Original subtitles

Downing Street, May 9, 2046.

Hello, Nigel Farage here.

I hope this Cameo finds you well.

I hear from a friend of yours that it's your special day.

120 years old.

Well, doesn't time fly, uh Sir David Attenborough?

Have a pint on me.

And, hey--

I think I'll join you.

Ah.

I love being prime minister.

Good morning, sir!

Kemi Badenoch, my trusted deputy, here with my Yorkie bar

and morning briefing. - Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

Big news days, Prime Minister.

Thanks to our deportations, the population of London

is finally down to single figures.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha. - Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ah, excellent, excellent.

Less strain on our resources.

Exactly.

And one last thing, King Trump assures us,

he's almost negotiated a ceasefire

over the Strait of Hormuz.

Ah.

Oh, that's a lovely photo.

Mm, mm, mm.

More?

Mm.

Ah. Phew.

For a minute there, it felt like we were

on the brink of World War IV.

Mm.

Ah!

You know, Kemi, we make quite a team,

you and I. We disagree on everything very,

very, very slightly.

Yes.

Ever since our parties merged, we've

been unstoppable, just like the hantavirus turned out to be.

Oh, is that the time?

Come on, we're late for the straight pride parade.

Of course!

Oh, let's see what the weather's saying.

Oh, looks a bit chilly.

Summer comes around early every year.

Sir Keir!

Sir Keir, we've arrived.

I told you that time machine would work.

So this is really the future, Angela?

2046, to be precise.

Look, today's paper.

But, but, but--

oh, crumbs.

Farage has been PM this whole time.

And look at this, "SNL UK" renewed--

for series 3.

Wow, big delay.

Yeah, series 2 must have been rough.

But why have you brought me here?

You'll remember the 7th of May, 2026,

the local council elections.

I'm not totally sure what those are, to be honest.

No one is, but the results speak for themselves.

If you don't do the honorable thing,

this future will come to pass.

I see what you're getting at, Big Ange.

If my days really are numbered, then I

should seize every moment, enjoy

every day as prime minister, because I've

only got three years left.

Thank you for this wonderful lesson.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

I'm trying to tell you to stand aside and let me take

charge of the government and--

Oh, silly me.

I forgot my legal gun.

Hang on a minute.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm the blubbing prime minister.

Uh, uh, excuse me.

Uh, no, I am.

I'm the Big Chungus of this great United Kingdom of England

and the middle part of Wales.

Uh, security, seize them!

We deported the security.

Ah, excellent.

Yes!

Here, we have to go.

The prime ministerial time portal

is gonna close any second.

Wait, what?

Didn't you know?

This secret compartment allows the prime minister

to travel through time.

Yes!

Greetings.

I have come to--

oh, sorry.

Do you ever walk into a room and completely forget

what you've gone in there for?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Meep, meep.

Oh, wait.

That was it.

Live from London, it's "Saturday Night!"

It's "Saturday Night Live."

With Hammed Animashaun.

Ayoade Bamgboye.

Larry Dean.

Celese Dring.

George Fouracres.

Ania Magliano.

Annabel Marlow.

Al Nash.

Jack Shep.

Emma Sidi.

Paddy Young.

Musical guest, Myles Smith.

And your host, Hannah Waddingham.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Waddingham!

Hello!

I am disproportionately excited to be here, hosting

"Saturday Night Live UK"!

Oh, hang on a minute.

Sorry, guys.

Um, something's wrong.

Boys are you-- thank you.

Oh, oh, oh, god.

That's better.

Honestly, two minutes out of high heels, and my feet

really start hurting.

Ah, thank you chaps, Larry, Jack.

It is so amazing to finally be here, at "SNL UK."

It reminds me so much of my beloved "Ted Lasso."

Brits and Americans working together, the team spirit,

the communal showers afterwards, I mean,

that was surprising and excellent.

Brett Goldstein is a very hairy man.

I mean, he really is.

Now I have played my fair share of glamorous characters

in my career.

Here are some of my particularly

attractive early roles.

Mm.

Yep.

