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♪
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ROSEANNE: Dan?
3
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Dan! My knee went out.
4
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I sat down, and I can't get up.
5
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Fire!
6
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Mom, are you okay?
7
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No, I'm stuck on the toilet!
8
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Yo, Top Gun, wake up. Charlie's in trouble.
9
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Mom's yelling "fire" in the bathroom,
10
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and I'm not going in.
11
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Oh.
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Dan!
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Hello, buttercup.
14
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May I be of service?
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Just give a good yank.
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- [GRUNTING] Upsy-daisy.
- [GROANS]
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[GROANS]
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Did you make the appointment
for your knee surgery yet?
19
00:00:43,751 --> 00:00:45,472
You know how doctors are, Dan.
20
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They say they can see you in a month,
21
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and then when you tell them
22
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you can't stand the pain any longer,
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they say, "We'll see you in a month."
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Quit stalling.
25
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[SCOFFS] We don't have the money, Dan.
26
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And a surgeon is not
gonna give it his best shot
27
00:01:03,921 --> 00:01:06,938
when you're paying him with
a coffee can full of nickels.
28
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I'm on it.
29
00:01:09,226 --> 00:01:10,893
I'm gonna get the next drywall job,
30
00:01:10,928 --> 00:01:12,552
no matter how low I have to bid.
31
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I wouldn't start
the negotiations like that.
32
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I'm gonna cut costs by doing
what everybody else is doing.
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Don't tell me you're gonna hire illegals.
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Hey!
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I'm also gonna use substandard materials.
36
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You know, if the union finds
out you're hiring those guys,
37
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they're gonna kick you out.
38
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That's a risk I'm gonna have to take.
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I'm not gonna stand by and
watch you suffer anymore,
40
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and I'm not gonna let you go back
to taking too many pain pills.
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Well, I don't want you to sacrifice
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anything for me, Dan,
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'cause that would give
you the upper hand,
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and that's not how this marriage was built.
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♪
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♪
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♪
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AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
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[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING]
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"Roseanne" is taped in
front of a live audience.
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- Oh, thanks, honey.
- Mm-hmm.
52
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You know, I didn't think I'd
get used to eating heart-smart,
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but this turkey bacon isn't bad.
54
00:02:36,775 --> 00:02:38,943
You know what would make it taste better?
55
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If you fed it to a big ol'
pig and then ate him.
56
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Hey, morning, Conners!
57
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I brought doughnuts.
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- Ooh!
- Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
59
00:02:49,922 --> 00:02:52,590
Finally, a man bringing
me something I really want.
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[CHUCKLES]
61
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Do you need another wife?
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Uh, let's see...
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That's another birthday to remember.
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I'll ask Anne-Marie, yeah.
65
00:03:01,968 --> 00:03:03,386
She'll be fine with it.
66
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We already decided when you guys die,
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we're gonna be old-lady lesbians
68
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that go on bus trips together.
69
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[CHUCKLES]
70
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Bus trips?
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We left you nothin'!
72
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[CHUCK AND DAN LAUGH]
73
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- Hey, Chuck...
- Huh?
74
00:03:19,227 --> 00:03:22,621
Didn't your uncle have
hip surgery a while back?
75
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How'd he afford that?
76
00:03:23,923 --> 00:03:25,169
County Hospital.
77
00:03:25,425 --> 00:03:26,825
Well, he actually had both hips done
78
00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:28,861
because they did the wrong one first.
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He should've gone to Mexico.
80
00:03:31,865 --> 00:03:34,233
They charge, like,
half of what they charge here.
81
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I've heard that.
82
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Yeah.
83
00:03:36,436 --> 00:03:37,533
Oh!
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Here's a doctor in Juarez
85
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who only charges a grand for a new knee,
86
00:03:43,643 --> 00:03:46,645
and he'll throw in moving
your nipples for free.
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Do I have to?
88
00:03:49,382 --> 00:03:51,617
What if I like my nipples where they are?
89
00:03:52,886 --> 00:03:54,019
Doesn't say.
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00:03:55,121 --> 00:03:57,904
Okay, I'm taking the rest of
these down to the union office.
91
00:03:58,057 --> 00:04:01,026
Okay, did you put in our bid
on that new condo project yet?
92
00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:02,355
I'm working on it.
93
00:04:04,236 --> 00:04:07,466
So, you're really gonna
hire those other guys
94
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:09,201
- instead of Chuck?
