Original subtitles

That's you!

Hey!

What

the hell is going on here?

I'm a guest!

Unless someone's sliding you into the building, you are not a guest.

Alright, please.

Man, I'm counting on you to see my friend.

Don't take that tag with me.

My friend lives here.

Please don't put me in this position.

Why are you doing this?

I'm gonna have to call the campus police.

No, Jordan, she's my guest.

She's your guest.

Yeah, yeah, she's... Hi, Stephanie.

Yeah.

Stephanie, thank you.

Stephanie...

Sanders.

Stephanie Sanders, right here.

Just take care of her, okay?

Oh yeah, no, I got this.

This is all taken care of.

You don't have to worry about that.

Thank you.

Thanks, ma'am.

Thank you.

Sorry.

Oh, rock and roll.

What?

I said rock and roll.

Oh.

Alright, this is, uh, this is us.

Us.

You're funny.

Nice porn.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Nice panties.

Who are you?

I'm Jake.

Lainey.

It's a nickname they give to people named Elaine.

Elaine's a great name.

It's like, Elaine!

Elaine!

Hey.

If you ever even mention the graduate again, I will slit your throat.

Okay, Lainey.

Glad we got that cleared up.

Welcome to my Thursday night, huh?

You, uh, you wanna watch porn?

Smoke drugs?

This sucks.

Mm.

You know what I was gonna do tonight?

Judge him from your outfit?

I'd say scale a mountain.

Lose my virginity.

Hold on a second.

You were gonna lose your virginity to Matthew Sobacek in 11B at Ween Dormitory?

He's the TA in my pre-med bio class.

I'm deliberately failing to get work sessions with him.

Ugh.

We fool around after he teaches me things I already know.

Jesus.

How Matthew Sobacek managed to bag such a delightfully unhinged

hottie by being the most boring fucking thing I've ever seen.

This fucking guy on this entire floor is beyond me.

Well, I'm in love with him.

Come on.

There's no way you love Matthew Sobacek, the Pontiac Aztec of people.

Lainey, you having sex with Matthew Sobacek is basically the same thing as me

telling an Aborigine in the Australian Outback that he's about to listen to The

Beatles for the first time and that I play him Blues Traveler.

That's a cruel joke, for I will have just tricked him into thinking Blues Traveler

is the greatest band of all time.

Okay?

Now, if you were to sleep with Matthew Sobacek, that would be the best.

If you were to sleep with Matthew Sobacek, you would

be addicted to mediocrity for the rest of your life.

And that barely covered vagina of yours deserves better than that.

It doesn't deserve John Popper.

It deserves John Lennon.

Okay?

You understand me?

I'm talking about, like, the White Album, not Hook.

Tell me what sex is like.

Oh, my God.

You have got a one-track mind.

Fuck you.

Enlighten me.

You want me to tell you what sex is like, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Tell me.

You'd better be ready.

You ready?

Yes.

Sex is like, uh, it's like kissing with your entire body.

Very sensual experience.

It's like shooting heroine in a controlled, yet moist environment, you know?

You know what it's like?

It's like, it's like Times Square at night, you know?

I mean, just the right tinge of danger.

Oh, my God.

What?

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're okay.

Yeah, so I haven't...

technically...

actually really done it yet.

Why are you laughing at me?

That's not... You're so old!

Fuck you!

I didn't call you an old virgin!

I'm not!

I'm shocked!

I'm shocked!

You're so cute!

Why are you giving me shit?

You can't get the most boring dude in our dorm to sleep with you.

You know that?

I mean, that's ridiculous.

You're the one that should be...

No, I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to upset you.

I was just joking around with you.

I thought we were joking around.

So I was joking.

This was all almost very romantic and then you just fucked it up.

It was?

I'm so sweaty all of a sudden.

You're incredible.

You're going to drive some guy crazy someday.

Okay.

It's alright.

Here we go.

Look,

I can do this all the way to Brooklyn.

Fuck you!

Easy, easy.

Hey!

See if you can get out of that cab, Cindy Bristow style.

Thank God you stopped, okay?

Please, please.

You're disgusting!

I'm okay.

Maybe you're right.

Look at you fucker dick!

That got me!

What are we doing in the middle of the street?

Because I hope we fucking die!

Please, come on!

Just get off the street.

Look, look, look.

Hey, hey, hey.

I appreciate your anger.

I really do.

Okay?

And Lord knows I could use the exercise.

But I do believe there are exactly three points we should discuss.

First off, in our initial conversations about exclusivity, I

distinctly recall you saying something about staying casual.

Yeah?

I only said that because...

Most likely because you thought that's what I wanted to hear, yes?

Yes.

Okay, well, me taking you at your word doesn't make me an asshole.

It does, however, make you a liar.

Ugh, you're such a piece of shit!

Hey, second point, okay?

If you really, actually wanted monogamy, why

have casual sex with me for three months?

You know, I mean, if you want to grow flowers, you don't plant them in a closet.

So, either you're stupid, or, deep down inside, you don't want monogamy either.

You fucked my best friend!

Which brings me to my third and final point.

Your chief complaint is not that I screwed someone, it is who I screwed.

That's what it's about, right?

So, much like your, uh, counterintuitive plan to secure an exclusive relationship

with a guy that you don't actually want to date, moi,

your issue with me and Sarah Do not say her name.

Your issue with us is purely driven by societal insecurity.

Not to mention a culturally infused female competition.

My heart goes out to you ladies.

Baby, you're a bad liar.

You're not stupid.

And she can't hold a candle to you.

Can we please go home?

Please?

You know, get out of these wet clothes, dry each other off using friction.

Yeah?

Go ahead.

Got a girlfriend, Charles?

No.

Play in the field?

Well, be careful.

You know?

Why?

I don't know if I have time to answer that.

Wow.

The bathroom fucking stinks.

What are we talking about?

That's why I said you're Jack.

I said Jack.

Melania and I are looking to buy.

Maybe have a kid.

I hope it was okay that I said that, by the way.

I mean, you haven't changed your mind or anything, have you?

Because I know you don't want to get married.

But, you know, I do think it's important we

make some sort of commitment to each other.

And I think buying a place, maybe Kensington, maybe Prospect Heights.

What's up, little nugget?

What are you doing with the notebook?

Sam, I have to read you something.

You've been writing again?

Sweet.

No.

That's great.

I was never writing.

Yes.

That was one short story.

That is great.

No, listen.

Listen, I want to tell you something.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Okay?

I know you love teaching, but that's not a real thing.

I mean, this is great.

This is good.

Can you please just not interrupt me while I read this?

Please, just listen to it.

Just let me get through all of it.

I don't think I interrupt you, but, come on.

Don't.

I don't.

Please don't interrupt me.

I would love to hear it.

Okay, I'm gonna start.

Wow me.

Sam.

Melania.

My therapist suggested that I attend a 12 step program for recovery from a love

addiction and romantic obsession I've been having.

Did we say love addiction?

And romantic obsession.

Sweetie.

You might as well face it.

You're addicted to love.

Obsession.

No.

It's Robert Palmer.

That I've had for the last 10 years.

As a result, I've been able to stay faithful to you for the past six months.

Okay, let me just stop you because I feel

like... Sam, I'm trying to tell you something.

Sam.

I would love to hear what you're telling me.

Can you listen to what I'm saying to you?

I'm trying to...

Yeah, I'm listening.

We want to move forward in our relationship in an honest way.

I know.

Being honest.

Honest, critical appraisal is the foundation.

Sam, I cheated on you.

Cheated on me?

Baby.

How many times?

How many times?

Sixteen?

I don't even know 16 guys.

Sixteen guys?

No, the same guy.

Sixteen times.

But who?

It doesn't matter.

Tell me who... It doesn't matter.

My brother?

No.

Was it my brother?

No.

Was it my brother?

Stop.

You know I'm not attracted to your brother.

Who's so fucking hot?

Who is better than my brother?

I'm not gonna tell you.

I deserve to know.

No, I'm sorry.

I deserve to know.

I've been getting his second fucking servings.

I've been tasting his sweat.

Whose juices have I tasted?

If I've been drinking his juices, I want to know who it is.

I'm gonna involve him in this and make things worse for everyone.

I think you involved my brother when you fucked him 16 times.

Who can tell with that fucking swarthy man?

What?

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Please.

Why did you have to do this in public?

Were you trying to humiliate me?

Look it.

Look it.

He's looking.

I'm embarrassed.

One.

I'm humiliating him.

I thought that you would freak out.

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, you thought right.

Get ready for a classic Sam freak out.

Wait.

I'm sorry.

Please.

Please.

I'm sorry.

I want to make this work.

I'm trying to get better.

You can't get better.

Lainey.

You're not an addict.

Okay?

You're just a whore.

You're a whore.

You're a fucking whore.

Of all the gin joints.

No way.

Jake.

Yes.

Oh my god.

Were you just in that meeting?

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Sure was.

Uh huh.

Yeah.

Had to get out of there though.

It was making me super horny.

Wow.

It's been...

What?

Twelve years?

I think it might actually be longer.

Yeah.

You look good.

So do you.

Thank you.

Wow.

The old virgin.

Don't you mean the one that got away?

Stop.

The last thing I remember we had that awesome night

together and then you just sort of... You disappeared.

Oh.

Plus you were all hung up on that guy that lived next door to me.

The boring guy.

The uh... Marcus or uh... Matthew.

That's right.

I hear he's a lady doctor now.

Huh?

Yeah.

You ever see him around?

I assume like doctor things.

Aren't you a doctor now?

Oh I didn't do that.

I didn't end up going to med school.

Oh.

I teach.

Cool.

No yeah.

Kids.

Great.

Kindergarten.

Alright.

You?

What are you?

What are you?

Uh buddy and I created this CDN and we're selling it

to a digital media provider on your board already?

No.

You just asked me.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I have to... Respond to that booty text I assume right?

Aw come on.

Laney.

I was watching you in there.

I saw you.

Checking your phone every five minutes.

All that tension in your shoulders.

Legs crossed.

Playing with your hair.

Why are you here?

Hmm.

Pick up women?

No.

No.

Heavens no.

No.

Not women.

No.

Just you evidently.

Ha ha ha.

I'll see you around.

Hopefully not here.

Yeah.

Hey I'm on Facebook.

What?

That's a weird thing to say out loud.

You know I have one last question.

Oh come on.

Come on.

Um.

When I sign this what happens to everything that Xander and I worked on?

Like all the content we create?

We dissolve all past and current product and you'll work exclusively for us.

Alright.

Time to settle down.

That's true.

But what if we have... No.

I will straight up murder you if you do not sign this immediately.

Xander I'm looking out for us.

You're looking out for us?

No.

I'm looking out for us.

You're being a dick.

Here's the thing guys.

I don't negotiate but my lawyers do.

So if you want to reopen the terms of the contract that's fine.

I'm just gonna go grab some lunch.

Alright.

Alright.

Alright.

Alright.

Okay.

You don't have to go.

To lunch.

Yet.

Okay.

Congrats boys.

You've officially sold out.

Yes!

Oh my god!

I really thought you were gonna fuck this up.

Me too.

I really did.

He fucks everything in life up.

I have two beautiful children.

Both are gonna have ridiculously terrible teeth.

So you're getting braces.

You're getting braces.

You're getting braces.

Hey.

You want a lunch?

Can I come with?

Dinner maybe?

How about brunch with my folks?

You'll love them.

You're smart, handsome, and now have sex?

Stop investing until 2018.

You can go get any woman you want.

Really?

Well I still choose you.

Why?

Does that happen to be in your eye line?

Possibly because you're uninterested.

Most likely because you're stunning and successful.

I'm divorced.

His loss?

I have a kid.

I love kids.

Kids love me.

I basically am a kid.

And I don't sleep with my employees.

I quit!

Goodbye Jacob.

Congrats.

Thanks.

Paula's something else, huh?

Yeah, she really is.

She was vibing me pretty hard in that meeting.

Well you're a married man.

Yeah, no I made sure to tell her.

Because I was like, I didn't want to embarrass myself.

Yeah, that's good.

Let her down easy.

Good afternoon, Dr. Sobacek's office.

I'm sorry, the doctor is having a really bad night.

May I take a message?

Elaine?

Elaine Dalton?

Yes.

Sorry, it's Lainey.

Only my father calls me Elaine.

Dr. Sobacek, we'll see you now.

Thank you.

You didn't have to make an appointment.

This used to be our move.

Me pretending to be a patient.

You look great.

It's been a while.

I get worried when you disappear.

Me too.

It's really good to see you.

What do you want to talk about?

I can't see you anymore.

I agree.

Yeah.

I think...

we need to be over.

I asked Emma to marry me.

And she kept bringing it up.

I thought it was the right thing to do.

You and Emma got back together.

Yes.

Did I not tell you that?

How's Sam?

He's...

fine.

Good.

Glad we ended up face to face.

You were right to come.

Oh.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you...

erase your number from my phone?

I won't be able to do it.

Is this what you want, Elaine?

Yes.

I want it all the time.

That's all I think about.

I'm sorry.

The doctor is unavailable right now.

He's getting married.

Who would marry him?

Like, can she consent?

Is she in a coma?

I mean, who is this person?

Where do you find her?

Some sort of, like, website for people who want to have a horrible, painful life?

I think I need to stop having sex altogether for a while.

No.

Right?

The problem isn't sex.

The problem is Captain Amazing has monopolized your

badge for like a decade and now you're a pot person.

Maybe if I'm not having any sex.

And become a sexual anorexic?

No.

What?

Is that a real thing?

Yeah, of course it's a real thing.

It's sexual anorexia.

It's like depriving yourself of sex because of

low self-esteem or abuse or other gnarly shit.

That's great.

That's another dysfunction I have to worry about developing.

There's like enough with this shit.

It's over, Jack.

It's like enough.

I mean, it's like you can do so much better.

I don't care if it's a woman, if it's somebody else, just anything but the schmuck.

I feel like people are looking at us.

The guy I lost my virginity to was at my sex addicts meeting.

What do you think that means?

It's a sign.

You should fuck that guy.

A lot.

I don't think everyone should just be running around fucking willy-nilly, okay?

In your specific case, I do think you should fuck that sex addict.

You have lipstick on your teeth.

Thank you.

This is my wife.

This is Lainey.

Lainey with an L.

Bring it in here.

Never make it in.

This is Lainey.

Naomi.

This is my wife.

Shots.

I'm getting everybody's shots.

Top shelf, bro, because we're rich as shit now.

Okay, stop screaming.

Rich as shit.

Someone's gonna murder us if you keep screaming.

I don't care.

We're in a cool bar.

I just bought a Tesla.

That's not true.

We are borrowing a Tesla to see if we like it.

Listen, are you guys, um... Are you guys sleeping with each other?

No.

Oh, good.

Oh my god, good.

What are you guys talking about?

I'm telling her not to have sex with you.

Sorry.

Yeah, well, you're too late because we lost our virginity to each other.

Are you serious?

You didn't know?

Yeah, I just told him earlier.

We all knew.

You didn't know.

That's a beautiful story.

So romantic.

Here we go.

Bring it in.

To virginity.

To virginity.

Get lost.

There we go.

That's good.

Naomi still has her anal virginity.

That's not true.

A lot of guys have been up there, just not you.

Oh.

Oh, wait, wait.

Girl, girl, girl.

Laney.

Laney.

Laney.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Quick question before you walk out the door.

Are you the reason that my friend Jake here is, like, the biggest slut in the world?

What are you doing?

I'm saying, like, he puts his dick in, like, every sticky hole he finds.

That's not true.

It's gross.

But, like, I'm Gels.

No, I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

I know it's not you.

I know it's not you.

I know it's because the dad molested him.

What?

Now everybody knows.

He was a Boy Scout leader.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

I just set that up for you.

Don't let her get away, man.

Dude, you gotta chase after her.

She's your lobster, man.

She seems...

awesome.

Amazing.

Lainey!

Lainey, what are you doing?

Where are you going?

Sorry, sorry.

I've just... I've got to thank you for tonight.

It was great.

Just go in and have fun with your friends.

I just Facebooked you because I thought I should start dating again.

I'm trying to get over this thing.

Was this supposed to be a date?

Oh, shit, it was.

Oh, hell.

I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry.

I'm a dick.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

Hey, how about we go on the date?

This is a date now.

We'll go out.

No notes.

I'm just going on a date.

No, this is good.

I'll go inside.

I'm gonna get my jacket.

Then I'll come out.

We'll, uh...

date it up.

Matthew Sobacek?

That guy had all the charm of a broken Etch-A-Sketch.

It feels so freeing to tell someone about it who actually knows him.

Okay, you're gonna have to explain this to me.

I mean, what, is he packing?

Huh?

Is that what's going on?

No?

Is it tipping hundreds?

Read your Polar Express before bedtime?

No.

It's pretty average, actually.

God damn it.

Even his junk is boring.

God damn boring dick.

That's so weird.

I mean, you're a catch, too.

You know?

I'm serious.

You got a strong vocabulary.

You look dynamite in a tank top.

It's just, what gives?

I can't...

I guess I just thought eventually he'd choose me.

Uh-huh.

And so I always chose him.

If he texted, I'd think of an excuse.

I'd lie.

I'd get there.

That's psychotic.

Thanks.

I mean, it's not your fault.

You know?

Little girls are told that someday they're gonna find the one.

What they don't tell you guys is that the one might be a complete fucking dickhead

with a boring heroin penis that turns y 'all into a sex addict.

That's what they leave out of... I'm not a sex addict.

I went to a few meetings because my therapist suggested that I go,

that it might help, but it didn't, so I stopped.

Okay.

What's your excuse?

Me?

Yeah.

My girlfriend said if I didn't go, she'd break up with me.

So I went to a meeting.

She broke up with me anyway.

I'm cured.

Well, why'd she want you to go?

I don't know.

She, some, have suggested that I have a little bit of a problem staying faithful

for long periods of time, or possibly at all, I guess.

And it all comes out.

Look, once I come to the realization that I'm

with the wrong girl, I don't know how to end it.

So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people.

Exactly.

Obviously, they get upset, but then comes the big

old rigmarole of like, you're afraid to commit.

And it's like, no.

I just don't want to commit to you.

But I can't say that.

That's like mean on top of mean.

It's not you, it's me.

I don't like you.

You know, like that.

Yeah, that's harsh.

That's harsh, right?

You can't say that.

So instead, I'd rather just say something like, I fucked your sister.

Much better.

But it's honest.

I don't have to fuck the sister in order for it to work.

It's like I'd rather... Be the bad guy than tell the truth.

See?

You get it.

Well, yeah, but I'm psychotic.

But like an approachable psychotic.

That's the thing I don't think I mentioned earlier.

You like it?

Yeah, it's like Ted Bundy, you know?

You can't get him into a van by just being a jerk.

You gotta have a certain way about you.

If it takes.

That would be something.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm hungry again.

Already?

Well, you know, that's dim sum anyway.

I have snacks at home.

This is actually, this is my train.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm probably gonna hit the road.

Jake, thank you.

Yeah.

We did it.

That was a good date.

We did the date.

I think it was the first date I've ever been on.

So I don't really have much to compare it to.

But it seems solid.

Good.

Okay.

Shit.

Shit.

What?

I, uh, I want to fuck you.

What?

No.

What do you mean, no?

What?

What did I do?

I mean, are you kidding me?

It's kind of hard.

I mean, look at you.

I mean, you're so pretty and you're vulnerable.

And it's just like, you might as well be wearing a sign

that says, solve my problems with your penis, Jake.

Jake, we just spent the entire evening talking about how

we screw up every sexual relationship we've ever had.

I know, right?

I mean, and yet, here I am.

Like, wanting this now.

So maybe, we gotta just be friends.

Yes.

That is the mature, responsible thing to do.

Uh, for each other and ourselves.

Yes, I agree.

Okay, but then we gotta come up with a system.

If we're gonna be friends, you know, and I want to

be good friends, but we gotta have a system here.

So maybe, we come up with a safe word for if we're having sexual tension and then

we'll stop whatever is creating So if you're

doing something sexy or I'm doing something sexy.

Okay, but it's mutual.

So it is mutual.

The word.

You're saying it's mutual.

It could be mutual.

That's a yes.

I may or may not need to use the word.

We'll have to see in the future.

Okay, well alright.

What happens?

We'll say, yeah, anything.

I'll do anything.

You pick it and yes.

It's avocado.

No.

Can't do that.

No.

It's just immediate veto.

Well, I mean, it's too sexual.

It's too sexual.

Avocado is too sexual.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, you gotta see the way I eat an avocado.

You'd be like, that's, you know, do that to me.

That's a Guam.

Guam?

Like the country Guam?

No.

No, I knew a girl whose father was from Guam and she literally

had one of the best natural bodies in her entire life.

Noodle salad.

Noodle salad?

That's a sex thing.

What?

That's a bunch of guys putting flaccid dicks into someone's mouth.

That's called a noodle salad.

That is not a thing.

I mean, it absolutely is a thing.

I know it's a thing.

Go to noodlesalad.org.

Now I feel like you're just trying to find problems.

That's a real story.

I would make the argument that you're just suggesting

only things that can only be perceived as sexual.

Okay, it needs to be more violent.

Something else.

Dick in a mousetrap.

Yikes!

What is that?

Oh!

That's awful.

You don't like it.

No.

That's the one.

What?

We'll shorten it to mousetrap.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Mousetrap.

Alright.

Goodbye.

I'm going.

I'm going for it.

Yeah.

Live on the edge.

Goodnight.

Careful.

Bye!

Bye!

Bye!

You're happy and you know it.

Clap your hands.

Yay!

Good singing.

Good.

Alright.

Free play.

Everybody play.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

No, no, no, no.

Alexander had the ball first.

Why didn't you take it from him?

You gotta use your words.

You don't do that.

One of my students reminds me of you.

He's devastatingly handsome.

He reminds me of us.

He has no one to play with and gets angry, so nobody

wants to play with him because he's angry all the time.

No dates, huh?

Haven't met anyone.

I've been busy.

Studying for the MCATs, you know.

You?

Nothing.

Nada.

Have you texted Voldemort?

Trying to distract myself.

Sometimes I dress up in lingerie just to feel something.

Oof.

Mousetrap.

You should text me what you want to text him.

I miss your cock in my mouth.

I miss the way you feel on top of me.

I miss making you come.

Oh!

Since when are you a porn star with killer grammar?

That's how I text with him.

Okay, well you're sending porn star vibes instead of laney vibes.

You're one to talk.

You're a completely different guy with me than with other ladies.

That's not true.

If you want someone to fall for you, you gotta be you.

Yeah, I don't think I like me enough to introduce him to other people.

Night.

That was fun.

Night.

Night.

Treat me like a fool Treat me mean and cruel But love me.