And of course, from "Game of Thrones," my sexy little

turn as the "shame" nun.

Oh, yeah, where I looked like I'd been dug up

and then my face needed ironing.

But there are so many parts, guys,

that I've never been considered for that I'd

really love to play.

What about the male cab driver from Belfast

who gives surprisingly good romantic advice?

He violated your identity, sweetheart.

Now put your big girl pants on and remember, you are a queen.

Here's your stop.

Or a character I'd just like to call Debbie.

Ooh, I'm so sorry, Officer.

I'm Debbie.

I've been a very, very bad girl.

But what has Debbie done?

We never find out.

And, of course, the part that I think I was born to play,

perhaps the sexiest character from the "Star Wars" universe.

You see?

Range, range.

Now listen up.

I have been watching this cast absolutely kill it every week,

and I am so excited to be part of the gang tonight.

We have got a great show coming up for you, including music

from the fabulous Myles Smith.

And I can't believe I'm actually

getting to say this finally.

Stick around and watch this!

Jason Bentley, you are a menace to society.

I didn't do it, Your Honor.

You're going down for a very long time.

Not so fast!

You may have read him his rights, Your Honor.

But we're red and right.

"Sunburnt Lawyers"--

Oh, Jesus.

Is that Melissa?

a searing new legal drama on Alibi.

I don't want to hear any goddamn excuses!

Just stop falling asleep on beaches!

Once it's peeled, it'll go brown.

It never does!

You're so jealous.

You look mental!

A wise man once said, if you are

neutral in situations of injustice,

then you have chosen the side of the oppressor.

[bleep] off, [bleep] off, [bleep] off.

don't. No, I'm not wearing that.

It's scratchy.

No, don't.

Don't touch me with that wig, 'cause I will scream.

You've heard of "Law & Order."

It's good, isn't it?

But this is something different.

So is your lawyer gonna sit down?

I'm scared of what it might feel like.

Even my arse is burnt to a crisp.

Carry on.

They're good lawyers, don't get me wrong.

They're just really, really sunburnt.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, our client is innocent.

And we ask of you, does anyone have any sour cream?

Because we have read that that can help.

Anyone?

With all the emotional stakes you'd expect--

My skin feels like the sound of bees.

Ah!

Ah, ah!

They're lawyers.

They're sunburnt.

It's really-- it's really that simple.

She was the love of my life.

I'd never lay a finger on her.

Ah.

What?

Ooh.

Sorry.

And get this.

Somehow, the sunburn always helps them win the case.

Ah!

Ha.

You see, Your Honor?

The fingerprints are not a match.

Not guilty!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

"Sunburnt Lawyers."

It's exactly what it sounds like.

OK, all right, all right.

Good morning, year 11.

There you go.

I got two words for you--

End of.

And I've got two more words for you--

Year musical.

End of year musical.

Yes!

Miss, did you get the rights to "Frozen"

so we can stop doing those weird shows

about your personal lives?

What?

I resent those allegations.

Do you, Janet?

I do, Janet.

And to be clear, we are both called Janet.

OK, yes, this original West End standard piece

is about two top-heavy Reading-based drama teachers.

And those teachers have both just

been through vicious divorces almost identical to ours.

But get this, they're both called Amy.

So there's the difference!

Maestro, please.

♪ Just arrived, Single City ♪

♪ My life's a mess ♪

♪ And mine is hell ♪

♪ Because the divorce ain't final yet ♪

♪ Sleeping in an empty king-size bed ♪

♪ In a single sitting, ♪

♪ He took the kids ♪

Happy to move on.

Yeah.

Miss, Miss, when are we gonna get to perform?

Oh, I don't know, maybe when you've played Mrs.

Teapot in the Lincoln Drill Hall's unofficial

production of "Beauty and the Beast," entitled "Pretty Girl,

Big Dog."

So the next number is about a surprising

post-divorce trip that the Amys take to Center Parcs Longleat.

Lights!

