Original subtitles

Well, thanks for taking the time

to look around the property.

We'll let you know when it becomes available

Mr. Streeting.

Please.

Call me Prime Minister.

Please call me Prime Minister.

Right.

And will it just be yourself, or is there a Mrs. Streeting?

Actually, I'm gay, but not gay in the fun way.

I'm less Graham Norton gay, more Derren Brown gay.

Good for you.

Well, what else can I tell you?

Oh, central location, gated community,

and plenty of storage space.

Give me another chance.

Just 45 more days.

I told you, Liz Truss, you can't

keep living in the cupboard.

Right.

I'm sorry about her.

She's so weird.

So what do you think?

It's an amazing property.

There must be some catch.

Yeah, there is a bit of a catch.

If you live here, everyone in the country

is going to hate you.

That's OK.

I don't have any feelings.

Not so fast, sunshine.

Ooh, that must be our next viewing, Mr--

Burnham.

Andy is my first name.

Andy, what are you doing here?

I thought you were in Manchester.

I took the tram down.

The tram doesn't go to London.

Explains why it took so bloody long.

So this is how you lot live down here.

Well, la-di-da.

Andy, I don't remember you being this Northern.

I don't remember you at all, shagger.

The point is it's time for a change,

for an outsider, a disrupter.

Weren't you an MP for 16 years?

You voted for the Iraq War.

Oh, that was five wars ago.

Besides, you're not exactly Mr. Progressive yourself.

I'll have you know I'm a proud member

of the LGBT community.

Lesbian, gay, bi, and texting Peter Mandelson.

Room for a red one?

Angela Rayner!

You said you weren't interested.

I'm not.

I'm just having a look.

Hey, Andy, how much you reckon stamp

duty is in a place like this?

And would I have to pay it?

Oh, so you are interested.

Well, get in line, pal.

Beh, beh, beh, beh, beh!

What the blubbin' heck's going on down here?

I'm trying to watch the Eurovision up there,

and you're down here screaming bloody murder.

This is the one program I still enjoy.

Every time I turn on the news, it's just a sad picture of me.

Eurovision's is the only show left with any integrity.

I love how they stood up to Russia

after they invaded Ukraine, and I love the wonderful song

Israel sang.

Sir Keir, you're probably wondering

why we're all doing here.

I know why you're here, Burnham!

You want me out.

And you know what?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should step down.

Two years is pretty good going for a prime minister

these days.

That's, like 24 mes.

Back, Truss!

Back!

Look, I don't know how or if history will remember me,

but whatever you think of me, at the end of the day,

I was here.

Was I doing a good job?

No.

But was I doing the best I could do?

No.

But when I look at all of your faces, it makes me think--

It makes me think--

Lammy, Lammy, Lammy, will you turn

that Eurovision down, please?

Lammy!

And you know what?

All of you, out!

Because as far as I know, I'm still the prime minister!

And I will be for at least the next 75 minutes!

And until then, there's only one thing left to say.

Live from London, it's Saturday night!

It's "Saturday Night Live" with Hammed Animashaun.

Ayoade Bamgboye.

Larry Dean.

Celeste Dring.

George Fouracres.

Ania Magliano.

Annabel Marlow.

Al Nash.

Jack Shep.

Emma Sidi.

Paddy Young!

Musical guest, Holly Humberstone.

ú And your host Ncuti Gatwa!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ncuti Gatwa!

Hello!

Hello, hello, hello.

Thank you.

I'm Ncuti Gatwa, and I am buzzed

to be here hosting "SNL UK."

We're making history tonight.

I'm the first Black host.

I'm the first queer host.

And I'm the first--

I'm the first openly Scottish host.

It's the last episode of the season,

so they had to do it all in one.

It has been very exciting to be here.

When they asked me to do this show, I'll admit I was nervous.

But then I realized it was maybe the only way

I'd get to play my dream role.

That's right, Guy Goma, a.k.a. the man

mistakenly interviewed on BBC News 20 years ago.

So what does all this mean for the industry and

the growth of music online?

Well, Guy Kewney is the editor of the technology

website "Newswireless."

Hello.

Good morning to you.

Good morning.

And scene.

So I am so lucky.

I have had so many fantastic roles in my career.

