All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.UK.S01E08.Ncuti.Gatwa.-.Holly.Humberstone.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-RAWR_track3_[eng]

Well, thanks
for taking the time

to look around the property.

We'll let you know when
it becomes available

Mr. Streeting.

Please.

Call me Prime Minister.

Please call me Prime Minister.

Right.

And will it just be yourself,
or is there a Mrs. Streeting?

Actually, I'm gay,
but not gay in the fun way.

I'm less Graham Norton
gay, more Derren Brown gay.

Good for you.

Well, what else can I tell you?

Oh, central location,
gated community,

and plenty of storage space.

Give me another chance.

Just 45 more days.

I told you, Liz
Truss, you can't

keep living in the cupboard.

Right.

I'm sorry about her.

She's so weird.

So what do you think?

It's an amazing property.

There must be some catch.

Yeah, there is
a bit of a catch.

If you live here,
everyone in the country

is going to hate you.

That's OK.

I don't have any feelings.

Not so fast, sunshine.

Ooh, that must be
our next viewing, Mr--

Burnham.

Andy is my first name.

Andy, what are
you doing here?

I thought you were
in Manchester.

I took the tram down.

The tram doesn't
go to London.

Explains why it
took so bloody long.

So this is how you
lot live down here.

Well, la-di-da.

Andy, I don't remember
you being this Northern.

I don't remember
you at all, shagger.

The point is it's
time for a change,

for an outsider, a disrupter.

Weren't you
an MP for 16 years?

You voted for the Iraq War.

Oh, that was five wars ago.

Besides, you're not exactly
Mr. Progressive yourself.

I'll have you know
I'm a proud member

of the LGBT community.

Lesbian, gay, bi,
and texting Peter Mandelson.

Room for a red one?

Angela Rayner!

You said you
weren't interested.

I'm not.

I'm just having a look.

Hey, Andy, how much
you reckon stamp

duty is in a place like this?

And would I have to pay it?

Oh, so you are interested.

Well, get in line, pal.

Beh, beh, beh, beh, beh!

What the blubbin' heck's
going on down here?

I'm trying to watch
the Eurovision up there,

and you're down here
screaming bloody murder.

This is the one
program I still enjoy.

Every time I turn on the news,
it's just a sad picture of me.

Eurovision's is the only
show left with any integrity.

I love how they
stood up to Russia

after they invaded Ukraine,
and I love the wonderful song

Israel sang.

Sir Keir, you're
probably wondering

why we're all doing here.

I know why you're
here, Burnham!

You want me out.

And you know what?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should step down.

Two years is pretty good
going for a prime minister

these days.

That's, like 24 mes.

Back, Truss!

Back!

Look, I don't know how
or if history will remember me,

but whatever you think
of me, at the end of the day,

I was here.

Was I doing a good job?

No.

But was I doing
the best I could do?

No.

But when I look at all of your
faces, it makes me think--

It makes me think--

Lammy, Lammy,
Lammy, will you turn

that Eurovision down, please?

Lammy!

And you know what?

All of you, out!

Because as far as I know,
I'm still the prime minister!

And I will be for at least
the next 75 minutes!

And until then, there's
only one thing left to say.

Live from London,
it's Saturday night!

It's "Saturday Night Live"
with Hammed Animashaun.

Ayoade Bamgboye.

Larry Dean.

Celeste Dring.

George Fouracres.

Ania Magliano.

Annabel Marlow.

Al Nash.

Jack Shep.

Emma Sidi.

Paddy Young!

Musical guest,
Holly Humberstone.

ú And your host Ncuti Gatwa!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ncuti Gatwa!

Hello!

Hello, hello, hello.

Thank you.

I'm Ncuti Gatwa,
and I am buzzed

to be here hosting "SNL UK."

We're making history tonight.

I'm the first Black host.

I'm the first queer host.

And I'm the first--

I'm the first openly
Scottish host.

It's the last episode
of the season,

so they had to do
it all in one.

It has been very
exciting to be here.

When they asked me to do this
show, I'll admit I was nervous.

But then I realized it
was maybe the only way

I'd get to play my dream role.

That's right, Guy
Goma, a.k.a. the man

mistakenly interviewed
on BBC News 20 years ago.

So what does all this
mean for the industry and

the growth of music online?

Well, Guy Kewney is
the editor of the technology

website "Newswireless."

Hello.

Good morning to you.

Good morning.

And scene.

