All language subtitles for 01 National Lampoons Vacation (1983).en

01 National Lampoons Vacation Comedy
1983 720p [H264-mp4] English

Clark Griswold. I'm trading
my wife's old car in.

[CHUCKLES]

Say goodbye to the old
gas-guzzler, Russ.

See you later.

Pretty exciting,
isn't it, Rusty?

- What's that, Dad?
- Picking up the new car.

Yeah, you can't wait, can you?

- Hi there, Ed.
- Good to see you, Mr. Griswold.

- How're you doing? Ruben, right?
- Rusty.

- Okay.
- Look at him. He can't wait.

So did you bring your trade-in?

Yeah, a guy just took it away
a couple of seconds ago.

- Let's get to it, then.
- Okay.

We were afraid the new one
wouldn't come in yet.

On our way to California. The big
vacation, the whole family, Walley World.

- Walley World? Very exciting, Clyde.
- Clark.

Well, there she is.

Where?

Right here. The wagon.

Dad, this is not the
car you ordered.

Take it easy, Rusty. Ed, this
is not the car I ordered.

I distinctly ordered the Antarctic
Blue Super Sportswagon...

with the CB and the
optional Rally fun pack.

You didn't order
the Metallic Pea?

Metallic Pea? No,
Antarctic Blue.

The Sportswagon. This isn't
even the right model.

I think you're right. I don't
think this is the car.

This is the new Wagonqueen
Family Truckster.

This is a damn fine automobile,
if you want my honest opinion.

Beats the hell out
of the Sportswagon.

But I want to make you happy.

Davenport.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

DAVENPORT: Yes, Mr. Ed?

Mr. Griswold ordered a blue
Sportswagon. Where is it?

I don't know, sir.

I know what must have happened.

It didn't come in.

Ed, I'm not your ordinary,
everyday fool. Okay?

Now, I'd like my Antarctic Blue
Super Sportswagon right now.

If you can't get it for me, I'm
gonna take my business elsewhere.

Where's my old car?

I'm just as upset as
you are. Believe me.

Davenport.

Get Mr. Griswold's car
back. Bring it back here.

I can get you the wagon, no problem. The
problem is, it might take six weeks.

I owe it to myself to
tell you, Mr. Griswold...

if you're thinking of taking
the tribe cross-country...

this is the automobile
you should be using.

The Wagonqueen Family Truckster.

You think you hate it now,
but wait until you drive it.

I don't want to drive it. I just
want my old car back, okay?

I'm not falling for this
bit. No way. Let's go, Russ.

[CAR ENGINE RATTLING]

Clark, is that the right car?

No, it isn't, honey.
I changed my mind.

They flattened our old
car like a pancake.

Are you serious? Is this
really our car, Dad?

What happened? I thought we were
gonna get the little Sports thing.

Oh, no. The Sportswagon's
much too small.

Besides, I got a great
deal on this one.

Let me tell you, if we're taking
the whole tribe across country...

believe me, this is
your automobile.

[RATTLING CONTINUES]

Why is it still running'?

Oh, all new cars do that.

I'll take care of
that in a second.

[CHUCKLES]

You may think you hate it now,
honey, but wait until you drive it.

Whoa! An air bag.

You know, Clark, it's not too
late to fly out to California.

We only have two weeks.

Let's not get into that
again, sweetie pie. Please?

Lots of families fly, Clark.
Especially cross-country.

The whole idea of a family vacation is
to spend time together as a family.

You get on an airplane, you
put on your earphones...

and you're lost in
your own world.

It's an awfully
long ride, Clark.

I'm looking forward to
an awfully long ride.

You get to see the kids all the time. I
see them two minutes in the morning...

two minutes in the evening. Maybe
three hours on the weekend.

Sheesh. One of these days I'm gonna get
up and realize that my little babies...

are all grown up. And then what?

I just thought it might
be easier to fly.

Nothing worthwhile
is easy, Ellen.

We know that.

Kids?

[VIDEOGAME PLAYING OVER TV]

Who wants to see the triptych?

What? Dad, we're playing.

Okay, shut off the video games.
Come on, Russ. Shut it off.

I know you'll enjoy this. I worked
out the trip on the computer...

so we get the maximum amount
of fun time at Walley World...

without missing any of the
good stuff along the way.

Here we go. There's us.

And there's Walley World.

Let's just take a look
at Day One. Shall we?

Honey, come on in. We're
gonna do Day One.

[BEEPING]

Okay, now there's the Family
Truckster as we leave Chicago.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

CLARK: Rusty, please, do
not eat the Truckster.

Russ, do you mind? I'm trying to work
this out here on the computer. Please.

Okay, Audrey. Thank you,
Audrey. That's just great.

RUSTY: Look out,
Dad, here I come.

CLARK: All right,
that's enough, Russ.

Okay. Now, I think we're
moving towards...

Thank you. Good shot, Audrey.

Dad, I forgot. Why
aren't we flying?

Why aren't we flying? Because getting
there is half the fun. You know that.

I turned off the water, the
stove, the heat and the air.

Locked the door, notified the
police, stopped the papers.

I called to get the grass cut.

Did I put the timers on
the living-room lights?

Oh, and don't forget the mail.

- Watch that elbow. Keep your arm straight.
- Bye!

[ALL CHATTERING]

- Bye!
- CLARK: So long.

MAN 1: Drive careful now, Clark. MAN
2: Watch out for the Indians, Clark.

Watch those freeways.

Oh, goodbye.

ELLEN: Oh, I know I've
forgotten something.

CLARK: Walley World,
here we come.

[ENGINE STARTS]

CLARK & ELLEN [SINGING]:
Mockingbird, tell me

- Everybody have you heard?
- Have you heard?

- He's gonna buy me a mockingbird
- He's gonna buy me a mockingbird

- And if that mockingbird don't sing
- And if that mockingbird don't sing

- He's gonna buy me a diamond ring
- He's gonna buy me a diamond ring

- And if that diamond ring don't shine
- If that diamond ring don't shine

- He's gonna surely break this heart of
mine - It's gonna break this heart of mine

- And that's why I keep on singin' in your ear
- And that's why, yes indeed, oh, yes indeed

Ya y, ya y, whoa-oh-oh

- CLARK: Come on, kids.
- We don't know any of your songs.

- Dad, is that made-up? It sounds made-up.
- CLARK: Okay, I got one.

How about The Walley World
National Anthem? Huh?

- Okay, okay, you start.
- Ahem.

ALL [SINGING]: Who's the
moosiest moose we know?

Marty Moose

Who's the star of our
favorite show? Marty Moose

"M" is for merry
We're merry, you see

"O" is for oh, gosh
Oh, golly, oh gee

"S" is for super-swell
family glee

"E" is for everything
you want to be

M-A-R-T-Y

M-O-O-S-E

What's that spell?

Marty Moose, Marty
Moose, Marty Moose

Yuck!

That's me.

[IMITATES MOOSE LAUGH]

CARL: All right.
That's more like it.

Here's one you don't know.

