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1
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:09,919
Why are we having a barbecue?
2
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,359
It's freezing.
3
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,559
Because four days
ago, it was really hot.
4
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:14,359
Come on.
5
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:15,479
This is fun, all right?
6
00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:16,599
Let's play a drinking game.
7
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,959
OK, I'll start.
8
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:21,439
Never have I ever kissed
two boys on the same night.
9
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:22,719
Oh.
10
00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:23,720
Guilty.
11
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:26,959
Me next.
12
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,079
Never have I ever
accidentally booked a neo-Nazi
13
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,279
to headline a music
festival for three
14
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,759
nights without a backup plan.
15
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,599
Girl, you said you
wouldn't bring that up!
16
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,919
OK, OK, OK.
17
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,839
Never have I ever been
friends with Jeffrey Epstein.
18
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,719
Is that Melania Trump?
19
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,679
I said, never have
I ever been friends
20
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:02,639
with billionaire
pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
21
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,559
What are you doing
in a garden in Croydon?
22
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,399
I am here to stop
you nasty people
23
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,839
spreading rumors about me.
24
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,079
We weren't doing that.
25
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:13,199
We weren't even
talking about you.
26
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,039
Oh, oh.
27
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:17,839
Ooh.
28
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:18,839
Are you OK?
29
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,199
Of course not.
30
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,959
Now, let's play--
31
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:25,279
Let's play a new game.
32
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:27,199
OK, truth or dare.
33
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:32,159
Oh, my god, how dare
you accuse me of female
34
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,999
friendship with
short-haired sex
35
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,999
trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell?
36
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,679
Why do you keep bringing
up all the Epstein stuff?
37
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,799
Yeah, like, your husband
literally started
38
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,319
a war to distract us from it.
39
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,079
It was kind of working,
to be fair to the lad.
40
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:46,079
Yeah, I mean.
41
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,039
A new game, charades.
42
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,119
I'll go first.
43
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:51,399
Is it the Epstein files?
44
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,400
Yes.
45
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,280
And, oh, look, I
am not in them.
46
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,519
Well, this area
has changed so much
47
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,200
since they opened that Gail's.
48
00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,559
Uh, look, it was
really nice meeting you,
49
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,559
but we're going
to go back inside.
50
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:11,679
Good idea.
51
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:12,719
Let's go inside.
52
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,359
No, not you.
53
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,119
You're making it weird.
54
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,519
I beg for one last chance.
55
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:24,959
I have no friends since
they all randomly died
56
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,160
in a maximum security prison.
57
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,679
Fine, but this is legit
your last chance, diva.
58
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:32,759
OK, OK.
59
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,839
Final game, two truths and lie.
60
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:37,959
I love my new friends.
61
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,039
Aw.
62
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,959
I like poor people--
63
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,399
wink, wink.
64
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:47,279
And live from London,
it's "Saturday Night."
65
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,679
It's "Saturday Night
66
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:03,839
Live" With
67
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,039
Hammed Animashaun.
68
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,679
Ayoade Bamgboye.
69
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:18,599
Larry Dean.
70
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:25,839
Celeste Dring.
71
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,719
Georgie Fouracres.
72
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,519
Ania Magliano.
73
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,839
Annabel Marlowe.
74
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,919
Al Nash.
75
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,159
Jack Shep.
76
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,079
Emma Sidi.
77
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,399
Paddy Young.
78
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:17,039
úAnd musical guest, Jorja Smith.
79
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:23,159
ú And your host, Jack Whitehall.
80
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:37,559
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jack Whitehall!
81
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,919
Hello.
82
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,559
Hello and good evening!
83
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,119
Thank you, thank
you, thank you.
84
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,159
I'm Jack Whitehall,
and I'm so excited to be
85
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,679
your host tonight.
86
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,199
And can I start by saying
what an amazing series
87
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:00,879
it has already been?
88
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:06,319
"SNL UK," crushing it, with
some amazing hosts as well.
89
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:09,119
Week 1, they had SNL royalty.
90
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:12,159
Week 2, they had
an international sex symbol.
91
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,039
Week 3, an Academy
Award winner.
92
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,919
And this week, you
guys get the star
93
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,959
of "Clifford the Big Red Dog."
94
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,039
Oh, yeah, the stuff of dreams.
95
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,479
"SNL UK," I love that.
96
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,279
Do you know what else I love?
97
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:30,559
I love that, finally, we've
taken one of their shows.
98
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:31,759
Right?
99
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,159
Yeah, America has
had enough of ours.
100
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,159
Yeah, they had "The
Office," "The Bake Off."
101
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,439
They had that one,
the reality show
102
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,679
my fiancée loves,
the one where they
103
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,199
follow the dating
lives of people
104
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:45,199
with learning difficulties--
105
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,559
"Love Island," "Love Island."
106
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:47,560
That's the one.
107
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:50,559
We weren't sure about that one.
108
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:51,919
It's fine.
109
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:53,080
They can edit it out.
110
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,279
This is a big deal.
111
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,199
This is a big
deal hosting this.
112
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,839
But do you know what?
113
00:05:58,840 --> 00:05:59,799
It's not even the biggest thing
that's going on in my life
114
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,239
right now.
115
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,719
Because next week, I am
genuinely getting married.
116
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,199
Thank you.
117
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,599
Yeah, I really
shouldn't be here.
118
00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:09,639
I am the groom, though.
119
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,359
That's very much
a ceremonial role.
120
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,039
I just am there to nod
everything through.
121
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,439
It has been noted, the other
day, my fiance turned to me.
122
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,599
She went, Jack, in one of those
meetings with the wedding
123
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,359
planners, when they
were talking to you,
124
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:22,639
it was literally like they
were talking to a wall.
125
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:27,279
I was thinking, yeah, a wall
with a cash machine in it.
126
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,719
It's honestly out
of control-- the flowers,
127
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,439
the canopies, the band.
128
00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:37,119
We only went and booked bloody
Scott Mills as the wedding DJ.
129
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:40,479
Not seeing that deposit again.
130
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,639
Everything has to be
bespoke as well.
131
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,799
Bespoke-- that is
a word right now that
132
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,359
makes my sphincter clench.
133
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:50,679
She insisted on having
bespoke invitations, right?
134
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,359
These ridiculous things.
135
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,359
It was, like, on a fold-out
booklet, handwritten in quill
136
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:59,559
by a blind Franciscan monk,
bits of parchment paper
137
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:02,159
that had been ripped out
the back of the Magna Carta,
138
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,239
sealed with a gold ribbon,
and delivered to all
139
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,199
of our guests via peacock.
140
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,079
They asked me what I
wanted for invitations.
141
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,999
I said, what is wrong
with a WhatsApp group?
142
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,279
Simple, efficient,
easy to kick anyone off
143
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:16,679
if they ask to bring a child.
144
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,959
Nope, had to fork out
for a calligrapher instead--
145
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,119
a calligrapher.
146
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,599
How is that still even a thing?
147
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:27,639
Every day, I read about how
AI is coming for our jobs.
148
00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:30,879
How has it not come
for the calligraphers already?
149
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:35,679
How is a calligrapher
affording his mortgage in 2026?
150
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:36,839
Oh, I'll tell you how.
151
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:39,279
This schmuck here.
152
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,999
Really going for the
calligraphy community tonight.
153
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,239
I can already see it.
154
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:44,879
I'm going to get
a load of angry letters
155
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:46,440
in beautiful handwriting.
156
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,479
We over-invited as well.
157
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,279
The other day, my missus,
she turned to me,
158
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:54,759
and she said, oh,
Jack, you know,
159
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:58,519
sometimes I wish that it
could just be me and you.
160
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,159
You couldn't have
mentioned that before?
161
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,759
Where was this attitude
six months ago?
162
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,119
I don't want to see
any of these people.
163
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:10,599
I've spent the last two months
praying for another pandemic.
164
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,039
Thankfully, though, I did
save a little bit of money
165
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,559
on the honeymoon.
166
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,679
Oh yeah, she wanted to go
on a romantic cruise.
