Original subtitles

Good afternoon.

Wide World of Sports is in the little Republic of San Marcos...

Where we're going to bring you a live, on-the-spot assassination.

They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country...

And replace him with a military dictatorship,

and everybody is about as excited and tense as can be.

The weather on this Sunday afternoon is perfect,

and if you've just joined us,

we've seen a series of colorful riots...

That started with the traditional bombing of the American embassy,

a ritual as old as the city itself.

Following that, the leader of the labor union, Julio Doaz,

was dragged from his home and beaten by an angry mob.

It was one of the most exciting spectacles I've ever seen.

We'll probably have a videotape replay of that later on.

All around, there are colorful flags and hats.

The moment we've been waiting for is here. Everyone is getting quiet.

The president is going to leave his office...

And walk down the steps of the palace.

For that, we're going down on the playing area.

Take it away, Howard.

This is tremendous, Don. Just tremendous.

The atmosphere... heavy, uncertain,

overtones of ugliness.

A reminder, in a way, of how it was...

In march of 1964 at Miami beach...

When Clay met Liston for the first time...

And nobody was certain how it would turn out.

The crowd is tense. They've been here since 10:00 this morning.

And... and I think I see the door beginning to open.

El Presidente may be coming out.

The door opens. It's he.

It's El Presidente waving at the crowd.

He turns. He runs toward the building.

And down.

It's over. It's all over for El Presidente.

This reporter is going to get to him if he can...

Through this mob for one last word before he expires.

As you can see, this crowd is not to be trifled with.

They're in a frenzy. They're trying to get over to El Presidente,

even as I am trying to do now.

Would you people let me through?

This is American television.

American television. Please, let me through.

We're getting through now.

Here we are. Here we are.

Sir... sir, you've been shot.

When did you know it was all over?

Fascist... dictators.

Well, of course, you're upset,

and that's understandable under the circumstances.

I guess now you'll have to announce your retirement.

Well, good luck to you, sir. Good luck to you.

And now if you folks will bear with me for a moment,

I'm going to try and get in a word...

With the new dictator of San Marcos.

That's assuming I can get through...

This noisy and demonstrative crowd.

I wonder if you people would let me through.

I see the general off in the distance.

A new dictator talking to one of his men.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

General, general, congratulations.

General Emilio Molina Vargas.

General, a word from you, if you will, sir, for our viewers.

For many years, I have waited for this day.

But now I am the state.

You may say that, sir, but many important diplomats contend...

That you remain the most hated man in the state.

I will shut down the newspapers.

I will train my soldiers. We'll find the rebels.

The rebels may be in the form...

Of Democratic guerilla factions off in the hills.

No, sir. We'll find them. We'll find them. Don't worry.

Good luck to you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Well, you've heard it with your own eyes.

Now we're going to have to see what the future brings.

But right now, from the little dictatorship...

Of San Marcos in Latin America,

let's go back to Jim mclean in our studios in New York.

♫ Quiero La noche Quiero ♫

♫ Quiero La noche de Amor ♫

♫ dame Tu mundo dame ♫

♫ dame Tu mundo para mi ♫

♫ Quiero una noche Quiero ♫

♫ Quiero una noche de pasion ♫

♫ oh, mi vida consentida ♫

♫ Quiero a-ah-ahh ♫

♫ Quiero La noche Quiero ♫

♫ Quiero La noche de Amor ♫

♫ Dame Tu mundo dame ♫

♫ dame Tu mundo para mi ♫

♫ Quiero una noche Quiero ♫

♫ Quiero una noche de pasion ♫

♫ oh, mi vida consentida ♫

♫ Quiero a-ah-ahh ♫♫

Gentlemen, the Execu-ciser.

The latest work in progress at general equipment.

It's only in the development stage at the moment,

but it should be practical and in the market within two years.

It certainly looks impressive.

The Execu-ciser is a device to help busy executives get in their daily exercise...

Without ever pausing in their crowded work schedule.

As you well know, more Americans suffer heart attacks...

From lack of exercise, and you know why?

Well, it's because there aren't enough hours in the day...

To keep physically fit and still function effectively in one's business.

This is Mr. Fielding Mellish,

one of company's research testers...

Who will demonstrate the Execu-ciser.

You notice every part of the body receives...

An adequate exercising workout with this machine.

The pedaling action develop the muscles...

To keep the leg muscles flexible.

When the drawer is pulled out, when Mr. Mellish pulls the drawer out,

you'll see a weight that has to be lifted on top of the desk...

Which exercises his arms and his back muscles.

Now you'll notice when he reaches for the telephone, they're both spring-activated.

Now, in that spring-activation,

both muscles in the biceps are given adequate workout to sustain flexible arms.

And on the back wall, you'll notice there's a handle for each arm,

and as he pulls those handles, the back muscles are brought into action...

In a manner that keeps the back flexible and keeps the back strong.

And notice the basketballs coming from the side of the machine,

and the basketballs, as they're handled by Mr. Mellish,

develop reflexes.

Have you any idea how many you can put out in a year?

Well, we'd like you to manufacture them.

We can let you have the idea, have our patents.

We can let you have the whole thing on a royalty basis.

We can show you how to turn it out and save money on a cost basis.

And you think they'll sell? No question.

