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@ - In 1997, MI5's top agents
gathered in Thames House
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for a secret meeting.
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This is that meeting.
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Director, Prince Andrew
is here for his briefing.
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Your Majesty, thank you.
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I came as soon as I could.
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Thank you, Your Majesty.
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We appreciate that with
the recent passing of Diana,
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this is a difficult
time for the family.
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She was such a beautiful woman.
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Prince Andrew, no one knows
better than us how charming,
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capable, fiercely intelligent
and morally upstanding you are.
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You are a credit
to princes everywhere.
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You're too kind.
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Since the death
of Diana, the public
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have turned on Prince Charles.
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But still, one day,
he will be king.
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We need to make him look good.
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There's no easy way
to say this, Your Highness.
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We have deduced
that the only way
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to increase the likability
of our future king
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is to decrease the likability
of everyone around him.
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I see.
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Well, I love my brother,
I love my country,
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and I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.
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We hoped you'd say that.
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We have prepared
a 29-year plan
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to slowly but surely
make the entire
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country think you are a--
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Well, have a little read.
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Huh.
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It's, uh--
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Huh.
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We're aware it's a lot.
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And you actually want me
to do all of this stuff?
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Sadly, yes.
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Even the part
about befriending
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a notorious pedophile?
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That's an important
part of it, yeah.
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Before and after
he's convicted.
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Right, OK.
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Of course.
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And there's
absolutely no other way
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to make my brother look good?
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We'll we're
also going to push
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an environmental angle for him,
but it will be half-assed.
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This all seems
very high risk.
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God, I'm sweating.
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Of course you are, Andrew.
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Of course you are.
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But surely you
can't make everyone
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around Charles unlikable.
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I mean, what about William?
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He's so handsome.
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We're seeing to that.
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And Harry?
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He's going to marry
a woman 98% of the UK public
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will find it impossible to have
a normal conversation about.
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Oh, heavens.
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I'm afraid this will kill
Mummy when the news comes out.
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Turn to page 72.
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It will.
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Gosh, I'm afraid
of doing this alone.
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Isn't there anyone
in government who can
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go on this journey with me?
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Send in Agent Mandelson.
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Gentlemen.
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Peter Mandelson,
the most honorable,
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ethical politician we have.
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No one will believe
he's corruptible.
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I'm sorry, Andrew.
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The responsibility
on our shoulders
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is more than any man can bear.
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And are people going to think
you did all this stuff?
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Kind of.
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Well, for Britain, I'm in.
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I'm in too.
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Fergie?
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Sorry I'm late.
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What do you need?
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Nothing, Fergie.
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You've done so much already.
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What's she doing here?
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We got divorced a year ago.
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Agent Ferguson has been
on the payroll since '86.
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You wouldn't believe
how good she's made you
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guys look by comparison.
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I know, and I know I can do
more, go further, be more odd.
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00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,759
I could drop more
nudes, suck more toes,
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00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,000
make my walk even weirder.
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00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,999
The one thing
that might help is
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if you stay by Andrew's side.
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Live with him
without explanation
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for the next 29 years.
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Sure, I was going
to do that anyway.
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And remember, Your Highness,
if you're ever in too deep,
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just say the code word
and we'll step in to save you.
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What's the code word?
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Pizza Express, woking.
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00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:43,279
I'm not sure how I'd ever
fit that into a conversation,
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but I'll make it sound
as natural as possible.
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Good man, good man.
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Well, here goes nothing.
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Gentlemen, thank you.
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And say goodbye to the man
you know and love.
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I'll see you in 2026
where I can finally
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hold my head up high and say--
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Live from London,
it's Saturday night!
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It's "Saturday Night Live."
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with
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Hammed Animashaun.
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Ayoade Bamgboye.
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Larry Dean.
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Celeste Dring.
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00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,400
George Fouracres.
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00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,240
Ania Magliano.
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00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,480
Annabel Marlow.
118
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:04,960
Al Nash.
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00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,200
Jack Shep.
120
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,200
Emma Sidi.
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00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,240
Paddy Young.
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ú Musical guest, Wolf Alice.
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ú And your host, Jamie Dornan.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Jamie Dornan.
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Thank you.
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00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:05,640
Thank you!
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00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,039
Thank you very much.
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00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,439
I'm very happy to be
here as the first
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ever host of "SNL
UK," since the first
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00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,799
ever host of "SNL UK."
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00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,719
My name is Jamie Dornan.
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00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,519
I'm the star of "The Fall,"
the Oscar-winning film,
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"Belfast," and of course,
your auntie's favorite dreams.
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00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:31,479
Now, over the years,
it's fair to say
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00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,079
you've all seen a lot of me.
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00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:39,439
And by that, I mean my arse.
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But there is another part
of me that you've not seen.
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00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:48,160
So tonight, I've decided--
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00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,160
to follow broadcast guidelines
and keep it that way.
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00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:59,359
But I will reveal something
far more intimate about myself.
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00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,079
Because I'm not just
a sex symbol, who
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00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,119
looks sexy
in everything he does,
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I am also a guy
who collects rocks
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That look like potatoes.
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Bring them out, boys.
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Come on.
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They're my girls.
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Look at these gorgeous
little things.
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And no, this isn't a joke.
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God knows, I wish it was.
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@ And if you-- if you Googleú
Jamie Dornan Potato Rocks,
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you'll see that I'm
telling the truth.
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Trust me, this is real.
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I look for these
when I'm on holiday.
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00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,760
I mean, this one looks
exactly like a chip.
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00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,399
You know, people
say, well, you can't
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care that much,
because you've only got five,
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00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,239
but that's wrong.
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00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,119
If I cared less,
I'd have way more.
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00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:08,399
My standards are,
like, very, very high.
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Like, take this
one, for example.
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Can we get a close up on this.
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I mean, isn't she beautiful?
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Seriously, this is who
you want to sleep with?
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Not me, your rock suck.
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I think they're suck.
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Hang on.
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00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,279
I recognize that voice.
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Was that Chris O'Dowd?
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That's right, it's me,
your greatest enemy and
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00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,719
personal friend, Chris O'Dowd.
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Yeah.
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What's going on?
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Yeah.
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Couldn't help but notice
that you're showing
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off your spud rocks again--
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You pebble slag.
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Seriously, Chris.
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I mean, do you really
have to turn up
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in the middle of everything
I do and ruin it?
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00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,319
Is that what
you're going to do?
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Well, it seems that maybe
I do have to do that, Jamie.
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00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,319
OK.
184
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,759
I don't really-- I
mean, what do you want?
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00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,359
Well, you are the man
who's got everything, huh?
186
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,359
But maybe you don't
have everything.
187
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:17,199
Maybe you're missing
a little something.
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00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,519
You've swapped one
of my rocks for a potato?
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00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:25,559
Yes, I did do that
for some reason!
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00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:28,839
And here's the best bit, huh.
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00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:29,800
Smell it.
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00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:33,799
I'm not-- I'm not going to--
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Smell my spud, Dornan.
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Yeah, that's right.
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It's not even Irish.
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It's just domestic slop.
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OK.
Right.
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00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,479
I'm sorry, I'm going
to have to deal with this.
199
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,159
We've got a great
one for you tonight.
200
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:52,239
Wolf Alice are here.
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00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,239
So stick around.
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00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,639
Enjoy the show.
203
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,999
Right, come on, now give
me that back right now.
204
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,439
Hola, amigos.
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00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:11,719
We out here in Bristol Airport
and we are going to España.
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00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,239
España.
207
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,279
The most beautiful place
in the world, A country
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00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,519
of art, culture,
and culinary delights.
209
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,759
And when we get
there, there's only
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00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,680
one place we're going to go.
