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Downing Street, May 9, 2046.
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00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:13,159
Hello, Nigel Farage here.
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00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:23,199
I hope this Cameo
finds you well.
4
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,799
I hear from a friend of yours
that it's your special day.
5
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:28,039
120 years old.
6
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:33,839
Well, doesn't time fly,
uh Sir David Attenborough?
7
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Have a pint on me.
8
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:36,519
And, hey--
9
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,879
I think I'll join you.
10
00:00:59,040 --> 00:00:59,999
Ah.
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I love being prime minister.
12
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:07,559
Good morning, sir!
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00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:12,119
Kemi Badenoch, my trusted
deputy, here with my Yorkie bar
14
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:13,999
and morning briefing.
- Yes, yes.
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00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:14,759
Yes, yes.
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00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:15,959
Big news days, Prime Minister.
17
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,639
Thanks to our deportations,
the population of London
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00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,679
is finally down
to single figures.
19
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:23,759
Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
20
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:24,599
Ha, ha, ha.
21
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,719
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
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00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,200
Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha, ha!
23
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,479
Ha, ha, ha.
24
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,079
Ha, ha.
25
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,079
Ha, ah, excellent, excellent.
26
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:33,959
Less strain on our resources.
27
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:34,719
Exactly.
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00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,200
And one last thing,
King Trump assures us,
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00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,919
he's almost
negotiated a ceasefire
30
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,679
over the Strait of Hormuz.
31
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:41,839
Ah.
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00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,759
Oh, that's a lovely photo.
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00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,919
Mm, mm, mm.
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00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:46,919
More?
35
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,519
Mm.
36
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:49,200
Ah.
Phew.
37
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:50,919
For a minute there,
it felt like we were
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00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,759
on the brink of World War IV.
39
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:53,759
Mm.
40
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:54,479
Ah!
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00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,799
You know, Kemi, we
make quite a team,
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00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,479
you and I. We disagree
on everything very,
43
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,559
very, very slightly.
44
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:03,079
Yes.
45
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,599
Ever since our parties
merged, we've
46
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:09,039
been unstoppable, just like the
hantavirus turned out to be.
47
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:09,999
Oh, is that the time?
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00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,799
Come on, we're late
for the straight pride parade.
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00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:13,599
Of course!
50
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,879
Oh, let's see what
the weather's saying.
51
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,079
Oh, looks a bit chilly.
52
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:23,079
Summer comes around
early every year.
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00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:32,079
Sir Keir!
54
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,639
Sir Keir, we've arrived.
55
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,799
I told you that time
machine would work.
56
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:42,159
So this is really
the future, Angela?
57
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,679
2046, to be precise.
58
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,879
Look, today's paper.
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00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:51,159
But, but, but--
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00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,119
oh, crumbs.
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00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,519
Farage has been PM
this whole time.
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00:02:55,520 --> 00:03:00,519
And look at this,
"SNL UK" renewed--
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00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:11,679
for series 3.
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00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,599
Wow, big delay.
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00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,479
Yeah, series 2
must have been rough.
66
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:18,159
But why have you
brought me here?
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00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,559
You'll remember
the 7th of May, 2026,
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00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,079
the local council elections.
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00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:26,839
I'm not totally sure what
those are, to be honest.
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00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:31,159
No one is, but the results
speak for themselves.
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00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,559
If you don't do
the honorable thing,
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00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:39,439
this future will come to pass.
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00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:44,039
I see what you're
getting at, Big Ange.
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00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:47,200
If my days really
are numbered, then I
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00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,679
should seize every
moment, enjoy
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00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,199
every day as prime
minister, because I've
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00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,200
only got three years left.
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00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,639
Thank you for this
wonderful lesson.
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00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:01,759
No, that's not
what I'm saying.
80
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:05,919
I'm trying to tell you
to stand aside and let me take
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00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,479
charge of the government and--
82
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:09,159
Oh, silly me.
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00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,799
I forgot my legal gun.
84
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,119
Hang on a minute.
85
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,119
Who are you?
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00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:14,919
Who am I?
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00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,119
I'm the blubbing
prime minister.
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00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,999
Uh, uh, excuse me.
89
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:19,839
Uh, no, I am.
90
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:23,559
I'm the Big Chungus of this
great United Kingdom of England
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00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,799
and the middle part of Wales.
92
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,879
Uh, security, seize them!
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00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,719
We deported the security.
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00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,439
Ah, excellent.
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00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,119
Yes!
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00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:35,119
Here, we have to go.
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00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,159
The prime ministerial
time portal
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00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,959
is gonna close any second.
99
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,159
Wait, what?
100
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:41,079
Didn't you know?
101
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,519
This secret compartment
allows the prime minister
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00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:44,839
to travel through time.
103
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:46,999
Yes!
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00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,039
Greetings.
105
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:55,839
I have come to--
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00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:56,639
oh, sorry.
107
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,759
Do you ever walk into a room
and completely forget
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what you've gone in there for?
109
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:01,399
Oh, yeah.
110
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,479
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
111
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,719
Meep, meep.
112
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:06,679
Oh, wait.
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00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:07,479
That was it.
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00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,799
Live from London,
it's "Saturday Night!"
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It's "Saturday Night Live."
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00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:33,599
With Hammed Animashaun.
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00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:40,919
Ayoade Bamgboye.
118
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:47,599
Larry Dean.
119
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:53,119
Celese Dring.
120
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:59,759
George Fouracres.
121
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:04,999
Ania Magliano.
122
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:10,999
Annabel Marlow.
123
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:15,999
Al Nash.
124
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:22,719
Jack Shep.
125
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:30,159
Emma Sidi.
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00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:36,679
Paddy Young.
127
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,879
Musical guest, Myles Smith.
128
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,439
And your host,
Hannah Waddingham.
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00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,839
Ladies and gentlemen,
Hannah Waddingham!
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00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:14,079
Hello!
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00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:17,919
I am disproportionately
excited to be here, hosting
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"Saturday Night Live UK"!
133
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,479
Oh, hang on a minute.
134
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:24,159
Sorry, guys.
135
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,959
Um, something's wrong.
136
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,919
Boys are you-- thank you.
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00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,679
Oh, oh, oh, god.
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00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:35,519
That's better.
139
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,839
Honestly, two minutes out
of high heels, and my feet
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00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,479
really start hurting.
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00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,919
Ah, thank you
chaps, Larry, Jack.
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00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:51,039
It is so amazing to finally
be here, at "SNL UK."
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00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:57,519
It reminds me so much
of my beloved "Ted Lasso."
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00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,799
Brits and Americans working
together, the team spirit,
145
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,079
the communal showers
afterwards, I mean,
146
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:09,679
that was surprising
and excellent.
147
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:14,119
Brett Goldstein is
a very hairy man.
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00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,479
I mean, he really is.
149
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,759
Now I have played my fair
share of glamorous characters
150
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:21,599
in my career.
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00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,999
Here are some
of my particularly
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00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,759
attractive early roles.
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00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:28,759
Mm.
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00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,439
Yep.
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00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,919
And of course, from "Game
of Thrones," my sexy little
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turn as the "shame" nun.