We used to sing it when you were
kids. You're gonna like this. Ah...

BOTH [SINGING]: Jimmy crack
corn and I don't care

Jimmy crack corn
and I don't care

Jimmy crack corn

[SINGING] Swing low

Sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home

Swing low, chariot

I looked over Jordan
and what did I see

Comin' for to carry me home

Band of angels comin'

What smells in here, honey?

Russ. Russ. Your feet.

Clark, isn't this the gas tank?

Yes, I know, honey.

Get in the car. I'm just
fixing the license plate here.

CLARK: Hey, see that, kids?

That's the St. Louis Arch.
The Gateway to the West.

It's over 600-feet tall, and there's
an elevator all the way to the top.

That's 60 stories to you and me.

RUSTY: Wow, Dad, can we
go up on it? CLARK: No.

Dad, what river is this?

That's the Mississippi.
The mighty Mississip.

[CHUCKLES]

The Old Miss. The Old Man.

[SINGING IN DEEP
VOICE] Deep river

My home is over Jordan

ELLEN: Clark, I think
this is the wrong exit.

CLARK: What's the difference, as
long as we get across the river?

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

Clark? What are you doing?

- Just relax, Ellen.
- This is so dangerous.

We have no business being
in an area like this.

Well, look at it this way.

This is a part of America
we never get to see.

- That's good.
- No, that's bad.

I mean, we can't close our eyes
to the plight of the cities.

Kids, you noticing
all this plight?

This will just make us
appreciate what we have.

[GUNSHOT THEN WOMAN SCREAMS]

Roll them up.

I'd better ask these fellas how
to get back on the expressway.

Pardon me.

I wonder if you could tell me how
to get back on the expressway?

- Fuck your mama.
- Thank you very much.

MAN 1: Hey, Darnell, check
out this Truckster.

MAN 2: It's a Truckster.

With a luggage rack.

CLARK: Hey, excuse me,
homes? Heh-heh. Aha.

What it is, bro. We're
from out of town.

MAN 3: No shit?

I'd really appreciate it if you
could give me directions...

back onto the expressway.

- What? For free?
- Sure.

Five dollars.

- I'm not gonna give you $5 for directions.
- I think that's fair, Clark.

Okay. Here's $10.

Thank you.

[METALLIC CLANGING]

Keep the change.

Okay. Now, you see which way
you're pointing, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay, that's good.

Because, you see that place?

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. You see where it say, "Rib Tips"?

- Rib Tips.
- Mm-hm. Fuck that.

You don't want to go that way.

I wonder if these guys
know the Commodores.

You gonna go all the way
down about half a block...

and you'll see a Torino
with no wheels on it.

Inside that Torino is
my cousin, Jackie.

You tell him that you're
my boy, and you're lost.

He'll make sure you get
where you're going.

You don't want to know from me.
This ain't my neighborhood.

I'm from the west side of
Chicago, here on vacation.

CLARK: Thanks a lot.
You've been a great help.

- Honey?
- Hmm.

This reminds me of the
time in college...

when we drove down to Fort
Lauderdale in my Austin-Healy.

I haven't thought about
that for a long time.

Remember what we did in the car?

It's amazing we didn't
get in an accident.

Want to relive a fond memory?

Are you serious?

- No.
- Why not?

Because, that's why.

The kids are asleep.

Let's just wait until
we get to a motel.

Okay, we'll wait. I gotta find
the best one on the road.

Do you want to put
your head in my lap?

That's not what I was thinking.

The wheel. Let me get this.

There you go, move
it out of your way.

Comfy?

Clark?

Clark, my head's stuck.

Clark, quit kidding
around. It hurts.

It's stuck.

Cut it out.

I know what you're trying to
do, and I think it's sick.

The wheel's stuck.

That was a dirty trick.

The damn wheel is
all screwed up.

You're tired. You get
weird when you get tired.

Let's just find a motel. I
don't want you dozing off.

I'm not tired. Are you kidding?

I could go another
100 miles. Come on.

No problem.

[SNORING]

[MAN MUTTERING]

[HORN HONKING]

[SNORING]

[DOG YELPS]

[HORN HONKS]

Sparky, why don't you turn
off the TV and come to bed?

Okay, honey.

[SCREAMS]

Well, up and at
them. We're here.

Oh!

[IMITATES "PSYCHO" THEME]

Clark.

- Can I do your back, honey?
- I've already done my back.

Can I do your front?

Go do your own front.

You know Clark, maybe we should
call Catherine and Eddie...

and tell them that we won't be
in until tomorrow afternoon.

Afternoon?

If we're not there by 10:00 a.m., it's
gonna throw the schedule completely off.

I planned everything
very carefully...

so we'd be at Walley World
first thing Saturday morning.

Sparky, I know how much
this trip means to you...

and that you want all of
us to have a great time...

but it's a long way
to Walley World.

And I think it'd be easier on all
of us if you'd just try to relax.

I'm way ahead of you, honey.

[CHUCKLES] on.

When did you get these?

I have my little secrets.

- What a nice thought.
- Mm.

[GIGGLES]

Don't drink yet.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ready for this?

[BED RATTLING]

Ahh... I'd like to propose
a toast, if I may.

Here's to a very
restful vacation.

Here's to a very
relaxing vacation...

a renewed love affair...

and a time ofjoy
with our babies.

[BED SQUEAKING &
RATTLING INTENSIFYING]

You know, honey, I
never told you this.

I know it's been a
rough beginning.

I think there's
something wrong here.

It's the bed. It will
slow up in a second.

I got it. Hold on
to this. Enjoy it.

- Clark, what are you doing?
- Let's try this, my darling.

Aha.

Now we're talking.

We haven't done this
for a long time.

[CLARK CHUCKLES]

[ELLEN MOANS]

ELLEN: Oh. Clark.

- What's that noise?
- What's going on?

Hey. Don't you kids
knock anymore?

Sorry, we thought you were
fighting or something.

Nobody is fighting in here.

[RATTLING & SQUEAKING STOPS]

It's very late.

RUSTY: Where is Morn?

ELLEN: I'm under here, kids.

Go back to bed.

Go back to bed, now. Rusty.

The bed was very soft.

Weird-o-rama.

Really.

CLARK: This is the street Wyatt
Earp used to keep law and order on.

ELLEN: It seems kind
of dirty and touristy.

CLARK: Oh, Ellen, the
Old West was dirty.

Everything isn't like home. If
everything were like home...

there'd be no reason
for leaving. Right?

RUSTY: Oh, yeah,
Dad. This is great.

- You know, I'm glad we didn't go
to Hawaii. CLARK: I'll bet you are.

Okay. Kids!

Let's go get a drink. What do
you say? Here you go, champ.

[CHUCKLES]

Well.

Howdy, city slickers.

Welcome to the Long Branch. No
fighting, no cussing, no gunslinging.

Watch what you say to our
bartender. He's an ornery cuss.

- Thank you, Sheriff.
- Marshal.

CLARK: Oh. Sorry.

