Original subtitles

@ - At this moment, somewhere over the Atlantic.

Oh, Charles, Charles, you did such a smashing job

with your speech to Congress.

After that, there's no way Donald Trump will do anything

weird or bad ever again.

Mission accomplished, Camilla.

Still, I'm glad to be heading home.

I just hate being in any country where

my mummy's not on the money.

Come on now, Charles, America's not so bad.

They've got hot dogs, Reese's Pieces, and best

of all, legal weed gummies.

Don't tell anybody, but I'm sneaking some

through customs in my tummy.

Camilla, you minx.

Ladies and gentlemen, the in-flight

meal is about to be served.

Please return your seats to their upright position.

Chicken or fish?

Chicken or fish?

Could we possibly have a bit of each?

- We don't do that. - Oh.

Good afternoon, passengers, this is your captain speaking.

We're currently cruising at an altitude of 33,000 feet.

Time in the UK is 10:02 PM.

And we're turning around and going

all the way back to America.

Did you hear that, hubby?

They're turning the plane around.

What the devil?

Captain, I demand this plane return to Britain.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Your Majesty.

Because you see--

It's me,

Sir Keir Starmer.

Sir Keir, what in the blazes are you doing here?

Unless I'm very much mistaken, Your Majesty,

I've hijacked the royal plane.

Sir Keir, land this plane at once.

No can do, Queenie.

You see, I was dusting off some of my old legal textbooks,

and I came across a rather intriguing statute.

Did you know that a prime minister

cannot be removed while the monarch is out of the country?

So you thought you'd save your premiership

with this dastardly plan?

What other choice did I have, doing a good job?

Ha.

Grow up!

Sir Kier, I command you, by order of the King--

The king of what, Charles?

The king of the clouds?

You have no power up here.

So long as we keep circling the skies,

I keep being prime minister.

Hey, Sir Keir, I've got a question.

Chicken or fist?

Unnamed flight attendant, but why?

Because I do have a name, Your Majesty.

You see, it's me, Angela Rayner.

Angela Rayner?

Yes, and I'm taking us home.

Because I've been looking through

some old legal textbooks.

And I've realized, if you're not in the country,

then I can't do--

This thing I'm planning.

Hey, Rayner, please return your body

to the downright position.

I'm not letting this plane get back to Britain.

Because you see, it's me--

Paul Selby.

And we're supposed to know who that is?

Not at all.

I'm not famous.

I'm the one member of the British public

who loves Keir Starmer.

That's right, I was indoctrinated

online by the radical center left,

and now I'm in charge of this plane.

And nothing will-- nothing--

I knew there was something fishy about that chap.

That's why, right after takeoff,

I secretly slipped him 47 of your weed gummies, darling.

Oh, Charles!

Like I've always said, you come for the king,

you best not miss.

Now, baby, get in the cockpit and take the plane home.

Because--

Live from London, it's Saturday night!

It's "Saturday Night Live."

With Hammed Animashaun.

Ayoade Bamgboye.

Larry Dean.

Celeste Dring.

George Fouracres.

Ania Magliano.

Annabelle Marlow.

Al Nash.

Jack Shep.

Emma Sidi.

Paddy Young.

Musical guest Meek.

ú And your host, Aimee Lou Wood.

Ladies and gentlemen, Aimee Lou Wood!

Ahhh!

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you.

I'm Aimee Lou Wood, and I'm so excited to be hosting "SNL UK."

Whoo, ooh.

And I am the first Northern host.

Shout-out to the Stockport Hat Museum.

Yes!

Oh, seriously, it is a huge honor to be here tonight.

You might know me from "Sex Education,"

the show that took the shame out of getting freaky.

Or perhaps you know me from "The White Lotus,"

the show where a guy--

the show where a guy wanks off his brother

and puts the shame right back in there.

But this is the first time I've ever stood on live television

as myself.

And honestly, I have been having stress dreams

about this moment where I come out and

just start talking gibberish.

But thankfully, .

Phew, nailed it!

Talking of powerful women making interesting noises,

the writers have been asking me all week, Amy, what do you

want to say in your monologue?

And after a lot of long, hard thinking,

the answer was simple--

I want to scat like Kim Cattrall in that YouTube video.

And I am aware that not everyone will

get that reference, but I guarantee

the five people that did will nominate

me for the BAFTA P&O Cruises TV Moment of the Year!

It's very nice to show a different side of myself

though, because ever since I got famous, all I ever hear

is how relatable I am, how bubbly I am.

But I'm here tonight to put those vicious rumors to rest,

because you know what?

I'm a freak.

No, I am!

I'm a weird lady!

The only thing bubbly about me is my IBS.

I'm a Scorpio moon, for God's sake!

OK?

I once got a reading from an astrologer and she said sorry.

That's how intense my birth chart is.

No, seriously, I'm genuinely tapped into something other.

It's not just horoscopes and auras.

I'm also mixing with the spiritual realm all the time.

For instance, this is going to sound very cocky,

but in a past life, I was Derek Jarman, the British artist.

