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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:53,090 --> 00:00:55,760 Bobby-boy, stay while mommy picks up free cheese. 2 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,050 This will keep the sun out of your eyes 3 00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:01,930 Be good. 4 00:01:08,270 --> 00:01:10,400 Don't you fucking move, you little shit machine. 5 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,150 Mama's gonna try to score. 6 00:01:17,190 --> 00:01:20,160 Excuse me, who's watching these babies? 7 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:22,620 The fat one's watching the little one? 8 00:01:22,660 --> 00:01:24,910 Nice parenting. 9 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,420 Leave them out here like that and see what happens. 10 00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:29,710 Fuck you, you fucking square! 11 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,630 Yeah, keep on trucking. 12 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,260 Did you hear the fucking guy tell me how to fucking raise you? 13 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:35,720 What a fucker man. 14 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,170 Who does he think he fucking is? 15 00:01:37,300 --> 00:01:38,220 What's the worst that could fucking happen to you 16 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:40,430 standing in front of a store? 17 00:01:40,590 --> 00:01:41,680 Fuck! 18 00:01:44,470 --> 00:01:46,140 Fuck. 19 00:01:46,930 --> 00:01:49,560 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 20 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:52,810 Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck- mother-motherfuck-fuck. 21 00:01:52,940 --> 00:01:54,900 Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch, no inch, no inch. 22 00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:56,860 One, two, one-two-three-four. 23 00:01:57,030 --> 00:01:58,610 No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch, 24 00:01:58,820 --> 00:02:02,200 Smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers. 25 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:06,030 Drinking beers, beers, beers. Rolling fatties, smoking blunts. 26 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,990 Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts. 27 00:02:10,870 --> 00:02:12,500 Let me have a nickel bag. 28 00:02:12,620 --> 00:02:16,420 Fifteen bucks, little man. Put that shit in my hand. 29 00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:20,300 If that money doesn't show, then you owe me, owe me, owe. 30 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:24,090 My Jungle Love. Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh! 31 00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:26,760 I think I want to know you, know you. 32 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,310 What the hell are you singing? 33 00:02:29,470 --> 00:02:31,100 You don't know "Jungle Love"? 34 00:02:31,350 --> 00:02:32,600 That shit is the mad notes. 35 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:33,900 Written by God herself... 36 00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:37,110 and handed down to the greatest band in the world. 37 00:02:37,270 --> 00:02:39,150 The motherfucking Time. 38 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,900 You mean the guys in that Prince movie? 39 00:02:41,070 --> 00:02:41,940 Yeah, "Purple Rain." 40 00:02:42,110 --> 00:02:45,030 That shit was so gay. Fucking 80's style. 41 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,580 Don't never say an unkind word about "The Time". 42 00:02:50,660 --> 00:02:53,120 Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives... 43 00:02:53,290 --> 00:02:54,460 around Morris Day and Jerome. 44 00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:57,580 I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy... 45 00:02:57,630 --> 00:03:00,590 and tubby here is my black man-servant. 46 00:03:00,710 --> 00:03:01,460 What? 47 00:03:01,630 --> 00:03:03,800 What did tell you two about dealing in front of the store? 48 00:03:04,010 --> 00:03:07,470 Drop the kid and pedal your wares someplace else, burn-boy. 49 00:03:08,850 --> 00:03:11,760 And for the record, "The Time" sucked ass. 50 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,810 Want to hear something fucked up about him and that Quick-Stop boy? 51 00:03:20,230 --> 00:03:21,770 Are you supposed to be here today? 52 00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:23,360 Don't get me started. 53 00:03:23,530 --> 00:03:25,530 Can't we do something about those two stoners... 54 00:03:25,650 --> 00:03:27,360 hanging around outside the store all the time? 55 00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:28,740 Why? What did they do now? 56 00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:30,700 I'm trying to watch "Clash Of The Titans" 57 00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:31,450 and all I can hear is... 58 00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:34,080 those two screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. 59 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,580 I thought the fat one didn't talk that much. 60 00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:38,920 What, am I producing an A & E biography about them? 61 00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:42,790 Two packs of wraps. How is the service? 62 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:44,630 What service? 63 00:03:44,710 --> 00:03:46,380 The one at the Unitarian Church last week... 64 00:03:46,510 --> 00:03:48,470 where you two got married to each other 65 00:03:48,590 --> 00:03:50,050 What the hell are you talking about? 66 00:03:50,220 --> 00:03:52,010 Jay said you guys had a "Star Wars" theme wedding... 67 00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:54,430 and you tied the knot dressed like Storm Troopers. 68 00:03:54,510 --> 00:03:56,770 And he says you're the bitch and you're butch. 69 00:03:56,890 --> 00:03:58,180 I'm the bitch? 70 00:03:58,310 --> 00:03:59,890 If we were gay, that's the way I'd see it. 71 00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:00,940 Will you shut up? 72 00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:03,440 Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over. 73 00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,110 That does it. 74 00:04:05,230 --> 00:04:07,570 I am gonna do something about these two stoner fucks... 75 00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:09,530 I should've done a long time ago. 76 00:04:11,740 --> 00:04:13,490 What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do? 77 00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:17,120 We got a report of two guys hanging around a store selling pot. 78 00:04:17,330 --> 00:04:18,910 We don't smoke pot. 79 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,830 No pot? What do you use this for? 80 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:25,000 I have a wiping problem, I stick those little pieces of paper... 81 00:04:25,050 --> 00:04:28,010 over my brown eye and bam! - No shit stains on my undies. 82 00:04:28,170 --> 00:04:29,800 You don't believe me? I'll show you. 83 00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,010 Check this out. 84 00:04:31,220 --> 00:04:33,390 Just spread my cheeks and you can see the stink nuggets. 85 00:04:33,470 --> 00:04:35,640 Pull up your fucking pants, sir. 86 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,760 Now! 87 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,270 Let's go. We're going down to the station. 88 00:04:41,310 --> 00:04:44,060 What, is it a crime to fart? Motherfucker 89 00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,610 No fucking way! 90 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,570 Dante and Randal slapped you with a restraining order? 91 00:04:49,730 --> 00:04:51,440 Ain't that about a bitch? 92 00:04:51,490 --> 00:04:53,200 Are you gonna abide by the court's ruling... 93 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,450 or are you gonna go bandit, Reynold's style? 94 00:04:55,610 --> 00:04:57,910 Judge said if we go within a hundred feet of the store... 95 00:04:58,070 --> 00:04:59,620 we get thrown into County. 96 00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:01,450 You know what they make you do in County? 97 00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:03,660 Toss the salad. 98 00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,750 If you guys really wanted to hang out in front of a convenience store... 99 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,670 you could buy your own with all that money you guys made. 100 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,920 Hell, yeah, bitch. 101 00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:12,340 Wait a second-what money? 102 00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,260 The money from the Bluntman And Chronic movie. 103 00:05:18,930 --> 00:05:21,270 Oh my God, don't tell me you have no idea... 104 00:05:21,390 --> 00:05:23,390 that there's a movie being made of the comic... 105 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,600 you two were the basis for? 106 00:05:25,770 --> 00:05:28,020 What? Since when? 107 00:05:28,190 --> 00:05:31,980 Here's the pulse. And this is your finger... 108 00:05:32,150 --> 00:05:35,240 far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. 109 00:05:36,450 --> 00:05:39,200 Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? 110 00:05:40,410 --> 00:05:45,040 If you read Wizard, you'd know that it's the top story this month. 111 00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:46,660 Check it out. 112 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,460 When the fuck did this happen? 113 00:05:50,630 --> 00:05:52,500 After-X-Men hit at the box office... 114 00:05:52,630 --> 00:05:54,880 all the studios started buying every comic property... 115 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,180 they could get their dirty little hands on. 116 00:05:57,380 --> 00:05:59,840 Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic. 117 00:05:59,970 --> 00:06:00,470 Miramax? 118 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,930 I thought they only made classy pictures... 119 00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:05,140 like The Piano, or The Crying Game. 120 00:06:05,310 --> 00:06:08,270 Once they made She's All That, everything went to hell. 121 00:06:08,390 --> 00:06:11,480 You're saying you haven't gotten a monetary cut of the movie? 