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00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,999
Oh, yeah, where I looked
like I'd been dug up
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00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:42,159
and then my face
needed ironing.
159
00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,439
But there are
so many parts, guys,
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00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,039
that I've never been
considered for that I'd
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00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,079
really love to play.
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00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,159
What about the male
cab driver from Belfast
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00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:54,519
who gives surprisingly
good romantic advice?
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00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,879
He violated
your identity, sweetheart.
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00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:03,479
Now put your big girl pants on
and remember, you are a queen.
166
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,799
Here's your stop.
167
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:11,079
Or a character I'd just
like to call Debbie.
168
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:16,479
Ooh, I'm so sorry, Officer.
169
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:17,119
I'm Debbie.
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00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:20,959
I've been a very,
very bad girl.
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00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,599
But what has Debbie done?
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00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,119
We never find out.
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00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:30,679
And, of course, the part that
I think I was born to play,
174
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:35,519
perhaps the sexiest character
from the "Star Wars" universe.
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00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,160
You see?
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00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:45,039
Range, range.
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00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:45,879
Now listen up.
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00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,559
I have been watching this cast
absolutely kill it every week,
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00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:52,519
and I am so excited to be
part of the gang tonight.
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00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:57,079
We have got a great show coming
up for you, including music
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00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,839
from the fabulous Myles Smith.
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00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,679
And I can't believe
I'm actually
183
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,599
getting to say this finally.
184
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,439
Stick around and watch this!
185
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:17,200
Jason Bentley, you
are a menace to society.
186
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,159
I didn't do it, Your Honor.
187
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:23,559
You're going down
for a very long time.
188
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,759
Not so fast!
189
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,879
You may have read him
his rights, Your Honor.
190
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,519
But we're red and right.
191
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,039
"Sunburnt Lawyers"--
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00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,119
Oh, Jesus.
193
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,119
Is that Melissa?
194
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,719
a searing new
legal drama on Alibi.
195
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:45,959
I don't want to hear
any goddamn excuses!
196
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:48,679
Just stop falling
asleep on beaches!
197
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,199
Once it's peeled,
it'll go brown.
198
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,719
It never does!
199
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,079
You're so jealous.
200
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,719
You look mental!
201
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,919
A wise man once
said, if you are
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00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,119
neutral in situations
of injustice,
203
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:06,159
then you have chosen
the side of the oppressor.
204
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:07,839
[bleep] off, [bleep]
off, [bleep] off.
205
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,799
don't.
No, I'm not wearing that.
206
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:10,879
It's scratchy.
207
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:11,639
No, don't.
208
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,919
Don't touch me with that
wig, 'cause I will scream.
209
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,119
You've heard
of "Law & Order."
210
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:18,159
It's good, isn't it?
211
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:19,999
But this is
something different.
212
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,759
So is your lawyer
gonna sit down?
213
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:25,199
I'm scared of what
it might feel like.
214
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,559
Even my arse is
burnt to a crisp.
215
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:30,159
Carry on.
216
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,079
They're good lawyers,
don't get me wrong.
217
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:33,839
They're just really,
really sunburnt.
218
00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:38,039
Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, our client is innocent.
219
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:43,119
And we ask of you, does
anyone have any sour cream?
220
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,759
Because we have read
that that can help.
221
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,559
Anyone?
222
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,759
With all the emotional
stakes you'd expect--
223
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:55,679
My skin feels like
the sound of bees.
224
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:56,719
Ah!
225
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,159
Ah, ah!
226
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,159
They're lawyers.
227
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:01,039
They're sunburnt.
228
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,079
It's really-- it's
really that simple.
229
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,039
She was the love of my life.
230
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,039
I'd never lay a finger on her.
231
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,079
Ah.
232
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,039
What?
233
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,759
Ooh.
234
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:14,839
Sorry.
235
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:15,639
And get this.
236
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:20,160
Somehow, the sunburn always
helps them win the case.
237
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,879
Ah!
238
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,159
Ha.
239
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,559
You see, Your Honor?
240
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:29,039
The fingerprints
are not a match.
241
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,039
Not guilty!
242
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:39,679
Oh, Jesus Christ.
243
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,799
"Sunburnt Lawyers."
244
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:50,039
It's exactly what
it sounds like.
245
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,479
OK, all right, all right.
246
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:02,759
Good morning, year 11.
247
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:06,679
There you go.
248
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:10,079
I got two words for you--
249
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,559
End of.
250
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,999
And I've got two
more words for you--
251
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,799
Year musical.
252
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,999
End of year musical.
253
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:19,679
Yes!
254
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:21,679
Miss, did you get
the rights to "Frozen"
255
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:23,879
so we can stop doing
those weird shows
256
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,639
about your personal lives?
257
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,119
What?
258
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,719
I resent those allegations.
259
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:28,719
Do you, Janet?
260
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,519
I do, Janet.
261
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,959
And to be clear, we
are both called Janet.
262
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,959
OK, yes, this original
West End standard piece
263
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:43,519
is about two top-heavy
Reading-based drama teachers.
264
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,839
And those teachers
have both just
265
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:51,839
been through vicious divorces
almost identical to ours.
266
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:56,519
But get this, they're
both called Amy.
267
00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:00,999
So there's the difference!
268
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,799
Maestro, please.
269
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:08,879
♪ Just arrived, Single City ♪
270
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,039
♪ My life's a mess ♪
271
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,999
♪ And mine is hell ♪
272
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,439
♪ Because the divorce
ain't final yet ♪
273
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:20,079
♪ Sleeping in an empty
king-size bed ♪
274
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,639
♪ In a single sitting, ♪
275
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,559
♪ He took the kids ♪
276
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,999
Happy to move on.
277
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:28,679
Yeah.
278
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,799
Miss, Miss, when are
we gonna get to perform?
279
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,159
Oh, I don't know, maybe
when you've played Mrs.
280
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,799
Teapot in the Lincoln
Drill Hall's unofficial
281
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:41,439
production of "Beauty and the
Beast," entitled "Pretty Girl,
282
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,959
Big Dog."
283
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:48,959
So the next number
is about a surprising
284
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:55,519
post-divorce trip that the Amys
take to Center Parcs Longleat.
285
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:56,479
Lights!
286
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:02,679
♪ There's something
in the air at Longleats ♪
287
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,999
♪ Something we could
never forsake ♪
288
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:10,519
♪ I only got one room
when I booked on Wowcher ♪
289
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,039
♪ Now it's two
of us, her and me ♪
290
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,839
♪ We're back from a long
day on the rapids ♪
291
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:22,639
♪ 'Cause we both got stuck
on the rapids for hours ♪
292
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,039
♪ Said I'll sleep on the sofa ♪
293
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:26,079
♪ I tell her, no, sir, ♪
294
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,639
♪ Let's dabble in lesbianism
for the first time ♪
295
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:35,519
♪ And ultimately realize
it's not for us ♪
296
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,119
Come on!
297
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:40,599
Miss Janet, Miss Janet,
we want to do "Frozen"!
298
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,719
"Frozen," "Frozen," "Frozen"!
299
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:44,399
Right.
300
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,759
OK, I suppose you
don't want to hear
301
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,879
about the group number,
where the Amys realize
302
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,199
their true love is teaching.