If you can get them in the executive's office,

you can get them in the armed forces.

In time, you'll do business with the United States government.

I'm not suited to this job.

Where do I come off testing products? Machines hate me.

I should be working at a job I have some kind of aptitude for,

like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.

Every day we've got to hear this.

Why did I quit college? I could have been something today.

What would you have been if you would have finished school?

I don't know. I was in the black studies program.

By now, I could have been black.

Consistent loser at the table.

That's my weakness. I lose a lot.

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight.

Get a date. We'll double. I'll call Barbara.

All right, have her bring a friend.

Forget it. What's the matter?

I had a date. She called it off. There's a dock strike.

Why don't you see what Norma's doing?

She's always ready for action. Who?

Thursday night. I gotta break the bank.

Are you busy tonight?

Some old friends are coming over.

We're gonna show some pornographic movies.

You need an Usher?

Oh, you're cute.

I'm busy.

Get a copy of time magazine.

I think I'll take commentary, and the Saturday review.

And, uh, let's see, Newsweek.

I, uh... just grab one of these.

Take 'em all.

Fifty, $1.00, $1.25.

Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of orgasm?

Just put them in a bag, will you? What?

Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy.

How much is it?

I'm doing a sociological study on perversion.

I'm up to advanced child molesting.

Come back. Back. Back.

More. More. More. Back. Back. Back.

Hi. I'm collecting names on a petition...

To request the United States government...

To break relations with San Marcos,

which is being ruled by a total military, brutal dictatorship...

Opposed to any concept of civil liberties.

- Would you sign? - Sure.

Ooh, I'm sorry. I broke your point.

Oh, well, that's okay. You want to come in...

And I'll give you another pencil? Oh, good.

I'm sorry.

I don't know if you've been following it in the newspapers,

but soon there's going to be a revolution in San Marcos,

and we feel that the United States...

Should give full support to the rebels and not to the dictatorship,

which, uh, as you know, has been our history.

May I ask, what do you do?

I'm a products tester for a large corporation.

I make sure products are safe and practical.

Today I tested an exercise machine...

And an electrically-warmed toilet seat for cold days.

Would you like some coffee or something?

Or I could open a can of ribs if you want.

Oh, well, I... ribs?

I'd love some coffee, but I have a lot of work to do.

Oh, well, here. It'll take me two seconds to make some coffee.

How can I find out more about your cause?

Because I have a lot of spare time.

Would you like to volunteer for "the Volunteers for San Marcos"?

Is it possible to discuss that over dinner tomorrow night?

It doesn't have to be tomorrow night, of course.

I mean, I'm wide open for the next six years.

Oh, I have a yoga class tomorrow night, and I couldn't miss that.

Yoga. I love yoga.

Do you really? Yoga is one of my great passions.

I love eastern philosophy.

It's metaphysical. And redundant. Metaphysical, yes.

Abortively pedantic.

I know just what you mean.

Thank you.

Have you ever read the "I Ching"?

Not the actual Ching itself,

but I have dabbled in Kierkegaard.

Oh, well, of course, he's Danish.

Yes. He'd be the first to admit that.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, I was just saying to some... have you ever been to Denmark?

I've been to, yes, to the Vatican.

Oh, to the Vatican. The Vatican's in Rome.

Well, they were doing so well in Rome, they opened one in Denmark.

Oh.

I was just saying to someone the other day...

That the Scandinavians seem to have such an instinctive feel for the human condition.

That's very wise, you know. That's, I think, pithy.

Oh, well, it was pithy.

It had... great pith.

Yeth, pith.

Pith.

Well, lithen, I have to...

Listen, I have to go now. I have a lot of work to do.

I'd love to have coffee, but I have a lot of bells to ring...

And an early class tomorrow. It'll just take a second.

I know, but I have more bells to ring...

And an early class tomorrow.

Oh, really? You're a student? Yeah, city college.

That's a great school. I ate in that cafeteria once. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I got trichinosis. Oh.

I'm a philosophy major.

Oh, yeah? That's a wonderful subject. That's a wonderful thing.

What is the meaning of life and death? Why are we here?

You like Chinese food?

Oh, yeah, that sounds... oh, when?

Um, the night after tomorrow.

That's... no, I can't.

I knew... I have a meeting of my women's liberation group.

You don't... you're not one of those...

You don't have hostility to the male sex, do you?

Women's rights do not automatically mean castration.

Oh, don't say that word.

Oh, now I gotta walk around like this for two days.

Oh, I know. You know, I'm that way on the word "appendicitis."

I can't take that. But castration.

Castration, appendicitis, either one.

No, there's a difference. No, there isn't.

What about Saturday?

Listen. Why don't you take my phone number?

Here.

And call me on sat... oh. Call me on Saturday, okay?

It's those two pieces right there, okay?

Bye. I may be bombing an office building, but I'll find out.

Okay. It was nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you too.

Oh, wait, you forgot to sign my petition.

Sorry.

Ah, Nancy, you may call me Fielding.

I think Mr. Mellish is a little formal.

Oh, the two of us together.

Fielding from Latin meaning strong or with strength.

You'll come to lean on that strength after a while...

And to know that you can rely on me.

I've always been a great champion of the underdog.

I think anyone could tell you that, my pet.

