All language subtitles for Doucheaholics.S01E06_English

("That's How Much I Love
You" by Frank Sinatra)

- No I know but you're
not understanding me.

Put it there.

It goes there right now so
I can make it on the way.

But I gotta get going.

I gotta do this stuff, okay.

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I'll call you back.

- I know.

That's why I'm like oh no,

now I'm head of the PTA.

You have a problem with that Nancy?

Tell it to my friends jab and upper cut.

- Next time,

add the words senile bitch.

It's more apropos to the situation.

- Yeah, I like that.

- Or...

you look her dead in the eye

and mouth

I will murder you.

- Copy that.

- Practice.

- Okay.

- All right everybody.

B-Real, that's me.

Just-n-Time,

D-cup.

- In the flesh babe.

- [B-Real] Ryan Keenan.

- Here.

- [B-Real] Harmony.

- Existing.

- [B-Real] Adam, aka A-Town.

- [A-Town] Here.

- Um, excuse me.

- [B-Real] Dog train.

- Choo choo, and I brought cookies.

- Welcome back.

Sandbag.

All right.

- Excuse me.

- [B-Real] J-Rod.

- [J-Rod] Here.

- [B-Real] Loh-kee-dah.

Black Magik.

- Deuces.

- Excuse me, excuse me.

Hello, hello.

Are these the meetings for douchery?

(dramatic orchestral music)

(door closing)

- You want to share?

- Yes yes yes.

I have a brilliant tale for you all.

I'm ofe with the policies

but my name is Wilhemina Van Bloom

and I'm the heiress of
the Van Bloom dynasty.

- Well Bob's your fuckin' uncle.

- About a fortnight back I received

a late night phone call
from Thadius Abner the third

from Kensington

to ascertain my attendance
and requesting my courtship.

Now, my eldest brother

and Mr. Abner were
schoolmates at university.

And he knew I'd be at the
Gala next week in Paris.

Twas the annual Gala for the
Feed the Children Foundation.

I was not in a mind for serious suitors.

I'm concentrating on my masters

but he had caught me quite off guard.

Quite honestly I thought he might be

taking the piss out of me.

- Wait, who pissed on who?

- I don't know, did he piss on her?

- [Ryan] Did he piss on you?

- No no, he was asking
if he'd pissed on her.

- Did she piss on him?

- I don't know who pissed on whom.

- [Ryan] You want to
take the piss out of me?

- To provide you all
with the proper context,

my eldest brother Cornelius

for lack of a better word

can be quite apoplectic
when it comes to his niece.

Basically I knew I'd receive
a right old bollicking

and a load of old tosh
for my entire family

as the Abners are quite well to do.

Mr. Abner himself is on the
pleasant side looks-wise.

And the French restaurant
he suggested to me

was one I'd been dying to attend.

- So you agreed, we get it.

Move the plot forward sweetheart.

Way too dialog heavy.

- Yeah.

We know you're suspect.

Just spill the fucking
beans, your highness.

- I digress.

The food was peccant.

The boul en bas and the beef bourguignon

were to die for.

(light orchestral music)

The service was hunky dory but not great.

The waiter at one point

walked straight past us

and my water was clearly due a refill.

Thadius had been a complete gentleman.

Though at one point he used a salad fork

for his main course.

(laughing) I couldn't dare
tell him it was faux pas.

As a modern woman and to
keep things on the up and up

I took the extra measure
and paid for dinner.

The problem lay in the fact
that I was in French restaurant

in Paris.

There was a 12.5% service charge,

which I believe was the tip,

as the etiquette in New
Zealand is not to tip.

In Australia it's 10%-15%,

as you all know in London
it's 10%-12.5% service charge.

But it's customary to tip 10%.

In Canada or in America 15%-20%,

Greece 5%-10%,

Italy 7%-10%,

and obviously Spain 7%-13%.

I didn't want to cause a kerfuffle

because the food was scrummy.

The foie gras,

though he mainly treats it,

lacks that unique flavor
it truly deserved.

The ratatouille on the other hand,

our carrot dries is far too salty.

- Wait, the animated
rat restaurant is real?

- Oh no, sweetie, it's a dish.

- Oh mother fucker.

- I was in a quandary.

Now remember, I did have to ask monsieur,

may I please have a glass of water?

When what I really wanted to say was

oye bruv 'av a butcher's look,

me glass ain't gonna fill itself.

You don't want to get
me all Barney Rubble.

He apologized profusely of course.

But then he served me on the right

when it is customary
to serve from the left

and remove from the right.

I attributed that to the fact

that Mr. Abner improperly
placed his silverware.

Clearly crossed means
you have more to eat.

When the 11 to 5 placement

with the napkin on the table

is the clear sign for your waiter.

So in the end, I guess that
was Mr. Abner's own undoing.

At the restaurant

and our courtship.

- Where's the sex?

- Where's the violence?

- So did you dine and dash?

- And then did you throw it up after?

- Did anybody get pissed on?

- Nobody pissed on anybody.

- How much did you eat?

- So there's no rat restaurants?

- Did anybody bang anybody?

- Did you at least bang the waiter?

- In the end,

I said monsieur, it has
been a lovely evening

though most of the dishes
were quite underwhelming.

I did enjoy the majority of our dinner.

So to be very safe,

I tipped 30% and I went on my way.

Mr. Abner I allowed a kiss on the cheek.

And we parted ways as friends.

(whooshing)

- Get out.

- Get the fuck out of here!

- Cheerio and shit you Jane Austin bitch!

- Get out!
- Get out!

- Get out!
(screaming)

(door slamming)

- I made cookies for everyone.

I know Mr. S-Town, you are vegan.

And I know you two are gluten intolerant.

And I cooked up a special cookies

for D-cup and Harmony.

The are a hybrid blend
of indica and sativa.

I choo choo-ed those mother fuckers.

Choo choo choo.

("That's How Much I Love
You" by Frank Sinatra)

- This is the circle of trust.

We all fall down alone.

- [Group] But we all get back up together.

We all get back up together.

We all get back up together.

We all get back up together.

We all get back up together.

We all get back up together.

- So, who else wants to share?