Original subtitles

- [Military Personnel] All right General,

we've arrived over on bullseye 008420.

Activate. - Got a radar hit.

(talking on scanner)

(dramatic music)

(alarms blaring)

- What the fuck?

Oh, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?

Hey guys!

Fuck, fuck.

(talking on scanner)

Did we scramble jets?

Fuck we lost it.

(dramatic music)

- [Joe] Boba Fett is properly rated dude.

I mean, you'll see little kids in Boba Fett costumes

on Halloween, you don't see anybody

in a Nein Nub costume, do you?

- All right, I'll give you the fact that people

seem to be onboard with liking Boba Fett,

but you know who is the most under, even more than Nein Nub?

You know who's the most underrated character?

Porkins.

- Jek OT?

- Yes, he is such an amazing little gem

inside New Hope. - Ah!

- Yeah.

- Fun fact he's also in Raiders.

He's one of the guys that shows up on campus

to talk to Dr. Jones.

- Really?

- But, I digress, we're running outta time.

Anyway, this has been

Corellians In Freighters Drinking Coffee.

I'm Joe.

- And I'm Murph.

- We'll see you Monday.

(upbeat music)

- You're good.

- Porkins was in Raiders?

- Yeah, he's one of the two guys that meets up with him

after the class, you know?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, that's right, in the library.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you Monday?

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- Here's the outline for Monday's show.

- I'll look this over tonight, I promise.

- She still won't let you have a bachelor party?

- No, it's just, you know,

she thinks I'll get myself into trouble.

- And you're not worried about what we're doing tonight?

- No, I mean, you guys just tossing ones

at a bunch of oiled up dudes in G-strings

gyrating to the Village People?

I do want details Monday, though.

- Oh I'm sworn to secrecy.

- [Joe] Yeah, do me a favor and get her drunk.

- Oh hells yeah.

- Nice, pictures too, lots of pictures.

- What?

- I'm gonna tell him.

- We agreed we wouldn't.

(sighing)

(thunder cracking)

(light saber humming)

(breathing in mask)

- Susan, I am your lover.

Prepare to be boarded.

(scoffing)

- Turn that off.

- Come on, you got time for a quicky?

Three part sex.

- Can you wait until I get home tonight?

(light saber humming)

- I'll be up.

- Out.

(dramatic music)

(thunder clapping)

(screaming on laptop)

Zip me up.

- Hold on one sec.

(sighing)

- Come on, zip me up.

- Okay.

- Ow, go slow.

- Sorry.

There, there we go.

(thunder clapping)

- What the fuck?

- Cool.

- Joe, I thought we talked about this,

your toys should stay in the bedroom.

- Honey, that is not a toy, that is a collector's item.

- You know, I think that maybe we should have a garage sale.

Get rid of some of the stuff we won't have space for.

- Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that,

this place is looking a little HGTV for my taste.

- It's called style, and I thought

this was going to be our home together.

- It is.

It is gonna be our house, yeah.

(horn honking)

- They're here, they're here.

- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Before you go I know you said no parties, right?

But your brother called and he wants to bring over

a few beers, you know, have some fun.

- No, no, my brother's bachelor party

was hookers and lollipop tricks.

That's why he's not married anymore.

Hey, come on, he's just going to get you into trouble.

Let me have this one night, please?

- Okay, have fun.

- Thank you, thank you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

Don't wait up.

- I'll be up, like I said.

Gonna board you.

(grunting)

Wow.

(dramatic music)

I come in peace, I come in peace.

♪ Da da da da duh ♪

No?

Candy.

What the fuck?

Dammit.

- [Susan] What's wrong?

- Hey, the Reese's Pieces I had, what happened to those?

- [Susan] I threw them out.

- [Joe] What about the M&Ms?

- [Susan] Those too, we talked about cutting down on sweets.

- Ugh, okay, I love you, bye.

Shit.

(dramatic music)

(groaning)

Hey little guy, you're not gonna eat my face, right?

(cell phone ringing)

What's up?

- [Matt] Dude, I'm on my way over.

(dramatic music)

- Wait, you're sister said no one can come over.

(scoffing)

- [Matt] Did you grow a vagina?

- Yeah, a big vagina, I gotta go.

- [Matt] Dude, I'm pulling up right now.

(dramatic music)

(singing)

(grumbling)

- Hi,

hi, welcome to Earth.

Can you be quiet?

(doorbell ringing)

(grumbling)

No, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

(groaning)

You stay here okay?

Just be quiet, I'll be right back.

- Bro, let's get this party started.

- I can't, I made a deal with your sister.

