Original subtitles

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell, but I've been seen with Sparrow.

I've never been with anything less than a nine, so fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field, gone past with a girl named Bo.

But somehow they just don't end up as mine.

It's a death defying life I lead.

I take my chances.

I die for living in the movies and TV.

But the hardest thing I ever do is watch my leading

ladies kiss some other guy while I'm bandaging my knee.

I might fall from a tall building.

I might roll a brand new car.

Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redfoot such a star.

I've never spent much time in school, but I've taught ladies plenty.

It's true, I hire my body out for pay.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Teague's blowin' up for Rocky and Welch.

But when I wind up in the hay, it's only hay.

I might jump an open drawbridge, or toys and puppets.

But I'll find, cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Eastwood look so fine.

A little pause... and we are back.

A little pause... and we are back.

On the other hand, it does look more expensive than it cost.

Hey, wait a minute.

Aren't you the home-run king, Perkins?

I can tell you're a baseball fan just by the way you carry yourself.

Oh, Mr. Perkins, this is a proud moment for me.

You know, I used to take my kids to the ballpark just to watch you play.

Thanks, son.

Now, about this bracelet.

Now, couldn't you and me horse trade a little bit to bring that 416?

Well, you're a nice man, Mr. Perkins, but that's rock bottom on that.

That's almost what I paid for it.

I see.

Well, thanks anyway.

I'm sorry.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why don't I use these for collateral, huh?

You know, just you give me the bracelet until I can wire my bank for some cash.

And you hold on to these and make sure I'm good for it.

These are your medals.

Rookie of the year.

Most valuable player.

Comeback player.

So what about it?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You need these medals more than I do.

Here.

Here.

Take this.

OK.

For what?

Well, memories.

Just call it a thank you gift.

You keep your money.

I'm not a charity case.

Well, no, I didn't mean... I didn't... Mr. Mr. Perkins, your medals!

We saw who did it.

It was the man in the store.

Perk Perkins?

It couldn't be.

Wow,

those old-timers still have the moves.

Man, I bet that takes a guy your age back.

Ah, these old-time big leaguers are still great, aren't they, Colt?

Hey, there's an old-timer I haven't seen in 20 years.

Wow, Perk Perkins!

Wow, man!

He had back-to-back home runs in the first game

I ever saw on television when I was a kid, Colt.

Well, he still looks like he could run down a Texas leaguer.

He does.

Perk, what's been happening to you since you left baseball?

Well, I've been fairly busy.

A little real estate development around the country and the usual charity work.

Colt Seavers?

Seavers in the stunt unit.

Well, showtime.

Back to work, kids.

This is the first major league old-timers game you've been in.

Well, Ross, it's taken me this long to admit that I am an old-timer.

I see.

I guess I can't keep fooling myself forever, huh?

Doing this movie at a university is like deja vu, Colt.

Deja vu.

Oh, yeah, that's that new international star, ain't it?

No.

I mean, shooting on a college campus brings back lots of memories.

Yeah, like what?

Like Varsity Glee Club.

Halls of Ivy.

The big game.

Not graduating?

Let's do the stunt.

Your car rigged for the explosion?

Yeah, I checked it out.

Your bulldozer's near the greenhouse.

All right, let's make it.

See you later, kid.

Okay.

Okay, guys.

Smash them up.

Cameras are rolling.

Okay, start bringing on the bad guys.

Tell Timmy that looked good.

He did roll out of the way.

He's fine.

How are you doing?

I'm fine.

I haven't had this much fun since I built a

long fly ball through my mama's kitchen window.

Okay, coming back through the greenhouse.

Jody, visibility's down.

Tell the stunt crew to stay on their toes.

Will do.

Keep on your marks, guys.

Okay, knocking out the water tower.

I can see it from here.

It's sensational.

Your turn, Howie.

Jump fast.

Don't worry.

The way I have this machine rigged, I'm gonna move like lightning.

Here we go.

There you go.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

How are you?

Did you hear what he told Ross Porter?

Real estate and charity.

Charity begins after you pay your debts.

Come on.

Sure.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, Perk.

I'd like to talk to you about going to the Hall of Fame.

