

‫Truth is I'd prefer it ‫if it was just for us

‫It seems illicit

‫Isn't that just ‫another word for wrong

‫Why do you want to marry me

‫Why marriage ‫Why not just us as we are

‫I knew I should have bought ‫that ring right there and then

‫Ok

‫I want to marry you because I ‫love you and I want to know

‫I want to know that it's just me and ‫you it's us forever

‫Satisfied Sorry

‫I never thought I'd ‫get married again

‫I never thought I'd ask again

‫seeing as last time ‫I'd barely got the question out

‫before I'd been dumped

‫Yeah ‫I hate how she did that to you

‫I think the point is

‫we have to be allowed to ‫hope that things can change

‫can get better

‫Otherwise we're not moving ‫forward we're just stuck

‫Stuck holding on to ‫some shitty past

‫So wise for one so young

‫Bugger off

‫Now can I please be ‫allowed to go back to sleep

‫or have you got any more wobbles ‫you'd like to share with the group

‫Bugger off yourself

‫She was my wife

‫The person I chose

‫The mother of my children

‫The woman I wanted to be with

‫That counts for something

‫Allows me to be the one

‫To save her from him

‫Hot Be careful Yes

‫They might surprise you ‫with their reaction

‫How was the drive

‫Dreamy until we got off the m5 ‫and Elsie completely lost her shit

‫It's ok though ‫she just wants the boob

‫Eimear this is Benjamin ‫Guessed as much How you doing

‫Yeah yeah I ‫Be gentle with my husband

‫Office Christmas party last night ‫Say no more

‫Ignore her ‫I'm suffering no ill effects

‫Yeah cos you're still tanked

‫I've missed you

‫How are you Patrick ‫Good to see you

‫And you Benjamin and you

‫Cavalry have arrived

‫Like the hair ‫Very um Borstal

‫Ooo

‫Land of no signal

‫Yeah there's a spot out by the ‫field I found you can get three bars

‫There is is there Granny

‫Can you er ‫Give me a hand Granny

‫You look painfully ‫thin darling

‫You always say that ‫however rotund I am

‫Well you've never been ‫rotund in your life

‫I saw 18 yellow cars granny

‫My goodness ‫that's so many yellow cars

‫Who's he

‫Hello Charlotte I'm Benjamin

‫She takes a while to warm up

‫With people she doesn't know ‫No offence Benjamin

‫That's a very wise ‫policy Charlotte

‫I've got to make a work call

‫Er er We um Er ‫We have some news

‫So I see Poor old Volvo

‫Let's go and see the Christmas ‫tree everybody It's Christmas

‫Christmas-time

‫Yay There's so many presents

‫Leo says you've ‫given my room away

‫Yours is the only south-facing ‫one so um

‫Benjamin's in here ‫working all hours

‫He's er well a master's isn't ‫the joke that it was in my day

‫And before you ask who's ‫paying for it I am

‫but he's going to pay me back

‫I wasn't going to ask

‫Honestly I didn't think you'd mind ‫You're hardly ever here

‫Time to put away childish ‫things and all that

‫Mum I really don't mind ‫It's fine

‫All they're all in diff ‫Yes I'm so sorry

‫And that is one for ‫Charlotte as well

‫Aw That's grim

‫Hey it's not my fault if ‫you're not getting any bro

‫Ooo Careful Leo ‫It's all good

‫What a hero Here you go

‫Right as reigning champion ‫I get to pick the first game

‫Thank you Ladies

‫It's the one we all love

‫You all right to be banker ‫Yeah

‫But can we trust him not ‫to dip his hand in the pot

‫Depends on the stakes

‫Um it's a grand sum of £1 ‫everybody puts in for each round

‫There are ten different ‫games in total

‫and if ‫by the end of boxing day

‫we haven't all got furious with ‫one another and given up

‫Della-gate 2009

‫One year it was one year

‫And might I add it was in response ‫to you doing a shitload of cheating

‫Language We've kind of ‫lost that battle already

‫Anyway we play ‫We play some more

‫someone wins usually dad

‫We're not making it sound like a lot ‫of fun but I promise you it is

‫Please play

‫Word to the wise Benjamin ‫it is a blood sport

‫I prefer to just sit back and watch ‫them tear each other to shreds

‫Sounds like a plan

‫Benjamin make yourself useful

‫Scorekeeper Lucky you

‫Is Patrick all right

‫Yeah last time I checked

‫How's he dealing with ‫you going back to work

‫Well ‫he survived that body blow

‫what with living in the ‫21st century and all

‫I just meant that today ‫he seems a bit um

‫And that has to be down to ‫me does it

‫We're good We're actually better ‫than we've been for a while

‫That's good you deserve it

‫Both of you do ‫I think Patrick

‫I think he's just adjusting to the ‫fact that everything is different

‫I mean I'd heard plenty enough ‫about your man there already

‫but Patrick missed out the part ‫about him being a stone-cold fox

‫Worth all the aggro I hope

‫I'm not telling you to upset ‫you I'm telling you

‫I'm telling you so that you ‫don't find out from anybody else

‫No it's not ‫gloating Ali it

‫Well ‫it's called common decency

‫Anyway look I've got ‫I've got to go

‫Yeah Take care yourself Bye

‫I couldn't find you ‫Sorry Sorry

‫No I'm sorry

‫Sorry

‫I that was That was Ali ‫I called her I um

‫I wanted her to know

‫It's it's good news and I just ‫I wanted to share it

‫I will tell them

‫How's she take it

‫Not what I expected actually ‫She

‫She was actually ‫Sort of gutted

‫Funny how things turn out

‫I can carve mum

‫Which is code for "give ‫yourself the biggest portion"

‫You're hardly ‫going to go hungry

‫Please be my guest It'll be the ‫most work you've done all year

‫I don't know where ‫you put it all

‫If I ate as much as you did ‫I'd be as big as a house

‫Hardly Come on look at you

‫I'll have you know ‫bar work is actually very taxing

‫Mum said they fired you ‫They didn't fire me

‫There weren't enough shifts

‫What with Christmas being ‫such a quiet time and all

‫I think we need more red down here ‫Benjamin would you do the honours

‫Yeah of course

‫It's very nice ‫You guys brought it

‫Yes Yeah Sorry

‫I can top my own wife up ‫but thanks you're a real gent

‫We're getting married

‫Benjamin proposed ‫and I said yes

‫Sorry are you two on Xanax

‫Because we're not behaving like children ‫It's called caring

‫Fuck me What about dad

‫What about him

‫You only got divorced ‫five minutes ago

‫I'd say your father gave up the ‫right to have his feelings considered

‫when he decided to sleep ‫with my best friend

‫So when's the big day

‫Well we er We haven't talked ‫about that yet but hopefully

‫Not for a long time I'm sure

‫Patrick I'm sure you've got ‫something to say about it

‫Apparently not

‫Patrick has decided now is the perfect ‫time to stop telling everyone what to do

