Original subtitles

Shall I take your bags downstairs, love?

Oh, it's just... It's just one bag.

Quite, small. They don't...

I don't...

They don't want me to bring much.

No, no, no. Yes, I read the booklet.

So I can carry it.

I always thought we should have redecorated this room.

It was on my list, actually.

Well, you can now.

No, no, no. I meant for you. I meant,

this room was done up for a seven-year-old.

You've deers on the wallpaper.

I should've given it a lick of blue paint over the summer sometime.

Made it feel more like a grown-up's room.

I like it.

My point is,

I think you grew up and I didn't notice.

Well, Dad, none of this is to upset you.

I found an answer to something, that's all.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Muriel? Are you there?

KNOCK ON DOOR Anna?

Er, if, if you're there...

...Ithink we need to talk.

I-I'm just posting my number through the door.

I'd just like to talk. Talk more.

That's all.

SIREN WAILS

Oh!

No honey sandwiches?

No, I'm sure I can rustle something up.

Yeah? Don't.

How you doing?

MACHINE BEEPS STEADILY

Oh, you brought him?

Yeah.

You been waiting long, Father?

I'm sorry to keep you,

I'm having a bladder reaction to the drugs or something

and they were changing my pads.

This a right level of embarrassing for you?

Yep.

Do you want...? Would you prefer some private time?

No.

She wanted you here.

Besides, we've had enough of that.

She's bored of me yapping away,

complaining about this, that, the other.

Are you in pain?

Oh, yeah.

And it's on my notes that I'm an addict

so they're being very cheap with the painkillers.

Er, Tina wanted me to come and ask what you wanted to do next.

Oh, I'd like to go home

and live my life, thank you very much.

I suppose I am concerned that, with Tina's baby on the way...

What, I'll let him back in and he'll mess up that kid, too?

You're still charming.

Tina wants help.

I just...

I want things to be different now.

So you went to a priest?

I'm not a priest. Not here.

Just someone who cares.

We all care, Father.

Some more than we should.

I am through with vetting families for schools.

Little Algernon is a firm Catholic.

We can't attend, of course, we dry ski on Sundays,

but he prays daily

and we bought him some of your holy beads from Amazon.

Show him, Algy, show him.

I'm sure his name isn't Algernon.

No. He's called Biscuit or some such nonsense.

Sermon?

Oh, it's my sister's marriage blessing.

I didn't see it in the diary.

Second marriage. Ah.

First one was... Bloke was an arsehole.

It's a registry office wedding and then a blessing in the garden.

Then praise be she's getting on the horse again.

What? The Church isn't right about everything,

and I like your sister.

HE CHUCKLES

And I like people getting on horses.

I'm extending an awkward metaphor.

I'm checking you're getting the help you need.

I'm getting the help I need.

A lot of which is coming from my sister.

Well, that's good.

I was concerned, etc.

I won't interfere, etc.

Consider me spent.

Thank you.

Now, we've had a strange request I didn't know whether to pass on.

The chaplain at HMP Avonmouth has requested a visit.

What? Why? Why would...?

A parishioner has requested you.

Tina's father.

I don't think you should.

I'm not even sure Tina would like you going.

But... your decision.

CHOIR SING HYMN TO ST CELIA

Oh.

I...I wasn't sure whether to...

Knocked for you like four or five times at Muriel's.

You haven't been home.

Well, that is impressive of you.

I've rung. Repeatedly.

You've done a lot.

Very thorough.

It's, beginning to sound like harassment.

I, um...

I wanted to talk to you.

I'm aware.

I just wanted to say that I stand by everything I've said.

I've... I've thought about it and,

this doesn't often happen to me, but...

...I think I was right.

I think you and I should accept that

what happened between us was meaningful,

but not in the way,

well not... not the way that I thought it to be meaningful.

Can I speak now?

No.

Yes. If you want to.

You are...

But you're... you're not allowed to compliment me.

Can you...? Just if, for instance, you were going to say

that I was formidable or fantastic,

or even just interesting,

or anything about how I look or how I am,

then that, that wouldn't be OK to say.

Why not?

Look, can we just start from the beginning? I mean...

Look, the beginning and the end

is that I changed my life for you.

And you are not responsible for that.