167
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,719
I got an unbelievable
deal on two weeks
168
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,520
narrowboating down
the Straits of Hormuz.
169
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,160
Bargain, and a free fireworks
display every night.
170
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:32,279
Honestly though, it's like
planning a royal wedding,
171
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,279
literally, in that
the whole thing could be
172
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,519
ruined if my uncle turns up.
173
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,319
We're doing that as well, at
the moment, the seating plan.
174
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:44,639
That's very stressful, right?
175
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,239
I don't want to be
too indiscreet,
176
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,279
but we've got these two
guests coming, right,
177
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,039
and they slept together,
like, years ago.
178
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:52,799
And now, they do not talk.
179
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,319
I know, awkward.
180
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,239
I was like, surely, we
put them at opposite ends
181
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:57,679
of the marquee.
182
00:08:57,680 --> 00:08:59,319
But my fiancée is
insisting that my mom
183
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,520
and dad sit together.
184
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,599
It's so nice to be-- it's
so nice to be here this evening
185
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,439
as well, to have a little
bit of a distraction.
186
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:10,440
Thank you.
187
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,519
I'm going to let you
into a little secret.
188
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:19,239
Tonight is also the night that
my fiancée is on her hen do.
189
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,679
So it's really nice to be here.
190
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,399
Yeah, I'm here with
you, cracking gags.
191
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,959
She is currently in Soho,
getting dry humped
192
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,679
by one of Magic
Mike, which also
193
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:32,039
means that, technically, this
is kind of my second stag.
194
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,799
Oh, yeah.
195
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,359
We're going to have so much
fun this evening, guys.
196
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,959
Stick around for some
hilarious sketches, and music
197
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,959
from the amazing Jorja Smith.
198
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,639
That's number 250
for Gary Thomas.
199
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,799
Go on, Gary Thomas.
200
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,719
Gary is still
the highest-scoring striker
201
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,359
ever to play for Albion.
202
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,999
And he owes a lot
to the first man
203
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,879
@ ever to teach him to kick
a ball, his old school
204
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,720
teacher Ted Bagley.
205
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,999
He probably won't
recognize me 'cause he
206
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,199
won't believe it's me.
207
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,759
Hello, Gary.
208
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,839
Long time, no see.
209
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,879
Mr. Bagley.
210
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,759
You're alive.
211
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,799
I'm alive, he says.
212
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,279
How are you doing?
213
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,799
Someone said you was dead.
214
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,439
I'm so glad how well
you've done for yourself.
215
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,079
He
was so supporting.
216
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,039
He kind of, like,
had me as his-- kind
217
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,279
of like his special guy.
218
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,560
Hello, Gary.
219
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,959
Mrs. Todd.
220
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,639
ú Someone said you was dead.
221
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,479
Well, not as sprightly as I
used to be, but still going.
222
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,199
Truth be told, I was only
his substitute French teacher
223
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,919
for a couple of weeks,
when Monsieur Durand
224
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,079
was helping the police
with their enquiries.
225
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,999
But we're all so proud of Gary.
226
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,800
Hello, Gary, son.
227
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,119
Dad.
228
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,919
No, hold on, you're
definitely dead.
229
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,839
Hey, not yet, boy.
230
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,759
I saw you laid
into the ground.
231
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:12,559
ú- No man, I was never in there.
232
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,359
I left his mother,
and we agreed it were
233
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,719
better he thought I were dead.
234
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,039
I'd only moved
two streets over.
235
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,599
Hello, Gary.
236
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:32,200
My god, it's the jogger I
hit on that misty country lane.
237
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,519
I finished you off with a brick
before I fled the scene.
238
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,919
They ended up sticking
a metal plate in my bonce.
239
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,239
I can't believe it.
240
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:46,679
I love that free kick
you scored against Watford.
241
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:49,640
Harambe.
242
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,039
Dobby.
243
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,519
Master Gary.
244
00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,559
I thought you was
both dead as well.
245
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,519
I'm so proud
of you, Master Gary.
246
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,319
Go on, Gary Thomas.
247
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,159
All right, lads,
you hear that?
248
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,079
It's 50,000 people
counting on us.
249
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,079
Let's get fired up.
250
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,159
Yeah, let's go!
251
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:30,359
Come on.
252
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:31,799
We boys, are we
going to do it?
253
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,359
We got this.
254
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:34,919
Let's score goals and have
them score no goals.
255
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:35,919
Yes, let's go.
256
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,679
Hey, guys.
257
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,599
I'm just bringing
in your mascots for the day.
258
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,399
Now, these are our lucky
competition winners.
259
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:44,639
Say hello to the boys.
260
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:45,679
Hello.
261
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:46,879
Yeah.
262
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,399
All right, now once
you've walked out there
263
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,199
and said hello
to the big crowd,
264
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,559
I'll take you
to mom and dad, OK?
265
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,039
Thanks, lads.
266
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,039
You doing this, it really
makes some of these kids' days.
267
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,079
Yeah, anything for the Badge.
268
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,279
All right, lads, let's do this.
269
00:12:58,280 --> 00:12:59,959
Let's go.
270
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,199
Hey guys, quick
question before we go out.
271
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,519
Yes, Jonesy.
272
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,200
Does anyone
want to swap kids?
273
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,799
What-- what do
you mean, swap kids?
274
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,439
Well, like, one of you
guys walks out with my kid,
275
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,039
and I walk out with
one of your kids.
276
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,480
I don't like my one.
277
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,199
I mean, what's
wrong with your one?
278
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,079
Well, look,
something's off about it.
279
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,159
They're just kids, man.
280
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,519
Let's get out there and play.
281
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:31,879
Yeah, but that's
the thing though.
282
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,159
I feel like if I walk
out there with this one,
283
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,959
I'm going to play badly.
284
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,399
That's ridiculous.
285
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,759
Who cares what kid you
walk out with, man?
286
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,479
Well, if you don't
care, why don't we swap?
287
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,679
No one's swapping kids.
288
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,199
That's
easy for you to say.
289
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,239
You got a good one.
290
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,759
Leave it.
291
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:47,999
This is the Derby.
292
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,079
No distractions!
293
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,039
Yeah, man, no distractions.
294
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,639
This is so unfair.
295
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,479
Last week when
we played Fulham,
296
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,159
I got the worst one then too,
but I didn't say anything.
297
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,479
And then I played really badly.
298
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,159
So this time, I'm speaking up.
299
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,879
Oh.
300
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,719
Oh, for God's sake, maybe
we should just swap out kids.
301
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,519
Are you serious?
302
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,439
Just do it, Woodsy,
so we can get out there.
303
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:09,719
Fine.
304
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,079
But just so you know,
this is ridiculous.
305
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,559
Sorry, mate.
306
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,600
There you go.
307
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,479
There, happy?
308
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:18,319
Thank you.
309
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,639
I really appreciate it.
310
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,399
- OK, ready, lads?
- We're ready.
311
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,399
Let's go.
- Actually, no.
312
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,359
What?
313
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,439
This one's worse.
314
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,479
Are you serious right now?
315
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,079
Yeah, I'm going to be honest.
316
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,279
Now that I've got this one,
I'm getting big
317
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,359
"Adolescence" vibes.
318
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,439
I couldn't tell from far away.
319
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,119
All right, well,
I'm not swapping back,
320
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,519
if that's what you're asking.
321
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,279
Yeah, of course you
don't want to swap back.
322
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,879
You tricked me into accepting
an absolute stinker
323
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,359
and got away with it.
324
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,759
Well, that's
your problem, isn't it?
325
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,239
Wait, hang on, bro?
326
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:46,719
Did you willingly swap
kids knowing your one
327
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,359
was worse than Jonesy's?
328
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:49,359
Hey, that's not on.
329
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:50,799
Yeah, not cool, Woodsy.
330
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,439
All right, so what if I did?
I'm the captain.
331
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:53,639
I stand at the front.
332
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,239
I should get one
of the best kids.
333
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,639
Why should you get
one of the best kids?
334
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,159
Guys, guys, this
is getting toxic.
335
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,119
We need a random
reshuffle of the kids.