And that's true because it came up in a regression, right?

And in fact, I can tell anyone what they were in a past life.

OK?

So I'm going to do it now.

Right now.

So we've got dog, dog, dog, dog--

ooh, you were the Pope.

Well done.

Dog, dog, and-- ooh, hello.

OK.

Yes, you.

You were Pablo Escobar.

Bit of a bad boy, huh?

I also carry crystals about like this one.

I make sure I always have it in my bra when I'm flying.

It protects me as long as the plane doesn't crash.

Look, I know I may sound just like that fun Mancunian girl

you lived in uni halls with, or your cousin's

super sweet partner with the job you can't quite remember.

But I, Aimee Lou Wood, am a certified,

card-carrying goddamn weirdo!

And don't you forget it!

We've got a great show coming up for you tonight,

including music from Meek!

So stick around and watch this!

♪ She's the kind of girl who'll ruin your life ♪

♪ Flip your world upside down ♪

♪ You can't get her out of your mind ♪

♪ Here's why ♪

♪ Sing it, my guy ♪

♪ Yeah, she's dangerous, all right ♪

♪ But not just cause she's hot ♪

♪ She's also got really poor hand-eye-- ♪

♪ Coordination ♪

♪ She's crazy, clumsy, a gazelle on ice ♪

♪ Scooting in the wrong way in a back lane ♪

♪ Blind someone elderly when she pop that champagne ♪

♪ Watching her undress is its own kind of insane ♪

ú ♪ Headless horseman shit ♪

ú ♪ A one-woman hurricane ♪

♪ Dangerous ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ I asked to take her out, now she's taking me out ♪

♪ Dangerous! ♪

♪ Baby, that hurt! ♪

♪ Watch out ♪

♪ She'll have you up all night, baby ♪

♪ Waiting 'round in A&E ♪

♪ Dangerous ♪

♪ I try to keep things within safe limits ♪

♪ It's a blow to my pride ♪

♪ But now I wear a full-time helmet ♪

♪ And my clothes have no zips ♪

♪ With her hair and personality, ♪

♪ zips are high risk ♪

♪ Dangerous! ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Love hurts! ♪

♪ I was warned about this girl ♪

♪ on "999 with Michael Beurk" ♪

♪ Who the [bleep] is Michael Beurk? ♪

♪ My shirt is the canvas ♪

♪ My food is the paint ♪

♪ To stick with me, boy, ♪

♪ You need the patience of a saint ♪

♪ When she's telling an anecdote about an accident, ♪

♪ You know she'll accidentally ♪

♪ re-enact the accident again ♪

♪ But she's forgetful regularly ♪

♪ It's not the same as being a klutz, ♪

♪ But it adds to the anarchy ♪

♪ She'll say things like-- ♪

Sorry, I had to put a tampon in,

but now I think there might have been already one in there.

Ooh, what looks good.

Jesus!

♪ My hair stays rock and roll ♪

♪ Way more drop 'n' roll ♪

♪ Dangerous! ♪

♪ My bad ♪

♪ Unfortunately, this gorgeous klutz-- ♪

♪ Is the best you've ever had ♪

♪ Before she goes down on you, ♪

♪ You better sign that waiver ♪

♪ And never let her go on top ♪

♪ She'll say-- ♪

Don't worry, I got this.

ú♪ But she absolutely does not ♪

♪ I better get used to this life ♪

♪ Cause I'm only going to make this clumsy girl ♪

♪ My wife ♪

We've arrived.

What is this place, Doctor?

I had a feeling you might like it.

Welcome to Trexelor 5, home of the great time library!

Incredible.

Ugh, we're not in my relatable Northern town anymore.

I've been looking for this for 16 lifetimes.

This is the home of the Tree of Knowledge.

A tree?

In a spaceship?

It's the only place that can keep it safe.

This tree fruits once every trillion years!

One taste of the tree's fruit gives you the answer

to any question you desire!

It's the most beautiful thing you'll ever experience.

Incredible.

What the fuck is that?

That's the tree.

I'm going to throw up in my mouth.

I mean-- I mean, it may not be conventionally

attractive, but--

No, I mean, why is it dripping?

That's not a tree.

The name is allegorical!

This is an ancient creature of infinite wisdom,

a repository of a trillion years of kindness, empathy,

and intelligence.

Well, it looks like my HPV flare up.

You're being really disrespectful here, Ellen.

Do not offend the Tree of Knowledge.

No, I think we should kill it.

Do not threaten the tree!

Nobody's threatening the tree!

The doctor does not kill!

Ooh, great.

Now it's farting.

No, no, no, it's not farting.

It's talking.

It welcomes us.

Oh, my God.

Sounds like me after bottomless brunch.

I'm allergic to champagne, so it

comes out me like fizzy gravy.

Ellen!

Ellen, come on.

This is amazing.

You're having a genuinely incredible experience.

You always do this!

Why can't you just take me somewhere nice?

I took you to Jane Austen's house!

Yeah, and she stank!

She stank of old!