122 00:06:11,650 --> 00:06:13,480 Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards... 123 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,280 used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book? 124 00:06:15,490 --> 00:06:17,900 We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie. 125 00:06:18,070 --> 00:06:21,070 I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky... 126 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,030 owe you some of that proverbial "fat cash". 127 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,250 If I was you guys, I'd find Holden McNeil... 128 00:06:26,450 --> 00:06:28,080 and ask for my movie check. 129 00:06:28,290 --> 00:06:30,660 Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid! 130 00:06:30,870 --> 00:06:33,340 And on that note, we cue the music. 131 00:06:50,180 --> 00:06:54,230 Look at these morose motherfuckers right here. 132 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:59,320 Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bunngg! 133 00:07:00,150 --> 00:07:01,820 Come on in. 134 00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:05,320 What brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods? 135 00:07:05,530 --> 00:07:07,870 I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods. 136 00:07:07,950 --> 00:07:09,830 Where's our motherfucking movie check? 137 00:07:09,870 --> 00:07:11,750 You heard about that, huh? 138 00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:12,580 I got nothing to do with it. 139 00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:13,330 That's Banky's deal. 140 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:14,120 He owns the property now. 141 00:07:14,290 --> 00:07:17,040 I sold my half of the Bluntman and Chronic rights to him years ago. 142 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,170 Why the fuck would you do a thing like that? 143 00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:22,880 Why in Gods' name would I want to keep writing about characters... 144 00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:26,470 whose central preoccupation is weed and dick and fart jokes. 145 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,850 You gotta grow, man. 146 00:07:29,060 --> 00:07:31,430 Don't you want anything more for yourself? 147 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,810 I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. 148 00:07:35,310 --> 00:07:38,650 I look into his sorry, doe eyes and I see a man crying out. 149 00:07:38,900 --> 00:07:40,320 He's crying out "When, Lord?" 150 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,820 When the fuck can your servant... 151 00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:45,570 ditch this foul mouthed little chucklehead... 152 00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:48,240 to whom I am a constant victim of his folly. 153 00:07:48,370 --> 00:07:50,700 So much so that it prevents me from ever getting a girl. 154 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,370 Fuck! When, Lord, when? 155 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,450 When's gonna be my time? 156 00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:58,920 He knows. 157 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,500 I'm the chucklehead? 158 00:08:00,710 --> 00:08:01,920 You're the fucking dumb ass... 159 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,040 who gave your comic away. 160 00:08:03,210 --> 00:08:05,510 Now you don't get no fucking movie check neither. 161 00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:07,090 When you're right, you're right. 162 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,220 I wish I'd held on to a little piece of that thing because... 163 00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:12,600 if the buzz is any sign, that movie's gonna make some huge bank. 164 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,180 What buzz? 165 00:08:14,390 --> 00:08:15,470 The internet buzz. 166 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,770 What the fuck is the internet? 167 00:08:17,940 --> 00:08:20,310 The internet is a communications tool used the world over... 168 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,320 where people can come together to bitch about movies... 169 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:23,400 and share pornography. 170 00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:26,780 Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com. 171 00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,570 Poop shoot, yeah. 172 00:08:29,150 --> 00:08:31,530 This is a site populated by militant movie buffs. 173 00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:35,160 Sad, pathetic little bastards living in their parents' basement... 174 00:08:35,290 --> 00:08:38,620 downloading scripts and what they think is inside information... 175 00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:41,420 about movies and actors that they claim to despise yet... 176 00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:42,670 can't stop discussing. 177 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:44,710 Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic. 178 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,300 "Inside sources tell me Miramax is starting production this Friday..." 179 00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:51,680 "on their adaptation of underground comic fav Bluntman & Chronic." 180 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:52,640 Friday? Shit. 181 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,510 Does it say who's playing us in the movie? 182 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:55,600 No, but it's Miramax, 183 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,060 so I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. 184 00:08:58,220 --> 00:08:59,560 They put them in a bunch of movies. 185 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:00,270 Who? 186 00:09:00,390 --> 00:09:02,390 Those kids from "Good Will Hunting". 187 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,650 You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? 188 00:09:04,690 --> 00:09:06,730 I wasn't a big fan either. 189 00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:09,320 But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms". 190 00:09:09,570 --> 00:09:12,200 Word, bitch. "Phantoms" was a motherfucker! 191 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,370 Here we go. 192 00:09:16,450 --> 00:09:17,620 This is the shoot back section. 193 00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:21,080 This is where the people get to chime in with their two cents. 194 00:09:21,210 --> 00:09:24,790 Here's a guy with the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"... 195 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,630 opining on what he thinks about Bluntman & Chronic. 196 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:28,460 He says... 197 00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:30,710 "Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid alter egos Jay & Silent Bob... 198 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,880 "only work in small doses, if at all." 199 00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:34,970 "They don't deserve their own movie." 200 00:09:35,130 --> 00:09:35,760 He's got a point. 201 00:09:35,930 --> 00:09:37,390 Fuck him. What's the next one say? 202 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:39,470 This is entitled "Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses". 203 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,350 "Bluntman & Chronic is the worst comic I ever read." 204 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,640 "Jay & Silent Bob are stupid characters." 205 00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:47,270 "A couple of stoners who spout dumb ass catch phrases..." 206 00:09:47,310 --> 00:09:49,690 "like a third rate Cheech & Chong, or Bill & Ted." 207 00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:54,990 "Fuck Jay & Silent Bob! Fuck them up their stupid asses!" 208 00:09:55,150 --> 00:09:56,950 Who the fuck said that shit? 209 00:09:57,110 --> 00:10:00,070 He calls himself Magnolia Fan. Check this one out. 210 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,040 "Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes that only stoners laugh at." 211 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,170 "They are fucking clown shoes." 212 00:10:06,330 --> 00:10:10,090 "If they were real I'd beat the shit out of them for being so stupid." 213 00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:12,760 "I will be boycotting this movie. Who is with me?" 214 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,220 Then there's fifty more posts of people... 215 00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:17,090 who are joining this guy's boycott. 216 00:10:17,340 --> 00:10:19,890 I'm gonna kill all these fucks. 217 00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:22,560 Let it go. They're not talking about you guys. 218 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,430 They're talking about Bluntman & Chronic. 219 00:10:26,730 --> 00:10:27,940 But they said Jay & Silent Bob. 220 00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:29,100 They used our real names. 221 00:10:29,270 --> 00:10:31,270 It doesn't matter if there's a comic version... 222 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:34,320 because no one knows we're real in real life. 223 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:38,320 And all the people reading that shit think the real Jay & Silent Bob... 224 00:10:38,490 --> 00:10:40,740 are a couple of jerk-offs because of what these dick-heads... 225 00:10:40,910 --> 00:10:43,080 are writing about the comic Jay & Silent Bob. 226 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,790 Maybe one night me and lunch-box are making some chick and she says... 227 00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:50,170 "Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off. 228 00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:51,830 What're your names?" 