Millions of you watched me as Eric in "Sex Education."

And then, about 12 of you watched me in "Doctor Who."

Hey, maybe that's why I kept crying.

Joking aside, it was genuinely a magical role.

In fact, it was the first time my parents were truly proud

of my career.

When I told them I got the part, they said, Finally!

A doctor in the family.

And even though I have since regenerated into Billie Piper--

I don't understand it either--

I still love "Doctor Who," and I got

to meet so many crazy characters,

sort of a bit like this place.

Yes, I have had an amazing week here getting stuck into things.

In fact, it's allowed me to dust off a few old skills.

For instance, did you know I used to be a go-go dancer?

That's right.

I went from shaking these globes to the stage

at Shakespeare's Globe.

I am a proper theater actor.

That's why tonight, I'd really like to show you my "Hamlet."

OK, so you'll be needing this, then.

Amy Lewis!

What are you doing here? - Hi!

Hi!

Oh, I work here now.

Yeah, I just do a little bit of everything.

Oh, my god.

Do you know what, I thought.

I saw you with the caterers.

Yes, yes, I made that lasagna that served 200 people, so.

It's very good.

Um, I'm just in my monologue now.

Do you mind if I get back to my Shakespeare?

Sorry, sorry, of course. You've got this!

I love you.

Love you!

Anyway, as I was saying, I am a classically trained actor,

and so I think it's time I get my soliloquy out.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Oh!

Wow!

Turns out that go-go dancer is still in me.

We have got a great show for you

tonight with music from the incredible Holly Humberstone,

so stick around and watch this!

♪ - Impo-- ♪

♪ - Imp-- ♪

Why are you down there?

♪ - Impossible ♪

- Hey! - Yes!

Please do that.

We are Birds of Praise.

@ We're basically Deliveroo for gospel choirs.

Every Sunday, I would watch the choir

move people into giving up their life savings.

And I just thought to myself, I can do that.

Yes, the numbers make sense.

Uh, Lawrence?

Yeah?

I'm on the phone.

Sorry.

We found the perfectú iteration of gospel that won't

ú send the whites into a panic.

@So previously, it was something along the lines of this.

So--

ú We don't do that anymore.

It's much more gentle, so it's more--

White guilt is quite lucrative.

We've done all the "X Factor" finals.

We've done "Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway."

Essentially, anything that makes Stephen Mulhern

look more soulful.

But it was Harry and Meghan's wedding that

ú changed everything for us.

Caucasian institutions quickly

realized what a little praise and worship can do.

Our bank got done for discriminatory lending against

the Black community, but Birds of Praise came

in and sang "Lean on Me," and by Monday,

everyone had moved on.

We've also started doing white gospel.

We need Caucasian songs.

Lawrence!

Come on, this is your culture.

Any song by Coldplay.

No.

Phil Collins?

He's Black.

I've got it.

♪ Too la loo ra too ra loo ra aye ♪

♪ Come on Eileen ♪

There are very few problems that you

can't throw a gospel choir at.

Having Birds of Praise sing amongst hundreds

and hundreds of stolen artifacts essentially says,

this is OK.

You know?

It's good.

We've done this.

It's good.

ú And then 2020 came around.

What is this?

The black squares almost finished us off.

Racism ended.

Argh!

I've got kids.

Oh, god.

It was a dark time for everyone.

It was Dua Lipa's year, for sure.

Then, Trump came back on the scene.

♪ It'll get better ♪

He won!

♪ Better ♪

Back to business, Racism Pro-Max.

And business has been booming!

♪ Soul rejoice ♪

♪ Stomp! ♪

Oh, whoa. Yay.

Whoa.

Sorry.

♪ Better! ♪

It was a beautiful day on the Island of Sodor,

but Henry was not feeling like himself.

Cheer up, Henry.

Said Thomas.

Sorry, Thomas.

My lovely paint just doesn't feel so shiny today.

Said Henry.

Oh, look, here comes the owner of the railway,

Sir Topham Hatt.

I wonder if he can cheer Henry up?

Morning, Thomas.

Morning, Henry.

Morning, fat controller.

Stop the music.

Sorry, what?

- Morning. - No, no, no.

What did you say?

Morning what?

Fat controller.

It's just a nickname that we've all been using.