336
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,479
And that's big
of me to suggest,
337
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,239
considering I've
probably got the best
338
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,839
one I've had all season.
- What are you talking about?
339
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:06,919
You always get the good ones.
340
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,919
I always get the bad kid.
341
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,599
That's not true.
342
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,639
Guys, guys, we had a good
system when I was at Burnley.
343
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,959
We wrote each kid on a piece of
paper and pull them from a hat.
344
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,359
But if you got man
of the match the week before,
345
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,399
and you weren't happy
with your first kid,
346
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,359
you were allowed,
for one, to redraw.
347
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,159
It sounds all right.
348
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,559
Guys, guys, listen
to yourselves.
349
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,919
This might sound crazy,
but why don't we ask the kids
350
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:31,159
who they want to go with?
351
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,519
They might have
a favorite player.
352
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:33,919
Could really make their day.
- Shut up.
353
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,079
Are you stupid?
354
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,879
I vote
for the Burnley system.
355
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,759
Right, Burnley system it is.
356
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:39,839
I'll get a hat.
357
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,679
Start the game without me.
358
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:18,319
Hello, and welcome
to "Mastermind,"
359
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,559
with me, Clive Myrie.
360
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:22,599
I'm so good, I can
host quiz shows.
361
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:26,199
But Stephen Mulhern could
never read the news.
362
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,119
Let's welcome
our first contender.
363
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:37,919
Your name?
364
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:38,919
Ben Michael.
365
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,319
Your occupation?
366
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,159
Something in IT.
367
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,039
And your specialist subject?
368
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,399
Things my mom has told me
about people I've never met
369
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,559
and have no connection to.
370
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,159
That's right,
your mom, Sue, is
371
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,839
a glorious gossiper
who seems to know
372
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,319
everything about everyone.
373
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:59,519
In two minutes--
your time starts now.
374
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,799
Who recently had a tire
stolen off their caravan
375
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,519
ú whilst holidaying in Dorset?
376
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,959
Peggy and Len.
377
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,639
Yes.
378
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,519
@ Why does Linda from Pilatesú
have an extra wheelie bin?
379
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,239
She got a free one
by pretending to be
380
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:14,359
ú a registered child minder.
381
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,439
Yes.
382
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:16,639
Whilst traveling
by train, who did
383
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:17,959
your second cousin
Monica's driving
384
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,519
ú instructor think they saw?
385
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,719
Nick Knowles.
386
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,159
Yes.
387
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,639
And for a bonus point,
what was he eating?
388
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,719
Chicken from
his jacket pocket.
389
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,639
Yes.
390
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,839
@In 2012, your mom's
podiatrist,ú Helen, caught an
eye infection
391
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,719
from what white liquid?
392
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,319
Out of date sun cream?
393
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,639
ú - No, no, no, no, mayonnaise.
394
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,039
Why didn't Frank come
to the pub last Friday?
395
00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:42,439
Uh, because his
gout flare up means
396
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,039
ú he currently can't wear shoes.
397
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,519
Yes.
398
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,119
What's this?
399
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:48,679
Oh, I know this.
400
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:49,799
What is that?
401
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,279
ú That is Lynn's post-op scar?
402
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,039
ú- No, Joe from number steen's--
403
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,079
Joe from number 17's
brand new patio.
404
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,679
Ah, I knew that.
405
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:57,719
Who died last week?
406
00:17:57,720 --> 00:17:59,519
Uh, Gillian
of Gary and Gillian,
407
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,599
who they met on a cruise
23 years ago.
408
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:03,839
Yes.
409
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,239
And for a bonus
point, what from?
410
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,679
ú - Oh, Mum, did tell me that.
411
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,639
Uh, eeh, sorry, pass.
412
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,759
What noise has
Miriam Martin's air
413
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,679
fryer started making?
414
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:17,799
Um,ú
ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch?
415
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,520
ú- No, it's slp-slp-slp-slp-slp.
416
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,719
On Tuesday, what
piece of information
417
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,199
@ did your mom tell you not
to put on the internet?
418
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,479
ú - That Pat has a new gate.
419
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:29,480
Yes.
420
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,919
Why is Raoul the treeú
surgeon divorcing his wife?
421
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,519
ú - Because she cheated on him.
422
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,799
I need you to be
more specific.
423
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,719
ú - With a very tall woman.
424
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:43,720
I'll accept that.
425
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:49,199
@ In what chain restaurant didú
Fiona's daughter get engaged?
426
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,239
Las Iguanas?
427
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,239
No, Turtle Bay.
428
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,439
Whose hair transplant
hasn't taken?
429
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,359
Angela from next
door's brother-in-law's
430
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:59,599
@ husband's plumber's sister's
friend, Gary Fulcher.
431
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:01,240
Hey, that's me!
432
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,119
Yes.
433
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:05,439
ú According to her doctor--
434
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,039
I've started,
so I'll finish--
435
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,679
who has a rare glandularú
condition that makes her sweat
436
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,879
ú smell exactly like gravy?
437
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,959
Angie from the co-op.
438
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,639
@ - Yes, Ben, at the end of
thatú round, you have 10 points
439
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:19,359
and one pass.
440
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,479
The answer was, of course, she
was kicked to death by a horse.
441
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:22,839
Ah!
442
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,239
Yeah, sorry, I was
scrolling when she told me.
443
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,279
I should have paid attention.
444
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,040
That's why you must
always listen to Mummy.
445
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:32,919
Thank you.
446
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,199
Our next contender, please.
447
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,159
Your name?
448
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,319
Polly Holton.
449
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:45,639
Your occupation?
450
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,039
Something else in IT.
451
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,759
And your specialist subject?
452
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,639
Life changing texts my dad
has replied to with the thumbs
453
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:53,640
up emoji.
454
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,279
Dad, I got into art school.
455
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,119
What's that got to do
with World War Two?
456
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,119
Struggling to connect
with your dad?
457
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,799
You're not alone.
458
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,039
Dads are scientifically proven
to be amongst the hardest
459
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,679
parents to connect with.
460
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,519
They're the train
Wi-Fi of people.
461
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,999
But have you ever
wondered if maybe
462
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,119
ú you've just got the wrong one?
463
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,719
Introducing DadSwap.
464
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,079
DadSwap.
465
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,079
Using an advanced
algorithm, DadSwap
466
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,279
takes your hobbies
and passions and matches
467
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,679
ú you with a brand new dad--
468
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:37,679
Bonjour, new son.
469
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:45,359
while re-homing your dad
with someone more his speed.
470
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,439
My dad didn't know
how to raise a girl,
471
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,319
but Steve does,
don't you, Steve?
472
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:51,759
I'm a girl dad now.
473
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,959
I'm a punk rocker, but all
my boring old dad wanted
474
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,639
to talk about was Bossa Nova.
475
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:01,479
Thanks to DadSwap, I found
the punk daddy just for me.
476
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,679
My Dad always struggled
to accept my sexuality.
477
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:12,159
But now, thanks to DadSwap,
I have a gay dad who has
478
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:13,639
all the same hobbies as me.
479
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:19,679
One thing we
didn't think about
480
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,359
was how easy it would be
to develop romantic feelings
481
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:25,199
for your new dad.
482
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,719
We both love to paint.
483
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,839
We've got so much
to talk about.
484
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,400
And now we're engaged.
485
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,599
I mean, they're both adults.
486
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,159
They're not related,
so technically, it is allowed.
487
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,879
It's not just gay dads.
488
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,719
I'm also dating my new dad.
489
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:45,839
It's not illegal.
490
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,119
I know.
491
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,519
I said it's
technically allowed,
492
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,040
but I'm saying I do not
endorse this use of the app.
493
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,959
I do understand how
this has happened.
494
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,399
Obviously, a man has just
moved into your house.
495
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,199
You're both
emotionally vulnerable.
496
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,799
He's got all the same
hobbies as you.
497
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,239
He's just left his wife.
498
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,399
You're spending more
and more time together.
499
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,560
I've-- I've invested
so much money in this app.
500
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,120
I have absolutely [bleep] it.
501
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,759
I downloaded DadSwap
and traded my dad for a guy
502
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,159
my own age.