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00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,199
♪ To the British-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
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00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,639
♪ Just like Britain
but in Spain ♪
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00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,999
♪ Is the British-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
214
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,679
♪ It's run by Gary and Jane ♪
215
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:39,679
@ ♪ It's the British-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
216
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,399
♪ You got a shirt
in the frame ♪
217
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:45,159
♪ At the British-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
218
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,319
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
219
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,679
ú ♪ it's the British-themed ♪
220
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,439
♪ I know a place
that I gotta get to ♪
221
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,119
♪ Package holiday
flying jet to ♪
222
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,999
♪ Thee-euro beer,
two-eruo shot ♪
223
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,799
♪ It's just like the pub
by my house, but hot ♪
224
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,359
♪ Alicante, Mallorca,
and Benidorm ♪
225
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,679
♪ I don't want to speak
Spanish in any form ♪
226
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,919
♪ England football
shirt in my carry-on ♪
227
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:08,039
♪ So everybody knows I'm also
from where they are from ♪
228
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,119
♪ Everything we need ♪
229
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,319
♪ Menus we can read ♪
230
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,439
♪ On the big screen ♪
231
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,079
♪ They got West Ham leads ♪
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00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,239
♪ Come on ♪
233
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,439
ú ♪ Flexin' while we Brexitin' ♪
234
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:16,559
ú ♪ No Spanish in my Lexicon ♪
235
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,079
ú ♪ I'm wearing a sombrero ♪
236
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,719
♪ Even though this
is a Mexican ♪
237
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,519
@ ♪ I met a lass from Preston ♪
♪ Now we're sexin' ♪
238
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,719
♪ No protection ♪ú ♪
Make a bunch of babies ♪
239
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,079
♪ Bring it back to the ♪
240
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,359
♪ British-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
241
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,159
♪ We're in the Mediterranean ♪
242
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,319
♪ British-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
243
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,199
♪ And we don't speak Spanian ♪
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00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,999
ú ♪ No Lays inport the walkers ♪
245
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,159
♪ In my little pie, yeah ♪
246
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,519
♪ That's where the pork is ♪
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00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,719
♪ HB, Winchester
got all the sauces ♪
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00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:41,879
♪ Menu so extravagant ♪
249
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:43,159
♪ I'm having four courses ♪
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00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,239
♪ Eggs and chips ♪
251
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,039
♪ Pasta and chips ♪
252
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,799
♪ Fish fingers in the frozen
garlic bread and onion rings ♪
253
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,239
♪ Neil Diamond tribute
band playing the hits ♪
254
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,519
♪ Sunburn ladies are
swinging the hips ♪
255
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:56,239
♪ Oh, we're going to Ibiza ♪
256
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,519
♪ Me and all my chicas ♪
257
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,479
♪ To eat some chips and pizza ♪
258
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:04,559
♪ And at the British-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
259
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,319
♪ I'm playing darts with dad ♪
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00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,359
♪ At the British-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
261
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,839
♪ Why does Melissa look sad? ♪
262
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,279
♪ I don't understand ♪
263
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,439
What the fuck are
you talking about?
264
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:34,759
Don't just make up words.
265
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,479
Guys, this isn't right.
266
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,439
We've come all this way just
to replicate our own culture.
267
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,119
Like, surely we should
at least broaden our horizons.
268
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:43,799
She's right, we're
too narrow-minded.
269
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,439
There's got to be more to Spain
than British-themed pubs.
270
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,799
Hey.
271
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:49,800
I know a place.
272
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:55,640
Follow me.
273
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,999
♪ To the Irish-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
274
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,559
♪ The only thing
better than a British ♪
275
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:06,719
♪ Is an Irish-themed
pub, pub, pub, pub ♪
276
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,399
♪ Even though they
are quite similar ♪
277
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:09,559
♪ An Irish-themed pub ♪
278
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:10,839
♪ Come on, you sexy mamas ♪
279
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:11,879
ú ♪ I got the Irish tapas ♪
280
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,039
♪ No patatas bravas ♪
281
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,239
♪ But I got the plain patatas ♪
282
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:15,399
♪ From Dublin to Marbella ♪
283
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,479
♪ I've never tried paella ♪
284
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,999
♪ But I'm a lucky fella ♪
285
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,919
♪ Cause I own
an Irish-themed pub ♪
286
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,080
♪ In Spain ♪
287
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:53,999
I've got Amy.
288
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:55,439
She's alive.
289
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,959
And she stays that way
if you listen carefully.
290
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,959
I need 250 grand in cash.
291
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,119
So I guess, how much do you
care about your girlfriend?
292
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:07,319
What?
293
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:09,559
What?
294
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:10,959
Hi, sorry.
295
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:12,639
Um.
296
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,279
Um, it's just-- we
haven't really been,
297
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,760
um, saying
girlfriend, boyfriend.
298
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,599
But I'm really comfortable
with, like, everything
299
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:23,999
else you've said so far.
- Shut up.
300
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,200
I'm warning you.
301
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,079
I've got Amy.
302
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,359
She's alive.
303
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:34,799
And if you want
to see your friend--
304
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:35,919
Oh, no.
305
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:37,080
Sorry.
306
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,319
Just to clarify, we
are seeing each other.
307
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,240
Like, he's practically
my boyfriend.
308
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:48,759
Yeah, you got it.
You go.
309
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:50,120
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
310
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,879
I've got Amy.
311
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,239
She's alive.
312
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,719
God, it would just
literally kill me
313
00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:00,280
if he knew I was referring
to him as my boyfriend.
314
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,319
OK.
315
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,559
So you are sleeping together?
316
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,559
Yeah.
317
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:11,000
So basically we--
318
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,399
we were friends first.
319
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,319
Um, and then we had this kiss.
320
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,959
But it was just this,
like, drunk thing.
321
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,359
Like, we didn't
even speak about it,
322
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:21,079
which is, like, crazy.
323
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,839
Like, you would have thought,
like, I'd have the confidence
324
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,479
to, like, just bring it up.
325
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,719
But, like, I'm not an extrovert
like what everyone thinks.
326
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,399
Like--
327
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,879
like, I'm hesitant to join
a conga line, for God's sake.
328
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,839
So yeah, then, like, a few
weeks later, we, um--
329
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,279
we randomly slept together.
330
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,119
And then we just, like,
kept sleeping together.
331
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,239
And then you put me
in the boot of your car,
332
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,479
and now we're here.
333
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:41,600
So, like, what would
you define that?
334
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:48,479
Listen.
335
00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,959
When I was watching you
both through the tiny crack
336
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,120
in the wardrobe door--
337
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,679
I thought you looked really
comfortable together.
338
00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:02,679
Oh, my God!
339
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:03,999
Girl, thank you for saying.
340
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,039
Um--
341
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,439
Like, I don't know.
342
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,199
Like, we do know each
other intimately.
343
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,599
And, like-- like,
I could describe
344
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,040
his handwriting to you.
345
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,239
Oh, my God!
346
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,679
I'm so sorry.
347
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:17,679
I don't know why I'm
getting so upset.
348
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:18,719
No!
349
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:19,999
No, of course.
350
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,639
I mean, this is
an intense situation.
351
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,039
I've got a gun.
352
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,279
I know I should
just, like, not care,
353
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:26,599
but, like, he's so fit.
354
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,759
Like, he's like
a fit version of you.
355
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,239
Oh.
356
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:32,799
I mean, hey, you don't
have to tell me twice.
357
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,559
You know, I saw him when
I was creeping on you.
358
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,119
OK, like, you can,
like, totally say
359
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,239
if this is crazy,
obviously, but, like,
360
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,199
do you think there's
a way you could
361
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,200
ask him where his head's at?
362
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:52,719
Girl, I gotta ask for the
money anyway, so of course!
363
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:54,279
Oh!
364
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,479
Just send it on my phone.
365
00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,759
Oh, I probably should have
taken that off you beforehand.