- She'll get over it.

Paul's gonna meet us over at Beer, Ball, and Boobs.

- Look, she said no strip clubs.

- It's a pool hall.

- Yeah, with strippers.

- And beer.

Bro, it's your last week of freedom.

- Bro, she's your sister.

- You'll let some pretty little thing

rub up against your dick one last time

before you lock it away forever, man.

- Okay, all right, how about this, you go,

I'll meet you there?

- You're coming with me.

(grumbling)

(dramatic music)

- It looks like Shrek blew a load on your face.

- No, that's hair gel, yeah.

- Bro, if you're not there in an hour

I'm gonna bring all the strippers here.

- No, no strippers, okay?

I will meet you there, I promise.

- I'm not kidding.

- I'm not either, okay?

I'll see you there, all right, bye.

(sighing)

(scoffing)

- Whipped.

(dramatic music)

- Do you speak?

(squeaking)

Okay, I don't know what that means.

This is crazy.

Okay, I'm just going by the seat of my pants here but,

do you understand what I'm saying?

I guess not.

Okay, that's,

(squeaking)

it's okay, that's Blair O'Conner, yeah.

Great actress, that's from her movie The Last Planet.

You look just.

Hey, what are you?

Oh God.

Did you just scan me?

Can you tell I'm a friend?

We gotta get you cleaned up.

(upbeat disco music)

(groaning)

Cool.

Oh,

yeah.

(chuckling)

You can't go walking around like that.

It's okay, it's okay, let's put that over your head.

Okay, yeah, okay, tying off.

You go, okay.

Arms up, arms up.

Stop moving or else I can't tie it for you.

There we go, okay.

All right, this is good, now we just need a plan.

- Plan.

- Wow, you talk, okay, that's good.

If you talk that means we can communicate,

and if we can figure out where you're from,

or how you got here, or, what?

Where are you going?

(dramatic music)

(thunder clapping)

You see up there?

That's your home.

All this stuff, this is my home.

So, that's your home.

Home.

- Home.

- Right.

- Home.

- Good, good.

All right, so,

do you have a name?

What is your name?

Okay,

I'm Joe.

Like Joe Biden, Barrack Obama.

Joe.

(garbling speech)

I'm just gonna call you Blair for now.

Okay?

So,

Joe,

Blair.

- Joe Blair.

- Close, I'm Joe.

Blair.

(garbling speech)

You're kinda stuck on that I see, so we'll just make that

your middle name for now.

I need you to be Blair, okay?

So I'm Joe,

Blair.

- Blair.

- Just for now.

- [Waitress] You guys good?

- [Matt] I'll have another.

- Kinda slow for a Saturday.

- Yeah, we've been slow since Thursday,

we almost got shut down.

- 'Cause of the blow jobs in the private rooms?

- [Waitress] No.

- The girls going home with customers?

- Nope.

- Selling coke in the bathroom?

- No, we're not licensed to sell food

but the owner's wife, she started to sell

her homemade vegan brownies.

- I had that last week, I didn't know it was vegan.

- Didn't try 'em.

- Hey guys.

- Hi.

- Do you wanna buy a dance?

- You know I don't have any money.

- What about you Matt?

- I'm hoping my soon to be brother-in-law will show up,

I'll buy an hour of your dances for him.

♪ Is it ready ♪

♪ Is it ready ♪

- He might come, but, he'll leave his dick at home.

- What's wrong with him?

- Besides marrying my sister, nothing.

- What does he do?

- He makes videos about Star Wars on YouTube.

- How old is he?

- 36.

- And that's his job?

- He makes a shit ton of money.

15 million subs.

- But you wouldn't know it, cool guy.

- Yeah, normal house, shitty car.

Bitch of a girlfriend.

- Dude.

- Your words man.

- How 'bout a drink?

- Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no, put that back.

That's sharp, watch your hand, okay.

All right, focus here, just for a second.

So, on Earth

we wear cloths, okay?

Uniforms, costumes to cover up our naughty bits.

You know, like naughty bits.

Yeah.

- Naughty bits.

- Right, good, okay, so, clothes.

'K.

- Clothes.

- No, no, those are naughty bits.

Clothes, clothes cover the naughty bits,

over the naughty bits.

Okay?

Clothes.

- Clothes.

- Good, all right, now,

let's put some on you, okay?

Yeah, okay, you can look at those all you want later,

come on, let's get some clothes.

Clothes.

- Clothes.

(knocking on door)

- Dammit.

- [Murph] Hey Joe, I brought some stuff over.

- Oh, it's Murph, you don't know him.