See, Nancy, I've... I've always been devoted to humanity.

To a guy like me, the greatest crimes...

Are the crimes against human dignity.

How is it, Mellish? Can you hear the music clearly?

This should be a great seller in California.

Mellish, you want to play poker tonight? We got room.

I can't. I got an appointment.

What kind of appointment? I'm going to picket an embassy.

What? All right, don't worry. I know what I'm doing.

It's... it's a little light.

I'll pull the shade.

Do you have any candles?

No. Why?

I just meant the mood's not right right now.

Light.

That's too light.

Is it warm in here?

Warm? Warm.

Oh, where's the bathroom?

The bathroom? Right there.

Leave a little air.

I love you. I love you.

Oh, say it in French. Oh, please, say it in French.

I don't know French. Oh, please. Please.

What about Hebrew? No.

I was, uh, I was always very shy when it came to girls.

I-I remember when I was a little boy,

I-I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille.

I used to rub the dirty parts.

And I, uh, I guess I had a good relationship with my parents.

I... I... they very rarely hit...

I think they hit me once, actually, my whole childhood.

They... they, uh, started beating me...

On the 23rd of December, 1942,

and stopped beating me in the late spring of '44.

I don't know. I was a nervous child.

I was a bed wetter when I was younger.

I, uh, I used to sleep with an electric blanket,

and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

It's funny. I have this dream that I've had since I was a child.

I had it again one night last week,

where I'm, uh...

♫♫

♫♫

♫♫

♫♫

I-I have to tell you something,

and I don't know how to break it.

Oh, Fielding. Why? Is something the matter?

Am I... have you seen x rays of me?

What? I saw x rays of you.

I fail to see the humor of this.

Well, you didn't see the x rays.

Tell me what's the matter. No. Nothing.

Because I'm wired. You know when your heart beats?

I know. I know. And my heart is beating.

I just don't think we should see each other anymore.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Why? What's the matter? I'm sorry.

There's just something missing for me, and I don't know what.

What do you mean something? Something missing from me? Yes.

What do you mean? Like what?

Like... can you say what is missing from me?

No. If you guess a few things, I could try.

What do you mean? Something's missing. I don't know.

Is it personality or looks or something like that?

Well, no. I'm not smart enough?

No. Is that what you're saying? Because I'm not...

No. You mean that it isn't... nothing to do with height?

No, it has nothing to do with the fact that you're short,

cavities? Nothing to do with the fact you're not bright enough,

and nothing to do with the fact your teeth are in bad shape.

So, what? What could it poss... I don't understand.

Does it got to do... it's not my personality. No.

Do you have fun when you're with me? No.

But it's not that.

It's not that I don't have fun with you.

I mean, we laugh. We spend days, you know. Yeah.

Don't tell me that we haven't laughed.

It's not that we haven't laughed. We've laughed a lot.

Certainly I laugh a lot. Sometimes you don't, I notice,

I can't put my finger on it. And I'm left laughing.

Something's missing, that's all.

What's missing? Can you be specific?

The relationship isn't going anywhere.

Where do you want it to go? Where could we get it to go?

Well, that's not... I don't know. I love you.

That's when, if I love you, and you love me...

No, and it's not because I don't love you.

Really? Then you love me? No, I don't.

That's what I mean. But that's not the reason why.

Just something is missing. I need a very strong man.

It's communication, right? Well, I'm strong.

I need a leader. I have all the qualities of leadership.

But don't you understand? I'm interested in so many vital, political things.

Me too. That bonds us together.

I want to go and work with pygmies in Africa,

and I want to work with lepers in a leper colony.

I'm willing... no, it's perfectly okay.

I believe... I love leprosy.

If that's what you're asking me, I'm perfectly willing to...

I like leprosy. I like cholera.

I like all the major skin diseases, so don't...

You're immature, Fielding.

How am I immature? Emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.

Yeah, but what other ways.

Well, then maybe it's my fault.

Maybe I just can't give.

Then why don't you receive, and I'll give?

I'm not ready to receive. You give, I'll receive.

Well, I can't receive. I'm a person who can only receive...

If another is giving. Well, I can't give. I'm sorry.

But if we each receive, it might work.

I can't receive. My trouble is I'm receiving and receiving,

and I'm only not able to give or to receive.

But I would like to give, if only you could receive.

I can't receive. I don't know how I can help you.

See, if we both receive or both give...

I told you, I can't receive and I can't give.

It's not going to work out. It's no use, Fielding.

I'm sorry. Good-bye.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Don't worry about me, sweetheart.

I'm like a cat. I'll always wind up on my feet.

Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her.

Who is she looking for? Hitler?

Women are very temperamental.

We went everyplace together. We did everything. We fell in love.

I fell in love. She just stood there.

Did you have trouble with her in bed?

Are you kiddin'? Do I look like the kind of guy that would have trouble in bed?

I didn't. I didn't.

Is that any reason to quit the job?

I'm so depressed.

I'd kill myself if I thought that she would marry me.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I gotta get out of here. I'm going down to San Marcos.

We were going to go down there together on a trip.

We were going to write a paper on it.

She was going to write it. I was going to type it.

I got to see what conditions down there are like.

Oh, Jesus, life is so cruel.