It's no sweat.

Give me five, partner.

That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp.
He's wearing jogging shoes.

They used to, Rusty.

Hey, Knucklehead. Set us up
with four redeyes, will you?

Hey, yellow-belly.
I'm talking to you.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, tenderfoot. Move your
chicken wings, turkey.

[LAUGHING]

Clark. That's not nice.

It's all part of the act, hon.

Hey, underpants.

Hey, yellow...

ELLEN: Clark!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm all right.

[LAUGHS]

I don't think that's very funny. A noise
like that could impair the kids' hearing.

Oh, come on.

It was real. It looked real, didn't it?
Hell, I thought it was a real gun.

Didn't it look real
when I fell down, hon?

- What?
- Didn't it look real, sweetie?

- What?
- Are you happy now, Clark?

- She's deaf.
- What's the difference?

It was fun anyway. Let's have
a drink. What do you say?

Pardon me, sir?

Catherine said we
just stay on 50.

Well, I was thinking about
shooting over to 54...

- and zipping down to Liberal.
- What for?

- The House of Mud.
- What's the House of Mud?

It's only the largest freestanding
mud dwelling ever built, that's all.

You see, kids, the pioneers didn't
have bricks, so they used mud.

They didn't use mud,
they used sod, Dad.

Right, Audrey, and when they
ran out of sod, they used mud.

Clark, let's just skip
the House of Mud.

I think Dodge City was
enough for one day.

Besides, Catherine and
Eddie are expecting us.

It's living history, Ellen.

But if you'd rather
see your cousins...

it's okay by me.

Personally, I'd rather see
a pile of mud than Eddie.

- Knock it off.
- ELLEN: What's going on'?

Rusty is licking his hand
and touching me with it.

Clark, tell Rusty
to behave himself.

Rusty, behave yourself.

Audrey's eating peanut butter and
smiling with it all over her teeth.

Audrey, eat with
your mouth closed.

- No eating in the car, kids.
- You suck, you know that?

- Retard.
- I am trying to concentrate on the road.

RUSTY: What did you say?

[ELLEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

ELLEN: Stop it, both of you.
Just give me the peanut butter.

AUDREY: He started it! ELLEN:
I don't care who started it!

[KIDS & ELLEN ARGUING]

ELLEN: I don't care
who started it.

I don't want to hear another
word out of either one of you.

Clark, you're doing
80 miles an hour.

- Doesn't seem like it, does it?
- Slow down.

I don't know why. We're
making good time.

[SINGING] Love for sale

Appetizing, yummy love for sale

[DOG BARKING]

CATHERINE: Oh, they're
here. Eddie, come on.

Oh, I can't believe
it. It's been an age!

ELLEN: I never thought we'd
get out here, you look great!

- Eddie, get down here.
- Eddie, you look terrific.

- Ellen, how are you?
- I never thought you'd get here.

ELLEN: Good to see you.

Come and meet your second
cousins. Look how they've grown.

And you have lost
weight, Catherine.

Yeah, added a few more
mouths to the litter.

[CLARK & EDDIE CHUCKLING]

Let's see. Rusty and Audrey,
cousins Vicki and Dale.

- Hi.
- And this is Eddie Junior and this is Junior.

And this little moppet on
my skirts is Daisy-Mabel.

Well. How old are
you, little one?

- She was born without a tongue, Clark.
- CLARK: Ooh.

But don't worry about her. She whistles
like a bird and eats like a horse.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Take your little guests out back
and show them your worm farm.

Go on, scoot. Ellen,
come in the house.

- I've got so much to tell you.
- Look at the flowers. I love them.

Oh, boy. Look at that car.

Yeah, that's the
Family Truckster.

Boy, she's a beaut. I
like those green walls.

We had some trouble
in St. Louis.

So you're looking really...

fit.

This is the old homestead, huh?

[SIGHS]

Yeah, I don't know for
how long, though.

The bank's been after me
like flies on a rib roast.

Yeah. I know the feeling.

Fuck it.

- I bet you could use a cool one, huh?
- Now you're talking.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I'm going steady.
And I French kiss.

- So? Everyone does that.
- Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.

Want a worm?

No, thanks.

Hey, you got Pas-Man?

No.

You got Space Invaders?

Nope.

- You got Asteroids?
- No, but my dad does.

He can't even sit on
the toilet some days.

So, what do you do here, Dale?

Well...

I got a stack of nudie
books this high.

Oh, she's beautiful.

- Would you sell me any of them?
- Shit, no. I cherish these things.

I use them a lot.

How do you use a magazine?

I was getting to that.

A guy taught me something
really neat last year.

Did you ever bop your baloney?

[HUMMING]

I guess we're 11, aren't we?

- No, we're 12 with Aunt Edna.
- Aunt Edna? She's still alive?

Oh, you bet.

I can't wait to see the look on
Clark's face when he hears that.

Well, she came to help out when
Eddie ruptured his spleen...

and she's been with
us ever since.

She wanted to go back to
Phoenix a year ago...

but Eddie wouldn't let her.

Frankly, without her Social Security,
we'd never be able to live like this.

Gee, Cath, it looks like you've
really got your hands full.

Oh, it's not so bad.

Eddie says after the baby comes,
I can quit one of my night jobs.

How do you like yours, Clark?

Oh, medium-rare, a
little pink inside.

No, your bun. Light or dark?

Oh. Either way, it
doesn't matter.

Vicki, can I help you with
that Kool-Aid? Please?

EDDIE: Mm-mm-mm.

I don't know why they call this stuff Hamburger
Helper. It does just fine by itself.

I like it better than Tuna
Helper myself. Don't you, Clark?

You're the gourmet
around here, Ed. Heh.

No meat in this?

You get plenty of meat at home.
Be polite. Have some ketchup.

Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

Nothing but the best.

[CHUCKLES]

Aunt Edna. Helper's
getting cold.

Is that your Aunt Edna?

ELLEN: Aunt Edna. After all these
years. You're looking so good.

CLARK: Hi, Edna. Nice
to see you again.

You remember Clark, don't you?

You were the ones who sent me
the fruitcake for Christmas.

It made me so sick.

I'm sorry. We thought
you enjoyed fruitcake.

You enjoy throwing up every
five minutes, Claude?

- Clark.
- I thought so.

Well, am I going to eat or
am I gonna starve to death?

Catherine.

Did you tell Clark and
Ellen the good news?

No. I was just about to.

Catherine, what's the good news?

You're driving me to Phoenix.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

Junior Pig Competition?

You won this for raising a pig?

Yeah. First Place.

Does anybody know about it?

Everybody knows.

Vicki, don't get offended, but being
a farmer is not too cool, you know.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how cool...

is this?

I'm real glad that things are
going good for you, Clark.

Mm-hm. Tsk.

I got laid off when they closed
that asbestos factory. Ahem.

And now, wouldn't you know it...

the Army cut my
disability pension...

because they said the plate in
my head wasn't big enough. Shoo.

Eddie, Clark and Ellen don't
want to hear about our troubles.