♪ There's something in the air at Longleats ♪

♪ Something we could never forsake ♪

♪ I only got one room when I booked on Wowcher ♪

♪ Now it's two of us, her and me ♪

♪ We're back from a long day on the rapids ♪

♪ 'Cause we both got stuck on the rapids for hours ♪

♪ Said I'll sleep on the sofa ♪

♪ I tell her, no, sir, ♪

♪ Let's dabble in lesbianism for the first time ♪

♪ And ultimately realize it's not for us ♪

Come on!

Miss Janet, Miss Janet, we want to do "Frozen"!

"Frozen," "Frozen," "Frozen"!

Right.

OK, I suppose you don't want to hear

about the group number, where the Amys realize

their true love is teaching.

Inspired by their incredible students.

And, I mean, I just feel bad for Robin, who was

this year's chosen soloist.

We're sorry, Robin.

We know you're different from the other boys.

We're not gonna say why.

You're gonna have to have a trickier life

because of who you are.

We're not gonna say why.

And we hate to lose you as a soloist

because you are our favorite student.

We're not gonna say why.

Please, please, Janets, I need this.

Aw, Robin!

Robin!

Oh, all right.

You get up here, you horrible lot.

Come on.

Year 11, this song is about you.

♪ 30 hopeless children in a classroom ♪

♪ Such disappointments ♪

♪ 30 nasty, ugly little children ♪

♪ What would they do without ♪

♪ Two busty ladies showing them the way? ♪

♪ Showing them the way ♪

♪ 5, 6, 7, 8 ♪

♪ Two busty ladies in the classroom ♪

♪ Two busty ladies with shitty, shitty children ♪

♪ Two busty ladies in a classroom ♪

Come here, girl.

Oh, God, I think we got it wrong, yeah?

We should have stayed there.

Oh, no.

Right, listen up.

Welcome to your speed awareness course.

I'm Shannon.

I've done it all, seen it all.

And I'm not impressed with naught.

You, tell me, why did you speed?

Well, Pedro Pascal was being interviewed by Greg

James on "BBC Radio One--"

Eh, let me guess.

Listening to that age-appropriate fanny charmer,

you forgot yourself and pedal touched carpet?

I couldn't help it.

He sounded naked.

Well, you might think 'cause this is the North,

that if you hit someone with a car, it don't matter.

Well, you're wrong, all right?

Bang wrong.

You, bog brush.

Join me up here.

Come on, take wheel.

Right.

We are going to do a little role play.

Picture the scene.

You're driving.

Your name is Martin.

And I am your passenger.

Street lamps zipping past.

Uh, street lamps?

So that means it's residential, so that's 30?

Good, but it's 2:00 AM on bank holiday Monday.

Everybody's tucked up in bed.

Go on, Martin, speed.

Sorry?

Who are you meant to be?

Well, I'm your partner of six weeks,

and the moonlight's making me feel aroused, Martin.

Speed to the next lay by, and let's do fake taxi style.

Speed, Martin!

Speed!

OK, ah!

Fail!

Sit down.

You told me to speed.

You, statins, get up here.

I shouldn't even be.

You should be allowed to speed on Poppy Day.

Right, zip it.

Now, start driving.

We are on the ring road.

Everything's normal.

But oh, no!

Oh, sod!

I'm 9 and 1/2 months prego with twins

and me water's just broke.

You-- well, I'll call an ambulance.

No, it's too late, Martin.

Oh, I'm crowning.

I'm crowning!

Too wet heads are touching the glove box.

Please speed to the hospital.

Step on it, you fertile Latvian bastard.

Speed, Martin. Speed!

All right. I'm doing it.

I'm doing it! I'm doing it.

Fail.

I hope you like prison food.

Sit down.

Sorry.

Why were both of those men called Martin?

Next!

Eh, you, young lady, who almost certainly owns a Fiat 500

with eyelashes on it.

Take your time.

Jesus.

Right, in this scenario, we are driving back from hospital

with two healthy babies.

Right.

What kind of road is it?

Oh, shit, Martin.

I just got a BBC News alert.

Aliens have landed in Meadowhall Shopping Center.

They've released a gas and it's turning everybody mutant!

What does that have to do with speeding?