You've all been calling me the fat controller

behind my back? - Don't you like it?

No, obviously I don't like it.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Said the fat controller, very sweatily and out of breath.

OK, here he comes, chiming in.

You as well is it, Ringo?

I mean, what's wrong with my actual name, Sir Topham Hatt?

Well, it is a bit of a silly name, that.

Oh, is it a silly name, "Ringo Starr"?

Calm down, Topham.

That's "Sir Topham" to you.

What did you get knighted for again?

It was, uh, services to the food industry.

It makes sense.

Oh, yeah, yeah, great, yeah.

Laugh it up.

The guy who runs a train station on his own, by the way,

occasionally likes a treat.

- Occasionally? - You know what?

Perhaps you shouldn't get your breakfast

from the West Cornwall Pasty Company every morning.

Well, actually, I've got a thyroid issue

and I've got a note from my doctor to prove it.

So, what do you think of that, eh?

That's a Burger King wrapper.

Ah, for f--

You know, I think Fat Controller

is a very nice nickname.

It shows that you're in control.

Exactly.

Yeah, funnily enough, it's not the "controller"

part I've got an issue with.

Did you learn nothing from that Respect

in the Workplace seminar that we all sat through?

We learnt that Gordon wants to be referred

to by he/they pronouns.

Aw, good for them.

Yeah, it's good for them, but my point

is, name calling is exactly the kind of workplace bullying

that makes people go off the rails.

Hey, that is not right!

What?

We don't really say that sort of thing.

"Off the rails"?

It's anti-train language.

Peace and love.

Peace and love!

Yeah, peace, OK, yeah.

I got your peace and love right here for you, Ringo.

How about that? Peace and love.

Oh, uh--

- Fat controller! - No, I didn't-- oh.

Well, that's gonna end up in the village newsletter.

You know what?

I don't even know why I bother with this.

Here's me coming in with a tin of paint

to give you a fresh lick, make you feel good about yourself,

'cause I heard you weren't feeling great, right?

And what do I get?

A knife in the back!

Excuse me for caring.

I guess that's my problem, I care too much.

I don't think that's your main problem.

Thank you.

Sir Topham, maybe if you walked more and

stopped riding us to get around all the time,

you wouldn't be overweight. - Right!

That's me gone.

If I don't come in tomorrow, I've "Tophammed"

myself, all right?

Good riddance.

The fat controller waddled off, obesely in a big fat huff.

For the record, by the way, steam trains are a thing

of the past, all right?

You're nothing more than a hobby for weird kids and pedos,

so enjoy that, all right?

I'm not gonna stick around here just to be laughed at, OK?

Wh-- whoa!

We are sorry to announce that your 3:30 train to Sodor Town

Center is delayed due to what appears to be a very,

very fat man wearing a top hat stuck on the track.

Hello, old friend.

I'm Louis Theroux, the bespectacled documentarian

who makes documentaries about difficult subjects

like cults, prisons, and Ann Widdecombe.

I've had tapas with the Tiger King

and done karaoke with the KKK, everything

a boy could dream of.

But there's always been one person

I've wanted to interview, and of all the places

I was to meet him, in a Travelodge in Bromsgrove.

This is "Looking Theroux the Mirror."

Hi, Louis.

Uh, firstly, can I call you Louis?

You can call me Louis, yeah, yeah.

Is that all right, Louis?

Could I call you Louis?

Louis, how are you?

Are you finding this awkward?

I'm good, yeah, yeah.

This isn't about me. How are you?

Are you all right?

Is that fair to say?

I'm good. I'm good.

But this isn't about me.

This is about you, Louis Theroux.

Should we get started?

Yeah, that's right.

Should we get started?

Louis and I seem to be bonding.

I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting the wrong impression,

so I decided to ask more.

So, Louis, you always seem to be--

look at other weird people and not at your weird self.

Does that get old?

Do you think I'm getting old?

Can I say that?

Is that fair to say?

This is starting to feel like a bit of a weird weekend.

Is that fair to say?

Should we-- should we get started?

I'd like to.

Should we get started?

I thought we were gonna get started.

Have you backtracked already?

I was getting the sense that Louis was getting somewhat

tired of my questions.

So, Louis, would you describe yourself

as a self-reflective person?