- [SIGHS]
95
00:04:09,235 --> 00:04:11,370
He's been your best friend for 30 years.
96
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:13,012
Thanks for the reminder.
97
00:04:15,308 --> 00:04:17,509
JACKIE: Soccer star coming through!
98
00:04:18,511 --> 00:04:20,198
Hey. How'd you do?
99
00:04:20,223 --> 00:04:21,413
They put me in for one play,
100
00:04:21,448 --> 00:04:24,349
and I accidentally scored
a goal for the other team.
101
00:04:25,552 --> 00:04:27,486
The winning goal.
102
00:04:32,425 --> 00:04:35,129
Man, Jackie, Dan is still
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00:04:35,169 --> 00:04:37,381
talking about going non-union.
104
00:04:37,831 --> 00:04:40,362
You know, he's gonna lose
everything he's built.
105
00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:43,402
I got to find another
way to pay for this knee.
106
00:04:43,436 --> 00:04:45,334
You have anything you could sell?
107
00:04:45,605 --> 00:04:48,073
We should go through all those
old boxes in the basement,
108
00:04:48,107 --> 00:04:50,542
you know, and see if there's
anything of value in them.
109
00:04:50,577 --> 00:04:52,911
"We"? You always think
that I have nothing to do,
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00:04:52,946 --> 00:04:55,187
that I'm free to help
you whenever you want.
111
00:04:55,747 --> 00:04:57,999
Yeah, I'm sorry. That was rude.
112
00:04:58,618 --> 00:05:00,385
Are you available?
113
00:05:01,454 --> 00:05:02,721
Yes, I am.
114
00:05:04,078 --> 00:05:06,258
But if you'd asked me
two weeks from Thursday,
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00:05:06,292 --> 00:05:07,581
I wouldn't be.
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Unless it was the afternoon.
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♪
118
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[DOOR OPENS, RAIN POURING]
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Wake up, Morticia!
120
00:05:18,538 --> 00:05:20,239
[SIGHS] Leave me alone.
121
00:05:20,273 --> 00:05:22,074
I didn't get off work until 2:00.
122
00:05:22,108 --> 00:05:23,942
Mom said you weren't making a lot of tips,
123
00:05:23,977 --> 00:05:25,726
so I brought you something that could help.
124
00:05:26,522 --> 00:05:29,350
It's called the "waitress's best friend."
125
00:05:31,618 --> 00:05:33,951
Oh, man, this is perfect.
126
00:05:34,254 --> 00:05:36,522
[SIGHS]
127
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It's a push-up bra.
128
00:05:37,957 --> 00:05:40,323
It'll make you look anatomically correct.
129
00:05:41,928 --> 00:05:44,429
When do men ever have
to do anything like this
130
00:05:44,464 --> 00:05:45,706
to earn a living?
131
00:05:45,731 --> 00:05:48,512
You know, your attitude
is part of your problem.
132
00:05:48,935 --> 00:05:51,530
When you see a customer,
how do you greet them?
133
00:05:51,671 --> 00:05:53,038
I say, "What do you want?"
134
00:05:54,007 --> 00:05:56,505
That's what you say when a bum touches you.
135
00:05:58,344 --> 00:06:00,913
Look, the kind of guys you're waiting on
136
00:06:00,947 --> 00:06:03,393
are very simple creatures.
137
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,741
All you got to do
138
00:06:04,784 --> 00:06:07,323
is tell them you like something about them.
139
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,583
Like, when a guy orders, say,
"That's what I drink."
140
00:06:11,257 --> 00:06:13,425
Look, I really appreciate
you trying to help,
141
00:06:13,459 --> 00:06:15,227
but we're very different people.
142
00:06:15,261 --> 00:06:17,633
I'm kind of an introvert, and, um...
143
00:06:18,097 --> 00:06:19,858
I want to get the words right here...
144
00:06:20,094 --> 00:06:21,694
You're an alcoholic tramp.
145
00:06:24,604 --> 00:06:26,438
Why do we have to be hurtful?
146
00:06:28,841 --> 00:06:32,277
All I'm trying to say is
you're not an appealing person.
147
00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:36,361
You will have to flirt...
148
00:06:36,585 --> 00:06:38,368
And probably a lot...
149
00:06:39,018 --> 00:06:40,987
To take care of your kids.
150
00:06:41,688 --> 00:06:43,822
I didn't even flirt to have my kids.
151
00:06:45,024 --> 00:06:46,819
I just said, "What do you want?"