The alien fog will either make our babies

dyslexic or give 'em one eye.

In both scenarios, they're gonna need extra time in exams.

Now drive around by the fog.

Speed, Martin!

Speed.

But I don't want to.

You want a Cyclops baby, do you?

No! Ah!

Fail.

Fail!

Fail, fail, fail.

You've all failed. - Right.

You need to stop this.

Leave her alone.

These role plays are mental.

None of this would happen in real life.

Mummy.

Yes, darling?

Are-- are-- are you almost done with your class?

Me and my twin brother got a six-hour exam to get to,

and then we're gonna see our dad.

He's called Martin.

And by the way, he doesn't speed.

Think.

Don't speed.

Unless your baby gonna be cyclops.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to the triplets ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Hey!

18 today.

Who would have thought it?

Gone in the blink of an bloody eye.

Well done, love.

Well done, us.

Oh, gross.

Get a room.

Oh, God forbid a man fancies his wife.

Right, come on, you lot.

Let's go to the pub, get your first legal round in.

And your mum will have a pint to pay now.

Actually, Paul, I'm not coming.

Oh, not this again, Jill.

Tony knows it wasn't you that's blocked the bog.

No, Paul.

I mean I'm not coming anywhere ever again.

Is this about them yogurts again?

I've told you that Tesco Express

doesn't do Müller Corner.

It's not about the yogurts, Paul.

Oh, come off it, Jill.

It's always about the yogurts with you.

I said it's not about the yogurt.

Right. Harry, give me them car keys.

I'll go and get your mum a yogurt.

It's not about the yogurt!

Mum, what's going on?

Oh my god, are you leaving, Dad?

No, of course, she's not leaving me.

You're not leaving me, are you?

I'm leaving you all.

You're 18 now.

My work here is done.

But, Mum.

I'm not your mum.

I'm--

Daniel Day-Lewis preparing for a role.

You're what?

I'm two-time Academy Award winner Daniel Day-Lewis.

And for the past 18 years, I've been

method acting as your mother.

Is this some sort of joke?

I never joke about my craft, Eleanor.

This is insane.

Did you know about this?

I didn't have a clue.

What can I say?

He's bloody good.

Bless you, Paul, you've opened my eyes

to so much beauty, ginsters, Blossom Hill wine,

the concept of screwfix.

Oh, you're all right.

We've had a laugh, haven't we Danny Day-Lewis?

Can I call you?

No.

You sounded just like Jill then.

Hang on.

If you're our mum, how have you still been in films?

Didn't you find it curious my repeated six-month comas?

Or perhaps my Abraham Lincoln phase.

Yeah, the sex was good back then.

I'm confused.

Who gave birth to us?

A lovely lady named Debbie.

Last I heard, she was doing set design on "Young Sheldon."

Whoa.

I've always felt such an intense connection

to that show.

My simple boy, loving you has been my greatest challenge.

Thank you.

Sorry, it's my agent.

Hello?

Yes.

They gave it to Reese Witherspoon?

Shit.

I've been living with this ghastly family

for 18 years for that part.

Is there anything we can do?

I'll tell you what.

You can buy your mother a pint of pinot.

I want to get wasted tonight.

Mum was so good in "Phantom Thread."

Ladies and gentlemen, the dreamy Myles Smith!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Time stood still just like a photograph ♪

♪ You made me feel like this would last forever ♪

♪ Looking in your eyes ♪

♪ I see my whole life ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ They say you know it when you know it, and I know ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Promise that you'll hold me close, don't let me go ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Take my heart, don't break it ♪

♪ Love me to my bones ♪

♪ All this time I've wasted ♪

♪ You were right there all along ♪

♪ You and I stargazing ♪

♪ Intertwining souls ♪

♪ We were never strangers ♪

♪ You were right there all along ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ And I lose my mind ♪

♪ When I'm around you, how I come alive ♪

♪ When I'm without you, I can't help but feel so lost ♪

♪ I wanna give you all I've got ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ They say you know it when you know it, and I know ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Promise that you'll hold me close, don't let me go ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Take my heart, don't break it ♪

♪ Love me to my bones ♪

♪ All this time I've wasted ♪

♪ You were right there all along ♪

♪ You and I stargazing ♪

♪ Intertwining souls ♪

♪ We were never strangers ♪

♪ You were right there all along ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ All along ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Take my heart, don't break it ♪

♪ Love me to my bones ♪

♪ All this time I've wasted ♪

♪ You were right there all along ♪

@ - It's "Weekend Update" withú Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.