No, no. It's very interesting.

Why don't you just ask him
for the money, Eddie?

He sure as hell
can't take a hint.

Well, I didn't want to ask
you, Clark, you know, but...

Could you, maybe, spare
a little extra cash?

Sure, Eddie.

[CHUCKLES]

How much do you need?

About $52,000.

Goodbye, baby.

And you'll send those checks?

- All taken care of.
- Okay.

- Okay, let's go. Come on, Edna.
- Lay off, lay off.

Well, gotta be going.

- What's this?
- This is for you, Clark.

Oh, what is it?

- Gift.
- You didn't have to buy me a gift, Eddie.

Oh, go on, open it.

Oh.

Oh, Eddie, you shouldn't have.

- You really shouldn't have.
- RUSTY: Those are great, Dad.

- Quiet down, Russ.
- EDDIE: Try them on.

No, I don't want
to get them dirty.

I told you he wouldn't
like them, Eddie.

- CLARK: I love them.
- I knew you did...

because the last time I saw you you
remarked about how much you liked mine.

- Well, I guess we'd better be going.
- Yeah.

- Whew.
- Ha-ha.

- Bye, Eddie.
- Bye, Ellen.

- Bye, Clark. It's was great having you here.
- Goodbye. Thank you. Okay.

Here he is, Uncle Clark,
all walked and everything.

What is this? A dog?

He's Aunt Edna's. His name is
Dinky. He watches Family Feud.

Oh. Hi, how are
you, little fellow?

[G ROWLS THEN BARKS]

Easy.

Yeah. You folks didn't get
to meet Dinky last night.

He had the shits, so
he slept in the barn.

Ah. Well, great. Better make some
space for him in the back. Come on.

[GROWLING]

Ow! No. No. Sit, sit.
Roll over. Come on, heel.

- Here. Have a good trip.
- Thanks, Vic.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

CATHERINE: Bye! Bye, kids,
bye, Aunt Edna. Bye-bye!

Look at these sandwiches.
Here, Aunt Edna.

EDNA: Thank you.

Audrey.

Oh, Rusty, stop playing with the
dog and come and have some lunch.

[DOG GROWLING]

Oh, Clark, look.

Your favorite,
baloney and cheese.

And what should I have?

Maybe some fruit or
something like that.

Mom, my sandwich is all wet.

Well, they're all wet.

Oh, God. The dog went
on the picnic basket.

Russ, look.

Excellent. They have a pool.

Aren't the woods beautiful?

Clark. Dinkums needs a
long walk and a bath.

Rusty, take care of Dinkums.

- Dad, he bites.
- CLARK: Bite him back.

[RINGING]

- We'd like three tents for the night, please.
- All right. That'll be $37.

Thirty-seven dollars
for three tents?

Oh, they're very nice tents.

And that price includes
scenery and wildlife fun.

Oh, come on, Clark. It
seems like a nice place.

It's got a pool and everything.

- All right.
- Here you go.

- Fill out that.
- CLARK: Mm-hm.

Clark W. Griswold.
You want my street?

Please.

- What do you need my address for?
- We like to send out a mailer.

AUDREY: I can't wait to
get in. RUSTY: Me, too.

Get our bathing...

Ugh.

That's disgusting.

Too cheap to pay for
a hotel room, huh?

Ooh. Clark, this tent smells.

Edna, this is your tent.

[FLIES BUZZING]

[COUGHING]

ELLEN: Sp... Sparky.

- This isn't very romantic.
- Isn't it?

No, I don't think there's enough
room for two in this sleeping bag.

Honey, right now, we're one.

- One heart beating for two.
- Oh, Sparky.

[GROWLING]

Sparky, there's a wild animal.

- Yeah.
- No.

- I know, I'm gonna go for it, honey.
- Wild animal... No.

Ow! Get off. Down. Go.

I'm sorry, honey.
It's Dinky. Get off!

I'll kill that dog.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry.

[GRUNTS]

Ah.

What do you say, honey? Uhn!

In spite of all the little problems,
it really is fun, isn't it?

No.

But with every new day
there's fresh hope.

Hey, kids, let's go.

We're losing daylight here.

Hey, did you walk him?

Yeah. He took a big one
on Aunt Edna's blanket.

- Good boy.
- EDNA: Help!

Oh, boy. Go take care of Aunt
Edna. I'll take the leash.

[DOG GROWLS THEN BARKS]

CLARK: Uh-Oh, uh-oh.

Roll over. Ow.

Dinky.

Ow! You're tearing my flesh!

Good morning, Edna. Ah! No,
Dinky. Sit. Roll over.

Ah. Ah, OW!

Audrey, you're next.

- No way, José.
- Hey, Audrey.

[SNIFFS]

What's the problem?

Ma, I had to sit next to Aunt Edna
last time. She smells like mothballs.

Anyway, it's her turn.

For your information, Rusty slept
in his underpants last night.

- Yeah, I did.
- Hey, hey, hey! Easy, kids. Cut it out.

Everybody in the car, boat
leaves in two minutes.

Or perhaps, you don't want to see the
second-largest ball of twine on earth.

Which is only four
short hours away.

[CHUCKLES]

[RATTLING]

Sweetie, do you
hear that rattle?

- Where is it coming from?
- Beats the heck out of me.

I've been looking for it ever since
we left. It's driving me crazy.

RUSTY: God, Dad, check
it out behind you.

Oh, shoot. Now
what have we done?

[SIREN WAILING]

- Will you hold my purse?
- Huh?

Just hold my purse.

[SIREN STOPS]

Hello, officer.
What's the problem?

Get out of the car.

I don't think I was
speeding. Was I weaving?

Shut your mouth, sir.

If I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your
skull with the butt of this revolver...

faster than you could
say "police brutality."

Well, officer, whatever it is I've
done, I'm sure I can explain.

Explain this, you
son of a bitch.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what the penalty for
animal cruelty is in this state?

No, sir, I don't.

Well...

It's probably pretty stiff.

You can't think I'd do
this on purpose, sir.

Look, I tied him to the rear
bumper when I was packing the car.

It was very confusing,
I must've forgot.

I'm very sorry. I feel terrible.

How do you think that
little dog feels?

[SHIVERS]

Look, I told you I was sorry.
It really was an accident.

Yeah. I guess I can
buy that, sir.

But it is a shame.

I had a pooch like
this when I was a kid.

[VOICE BREAKING]
Poor little guy.

He probably kept up with
you for a mile or so.

- Tough little mutt.
- Tough.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

EDNA: I was afraid you'd
get pulled over, Clark.

You've been exceeding the speed
limit for thousands of miles.

Dad wasn't speeding. The cop
stopped us because Dad forgot...

- He was speeding, Rusty.
- RUSTY: No, he wasn't, Mom.

Russ! Listen to your
mother. I was speeding.

I was driving like a maniac.

We can all be grateful to
this man for stopping us.

- You see, a car...
- Here's the leash.

I'm going to get the rest of
the carcass off the road.

