Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:05,760
@ - At this moment, somewhere
over the Atlantic.
2
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:17,039
Oh, Charles, Charles,
you did such a smashing job
3
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,239
with your speech to Congress.
4
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:22,639
After that, there's no way
Donald Trump will do anything
5
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:26,239
weird or bad ever again.
6
00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:27,800
Mission
accomplished, Camilla.
7
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,679
Still, I'm glad
to be heading home.
8
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,479
I just hate being
in any country where
9
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,679
my mummy's not on the money.
10
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,319
Come on now, Charles,
America's not so bad.
11
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:43,519
They've got hot dogs,
Reese's Pieces, and best
12
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:46,759
of all, legal weed gummies.
13
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,279
Don't tell anybody,
but I'm sneaking some
14
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,439
through customs in my tummy.
15
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,719
Camilla, you minx.
16
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:59,319
Ladies and gentlemen,
the in-flight
17
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:00,319
meal is about to be served.
18
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,439
Please return your seats
to their upright position.
19
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:04,760
Chicken or fish?
20
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:05,639
Chicken or fish?
21
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,719
Could we possibly
have a bit of each?
22
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,759
- We don't do that.
- Oh.
23
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,679
Good afternoon, passengers,
this is your captain speaking.
24
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:18,639
We're currently cruising
at an altitude of 33,000 feet.
25
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,039
Time in the UK is 10:02 PM.
26
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,639
And we're turning
around and going
27
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,439
all the way back to America.
28
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:25,759
Did you hear that, hubby?
29
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,199
They're turning
the plane around.
30
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,119
What the devil?
31
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,719
Captain, I demand this
plane return to Britain.
32
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:37,159
I'm afraid I can't
do that, Your Majesty.
33
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:40,519
Because you see--
34
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,679
It's me,
35
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,519
Sir Keir Starmer.
36
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:55,519
Sir Keir, what in the blazes
are you doing here?
37
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,639
Unless I'm very much
mistaken, Your Majesty,
38
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,399
I've hijacked the royal plane.
39
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:04,639
Sir Keir, land
this plane at once.
40
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,159
No can do, Queenie.
41
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,359
You see, I was dusting off
some of my old legal textbooks,
42
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,759
and I came across a rather
intriguing statute.
43
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,279
Did you know that
a prime minister
44
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:24,319
cannot be removed while the
monarch is out of the country?
45
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,759
So you thought you'd
save your premiership
46
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:27,760
with this dastardly plan?
47
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,800
What other choice did
I have, doing a good job?
48
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,599
Ha.
49
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,239
Grow up!
50
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:38,679
Sir Kier, I command you,
by order of the King--
51
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:42,199
The king of what, Charles?
52
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:45,239
The king of the clouds?
53
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:49,079
You have no power up here.
54
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,439
So long as we keep
circling the skies,
55
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:56,639
I keep being prime minister.
56
00:02:56,640 --> 00:03:00,079
Hey, Sir Keir,
I've got a question.
57
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:07,519
Chicken or fist?
58
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,679
Unnamed flight
attendant, but why?
59
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,759
Because I do have
a name, Your Majesty.
60
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:19,079
You see, it's me,
Angela Rayner.
61
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:27,519
Angela Rayner?
62
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:30,559
Yes, and I'm taking us home.
63
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,359
Because I've been
looking through
64
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,759
some old legal textbooks.
65
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,519
And I've realized, if you're
not in the country,
66
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,799
then I can't do--
67
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,519
This thing I'm planning.
68
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,119
Hey, Rayner, please
return your body
69
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,079
to the downright position.
70
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,639
I'm not letting this
plane get back to Britain.
71
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:57,359
Because you see, it's me--
72
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:58,759
Paul Selby.
73
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:06,559
And we're supposed
to know who that is?
74
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,159
Not at all.
75
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:08,959
I'm not famous.
76
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,119
I'm the one member
of the British public
77
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,239
who loves Keir Starmer.
78
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:14,439
That's right, I
was indoctrinated
79
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,199
online by the radical
center left,
80
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,760
and now I'm in charge
of this plane.
81
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,159
And nothing will-- nothing--
82
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:28,079
I knew there was something
fishy about that chap.
83
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,319
That's why, right
after takeoff,
84
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,759
I secretly slipped him 47
of your weed gummies, darling.
85
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:34,719
Oh, Charles!
86
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:38,679
Like I've always said,
you come for the king,
87
00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:42,159
you best not miss.
88
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:46,359
Now, baby, get in the cockpit
and take the plane home.
89
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:47,119
Because--
90
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:53,479
Live from London,
it's Saturday night!
91
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:03,639
It's "Saturday Night Live."
92
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:14,479
With Hammed Animashaun.
93
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:21,480
Ayoade Bamgboye.
94
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:28,759
Larry Dean.
95
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:34,079
Celeste Dring.
96
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:40,479
George Fouracres.
97
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:45,719
Ania Magliano.
98
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:51,599
Annabelle Marlow.
99
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:57,279
Al Nash.
100
00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:03,039
Jack Shep.
101
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:11,039
Emma Sidi.
102
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:17,399
Paddy Young.
103
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:23,759
Musical guest Meek.
104
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:27,599
ú And your host, Aimee Lou Wood.
105
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:43,279
Ladies and gentlemen,
Aimee Lou Wood!
106
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:57,119
Ahhh!
107
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:57,759
Thank you!
108
00:06:57,760 --> 00:06:58,719
Thank you, thank you.
109
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:04,159
I'm Aimee Lou Wood, and I'm so
excited to be hosting "SNL UK."
110
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,559
Whoo, ooh.
111
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:10,720
And I am the first
Northern host.
112
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,239
Shout-out to the Stockport
Hat Museum.
113
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,359
Yes!
114
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,039
Oh, seriously, it is a huge
honor to be here tonight.
115
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,479
You might know me
from "Sex Education,"
116
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,479
the show that took the shame
out of getting freaky.
117
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,519
Or perhaps you know me
from "The White Lotus,"
118
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,479
the show where a guy--
119
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,319
the show where a guy
wanks off his brother
120
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,279
and puts the shame
right back in there.
121
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:41,079
But this is the first time I've
ever stood on live television
122
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:41,679
as myself.
123
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,039
And honestly, I have
been having stress dreams
124
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,719
about this moment
where I come out and
125
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,679
just start talking gibberish.
126
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:56,039
But thankfully, .
127
00:07:56,040 --> 00:08:01,039
Phew, nailed it!
128
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,279
Talking of powerful women
making interesting noises,
129
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,399
the writers have been asking
me all week, Amy, what do you
130
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,559
want to say in your monologue?
131
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,199
And after a lot
of long, hard thinking,
132
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,319
the answer was simple--
133
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:19,119
I want to scat like Kim
Cattrall in that YouTube video.
134
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,039
And I am aware that
not everyone will
135
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,760
get that reference,
but I guarantee
136
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,239
the five people that
did will nominate
137
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:48,439
me for the BAFTA P&O Cruises
TV Moment of the Year!
138
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,519
It's very nice to show
a different side of myself
139
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:54,359
though, because ever since I
got famous, all I ever hear
140
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,119
is how relatable I
am, how bubbly I am.
141
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:03,119
But I'm here tonight to put
those vicious rumors to rest,
142
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,720
because you know what?
143
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,159
I'm a freak.
144
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:07,999
No, I am!
145
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,039
I'm a weird lady!
146
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:18,199
The only thing bubbly
about me is my IBS.
147
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:22,119
I'm a Scorpio moon,
for God's sake!
148
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:22,639
OK?
149
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:29,279
I once got a reading from an
astrologer and she said sorry.
150
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,159
That's how intense
my birth chart is.
151
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,319
No, seriously, I'm genuinely
tapped into something other.
152
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,399
It's not just
horoscopes and auras.
153
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:40,279
I'm also mixing with the
spiritual realm all the time.
154
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,559
For instance, this is
going to sound very cocky,
155
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:46,759
but in a past life, I was Derek
Jarman, the British artist.
156
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,559
And that's true because it
came up in a regression, right?
157
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:54,239
And in fact, I can tell anyone
what they were in a past life.
158
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:54,679
OK?
159
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,519
So I'm going to do it now.
160
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:57,279
Right now.
161
00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:02,279
So we've got dog,
dog, dog, dog--
162
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:03,759
ooh, you were the Pope.
163
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,719
Well done.
164
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,719
Dog, dog, and-- ooh, hello.
165
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:10,639
OK.
166
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,759
Yes, you.
167
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,759
You were Pablo Escobar.
168
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,279
Bit of a bad boy, huh?
169
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:23,239
I also carry crystals
about like this one.
170
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,359
I make sure I always have it
in my bra when I'm flying.
171
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:31,079
It protects me as long
as the plane doesn't crash.
172
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,479
Look, I know I may sound just
like that fun Mancunian girl
173
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:38,239
you lived in uni halls
with, or your cousin's
174
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:42,719
super sweet partner with the
job you can't quite remember.
175
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,359
But I, Aimee Lou
Wood, am a certified,
176
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,800
card-carrying goddamn weirdo!
177
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,119
And don't you forget it!
178
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:05,079
We've got a great show
coming up for you tonight,
179
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,439
including music from Meek!