Go ahead.

Put some, yeah, clothes, naughty bits, clothes.

Cover yourself up, I'll be back.

(dramatic music)

(breathing hard)

I thought you were finishing up the show?

- Look what I brought.

Captain Crunch.

- Oh, great, hey, that's awesome, but Susan could pop by

at any moment.

- Remember when we used to binge on this shit?

- The midnight special.

Breaking out the big guns.

- And I know that Susan wants you to cut down on sweets.

But I brought you over some Gushers and Ding Dongs.

- I don't think I've told you enough

how excited I am to have you as my best man.

- Even if Susan isn't?

- Come on, she's jealous.

- Of me?

- Yeah, of you, of what you and I have, how close we are.

You know?

But, I lover her though, and I just wanna make her happy.

(sighing)

- Joe, there's something I have to tell you.

- What?

(sighing)

Hey Murph, this isn't what it looks like.

- The fuck it's not.

You're Blair O'Conner, and I'm Murphy, Joe's best friend.

- Clothes.

- Yes, and you look great in them.

- Easy Murph.

- How do you know Joe?

- Bro, you have to trust me,

this is beyond what I can explain.

- Yeah, no shit, you're the man.

- Joe Biden, Barrack Obama.

- And she's a democrat, score.

- I will call you later.

- Okay, but can I get a photo?

- [Joe] Next time.

- No, but, how long is she gonna be here?

- I don't know, I mean,

clearly she's going through some shit.

- Naughty bits.

- Dude, I am so proud of you right now.

- [Joe] Don't tell anyone.

- But who would believe me?

- Right!

Yeah.

That's Captain Crunch.

It's food, you eat it.

Yeah, let me show you.

It's food, right?

Mm,

food.

Now you try it, come on.

Here you go.

Yeah, good.

(crunching)

Yeah, good, right?

Oh, okay.

All right, so, you don't like it, it's okay.

Here wash it down with this.

Just wash it down, you know, like.

No, no, nope, no.

Like this, like this.

Okay, you sip it.

Mm, Red Bull, mm, try it.

You drink it, yeah.

Yeah, good.

Oh.

Likey likey.

(guzzling)

- Captain Bull.

- No, no,

Red Bull, Red Bull.

- Red Bull.

- Yeah, yeah, Red Bull.

- Red Bull,

Red Bull. - Okay, you want another one?

All right, cool.

All right, let me, there.

Yeah, it gives you wings.

(guzzling)

Okay.

All right, all right, all right.

(chuckling)

- [Blair] Red Bull!

- Yeah, I guess it doesn't effect you

the same way it does humans.

It'll eventually wear off, I promise.

Hey, do you have music?

You know, like

♪ Music ♪

♪ Music ♪

- Yeah, hold on.

Just feel it, you know?

Your shoulders, your hands, go ahead, move your body.

(singing in foreign language)

(fast paced rock music)

Back up a little, you know?

This is a good one.

This one yeah, like this.

Cross your eyes, like oh, who am I?

I'm a mysterious alien.

Ooh.

And then it comes back up.

Feel a little more energy like this.

(soft music)

(dramatic music)

(talking on scanner)

(dramatic music)

The dancing queen lives.

How are you feeling?

- Home.

- Home.

Yeah.

(soft music)

(whirring)

(shorting out)

What is that supposed to do?

- Home.

- Home.

- Okay, so you need that to get home.

But it's not working so, it's broken.

Break, broken.

- Broken.

- Yeah, broken.

- Broken.

- So, hold on one second.

Okay, so,

broken,

fix,

fix.

- Fix.

- Yeah, broken, fix,

home.

Fix. - Fix.

- Yeah, fix.

- Fix!

- Fix, yeah.

Except I don't know how to fix it,

but, I think I know someone who can.

(fast paced rock music)

Oh, that's okay, that's a glove box,

people used to put their gloves in there,

now it's just for crap.

- Crap.

- Crap.

Glasses, yeah, your eyes, like this.

Yeah, open 'em up.

Other way.

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah.

It's dark though, you don't really need them.

(both chuckling)

Yeah, glasses, yeah.

It's dark though right?

- Music.

- Yeah, sure music.

(upbeat music)

There, music.

- Red Bull.

- I don't know, I think you should lay off that stuff,

you've had enough.

- Red Bull.

- All right, okay.

♪ Ready for a good time ♪ ♪ And I can't let go ♪

♪ The whole band's here and we came to move ♪

♪ Got a fresh haircut and two new shoes ♪

♪ We're here all night like we ain't got nothing to lose ♪

- [Joe] Red Bull. ♪ 'Cause we're turning up the heat ♪

♪ Watch out now ♪

- Red Bull!