See what I mean?

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

Fielding. Sponge.

I don't mean to disturb you,

but I wanted to tell you that tomorrow I'm going out of the country,

and I thought I would stop by. What?

Now, now. Why are you going out of the country?

Leave him alone. It's a very long story.

Give me a sponge. It's got to do with a girl.

A girl? What? What are you going to do?

I have to get away. I'm going to South America.

A little country called San Marcos.

I never heard of it, dear. It's a tiny country.

Forceps. And, uh...

Forceps, Ruth. Nice people there?

Nice? Well, it's a turbulent situation,

and I've been following it for a while.

You've been following it. You should have stood in school.

You should have followed studying. Don't get mad, Martin.

I have a son living in South America also.

Would you stay out of this, please? I'm sorry.

Ruth, don't talk to him about going away.

Talk to him about going to college to become a doctor.

Don't get mad. Who am I going to leave this hospital to?

Will you cool it, Martin? Don't get on his back.

Let him alone. I've been very politically involved.

You should let him have his own way.

Ruth, we've been married 27 years.

My name isn't Martin. It's Al. Al Mellish, remember?

I wanted my son to be a great surgeon.

I have no aptitude. Yes, you do, son.

He has no aptitude. Listen to me, son. You can do this.

You can be a fine surgeon. Look. Take over. Give me a clamp.

No, Fielding can't... clamp. Quickly, give me a clamp.

Right, give me that. Here, take this, son.

I can't. Finish this operation for me.

I can't cut. It's ridiculous.

Why are you forcing Fielding? The name is Al.

This is so ridiculous. Go ahead. Right there.

He might lose the patient. You know Fielding.

Ask for a sponge. Sponge. Jesus.

I'll finish this one. That's better.

I didn't even wash. Push it in there. Right there.

I've got it in there. Oh, honestly.

Now take a clamp and take it out.

Should that be blue like that? Here's a clamp.

Where? Right there. Fielding, go.

Wait one second. You're doing well.

God bless you. I'm doing the best I can.

Nurse! Put your finger right there.

Fielding, get out of here!

He's really giving me a feeling of confidence.

Fielding, go! I'm going to South America tomorrow.

God bless you.

Go. Gesundheit. You're really going?

You're losing the patient while we're talking.

Martin! Nurse!

Don't worry about it. Please do.

Do you think you could get me out of here by 7:00 tonight?

I'm going to the theater.

And now as is our annual custom,

each citizen of San Marcos will come up here...

And present his excellency...

With his weight in horse manure.

Horse manure? I thought they were diamonds.

We are an agrarian country.

Yes, but horse... it will fertilize your personal crops.

Sometimes food is more valuable than gold.

♫ Quiero La noche Quiero ♫

♫ Quiero La noche de Amor ♫

♫ dame Tu mundo dame ♫

♫ dame Tu mundo para mi ♫

♫ Quiero una noche Quiero Quiero una noche de pasion ♫

♫ oh, mi vida consentida ♫

♫ Quiero a-ah-ahh ♫

♫ Quiero una noche Quiero Quiero una noche de pasion ♫

♫ oh, mi vida consentida ♫♫

♫ Quiero mas Amor ♫♫

we captured this rebel soldier this morning, excellency.

Has he given us any information about when they plan to strike?

Not yet, but he will when our men get through working him over.

♫ Hup, Hup, Hup along the highway ♫

♫ Hup, Hup, Hup the road is free ♫

we keep playing to him the entire score of naughty Marietta.

It will make him talk.

Oh, please, no more.

I can't stand operetta. Please!

Talk, you fool, and we'll stop the phonograph.

I'll talk. I'll talk, but please cut it off. Please!

When is the revolution set for?

First week of July.

You're a liar. That's only two months away.

No, no, Esposito is timing it to coincide...

With the American fourth of July...

So as to imitate his hero George Washington.

Where does he get enough weaponry?

Esposito has a way of getting weapons, but I do not know the plan.

Time is getting short, but I have a plan.

♫♫

His excellency, Emilio Molina Vargas,

requests the pleasure of your company at dinner this evening.

What? Dinner at the palace. 8:00 P.M.

Dinner with Vargas?

Dinner with the president? ♫♫

Dinner with the president. ♫♫

Dinner with the president.

♫♫

Oh, excuse me, senor.

I was trying to find someplace for practice.

Ah, senor Fielding.

This is Colonel Diaz and Lieutenant Arroyo.

Senor Fielding, may I say what a great pleasure it is...

To entertain an American intellectual,

somebody with whom I can exchange contemporary political ideas and opinions.

I brought you some cake. Thank you very much.

These are prunes. I like cherry.

Oh, they don't make cherry on Tuesday.

Senor Fielding, dinner is served. Would you please?

Maybe some poison in my food,

but I am okay.

I have been poisoned so many times, I have developed an immunity.

You are not tense, are you?

Tense? No.

Dinner was delicious. Thank you, sir.

The check, sir. Thank you.

Who had the roast beef? I had it.

It's $12.60. Who had the corned beef and cabbage here?

That was mine.

I don't understand something.

There's two roast beefs on here.

What did you have? Chili Con Carne.

Chili Con Carne? Well, there's two roast beefs.

There's an extra roast beef. I had only one roast beef.