Good evening, and welcome to "Weekend Update."

I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

This week's local elections were a disaster for Prime

Minister Keir Starmer, seen here voting

Reform as the Labour Party suffered

their worst defeat in decades.

In England, Reform UK won just over 1,400 seats.

Of course, the rise of Reform might seem scary

if you're an economic migrant, or a refugee,

or under 80 years old, trans, not privately educated,

in any way disabled, someone who uses the NHS, a woman,

not white, in a care home, someone who

doesn't like being upskirted.

But for the remaining one guy who actually lives in Thailand,

it's gonna be great.

Now, if these local election results

were to be carried over to the general election in three

years' time, there would, of course, be a significant impact

as my body hits the pavement.

Now, a lot of young people are

worried that the continuing success of Reform

will affect their future.

But you have to remember, you're already fucked.

With the left and the right making massive gains,

it was a huge clash of cultures at the polls.

Reform versus the Greens, bald men versus bald women.

Yes, it was a great night for the Greens,

despite leader Zack Polanski being

criticized for falsely claiming he'd been

a spokesman for the Red Cross.

But who hasn't lied on their CV?

I'd still be a doctor if I hadn't

prescribed kissing it better.

Already in-- already in the past few hours,

Labour MP Catherine West has threatened to trigger

a leadership contest.

Even if Keir Starmer does resign,

he is expected to remain very much

in the public eye as a senior mannequin in John Lewis.

Following the calls for Keir Starmer to resign,

cabinet minister Steve Reed has warned Labour against,

quote, "doom scrolling through leaders like the Tories did."

Well, Steve Reed, you don't know

what doom scrolling is, but I don't know who you are,

so one-all.

By some estimates, Labour's vote share plummeted to 15%,

which is being blamed on Starmer's toxic image.

I don't know why.

As far as dead-eyed, self-serving,

nonce-collecting cowards go, he's quite likeable.

The army of new Reform counselors

have vowed to get started straight

away, leaving no flag unshagged.

One of the big features of this election

has been the emergence of the shy Reform voter.

And hold on, I think we have one here now.

Ooh!

Stop it, I'm shy.

Oh!

Not me voting for Reform, by the way.

Stop the boats.

Did I just say that?

Oh my god, stop looking at me!

Take back control.

What am I like?

Al Nash appearing as himself, everybody!

Put on your masks, lock down your gran,

and stop spitting in each other's mouths.

There's a new virus in town!

Yes, a cruise ship has been unable to dock

after being hit by an outbreak of hantavirus,

which is spread in the feces and urine of rats.

The situation was described as deeply

stressful by Foreign Secretary Yvette Cooper, and

the ultimate party boat by a big rat.

Now, the virus may have also been

spread through intimate sexual contact

between humans and rats.

That's according to me.

Earlier this week, the extravagant, celebrity-filled

Met Gala was held in New York.

This year's theme was people you'd like to see exploded.

As usual, the Met Gala featured

a lot of high-concept outfits.

Beyoncé looked amazing.

Someone's made the most of the Claire's closing-down sale.

And Katy Perry wore an eerie, mirrored mask

covering her whole face, symbolizing

what it's like to live life as a stupid moron.

Nearly half of singles say that dating

is no longer affordable due to the rising cost of living.

Here to comment, it's our dating correspondent, Scrimpch.

ú - I'm Scrimpch, dating expert.

I've been on seven dates, and I'm

probably going to go on more.

Well, I hear you have dating tips for when money's tight.

I do because I know it can be hard out there for a Scrimpch.

Let's go.

Tip one, don't spend money, make money.

Take your date to a wishing well.