- [Joe] Yeah, yeah, Red Bull.

♪ Baby, watch out now ♪

- [Dr. Lee] Hello?

- Doc, it's me Joe.

- [Dr. Lee] What do you want?

- I have a problem, I need some help.

- [Dr. Lee] With what?

- With this.

- This is very interesting.

- I know, right?

- But, why does she look like Blair O'Conner?

- Well, I had movie poster from

The Last Planet up on my wall.

I don't know, I brought in a four foot slimy green alien,

came back two minutes later to this.

- Oh.

Can you leave this with me for a few hours?

- Sure, I need it back by 9:00 a.m.

- Oh, what's the rush?

- Try explaining that to Susan.

- Huh.

That would take expert level bullshit.

- Maybe more.

- It's going to be 11:00 before we get to the club.

You're being weird.

- My brother thinks that bachelor parties

are a one night free pass.

- Yeah, but that's not Joe.

- If you can't trust him why even get married?

I'm just saying.

- I wanna drink, so can you just hurry up and go look?

(dramatic music)

- Joe?

What the fuck?

- Nice.

- Okay.

Someone took a shower with green shampoo.

We don't have green shampoo, unscented.

And there's no way that he drank all that Red Bull.

And what did he need a pillow and blanket for?

- Maybe he's having sex with a hooker

who loves Captain Crunch and Red Bull.

- Helpful Stacy.

(cell phone ringing)

♪ Well I've been sitting here ♪

♪ Thinking about this Monday morning ♪

- I'm not there Susan.

- [Susan] Is he with you?

- [Matt] Are you tracking my phone again?

- Is he with you?

- No.

- Hey Susan.

Oh, what's up Karen?

- I thought you had your bachelorette party tonight?

- I do and I asked you to stay away from him tonight.

- [Matt] I think you're overreacting.

- [Susan] I want you to find him and have him call me.

- I'm confused, do you want me to be with him

or do you not want me to be with him?

- [Susan] I want you to find him, but no strippers.

- I prefer entertainers.

- I want you to find him and have him call me.

- I will see what I can do.

Can I get another drink?

- Sure.

- [Sophie] Me too.

♪ Keep me far away ♪

♪ There's no way back ♪

♪ There's no way back ♪

- I don't know if you know what's going on.

♪ There's no way back ♪

- Fix.

- Yeah, fix, yeah.

- Friend.

- Friend, yeah.

You and me are friends, right?

- Joe Biden, Barrack Obama.

Friends.

- Yeah, you and I are definitely friends,

but you don't have to call me that, just Joe.

- Just Joe

Biden.

- That's not better, but that's progress.

Whoa.

- Red Bull.

- Yeah, Red Bull.

♪ Everybody got that coming in they dreams ♪

♪ Anybody with a 50 get to do jostle ♪

- Blair!

Blair O'Conner!

- You're magnificent, I love The Last Planet.

♪ Come here, yeah ♪

♪ After all of the years we've been making music ♪

- Music.

- Right on.

- Right on.

- You're so sexy.

- Sexy friends.

- Hey, you're the Star Wars guy.

Star Wars guy!

(cell phone ringing)

- Oh boy.

- Where have you been?

- What?

- I saw the green shampoo, Red Bull, and blanket

on the living room floor, what is going on Joe?

- Wait, hold on, you were here?

- [Susan] Yes, I forgot my lipstick.

- Okay, so Murph brought some food over

and I was watching my show on the floor

and then I took a shower, big deal.

- What about the shampoo, green shampoo, unscented?

Does that sound like me?

- It sounds bonkers, okay?

I got the shampoo at Costco yesterday.

Are you still with the girls?

- [All] Hi Joe.

- Will you please get her drunk?

- [All] We're trying.

- [Susan] Why are you in your car?

- I wanted some M&Ms

and I know I'm not supposed to have them,

but I wanted some so I got the small bag.

- [Susan] Okay, you're right, I'm overreacting,

I'm sorry Joe.

- Yeah, it's your night okay, go have some fun.

- [Susan] I love you.

- I love you too.

- Sexy friends.

- Joe?

Gotta go. - Joe.

- Nope.

She didn't hear that right?

- Red Bull.

(sighing)

- Great.

(fast paced rock music)

(cell phone ringing)

- What?

- [Susan] I think he has a girl over at his house.

- Come on Susan, I offered to get him a stripper

and he turned me down.

- [Susan] What?