180
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:12,559
So stick around and watch this!
181
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:19,599
♪ She's the kind of girl
who'll ruin your life ♪
182
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,599
♪ Flip your world upside down ♪
183
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:27,679
♪ You can't get her
out of your mind ♪
184
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:30,479
♪ Here's why ♪
185
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:31,559
♪ Sing it, my guy ♪
186
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:35,279
♪ Yeah, she's
dangerous, all right ♪
187
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,239
♪ But not just
cause she's hot ♪
188
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:41,599
♪ She's also got really
poor hand-eye-- ♪
189
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,479
♪ Coordination ♪
190
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:47,719
♪ She's crazy, clumsy,
a gazelle on ice ♪
191
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:51,759
♪ Scooting in the wrong
way in a back lane ♪
192
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:55,759
♪ Blind someone elderly when
she pop that champagne ♪
193
00:11:55,760 --> 00:12:00,719
♪ Watching her undress is
its own kind of insane ♪
194
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,159
ú ♪ Headless horseman shit ♪
195
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,519
ú ♪ A one-woman hurricane ♪
196
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,679
♪ Dangerous ♪
197
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:07,639
♪ Ow! ♪
198
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:12,599
♪ I asked to take her out,
now she's taking me out ♪
199
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:13,559
♪ Dangerous! ♪
200
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:14,760
♪ Baby, that hurt! ♪
201
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:15,719
♪ Watch out ♪
202
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,279
♪ She'll have you
up all night, baby ♪
203
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,319
♪ Waiting 'round in A&E ♪
204
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,239
♪ Dangerous ♪
205
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:25,679
♪ I try to keep things
within safe limits ♪
206
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,719
♪ It's a blow to my pride ♪
207
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:32,719
♪ But now I wear
a full-time helmet ♪
208
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,799
♪ And my clothes have no zips ♪
209
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,800
♪ With her hair
and personality, ♪
210
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,519
♪ zips are high risk ♪
211
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,239
♪ Dangerous! ♪
212
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,119
♪ Ow! ♪
213
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:41,799
♪ Love hurts! ♪
214
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,759
♪ I was warned
about this girl ♪
215
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,479
♪ on "999 with Michael Beurk" ♪
216
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,199
♪ Who the [bleep]
is Michael Beurk? ♪
217
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,239
♪ My shirt is the canvas ♪
218
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,719
♪ My food is the paint ♪
219
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:54,439
♪ To stick with me, boy, ♪
220
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,319
♪ You need the patience
of a saint ♪
221
00:12:56,320 --> 00:13:00,559
♪ When she's telling an
anecdote about an accident, ♪
222
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,159
♪ You know she'll accidentally ♪
223
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:05,039
♪ re-enact the accident again ♪
224
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:08,199
♪ But she's
forgetful regularly ♪
225
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,679
♪ It's not the same
as being a klutz, ♪
226
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,760
♪ But it adds to the anarchy ♪
227
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,119
♪ She'll say things like-- ♪
228
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,399
Sorry, I had
to put a tampon in,
229
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,519
but now I think there might
have been already one in there.
230
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,039
Ooh, what looks good.
231
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,039
Jesus!
232
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,279
♪ My hair stays rock and roll ♪
233
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,519
♪ Way more drop 'n' roll ♪
234
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,119
♪ Dangerous! ♪
235
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:28,759
♪ My bad ♪
236
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,319
♪ Unfortunately, this
gorgeous klutz-- ♪
237
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:32,759
♪ Is the best you've ever had ♪
238
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,119
♪ Before she goes
down on you, ♪
239
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,119
♪ You better sign that waiver ♪
240
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,679
♪ And never let her go on top ♪
241
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:41,519
♪ She'll say-- ♪
242
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:42,799
Don't worry, I got this.
243
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,639
ú♪ But she absolutely does not ♪
244
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,159
♪ I better get
used to this life ♪
245
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:56,079
♪ Cause I'm only going
to make this clumsy girl ♪
246
00:13:56,080 --> 00:14:00,719
♪ My wife ♪
247
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,759
We've arrived.
248
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,039
What is this place, Doctor?
249
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,039
I had a feeling
you might like it.
250
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:27,479
Welcome to Trexelor 5, home
of the great time library!
251
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:28,319
Incredible.
252
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:32,479
Ugh, we're not in my relatable
Northern town anymore.
253
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:36,199
I've been looking
for this for 16 lifetimes.
254
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:40,159
This is the home
of the Tree of Knowledge.
255
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,119
A tree?
256
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:41,759
In a spaceship?
257
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:44,159
It's the only place
that can keep it safe.
258
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,239
This tree fruits once
every trillion years!
259
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,079
One taste of the tree's
fruit gives you the answer
260
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,199
to any question you desire!
261
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:55,039
It's the most beautiful
thing you'll ever experience.
262
00:14:55,040 --> 00:15:00,719
Incredible.
263
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:11,279
What the fuck is that?
264
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,319
That's the tree.
265
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,159
I'm going to throw
up in my mouth.
266
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,039
I mean-- I mean, it may not
be conventionally
267
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,159
attractive, but--
268
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,999
No, I mean, why
is it dripping?
269
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,119
That's not a tree.
270
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,359
The name is allegorical!
271
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,439
This is an ancient creature
of infinite wisdom,
272
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:30,439
a repository of a trillion
years of kindness, empathy,
273
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:31,319
and intelligence.
274
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,759
Well, it looks
like my HPV flare up.
275
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,639
You're being really
disrespectful here, Ellen.
276
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:40,319
Do not offend
the Tree of Knowledge.
277
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,559
No, I think we
should kill it.
278
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,119
Do not threaten the tree!
279
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:45,239
Nobody's
threatening the tree!
280
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:46,759
The doctor does not kill!
281
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:48,759
Ooh, great.
282
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:49,719
Now it's farting.
283
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,359
No, no, no, it's not farting.
284
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:52,399
It's talking.
285
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,479
It welcomes us.
286
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,519
Oh, my God.
287
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,359
Sounds like me after
bottomless brunch.
288
00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,759
I'm allergic
to champagne, so it
289
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,639
comes out me like fizzy gravy.
290
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,039
Ellen!
291
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,159
Ellen, come on.
292
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:06,959
This is amazing.
293
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,159
You're having a genuinely
incredible experience.
294
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,079
You always do this!
295
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,239
Why can't you just
take me somewhere nice?
296
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,119
I took you to Jane
Austen's house!
297
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,599
Yeah, and she stank!
298
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,519
She stank of old!
299
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,159
Well, everyone did before
they invented Lynx Africa.
300
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:25,159
Yeah, look, why can't we
just go to, like, Thorpe Park
301
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:26,999
before the accidents
made it woke?
302
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,119
Or the Arndale Centre
for a bubble tea?
303
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:33,719
Right.
304
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:34,679
What's it saying now?
305
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,239
It wants you to greet it.
306
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,119
Go on.
307
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,239
It's minging!
308
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:41,679
Go!
309
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,439
Hi.
310
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:45,319
No, no, you need
to shake its hand.
311
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,719
I really don't
want to do that!
312
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,519
You get the answer to all
your biggest questions!
313
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,759
Don't you want to know
where your dad is?
314
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,279
The secret to happiness?
315
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,199
Or what bra size
you really are?
316
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,439
Oh, yeah, I do
want to know that.
317
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,639
All of that, especially
the bra thing.
318
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:01,719
Yeah.
319
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,639
OK.
320
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:03,999
Hello, blob.
321
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,279
No, that's not his hand.
That's his tit.
322
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,679
His tit came off in my hand!
323
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,599
No, I am so sorry she
pulled off your tit!
324
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,359
Oh, my God!
325
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:14,359
Silence!
326
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,679
The tree is fruiting!
327
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:18,399
He is ready for you
to suck its nectar
328
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,039
and receive its knowledge!
329
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,039
No, no, no!
330
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:24,119
If that's the fruit,
I'm about to kick off!
331
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:25,719
Well, it is the fruit.
332
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,559
And if you want the answers,
you must eat it.
333
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,319
Oh, my God, no way!
334
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,199
I've seen "Alien"!
335
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,119
I'm not swallowing that
and then having it burst
336
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,399
out my fanny when I get home!
337
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,359
No, it doesn't
work like that!
338
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:37,999
Right.
339
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,239
See, I'm going to go and watch
some Reels in the TARDIS.
340
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:41,719
Fine.
341
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,039
Fine, but don't vape in there.
342
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,279
I hate the smell
of triple mango.
343
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:47,679
Triple mango?
344
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:48,760
That's three mangoes!
345
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,479
Fine, I'll vape outside.
346
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:51,439
No!
347
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,399
What have you done?
348
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:57,319
A single mango is poison
enough to our people!
349
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:58,639
Oh, God!
350
00:17:58,640 --> 00:17:59,439
The tree!
351
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:03,439
It has lived three trillion
millennia, and now it's dying!
352
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,719
Shit!
Shit!
353
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:05,559
You killed them!
354
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:06,719
I can't be found here!
- Yeah.
355
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,519
Oh, my God!
- Get in the TARDIS!
356
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:09,599
Quick, quick!
357
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,679
Stop, murderers!
358
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,519
Don't worry!
359
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,719
The sonic screwdriver
will wipe his memory.