Well, everyone did before they invented Lynx Africa.

Yeah, look, why can't we just go to, like, Thorpe Park

before the accidents made it woke?

Or the Arndale Centre for a bubble tea?

Right.

What's it saying now?

It wants you to greet it.

Go on.

It's minging!

Go!

Hi.

No, no, you need to shake its hand.

I really don't want to do that!

You get the answer to all your biggest questions!

Don't you want to know where your dad is?

The secret to happiness?

Or what bra size you really are?

Oh, yeah, I do want to know that.

All of that, especially the bra thing.

Yeah.

OK.

Hello, blob.

No, that's not his hand. That's his tit.

His tit came off in my hand!

No, I am so sorry she pulled off your tit!

Oh, my God!

Silence!

The tree is fruiting!

He is ready for you to suck its nectar

and receive its knowledge!

No, no, no!

If that's the fruit, I'm about to kick off!

Well, it is the fruit.

And if you want the answers, you must eat it.

Oh, my God, no way!

I've seen "Alien"!

I'm not swallowing that and then having it burst

out my fanny when I get home!

No, it doesn't work like that!

Right.

See, I'm going to go and watch some Reels in the TARDIS.

Fine.

Fine, but don't vape in there.

I hate the smell of triple mango.

Triple mango?

That's three mangoes!

Fine, I'll vape outside.

No!

What have you done?

A single mango is poison enough to our people!

Oh, God!

The tree!

It has lived three trillion millennia, and now it's dying!

Shit! Shit!

You killed them!

I can't be found here! - Yeah.

Oh, my God! - Get in the TARDIS!

Quick, quick!

Stop, murderers!

Don't worry!

The sonic screwdriver will wipe his memory.

Oh, Ellen!

Ellen, I'm gonna go.

You know what the space cops will

do if they find a Black doctor at a crime scene.

It's not a good look, I'm telling you.

I'll see you later.

It was nice to meet you.

I need to stop picking up white girls.

Princess!

Princess, it's-a me, Mario!

I'm-a home!

Real nice, Mario.

3 o'clock in the afternoon and you're already getting loaded.

Oh, here we go again.

Mamma Mia.

And why aren't you at work?

The city run out of pipes to fix?

I lost another job to the freakin' Petrov brothers.

Those Bulgarian sons of bitches,

they always undercut me!

Enough with the Petrov brothers, OK?

It's you.

You're lazy.

You're always off go karting with that monkey who

wears a tie and nothing else.

You-- you leave him alone!

He's a decent guy!

Whatever, Mario!

I asked you to fix the garbage disposal three weeks ago,

and you still haven't got off your fat Italian ass

and done it yet!

- I'm not the fat ass! - Yeah.

I'm not the fat ass!

Yeah.

Look at this place, Princess!

What are we up to, you little fruity mushroom serpent?

While I run and do everything, you live like a pig!

Oh, yeah?

Well, how can I make this place nice when

ya freakin' dog comes in here and

wrecks it every five seconds!

He's not a dog.

He's a dinosaur!

He's a pain in my ass is what he is!

A pain in my ass.

Oh, what I tell you?

You cannot lock him in-a this room!

He needs a 20 mile exercise a day!

That's why I buy him the little red sneakers!

For God's sake!

Mario, Mario!

Mario, don't you see?

This is what I'm talking about!

I can't live like this no more!

Oh, well, maybe you shoulda marry Luigi!

Oh.

I know you wanted to!

Oh, Luigi, you're so tall!

Oh, Luigi, you live in a mansion.

Yeah, a mansion full of ghost!

Oh.

Yeah, well, at least the ghosts would chase me.

What's that supposed to mean?

Now you don't gotta rescue me from no castles no more.

You ain't interested.

Why you gotta do this?

Why-- why you gotta make everything so hard?

That's the problem, Mario.

I don't make nothing hard no more.

Please-a Peach, I'm-a take the mushroom to make me bigger.

Ooh, ooh, you're a big guy now.

You're the big man.

Uh-huh, right, OK.

Well, you know, I spoke to Zelda the other day

at the salon, yeah?

Link cannot get enough of her, OK?

They did it five times on Saturday!

Zelda does the Pilates.

Oh!

Listen to me, Mario!

Just face it, you never wanted me, OK?

You just wanted to be the guy that

saved me from big bad Bowser!

Stop it!

I tell you, never mention that scaley son

a bitch name in-a my house!

But-- what-- wait.

This is some boulder in there.

Who is it, Peach?

A Luigi?

Or is it Wario?

Oh, what, are you screwing Wario now?

Mario, you're drunk!

Stop it, you're crazy!

This is some boulder there.

I'm-a pull the chomper, get it up on his head!

Mario, stop it!

Come out of here!

Come out of here, ,

Let's-a go!

Oh, god.

No!

Mah, no, Toad.

Mah no!

Sorry, Mario, the Petrov brothers say hello.

Based on Enid Blyton's timeless children's stories

"The Famous Five"--

I say, we are vewy adventuwous!

comes a bold new Gen Z reboot.