- Entertainer.

- I wasn't serious.

- [Susan] Can you go there and check?

- You go.

- [Susan] We're almost at the club.

- Fine.

- Just stay here.

- This isn't gonna end well.

You want another drink?

- Okay.

- [Matt] Two more.

- Sure.

♪ Go following him ♪

- Oh shit.

Blair!

♪ Walk in the bodega ♪

♪ Had a six slider, had it in my bag ♪

♪ She showed me where she eat guados at ♪

♪ But she pop up we're getting in the rhythm ♪

♪ And I know with a girl gonna end with a mack ♪

♪ Click clack ♪

(upbeat hip-hop music)

♪ The zebra the zebra ♪

♪ We're dancing like a zebra ♪

♪ The zebra the zebra ♪

♪ We're dancing like a zebra ♪

♪ Shaking our legs and in like the zebra ♪

♪ The zebra ♪

- Hey, Blair, come on, we gotta go.

- [Blair] Music.

(chuckling)

- Yeah.

She loves to dance.

Blair come on.

- Oh!

Bruh, chill.

She'll leave when she's ready.

- [Joe] You don't understand.

- Nah bruh, you don't understand.

- You're right, she'll leave when she's ready.

♪ A zebra ♪

♪ I'm dancing like a zebra ♪

♪ A zebra a zebra ♪

♪ I'm dancing like a zebra ♪

♪ Strutting how I working the shit ♪

♪ A zebra a zebra ♪

♪ I'm dancing like a zebra ♪

(sighing)

- Duh.

Blair!

Hey Blair!

Red Bull.

Leave when you're ready.

- [Blair] Red Bull!

- Yeah, lots of Red Bull.

♪ I'll be taking all my T-shirt off ♪

- Come on, that's it.

That's it, that's it.

Your favorite, come on.

Yeah, yeah.

There you go, there you go.

(chuckling)

Don't run off on me like that, okay?

We're a team.

(guzzling)

Wow.

That is.

(burping)

(both laughing)

That's a burp, a burp.

Burp. - Burp.

- Yeah, burp, yeah.

- Burp.

- Burp.

- [Joe] Burp.

- Burp.

- Burp.

- [Joe] Burp, yeah, yeah.

- Home.

Fix.

- Yeah, he'll call us when it's fixed, let's go see Murph.

- Will you relax?

Let's just have a good time tonight.

- Something is not right.

- I know cheaters, and Joe is not one of them.

- Are you sure you want to get married?

- Stacy's right, why are you so concerned?

(scoffing)

- I don't know.

Hey, let's get drunk.

(all cheering)

- Yes!

- Yes, finally.

- She looks just like her.

- What am I gonna do if I can't get her home?

- Well, you could keep her.

- She's not a stray cat Murph,

I'm getting married next weekend.

Susan already knows something's up and she sees me with

Blair O'Conner, I mean, with this, it's over.

- Well, you can't turn her in.

- Stop talking about her like she's a thing, or property.

What are you doing?

- I'm just gonna.

- No, no, do not,

do not post that.

Stop.

- Come on.

If our audience sees this, you with Blair O'Conner,

we will have the number one show on YouTube.

- No one can see that, okay?

Nobody.

- Please?

- No!

- Fine.

(upbeat rock music)

- Should we just close?

- I wish, but I would get in trouble.

- Yeah.

Matt.

- What the fuck?

- That's Blair O'Conner.

- Yeah, that's my soon to be brother-in-law.

- What?

- Blair O'Conner, the girl from The Last Planet?

- Yeah.

- Hmm, cool.

- Does he know her?

- It must be an old photo.

- Yep, five minutes old.

- We need to find him.

- Don't hurt him, man.

- What?

No, I want a photo.

- I want a photo too, can I come?

- Absolutely.

- You want a photo too?

- No.

- Wait, let me make sure I have my ID.

(upbeat hip-hop music)

- I'm sorry, to everyone, I'm sorry, I was acting crazy.

You're my best friends

and I couldn't ask for a better group.

- We love you.

- To great sex.

- Thank you.

- Janis, we're kinda having a moment here.

- What, what is it?

She's wearing my fucking clothes!

Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

(both laughing)

(laughing)

- What are you looking at?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no.

That's not, whoa, okay.

Yeah, this is, it's dating, it's love.

But it's complicated.

(laughing)

- Can we go?

- Yeah, we can.

(laughing)

- Yeah, that's called laughing.

It means you're happy.

- Happy.

(chuckling)

- Yeah, yeah, happy.

- Joe Bidden, happy.

- Yeah, Joe is happy.