303
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,679
Inspired
by their incredible students.
304
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:58,839
And, I mean, I just feel
bad for Robin, who was
305
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,959
this year's chosen soloist.
306
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,479
We're sorry, Robin.
307
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,599
We know you're different
from the other boys.
308
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:13,079
We're not gonna say why.
309
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,679
You're gonna have
to have a trickier life
310
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:16,879
because of who you are.
311
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:19,079
We're not gonna say why.
312
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,719
And we hate to lose
you as a soloist
313
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,799
because you are
our favorite student.
314
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,839
We're not gonna say why.
315
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:31,599
Please, please,
Janets, I need this.
316
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,439
Aw, Robin!
317
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,159
Robin!
318
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:36,119
Oh, all right.
319
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,079
You get up here,
you horrible lot.
320
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,599
Come on.
321
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:46,439
Year 11, this
song is about you.
322
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,519
♪ 30 hopeless children
in a classroom ♪
323
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,159
♪ Such disappointments ♪
324
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,639
♪ 30 nasty, ugly
little children ♪
325
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,399
♪ What would they do without ♪
326
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:03,519
♪ Two busty ladies
showing them the way? ♪
327
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,639
♪ Showing them the way ♪
328
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,439
♪ 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪
329
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,079
♪ Two busty ladies
in the classroom ♪
330
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:14,759
♪ Two busty ladies with
shitty, shitty children ♪
331
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,959
♪ Two busty ladies
in a classroom ♪
332
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,119
Come here, girl.
333
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,759
Oh, God, I think we
got it wrong, yeah?
334
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,399
We should have stayed there.
335
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,679
Oh, no.
336
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,159
Right, listen up.
337
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,679
Welcome to your speed
awareness course.
338
00:17:58,680 --> 00:17:59,399
I'm Shannon.
339
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,479
I've done it all, seen it all.
340
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,399
And I'm not impressed
with naught.
341
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,439
You, tell me, why
did you speed?
342
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:11,839
Well, Pedro Pascal was
being interviewed by Greg
343
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,839
James on "BBC Radio One--"
344
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:14,839
Eh, let me guess.
345
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,799
Listening to that
age-appropriate fanny charmer,
346
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,599
you forgot yourself
and pedal touched carpet?
347
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,879
I couldn't help it.
348
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:24,879
He sounded naked.
349
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:28,639
Well, you might think
'cause this is the North,
350
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:33,599
that if you hit someone
with a car, it don't matter.
351
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,879
Well, you're wrong, all right?
352
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,799
Bang wrong.
353
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,879
You, bog brush.
354
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:40,759
Join me up here.
355
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,919
Come on, take wheel.
356
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:44,599
Right.
357
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,839
We are going to do
a little role play.
358
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,719
Picture the scene.
359
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:52,919
You're driving.
360
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,839
Your name is Martin.
361
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,599
And I am your passenger.
362
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,719
Street lamps zipping past.
363
00:18:58,720 --> 00:18:59,599
Uh, street lamps?
364
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,120
So that means it's
residential, so that's 30?
365
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:06,759
Good, but it's 2:00 AM
on bank holiday Monday.
366
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,639
Everybody's tucked up in bed.
367
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:12,679
Go on, Martin, speed.
368
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,039
Sorry?
369
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:14,999
Who are you meant to be?
370
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,599
Well, I'm your partner
of six weeks,
371
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,839
and the moonlight's making
me feel aroused, Martin.
372
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:24,839
Speed to the next lay by,
and let's do fake taxi style.
373
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,039
Speed, Martin!
374
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:26,959
Speed!
375
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,959
OK, ah!
376
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,120
Fail!
377
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,119
Sit down.
378
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,079
You told me to speed.
379
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:41,999
You, statins, get up here.
380
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,639
I shouldn't even be.
381
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,559
You should be allowed
to speed on Poppy Day.
382
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,879
Right, zip it.
383
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,559
Now, start driving.
384
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,639
We are on the ring road.
385
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:55,999
Everything's normal.
386
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,599
But oh, no!
387
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,079
Oh, sod!
388
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,879
I'm 9 and 1/2 months
prego with twins
389
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,119
and me water's just broke.
390
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,160
You-- well, I'll
call an ambulance.
391
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:05,879
No, it's too late, Martin.
392
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,919
Oh, I'm crowning.
393
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:08,959
I'm crowning!
394
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:12,479
Too wet heads are
touching the glove box.
395
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:13,999
Please speed to the hospital.
396
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,599
Step on it, you fertile
Latvian bastard.
397
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:18,759
Speed, Martin.
Speed!
398
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,039
All right.
I'm doing it.
399
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:21,999
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it.
400
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,719
Fail.
401
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,119
I hope you like prison food.
402
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:28,159
Sit down.
403
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:28,839
Sorry.
404
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,639
Why were both of those
men called Martin?
405
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,479
Next!
406
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:38,519
Eh, you, young lady, who almost
certainly owns a Fiat 500
407
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:43,719
with eyelashes on it.
408
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:44,839
Take your time.
409
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:45,519
Jesus.
410
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:50,159
Right, in this scenario, we
are driving back from hospital
411
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,599
with two healthy babies.
412
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:54,159
Right.
413
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,839
What kind of road is it?
414
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,159
Oh, shit, Martin.
415
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,719
I just got a BBC News alert.
416
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,999
Aliens have landed
in Meadowhall Shopping Center.
417
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:05,559
They've released a gas and it's
turning everybody mutant!
418
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,679
What does that have
to do with speeding?
419
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,159
The alien fog will
either make our babies
420
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,719
dyslexic or give 'em one eye.
421
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:17,999
In both scenarios, they're
gonna need extra time in exams.
422
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,039
Now drive around by the fog.
423
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,159
Speed, Martin!
424
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:21,959
Speed.
425
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:22,959
But I don't want to.
426
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,559
You want a Cyclops
baby, do you?
427
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,079
No!
Ah!
428
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:29,039
Fail.
429
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:29,919
Fail!
430
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:31,839
Fail, fail, fail.
431
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,439
You've all failed.
- Right.
432
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:34,759
You need to stop this.
433
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:35,759
Leave her alone.
434
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,079
These role plays are mental.
435
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,879
None of this would
happen in real life.
436
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,119
Mummy.
437
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:50,719
Yes, darling?
438
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,799
Are-- are-- are you
almost done with your class?
439
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,999
Me and my twin brother got
a six-hour exam to get to,
440
00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,919
and then we're
gonna see our dad.
441
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,039
He's called Martin.
442
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:07,879
And by the way,
he doesn't speed.
443
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:08,759
Think.
444
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:09,679
Don't speed.
445
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:14,079
Unless your baby
gonna be cyclops.
446
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,479
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
447
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:44,039
♪ Happy birthday
to the triplets ♪
448
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:49,199
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
449
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:50,879
Hey!
450
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,159
18 today.
451
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:53,199
Who would have thought it?
452
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,719
Gone in the blink
of an bloody eye.
453
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,079
Well done, love.
454
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,159
Well done, us.
455
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,079
Oh, gross.
456
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:00,919
Get a room.