Should I answer that?

Is this a bit awkward now?

Yeah.

Should we get started?

Yeah.

Even though we were clearly disassociating,

I felt hopeful that we were about to get started.

But my eye was caught by the other mirror.

Hi, Louis.

It's me, Louis.

Hello, Louis.

Should we get started? - Yeah.

Hi, Louis.

Should we get-- should we get started?

Yes. Should we get started?

Yeah.

It was then I realized there was more to me

than just the awkward Louis people see on television.

I contain multitudes of Louis, and they were all awkward.

- Awkward. - Ooh.

Really.

So are all these-- all the parts

of Louis Theroux which combine to complete

one whole Louis Theroux?

Can I say that?

Are we all individually Louis Theroux,

but also Louis Theroux?

Really? - Really?

Can I say that?

Can he say that?

Remember when we met those swingers?

- Yeah. - Can I say that?

It was in that moment we had a noise complaint.

Hello.

I'm sorry-- sorry to be a bother,

but you're actually being quite loud.

Is that-- is that fair to say?

Oh, gosh.

Is that-- is that right?

Are we being quite loud?

Is that fair to say?

That's fair to say.

Is that fair to say?

That's fair to say.

I learned lot of my trip to the Travelodge.

Over the course of the weekend, the Louises and I swapped

many stories and much saliva.

Yes, we had a four-way tongue kiss.

I was too bashful to ask reception for water,

so I ravaged my way through those tiny UHT milks

and I hurt all eight of my thumbs opening the packets.

Is it eight?

Is that right?

Is that fair to say?

Hey, Louises.

Want to try the trouser press?

Should we get started? - Yeah.

Yeah.

My name's Ray Tranter.

I was a coal miner at Grimethorpe Colliery

in Nottinghamshire.

@ It was quite a normal morning, to be honest with you.

The first thing we knew anything was wrong

was the smell.

It smelt like sulfur, like death.

Then we heard the screams.

Oh, my god!

So we run around the corner, and

that's when we saw it, like.

It became apparent that the miners

had broken through a wall on the ground

ú and had awoken something.

An entity.

There were a young lad, Jack, from Long Eaton.

they grabbed him, just pulling his arms off.

It was a ploy to throwú a perimeter around the mine.

I was in Desert Storm.

I've seen all sorts.

I hadn't seen nothing like that.

The creature was unstoppable.

He just kept going, blobby.

Blobby.

Blobby, blobby, blobby.

Blob--

We all made a break for it.

Get back to the lift.

But that bastard's followed us all the way out.

And all of a sudden, he just stopped.

It was a complete coincidence.

I happened to be in front of there,

filming a gotcha segment in which

we had tricked Roy Keane into berating

a Chinese takeaway owner.

And that's when I heard the commotion,

and I ran around the corner, and there he was.

We can't be certain whether it's

something in Noel's pheromonal signature

that Blobby responds to or whether there

is a sexual aspect.

Reconnaissance ascertains that there were, in fact,

multiple entities concealed.

One thing was clear.

The mines had to be sealed, immediately.

Mrs. Thatcher ate the pill for all of us.

It killed her, what her party did to her beloved miners.

Blobby!

Blobby's an atom bomb made flesh.

What keeps me up at night is, what

happens when Edmonds cops it?

'Cause I've seen what one of them can do.

And there's millions of them down there.

Blobby!

Ladies and gentlemen, Holly Humberstone.

♪ So you crashed into the wall ♪

♪ You're cleanin' up the broken glass ♪

♪ Thinkin', what the hell was that? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ In the movie of your life ♪

♪ You're the first to die ♪

♪ And the critics called it trash ♪

♪ Too bad ♪

♪ They tell you that you feel too much ♪

♪ Euphoria right down to the crush ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ And the things they say in the songs you love ♪

♪ The greatest hits and the deepest cuts ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Is to know you're only human, honey ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Well, at least you got to love somebody ♪