366
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:01,759
Probably.
367
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,119
So I'll text him.
368
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:06,200
No, we're not married,
just Instagram DM.
369
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,319
I have Amy.
370
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:17,239
I need to know, do
you care about her?
371
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,759
Do you want her to be
your girlfriend?
372
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,519
Do you have other girls to fall
back on if she goes missing?
373
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,359
I mean, what are
your hopes for the future?
374
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,999
Like, do you even
want to have kids?
375
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:33,039
And once I know all that,
I'll send through the demands.
376
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,479
Oh my God!!
377
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,119
- I know!
- I feel so nervous!
378
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,559
I know, like,
what if he ends me?
379
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:41,959
Ooh.
380
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,199
Hey, if he won't pay you--
if he won't pay 250 grand
381
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,159
to stop me from chopping
you into little pieces,
382
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,879
then he doesn't deserve you.
383
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,839
Aww.
384
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:55,199
Oh, my God, he's typing.
385
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,519
He stopped?
386
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:57,959
Oh, should I send
him another text?
387
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,199
No, no, no,
don't double text.
388
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,319
Maybe we should upload
an Instagram story
389
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,919
of your little girl
hand in my boy hand.
390
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:04,919
Oh, my God.
391
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,159
OK, it's genius.
392
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,039
Oh, my God, he sent a video.
393
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:13,399
@ - Mm, mm, May, yo, listen,
I'mú sorry that you were being
held
394
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,919
hostage like that
and all that--
395
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,919
@ and all that stuff, but I
just feel like I really
396
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,399
ú need to be single right now.
397
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,399
Obviously, like, if you
do escape, then link me
398
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,719
ú and I can-- babe, I'm coming.
399
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:26,879
Babe, oh my God.
400
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:27,879
Babe.
401
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,159
Aw.
402
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,839
Oh, my God.
403
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,519
I'm-- I'm so sorry that's
happened to you, babe.
404
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,119
Babe, like, I'm sorry
this has happened to you.
405
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:38,719
Like, you clearly put
so much work into, like,
406
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,079
setting this whole thing up.
407
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,159
No, it's, like,
so-- so not on that.
408
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,559
I'm going to have
to kill you now.
409
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,919
Babe, like, in the spirit
of being direct,
410
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,719
like, I have taken your gun.
411
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,439
OK!
412
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,039
And I am going to escape!
413
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,360
Oh, she's the CEO
of her own future!
414
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,279
Aww.
415
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,759
Promise me you
won't go back to him.
416
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:03,839
Babe.
417
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,639
I will.
418
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:17,719
Eleanor.
419
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,719
Sweetheart, it's
1:00 in the morning.
420
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:20,999
What are you doing?
421
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,799
Putting the clocks
forward, daddy.
422
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,399
Daylight Saving Time.
423
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,639
If we don't change the clocks
tonight, he'll get us.
424
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,239
Who's going
to give us, Eleanor?
425
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,479
The Time Man.
426
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,799
He waits for us
at the end of every year
427
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,679
and brings the new
one in with song.
428
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,479
He keeps the seasons
in his pockets.
429
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:39,119
The keeper of the clocks,
the Boogie Woogie Man.
430
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:41,039
Jools Holland.
431
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,199
That's just a myth, Eleanor.
432
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,639
It's true!
433
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,559
He brings the new year
in with his hootenanny.
434
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,879
And every spring, he flies
across the country to check
435
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,839
that we've changed the clocks.
436
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,479
Have you forgotten?
437
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,559
He imprisons our souls in his
Boogie Woogie Wonderland.
438
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,599
I know all the stories.
Come on, let's get to bed.
439
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:58,399
OK?
440
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,039
It's too late.
441
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,039
He's here.
442
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,319
Who?
443
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:06,999
Ladies and gentlemen,
Olivia Dean!
444
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,679
Clocks forward now!
445
00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:12,839
5, 4-- better
change your clocks.
446
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,359
I'm nearly here--
3--
447
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,359
Hide!
448
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,479
2.
449
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,599
Hello!
450
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:18,599
1--
451
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,439
Good evening, everybody.
452
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,319
Have you had a good winter?
453
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:28,440
It's Jamie Cullens here!
454
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:33,559
Joss Stone, everyone,
playing a cut of her
455
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,119
new album "Super Duper Loud."
456
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:37,759
I'm certain, .
457
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:39,119
He wants his hour.
458
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:40,879
If we give him his
hour, then he'll go.
459
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:41,999
Oh, very good.
460
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:42,999
Bang on time!
461
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,240
Sting will be pleased.
462
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,359
You forgot the oven!
463
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,439
Where's my hour?
464
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:55,439
Go on!
465
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:56,440
Run!
466
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:00,119
Big year for you, Dad.
467
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:01,039
What's next?
468
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,799
I think he wants an anecdote.
469
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:04,839
Does it have to be funny?
470
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:06,239
Not really.
471
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:07,839
Tell the lovely
people what's in store!
472
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,239
That is so open ended?
473
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,479
Dad's here, everybody!
474
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:11,479
We love you!
475
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:12,519
We welcome you!
476
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,799
More Jools?
477
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,879
Well, I'm not called
Jool Holland, am I?
478
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:16,879
Hey!
479
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:17,879
Ha ha!
480
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:18,919
Jessie J?
481
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,120
What are you doing?
482
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,759
You didn't give me my hour.
483
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,879
Why don't you join me
in my Boogie Woogie
484
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,639
Wonderland forever?
485
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,040
Hootenanny!
486
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,040
Dad?
487
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,839
Visit
gov.uk/where'sjool'shour
488
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,239
for more.
489
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:15,999
OK.
490
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,279
Just lining up, guys.
491
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:18,679
This is the big moment.
492
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,399
Mother and son reunited
after years of war.
493
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,919
OK?
494
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,519
We've got some eye drops if you
need help with the crying or--
495
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,319
Well, I'm happy
give it a go without.
496
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:28,319
Yeah, me too.
OK.
497
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:29,799
OK.
Right.
498
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,399
Well, let's just go
for one, see what happens.
499
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:32,399
Yeah?
500
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,479
Rolling!
501
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,959
ú - Uh, "The Battle Within."
502
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,639
Take one.
503
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:42,639
And action!
504
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,079
Mother?
505
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,240
I'm home.
506
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:58,240
Oh, my son.
507
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:02,879
Oh, my son.
508
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:05,960
Oh, my son.
509
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,559
So it's her line?
510
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,599
Oh, sorry!
511
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:14,799
Sorry!
512
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,199
Yes.
513
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:17,639
So, Stella, a little
quicker in on the line.
514
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:18,599
Yes, quicker on the line.
Yep, yep, yep.
515
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,119
OK, great.
516
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,199
And remember, you're a mother
being reunited with her son,
517
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,639
OK?
- Yes.
518
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:24,639
Got it?
519
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:25,639
OK.
520
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:26,999
Rolling!
521
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:28,479
"The Battle Within."
522
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,279
Take two.
523
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,679
And action!
524
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:35,159
Mother?
525
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:37,239
I'm home.
526
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:41,559
Oh, my son.
527
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,040
I've dreamed of this day.
528
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,239
Do I seem very different?
529
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,679
Well, I need--
530
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:59,079
to get a look at you
to answer that.
531
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:01,239
Sorry.
532
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,319
You look the same as ever.
533
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,959
Oh, God, I missed you, Mummy.
534
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:08,079
You know, I--
535
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,639
I had the strangest
time in the war.
536
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,319
I met this old man.
537
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:13,799
Whoa!
- Whoa!
538
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:15,359
- Whoa.
- Whoa!
539
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:16,799
- What's going on here?
- Whoa!
540
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,519
Whoa, I don't think
that's the story, love.
541
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:19,719
No, no.