457
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,399
Oh, God forbid a man
fancies his wife.
458
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,159
Right, come on, you lot.
459
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,839
Let's go to the pub, get
your first legal round in.
460
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,679
And your mum will have
a pint to pay now.
461
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,799
Actually, Paul,
I'm not coming.
462
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,439
Oh, not this again, Jill.
463
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,999
Tony knows it wasn't you
that's blocked the bog.
464
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:15,799
No, Paul.
465
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:20,119
I mean I'm not coming
anywhere ever again.
466
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,639
Is this about
them yogurts again?
467
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,159
I've told you
that Tesco Express
468
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,439
doesn't do Müller Corner.
469
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:26,159
It's not about
the yogurts, Paul.
470
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,119
Oh, come off it, Jill.
471
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:28,719
It's always about
the yogurts with you.
472
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,079
I said it's not
about the yogurt.
473
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:31,759
Right.
Harry, give me them car keys.
474
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,119
I'll go and get
your mum a yogurt.
475
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,959
It's not about the yogurt!
476
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,559
Mum, what's going on?
477
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:39,799
Oh my god, are
you leaving, Dad?
478
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,119
No, of course,
she's not leaving me.
479
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,199
You're not leaving me, are you?
480
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:43,599
I'm leaving you all.
481
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,639
You're 18 now.
482
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,199
My work here is done.
483
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:48,039
But, Mum.
484
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:51,159
I'm not your mum.
485
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:54,119
I'm--
486
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:57,599
Daniel Day-Lewis
preparing for a role.
487
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:58,200
You're what?
488
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,119
I'm two-time Academy Award
winner Daniel Day-Lewis.
489
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:03,399
And for the past
18 years, I've been
490
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,039
method acting as your mother.
491
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,079
Is this some sort of joke?
492
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:08,639
I never joke about
my craft, Eleanor.
493
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:09,759
This is insane.
494
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:10,879
Did you know about this?
495
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,079
I didn't have a clue.
496
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:12,999
What can I say?
497
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,119
He's bloody good.
498
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,439
Bless you, Paul,
you've opened my eyes
499
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:21,159
to so much beauty,
ginsters, Blossom Hill wine,
500
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,559
the concept of screwfix.
501
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,479
Oh, you're all right.
502
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:26,160
We've had a laugh, haven't
we Danny Day-Lewis?
503
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:27,479
Can I call you?
504
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,039
No.
505
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:29,959
You sounded just
like Jill then.
506
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:30,719
Hang on.
507
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,159
If you're our mum, how have
you still been in films?
508
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,919
Didn't you find it curious
my repeated six-month comas?
509
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,999
Or perhaps my Abraham
Lincoln phase.
510
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,519
Yeah, the sex
was good back then.
511
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:45,519
I'm confused.
512
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:46,679
Who gave birth to us?
513
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:47,999
A lovely lady named Debbie.
514
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:52,639
Last I heard, she was doing
set design on "Young Sheldon."
515
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:53,159
Whoa.
516
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,559
I've always felt such
an intense connection
517
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:56,479
to that show.
518
00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:02,879
My simple boy, loving you
has been my greatest challenge.
519
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:03,919
Thank you.
520
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,719
Sorry, it's my agent.
521
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,759
Hello?
522
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:09,439
Yes.
523
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,519
They gave it
to Reese Witherspoon?
524
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:12,039
Shit.
525
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,759
I've been living with
this ghastly family
526
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,039
for 18 years for that part.
527
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,719
Is there anything we can do?
528
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:22,399
I'll tell you what.
529
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:25,599
You can buy your mother
a pint of pinot.
530
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,519
I want to get wasted tonight.
531
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:32,719
Mum was so good
in "Phantom Thread."
532
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:43,439
Ladies and gentlemen,
the dreamy Myles Smith!
533
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:52,919
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
534
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,639
♪ Time stood still just
like a photograph ♪
535
00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:01,120
♪ You made me feel like
this would last forever ♪
536
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:05,039
♪ Looking in your eyes ♪
537
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:08,439
♪ I see my whole life ♪
538
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,119
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
539
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:16,079
♪ They say you know it when
you know it, and I know ♪
540
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,919
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
541
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:24,119
♪ Promise that you'll hold
me close, don't let me go ♪
542
00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:25,039
♪ Hey! ♪
543
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,479
♪ Take my heart,
don't break it ♪
544
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:32,879
♪ Love me to my bones ♪
545
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:36,639
♪ All this time I've wasted ♪
546
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:40,879
♪ You were right
there all along ♪
547
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:44,759
♪ You and I stargazing ♪
548
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:48,559
♪ Intertwining souls ♪
549
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:52,079
♪ We were never strangers ♪
550
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:56,559
♪ You were right
there all along ♪
551
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:57,079
♪ Hey! ♪
552
00:26:57,080 --> 00:26:58,959
♪ And I lose my mind ♪
553
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:02,559
♪ When I'm around you,
how I come alive ♪
554
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:07,759
♪ When I'm without you, I
can't help but feel so lost ♪
555
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:12,119
♪ I wanna give
you all I've got ♪
556
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:15,079
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
557
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:19,919
♪ They say you know it when
you know it, and I know ♪
558
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,039
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
559
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:27,879
♪ Promise that you'll hold
me close, don't let me go ♪
560
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:28,959
♪ Hey! ♪
561
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,799
♪ Take my heart,
don't break it ♪
562
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:36,799
♪ Love me to my bones ♪
563
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,559
♪ All this time I've wasted ♪
564
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:44,719
♪ You were right
there all along ♪
565
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:48,679
♪ You and I stargazing ♪
566
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:52,160
♪ Intertwining souls ♪
567
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,999
♪ We were never strangers ♪
568
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:59,559
♪ You were right
there all along ♪
569
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,839
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
570
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,799
♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪
571
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,079
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
572
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:07,879
♪ All along ♪
573
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:09,799
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
574
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:11,439
♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪
575
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:15,519
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
576
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:19,559
♪ Take my heart,
don't break it ♪
577
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:23,119
♪ Love me to my bones ♪
578
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:26,919
♪ All this time I've wasted ♪
579
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:30,919
♪ You were right
there all along ♪
580
00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:16,599
@ - It's "Weekend Update" withú
Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.
581
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,119
Good evening, and welcome
to "Weekend Update."
582
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:19,959
I'm Paddy Young.
583
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,119
And I'm Ania Magliano.
584
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:26,839
This week's local elections
were a disaster for Prime
585
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,119
Minister Keir Starmer,
seen here voting
586
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:33,119
Reform as the Labour
Party suffered
587
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:34,919
their worst defeat in decades.
588
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:39,719
In England, Reform UK won
just over 1,400 seats.
589
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,999
Of course, the rise
of Reform might seem scary
590
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,959
if you're an economic
migrant, or a refugee,
591
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:48,679
or under 80 years old, trans,
not privately educated,
592
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:52,519
in any way disabled, someone
who uses the NHS, a woman,
593
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:54,599
not white, in a care
home, someone who
594
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:55,679
doesn't like being upskirted.
595
00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:59,119
But for the remaining one guy
who actually lives in Thailand,
596
00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:05,079
it's gonna be great.