♪ I, I hurt you, ♪

♪ Yeah, I, I hurt you ♪

♪ Well, at least you got to love somebody ♪

♪ You took a right hook to the jaw ♪

♪ So you go and brush your teeth ♪

♪ A little powder on your cheeks ♪

♪ And you feel a little better ♪

♪ This blue and green ball ♪

♪ Keeps spinnin' to the beat ♪

♪ You gotta try and move your feet ♪

♪ Gotta be boxin' clever ♪

♪ They tell you that ♪

♪ You feel too much ♪

♪ You bet it all on the summer crush ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ And you wear his T-shirt ♪

♪ You hate his guts ♪

♪ You read the handbook ♪

♪ You take the drugs ♪

♪ You said, from here on out, it's us ♪

♪ It always was ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Is to know you're only human, honey ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Well, at least you got to love somebody ♪

♪ I, I hurt you ♪

♪ Yeah, I, I hurt you, yeah ♪

♪ They tell you that ♪

♪ You feel too much ♪

♪ Euphoria right down to the crush ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ The things they say in the songs you love ♪

♪ The greatest hits and the deepest cuts ♪

♪ It all breaks down ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ It all works # out ♪

♪ It always does ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Is to know you're only human, honey ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To hurt somebody ♪

♪ To lose somebody ♪

♪ Well, at least you got to love somebody ♪

♪ I, I hurt you ♪

♪ Yeah, I, I hurt you, yeah ♪

♪ I hurt you, yeah, I hurt you ♪

It's Weekend Update with Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.

Good evening, and welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

We start with some breaking news from the Labor Party.

Wes Streeting has just confirmed

that if there is a leadership contest,

he will challenge Keir Starmer.

And now we've had reports from inside Westminster

that Wes Streeting could be right on the verge

of hitting puberty.

More on those balls as they drop.

Earlier this week, Keir Starmer, seen here-- hang on.

Sorry.

Which one is he?

Thank you.

Earlier this week, Starmer met with Wes Streeting

at number 10.

Starmer's allies insisted the meeting was "just

two men having a coffee."

Oh, my god, they're fucking.

Streeting and Starmer's meeting

lasted only 16 minutes, a disappointment for Wes,

who'd met with himself before he left the house

in the hope he'd last longer.

There's now a real chance Wes Streeting might

become the prime minister.

Truly, the worm has turned.

And I'm not calling Wes a worm because I

don't respect his policies.

I'm calling him a worm because he looks like a worm.

Members of Reform UK have expressed

worries that Wes Streeting is a friend of Mandelson.

Sorry.

It's 2026.

Just say, gay.

Another potential challenger for the leadership

is Andy Burnham, whose key policy difference to Streeting

is that his hair goes in the other direction.

And what about the other parties?

Let's turn now to the Lib Dems.

Now let's turn away from the Lib Dems.

The former deputy prime minister Angela Rayner is also

in the mix and could make history

as the first female red-headed prime minister

who doesn't understand tax. Sorry.

I'm welling up.

Vicky Wrangler and Luton's angriest twink,

Tommy Robinson--

led the Unite the Kingdom March in London today.

The Met Police said that it had deployed

over 4,000 officers, and luckily,

they were gonna go anyway.

No-- no.

It was actually quite a diverse crowd.

There were 20,000 bald men, 40,000 XL bullies,

and one mini bully.

Live facial recognition technology

was used by the police for the first time, at the protest.

It's a huge breakthrough, proving

the technology is finally advanced enough

to work on munters.

A recent report has found that progress

on gender equality at the top of Britain's biggest businesses

remains achingly slow, with still only nine

female bosses in the FTSE 100.

Here to comment is The Woman Who Can't Be Ignored.

I am The Woman Who Can't Be Ignored.

Time to focus. Don't look away.

Focus. Now, that's good.

That's very good.

What was your name again?

J-- J-- Jenny Hesselbo.

Awooga!

Jenny, how is it that in 2026, we

still have so few female CEOs?

Well, I tell you whoseú fault it is, the women's.

Wait for it.

I'm joking.

The problem is structural.

♪ And I'm coming like a wrecking ball ♪

Do you have any tips for a woman

going into a job interview for a high-up position?

God, yeah.

Now, when you arrive at the interview, you say very loudly,

I drove here.

Now, give me this job.

Are you in a leadership role yourself?

Of course I am.

I slept my way to the top.

And by that I mean I nap, and I'm gifted.

♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪

And what line of work is that?

Advertising.

Remember the slogan, Red Bull gives you wings?