360
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:19,399
Oh, Ellen!
361
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:22,399
Ellen, I'm gonna go.
362
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:23,679
You know what
the space cops will
363
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:26,999
do if they find a Black
doctor at a crime scene.
364
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,039
It's not a good look,
I'm telling you.
365
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,039
I'll see you later.
366
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:30,720
It was nice to meet you.
367
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,359
I need to stop picking
up white girls.
368
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:16,719
Princess!
369
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,279
Princess, it's-a me, Mario!
370
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:31,159
I'm-a home!
371
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,679
Real nice, Mario.
372
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:37,519
3 o'clock in the afternoon and
you're already getting loaded.
373
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,439
Oh, here we go again.
374
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:40,279
Mamma Mia.
375
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,760
And why aren't you at work?
376
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,239
The city run out
of pipes to fix?
377
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:49,199
I lost another job to the
freakin' Petrov brothers.
378
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,999
Those Bulgarian
sons of bitches,
379
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,119
they always undercut me!
380
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,039
Enough with
the Petrov brothers, OK?
381
00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:56,760
It's you.
382
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:57,639
You're lazy.
383
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,679
You're always off go
karting with that monkey who
384
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,479
wears a tie and nothing else.
385
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:05,079
You-- you leave him alone!
386
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,199
He's a decent guy!
387
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:07,119
Whatever, Mario!
388
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,599
I asked you to fix the garbage
disposal three weeks ago,
389
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,359
and you still haven't got
off your fat Italian ass
390
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,159
and done it yet!
391
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:15,639
- I'm not the fat ass!
- Yeah.
392
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:17,279
I'm not the fat ass!
393
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:17,759
Yeah.
394
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,199
Look at this place, Princess!
395
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:22,599
What are we up to, you little
fruity mushroom serpent?
396
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,599
While I run and do everything,
you live like a pig!
397
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:27,399
Oh, yeah?
398
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,039
Well, how can I make
this place nice when
399
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,639
ya freakin' dog
comes in here and
400
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,399
wrecks it every five seconds!
401
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,479
He's not a dog.
402
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:35,279
He's a dinosaur!
403
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,119
He's a pain in my ass
is what he is!
404
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:39,239
A pain in my ass.
405
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,199
Oh, what I tell you?
406
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,639
You cannot lock
him in-a this room!
407
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,519
He needs a 20 mile
exercise a day!
408
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:52,719
That's why I buy him
the little red sneakers!
409
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,439
For God's sake!
410
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,239
Mario, Mario!
411
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,359
Mario, don't you see?
412
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:01,439
This is what I'm talking about!
413
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:02,479
I can't live like this no more!
414
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,239
Oh, well, maybe you
shoulda marry Luigi!
415
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:05,840
Oh.
416
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,639
I know you wanted to!
417
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:09,719
Oh, Luigi, you're so tall!
418
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:13,039
Oh, Luigi, you
live in a mansion.
419
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,759
Yeah, a mansion full of ghost!
420
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:16,479
Oh.
421
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,159
Yeah, well, at least
the ghosts would chase me.
422
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,279
What's that supposed to mean?
423
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:27,079
Now you don't gotta rescue
me from no castles no more.
424
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:28,519
You ain't interested.
425
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:29,439
Why you gotta do this?
426
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:33,079
Why-- why you gotta
make everything so hard?
427
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,599
That's the problem, Mario.
428
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:39,599
I don't make nothing
hard no more.
429
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:48,319
Please-a Peach, I'm-a take
the mushroom to make me bigger.
430
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,359
Ooh, ooh, you're
a big guy now.
431
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,399
You're the big man.
432
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:52,319
Uh-huh, right, OK.
433
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,199
Well, you know, I spoke
to Zelda the other day
434
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,559
at the salon, yeah?
435
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,759
Link cannot get
enough of her, OK?
436
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:03,199
They did it five
times on Saturday!
437
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:07,199
Zelda does the Pilates.
438
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,559
Oh!
439
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:09,479
Listen to me, Mario!
440
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,119
Just face it, you
never wanted me, OK?
441
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:13,639
You just wanted
to be the guy that
442
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,199
saved me from big bad Bowser!
443
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:16,679
Stop it!
444
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:19,159
I tell you, never
mention that scaley son
445
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:22,719
a bitch name in-a my house!
446
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:27,319
But-- what-- wait.
447
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,319
This is some boulder in there.
448
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,119
Who is it, Peach?
449
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:34,119
A Luigi?
450
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,159
Or is it Wario?
451
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,679
Oh, what, are you
screwing Wario now?
452
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,239
Mario, you're drunk!
453
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:40,639
Stop it, you're crazy!
454
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,799
This is some boulder there.
455
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:47,359
I'm-a pull the chomper,
get it up on his head!
456
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:48,679
Mario, stop it!
457
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:49,639
Come out of here!
458
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,119
Come out of here,
,
459
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,639
Let's-a go!
460
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:58,159
Oh, god.
461
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,559
No!
462
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:03,679
Mah, no, Toad.
463
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:04,999
Mah no!
464
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:10,319
Sorry, Mario, the Petrov
brothers say hello.
465
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:30,760
Based on Enid Blyton's
timeless children's stories
466
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:31,759
"The Famous Five"--
467
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,559
I say, we are
vewy adventuwous!
468
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:39,279
comes a bold
new Gen Z reboot.
469
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,799
It's those same quaint
1950s adventures you
470
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,279
vaguely remember
from childhood, with
471
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,359
Gen Z stuff shoehorned in.
472
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,039
Would anyone
care for a cwumpet?
473
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,559
No, thank you,
I'm full of vapes.
474
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,679
Starring Aimee
Lou Wood as Anne and
475
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,079
Millie Bobby Blooby
Blown as George.
476
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,719
And in this one,
she's openly queer.
477
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:06,719
The doctor diagnosed me
with LGBT-ese type 1, lesbian.
478
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,759
And Dick's played
by Jaden Smith.
479
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,319
I'm here doing PR
for my whole family.
480
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:12,679
Except one
of the actors contracts
481
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,679
was watertight, so Julian
is unfortunately exactly
482
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,439
the same as in the books.
483
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,439
Jolly whatsits!
484
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,119
A treasure map!
485
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:25,039
Even Timmy the dog
is non-binary.
486
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,279
Come on, Timmy!
487
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:26,759
Come on!
488
00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:28,599
And they're played
by Tom Holland.
489
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,519
Bark, bark, bark.
490
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:31,279
Zendaya.
491
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,519
The Telegraph calls
it "overstimulating
492
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:35,760
and underwritten."
493
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,599
I'm addicted to my phone.
494
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,759
Personally, I
can't stop scrolling.
495
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,199
And the commissioner
says, "Look,
496
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:44,239
we know it's a low point.
497
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,439
@ It's based on pre-existing
IP and we're really
498
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:47,479
ú scraping the barrel now!"
499
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:52,279
And they talk about World War
II like you talk about COVID.
500
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:53,199
It's relatable!
501
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,239
World War II was so mid.
502
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:59,999
So trueth, and I returned
from World War II with ADHD!
503
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,999
Can we please
paddle to shore?
504
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,639
I love paddle!
505
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,519
The stories
your granny loved,
506
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:13,359
but now the characters
are [bleep] exhausting.
507
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:14,519
Turn the big light off.
508
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:15,679
I hate the big light.
509
00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:18,199
It's a torch!
510
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:19,119
Hm, vibes.
511
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,239
Why are you letting
them say this stuff?
512
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,079
Ooh, a little
"Fleabag" moment!
513
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:25,599
I live!
514
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:26,679
With brand new mysteries--
515
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:30,519
This tunnel should lead
directly to Old Nonce Manor.
516
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,639
that they
suspect immediately--
517
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,639
Can't I just
tunnel from home?
518
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,759
so there isn't
really any plot.
519
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:38,439
Guys?
520
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:43,479
Complete with a brand new
Gen Z villain, a landlord!
521
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:44,279
Hands off.
522
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,119
I'm here to paint
over your black mural.
523
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:49,199
Stand back
or we'll unalive you!
524
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:53,199
No one's saying it
works, but everyone's
525
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,239
saying it's out soon.
526
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,119
I'm laughing.
527
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:57,519
I'm laughing right now.
528
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,359
I'm literally dead.
529
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:02,559
Oh my god, I'm the same.
530
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,319
I didn't like today.
531
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:09,479
Coming soon to TikTok
and .
532
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:36,759
Hi!
533
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:40,639
Hi, yeah, I think I left
my suitcase here yesterday.
534
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:41,399
OK.
535
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:42,319
Can you describe it?
536
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:46,279
Yeah, it's a black
rectangle on wheels.
537
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:47,159
This one?
538
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:48,679
Oh, thank God!
Yes!
539
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:49,359
OK.
540
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:51,199
Before I hand it over,
for security reasons,
541
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:54,559
I do have to ask
you what's inside.
542
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,519
OK.
543
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:57,759
This is going
to sound bad, right?
544
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:06,279
And I promise it's not
for here, but it is a bomb.
545
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:09,439
You crazy, bitch!
546
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:10,439
No, stop it!
547
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:11,679
I'm screaming!
548
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:12,399
OK.