Well, here. There's one chili, there's two roast beefs.

Who had the chili? I had the chili.

You on diners club?

You have bank of America?

Uh, yes.

All right. Here.

Let's go to the salon for a Brandy.

Can you keep it down? I'm getting a headache.

And so I want to do only what is right for my people.

That is to... to protect them from communism.

I am sure you understand that.

Yes, but Esposito and his rebels are not communists.

- They are communists! - I think I know a little bit about politics.

Don't get up. Excuse me.

If I'm to give a better life to my people,

I have to exterminate a few troublemakers.

That's the price we pay.

Well, look, I got to be going. It's late for me.

It has been a real pleasure to have this little chat with you.

Thank you.

Viva San Marcos. Viva!

Viva.

Excuse me.

He's perfect.

I could kill him now!

He brings cake for a group of people.

He doesn't even bring an assortment.

You cannot forget that?

No, no. We'll kill him as planned, dressed as rebels.

Then, an outraged United States...

Will see how bloodthirsty beasts Esposito and his men are,

and we'll get all the support we need.

When can our men get the rebel uniforms?

I spoke with the tailor.

He's going on vacation, and then he needs three days for the alterations.

We'll get another tailor.

But he does such nice work.

Take a look at this jacket. It's much too big.

He took it in for me, and he doesn't even charge much.

No, no, no. We get another tailor.

I want it to look like the rebels killed him...

Not later than tomorrow afternoon.

- Here he comes. - I don't feel good in these clothes.

Nor do I. He made cuffs in my pants.

What kind of tailoring is this?

He's not our regular man. Do the best you can.

So long, suckers.

Hey, wake up. Esposito wants to see you.

Are you all right? Hey, wake up.

Hey, you, wake up.

Senor Fielding. Esposito wants to see you.

Where am I?

Please, no more Polish women.

We are in the rebel camp with Esposito.

Blood. That should be on the inside.

Esposito wants to see you. Come on.

Esposito tried to kill me.

No, it was Vargas that tried to kill you,

but in the uniform of our peoples.

So your government would blame Esposito. Come on.

I'm Fielding Mellish.

Vargas has told everyone that you are dead, that we killed you.

It is in all the newspapers.

I'm very much alive, and I mean to lodge a formal complaint.

- A complaint? - You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen...

Without written permission from the state department.

Vargas cares very little for diplomatic procedures, my friend.

Yeah, well, we'll straighten him out.

I'm afraid you cannot leave here. - What?

He uses you to make a big propaganda against us.

The one thing he doesn't want is for you to show up and tell the world the truth.

What do you think will happen if you show your face...

Anyplace but here, hmm?

He will cut your throat and bury you.

Cut my throat?

You realize what that will do to my gargling?

It is war, my friend.

Yeah, but I'm an American citizen.

Sure. A dead one.

Just how long will it be before I can go back to New York?

After we win the revolution, we are free.

And when is the revolution? - Six months.

Six months? I got a rented car.

You have a chance to die for freedom.

Freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead,

it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.

Are you such a sniveling dog?

Depends what you mean by "such." I'm a good-sized sniveling dog.

History sometimes chooses strange ways.

Today you are fearful.

Perhaps one day you will be a tiger.

Don't hold your breath. If you ever need a squirrel, call me.

All right, men. Let us sing the song of the rebels.

♫ Rebels are we born to be free ♫

♫ just like the fish in the sea ♫♫

I'll have the grapefruit sections, two poached eggs,

cinnamon toast, regular coffee.

Perfect.

What the hell is this stuff anyhow?

Lizard.

Uno. Dos. Uno. Dos.

Uno. Dos. Uno. Dos.

Camouflage can often save your life.

It's essential that you learn the art.

In the event of snakebite, you make an incision,

and you suck out the poison.

Remember, you suck out the poison. What do you do?

Suck out the poison.

Suck out the poison.

Suck out the poison.

I will not... I cannot suck anybody's leg who I'm not engaged to.

Snakebite. I got bitten by a snake.

I got bitten by a snake. Help! Snakebite!

Help! Help!

Our food has run out. We must make a raid on the town.

It will be very risky. You must not go.

It is too dangerous. I do not mind the risk.

Another will lead the raid. Not our future president.

What about sending Fielding? Me?

The men have a growing respect for you.

It is a chance to prove yourself.

Oh, look, I don't want to prove anything.

You will fight a hero! And, if necessary, you will die a hero.

You better get some rest. You're beginning to talk gibberish.

The short straw will go.

Well, as long as it was fair.

Yes?

Uh, coffee, please.

I also want something to go. Yes.

Do you have any grilled cheese sandwiches?

Yes, sir. Let me have a thousand.

And, um, 300 tuna fish...

And 200 bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches.

You want grilled cheese on rye?

Uh, 490 on rye.

Let me have 110 on whole wheat...

And 300 on white bread.

Fernandez wanted on roll.

And one on roll.

And the tuna?

All the tuna on whole wheat.

And all the bacon, lettuce, and tomato, let me have on toast.

All right.

And, uh, what to drink?

Uh, let me have 700 regular coffees,

uh, 500 cokes,

and a thousand 7-ups. And also...

Cole slaw for 900 men.

Right.