I punched the guy who came up with that.

Now, he was great in bed, but he played me for a fool.

He's got three kids and lives in Teddington now, of course.

♪ Hey, ya, ma, ma, ma ♪

Jenny, I'm so jealous of your confidence.

Oh, yeah?

Are you jealous?

Yeah.

Well, all right.

Well, if you're that jealous, why not ask me out for a drink?

Why not ask me to be your girlfriend?

Try it.

See what I say.

I don't know.

It seems a little forward.

Well, as I always say to every person I ever meet,

your loss.

♪ She will be loved ♪

OK, fine.

I can't ignore you, Jenny.

Want to get a drink sometime?

Ah, yes.

Well, let me check with my husband.

I'm married, you bell end.

I'm a woman in a female leadership position.

Someone put a ring on this piece of impressive arse yonks

ago. Wow!

The Woman Who Can't Be Ignored, everybody!

A runner from Wiltshire has set

up a website promoting safe routes for women running alone.

As we know, running alone is one

of the most dangerous things you can do as a woman,

apart from walking alone, traveling alone, dining

alone, sleeping alone, living alone, and

living with a partner.

The Royal Navy has been forced

to redesign a uniform after complaints

that two of the buttons are in the same place as nipples.

The uniform is here being worn by Princess Anne,

and the buttons chart the progression

downwards of her nipples throughout the years.

A US member of Congress has suggested

that a strange object filmed hovering over

a military base in the Middle East

could, in fact, have been an angel.

Impossible.

I've never been to the Middle East.

Now, this week was the centenary

of the legendary comedian Eric Morecambe.

Yeah, he's a personal hero of mine,

and I'd like to take this opportunity to deliver

this tribute to him.

♪ Hallej-- um, Eric Morecambe ♪

♪ Hallej-- um ♪

♪ National treasure ♪

♪ BTS ♪

♪ K-pop legend ♪

♪ Jimi, Eric Morecambe has joined the bubble ♪

Thank you, Eric.

Rest in power.

Ania?

Yeah, OK.

Tonight-- that's what that was.

Tonight is the grand final of the Eurovision Song Contest.

And the vote is happening live right now.

Here to explain the Eurovision scoring work-- here

to explain how Eurovision--

I'm still thinking about the beatboxing.

And to explain how the Eurovision scoring works,

we can now go live to one of the judges.

Hello!

Hello from Euro.

Oh, wow. Hi.

Sorry.

Which country are you from?

Yes, exactly.

Can you talk us through how the points work?

Yeah, OK.

So we give four points for how hot you look in the denim.

Very nice.

And then take away two points if you've done a genocide.

Ugh.

Naughty, naughty.

Slap on the wrist.

And then we all drink orange wine together and scissor.

Yep. Yeah, yeah.

Sounds clear to me.

So did you like the UK entry?

Yes yes, I hated it very much so.

Yes, yes, yes.

Anyway, I'm off to make sex now with the drummer

from Lithuania.

Bye!

Eyelashes himself everyone!

An Amazon delivery driver caught on a doorbell camera

taking a cat from a garden in Yorkshire

has claimed he did not know it had an owner.

The cat was returned the following day

by Avery, who rang the bell once and

then booted it over the wall.

A new women's only mental health crisis center is set

to open in Swindon next month.

For those of you who don't know,

a women's only mental health crisis center is more commonly

referred to as Oliver Bonas.

In Halifax, a strong man has become the first person

in the world to pull a car with his penis while

on fire, although sadly he lost the biggest battle,

custody of his children.

New artworks placed outside a church in Somerset

have been described by locals as looking like giant sex toys.

I mean, they really do.

I have that one at home, the one in the coat.

The cost of living crisis looks set to worsen.

To discuss some tips and tricks on managing

your personal finances, Ayodade Bamgboye.

Pleased to be here.

Let's get into it.

Money tip one remember, debt is just a number.

34,000 pounds?

Those are just numbers.

HMRC, those are just letters that I am not opening.

What does it all mean?

I think it means you owe HMRC $34 grand.

Paddy, when don't you speak, I get a migraine in my spine.

Money tip two, if you have debt,

remember, it's not always your fault.

Sorry. Whose fault is it?

Lily Allen.