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♪
153
00:06:49,198 --> 00:06:50,532
Hey, look at this.
154
00:06:50,663 --> 00:06:53,365
I found Nana Mary's favorite hat.
155
00:06:53,399 --> 00:06:54,424
[LAUGHS]
156
00:06:55,234 --> 00:06:56,341
Look at that.
157
00:06:56,502 --> 00:06:59,871
Talk about passing down
something that everybody can use.
158
00:06:59,906 --> 00:07:02,005
[BOTH LAUGH]
159
00:07:02,308 --> 00:07:03,609
Oh, Jackie, look!
160
00:07:04,744 --> 00:07:07,179
I found Magdalena.
161
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[GASPS]
162
00:07:08,414 --> 00:07:09,649
Oh, my God.
163
00:07:10,260 --> 00:07:11,960
You know how many years it took me
164
00:07:11,985 --> 00:07:15,721
to get over Mom treating
that evil, glassy-eyed demon
165
00:07:15,755 --> 00:07:17,079
better than us?
166
00:07:17,590 --> 00:07:19,932
Yeah, you sound like you're over it.
167
00:07:20,259 --> 00:07:22,227
Yeah. Oh, she wouldn't let us play with it,
168
00:07:22,261 --> 00:07:23,495
wouldn't let us touch it.
169
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"Oh, don't touch her hair."
170
00:07:24,731 --> 00:07:26,494
I'm gonna brush her hair right now.
171
00:07:26,666 --> 00:07:27,866
No! Don't!
172
00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:29,334
Don't do anything to her
173
00:07:29,369 --> 00:07:31,616
'til we find out if she's worth any money.
174
00:07:32,338 --> 00:07:35,020
Mom said she was a Kestner.
175
00:07:35,341 --> 00:07:37,936
"This is my Kestner.
Isn't my Kestner precious?"
176
00:07:38,211 --> 00:07:39,645
No, she isn't!
177
00:07:40,913 --> 00:07:43,075
Oh, my God, Roseanne!
178
00:07:43,383 --> 00:07:45,183
She's worth $5,000.
179
00:07:45,218 --> 00:07:46,585
Oh, wow.
180
00:07:46,619 --> 00:07:48,720
Mom's right... She is worth more
181
00:07:48,755 --> 00:07:50,489
than both of us put together.
182
00:07:51,858 --> 00:07:54,026
Yeah, but that's not
what you whisper to your kids
183
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:55,627
when you're tucking them in.
184
00:07:56,796 --> 00:07:58,497
I think we should take her down
185
00:07:58,531 --> 00:08:00,732
and try to sell her at that antique mall.
186
00:08:01,801 --> 00:08:04,736
This little nightmare
might pay for my knee.
187
00:08:04,771 --> 00:08:07,468
Roseanne, it's a diary.
188
00:08:07,493 --> 00:08:08,927
[GASPS] This must be Mom's.
189
00:08:08,952 --> 00:08:09,908
Eugh.
190
00:08:09,942 --> 00:08:12,511
"Dear Diary, today my wonderful mommy
191
00:08:12,545 --> 00:08:14,680
brushed my hair with my special brush."
192
00:08:14,714 --> 00:08:15,947
This is Magdalena's diary!
193
00:08:15,982 --> 00:08:17,200
- Eww!
- Ohhh!
194
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,746
♪
195
00:08:22,746 --> 00:08:24,580
Hey, do you know if it's still raining out?
196
00:08:24,614 --> 00:08:27,450
I don't know. I'm stuck in this
windowless prison, like you.
197
00:08:29,269 --> 00:08:30,959
Oh, wait, um...
198
00:08:31,121 --> 00:08:32,297
I like...
199
00:08:33,824 --> 00:08:35,057
something about you.
200
00:08:35,092 --> 00:08:37,393
I'll... I'll have it when I get back.
201
00:08:37,427 --> 00:08:39,825
Before you go, I'll have a sloe gin fizz.
202
00:08:39,996 --> 00:08:42,098
Oh. Yeah, that's a great order.
203
00:08:42,132 --> 00:08:43,208
That's exactly what I drink.
204
00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:44,867
Been drinking it since I was a kid.
205
00:08:46,203 --> 00:08:47,236
Hey, don't run away.
206
00:08:47,270 --> 00:08:49,271
We've been trying to get
one of you girls all night.
207
00:08:49,306 --> 00:08:50,506
What can I get you?
208
00:08:50,540 --> 00:08:53,809
Uh, six shots of Jameson, 12 Coors Lights.