‫Go easy Leo won't you

‫It's hardly bog-standard news

‫You're getting married

‫Yes

‫You're getting married to him

‫I'm still sitting here

‫Patrick

‫Patrick please don't ignore me

‫It'll be getting cold - lamb

‫Very good

‫Man of the house

‫Della

‫I'm fine for ham

‫No I ‫I meant what do you think

‫I think

‫I think I don't understand ‫why anyone gets married

‫I have to say it's not often I'm ‫grateful for the fact I've got no family

‫Well no-one's got no family ‫unless you're in a dickens' novel

‫That's not what I'm talking about ‫Um

‫I mean I'm sure there are cousins ‫and aunts and all that but

‫I'm talking about close family

‫You know the ones who can

‫The ones who make you feel

‫Smaller

‫Well ‫it's a lot for them to take in

‫You're right you're right ‫Of course you're right

‫No I suppose no matter ‫how car-crashy it was

‫at least we can console ourselves ‫with the fact that the worst is over

‫Er julia's here ‫To see you

‫I hope you're not going to change ‫our arrangements for tomorrow

‫because you know it is customary ‫for a father to see his children

‫on all the major holidays

‫I'm not changing any arrangement ‫Good Good

‫Because last year wasn't the ‫same not seeing them

‫That was their choice not mine

‫If you say so

‫What I came to tell you

‫is Benjamin and I ‫are getting married

‫Well it's obvious why ‫he'd want to marry you

‫Yeah Why's that

‫For your money

‫I forgot that I was utterly ‫devoid of any other charms

‫Why you'd say yes ‫that's the bit I can't fathom

‫I don't want another row ‫Who said anything about rowing

‫We're just having a conversation ‫a perfectly civil one

‫Remind me ‫is it three or four months

‫since the divorce came through

‫Well let's see the ring then

‫Don't be shy I'm sure it's ‫quite the rock he's got you

‫Three months' salary ‫that's what I spent on yours

‫I know Benjamin is ‫basically still in school

‫but for an occasion like this ‫I'm sure he pushed the boat out

‫You really are such a child

‫Says the woman marrying one

‫Ha-ha

‫I didn't come to ask ‫for your blessing

‫I just came to tell you

‫Which I've done ‫so I'm going to go now

‫I'm trying to help you here ‫Julia believe it or not

‫I don't want you made a fool of

‫What - any more than you did

‫And there we have it ‫what this is really all about

‫You getting revenge on me

‫Shut up

‫It would be easier ‫and a lot cheaper

‫if you'd just admit you're ‫still in love with me

‫Do you remember ‫how happy we were

‫How happy we were that day

‫You with your ridiculous mullet

‫and me with a waist this thin ‫and a smile as wide as my face

‫And it was just like ‫It was like nobody else mattered

‫It was just us

‫I remember

‫If I'd known then ‫what was coming

‫and who you really were

‫I would never have said yes

‫Don't you think for one second

‫that this is anything ‫even to do with you

‫Where shall I send ‫the flowers to

‫On second thoughts ‫I'll hold off

‫Cos you and I both know you'll ‫never go through with it

‫Mum Mum mum Stop

‫Mum Fuck mum I was asleep ‫Is everything all right

‫I need you all to hear me ‫What - and the neighbours too

‫Give us space ‫Go on back inside

‫I found myself last night ‫wanting to apologise

‫As if I

‫We've done something wrong ‫We haven't

‫We're in love however difficult ‫or absurd you might all find that

‫And as a consequence we're getting ‫married It's really quite simple

‫Yeah we get the memo ‫Do not interrupt me

‫I made out like it would ‫be a long engagement

‫because I didn't want any ‫of you to feel any worse

‫than you clearly already did

‫But I am 60 years old

‫And I may be your mother

‫but that is not all I am

‫I refuse to waste ‫any more of my life

‫doing what is best ‫for other people

‫I want to get married soon

‫And you know what ‫I want to do it here

‫Your support would be lovely

‫But in the absence of that

‫I'd ask of you one thing

‫Which frankly ‫isn't very fucking much