For dead beats.

I bet you old Jeff Draper sent you boys down here.

Well, I got his check right here in my pocket.

Sorry.

Perkins?

What the heck's going on?

Who are those guys?

Muggers.

They wouldn't settle for just an autograph.

They took my watch, my wallet, my...

Oh, God.

The airport loses my luggage.

The cab that I take over to the ballpark.

The kid that's driving it could not find the Grand Canyon with radar.

And now these muggers.

I mean, all my money and my credit cards were in my wallet.

Thanks.

You know, Perk, we'd be proud to have you stay with us.

It's not nothing fancy, but, gosh, it's close to the ballpark.

The couch is real comfortable.

It's not the Ritz, but it's... The kid will take the couch.

You can have his room.

Oh, well, I certainly appreciate it, but...

Well, my daughter's getting married today, and...

Anyway, I've put you guys through enough already to...

I mean, it's not exactly appropriate nuptial wear, is it?

Oh.

You got any of you appointment to a place where I can rent a dinner jacket?

Oh, hold on.

No, the studio's close by.

I can run down, see Jimmy George's wardrobe guy, and he can pick you up something.

Sure.

Well, I'd really appreciate that.

Well, wait a minute.

I want to show you a little trinket that I picked up in Japan.

Yeah, just got it for my daughter.

Wow, that's some trinket.

Hey, I'd be glad to wrap that up for you if you'd like, Perk.

Oh, no, no, I just keep it here in my pocket.

It's a little game we used to play.

Sort of a guessing game when she was just a little kid.

Oh, that's nice.

Look, I'll be right back with the jacket.

Bye.

Hey, listen, I'll show you where you can wash up, and I'll get you some towels.

Thanks, Julie.

I'm gonna repay you, Colt.

Oh, forget it.

As a matter of fact, you know I can get you in on a great deal on a condo in Dallas.

This is what I need.

Um, Colt, I don't think Perk's as shook up as he'd like us to believe.

Why do you say that?

Well, he seems pretty lively for someone who's just been mugged.

Well, he's got a strong constitution.

Yeah, well, I think judging from his clothes, the

only real estate he owns is under his fingernails.

Jody, look, I told you he's gonna be my guest, okay?

And I'd like you and Howie to keep that in mind.

Sure, Colt.

Anything you say.

Thank you.

Things are working out okay, Colt.

You call being mugged okay?

No, I mean, I'm just glad I met you when I did.

Yeah, why's that?

I'm kind of nervous about seeing my daughter at her wedding.

And we haven't exactly kept in touch since her mother and I got married.

Well, if your daughter's old enough to get

married, she's old enough to understand that.

Well, it's been nine or ten years.

That long, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I tried, but I had so many commitments.

Well, you know what it's like when you're a big league star.

I've never had that luck, Burke.

What are you thinking, Burke?

Just how nice it always was to get another chance at the plate after striking out.

I must have a broken taillight or something.

I hope this is not gonna take long.

I don't want to be late for Robin's wedding.

Yeah.

You guys want to get out of the truck?

Let's go.

Hey, what's going on?

All right, put your hands in the truck.

Spread your legs.

Hey, you guys are making a mistake.

I'm an officer of the court.

A licensed professional bounty hunter.

Uh-huh.

This is Kirk Perkins, right?

Right.

We ain't done nothing illegal.

Yeah?

This proves you're wrong, buddy.

You're under arrest for burglary.

Oh, Matt, am I glad to see you.

I don't understand how the police could make a mistake like this.

Two women made the identification.

Well, they saw me in the store.

It's only natural they'd remember who I am.

But a thief?

Come on.

Colt put up bail through my office.

Hey, thanks, Colt.

A million.

Thanks a million.

I'd just like you to know that Colt has put up his truck as collateral,

so if you skip, he both loses his truck and the $1,000

cash he's been saving for this month's mortgage payment.

Terry, I ask you not to say anything.

Well, I just wanted this man to know what kind of money you're betting on him.

I don't like to see my friends taken for a ride.

All right, you've said your piece.

All right.

Perkin, I can handle it from here, okay?

All right.