209
00:08:53,844 --> 00:08:56,779
Oh, great order. That's
exactly what I drink.
210
00:08:57,948 --> 00:09:00,616
Well, bring an extra one for you.
211
00:09:00,650 --> 00:09:03,853
And, uh, how about a kiss for good luck?
212
00:09:03,887 --> 00:09:05,254
I'm not gonna kiss you.
213
00:09:06,490 --> 00:09:08,924
'cause it'd be too darn hard to stop!
214
00:09:08,959 --> 00:09:10,226
[CLICKS TONGUE]
215
00:09:12,562 --> 00:09:13,529
[SIGHS]
216
00:09:13,563 --> 00:09:15,431
Can I borrow a clean bar rag?
217
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:19,335
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
218
00:09:21,171 --> 00:09:22,338
DEAN: You know, Kestners
219
00:09:22,372 --> 00:09:25,674
are amongst the most highly
sought-after dolls of the '20s.
220
00:09:25,709 --> 00:09:27,309
And it looks like, from the condition,
221
00:09:27,344 --> 00:09:29,278
she's been cared for by someone
222
00:09:29,312 --> 00:09:31,947
who had no children of her own to love.
223
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:35,898
Oh, yeah, she was barren and died alone.
224
00:09:36,219 --> 00:09:38,387
Ooh. Oh, no.
225
00:09:38,421 --> 00:09:41,557
Unfortunately, it looks
like she's been repaired.
226
00:09:41,591 --> 00:09:44,360
Ah! This is not this doll's original body.
227
00:09:44,394 --> 00:09:48,172
[GROANS] So I would say that she's worth...
228
00:09:49,234 --> 00:09:50,499
$100.
229
00:09:50,745 --> 00:09:53,002
A disappointment to the end!
230
00:09:54,938 --> 00:09:57,339
Can't you just strip her for spare parts?
231
00:09:57,374 --> 00:10:00,612
This is not just a doll. It's part Kestner.
232
00:10:01,211 --> 00:10:04,194
It's a treasure, family member,
233
00:10:04,414 --> 00:10:06,248
companion to a lonely boy
234
00:10:06,283 --> 00:10:08,368
who's afraid to get hit by the football.
235
00:10:09,085 --> 00:10:11,754
Well, what about 200
bucks just for the head?
236
00:10:11,788 --> 00:10:14,190
'Cause, I mean, this is real human hair.
237
00:10:14,356 --> 00:10:15,523
You know, you could use it
238
00:10:15,557 --> 00:10:17,558
to build a friend in your basement.
239
00:10:17,592 --> 00:10:18,759
Well...
240
00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:20,394
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
241
00:10:20,429 --> 00:10:22,066
Oh. Excuse me.
242
00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:25,466
Hi, Dan.
243
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:26,597
Where you at?
244
00:10:26,622 --> 00:10:28,690
At the end of my rope. Where are you?
245
00:10:31,073 --> 00:10:33,307
You better come home quick,
honey. We're flooding.
246
00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:34,575
Ah, crap.
247
00:10:34,609 --> 00:10:36,510
Okay, we're on our way.
248
00:10:36,545 --> 00:10:38,245
Hey, did you grab the kids' photos
249
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:39,993
and their birth certificates?
250
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:42,350
[SCOFFS] Of course I did!
251
00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:47,852
♪
252
00:10:51,492 --> 00:10:52,526
Whoa!
253
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,753
Looks like you got a leak somewhere.
254
00:10:54,778 --> 00:10:57,631
Leak? I think this basement
holds the water pretty good.
255
00:10:58,967 --> 00:11:00,267
Well, you know I'd help you out,
256
00:11:00,302 --> 00:11:02,203
but you probably found someone cheaper.
257
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:06,813
This is a bad time, Chuck.
258
00:11:07,442 --> 00:11:09,043
How about we talk later?
259
00:11:09,077 --> 00:11:11,746
I just ran into one of the
Gonzalez brothers at Home Depot,
260
00:11:11,780 --> 00:11:15,253
and he said you're using
his guys on the condo job?
261
00:11:15,784 --> 00:11:17,044
Is that true?
262
00:11:17,452 --> 00:11:18,686
I was gonna tell you.
263
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,315
When? After you finished the job?
264
00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:23,499
Of course not.
265
00:11:24,493 --> 00:11:26,662
Look, I just can't afford you guys.
266
00:11:27,462 --> 00:11:28,991
"Y-You guys"?