I really... I really hope I've made it clear

that you are not responsible for that.

It's...

It's just the truth.

I fi... I've found all of this very confusing.

I apologise.

I also hope I've made it clear that it was all me and

I...I do apologise for your confusion.

But it wasn't all you.

You're not allowed to say that either.

Anna, what am I allowed to say?

Have you been praying?

About you?

God, no... No, not about me.

I just mean have you...

Have you been praying generally?

I feel like I've been the cause of some spiritual undoing

and I just...

I just wanted to make sure that you've been...

You've been praying again.

Yeah, I've been praying.

Have you?

Yes.

I've also been going more regularly to Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's not something I want advertised but something you probably guessed.

Yeah, I did...

...sense that. And that's helpful?

Think so. My sister's...

Good people around me.

You're not to feel responsible.

You shouldn't apologise. I should.

I'm sorry.

I behaved towards you like...

I felt... You-you made me feel things.

I need you to know that.

You made me feel things.

Now I...I'm trying to set myself right.

I'm determined to be a good priest.

Or at least the best priest I'm capable of being.

My confusion was never you.

It was...

You brought to light...

Well, you've done a bit more than bring to light.

At AA, we try to explain not who we are but why we are,

and I think you saw the who but not the why.

I think my understanding of what I should be has been...

I think I've been trying to help people in the wrong way.

And which way is that?

Saving people.

It's an addiction like any other.

Wonderful's the word I would've used to describe you.

See you again.

Not if I see you first.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Is that you?

Oh, of course it's you,

I'm due on shift.

Oh, I've cooked.

A disgusting idea, I know.

But on the off chance you're not repulsed,

there's half a shepherd's pie in the oven.

You look like you're coming down with a cold.

No. No, I'm fine.

You sure?

What time are you back?

Shift ends 5am. Very lucky, I know. Come here.

Eat the pie.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

TV PLAYS

LOUD MUSIC AND INDISTINCT CHATTER

Hi, can I have a glass of red wine, please?

We've got a list if you want to...

Oh, just the... Just the cheapest.

Coming right up.

SHE EXHALES

It's OK.

Hi. Hi.

You waiting for someone? Er, no, no. I...

I just couldn't stay in the house any longer.

Huh. How come?

Er...

Irritated by the sound of my own thoughts.

I know that feeling.

Tony.

Anna. Hi. Hi.

Who... who are you with?

Uh, my brother and his wife.

Yeah, they came here to get away from their kids

and they just want to talk about their kids.

THEY CHUCKLE

You got children?

No. No. You?

Uh, yeah, yeah, one. Ben. He's 11.

His mum and I are divorced. It's... it's tricky.

Yeah. I can imagine.

What do you do, Anna?

Uh, I'm a... cook.

Uh, a cafe cook.

Which cafe?

Well, really I just, I...I make cakes and bakes

and sell them to different cafes.

You know, just a home kitchen. Nothing big.

Mm.

Keeps me going.

Well, I may have eaten a sausage roll of yours in my time.

Spicy lamb rolls are my speciality.

Wh-what do you do?

Uh, solicitor. I work for Bristol City Council.

Oh, listen, I'm not very good at getting served

but can I buy you a drink, Anna?

Er, one more and I'll be drunk.

Oh.

Uh, I'm, um, to be honest, I...

I'm a bit bored of this place.

Have you... Have you got somewhere we could go?

Er, sure.

Huh.

You OK?

Can I just say, you're in great shape?

Better shape than me.

SHE BREATHES SHAKILY

Are you OK? Am I...? Am I going too fast?

No.

S, s, s, s, I'm sorry...

I mean, this was your idea, wasn't it?

No, it's, um... No, it's not... It's not you.

Listen, I'm... I'm sorry if I...

No, I'm, um... It's-it's not you. I'm-I'm sorry.

Well, it's, it's, it's OK. I like you.

I... I... Should I...? We...

I can make a cup of tea?

With some biscuits.

Maybe we can, we can, we can talk about it?

I'm, um... I'm...

I can't. What you going?

Can I call you?

No...

No.

Anna?

You've-you've done nothing wrong. This is...

It's... It's my-my mistake. Please, please don't.

I don't want this... I'm not ready.

PRISON GATE BUZZES

Father Hicks?