It's your roof and your wheels.

I just want to keep you rolling and dry.

All right.

All right.

Thanks.

I don't know what to say, Colt.

Well, then don't.

What about your daughter?

Well, I called her and explained the error.

Is she coming to see you?

I wouldn't ruin her honeymoon plans.

I mean, I've done enough.

Well, maybe you can hit a few over the fence for her.

Yeah.

That first home run's got her name on it.

The next one is all yours.

That's where Severs lives.

From the looks of the place, she wouldn't know.

I didn't think he had enough money to post bail.

Do we hit him here, Mr. Draper?

Too many witnesses.

You sure it's worth it to take a guy out for just 50 G's?

It will be worth ten times that much to our operation.

When a famous celebrity like Perk Perkins can become

deceased for running out on a gambling debt to me.

Ordinary suckers think twice before they sniff me.

Nobody would dare hold that on us, surely.

So Perkins goes.

It's good advertising.

Perk, doesn't it seem like an odd coincidence claiming that you stole a

necklace that looks exactly like one that you bought for your daughter?

Howie, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction and a lot harder to swallow.

Um, there are a lot of places to buy pearls in Japan.

Where'd you buy them, Perk?

Tokyo?

Osaka?

Kyoto?

Matter of fact, I got it from a small pearl dealer in Hokkaido.

You two ever been to Japan?

Very interesting culture.

They don't forget their old heroes.

And they seem to think that age counts for something.

All right, Perk has answered enough questions for the day.

Well, Cole, I just wanna... Come on, we gotta get you to the ball field.

I'll be with you in a hot minute.

That man is lying to his teeth!

Come on, come on, enough.

The man is a guest at my house.

I want him treated that way, okay?

But, Cole, listen... Yeah, Cole... Will you shut up?

Gee, trying to get you two to be quiet is

like trying to sneak a sunrise past a rooster.

Come on, Perk.

All right.

Why would he take so much interest in a washed-up ball player?

I mean, it's obvious the man's lying.

He ever mentioned Perk before?

No.

The first time he ever mentioned Perk Perkins was at the ball field yesterday.

It's not like Cole to act like this.

It's just different.

It's weird.

Well, remember.

You owe me a four-bagger.

Thanks for all your help.

Forget it.

It was my pleasure.

Dick, now, don't you worry about that bail money.

I'm gonna' wire my business manager for the cash as soon as this game is history.

Hey, this is family business.

This old-timers game is history.

You and all those other players out there are

the part of the lives of millions of people.

You know, I wonder about that sometimes.

They're really part of their lives and...

Hey, kids remember.

They don't forget, Perk.

Come on, it's time to play ball.

Come on, slap it together.

Make that first shot count, Sammy.

I didn't make Eagle Scout for nothing.

Charlie, nail it.

Sammy!

Hold it!

We

gotta make a move on this turkey.

And straight into that oncoming car.

You gotta be kidding.

Do as I say.

Damn, he's still on us.

He's still on us.

Shake that guy, Sammy.

Ah, there's our answer.

That semi up there.

Put it around the right-hand side.

We'll shoot up the concrete.

Good shot, Sammy!

We'll shoot up the concrete.

Colt made a big mistake bailing out Perkins.

Like what?

Well, I ran a check to verify his story about buying that necklace in Japan.

Yeah?

Phony, right?

That's right.

He's got a record a mile long.

Small-time grifting mostly, some bad checks.

You know, shoplifting, running out on some debts.

A little here, a little there.

Nothing that an apology or a fine couldn't remedy.

Yeah, especially with his name.

Yeah.

You know, Colt put up his truck for collateral for that bail.

Yeah, bail I guarantee.

Well, Colt has to know the truth.

The way he feels about Perk, you may not want to hear it.

This is the police file on your friend, Ronald Perkins.

I didn't ask you to run a check.

I'm a bail bonds person, Colt.

I always run a secondary check on anybody I'm covering.

What earth-shattering news did you come up with?

Read for yourself.

Started nine years ago with a bad check scheme in Houston.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help overhearing the beginning of a long laundry list.

A list of calamities.

Mind if I look at it?