- Thank you, officer.
- See you.

Have a nice day.

[EDNA WHIMPERING]

EDNA: This your idea
of a good restaurant?

Dog killer.

ELLEN: I'm sure the
food is just fine.

Uh-uh-uh. New car, I'll take it.

WOMAN: Thank you.
CLARK: Thank you.

Oh, kids. Oh, kids. Mm-mm.

Waitress.

[SNORING]

[HORN HONKING]

[EXCLAIMS]

What happened?

What happened to your hair?

You're sweating.

- Are you blushing?
- Don't be silly.

Are you all right, Clark?

Hell, yes. I'm fine.
I'm having a ball.

[SIGHS]

Come on, honey, look at the
mountains, breathe the air.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES]

Put on a happy face for me.

I guess there's not much
more that can happen to us.

I think the worst is behind us.

[THUDDING]

ELLEN: Clark, I need
my vanity case.

We've got to go back
and look for it.

All my credit cards are in it.

Honey, number one, I've already called
the bank and told them you've lost them.

B, there's no way we're gonna find
it. We don't know where it fell off.

And three, I've got my credit cards and
we've still got plenty of cash. Okay?

No, we don't. You
gave $500 to Eddie...

and everything has cost twice
as much as you figured out.

There's nothing in that luggage
that can't be replaced.

Except for your diaphragm.

We can always cash a
check down the road.

Don't you trust me?

As long as you don't tie
me to the rear bumper.

That hurt, Ellen.

ELLEN: Clark, I think we're
lost. CLARK: We're not lost.

Will you please let
me do the driving?

ELLEN: I honestly don't think you're gonna
find the Grand Canyon on this road.

CLARK: Jesus, it's only the biggest
god-damn hole in the world.

EDNA: Clark, watch
your language.

CLARK: Make that the
second-biggest.

Dad, I haven't seen
a car for an hour.

Shut up, Audrey. You don't think
Dad knows where he's going?

- Thank you, Russ.
- You're lost.

- I saw some detour signs.
- CLARK: I didn't see any.

I saw them when you and Mom
were trying to fold the map.

When they close a road they put
up big signs. Like this one.

[ALL SCREAM]

[TIRES BURST]

[GROANING]

- I think I broke my nose.
- I stabbed my brain.

L 1118i got my period.

I'd better check under the hood.

ELLEN: Audrey, gather up the
clothes and put them in a pile.

Rusty, find the first-aid
kit, then get the suitcases.

Mom, where can I go
to the bathroom?

Find a bush, Audrey.

RUSTY: Dad, you must've jumped
this thing about 5O yards.

CLARK: It's nothing to
be proud of, Rusty.

Fifty yards. Heh.

EDNA: Ellen! Ellen,
get me out of here.

Stay in the car. It's hot
and dangerous out here.

Don't you tell me what to
do. I'll do what I want.

I should never have come
on this trip with you.

I should have taken an airplane.

And he... He shouldn't even have a
license to drive an automobile.

He should be behind bars.

Sit down and shut up.

Move out of that seat,
and I'll split your lip.

Rusty, come on up here.

Hello, Russ.

I'm gonna hike down the road
to find a service station.

I want you to stay here
and take care of things.

- You'll be okay, Dad?
- Oh, sure, sure, sure.

You know, I haven't had much of a
chance to talk to you man to man, Russ.

Well, I've only been a
man a few days, Dad.

[CHUCKLES]

You're growing up so damn fast.

I've spent the last 15
years of my life...

developing newer and
better food additives.

I guess I've missed
an awful lot.

At first, I didn't want
to take this vacation.

But now I'm glad I did.

It's given me a chance to spend
a lot more time with you and...

- Audrey.
- Audrey. Yeah.

[SIGHS]

You know, it's been real fun
for me, too, Dad. Really.

Except for Aunt Edna.

Oh, she doesn't mean to
be a pain in the rump.

It's just the way she is.

- Let's not let it spoil our fun.
- I won't.

You know, maybe she'd be nicer
if she had a family of her own.

You know, instead of always having
to glom onto someone else's.

You're a pretty
bright little guy.

Excuse me. Man.

[CHUCKLES]

[SOBS]

It's okay, Dad.

You know what I wanna do?

When I was your age, my dad
shared a beer with me...

and I thought it was the
best thing in the world.

Ahh...

[SIGHS]

When I was a boy, just about every
summer we'd take a vacation.

And you know, in 18 years...

we never had fun.

But now I have my own family.

And we're on our own vacation.

- And you know something, Russ?
- What, Dad?

We're gonna have fun.

We're gonna have fun.

[BURPS]

Hey. Don't let your mother smell beer on
your breath. She'll take it out on me.

Well, I better get a move on if I
want to get us out of here by dark.

Good talk, son.

Good talk, Dad.

Clark?

I just had a good talk with Rusty.
You'll be in good hands here, honey.

Where are you going?

There's gotta be a phone or a gas
station around here somewhere, honey.

All right, but if you're
not back in an hour...

I'll be fine. You'll be fine. I'm
sure this happens all the time.

A patrol car will
be by any minute.

CLARK [SINGING]: Over the
river and through the woods

To Grandmother's house we go Ho!

A thousand bottles of beer on the
wall A thousand bottles of beer

Four bottles of beer

If one of those bottles
should happen to fall

I love a parade

The trampling of feet I love
every beat I hear of a drum

I love a parade

[COUGHS]

I hear a band I just wanna stand

CLARK: We pass a god-damn gas station
every 100 yards for 1,000 miles.

But when you really need one, you
end up walking your ass off.

This is no way to run a desert.

Jesus. I'm gonna die.
That's it! I'm dying.

What an asshole.

CLARK: Taxi. Taxi? Taxi!

Dead. I'm dead.

Taxi! Here boy.

Heat. The heat. I'm dying.
I'm dead. I'm finished.

[GRUNTING]

Hot. Hot.

Hot wrist.

[MUTTERING]

Mom, Mommy?

[SCREAMING]

ELLEN: I'm not sure of his
exact height and weight.

All I know is the man was
a saint with children...

and a genius with
food additives...

and he was... Clark!

[IN HOARSE VOICE] Ellen!

[ELLEN SCREAMS]

- I was so worried.
- Russ.

- ELLEN: What are you doing?
- Russ, Russ!

Audrey? Audrey.

Have you grown?

- ELLEN: Are you all right?
- I feel fine.

What happened? How
did you get here?

Well, these two nice Indians and a
man on a camel called a tow truck.

- Daddy's back.
- A camel?

A camel. Hey, kids,
are you thirsty?

- Yeah, I bet you are, too.
- You said it.

[HORN HONKING]

Okay. What do I owe you?

Never heard of no one so shit-all
stupid as you driving off that road.

You must have got
manure for your brains.

Yes, well, I'm from out of town.

What's the bill?

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, come on. How much?

How much you got?

No, I'm asking how
much the repairs are.

And I'm asking you,
how much you got?

You're out of your mind.

I don't have time to play
around. How much is it?