It's those same quaint 1950s adventures you

vaguely remember from childhood, with

Gen Z stuff shoehorned in.

Would anyone care for a cwumpet?

No, thank you, I'm full of vapes.

Starring Aimee Lou Wood as Anne and

Millie Bobby Blooby Blown as George.

And in this one, she's openly queer.

The doctor diagnosed me with LGBT-ese type 1, lesbian.

And Dick's played by Jaden Smith.

I'm here doing PR for my whole family.

Except one of the actors contracts

was watertight, so Julian is unfortunately exactly

the same as in the books.

Jolly whatsits!

A treasure map!

Even Timmy the dog is non-binary.

Come on, Timmy!

Come on!

And they're played by Tom Holland.

Bark, bark, bark.

Zendaya.

The Telegraph calls it "overstimulating

and underwritten."

I'm addicted to my phone.

Personally, I can't stop scrolling.

And the commissioner says, "Look,

we know it's a low point.

@ It's based on pre-existing IP and we're really

ú scraping the barrel now!"

And they talk about World War II like you talk about COVID.

It's relatable!

World War II was so mid.

So trueth, and I returned from World War II with ADHD!

Can we please paddle to shore?

I love paddle!

The stories your granny loved,

but now the characters are [bleep] exhausting.

Turn the big light off.

I hate the big light.

It's a torch!

Hm, vibes.

Why are you letting them say this stuff?

Ooh, a little "Fleabag" moment!

I live!

With brand new mysteries--

This tunnel should lead directly to Old Nonce Manor.

that they suspect immediately--

Can't I just tunnel from home?

so there isn't really any plot.

Guys?

Complete with a brand new Gen Z villain, a landlord!

Hands off.

I'm here to paint over your black mural.

Stand back or we'll unalive you!

No one's saying it works, but everyone's

saying it's out soon.

I'm laughing.

I'm laughing right now.

I'm literally dead.

Oh my god, I'm the same.

I didn't like today.

Coming soon to TikTok and .

Hi!

Hi, yeah, I think I left my suitcase here yesterday.

OK.

Can you describe it?

Yeah, it's a black rectangle on wheels.

This one?

Oh, thank God! Yes!

OK.

Before I hand it over, for security reasons,

I do have to ask you what's inside.

OK.

This is going to sound bad, right?

And I promise it's not for here, but it is a bomb.

You crazy, bitch!

No, stop it!

I'm screaming!

OK.

So obviously, inquiring minds need to know,

do you plan to harm someone with this?

Because if so, I'm going to have

to fill out an incident form and, girl,

you know I don't have a pen. - Yeah.

No, obviously I'm not trying to kill anyone.

I'm not a man.

I'm crying laughing.

OK.

But seriously, what is it for?

OK.

You're never going to guess.

The Zara changing rooms!

- It's the mirrors! - Don't!

- Stop it! - Don't!

I'm going to literally ill now. - No!

Go! Go!

Oh my god! - I love you!

No, stop! I love you!

I love you! OK.

Tell me why I'm going into those changing

rooms with my arms full of jeans

and I'm leaving with my eyes full of tears.

Yeah, tell me why I'm going in there

with my arms full of crop tops and leaving with plans to bomb

it in the dead of the night.

Those things are similar.

OK.

Three words-- you, me, hanging out after this.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, obviously!

OK.

OK, I'm just going to grab that case.

Oh, oh-- yeah, so on that--

I'm so sorry, not to be a fun sponge.

OK?

But now I know there's a bomb in there,

I can't give it to you. - OK.

I'm on such thin ice with my boss

because I've been eating his lunch every day.

Yeah, but can I be a bitch for a second?

OK, my favorite sentence in the whole world.

I'm just going to snatch it and run anyway!

No, don't!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

No, no, no!

Excuse me, do you work here?

No, I'm dressed like this because I like it?

Hello?

Turn off your brain.

Turn on your brain!

It's like--

I'll just go ask someone else.

You guys seem like really good friends.

Aww, thank you.

OK, I have something to tell you.

All right?

This cardigan, it's Zara!

Oh, God.

And I also have something to confess.

Yeah?

I've never told anyone this, but I'm gay.

- Wait. - Wait.

Wait.

Wait, hang on.

Oh, my God, girl. - What?

Girl.

What?

This isn't a bomb!

It's a George Foreman grill.

Oh, my God!

I am never using Facebook Marketplace again!

God, I can't believe I said that joke

earlier about me being gay.

Yeah.

So, are we still hanging out later?

Well, it's--

It's just-- oh, God, this is so awkward, but no.

I already have loads of friends.

Like, for example, I've got my uni

girls, my Camp America girls, my National Youth

theater girls.

OK, yeah, so we just had a near-death experience together,

but I guess that means nothing?

Girl, I lowkey think you should just take the grill

and go because you're actually pissing me off.

Sure, fine.

The guy at lost property is gay.

No!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Meek!