So I am so lucky.

I have had so many fantastic
roles in my career.

Millions of you watched me
as Eric in "Sex Education."

And then, about 12 of you
watched me in "Doctor Who."

Hey, maybe that's
why I kept crying.

Joking aside, it was
genuinely a magical role.

In fact, it was the first time
my parents were truly proud

of my career.

When I told them I got
the part, they said, Finally!

A doctor in the family.

And even though I have since
regenerated into Billie Piper--

I don't understand it either--

I still love "Doctor
Who," and I got

to meet so many
crazy characters,

sort of a bit like this place.

Yes, I have had an amazing week
here getting stuck into things.

In fact, it's allowed me
to dust off a few old skills.

For instance, did you know
I used to be a go-go dancer?

That's right.

I went from shaking
these globes to the stage

at Shakespeare's Globe.

I am a proper theater actor.

That's why tonight, I'd really
like to show you my "Hamlet."

OK, so you'll be
needing this, then.

Amy Lewis!

What are you doing here?
- Hi!

Hi!

Oh, I work here now.

Yeah, I just do a little
bit of everything.

Oh, my god.

Do you know what, I thought.

I saw you with the caterers.

Yes, yes, I made that lasagna
that served 200 people, so.

It's very good.

Um, I'm just
in my monologue now.

Do you mind if I get
back to my Shakespeare?

Sorry, sorry, of course.
You've got this!

I love you.

Love you!

Anyway, as I was saying, I
am a classically trained actor,

and so I think it's time
I get my soliloquy out.

To be or not to be,
that is the question.

Oh!

Wow!

Turns out that go-go
dancer is still in me.

We have got a great
show for you

tonight with music from the
incredible Holly Humberstone,

so stick around and watch this!

♪ - Impo-- ♪

♪ - Imp-- ♪

Why are you down there?

♪ - Impossible ♪

- Hey!
- Yes!

Please do that.

We are Birds of Praise.

@ We're basically Deliveroo
for gospel choirs.

Every Sunday, I
would watch the choir

move people into giving
up their life savings.

And I just thought
to myself, I can do that.

Yes, the numbers make sense.

Uh, Lawrence?

Yeah?

I'm on the phone.

Sorry.

We found the perfectú
iteration of gospel that won't

ú send the whites into a panic.

@So previously, it was something
along the lines of this.

So--

ú We don't do that anymore.

It's much more
gentle, so it's more--

White guilt is
quite lucrative.

We've done all
the "X Factor" finals.

We've done "Ant & Dec's
Saturday Night Takeaway."

Essentially, anything
that makes Stephen Mulhern

look more soulful.

But it was Harry
and Meghan's wedding that

ú changed everything for us.

Caucasian
institutions quickly

realized what a little
praise and worship can do.

Our bank got done for
discriminatory lending against

the Black community,
but Birds of Praise came

in and sang "Lean
on Me," and by Monday,

everyone had moved on.

We've also started
doing white gospel.

We need Caucasian songs.

Lawrence!

Come on,
this is your culture.

Any song by Coldplay.

No.

Phil Collins?

He's Black.

I've got it.

♪ Too la loo ra
too ra loo ra aye ♪

♪ Come on Eileen ♪

There are very few
problems that you

can't throw a gospel choir at.

Having Birds of Praise
sing amongst hundreds

and hundreds of stolen
artifacts essentially says,

this is OK.

You know?

It's good.

We've done this.

It's good.

ú And
then 2020 came around.

What is this?

The black squares
almost finished us off.

Racism ended.

Argh!

I've got kids.

Oh, god.

It was a dark
time for everyone.

It was Dua Lipa's
year, for sure.

Then, Trump came
back on the scene.

♪ It'll get better ♪

He won!

♪ Better ♪

Back to business,
Racism Pro-Max.

And business has been booming!

♪ Soul rejoice ♪

♪ Stomp! ♪

Oh, whoa.
Yay.

Whoa.

Sorry.

♪ Better! ♪

It was a beautiful day
on the Island of Sodor,

but Henry was not
feeling like himself.

Cheer up, Henry.

Said Thomas.

Sorry, Thomas.

My lovely paint just
doesn't feel so shiny today.

Said Henry.

Oh, look, here comes
the owner of the railway,

Sir Topham Hatt.

I wonder if he can
cheer Henry up?

Morning, Thomas.

Morning, Henry.

Morning, fat controller.

Stop the music.

