Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

That's enough dufus! It's my turn!

Hey, you guys better save some for Walter

or he's going to be pissed!

Look it's not even half gone yet.

Here give it here...

Hey what are you...

You idiots are going to spill it! Stop it!

Give it here! It's my turn!

Holy shit!

...Is that them?!

Gentlemen... I give you...

Boobs!

Hey! Easy! Don't bend them!

Look at the boobs on this one!

Ha ho!

Your brother is going to kill you if he finds out.

Don't worry. He's out with his friends.

I'll get them back home before he gets back.

Vaginas are just weird looking.

What?

They are just weird looking... that's all I'm saying.

Fairy.

Fairy.

Hey! I ain't no fairy.

Fairy! Fairy! Fairy!...

Shut up!

Fairy! Fairy! Fa...

Stop it!

Hey! Watch the magazines!

Help! I'm being attacked by a fairy!

Guys, stop it!

Holy cow.

Looks like a rock.

Think it's Russian?

It's a meteor dumbass!

Like from space?

No...

It fell out of your Mom's ass.

Shut up would ya?

Dibs!

Yes.

Hey man... Let me see it! Let me hold it.

Let me hold it, come on!

No! I called dibs.

He did... He called dibs.

Alright boys. Let's stop fighting over that space turd

and get this picture...

I need you to move in a little closer together.

Squeeze in nice and tight, nice and tight there.

Now let me see that meteor. Say cheese!

CHEEEEEEESE!!!!

What's that? You talking to me?

Oh that? Thats just a...

...thats just MY sweet ass meteorite.

Oh yeah... Chicks are going to dig you.

So what you want to do is mix your dough thoroughly

otherwise your cookies just wont be moist.

Cause no one likes an un-moist cookie.

After you are done mixing and you have added your nuts...

Stay there Roxy.

Ah! Ah! Ahh! Ahh! Ah! Ah....Ah...

Hey Dad... I got your favorite cookies.

Dad?

Are you here?

[PHONE RINGS

Dad?

You here?

I have no clue where your darn keys are!

No, I can't come help you find them!

I'm all the way over on freakin' Kettle road!

Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

She would lose her freakin' head if it wasn't attached.

Alright... let's see what we got here!

What the hell?

That's great that you found your keys but I'm gonna need ya to

shut the fuck up for a minute...

I need you to get your ass in the car and I need you to come

pick me up on Kettle road.

Just three clicks south of Cooper's Mill...

Maxine!

Shut up and do it would ya?

And bring some damn clothes while you're at it...

Because I'm standing in the middle of the road in my damn

skivvies! Maxine, that's why!

Just shut your damn pie hole and start drivin'.

Geeez Louise! That lady is gonna be the death of me!

What the fuck man? Watch where you're going!

Idiot!

Sarah! Hey who's that guy?

SECURITY GUARD Excuse me sir.

Sir. Yo!

I need you to put that meat down!

Ma'am no, I am going to need you to back off ok?

AHH! AHHH!

Get down!

Is everybody OK? I'll be right back.

Is everybody OK? I'll be right back.

Son of a...

K, This is case 7638.

Well you've had better days there ay buddy.

K, We've got a male, approximately 45 to 50

years of age.

Struck by a vehicle.

A bus to be more precise and pronounced dead at the scene

by paramedics.

K, there is significant blunt force trauma to the head,

the right upper thoracic, the right mid torso...

and this is consistent with this type of vehicular accident.

K...

It appears the large and small intestines are visible from...

the outside of the body.

And this is due to the large

laceration to the lower abdomen area.

K, moving on to the posterior examination...

Jesus!!!

It appears to be some sort of... parasite.

It's nothing I've ever seen or any clue what it may be...

I'm gonna try removing it from the subjects neck.

Ugh! Aagh!

CORONER

Get off of her!

Hey!

Don't you move!

Put your hands in the air

and lace your fingers behind your head

Do it!

What was I just saying about the universe providing?

You are right man what can I say?

Tell her how much you like blondes... love them.

Who are you supposed to be sweetheart?