There's pennies in there.

OK.

Tip two-- on a date, always sing your truth.

♪ My name is Scrimpch ♪

♪ Your name is Lady ♪

♪ This is the case of Lady and the Scrimpch ♪

♪ Can I guess your BMI? ♪

♪ It doesn't matter if it's low or high ♪

♪ I just love guessing BMIs ♪

♪ And please, may I use your phone? ♪

Sorry.

So sorry.

Where are you from?

Well, I came here from Europe on a school trip,

and they forgot me. It's OK.

It's OK!

It's OK.

Never feel sorry for Scrimpch.

He doesn't need to know his age.

Everybody say Scrimpch.

Sorry, it's pronounced Scrimpch?

Tip nine-- keep a date short and sweet.

At the 50-minute mark, say ew, there's ants in here,

and I got to go.

If in doubt, sing again.

♪ Feel the rain on your Scrimpch ♪

♪ No one else can feel it for you ♪

♪ Because they are not called Scrimpch ♪

OK.

What's happening?

Tip 17-- being interesting is free.

♪ My favorite sound is an elephant's trunk ♪

♪ It is so charming to me ♪

♪ The way that elephants grieve ♪

♪ I wish my mother grieved ♪

♪ But she never looked for me ♪

Right, OK, I think I get it.

Listen, life is a school trip.

Sometimes you get left behind forever.

So go and kiss a girl on the neck.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Scrimpch.

Oh.

A member of Donald Trump's security detail,

has been placed on leave after allegedly masturbating

publicly in a hotel corridor close to where

Trump was staying.

The President was rushed to safety as soon as they

heard the sound of cum shots.

On Tuesday-- on Tuesday, the trailer

for Christopher Nolan's adaptation

of "The Odyssey" was released.

It's an epic tale about one person's desperate desire

to return home and is loosely based

on how I feel when men talk to me about Christopher Nolan.

Blackpool's famous trams museum

is shutting in yet another blow for the trams community.

Television-- we'll edit that out.

Television personality Scarlett Moffatt has revealed that

during her time on "I'm a Celebrity," she actually

enjoyed eating camel penis.

And for those of you interested in showbiz jargon, in TV,

we call eating a penis auditioning.

It's been revealed that the most-sent text in the UK is I

love you, according to the results of a poll

my dad did not take part in.

New government regulations could mean that fruit yogurts

will be classed as junk food.

OK, great.

I guess I'll have to find other healthier types of lube.

In Italy, new legislation is being introduced that will

ban the selling of horse meat.

Hmm.

Last summer I went to Italy, but

all I ate was pizza-- a piece of this horse,

a piece of that horse.

Meanwhile, in Burnley, a devastating fire

at the Warburtons bread factory has caused an estimated 2 and

1/2 million pounds of toast.

And now, in traffic news, a lorry

carrying 20 tons of Prosecco has

crashed on the M4, spilling wine

across all three westbound lanes.

The next morning, the M4 woke up with a terrible hangover

in bed with the M25.

And then, get this.

The A406 bursts in and is like, oh, my God,

I thought we were exclusive.

And then the M4 starts crying, and he's like, I don't

know what's wrong with me.

I must have a problem.

And then the A406 is like, I just

can't do this anymore-- storms out, and now none of them

are talking.

And that's the traffic news.

Sir David Attenborough turned 100 yesterday.

In celebration of his milestone birthday,

London Zoo have told him he's finally allowed to choose

and make love to one animal.

And now, here to celebrate the world's greatest

nature documentarian is one of his oldest colleagues, a rhino.

Thank you, Ania.

I'm a rhino.

And I'm here to say, Attenborough, you're a bitch.

Whoa! What?

@ - Yeah, that sicko's beenú making a living out of filming

my people for 80 years.

None of us ever signed a waiver.

ú None of us ever got paid!

Meanwhile, he gets a knighthood for broadcasting

footage of my mom getting shot by a poacher.

OK, but--

Attenborough!

I call you out.

I'll meet you any time, any place

to settle this, mano a rhino.

What's this?

Oh, my God.

Can it be?