229 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,960 And I say "Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize." 230 00:10:55,090 --> 00:10:57,130 And she says "I read on the internet that..." 231 00:10:57,300 --> 00:11:00,550 "you guys were a couple of little fucking jerk-offs." 232 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:03,350 And then she goes and sucks two other guys dicks off instead. 233 00:11:03,470 --> 00:11:05,260 Fuck that! 234 00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:07,140 We got to put a stop to these fucking hateful... 235 00:11:07,350 --> 00:11:10,100 sons of bitches before they ruin our good names. 236 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,060 First of all, I don't know how good your names are... 237 00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:14,770 and second, there's not much you can do about stopping this bile. 238 00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:16,400 The internet has given everyone in America a voice... 239 00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:18,980 and everyone in America has chosen to use that voice... 240 00:11:19,110 --> 00:11:19,990 to bitch about movies. 241 00:11:20,110 --> 00:11:21,400 As long as there's Bluntman & Chronic movie... 242 00:11:21,570 --> 00:11:24,780 the net nerds are gonna have something negative to say. 243 00:11:24,990 --> 00:11:25,990 Wait a second. 244 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,700 If there wasn't a Bluntman & Chronic movie... 245 00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:31,200 then those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit about Jay & Silent Bob. 246 00:11:31,450 --> 00:11:33,960 They're not saying anything about you now. 247 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,540 They're talking about fictional characters. 248 00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:39,210 Fictional characters. 249 00:11:39,380 --> 00:11:42,420 Am I getting through to you at all? 250 00:11:42,460 --> 00:11:45,470 So all we gotta do is stop the fucking movie from getting made. 251 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:48,890 And forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars... 252 00:11:49,050 --> 00:11:51,140 that you two would be entitled to in the process. 253 00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:52,600 Are you fucking retarded? 254 00:11:52,770 --> 00:11:55,480 I don't think I'm alone in the world... 255 00:11:55,690 --> 00:11:58,480 Greedo shooting first. 256 00:11:58,650 --> 00:12:02,070 A Jay & Silent Bob movie? 257 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,030 Who'd pay to see that? 258 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,370 But, since it appears inevitable, I recommend that you... 259 00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:15,000 go hunt Banky down and get your mother fucking movie check... 260 00:12:15,210 --> 00:12:17,830 as you succinctly put it, because that's what's important, right? 261 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,670 No, Holden McNeil. 262 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,300 The important thing here is a bunch of mother fuckers... 263 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,220 we don't even know calling us assholes on the internet... 264 00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:29,010 to teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. 265 00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:31,970 Putting a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do. 266 00:12:32,010 --> 00:12:34,640 When is this movie getting made? 267 00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:36,100 They start this Friday. 268 00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:40,400 So, if today is Tuesday, that gives us... 269 00:12:42,230 --> 00:12:43,820 eight days. 270 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,820 Three by my count, but close. 271 00:12:45,990 --> 00:12:47,650 My bad. 272 00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:51,070 Three days to stop that fucking stupid movie from getting made. 273 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,080 C'mon, Silent Bob- we're going to Hollywood. 274 00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:16,810 Tickets? 275 00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:19,180 Since when did they start charging for the bus? 276 00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:22,560 Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free? 277 00:13:26,610 --> 00:13:27,570 This sucks balls, man. 278 00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:29,690 How come we ain't getting no rides? 279 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,910 Because you're doing it all wrong. 280 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,870 You gotta give the driver a little incentive. 281 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,330 Like how? 282 00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:40,660 Like this. 283 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:44,500 But what happens when they pick you up and you don't... 284 00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:45,920 make with the head? 285 00:13:46,090 --> 00:13:47,550 Don't they kick your ass to the curb? 286 00:13:47,710 --> 00:13:50,380 Sure, if you don't make with the head. 287 00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:57,930 Yeah. If it'll get me a couple hundred miles across the country... 288 00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,430 I'll take a shot in the mouth. 289 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,100 But we ain't gay. 290 00:14:02,270 --> 00:14:04,650 Don't be so suburban. 291 00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:06,110 It's the new millennium. 292 00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:09,400 Gay, straight- it's all the same now. 293 00:14:09,570 --> 00:14:11,690 There are no more lines. 294 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,200 There's a line, and on the side of it we ain't gay. 295 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,030 All the hitchers do this. 296 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,240 Why do you think people pick us up? 297 00:14:20,410 --> 00:14:22,450 If you get a ride, it's expected. 298 00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:24,870 I don't care who the driver is. 299 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,090 It's the first rule in the book. 300 00:14:28,250 --> 00:14:29,750 What book? 301 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,750 The unwritten book of the road. 302 00:14:48,770 --> 00:14:51,060 Follow the rules of the book... 303 00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:53,360 and you'll get where you're going in no time. 304 00:14:53,530 --> 00:14:55,230 Excuse me. 305 00:15:23,470 --> 00:15:24,930 You both don't have to sit back there. 306 00:15:25,060 --> 00:15:27,680 Why doesn't one of you come sit next to me? 307 00:15:34,730 --> 00:15:36,020 Where are you boys from? 308 00:15:36,190 --> 00:15:37,530 New Jersey. 309 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:38,860 But we're on our way to Hollywood. 310 00:15:39,030 --> 00:15:41,910 Hollywood, huh? That's far away. 311 00:15:42,070 --> 00:15:44,200 Thank God you picked us up. 312 00:15:44,370 --> 00:15:47,870 Do unto others- that's what the book says. 313 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,410 Wait a second- you follow the book too? 314 00:15:50,620 --> 00:15:52,620 I live my life by it. 315 00:15:52,670 --> 00:15:54,630 - You? - Of course. 316 00:15:54,790 --> 00:15:57,880 So you live by the book, too? 317 00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:01,550 You picked us up, didn't you? I have to. 318 00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:03,340 That's good to hear... 319 00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:06,850 but it's a lot easier to say you live by the book... 320 00:16:07,010 --> 00:16:09,350 than to actually do it. 321 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,520 Can you do it? All right. 322 00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:34,080 I can't believe this shit. 323 00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:35,500 Five hours and not a single ride. 324 00:16:35,670 --> 00:16:39,090 Every day people hitch to Hollywood... 325 00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:42,210 but when you and me try it's like we're trapped in a fucking cartoon. 326 00:16:59,270 --> 00:17:00,980 Zoinks. 327 00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,070 Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. 328 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,530 Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are. 329 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,160 I don't think they are masks. 330 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,030 And I don't think they're hitchhiking girls, either. 331 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,450 Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls. 332 00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:15,120 I wish they were hitchhiking girl. 333 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,660 Sexy, hitchhiking girls. 334 00:17:17,830 --> 00:17:18,630 Let's kick them out. 335 00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:20,130 We have a mystery to solve. 336 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,540 The only mystery here is why we take our cues... 337 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,960 from a dick in a neckerchief. 338 00:17:25,130 --> 00:17:25,880 Keep it up, beatnik. 339 00:17:26,010 --> 00:17:27,260 I'll feed you to the fucking dog. 340 00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:30,140 I can't take all this fighting. 341 00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:35,470 You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. 342 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,720 And I got just the thing for that. 343 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,230 We call it... 344 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,360 doobie snacks. 345 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,960 Hi, Jay and Silent Bob. 346 00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,470 I think they passed out. 347 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,100 Great. What do we do with them now? 348 00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:18,600 Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them on the black market... 