Father Bennet.

Call me William.

David.

OK, so you'll be meeting him in the multi faith room.

It's up to you if you want someone in the room with you.

I'll be OK.

I think he genuinely wants counsel.

DOOR BUZZES

Guard staying out?

You asked for me.

Yes.

I was surprised.

Yeah.

Am I here as a priest?

Or as a man?

As a priest.

What do you want from me?

I, um...

Uh, they told me she's gonna be OK.

I asked if I could call her but they... they said no.

You thought they might allow it?

I didn't know. That's why I asked.

Why do you wanna speak to her? Because I love her.

I wanted to hear her voice. Hear she was...

Hear she wasn't in too much pain.

What, pain that you caused?

Yeah, I know, I know.

Have you...?

Will you visit her?

I have.

And is she...? She's in pretty bad shape.

I don't know...

I don't know how to stop.

If she gives evidence against me they'll give me two years, maybe,

and I'll be released on condition that I stay away from her.

But... but she'll find me. Because that's her way.

And... and then I'll just do it again.

You've assumed a lot of things in that statement.

Or she won't and I'll find someone else.

I can smell it on 'em.

The woman.

The women who won't say no. The women that'll take it.

I-I know who they are. Sounds like...

Oh, what, you think there weren't others before her?

Others during her?

Yeah, it doesn't take a lot for me to get women.

These hands have broken three jaws.

I've stamped on hands.

I've shattered legs, pelvises, eye sockets.

One girl I almost ripped her ear clean off.

What can you say to that?

You sound almost proud.

My mum, she walked with a... a hunch.

Walking round the house with a bunch of washing

in a cheap plastic basket,

and this saggy face and this hunch...

...like she was always waiting for the gut punch.

Why did you want me to hear that?

What's the question?

I'm thinking I need to kill myself.

And I know that that is a sin,

but I'm thinking it's all that I've got.

It is the only way to stop me.

And I'm asking for your guidance on that.

OK.

I think that you need help.

Tried it. It didn't work.

I think you need to try again.

Father Bennet told me of a counselling service here.

No. No. I just want to hurt them too.

They think they're so fucking clever. They never are.

I am actually clever.

I can see how fucking thick they are and I won't have it.

Do you think I'm clever?

You? You're not as clever as you think.

You are weak.

I can smell the booze on you now.

No.

Fine.

But I've smelt the booze on you before.

And I know you go to those meetings.

I've got friends in those meetings and they know you're weak too.

Why... why's it matter what I think?

Because I have said this.

You are my priest.

I've never much felt like your priest.

You can talk to any priest.

Maybe someone with some distance. Father Bennet.

I don't know them. They could be kiddy fiddlers,

or worse still,

the pious fuckers who think that everything is easy.

You're weak...

...but you're a good man.

I've seen you and I know you're good.

And you have been good to my daughter.

I trust your judgment.

I don't want this last act to be a sin.

I want it to be an act of penance.

And God is not talking to me right now,

so I need to know from you, I need to know that...

I need to be sure that this is...

That penance is right.

Good.

Good, yeah, you're thinking.

Well, there it is. I know I've said all I want to say.

I'll trust your word.

Yes or no?

First foster home I went to was fine

but they were only doing emergency care.

The second was OK but we didn't get on.

Third foster family I went to, I was five.

I lived there for two years till I was seven.

The oldest kid there was 14.

I won't give him his name because he doesn't deserve it.

To be honest, I don't need to hear the personal stuff.

He thought I made too much noise. He liked to pinch me.

Just little hard pinches that no-one saw.

And I-I was a pretty scared child and I let him.

And then it escalated a little.

He'd punch me.

Little rabbit punches he'd call them.

He'd push me off things, and he'd...

...do everything he could, little things, to...

He enjoyed my pain.

I am not finding this interesting. I just want an answer.

I didn't want to talk to my support worker about it,

because I thought it was this or an institution,

and I had my own room with this family

and I really enjoyed the food,

and I had a couple of friends at school that I liked to play with.

And then my...

The people who became my parents started to visit.

And they were really special.

Everyone could see.

They smelt good. They were Catholic.

Everyone knew that religious adopters were the best kind.