So Lily Allen lived as a Black woman from the years 2011

to 2014.

When she rejoined the white community,

UK borrowing costs shot up.

Coincidence?

That does sound like a coincidence, yeah.

Paddy, understand that when you talk

my nipples become concave.

Please!

Please!

Money tip three, find a man with an old money

name like Jasper, Richard, or Tarquin.

Then you break into his house and

you take all of his things, his tapestries,

his faberges, his children, and you

sell them on Facebook Marketplace.

You deserve to have a nice life.

Ayodada, this is terrible advice.

Oh yeah?

Let's get a second opinion, from an expert.

Martin?

Where are you?

Oh my God.

It's Martin Lewis, money saving expert.

Ayodade, your heart is in the right place,

but I can't condone this advice.

You should not sell children on Facebook Marketplace.

Vinted is way more lucrative.

I knew it.

I knew it!

Ayodade Bamgboye and Martin Lewis, money saving expert!

Well, for Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

Good night!

Bye.

Bye, Paddy!

Great to meet you.

I'm the new producer.

I just want to say I'm so excited

about this new James Bond.

I think you've made an excellent casting choice.

Yes.

Ncuit Gatwa is incredible.

And I'm just so happy we finally get a black James Bond.

It's been a long time coming.

And that is exactly what we have here, a Black James

Bond, technically.

Technically?

Sorry.

What's this?

OK.

I'll explain.

You, Ncuit Gatwa are the new James Bond.

But obviously we want to avoid any backlash around that,

so we found a loophole in society.

A loophole?

Yes.

Cynthia Erivo's character in "Wicked"

taught us that audiences are happy to have a Black

lead in a major blockbuster as long as they're painted green.

Oh, um, like Zoe Saldana's character

in "Guardians of the Galaxy."

She was green.

She was green, exactly.

But I'm not just green, am I?

I'm Shrek.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's the most beloved green of them all.

Is he?

Yeah, think about what Shrek is.

He's an outsider that refuses to assimilate, steals a royal,

then marries them.

He's basically Meghan Markle, but everyone still loves him.

I guess.

Trust me.

Let's give it a go, shall we?

All right.

Quiet on set, and action.

Martini, shaken, not stirred.

Cut.

OK, love that, love that, love that.

Um, my only note is, way more Shrek.

But I thought I was James Bond.

Yes and no.

You're Ncuti Gatwa, who's playing Shrek, who's

playing the new James Bond.

It's all very logical.

It should be like, "martini, shaken not stirred."

Martini, shaken not stirred.

No, no.

Let's try, martini, shaken not stirred.

Better out than in I always say.

Martini, shaken not stirred.

Better in I always say.

Do you care about being the first Black Shrek James Bond?

'Cause it doesn't seem like you care.

Let's try, what are you doing in my casino?

What are you doing in my casino?

Stay with me here.

People are in your casino, and you're asking them, what

are you doing in my casino?

What are you doing in my casino?

Cut!

You're not getting it.

Because it doesn't make sense to put

Shrek in the James Bond world!

You're not just putting Shrek in the James Bond world.

Bring in M, the head of MI6.

I've got a new assignment for you, 007.

Do you know the Muffin Man?

What the hell is happening here?

We believe he's a puppet for a much larger operation.

I'm not a puppet.

I'm a real boy, and I'm here to take

you down, Mr. Bond, with my Spanish boot wearing cat.

Meow, meow, por favor.

Now we're cooking.

Bring in Q, the gadget man sidekick!

Oh.

Don't do the voice.

Really sorry, man.

This gadget makes waffles!

Right!

I quit!

If this is what it takes to be the first Black James Bond,

then I'm out!

Shit!

OK, our last option, the only Black person that's

allowed to fully be themselves in mainstream media.

Coming soon, Alison Hammond is James Bond.

Once again, Holly Humberstone.