Sir David Attenborough!

He's here!

There are only 27,000 rhinos left in the wild.

And when I'm through with this bitch, there'll only be 26,999!

Unprecedented scenes.

Oh, my God!

The greatest brain alive is coming for the rhino.

Oh, he's coming over.

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh!

David Attenborough, who's going for the back.

The rhinos's gone.

They're taking it off the desk.

Attenborough's going in for the kill.

Come on! Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Full nelson!

But wait.

What's this?

The big cats are here-- here to finish the job.

I've never seen anything like it.

Oh, Attenborough's downed the lion.

Oh.

That's the tiger gone.

My God, I've never seen anything like this

in all of "Weekend Update."

No, no, no!

No!

Not the chokeslam!

There we have it, ladies and gentlemen!

Attenborough's done it!

100 years and still Undisputed Champion of the Natural World,

David Attenborough!

For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

Good night!

What about these ones, love?

Oh, I know nothing about running shoes.

There must be a shop assistant somewhere.

Oh, here he comes.

Look.

Oh, god.

Hi, guys.

Welcome to Foot Locker.

How can I help?

Holy shit!

Christine?

It's Phantom.

Phantom of the Opera.

Yeah, I know.

- Who's this, Christine? - Hello, mate.

Sorry.

Eric Phantom.

Some people call me the angel of music.

Hey, Christine.

Is this your brother?

What's the relationship here?

No, this is-- this is James, my husband.

And that's our little one over there, Daisy.

Oh.

Eric and I just used to work together.

Well, it was a bit more than that, wasn't it?

OK.

He was my singing teacher.

No, no.

We were absolutely dating, so.

Sorry, sorry, singing teacher?

I didn't know you sang.

Yes, I-- I was a professional singer of opera in France.

You were a professional opera singer in France?

That's the first I've heard of it.

Ooh, trouble in paradise.

Why don't you and Daisy go and

look at the football shirts?

OK.

Well, you're not gonna reignite your love through the medium

of song, are you?

God, no!

Imagine that.

Oh, well, all right.

That's a relief.

♪ I have waited for this day ♪

♪ That my ingenue might need a pair of shoes ♪

Eric, don't!

Yeah, understood.

Get over it.

Move on, Phantom!

Oh!

OK.

So still a size 7?

Oh, I think so.

Changes from brand to brand.

Yeah, that's a common problem that.

Well, perhaps we should get you measured?

Measured?

♪ Measure me ♪

♪ Measure me fondly ♪

♪ Try to find my size ♪

♪ Examine me ♪

Yep!

Still a very sexual size 7, OK.

Um, so do you prefer slip-ons or lace-ups?

Oh, lace-ups, I think.

The lady likes them laced.

OK.

So in terms of running shoes, we have

your Adidas, your Solomons.

I actually would recommend these.

♪ Slide your foot in ♪

♪ With anticipation ♪

♪ Tie the laces ♪

♪ Tightening sensation ♪

♪ Let your feelings grow ♪

♪ As I press upon the toe ♪

♪ I am here to sell you shoes ♪

♪ That you might like ♪

♪ By singing you the music of the Nike ♪

♪ Let your mind-- ♪

Eric!

Eric, no!

I'm sorry!

Look, I'm married.

Eric, I have a child.

Also, not to be a total bitch about it,

but you did kidnap me, and kill all those people,

and burn down that opera house.

Oh.

God, you burn down one opera house,

you never hear the bloody end of it.

Come on, Daisy.

No!

We're off to Sports Direct.

No!

♪ It's all over now ♪

♪ The music of the night ♪

Once again, Mr. Myles Smith.