597
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:06,959
Now, if these local
election results
598
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:09,879
were to be carried over to
the general election in three
599
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:14,759
years' time, there would, of
course, be a significant impact
600
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:18,799
as my body hits the pavement.
601
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:20,839
Now, a lot
of young people are
602
00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,599
worried that the continuing
success of Reform
603
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:24,799
will affect their future.
604
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:29,519
But you have to remember,
you're already fucked.
605
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:37,039
With the left and the right
making massive gains,
606
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,559
it was a huge clash
of cultures at the polls.
607
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:46,479
Reform versus the Greens,
bald men versus bald women.
608
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,919
Yes, it was a great
night for the Greens,
609
00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:51,599
despite leader
Zack Polanski being
610
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,999
criticized for falsely
claiming he'd been
611
00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:55,999
a spokesman for the Red Cross.
612
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,999
But who hasn't
lied on their CV?
613
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:00,639
I'd still be
a doctor if I hadn't
614
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:05,639
prescribed kissing it better.
615
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:10,039
Already in-- already
in the past few hours,
616
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:13,519
Labour MP Catherine West
has threatened to trigger
617
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:14,919
a leadership contest.
618
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:16,879
Even if Keir
Starmer does resign,
619
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,159
he is expected
to remain very much
620
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:26,719
in the public eye as a senior
mannequin in John Lewis.
621
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,959
Following the calls
for Keir Starmer to resign,
622
00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:32,599
cabinet minister Steve Reed
has warned Labour against,
623
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,839
quote, "doom scrolling through
leaders like the Tories did."
624
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:38,200
Well, Steve Reed,
you don't know
625
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:42,559
what doom scrolling is,
but I don't know who you are,
626
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,079
so one-all.
627
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:49,519
By some estimates, Labour's
vote share plummeted to 15%,
628
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,959
which is being blamed
on Starmer's toxic image.
629
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:53,839
I don't know why.
630
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:55,559
As far as dead-eyed,
self-serving,
631
00:31:55,560 --> 00:32:03,439
nonce-collecting cowards
go, he's quite likeable.
632
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,759
The army of new
Reform counselors
633
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:09,160
have vowed to get
started straight
634
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:12,959
away, leaving no
flag unshagged.
635
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,439
One of the big features
of this election
636
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,519
has been the emergence
of the shy Reform voter.
637
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,719
And hold on, I think
we have one here now.
638
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:27,159
Ooh!
639
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:28,839
Stop it, I'm shy.
640
00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:29,639
Oh!
641
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:33,119
Not me voting
for Reform, by the way.
642
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:33,999
Stop the boats.
643
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:34,919
Did I just say that?
644
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,199
Oh my god, stop looking at me!
645
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:38,759
Take back control.
646
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:40,199
What am I like?
647
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:48,039
Al Nash appearing
as himself, everybody!
648
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:50,119
Put on your masks,
lock down your gran,
649
00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:52,639
and stop spitting
in each other's mouths.
650
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:56,199
There's a new virus in town!
651
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:59,079
Yes, a cruise ship has
been unable to dock
652
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:01,639
after being hit
by an outbreak of hantavirus,
653
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:06,719
which is spread in the feces
and urine of rats.
654
00:33:06,720 --> 00:33:08,679
The situation was
described as deeply
655
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,719
stressful by Foreign
Secretary Yvette Cooper, and
656
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:16,599
the ultimate party
boat by a big rat.
657
00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:18,919
Now, the virus
may have also been
658
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:22,519
spread through
intimate sexual contact
659
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:24,879
between humans and rats.
660
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:28,439
That's according to me.
661
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:31,679
Earlier this week, the
extravagant, celebrity-filled
662
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:33,119
Met Gala was held in New York.
663
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:38,519
This year's theme was people
you'd like to see exploded.
664
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,599
As usual, the Met
Gala featured
665
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,879
a lot of high-concept outfits.
666
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:43,799
Beyoncé looked amazing.
667
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:47,599
Someone's made the most of the
Claire's closing-down sale.
668
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:52,639
And Katy Perry wore
an eerie, mirrored mask
669
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:54,919
covering her whole
face, symbolizing
670
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:58,559
what it's like to live
life as a stupid moron.
671
00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:06,799
Nearly half of singles
say that dating
672
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:10,799
is no longer affordable due
to the rising cost of living.
673
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:15,519
Here to comment, it's our
dating correspondent, Scrimpch.
674
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:24,160
ú - I'm Scrimpch, dating expert.
675
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:25,759
I've been on seven
dates, and I'm
676
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:27,639
probably going to go on more.
677
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:36,039
Well, I hear you have dating
tips for when money's tight.
678
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:42,519
I do because I know it can be
hard out there for a Scrimpch.
679
00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:43,119
Let's go.
680
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,599
Tip one, don't spend
money, make money.
681
00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:47,159
Take your date
to a wishing well.
682
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:49,439
There's pennies in there.
683
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:54,039
OK.
684
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:59,199
Tip two-- on a date,
always sing your truth.
685
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,079
♪ My name is Scrimpch ♪
686
00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:02,479
♪ Your name is Lady ♪
687
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:07,079
♪ This is the case
of Lady and the Scrimpch ♪
688
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:08,119
♪ Can I guess your BMI? ♪
689
00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:10,519
♪ It doesn't matter
if it's low or high ♪
690
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:11,639
♪ I just love guessing BMIs ♪
691
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:15,959
♪ And please, may
I use your phone? ♪
692
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:24,799
Sorry.
693
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:25,639
So sorry.
694
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:27,879
Where are you from?
695
00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:30,159
Well, I came here from
Europe on a school trip,
696
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:32,439
and they forgot me.
It's OK.
697
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:33,439
It's OK!
698
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:34,679
It's OK.
699
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,919
Never feel sorry for Scrimpch.
700
00:35:37,920 --> 00:35:40,039
He doesn't need
to know his age.
701
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,519
Everybody say Scrimpch.
702
00:35:43,720 --> 00:35:45,759
Sorry, it's
pronounced Scrimpch?
703
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:49,639
Tip nine-- keep
a date short and sweet.
704
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:53,679
At the 50-minute mark, say
ew, there's ants in here,
705
00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:54,839
and I got to go.
706
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:04,799
If in doubt, sing again.
707
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:06,679
♪ Feel the rain
on your Scrimpch ♪
708
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,959
♪ No one else can
feel it for you ♪
709
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:12,879
♪ Because they are
not called Scrimpch ♪
710
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:22,799
OK.
711
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:23,719
What's happening?
712
00:36:23,720 --> 00:36:28,119
Tip 17-- being
interesting is free.
713
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:32,919
♪ My favorite sound is
an elephant's trunk ♪
714
00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:34,439
♪ It is so charming to me ♪
715
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,439
♪ The way that
elephants grieve ♪
716
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:37,759
♪ I wish my mother grieved ♪
717
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:40,799
♪ But she never looked for me ♪
718
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:42,839
Right, OK, I think I get it.
719
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:44,839
Listen, life
is a school trip.
720
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:48,160
Sometimes you get
left behind forever.
721
00:36:48,400 --> 00:36:50,079
So go and kiss
a girl on the neck.