Sorry, what?

- Morning.
- No, no, no.

What did you say?

Morning what?

Fat controller.

It's just a nickname that
we've all been using.

You've all been calling
me the fat controller

behind my back?
- Don't you like it?

No, obviously
I don't like it.

What the hell is
wrong with you?

Said the fat controller, very
sweatily and out of breath.

OK, here he
comes, chiming in.

You as well is it, Ringo?

I mean, what's wrong with my
actual name, Sir Topham Hatt?

Well, it is a bit
of a silly name, that.

Oh, is it a silly
name, "Ringo Starr"?

Calm down, Topham.

That's "Sir Topham" to you.

What did you get
knighted for again?

It was, uh, services
to the food industry.

It makes sense.

Oh, yeah, yeah, great, yeah.

Laugh it up.

The guy who runs a train
station on his own, by the way,

occasionally likes a treat.

- Occasionally?
- You know what?

Perhaps you shouldn't
get your breakfast

from the West Cornwall
Pasty Company every morning.

Well, actually, I've
got a thyroid issue

and I've got a note from
my doctor to prove it.

So, what do you
think of that, eh?

That's a Burger King wrapper.

Ah, for f--

You know, I think
Fat Controller

is a very nice nickname.

It shows that
you're in control.

Exactly.

Yeah, funnily enough,
it's not the "controller"

part I've got an issue with.

Did you learn nothing
from that Respect

in the Workplace seminar
that we all sat through?

We learnt that Gordon
wants to be referred

to by he/they pronouns.

Aw, good for them.

Yeah, it's good
for them, but my point

is, name calling is exactly
the kind of workplace bullying

that makes people
go off the rails.

Hey, that is not right!

What?

We don't really say
that sort of thing.

"Off the rails"?

It's anti-train language.

Peace and love.

Peace and love!

Yeah, peace, OK, yeah.

I got your peace and love
right here for you, Ringo.

How about that?
Peace and love.

Oh, uh--

- Fat controller!
- No, I didn't-- oh.

Well, that's gonna end up
in the village newsletter.

You know what?

I don't even know why
I bother with this.

Here's me coming
in with a tin of paint

to give you a fresh lick, make
you feel good about yourself,

'cause I heard you weren't
feeling great, right?

And what do I get?

A knife in the back!

Excuse me for caring.

I guess that's my problem,
I care too much.

I don't think that's
your main problem.

Thank you.

Sir Topham, maybe
if you walked more and

stopped riding us to get
around all the time,

you wouldn't be overweight.
- Right!

That's me gone.

If I don't come in tomorrow,
I've "Tophammed"

myself, all right?

Good riddance.

The fat controller waddled
off, obesely in a big fat huff.

For the record, by the way,
steam trains are a thing

of the past, all right?

You're nothing more than a
hobby for weird kids and pedos,

so enjoy that, all right?

I'm not gonna stick around
here just to be laughed at, OK?

Wh-- whoa!

We are sorry to announce that
your 3:30 train to Sodor Town

Center is delayed due
to what appears to be a very,

very fat man wearing a top
hat stuck on the track.

Hello, old friend.

I'm Louis Theroux,
the bespectacled documentarian

who makes documentaries
about difficult subjects

like cults, prisons,
and Ann Widdecombe.

I've had tapas
with the Tiger King

and done karaoke with
the KKK, everything

a boy could dream of.

But there's always
been one person

I've wanted to interview,
and of all the places

I was to meet him,
in a Travelodge in Bromsgrove.

This is "Looking
Theroux the Mirror."

Hi, Louis.

Uh, firstly, can
I call you Louis?

You can call me
Louis, yeah, yeah.

Is that all right, Louis?

Could I call you Louis?

Louis, how are you?

Are you finding this awkward?

I'm good, yeah, yeah.

This isn't about me.
How are you?

Are you all right?

Is that fair to say?

I'm good.
I'm good.

But this isn't about me.

This is about you,
Louis Theroux.

Should we get started?

Yeah, that's right.

Should we get started?

Louis and I seem to be bonding.

I wanted to make sure I wasn't
getting the wrong impression,

so I decided to ask more.

So, Louis, you
always seem to be--

look at other weird people
and not at your weird self.

Does that get old?

Do you think I'm getting old?

Can I say that?

Is that fair to say?

This is starting to feel
like a bit of a weird weekend.

Is that fair to say?

Should we-- should
we get started?

I'd like to.