You want anything with these sandwiches?

Uh, mayonnaise. On the side.

Right.

Everything is ready, sir.

Uh, which one is the roll?

I have it right here.

Okay. What about the Cole slaw?

It's coming, sir.

Adelante.

Cole slaw, sir.

That will be 24,000 pesos, sir.

Get your money from Vargas. We're the rebels.

Let's go. Move this out. Come on!

♫

While we carry out the diversionary raid,

you three will kidnap the British ambassador.

He will be held until Vargas agrees...

To free the sympathizers he has jailed.

I will drive.

You two will seize him, and you will inject him with the sodium pentothal.

Now, once he's asleep, there will be no trouble.

Should they attack, our men are ready.

Mm. They are too weak to defeat me.

We have nothing to worry about them.

We shall continue our policy of harassment.

Of course, if they are foolish enough to try to overthrow,

then I have made a deal for reinforcements...

With the U.J.A.

You mean the C.I.A., excellency.

The U.J.A. Is the United Jewish Appeal.

The United Jewish Appeal?

Uh-oh.

Any word on where we're headed for?

I hear it's San Marcos.

Are we fighting for or against the government?

The C.I.A.'s not taking any chances this time.

Some of us are for, and some us are going to be against it. Oh.

Hello. Hello, Miami?

Fountainbleu hotel?

Listen. I want to make a reservation for one single room.

Yes.

What are they... what are your prices?

For a single room?

I can't believe that I'm finally going home.

Well, you have earned it.

Yeah. Well, I'm going to miss everybody here. Aha!

Well, my friends, we have done it.

You have. And you. All of us.

At last, this country can finally bask...

In the sunshine of a true democracy.

A land where no man is better than the next,

and there's equal opportunity for all, respect for law and order.

Right now, I am the law.

Yes, but soon, we'll hold free elections...

And let the people choose their own leaders.

And you can voluntarily step down and return to your simple farming.

What's the matter? You look glassy-eyed.

Those people are peasants.

They are too ignorant to vote.

- But they have common sense. - I am the ruler of this country.

There will be no elections until I decree it.

You are accused of killing over a thousand people in your term of office,

of torturing hundreds of women and children.

- How did you plead? - Guilty. With an explanation.

Ready...

Aim... fire.

Uh, okay, 21. Who has 21?

Ready... aim... fire.

Hear me.

I am your new president.

From this day on,

the official language of San Marcos...

Will be Swedish.

Silence!

In addition to that,

all citizens will be required...

To change their underwear...

Every half hour.

Underwear...

Will be worn on the outside...

So we can check.

Furthermore,

all children under 16 years old...

Are now 16 years old.

What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?

Power has driven him mad.

We must have a new leader.

Another must represent the revolution immediately.

Like who?

There must be someone willing to put his life in peril,

and, uh, willing to carry on...

Against all the terrible hazards that await us.

I know you're gonna find the guy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I was due at my mother's house for dinner eight months ago.

I'm going home.

No! The revolution will fail without you.

Why me? Because the men respect you.

You always loved our cause.

Besides, compared to these men, you are educated.

What is this with my education?

I had two days of college.

I need 3 years and 363 days to get a degree.

This is a country of peasants. At least you can read.

Fellas, I don't want to be president.

You're making a big mistake.

You got to be smart to be a president.

Look, let me be vice president.

That's... that's a real idiot's job.

You're lookin' at me in a strange way, fellas.

Look, I...

I'm going to be president, right?

The Americans won't recognize us because they think we're communists.

The communists won't recognize us...

Because they think we're American puppets.

The one person in the world who recognizes us...

Was arrested yesterday on a morals charge.

We need money. What is the chief export of San Marcos?

- Dysentery. - We grow bananas.

Bananas. Bananas.

If I can only think of a way...

To convince the United States to give us money.

Get me Sanchez.

I don't know, my friend, but without it, the revolution will fail.

Thousands will have died in vain,

and soon a new dictator will seize power.

Hello. It's me.

Oh, yes. I'm perturbed over the economic situation.

You must go to the United States.

You must convince them. They will listen to you. Me?

You're the president of San Marcos.

Yes, here I'm president, but over there I'm a college dropout.

But they don't know.

After all, senor Fielding Mellish is dead.

I can't hear you. I think we have a bad connection.

I know. I will call you back.

I think I could go to the United States and fake it.

I know you can do it, Fielding.

I'll bet that I could.

♫ Quiero La noche Quiero ♫

♫ Quiero La noche de Amor ♫

I am Mr. Hernandez, the official interpreter.

Welcome to the United States.

Welcome to United States.

Thank you. Thank you.

Did you have a good flight?

Did you have a good flight? Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Well, we hope your stay in our country...

We hope your stay in our country...

Will be delightful. Will be delightful.

I am looking forward to it...

I am looking forward to it...

With great anticipation.

With great anticipation.

♫ Dame Tu mundo dame ♫

♫ dame Tu mundo para mi ♫♫

Get all these people out of here.

What's the matter? Get them out of here.

I'm Bill Simmons. Tom Sloan, F.B.I. Mr. President.

We're here to see your safety's ensured.

We'll act as your shield in the event of trouble. Look out!

We missed him. We get most of them.

What am I appearing at a fund-raising dinner for?