722
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:53,159
Ladies and gentlemen,
once again, Scrimpch.
723
00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:00,079
Oh.
724
00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:04,679
A member of Donald
Trump's security detail,
725
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,799
has been placed on leave
after allegedly masturbating
726
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,599
publicly in a hotel
corridor close to where
727
00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:11,479
Trump was staying.
728
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,919
The President was rushed
to safety as soon as they
729
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:19,679
heard the sound of cum shots.
730
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:23,679
On Tuesday--
on Tuesday, the trailer
731
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:25,919
for Christopher
Nolan's adaptation
732
00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,479
of "The Odyssey" was released.
733
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,599
It's an epic tale about one
person's desperate desire
734
00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:32,159
to return home
and is loosely based
735
00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:41,639
on how I feel when men talk
to me about Christopher Nolan.
736
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:42,999
Blackpool's
famous trams museum
737
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:52,639
is shutting in yet another
blow for the trams community.
738
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:55,719
Television--
we'll edit that out.
739
00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:58,719
Television personality Scarlett
Moffatt has revealed that
740
00:37:58,720 --> 00:38:01,799
during her time on "I'm
a Celebrity," she actually
741
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:03,559
enjoyed eating camel penis.
742
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:07,479
And for those of you interested
in showbiz jargon, in TV,
743
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:11,999
we call eating
a penis auditioning.
744
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,679
It's been revealed that the
most-sent text in the UK is I
745
00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:18,399
love you, according
to the results of a poll
746
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:27,959
my dad did not take part in.
747
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:30,639
New government regulations
could mean that fruit yogurts
748
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,079
will be classed as junk food.
749
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:33,839
OK, great.
750
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:41,719
I guess I'll have to find
other healthier types of lube.
751
00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:46,079
In Italy, new legislation is
being introduced that will
752
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:48,159
ban the selling of horse meat.
753
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:48,839
Hmm.
754
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:50,079
Last summer I
went to Italy, but
755
00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:53,519
all I ate was pizza--
a piece of this horse,
756
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:57,479
a piece of that horse.
757
00:38:57,480 --> 00:38:59,679
Meanwhile, in Burnley,
a devastating fire
758
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:03,919
at the Warburtons bread factory
has caused an estimated 2 and
759
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:11,519
1/2 million pounds of toast.
760
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:14,439
And now, in traffic
news, a lorry
761
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,519
carrying 20 tons
of Prosecco has
762
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:18,999
crashed on the M4,
spilling wine
763
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:20,799
across all three
westbound lanes.
764
00:39:20,800 --> 00:39:24,839
The next morning, the M4 woke
up with a terrible hangover
765
00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:28,119
in bed with the M25.
766
00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:29,079
And then, get this.
767
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:32,039
The A406 bursts in and is
like, oh, my God,
768
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:33,079
I thought we were exclusive.
769
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:35,719
And then the M4 starts
crying, and he's like, I don't
770
00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:36,799
know what's wrong with me.
771
00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:37,759
I must have a problem.
772
00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:38,999
And then the A406
is like, I just
773
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,599
can't do this anymore-- storms
out, and now none of them
774
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:42,399
are talking.
775
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:45,159
And that's the traffic news.
776
00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:52,399
Sir David Attenborough
turned 100 yesterday.
777
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:57,519
In celebration of his
milestone birthday,
778
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,639
London Zoo have told him he's
finally allowed to choose
779
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:06,839
and make love to one animal.
780
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:09,999
And now, here to celebrate
the world's greatest
781
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:15,559
nature documentarian is one of
his oldest colleagues, a rhino.
782
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:21,839
Thank you, Ania.
783
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:22,639
I'm a rhino.
784
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:26,839
And I'm here to say,
Attenborough, you're a bitch.
785
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:27,759
Whoa!
What?
786
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:30,599
@ - Yeah, that sicko's beenú
making a living out of filming
787
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:32,599
my people for 80 years.
788
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:34,479
None of us ever
signed a waiver.
789
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:35,479
ú None of us ever got paid!
790
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,679
Meanwhile, he gets
a knighthood for broadcasting
791
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:40,519
footage of my mom getting
shot by a poacher.
792
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:41,519
OK, but--
793
00:40:41,520 --> 00:40:43,079
Attenborough!
794
00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:44,759
I call you out.
795
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:47,039
I'll meet you any
time, any place
796
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:50,159
to settle this, mano a rhino.
797
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:52,919
What's this?
798
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:53,999
Oh, my God.
799
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:54,959
Can it be?
800
00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:59,039
Sir David Attenborough!
801
00:40:59,040 --> 00:40:59,999
He's here!
802
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:07,679
There are only 27,000
rhinos left in the wild.
803
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:16,159
And when I'm through with this
bitch, there'll only be 26,999!
804
00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:18,039
Unprecedented scenes.
805
00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:21,039
Oh, my God!
806
00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:24,599
The greatest brain alive
is coming for the rhino.
807
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:25,599
Oh, he's coming over.
808
00:41:25,600 --> 00:41:28,199
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
809
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:29,079
Oh.
810
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:29,919
Oh, my gosh!
811
00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:32,639
David Attenborough,
who's going for the back.
812
00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:33,839
The rhinos's gone.
813
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:36,999
They're taking
it off the desk.
814
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:39,679
Attenborough's
going in for the kill.
815
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:40,799
Come on!
Yeah, yeah.
816
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,679
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
817
00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:43,799
Full nelson!
818
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:44,799
But wait.
819
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:45,599
What's this?
820
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:47,679
The big cats are here--
here to finish the job.
821
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,479
I've never seen
anything like it.
822
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:55,159
Oh, Attenborough's
downed the lion.
823
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:56,559
Oh.
824
00:41:56,560 --> 00:41:57,479
That's the tiger gone.
825
00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:59,399
My God, I've never
seen anything like this
826
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:00,919
in all of "Weekend Update."
827
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:02,439
No, no, no!
828
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:03,079
No!
829
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:04,719
Not the chokeslam!
830
00:42:04,720 --> 00:42:07,559
There we have it,
ladies and gentlemen!
831
00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:08,479
Attenborough's done it!
832
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:13,919
100 years and still Undisputed
Champion of the Natural World,
833
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:19,679
David Attenborough!
834
00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:21,959
For Weekend Update,
I'm Paddy Young.
835
00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:23,479
And I'm Ania Magliano.
836
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:24,439
Good night!
837
00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:58,639
What about these ones, love?
838
00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:01,679
Oh, I know nothing
about running shoes.
839
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:04,679
There must be a shop
assistant somewhere.
840
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:05,919
Oh, here he comes.
841
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:07,039
Look.
842
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:14,159
Oh, god.
843
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:15,039
Hi, guys.
844
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:16,160
Welcome to Foot Locker.
845
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,479
How can I help?
846
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:22,479
Holy shit!
847
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:23,799
Christine?
848
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:24,719
It's Phantom.
849
00:43:24,720 --> 00:43:26,519
Phantom of the Opera.
850
00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:28,439
Yeah, I know.
851
00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:30,479
- Who's this, Christine?
- Hello, mate.
852
00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:31,159
Sorry.
853
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:31,999
Eric Phantom.