549
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,719
So obviously, inquiring
minds need to know,
550
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,439
do you plan to harm
someone with this?
551
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:17,679
Because if so,
I'm going to have
552
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,119
to fill out an incident
form and, girl,
553
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,399
you know I don't have a pen.
- Yeah.
554
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,159
No, obviously I'm not
trying to kill anyone.
555
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,479
I'm not a man.
556
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:29,319
I'm crying laughing.
557
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:29,959
OK.
558
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,639
But seriously, what is it for?
559
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:32,359
OK.
560
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:33,759
You're never going to guess.
561
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,239
The Zara changing rooms!
562
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,199
- It's the mirrors!
- Don't!
563
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:40,359
- Stop it!
- Don't!
564
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,359
I'm going to literally ill now.
- No!
565
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:44,239
Go!
Go!
566
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:45,719
Oh my god!
- I love you!
567
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:47,639
No, stop!
I love you!
568
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:48,679
I love you!
OK.
569
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,679
Tell me why I'm going
into those changing
570
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,279
rooms with my arms
full of jeans
571
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:54,119
and I'm leaving with
my eyes full of tears.
572
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:55,519
Yeah, tell me why
I'm going in there
573
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:58,479
with my arms full of crop tops
and leaving with plans to bomb
574
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,159
it in the dead of the night.
575
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:01,679
Those things are similar.
576
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:03,439
OK.
577
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,639
Three words-- you, me,
hanging out after this.
578
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:06,359
Yeah.
579
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:07,999
Oh, my God, obviously!
580
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:08,519
OK.
581
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:09,999
OK, I'm just going
to grab that case.
582
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,399
Oh, oh-- yeah, so on that--
583
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,479
I'm so sorry, not
to be a fun sponge.
584
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:14,159
OK?
585
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,439
But now I know there's
a bomb in there,
586
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:16,639
I can't give it to you.
- OK.
587
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,039
I'm on such thin
ice with my boss
588
00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:19,639
because I've been eating
his lunch every day.
589
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:22,319
Yeah, but can I be
a bitch for a second?
590
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:25,279
OK, my favorite sentence
in the whole world.
591
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:28,079
I'm just going to snatch
it and run anyway!
592
00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:29,719
No, don't!
593
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,199
Oh, my God.
594
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:33,239
Oh, my God!
595
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:34,479
No, no, no!
596
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,760
Excuse me, do you work here?
597
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,760
No, I'm dressed like
this because I like it?
598
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:42,679
Hello?
599
00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:43,760
Turn off your brain.
600
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:45,079
Turn on your brain!
601
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:46,319
It's like--
602
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:49,399
I'll just go
ask someone else.
603
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,159
You guys seem like
really good friends.
604
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:56,119
Aww, thank you.
605
00:28:58,480 --> 00:29:00,399
OK, I have something
to tell you.
606
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:01,119
All right?
607
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:02,439
This cardigan, it's Zara!
608
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:03,199
Oh, God.
609
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,720
And I also have
something to confess.
610
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:05,439
Yeah?
611
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:09,159
I've never told anyone
this, but I'm gay.
612
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:14,679
- Wait.
- Wait.
613
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:15,999
Wait.
614
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,359
Wait, hang on.
615
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:19,719
Oh, my God, girl.
- What?
616
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:21,239
Girl.
617
00:29:21,240 --> 00:29:21,840
What?
618
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:22,999
This isn't a bomb!
619
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:26,279
It's a George Foreman grill.
620
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:27,279
Oh, my God!
621
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:32,079
I am never using Facebook
Marketplace again!
622
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,359
God, I can't believe
I said that joke
623
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:36,159
earlier about me being gay.
624
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:42,159
Yeah.
625
00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:44,559
So, are we still
hanging out later?
626
00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:45,759
Well, it's--
627
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,599
It's just-- oh, God, this
is so awkward, but no.
628
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,999
I already have
loads of friends.
629
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,239
Like, for example,
I've got my uni
630
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:55,759
girls, my Camp America girls,
my National Youth
631
00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:56,599
theater girls.
632
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,759
OK, yeah, so we just had a
near-death experience together,
633
00:29:59,760 --> 00:30:01,279
but I guess that means nothing?
634
00:30:01,280 --> 00:30:03,239
Girl, I lowkey think you
should just take the grill
635
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:06,279
and go because you're
actually pissing me off.
636
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:10,639
Sure, fine.
637
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:15,399
The guy at lost
property is gay.
638
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:31,119
No!
639
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:37,559
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Meek!
640
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,359
♪ I just got my heart broken ♪
641
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,559
♪ But I look way too fabulous ♪
642
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,519
♪ Yeah, I'm back in therapy ♪
643
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,559
♪ I look way too fabulous ♪
644
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:50,759
♪ Tax man took my money ♪
645
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:54,279
♪ But I'm feeling
way too fabulous ♪
646
00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:55,159
♪ I ain't sad, ♪
647
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,119
♪ I'm just feelin'
way too fabulous ♪
648
00:30:58,120 --> 00:30:59,399
♪ The bigger my tears, ♪
649
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:00,639
♪ The bigger my lashes, ♪
650
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:01,639
♪ The curls in my hair ♪
651
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:04,239
♪ Bigger the hit,
the hotter I feel ♪
652
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:05,759
♪ And the less than I care ♪
653
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:06,759
♪ The deeper it hurts, ♪
654
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:10,439
♪ More Vivienne Westwood
I feel I deserve ♪
655
00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:13,079
♪ If you know, you know ♪
656
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,519
♪ I just got my heart
broken, but ♪
657
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,199
♪ I look way too fabulous ♪
658
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:19,519
♪ Yeah, I'm back
in therapy, but ♪
659
00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:20,759
♪ I look way too fabulous ♪
660
00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:22,559
♪ Tax man took my money, ♪
661
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:25,399
♪ But I'm feeling
way too fabulous ♪
662
00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:30,439
♪ I ain't sad, I'm just
feelin' way too fabulous ♪
663
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:33,639
♪ Liberace, tragedy
in Versace ♪
664
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:35,599
♪ I'm like Mata Hari, ♪
665
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:37,759
♪ Keep secrets, serving body ♪
666
00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:39,679
♪ Oh, ain't it the way ♪
667
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:44,559
♪ It's always the fierce
who fight the hardest ♪
668
00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:46,479
♪ What a shame ♪
669
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:47,759
♪ Slay to be slayed ♪
670
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:54,519
♪ Promise you'll dance in those
stilettos on my grave ♪
671
00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:58,359
♪ They say beauty is pain ♪
672
00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:01,079
♪ But when I feel beautiful, ♪
673
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:05,119
♪ I barely feel the weight ♪
674
00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:07,519
♪ I just got my heart
broken, but ♪
675
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:09,319
♪ I look way too fabulous ♪
676
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:11,519
♪ Yes, I'm back
in therapy, but ♪
677
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:12,759
♪ I look way too fabulous ♪
678
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:15,479
♪ Tax man took
my money, but I'm ♪
679
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:17,399
♪ Feeling way too fabulous ♪
680
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:22,159
♪ I ain't sad, I'm just
feelin' way too fabulous ♪
681
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:30,519
♪ I look way too fabulous ♪
682
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:35,039
♪ I'm feelin' way
too fabulous ♪
683
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,199
♪ Feelin' way too fabulous ♪
684
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,359
♪ I just got my heart
broken, but ♪
685
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,279
♪ I look way too fabulous ♪
686
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,759
♪ Yes, I'm back
in therapy, but ♪
687
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:45,039
♪ I look way too fabulous ♪
688
00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:45,639
♪ Ooh ♪
689
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,479
♪ Tax man took
my money, but I'm ♪
690
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:49,079
♪ Feelin' way too fabulous ♪
691
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:50,079
♪ Ooh ♪
692
00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:51,519
♪ I ain't sad, I'm just ♪
693
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:54,279
♪ Feelin' way too fabulous ♪
694
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:55,399
♪ The bigger my tears, ♪
695
00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:56,639
♪ The bigger my lashes, ♪
696
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:58,159
♪ The curls in my hair ♪
697
00:32:58,160 --> 00:32:59,159
♪ Bigger the hit, ♪
698
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,079
♪ The hotter I look
and the less that I care ♪
699
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:03,079
♪ Deeper it hurts, ♪
700
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:06,039
♪ More Vivienne Westwood
I feel I deserve ♪
701
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:11,999
♪ Yeah, 'cause I feel
way too fabulous ♪
702
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:49,599
It's "Weekend Update" with
Ania Magliano and Paddy Young!
703
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,599
Good evening, and welcome
to "Weekend Update"!
704
00:33:57,600 --> 00:33:58,479
I'm Paddy Young.
705
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:03,039
And I'm Ania Magliano.
706
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,719
This week, King Charles
and Queen Camilla
707
00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:08,599
made their first official
state visit to Washington, DC.
708
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:12,199
As part of the trip, Charles
presented the president
709
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:13,479
with an engraved bell.
710
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,039
Ideally, Trump will wear
the bell on a collar
711
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:22,759
like a cat to warn young
women that he's approaching.
712
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:24,039
During the trip,
the couples used
713
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:28,599
coordinated fashion to project
unity between the two nations.