542
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,039
Sorry, no, sorry, I wasn't--
543
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,839
No, I was just
leaning in to listen.
544
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,039
I like, what are you saying?
545
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:26,679
What are you saying, son?
- OK.
546
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:27,959
- Yeah.
- So, Stella.
547
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:28,919
- Yeah.
- You're playing his mother.
548
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:29,919
Yeah yeah.
549
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,519
OK.
550
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,079
Do you think the skirts
maybe, like, a little bit
551
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,679
cinched for mom?
552
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:35,959
Yeah, I'm not worried
about that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
553
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,359
OK, we're losing time.
554
00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:38,679
Michael, we really need
to get that speech.
555
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,119
Are you happy
to just go for it?
556
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:41,479
Yeah, I'm ready.
Yeah, yeah.
557
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,119
OK, Stella, just
reactions from you, OK?
558
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,759
Really almost
nothing at all, OK?
559
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:47,959
We're still rolling.
560
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:48,959
All right.
561
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,199
Just reactions, OK.
562
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:51,879
Action!
563
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:57,759
I know I'm back, but in a
sense, I'm not really here.
564
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:00,119
Mm-hmm.
565
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:01,479
The things I've seen.
566
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:02,319
Oh, yeah.
567
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:03,639
The things I've done.
568
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:04,640
Oh.
569
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:09,320
Mother.
570
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:12,599
My, my mother.
571
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,839
Yeah, yes.
572
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,159
I've done some bad things
573
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,719
Oh, yes!
574
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:19,999
I mean no, oh, no.
575
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,159
Oh, no.
576
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:22,359
It keeps me up at night.
577
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:26,519
Oh, all night long, son.
578
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:29,479
I did some terrible
things in-- in the war.
579
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:30,520
Oh, naughty.
580
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,719
You were so naughty in the war.
581
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:36,239
Cut!
582
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,279
Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry.
583
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:39,839
This is not working
for me at all.
584
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:41,559
- Get her out of here!
- No, no, no, I can do it.
585
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:43,199
No, I can do it!
I can do it!
586
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:44,239
No, my son!
587
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,959
My sexy son!
588
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,839
They thought there was
a chance this might happen,
589
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,039
so don't worry, we've already
got another actress lined up
590
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,039
ready to go.
591
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,039
Come on.
592
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:54,759
Oh my son.
593
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:56,959
Oh!
594
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,159
What is happening?
595
00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,279
No, wait.
596
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:00,319
I actually like this one.
597
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:04,479
OK, that's lunch everyone.
598
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,759
What?
599
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,720
Ladies and gentlemen,
Wolf Alice!
600
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,439
♪ Music and love had
magnetic properties ♪
601
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,359
♪ Wrote a scholar
from the island ♪
602
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:29,959
♪ That they kept from me ♪
603
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,679
♪ And I don't need to solve
my unknown identity ♪
604
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,799
♪ Just need an answer
to the question in the taxi ♪
605
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:38,799
♪ My sister paints
apathy like blasphemy ♪
606
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:42,319
♪ But I never thought
names deserve such energy ♪
607
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,599
♪ It's my choice to choose
who I embrace as family ♪
608
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,279
♪ My choice to choose, yeah, ♪
609
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,039
♪ My choice to choose, yeah ♪
610
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,359
♪ Know who I am, ♪
611
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:55,359
♪ That's important to me ♪
612
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:57,399
♪ Do what I can ♪
613
00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:01,879
♪ To see the wood
from the trees ♪
614
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,199
♪ Know who I am, ♪
615
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,439
♪ That's important to me ♪
616
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:13,239
♪ Let the branches
wrap their arms ♪
617
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,279
♪ Around me ♪
618
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,439
♪ I could just
wander, always, ♪
619
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,279
♪ Like a leafú on the
southeast breeze ♪
620
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:24,919
♪ I do not need no rooting, ♪
621
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:28,199
♪ I carry home with me ♪
622
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,399
♪ To be a nomad floating ♪
623
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,559
♪ On the waves
of the Channel sea ♪
624
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:37,959
♪ I can see England waving ♪
625
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,599
♪ White horses carry me ♪
626
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:57,279
♪ Music and love have
magnetic properties ♪
627
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,199
♪ Wrote a scholar
from the island ♪
628
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:00,639
ú ♪ That they kept from me ♪
629
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,519
♪ I don't need to solve
my unknown identity ♪
630
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:06,599
♪ Just need an answer
to the question in the taxi ♪
631
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,799
♪ My sister paints
apathy like blasphemy ♪
632
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:11,159
♪ I've seen God's green earth ♪
633
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:12,959
♪ With the people
closest to me ♪
634
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:16,359
♪ My choice to choose
who I embrace as family ♪
635
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:18,159
♪ I choose you, yeah, ♪
636
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:19,919
♪ I choose you, yeah ♪
637
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:22,159
♪ Know who I am ♪
638
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:26,199
♪ That's important to me ♪
639
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,159
♪ Do what I can ♪
640
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:31,919
♪ To see the wood
from the trees ♪
641
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:35,119
♪ Know who I am ♪
642
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:38,279
ú ♪ That's important to me ♪
643
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:42,719
♪ Let the branches
wrap their arms ♪
644
00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,399
♪ Around me ♪
645
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:49,279
♪ I can just wander always ♪
646
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:52,199
♪ Like a leaf
on the southeast breeze ♪
647
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:55,839
ú ♪ I do not need no rooting ♪
648
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:58,359
♪ I carry home with me ♪
649
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:02,279
♪ To be a nomad floating ♪
650
00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:05,479
♪ On the waves
of the Channel Sea ♪
651
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,799
♪ I can see England waving ♪
652
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,919
♪ White horses carry me ♪
653
00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,119
♪ Know who I am ♪
654
00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:18,159
♪ That's important to me ♪
655
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:20,119
♪ Do what I can ♪
656
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,079
♪ To see the wood
from the trees ♪
657
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,039
♪ Know who I am ♪
658
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,239
♪ That's important to me ♪
659
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:42,719
♪ Let the branches
wrap their arms ♪
660
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:44,519
♪ Around me ♪
661
00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:47,639
♪ I can just wander always ♪
662
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:50,479
♪ Like a leaf
on a southeast breeze ♪
663
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:54,199
♪ I do not need no rooting, ♪
664
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:57,439
♪ I carry home with me ♪
665
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:00,639
♪ To be a nomad floating ♪
666
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:03,959
♪ On the waves
of the Channel Sea ♪
667
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:06,439
♪ I can see England waving, ♪
668
00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:11,559
♪ White horses carry me ♪
669
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:49,520
@ - It's "Weekend Update" withú
Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.
670
00:31:55,760 --> 00:31:58,839
Good evening and welcome
to "Weekend Update."
671
00:31:58,840 --> 00:31:59,839
I'm Paddy Young.
672
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:01,200
And I'm Anna Magliano.
673
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,039
in a world of darkness,
horror and despair,
674
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:10,079
we're here to make it worse.
675
00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:11,240
Let's have it!
676
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,479
The conflict in the Middle
East continues to escalate.
677
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,279
Israel has
intercepted a missile
678
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,799
from Yemen, which has been
identified as a Houthi missile.
679
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:26,319
As in, Houthi hell
fired that missile?
680
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:27,919
While Trump has
been insisting
681
00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:30,239
that Iran wants
a deal so badly,
682
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:31,959
an Iranian military
spokesperson
683
00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:35,359
has said, quote, "our first and
last word from the very first
684
00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:38,639
day has been is
and will remain:
685
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,839
someone like us will never come
to terms with someone like you.
686
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:43,839
Not now and not ever."
687
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,680
Oh my God, just kiss already.
688
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,079
Corey Edwards, a reform
candidate in Wales,
689
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:55,119
has stepped down after being
photographed while appearing
690
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:56,639
to do a Nazi salute.