Should we get started?

I thought we were
gonna get started.

Have you backtracked already?

I was getting the sense that
Louis was getting somewhat

tired of my questions.

So, Louis, would you
describe yourself

as a self-reflective person?

Should I answer that?

Is this a bit awkward now?

Yeah.

Should we get started?

Yeah.

Even though we were
clearly disassociating,

I felt hopeful that we
were about to get started.

But my eye was caught
by the other mirror.

Hi, Louis.

It's me, Louis.

Hello, Louis.

Should we get started?
- Yeah.

Hi, Louis.

Should we get--
should we get started?

Yes.
Should we get started?

Yeah.

It was then I realized
there was more to me

than just the awkward Louis
people see on television.

I contain multitudes of Louis,
and they were all awkward.

- Awkward.
- Ooh.

Really.

So are all these--
all the parts

of Louis Theroux which
combine to complete

one whole Louis Theroux?

Can I say that?

Are we all individually
Louis Theroux,

but also Louis Theroux?

Really?
- Really?

Can I say that?

Can he say that?

Remember when we
met those swingers?

- Yeah.
- Can I say that?

It was in that moment we
had a noise complaint.

Hello.

I'm sorry-- sorry
to be a bother,

but you're actually
being quite loud.

Is that-- is that fair to say?

Oh, gosh.

Is that-- is that right?

Are we being quite loud?

Is that fair to say?

That's fair to say.

Is that fair to say?

That's fair to say.

I learned lot of my trip
to the Travelodge.

Over the course of the weekend,
the Louises and I swapped

many stories and much saliva.

Yes, we had a four-way
tongue kiss.

I was too bashful to ask
reception for water,

so I ravaged my way through
those tiny UHT milks

and I hurt all eight of my
thumbs opening the packets.

Is it eight?

Is that right?

Is that fair to say?

Hey, Louises.

Want to try the trouser press?

Should we get started?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

My name's Ray Tranter.

I was a coal miner
at Grimethorpe Colliery

in Nottinghamshire.

@ It was quite a normal morning,
to be honest with you.

The first thing we
knew anything was wrong

was the smell.

It smelt like
sulfur, like death.

Then we heard the screams.

Oh, my god!

So we run around
the corner, and

that's when we saw it, like.

It became apparent
that the miners

had broken through
a wall on the ground

ú and had awoken something.

An entity.

There were a young lad,
Jack, from Long Eaton.

they grabbed him, just
pulling his arms off.

It was a ploy to throwú a
perimeter around the mine.

I was in Desert Storm.

I've seen all sorts.

I hadn't seen
nothing like that.

The creature was unstoppable.

He just kept going, blobby.

Blobby.

Blobby, blobby, blobby.

Blob--

We all made a break for it.

Get back to the lift.

But that bastard's followed
us all the way out.

And all of a sudden,
he just stopped.

It was a complete
coincidence.

I happened to be
in front of there,

filming a gotcha
segment in which

we had tricked Roy
Keane into berating

a Chinese takeaway owner.

And that's when I
heard the commotion,

and I ran around the corner,
and there he was.

We can't be
certain whether it's

something in Noel's
pheromonal signature

that Blobby responds
to or whether there

is a sexual aspect.

Reconnaissance ascertains
that there were, in fact,

multiple entities concealed.

One thing was clear.

The mines had to be
sealed, immediately.

Mrs. Thatcher ate
the pill for all of us.

It killed her, what her party
did to her beloved miners.

Blobby!

Blobby's an atom
bomb made flesh.

What keeps me up
at night is, what

happens when Edmonds cops it?

'Cause I've seen what
one of them can do.

And there's millions
of them down there.

Blobby!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Holly Humberstone.

♪ So you crashed
into the wall ♪

♪ You're cleanin' up
the broken glass ♪

♪ Thinkin', what
the hell was that? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ In the movie of your life ♪

♪ You're the first to die ♪

♪ And the critics
called it trash ♪

♪ Too bad ♪

♪ They tell you that
you feel too much ♪

♪ Euphoria right
down to the crush ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ And the things they say
in the songs you love ♪

♪ The greatest hits
and the deepest cuts ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Is to know you're
only human, honey ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Well, at least you
got to love somebody ♪