Oh, yeah, that's called kissing what you're.

- Kissing.

- Yeah, kissing, but no,

I'm involved with someone so I can't do that with you.

- Kissing.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, you're gonna get me in trouble.

(moaning)

(lips smacking)

(upbeat music)

(tapping on window)

- Happy kissing.

(Joe laughing)

- [Joe] Hawaiian margaritas, right?

Yeah, sorry.

Get in the car.

Wave bye, sorry.

- Joe?

Joe!

Joe?

Joe?

Joe!

Joe!

He's not here.

- If this is what we're gonna do tonight I'm gonna go home.

- Like hell you are, you're my bridesmaids,

and tonight's my bachelorette party so together

we're gonna find my future husband and.

- Hey Karen.

- What are you doing here?

- It's my house, what are you doing here?

- We saw Joe with that hot actress girl from

The Last Planet and we wanted to get a selfie.

- Really?

- A photo would be nice.

- Come on ladies.

♪ Whipping, whipping, whipping, whipping ♪

♪ Whip like Bobby Flay hey ♪

♪ Whipping, whipping, whipping, whipping ♪

♪ Whip like Bobby Flay hey ♪

♪ In the kitchen whipping on my Bobby Flay ♪

♪ I be in the kitchen whipping on my Bobby Flay ♪

♪ Whipping, whipping, whipping, whipping ♪

♪ Whip like Bobby Flay hey ♪

♪ Whipping, whipping ♪

- Hey, Blair!

♪ Whip like Bobby Flay hey ♪

♪ In the kitchen whipping on my Bobby Flay ♪

♪ I be in the kitchen whipping on my Bobby Flay ♪

- [Susan] Did you see that?

- I got it on video.

- Let's go.

- Where are we going?

- Gotta see what happens, yeah?

- Oh yes.

- All right.

Sophie we're parked over here, come on.

♪ Whipping, whipping, whipping, whipping ♪

♪ Whip like Bobby Flay hey ♪

♪ Whipping, whipping, whipping, whipping ♪

♪ Whip like Bobby Flay hey ♪

♪ In the kitchen whipping on my Bobby Flay ♪

♪ I be in the kitchen whipping on my Bobby Flay ♪

- Okay, okay.

- Hello?

- Doc, any news?

- Yes, yes, it's a miracle of simplicity.

- Okay, so that's a good thing, right?

- Yes, the power supply is incredibly small.

- [Joe] Great.

- But not functioning.

- Okay.

You can fix it though, right?

- Yes, yes, I'm close, I'm close, I will call you

as soon as I have something.

- Okay, thank you, thank you so much.

(upbeat rock music)

You dick!

- I just found another one posted 12 minutes ago.

- He's at the studio.

(tires squealing)

- Is she always asleep?

- [Joe] Do you know what you've done?

- What?

- I told you not to post anything.

- It was too good not to.

- Yeah, and now Susan's seen it, her brother's seen it,

I'm sure everyone I know has seen it.

You ended my marriage before it even started.

(dramatic music)

Is that why you posted it, to break us up?

- Listen, Joe, she's not right for you.

- That's not for you to decide Murph.

- It's not just me.

Everyone else hates her too.

- Well, everyone else is irrelevant to our relationship.

- She's cheating on you Joe.

- You're a dick.

- It's true.

- You know what Murph?

Make up whatever you want,

I'm marrying Susan, okay.

Now grab your stuff and get out

'cause I'm done working with you.

- I'm on the lease!

(somber music)

- Home.

Happy.

- Happy.

(chuckling)

All right, happy, yeah.

(wires shorting)

- [Dr. Lee] Oh!

- Someone here has to know how the hell Joe knows

Blair O'Conner, and why on the night

of my bachelorette party

he's seen prancing around town showing off with her, huh?

Anyone.

- Who's Joe?

- Who are you?

- She works at Beer, Balls, and Boobs.

- You brought a stripper?

- I'm an entertainer.

- Okay, wait here, I wanna talk with Joe alone.

- If things go south here

you wanna just like get a drink or something?

- Dude, not the time.

- What's going on Murphy, hmm?

- What are you talking about?

- Why is my fiance with Blair O'Conner?

- Joe coulda been with me

eating Captain Crunch and Ding Dongs

but you wouldn't let him.

- Okay, how does he know her?

- A few weeks ago I was on a Tinder date,

we're talking at dinner, you know, about family.

And then she pulls out her phone and shows me

a Fourth of July photo from this year.

- Stop stalling, where is Joe?

- I couldn't help but notice this guy in the background,

really attractive, coulda been a model.