691
00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:59,359
Reform leader Nigel Farage
said it looks terrible.
692
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,199
And he's right--
the arm's too low.
693
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:03,159
He's grinning.
694
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:04,319
And wears his swastika?
695
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,439
When did Nazis get so sloppy?
696
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:10,039
Chancellor Rachel
Reeves has indicated
697
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:11,719
that millions
of households will
698
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:15,239
get no help from the government
to pay soaring energy bills.
699
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:16,440
Thanks, bitch.
700
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:23,679
A US Congressman has made
a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson
701
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,719
to testify about her close
personal and business ties
702
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:28,359
to Jeffrey Epstein.
703
00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:31,080
But to be fair to Fergie,
she does have a full diary.
704
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,599
Reports have revealed that in
the upcoming musical adaptation
705
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:40,999
of "Trainspotting,"
the main character
706
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,719
will be addicted
not only to heroin
707
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,399
but also to social media.
708
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:48,799
The show will premiere
in July and is being directed
709
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,240
by your year 11 drama teacher.
710
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:55,919
Leonid Radvinsky, the owner
of OnlyFans, has died.
711
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,479
So gentlemen, when you're
visiting the site this week,
712
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,520
lower your penises
to half mast.
713
00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:05,079
Beautiful funeral, by the way.
714
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:06,480
Wasn't a dry tissue
in the house.
715
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:12,559
And now, it seems like
the whole world is at war--
716
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,719
Russia and Ukraine,
the Middle East, Chappell Roan
717
00:34:14,720 --> 00:34:15,720
and that tiny girl.
718
00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:19,839
By the way, it was actually
Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard.
719
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:21,679
But anyway, war.
720
00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:23,439
We could just keep
making jokes about it.
721
00:34:23,440 --> 00:34:27,079
But first, we do want
to check, are you OK?
722
00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:35,839
This is "Hand in Hand"
with Ania and Pad.
723
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,319
We're here to tell you
that it's gonna be OK.
724
00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:40,079
Because we've got each other.
725
00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:42,759
World War III,
sounds scary, huh?
726
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:44,559
But we've already had two.
727
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:45,799
And don't--
728
00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:48,639
And don't they say good
things come in threes?
729
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:50,679
Good things can
come from war--
730
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,839
antibiotics, jet
engines, something
731
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:55,479
to talk to your dad about.
732
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:59,479
If London gets bombed,
house prices will drop.
733
00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:01,439
And so will house numbers.
734
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,119
We'll all get to live across
the two houses that are left,
735
00:35:04,120 --> 00:35:06,359
like in "Friends."
736
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:09,159
It might sound scary to have
missiles rain down on us,
737
00:35:09,160 --> 00:35:11,199
but look on the bright side.
738
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:13,320
Steven Bartlett might
get his face blown off.
739
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:18,999
And who's to say we
won't come out on top?
740
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:22,279
As a nation, we've beaten them
all-- the French, the
741
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,000
Germans, foot-in-mouth.
742
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:26,559
And sure, the bad
guys might win
743
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,760
and we end up
speaking Ukrainian.
744
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:34,919
But don't worry,
we're in this together.
745
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:35,919
We've got you.
746
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:37,479
We've got each other.
747
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:39,959
This has been "Hand in Hand"
with Paddy and Ania.
748
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:50,159
Research has found that
pregnant women on the Tube
749
00:35:50,160 --> 00:35:52,959
have to stand
for an average of five stops
750
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:54,639
before being offered a seat.
751
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:57,319
It seems like a bit of social--
basic social etiquette,
752
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:00,440
but please, if you're
watching, men, wear a condom.
753
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:05,439
Looksmaxxing influencer
Clavicular has been arrested,
754
00:36:05,440 --> 00:36:07,559
and I'm sure he has no
regrets about dedicating
755
00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:10,479
his life to making himself
look like a beautiful young boy
756
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:12,120
right before he
was taken to jail.
757
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,919
The former Tory Justice
Minister, Crispin Blunt,
758
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:22,839
has admitted to hosting chemsex
parties and has been fined
759
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:26,279
1,200 pounds for possessing
illegal drugs,
760
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:29,599
including crystal meth
and the sedative GBL.
761
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:31,359
I have to say, he
looks surprisingly
762
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:34,040
grumpy for someone who loves
being jacked up on meth.
763
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:37,239
Blunt told the court
that he got
764
00:36:37,240 --> 00:36:39,439
involved in the chemsex
party scene to help
765
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:42,599
inform government policy.
766
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:45,119
Blunt is set to publish his
research in a parliamentary
767
00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:48,039
advisory paper entitled,
"Oh my God guys,
768
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:50,120
you have to try chem sex!"
769
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:53,759
In his speech to the courts,
Blunt called for all drugs
770
00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:56,719
to be legalized, but he
acknowledged that the chemsex
771
00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:59,359
lifestyle did carry
risks, like cumming
772
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:02,679
so hard you drop your poppers.
773
00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:04,720
Trust me, it happens.
774
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,639
In lighter news, the town
of Grantham in Lincolnshire
775
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:10,119
has announced
that it's reviving
776
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:12,319
its Medieval Onion Fair.
777
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:15,479
The event, on October 10th,
will see onion tastings,
778
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:17,879
onion-themed street food,
onion-flavored drinks and
779
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:19,319
an onion-eating competition.
780
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:20,559
So if you're
looking something--
781
00:37:21,720 --> 00:37:23,439
So if you're looking
for something
782
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:26,000
fun to do on October the 10th,
why not avoid Grantham?
783
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:30,399
An AI-generated military
influencer and foot
784
00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:34,279
fetish model has reached over a
million followers on Instagram.
785
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:37,799
There she is in her
military-grade stilettos.
786
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:41,639
Honestly, what kind of a sad,
sexually frustrated loser
787
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:43,839
would sit alone fantasizing
about her for hours
788
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:45,240
in my bedroom last night?
789
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:50,999
A new documentary
reveals K-pop group BTS
790
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:52,239
struggled to return
to music after
791
00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:54,239
mandatory military service.
792
00:37:54,240 --> 00:37:56,519
So did the stress
of this overstimulate
793
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:58,879
Jimin, causing
sunflower spillover, and
794
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:00,719
micro-snaps towards Jungkook?
795
00:38:00,720 --> 00:38:02,279
And what now?
796
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:03,999
Will these whimsical detours
cause the deep thinker
797
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:05,879
RM to become overprotective?
798
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:08,639
And what about the push-pull
duo of Suga and J-Hope?
799
00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:11,399
Can Jin be the quiet
stabilizer anchoring Jungkook
800
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,359
with microbubble
maintenance, or
801
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:15,679
will V use his whimsy shield
to offset bubble drift
802
00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:19,039
and soften Jimin
with mirror gestures?
803
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:20,959
No idea.
804
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:22,440
I've never even heard of BTS.
805
00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:28,119
A new report has said
that birth rates in the UK
806
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,199
are falling,
and for a change, us girls
807
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:31,919
are getting the blame for it.
808
00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:34,359
Reform's Matt Goodwin
has said that the problem
809
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:38,239
is women having children
too late in life.
810
00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:39,799
You know who I wish
left having a baby
811
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:41,599
till it was too late
in life, Matt Goodwin?
812
00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:42,600
Your mom.
813
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:45,599
Here to discuss
the ins and outs,
814
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,039
please welcome
our own fertility
815
00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:49,719
expert and cast member,
Ayoade Bamgboye.
816
00:38:49,720 --> 00:38:50,719
Hi, everybody.
817
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,119
Thank you for having me.
818
00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:55,399
Thank you.
819
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,079
So, Ayoade, you're
here to explain
820
00:38:58,080 --> 00:38:59,359
why you think birth plates--
821
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:00,719
birth rates are plummeting?