All of it, boy.

What does your sheriff think
of your business practices?

[LAUGHING]

Audrey, honey, how much
babysitting money do you have?

- How come?
- How much?

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just spent $500 on
four bald tires and a tow.

How much do you have, Audrey?

- Thirty-five.
- She has $40, Dad.

How would you know unless you
went in my purse, you sneak?

Have you been going through
her private property?

I don't give a frog's fat
ass who went through what.

We need money.

Edna, how much do you have?

She's asleep, Clark.

Russ, wanna look
through Edna's purse?

Clark.

CLARK: Unzip it, Russ.

- RUSTY: She has 11 cents, Dad.
- Terrific.

ELLEN: The motel will
cash your check.

They better. We're
gonna run out of gas.

I'm sorry, sir. I can't
accept this credit card.

- Why not?
- The computer says it's been reported lost.

Oh, no. You see, my wife lost her cards
in Colorado and I had to report it.

The computer is probably saying
I lost mine, which I haven't.

Well, you'll have to straighten
that outwith your bank.

- Would you take a personal check?
- For how much?

- Three-hundred dollars.
- I can't do that, sir.

I've lost all my cash. We're
on our way to California.

- Walley World?
- Yeah. Walley World.

And I'm sort of stuck between
a rock and a hard place.

- You know, I'd really appreciate it.
- Not without a major credit card.

I have $6.13 to my name...

so I can see we're gonna
have to work something out.

I've already told you I
can't accept a check...

without a major credit card.

I'm making this out for $1,000.

All you have to do is give me
$300 in cash, and keep $70G...

all for doing nothing more than
acting like a total creep.

The only thing I can do...

is have you stay here
until the check clears.

Ten working days.

Okay, let's go, come on.
Ha-ha. Where is Edna?

- She's in the car.
- Good. Come on, get in the car.

Don't you want to look
at the Grand Canyon?

Great, let's go.

Rusty, up and at them.

What?

Crack open those sandwiches
I got at the gas station.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a sandwich
from a gas station. Ha-ha-ha.

There's one for everyone.

Audrey, wake up Aunt Edna. It's time
for her to eat and take her pill.

Please, get off me.

Mom, tell Audrey to quit
pushing Aunt Edna on me.

I'm sick of her lying
on me all the time.

Be quiet.

- Auntie?
- Honey, it's only a few hours to Phoenix.

- Let her be, she's fine.
- She's not fine.

CLARK: She's fine.
Don't be silly.

She's not fine, Clark.

She's dead.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[CLARK MUTTERING]

AUDREY: She breathed on me. A
dead person breathed on me.

RUSTY: Her hand touched me.
She's stiff already. Ugh.

CLARK: Ugh.

Goddamn it, anyway.

She must have passed away
somewhere near Flagstaff.

What are we going to do, Clark?

We could leave her here.
The first phone we pass...

we could call your cousin and
he could come and get her.

That's the meanest, coldest...

What do you want me to do,
call Federal Express?

We don't have to ride with
a dead person, do we?

Please say we don't.

It'd be real easy for
Cousin Normie to find her.

All he'd have to do is
look for the buzzards.

Hell. We'll drive her to Cousin
Normie's, for Pete's sake.

I just didn't want to get caught up in
a funeral, inquests and all that crap.

You are the most self-centered,
egotistical, manipulative...

Don't say anything
you'll regret, Ellen.

I'm being practical. If we
drove straight through...

we'd have three days at
Walley World at best. Three.

She can't weigh more
than 100 pounds.

Oh, no. You can't put
her up on that roof.

Yes, he can.

You want me to strap her to the hood?
What's the difference? She'll be fine.

It's not as if it's going
to rain or something.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

ELLEN: This is terrible. Ugh.

What a nightmare.

[RINGING DOORBELL]

Don't just blurt it
out about Edna dying.

How about if I ask him to
play twenty questions?

[RINGING DOORBELL]

- Oh, for Christ's sake, he isn't even home.
- Maybe the neighbors know where he is.

- Moron knows we're coming and isn't home.
- Normie's always been flighty.

- He's always been a jag-off.
- Will you watch your mouth?

There's a note.

"Have gone to Flagstaff.
Be back on Monday."

Jeez, what a worm.

ELLEN: Oh... Darn,
it's locked.

Okay, let's go.

We can't leave her on the patio.

You rather I slip her in the night-deposit
box at the funeral home? Come on.

It's raining all over her.

She can't catch a cold now, Mom.

Clark, we have to at
least say something.

Okay, bow your heads,
bow your heads.

Oh, God.

Ease our suffering in this,
our moment of great despair.

Yea, admit this good and decent woman
into thine arms and the flock...

in thine heavenly area up there.

And Moab he laidest down behind
the land of the Canaanites.

And, yea, though the
Hindus speak of karma...

- Clark.
- I implore you...

- give her a break.
- Clark.

[SINGING]

Clark, this is a serious
matter. I'll do it myself.

Honey, I'm not an ordained
minister. I'm doing my best, okay?

Lord, we love this woman
with all our hearts.

- Let's not overdo it, Mom.
- Shut up.

We know she deserves
better than this...

but my husband wants his beloved
family to get to Walley World...

to have their vacation.

I hope you understand.
Have mercy on his soul.

Amen. Let's go. Come on.

I hope you kids have learned
something about life and death.

AUDREY: Yeah. Don't die
unless somebody's home.

Normie will understand when he sees
the note we pinned on Edna's sleeve.

Sure. You left his dead mother tied
to a lawn chair in his backyard.

I'm sure he won't mind.

Look, it's all over
and done with.

We'll find a place to stay and start
fresh in the morning. It's fine.

I don't want to be in the car
anymore. I want to go home.

I don't want to go
to Walley World.

Clark, under the circumstances, I
wouldn't mind if we just went home.

In retrospect, it seems like a
pretty bad idea driving out.

It's been one disaster
after another.

Yeah, it's been a
real drag, Dad.

Maybe we can try it
some other time.

- Walley World's overrated anyway.
- What do you think?

[TIRES SQUEAL

I think you're all
fucked in the head.

We're ten hours from the fucking
fun park and you want to bail out.

Well, I'll tell you something.
This is no longer a vacation.

It's a quest. It's
a quest for fun.

I'm gonna have fun and
you're gonna have fun.

We're all gonna have
so much fucking fun...

we'll need plastic surgery to
remove our god-damn smiles.

You'll be whistling "zippity-doo-dah"
out of your assholes.

[LAUGHS]

I gotta be crazy. I'm on a
pilgrimage to see a moose.

Praise Marty Moose. Holy shit.

Dad, do you want an
aspirin or something?

Don't touch.

Next time you have one
of your outbursts...

I'd appreciate if you'd have some
consideration for your kids.

- What are you talking about?
- You don't know?

All I know is I'm trying to treat
my family to a little fun.

Spare me, Clark. I know
your brand of family fun.

Tomorrow you'll probably kill the
desk clerk, hold up a McDonald's...

and drive us a thousand miles out of the way
to see the world's largest ball of mud.