349 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,730 and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. 350 00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:31,440 You see something? 351 00:18:31,650 --> 00:18:33,070 Anything? 352 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,490 I had a horrible dream. 353 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,160 Man, I'm hungry. 354 00:18:38,370 --> 00:18:40,200 Where can we get some breakfast? 355 00:18:52,170 --> 00:18:53,340 Yeah. 356 00:19:00,260 --> 00:19:01,890 Check that shit out. 357 00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:02,980 The internet. 358 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,600 Let's see if those fucks wrote something new about us... 359 00:19:04,770 --> 00:19:06,100 or that stupid-ass flick. 360 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,990 "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls..." 361 00:19:13,150 --> 00:19:15,490 "because they both, in fact, lick balls." 362 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:16,990 Mother fucker. 363 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:18,820 It's time we wrote something back. 364 00:19:18,990 --> 00:19:19,950 Type this shit down. 365 00:19:21,330 --> 00:19:23,530 All you mother fuckers are gonna pay. 366 00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:27,000 You are the ones who are the ball lickers. 367 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,710 We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry... 368 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,290 like little whiny bitches. 369 00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:32,750 One we get to Hollywood... 370 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,170 and find those Miramax fucks who are making the movie... 371 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:38,760 we're gonna make them eat our shit- then shit out our shit... 372 00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:42,050 and eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we make them eat. 373 00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:45,180 And then all you mother fucks are next. 374 00:19:45,770 --> 00:19:48,190 Love, Jay & Silent Bob. 375 00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,150 That'll show those fucks. 376 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,520 Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin 377 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:54,400 then get back on the road, go to Hollywood and stop those fucks... 378 00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:55,860 from making that movie. 379 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,690 No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs. 380 00:19:57,860 --> 00:19:59,530 We keep our eye on the prize. 381 00:19:59,610 --> 00:20:01,280 And let nothing... 382 00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:03,620 and I mean nothing distract us. 383 00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:16,170 Holy shit! 384 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:17,850 Oh, my God. 385 00:21:18,020 --> 00:21:19,860 Do you get free refills with that? 386 00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:22,110 This? No, I use this for protection. 387 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,690 So that no guys try to grab my shit or anything. 388 00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:28,070 Hi, I'm Justice. 389 00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:30,450 And I am so fucking yours. 390 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,200 I mean- hi, I'm Jay. 391 00:21:33,790 --> 00:21:36,080 And this is my hetero life-mate, Silent Bob. 392 00:21:36,250 --> 00:21:37,290 It's nice to meet you. 393 00:21:37,460 --> 00:21:39,670 Justice, huh? That's a nice name. 394 00:21:39,830 --> 00:21:43,000 Jay and Justice sitting in a tree... 395 00:21:43,170 --> 00:21:45,930 f-u-c-k-i-n-g. 396 00:21:46,090 --> 00:21:48,140 So you come around here often? 397 00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:50,350 I'm not from around here. 398 00:21:50,390 --> 00:21:52,390 My friends and I are on a road trip. 399 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:53,560 Friends, huh? 400 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:54,600 Where are they at? 401 00:21:54,770 --> 00:21:58,480 Out there by that van. 402 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:21,880 Hi. 403 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,750 Dude, I think I just filled the cup. 404 00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:32,140 Ladies, ladies, ladies - Jay and Silent Bob are in the house. 405 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,850 Who the fuck are these guys? 406 00:22:35,050 --> 00:22:37,770 This is Jay and Silent Bob. 407 00:22:37,810 --> 00:22:40,430 Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy. 408 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,810 Where the fuck did they come from? 409 00:22:42,980 --> 00:22:43,650 I met them inside. 410 00:22:43,860 --> 00:22:44,650 They're gonna hitch a ride. 411 00:22:45,070 --> 00:22:47,320 I don't know if that's such a good idea 412 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,240 Sure it is, Jugs. 413 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:50,990 Oh, my God! 414 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,700 He just called Sissy "Jugs". 415 00:22:52,860 --> 00:22:54,570 - I'm on it. - Chrissy, no! 416 00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:55,870 We're in the middle of suburbia. 417 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,240 Let's try and act like it. 418 00:22:57,410 --> 00:22:58,160 What's with the knife? 419 00:22:58,290 --> 00:22:59,330 We having cake or something? 420 00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:00,830 Shit. 421 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,160 He's retarded to boot. 422 00:23:02,330 --> 00:23:04,370 She called you retarded. 423 00:23:04,580 --> 00:23:05,920 What is wrong with you, Justice? 424 00:23:06,130 --> 00:23:07,670 You do remember where we're going, don't you? 425 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,300 And we have a job to do. 426 00:23:09,340 --> 00:23:10,710 They're just gonna tag along for a few miles. 427 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,210 They won't get in the way, I swear. 428 00:23:12,420 --> 00:23:14,930 I swear I don't know what's going on in your fucking brain lately. 429 00:23:15,180 --> 00:23:16,550 Please? 430 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:18,350 Fine, they can ride with us. 431 00:23:18,470 --> 00:23:20,810 But they are so out of here before we get to Boulder. 432 00:23:20,970 --> 00:23:21,850 Honest injun. 433 00:23:22,020 --> 00:23:24,060 - Honest injun. - Shut up. 434 00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:26,060 I can't believe what a pushover you are 435 00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:28,860 And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourself eat that shit. 436 00:23:29,020 --> 00:23:31,110 Don't you know fast food makes girls fart? 437 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,740 What's all this talk about farting? 438 00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:37,070 Hi, Brent. 439 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,240 This is Brent. He's with us, too. 440 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:43,120 Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart. 441 00:23:43,330 --> 00:23:45,620 Of course they don't. 442 00:23:45,830 --> 00:23:48,130 Only skeevy stoners fart. 443 00:23:48,420 --> 00:23:49,670 What up, homies? 444 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:53,090 Wow, three guys, four girls. 445 00:23:53,260 --> 00:23:55,170 What's the count, boys? 446 00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:56,510 Let's rock. 447 00:23:57,380 --> 00:23:59,890 Dear Mr. Science guy... 448 00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:03,020 don't spray that aerosol in my eye. 449 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,850 I don't really want to die. 450 00:24:10,020 --> 00:24:12,190 I'm a noble rabbit. 451 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,360 What are you guys, a cover band or something? 452 00:24:15,610 --> 00:24:18,030 We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC- 453 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,110 Students Against Animal Cruelty. 454 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,740 We're on our way to Colorado to give Provasik a piece of our minds. 455 00:24:25,870 --> 00:24:28,910 What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? 456 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,580 Hey! Watch the language, little boy. 457 00:24:31,670 --> 00:24:34,130 There are females present. 458 00:24:34,290 --> 00:24:38,210 Provasik Pharmaceuticals is a medical lab where they perform... 459 00:24:38,380 --> 00:24:40,050 gross experiments on animals. 460 00:24:40,220 --> 00:24:44,050 What kind of animals are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos? 461 00:24:44,260 --> 00:24:45,640 No! 462 00:24:45,890 --> 00:24:49,690 More like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers. 463 00:24:49,850 --> 00:24:51,560 Heck, even monkeys. 464 00:24:51,730 --> 00:24:54,020 If we don't speak up for them, who will? 465 00:24:54,060 --> 00:24:56,360 Right, Jussy? 466 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,070 Right, Brent. 467 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,950 Brent, can I talk to you over here for a second? 468 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:17,670 Be honest, you're down with this for the fine-ass pussy, right? 469 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:21,470 I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid. 470 00:25:22,430 --> 00:25:23,510 Even sheep? 471 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:24,590 Of course. 472 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,930 Sheep are beautiful creatures. 473 00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:28,810 They are beautiful, aren't they? 474 00:25:28,850 --> 00:25:30,520 Oh God, yes. 475 00:25:31,220 --> 00:25:32,930 So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right? 476 00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:35,020 What is your damage, little boy? 477 00:25:35,190 --> 00:25:37,400 You have a sick and twisted world perspective. 