854
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:33,759
Some people call me
the angel of music.
855
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:34,759
Hey, Christine.
856
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:36,559
Is this your brother?
857
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:37,679
What's the relationship here?
858
00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:39,719
No, this is-- this
is James, my husband.
859
00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:42,999
And that's our little
one over there, Daisy.
860
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:43,719
Oh.
861
00:43:43,720 --> 00:43:45,119
Eric and I just
used to work together.
862
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:47,439
Well, it was a bit more
than that, wasn't it?
863
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:49,039
OK.
864
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:50,559
He was my singing teacher.
865
00:43:51,840 --> 00:43:52,519
No, no.
866
00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:54,119
We were absolutely dating, so.
867
00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:56,159
Sorry, sorry,
singing teacher?
868
00:43:56,160 --> 00:43:57,079
I didn't know you sang.
869
00:43:57,080 --> 00:44:01,959
Yes, I-- I was a professional
singer of opera in France.
870
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,679
You were a professional
opera singer in France?
871
00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:07,559
That's the first
I've heard of it.
872
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:09,759
Ooh, trouble in paradise.
873
00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:11,559
Why don't you
and Daisy go and
874
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:13,599
look at the football shirts?
875
00:44:13,600 --> 00:44:14,119
OK.
876
00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,160
Well, you're not gonna reignite
your love through the medium
877
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:17,519
of song, are you?
878
00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:19,159
God, no!
879
00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:20,039
Imagine that.
880
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:21,799
Oh, well, all right.
881
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:24,039
That's a relief.
882
00:44:24,840 --> 00:44:29,119
♪ I have waited
for this day ♪
883
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:33,679
♪ That my ingenue might
need a pair of shoes ♪
884
00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:34,559
Eric, don't!
885
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:35,879
Yeah, understood.
886
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:36,759
Get over it.
887
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:38,039
Move on, Phantom!
888
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,119
Oh!
889
00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:39,879
OK.
890
00:44:39,880 --> 00:44:41,519
So still a size 7?
891
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:42,160
Oh, I think so.
892
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:44,160
Changes from brand to brand.
893
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:45,759
Yeah, that's
a common problem that.
894
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:50,079
Well, perhaps we should
get you measured?
895
00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:53,919
Measured?
896
00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:56,839
♪ Measure me ♪
897
00:44:56,840 --> 00:44:59,079
♪ Measure me fondly ♪
898
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:03,639
♪ Try to find my size ♪
899
00:45:03,640 --> 00:45:05,479
♪ Examine me ♪
900
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:05,999
Yep!
901
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:08,119
Still a very sexual size 7, OK.
902
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:11,599
Um, so do you prefer
slip-ons or lace-ups?
903
00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:13,879
Oh, lace-ups, I think.
904
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:15,799
The lady likes them laced.
905
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:16,519
OK.
906
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:20,599
So in terms of running
shoes, we have
907
00:45:20,600 --> 00:45:22,399
your Adidas, your Solomons.
908
00:45:22,400 --> 00:45:24,799
I actually would
recommend these.
909
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:31,160
♪ Slide your foot in ♪
910
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:35,599
♪ With anticipation ♪
911
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:39,559
♪ Tie the laces ♪
912
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:43,759
♪ Tightening sensation ♪
913
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:46,839
♪ Let your feelings grow ♪
914
00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:50,959
♪ As I press upon the toe ♪
915
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:55,079
♪ I am here to sell you shoes ♪
916
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:57,839
♪ That you might like ♪
917
00:45:57,840 --> 00:46:04,479
♪ By singing you
the music of the Nike ♪
918
00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:07,559
♪ Let your mind-- ♪
919
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:08,479
Eric!
920
00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:09,879
Eric, no!
921
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:11,399
I'm sorry!
922
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:12,959
Look, I'm married.
923
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:15,039
Eric, I have a child.
924
00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:17,759
Also, not to be
a total bitch about it,
925
00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:20,160
but you did kidnap me,
and kill all those people,
926
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:22,479
and burn down that opera house.
927
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:22,959
Oh.
928
00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:24,599
God, you burn down
one opera house,
929
00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:27,119
you never hear
the bloody end of it.
930
00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:29,439
Come on, Daisy.
931
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:31,919
No!
932
00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:34,039
We're off to Sports Direct.
933
00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:34,999
No!
934
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:40,479
♪ It's all over now ♪
935
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:47,079
♪ The music of the night ♪
936
00:46:53,760 --> 00:46:57,679
Once again, Mr. Myles Smith.
937
00:47:02,720 --> 00:47:06,039
♪ We dream of jet planes ♪
938
00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:11,679
♪ Freedom, trying
to find escape ♪
939
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:17,439
♪ From heartache ♪
940
00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:20,679
♪ Too young to feel cold ♪
941
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:26,399
♪ Seeing you warms
me up inside ♪
942
00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:29,160
♪ Just your face ♪
943
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:35,799
♪ Safe in your arms
I can't forget ♪
944
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:42,919
♪ You save me from
the demons in my head ♪
945
00:47:42,920 --> 00:47:46,519
♪ I keep running
in circles now ♪
946
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:50,159
♪ I've been losing
myself somehow ♪
947
00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:57,439
♪ Won't you hold
me in the dark ♪
948
00:47:57,440 --> 00:48:00,919
♪ Yeah, I'm running
in circles now ♪
949
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:04,759
♪ I've been losing
myself somehow ♪
950
00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:13,839
♪ Won't you hold
me in the dark ♪
951
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:16,799
♪ Long roads ahead ♪
952
00:48:16,800 --> 00:48:22,879
♪ But I know we'll
make it in the end, ♪
953
00:48:22,880 --> 00:48:28,039
♪ Make it in the end ♪
954
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:31,519
♪ And I've tried running ♪
955
00:48:31,520 --> 00:48:37,159
♪ But only you
can fix my soul ♪
956
00:48:37,160 --> 00:48:41,079
♪ So take me home ♪
957
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:44,679
♪ I keep running
in circles now ♪
958
00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:48,519
♪ I've been losing
myself somehow ♪
959
00:48:48,520 --> 00:48:55,599
♪ Won't you hold
me in the dark ♪
960
00:48:55,600 --> 00:48:58,879
♪ Yeah, I'm running
in circles now ♪
961
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:02,919
♪ I've been losing
myself somehow ♪
962
00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:10,399
♪ Won't you hold
me in the dark ♪
963
00:49:10,400 --> 00:49:11,119
♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪
964
00:49:11,120 --> 00:49:13,759
♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh ♪
965
00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:15,599
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
966
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:17,559
♪ Oh-oh, oh ♪
967
00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:32,119
♪ Won't you hold
me in the dark ♪
968
00:49:32,120 --> 00:49:34,519
♪ Here in your arms ♪
969
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:39,120
♪ That is where I lay my head ♪
970
00:49:39,360 --> 00:49:42,839
♪ I keep running
in circles now ♪
971
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:46,639
♪ I've been losing
myself somehow ♪
972
00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:53,799
♪ Won't you hold
me in the dark ♪
973
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:57,479
♪ And I'm running
in circles now ♪
974
00:49:57,480 --> 00:50:01,079
♪ I've been losing
myself somehow ♪
975
00:50:01,080 --> 00:50:09,519
♪ Won't you hold
me in the dark ♪
976
00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:48,199
I am having such a nice time!