Think that about covers it?

Mm-hmm.

Now look, it's an old story, kid.

Somebody's been running around this country impersonating me.

Running up huge bills, long-distance phone calls, writing bad checks.

Yeah, look, it's happened to other celebrities.

As long as I'm in the public eye, I am a target.

Howie, don't you have a stunt to do?

Here.

What's this?

Expenses.

Expenses for what?

I know that police file's legitimate.

What are you talking about?

I just told you.

You told me a lot of things.

But that bus ticket and your jacket told me the truth.

And I never asked you for charity.

It wasn't charity.

It was thanks.

Colt, you got a bad case of hero worship.

Now just take a good, long look at me.

I'm clay feet up to the knees.

I need some air.

What are you gonna do when those muggers come back for you again?

What makes you think they will?

Because they want you for more than the cash in your wallet.

And they're not gonna quit until they're satisfied.

Get off my case.

Come on, Burke.

Who are they?

What do they want?

When did I ask you to stop playing my daddy?

When you let me bail you out of that jail, that's when.

We're tied together, pal, real tight.

Well, I'm untied in the nut right now.

But you're not getting off that easy, Jimmy.

I'm just an old broken-down ball player.

What does it mean to you?

It means a lifetime to me, Perk.

It started with a smart aleck kid.

Back when he was 15 years old.

In the days when you were touring the Midwest with your ball club.

You stopped at a small town in Oklahoma one Sunday.

It's a cinch.

Old Man Johnson doesn't even have a burglar alarm.

Come on.

Will Jimmy open the door with this?

Oh, man.

I don't know.

Come on.

It's a cinch.

We need the meds.

Gee whiz.

Can't we save up our money or something?

Not in time for Saturday's game.

Come on, Chuck.

Don't do this.

Somebody's coming.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, what are you doing?

Let go of me.

What are you, Chuck?

I didn't do nothing.

I know you didn't.

I got here before you could.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Let me go.

Perk, Perkins.

Never mind who I am.

It's what you are that counts.

Boy, hey, look.

Look at that face in there.

And tell me what you see.

Me?

Mm-mm.

That ain't what I see.

I see the loser of the century.

A chump who's looking for more trouble than he can handle.

Aw, you know what?

You know, you could be a winner.

Yeah, I mean, if you want something, you work for it.

And what were you busting in that store for, anyway?

I need to admit, my mom can't afford them.

Oh.

Did you tell anybody?

I was ashamed to.

Being poor is nothing to be ashamed of.

Stealing, now that's something to be ashamed of.

Look, here's a couple of tickets to the nice exhibition game.

Now, what just happened is between you and me, just you and me.

But if I ever hear of you trying to pull something like this off again, I'm gonna.

..

You won't have to.

All right.

Okay, now get out of here.

So what?

I don't even remember it happening.

Well, I do, Perk.

I was that kid.

You turned me around.

At the game, you even gave me a mitt.

Well, you're not that kid anymore.

And I'm certainly not that ballplayer.

Look, I owe you.

It's not often that a person gets a chance to pay back a debt like that.

Oh, Colt, what you're doing for Perk, I think it's terrific.

Well, he doesn't think so.

Well, the fact is, there's nothing that you all can do.

If you'd just tell us what's going on, maybe we could help you.

Nothing that $50,000 couldn't fix.

$50,000?

I got hung in a floating crap game at the Manchester Hotel.

It's rigged, but by the time I found that out, I was too far in to back out.

Some guy came along and offered to bankroll you.

His name is Jeff Draper.

He said he was doing it because he used to love to watch me play ball.

Well, to make a short story even shorter, I lost his stakes plus a lot.

I bet this Draper arranged the whole scam.

This Draper sounds like a piranha waiting for a victim to step into his river.

Yeah, and his river is the Manchester Hotel.

So what?

Well, even a piranha takes notice when a shark ventures into his waters.

Even a loan shark.

Especially a loan shark.

And guess what, Jody?

You're going to be the minnow we're going to use as bait.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

It's all set.

Good.

Well, the game is in operation right now.

Yes, and the bill boy's been paid off.