‫I'd ask that you please ‫keep your mouths shut

‫Mum That was

‫That was seriously cool

‫Really Yeah

‫Pure she-ra

‫Er last night I

‫I should have just done what ‫a normal person would do

‫and say congratulations ‫given you a hug

‫But I Didn't

‫Cos

‫Cos I'm so supremely shit ‫at commitment of any kind

‫I can't see past myself

‫so I am sorry

‫And

‫Congratulations mum

‫But can we skip the hug part

‫I'm stuck Hey I want the blue one ‫You can have the green one

‫Ok There we go

‫Yay

‫Um have you got any ‫preferences as to colours

‫I quite like yellow

‫I don't know any of the ‫answers to the questions

‫Well you know you can just

‫Er ‫you can just join our team

‫Yeah we need all ‫the help we can get

‫Dare I ask

‫She's marrying him She's

‫Wow

‫I didn't think ‫she had it in her

‫And you're

‫I'm fine It's non-news

‫You were married for decades

‫it's natural to be upset

‫I'm not ‫Upset I'm really not

‫The lady doth protest too much

‫We made a deal

‫No more worrying about ‫them about her

‫It's you and me that matters

‫That is a criminally-sweaty ‫upper lip

‫I have some seriously ‫bat-shit news

‫And don't shoot the ‫messenger but m-mum's

‫She's engaged

‫It's good to hear from you ‫Are you listening

‫Dad mum is getting ‫remarried to that

‫Him I know she told me

‫She she did

‫Thanks

‫You always have my ‫back don't you

‫Obviously You're my dad

‫Do you mind I knocked

‫£50 And in return

‫You make yourself ‫scarce tonight

‫Ha This is very Stalkery

‫I forgot ‫romance is lost on you

‫That's what I like ‫for you to think

‫Secretly I fucking love it

‫These are beautiful

‫Thank you

‫Wow

‫Is Cali not joining us

‫Er i tried to persuade her

‫but she er ‫Muttered something about plans

‫with a friend

‫Ha-ha

‫Wow A male friend

‫Well let's hope so ‫for all our sakes

‫Thank you

‫I rather enjoy having a chaste ‫daughter thank you very much

‫Wow

‫This is such a treat

‫I taught you well

‫Cheers darling

‫I think you've given me gout or ‫diabetes I'm not sure which yet

‫I'm not complaining

‫Just this little tiny bit

‫What are you doing

‫Marsha

‫Would you do me the ‫honour of being my wife

‫Put it away ‫Put the ring away please

‫What don't you Do you ‫Do you not like it

‫Well er We can ‫Get another whatever you want

‫It's ‫it's just it's my mother's

‫I know it's your mother's ‫Given that she can't stand me

‫it really makes it all the more ‫perfect doesn't it

‫Get off the floor ‫you look ridiculous

‫I-I don't understand

‫Really You don't understand

‫I thought this would ‫be a nice thing

‫that you'd Be happy

‫Why today

‫Why not all the other days

‫Because because of her

‫Julia

‫It's Julia

‫This has nothing ‫to do with Julia

‫Where did you go

‫Er

‫I made you a coffee

‫No thank you

‫I would've got you flowers

‫I don't want flowers

‫I can er

‫I can see how it might have ‫looked and I

‫It was a poor decision

‫Are we ok ‫I really need to know that we're ok

‫It's Christmas we have to be

‫And after

‫What should we tell dad about ‫you know your nuptials

‫I wouldn't worry mum's already ‫dropped that particular bomb

‫Del if you're getting ‫in get in

‫Leo sorry mate ‫no room at the inn

‫I was going to cycle anyway

‫When did you tell him

‫Yesterday morning

‫So when you came ‫back all guns blazing

‫saying that we'd get married next ‫year you'd come from his

‫The two things aren't related

‫Because I am ‫I am starting to wonder

‫whether you actually ‫want to marry me

‫or whether this is just some really ‫fucked-up way of getting back at Ted

‫I could ask you the same thing ‫Rushing to tell Ali

‫so that she could - what ‫regret her mistake and come running back

‫I want this

‫I'm just not entirely ‫sure that you do

‫You have work yet

‫Bibi it's Christmas ‫you're not allowed to ask that

‫She's allowed to ask ‫anything she wants

‫You have the same laugh as dad

‫Maybe it's his way of ‫saying "I'm still here"