714
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:38,399
Camilla, seen here
wearing Diana's horcrux,
715
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:43,079
attended the state dinner
in a bespoke fuchsia gown.
716
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:44,559
The color of her
dress complemented
717
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:47,039
both Melania's
strapless pastel gown
718
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:52,439
and King Charles's
iconic hot pink fingers.
719
00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:56,239
As she welcomed the royal
party to the White House,
720
00:34:56,240 --> 00:34:58,159
Melania greeted
the king with a kiss,
721
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:01,679
clicking her jaw against
his to spell out "save me"
722
00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:03,439
in Morse code.
723
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:05,479
In Virginia, the king
and queen watched
724
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:07,679
a clog-dancing
performance from a group
725
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:09,079
of Appalachian mountain folk.
726
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:12,559
Inbred over generations to the
point of physical deformity,
727
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:18,559
Charles and Camilla
enjoyed the clog dance.
728
00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:21,239
Throughout the state
visit, press coverage
729
00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:23,639
of the conversations
between the leaders
730
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,159
has been extremely guarded.
731
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:28,719
So to give us the inside scoop
on what exactly was said,
732
00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:38,559
here's a professional
lip reader.
733
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:39,679
ú - Thanks for having me, Ania.
734
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:43,719
So you'reú a
professional lip reader.
735
00:35:43,720 --> 00:35:46,679
Sure.
736
00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:49,199
OK, so can you
take us through what
737
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:50,679
they're saying in this clip?
738
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:51,519
Absolutely.
739
00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:55,319
OK, so-- OK,
here's a question--
740
00:35:55,320 --> 00:36:00,079
would you rather prawn growing
out of your neck or no neck
741
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:00,639
at all?
742
00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:02,039
Can I eat the prawn?
743
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:03,119
No way.
744
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:03,639
OK.
745
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:06,599
Sorry to interrupt,
is that definitely
746
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:07,679
what they were saying?
747
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:11,159
Yeah, I lip readed it.
748
00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:17,119
I'm a professional lip reader.
749
00:36:17,120 --> 00:36:17,599
Oh, OK.
750
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:19,679
I can see in your eyes,
you're not convinced, Ania.
751
00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:20,439
It's OK.
752
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:21,759
Play another clip!
753
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:23,079
OK, so we've got
two ladies here.
754
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,599
I'm not familiar with
their work, but--
755
00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:32,119
but they're saying, "Our
hats are mad, right?"
756
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:33,439
"Tell me about it."
757
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:35,719
"What's your favorite crisps?"
758
00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:38,199
"For me, Squares all day."
759
00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:39,399
"Squares all day?
760
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:41,239
You're mad, girl!
761
00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:43,319
I like McCoys
because they're rigid.
762
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:45,479
You get more flavor
because of the ridges!"
763
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,159
OK, OK, I think
I have to stop.
764
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:49,639
You've come on saying you're
a professional lip reader,
765
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:51,599
but you are clearly
making it up.
766
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:54,759
Ania, please, I need this!
767
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:55,519
Please!
768
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:57,159
Please, one more chance!
769
00:36:57,160 --> 00:37:00,599
One more chance!
770
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,199
OK, OK, OK.
771
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:02,679
Yes.
772
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:05,399
Fine, fine, but this
is your last chance.
773
00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:06,199
Thank you.
774
00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:07,639
I haven't done this before.
775
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:17,399
I haven't.
776
00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:19,359
OK, here we go.
777
00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:23,519
"Have you seen
'Euphoria' series three?
778
00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:24,719
It's shit."
779
00:37:24,720 --> 00:37:25,719
OK, that's it.
780
00:37:25,720 --> 00:37:26,639
You're out of here.
781
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:28,719
Guy who, I swear, told me he
was a professional lip
782
00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:30,239
reader, everyone.
783
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:41,039
On Saturday, a gunman stormed
the White House Correspondents'
784
00:37:41,040 --> 00:37:41,760
Dinner in Washington.
785
00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:45,039
For all those in attendance,
it was an undeniably
786
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:46,079
terrifying event.
787
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,559
President Donald
Trump shat himself.
788
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:57,039
Then, minutes later,
the shots rang out.
789
00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:58,199
The host
for the evening's event
790
00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:00,959
was magician and mind
reader Oz Pearlman,
791
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:04,279
who you can see here,
using the power of his mind
792
00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:08,559
to clamp my vagina shut.
793
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:10,039
In the aftermath
of the shooting,
794
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:12,399
First Lady Melania Trump
was quick to admonish
795
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:14,599
people for making
light of the situation.
796
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:21,399
We're real people, she
said, blinking sideways.
797
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:25,319
Newly elected Green MP Hannah
Spencer has said it is shocking
798
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:27,359
that, quote, "You
can smell the alcohol
799
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:29,720
when people are in between
votes in Parliament."
800
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,399
In response, Speaker
of the House Sir Lindsay Hoyle
801
00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:36,399
said, "I bloody love
you, you mad bastard.
802
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:50,279
Oi, oi, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah,
is that my knob having a piss?"
803
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,760
In a new attempt to keep
Angela Raynor out of number 10,
804
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:55,639
a group of Labour MPs
have launched a campaign
805
00:38:55,640 --> 00:38:57,759
entitled "Anyone but Ange."
806
00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:00,039
And if you don't know,
"anyone but Ange"
807
00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:02,119
is also who you
ask for at the bar
808
00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:09,159
if your date is going amazing.
809
00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:11,439
Reform leader and your dad's
favorite cam girl,
810
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:16,479
Nigel Farage, is in hot water
over failing to declare a 5
811
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:19,159
million pound donation
from Christopher Harborne,
812
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:20,639
a Thai-based
crypto billionaire.
813
00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,039
If found negligent
by the electoral commission,
814
00:39:23,040 --> 00:39:28,599
Farage could face an email
of up to 400 words.
815
00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:30,079
Reform has said
that the 5 million
816
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:33,199
pound donation from
Harborne wasn't political
817
00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,199
and didn't have to be
declared because it
818
00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:36,999
was a purely personal gift.
819
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:39,719
Now, we can't say for certain
what the payment was for,
820
00:39:39,720 --> 00:39:43,359
but for 5 million pounds,
Nigel must have been providing
821
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,039
some sort of valuable service.
822
00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:54,719
And that's why Nigel Farage is
my Power Bottom of the Week!
823
00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:59,439
A postal worker in Somerset
has found a nest of pigeons
824
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,319
living under his van.
825
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:02,079
It's mad.
826
00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:03,679
Pigeons used to carry
the post, and now
827
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:06,039
the post carries the pigeons.
828
00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:11,159
What a crazy, mixed-up
world we live in, folks.
829
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:11,760
What was that?
830
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:17,079
Sorry, I need to speak
to my writers.
831
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:18,759
Oi, you call that a joke?
832
00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:21,759
Do you want me to throw
the dogs back in?
833
00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:22,599
Do you?
834
00:40:26,720 --> 00:40:29,359
Sorry about that.
835
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:34,159
Local elections will take
place on May the 7th.
836
00:40:34,160 --> 00:40:42,719
Here to discuss them,
it's Larry Dean.
837
00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:45,239
Larry, how do you see these
local elections going?
838
00:40:45,240 --> 00:40:48,279
@ - Well, Paddy, I don't know
anything about politics,
839
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,319
ú but what I do know is people.
840
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:52,159
So I've traveled all
around the world,
841
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:54,759
and I've found that you
can tell how a person
842
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:55,799
votes by how they talk.
843
00:40:55,800 --> 00:40:59,479
For example, in America,
you can tell how someone
844
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:00,359
votes from their mouth.
845
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:03,239
So if they're from, like,
a blue, Democratic state,
846
00:41:03,240 --> 00:41:07,719
they will show you exactly
what they're saying.
847
00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:10,719
But as soon as you hit
those red, Republican areas,
848
00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:15,719
they'll stop moving
the mouth altogether.
849
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:17,279
I think the reason
why is they're usually
850
00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,439
saying something horrendously
racist or homophobic,
851
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:23,399
or they don't want anybody lip
reading them knowing they're
852
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:29,399
the one that just said it.
853
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:32,319
And how can you tell
how British people
854
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:33,199
are going to vote?
855
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:36,239
Well, in London, usually,
Paddy, it's a posture thing.
856
00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:39,719
So if you're a Labour working
class voter, you're going
857
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:40,679
to be a lot more limp.
858
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:43,519
Even the jaw muscle's loose,
probably from all the ketamine
859
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:46,519
they've been having.
860
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:48,319
And if you're
a London Tory voter,
861
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:52,519
your posture will be stiffer,
probably from all the Pilates
862
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:57,639
and flinching whenever
their father walks in the room.
863
00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,199
The number one rule, though,
is if you're a posh Londoner,
864
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:03,439
you're not allowed to show
any emotion until you're
865
00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:10,440
finished your sentence.
866
00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:13,719
Who am I voting for?
867
00:42:13,720 --> 00:42:15,279
Well, I do like
the idea of tax cuts,
868
00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:17,479
but I don't want
to seem selfish, so.
869
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:20,199
Liberal Democrat, ooh.
870
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:22,719
And how can you tell
if someone votes Green?
871
00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:27,519
Oh, don't worry,
Paddy, they'll tell you.