Third time they visited,

he followed me into the toilet

and he slammed my head into the bowl and he held it,

he tried to hold it into the water,

he tried to drown me in the toilet water,

but there wasn't enough water in the bottom of the bowl

and so he pushed his hands around my head

and I was bleeding.

He strangled me.

He strangled me so hard I lost consciousness.

I...

I don't know how.

I don't who saved me.

I was taken away from that foster family immediately,

taken, actually taken in to...

By the Catholics who adopted me.

My point is...

Actually, I have two points.

My first is - I understand pain.

I understand people who want to inflict pain.

My second point is, that boy, me...

...I had no-one to talk to.

No-one.

And I...I've thought since then,

I resolved I would never let anyone be alone like that,

like I was, again.

But...

But I think you do need to be alone, Phil.

Penance is about change.

It's not about ends.

If you commit the same sin,

you can't just clean it off

and you can't think one act cleans the slate. It doesn't.

God doesn't work like that.

God loves but God also expects. And what does he expect?

He expects love.

He expects love.

For yourself and for others.

And he expects you to be the best love.

John 4:8.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.

"Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."

So, no. No. I will not sit in judgment on your act.

It's a sin how you've lived and if you kill yourself,

it'll be a sin how you die.

But I will say this.

Yeah, you're right. I am weak.

But you are weaker

if you think you truly have no way of helping yourself.

And I will be... I... I will do everything I can

to help Bianca see this through

so you stay in here for a very long time.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi.

Hello.

This is a surprise.

I, uh, thought about calling,

but I didn't want to catch you unawares.

Well, you caught me unawares on your last visit so...

...fair's fair.

And you're cooking?

The James family invited us over.

I thought I'd make my apple cake.

Chris? Chris!

Well, don't let me stop you.

Do you want to help?

Yeah. Of course.

Hmm.

Hello.

She's helping me now. You can go back to your room.

Nice to see you.

And you, Dad. Are you well?

We're cooking.

That was an odd thing to do, wasn't it? Forgot I had some out.

Sure.

You de-core and slice.

I'll keep working on the rest of it.

OK.

Er, I've been making a yoghurt and apple cake, actually.

We had a farmer who would swap...

Ah. Doesn't matter.

THUD!

I hate it when you do that.

When you're superior like that. "It doesn't matter."

Like you are the arbiter of...

I, um...

I'm just... I'm just here to see you, Mum.

I just want to help you make a cake.

I like thin slices.

Feels like they melt into the cake when they're thin.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

I need a lift, Dad.

OK. Where to?

Hello, Father.

Hello. Um...

I just wondered if Anna...

Whether I could talk to Anna.

Um... No, I'm afraid you can't.

Look, I-I know I've made mistakes.

I-I just want to explain

or try to set things right,

just talk to her.

She's gone back.

Back where?

She...

She left me a letter.

Probably thought I'd try and convince her different.

Do you... Do you want to come in? She's made a mistake.

I think you've thought that a few times.

She has.

She took her skin off for you.

Maybe she just wants to put it on again.

Feel safe again.

Yeah.

HE SIGHS

Anna?

Oh, it is you.

And looking so healthy.

Look at that lovely hair.

Hello, Polly. Hello, Agnes.

I didn't think I'd see you again.

You have light all through you.

Hello.

I...

Are you in-in the middle of something or shall I...?

Stay. Please.

Please don't make this humiliating.

I wasn't intending to.

But may I ask why?

This is my home.

No. It is a home of God.

Did he reject you?

No.

Are you going to change your mind again?

No.

Sorry to ask, I hope you know why I have.

Is there still a place for me?

Of course there is.

I can do good work here.

You always did.

I, uh, I have my habit.

If you want to, you may put it back on.

You are loved here

and we are pleased you have found your way back.

I love you, too.

And I will try not to expect you to be the same person now

as you were when you left us.

Though you do seem to be just as irritating.

In the name of the Father

and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

The Lord be with you.

And with your spirit.

Lord, we have sinned against you.

Lord have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

Lord, hear our prayer to fill us as you filled your Son

with love to fight the world.

Help us...

...to...

Help...

Help-help-help us to...

Amen.

Amen.

Show us.

Show us your mercy

and your love.

And grant us your salvation.

May Almighty God have mercy on us,

forgive our sins

and bring us to everlasting life.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.