‫And you my girls ‫are still as foolish as ever

‫Yo-ho-ho

‫Who have we here

‫We're not kids any more

‫You're a very dapper Santa

‫Charlotte will love it ‫She's asleep in the car

‫I'd wake her ‫but she gets feral

‫Yeah della was the same ‫She probably still is

‫Hey

‫Eleven minutes six seconds ‫Boom

‫I er ‫I didn't know you were a cook

‫ Please I'm not ‫This is your father's handiwork

‫No er Thank you Um

‫Mum made a big ‫breakfast the works

‫How's uni Cali

‫I-I graduated in summer

‫Sorry I'm crap

‫No it's fine ‫Thanks for asking

‫It means a lot to ‫him you all coming

‫It's for Charlotte's sake

‫Right Well um

‫You're here now

‫I don't think there ‫are any more presents

‫I think that's quite enough

‫Shall I have a look in my sack

‫Ohhhhhhhh I'm afraid that's it

‫But one of my elfish ‫spies tells me

‫that grandpa and ‫Granny Marsha have something

‫Here

‫Ooooooooo Too many mince pies

‫Ooo what's this Wow ‫Ooo What's this

‫What have you got

‫She already has a bike

‫Not a pink one dad

‫Deliberately

‫Thumbs up or thumbs down

‫Aren't you a lucky girl

‫I do want this

‫Very good

‫Grandpa

‫I hear I missed Santa

‫He was funny

‫Show grandpa how good you are

‫Well we can both

‫Watch me ride grandpa

‫I didn't say a break ‫I said time-out

‫They're very different things

‫So why are you calling me

‫I wanted to Hear your voice ‫Hear How you were

‫Maybe even dispense ‫some festive wishes

‫Festive wishes

‫Please em please don't ‫I hate it when you get upset

‫Em I have to go I

‫Who was that

‫Er no-one

‫What are you doing ‫hiding in here

‫I'm not I'm ‫Admiring your gymnasium

‫I don't remember it ‫being quite so Pimp

‫Yeah we kitted it ‫out after we

‫And you're welcome ‫to use it whenever

‫Don't go

‫Please

‫How are you

‫Work life love

‫Yes to all of the above

‫I'd really like if we

‫Sorry dad I need a wee

‫Get the others after

‫There's something I want ‫to discuss with you all

‫When they were dating ‫it was one thing but marriage

‫What do we even ‫know about this boy

‫What does anyone ‫know about anyone

‫Philosopher's in the building

‫We know he makes mum happy

‫And he's hardly a boy ‫the man's older than me

‫You're right dad ‫We know sweet fa about Benjamin

‫Patrick ‫tell him about your digging

‫There's nothing online - ‫incriminating or otherwise

‫The only red flag was ‫an eviction notice

‫but now he's made himself ‫comfortable in our house

‫Did you tell your mother Yes

‫And like all things Benjamin-related ‫she quickly explained it away

‫Well obviously you weren't firm enough ‫I should take over

‫Sorry ‫and this is to do with you how

‫Hard as you may ‫find it to believe

‫I care about your mother

‫and I want her to be ok

‫Most importantly ‫I want you all to be ok

‫You want us to be ok

‫That's what he said isn't it

‫Have you thought what it ‫actually means - marriage

‫Besides having someone barely ‫older than you as your stepfather

‫it means Benjamin gets ‫half of everything

‫Half of the house I worked ‫my whole career to pay off

‫Half of the savings ‫half of the lot

‫And when he leaves your ‫mother which he will

‫he'll be leaving with ‫your inheritance

‫I don't care about the money

‫Well you will when it's gone

‫and you're stuck forever renting ‫in whatever shoebox you end up in

‫What do you suggest we do

‫That's the part I'm not hearing

‫I i haven't got that far

‫I just wanted to sound you all ‫out check we're all in agreement

‫Yep

‫We are

‫Della

‫Leave me out of it ‫Why are you always so obstructive

‫Why are you always such a dick

‫You don't think the train ‫has kind of left the station