- I don't care about your stupid Fourth of July party.

- But you do,

because the guy in the photo was Martin Wright,

her brother, small world, right?

She told me that he's been super happy since he's been

dating you for the past nine months.

- I'm going to end it with Martin.

- It's over Susan.

- I love Joe.

- Really?

- Yes, this whole wedding has just been stressful.

It has taken up so much of my time.

And Joe spends all of his here.

- I already told Joe.

It's over.

- You just ruined his best chance at a perfect life,

screw you Murphy.

Fuck you.

- It's a hot tub, you know, hot, warm, relaxing?

Check this out.

Bubbles.

- Bubbles.

- Yeah.

(chuckling)

I'll get you a suit so you can go in.

It's just that sort of night.

- He's cheating on me with Blair O'Conner.

- Epic.

- Will you shut up?

- Murph told you Joe's cheating on you?

- I don't even know the man I'm about to marry.

You have nothing to say about this?

- Well, she's famous and you are kind of a ball buster.

(smirking)

- Janis?

- Cheating is wrong and if he did

then you can't get married.

- You're no help.

Karen!

(laughing)

- I don't know if this was the right backyard

for you to land in, but I'm glad you did.

(laughing)

- Bubbles.

- Yeah, bubbles.

My ramblings, do they mean anything to you?

What?

- Kissing.

- Normally yes, but it's complicated.

- Kissing, yes.

- See, I made this promise to kiss somebody else forever.

- Happy kissing.

- Any other planet, any other life I would,

but, you're making this very complicated.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello?

- I solved it, so get over here right now!

- Fantastic.

- [Dr. Lee] Now!

- All right, we're on our way.

Fixed.

(dramatic music)

- Joe!

- At least she's not wearing your clothes anymore.

♪ Give it up to me baby ♪

♪ You got to give it up ♪

(sighing)

- Did you find him?

- [Matt] Negative.

- This is humiliating.

I was going to marry him.

I was going to have his baby.

His baby, that would totally ruin my body.

And the second I'm not around he betrays me.

- We don't actually know what he's doing with her.

- Janis, will you shut up?

We know what he's doing with her.

- Okay, what are we doing here?

- I think you know were he is.

- You're losing it sis.

- Do you want some fries?

- We're gonna find him, and I need everyone's help.

(dramatic music)

- Sorry to interrupt your party, we're with the FBI.

I'm Agent Carlson, this is Agent Lyle.

- Can we take a look in the backyard?

- It's simple and brilliant.

It broadcasts slightly below 1500 megahertz.

So at first I gotta hang up on the power.

So you're gonna have to have a lot of powers

to get the signal out far and fast.

- But doc, we're running out of time.

- I kept going in a circle until I discovered

this device isn't sending the signal far.

- Fix.

- Exactly, exactly.

So they figured it out the way to

get a lot of powers very small.

But it's not really that powerful.

- Why not?

- Because they're close.

- How close?

- Very close.

Let me show you how to use this.

So you grab this and you plug three cables in here.

- Okay.

- Okay, then you grab this one

and then you turn on like this,

and then press button.

So this should work for 10 or 15 seconds

before it burns out the unit.

But only unknown is

how long the signal need for transmitted for.

- [Joe] How will I know?

- Well, you will know if her ride shows up.

- Home.

- Home.

- Home.

- I was about to leave, it's my bachelorette party,

and there was just this huge boom from outside.

We thought it was thunder because of the storm.

(dramatic music)

- No fucking way.

- What's up?

- Nothing.

- Right.

What do you know?

- Nothing.

If I tell you will you help me without telling your sister?

- Is he cheating on her?

- Very unlikely.

- Okay.

- [Agent Lyle] Where's your fiance now?

- He's off cheating on me with Blair O'Conner.

- From The Last Planet?

- Yes, from The Last Planet.

(sighing)

Where is everyone?

(upbeat music)

- I still don't get it.

- She's not actress Blair O'Conner,

she just looks exactly like her.

- How does Joe know her?

- I don't know but we had this guy on the show

and I have a feeling he'll know what's going on?

- You need to get to the open space and fast.

- Thank you doc.

- I've written five best sellers on extraterrestrials,

but I've never met one.

So, thank you.

Thank you my friend.

- Friend.

- Get her home.

- God, he thinks he can pull this a week before our wedding.

He's dead.

I'm gonna get the day that I deserve, I've been planning

18 months for this.

- Do you love him Susan?

- Shut up Janis.

(tires squealing)

- Did you cheat on Joe?

- What?