You know what your
problem is, Ellen?

You have a knack for looking at the dark
side of things. That's your problem.

You wouldn't know a good
time if it bit you.

- Where are you going?
- What do you care?

[PIANO PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Waiting for someone?

No. Ahem. Do you
mind if I sit clown?

[CHUCKLES]

Fancy seeing you here.

Having a nice little
family vacation?

[CHUCKLING] Oh. No.

It would appear so,
wouldn't it? No, no.

No, the truth of it is, and
this is highly confidential...

I own this motel.

Own the whole chain, nationwide.
Twenty-two hundred units.

Yeah, once a year, I travel
across the country, incognito.

Check things out, and see how
the operation is running.

I thought you were gonna say
you worked for the CIA.

[LAUGHS]

- That's an old bit, huh?
- Really.

Oh, no. No, I'm
not with the CIA.

I was, but that was
a long time ago.

I don't like to talk
about it, really.

No, I'm mostly interested
in my motels now.

- And my airline.
- That's great.

I'm just trying to
have a little fun.

It's too bad you're married.

I'm in the mood for some fun.

Married?

Oh, you mean those
people I'm with?

That's my brother's family.

My brother's ring.

I usually borrow them on these
little inspection tours of mine.

It sort of helps to complete the
disguise. It's fun for them.

It's a good disguise. I like
the station-wagon effect.

Yeah? Well, that's
a big part of it.

You know, in order to be convincing, you
have to look and act like an ordinary jerk.

You know, stop at all the stupid
sites and look like a fool.

Basically, be yourself?

Yeah.

You like the disguise?

CLARK: Yeah, my credo is, if
you have to have a credo...

you know, "Go for
it," pretty much.

You only go around this crazy
merry-go-round once. You know?

- I agree.
- Yeah.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Yeah, that's my credo.

You don't have to
have a credo, but...

If the fur fits, wear it.

A penny saved,
pennies from heaven.

My favorite credo, oh, ha-ha...

um, you know, a
penny saved, and...

Thank you.

[WATER SPLASHING]

Wow. This feels great.

Well...

are you gonna go for it?

Uh... Here?

For starters, sure.

Why not'? Don't you swim?

Oh, sure. Ha-ha.

Sure, I took third in the state
finals in my senior year.

Yeah, I swim. Heck, yes.

Oh, yeah, I feel completely
at ease in the water.

Yeah, l...

I'm proficient in many
strokes and I dive.

As a matter of fact, I
could've been in the Olympics.

Yeah, uh... Yeah,
I'll be right there.

Yeah.

This is crazy, this is
crazy, this is crazy.

[EXHALES]

- How's the water?
- Exhilarating.

I'm in deep, I'm in deep.

Ah! Cold!

Jesus. Fuck. Ah!

Clark?

CLARK: Cold!

Jesus! Ah!

Clark?

- Hi, honey.
- What are you doing?

Uh... Swimming.

Yeah, my back was killing me.

I thought, you know, a good hot
swim would loosen up the muscles.

Why go to the car and get the
bathing suit? Jump right in.

It's exhilarating.

Guess what, honey? This
person here was here.

I didn't see this person...

so I screamed, that's why I
yelled. I was so surprised.

You can imagine,
can't you, honey?

Honey?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Uh...

Will you excuse me?

If you have to go.

Well, I'd stay if I weren't
married, but I am.

I know.

- I hope I didn't spoil your evening.
- No, it's been interesting.

Well, enjoy the
rest of your trip.

You, too.

[ALL CHATTERING]

I can't believe this.

I am so humiliated.

Cut it out, Audrey. You don't
even know how to inhale.

So?

Maybe I don't want to.

You're such a dork, Audrey.

How can he do this to Mom?

They'll probably get a divorce.

I'd better go talk to him.

- Hey, squirt.
- Hey, Dad.

What are you doing up?

You woke the whole
motel up, Dad.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

I was swimming.

Yeah, I saw you.

Russ, come here a minute.

[SIGHS]

Russ...

you know I wouldn't do
anything to hurt your morn.

It's been a long drive...

and, jeez, I work...

I work very hard for you
and Audrey and your morn.

I guess when you get older
you get these feelings...

and these feelings make you do
things you wouldn't normally do.

- Like swimming naked with girls?
- Yeah. Like swimming naked with girls.

Well, not with girls. You think
I was swimming with girls?

It was just one girl.
I saw that girl.

Who, that girl?

Oh, no, that's a waitress.
No, I was just ordering in.

She's a pool waitress. I was...

ordering some fish for
you and Audrey and Mom.

- She took your order?
- She took my order, yeah. Ha-ha.

Swimming waitress.

You understand, don't you, Russ?

Sure, I understand.

Do you think Mom will buy it?

Good talk, son.

Go to bed, Russ.

Goodnight.

Ellen?

Ellen?

Honey?

Are you mad?

No.

Do you like that girl?

Is that what you want?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

How could I like a
girl like that?

She's ugly-

I love you.

I'm sorry about everything.

I got angry because you
were right and I knew it.

I was hurt, honey.

I'm sorry, too. It's
not all your fault.

I know you've been trying.

I'm gonna try, too.

I know how to have fun.

And I'm going to prove it.

- Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Ellen? What are we doing?

Honey, you don't have to
prove anything to me.

Come on, Clark. I want us
to have some fun together.

- Come on.
- The water's very...

ELLEN: Fuck! Aah!

Ooh!

Aah!

Aah!

CLARK: We must be
getting close.

We're almost there. Everybody
just take it easy.

Just take it easy.
We're gonna be there.

I know we're getting close.
What is that? What is that?

There it is.

Walley World, next three exits.

- Dad! Whoa!
- Walley World!

We made it, damn it. We made it.

The Griswolds are one hell of
a family, huh? We made it!

[FAMILY CHATTERING]

Don't get too much sun,
now. Watch out. Watch out.

Oh.

It's beautiful.

It's just beautiful.

Oh, darling.

- We made it.
- You did it, Clark. Sparky.

I love you guys. I love. I love.

CLARK: Aah. First ones
here. First ones here.

First ones here.

ELLEN: But we're so
far away, Clark.

Right, right. And at the end of the
day, when the lot's all full...

and everybody's fighting to get out,
we'll be the first ones out, too.

Why? Because we're
the Griswolds.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Come on, I'll race you.

MARTY [ON RECORDING]: Sorry, folks.
We're closed for two weeks...

to clean and repair America's
favorite family fun park. Sorry.

[MARTY CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[DISTORTED VOICE] Sorry,
folks. We're closed...

Clark. What are you doing?

We watch his program.

We buy his toys. We go to
his movies. He owes us.

Doesn't he owe us, huh?

He owes the Griswolds, right?

Fucking A right, he owes us.

- Clark, you're scaring me.
- Don't be scared.

I just think somebody owes us
an explanation, that's all.

- Come on. Come on, come on.
- Clark, now just a minute.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

Honey, you wanna check the
mileage for me, please?