267
00:11:30,332 --> 00:11:32,954
Ohhh. T-That's what happened.
268
00:11:33,135 --> 00:11:35,302
And I thought the whole
time that we were friends.
269
00:11:35,337 --> 00:11:37,944
Turns out I was just one of the guys.
270
00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:39,998
I don't have a choice, man.
271
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:41,658
I got responsibilities.
272
00:11:41,810 --> 00:11:42,954
Yeah, right.
273
00:11:43,311 --> 00:11:44,545
And I'm still working construction
274
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,580
because I like the way I look in the hat.
275
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,382
[SIGHS]
276
00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:49,719
What do you want me to do?
277
00:11:50,986 --> 00:11:54,432
I got three extra mouths to
feed since Darlene moved back in.
278
00:11:55,023 --> 00:11:56,590
Roseanne started popping pills
279
00:11:56,625 --> 00:11:59,093
because we didn't have
the money to fix her knee.
280
00:11:59,127 --> 00:12:01,960
And now I got 20 grand of water damage.
281
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:03,497
[WATER SLOSHING]
282
00:12:03,532 --> 00:12:06,434
I've spent my whole life
hanging on by my fingertips,
283
00:12:06,468 --> 00:12:07,568
telling everybody not to worry,
284
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:10,841
that I was gonna make it
okay because that's my job.
285
00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:13,441
Well, now I can't promise that anymore.
286
00:12:13,475 --> 00:12:16,330
So, yeah... it makes me sick.
287
00:12:16,511 --> 00:12:18,679
But I'm gonna do whatever I have to do
288
00:12:18,713 --> 00:12:20,385
to take care of my family,
289
00:12:20,482 --> 00:12:23,156
because I'm old, I'm tired,
290
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:26,287
and I'm not sure
how much longer I can hold on.
291
00:12:28,490 --> 00:12:29,995
Well, I'm old, too.
292
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:31,895
And I'm tired.
293
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,498
And now I'm unemployed.
294
00:12:34,863 --> 00:12:37,550
I always told you...
If I'm eating, you're eating.
295
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,767
I'm not eating.
296
00:12:41,079 --> 00:12:43,296
Holy crap!
297
00:12:44,406 --> 00:12:45,532
Hey, Chuck.
298
00:12:46,007 --> 00:12:48,008
[WATER SLOSHES]
299
00:12:51,246 --> 00:12:52,418
Bye, Rosie.
300
00:12:57,719 --> 00:12:58,986
How bad is it?
301
00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:00,334
Well, that depends.
302
00:13:00,555 --> 00:13:02,356
You didn't pick up any flood insurance
303
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:03,791
while you were out, did you?
304
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,292
[SIGHS]
305
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:06,260
[SIGHS]
306
00:13:06,294 --> 00:13:08,645
All this water's gonna
affect the foundation.
307
00:13:09,413 --> 00:13:11,247
Is there anything I can do to help?
308
00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:12,501
Yeah.
309
00:13:13,368 --> 00:13:14,507
Take this.
310
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,471
It's not heavy enough
to hold me underwater.
311
00:13:19,574 --> 00:13:21,008
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
312
00:13:21,042 --> 00:13:22,910
Look, everything's gonna be fine.
313
00:13:22,944 --> 00:13:24,912
Go on back upstairs and
entertain the troops.
314
00:13:24,946 --> 00:13:26,333
Business as usual.
315
00:13:26,615 --> 00:13:27,887
Got it. [CLEARS THROAT]
316
00:13:29,127 --> 00:13:30,347
Well, Dan, lookit...
317
00:13:30,592 --> 00:13:33,600
After 40 years, we finally got a pool.
318
00:13:34,089 --> 00:13:35,356
[CHUCKLING] Yep.
319
00:13:48,803 --> 00:13:50,125
[GRUNTS]
320
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:52,873
[CREAKING]
321
00:13:54,743 --> 00:13:56,343
[SIGHS]
322
00:14:08,590 --> 00:14:11,125
[PANTING]
323
00:14:11,159 --> 00:14:12,282
[CLANK]
324
00:14:16,498 --> 00:14:18,566
♪
325
00:14:19,740 --> 00:14:20,833
♪
326
00:14:20,858 --> 00:14:23,182
You guys have like a million
boxes of Halloween stuff.
327
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:26,275
Yeah, we were a lot of
fun before you got here.
328
00:14:27,151 --> 00:14:30,353
I mean, Aunt Jackie, back me up.