...

Break my faithful heart tear it apart I would back and stand

Just to feel I would back and stand just to feel Just to feel Just to feel Just

to feel Treating close to mind He

looked so make me It's normal.

Like he hadn't even noticed that we stopped sleeping together.

Oh, no, no.

He noticed.

He's just not thinking about it the same way.

Right.

Right.

Great.

I'm a guilty slut and he gets to be a...

you know, heartless alpha male who fucking jogs.

No, that's not it at all.

No, to Sobacek, you're like...

you're like the hardest drug at the coolest party, you know?

Like in a second he has to make a decision.

Do I go home now?

Or cancel everything tomorrow?

You know, no premeditation means no postmeditation.

It's not like months from now he's thinking, oh, gosh, I wonder how crack is doing.

Or I hope cocaine isn't mad at me.

You know, no dude thinks like that.

Except Aaron Sorkin.

Are you saying I'm crack cocaine?

Yeah.

Don't sell yourself short.

We wouldn't have the West Wing without you.

What is wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you.

Are you kidding me?

You're great.

I mean, you're funny.

You're sexy.

You're cool.

Like...

What?

You run out of compliments?

Yeah.

No, do you remember that girl, Renee?

I had a spectacular time with you last night.

I'm at lunch.

Just try calling you.

Have you ever thought about taking a road trip?

At least respond so I know you're alive and okay.

GIF of a panda dancing.

Seriously, are you okay?

I was on the subway.

Did you text me?

Fuck me, then ignore me.

Nice one, Jake.

Photo of a dog dressed as a Nazi.

I have chlamydia.

Okay, I was joking.

I do have HPV, though, and I hope it's the one that gives you dick cancer.

Emoji of a heart.

XXX, Renee.

Well, that's sort of normal.

You actively stalked someone today.

Your perception of normal might be a little skewed, my dear.

Okay, you slept with her.

Mm-hmm.

You rocked her face.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, with my body.

You didn't call her.

I lost my phone in a cab.

And you unleashed her Khaleesi.

Wait, you mean like Game of Thrones Khaleesi?

Yes.

Either A, we make multiple babies with you, or B, we cut your dick off.

Jesus.

I got my fingers crossed out here for an option C.

C, you appease her.

And how do you appease your Khaleesi?

I spend about a month's rent on this.

What do you think?

Yeah.

I mean, you should definitely wear stuff over it.

Nice, Neg.

Mousetrap.

Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh Hey, you've reached Lainey.

It's a message.

Hey, dude, it's me.

Haven't heard from you in a while, so I'm gonna guess you

either finally fucked Jake or you got into med school.

Either way, mazel tov.

Happy Hanukkah.

Whatever the fuck you're into.

Okay, call me back.

Just pick a TV and we'll get out of here.

So tell me what happened.

Oh, right.

Okay, yeah.

So I've been seeing this gal, Thea.

She's black.

And... Wait, stop.

Does this story end with you doing something super racist?

Oh my God, no.

Why are you telling me she's black?

I don't know.

I'm just trying to give you a mental picture.

That's all.

Okay, racist.

Keep going.

Okay, well, we go see a movie during the day.

And she's super smart and cool and also gorgeous, but I do what we talked about.

I do not sleep with her.

You're so strong.

I'm so proud.

Hey, not all of us can remain celibate for a year, all right?

I was waiting for the right guy.

The white guy?

Who's racist now?

The right guy?

Oh, the right guy.

Oh, the one you waited for ten years?

That right guy?

You know, he's married now?

That one?

What are we doing in this aisle?

Can I finish my story, please?

I wait four days and I call her and we go out again.

Mm-hmm.

All right?

No sex.

I mean, we hook up, but I don't, like, finger her or anything.

Awesome.

So, I call her last night, and I'm like, hey, do

you want to go see the new Wes Anderson movie?

Ugh.

What?

Well, and then she's like... Jake, what are you doing?

And I'm like, oh, of course.

Wes Anderson's such a stupid white guy thing to suggest, you know?

Okay, racist and also done, yes.

Mm-hmm.

You two need any help?

Uh, no, no, we're good.

She just takes a while to make a decision.

Okay.

Yeah, you get it.

Yeah.

So, I'm like, well, do you want to go see something else?

And then she says... Why haven't we had sex yet?

Do you just want to be friends?

Because, honestly, I have enough friends.

Where are you right now?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

That was awesome.

Oh, my God.

Oh, golly.

Oh, sorry if I was too noisy.

I was like...

Oh, got in.

Hey.

Did you, uh...

No.

Oh.

But don't take it personally.

I don't know orgasm during sex that much.

So?

Lots of women don't come during sex.

So?

No, no, no.

That has never happened to me before.

What positions did you do?

Mm, no.

We did everything.

Why?

What's your favorite position?

I don't know.

The regular one.

The regular one?

Come on.

From behind.

Exactly.

Because you hate your dad.

Oh, my God.

Mousetrap.

All set?

Mm-hmm.

All set.

And can I just say, we think you two are the coolest married couple ever.

Mm-hmm.

That's... We don't get that enough.

It's so sweet.

Thank you.

It's really sweet.

Happy holidays.

Let's go, hon.

Happy holidays.

Yes.

We'll just... I will just meet you out by our minivan.

I'll meet you out front.

Okay, great.

We have to move the car seat.

Mm-hmm.

And then there will be... The whole thing.

Plenty of room.

Car seat?

You already have a kid?

You know, it's just like... I mean, when do you orgasm?

When does it happen to you?

When I'm with Matthew.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

And that's it.

That's it?

Okay, well, that just explained everything.

That, that's, I mean, you haven't had an orgasm in a year?

I think it's a little bit weird that a straight dude had to tell you that.

I think it's sort of great.

I mean, he's, he's actually dating.

He's not cheating, and I hardly think about Matthew, like, ever.

Yeah, because you're in a relationship with each other.

No, we're not.

Hell, you're not out there.

I mean, this Jay guy is hitting up the most people in the world.

It's emotional real estate that could be occupied by a real option, okay?

You lease this space out to Matthew, rent free I might add, and now you just

replace him with another unavailable avoidant breeder.

You don't fuck.

You got a minute?

Not really.

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

I was thinking.

Oh yeah?

Do you want to come to Henry's birthday party this weekend?

Really?

Yep.

Xander, in the eight years I've known you as a father, you have never once invited

me to any function involving your children.

Hear me out.

I was thinking maybe you and Lainey could come by.

I knew it.

No.

See, Lainey and I are not dating.

I know that.

Do you understand that?

I'm not saying you have to date her.

I'm not saying you have to come as a couple.

I'm just saying arrive at the party together.

Come as friends or whatever this fucked up thing you guys are doing is.

We're best friends.

No, we're best friends.

That's not true.

What?

Look, she's my best friend and I would say by circumstance and certainly duration,

you would be my next best friend.

Okay.

You know what?

I'll even allow that.

You're my last single friend.

I can't have you... So what?

...add these things mingling single.

Hey, talk about... Yes?

We've been meeting with group sales in 20.

Are you two prepared?

Huh?

Not at all.

Should I reschedule the meeting when you are ready?

Five or six months from now?

I would make it a cool seven.

Yeah.

Seven, at least.

Shoot, I'm not available then.

Oh, well, I tried.

See you in 20?

You got it, boss.

Oh, you...

Mousetrap.

What the fuck is that?

That was repartee.

This is exactly why I can't have you at the party.

Because you have repartee with everybody.

You love repartee.

All you want to do is flit around the party,

flirt with the moms, and then they all get mad.

And then they turn on each other.

Then they yell at Naomi.

Then Naomi yells at me.

Then they won't let their kids play with my kids.

Then I have to play with my kids because my kids have no friends.

I'm raising friendless children because of you.

Do you understand?

I... It is a cascading shitstorm that is your creation.

There's a tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic junk... Well, you spent...

10,000 hours fucking my life up.

So bring Lainey to the party.

Okay, fine.

I will, uh... You know, on behalf of your children and Naomi, I will, uh...

I'll talk to Lainey and see what we can do.

Listen, I'm not saying you and Lainey need to date.

I'm just saying for the first time, I'm a little

bit optimistic you might not become that creepy guy.

But he's got a point.

I'm gonna be the creepy old dude.

Like, that sucks.

And then what happens when my dick doesn't get as hard as yours?

Okay?

Because that's gonna happen.

It's gonna happen.

It's inevitable.

And young chicks don't put up with that shit.

They have no time for that.

And older women are gonna be no way near into my nonsense, okay?

Just not into it at all.

It's like, at that point, what do I do?

I just buy the fedora, move to Miami, right?

Make a golf cart my only mode of transportation?

I can't believe it.

You're spinning.

You're spinning and honestly...

I'm gonna have to get lucky and happy about, you

know, bachelor parties for people's third marriages.

Like, that's...

What is that?

That's crazy.

It's him.

Him who?

He never calls.

He always texts.

Oh, hey.

No.

Don't answer that.

Jake.

Don't answer it.

Jake.

No.

No.

Absolutely.

Baby, what are you doing?

Hey!

You don't do this anymore, okay?

Remember?

We're okay.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

You gotta breathe, baby.

Please.

Please.

Is there a problem?

Yeah.

My wife, she's prone to panic attacks.

It's this guy she's sleeping with.

It's all right.

Okay.

Dude, get the fuck out of here!

I got it!

Will you?

Okay?

Okay?

Here.

Come on.

Sit down.

You're gonna be okay.

It's all right.

You gotta breathe.

Please.

Okay?

Okay?

Yeah.

There you go.

Lainey, this is just fear.

Right?

A really, really large dose of fear.

That's all that's going on.

A little adrenaline.

In the bad way.

Does that make sense?

Also...

Mousetrap.

A complete mess.

Total mousetrap right now.

Oh my god.

Stop.

You're so fucked up.

I'm fucked up?

What are you talking about?

You... You and Kathy Bates in misery in the middle of Central Park.

You know?

Come on.

Maybe we're both fucked up.

At least give me that.

Come on.

You wanna get out of here?

Yeah.

Central Park sucks.

I mean, it's just a goddamn bird toilet anyway.

Anyway, that's...

Just one more.

Just one more.

Just one more.

Just one more.

Just one more.

Just one more.

This is the greatest movie ever made.

Yeah, of course you love it.

I mean, look at it.

God, I love you.

That's you, baby.

I love you!

I'm gonna murder you while I love you!

It's the second time you've said that.

Said what?

You called me baby just now, and you said it the other day, too.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, I mean, it was a total accident.

I don't know why I would... Huh.

Yeah.

Do you want to talk about it?

Talk about what?

We're not a couple, but we act like one.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um...

I mean, I guess I've been putting this conversation off for a while.

We don't have to.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's good.

It's good.

We should.

Um...

Okay, well...

You take this risk when you start sleeping with people.

You know, you, uh...

You risk losing them, right?

For me, you know, I've never slept with someone I wasn't willing to lose.

Except one time.

And, um...

And it kills me that you're probably gonna go to Michigan.

And it kills me that I can't ask you to stay

because I have no right to, you know, and...

So I just want to...

Spend as much time with my best friend as I possibly can...

Before I lose her again.

I'm sorry.

I'm being selfish.

I know it's like... No.

You're telling the truth.

Yeah.

So what now?

Will you...

Take Molly with me and go to a kid's birthday party?

I literally thought you'd never ask.

You thought I'd never get to this?

I thought you would never get to this.

You... Where have you been all my life?

I've...

Right over your shoulder.

Waiting... For the right moment.

For the right moment.

Is that a yes or a no?

Happy birthday!

Look who it is.

Look at this.

What a human we are, isn't it?

Hello.

Happy birthday.

Hi.

Happy birthday.

It's your birthday.

It's your birthday.

Actually, it's, uh... It's Henry.

He's seven.

She's not seven.

Oh.

Oh my god.

I'm so happy you guys are here.

Oh my god.

Hi, you guys.

Hi.

We're actually rolling.

Ecstasy?

Yeah.

You know, that's how actually Henry was conceived.

No kidding.

Yeah.

Well, that explains a lot.

It's a full circle.

Yeah.

Don't have a baby, guys.

No offense, but seriously, just...

Yeah.

Be safe.

You know what I mean?

But I'm so happy you guys are here.

Okay.

It's so good to see you.

Oh.

Transformer guy didn't show up, so... Are you kidding?

No, no, no.

Oh my god.

Just kidding.

No.

Okay.

No.

And so there's a little bit of a meltdown, so it's

a little bit of a crisis, so I'm glad you're here.

Oh, is this for Henry?

Yeah.

Oh, great.

He loves New York ladies flip flops.

Oh, no, no.

Those are mine.

Those are for me.

Those are for me.

Great.

Okay.

That'll be nice.

Are those hot pads also for me?

Yes.

Okay.

But can I just hold them now?

Sure.

Okay.

Come in.

Okay.

Hopefully she goes down for the nap.

Okay.

Oh my god.

Oh, man.

It's Carlton.

Oh, wow.

This is way hard.

That kid has a hose.

Huh?

Oh.

That kid has a hose.

You guys made it, huh?

Welcome to the hellscape.

It is my son's birthday party.

It's birth control.

Okay.

Why don't I say hello?

You're

Ms. Dalton, so you say hi.

Hi, Ms. Dalton.

Oh, yeah.

Great.

Okay.

Who wants to learn a dance?

Me.

Yeah.

Okay.

Everybody go out to the ground.

Naomi put on track seven on my workout fix.

Wait.

Hey, Lainey.

You don't have to do this.

It's not your responsibility.

Okay.

Relax.

We do this for a living.

Also, two minutes ago, I accepted my body for the first time.

Atta girl.

Okay.

She dances for a living?

No.

It deals with kids.

She told me to relax and the word lasted for like four seconds.

Okay, okay, great.

All right, are you guys ready to learn a dance?

Yeah!

Yes!

Okay, this is good because everybody likes a person that can dance.

And this dance, you can do anywhere.

All you need is your... Body!

Yes!

And, and just a little... Feet!

Yes!

Okay, you guys ready to learn the moves?

You ready to learn the moves?

Yes!

Okay, let's do this!

My way to stay in.

Ugh, I miss drugs.

Why don't we do drugs?

Because we have to control these lives that we gave birth to.

First of all, I gave birth to.

We gave birth to?

I have not felt that free, maybe, my whole life.

What?

I don't want that.

Here we go.

What are you doing?

Okay, okay, he's gonna put his dog to it.

Hey, all right, hey, now we're gonna, now it's time to freestyle.

Who knows how to freestyle?

Me!

All right, all right, grab your folks.

Who's the choreographer?

Oh, that's Jake's friend, Laney.

Jake's friend, Laney, who he really wants to fuck.

Yeah.

He really wants to get deep, deep up in there.

Like, bad.

Like, gross.

Mm-hmm.

So, is he single?

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

This was an awful idea.

Oh, wow, that's weird.

I can hear my mom's voice when I'm underwater.

Oh, this is good stuff.

Excuse me.

I'm Chris.

This is Paul.

Laney.

Jake.

Ah, hi, you two.

Are you guys married?

This is my son.

Hi.

I'm going to do this with you.

Didn't you, buddy?

Dude, are you really using your kid to hit on my friend?

Shut up.

Ignore him.

He's on drugs.

Ah.

Aw, nice to meet you.

We're heading out, but here's my info in case you feel like you might need it.

Come on, buddy.

You can drive.

Oh, boy.

In case you might need it?

Why would you need his info?

You're jealous.

I'm going to assume it's because you're coming down with a powerful drug.

First part false, second part true.

Chris Smith.

Hold on, what?

His name's Chris Smith?

Is that it?

It is?

As in Chris Smith tree?

As in Chris Smith girl?

No.

Holy smokes.

I always thought you'd be heavier with a beard.

He's a little old.

I love it.

It's great.

OK.

I'm going to try again, all right?

Just see if any of the water goes down.

I'm going to see how much I can drink.

Here we go.

I love those rush hour movies.

Oh, my God.

Anything that that African-American guy says.

Anything at all.

And I'm laughing.

You know?

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

That was dumb.

No, crisp.

It's fine.

They're great.

They're such good movies.

I was married for eight years.

I just haven't done this in a while.

Me neither.

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ugh.

Be rude to him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

That was ridiculous.

The dirty DJ was our thing.

Okay?

Jay.

That was our thing.

Okay, let me be super clear here.

Mm-hmm.

Please.

We don't have things that are sexual.

We don't sleep with each other.

So we don't have things.

Okay, but you know what I mean.

All right?

Alright?

I taught you that as a gift to you.

That was not a Chris Smith gift, okay?

So I don't get mad when you bring other chicks to our restaurant?

Our restaurant?

Oh, thank you, yeah.

Our restaurant.

I didn't know we put a down payment on this place.

Come on.

You know, I love that you get ownership over a randomly selected dumpling spot,

but me?

I can't share with you the slightest disappointment

over you co-opting an original idea of mine.

Okay, first of all, you're not the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas.

No, I don't know who that is.

And secondly, do not gaslight me with SAT words and sliding scale morality.

I'm not one of your dates.

That is very true.

No, you are not one of my dates.

And I'm glad.

No, the lady doesn't need it.

She doesn't deserve it.

We appreciate that.

I would like that, please.

I actually would like the water, please.

Sir, I can't stress enough.

If we give her water, I don't know what happens.

Give me the water.

You need to give me this water.

See, she's addicted.

She's addicted.

This is an addict.

I've seen it a hundred times with her.

You gotta trust me.

You have lost your mind.

Well, you have lost your water.

God.

So?

I guess we're tied.

I want to be able to talk to you about this kind of thing.

I sense that.

That's obvious.

I just don't know why.

You talk to me about Chicks Who Screw all the time.

That's different.

Why?

Because I'm going inside them.

You're talking about someone inside you.

Stop.

Grody.

This is the beater contract that has to go to legal for comments.

Knock, knock.

Hey, you got a minute?

I mean...

A real minute?

New York minute?

I don't know.

Yeah, a real minute.

Sixty seconds.

Sure.

Okay.

Um...

What was the other thing?

Oh, yeah, buzz me for the three o'clock.

And that's it.

Okay.

Yeah, don't fuck that up.

You don't let them have it.

Hey, will you sign this for me, please?

Well, I have to know what it is first.

It's a nullification of my contract.

It says I resign and forfeit any vesting stock options to Xander.

And why would you do that?

Oh.

Right.

No.

Because I want to go on a date with you.

Silly.

Uh, you can just sign the back here.

Three places.

You can use my pen if you'd like.

And as you can see, I've executed my half, so...

You stand to make over five million dollars in the next two years.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

That's great.

Uh, but I mean, I never really factor in money in my decision-making, so...

It doesn't change what I'm doing.

I appreciate the hardball, but obviously I can't take a request like this seriously.

But the seriousness of my request is reflected in the hardball.

So I don't...

I mean... I don't know what we do here.

Okay, I'll go on one date with you if you answer a question truthfully.

Like the Sphinx.

I love it.

Yeah.

I answer all questions truthfully, but...

Fire away.

What on earth makes you think that I'm worth five million dollars?

What makes you think you're not?

Get out of here.

Get back to work.

I'm on break.

Take this.

I'm on break.

And get out of my office.

Okay.

Alright, to be continued.

TTFN.

Um...

You know, I mean... Ta-ta for now.

My ex has my son this weekend.

And I know a place with cheap tequila.

Well, we should go there.

That sounds great.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

Yeah, I mean, not once we get there.

Tequila makes me so chatty.

In a good way, I think.

You mean out here?

Just, yes.

Mouth shut, please.

I'm not gonna say a peep.

Get out of here.

Back to work, you.

Yes!

Here you are.

Hey, thanks for coming, Lainey.

Partners always have to do these bullshit events.

I hope your heels are comfortable because you're gonna

be standing and talking to boring people all night.

Hey, Chris.

I'm having a great time.

Thank you for inviting me.

And these shoes are still comfortable.

Lain.

Hi, Matthew.

Good to see you.

This is Chris.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Matthew.

Matthew and I were at Columbia around the same time.

Oh.

Your name's Lain?

Lainey is the nickname.

Didn't know that.

Oh, Lain.

You've never met my wife, have you?

I haven't.

Let me introduce you.

Emma.

Come here.

This is Lain.

So nice to meet you, Emma.

Oh.

This is Chris.

Hi.

Hi.

When are you due?

October.

Congratulations.

Your first?

Yes.

It's a boy.

We're so excited.

Matthew will be delivering him.

Oh.

OBGYN?

Yes.

You?

A partner over at Garrison and Shinkle.

Man of the law.

Yeah.

I worked with you guys when I was a mediator on Thorpe v.

Bronwyn.

Sure.

Elaine, what is it that you do?

I teach kindergarten.

That's right.

I think I knew that.

Would you excuse me?

I'm just going to run to the ladies' room.

Okay.

Can I cut to the chase?

I love that.

I love cutting to chases.

Do it.

Okay.

So you're a womanizer.

Hey.

How did you know that?

Everybody knows that.

Everybody?

Your nerds call you Jumpback Jake.

I have a nickname?

A nickname.

That's how bad it is.

Isn't that bad?

I...

Or that's how good it is.

Right.

Well, see, that's what I'm saying.

I mean, I assume they would speak about me.

But I thought it was going to be something more along the lines of like...

Stellar Yelp reviews?

Yeah.

Stellar Yelp reviews.

So can I ask?

Yeah.

How do I stop you?

Were you a fat teenager?

Do you... No, seriously.

Did you not get along with your mother?

Do you just... Do you not like women?

Do you feel suffocated by them as students?

Yeah.

I mean, no.

It's none of those things.

God, those are all felt bad.

No, I think it was...

I think it's because I was like a late bloomer.

Really?

Yeah.

Me too.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

That's amazing.

Oh, shit.

Well, I mean, it's different for women.

I waited till my wedding night.

Did you grow up in America?

Holy shit.

I don't think I've ever... No, I've never met

anybody that actually waited until their wedding day.

That's like Bobby Fischer kind of scarcity.

Okay.

Well, I grew up very, very religiously.

What is your excuse?

Hmm.

Yeah, my excuse.

Well, I think it's, uh...

I... I thought it was something that should be special.

I think I literally sprouted a vagina when I said that.

Check.

There's a Georgia O'Keeffe painting in my pants.

They're a worse thing.

That's true.

Pollock.

Oof.

Yeah.

But that was... That's why... Yeah.

I mean, I had a bunch of friends that had done it, and it just... I don't know.

At some point, I realized it wasn't gonna be

special, and so I just wanted to get it over with.

And it's never been special ever since.

So who was the girl?

Hmm.

Do you remember?

Hmm.

You need to get back.

No, no, no.

It's just a friend.

You can still get the phone and have a... I don't want to get the phone.

It's just a friend.

It's no big deal.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice...

Are you one of Matthew's patients?

No.

I went to Columbia.

I'm surprised Matthew hasn't mentioned you.

Oh, well.

I haven't seen him in a long time.

It shouldn't bother me, but I don't like meeting his patients.

It's so weird meeting someone when your husband has seen her.

You know.

Of course.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

Lainey.

Everything okay?

Oh, I gotta go.

Chris, I'm so sorry.

I'm leaving.

I'm sick.

Oh, no.

Well, let me drive you home.

No, please.

You're just... Is everything alright?

I'm just not feeling well.

Oh.

We should take our driver.

No, Emma and I are gonna stick around for another hour or so.

But we can drop you off and be back in 20 minutes.

Easy.

You don't know where I live.

That's so nice.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

She'll never get a cab at this hour.

It's no trouble.

No.

Look, I'm really supposed to mingle a bit, but if you want me to come... It's fine.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're sick.

Feel better.

Bye, Chris.

Thank you so much for tonight.

It's no trouble.

Thank you.

So, it's a black town car.

It's across the street.

I know what your car looks like.

I don't need it.

I like your date.

He seems nice.

Fuck you, Matt.

Why haven't you returned any of my calls?

I blocked your number.

Why?

Because I'm not an asshole.

Okay.

No, no.

Just... No, no.

What?

There's something in here.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to do nothing.

I want you to do exactly what you don't normally do.

Okay?

Okay.

Fuck.

Shit.

Fuck.

Come back.

Okay.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, Ling...

Oh, sh..

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Who's Lainey?

It's a long story.

Want to tell me about it?

Yes.

She tried calling you.

My phone died.

So, how was your day?

Swell.

Swell.

Well...

It's over.

He didn't choose me.

You never told him to make a choice, you know.

That was Paula.

That was a mess.

Is she nice to you?

Yes.

What are we gonna do about it?

Hey, Lainey.

What do you wanna do?

I love you for free, Lainey.

I love you for free, Jake.

I guess I can't talk you into a road trip to Ann Arbor.

Tempting, but no.

Paula and I are taking Oliver upstate tomorrow.

Do you want me to grab the rest of the boxes?

No.

Cara and George are shipping it to me on Monday.

Cool.

All right.

I'm good.

I'm good.

All right, well, last chance to ditch med school and run away with me, huh?

Come on, what do you say?

Let's go.

You just sneak in here and I'll drive?

You know, unfortunately, I don't sleep with men in relationships anymore.

It's a new crazy thing.

No, that's okay, that's okay.

I stopped cheating anyway, so bad timing.

What happened to us?

We're getting a chance to start over.

That's true.

It's just in time.

Oh yeah.

If you ask me.

Oh yeah, yeah, before things got really bad.

And weird.

All right, well, goodbye forever.

Goodbye forever.

Again.

Up top, there you go.

Yep.

Thank you, Jake.

For what?

For teaching me how to love someone.

Anytime.

Uh, I'll get this for you.

Yeah, you gotta close this.

Yeah.

It'd be kind of cool, though, if she'd just hang on in the back.

Eddie Murphy at the beginning of Beverly Hills Cop, remember that?

Cigarette truck, that.

Uh, all right, drive safe.

Okay.

Go.

Bye.

Don't be a hotshot.

Hi, babe, it's me.

Um, I hope the goodbye went well.

Oliver and I are on our way.

Okay.

See you soon.

Nice job, Oliver.

You're a whirling dervish, out there.

A whirling dervish.

Nice job, Henry.

There you go, Henry.

Right through.

How's that feel, blue?

Good pass.

Good pass.

How's that feel, blue?

There you go.

Yeah, L.A., but they move fast.

Get it, get it, get it.

Reverse it.

Reverse it.

Yeah.

Nice pass!

I'm just a passionate fan, man.

I'm sorry.

Go play soccer!

What are you doing talking to me?

You're embarrassing me.

The kid's having a great game.

Come on, Henry!

Come on, Henry!

How's that feel, Blue?

How's that feel, Blue?

My love is conditional!

When we were kids, we had orange slices after the game.

Thank you.

That's like $400 worth of frozen yogurt.

A ton of toppings.

She just said it's every topping, every flavor.

Hey, what's up, dude?

Is it okay if I go where Henry used to go swimming?

It's cool with me.

Cool with you.

At my house?

You're gonna come swimming to my house?

Yes, I am.

Uh-oh.

Let me think about it.

What do you say?

All right.

I'll allow it.

You sure you don't want to come to brunch with me and your mom?

We're gonna have some Eggs Benedict and frittatas.

Yeah, because that's what kids want to do.

They don't want to go swimming.

They want to go to the beach.

They want to go to brunch.

Thanks, Jake.

There you go.

You have really changed, my friend.

Yes, sir.

I have to say, I don't mind it.

I don't know what that whole thing was with Lainey,

but it really turned you around in the right direction.

How's she doing?

Lainey?

Yeah.

I don't know.

We haven't talked in a while.

Look at her.

Passing out toppings.

She's just like a dealer.

What?

You're mad.

No, but are you?

You're both.

You're crazy.

Are you Matt?

You're Mappy.

We'll just say you're Mappy.

I can't help it.

I know.

It's a birthday gift.

Can you go to France?

Okay.

Do whatever you want.

Because I'm pretty sure there's going to be a very

nice suite at a five-star hotel just waiting for you.

But you're right.

It's a bad idea.

Maybe you shouldn't go.

But I've got to find someone now with your exact

name that can go to Europe and use that room.

Anybody here named Paula?

Are you crazy?

Said a lot of people.

No, not at all.

I think this is a great idea.

How did you get this good?

I spent a long time being bad.

I just, I mean, I just, just, I mean...

What?

Um... I'm sorry.

I just... I know this guy from somewhere.

With the glasses?

I can't put my finger on it.

From work?

No.

A neighbor?

No, I... I feel like he had longer hair.

Maybe he's an actor.

Maybe I knew him at Columbia.

Columbia.

You know what?

I'm... I'm... You mind if I run over there and just see if it's him?

Okay, babe.

All right.

Be right back.

Well, we can talk about it.

Okay.

So, we check?

Yeah.

Ah!

Oh, you're pregnant?

Oh, my God!

Ah!

Sorry!

Sorry!

Ah!

Boring piece of shit!

Fucking whore!

Oh, my God!

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Get up.

Let's go.

Ah!

Get up!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Matthew, my water bottle!

Honey!

Honey!

Where is she?

We need a doctor!

Wait.

I'm a doctor.

I'm her doctor.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I'm her husband.

Honey!

That is my wife.

And that's my baby.

And this motherfucker!

I don't even know.

Come on.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

Get off of me!

Fucking maniac!

Get off!

No, no, no!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Can't you do anything?

We were just having fun, didn't you?

Fucker!

Look!

The heli comes out of nowhere and gets him!

The heli went!

Bullshit, motherfucker!

Oh my God!

This isn't happening!

I'd like to see Romeo!

They're going to book you for assault.

What?

Why?

What?

Like...

Sorry.

Bad joke.

So you're going to need someone to bail you out.

Aw.

Come on, Paula.

I don't need a hard ball.

My girl?

Who's your girl?

What?

What are you...

Michael, who's your girl?

Well, I can explain that.

That's just like... Who's your girl, Jake?

I was... That guy's a fucking asshole who was

really shitty to a good friend of mine, okay?

You can't even say it.

You can't even look at me and just say her name.

I don't even... Give me the courtesy.

What are you talking about?

Like, I haven't even spoken to her since she left.

I didn't do anything wrong here, okay?

You've been playing house.

Oh shit, what are you talking about?

I let my son fall in love with you.

Oh, come on.

That is not true.

I'm lying.

I'm not lying.

I have not lied.

I would not lie to you, to him, okay?

I wasn't trying to hurt you.

Wow, you're really, you're really... Really what?

Two different people, mister.

Oh, come on.

I am not, okay?

You're gonna figure it out.

Figure what?

What are you doing?

You're gonna get...

You're just gonna go?

Okay.

Great.

Great, okay.

Great.

Wonderful.

Fuck it.

Oh.

Hey, baby.

Jake?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How you doing?

Um, I'm fine.

Where are you calling me from?

Hey, did you know they don't have a separate jail for cool people who fucked up?

Just one big old jail for everyone?

Jake, what happened?

Well, I, uh, I ran into our old college buddy, Matthew Sovacek.

Baby, what did you do?

Well, I, uh, I, uh, sort of beat the shit out of him.

Fucked up his life a little bit.

What it was?

He beat the shit out of his wife twice.

Why did you do that?

I, um...

Well, I just, um...

I just really miss you.

You know, I think about you, like, all the time.

You know what?

The word think is wrong, because I don't actively do anything.

You're just...here.

But I didn't... I didn't think I'd remember you.

You know, I thought I'd forget about all of it, and I, uh, I didn't.

You know, I just, uh...

I know we're no good at this shit, and that's why we agreed to stop seeing

each other so we wouldn't fuck it up, but...

But I want you to come back.

I need you to.

Because, uh...

Because I'd rather fail with you than win with anyone else.

Hello?

Lainey, are you still there?

Just...keep talking.

I love hearing your voice.

I love hearing you say my name.

You do?

Jake.

Lainey.

Jake.

Lainey.

Jake.

I love you so much.

I love you.

Lainey, Lainey, Lainey.

I love you.

Lainey, I love you so much.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you, Jake.

Lainey, Lainey.

What are you doing?

Fucking take it off.

Okay, honey, you're on speakerphone in a police station.

Be very careful what you say.

No, please!

I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

Don't, don't hurt or harm me!

Easy!

Easy!

Watch it!

Back off!

Back off!

Elaine!

Elaine!

Elaine!

Yes.

Yes.

I will communicate the message.

Mr. Sobocik will not be joining us.

We will have to postpone.

Come on!

This is the third time!

Look, we have made a generous offer to settle this lawsuit.

I forgot

that Pinkerton was an alias of yours.

You never caught that reference.

Madame Butterfly?

Just because I don't applaud your intellect doesn't mean I don't notice it.

Matthew.

I need you to swear that you didn't plan this.

I didn't plan this.

Jake's offering you a lot of money to settle this emotional distress lawsuit,

so just take it.

Or what?

Are you threatening me?

I don't need to threaten you.

Let me guess.

I drop it or you tell Emma we slept together.

Tell her what I know.

Which is what?

I know that you stop breathing when you kiss.

That when you lean in to whisper, you put your

lips right against the back of my earlobe.

That you kiss the back of my neck before you slip my coat over my shoulders.

I remember every compliment you ever gave me.

Everything you ever did to me in bed.

And the day you made me yours.

The day you said, Elaine, I wish I could have known you when you were a little girl.

So that I could have been your... Could have been your true love.

I remember too, you know.

Would any of it sound familiar to Emma?

Some, yeah.

I don't think she needs to know the things she holds

close to her heart were rehearsed on someone else.

Goodbye, Matthew.

So is he going to drop the charges?

Am I allowed to leave the state?

He will.

You may.

Good.

Because I booked us a flight back to Michigan at 10 a.m.

tomorrow morning.

Great.

I have a final at 3.

Excellent.

I'll help you study.

I'll make flashcards.

So no honeymoon?

Oh, no, no.

There's going to be a honeymoon.

I got us the penthouse suite down at the plaza right down the road here.

Nice.

But first I got to take you downtown and make an honest woman out of you.

Rings?

Shit.

Kidding.

Xander's daughter.

I can't believe we lost our virginity to each other and saved ourselves for marriage.

Yeah.

It was pretty great.

You were proud of us.

Nicely done.

I mean, not like we hadn't done it.

Of course.

I know what it looks like.

Yeah, yeah.

It's been a while.

But I know what your situation is down there.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

How's my situation?

Are you kidding?

It's perfect.

Well, I'm pretty much a dream come true.

That was great.

We don't really have to... No, we don't.

Say that.

Well, from safe word to code word, I guess.

We should probably... Let's go fuck first, then we'll meet them down there.

We gotta do it now.

Yeah, yeah.

But let's be quick.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Will you call Xander?

Tell him we're going to be late?

Absolutely.

How long should I tell him we're going to be?

A couple hours.

Really?

Lucky.

Getting married or not.

Yeah, then we'll still go get married.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I forgot something.

What?

Better.

Better, right?

So we just got 20 blocks.

Why didn't you take the bus?

Oh, that's a good point.

Should we get on the bus?

I wonder if we can find that roof where we first did it.

Oh, you're such a romantic.

I just left my sweatshirt up there, thank you.

I love you.

I love you too.

Um, they're gonna be here in like 90 minutes.

When have you ever had sex for 90 minutes?

With you?

With anybody.

Oh, many times.

Please, you have not had sex for 90 minutes.

I have had, like, actual intercourse for 90 minutes.

I bet they're counting, like, foreplay and stuff.

No.

But maybe they are.

Frankly, I'd be shocked if they made it at all.

I bet this sex thing is a ruse.

For what?

They're having trouble.

Cold feet, second thoughts.

Second thoughts?

They literally just got back together.

I know.

But now they have to have this whole sex thing.

I don't know.

First of all, we had sex at the last minute right before we got married.

I don't think that's true.

Really?

You don't remember someone sneaking into my room right before?

Ooh.

Ooh, I'm murdering you.

Text us if you're gonna do this, and we'll be there.

I've got the rings, the whole deal.

So just, uh... We're gonna go have sex for nine minutes.

We're gonna have sex... Yes.

We're gonna have sex for nine minutes.

Now I... Now I'm super happy.

Super happy with four to six.

Four to six minutes?

Yeah.

Or four to six inches?

Both.

I can get to like six and a quarter.

I'll show you right now.

Move it.

All right.

It is so cold.

I can't get hard right now.

Too short.

I can't get hard right now.

All right.

Ooh, I wanna though.

Here.

If they're gonna be 90 minutes... You wanna tell?

Yeah.

Ooh, that's doing... Shit.

That's doing something.

Ooh, there's a kid looking at me.

The kid's locked eyes with me.

Hey.

We made it work.

Twelve years.

Who would've thought?

I won't say twelve years.

Twelve years.

Who would've thought?

I bet...

I bet my brother seven and I'd be out.

I had to give him $5,000.

What?

Yeah.

Five years ago.

I gave him $5,000.

Remember?

You were so mad?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I paid him that because I lasted longer.

You said you got in a car accident.

It's weird to look at you for this long.

What do you mean?

I never look at you.

It's... Get a good gander.

What are you doing?

Don't dance.

Don't dance.

I'm not dancing.

I like to dance.

I just love to dance.

I don't like dancing.

I don't like it.

What are you... What are you... Don't grind up on me.

What?

You weirdo.

There is not even music.

Really?

What is this?

There's music in my body.

Okay, now something's happening.

Let's get out of here.

Let's go back to the hotel.

I want to do stuff to your body.

Upstairs, downstairs.

All right?

Yeah.

All right.

I love you honey.

I love you.

Let's go.

Lately I feel like a fool.

A little pause... I'm lost in my head.

It's way too real out there.

I'm lost in a daydream.

I don't care.

I'm oblivious.

Yeah.

Spaced out in a daze.

I couldn't hear you.

The music drowned you out.