I don't know the first thing about public speaking.

All you have to do is open up with a joke, a funny story.

Once you have them laughing, then you hit them for money. It's very simple.

Very simple. Open with a funny story, and then hit them for money.

I'm... I'm reminded tonight of the...

Of the farmer who had incestuous relations...

With both his daughters simultaneously.

It's, it's the wrong crowd for this joke.

Um.

Although the United States is, uh,

a very rich country,

and San Marcos is a very poor one,

There are a great many things...

We have to offer your country in return for aid.

For instance, there... there are locusts.

We have more locusts.

There are locusts of all races and creeds.

These, these locusts, incidentally,

are available at popular prices.

And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos.

Now, then,

despite the tiny size of our nation,

few people realize that we lead the world in hernias.

They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country,

he, he stopped in San Marcos...

And contracted a disease which can today be cured...

With one shot of penicillin.

It's the same person, all right.

This whole thing smacks of conspiracy, if you ask me.

Do you realize what a communist missile base in San Marcos would do to us?

Plus, he has a history of subversive acts,

demonstrations, and peace marches.

This man is attempting the overthrow...

Of the United States government from without and within.

All right.

Let's pick him up, and throw the book at him.

We'll make an example of this... hepcat.

Hi. I hope I'm not being pushy, but I just have always wanted to meet you.

I-I don't mean to bother you,

but I think that you're, uh, terrific.

Really terrific, and, um,

me and my friends have backed you from the beginning...

Uh, of this career of yours.

And I... we... I'm awestruck.

I really don't know what to say.

You know, it's very funny, but you remind me of somebody...

That I once knew.

A boy. He... it was really...

No, it was really nothing like you.

I mean, you're terrific. He was just this little, stupid clown.

You know, just... I don't know why I even mentioned it.

He was, uh... he was, um...

He was an idiot, you know. A real idiot and, uh...

Would you... would you mind if I kissed you?

Uh, once?

Could I kiss you once?

Oh, that was wonderful.

It was practically a religious experience.

I have a confession to make.

What, love?

I'm Fielding Mellish.

Oh, my God.

I knew something was missing.

Good evening. I'm Roger Grimsby with the news at 6:00.

Today's top stories:

The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish...

As a subversive impostor,

New York garbagemen are striking for a better class of garbage,

and the national rifle association declares death a good thing.

Details on these and other stories in a moment.

Fielding Mellish, the president of San Marcos,

goes on trial tomorrow for fraud, inciting to riot,

conspiracy to overthrow the government,

and using the word "thighs" in mixed company.

Please rise. Court is now in session.

Judge Seymour Watson presiding.

The people versus Fielding Mellish.

I object, your honor. This trial is a travesty.

It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham...

Of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

I move for a mistrial.

Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on that jury?

Yes, there is. Really? Which one?

Is it the big guy at the end?

Call the first witness.

And you remember Fielding Mellish.

He's got a record.

He was always being picked up at one demonstration or another.

He's a bad apple. A commie.

A New York Jewish intellectual, communist crackpot.

I mean, I don't want to cast no aspersions.

Your witness.

Officer Dowd, have you ever had sexual relations...

With a girl with really big breasts?

Yes, sir. I did.

Mm-hmm. How did you find it?

Very erotic.

I see. I was just checking.

Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Your name? J. Edgar hoover.

Occupation? Head of the federal bureau of investigation.

Will you tell the court why you're dressed like this?

I have many enemies,

and I rarely go out unless I'm in disguise.

Mr. hoover, in your opinion,

is Fielding Mellish a threat to the security of the United States?

Enough to have his phone tapped.

Hello.

Hello. Who is this?

Who is this?

Hello. Who is this?

Can you hold on one second?

Walter, it's for you!

All right, I did it!

I did it! I'm guilty!

But I couldn't take it anymore.

She kept tormenting me.

Egging me on!

Making a fool of me!

Isn't this Epstein versus Epstein?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years,

and he's a warm, wonderful human being.

Would the clerk read that statement back, please?

"I've know Fielding Mellish for years,

and he is a rotten, conniving, dishonest, little rat."

Okay. I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.

You're out of order.

Name? Sharon Craig.

And you are?

Miss America.

♫♫

Tell the court why you think he's a traitor to this country.

I think Mr. Mellish is a traitor to this country...

Because his views are different from the views of the president...

And others of his kind.

Differences of opinion should be tolerated,

but not when they're too different.

Then he becomes a subversive mother.

Call Fielding Mellish.

Mr. Mellish, what is your nationality?

Well, you... you might say I have two nationalities.

Are you being coy?

Well, I am an American citizen...

And also the president of San Marcos.

I would not joke with this court if I were you.

- Wouldn't you or couldn't you? - That's enough.

Does the code name "sapphire" mean anything to you?

It doesn't. I swear to God.

You swear to God, and yet, you have no compunction about teaching evolution.

Where were you on the night of June 23?

If you cannot resist disrupting the court,

I order the marshal to bind and gag you.

And so you followed Fielding Mellish...

And overheard him make treasonous remarks about this country.

I did.

Your witness.

Yes, I did.

No!

I don't remember.

No!

Don't put words in my mouth!

Yes!

- Yes, it's true! I lied!