♪ I, I hurt you, ♪

♪ Yeah, I, I hurt you ♪

♪ Well, at least you
got to love somebody ♪

♪ You took a right
hook to the jaw ♪

♪ So you go and brush
your teeth ♪

♪ A little powder
on your cheeks ♪

♪ And you feel
a little better ♪

♪ This blue and green ball ♪

♪ Keeps spinnin' to the beat ♪

♪ You gotta try
and move your feet ♪

♪ Gotta be boxin' clever ♪

♪ They tell you that ♪

♪ You feel too much ♪

♪ You bet it all
on the summer crush ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ And you wear his T-shirt ♪

♪ You hate his guts ♪

♪ You read the handbook ♪

♪ You take the drugs ♪

♪ You said, from here
on out, it's us ♪

♪ It always was ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Is to know you're
only human, honey ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Well, at least you
got to love somebody ♪

♪ I, I hurt you ♪

♪ Yeah, I, I hurt you, yeah ♪

♪ They tell you that ♪

♪ You feel too much ♪

♪ Euphoria right
down to the crush ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ The things they say
in the songs you love ♪

♪ The greatest hits
and the deepest cuts ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works # out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Is to know you're
only human, honey ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Well, at least you
got to love somebody ♪

♪ I, I hurt you ♪

♪ Yeah, I, I hurt you, yeah ♪

♪ I hurt you,
yeah, I hurt you ♪

It's Weekend Update with Ania
Magliano and Paddy Young.

Good evening, and welcome
to Weekend Update.

I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

We start with some breaking
news from the Labor Party.

Wes Streeting has
just confirmed

that if there is
a leadership contest,

he will challenge Keir Starmer.

And now we've had reports
from inside Westminster

that Wes Streeting could
be right on the verge

of hitting puberty.

More on those
balls as they drop.

Earlier this week, Keir
Starmer, seen here-- hang on.

Sorry.

Which one is he?

Thank you.

Earlier this week, Starmer
met with Wes Streeting

at number 10.

Starmer's allies insisted
the meeting was "just

two men having a coffee."

Oh, my god, they're fucking.

Streeting
and Starmer's meeting

lasted only 16 minutes,
a disappointment for Wes,

who'd met with himself
before he left the house

in the hope he'd last longer.

There's now a real chance
Wes Streeting might

become the prime minister.

Truly, the worm has turned.

And I'm not calling
Wes a worm because I

don't respect his policies.

I'm calling him a worm
because he looks like a worm.

Members of Reform
UK have expressed

worries that Wes Streeting
is a friend of Mandelson.

Sorry.

It's 2026.

Just say, gay.

Another potential
challenger for the leadership

is Andy Burnham, whose key
policy difference to Streeting

is that his hair goes
in the other direction.

And what about
the other parties?

Let's turn now to the Lib Dems.

Now let's turn away
from the Lib Dems.

The former deputy prime
minister Angela Rayner is also

in the mix and could
make history

as the first female
red-headed prime minister

who doesn't understand tax.
Sorry.

I'm welling up.

Vicky Wrangler
and Luton's angriest twink,

Tommy Robinson--

led the Unite the Kingdom
March in London today.

The Met Police said
that it had deployed

over 4,000 officers,
and luckily,

they were gonna go anyway.

No-- no.

It was actually quite
a diverse crowd.

There were 20,000 bald
men, 40,000 XL bullies,

and one mini bully.

Live facial
recognition technology

was used by the police for the
first time, at the protest.

It's a huge
breakthrough, proving

the technology is
finally advanced enough

to work on munters.

A recent report has
found that progress

on gender equality at the top
of Britain's biggest businesses

remains achingly slow,
with still only nine

female bosses in the FTSE 100.

Here to comment is The Woman
Who Can't Be Ignored.

I am The Woman Who
Can't Be Ignored.

Time to focus.
Don't look away.

Focus.
Now, that's good.

That's very good.

What was your name again?

J-- J-- Jenny Hesselbo.

Awooga!

Jenny, how is it
that in 2026, we

still have so few female CEOs?

Well, I tell you whoseú
fault it is, the women's.

Wait for it.

I'm joking.

The problem is structural.

♪ And I'm coming like
a wrecking ball ♪

Do you have any
tips for a woman

going into a job interview
for a high-up position?

God, yeah.

Now, when you arrive at the
interview, you say very loudly,

I drove here.

Now, give me this job.

Are you in a leadership
role yourself?

Of course I am.

I slept my way to the top.

And by that I mean I
nap, and I'm gifted.

♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪

And what line
of work is that?

Advertising.