872
00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:31,119
And, uh--
873
00:42:31,120 --> 00:42:32,199
What about Scotland?
874
00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:35,519
Well, in Scotland-- you know
how when you get older, you
875
00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:37,039
become more right-wing, right?
876
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,319
That's why I think
the Tories and
877
00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:40,439
Reform will never win
in Scotland, because we
878
00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:42,799
don't live long enough.
879
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:43,639
Fascinating.
880
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:47,439
And tell me, Larry, how
do they vote in China?
881
00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,799
That's all for me,
mate, thanks very much.
882
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:50,519
Cheers.
883
00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:52,439
Larry Dean, everyone!
884
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:02,639
In big TV news,
the lineup for the next
885
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:06,279
series of "Celebrity Traitors"
was announced this morning.
886
00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:09,119
It features plenty
of exciting castings,
887
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:11,399
including Maya Jama,
James Acaster, and
888
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:17,439
fan favorite Supreme
Leader Ayatollah Khomeini.
889
00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:18,760
I'll be honest,
I didn't really
890
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:20,239
like the "Celebrity Traitors."
891
00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:22,479
That's what I call all
those pigs who turned
892
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:27,559
their back on Gregg Wallace.
893
00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:31,359
Scientists are trialing a new
scanning technique that could
894
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:33,639
help diagnose endometriosis.
895
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:35,559
This completely
non-invasive procedure
896
00:43:35,560 --> 00:43:37,719
will be available
to women nationwide
897
00:43:37,720 --> 00:43:39,559
just as soon
as doctors work out how
898
00:43:39,560 --> 00:43:42,319
to make it incredibly painful.
899
00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:45,599
In Pompeii, archaeologists
have discovered the remains
900
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:48,800
of a Roman who fled
the eruption of Mount Vesuvius
901
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:50,279
holding a bowl over his head.
902
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:53,039
If there's anything worse
than a volcanic eruption,
903
00:43:53,040 --> 00:43:54,719
it's a volcanic
eruption while getting
904
00:43:54,720 --> 00:43:57,799
a haircut from your mum.
905
00:43:57,800 --> 00:43:59,439
New data shows
that breast reduction
906
00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:03,679
surgery has become more common
than breast implant surgery.
907
00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:06,319
And both options are far
more popular than what
908
00:44:06,320 --> 00:44:09,279
I went for, one of each.
909
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:12,159
Business, pleasure.
910
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:16,199
In the last few weeks, at
least five people in Southport
911
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:18,359
have overdosed
on contaminated heroin.
912
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:22,239
So if you're in Southport
and taking heroin-- sorry,
913
00:44:22,240 --> 00:44:26,599
what do I mean, if?
914
00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:30,759
A new survey--
915
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:34,559
A new survey has found that
39% of young Brits who still
916
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:37,159
live with their parents
say it affects
917
00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:38,159
how often they have sex.
918
00:44:38,160 --> 00:44:41,359
So if you want to keep
having sex with your parents,
919
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:42,439
move out.
920
00:44:42,440 --> 00:44:46,479
You'll get the spark
back, trust me.
921
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:49,519
A West Ham supporter
shocked other train passengers
922
00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:51,399
traveling to the game
after preparing
923
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,599
a steak dinner
in the carriage with a pair
924
00:44:53,600 --> 00:44:54,639
of hair straighteners.
925
00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:57,439
When asked by his friends if he
ran into any trouble on the way
926
00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:00,679
to the game, he told them,
there was a bit of beef,
927
00:45:00,680 --> 00:45:05,519
but I straightened it out.
928
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:06,519
I told you.
929
00:45:06,520 --> 00:45:12,079
I told you!
930
00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:13,719
Ryanair boss
Michael O'Leary has
931
00:45:13,720 --> 00:45:17,759
warned European airlines could
go bust as the Iran war causes
932
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:19,159
a surge in jet fuel prices.
933
00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,760
Here to comment on the
increased cost of flying,
934
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:25,119
a woman who's been invited to
her fourth destination wedding
935
00:45:25,120 --> 00:45:26,759
this year, Ayoade Bamgboye!
936
00:45:32,240 --> 00:45:35,279
I can't live like this.
937
00:45:35,280 --> 00:45:37,279
ú War rages on, famine, floods.
938
00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:40,279
You mean to tell me thatú
with all these goings on,
939
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:44,519
your best foot forward
is a wedding in Sardinia?
940
00:45:44,520 --> 00:45:47,119
The Hindu as an arbiter,
that's another 900 pounds.
941
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:51,679
I've dipped into my pension
so we can make some TikToks.
942
00:45:51,680 --> 00:45:54,199
These places aren't cheap.
943
00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:55,239
You can't just not go?
944
00:45:55,240 --> 00:45:58,599
You can't just
not go-- shut up.
945
00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,279
Shut up!
946
00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:00,599
How do you think that's
going to play out?
947
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:02,119
I'm the villain if I
say, I don't want
948
00:46:02,120 --> 00:46:05,039
to watch your 98-year-old
grandma get a plane,
949
00:46:05,040 --> 00:46:06,479
a ferry, and a bus.
950
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:07,159
I don't.
951
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:08,439
She's not going to make it.
952
00:46:08,440 --> 00:46:10,679
What if you just
treat it like a holiday?
953
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:12,719
Why are you thick?
954
00:46:12,720 --> 00:46:14,719
I don't want to go
to Marrakesh.
955
00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:16,679
It's not on my list.
956
00:46:16,680 --> 00:46:19,679
Whatever happened to just
getting married down the road?
957
00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:21,319
Whatever happened
to white feminism?
958
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,359
Marriage is actually
an outdated institution
959
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:26,159
that upholds
patriarchal structures.
960
00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:31,079
Emma Watson-- Emma
Watson, where are you?
961
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:31,599
Help!
962
00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:34,639
Are you saying you
shouldn't get married at all?
963
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:38,439
When did I say--
let a woman speak.
964
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:39,719
Marriage is
essential, especially
965
00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,479
as it pertains
to the transference of assets,
966
00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:44,359
probates, and inheritance
tax-- not my words, but
967
00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:47,760
the words of Martin Lewis,
money saving expert,
968
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:50,199
the greatest man alive today.
969
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,479
Is this still about
destination weddings?
970
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:53,359
Martin Lewis, please--
971
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:54,760
I'm saving myself for you.
972
00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:57,159
Ayoade Bamgboe, everybody!
973
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:01,239
For "Weekend Update",
I'm Paddy Young!
974
00:47:01,240 --> 00:47:03,999
And I'm Ania
Magliano, goodnight!
975
00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:43,319
Oh, my God.
976
00:47:43,320 --> 00:47:45,039
Hello, Archie.
977
00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:46,399
Hey, Bugbee.
978
00:47:46,400 --> 00:47:47,479
Hello, Cripps.
979
00:47:47,480 --> 00:47:49,079
You're right, Bacon.
980
00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:51,719
Archie and Bugbee.
981
00:47:51,720 --> 00:47:53,159
This is awkward.
982
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:54,199
Yeah, this is awkward.
983
00:47:54,200 --> 00:47:57,239
I heard Sprinkly pulled
you for a chat, Cripsey.
984
00:47:57,240 --> 00:47:58,279
Oh, really?
985
00:47:58,280 --> 00:48:00,239
Not gonna lie, kind of awks.
986
00:48:00,240 --> 00:48:01,399
Yeah, it was awkward.
987
00:48:01,400 --> 00:48:05,720
Archie, Bacon, do you mind
if Bugbee and I have a moment?
988
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:10,720
We'll leave you to it.
989
00:48:10,960 --> 00:48:12,119
It's good to see you.
990
00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:14,599
Yeah, it's good
to see you, too.
991
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:16,199
This is awkward.
992
00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:16,800
Yeah.
993
00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:19,079
Hello, you two.
994
00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:22,079
Sprinkly!
995
00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:25,679
Niiiice one, mate.
996
00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:26,719
Sprinkly.
997
00:48:26,720 --> 00:48:28,719
Cripsey, Bugbee.
998
00:48:28,720 --> 00:48:31,079
Well, this is awkward.
999
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:34,439
Sprinkly, mate, don't
take the pass-- have you
1000
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:37,359
guys hooked up, yes or nah?
1001
00:48:37,360 --> 00:48:38,359
We have.
1002
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:40,239
It was, like, one time.
1003
00:48:40,240 --> 00:48:41,239
Mate, no!
1004
00:48:41,240 --> 00:48:44,199
You must be taking
the actual pass.
1005
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:50,199
Friggers, Mippy Moo,ú
Bacon again, hello you lot.
1006
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:54,319
This is awkward.
1007
00:48:54,320 --> 00:48:55,639
You OK, Bugbee?
1008
00:48:55,640 --> 00:48:56,279
Yeah.
1009
00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:57,719
To be fair with you,
Friggers, Sprinkly and
1010
00:48:57,720 --> 00:48:59,760
Cripps just ruined my life.
1011
00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:02,959
Can I have a moment
with Sprinkly, please?
1012
00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:04,319
We'll leave you guys to it.
1013
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:12,079
Nice one, Sprinkly,
you fucking rodent.
1014
00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:15,079
You look butters today.
1015
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:17,039
Cheers.