♪ We dream of jet planes ♪

♪ Freedom, trying to find escape ♪

♪ From heartache ♪

♪ Too young to feel cold ♪

♪ Seeing you warms me up inside ♪

♪ Just your face ♪

♪ Safe in your arms I can't forget ♪

♪ You save me from the demons in my head ♪

♪ I keep running in circles now ♪

♪ I've been losing myself somehow ♪

♪ Won't you hold me in the dark ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm running in circles now ♪

♪ I've been losing myself somehow ♪

♪ Won't you hold me in the dark ♪

♪ Long roads ahead ♪

♪ But I know we'll make it in the end, ♪

♪ Make it in the end ♪

♪ And I've tried running ♪

♪ But only you can fix my soul ♪

♪ So take me home ♪

♪ I keep running in circles now ♪

♪ I've been losing myself somehow ♪

♪ Won't you hold me in the dark ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm running in circles now ♪

♪ I've been losing myself somehow ♪

♪ Won't you hold me in the dark ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh ♪

♪ Won't you hold me in the dark ♪

♪ Here in your arms ♪

♪ That is where I lay my head ♪

♪ I keep running in circles now ♪

♪ I've been losing myself somehow ♪

♪ Won't you hold me in the dark ♪

♪ And I'm running in circles now ♪

♪ I've been losing myself somehow ♪

♪ Won't you hold me in the dark ♪

I am having such a nice time!

Me too!

There's just something about my mood.

I just-- I can't explain it.

I can.

Take it away, maestro.

♪ I feel so good now ♪

♪ Truly at ease ♪

♪ I'm having a great hair day ♪

♪ And past mistakes aren't weighing on me ♪

♪ I'm not stressed about my mother ♪

♪ Or paying off my Klarna ♪

♪ And at the end of the day ♪

♪ I'm actually happy for my ex who is fully gay ♪

♪ A guy is talking at length about an app he designed ♪

♪ And I don't even mind ♪

♪ How the stars aligned ♪

♪ Am I nailing my life? ♪

♪ No, I've simply had two glasses of wine ♪

♪ Two glasses tonight ♪

♪ That's all it takes ♪

♪ Two glasses of wine ♪

♪ So I'm loving I can legally drive ♪

♪ I'm suddenly fluent with my conversational German ♪

♪ Best I've felt all year ♪

♪ Starting to think white boys are a good idea ♪

♪ I'm trying somebody's sunglasses on ♪

♪ It's definitely charming ♪

♪ I'm sorry I dropped them ♪

♪ I just remembered someone I ♪

♪ went to school with who died ♪

♪ I'm sending story replies ♪

♪ Replaying my parents' divorce ♪

♪ Why am I having these thoughts ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, 'cause I've had ♪

♪ Three glasses of wine ♪

♪ We're pushing it now ♪

♪ I should tap out ♪

♪ Three glasses of wine ♪

♪ 'cause my reflection is bringing me down ♪

♪ Too much wine ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ And I'm angry about something ♪

♪ But I can't remember what the thing is ♪

Oh, come on, it's jazz

Oggy, Oggy, Oggy!

Oi, oi, oi!

Yeah.

That's the fourth wall.

Yeah.

My apologies to the fourth wall.

Oh, come on, mate!

Don't film me.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Listen, my dressing room is right next to Hammed's, yeah.

And it's soundproofed.

It sounds good.

OK, I'll see you later. Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh! No!

Ooh!

Hold on.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's-- I'm gonna be--

I'm gonna throw up.

Why is she so drunk?

I thought you only had three wines.

Yeah, and eight margaritas.

Oh, god.

Great.

♪ And I was also a little bit sick ♪

♪ So now I feel totally electric ♪

♪ I'm so drunk ♪

♪ I've gone full circle ♪

♪ And I feel good again ♪

♪ Riding the wine wave ♪

♪ It's hard to know how many drinks are enough ♪

♪ For some people it's four ♪

♪ Some people it's none ♪

♪ It's different for everyone ♪

♪ It can take a lifetime ♪

♪ To know just how much ♪

♪ Is the right amount of ♪

♪ - Wi-- ♪ - No, that's the wrong.

♪ - Wine-- ♪

♪ Wine ♪

My thanks to Myles Smith, Peter Serafinowicz, and

the hugest thanks to this ridiculously phenomenal cast,

writers, and everyone working on the show for making

this such a great week!

It is my total honor to host "SNL UK."

And to my little girl, thank you for letting me be here.

I'm coming home.

Good night.

Good night!