Remember the slogan, Red
Bull gives you wings?

I punched the guy who
came up with that.

Now, he was great in bed,
but he played me for a fool.

He's got three kids and lives
in Teddington now, of course.

♪ Hey, ya, ma, ma, ma ♪

Jenny, I'm so jealous
of your confidence.

Oh, yeah?

Are you jealous?

Yeah.

Well, all right.

Well, if you're that jealous,
why not ask me out for a drink?

Why not ask me to be
your girlfriend?

Try it.

See what I say.

I don't know.

It seems a little forward.

Well, as I always say
to every person I ever meet,

your loss.

♪ She will be loved ♪

OK, fine.

I can't ignore you, Jenny.

Want to get a drink sometime?

Ah, yes.

Well, let me check
with my husband.

I'm married, you bell end.

I'm a woman in a female
leadership position.

Someone put a ring on this
piece of impressive arse yonks

ago.
Wow!

The Woman Who Can't
Be Ignored, everybody!

A runner from
Wiltshire has set

up a website promoting safe
routes for women running alone.

As we know, running
alone is one

of the most dangerous things
you can do as a woman,

apart from walking alone,
traveling alone, dining

alone, sleeping alone,
living alone, and

living with a partner.

The Royal Navy
has been forced

to redesign a uniform
after complaints

that two of the buttons are
in the same place as nipples.

The uniform is here being
worn by Princess Anne,

and the buttons
chart the progression

downwards of her nipples
throughout the years.

A US member
of Congress has suggested

that a strange object
filmed hovering over

a military base
in the Middle East

could, in fact,
have been an angel.

Impossible.

I've never been
to the Middle East.

Now, this week
was the centenary

of the legendary
comedian Eric Morecambe.

Yeah, he's a personal
hero of mine,

and I'd like to take this
opportunity to deliver

this tribute to him.

♪ Hallej-- um, Eric Morecambe ♪

♪ Hallej-- um ♪

♪ National treasure ♪

♪ BTS ♪

♪ K-pop legend ♪

♪ Jimi, Eric Morecambe
has joined the bubble ♪

Thank you, Eric.

Rest in power.

Ania?

Yeah, OK.

Tonight-- that's what that was.

Tonight is the grand final
of the Eurovision Song Contest.

And the vote is
happening live right now.

Here to explain the Eurovision
scoring work-- here

to explain how Eurovision--

I'm still thinking
about the beatboxing.

And to explain how
the Eurovision scoring works,

we can now go live
to one of the judges.

Hello!

Hello from Euro.

Oh, wow.
Hi.

Sorry.

Which country are you from?

Yes, exactly.

Can you talk us through
how the points work?

Yeah, OK.

So we give four points for how
hot you look in the denim.

Very nice.

And then take away two points
if you've done a genocide.

Ugh.

Naughty, naughty.

Slap on the wrist.

And then we all drink orange
wine together and scissor.

Yep.
Yeah, yeah.

Sounds clear to me.

So did you like the UK entry?

Yes yes, I hated
it very much so.

Yes, yes, yes.

Anyway, I'm off to make
sex now with the drummer

from Lithuania.

Bye!

Eyelashes himself everyone!

An Amazon delivery driver
caught on a doorbell camera

taking a cat from
a garden in Yorkshire

has claimed he did not
know it had an owner.

The cat was returned
the following day

by Avery, who rang
the bell once and

then booted it over the wall.

A new women's only mental
health crisis center is set

to open in Swindon next month.

For those of you
who don't know,

a women's only mental health
crisis center is more commonly

referred to as Oliver Bonas.

In Halifax, a strong man
has become the first person

in the world to pull
a car with his penis while

on fire, although sadly he
lost the biggest battle,

custody of his children.

New artworks placed
outside a church in Somerset

have been described by locals
as looking like giant sex toys.

I mean, they really do.

I have that one at home,
the one in the coat.

The cost of living
crisis looks set to worsen.

To discuss some tips
and tricks on managing

your personal finances,
Ayodade Bamgboye.

Pleased to be here.

Let's get into it.

Money tip one remember,
debt is just a number.

34,000 pounds?

Those are just numbers.

HMRC, those are just letters
that I am not opening.

What does it all mean?

I think it means you
owe HMRC $34 grand.

Paddy, when don't you speak,
I get a migraine in my spine.

Money tip two,
if you have debt,

remember, it's not
always your fault.

Sorry.
Whose fault is it?