♪ I just got my heart broken ♪

♪ But I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm back in therapy ♪

♪ I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ Tax man took my money ♪

♪ But I'm feeling way too fabulous ♪

♪ I ain't sad, ♪

♪ I'm just feelin' way too fabulous ♪

♪ The bigger my tears, ♪

♪ The bigger my lashes, ♪

♪ The curls in my hair ♪

♪ Bigger the hit, the hotter I feel ♪

♪ And the less than I care ♪

♪ The deeper it hurts, ♪

♪ More Vivienne Westwood I feel I deserve ♪

♪ If you know, you know ♪

♪ I just got my heart broken, but ♪

♪ I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm back in therapy, but ♪

♪ I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ Tax man took my money, ♪

♪ But I'm feeling way too fabulous ♪

♪ I ain't sad, I'm just feelin' way too fabulous ♪

♪ Liberace, tragedy in Versace ♪

♪ I'm like Mata Hari, ♪

♪ Keep secrets, serving body ♪

♪ Oh, ain't it the way ♪

♪ It's always the fierce who fight the hardest ♪

♪ What a shame ♪

♪ Slay to be slayed ♪

♪ Promise you'll dance in those stilettos on my grave ♪

♪ They say beauty is pain ♪

♪ But when I feel beautiful, ♪

♪ I barely feel the weight ♪

♪ I just got my heart broken, but ♪

♪ I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ Yes, I'm back in therapy, but ♪

♪ I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ Tax man took my money, but I'm ♪

♪ Feeling way too fabulous ♪

♪ I ain't sad, I'm just feelin' way too fabulous ♪

♪ I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ I'm feelin' way too fabulous ♪

♪ Feelin' way too fabulous ♪

♪ I just got my heart broken, but ♪

♪ I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ Yes, I'm back in therapy, but ♪

♪ I look way too fabulous ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Tax man took my money, but I'm ♪

♪ Feelin' way too fabulous ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I ain't sad, I'm just ♪

♪ Feelin' way too fabulous ♪

♪ The bigger my tears, ♪

♪ The bigger my lashes, ♪

♪ The curls in my hair ♪

♪ Bigger the hit, ♪

♪ The hotter I look and the less that I care ♪

♪ Deeper it hurts, ♪

♪ More Vivienne Westwood I feel I deserve ♪

♪ Yeah, 'cause I feel way too fabulous ♪

It's "Weekend Update" with Ania Magliano and Paddy Young!

Good evening, and welcome to "Weekend Update"!

I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano.

This week, King Charles and Queen Camilla

made their first official state visit to Washington, DC.

As part of the trip, Charles presented the president

with an engraved bell.

Ideally, Trump will wear the bell on a collar

like a cat to warn young women that he's approaching.

During the trip, the couples used

coordinated fashion to project unity between the two nations.

Camilla, seen here wearing Diana's horcrux,

attended the state dinner in a bespoke fuchsia gown.

The color of her dress complemented

both Melania's strapless pastel gown

and King Charles's iconic hot pink fingers.

As she welcomed the royal party to the White House,

Melania greeted the king with a kiss,

clicking her jaw against his to spell out "save me"

in Morse code.

In Virginia, the king and queen watched

a clog-dancing performance from a group

of Appalachian mountain folk.

Inbred over generations to the point of physical deformity,

Charles and Camilla enjoyed the clog dance.

Throughout the state visit, press coverage

of the conversations between the leaders

has been extremely guarded.

So to give us the inside scoop on what exactly was said,

here's a professional lip reader.

ú - Thanks for having me, Ania.

So you'reú a professional lip reader.

Sure.

OK, so can you take us through what

they're saying in this clip?

Absolutely.

OK, so-- OK, here's a question--

would you rather prawn growing out of your neck or no neck

at all?

Can I eat the prawn?

No way.

OK.

Sorry to interrupt, is that definitely

what they were saying?

Yeah, I lip readed it.

I'm a professional lip reader.

Oh, OK.

I can see in your eyes, you're not convinced, Ania.

It's OK.

Play another clip!

OK, so we've got two ladies here.

I'm not familiar with their work, but--

but they're saying, "Our hats are mad, right?"

"Tell me about it."

"What's your favorite crisps?"

"For me, Squares all day."

"Squares all day?

You're mad, girl!

I like McCoys because they're rigid.

You get more flavor because of the ridges!"

OK, OK, I think I have to stop.

You've come on saying you're a professional lip reader,

but you are clearly making it up.

Ania, please, I need this!

Please!

Please, one more chance!

One more chance!

OK, OK, OK.

Yes.

Fine, fine, but this is your last chance.

Thank you.

I haven't done this before.

I haven't.

OK, here we go.

"Have you seen 'Euphoria' series three?

It's shit."

OK, that's it.

You're out of here.

Guy who, I swear, told me he was a professional lip

reader, everyone.

On Saturday, a gunman stormed the White House Correspondents'

Dinner in Washington.

For all those in attendance, it was an undeniably

terrifying event.

President Donald Trump shat himself.

Then, minutes later, the shots rang out.

The host for the evening's event

was magician and mind reader Oz Pearlman,

who you can see here, using the power of his mind

to clamp my vagina shut.

In the aftermath of the shooting,

First Lady Melania Trump was quick to admonish

people for making light of the situation.

We're real people, she said, blinking sideways.

Newly elected Green MP Hannah Spencer has said it is shocking

that, quote, "You can smell the alcohol

when people are in between votes in Parliament."

In response, Speaker of the House Sir Lindsay Hoyle

said, "I bloody love you, you mad bastard.

Oi, oi, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, is that my knob having a piss?"

In a new attempt to keep Angela Raynor out of number 10,

a group of Labour MPs have launched a campaign

entitled "Anyone but Ange."

And if you don't know, "anyone but Ange"

is also who you ask for at the bar

if your date is going amazing.

Reform leader and your dad's favorite cam girl,

Nigel Farage, is in hot water over failing to declare a 5

million pound donation from Christopher Harborne,

a Thai-based crypto billionaire.

If found negligent by the electoral commission,

Farage could face an email of up to 400 words.

Reform has said that the 5 million

pound donation from Harborne wasn't political

and didn't have to be declared because it

was a purely personal gift.

Now, we can't say for certain what the payment was for,

but for 5 million pounds, Nigel must have been providing

some sort of valuable service.

And that's why Nigel Farage is my Power Bottom of the Week!

A postal worker in Somerset has found a nest of pigeons

living under his van.

It's mad.

Pigeons used to carry the post, and now

the post carries the pigeons.

What a crazy, mixed-up world we live in, folks.

What was that?

Sorry, I need to speak to my writers.

Oi, you call that a joke?

Do you want me to throw the dogs back in?

Do you?

Sorry about that.

Local elections will take place on May the 7th.

Here to discuss them, it's Larry Dean.

Larry, how do you see these local elections going?

@ - Well, Paddy, I don't know anything about politics,

ú but what I do know is people.

So I've traveled all around the world,

and I've found that you can tell how a person

votes by how they talk.

For example, in America, you can tell how someone

votes from their mouth.

So if they're from, like, a blue, Democratic state,

they will show you exactly what they're saying.

But as soon as you hit those red, Republican areas,

they'll stop moving the mouth altogether.

I think the reason why is they're usually

saying something horrendously racist or homophobic,

or they don't want anybody lip reading them knowing they're

the one that just said it.

And how can you tell how British people

are going to vote?

Well, in London, usually, Paddy, it's a posture thing.

So if you're a Labour working class voter, you're going

to be a lot more limp.

Even the jaw muscle's loose, probably from all the ketamine

they've been having.

And if you're a London Tory voter,

your posture will be stiffer, probably from all the Pilates

and flinching whenever their father walks in the room.

The number one rule, though, is if you're a posh Londoner,

you're not allowed to show any emotion until you're

finished your sentence.

Who am I voting for?

Well, I do like the idea of tax cuts,

but I don't want to seem selfish, so.

Liberal Democrat, ooh.

And how can you tell if someone votes Green?

Oh, don't worry, Paddy, they'll tell you.

And, uh--

What about Scotland?

Well, in Scotland-- you know how when you get older, you

become more right-wing, right?

That's why I think the Tories and

Reform will never win in Scotland, because we

don't live long enough.

Fascinating.

And tell me, Larry, how do they vote in China?

That's all for me, mate, thanks very much.

Cheers.

Larry Dean, everyone!

In big TV news, the lineup for the next

series of "Celebrity Traitors" was announced this morning.

It features plenty of exciting castings,

including Maya Jama, James Acaster, and

fan favorite Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini.

I'll be honest, I didn't really

like the "Celebrity Traitors."

That's what I call all those pigs who turned

their back on Gregg Wallace.

Scientists are trialing a new scanning technique that could

help diagnose endometriosis.

This completely non-invasive procedure

will be available to women nationwide

just as soon as doctors work out how

to make it incredibly painful.

In Pompeii, archaeologists have discovered the remains

of a Roman who fled the eruption of Mount Vesuvius

holding a bowl over his head.

If there's anything worse than a volcanic eruption,

it's a volcanic eruption while getting

a haircut from your mum.

New data shows that breast reduction

surgery has become more common than breast implant surgery.

And both options are far more popular than what

I went for, one of each.

Business, pleasure.

In the last few weeks, at least five people in Southport

have overdosed on contaminated heroin.

So if you're in Southport and taking heroin-- sorry,

what do I mean, if?

A new survey--

A new survey has found that 39% of young Brits who still

live with their parents say it affects

how often they have sex.

So if you want to keep having sex with your parents,

move out.

You'll get the spark back, trust me.

A West Ham supporter shocked other train passengers

traveling to the game after preparing

a steak dinner in the carriage with a pair

of hair straighteners.

When asked by his friends if he ran into any trouble on the way

to the game, he told them, there was a bit of beef,

but I straightened it out.

I told you.

I told you!

Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has

warned European airlines could go bust as the Iran war causes

a surge in jet fuel prices.

Here to comment on the increased cost of flying,

a woman who's been invited to her fourth destination wedding

this year, Ayoade Bamgboye!

I can't live like this.

ú War rages on, famine, floods.

You mean to tell me thatú with all these goings on,

your best foot forward is a wedding in Sardinia?

The Hindu as an arbiter, that's another 900 pounds.

I've dipped into my pension so we can make some TikToks.

These places aren't cheap.

You can't just not go?

You can't just not go-- shut up.

Shut up!

How do you think that's going to play out?

I'm the villain if I say, I don't want

to watch your 98-year-old grandma get a plane,

a ferry, and a bus.

I don't.

She's not going to make it.

What if you just treat it like a holiday?

Why are you thick?

I don't want to go to Marrakesh.

It's not on my list.

Whatever happened to just getting married down the road?

Whatever happened to white feminism?

Marriage is actually an outdated institution

that upholds patriarchal structures.

Emma Watson-- Emma Watson, where are you?

Help!

Are you saying you shouldn't get married at all?

When did I say-- let a woman speak.

Marriage is essential, especially

as it pertains to the transference of assets,

probates, and inheritance tax-- not my words, but

the words of Martin Lewis, money saving expert,

the greatest man alive today.

Is this still about destination weddings?

Martin Lewis, please--

I'm saving myself for you.

Ayoade Bamgboe, everybody!

For "Weekend Update", I'm Paddy Young!

And I'm Ania Magliano, goodnight!

Oh, my God.

Hello, Archie.

Hey, Bugbee.

Hello, Cripps.

You're right, Bacon.

Archie and Bugbee.

This is awkward.

Yeah, this is awkward.

I heard Sprinkly pulled you for a chat, Cripsey.

Oh, really?

Not gonna lie, kind of awks.

Yeah, it was awkward.

Archie, Bacon, do you mind if Bugbee and I have a moment?

We'll leave you to it.

It's good to see you.

Yeah, it's good to see you, too.

This is awkward.

Yeah.

Hello, you two.

Sprinkly!

Niiiice one, mate.

Sprinkly.

Cripsey, Bugbee.

Well, this is awkward.

Sprinkly, mate, don't take the pass-- have you

guys hooked up, yes or nah?

We have.

It was, like, one time.

Mate, no!

You must be taking the actual pass.

Friggers, Mippy Moo,ú Bacon again, hello you lot.

This is awkward.

You OK, Bugbee?

Yeah.

To be fair with you, Friggers, Sprinkly and

Cripps just ruined my life.

Can I have a moment with Sprinkly, please?

We'll leave you guys to it.

Nice one, Sprinkly, you fucking rodent.

You look butters today.

Cheers.

This is awkward.

How was Hong Kong?

Never been there.

Fair.

Did you sleep with Bacon?

Yeah, probably.

Oh, hello, Buttcheeks.

Bacon again.

Buttcheeks?

This is awkward.

Mippy Moo, Sprinkly.

Bacon, I heard you got a job.

Take that back!

Fair.

@ - Bacon, Sprinkly, could Iú have a moment with Mippy,

please, mate?

Course, mate.

We'll leave you to it.

Oh, God,

This is awkward.

All right.

Friggers, Landoughna, Cripps, again,

Bacon again-- wait, no Bacon.

You OK, Buttcheeks?

ú - Hello, Buttcheeks, shut up.

Shut up, Buttcheeks!

You bloody liar!

You must be taking the actually pass!

Did you or didn't you frig Friggers and Sprinkly up

the backside? - Me?

This is awkward.

Me, Friggers, and Cripps, or just me?

So did you or didn't you, yes or no?

You must be taking the actual pass!

I'm really upset, I'll leave you to it.

Mippy Moo, Cripsey, Landoughna, Buttcheeks,

I'm Bacon.

Buttcheeks, Bacon again.

Bacon, we'll leave you to it.

You're taking the actual pass, Landy.

Mippy Moo was really upset!

I'll leave you to it.

- Cripps. - Mippy Moo.

- Friggers. - Friggers!

Wait, wait!

Who the F are you?

Um, Michael.

Munty?

No, Michael.

What the Earth do you want, Michael?

I've been trying to get my mother's

corpse into that ambulance for the past five minutes.

Could you please move aside?

Yeah.

Fair, mate.

We'll leave you guys to it.

Post git.

This is awkward.

Fancy another one?

It's Meek!

♪ Yes ♪

♪ I like a drink and I still smoke cigarettes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ I'm so uncool and I don't have many friends ♪

♪ Guess ♪

♪ I'm what they call a lost cause ♪

♪ But then again-- ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ahhh ♪

♪ I was born for a different audience ♪

♪ We, ♪

♪ Glorious freaks, ♪

♪ Beautiful nightmares in feathers and beads ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ahh ♪

♪ Live to be queens ♪

♪ World full of weirdos and sinners like me ♪

♪ Na, nananana ♪

♪ Nanana naana ♪

♪ Nananana ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks! ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Nananana ♪

♪ We're beautiful ♪

♪ Yes, yes, yes ♪

♪ I'm well aware everybody's gonna judge me ♪

♪ I guess ♪

♪ I might as well make the world my runway ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Coming through and it won't be quietly ♪

♪ Ahah, aah ♪

♪ 'Cause I was born to little history ♪

♪ We glorious freaks ♪

♪ Beautiful nightmares in feathers and beads ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪

♪ Beautiful freaks ♪

♪ World full of weirdos ♪

♪ and sinners like me ♪

♪ Na, nananana ♪

♪ Nanana naana ♪

♪ Nananana ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪

♪ Na nananana ♪

♪ Oooh oh ♪

♪ Nananana ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks, ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks, ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks, ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪

♪ With beautiful nightmares ♪

♪ Nananana ♪

♪ We're beautiful freaks ♪

Thank you and goodnight!

Got what it takes, my wife.

Got friends 'round, got roast pork for lunch!

Plenty of taste, British pork.

Great value for money.

Fred's got plenty and Arthur's got plenty.

We've all got plenty!

Plenty to go around.

My wife's got what it takes.

British pork, what's it got?

It's got the lot.

Got pork for lunch on Sunday?

OK.

Cut!

Great work, Tony.

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Really good.

Guys, if we get this right, 1984

will be a landmark year for British pork.

Small thing though-- the British pork board

is now under new management.

Big change at the top, and the new team

are keen to go in a more frightening

direction with the adverts.

What, frightening?

Yes, they're hoping to frighten people

into eating more British pork.

Seems like a risky strategy.

Yeah, well, a few of the board's members

are in today, if you want to give them a wave.

Oh!

Oh, hello-- hello, everyone.

So let's run it again from the top.

Tony, I hate to give you a line read.

I think your first line is more like,

"Got what it takes, my wife."

What, more like a dark rage?

Like, got what it takes, my wife!

Got friends 'round.

Got roast pork for lunch!

That's it!

That seems-- that seems extreme.

Well, the pork board are loving it.

Just an idea, feel free to shoot me down,

but why doesn't Tony do all the lines?

I don't know about that.

It might come across like a, well,

a monologue full of hatred and menace.

Well, that's what we're going for, I think, yeah.

What would you be doing then, sorry?

Well, well, I thought that maybe I

could pour the gravy and sort of look at him like this.

Oh, God.

Yeah!

Oh, jeez!

Oh, yeah, that's brilliant!

I got chills from that!

Yes.

And Arthur, can you match that energy, do you reckon?

Yeah, maybe something along the lines of--

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Mwah!

Question about the music in the background, how--

Yeah, I was going to say maybe we lose the music.

Yeah, and instead of us talking,

we mime the conversation so we can hear

Tony's horrible monologue.

Yeah, but then-- but everyone's just

eating in silence.

What if we clattered our cutlery on the plates

really loudly, then it wouldn't be silent?

You know, like this.

Sort of like--

Yeah, and move your mouths as well, sort of--

yeah, that's nasty.

I love it, really nasty.

I've never seen the pork board so happy.

I think that's the reaction we're looking for, really.

So, um, great.

Great suggestions, everyone. Let's go for a take, shall we?

OK. Everybody ready?

And action.

Got what it takes, my wife!

Got friends 'round.

Got roast pork for lunch!

Keep saying it!

Plenty of taste, British pork!

Real value for money!

Fred's got plenty and Arthur's got plenty.

We've all got plenty!

I'm sorry, that just--

that seems insane to me!

That's really mad.

Take two minutes, everyone, Tony, come.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I don't mean to be a bother.

I'll sit down.

So, Tony.

The way I'm seeing it, as far as I'm concerned, right,

the pork's in the oven, OK?

The crackling is crisping up real nice.

All it needs, just a little bit of seasoning,

and that's where you come in.

All right?

What are you talking about?

I am talking about pork, Tony!

It's always been about the pork!

It's time to join the conversation, OK?

Now, are you gonna join the conversation, right?

Or are we going to have to go elsewhere and

start talking to someone else? 'Cause

there's thousands of scary looking old blokes

out there who would give their left nuts to be standing where

you're standing right now! - OK, I can do it.

I can do it!

I can do it.

I know that, Tony, right?

The pork board know that.

It's time for you to show that to the world, OK?

OK!

OK, OK!

- Yeah? - I can do this.

You can do this. All right!

Places, everyone.

Tony, head of the table, ready to carve in 3, 2, 1-- action!

Got what it takes, my wife.

Got friends 'round.

Got roast pork for lunch.

British pork, real value for money.

Fred's got plenty and Arthur's got plenty.

We've all got plenty.

Plenty to go around.

My wife's got what it takes.

British pork.

What's it got?

It's got the lot.

ú- Got pork for lunch on Sunday?

My biggest thanks to Meek, and a huge thank you

to the cast writers, , happy birthday,

Danny-- and everyone working on the show for making

this such a great week!

It's been so amazing to host "SNL UK"!

Goodnight!