503
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:24,679
That's not a dad,
that's a boyfriend.
504
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,519
There's other apps
for doing that.
505
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,039
ú This one is for swapping dads.
506
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,799
DadSwap, if it
happens, it happens.
507
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:34,959
It's not illegal.
508
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:35,959
I know.
509
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:10,199
Here we are on the 18th hole.
510
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,879
You could cut
the tension with a knife.
511
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,319
We're not whispering.
512
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:17,359
This is just as loud
as our voices can go.
513
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:19,039
You're joining
us at the Masters.
514
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,959
We're at the end of a marathon
playoff between Iain Connor and
515
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,359
Sven Nielson.
516
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,919
And Iain Connor is
just one putt away
517
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,839
from his first Masters title.
518
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:28,839
Here it goes.
519
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:36,999
And he's finally done it.
520
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,079
Look how much it means to him.
521
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:40,319
Amazing.
522
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,599
And here comes his wife.
523
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:43,800
Oh, look at the emotion.
524
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,839
Oh, and a lovely
little kiss there.
525
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,279
Beautiful scenes.
526
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,319
Here comes his trusty
caddie, Bruce Atkins.
527
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,639
They've been
together for years.
528
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,159
Just lovely.
529
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,359
And, oh, looks like they're
sharing a little kiss as well.
530
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,919
Fantastic scenes.
531
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,599
Oh, and here's Sven
Nielson, his opponent.
532
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,879
He fought so valiantly
today, a true competitor.
533
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:05,959
Big handshake there.
534
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:07,639
What a gentleman.
535
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,919
And, oh, yeah, going for the
solitary kiss for him, too.
536
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:11,039
What sportsmanship.
537
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,119
Amazing scenes.
538
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:13,599
And here comes Sven's wife.
539
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:14,999
Oh, yeah.
540
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,799
It looks like she's sharing
a kiss with Iain too.
541
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,319
And now Iain's wife is
stepping back onto the green,
542
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,319
and she's-- wha--yeah,
she's sharing a little kiss
543
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:24,759
with her husband's opponent.
544
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,719
But will the wives
go in for a kiss, too?
545
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,239
Yeah, oh, oh, they will, yes.
546
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,199
And now they're-- oh,
yeah, they're all sharing
547
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,919
little kisses with each other.
548
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:35,679
This is what golf is all about.
549
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,439
Yes, the atmosphere
here is electric.
550
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:39,839
Oh, what's happening now?
551
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,359
Is that?
552
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,159
Yeah, it looks like
they're all swapping keys.
553
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:44,479
Wow.
554
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,479
That's a big step
for any polycule.
555
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,039
Some might say they're
moving too fast,
556
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,519
but the crowd are loving it.
557
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:52,639
Incredible scenes
here on the 18th green.
558
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,759
And oh, yeah, it
looks like they're
559
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,759
taking partú in a
commitment ceremony,
560
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,599
promising to treat
each other with respect
561
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,159
and always maintain
open communication.
562
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,519
What a weekend of golfú
this is turning out to be.
563
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,239
Couldn't have said
it better myself.
564
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:09,239
Oh, and what's happening now?
565
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,319
I think that yeah,
they have-- they've
566
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,159
ordered a super king
size mattress that they
567
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,919
can all sleep on together.
568
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,919
That's the biggest
mattress size you can get.
569
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,279
Amazing scenes.
570
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:20,679
Yeah, and you have
to assume they're
571
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:21,799
going to go for the classic
arrangement.
572
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:22,679
Boy, girl, boy, girl.
573
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:23,999
Absolutely.
574
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:25,359
We're watching masters at work.
575
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:27,919
Sven there signing
for the package.
576
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:32,119
Oh, yeah, now he's giving
the delivery guy a kiss.
577
00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:33,879
Oh, here come the wives.
578
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:37,239
They're sharing a little kiss
with the delivery driver, too.
579
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,679
Oh, but whoa.
580
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,879
It looks like there's
no little kiss for Iain.
581
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,519
Unprecedented scenes.
582
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:46,719
And, oh, it looks like now
the other three members
583
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,439
are explaining
to Iain that he's
584
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,680
being replaced in the polycule
by the delivery guy.
585
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:57,759
Golf can be such
a cruel sport.
586
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,319
It truly can.
587
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,759
It truly, truly can.
588
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,479
And oh, what's this?
589
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,159
It looks like Iain's
taking his phone out.
590
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,160
I think he's-- yep, he's
getting back on the apps.
591
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:10,839
Yeah, he's looking
for some rebound sex.
592
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,319
And can you blame him
after the day he's had?
593
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,319
First he bogeyed
the fifth hole,
594
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,959
then he opened up his
marriage and ruined his life.
595
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,319
Mm, and oh, what's this?
596
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:22,159
Looks like he's found a match.
- You're right.
597
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:23,399
Is that-- it is.
598
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,999
It's Bruce Atkins,
his old caddy.
599
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,399
Ah, amazing.
600
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,559
Those two have so much
history together.
601
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:32,599
But finally, they canúconsummate
their unspoken love.
602
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,040
What a day.
603
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:42,879
What a day of golf
we have witnessed.
604
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,519
It just goes to show sometimes
the love of your life
605
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,919
can be right
underneath your nose.
606
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,319
Maybe it's someone you've been
working with for years and
607
00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,079
years, but can't bring
yourself to say anything,
608
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,559
for fear of rejection.
609
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,359
Well, I've seen
enough golf to know
610
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:59,039
that sometimes those
feelings are reciprocated,
611
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,559
and the other person is just
waiting for the first person
612
00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:02,600
to make a move.
613
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,599
Well, that's it
for the "Golf Today."
614
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:15,319
Join us next week
for the LIV tournament
615
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,919
in Saudi Arabia, where
we weren't be invited.
616
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,039
Good night.
617
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,999
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jorja Smith.
618
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:44,879
♪ Little things, eh,
eh, oh, god, hey ♪
619
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:57,239
♪ I didn't know that
you'd be here tonight ♪
620
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,159
♪ Saw you again ♪
621
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:04,359
♪ Think this must be a sign ♪
622
00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:06,359
♪ Nothing you said ♪
623
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:11,399
♪ It was all
in your eyes, oh, oh, oh ♪
624
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,399
♪ Can I get close ♪
625
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,200
♪ Even for just one time? ♪
626
00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:20,879
♪ It's the little things
that get me high ♪
627
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:22,559
♪ Get me high ♪
628
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:26,079
♪ Won't you come with me
and spend the night? ♪
629
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:27,999
♪ Just a little
thing for you and I ♪
630
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,799
♪ Little things, yeah ♪
631
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:30,919
♪ If it's meant to be ♪
632
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:32,159
♪ Then that's all right ♪
633
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:33,639
♪ Oh, god ♪
634
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,119
♪ It's the little things
that get me high ♪
635
00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:36,719
♪ Get me high ♪
636
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:40,239
♪ Won't you come with me
and spend the night? ♪
637
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:42,199
♪ Just a little
thing for you and I ♪
638
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:44,039
♪ Little things, yeah ♪
639
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:45,159
♪ And if it's meant to be ♪
640
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:46,439
♪ Then that's all right ♪
641
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:48,239
♪ Oh, god, it's
the little things ♪
642
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,239
♪ With you, it's
such a sweet escape ♪
643
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:52,599
♪ So if we leave ♪
644
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:54,879
♪ Will anybody
notice, notice? ♪
645
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:58,319
♪ If you don't want
to play these games ♪
646
00:28:58,320 --> 00:28:59,919
♪ Just tell me what you need ♪
647
00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:01,799
♪ And we can go there ♪
648
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,439
♪ Only here for the weekend ♪
649
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,319
♪ I've just stepped
out with my friends ♪
650
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,479
♪ Don't tell me that
you're leaving ♪
651
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,559
♪ Think I came
at the right time ♪
652
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:12,399
♪ Do you know
what's on my mind? ♪
653
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,799
♪ Can you stay
for the evening? ♪
654
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,799
♪ It's the little things
that get me high ♪
655
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,399
♪ Get me high ♪
656
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:22,999
♪ Won't you come with me
and spend the night? ♪
657
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:26,479
♪ Just a little
thing for you and I ♪
658
00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:27,799
♪ And if it's meant to be ♪
659
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,199
♪ Then it's all right, oh ♪
660
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:33,639
♪ It's the little things
that get me high ♪
661
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:37,159
♪ Won't you come with me
and spend the night? ♪
662
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:39,559
♪ Just a little
thing for you and I ♪
663
00:29:39,560 --> 00:29:40,919
♪ Oh, oh, yeah ♪
664
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:41,959
♪ And if it's meant to be ♪
665
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:44,359
♪ Then that's all right ♪
666
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:46,399
♪ It's the little things
that get me high ♪
667
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:47,999
♪ And keep me going ♪
668
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:49,999
♪ Just a little
bit of you and I ♪
669
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:51,399
♪ Nobody knows it ♪
670
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:55,039
♪ Just a little
thing for you and I ♪
671
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:57,119
♪ Just a little
bit of you and I ♪
672
00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:58,599
♪ Nobody knows it ♪
673
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,759
♪ It's the little things
that get me high ♪
674
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,159
♪ And keep me going ♪
675
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,199
♪ Just a little
bit of you and I ♪
676
00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:05,639
♪ Nobody knows it ♪
677
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:09,319
♪ Just a little
thing for you and I ♪
678
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:11,319
♪ Just a little
bit of you and I ♪
679
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:12,959
♪ Nobody knows it ♪
680
00:30:12,960 --> 00:30:14,079
♪ What time is it ♪
681
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,159
♪ When the party start? ♪
682
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:49,159
♪ What time is it ♪
683
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:50,839
♪ When the party start? ♪
684
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:33,879
It's Weekend Update with
Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.