Lily Allen.

So Lily Allen lived as a Black
woman from the years 2011

to 2014.

When she rejoined
the white community,

UK borrowing costs shot up.

Coincidence?

That does sound like
a coincidence, yeah.

Paddy, understand
that when you talk

my nipples become concave.

Please!

Please!

Money tip three, find
a man with an old money

name like Jasper,
Richard, or Tarquin.

Then you break
into his house and

you take all of his
things, his tapestries,

his faberges, his
children, and you

sell them on Facebook
Marketplace.

You deserve to have
a nice life.

Ayodada, this is
terrible advice.

Oh yeah?

Let's get a second
opinion, from an expert.

Martin?

Where are you?

Oh my God.

It's Martin Lewis,
money saving expert.

Ayodade, your heart
is in the right place,

but I can't condone
this advice.

You should not sell children
on Facebook Marketplace.

Vinted is way more lucrative.

I knew it.

I knew it!

Ayodade Bamgboye and Martin
Lewis, money saving expert!

Well, for Weekend
Update, I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

Good night!

Bye.

Bye, Paddy!

Great to meet you.

I'm the new producer.

I just want to say
I'm so excited

about this new James Bond.

I think you've made
an excellent casting choice.

Yes.

Ncuit Gatwa is incredible.

And I'm just so happy we
finally get a black James Bond.

It's been a long time coming.

And that is exactly what we
have here, a Black James

Bond, technically.

Technically?

Sorry.

What's this?

OK.

I'll explain.

You, Ncuit Gatwa are
the new James Bond.

But obviously we want to avoid
any backlash around that,

so we found
a loophole in society.

A loophole?

Yes.

Cynthia Erivo's
character in "Wicked"

taught us that audiences
are happy to have a Black

lead in a major blockbuster as
long as they're painted green.

Oh, um, like Zoe
Saldana's character

in "Guardians of the Galaxy."

She was green.

She was green, exactly.

But I'm not just green, am I?

I'm Shrek.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's the most
beloved green of them all.

Is he?

Yeah, think about
what Shrek is.

He's an outsider that refuses
to assimilate, steals a royal,

then marries them.

He's basically Meghan Markle,
but everyone still loves him.

I guess.

Trust me.

Let's give it a go, shall we?

All right.

Quiet on set, and action.

Martini, shaken, not stirred.

Cut.

OK, love that, love
that, love that.

Um, my only note
is, way more Shrek.

But I thought
I was James Bond.

Yes and no.

You're Ncuti Gatwa, who's
playing Shrek, who's

playing the new James Bond.

It's all very logical.

It should be like,
"martini, shaken not stirred."

Martini, shaken not stirred.

No, no.

Let's try, martini,
shaken not stirred.

Better out
than in I always say.

Martini, shaken not stirred.

Better in I always say.

Do you care about being the
first Black Shrek James Bond?

'Cause it doesn't
seem like you care.

Let's try, what are
you doing in my casino?

What are you
doing in my casino?

Stay with me here.

People are in your casino,
and you're asking them, what

are you doing in my casino?

What are you
doing in my casino?

Cut!

You're not getting it.

Because it doesn't
make sense to put

Shrek in the James Bond world!

You're not just putting
Shrek in the James Bond world.

Bring in M, the head of MI6.

I've got a new
assignment for you, 007.

Do you know the Muffin Man?

What the hell
is happening here?

We believe he's a puppet
for a much larger operation.

I'm not a puppet.

I'm a real boy,
and I'm here to take

you down, Mr. Bond, with
my Spanish boot wearing cat.

Meow, meow, por favor.

Now we're cooking.

Bring in Q, the gadget
man sidekick!

Oh.

Don't do the voice.

Really sorry, man.

This gadget makes waffles!

Right!

I quit!

If this is what it takes to be
the first Black James Bond,

then I'm out!

Shit!

OK, our last option,
the only Black person that's

allowed to fully be themselves
in mainstream media.

Coming soon, Alison
Hammond is James Bond.

Once again,
Holly Humberstone.