Karen, we've known each other since we were six.

- Exactly, you slept with Jim Delurgio when you knew

he was gonna ask me to prom.

- And when you knew I was stupid crazy about Darren Moore

you had sex with him on grad night after I said

he had a 14 inch dick.

(scoffing)

- It was 11 at best.

- It was supposed to be my 11.

- [Susan] You're uninvited!

(dramatic music)

- Hello?

- Fuck.

Where'd everybody go?

- No fucking clue.

So what do you think?

- Well, if he really is out with Blair O'Conner,

his fiancee doesn't stand a chance.

- No, about this place.

- Oh.

Looks like a lightening strike.

- And the green shampoo?

- Unscented's a little strange, but, there's nothing here.

- You hungry?

- Yeah.

- Dr. Lee.

- [Dr. Lee] What do you want?

- I'm a friend of Joe's, if I'm right

he was here with Blair O'Conner.

But not the real Blair O'Conner if you know what I mean.

If I am right, can I talk to you?

(buzzing in)

♪ Dance like a stripper ♪

♪ Dance dance like a stripper ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Dance like a stripper ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Dance like a stripper ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Dance dance like a stripper ♪

♪ Flex for hundreds you getting 'em ♪

♪ Dance like a stripper ♪

♪ Pop your pussy like a stripper 'cause he told you ♪

- You okay?

♪ Fuck that pole like a stripper ♪

♪ Run it back like a stripper ♪

- No, I'm not.

♪ I got dick I be all that ♪ ♪ EBT, baby all that ♪

- Do you wanna get high?

♪ Run it back ♪

♪ You know I'm lying I need all that ♪

- Okay.

- Well?

- They were here 15 minutes ago.

- So was it the real Blair or was it not the real Blair?

- It was the real Blair, Joe had a last minute chance

to interview her.

- So where are they now?

- Joe took her home, no selfie tonight.

- That sucks.

- So it's over.

- At least for tonight.

- Got another hour, should we get a drink?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- Are you ready to go home?

- Home.

(machine whirring)

- I don't know if that was long enough.

- Fixed.

- Fixed.

- Happy kissing.

- Maybe it didn't work?

(dramatic music)

No mother ship?

Come on, beam me up!

♪ Hey I don't know you ♪

♪ But you're making me feel some type a way ♪

♪ I look in your eyes and I don't wanna look away ♪

♪ When you come closer perhaps I may stay ♪

♪ Staring at your lips but I can't hear what you say ♪

♪ Do you feel ♪

- [Joe] Fuck, whatever.

♪ It too ♪

♪ Am I just crazy or am I falling for you ♪

- [Joe] Fuck.

♪ Just crazy or are you falling for me ♪

- [Joe] That can't be good.

♪ Are we just crazy or are we falling in love ♪

♪ Am I in love ♪

♪ Are we in love ♪

♪ Am I in love ♪

♪ With you ♪

(doorbell ringing)

- Seriously?

Hey Stacy.

- Crazy night?

- Yeah, more than you know.

- I heard you got into it with Murph.

- Yeah, he was just talking some shit.

- It's all true, she's been cheating on you

for the last nine months.

- You knew?

- Not the whole time, but yeah, I knew.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Because

I'm sort of in love with you and if I was the one

who broke up your marriage you would never talk to me again.

I couldn't stand that.

- Wait, what?

Why are you telling me now?

- Because Murphy is your best friend, you can't cut him

outta your life.

- Listen, Murph isn't going anywhere, okay?

Do you wanna come in?

- Hell yeah.

- So he cheated on you?

- Yeah, a week before our wedding.

- That is fucked up.

- So, you called off the wedding.

- No, I didn't,

he's my soulmate.

(both laughing)

- No such thing.

It's flashback 2002.

- Piss off.

What do you two losers know about soulmates?

- Only that they don't exist.

- You got a picture of this guy?

- Yeah.

- I know that dude.

We saw him tonight.

- Oh yeah, that's Blair O'Conner's new boyfriend.

(sighing)

♪ Mm-mm ♪

♪ You got my attention baby ♪

♪ And I can't make a move ♪

♪ Like a child I must start from love ♪

- Are you sure you wanna do this?

- Hey, who's gonna believe me anyway, right?

Let's go for it.

All right it's Monday, welcome to another episode

of Corellians In Freighters Drinking Coffee.

I'm Joe.

- And I'm Murph.

- All right Murph, how was your weekend?

- Pretty good, nothing too exciting.

How 'bout yourself?

- Well, I'm glad you asked.

Do I have a story to tell you.

(upbeat music)