I don't know what look you're going for there but ah...

I like it!

Ahh!

Clear! Coming out!

Yeah, yeah, yeah... No, shit.

Ahhh!

WHAT... THE... FRACK.

Oh my God. This is isn't happening.

This isn't happening. Okay... Okay.

Calm down... breathe.

What the hell's going on in there?!

Oh shit!

I saw you come home and I know you're in there.

Now open the Goddamn door!

Just go away and call the police Mr.Bartell...

And animal control while you're at it!

Can you hear me?!

Open the damn door!

Between all the noise and your rent once again being late

you're really starting to try my patience.

Not to mention piss me off!

Ugh!

...the damn door!

Call the police!

Dumbass. I can't open the door!

That's it! I'm coming in!

No, no, no you idiot!

Hello?

Where are ya kid?

Get your ass out here and talk to me?!

Just get the hell out of the apartment Mr Bartell

and call the police!

What are you talking about kid? Where are you?

I am in the bathroom! Just call the police!

The police?

Why do I need to call the police?

What's all the commotion in here?

You need to get the hell out of the apartment Mr Bartell!

What a sight!

There is some sort of ugly ass creature in there with you.

And I think I really pissed it off!!!

There's a what?!

Like I said...

there is some sort of creature thingy in there with you.

A... a what?

What's in here with me? Are you on drugs or something?

Really?

I can't afford rent! How am I supposed to afford drugs?

Speaking of rent...

...where's my money?

LANDLORD AHH! AHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHH!

911... What's your emergency?

Umm...

Hello? Please state your emergency.

Are you there?

I'm sorry... Ha. Never mind... forget about it.

No, no.

They will lock you in the loony bin and throw away the key

No more... No more buying shit online.

Oh! Jesus! You scared me.

Oh, Is this your room?

I... I can leave if it is. I am sorry.

Anyway do you know what the heck is going on downstairs?

I tried to come in through the front there was a whole

bunch of commotion and shit so I had to go through the back

Hello? Anyone in there?

What? It was on fucking sale.

Welcome to Mucho Burrito, how can I help you?

Hey hey hey, Hey girl!

Ayy... I ahh I am

- Very hungry here, I'm hungry right? - Eh?

I'll have a dos el Classic. Ah mucho carne, con pollo right?

Um... add some guac... that would be good. And I, I, I...

Oh wait a sec, wait a sec... we could get a tango trio here,

give me one of those and um, scratch the first one, have a

taco trio add the shrimp add the guac and um...

and the triple, eh... Ay... y--you know what wait. wait a second.

My... I cut out... My PH level, my doctor says...

So yeah. Back to the Classico ok? Yeah and maybe a large

drink, a jurrito. Ah dos. That would be... good.

Is that everything today?

Si.

- Are you sure? - Y... Yeah.

Yeah I'm sure, how much more sure can I be?

Your order is $16.78...

What? Whaaa!

MOOCHO FUCKO!

Hey dude! Asshole!

Oh ah... just like that, ah.

- Oh, you like that? - Mhm.

Ah, keep going. Don't stop. Come on.

- What the fuck? - What?

Don't go anywhere, I'll get rid of this freak.

The fuck's your problem man?

Get the hell out of here you fucking meth head!

Please, oh, no... Please!

No, please, no.

I say unto all the evil...

Those sinners man they're going to hell!

They're going to hell.

Go to hell one day. We live...

...the gospel truth, the gospel truth!

RADIO Where nothing makes sense, Satan and his claws into us.

You would look up and say oh lord Jesus please save me,

I am begging you!

...there is only one way out my brothers I am telling you to

avoid the hell fire and that is to say yes to Jesus.

Please, help. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Please help me!

Please help me...

No! I beg you! No! No! I beg you!

Ok! Come on. Let's go. Get her!

HELP!

We need your help! We don't have any money and we have to get her

to the hospital! Can you help us please?

I can take you to the next stop. Get on.

Thank you.

It's a two minute walk to Mercy Hospital.

Thank you so much.

Are you OK?

Subtitles by explosiveskull