Sounds like you're adding up my markers with you, Terry.

Nothing comes cheap, Colt.

After all, what are friends for?

Terry, you don't mean that.

I'm only kidding.

All right, what else is going down?

Uh, Howie, you're in like the great white shark.

What do you think?

Look authentic, eh?

Well, you have the material of a shark's gun.

Oh, Jody, Jody, you've also been cleared.

Now, remember, your story is you're an out -of-town

Deb and you're looking for some big money action.

Whoa.

Okay, I got the wardrobe department working on it right now.

Yeah, well, you know the plan.

Right now.

These are not make-believe hoods, Colt.

Yeah.

But we're not playing games either.

Okay, four and four, eight.

Eight's a point.

Big eight.

Eight's a point.

Okay, eight's my number.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Come on, baby.

That's good, isn't it?

Eight.

Eight's a point.

Still a point.

Looking for eight.

Oh.

Place your bets, please.

Eight.

The name's Castle.

Eight.

Eight's a hard way.

Eight's a hard way.

Okay.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Big eight.

Eight's the number.

Still looking for eight.

Five, two.

Looking for eight.

Eight's the number.

Roll the dice.

That's a winner.

It's a big winner.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

Good.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Look at that money.

Rich, rich, rich, rich, rich.

I think I'm going to have to roll again.

All right, roll now.

Craps, you lose.

House wins.

More money down.

Money on the table.

All bets down.

Shooter coming out.

That's Johnny's signal.

Looks like we might have a potential customer.

Craps.

That's a craps.

It's a cute blonde.

Doing business might be a pleasure this time.

Check her out, Sammy.

Will do.

Yeah, this is Sammy.

Draper wants a rundown on the blonde girl at Johnny's table.

Craps.

Money on the table.

All bets down.

Shooter coming out.

Pass the dice, ma'am.

Huh?

The dice.

Pass them, please.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Well, it seems she's a wealthy debutante from New York.

Westchester County.

She just ran through this month's allowance.

Good.

Sounds like a very safe risk.

Come on, baby.

Craps.

Lady, you lose.

Oh, this is the worst run of luck I've ever had.

Excuse me, doll.

Hey, that's my lucky spot.

Yeah.

Well, it looks like Lady Luck took a walk.

What's it to you?

Maybe there's a way I can help you.

I doubt that.

Look, sister, I've got the bread and you need the dough.

We talking money or cookies?

What do you say we discuss this in private, huh?

Look, Howie, will you cut it out?

You sound like Mel Brooks' version of public enemy number one.

Yeah, well, what if they get a load of this?

Take a look for me.

All right.

I think the piranhas are beginning to smell blood.

Yeah.

And with a bankroll big enough to give a hernia to a weightlifter, Mr. Craper.

Nobody moves in on my action.

Let's get him in here.

Yes, sir.

Okay, place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, I'm flush again.

Put 50 on the come and 10 on the field.

I feel lucky.

What'd you sell?

It's not what I sold, it's what I promised.

Hey, hey, watch it.

Let's not make a scene, pal.

Would you like to have a little talk with you in the other room?

All right, I'll come easy.

Just don't offend the merchandise.

Place your bets, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, please place your bets.

This game's getting a little too heavy for me.

New shooter coming out.

Place your bets, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.

Come on, man.

Hold it right there!

I wouldn't go out there unless you want to have some target practice.

You wouldn't shoot me with a room full of people out there?

Those people are involved in a very illegal activity.

You think they're going to say anything to anyone?

You got a point.

On the other hand, you might not want to

treat a future business associate as an enemy.

Your own barred time, pal.

The name's Castle.

My employer is Mr. Floyd Ralston.

Name ring any bills?

Floyd Ralston from Texas.

I thought the feds got him for tax evasion last month.

They couldn't make that stick.

Now you boys can either play it real stupid and rough me up...

or you can try to be intelligent and hear me out.

Now you're showing some sense.

May I use your phone?

Yeah.

How he did it?

Hello.

Mr. Ralston, I've got Draper here.

Put him on.

We got him.

Mr. Ralston, Draper.

Mr. Draper, I've heard a great deal about your operation.