478 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,940 You're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant. 479 00:25:41,150 --> 00:25:43,280 I mean if you were another sheep. 480 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,200 Would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? 481 00:25:48,450 --> 00:25:51,040 Since you put it that way... 482 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:52,160 you bet your ass I would. 483 00:25:52,950 --> 00:25:55,080 I thought so. 484 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,250 This mother fucker ain't one of us. 485 00:25:57,420 --> 00:25:59,340 He said he'd fuck a sheep. 486 00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:05,260 Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker? 487 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,400 - What the fuck are we gonna do? - Shut up, I'm thinking. 488 00:26:20,230 --> 00:26:21,940 Is Hollywood near where we're going? 489 00:26:22,110 --> 00:26:23,860 Is that where you guys are from? 490 00:26:24,030 --> 00:26:24,730 Yeah, right. 491 00:26:24,990 --> 00:26:26,860 Jersey represent. 492 00:26:26,990 --> 00:26:28,820 Oh, a Jersey boy. 493 00:26:29,070 --> 00:26:31,070 What brings you all the way out here? 494 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,660 We couldn't hang around the Quick-Stop no more... 495 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,080 because of the restraining order. 496 00:26:34,290 --> 00:26:35,370 Which sucks ass... 497 00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:38,080 because it's been mine and Silent Bob's home since we were kinds. 498 00:26:38,250 --> 00:26:40,670 Silent Bob even busted his cherry there 499 00:26:40,710 --> 00:26:43,000 You did? 500 00:26:43,210 --> 00:26:46,630 I bet she was a lucky girl. 501 00:26:48,420 --> 00:26:50,390 Fuck that fat fuck! 502 00:26:50,550 --> 00:26:52,760 I'm trying to tell a story. 503 00:26:52,930 --> 00:26:54,260 Sorry. 504 00:26:54,430 --> 00:26:56,350 We were talking to Brodie... 505 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,350 and he told us about the Bluntman & Chronic movie... 506 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,650 so we went to see Holden McNeil and he showed us the internet... 507 00:27:00,850 --> 00:27:03,020 and that's where we found all those little fucking jerk-offs... 508 00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:04,060 talking shit about us. 509 00:27:04,230 --> 00:27:05,320 So we decided to go to Hollywood... 510 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,110 and stop the movie from getting made. 511 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:08,780 And now we're here. 512 00:27:08,900 --> 00:27:10,570 I have no idea what you just said. 513 00:27:10,650 --> 00:27:12,280 I get that a lot. 514 00:27:12,450 --> 00:27:13,820 So, you like animals, huh? 515 00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,080 Sure. 516 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,700 That's cool. Even snakes? 517 00:27:16,870 --> 00:27:19,410 You can't exclude an animal just because they're not cuddly. 518 00:27:19,580 --> 00:27:20,950 Of course I like snakes. 519 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,080 How about trouser snakes? 520 00:27:23,500 --> 00:27:25,130 What's a trouser snake? 521 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:31,760 What the fuck are you waiting for. 522 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,840 She went for the set-up... 523 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:35,680 reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch. 524 00:27:35,930 --> 00:27:38,140 Girls like that kind of shit. 525 00:27:40,730 --> 00:27:42,810 Right here is where the angel is supposed to show up... 526 00:27:42,980 --> 00:27:44,310 and tell you not to pull your dick out, 527 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,150 but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker and sent him packing... 528 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,070 so it's smooth sailing. 529 00:27:49,230 --> 00:27:51,070 Let him rip, boy. 530 00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:00,530 "Jesus loves the little children". 531 00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:02,040 Sorry I'm late. 532 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:04,370 What's the deal? 533 00:28:05,170 --> 00:28:07,500 Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking of whipping your dick out... 534 00:28:07,710 --> 00:28:10,130 at this fine piece of woman, are you? 535 00:28:11,090 --> 00:28:14,970 Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks it's a good idea... 536 00:28:15,130 --> 00:28:17,220 to whip your dick out. 537 00:28:19,140 --> 00:28:22,060 That's it. Put the dick down. 538 00:28:22,220 --> 00:28:23,480 You got to go from heart. 539 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,600 No little perv bullshit is gonna work for this one. 540 00:28:27,770 --> 00:28:30,940 Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch. 541 00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,530 I gotta go beat the shit out of two sucker punching little bitches. 542 00:28:34,690 --> 00:28:37,860 Remember- don't pull your dick out until she asks. 543 00:28:38,410 --> 00:28:40,450 Or until she's sleeping. 544 00:28:45,700 --> 00:28:46,620 Don't ask. 545 00:28:46,830 --> 00:28:48,250 So what can a smooth pimp-daddy like me... 546 00:28:48,330 --> 00:28:49,750 do to help the animals? 547 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:53,710 You really don't want to help us. 548 00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:54,630 What are you talking about? 549 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:58,090 Sure I do. I'd do anything for you. 550 00:28:59,050 --> 00:29:01,470 I mean youse guys- I 'd do anything for youse guys. 551 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:03,180 Because of the lift and shit. 552 00:29:03,390 --> 00:29:08,100 Okay. Let me talk to the other girls and get back to you. 553 00:29:08,270 --> 00:29:09,480 You do that. 554 00:29:09,690 --> 00:29:11,230 I'll be right here waiting. 555 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,120 Fuck you, fatty. 556 00:29:49,310 --> 00:29:50,850 You guys want anything from inside? 557 00:29:51,020 --> 00:29:52,100 No, we're cool. 558 00:30:18,210 --> 00:30:19,840 It just isn't the same, is it? 559 00:30:20,710 --> 00:30:23,670 This place licks balls compared to the Quick-Stop. 560 00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,380 Speaking of licking balls- how about that Justice chick? 561 00:30:26,550 --> 00:30:27,930 She is too fine. 562 00:30:28,050 --> 00:30:30,470 And she smells so fucking pretty. 563 00:30:31,140 --> 00:30:34,270 She has a nice voice, too. And that body! 564 00:30:34,390 --> 00:30:35,890 Fucking smoking. 565 00:30:36,060 --> 00:30:38,900 She didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talking to her... 566 00:30:39,060 --> 00:30:40,980 or pull out the pepper spray. 567 00:30:41,150 --> 00:30:44,990 You know, lunch box-she could be the one. 568 00:30:46,740 --> 00:30:48,070 - Smooth move, Justice. 569 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:49,740 - Nice going, four eyes. 570 00:30:50,660 --> 00:30:53,080 Why did you let that stoner throw Brent out of the van? 571 00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:55,540 If I had to listen to one more of those stupid songs... 572 00:30:55,750 --> 00:30:57,370 I was gonna throw him out myself. 573 00:30:57,460 --> 00:30:59,040 We needed Brent. 574 00:30:59,250 --> 00:31:00,630 He was our patsy, remember? 575 00:31:00,830 --> 00:31:02,170 We'll just find someone else. 576 00:31:02,380 --> 00:31:04,550 Besides, I didn't see you try to stop Jay from throwing him out. 577 00:31:04,710 --> 00:31:06,590 I didn't want to blow our cover. 578 00:31:06,630 --> 00:31:08,420 Cover? You all hated his songs, too. 579 00:31:08,630 --> 00:31:09,720 Not as much as I hate you. 580 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:11,800 We have a very simple gang. 581 00:31:11,930 --> 00:31:14,060 I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn and Missy's the tech girl. 582 00:31:14,220 --> 00:31:17,180 But lately I'm can't figure out what you're doing here. 583 00:31:17,350 --> 00:31:19,100 Your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme. 584 00:31:19,230 --> 00:31:20,440 Since you let our patsy slip away... 585 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,230 you have to convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. 586 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,360 They've gotta break into Provasik now. 587 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:29,240 You'll do it or you're out of the gang. 588 00:31:29,450 --> 00:31:31,450 Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him... 589 00:31:31,610 --> 00:31:34,080 since he's so fucking in love with you. 590 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:35,780 Jay? No, he's not. 591 00:31:35,950 --> 00:31:36,990 Am I blind? 592 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:38,620 He wasn't kissing your hand in the van... 593 00:31:38,830 --> 00:31:40,670 like he was Lord Byron? 594 00:31:40,870 --> 00:31:43,170 Maybe he has manners? 595 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:48,050 You ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat? 596 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,390 We've got about two hours before we get to Boulder. 597 00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:54,260 That'll give you plenty of time to work on him. 598 00:31:54,300 --> 00:31:55,970 - I'm not gonna do it. - Why the fuck not? 599 00:31:56,140 --> 00:31:58,140 Because he's just so innocent. 600 00:31:58,310 --> 00:31:59,270 Look at him. 601 00:32:01,980 --> 00:32:02,310 Who's it gonna be? 602 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:03,940 Him or us? 603 00:32:07,150 --> 00:32:09,820 Steal a monkey? No problem. 604 00:32:10,030 --> 00:32:11,860 It's not stealing a monkey. 605 00:32:12,030 --> 00:32:14,450 It's liberating it. It's- 606 00:32:14,610 --> 00:32:15,950 Wait a second. 607 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:17,410 Did you say "no problem"? 608 00:32:17,530 --> 00:32:19,580 Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time. 609 00:32:19,740 --> 00:32:21,700 Right, lunch-box? 610 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,870 It's not like it's a bad thing. 