This is a little crazy, right?
329
00:14:30,388 --> 00:14:33,385
[AS DRACULA] Perhaps it's a little extreme.
330
00:14:34,255 --> 00:14:35,458
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
331
00:14:35,493 --> 00:14:36,960
These costumes are so lame.
332
00:14:36,994 --> 00:14:39,429
I can't believe anybody
would ever be scared by them.
333
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:40,829
Hey, watch your mouth.
334
00:14:41,111 --> 00:14:43,846
We were famous for that
stuff in these parts.
335
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:45,748
- Ow!
- Are you okay?
336
00:14:45,782 --> 00:14:47,483
[GROANING]
337
00:14:47,517 --> 00:14:48,784
Oh, my God.
338
00:14:48,818 --> 00:14:50,611
[STRAINING] Ohh. I think it's my heart.
339
00:14:50,675 --> 00:14:51,709
Somebody call 911!
340
00:14:51,743 --> 00:14:53,677
- [GROANING LOUDLY]
- Oh, my God!
341
00:14:53,712 --> 00:14:54,812
[GROANING CONTINUES]
342
00:14:54,846 --> 00:14:55,746
[GASPS]
343
00:14:55,781 --> 00:14:57,494
[LAUGHTER]
344
00:14:57,519 --> 00:14:58,786
I hate you!
345
00:14:59,253 --> 00:15:01,371
Each and every single one of you!
346
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,535
Don't say that.
347
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,270
It only makes them stronger.
348
00:15:06,758 --> 00:15:09,393
Alright, what we need here
is a little prestidigitation.
349
00:15:09,428 --> 00:15:11,429
- [GASPS]
- Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
350
00:15:11,463 --> 00:15:15,399
prepare for the return of D.J. Magic D.J...
351
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:20,218
who will amaze you with his
feats of magic and mystery.
352
00:15:20,755 --> 00:15:23,565
Open the door. Maybe the
storm will suck us out.
353
00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:27,286
I want to be your assistant,
like in the old days.
354
00:15:27,286 --> 00:15:30,087
No. I need to pick somebody
at random from the audience.
355
00:15:30,122 --> 00:15:31,856
- You! You'll do fine.
- Me?!
356
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,458
Yes, come on up here... and hold
357
00:15:34,493 --> 00:15:37,328
"Blackstone's Ancient Book
of Sorcery for Kids." Uh-huh.
358
00:15:37,362 --> 00:15:39,964
Open it to "Ancient Mystical Trick #4."
359
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,622
Three ordinary cups.
360
00:15:43,802 --> 00:15:46,069
These balls are completely solid.
361
00:15:46,538 --> 00:15:48,472
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
362
00:15:48,507 --> 00:15:50,889
"conceal the foam ball in hand."
363
00:15:51,176 --> 00:15:52,677
I will place the...
364
00:15:52,711 --> 00:15:54,011
- Damn it!
- Aw.
365
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,062
Ta-da!
366
00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:57,615
ALL: Yay!
367
00:15:58,397 --> 00:16:00,551
Hey, the president's
holding a press conference.
368
00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:03,339
The governor's trying to get him
to declare a state of emergency.
369
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,776
Oh, wow. Look at this.
370
00:16:05,991 --> 00:16:08,392
Half the state is underwater.
371
00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:10,561
They took all these senior citizens
372
00:16:10,596 --> 00:16:12,330
from one of those old folks' homes
373
00:16:12,364 --> 00:16:14,739
and put them on the roof of the building.
374
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:16,766
That's great news.
375
00:16:17,402 --> 00:16:20,439
But it's also kind of sad, in a way.
376
00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:23,282
No, no, it's terribly sad.
377
00:16:23,675 --> 00:16:26,244
But if they declare a state of emergency,
378
00:16:26,278 --> 00:16:28,846
FEMA will give us some
money to repair the basement.
379
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,681
I can do it for half of what they give us
380
00:16:30,716 --> 00:16:32,984
and use the rest for Rose's knee.
381
00:16:33,018 --> 00:16:34,246
Hoo!
382
00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:35,826
[CHANTING] State of emergency!
383
00:16:35,854 --> 00:16:37,054
ALL: [CHANTING] State of emergency!
384
00:16:37,089 --> 00:16:38,589
This is awful!
385
00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:41,993
You have young children rooting
for other people's misery.
386
00:16:42,027 --> 00:16:43,561
He just declared it!