Ladies and gentlemen, you will retire for your verdict.

Good evening. I'm Roger Grimsby with the news at 6:00.

A verdict has been reached in the Fielding Mellish case.

I'll have details in one moment.

♫♫

- Stick in your throat, son? - Oh, these cigarettes, father.

What brand are you smoking? - These.

Those are for sinners.

Oh?

You should try new testament cigarettes. New testament, huh?

They've got the revolutionary incense filter.

I'll try one.

What do you think?

Good flavor. Smooth too.

You stick to new testament cigarettes and all is forgiven.

Thank you, father.

New testament cigarettes.

I smoke 'em.

He smokes 'em.

♫♫

Fielding Mellish was found guilty today on 12 counts of treason...

And was sentenced to 15 years in prison.

The judge suspended the sentence in return for the promise...

That Mellish will not move into his neighborhood.

Nancy, now that this whole thing is over,

do you think the two of us could get married?

Oh, I'd love to.

If you're going to fool around with women's lib,

you're going to need somebody to support you.

Fielding, do you love me? Of course.

No, but do you love me. You know what I mean?

Yes, I love you. I love you.

Can you, like, define the meaning of love?

What do you mean? It's to love. I love you.

I want you in a way of cherishing your,

your totality and your otherness,

and in the sense of a presence and of being,

and a whole... the coming and going,

and a room with grapefruit,

and love of a thing, of nature, and a sense of not wanting...

Or being jealous of the thing that a person possesses.

Do you have any gum?

Good evening.

Wide World of Sports is here in the Royal Manhattan hotel...

For a live, on-the-spot telecast...

Of the Fielding Mellish honeymoon night.

Mellish and his new bride were married this morning...

In a civil ceremony in downtown Manhattan.

The bride wore the traditional virginal white,

as did Mellish.

Following that, they had dinner...

And are both now ready for the consummation of their marriage.

The turnout has been gigantic.

And here for a play-by-play description is Howard Cosell.

Take it away, Howard.

You join us with the action just about to start.

Yes, indeed, here comes the bride.

She's got a lot of fans here.

They're tense, but they swell to a tremendous cheer.

And as I think is apparent, she is in very good physical condition.

And here comes Mellish. Listen to that crowd roar.

He's wearing a green corduroy suit,

jogging and bobbing down the aisle,

buttressed by his trainer and his handlers.

The action has started.

They approach one another cautiously.

Nothing unique about that.

Now Mellish begins to make his moves and so does Nancy.

The two are working together closely.

The action growing more rigorous.

It is swift, rhythmic, coordinated. What's that?

A cut over Mellish's right eye.

The doctor comes in to examine the cut.

No, it will not be stopped. It continues.

I tell you, ladies and gentlemen,

although you can see for yourselves,

I have never seen action like this.

That's it. It's over.

It's all over. The marriage has been consummated.

Nancy and Fielding Mellish in the most real sense are now man and wife,

and if it's humanly possible,

I'm going to break through these fans to talk to the two.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Nancy, I know that this is very personal.

Hello, Howard. Was it everything you expected?

Well, Howard, it all went by so fast.

I had no idea that it would be so quick, really.

I was expecting a longer bout.

No difficulties of any kind.

Well, as you know, I'm extraordinarily ticklish,

so I had kind of a little rough time there.

I couldn't stop laughing.

I thought it would get in my way,

but I really trained well for this,

and I think it sort of held me.

So there really wasn't any time that I didn't feel in complete control.

How about you, Fielding? I was concerned about that cut.

I thought they might stop the action. Did you have that feeling?

Yes, I was, Howard. I thought that I'd have to finish it up quick...

'Cause I thought the referee might come in and stop it.

I knew I was leading at that point.

I was just hoping that they'd let me go all the way, and they did.

No disappointments at all.

Well, I had heard that he would be in great, great shape,

and I felt that, um, he wasn't...

That he could use a little seasoning and, you know,

sort of timing... the timing was a little off.

He'll be fine. He's not the worst I've had.

Not best, but not the worst.

Are you offended by what Nancy just said, Fielding?

I'm not offended, but I don't agree with her. I was in great shape.

I thought I had her in real trouble...

With her right hand up early.

I was in good form. My breathing was good.

I've been training very hard for this, and I gave 100%.

When do you anticipate your next bout?

I think we could probably do this again in the late spring.

Any comment? The late spring?

I think I'll be ready by the late spring. I'd like...

As long as the late spring?

I think we should leave the happy couple on that note.

It's hard to tell what may happen in the future,

but they may live happily ever after.

Again, they may not.

Be assured of this, though.

Wherever the action is, we will be there...

With ABC's Wide World of Sports to cover it.

Now, on behalf of Nancy and Fielding Mellish...

And all of the others who have made this possible,

this is Howard Cosell thanking you for joining us...

And wishing you a most pleasant good day.

♫ 'Cause I believe in loving ♫

♫ some people take me for a fool ♫

♫ 'cause I believe in giving ♫

♫ they seem to take me for a fool ♫

♫ 'cause I believe in sunshine ♫

♫ and things I never learned in school ♫

♫ take me ♫

♫ take me ♫

♫ and you'll make me ♫

♫ so glad to be so foolish ♫

♫ so take me for a fool ♫♫