- Yes.
822
00:39:00,720 --> 00:39:02,599
And the media would
have you thinking
823
00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,719
@ that this is a complex
issue,úbut it's actually quite
simple.
824
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:07,879
We're not being honest about
what the real problem is here.
825
00:39:07,880 --> 00:39:10,399
Uh, women not
wanting to have babies?
826
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:14,039
Women not wanting to have
babies with men like you.
827
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:15,039
Why me?
828
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:16,439
How was this my fault?
829
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:17,919
Paddy, no one looks
at you and thinks,
830
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:19,759
yes, your genes
must be preserved
831
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:22,039
for the next generation.
832
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:23,519
What's wrong with old Pads?
833
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:25,079
When was the last time
you changed your bedding?
834
00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:26,159
Can you drive?
835
00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:27,639
Have you drank water today?
836
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:29,039
I had a shower.
837
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:31,759
How is he going
to impregnate anyone?
838
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:33,159
He's completely dehydrated.
839
00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:36,279
His sperm probably
looks like dusty oats.
840
00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:37,679
Wait, wait there a second.
841
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:39,359
What if I told you
that most women actually
842
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:40,919
want to have children?
843
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:43,239
And I'm gonna have to say
the quiet part out loud.
844
00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:45,479
The fact of the matter
is, men are very,
845
00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:47,480
very difficult to be around.
846
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,839
Ania, have you
watched a man eat?
847
00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:54,679
It's not good.
848
00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:56,159
It's so scary.
849
00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:58,479
This generation of men
just aren't up to it.
850
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:00,199
They're easily overwhelmed.
851
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:01,760
Some even have the audacity
to grow a mustache.
852
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:08,159
Mustache is for men with
full driving license.
853
00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:10,119
So what is your solution
to a generation
854
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:12,919
of women being repulsed by the
idea of having my children?
855
00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:14,119
I'm so glad you asked.
856
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:15,919
To me, we have two options.
857
00:40:15,920 --> 00:40:18,159
We bank the sperm
of the gays-- the practicing
858
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,399
gays, to be exact.
859
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,319
And we just use that, yes.
860
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:26,399
Or we milk three
to five high-value males
861
00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:29,199
whose seed would
actually be useful to us.
862
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:31,079
So, for example, people
like Martin Lewis,
863
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:33,599
money saving expert.
864
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:34,759
Yes!
865
00:40:34,760 --> 00:40:36,839
Ayoade, we can't
milk Martin Lewis.
866
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:37,879
We need him on the front line.
867
00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:38,919
To be fair, you're right.
868
00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:40,279
You're right.
869
00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:42,119
We can't lose
our strongest soldier.
870
00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:43,839
Thanks for joining
us, fertility expert
871
00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:45,239
Ayoade Bamgboye, everybody.
872
00:40:47,560 --> 00:40:49,159
From "Weekend Update,"
I'm Paddy Young.
873
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:50,559
And I'm Ania Magliano.
874
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:52,359
Good night.
875
00:41:24,640 --> 00:41:25,879
Please!
876
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:27,119
I can't do it anymore.
877
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:28,159
Please.
878
00:41:28,160 --> 00:41:29,639
You're coming with me!
879
00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:30,719
Please!
880
00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:39,959
This ain't right.
881
00:41:39,960 --> 00:41:41,679
Pipe down, for cripes sake.
882
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:43,679
If they hear you, it'll
be lashings for all of us.
883
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:44,679
You.
884
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:46,239
What is it we do here?
885
00:41:46,240 --> 00:41:47,439
I can't.
886
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:48,919
I can't!
887
00:41:48,920 --> 00:41:50,719
I need to hear you say it.
888
00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:52,799
What is it we do here?
889
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:56,839
You know when you open a hot
wrap from Pret or McDonald's--
890
00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:59,839
And part of the wrap sticks
to the inside of the packet--
891
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:01,799
So when you take it
out, the whole wrap
892
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:04,199
completely falls apart?
893
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,240
We're the people who
glue down that bit wrap.
894
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:16,919
♪ I can't do this anymore ♪
895
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:21,119
♪ It ain't right ♪
896
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:25,119
♪ Gluing all day,
gluing all night ♪
897
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:27,000
♪ Gluing wraps! ♪
898
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:32,680
♪ Will they join my fight? ♪
899
00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:36,319
Oh, God.
900
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:40,239
Hey, look at her,
the people's princess.
901
00:42:40,240 --> 00:42:43,239
Seen her kind before,
haven't we, Marty?
902
00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:46,239
Brave, rebellious,
doesn't understand
903
00:42:46,240 --> 00:42:48,160
the wraps gluing thing.
904
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,719
♪ Pipe down, little gal ♪
905
00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:53,079
♪ You ain't got a clue ♪
906
00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:55,519
♪ Shut that shiny
mouth of yours ♪
907
00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:57,319
♪ You ain't too good to glue ♪
908
00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:59,399
♪ We like things
how we like 'em ♪
909
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:01,399
♪ We're ever
so scared of change ♪
910
00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,159
♪ Being alive is suffering ♪
911
00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,760
♪ We exist to remind
you of that ♪
912
00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:10,399
But would it be
so bad if the wraps?
913
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,079
Came out in one piece?
914
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:13,199
Ah!
915
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:15,199
Face facts, Freckles.
916
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:18,879
It's rotten work,
but someone's got to do it.
917
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:21,759
Do they though?
918
00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:24,199
Do I smell unglued wraps?
919
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:27,639
Quick, it's the foreman!
920
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:31,319
♪ I am a man ♪
921
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:32,519
♪ And that is good ♪
922
00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:35,359
♪ And I run this factory ♪
923
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:36,919
♪ My wife is dead ♪
924
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:38,679
I hate the poor.
925
00:43:38,680 --> 00:43:40,999
And I'm the mayor.
926
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:42,919
Whoa.
927
00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:47,839
Well, well, well, if it ain't
my stinky little workforce,
928
00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:52,239
with their horrible faces
living their miserable lives.
929
00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:57,080
Oh, doing exactly what
they're told, I'm sure.
930
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:00,320
Huh.
931
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:06,120
Who is responsible for this?
932
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:11,839
I said, who is
responsible for this?
933
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:13,399
Me!
934
00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:18,359
Oh, tired sweetheart.
935
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:21,399
Cream crackered
from gluing wraps?
936
00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:26,239
Oh, you could always work
in my other factory, where
937
00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:28,759
we stick fruit polos
together so they congeal
938
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:30,599
into one weird cylinder.
939
00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:37,119
Tired?
940
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:39,559
I'm not tired.
941
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:44,119
I'm the opposite of tired,
whatever that is.
942
00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:47,799
In fact, I'm just
getting started!
943
00:44:47,800 --> 00:44:48,800
Stop her!
944
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:51,239
♪ Please can't you see ♪
945
00:44:51,240 --> 00:44:52,839
♪ Why we're here? ♪
946
00:44:52,840 --> 00:44:55,159
♪ We are ruining the lunches
of innocent folk ♪
947
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:56,439
♪ We mustn't turn our backs ♪
948
00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:57,839
♪ On the backs of the people ♪
949
00:44:57,840 --> 00:44:59,759
♪ On the street who
need us the most ♪
950
00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:01,239
♪ We can't ♪
951
00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:02,239
♪ You with the glue ♪
♪ Which is true ♪
952
00:45:02,240 --> 00:45:03,559
♪ What I'm saying ♪
953
00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:04,759
♪ What's not sticking
in your brain ♪
954
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:05,919
♪ You're not listening ♪
955
00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:06,959
♪ Same old story being said ♪
956
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:08,839
♪ Tie her up instead ♪
957
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:09,919
♪ Bad luck ♪
958
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:11,119
♪ It's stuck ♪
959
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:15,879
♪ We can't give
up, my friend! ♪
960
00:45:21,720 --> 00:45:23,359
♪ She's right ♪
961
00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:24,519
♪ I join the fight ♪
962
00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:26,199
♪ Me too ♪
♪ And me ♪
963
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:27,639
♪ She'll set us free ♪
964
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:28,799
♪ A new life ♪
965
00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:30,039
♪ No strife ♪
966
00:45:30,040 --> 00:45:34,039
♪ Also, how is this a job? ♪
967
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:35,079
Whoa.