I've heard a lot about you, too.

I don't like people invading my territory.

I wouldn't get in the way.

What if I stop you?

You try that, Mr. Draper.

I'm sure you'll find yourself in a battle you can't win.

You see, I got many friends in your city's government.

Well, the territory's a big one.

Why don't we talk it over like businessmen?

Just you and me, right?

Just the two of us.

All right, but if you double-cross me, my boys will have the last word,

and it goes bang.

Why are we meeting here, right next to Dodger Stadium?

Mr. Ralston is a big-time sports fan.

He'll go anywhere, anytime for a game.

You're not dealing with a small-time operator.

I have a very long arm and a very short temper.

He'd better have something important to say.

Okay.

Where is he?

Right over there.

Oh, you Jefferson Draper?

Yes.

Seems we have a slight problem over territorial waters.

Oh, we don't have a problem.

You do.

You, uh, fly much?

Only when I have to.

Well, you should try flying.

It'll get you in touch with the elements.

I thought we came here to talk.

Well, you see, I do my best thinking when I fly.

Look, I didn't come here to play games.

Neither did I.

Sammy.

Now, either you get in, or he's gonna throw you in.

Thanks, Joey.

With this remote control, I can fly Colt's chopper

just like I was sitting at the control room.

Now, isn't this much more relaxing?

I got nothing to say.

Oh, you will.

Relax.

You're going nowhere.

How'd you take Perk Perkins for $50,000?

No comment, Ralston, or whoever you are.

Come on.

The game was set up.

You set up a lot of people the same way.

Then you put the screws to them.

What difference does that make to you?

Well, the difference is whether or not you step in.

Or whether you stay alive.

According to your rap sheet, you don't know how to fly.

That's kind of unlucky at 5,000 feet.

Especially since I'm getting off here.

Are you crazy?

I'll be killed.

Oh, it's okay.

It's on remote control right now.

Now, if you'll just talk into the microphone and make a full confession,

my friends will bring you down nice and easy by remote control from the ground.

Oh, my God.

You are insane.

Yeah, well, you have it your way.

But you're not going to make much of a landing without some outside help.

See you later, Park.

No!

No!

Don't go!

Auto control's locked in, Howie.

Got him.

We'll take it from here.

I won't talk.

You can't make me talk.

I don't give a damn what you do.

I'm not talking.

Oh, sure you will.

Hey, buddy!

Is he talking?

No, just screaming.

Let's

try barrel roll.

Go for it.

I sent Burke up.

Okay, patch the plane mic into the PA.

Roger.

I ran the cricket game on him till I drew him so far in

the dead that he hit a bar for me just to stay alive.

Then I did the bone strike number on him.

But I figured he'd be better for me.

Save me!

Okay, save the bum, kid.

Sorry, Cole.

I couldn't resist.

Hey, easy, kid.

We don't want to kill him.

Oh, well, every story has a happy ending.

Only for some people, Jody.

Only for some people.

Wow.

This is incredible.

Autographs of all the old-time ball players.

Well, if I helped you guys to get me, I

thought it was the very least that I could do.

By the way, Cole, I got a job offer, and I'm no more bumming around.

That's fantastic.

Oh, by the way, that pawn shop owner was very glad to get his merchandise back.

So, just a little souvenir for you, Howie.

Souvenir, Burke?

Look at these signatures.

Most of these guys are Hall of Famers.

Wow.

Hey, come on.

Can you quiet down?

I'm trying to watch the game, huh?

Can you turn that volume up?

I want to see the game, huh?

Yeah, we were working while it played.

Okay.

Hey, no play-by-play.

Let Ross Porter do it.

Okay, Jody.

Here comes one of the great home run kings.

Perk Perkins is up to bat.

Handsome devil, isn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Here's the pitch.

Hey, hey, hey, that's the Perk Perkins I remember.

Yeah.

What a slugger.

What a pitcher.

Oh.

Hey

what's up with the dumb vídeos that you Posters car use?

Oh, my.

It's Bulldozer.

Huh?

Let's see.

Hey, this is good.

Oh, yeah.

Sh dire headlines of this song.

See?

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