611 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,090 It's for a good cause. 612 00:32:27,250 --> 00:32:29,460 It's for the best cause, mon cheri. 613 00:32:29,550 --> 00:32:31,710 The cause of love. 614 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:34,300 Snoogens. 615 00:32:34,510 --> 00:32:35,720 What the heck is that? 616 00:32:35,930 --> 00:32:38,550 - What? - Snoogens, I believe. 617 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:40,060 What the fuck do you think it means? 618 00:32:40,260 --> 00:32:42,180 It means I'm kidding. 619 00:32:42,390 --> 00:32:44,560 That's too bad. 620 00:32:51,610 --> 00:32:56,360 I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing a monkey. 621 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:00,490 If I'd known that earlier... 622 00:33:00,660 --> 00:33:03,540 I'd have been stealing monkeys since I was seven. 623 00:33:03,580 --> 00:33:06,410 Don't, mother fucker- don't you ruin this for me. 624 00:33:06,580 --> 00:33:08,670 Me and Justice are gonna get married some day... 625 00:33:08,710 --> 00:33:10,750 so don't be giving me no look like we ain't gonna steal the monkey. 626 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:12,630 I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch! 627 00:33:12,670 --> 00:33:14,210 Don't forget that. 628 00:33:14,380 --> 00:33:17,590 That girl- that girl is in love with me 629 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:19,340 They're gonna do it. 630 00:33:19,510 --> 00:33:20,550 Good. 631 00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:22,720 They do their part and we'll do ours. 632 00:33:38,990 --> 00:33:41,280 Remember- we meet back here when you're done. 633 00:33:41,870 --> 00:33:42,830 Are you sure you're okay with this? 634 00:33:42,990 --> 00:33:45,790 Sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I've ever seen. 635 00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:47,290 Easy... 636 00:33:47,450 --> 00:33:49,210 What's twisting this bitch's tit? 637 00:33:49,330 --> 00:33:52,670 Maybe it's because women don't like to be called bitches, Jay. 638 00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:54,630 They don't? 639 00:33:54,790 --> 00:33:56,420 How about "fine piece of ass"? 640 00:33:56,540 --> 00:33:57,710 How about not. 641 00:33:57,880 --> 00:33:59,340 What the fuck am I supposed to call you? 642 00:33:59,550 --> 00:34:01,300 Something sweet, you big goof. 643 00:34:01,470 --> 00:34:04,180 Something nice. 644 00:34:04,340 --> 00:34:06,390 Boo-boo kitty fuck? 645 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:10,350 Okay, that's a start. 646 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:11,440 Jay, before you go... 647 00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,150 could you say something into the camera about the clitoris? 648 00:34:14,270 --> 00:34:16,610 - You are such a bitch! - Shut up, Justice. 649 00:34:16,820 --> 00:34:19,440 She's a little embarrassed. 650 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,990 We're making a documentary for a human sexuality class... 651 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,070 and we need a male perspective on the clitoris. 652 00:34:25,240 --> 00:34:26,780 The female clitoris? 653 00:34:26,950 --> 00:34:28,200 Yeah. 654 00:34:28,370 --> 00:34:29,790 Jay, you don't have to do this. 655 00:34:29,830 --> 00:34:31,120 It's cool. 656 00:34:31,660 --> 00:34:33,410 There's a few things I could say about the clit... 657 00:34:33,580 --> 00:34:36,090 that I'd like you to hear. 658 00:34:37,420 --> 00:34:39,800 I am the master of the clit. 659 00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:41,840 Remember this fucking face. 660 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:43,720 Wherever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. 661 00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:45,430 I make that shit work. 662 00:34:45,590 --> 00:34:47,180 No one rules the clit like me. 663 00:34:47,390 --> 00:34:48,350 Not this little fuck. 664 00:34:48,550 --> 00:34:50,680 None of you little fucks out there. 665 00:34:50,850 --> 00:34:53,060 I am the clit commander. 666 00:34:53,230 --> 00:34:55,390 When it comes down to business this is what I do. 667 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,860 I pinch it like this- Oh, you little fuck. 668 00:34:59,610 --> 00:35:02,070 And then I rub my nose- 669 00:35:02,230 --> 00:35:04,910 Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger. 670 00:35:05,070 --> 00:35:05,950 I will. 671 00:35:06,110 --> 00:35:07,070 Girls. 672 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,290 Do you think I could get a little kiss for good luck? 673 00:35:17,500 --> 00:35:21,170 Do you think I could get a little blow job for good luck? 674 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,130 No. Go. 675 00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:31,350 Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker. 676 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:47,190 Jussy, come on. 677 00:36:23,190 --> 00:36:25,520 - Are they in? - You could say that. 678 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:27,730 Time to shine. Let's go. 679 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:26,330 You are so gay. 680 00:37:33,590 --> 00:37:35,970 Once we get upstairs I want complete silence. 681 00:37:36,470 --> 00:37:38,380 Missy whipped this up- it counts our decibel level. 682 00:37:38,590 --> 00:37:40,350 If it goes into the red- alarm, we're dead. 683 00:37:40,970 --> 00:37:42,720 So that means not even the slightest noise, you got that? 684 00:37:42,850 --> 00:37:44,010 Got it. 685 00:37:54,030 --> 00:37:55,070 Justice, move your ass. 686 00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:21,050 Check this shit out, lunch-box. 687 00:38:21,260 --> 00:38:22,300 Animal tranquilizers. 688 00:38:22,430 --> 00:38:25,260 This shit fucks you up- like percosets. 689 00:38:29,100 --> 00:38:32,480 Keep this, so later me and Justice can shoot each other with it... 690 00:38:32,690 --> 00:38:35,020 and fuck like stoned test-bunnies. 691 00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:59,510 Suzanne. 692 00:39:01,090 --> 00:39:03,220 Boo-yah. 693 00:41:04,210 --> 00:41:06,750 Holy fuck! The little stoner was right! 694 00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:20,890 Boom-box. 695 00:41:21,730 --> 00:41:22,560 I can't believe it. 696 00:41:22,770 --> 00:41:23,270 Months of planning... 697 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:24,900 and it's all blown by a fart. 698 00:41:25,060 --> 00:41:26,020 We can't just leave them here. 699 00:41:26,190 --> 00:41:27,940 That alarm will bring the cops any minute. 700 00:41:28,110 --> 00:41:29,690 That's always been the plan. 701 00:41:29,730 --> 00:41:31,280 They take the heat off us long enough 'til we can get out of town. 702 00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:40,080 Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks. 703 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:42,040 Let's go! 704 00:41:56,010 --> 00:41:57,300 What are you looking at? 705 00:41:57,340 --> 00:41:58,590 There ain't no snacks here. 706 00:41:59,140 --> 00:41:59,800 We got what we came for. 707 00:42:00,010 --> 00:42:01,560 Let's get outta here. 708 00:42:05,310 --> 00:42:06,140 I know it's sad. 709 00:42:06,310 --> 00:42:08,400 But what are we supposed to do about it? 710 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,740 Justice, open the door! 711 00:42:22,910 --> 00:42:24,080 Oh, shit! 712 00:42:32,590 --> 00:42:34,250 Drop the bag-now!!! 713 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:08,120 Justice! 714 00:43:36,270 --> 00:43:38,190 You mind if I lean that there? 715 00:43:41,780 --> 00:43:43,150 My, oh my, oh my. 716 00:43:44,990 --> 00:43:47,200 Who let the cats out? 717 00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:49,450 Wait-is that-?? 718 00:43:49,660 --> 00:43:51,410 Excuse me, who the hell are you? 719 00:43:52,290 --> 00:43:53,460 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 720 00:43:53,620 --> 00:43:55,750 This investigation is now under my jurisdiction. 721 00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:56,630 Really? Why is that? 722 00:43:56,790 --> 00:43:59,670 Because someone let a whole mess of animals out of their cages, sir. 723 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:01,500 We believe that was just a diversionary tactic used... 724 00:44:01,670 --> 00:44:04,550 to call attention away from the real heist at the Diamond Exchange. 725 00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:07,090 Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. 726 00:44:07,140 --> 00:44:09,560 Sounds more like something out of a bad movie. 727 00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:15,980 The Provasik people say they've rounded up all their animals... 728 00:44:16,140 --> 00:44:19,150 except for one-an orangutan. 729 00:44:20,060 --> 00:44:22,150 The most dangerous animal known to man. 730 00:44:23,190 --> 00:44:24,740 Sir, this was just delivered to the station. 731 00:44:24,820 --> 00:44:26,320 What is it? 732 00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,410 It's a tape from the terrorists who claim responsibility for the break-in. 733 00:44:29,530 --> 00:44:31,450 Do you have a VCR? 734 00:44:31,490 --> 00:44:33,240 I am the clit commander. 735 00:44:33,450 --> 00:44:34,910 Oh, my God! 736 00:44:36,580 --> 00:44:38,080 Blafsky, it's Willenholly. 737 00:44:38,250 --> 00:44:41,170 I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. 738 00:44:41,340 --> 00:44:43,050 Why? 739 00:44:43,210 --> 00:44:44,920 Because we may be dealing with... 740 00:44:45,090 --> 00:44:47,220 the two most dangerous men on the planet. 741 00:44:55,930 --> 00:44:57,480 This is Jussy's monkey. 742 00:45:00,900 --> 00:45:03,020 Justice died for you, you little monkey fuck! 743 00:45:05,900 --> 00:45:07,240 Do something, tons of fun. 744 00:45:10,990 --> 00:45:13,280 Is that thing waving at us? 745 00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:17,580 It understood us. 746 00:45:18,450 --> 00:45:19,620 Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey? 747 00:45:26,420 --> 00:45:27,840 You're my bitch! 748 00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:28,960 You get my back. 749 00:45:29,130 --> 00:45:31,420 Don't go taking this fucking chimp's side. 750 00:45:45,980 --> 00:45:48,400 What if there are more super monkeys up at that lab? 751 00:45:48,610 --> 00:45:50,820 Maybe they're making an army of them up there? 