685
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:43,879
Good evening, and welcome
to Weekend Update.
686
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:44,879
I'm Paddy Young
687
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:46,479
And I'm Ania Magliano.
688
00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:51,839
Prime Minister Keir
Starmer finally
689
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:53,919
arrived in the Gulf
region this week,
690
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:57,399
just in time for the evening
do of the Iran war.
691
00:31:57,400 --> 00:32:01,879
Starmer, seen here describing
his favorite shape of tube,
692
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:05,079
was accompanied on the trip
by a team of reporters.
693
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:07,519
And after spending three
days with Keir Starmer,
694
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:10,199
they might be the first
journalists in Saudi Arabia
695
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:11,680
to kill themselves.
696
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:19,159
Due to security constraints,
Starmer was only able to travel
697
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,399
with a small number
of journalists,
698
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:26,479
or what the Saudi crown prince
would call "a suitcase full."
699
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:30,119
In the UAE, after 70
Brits have been jailed--
700
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,519
after filming missile strikes,
which is a useful reminder
701
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:35,399
to put your phone
away and just enjoy
702
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:37,200
missile strikes in the moment.
703
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:42,559
Disgraced former minister
and friend of Jeffrey Epstein,
704
00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:44,759
Peter Mandelson,
seen here connecting
705
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:46,240
his cock to Bluetooth--
706
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:52,119
is being fined 300 pounds
for urinating in public.
707
00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:53,919
I feel sorry for Mandelson.
708
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:54,919
We've all been there.
709
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:56,039
Not there.
710
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,679
Jesus, I'm not needing a wee!
711
00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:02,559
This morning, the Artemis
II mission returned to Earth.
712
00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:04,959
Mission Commander Reid
Wiseman said there were,
713
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,479
quote, "no adjectives
to describe what
714
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:09,239
they observed on the moon."
715
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:11,440
May I suggest "moony"?
716
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:15,720
President Donald Trump--
717
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:19,639
President Donald
Trump managed to speak
718
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:22,399
to the crew on the phone
this week, while they were
719
00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:24,479
on the other side of the moon.
720
00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:27,320
So remember, girls, if he
wanted to, he would.
721
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,079
Artemis II splashed
down successfully
722
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:32,479
in the Pacific Ocean.
723
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:34,159
It was called
a "monumental achievement"
724
00:33:34,160 --> 00:33:36,599
by the scientific
community and "the darkest
725
00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:40,199
day in our history" by the pod
of dolphins it smashed into.
726
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:46,559
Rishi Sunak has posted
a photo of himself on crutches
727
00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:49,039
after, quote, "showing
off to his daughters
728
00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:51,119
on an Easter skiing trip."
729
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:53,999
Well, I don't know who
this Rishi Sunak fellow
730
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:55,600
is, but get well soon.
731
00:33:56,760 --> 00:33:58,319
The Grand National
took place today.
732
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,519
And in a Weekend
Update exclusive,
733
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:03,639
we have the winner of the race
with us in the studio.
734
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:04,999
It's Paul Townend.
735
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:09,639
Hello, everyone.
736
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:11,039
Good evening.
737
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:13,159
Paul, firstly,
congratulations on the win.
738
00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:14,519
What was it like out there?
739
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,399
Well, to be fair,
a tough race for me.
740
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,879
First couple of fences,
I found tricky,
741
00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:21,399
but after a few
furlongs, I pushed
742
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:22,999
through and took the trophy.
743
00:34:29,240 --> 00:34:31,479
Oh, sorry, did I interrupt?
744
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:32,679
Hi.
745
00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:33,759
Can we help you?
746
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:35,319
No, I-- just weird.
747
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:36,359
I just thought this was
an interview with the winner
748
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:37,839
of the Grand National.
749
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:40,079
And then I turn up,
and you're chatting
750
00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,279
to this free-riding prick.
751
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:43,559
Sorry, who are you?
752
00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:45,479
My name is I Am
Maximus, right?
753
00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:47,519
The horse that actually
won the Grand National.
754
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:48,839
No.
755
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,719
You're the horse I rode
to win the Grand National.
756
00:34:50,720 --> 00:34:53,319
The absolute
cheek of this guy.
757
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:54,999
What exactly did
you contribute?
758
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:56,199
I'm 6% body fat.
759
00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:57,719
I can run at 35 miles an hour.
760
00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:00,439
I got a dick like
a Pringles tube, by the way.
761
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,199
Oh, sorry, what was
your skill set again?
762
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:03,519
Oh, yes, being 4 foot 9.
763
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,639
- How dare you?
- How dare you?
764
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:06,999
Ju, ju, ju, ju, ju.
765
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:08,479
Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, let's
766
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:10,599
not ruin the good name
of horses being forced
767
00:35:10,600 --> 00:35:12,879
to run for our pleasure.
768
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:14,599
Well, I worked hard too.
769
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:15,599
It's grueling.
770
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:16,799
I sprained my elbow.
771
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,279
Oh, yeah, you sprained
your elbow, and what happened?
772
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,359
They'd cover you up
in a white tent and shoot you?
773
00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,119
Yeah, I thought not.
774
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:26,799
That's standard practice.
775
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:30,239
Standard prac-- you don't
get it, do you, little gerbil?
776
00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:32,439
You don't know what it's
like out there, man--
777
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:36,759
brutal heat, scary jumps,
not to mention you whip me.
778
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:38,439
I told you, I wasn't into that!
779
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:41,279
I made my boundaries
very clear.
780
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:42,680
Neigh means neigh.
781
00:35:46,720 --> 00:35:47,959
Oh, Maximus.
782
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:49,399
I'm sorry.
783
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:51,799
I didn't know you
felt that way.
784
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:54,879
Is there anything I can do?
785
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,119
Let me ride you.
786
00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:58,999
What?
787
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:02,719
Let me ride you.
788
00:36:02,720 --> 00:36:03,839
Here?
789
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,039
Live on Sky TV?
790
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:09,359
And streaming the next
day on Peacock?
791
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:10,679
Yeah.
792
00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:13,119
Let me know the thrill
of commanding another.
793
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:15,319
OK, just this once.
794
00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:16,919
Get on.
795
00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:20,959
How's it feel?
796
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,279
Good, yeah.
797
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:24,839
Is that a Pringles
tube in your pocket?
798
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:25,839
We ride!
799
00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:27,199
Jesus!
800
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:28,639
The Grand National
winners, everyone.
801
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:38,159
Ringo Starr has claimed
that broccoli is what helps
802
00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:40,359
him tour at the age of 85.
803
00:36:40,360 --> 00:36:43,720
That and having been
in a band called The Beatles.
804
00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:48,199
New research from
Oxford University
805
00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,159
has found that artificial
intelligence can
806
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:52,519
be used to detect
fat that is otherwise
807
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:54,799
invisible to the human eye.
808
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:56,400
Who do you think
you are, my mom?
809
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,999
Controversial us
surveillance firm Palantir
810
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:03,479
has been given
access to details
811
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,839
of 1.5 million NHS employees.
812
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:08,439
It's insane.
813
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:10,839
Giving the keys to our health
system to Palantir,
814
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:14,519
a sinister military contractor
with links to the CIA,
815
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:17,519
which makes billions
profiting from targeting
816
00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:23,679
systems for drone strikes
is such a great idea.
817
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:25,199
I love Palantir.
818
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:28,279
Palantir, driving
productivity across the UK
819
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:32,039
through AI-powered software.
820
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:33,639
Steve--
821
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:42,119
Steve Wainwright, a retired
engineer and DIY enthusiast
822
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,279
from Peterborough,
has become obsessed
823
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:48,119
with making oversized
models of everyday objects.
824
00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:49,199
Well done, Steve.
825
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:50,560
Here's your medication.
826
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:54,079
What time is it?
827
00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:55,720
It's prison time.
828
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:00,079
That's right.
829
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:03,399
X Factor's Chico has been
sentenced for drink driving.
830
00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:05,399
After giving an emotional
speech to court,
831
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:06,959
he's got the jury's vote.
832
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:08,960
But will he impress the judges?
833
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:15,559
In a new effort to protect
hedgehogs, officials in Germany
834
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:17,759
are planning to ban
the nighttime use
835
00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:21,519
of automatic lawnmowers, or
as German hedgehogs call them,
836
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:22,680
nacht kunst.
837
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:26,639
The Welsh town
of Ebbw Vale has
838
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:29,359
been named Britain's
fattest town, much
839
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:31,199
to the annoyance of its mayor.
840
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:32,599
"These labels don't help us.
841
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:34,279
They're outdated
and, quite frankly,
842
00:38:34,280 --> 00:38:36,360
offensive," he said fatly.
843
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,559
Italian researchers
have conducted tests
844
00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:44,039
on the Shroud of Turin, the
linen cloth in which Jesus is
845
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:45,439
believed to have been buried.
846
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,639
Their findings
reveal traces of DNA,
847
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:51,079
including those
of cats and carrots.
848
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:53,679
Feline companions
and root vegetables.
849
00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:56,480
So Jesus was living
as a bisexual woman.
850
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:00,359
A ferry service
in Southampton
851
00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:02,319
has gone into liquidation.
852
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:07,159
Well, yeah, that's
how boats work.
853
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,719
Oxfordshire police are
hunting a shopper who defecated
854
00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:13,079
on a shop shelf in Banbury.
855
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:14,799
The suspect is
described as really
856
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:16,400
needing a shit in Banbury.
857
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:22,000
Unfortunately for a nearby John
Lewis, they had to match it.
858
00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:28,079
On Thursday, K-pop
band BTS kicked off
859
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:30,839
their $1 billion
world tour on the back
860
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,159
of their hit single "Swim."
861
00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:34,600
But my question is--
862
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:52,799
Don't ask me.
863
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,440
I'm not really into K-pop.
864
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:05,359
A report has found almost
two-thirds of Gen Z
865
00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:07,399
say they go out
less than before.
866
00:40:07,400 --> 00:40:09,119
Here to tell us
what's really going on
867
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:12,759
is our Gen Z correspondents,
Annabel Marlow and Jack Shep!
868
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:17,119
Hi, Paddy.
869
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:18,359
Hi.
870
00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:20,559
What the hell is
going on with Gen Z?
871
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:21,639
It's simple.
872
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,759
Every Friday night,
Gen Z like to--
873
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:27,520
Huff a little glue
and show a little nip.
874
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:32,199
And that's Gen Z.
875
00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:34,279
Let's break it down for him.
876
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:35,799
On Friday, we--
877
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:38,279
Go to Hyde Park
in Leeds, split the G,
878
00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:39,959
and practice our bird noises.
879
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:40,959
Show him, girl.
880
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:47,399
Gen Z love making
sound effects.
881
00:40:47,400 --> 00:40:49,839
Jack can do a gunshot
from really far away.
882
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:51,119
Show him, girl.
883
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:02,999
And Annabel
does a really good
884
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:06,679
impression of saying thanks to
a waiter when you're mid-convo.
885
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:14,759
But why do Gen Z
like sound effects?
886
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:16,959
'cause we're expressing
our gender, of course.
887
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:18,759
Gen Z loves gender.
888
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:21,279
I express my gender
by looking like Clare Balding
889
00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:23,280
if she were a Vampire
Weekend fan.
890
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:29,999
And I express my gender by
being a girl at the pub, sorry.
891
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:31,479
So sorry.
892
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:33,999
Instead of clubbing, Gen
Z are doing what exactly?
893
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:37,359
Well, they're going to the
black-and-white pictures,
894
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:39,679
roll out the carpet,
have a little cigarette.
895
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:46,239
And then we post a link to an
infographic about gay rights.
896
00:41:46,240 --> 00:41:47,759
And wrongs.
897
00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:49,759
I'll tell you what's
gay wrong-- these titties.
898
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:53,279
This sounds like
maybe it's just you two.
899
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:54,560
No, no, no, no, no.
900
00:41:56,560 --> 00:41:59,279
I really don't know how much
more obvious we can make this.
901
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,879
Gen Z love to--
902
00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:03,679
Huff a little glue,
show a little nip,
903
00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:05,320
and call in a bomb threat.
904
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:09,879
I still don't get
what Gen Z like.
905
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,440
I'll tell you what we
like, you rude old bitch.
906
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:17,319
We love the music
of Steely Dan,
907
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,319
"Catcher in the Rye,"
and the work of character
908
00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:20,719
actor Bob Hoskins.
909
00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:22,119
Oh, "The Long Good Friday."
910
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:23,519
Now, that was a key.
911
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:26,359
We love
making that noise, too.
912
00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:27,599
You keeping up, Pads?
913
00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:28,599
I think I get it now.
914
00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:29,759
Gen Z like to--
915
00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:33,159
Huff glue, show
nip, bomb threat.
916
00:42:33,160 --> 00:42:35,359
Jack Shep and Annabel
Marlow, everyone!
917
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:44,239
Oh, for "Weekend
Update," I'm Paddy Young.
918
00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:46,879
And I'm Ania
Magliano, good night!
919
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:51,839
♪ [UPBEAT ♪
920
00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:55,799
♪ # # MUSIC] ♪
921
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:22,159
Darling, that was
the most perfect evening.
922
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:25,119
And now the kids are asleep,
it's about to get even better.
923
00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:26,239
Ooh.
924
00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:27,919
Happy anniversary, Wendy.
925
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:30,279
Happy anniversary, my love.
926
00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:33,679
Well, well, well.
927
00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:38,079
If Wendy Darling hasn't found
herself another lost boy.
928
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:39,079
Oh, my god.
929
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:40,759
Peter, is that you?
930
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:42,759
Surprise!
931
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:44,159
Did you miss me.
932
00:43:44,160 --> 00:43:47,399
Clearly not, because you
never bloody called.
933
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,039
Who is this pirate?
934
00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:52,839
Captain Can't-Grow-a-Beard?
935
00:43:52,840 --> 00:43:54,239
He's not a pirate, Peter.
936
00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:55,759
He's my husband.
937
00:43:55,760 --> 00:43:57,319
Oh, wow.
938
00:43:57,320 --> 00:43:59,079
What does husband do?
939
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:01,759
Professional loser?
940
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:03,639
I'm a neurosurgeon.
941
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:05,319
Great, neurosurgeon.
942
00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:06,919
Tell me this, mate.
943
00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:08,319
Can you fly?
944
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:09,439
Mm.
945
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:10,439
No.
946
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:11,519
Didn't think so.
947
00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:13,679
Hold my beer.
948
00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:16,839
To the skies!
949
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:19,799
Oh, my god!
950
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:22,999
That's a stupid
place to have put that.
951
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:24,519
Wendy, who is this?
952
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:26,799
And why is he dressed like
a homeless Robin Hood?
953
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:27,799
Hey.
954
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:28,879
Relax, chief.
955
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:30,439
I'm just an old flame.
956
00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:32,919
Wendy and I used to,
uh, go all the way
957
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:36,479
to mornin' back in the day,
if you know what I mean.
958
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:37,319
Sex.
959
00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:38,759
Yes, we got that.
960
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:40,519
What are you doing here, Peter?
961
00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:42,279
Well, I just
popped by, didn't I,
962
00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:45,799
to let you know that
I am crushing it.
963
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:47,759
Yeah, and what exactly
are you crushing?
964
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:51,559
Shut your mouth,
you piece of virgin.
965
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:55,199
Listen, Wendy, why don't you
sack off this absolute mood
966
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:57,839
Hoover and come with me.
967
00:44:57,840 --> 00:44:59,679
Let us fly.
- God, no.
968
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:00,639
Hello.
969
00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:05,759
OK, don't worry.
970
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,439
I'll pay for that.
971
00:45:07,440 --> 00:45:09,079
Peter, you've
really got to go.
972
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:10,719
It's been 40 years.
I'm married.
973
00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:11,799
I've got children!
974
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:13,319
Yeah, I know.
975
00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:15,879
That's great, cause I've
got a girlfriend, too, so--
976
00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:16,879
Do you?
977
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:18,040
No.
978
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:24,959
Oh, God, you're
really not doing well.
979
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:26,799
No, I'm not.
980
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:29,279
Neverland sucks now.
981
00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:31,599
The Lost Boys got found.
982
00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:35,159
Smee got long COVID.
983
00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:38,039
Tinker Bell's on OnlyFans.
984
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:39,039
Oh.
985
00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,799
Oh, Peter.
986
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:42,039
Oh, my God!
987
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:43,039
What are you doing?
988
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:44,359
Sorry, my bad.
989
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:45,959
That one's on me.
I misjudged that.
990
00:45:45,960 --> 00:45:47,039
You need to leave now.
991
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:49,199
OK, fine, yes, I'm leaving.
992
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:50,559
I've got things to do anyway.
993
00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:53,719
Because, as I
said, crushing it.
994
00:45:53,720 --> 00:45:55,599
Sure you don't want
to come with me?
995
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:56,399
Nope, that's fine.
996
00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:57,759
Didn't want you anyway.
997
00:45:57,760 --> 00:45:58,759
Airborne.
998
00:45:58,760 --> 00:45:59,759
Oh, jeez.
999
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:02,039
Oh, come on.
1000
00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:04,479
Oh, I'm OK.
1001
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:06,439
I'm OK.
1002
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:08,839
Ha.
1003
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:10,439
Maybe I'll just
take the stairs.
1004
00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:11,999
- Mm.
- Thank you.
1005
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:14,479
Ha.
Love you.
1006
00:46:14,480 --> 00:46:15,479
Oh.
1007
00:46:15,480 --> 00:46:16,559
Ah.
1008
00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:17,559
Oh, God.
1009
00:46:17,560 --> 00:46:19,359
I'm so sorry about him.
1010
00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:21,199
Listen, those days
are in the past.
1011
00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:23,319
There's no one I'd
rather be with than you.
1012
00:46:23,320 --> 00:46:24,319
Don't worry about it.
1013
00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:26,399
We've all got weird exes.
1014
00:46:26,400 --> 00:46:28,119
Happy anniversary, Wendy.
1015
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:30,239
Happy anniversary, love.
1016
00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:33,039
Now, that hasn't spoiled
the mood, has it?
1017
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,599
Of course not.
1018
00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:36,559
Now, where were we?
1019
00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:39,039
Where were we?
1020
00:46:39,040 --> 00:46:40,799
Just checking.
1021
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:43,519
Room for a little one?
1022
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:45,079
Oh, go on.
1023
00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:46,919
Let's fly.
1024
00:46:46,920 --> 00:46:48,239
Whoo!
1025
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:56,239
Welcome back to "Falling
Down a Hill with Helen Birch."
1026
00:46:56,240 --> 00:46:57,759
I'm Helen Birch.
1027
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:04,759
Well, we can hardly
avoid the topic,
1028
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:08,239
so I'd like to state for the
record that I am by no means
1029
00:47:08,240 --> 00:47:11,239
a fan of the renaming
of this program.
1030
00:47:11,240 --> 00:47:13,639
It's true that I have
occasionally fallen down
1031
00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:16,959
some hills, but it's my view
the program needn't have been
1032
00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:19,519
retitled to reflect that fact.
1033
00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:22,319
So I hope you'll forgive
me if I occasionally
1034
00:47:22,320 --> 00:47:24,879
refer to the program
by its original title
1035
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:26,679
for the first 14 series.
1036
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:30,759
That's "Helen Birch's
Birches of St. Helens."
1037
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:33,039
Now, on with the program.
1038
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:44,599
We're here, as ever, just
on the outskirts of St. Helens,
1039
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:47,079
very nearly into Haddock
Village proper,
1040
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:49,719
which is just beyond
the brow of this hill.
1041
00:47:49,720 --> 00:47:51,999
And here's a lovely
birch I found.
1042
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:52,999
Oh, no.
1043
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:55,999
Wait, wait, wait.
1044
00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:03,839
Oh, oh, ow.
1045
00:48:18,800 --> 00:48:21,079
♪ - Once again, # Jorja # Smith.
1046
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:38,759
♪ I'm not afraid to die today ♪
1047
00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:43,479
♪ I could have chose
somebody else to love ♪
1048
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:50,719
♪ Give me the gun,
I'll take the blame ♪
1049
00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:55,439
♪ And cover up your darker
shade of blood ♪
1050
00:48:59,840 --> 00:49:02,719
♪ I'll feel the rain ♪
1051
00:49:02,720 --> 00:49:08,559
♪ And turn the pain into gold ♪
1052
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:15,320
♪ And that's just
the price of it all ♪
1053
00:49:20,480 --> 00:49:27,280
♪ That's just
the price of it all ♪
1054
00:49:34,240 --> 00:49:37,319
♪ It's written on these walls ♪
1055
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:40,239
♪ Through the rise and fall ♪
1056
00:49:40,240 --> 00:49:43,359
♪ I know I can pretend ♪
1057
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,319
♪ That this won't ever end ♪
1058
00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:50,599
♪ If in the end we
die, and I've lost ♪
1059
00:49:50,600 --> 00:49:56,519
♪ Well, that's just
the price of it all ♪
1060
00:49:59,640 --> 00:50:05,639
♪ It's safe to say that
I've ignored all warnings ♪
1061
00:50:05,640 --> 00:50:11,599
♪ You're treacherous,
impetuous, you're gorgeous ♪
1062
00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:14,799
♪ I'll take your hand
and close my eyes ♪
1063
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:20,799
♪ A parody
of paradise in love, ♪
1064
00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:23,159
♪ Oh, no ♪
1065
00:50:23,160 --> 00:50:26,639
♪ I've fought the rain ♪
1066
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:32,679
♪ And turned this
pain into gold ♪
1067
00:50:32,680 --> 00:50:39,680
♪ And that's just
the price of it all ♪
1068
00:50:44,520 --> 00:50:51,360
♪ That's just
the price of it all ♪
1069
00:50:58,320 --> 00:51:01,199
♪ It's burning to the ground ♪
1070
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:04,239
♪ I'm losing what I found ♪
1071
00:51:04,240 --> 00:51:07,239
♪ There's heaven in my heart ♪
1072
00:51:07,240 --> 00:51:10,279
♪ But damage in my hands ♪
1073
00:51:10,280 --> 00:51:14,719
♪ If giving you
my all means I die ♪
1074
00:51:14,720 --> 00:51:21,559
♪ Then that's just
the price of it all ♪
1075
00:51:57,280 --> 00:51:59,839
Oh, darling, how I
wish we didn't live
1076
00:51:59,840 --> 00:52:03,720
in the 1930s so that I could be
lesbian and you could be a gay.