387
00:16:43,595 --> 00:16:44,895
State of emergency!
388
00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:46,964
[CHEERING]
389
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,668
Oh. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
390
00:16:50,702 --> 00:16:52,903
The president spelled
"Illinois" wrong in his tweet,
391
00:16:52,938 --> 00:16:54,425
but it still counts, right?
392
00:16:54,773 --> 00:16:56,407
- Yay! Yay!
- Yay!
393
00:16:56,441 --> 00:17:00,441
♪
394
00:17:02,481 --> 00:17:04,624
- Hey, that's really funny.
- Oh, God!
395
00:17:04,950 --> 00:17:07,184
Harris, you scared the crap out of me.
396
00:17:07,219 --> 00:17:08,586
What are you writing? Looks really good.
397
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:09,553
[SIGHS]
398
00:17:09,588 --> 00:17:12,623
It's, uh, about a brilliant, young novelist
399
00:17:12,658 --> 00:17:14,625
who works at a casino for research,
400
00:17:14,660 --> 00:17:16,327
pretending it's a real job.
401
00:17:17,296 --> 00:17:19,632
You know, I'm really glad
that you're writing again.
402
00:17:19,798 --> 00:17:21,256
It's inspiring.
403
00:17:21,382 --> 00:17:22,366
Oh.
404
00:17:22,401 --> 00:17:24,135
That means a lot to me, but, you know,
405
00:17:24,169 --> 00:17:25,970
let's manage expectations.
406
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,905
Who knows? Nothing may come of this.
407
00:17:27,939 --> 00:17:30,154
No, you got to believe in yourself, Mom!
408
00:17:30,309 --> 00:17:32,143
I mean, Stephen King was a janitor,
409
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:35,079
and J.K. Rowling was a single
mother living on welfare.
410
00:17:35,113 --> 00:17:36,835
They were losers, just like you.
411
00:17:36,860 --> 00:17:38,027
[CHUCKLES]
412
00:17:39,651 --> 00:17:40,718
That's sweet.
413
00:17:40,752 --> 00:17:41,967
Good night, Harris.
414
00:17:42,421 --> 00:17:43,554
If you're gonna be writing at night,
415
00:17:43,588 --> 00:17:45,723
everyone at my school has
Adderall, if you want some.
416
00:17:46,992 --> 00:17:48,442
Good night, Harris!
417
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:52,463
Oh, and in case you're wondering,
418
00:17:52,497 --> 00:17:54,575
I am not taking any Adderall.
419
00:17:55,267 --> 00:17:56,901
I know. I've seen your grades.
420
00:17:58,670 --> 00:18:01,472
♪
421
00:18:01,506 --> 00:18:03,774
A little more sparkling cider, my dear?
422
00:18:03,809 --> 00:18:05,637
Don't mind if I do.
423
00:18:06,111 --> 00:18:09,082
How come you've never taken me
to this restaurant before?
424
00:18:09,715 --> 00:18:11,845
Oh, well, it's very exclusive.
425
00:18:12,351 --> 00:18:14,785
It's received three Michelin tires.
426
00:18:14,820 --> 00:18:16,065
[LAUGHS]
427
00:18:16,555 --> 00:18:18,022
Here's to crap finally going our way.
428
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,123
Dink!
429
00:18:19,157 --> 00:18:20,148
Yeah.
430
00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:24,080
Darlene's got a job, Becky
still has a job,
431
00:18:24,463 --> 00:18:27,631
D.J.'s raising a great
kid, and mom's over the VD.
432
00:18:27,666 --> 00:18:28,972
Eh!
433
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:31,001
Ehhhhh!
434
00:18:32,471 --> 00:18:34,271
- Ehhh!
- Oh. Sorry. I know.
435
00:18:34,306 --> 00:18:35,950
Not while you're eating.
436
00:18:36,675 --> 00:18:40,311
And plus, that flood
did so much damage in Lanford,
437
00:18:40,345 --> 00:18:42,313
there's plenty of work for everybody...
438
00:18:42,347 --> 00:18:44,520
Legal and illegal.
439
00:18:44,683 --> 00:18:45,716
- [CLUNK]
- Phew.
440
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:47,284
[SIGHS]
441
00:18:47,319 --> 00:18:48,953
Did you work things out with Chuck?
442
00:18:48,987 --> 00:18:51,856
He told me he'd only work
with me as an equal partner
443
00:18:51,890 --> 00:18:54,558
- with three weeks' paid vacation.
- What did you say?