‫We're hardly talking about ‫someone with an iron will here

‫Don't talk that way about mum

‫Bottom line

‫I just want you all ‫your mother included

‫to be protected ‫against this man

‫Our father the great protector

‫Mum will be waiting

‫Nice moves

‫I was just going ‫to pick up my mum

‫You can come if you like

‫I think she'd prefer ‫if it was just you

‫Allow me to accept the ‫things I cannot change

‫The courage to change ‫the things I can

‫And the wisdom to ‫know the difference

‫Mum

‫Mum

‫Mum

‫Make yourself useful

‫Where's your overnight bag ‫I'll load it into the car

‫I'm not coming

‫What do you mean

‫Last year was too awful

‫Pretending everything was ‫normal when it wasn't

‫And that dreadful woman ‫Mother you can't she's my partner

‫You can't speak about ‫Marsha like that

‫So you'd rather ‫stay here instead

‫Spend Christmas day alone ‫Lovely

‫I won't be alone

‫Julia's having me over

‫You're going to Julia's ‫for Christmas day

‫That's what I said

‫To my ex-wife ‫You're going to my ex-wife's

‫No fault of mine that is it

‫You didn't think to phone ahead

‫tell me not to bother ‫coming to pick you up

‫We still have church and I'll need ‫running over to Julia's after

‫Told you her news has she

‫What news ‫So she's not so attentive after all

‫Julia's engaged to her ‫To Benjamin

‫That's right mother ‫a divorcee marrying again

‫I'm sure there's something ‫in the scriptures about that

‫All good wishes to them

‫All good wishes

‫This is the woman I married

‫I'm not the one ‫that forgot that

‫I I've loved her ‫over half my life

‫I haven't always liked ‫her or

‫Been understood by ‫her but she is

‫She was my one

‫Then you're even more of ‫a fool than I thought

‫Ooo hello ‫Come on I'm going to get you

‫You giggle-pops come on

‫And one two

‫Two Three

‫Whoo

‫Mum Can I borrow you

‫Just hear me out

‫Please mum

‫Read it before you say anything

‫God

‫For your sake Patrick I'm going ‫to pretend that didn't just happen

‫Prenuptial agreements ‫are standard practice

‫Did your father ‫put you up to this

‫When you two are united ‫that is really saying something

‫He didn't ‫I want you to be protected

‫If Benjamin's intentions are ‫good he won't object

‫You cannot seriously ‫believe that

‫If I ask him to sign ‫this it means one thing

‫It means I don't trust him

‫And then it's over ‫which is what you want

‫Look mum ‫this is not some attack on Benjamin

‫No-one goes into marriage thinking ‫anything other than it'll last forever

‫It's all love and plans

‫and endless time but

‫People change

‫This is about you

‫What's going on

‫Nothing Everything's fine

‫I really need you to do this

‫If not for yourself ‫then for me

‫It's not fair Patrick

‫Hello hello Welcome

‫Come in come in Ted

‫I'll leave you to ‫it then mother

‫Happy Christmas I guess

‫And you son

‫You're here

‫Come on in come on

‫Come in have a drink

‫Who do you think you are

‫This is my house

‫Not any more

‫I want you to know ‫it wasn't my idea

‫To to have your mother

‫I don't want you ‫to think I'm cruel

‫She prefers you

‫And who can blame her

‫Can I help you ‫I'm looking for Benjamin

‫I'm his brother

‫You told me you ‫were an only child

‫If you can lie about that ‫you can lie about anything

‫There's still time ‫to stop this wedding

‫with a little helping hand

‫We think you're marrying ‫our mother for her money

‫Told you he was on my side ‫I'm not on a side

‫You weren't picking your dad's side ‫when you hid his affair from me

‫I want us to elope

‫This is odd behaviour

‫There's something that ‫you're not saying