1016
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:18,999
This is awkward.
1017
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:20,399
How was Hong Kong?
1018
00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:22,199
Never been there.
1019
00:49:22,200 --> 00:49:23,559
Fair.
1020
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:25,719
Did you sleep with Bacon?
1021
00:49:25,720 --> 00:49:28,359
Yeah, probably.
1022
00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:31,439
Oh, hello, Buttcheeks.
1023
00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:33,039
Bacon again.
1024
00:49:33,040 --> 00:49:34,559
Buttcheeks?
1025
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:36,199
This is awkward.
1026
00:49:36,200 --> 00:49:41,439
Mippy Moo, Sprinkly.
1027
00:49:41,440 --> 00:49:44,119
Bacon, I heard you got a job.
1028
00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:48,399
Take that back!
1029
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:49,039
Fair.
1030
00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:51,279
@ - Bacon, Sprinkly, could
Iú have a moment with Mippy,
1031
00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:52,679
please, mate?
1032
00:49:52,680 --> 00:49:53,519
Course, mate.
1033
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:57,679
We'll leave you to it.
1034
00:49:57,680 --> 00:50:00,239
Oh, God,
1035
00:50:00,240 --> 00:50:02,079
This is awkward.
1036
00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:02,719
All right.
1037
00:50:02,720 --> 00:50:05,279
Friggers, Landoughna,
Cripps, again,
1038
00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:07,519
Bacon again-- wait, no Bacon.
1039
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:08,519
You OK, Buttcheeks?
1040
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:11,199
ú - Hello, Buttcheeks, shut up.
1041
00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:12,519
Shut up, Buttcheeks!
1042
00:50:12,520 --> 00:50:13,559
You bloody liar!
1043
00:50:13,560 --> 00:50:16,760
You must be taking
the actually pass!
1044
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:20,359
Did you or didn't you frig
Friggers and Sprinkly up
1045
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:22,399
the backside?
- Me?
1046
00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:23,199
This is awkward.
1047
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:24,519
Me, Friggers,
and Cripps, or just me?
1048
00:50:24,520 --> 00:50:28,800
So did you or didn't
you, yes or no?
1049
00:50:30,240 --> 00:50:33,799
You must be taking
the actual pass!
1050
00:50:33,800 --> 00:50:38,079
I'm really upset,
I'll leave you to it.
1051
00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:42,719
Mippy Moo, Cripsey,
Landoughna, Buttcheeks,
1052
00:50:42,720 --> 00:50:43,800
I'm Bacon.
1053
00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:45,159
Buttcheeks, Bacon again.
1054
00:50:45,160 --> 00:50:50,479
Bacon, we'll leave you to it.
1055
00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:53,479
You're taking
the actual pass, Landy.
1056
00:50:53,480 --> 00:50:55,559
Mippy Moo was really upset!
1057
00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:56,479
I'll leave you to it.
1058
00:50:56,480 --> 00:50:57,800
- Cripps.
- Mippy Moo.
1059
00:50:58,040 --> 00:50:59,439
- Friggers.
- Friggers!
1060
00:51:07,160 --> 00:51:09,399
Wait, wait!
1061
00:51:09,400 --> 00:51:11,079
Who the F are you?
1062
00:51:11,080 --> 00:51:14,119
Um, Michael.
1063
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:15,279
Munty?
1064
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:16,479
No, Michael.
1065
00:51:16,480 --> 00:51:19,079
What the Earth do
you want, Michael?
1066
00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:20,399
I've been trying
to get my mother's
1067
00:51:20,400 --> 00:51:24,679
corpse into that ambulance
for the past five minutes.
1068
00:51:24,680 --> 00:51:27,039
Could you please move aside?
1069
00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:27,759
Yeah.
1070
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,159
Fair, mate.
1071
00:51:30,160 --> 00:51:36,319
We'll leave you guys to it.
1072
00:51:36,320 --> 00:51:45,599
Post git.
1073
00:51:45,600 --> 00:51:54,519
This is awkward.
1074
00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:21,079
Fancy another one?
1075
00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:23,319
It's Meek!
1076
00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:36,479
♪ Yes ♪
1077
00:52:36,480 --> 00:52:40,799
♪ I like a drink and I
still smoke cigarettes ♪
1078
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:41,559
♪ Yes ♪
1079
00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:44,799
♪ I'm so uncool and I
don't have many friends ♪
1080
00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:46,399
♪ Guess ♪
1081
00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:49,279
♪ I'm what they
call a lost cause ♪
1082
00:52:49,280 --> 00:52:50,399
♪ But then again-- ♪
1083
00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:52,159
♪ Ah, ah, ahhh ♪
1084
00:52:52,160 --> 00:52:55,559
♪ I was born
for a different audience ♪
1085
00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:56,319
♪ We, ♪
1086
00:52:56,320 --> 00:52:58,239
♪ Glorious freaks, ♪
1087
00:52:58,240 --> 00:53:04,599
♪ Beautiful nightmares
in feathers and beads ♪
1088
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:06,399
♪ Ah, ah, ahh ♪
1089
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:08,359
♪ Live to be queens ♪
1090
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:15,439
♪ World full of weirdos
and sinners like me ♪
1091
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:18,319
♪ Na, nananana ♪
1092
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:21,199
♪ Nanana naana ♪
1093
00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:23,639
♪ Nananana ♪
1094
00:53:23,640 --> 00:53:27,519
♪ We're beautiful freaks! ♪
1095
00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:30,679
♪ Ooh ♪
1096
00:53:30,680 --> 00:53:33,399
♪ Nananana ♪
1097
00:53:33,400 --> 00:53:35,599
♪ We're beautiful ♪
1098
00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:37,199
♪ Yes, yes, yes ♪
1099
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:41,119
♪ I'm well aware
everybody's gonna judge me ♪
1100
00:53:41,120 --> 00:53:42,199
♪ I guess ♪
1101
00:53:42,200 --> 00:53:46,559
♪ I might as well make
the world my runway ♪
1102
00:53:46,560 --> 00:53:47,599
♪ Yes ♪
1103
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:51,159
♪ Coming through and it
won't be quietly ♪
1104
00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:52,039
♪ Ahah, aah ♪
1105
00:53:52,040 --> 00:53:55,279
♪ 'Cause I was born
to little history ♪
1106
00:53:55,280 --> 00:53:58,079
♪ We glorious freaks ♪
1107
00:53:58,080 --> 00:54:03,719
♪ Beautiful nightmares
in feathers and beads ♪
1108
00:54:03,720 --> 00:54:06,559
♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪
1109
00:54:06,560 --> 00:54:09,239
♪ Beautiful freaks ♪
1110
00:54:09,240 --> 00:54:10,439
♪ World full of weirdos ♪
1111
00:54:10,440 --> 00:54:16,039
♪ and sinners like me ♪
1112
00:54:16,040 --> 00:54:18,760
♪ Na, nananana ♪
1113
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:21,359
♪ Nanana naana ♪
1114
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:24,319
♪ Nananana ♪
1115
00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:26,760
♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪
1116
00:54:27,000 --> 00:54:28,399
♪ Na nananana ♪
1117
00:54:28,400 --> 00:54:31,719
♪ Oooh oh ♪
1118
00:54:31,720 --> 00:54:34,399
♪ Nananana ♪
1119
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:36,319
♪ We're beautiful freaks, ♪
1120
00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:39,159
♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪
1121
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:42,199
♪ We're beautiful freaks, ♪
1122
00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:44,439
♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪
1123
00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:46,359
♪ We're beautiful freaks, ♪
1124
00:54:46,360 --> 00:54:49,279
♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪
1125
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:52,399
♪ With beautiful nightmares ♪
1126
00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:54,359
♪ Nananana ♪
1127
00:54:54,360 --> 00:55:00,399
♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪
1128
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:02,159
Thank you and goodnight!
1129
00:55:30,720 --> 00:55:32,519
Got what it takes, my wife.
1130
00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:35,519
Got friends 'round, got
roast pork for lunch!
1131
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:38,159
Plenty of taste,
British pork.
1132
00:55:38,160 --> 00:55:39,199
Great value for money.
1133
00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:42,439
Fred's got plenty
and Arthur's got plenty.
1134
00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:44,239
We've all got plenty!
1135
00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:45,359
Plenty to go around.
1136
00:55:45,360 --> 00:55:47,079
My wife's got what it takes.
1137
00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:49,759
British pork, what's it got?
1138
00:55:49,760 --> 00:55:51,479
It's got the lot.
1139
00:55:51,480 --> 00:55:54,039
Got pork for lunch on Sunday?
1140
00:55:54,040 --> 00:55:55,279
OK.
1141
00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:56,279
Cut!
1142
00:55:56,280 --> 00:55:57,199
Great work, Tony.
1143
00:55:57,200 --> 00:55:59,239
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
1144
00:55:59,240 --> 00:55:59,999
Really good.
1145
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:01,559
Guys, if we get
this right, 1984
1146
00:56:01,560 --> 00:56:04,079
will be a landmark
year for British pork.
1147
00:56:04,080 --> 00:56:07,399
Small thing though--
the British pork board
1148
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:08,719
is now under new management.