977
00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:48,999
Me too!
978
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:50,519
There's just something
about my mood.
979
00:50:50,520 --> 00:50:52,599
I just-- I can't explain it.
980
00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:55,879
I can.
981
00:50:55,880 --> 00:50:57,839
Take it away, maestro.
982
00:50:59,800 --> 00:51:03,759
♪ I feel so good now ♪
983
00:51:03,760 --> 00:51:05,759
♪ Truly at ease ♪
984
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:07,679
♪ I'm having a great hair day ♪
985
00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:11,959
♪ And past mistakes
aren't weighing on me ♪
986
00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:16,039
♪ I'm not stressed
about my mother ♪
987
00:51:16,040 --> 00:51:18,759
♪ Or paying off my Klarna ♪
988
00:51:18,760 --> 00:51:19,919
♪ And at the end of the day ♪
989
00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:23,159
♪ I'm actually happy
for my ex who is fully gay ♪
990
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:28,999
♪ A guy is talking at length
about an app he designed ♪
991
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:31,079
♪ And I don't even mind ♪
992
00:51:31,080 --> 00:51:32,759
♪ How the stars aligned ♪
993
00:51:32,760 --> 00:51:34,639
♪ Am I nailing my life? ♪
994
00:51:34,640 --> 00:51:39,639
♪ No, I've simply had
two glasses of wine ♪
995
00:51:39,640 --> 00:51:41,799
♪ Two glasses tonight ♪
996
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:43,200
♪ That's all it takes ♪
997
00:51:43,440 --> 00:51:45,079
♪ Two glasses of wine ♪
998
00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:48,719
♪ So I'm loving I
can legally drive ♪
999
00:51:48,720 --> 00:52:01,639
♪ I'm suddenly fluent with
my conversational German ♪
1000
00:52:01,640 --> 00:52:03,599
♪ Best I've felt all year ♪
1001
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:06,919
♪ Starting to think white
boys are a good idea ♪
1002
00:52:06,920 --> 00:52:09,759
♪ I'm trying somebody's
sunglasses on ♪
1003
00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:11,079
♪ It's definitely charming ♪
1004
00:52:11,080 --> 00:52:12,919
♪ I'm sorry I dropped them ♪
1005
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:15,160
♪ I just
remembered someone I ♪
1006
00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:17,879
♪ went to school
with who died ♪
1007
00:52:17,880 --> 00:52:19,439
♪ I'm sending story replies ♪
1008
00:52:19,440 --> 00:52:21,639
♪ Replaying
my parents' divorce ♪
1009
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:23,919
♪ Why am I having
these thoughts ♪
1010
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:25,959
♪ Oh, yeah, 'cause I've had ♪
1011
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:29,119
♪ Three glasses of wine ♪
1012
00:52:29,120 --> 00:52:31,079
♪ We're pushing it now ♪
1013
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:32,159
♪ I should tap out ♪
1014
00:52:32,160 --> 00:52:34,199
♪ Three glasses of wine ♪
1015
00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:38,439
♪ 'cause my reflection
is bringing me down ♪
1016
00:52:38,440 --> 00:52:42,439
♪ Too much wine ♪
1017
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:44,159
♪ Oh, no ♪
1018
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:46,439
♪ And I'm angry
about something ♪
1019
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:51,479
♪ But I can't remember
what the thing is ♪
1020
00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:58,999
Oh, come on, it's jazz
1021
00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:00,959
Oggy, Oggy, Oggy!
1022
00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:02,479
Oi, oi, oi!
1023
00:53:02,480 --> 00:53:02,959
Yeah.
1024
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:04,679
That's the fourth wall.
1025
00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:05,519
Yeah.
1026
00:53:05,520 --> 00:53:09,799
My apologies
to the fourth wall.
1027
00:53:09,800 --> 00:53:11,119
Oh, come on, mate!
1028
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:14,919
Don't film me.
1029
00:53:14,920 --> 00:53:18,479
Well, well, well,
what do we have here?
1030
00:53:18,480 --> 00:53:23,439
Listen, my dressing room is
right next to Hammed's, yeah.
1031
00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:30,519
And it's soundproofed.
1032
00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:31,639
It sounds good.
1033
00:53:33,800 --> 00:53:35,439
OK, I'll see you later.
Whoa!
1034
00:53:35,440 --> 00:53:35,959
Whoa!
1035
00:53:35,960 --> 00:53:37,439
Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
1036
00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:39,079
Oh!
No!
1037
00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:39,959
Ooh!
1038
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:43,999
Hold on.
1039
00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:44,959
Oh, I'm sorry.
1040
00:53:44,960 --> 00:53:45,759
I'm so sorry.
1041
00:53:45,760 --> 00:53:47,839
No, it's-- I'm gonna be--
1042
00:53:47,840 --> 00:53:49,079
I'm gonna throw up.
1043
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:52,559
Why is she so drunk?
1044
00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:54,519
I thought you only
had three wines.
1045
00:53:54,520 --> 00:53:57,199
Yeah, and eight margaritas.
1046
00:53:57,200 --> 00:53:58,479
Oh, god.
1047
00:53:58,480 --> 00:53:58,959
Great.
1048
00:53:58,960 --> 00:54:00,879
♪ And I was also
a little bit sick ♪
1049
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:04,719
♪ So now I feel
totally electric ♪
1050
00:54:04,720 --> 00:54:05,759
♪ I'm so drunk ♪
1051
00:54:05,760 --> 00:54:07,160
♪ I've gone full circle ♪
1052
00:54:07,360 --> 00:54:09,399
♪ And I feel good again ♪
1053
00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:10,399
♪ Riding the wine wave ♪
1054
00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:13,159
♪ It's hard to know how
many drinks are enough ♪
1055
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:14,839
♪ For some people it's four ♪
1056
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:17,039
♪ Some people it's none ♪
1057
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:23,519
♪ It's different for everyone ♪
1058
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:27,479
♪ It can take a lifetime ♪
1059
00:54:27,480 --> 00:54:29,759
♪ To know just how much ♪
1060
00:54:29,760 --> 00:54:34,719
♪ Is the right amount of ♪
1061
00:54:34,720 --> 00:54:37,039
♪ - Wi-- ♪
- No, that's the wrong.
1062
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:40,759
♪ - Wine-- ♪
1063
00:54:40,760 --> 00:54:48,559
♪ Wine ♪
1064
00:55:04,480 --> 00:55:08,679
My thanks to Myles Smith,
Peter Serafinowicz, and
1065
00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:12,759
the hugest thanks to this
ridiculously phenomenal cast,
1066
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:16,999
writers, and everyone working
on the show for making
1067
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:18,599
this such a great week!
1068
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:22,159
It is my total honor
to host "SNL UK."
1069
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:27,160
And to my little girl, thank
you for letting me be here.
1070
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:29,119
I'm coming home.
1071
00:55:29,120 --> 00:55:30,119
Good night.
1072
00:55:30,120 --> 00:55:30,999
Good night!
74442
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