- ELLEN: Where are you going?
- I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna get
some sporting goods.

[HORNS HONKING]

CLARK: Thank you, thank you.

ELLEN: Clark, will
you listen to me?

Let's just find a hotel. I'll call
my parents, they'll wire us money.

We can fly home and forget
this vacation ever happened.

Honey, relax. I told you I'm not angry
anymore. I'm in complete control.

I'm sure they're not repairing
every ride at the same time.

I think they owe us a little
explanation and a little fun, okay?

Whatever happens, just trust me.
Will you just trust me? Huh, kids?

Sorry, folks, park's closed. The moose
out front should have told you.

- Yes, we're here to see Mr. Roy Walley.
- What is your name, sir?

Clark W. Griswold.

What's this regarding,
Mr. Gristle?

We're here, public relations...
Summer inspection.

- Personal matter. Inspection.
- Ah.

Well, nobody notified
this office of anything.

Well, I'm notifying you.

I'm afraid I'm gonna need
more than that, sir.

Okey-dokey. How's this?

[WHIMPERS]

Clark, have you lost your
mind? Where did you get that?

Sporting goods store. You
listen to me, fat ass.

Do what I say and there
won't be any problem, okay?

We just drove 2460 miles, just for
a little Roy Walley entertainment.

The moose says you're
closed. I say you're open.

We're not really violent people.

This is our first gun.

CLARK: No, it isn't.

- What's going on here?
- You. Freeze. Freeze.

Sit! Sit, come on.

Lie down. Let's go, lie down.

Roll over.

Stay.

Okay. Okay. Let's ride.
Let's ride. Come on.

Stay.

Yee-hoo. This is
scary, isn't it?

Make sure you keep your hands
on the handlebars at all times.

- We don't want any accidents.
- Ls that a real gun, Mom?

I don't know, Rusty. But
when this is all over...

your father may be going
away for a little while.

Boy, I sure am bushed. Have
you had enough yet, sir?

What do you mean, bushed?

Where are the big
rides? The big ones?

Screamie Mimi! Let's
go. Get in the front.

Come on.

Huh?

Has your father ever
killed anyone before?

Oh, just a dog. Oh,
and my Aunt Edna.

- Hey. You can't prove that, Rusty.
- Ooh.

Rusty? May I call you Rusty?

I had a bad experience on
this ride once before.

What happened?

I threw up.

[WHIMPERING]

No, don't do that again.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY

Goodie, goodie, goodie! The Loop-D-Loop.
Come on, get in there. Let's go.

- Please, don't push.
- Come on, Audrey.

Isn't this fun, honey? Come on.

That's not a real
gun, is it, Clark?

What? Are you kidding?
This is a Magnum P.l.

It's a BB gun.

Don't try me. I could put
an eye out with this.

- You couldn't break the skin with that.
- It could. It could break the skin.

It could lodge under the skin
and cause a bad infection.

- That's an old wives' tale, Clark. I'm telling.
- You're not going...

- Ooh!
- Clark.

See, I told you. I warned you.

If you wrecked these pants,
you're paying for them.

Yeah, I'll pay for them.
You'll pay for them.

LASKY: Why did you shoot me?
CLARK: It's a BB gun. I told you.

- LASKY: Well it hurt.
- What do you want?

- Why'd you shoot me?
- You tried to run away.

LASKY: I wasn't going anywhere.
CLARK: I thought you were.

RUSTY: This is great, Dad!

[SCREAMING]

[CLARK LAUGHING]

- Whoa.
- Ow!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Freeze!

Don't shoot.

MAN: You, out.

All right, hands
behind your heads.

Spread your legs apart.

And up against the wall.
You two, over there.

- Just a BB gun.
- You're all under arrest.

You have the right
to remain silent.

- If you give up the right to remain silent...
- Watch your hands, mister.

In a court of law.

How many are there? A lot of them?
What, five? What, are they Arabs?

Whatever they want, pay
them. We'll pay them.

- What's going on?
- We've got it under control.

- These people are terrorists.
- Where?

- There.
- Them?

- LASKY: Hello, Mr. Walley.
- He treated me like a dog, Mr. Walley.

- He humiliated my human decency!
- What did he do with your dog?

He kidnapped me, but I wanna
tell you, I had a great time.

It's the most fantastic time I ever
had. I like where I was way up high...

I'm glad you liked it.
Now, what's happening?

- That's Roy Walley, honey.
- ELLEN: I know!

Mr. Walley, my name
is Russ Lasky.

- I met you at the summer picnic last year.
- I don't remember.

- They kidnapped my men.
- I was the one who was sick.

Anyway, I went on all the rides,
and I didn't get sick this time.

- Normally, I get sick on all your rides...
- Quiet!

Uh... Mr. Walley? Roy'?

I think I can make some
sense out of this.

Well, somebody better explain...

or there'll be a lot
of explaining to do.

- I'm Clark W. Griswold.
- Uh-huh.

And, oh, this is my wife, Ellen.

Hi. We're really big fans of yours.
We watch your show all the time.

- Oh.
- And my children, Audrey and Rusty.

- ROY: Nice family.
- Heh-heh.

CLARK: Uh...

- We're from Chicago, Roy. The Windy City.
- Yes, I've been there many times.

We just spent two weeks of
living hell driving out here.

We lost a very dear member
of the family along the way.

But the important thing, Roy...

is that we could've gone anywhere
we wanted to this summer.

Anywhere in the world.

But when I asked my kids...

And I said... Kids, remember when I said,
"Where would you like to go this summer?"

- What did you say?
- Hawaii?

Shut up, Russ. Audrey,
you remember?

Uh... Walley World, Dad?

Walley World, Dad.
Roy Walley World.

I don't imagine you
have any children.

Are you kidding? I have seven.

I thought so. Seven, did
you hear that, honey?

You look so young.

- You do look very young.
- Oh? Well.

Did you ever drive
them across country?

Oh, hell yes.

I took the whole clan to Florida one year.
The worst two weeks I ever had in my life.

The smell from the back seat was
unbearable. You know families.

I know that smell.
I know that smell.

But, Roy, can you imagine how
your kids would've felt...

if when you got to
Florida, it was closed?

Oh, they don't close Florida.

I know they don't close the state
of Florida. But, you know...

when we got here, to
Roy Walley World...

and it was closed down, Roy...

If you had seen the look
on my kids' faces...

- I just went a little haywire.
- You went a lot haywire, if you ask me.

Well, I'm very sorry, sir. And
I'm sorry to all these people.

I didn't mean any harm.

I just want you to ask yourself
one thing. If you were...

If you were me...

wouldn't you do the same
thing for your children?

- No.
- MAN: We're all finished here, Mr. Walley.

You want me to take them
downtown and book them?

Um...

No. No.

Forget it, officer. I'm not
gonna press any charges.

[YELLS]

Walley. Good, huh? What did I
tell you? Did I say trust me?

Huh? Ha-ha-ha.

[ALL SCREAMING]