752 00:45:51,240 --> 00:45:52,780 Holy shit! 753 00:45:52,950 --> 00:45:55,240 Maybe it's a conspiracy, like in the "X-Files"... 754 00:45:55,910 --> 00:45:57,200 Roswell style? 755 00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,920 This little monkey can be the fucking damn dirty apes 756 00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:06,330 responsible for fall of the human race 757 00:46:07,710 --> 00:46:10,760 and this world got mad we won't spank the monkey 758 00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,220 The monkey will spank us. 759 00:46:14,180 --> 00:46:18,050 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 760 00:46:18,220 --> 00:46:20,560 Eaten alive. 761 00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:22,980 Then these monkey fucks will start wearing our clothes... 762 00:46:23,100 --> 00:46:25,850 and rebuilding the world in their image 763 00:46:27,310 --> 00:46:28,610 And only those... 764 00:46:28,810 --> 00:46:34,150 as super smart will be left a live... 765 00:46:34,490 --> 00:46:35,610 You maniacs! 766 00:46:35,780 --> 00:46:37,110 Damn youse! 767 00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:41,700 God damn youse all to hell! 768 00:46:43,580 --> 00:46:45,660 Not on my watch, mother fucker. 769 00:46:45,870 --> 00:46:48,170 Die, you super-monkey fuck! 770 00:46:57,050 --> 00:46:59,680 Alright, you can live. For now. 771 00:47:02,140 --> 00:47:04,270 You see that shit. Bitches love me. 772 00:47:04,970 --> 00:47:05,850 Let's get something to eat. 773 00:47:08,640 --> 00:47:10,060 We ain't hiding in the woods no more. 774 00:47:10,100 --> 00:47:11,480 We gotta get to Hollywood. 775 00:47:12,110 --> 00:47:13,900 Besides, we're in the clear. 776 00:47:13,940 --> 00:47:15,690 It's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey. 777 00:47:18,990 --> 00:47:21,490 I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive News Now bulletin. 778 00:47:21,660 --> 00:47:26,040 A Provasik animal testing facility in Boulder was the focus of an attack 779 00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:28,960 by a terroristic primate rescue syndicate calling themselves... 780 00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:32,880 The Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree Dwellers... 781 00:47:33,080 --> 00:47:35,380 or simply C.L.I.T. 782 00:47:35,590 --> 00:47:37,760 In a videotape sent to authorities this morning... 783 00:47:38,010 --> 00:47:40,180 credit for the liberation of an orangutan from the lab last night... 784 00:47:40,300 --> 00:47:44,430 is taken by these men, identified in literature that accompanied the tape 785 00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:47,850 as Jay and Silent Bob. 786 00:47:48,020 --> 00:47:50,060 In this chilling clip, they make it very clear that they... 787 00:47:50,230 --> 00:47:53,230 are in control... of the C.L.I.T. 788 00:47:53,810 --> 00:47:55,270 We are the C.L.I.T. None of you are safe. 789 00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:57,730 Now tremble before my remorseless leader. 790 00:47:57,940 --> 00:48:00,280 I am the clit commander. 791 00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:01,450 Terrifying. 792 00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:03,110 Here to help us explain this footage... 793 00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:05,700 is Federal Wildlife Marshall Willenholly. 794 00:48:05,910 --> 00:48:07,370 Marshall, thanks for joining us. 795 00:48:07,540 --> 00:48:10,500 At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.I.T? 796 00:48:10,540 --> 00:48:13,500 From the intelligence we've been gathering, we've discovered... 797 00:48:13,620 --> 00:48:17,420 that the C.L.I.T. Is actually a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A. 798 00:48:17,630 --> 00:48:19,250 The Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement. 799 00:48:19,300 --> 00:48:20,920 Exactly. 800 00:48:21,050 --> 00:48:22,670 The two men that you saw in the video 801 00:48:22,880 --> 00:48:26,720 go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob. 802 00:48:26,760 --> 00:48:30,560 If anyone out there should come across them or any other Clitties... 803 00:48:30,720 --> 00:48:33,100 please exercise extreme caution. 804 00:48:33,310 --> 00:48:35,520 I told you that restraining order was a good idea. 805 00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:37,730 What response do you hope to elicit... 806 00:48:37,900 --> 00:48:40,360 by putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.I. T? 807 00:48:40,610 --> 00:48:41,780 It's a difficult situation. 808 00:48:41,980 --> 00:48:43,240 You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. The wrong way. 809 00:48:43,400 --> 00:48:47,160 Nights like this, I miss dating a lesbian. 810 00:48:48,070 --> 00:48:49,240 Is that your cell phone, sir? 811 00:48:49,410 --> 00:48:53,080 Blavsky, give me a frigging break. 812 00:48:53,240 --> 00:48:54,000 I'm on my way. 813 00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:55,420 We've got them. They're in Utah. 814 00:48:55,580 --> 00:49:00,210 Citizens of Utah, stimulation of the C.L.I.T. Is not recommended. 815 00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:02,050 Your plan worked. 816 00:49:02,210 --> 00:49:05,420 The news is all about Jay and Bob's Provasik break-in. 817 00:49:05,630 --> 00:49:07,220 With almost no mention of the diamond heist. 818 00:49:07,260 --> 00:49:08,840 I told you those two were the perfect patsies. 819 00:49:08,970 --> 00:49:10,050 Don't you have any regret? 820 00:49:10,260 --> 00:49:11,760 Jay and Bob don't deserve this. 821 00:49:11,970 --> 00:49:14,020 They were really sweet. 822 00:49:14,060 --> 00:49:16,020 The only thing I regret is not gutting that trout-mouthed prick... 823 00:49:16,180 --> 00:49:18,940 like a fish and playing twister with his vitals. 824 00:49:20,060 --> 00:49:21,060 I don't get you, Justice. 825 00:49:21,310 --> 00:49:23,480 You used to be all about this girl stuff. 826 00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:25,570 Stealing, boning, blowing shit up. 827 00:49:25,740 --> 00:49:27,610 Now you're this little priss with a conscience. 828 00:49:27,740 --> 00:49:29,150 It's really a drag. 829 00:49:29,200 --> 00:49:30,620 We all have to grow up sometime. 830 00:49:30,780 --> 00:49:33,490 If moping around over some boy you've got a crush on is growing up... 831 00:49:33,660 --> 00:49:36,330 then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos. 832 00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:38,580 Marvelous Pizza coming through. 833 00:49:38,750 --> 00:49:40,710 You the guys who ordered the pizza? 834 00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:42,380 This dopey bitch ordered a large plain, 835 00:49:42,540 --> 00:49:46,300 but I could go for some ht, thick Sicilian. 836 00:49:47,460 --> 00:49:48,840 No charge, lady. 837 00:49:49,010 --> 00:49:50,050 Hurry. 838 00:49:56,810 --> 00:49:58,100 I'm sorry, Jay. 839 00:50:02,060 --> 00:50:04,150 Justice died trying to save this monkey 840 00:50:04,310 --> 00:50:05,770 so maybe we should keep it around. 841 00:50:05,940 --> 00:50:06,900 They way... 842 00:50:07,110 --> 00:50:09,240 we could honor her memory. 843 00:50:11,900 --> 00:50:13,950 Now ain't you glad we came here to eat? 844 00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:17,160 And you were all scared we'd get busted by the cops or something. 845 00:50:17,700 --> 00:50:18,910 You know what I say? 846 00:50:19,120 --> 00:50:20,080 Fuck the Police. 847 00:50:20,290 --> 00:50:22,910 Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police! 848 00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:25,170 Yo, fuck-fuck the Police! 849 00:50:25,210 --> 00:50:26,710 Yo, fuck-fuck the Police! 850 00:50:26,790 --> 00:50:28,250 Yo, fuck me! 851 00:50:28,420 --> 00:50:30,800 This is the Utah State Police. 852 00:50:31,460 --> 00:50:33,590 Boys, we know you're in there. 853 00:50:33,760 --> 00:50:36,140 Come on out with your hands in the air 854 00:50:36,350 --> 00:50:39,220 and surrender the orangutan. 855 00:50:39,430 --> 00:50:41,390 Think they're talking about us? 856 00:50:47,860 --> 00:50:50,020 Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire. 857 00:50:50,730 --> 00:50:51,780 Who the hell are you? 858 00:50:52,030 --> 00:50:53,610 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 859 00:50:53,820 --> 00:50:54,860 Is the monkey in there? 860 00:50:55,110 --> 00:50:55,570 The ape. 861 00:50:55,780 --> 00:50:56,280 What? 862 00:50:56,450 --> 00:50:58,030 Orangutan is a member of the great ape family. 863 00:50:58,240 --> 00:50:58,950 It's not a monkey. 864 00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:01,040 Who's the Federal Wildlife Marshall here? 865 00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:02,370 Me or you? 866 00:51:02,540 --> 00:51:03,580 That's what thought. 867 00:51:03,620 --> 00:51:04,620 Can I use your- 868 00:51:07,750 --> 00:51:11,840 Jay and Silent Bob- Your C.L.I.T. Doesn't stand a chance. 869 00:51:11,880 --> 00:51:15,920 Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck. 870 00:51:16,090 --> 00:51:17,260 We are going to open fire. 871 00:51:19,850 --> 00:51:20,890 What are you waiting for? 872 00:51:21,060 --> 00:51:22,640 Get out there and give them the monkey. 873 00:51:25,100 --> 00:51:26,850 Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab? 874 00:51:26,890 --> 00:51:28,600 Maybe they experiment on them... 875 00:51:28,770 --> 00:51:30,730 by making them fuck a bunch of different good-looking monkeys? 876 00:51:30,940 --> 00:51:32,110 We don't know. 877 00:51:32,860 --> 00:51:34,070 You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp. 878 00:51:34,230 --> 00:51:37,700 Fuck, you're the guy who makes the blueprints. 879 00:51:37,900 --> 00:51:40,280 I don't have the fucking smarts of a little... 880 00:51:44,080 --> 00:51:45,660 kid. 881 00:51:45,830 --> 00:51:47,080 Do not shoot! 882 00:51:50,210 --> 00:51:53,500 We're just trying to take our son out of this hostile environment. 883 00:51:53,630 --> 00:51:55,000 Their son? 884 00:51:55,170 --> 00:51:56,670 Maybe they're one of those gay couples? 885 00:51:56,800 --> 00:51:58,720 Yeah, we're gay. 886 00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:00,550 And this is our adopted love child. 