968
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:36,679
Get off me.
969
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:38,039
I said, get off me.
970
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:39,319
He's going to fall
into the furnace.
971
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:40,999
No one's even touching him.
972
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:42,719
It's the power of song!
973
00:45:42,720 --> 00:45:45,919
Curse you, you
bloody little bitch!
974
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:47,080
Ah!
975
00:45:55,680 --> 00:45:56,680
Wow.
976
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:03,519
His reign of terror is over.
977
00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:05,799
People of the factory
what glues down
978
00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:10,079
wraps, we're finally
free to get new jobs
979
00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:12,399
in an Amazon warehouse!
980
00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:13,799
Yes!
981
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:18,719
♪ Yeah ♪
982
00:46:21,600 --> 00:46:22,599
I'm Olly Duggan.
983
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:23,479
And I'm Matty Duggan.
984
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:26,199
And we are the Beanz Bros.
985
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:27,719
Growing up, we
never had much, but
986
00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:30,439
there was always two
things we could rely on,
987
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:35,039
our lovely Nanny Sue, and her
legendary beans on toast.
988
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:36,839
Four years ago,
our beautiful Nanny Sue
989
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:39,279
took out her life savings so
that we could follow our dreams
990
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:41,239
and open our very
own food truck.
991
00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:46,359
And since then, we've
sold over 50 million beans
992
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,039
to happy customers up
and down the country.
993
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,119
We owe everything we have
to our dear Nanny Sue and
994
00:46:52,120 --> 00:46:53,760
our kick-ass secret recipe.
995
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:58,759
@ - And before you ask, ay, ourú
Nanny Sue is that Sue Duggan,
996
00:46:58,760 --> 00:47:01,399
@ recently dubbed the Toxicú
Widow because last week she
997
00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:04,039
@ was convicted of injecting
a bus full of children
998
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:05,999
with hepatitis C.
999
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:11,199
@ - And before you ask, no,
weú don't know why she did it.
1000
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:15,079
@ - And before you ask, yes, we
have cut ties with Nanny
1001
00:47:15,080 --> 00:47:16,599
Sue completely.
1002
00:47:16,600 --> 00:47:19,279
We're opening our first
real restaurant tomorrow,
1003
00:47:19,280 --> 00:47:22,959
and the timing
could not be worse.
1004
00:47:22,960 --> 00:47:24,279
ú - We've got classic beans.
1005
00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:25,959
We've got Nashville
barbecue beans.
1006
00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:28,239
We've got Thai
green curry beans.
1007
00:47:28,240 --> 00:47:30,199
And before you
ask, no, the beans
1008
00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:32,239
ú will not give you hepatitis.
1009
00:47:32,240 --> 00:47:34,679
And before you ask,ú
yes, some of the children
1010
00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:36,399
are still in comas.
1011
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:39,799
Also, before you ask, yes, we
are both considering chemical
1012
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:44,159
castration just to make sure
the evil in our bloodline
1013
00:47:44,160 --> 00:47:45,400
dies with us.
1014
00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:51,959
ú - We also do chicken wings!
1015
00:47:51,960 --> 00:47:54,719
At Beanz Bros we have three
things we are passionate about:
1016
00:47:54,720 --> 00:47:57,719
big flavors, good vibes,
and atoning for the sins
1017
00:47:57,720 --> 00:47:59,399
of our wicked family.
1018
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:01,399
That's why we've partnered
with a local charity that
1019
00:48:01,400 --> 00:48:03,679
helps rehabilitate
grandmothers convicted
1020
00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,639
of serious violent crime.
1021
00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:06,879
This is Jenny.
1022
00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:08,079
She cut the brakes
on her daughter
1023
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:09,679
in law's Vauxhall Corsa.
1024
00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:11,799
Sandra posted a letter
bomb to her next-door
1025
00:48:11,800 --> 00:48:13,559
neighbor because they
left their Christmas
1026
00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:14,679
lights up too long.
1027
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:19,359
Deborah threw acid
at an Uber driver.
1028
00:48:19,360 --> 00:48:22,439
Before you ask, yes, it
was racially motivated.
1029
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:25,519
Fuck, fuck!
1030
00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:26,639
This is hell.
1031
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:29,119
What do we have
to do it ourselves?
1032
00:48:29,120 --> 00:48:31,879
So come on down to Beanz
Bros because those kids
1033
00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:37,759
@ are not coming back, and
weú don't want to go to hell.
1034
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:43,159
Once again, Wolf Alice!
1035
00:48:50,760 --> 00:48:55,879
♪ It really, really
made the room sing ♪
1036
00:48:55,880 --> 00:49:00,479
♪ The way you said my name ♪
1037
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:05,679
♪ Like you could not
believe I'd be here ♪
1038
00:49:05,680 --> 00:49:10,279
♪ Though our friends
are all the same ♪
1039
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:15,199
♪ I wanted you
to walk on over ♪
1040
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:20,159
♪ But you turned
and went the other way ♪
1041
00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:25,159
♪ I followed you
around the corner ♪
1042
00:49:25,160 --> 00:49:28,479
♪ Now I'll always
picture you this way ♪
1043
00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:30,919
♪ Leaning against the wall ♪
1044
00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:39,399
♪ You put my world in slow-mo ♪
1045
00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:49,519
♪ You put my name
up in lights ♪
1046
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:55,959
♪ Because ♪
1047
00:49:55,960 --> 00:50:01,039
♪ Doesn't anybody love
you more than I do? ♪
1048
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:02,399
♪ No ♪
1049
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:05,080
♪ Isn't anyone out there? ♪
1050
00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:19,079
♪ "Is love our greatest
performance?" ♪
1051
00:50:19,080 --> 00:50:23,799
♪ I thought as you
spun me around ♪
1052
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:28,639
♪ Public displays
of affection ♪
1053
00:50:28,640 --> 00:50:33,639
♪ Well, it takes two,ú so
there's always a crowd ♪
1054
00:50:33,640 --> 00:50:38,519
♪ I dance so you
will watch me ♪
1055
00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:43,399
♪ That doesn't hurt my pride ♪
1056
00:50:43,400 --> 00:50:47,639
♪ I like the thrill
of my performing ♪
1057
00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:50,839
♪ When I abuse the courage
of white wine ♪
1058
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:54,439
♪ And you're leaning
against the wall ♪
1059
00:50:58,240 --> 00:51:02,439
♪ You put my world in slow-mo ♪
1060
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:12,679
♪ You put my name
up in lights ♪
1061
00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:19,399
♪ Because ♪
1062
00:51:19,400 --> 00:51:23,640
♪ Doesn't anybody love
you more than I do? ♪
1063
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:28,000
♪ Is there anyone out there? ♪
1064
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:36,199
♪ Because, ♪
1065
00:51:36,200 --> 00:51:38,999
♪ Because ♪
1066
00:51:39,000 --> 00:51:42,800
♪ Doesn't anybody love
you more than I do? ♪
1067
00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:49,599
♪ Isn't anyone out there? ♪
1068
00:51:55,560 --> 00:52:09,799
♪ I'm in love ♪
1069
00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:14,760
♪ Am I in love ♪
1070
00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:26,399
♪ I'm in love ♪
1071
00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:08,959
Oh.