1149
00:56:08,720 --> 00:56:11,279
Big change at the top,
and the new team
1150
00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:13,719
are keen to go
in a more frightening
1151
00:56:13,720 --> 00:56:15,719
direction with the adverts.
1152
00:56:15,720 --> 00:56:16,679
What, frightening?
1153
00:56:16,680 --> 00:56:18,559
Yes, they're hoping
to frighten people
1154
00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:20,319
into eating more British pork.
1155
00:56:20,320 --> 00:56:21,559
Seems like a risky strategy.
1156
00:56:21,560 --> 00:56:23,199
Yeah, well, a few
of the board's members
1157
00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:26,759
are in today, if you
want to give them a wave.
1158
00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:27,439
Oh!
1159
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:29,759
Oh, hello-- hello, everyone.
1160
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:32,319
So let's run it
again from the top.
1161
00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:34,079
Tony, I hate to give
you a line read.
1162
00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:37,239
I think your first line
is more like,
1163
00:56:37,240 --> 00:56:39,759
"Got what it takes, my wife."
1164
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:41,759
What, more like a dark rage?
1165
00:56:41,760 --> 00:56:44,399
Like, got what it
takes, my wife!
1166
00:56:44,400 --> 00:56:45,279
Got friends 'round.
1167
00:56:45,280 --> 00:56:46,759
Got roast pork for lunch!
1168
00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:47,599
That's it!
1169
00:56:47,600 --> 00:56:49,399
That seems--
that seems extreme.
1170
00:56:49,400 --> 00:56:51,399
Well, the pork
board are loving it.
1171
00:56:57,760 --> 00:57:02,519
Just an idea, feel
free to shoot me down,
1172
00:57:02,520 --> 00:57:05,999
but why doesn't Tony
do all the lines?
1173
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:06,999
I don't know about that.
1174
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:08,319
It might come
across like a, well,
1175
00:57:08,320 --> 00:57:09,719
a monologue full
of hatred and menace.
1176
00:57:09,720 --> 00:57:11,720
Well, that's what we're
going for, I think, yeah.
1177
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:14,119
What would you be
doing then, sorry?
1178
00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:15,399
Well, well, I
thought that maybe I
1179
00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:19,159
could pour the gravy and sort
of look at him like this.
1180
00:57:19,160 --> 00:57:20,239
Oh, God.
1181
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:22,719
Yeah!
1182
00:57:22,720 --> 00:57:23,519
Oh, jeez!
1183
00:57:23,520 --> 00:57:24,679
Oh, yeah, that's brilliant!
1184
00:57:24,680 --> 00:57:26,119
I got chills from that!
1185
00:57:26,120 --> 00:57:26,599
Yes.
1186
00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:29,559
And Arthur, can you match
that energy, do you reckon?
1187
00:57:29,560 --> 00:57:34,319
Yeah, maybe something
along the lines of--
1188
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:36,559
Perfect, perfect, perfect.
1189
00:57:36,560 --> 00:57:37,319
Mwah!
1190
00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:39,319
Question about the music
in the background, how--
1191
00:57:39,320 --> 00:57:41,679
Yeah, I was going to say
maybe we lose the music.
1192
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:43,399
Yeah, and instead
of us talking,
1193
00:57:43,400 --> 00:57:46,439
we mime the conversation
so we can hear
1194
00:57:46,440 --> 00:57:47,759
Tony's horrible monologue.
1195
00:57:47,760 --> 00:57:50,079
Yeah, but then--
but everyone's just
1196
00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:51,039
eating in silence.
1197
00:57:51,040 --> 00:57:53,599
What if we clattered
our cutlery on the plates
1198
00:57:53,600 --> 00:57:56,119
really loudly, then
it wouldn't be silent?
1199
00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:57,239
You know, like this.
1200
00:57:57,240 --> 00:57:58,079
Sort of like--
1201
00:57:58,080 --> 00:58:01,159
Yeah, and move your mouths
as well, sort of--
1202
00:58:01,160 --> 00:58:02,159
yeah, that's nasty.
1203
00:58:02,160 --> 00:58:03,359
I love it, really nasty.
1204
00:58:03,360 --> 00:58:05,399
I've never seen
the pork board so happy.
1205
00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:16,720
I think that's the reaction
we're looking for, really.
1206
00:58:16,960 --> 00:58:17,639
So, um, great.
1207
00:58:17,640 --> 00:58:19,599
Great suggestions, everyone.
Let's go for a take, shall we?
1208
00:58:19,600 --> 00:58:21,159
OK.
Everybody ready?
1209
00:58:21,160 --> 00:58:22,319
And action.
1210
00:58:22,320 --> 00:58:24,999
Got what
it takes, my wife!
1211
00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:27,119
Got friends 'round.
1212
00:58:27,120 --> 00:58:30,439
Got roast pork for lunch!
1213
00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:32,359
Keep saying it!
1214
00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:35,279
Plenty of taste,
British pork!
1215
00:58:35,280 --> 00:58:36,639
Real value for money!
1216
00:58:36,640 --> 00:58:39,479
Fred's got plenty
and Arthur's got plenty.
1217
00:58:39,480 --> 00:58:40,519
We've all got plenty!
1218
00:58:40,520 --> 00:58:41,760
I'm sorry, that just--
1219
00:58:42,000 --> 00:58:44,759
that seems insane to me!
1220
00:58:44,760 --> 00:58:45,639
That's really mad.
1221
00:58:45,640 --> 00:58:47,359
Take two minutes,
everyone, Tony, come.
1222
00:58:47,360 --> 00:58:48,319
I'm sorry, everyone.
1223
00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:49,759
I don't mean to be a bother.
1224
00:58:49,760 --> 00:58:51,439
I'll sit down.
1225
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:53,039
So, Tony.
1226
00:58:53,040 --> 00:58:55,759
The way I'm seeing it, as far
as I'm concerned, right,
1227
00:58:55,760 --> 00:58:58,359
the pork's in the oven, OK?
1228
00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:00,359
The crackling is
crisping up real nice.
1229
00:59:00,360 --> 00:59:03,399
All it needs, just
a little bit of seasoning,
1230
00:59:03,400 --> 00:59:05,119
and that's where you come in.
1231
00:59:05,120 --> 00:59:14,399
All right?
1232
00:59:14,400 --> 00:59:15,999
What are you talking about?
1233
00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:19,199
I am talking
about pork, Tony!
1234
00:59:19,200 --> 00:59:20,999
It's always been
about the pork!
1235
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,199
It's time to join
the conversation, OK?
1236
00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:25,639
Now, are you gonna join
the conversation, right?
1237
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:28,279
Or are we going to have
to go elsewhere and
1238
00:59:28,280 --> 00:59:29,559
start talking
to someone else? 'Cause
1239
00:59:29,560 --> 00:59:31,359
there's thousands of scary
looking old blokes
1240
00:59:31,360 --> 00:59:34,399
out there who would give their
left nuts to be standing where
1241
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:36,719
you're standing right now!
- OK, I can do it.
1242
00:59:36,720 --> 00:59:37,719
I can do it!
1243
00:59:37,720 --> 00:59:39,639
I can do it.
1244
00:59:39,640 --> 00:59:40,719
I know that, Tony, right?
1245
00:59:40,720 --> 00:59:43,159
The pork board know that.
1246
00:59:45,160 --> 00:59:48,399
It's time for you to show
that to the world, OK?
1247
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:49,439
OK!
1248
00:59:49,440 --> 00:59:50,399
OK, OK!
1249
00:59:50,400 --> 00:59:51,599
- Yeah?
- I can do this.
1250
00:59:51,600 --> 00:59:53,399
You can do this.
All right!
1251
00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:54,279
Places, everyone.
1252
00:59:54,280 --> 00:59:58,399
Tony, head of the table, ready
to carve in 3, 2, 1-- action!
1253
00:59:58,400 --> 01:00:00,639
Got what it takes, my wife.
1254
01:00:00,640 --> 01:00:02,319
Got friends 'round.
1255
01:00:02,320 --> 01:00:04,039
Got roast pork for lunch.
1256
01:00:04,040 --> 01:00:08,239
British pork, real
value for money.
1257
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:11,679
Fred's got plenty
and Arthur's got plenty.
1258
01:00:11,680 --> 01:00:14,039
We've all got plenty.
1259
01:00:14,040 --> 01:00:15,239
Plenty to go around.
1260
01:00:15,240 --> 01:00:17,719
My wife's got what it takes.
1261
01:00:17,720 --> 01:00:19,759
British pork.
1262
01:00:19,760 --> 01:00:21,119
What's it got?
1263
01:00:21,120 --> 01:00:22,639
It's got the lot.
1264
01:00:22,640 --> 01:00:26,039
ú- Got pork for lunch on Sunday?
1265
01:00:29,600 --> 01:00:33,239
My biggest thanks to Meek,
and a huge thank you
1266
01:00:33,240 --> 01:00:36,639
to the cast writers,
, happy birthday,
1267
01:00:36,640 --> 01:00:40,599
Danny-- and everyone working
on the show for making
1268
01:00:40,600 --> 01:00:41,519
this such a great week!
1269
01:00:41,520 --> 01:00:46,319
It's been so amazing
to host "SNL UK"!
1270
01:00:46,320 --> 01:00:49,479
Goodnight!
89646
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof