Original subtitles

Why are we having a barbecue?

It's freezing.

Because four days ago, it was really hot.

Come on.

This is fun, all right?

Let's play a drinking game.

OK, I'll start.

Never have I ever kissed two boys on the same night.

Oh.

Guilty.

Me next.

Never have I ever accidentally booked a neo-Nazi

to headline a music festival for three

nights without a backup plan.

Girl, you said you wouldn't bring that up!

OK, OK, OK.

Never have I ever been friends with Jeffrey Epstein.

Is that Melania Trump?

I said, never have I ever been friends

with billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

What are you doing in a garden in Croydon?

I am here to stop you nasty people

spreading rumors about me.

We weren't doing that.

We weren't even talking about you.

Oh, oh.

Ooh.

Are you OK?

Of course not.

Now, let's play--

Let's play a new game.

OK, truth or dare.

Oh, my god, how dare you accuse me of female

friendship with short-haired sex

trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell?

Why do you keep bringing up all the Epstein stuff?

Yeah, like, your husband literally started

a war to distract us from it.

It was kind of working, to be fair to the lad.

Yeah, I mean.

A new game, charades.

I'll go first.

Is it the Epstein files?

Yes.

And, oh, look, I am not in them.

Well, this area has changed so much

since they opened that Gail's.

Uh, look, it was really nice meeting you,

but we're going to go back inside.

Good idea.

Let's go inside.

No, not you.

You're making it weird.

I beg for one last chance.

I have no friends since they all randomly died

in a maximum security prison.

Fine, but this is legit your last chance, diva.

OK, OK.

Final game, two truths and lie.

I love my new friends.

Aw.

I like poor people--

wink, wink.

And live from London, it's "Saturday Night."

It's "Saturday Night

Live" With

Hammed Animashaun.

Ayoade Bamgboye.

Larry Dean.

Celeste Dring.

Georgie Fouracres.

Ania Magliano.

Annabel Marlowe.

Al Nash.

Jack Shep.

Emma Sidi.

Paddy Young.

úAnd musical guest, Jorja Smith.

ú And your host, Jack Whitehall.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall!

Hello.

Hello and good evening!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm Jack Whitehall, and I'm so excited to be

your host tonight.

And can I start by saying what an amazing series

it has already been?

"SNL UK," crushing it, with some amazing hosts as well.

Week 1, they had SNL royalty.

Week 2, they had an international sex symbol.

Week 3, an Academy Award winner.

And this week, you guys get the star

of "Clifford the Big Red Dog."

Oh, yeah, the stuff of dreams.

"SNL UK," I love that.

Do you know what else I love?

I love that, finally, we've taken one of their shows.

Right?

Yeah, America has had enough of ours.

Yeah, they had "The Office," "The Bake Off."

They had that one, the reality show

my fiancée loves, the one where they

follow the dating lives of people

with learning difficulties--

"Love Island," "Love Island."

That's the one.

We weren't sure about that one.

It's fine.

They can edit it out.

This is a big deal.

This is a big deal hosting this.

But do you know what?

It's not even the biggest thing that's going on in my life

right now.

Because next week, I am genuinely getting married.

Thank you.

Yeah, I really shouldn't be here.

I am the groom, though.

That's very much a ceremonial role.

I just am there to nod everything through.

It has been noted, the other day, my fiance turned to me.

She went, Jack, in one of those meetings with the wedding

planners, when they were talking to you,

it was literally like they were talking to a wall.

I was thinking, yeah, a wall with a cash machine in it.

It's honestly out of control-- the flowers,

the canopies, the band.

We only went and booked bloody Scott Mills as the wedding DJ.

Not seeing that deposit again.

Everything has to be bespoke as well.

Bespoke-- that is a word right now that

makes my sphincter clench.

She insisted on having bespoke invitations, right?

These ridiculous things.

It was, like, on a fold-out booklet, handwritten in quill

by a blind Franciscan monk, bits of parchment paper

that had been ripped out the back of the Magna Carta,

sealed with a gold ribbon, and delivered to all

of our guests via peacock.

They asked me what I wanted for invitations.

I said, what is wrong with a WhatsApp group?

Simple, efficient, easy to kick anyone off

if they ask to bring a child.

Nope, had to fork out for a calligrapher instead--

a calligrapher.

How is that still even a thing?

Every day, I read about how AI is coming for our jobs.

How has it not come for the calligraphers already?

How is a calligrapher affording his mortgage in 2026?

Oh, I'll tell you how.

This schmuck here.

Really going for the calligraphy community tonight.

I can already see it.

I'm going to get a load of angry letters

in beautiful handwriting.

We over-invited as well.

The other day, my missus, she turned to me,

and she said, oh, Jack, you know,

sometimes I wish that it could just be me and you.

You couldn't have mentioned that before?

Where was this attitude six months ago?

I don't want to see any of these people.

I've spent the last two months praying for another pandemic.

Thankfully, though, I did save a little bit of money

on the honeymoon.

Oh yeah, she wanted to go on a romantic cruise.

I got an unbelievable deal on two weeks

narrowboating down the Straits of Hormuz.

Bargain, and a free fireworks display every night.

Honestly though, it's like planning a royal wedding,

literally, in that the whole thing could be

ruined if my uncle turns up.

We're doing that as well, at the moment, the seating plan.

That's very stressful, right?

I don't want to be too indiscreet,

but we've got these two guests coming, right,

and they slept together, like, years ago.

And now, they do not talk.

I know, awkward.

I was like, surely, we put them at opposite ends

of the marquee.

But my fiancée is insisting that my mom

and dad sit together.

It's so nice to be-- it's so nice to be here this evening

as well, to have a little bit of a distraction.

Thank you.

I'm going to let you into a little secret.

Tonight is also the night that my fiancée is on her hen do.

So it's really nice to be here.

Yeah, I'm here with you, cracking gags.

She is currently in Soho, getting dry humped

by one of Magic Mike, which also

means that, technically, this is kind of my second stag.

Oh, yeah.

We're going to have so much fun this evening, guys.

Stick around for some hilarious sketches, and music

from the amazing Jorja Smith.

That's number 250 for Gary Thomas.

Go on, Gary Thomas.

Gary is still the highest-scoring striker

ever to play for Albion.

And he owes a lot to the first man

@ ever to teach him to kick a ball, his old school

teacher Ted Bagley.

He probably won't recognize me 'cause he

won't believe it's me.

Hello, Gary.

Long time, no see.

Mr. Bagley.

You're alive.

I'm alive, he says.

How are you doing?

Someone said you was dead.

I'm so glad how well you've done for yourself.

He was so supporting.

He kind of, like, had me as his-- kind

of like his special guy.

Hello, Gary.

Mrs. Todd.

ú Someone said you was dead.

Well, not as sprightly as I used to be, but still going.

Truth be told, I was only his substitute French teacher

for a couple of weeks, when Monsieur Durand

was helping the police with their enquiries.

But we're all so proud of Gary.

Hello, Gary, son.

Dad.

No, hold on, you're definitely dead.

Hey, not yet, boy.

I saw you laid into the ground.

ú- No man, I was never in there.

I left his mother, and we agreed it were

better he thought I were dead.

I'd only moved two streets over.

Hello, Gary.

My god, it's the jogger I hit on that misty country lane.

I finished you off with a brick before I fled the scene.

They ended up sticking a metal plate in my bonce.

I can't believe it.

I love that free kick you scored against Watford.

Harambe.

Dobby.

Master Gary.

I thought you was both dead as well.

I'm so proud of you, Master Gary.

Go on, Gary Thomas.

All right, lads, you hear that?

It's 50,000 people counting on us.

Let's get fired up.

Yeah, let's go!

Come on.

We boys, are we going to do it?

We got this.

Let's score goals and have them score no goals.

Yes, let's go.

Hey, guys.

I'm just bringing in your mascots for the day.

Now, these are our lucky competition winners.

Say hello to the boys.

Hello.

Yeah.

All right, now once you've walked out there

and said hello to the big crowd,

I'll take you to mom and dad, OK?

Thanks, lads.

You doing this, it really makes some of these kids' days.

Yeah, anything for the Badge.

All right, lads, let's do this.

Let's go.

Hey guys, quick question before we go out.

Yes, Jonesy.

Does anyone want to swap kids?

What-- what do you mean, swap kids?

Well, like, one of you guys walks out with my kid,

and I walk out with one of your kids.

I don't like my one.

I mean, what's wrong with your one?

Well, look, something's off about it.

They're just kids, man.

Let's get out there and play.

Yeah, but that's the thing though.

I feel like if I walk out there with this one,

I'm going to play badly.

That's ridiculous.

Who cares what kid you walk out with, man?

Well, if you don't care, why don't we swap?

No one's swapping kids.

That's easy for you to say.

You got a good one.

Leave it.

This is the Derby.

No distractions!

Yeah, man, no distractions.

This is so unfair.

Last week when we played Fulham,

I got the worst one then too, but I didn't say anything.

And then I played really badly.

So this time, I'm speaking up.

Oh.

Oh, for God's sake, maybe we should just swap out kids.

Are you serious?

Just do it, Woodsy, so we can get out there.

Fine.

But just so you know, this is ridiculous.

Sorry, mate.

There you go.

There, happy?

Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

- OK, ready, lads? - We're ready.

Let's go. - Actually, no.

What?

This one's worse.

Are you serious right now?

Yeah, I'm going to be honest.

Now that I've got this one, I'm getting big

"Adolescence" vibes.

I couldn't tell from far away.

All right, well, I'm not swapping back,

if that's what you're asking.

Yeah, of course you don't want to swap back.

You tricked me into accepting an absolute stinker

and got away with it.

Well, that's your problem, isn't it?

Wait, hang on, bro?

Did you willingly swap kids knowing your one

was worse than Jonesy's?

Hey, that's not on.

Yeah, not cool, Woodsy.

All right, so what if I did? I'm the captain.

I stand at the front.

I should get one of the best kids.

Why should you get one of the best kids?

Guys, guys, this is getting toxic.

We need a random reshuffle of the kids.

And that's big of me to suggest,

considering I've probably got the best

one I've had all season. - What are you talking about?

You always get the good ones.

I always get the bad kid.

That's not true.

Guys, guys, we had a good system when I was at Burnley.

We wrote each kid on a piece of paper and pull them from a hat.

But if you got man of the match the week before,

and you weren't happy with your first kid,

you were allowed, for one, to redraw.

It sounds all right.

Guys, guys, listen to yourselves.

This might sound crazy, but why don't we ask the kids

who they want to go with?

They might have a favorite player.

Could really make their day. - Shut up.

Are you stupid?

I vote for the Burnley system.

Right, Burnley system it is.

I'll get a hat.

Start the game without me.

Hello, and welcome to "Mastermind,"

with me, Clive Myrie.

I'm so good, I can host quiz shows.

But Stephen Mulhern could never read the news.

Let's welcome our first contender.

Your name?

Ben Michael.

Your occupation?

Something in IT.

And your specialist subject?

Things my mom has told me about people I've never met

and have no connection to.

That's right, your mom, Sue, is

a glorious gossiper who seems to know

everything about everyone.

In two minutes-- your time starts now.

Who recently had a tire stolen off their caravan

ú whilst holidaying in Dorset?

Peggy and Len.

Yes.

@ Why does Linda from Pilatesú have an extra wheelie bin?

She got a free one by pretending to be

ú a registered child minder.

Yes.

Whilst traveling by train, who did

your second cousin Monica's driving

ú instructor think they saw?

Nick Knowles.

Yes.

And for a bonus point, what was he eating?

Chicken from his jacket pocket.

Yes.

@In 2012, your mom's podiatrist,ú Helen, caught an eye infection

from what white liquid?

Out of date sun cream?

ú - No, no, no, no, mayonnaise.

Why didn't Frank come to the pub last Friday?

Uh, because his gout flare up means

ú he currently can't wear shoes.

Yes.

What's this?

Oh, I know this.

What is that?

ú That is Lynn's post-op scar?

ú- No, Joe from number steen's--

Joe from number 17's brand new patio.

Ah, I knew that.

Who died last week?

Uh, Gillian of Gary and Gillian,

who they met on a cruise 23 years ago.

Yes.

And for a bonus point, what from?

ú - Oh, Mum, did tell me that.

Uh, eeh, sorry, pass.

What noise has Miriam Martin's air

fryer started making?

Um,ú ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch?

ú- No, it's slp-slp-slp-slp-slp.

On Tuesday, what piece of information

@ did your mom tell you not to put on the internet?

ú - That Pat has a new gate.

Yes.

Why is Raoul the treeú surgeon divorcing his wife?

ú - Because she cheated on him.

I need you to be more specific.

ú - With a very tall woman.

I'll accept that.

@ In what chain restaurant didú Fiona's daughter get engaged?

Las Iguanas?

No, Turtle Bay.

Whose hair transplant hasn't taken?

Angela from next door's brother-in-law's

@ husband's plumber's sister's friend, Gary Fulcher.

Hey, that's me!

Yes.

ú According to her doctor--

I've started, so I'll finish--

who has a rare glandularú condition that makes her sweat

ú smell exactly like gravy?

Angie from the co-op.

@ - Yes, Ben, at the end of thatú round, you have 10 points

and one pass.

The answer was, of course, she was kicked to death by a horse.

Ah!

Yeah, sorry, I was scrolling when she told me.

I should have paid attention.

That's why you must always listen to Mummy.

Thank you.

Our next contender, please.

Your name?

Polly Holton.

Your occupation?

Something else in IT.

And your specialist subject?

Life changing texts my dad has replied to with the thumbs

up emoji.

Dad, I got into art school.

What's that got to do with World War Two?

Struggling to connect with your dad?

You're not alone.

Dads are scientifically proven to be amongst the hardest

parents to connect with.

They're the train Wi-Fi of people.

But have you ever wondered if maybe

ú you've just got the wrong one?

Introducing DadSwap.

DadSwap.

Using an advanced algorithm, DadSwap

takes your hobbies and passions and matches

ú you with a brand new dad--

Bonjour, new son.

while re-homing your dad with someone more his speed.

My dad didn't know how to raise a girl,

but Steve does, don't you, Steve?

I'm a girl dad now.

I'm a punk rocker, but all my boring old dad wanted

to talk about was Bossa Nova.

Thanks to DadSwap, I found the punk daddy just for me.

My Dad always struggled to accept my sexuality.

But now, thanks to DadSwap, I have a gay dad who has

all the same hobbies as me.

One thing we didn't think about

was how easy it would be to develop romantic feelings

for your new dad.

We both love to paint.

We've got so much to talk about.

And now we're engaged.

I mean, they're both adults.

They're not related, so technically, it is allowed.

It's not just gay dads.

I'm also dating my new dad.

It's not illegal.

I know.

I said it's technically allowed,

but I'm saying I do not endorse this use of the app.

I do understand how this has happened.

Obviously, a man has just moved into your house.

You're both emotionally vulnerable.

He's got all the same hobbies as you.

He's just left his wife.

You're spending more and more time together.

I've-- I've invested so much money in this app.

I have absolutely [bleep] it.

I downloaded DadSwap and traded my dad for a guy

my own age.

That's not a dad, that's a boyfriend.

There's other apps for doing that.

ú This one is for swapping dads.

DadSwap, if it happens, it happens.

It's not illegal.

I know.

Here we are on the 18th hole.

You could cut the tension with a knife.

We're not whispering.

This is just as loud as our voices can go.

You're joining us at the Masters.

We're at the end of a marathon playoff between Iain Connor and

Sven Nielson.

And Iain Connor is just one putt away

from his first Masters title.

Here it goes.

And he's finally done it.

Look how much it means to him.

Amazing.

And here comes his wife.

Oh, look at the emotion.

Oh, and a lovely little kiss there.

Beautiful scenes.

Here comes his trusty caddie, Bruce Atkins.

They've been together for years.

Just lovely.

And, oh, looks like they're sharing a little kiss as well.

Fantastic scenes.

Oh, and here's Sven Nielson, his opponent.

He fought so valiantly today, a true competitor.

Big handshake there.

What a gentleman.

And, oh, yeah, going for the solitary kiss for him, too.

What sportsmanship.

Amazing scenes.

And here comes Sven's wife.

Oh, yeah.

It looks like she's sharing a kiss with Iain too.

And now Iain's wife is stepping back onto the green,

and she's-- wha--yeah, she's sharing a little kiss

with her husband's opponent.

But will the wives go in for a kiss, too?

Yeah, oh, oh, they will, yes.

And now they're-- oh, yeah, they're all sharing

little kisses with each other.

This is what golf is all about.

Yes, the atmosphere here is electric.

Oh, what's happening now?

Is that?

Yeah, it looks like they're all swapping keys.

Wow.

That's a big step for any polycule.

Some might say they're moving too fast,

but the crowd are loving it.

Incredible scenes here on the 18th green.

And oh, yeah, it looks like they're

taking partú in a commitment ceremony,

promising to treat each other with respect

and always maintain open communication.

What a weekend of golfú this is turning out to be.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Oh, and what's happening now?

I think that yeah, they have-- they've

ordered a super king size mattress that they

can all sleep on together.

That's the biggest mattress size you can get.

Amazing scenes.

Yeah, and you have to assume they're

going to go for the classic arrangement.

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

Absolutely.

We're watching masters at work.

Sven there signing for the package.

Oh, yeah, now he's giving the delivery guy a kiss.

Oh, here come the wives.

They're sharing a little kiss with the delivery driver, too.

Oh, but whoa.

It looks like there's no little kiss for Iain.

Unprecedented scenes.

And, oh, it looks like now the other three members

are explaining to Iain that he's

being replaced in the polycule by the delivery guy.

Golf can be such a cruel sport.

It truly can.

It truly, truly can.

And oh, what's this?

It looks like Iain's taking his phone out.

I think he's-- yep, he's getting back on the apps.

Yeah, he's looking for some rebound sex.

And can you blame him after the day he's had?

First he bogeyed the fifth hole,

then he opened up his marriage and ruined his life.

Mm, and oh, what's this?

Looks like he's found a match. - You're right.

Is that-- it is.

It's Bruce Atkins, his old caddy.

Ah, amazing.

Those two have so much history together.

But finally, they canúconsummate their unspoken love.

What a day.

What a day of golf we have witnessed.

It just goes to show sometimes the love of your life

can be right underneath your nose.

Maybe it's someone you've been working with for years and

years, but can't bring yourself to say anything,

for fear of rejection.

Well, I've seen enough golf to know

that sometimes those feelings are reciprocated,

and the other person is just waiting for the first person

to make a move.

Well, that's it for the "Golf Today."

Join us next week for the LIV tournament

in Saudi Arabia, where we weren't be invited.

Good night.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jorja Smith.

♪ Little things, eh, eh, oh, god, hey ♪

♪ I didn't know that you'd be here tonight ♪

♪ Saw you again ♪

♪ Think this must be a sign ♪

♪ Nothing you said ♪

♪ It was all in your eyes, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Can I get close ♪

♪ Even for just one time? ♪

♪ It's the little things that get me high ♪

♪ Get me high ♪

♪ Won't you come with me and spend the night? ♪

♪ Just a little thing for you and I ♪

♪ Little things, yeah ♪

♪ If it's meant to be ♪

♪ Then that's all right ♪

♪ Oh, god ♪

♪ It's the little things that get me high ♪

♪ Get me high ♪

♪ Won't you come with me and spend the night? ♪

♪ Just a little thing for you and I ♪

♪ Little things, yeah ♪

♪ And if it's meant to be ♪

♪ Then that's all right ♪

♪ Oh, god, it's the little things ♪

♪ With you, it's such a sweet escape ♪

♪ So if we leave ♪

♪ Will anybody notice, notice? ♪

♪ If you don't want to play these games ♪

♪ Just tell me what you need ♪

♪ And we can go there ♪

♪ Only here for the weekend ♪

♪ I've just stepped out with my friends ♪

♪ Don't tell me that you're leaving ♪

♪ Think I came at the right time ♪

♪ Do you know what's on my mind? ♪

♪ Can you stay for the evening? ♪

♪ It's the little things that get me high ♪

♪ Get me high ♪

♪ Won't you come with me and spend the night? ♪

♪ Just a little thing for you and I ♪

♪ And if it's meant to be ♪

♪ Then it's all right, oh ♪

♪ It's the little things that get me high ♪

♪ Won't you come with me and spend the night? ♪

♪ Just a little thing for you and I ♪

♪ Oh, oh, yeah ♪

♪ And if it's meant to be ♪

♪ Then that's all right ♪

♪ It's the little things that get me high ♪

♪ And keep me going ♪

♪ Just a little bit of you and I ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ Just a little thing for you and I ♪

♪ Just a little bit of you and I ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ It's the little things that get me high ♪

♪ And keep me going ♪

♪ Just a little bit of you and I ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ Just a little thing for you and I ♪

♪ Just a little bit of you and I ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ What time is it ♪

♪ When the party start? ♪

♪ What time is it ♪

♪ When the party start? ♪

It's Weekend Update with Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.

Good evening, and welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Paddy Young

And I'm Ania Magliano.

Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally

arrived in the Gulf region this week,

just in time for the evening do of the Iran war.

Starmer, seen here describing his favorite shape of tube,

was accompanied on the trip by a team of reporters.

And after spending three days with Keir Starmer,

they might be the first journalists in Saudi Arabia

to kill themselves.

Due to security constraints, Starmer was only able to travel

with a small number of journalists,

or what the Saudi crown prince would call "a suitcase full."

In the UAE, after 70 Brits have been jailed--

after filming missile strikes, which is a useful reminder

to put your phone away and just enjoy

missile strikes in the moment.

Disgraced former minister and friend of Jeffrey Epstein,

Peter Mandelson, seen here connecting

his cock to Bluetooth--

is being fined 300 pounds for urinating in public.

I feel sorry for Mandelson.

We've all been there.

Not there.

Jesus, I'm not needing a wee!

This morning, the Artemis II mission returned to Earth.

Mission Commander Reid Wiseman said there were,

quote, "no adjectives to describe what

they observed on the moon."

May I suggest "moony"?

President Donald Trump--

President Donald Trump managed to speak

to the crew on the phone this week, while they were

on the other side of the moon.

So remember, girls, if he wanted to, he would.

Artemis II splashed down successfully

in the Pacific Ocean.

It was called a "monumental achievement"

by the scientific community and "the darkest

day in our history" by the pod of dolphins it smashed into.

Rishi Sunak has posted a photo of himself on crutches

after, quote, "showing off to his daughters

on an Easter skiing trip."

Well, I don't know who this Rishi Sunak fellow

is, but get well soon.

The Grand National took place today.

And in a Weekend Update exclusive,

we have the winner of the race with us in the studio.

It's Paul Townend.

Hello, everyone.

Good evening.

Paul, firstly, congratulations on the win.

What was it like out there?

Well, to be fair, a tough race for me.

First couple of fences, I found tricky,

but after a few furlongs, I pushed

through and took the trophy.

Oh, sorry, did I interrupt?

Hi.

Can we help you?

No, I-- just weird.

I just thought this was an interview with the winner

of the Grand National.

And then I turn up, and you're chatting

to this free-riding prick.

Sorry, who are you?

My name is I Am Maximus, right?

The horse that actually won the Grand National.

No.

You're the horse I rode to win the Grand National.

The absolute cheek of this guy.

What exactly did you contribute?

I'm 6% body fat.

I can run at 35 miles an hour.

I got a dick like a Pringles tube, by the way.

Oh, sorry, what was your skill set again?

Oh, yes, being 4 foot 9.

- How dare you? - How dare you?

Ju, ju, ju, ju, ju.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, let's

not ruin the good name of horses being forced

to run for our pleasure.

Well, I worked hard too.

It's grueling.

I sprained my elbow.

Oh, yeah, you sprained your elbow, and what happened?

They'd cover you up in a white tent and shoot you?

Yeah, I thought not.

That's standard practice.

Standard prac-- you don't get it, do you, little gerbil?

You don't know what it's like out there, man--

brutal heat, scary jumps, not to mention you whip me.

I told you, I wasn't into that!

I made my boundaries very clear.

Neigh means neigh.

Oh, Maximus.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Is there anything I can do?

Let me ride you.

What?

Let me ride you.

Here?

Live on Sky TV?

And streaming the next day on Peacock?

Yeah.

Let me know the thrill of commanding another.

OK, just this once.

Get on.

How's it feel?

Good, yeah.

Is that a Pringles tube in your pocket?

We ride!

Jesus!

The Grand National winners, everyone.

Ringo Starr has claimed that broccoli is what helps

him tour at the age of 85.

That and having been in a band called The Beatles.

New research from Oxford University

has found that artificial intelligence can

be used to detect fat that is otherwise

invisible to the human eye.

Who do you think you are, my mom?

Controversial us surveillance firm Palantir

has been given access to details

of 1.5 million NHS employees.

It's insane.

Giving the keys to our health system to Palantir,

a sinister military contractor with links to the CIA,

which makes billions profiting from targeting

systems for drone strikes is such a great idea.

I love Palantir.

Palantir, driving productivity across the UK

through AI-powered software.

Steve--

Steve Wainwright, a retired engineer and DIY enthusiast

from Peterborough, has become obsessed

with making oversized models of everyday objects.

Well done, Steve.

Here's your medication.

What time is it?

It's prison time.

That's right.

X Factor's Chico has been sentenced for drink driving.

After giving an emotional speech to court,

he's got the jury's vote.

But will he impress the judges?

In a new effort to protect hedgehogs, officials in Germany

are planning to ban the nighttime use

of automatic lawnmowers, or as German hedgehogs call them,

nacht kunst.

The Welsh town of Ebbw Vale has

been named Britain's fattest town, much

to the annoyance of its mayor.

"These labels don't help us.

They're outdated and, quite frankly,

offensive," he said fatly.

Italian researchers have conducted tests

on the Shroud of Turin, the linen cloth in which Jesus is

believed to have been buried.

Their findings reveal traces of DNA,

including those of cats and carrots.

Feline companions and root vegetables.

So Jesus was living as a bisexual woman.

A ferry service in Southampton

has gone into liquidation.

Well, yeah, that's how boats work.

Oxfordshire police are hunting a shopper who defecated

on a shop shelf in Banbury.

The suspect is described as really

needing a shit in Banbury.

Unfortunately for a nearby John Lewis, they had to match it.

On Thursday, K-pop band BTS kicked off

their $1 billion world tour on the back

of their hit single "Swim."

But my question is--

Don't ask me.

I'm not really into K-pop.

A report has found almost two-thirds of Gen Z

say they go out less than before.

Here to tell us what's really going on

is our Gen Z correspondents, Annabel Marlow and Jack Shep!

Hi, Paddy.

Hi.

What the hell is going on with Gen Z?

It's simple.

Every Friday night, Gen Z like to--

Huff a little glue and show a little nip.

And that's Gen Z.

Let's break it down for him.

On Friday, we--

Go to Hyde Park in Leeds, split the G,

and practice our bird noises.

Show him, girl.

Gen Z love making sound effects.

Jack can do a gunshot from really far away.

Show him, girl.

And Annabel does a really good

impression of saying thanks to a waiter when you're mid-convo.

But why do Gen Z like sound effects?

'cause we're expressing our gender, of course.

Gen Z loves gender.

I express my gender by looking like Clare Balding

if she were a Vampire Weekend fan.

And I express my gender by being a girl at the pub, sorry.

So sorry.

Instead of clubbing, Gen Z are doing what exactly?

Well, they're going to the black-and-white pictures,

roll out the carpet, have a little cigarette.

And then we post a link to an infographic about gay rights.

And wrongs.

I'll tell you what's gay wrong-- these titties.

This sounds like maybe it's just you two.

No, no, no, no, no.

I really don't know how much more obvious we can make this.

Gen Z love to--

Huff a little glue, show a little nip,

and call in a bomb threat.

I still don't get what Gen Z like.

I'll tell you what we like, you rude old bitch.

We love the music of Steely Dan,

"Catcher in the Rye," and the work of character

actor Bob Hoskins.

Oh, "The Long Good Friday."

Now, that was a key.

We love making that noise, too.

You keeping up, Pads?

I think I get it now.

Gen Z like to--

Huff glue, show nip, bomb threat.

Jack Shep and Annabel Marlow, everyone!

Oh, for "Weekend Update," I'm Paddy Young.

And I'm Ania Magliano, good night!

♪ [UPBEAT ♪

♪ # # MUSIC] ♪

Darling, that was the most perfect evening.

And now the kids are asleep, it's about to get even better.

Ooh.

Happy anniversary, Wendy.

Happy anniversary, my love.

Well, well, well.

If Wendy Darling hasn't found herself another lost boy.

Oh, my god.

Peter, is that you?

Surprise!

Did you miss me.

Clearly not, because you never bloody called.

Who is this pirate?

Captain Can't-Grow-a-Beard?

He's not a pirate, Peter.

He's my husband.

Oh, wow.

What does husband do?

Professional loser?

I'm a neurosurgeon.

Great, neurosurgeon.

Tell me this, mate.

Can you fly?

Mm.

No.

Didn't think so.

Hold my beer.

To the skies!

Oh, my god!

That's a stupid place to have put that.

Wendy, who is this?

And why is he dressed like a homeless Robin Hood?

Hey.

Relax, chief.

I'm just an old flame.

Wendy and I used to, uh, go all the way

to mornin' back in the day, if you know what I mean.

Sex.

Yes, we got that.

What are you doing here, Peter?

Well, I just popped by, didn't I,

to let you know that I am crushing it.

Yeah, and what exactly are you crushing?

Shut your mouth, you piece of virgin.

Listen, Wendy, why don't you sack off this absolute mood

Hoover and come with me.

Let us fly. - God, no.

Hello.

OK, don't worry.

I'll pay for that.

Peter, you've really got to go.

It's been 40 years. I'm married.

I've got children!

Yeah, I know.

That's great, cause I've got a girlfriend, too, so--

Do you?

No.

Oh, God, you're really not doing well.

No, I'm not.

Neverland sucks now.

The Lost Boys got found.

Smee got long COVID.

Tinker Bell's on OnlyFans.

Oh.

Oh, Peter.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

Sorry, my bad.

That one's on me. I misjudged that.

You need to leave now.

OK, fine, yes, I'm leaving.

I've got things to do anyway.

Because, as I said, crushing it.

Sure you don't want to come with me?

Nope, that's fine.

Didn't want you anyway.

Airborne.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, come on.

Oh, I'm OK.

I'm OK.

Ha.

Maybe I'll just take the stairs.

- Mm. - Thank you.

Ha. Love you.

Oh.

Ah.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry about him.

Listen, those days are in the past.

There's no one I'd rather be with than you.

Don't worry about it.

We've all got weird exes.

Happy anniversary, Wendy.

Happy anniversary, love.

Now, that hasn't spoiled the mood, has it?

Of course not.

Now, where were we?

Where were we?

Just checking.

Room for a little one?

Oh, go on.

Let's fly.

Whoo!

Welcome back to "Falling Down a Hill with Helen Birch."

I'm Helen Birch.

Well, we can hardly avoid the topic,

so I'd like to state for the record that I am by no means

a fan of the renaming of this program.

It's true that I have occasionally fallen down

some hills, but it's my view the program needn't have been

retitled to reflect that fact.

So I hope you'll forgive me if I occasionally

refer to the program by its original title

for the first 14 series.

That's "Helen Birch's Birches of St. Helens."

Now, on with the program.

We're here, as ever, just on the outskirts of St. Helens,

very nearly into Haddock Village proper,

which is just beyond the brow of this hill.

And here's a lovely birch I found.

Oh, no.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, oh, ow.

♪ - Once again, # Jorja # Smith.

♪ I'm not afraid to die today ♪

♪ I could have chose somebody else to love ♪

♪ Give me the gun, I'll take the blame ♪

♪ And cover up your darker shade of blood ♪

♪ I'll feel the rain ♪

♪ And turn the pain into gold ♪

♪ And that's just the price of it all ♪

♪ That's just the price of it all ♪

♪ It's written on these walls ♪

♪ Through the rise and fall ♪

♪ I know I can pretend ♪

♪ That this won't ever end ♪

♪ If in the end we die, and I've lost ♪

♪ Well, that's just the price of it all ♪

♪ It's safe to say that I've ignored all warnings ♪

♪ You're treacherous, impetuous, you're gorgeous ♪

♪ I'll take your hand and close my eyes ♪

♪ A parody of paradise in love, ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ I've fought the rain ♪

♪ And turned this pain into gold ♪

♪ And that's just the price of it all ♪

♪ That's just the price of it all ♪

♪ It's burning to the ground ♪

♪ I'm losing what I found ♪

♪ There's heaven in my heart ♪

♪ But damage in my hands ♪

♪ If giving you my all means I die ♪

♪ Then that's just the price of it all ♪

Oh, darling, how I wish we didn't live

in the 1930s so that I could be lesbian and you could be a gay.

Thank goodness we married one another.

This way, we're able to live our sordid homosexual lives

in secret, while still falling in with polite society.

I'm frightfully nervous to meet your mother.

Perhaps she might suspect us.

No, you mustn't fret, Judith.

She'll be none the wiser, providing

we remain subtle and discreet.

Well, soil my knickers.

Henry.

Oh.

Ah, Robert, you big nancy.

Excuse my appearance.

I slept in a graveyard.

Mind if I sit?

My shoes are filled with blood.

Robert, who might this curious character be?

Oh, Judith, this is Henry, my cousin.

Cousin?

Ha, do that with your cousin, do you?

1930s cocaine?

Robert and I met last year at the Glass Slipper.

One minute we're doing the quickstep.

Next thing you know, we're stepping quickly

into each other's holes.

Shh!

Henry, please.

I told you about my wife, Judith.

Oh, please.

I can spot a lesbo from a mile away.

Love the dress, pal.

Anyway, I'm off to powder my schnoz.

By which, of course, I do mean do 1930s cocaine.

Robert, he's going to give us away.

Your mother will have you arrested.

He seems excitable at first, but he will calm down.

Ooh, cake!

Oh.

Oh, my.

I won't have a thing for dinner, though.

I pray he doesn't make a scene.

Oh. Whoa.

Oh.

Henry, please.

If you put the cake down, they'll cut you a slice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

He's not even slipping on anything.

Whoa.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Phew.

I'll just eat this cake behind this door.

Ah.

Robert!

Well, look lively.

Aren't you going to greet your poor mother?

Oh, Mother.

Yes, sorry.

This is Judith, my wife, whom I intercourse.

Ah, yes, the mysterious Judith.

Rather a plain thing, isn't she?

Eyes so far apart, you'd think she was prey.

But still, good, solid hips.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Fenwick.

I suppose I could approve.

Oh, Mother! Really?

That simple--

Can anyone see the thing with the cake?

Robert, do you know this man?

Mother, I have never met this bombastic pervert

in all my life.

Just ignore him, Mrs. Fenwick.

Young lady, when I desire your opinion,

I'll be sure to give your head a good, firm slap

until one comes tumbling out your ears.

OK, I'm laughing.

I don't do jokes.

Well, Darling, it seems your son does.

Hey, now I like you.

We're bonding.

We're hugely bonding.

Henry, please.

I'm trying to introduce my homely wife

to my difficult mother.

And it was all going rather well until you minced in here.

So would you please kindly piss off?

Robert!

This colorful freak is the most interesting

person I've ever met.

You'd do well to find yourself a girl like him.

But what about my tiny wife?

Yes, what about Judith?

How's tricks, doll?

Ah, Ethel is my cousin.

Do that with your cousin, do you?

Give me a call when you lose the fruit.

He is-- he is a fruit.

Listen, have you girls ever tried 1930s cocaine?

Well, that went better than expected.

Yes!

My biggest thanks, ladies and gentlemen, to Jorja Smith.

And a huge thank you to this incredible cast,

all the amazing writers, and everyone that is working

on this incredible show.

Thank you so much.

It's been such a treat to host you this week.

Tune in for the next episode of "SNL UK" on the 25th of April.

Thank you very much.

Good night!