Right.
1072
00:53:08,960 --> 00:53:09,959
Home time, I think.
1073
00:53:09,960 --> 00:53:11,599
Oh, uh, sorry.
1074
00:53:11,600 --> 00:53:14,439
I've been trying to keep
my cool all night,
1075
00:53:14,440 --> 00:53:16,439
but I'm such a huge
fan of yours.
1076
00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:18,839
Like, I can't believe
ex-international rugby player
1077
00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:23,039
Jason Robinson OBE is
actually dating my best--
1078
00:53:23,040 --> 00:53:25,039
my wife's best friend.
1079
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:26,399
Thanks.
1080
00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:28,759
You know, I have
to-- have to say, I was
1081
00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:29,999
quite good at rugby myself.
1082
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:31,239
Oh, yeah?
1083
00:53:31,240 --> 00:53:32,839
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.
1084
00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:34,679
I probably could have gone
pro if it wasn't for my--
1085
00:53:34,680 --> 00:53:37,799
Oh, no no no, please-- please
don't say knee, all right?
1086
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:39,359
I hate that.
1087
00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:40,959
Do you know how many people
come up to me and say,
1088
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:42,679
oh, I could have gone pro
if it weren't for my knee.
1089
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:45,719
No, you couldn't go pro because
you weren't good enough,
1090
00:53:45,720 --> 00:53:47,679
you know?
1091
00:53:47,680 --> 00:53:49,679
No, I was good enough.
1092
00:53:49,680 --> 00:53:51,279
It wasn't-- it wasn't
actually my knee.
1093
00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:54,639
I had a different--
like a rare condition.
1094
00:53:54,640 --> 00:53:55,640
What condition?
1095
00:53:58,000 --> 00:53:59,679
Uh, ah, one second.
1096
00:53:59,680 --> 00:54:01,439
I'm just-- I'm just going
to get another drink.
1097
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:02,519
All right.
1098
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:04,559
Did he finally
mention the rugby?
1099
00:54:04,560 --> 00:54:05,399
Yeah, big time.
1100
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:06,599
Oh, he loves it so much.
1101
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:07,679
Bless him.
1102
00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:09,519
Did he freak out?
- No, no, no.
1103
00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:11,119
He was going on about how
he could have gone pro if he
1104
00:54:11,120 --> 00:54:13,719
weren't for his condition.
1105
00:54:13,720 --> 00:54:15,399
- His what?
- Yeah.
1106
00:54:15,400 --> 00:54:16,759
Babe, sorry, can I see you
in the kitchen for a second?
1107
00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:18,919
Yeah.
1108
00:54:18,920 --> 00:54:20,080
What's up?
1109
00:54:22,040 --> 00:54:24,519
I've gone and bloody cut
my balls off and superglued
1110
00:54:24,520 --> 00:54:26,440
them onto my hips, haven't I?
1111
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:33,760
You've what?
1112
00:54:37,760 --> 00:54:40,839
I've cut off my balls
and stuck them to my hips.
1113
00:54:40,840 --> 00:54:44,599
What part of that
don't you understand?
1114
00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:45,799
Why?
1115
00:54:45,800 --> 00:54:48,079
I panicked, I panicked.
1116
00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:49,439
I needed a serious condition.
1117
00:54:49,440 --> 00:54:52,039
Otherwise, he's not
going to like me.
1118
00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:54,159
He's going to-- he's going
to think I'm just one of those,
1119
00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:57,639
like, "I could have been a pro
if it wasn't for my knee" guys.
1120
00:54:57,640 --> 00:54:58,919
You are that!
1121
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:00,199
Please!
1122
00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:01,359
This is my last
chance to be friends
1123
00:55:01,360 --> 00:55:02,679
with a genuine rugby player.
1124
00:55:02,680 --> 00:55:05,039
Just let me have this.
1125
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:07,280
Fine.
1126
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:10,559
Ah.
1127
00:55:11,480 --> 00:55:13,759
Does anyone want more wine?
1128
00:55:13,760 --> 00:55:15,160
Because I need a drink.
1129
00:55:17,360 --> 00:55:18,599
Are you all right, mate?
1130
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:19,600
Yeah.
1131
00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:24,719
Yeah, he's-- he's got
this rare condition,
1132
00:55:24,720 --> 00:55:26,399
and it's just flaring up.
1133
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:27,799
Don't be ashamed, Jonathan.
1134
00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:28,760
Show them.
1135
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,120
Yeah.
1136
00:55:36,240 --> 00:55:38,079
Whoa, what the fuck?
1137
00:55:38,080 --> 00:55:39,520
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
1138
00:55:42,240 --> 00:55:43,999
Yeah, I was--
1139
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:45,079
I was born with it.
1140
00:55:45,080 --> 00:55:47,199
It's called, um--
1141
00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:50,040
It's called
scrotumus hiptomums.
1142
00:55:52,080 --> 00:55:55,239
What-- how did that
stop you playing?
1143
00:55:55,240 --> 00:55:56,480
That's a great question.
1144
00:55:58,960 --> 00:56:00,599
Everything was going
great, you know.
1145
00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:03,799
I kept it sort of hidden until
I was about 15 and then--
1146
00:56:03,800 --> 00:56:05,119
then my balls dropped.
1147
00:56:05,120 --> 00:56:08,319
And it became a problem
during lineouts.
1148
00:56:08,320 --> 00:56:12,399
So painful, you know, getting
picked up from my waist,
1149
00:56:12,400 --> 00:56:15,359
like crushing
my balls, so yeah.
1150
00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:18,119
Oh, and during scrums, yeah.
1151
00:56:18,120 --> 00:56:19,799
Because the scrums
the lads would--
1152
00:56:19,800 --> 00:56:24,879
they'd have their ear pressed
against each of my balls.
1153
00:56:24,880 --> 00:56:26,599
Oh, wow.
1154
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:30,599
I'm not going to lie, it would
be hard to go pro with those.
1155
00:56:30,600 --> 00:56:32,359
You-- you-- you'd
be in the showers
1156
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:33,839
looking like a--
like a sparsely
1157
00:56:33,840 --> 00:56:36,279
decorated Christmas tree.
1158
00:56:36,280 --> 00:56:37,439
Sorry-- sorry, mate.
1159
00:56:37,440 --> 00:56:38,599
Sorry, mate.
1160
00:56:38,600 --> 00:56:40,839
That was above
the belt. I respect
1161
00:56:40,840 --> 00:56:42,040
you and your struggle, man.
1162
00:56:44,640 --> 00:56:45,639
Is he good, yeah?
1163
00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:46,879
Yeah, he's fine.
1164
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:48,359
All right, well, I'll
see you at work, so.
1165
00:56:48,360 --> 00:56:49,719
Great to see you, Jason.
1166
00:56:49,720 --> 00:56:50,719
Let yourselves out.
1167
00:56:50,720 --> 00:56:51,719
Bye, Jason, mate.
1168
00:56:51,720 --> 00:56:54,559
See you.
1169
00:56:58,120 --> 00:56:59,999
Oh my God.
1170
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:01,359
Oh.
1171
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:03,759
Soph just asked if Jason
can have your number.
1172
00:57:03,760 --> 00:57:05,199
Yes!
Yes.
1173
00:57:05,200 --> 00:57:06,199
Well done.
1174
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:07,679
Oh, my balls.
1175
00:57:24,920 --> 00:57:28,359
Well, my biggest thanks
to Wolf Alice, to Chris O'Dowd.
1176
00:57:28,360 --> 00:57:30,759
Huge thank you
to the cast, the writers,
1177
00:57:30,760 --> 00:57:33,919
everyone working on the show
for making such a great week.
1178
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:36,199
Good night.
1179
00:57:36,200 --> 00:57:37,199
Thank you.
83231
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