1077
00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:07,519
Thank goodness we
married one another.
1078
00:52:07,520 --> 00:52:11,319
This way, we're able to live
our sordid homosexual lives
1079
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:14,919
in secret, while still falling
in with polite society.
1080
00:52:14,920 --> 00:52:17,519
I'm frightfully nervous
to meet your mother.
1081
00:52:17,520 --> 00:52:19,799
Perhaps she might suspect us.
1082
00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:21,319
No, you mustn't fret, Judith.
1083
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:23,199
She'll be none
the wiser, providing
1084
00:52:23,200 --> 00:52:25,879
we remain subtle and discreet.
1085
00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:28,280
Well, soil my knickers.
1086
00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:31,599
Henry.
1087
00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:32,479
Oh.
1088
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:35,119
Ah, Robert, you big nancy.
1089
00:52:35,120 --> 00:52:36,359
Excuse my appearance.
1090
00:52:36,360 --> 00:52:39,279
I slept in a graveyard.
1091
00:52:39,280 --> 00:52:40,399
Mind if I sit?
1092
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:43,759
My shoes are filled with blood.
1093
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:47,079
Robert, who might this
curious character be?
1094
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:51,679
Oh, Judith, this
is Henry, my cousin.
1095
00:52:51,680 --> 00:52:52,959
Cousin?
1096
00:52:52,960 --> 00:52:54,720
Ha, do that with
your cousin, do you?
1097
00:52:56,960 --> 00:52:59,520
1930s cocaine?
1098
00:53:01,800 --> 00:53:04,439
Robert and I met last
year at the Glass Slipper.
1099
00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:06,159
One minute we're
doing the quickstep.
1100
00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:08,279
Next thing you know,
we're stepping quickly
1101
00:53:08,280 --> 00:53:09,999
into each other's holes.
1102
00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:11,679
Shh!
1103
00:53:11,680 --> 00:53:12,879
Henry, please.
1104
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:15,479
I told you about
my wife, Judith.
1105
00:53:15,480 --> 00:53:16,639
Oh, please.
1106
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:18,999
I can spot a lesbo
from a mile away.
1107
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:20,439
Love the dress, pal.
1108
00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:24,879
Anyway, I'm off
to powder my schnoz.
1109
00:53:24,880 --> 00:53:28,200
By which, of course, I
do mean do 1930s cocaine.
1110
00:53:31,960 --> 00:53:34,519
Robert, he's going
to give us away.
1111
00:53:34,520 --> 00:53:36,559
Your mother will
have you arrested.
1112
00:53:36,560 --> 00:53:39,839
He seems excitable at first,
but he will calm down.
1113
00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:40,879
Ooh, cake!
1114
00:53:40,880 --> 00:53:42,599
Oh.
1115
00:53:42,600 --> 00:53:43,839
Oh, my.
1116
00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:45,319
I won't have a thing
for dinner, though.
1117
00:53:45,320 --> 00:53:46,839
I pray he doesn't
make a scene.
1118
00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:48,359
Oh.
Whoa.
1119
00:53:48,360 --> 00:53:49,199
Oh.
1120
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:50,959
Henry, please.
1121
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:54,199
If you put the cake down,
they'll cut you a slice.
1122
00:53:54,200 --> 00:53:57,319
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
1123
00:53:57,320 --> 00:54:00,719
He's not even
slipping on anything.
1124
00:54:00,720 --> 00:54:01,759
Whoa.
1125
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:02,999
Whoa!
1126
00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:03,999
Whoa.
1127
00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:05,399
Phew.
1128
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:07,439
I'll just eat this
cake behind this door.
1129
00:54:07,440 --> 00:54:08,679
Ah.
1130
00:54:08,680 --> 00:54:10,559
Robert!
1131
00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:11,879
Well, look lively.
1132
00:54:11,880 --> 00:54:13,959
Aren't you going to greet
your poor mother?
1133
00:54:13,960 --> 00:54:14,999
Oh, Mother.
1134
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:16,399
Yes, sorry.
1135
00:54:16,400 --> 00:54:20,319
This is Judith, my wife,
whom I intercourse.
1136
00:54:20,320 --> 00:54:24,639
Ah, yes,
the mysterious Judith.
1137
00:54:24,640 --> 00:54:26,639
Rather a plain
thing, isn't she?
1138
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:30,159
Eyes so far apart, you'd
think she was prey.
1139
00:54:30,160 --> 00:54:34,199
But still, good, solid hips.
1140
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:36,279
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Fenwick.
1141
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:39,439
I suppose I could approve.
1142
00:54:39,440 --> 00:54:41,119
Oh, Mother!
Really?
1143
00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:42,399
That simple--
1144
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:45,799
Can anyone see
the thing with the cake?
1145
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:47,799
Robert, do you know this man?
1146
00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:50,559
Mother, I have never
met this bombastic pervert
1147
00:54:50,560 --> 00:54:51,639
in all my life.
1148
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,239
Just ignore
him, Mrs. Fenwick.
1149
00:54:53,240 --> 00:54:55,319
Young lady, when I
desire your opinion,
1150
00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:57,159
I'll be sure to give
your head a good, firm slap
1151
00:54:57,160 --> 00:54:59,079
until one comes
tumbling out your ears.
1152
00:54:59,080 --> 00:55:00,319
OK, I'm laughing.
1153
00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:01,679
I don't do jokes.
1154
00:55:01,680 --> 00:55:03,599
Well, Darling, it
seems your son does.
1155
00:55:04,600 --> 00:55:05,879
Hey, now I like you.
1156
00:55:05,880 --> 00:55:06,879
We're bonding.
1157
00:55:06,880 --> 00:55:07,919
We're hugely bonding.
1158
00:55:07,920 --> 00:55:09,239
Henry, please.
1159
00:55:09,240 --> 00:55:11,079
I'm trying to introduce
my homely wife
1160
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:12,759
to my difficult mother.
1161
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:15,359
And it was all going rather
well until you minced in here.
1162
00:55:15,360 --> 00:55:17,639
So would you please
kindly piss off?
1163
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:19,079
Robert!
1164
00:55:19,080 --> 00:55:21,799
This colorful freak is
the most interesting
1165
00:55:21,800 --> 00:55:23,799
person I've ever met.
1166
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:26,999
You'd do well to find
yourself a girl like him.
1167
00:55:27,000 --> 00:55:29,239
But what about my tiny wife?
1168
00:55:29,240 --> 00:55:33,839
Yes, what about Judith?
1169
00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:35,680
How's tricks, doll?
1170
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:42,479
Ah, Ethel is my cousin.
1171
00:55:42,480 --> 00:55:44,039
Do that with
your cousin, do you?
1172
00:55:48,560 --> 00:55:51,039
Give me a call when
you lose the fruit.
1173
00:55:51,040 --> 00:55:53,559
He is-- he is a fruit.
1174
00:55:53,560 --> 00:55:57,680
Listen, have you girls
ever tried 1930s cocaine?
1175
00:55:59,080 --> 00:56:01,719
Well, that went
better than expected.
1176
00:56:16,400 --> 00:56:18,079
Yes!
1177
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:22,639
My biggest thanks, ladies
and gentlemen, to Jorja Smith.
1178
00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:25,359
And a huge thank you
to this incredible cast,
1179
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,639
all the amazing writers,
and everyone that is working
1180
00:56:28,640 --> 00:56:30,639
on this incredible show.
1181
00:56:30,640 --> 00:56:32,119
Thank you so much.
1182
00:56:32,120 --> 00:56:33,959
It's been such a treat
to host you this week.
1183
00:56:33,960 --> 00:56:38,359
Tune in for the next episode of
"SNL UK" on the 25th of April.
1184
00:56:38,360 --> 00:56:39,799
Thank you very much.
1185
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:40,799
Good night!
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