♪ It's Friday and I'm thinking about you ♪

♪ I say it as if I have a choice ♪

♪ And all the other girls in the bathroom trash you ♪

♪ It's just white noise ♪

♪ I gotta go through the stages ♪

♪ Of exercising your ghost ♪

♪ Sometimes the busiest places ♪

♪ Can make you feel so alone, ♪

♪ Alone, alone, alone ♪

♪ Play a sad song, DJ ♪

♪ I just want to sway tonight ♪

♪ Since I lost my baby ♪

♪ All I want to do is cry ♪

♪ And cry ♪

♪ I let my tears hit the floor ♪

♪ Trying to get real, girl ♪

♪ You're not in his arms anymore ♪

♪ DJ, I just want to sway tonight, ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ Do, do, do do, do do do do ♪

♪ Hello, hi ♪

♪ It's Friday and I'm thinking about you ♪

♪ Serotonin levels are low so ♪

♪ I was planning all my summers around you ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ You had to go ♪

♪ Now you're nothing more than a stranger ♪

♪ Somebody I used to know ♪

♪ Our double act was the greatest ♪

♪ But now I'm dancing alone, ♪

♪ Alone, alone, alone ♪

♪ Play a sad song, DJ ♪

♪ I just want to sway tonight ♪

♪ Since I lost my baby ♪

♪ All I want to do is cry, ♪

♪ Cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ I let my tears hit the floor ♪

♪ Time to get real, girl ♪

♪ You're not in his arms anymore ♪

♪ DJ, I just wanna sway tonight ♪

♪ Tonight, hey ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ It's just white noise ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, hey ♪

♪ Lost my baby ♪

♪ And all I want to do is cry, ♪

♪ Cry, and cry ♪

♪ I let my tears hit the floor ♪

♪ Time to get real, girl ♪

♪ You're not in his arms anymore ♪

♪ DJ, I just want to sway tonight ♪

♪ Tonight, oh ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

So I said to him--

I said, Stuart, I'm not going to that Steam Fair.

It looks like shit.

100%, my love.

Are you sure we should be letting our girls

do that, Mary, the dancing?

Ugh, no, not this again.

I know you think it's silly, but the curse.

Oh, come off it, Beth.

You know that curse is a load of bollocks.

Mom, come and be in the dance.

Me?

Oh, no.

You don't want my crispy old disgusting ass in your TokTok.

Be right there.

Don't, Mary!

Whoa!

Come on then. Come on then.

Move over.

Oh!

OK, mom's still got it.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ, no, no.

No!

It's happening, isn't it?

Good God!

What's happening.

Sally, you're going to have to be really brave for mommy.

Mommy's going to be fine.

Mary!

Mary, she deserves to know!

Listen, girls, your mothers' ass were cursed by a

witch, evil.

She caught us doing premarital erotic riding

on boys at the inaugural Boomtown festival in 2009.

She said if we ever popped our pussies again,

we'd pop them until-- until--

Beth, no!

we explode!

No!

What do we do?

It's too late.

She's already at stage two.

She's doing the Cheryl Cole.

Let's fight for this love.

Now she's Lil' Kimming.

Ah!

And there, now she's George Sampsoning.

Oh, gosh.

Yes, right, that was impressive.

Oh, god, have I missed breakdancing, you know,

all this kind of stuff, you know?

Oh, god.

Oh, no.

Popping our pussies well!

Oh, my god, They're voguing now, boobs.

Now they're Tulisa Female Bossing.

Now they're doing the Bolero.

We thought, like Torvill and Dean, it might buy us some--

- time!

Oh, god, it's too late.

Beth, you know what we have to do.

All right.

Sally, in the air fryer, now.

Shoot us!

Forever!

Forver make it rain!

I'll never forget you, mommy!

Well, obviously, don't do it.

Oh, god!

Do it!

Mommy?

Oh, no.

No!

Oh no!

He's doing the apple dance, even though it's

really out of date.

That's my entire bloodline!

What's happening?

Just keep looking at me, baby.

Just keep looking at me!

My puss, I can't stop popping my puss!

Oh, girls, brace yourselves!

Oh!

Oh, my god!

Milk!

I've got your effing milk!

Jesus wept.

Mary, Beth, Sally, and Sally, they've

become four celestial orbs, their final form.

Wait.

Did they have a gun in their air fryer?

What?

My biggest thanks to Holly Humberstone,

Aimee Lou Wood, Louis Theroux, Martin Lewis,

money-saving expert.

And a huge, huge thank you to the incredible cast, writers,

and everyone working on this show

and for making it such a beautiful week.

"SNL UK" will be back for a second series in September.

Until then, good night!