♪ It's Friday and I'm
thinking about you ♪

♪ I say it as if I
have a choice ♪

♪ And all the other girls
in the bathroom trash you ♪

♪ It's just white noise ♪

♪ I gotta go
through the stages ♪

♪ Of exercising your ghost ♪

♪ Sometimes
the busiest places ♪

♪ Can make you feel so alone, ♪

♪ Alone, alone, alone ♪

♪ Play a sad song, DJ ♪

♪ I just want to sway tonight ♪

♪ Since I lost my baby ♪

♪ All I want to do is cry ♪

♪ And cry ♪

♪ I let my tears
hit the floor ♪

♪ Trying to get real, girl ♪

♪ You're not in his
arms anymore ♪

♪ DJ, I just want
to sway tonight, ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ Do, do, do do, do do do do ♪

♪ Hello, hi ♪

♪ It's Friday and I'm
thinking about you ♪

♪ Serotonin levels are low so ♪

♪ I was planning all
my summers around you ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ You had to go ♪

♪ Now you're nothing
more than a stranger ♪

♪ Somebody I used to know ♪

♪ Our double act
was the greatest ♪

♪ But now I'm dancing alone, ♪

♪ Alone, alone, alone ♪

♪ Play a sad song, DJ ♪

♪ I just want to sway tonight ♪

♪ Since I lost my baby ♪

♪ All I want to do is cry, ♪

♪ Cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ I let my tears
hit the floor ♪

♪ Time to get real, girl ♪

♪ You're not in his
arms anymore ♪

♪ DJ, I just wanna
sway tonight ♪

♪ Tonight, hey ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪

♪ It's just white noise ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, hey ♪

♪ Lost my baby ♪

♪ And all I want
to do is cry, ♪

♪ Cry, and cry ♪

♪ I let my tears
hit the floor ♪

♪ Time to get real, girl ♪

♪ You're not in his
arms anymore ♪

♪ DJ, I just want
to sway tonight ♪

♪ Tonight, oh ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

So I said to him--

I said, Stuart, I'm not
going to that Steam Fair.

It looks like shit.

100%, my love.

Are you sure we should
be letting our girls

do that, Mary, the dancing?

Ugh, no, not this again.

I know you think it's
silly, but the curse.

Oh, come off it, Beth.

You know that curse
is a load of bollocks.

Mom, come and be
in the dance.

Me?

Oh, no.

You don't want my crispy old
disgusting ass in your TokTok.

Be right there.

Don't, Mary!

Whoa!

Come on then.
Come on then.

Move over.

Oh!

OK, mom's still got it.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ, no, no.

No!

It's happening, isn't it?

Good God!

What's happening.

Sally, you're going to have
to be really brave for mommy.

Mommy's going to be fine.

Mary!

Mary, she deserves to know!

Listen, girls, your mothers'
ass were cursed by a

witch, evil.

She caught us doing
premarital erotic riding

on boys at the inaugural
Boomtown festival in 2009.

She said if we ever
popped our pussies again,

we'd pop them until-- until--

Beth, no!

we explode!

No!

What do we do?

It's too late.

She's already at stage two.

She's doing the Cheryl Cole.

Let's fight for this love.

Now she's Lil' Kimming.

Ah!

And there, now she's
George Sampsoning.

Oh, gosh.

Yes, right, that
was impressive.

Oh, god, have I missed
breakdancing, you know,

all this kind
of stuff, you know?

Oh, god.

Oh, no.

Popping our pussies well!

Oh, my god, They're
voguing now, boobs.

Now they're Tulisa
Female Bossing.

Now they're doing the Bolero.

We thought, like Torvill and
Dean, it might buy us some--

- time!

Oh, god, it's too late.

Beth, you know
what we have to do.

All right.

Sally, in the air fryer, now.

Shoot us!

Forever!

Forver make it rain!

I'll never forget you, mommy!

Well, obviously, don't do it.

Oh, god!

Do it!

Mommy?

Oh, no.

No!

Oh no!

He's doing the apple
dance, even though it's

really out of date.

That's my entire bloodline!

What's happening?

Just keep looking
at me, baby.

Just keep looking at me!

My puss, I can't
stop popping my puss!

Oh, girls, brace yourselves!

Oh!

Oh, my god!

Milk!

I've got your effing milk!

Jesus wept.

Mary, Beth, Sally,
and Sally, they've

become four celestial
orbs, their final form.

Wait.

Did they have a gun
in their air fryer?

What?

My biggest thanks
to Holly Humberstone,

Aimee Lou Wood, Louis
Theroux, Martin Lewis,

money-saving expert.

And a huge, huge thank you to
the incredible cast, writers,

and everyone
working on this show

and for making it
such a beautiful week.

"SNL UK" will be back for a
second series in September.

Until then, good night!