444
00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:56,727
I told him he was grindin'
me... No way in hell.
445
00:18:56,762 --> 00:18:57,962
So you're partners now?
446
00:18:57,996 --> 00:18:59,797
Soon as he gets back from vacation.
447
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,205
I'm kinda scared about the surgery, Dan.
448
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,087
Oh, come on. It's a good hospital.
449
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:13,210
Your doctor's won every lawsuit.
450
00:19:15,714 --> 00:19:18,000
I know, but I just don't want to die.
451
00:19:18,583 --> 00:19:20,900
I don't want to go anywhere without you.
452
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:24,722
Who's gonna fix the Pearly
Gates if I back into 'em?
453
00:19:25,690 --> 00:19:28,427
You don't need me. You'll
be running the joint.
454
00:19:28,727 --> 00:19:31,695
God'll be hiding in the
garage, fixing motorcycles.
455
00:19:34,032 --> 00:19:35,669
I'm serious, Dan.
456
00:19:36,435 --> 00:19:40,007
You've been taking care
of me almost my whole life.
457
00:19:40,491 --> 00:19:42,072
I don't want to go anywhere without you.
458
00:19:42,107 --> 00:19:43,943
Oh, come on.
459
00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:47,108
The odds are, I'll go first anyway.
460
00:19:47,779 --> 00:19:49,547
And if I do, I want you to promise me
461
00:19:49,581 --> 00:19:51,465
that you'll do whatever you can
462
00:19:51,932 --> 00:19:54,071
to fulfill the rest of your life.
463
00:19:54,886 --> 00:19:57,354
Even if it means finding
love and companionship
464
00:19:57,389 --> 00:19:58,556
with another man.
465
00:19:58,590 --> 00:19:59,731
Will you do that?
466
00:20:00,805 --> 00:20:03,627
You just want me to say
yes so you have permission
467
00:20:03,662 --> 00:20:06,030
to go find somebody else
when I'm in the ground.
468
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:08,766
Hell no!
469
00:20:10,769 --> 00:20:13,671
I want you to die alone and miserable.
470
00:20:15,307 --> 00:20:17,308
Whatever Mother wants.
471
00:20:17,342 --> 00:20:19,710
♪
472
00:20:21,201 --> 00:20:25,156
You know, Lord, they're
gonna put me under tomorrow
473
00:20:26,146 --> 00:20:28,300
for surgery, and, uh...
474
00:20:29,156 --> 00:20:31,208
I hope I see my husband's face
475
00:20:31,233 --> 00:20:33,353
when I wake up and not yours.
476
00:20:33,927 --> 00:20:34,927
No offense.
477
00:20:36,463 --> 00:20:38,635
DARLENE: Hey, Mom, come
in here for a second!
478
00:20:39,380 --> 00:20:42,592
Oh, yeah, and could you find her a man?
479
00:20:43,184 --> 00:20:45,452
I wouldn't ask, but she's not easy.
480
00:20:49,432 --> 00:20:50,560
[CHUCKLES]
481
00:20:50,658 --> 00:20:53,597
ALL: Surprise!
482
00:20:53,696 --> 00:20:55,830
Hey! What is this?
483
00:20:55,865 --> 00:20:58,233
All your favorites... Ham and cakes.
484
00:20:58,267 --> 00:20:59,501
Tuna casserole.
485
00:20:59,535 --> 00:21:00,935
I'm having surgery tomorrow.
486
00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:03,469
I can't eat nothin' past 8:00 p.m.
487
00:21:03,973 --> 00:21:05,874
And right now, it is 7:52.
488
00:21:05,908 --> 00:21:07,315
Whoo!
489
00:21:07,576 --> 00:21:08,843
You guys are the best.
490
00:21:08,878 --> 00:21:11,346
What did I do to deserve this?
491
00:21:11,380 --> 00:21:12,680
7:53.
492
00:21:12,715 --> 00:21:14,966
Okay, move, everybody!
493
00:21:15,785 --> 00:21:17,285
Hey, hit me up with that ham.
494
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:19,841
No, wait, that's gonna
take too much time to chew.
495
00:21:19,841 --> 00:21:21,008
Gimme the casserole.
496
00:21:22,510 --> 00:21:23,575
Come on!
497
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:24,711
[LAUGHTER]
498
00:21:24,746 --> 00:21:26,843
♪
499
00:21:26,867 --> 00:21:29,392
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
499
00:21:30,305 --> 00:21:36,438
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