887 00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:02,180 We're not from around here. 888 00:52:02,760 --> 00:52:04,760 Don't makes us go back to our liberal city home... 889 00:52:05,010 --> 00:52:08,520 with tales of prejudice and bigotry from the heart of Utah. 890 00:52:08,680 --> 00:52:11,230 This is the last thing I need. 891 00:52:11,270 --> 00:52:13,690 Uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off to the... 892 00:52:13,860 --> 00:52:17,690 liberal media that the Federal Wildlife Office persecutes gays. 893 00:52:17,860 --> 00:52:19,940 Are you fucking crazy? They may be gay... 894 00:52:20,030 --> 00:52:22,070 but that's not their son- that's the ape! 895 00:52:22,240 --> 00:52:24,660 I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one. 896 00:52:24,870 --> 00:52:26,990 And the only thing I do recognize right now... 897 00:52:27,160 --> 00:52:30,410 is a political fiasco that I'm about to avoid... 898 00:52:30,580 --> 00:52:33,000 by letting this butt-fucking Brady bunch go. 899 00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:40,130 You are free to leave, sirs. 900 00:52:41,590 --> 00:52:43,010 Yes, you, sirs. 901 00:52:43,050 --> 00:52:44,430 So we can just go? 902 00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:45,260 Yes, sir. 903 00:52:45,430 --> 00:52:47,970 Please accept my apology for detaining you and your... 904 00:52:48,140 --> 00:52:51,680 unorthodox but constitutionally protected family unit. 905 00:52:52,480 --> 00:52:54,190 Un-fucking-believable. 906 00:52:54,350 --> 00:52:58,230 I might add, that is one fine looking young boy you're raising. 907 00:52:58,360 --> 00:53:00,030 That's because he's from my sperm. 908 00:53:00,740 --> 00:53:02,570 K knocked up this hot, woman friend of ours... 909 00:53:02,740 --> 00:53:05,200 who fuck on the side so as not to be all-the-way gay. 910 00:53:05,450 --> 00:53:08,570 But my tubby husband- He's one hundred percent queer. 911 00:53:08,740 --> 00:53:10,120 He loves the cock. 912 00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:13,080 He certainly looks insatiable. 913 00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:15,370 Bye-bye. 914 00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:24,340 It's not my way, but I'll be damned if that isn't one happy family. 915 00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:29,220 Alright, gang-let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner... 916 00:53:29,430 --> 00:53:31,930 and when the guys come out with the monkey- 917 00:53:32,100 --> 00:53:33,470 Fuck beans! 918 00:53:33,560 --> 00:53:34,850 That was them, wasn't it? 919 00:53:35,020 --> 00:53:36,980 I said you love the cock. 920 00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:40,190 I have to be the craftiest mother fucker alive. 921 00:53:43,650 --> 00:53:44,900 Flee, fat-ass, flee! 922 00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:55,870 Head for the sewer! 923 00:54:11,390 --> 00:54:12,510 You fat fuck! 924 00:54:13,430 --> 00:54:15,770 Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass. 925 00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:19,850 Suck it in. Think thin! 926 00:54:20,730 --> 00:54:22,110 One rectal breach coming up. 927 00:54:22,770 --> 00:54:24,440 Suck it in! 928 00:54:24,480 --> 00:54:26,110 Incoming! 929 00:54:35,740 --> 00:54:37,040 Just like Winnie the Pooh. 930 00:54:41,500 --> 00:54:45,250 That was an incredibly daring escape. 931 00:54:46,210 --> 00:54:47,590 Here's the deal. 932 00:54:47,750 --> 00:54:49,090 You and your men stay up here. 933 00:54:49,300 --> 00:54:51,970 When I corner him, I'll call for backup. 934 00:54:53,180 --> 00:54:55,220 I'm counting on you, Sheriff. 935 00:54:56,970 --> 00:54:58,140 You've taught me so much. 936 00:55:09,860 --> 00:55:11,990 Fuck this asshole. 937 00:55:12,150 --> 00:55:14,860 Let's go back to the station and cornhole us a drunk. 938 00:55:20,450 --> 00:55:23,290 Don't fuck your word... I swear to God. 939 00:55:25,250 --> 00:55:27,380 Put the monkey down and your hands up! 940 00:55:30,130 --> 00:55:31,760 Let's go, misters. 941 00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:33,380 You want to get shot? 942 00:55:33,590 --> 00:55:35,260 I didn't think so. 943 00:55:35,430 --> 00:55:38,260 She doesn't want to go back to the lab. 944 00:55:38,430 --> 00:55:40,970 And for the record... I ain't gay. 945 00:55:41,140 --> 00:55:43,480 And for the record, while we're on the subject... 946 00:55:43,640 --> 00:55:46,140 I knew that wasn't a real little boy. 947 00:55:46,940 --> 00:55:49,730 For one more record- he loves the cock. 948 00:55:50,570 --> 00:55:52,520 On your knees, Texas Pete. 949 00:55:52,730 --> 00:55:53,490 Let's go. 950 00:55:53,990 --> 00:55:56,240 You see- he's lining us up like fucking circus seals. 951 00:55:57,150 --> 00:55:57,990 I'm going first. 952 00:55:58,160 --> 00:56:00,280 I don't want a mouth full of monkey spit... 953 00:56:00,450 --> 00:56:01,790 if I gotta blow this G-man. 954 00:56:01,910 --> 00:56:03,040 What are you talking about? 955 00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:05,410 No one's gonna get blown here- 956 00:56:07,710 --> 00:56:10,250 Shit! 957 00:56:12,090 --> 00:56:14,920 These guys are good. Very good. 958 00:56:22,390 --> 00:56:24,220 Hey, law-dog. 959 00:56:26,850 --> 00:56:29,100 See you in Hell, cock-smoker. 960 00:56:30,190 --> 00:56:32,980 Oh, Fuck me. 961 00:56:57,670 --> 00:57:00,220 Get the fuck off her- that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey. 962 00:57:03,430 --> 00:57:06,430 Hey, that monkey don't belong to you. 963 00:57:13,980 --> 00:57:15,770 Who the fuck just steals a monkey? 964 00:57:18,440 --> 00:57:19,480 Oh, yeah. 965 00:57:19,650 --> 00:57:20,610 This blows. 966 00:57:20,780 --> 00:57:23,570 We have one more day to stop these fucks from shooting this movie. 967 00:57:23,740 --> 00:57:27,200 They took the one thing I had left from the one woman I loved enough... 968 00:57:27,330 --> 00:57:29,580 not to stick my hand down her pants. 969 00:57:31,950 --> 00:57:32,960 Go after the monkey? 970 00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:34,620 How do we know where that car is going? 971 00:57:38,040 --> 00:57:40,210 Don't just point. 972 00:57:42,590 --> 00:57:43,510 What, you gotta take a shit? 973 00:57:45,090 --> 00:57:46,220 No, you gotta take a salad. 974 00:57:47,800 --> 00:57:49,140 What the fuck are you trying to say? 975 00:57:49,510 --> 00:57:50,430 Say it! 976 00:57:50,470 --> 00:57:51,350 Don't make me ask twenty questions. 977 00:57:51,510 --> 00:57:54,520 You could always tell that stupid Amy story all the time... 978 00:57:54,560 --> 00:57:57,520 but you can't spit out "Jay, I disagree," or... 979 00:57:57,650 --> 00:57:59,770 "those are some good cheese fries". 980 00:58:01,900 --> 00:58:03,610 Just fucking say it! 981 00:58:05,320 --> 00:58:07,990 The sign on the back of the car... 982 00:58:08,200 --> 00:58:10,830 said "Critters of Hollywood"... 983 00:58:11,330 --> 00:58:12,910 you dumb fuck! 984 00:58:18,670 --> 00:58:19,960 Say it, don't spray it. 985 00:58:22,840 --> 00:58:26,590 And might I add, that is one fine-looking boy you are raising. 986 00:58:33,430 --> 00:58:35,970 If it isn't the wildlife expert. 987 00:58:36,640 --> 00:58:38,440 Your office faxed this over. 988 00:58:39,100 --> 00:58:41,400 The guy said it was a post from an internet chat board... 989 00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:43,730 signed by a Jay & Silent Bob. 990 00:58:46,740 --> 00:58:49,110 "All you mother fuckers are gonna pay." 991 00:58:49,320 --> 00:58:51,950 "You are the ones who are ball lickers" 992 00:58:52,120 --> 00:58:53,870 "We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry..." 993 00:58:54,030 --> 00:58:58,450 "like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we're-" 994 00:58:59,080 --> 00:59:00,460 They're going to Hollywood. 995 00:59:24,520 --> 00:59:25,440 It's not like cheating. 996 00:59:25,610 --> 00:59:27,150 Justice blew up. 997 00:59:28,150 --> 00:59:29,230 Here's the plan. 998 00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:31,570 First we find out where they're shooting this movie. 999 00:59:31,740 --> 00:59:35,240 And after we bust that shit up, we can start looking for the monkey. 1000 00:59:35,450 --> 00:59:36,620 But before we do any of that, 1001 00:59:36,780 --> 00:59:38,700 we gotta find a mother fucker in the know. 1002 00:59:38,870 --> 00:59:40,160 Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood. 1003 00:59:40,330 --> 00:59:41,710 Crack. Want some crack. 1004 00:59:42,830 --> 00:59:43,920 Get you high. 1005 00:59:44,080 --> 00:59:45,830 No, but do you want some weed? 1006 00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:48,250 Are you on the job? 1007 00:59:48,420 --> 00:59:51,130 Yeah. Jersey local 404. 1008 00:59:52,920 --> 00:59:55,510 Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305. 1009 00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:58,100 - What up? 1010 00:59:59,140 --> 01:00:00,680 - Man, it's a small world. 1011 01:00:00,850 --> 01:00:02,020 Let me ask you a question. 1012 01:00:02,180 --> 01:00:04,350 You dudes getting medical out there in Jersey? 1013 01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:07,100 No. We might have to strike in September. 1014 01:00:07,270 --> 01:00:10,190 Norma Rae like a mother fucker. 1015 01:00:10,360 --> 01:00:11,230 Maybe you can help us out? 1016 01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:13,230 You know where they're shooting a movie around here? 1017 01:00:13,400 --> 01:00:15,280 You ask me a question like that in Holly-weird? 1018 01:00:15,450 --> 01:00:18,280 You got to come a little more specific than that. 1019 01:00:18,450 --> 01:00:19,320 It's a Miramax flick. 1020 01:00:19,490 --> 01:00:20,490 We gotta bust it up... 1021 01:00:20,700 --> 01:00:22,450 so people stop calling us names on the internet... 1022 01:00:22,660 --> 01:00:24,040 even though they're not really talking about us... 1023 01:00:24,250 --> 01:00:27,000 but characters based on us, and at the same time... 1024 01:00:27,170 --> 01:00:30,420 find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed in a car explosion, monkey. 1025 01:00:31,500 --> 01:00:34,970 Man, I don't know what the fuck you just said, little kid... 1026 01:00:35,130 --> 01:00:37,220 but you're special. 1027 01:00:37,380 --> 01:00:38,590 You reached out... 1028 01:00:38,760 --> 01:00:41,220 and you touched a brother's gear. 1029 01:00:41,930 --> 01:00:43,140 I'm gonna give you some directions. 1030 01:00:43,310 --> 01:00:44,220 Give me the map, Scott. 1031 01:00:44,850 --> 01:00:45,980 Give me the map, Scott! 1032 01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:47,690 You know where Miramax is? 1033 01:00:48,390 --> 01:00:52,520 Miramax accounts for 78% of my business out here. 1034 01:00:55,940 --> 01:00:58,070 Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob? 1035 01:00:58,200 --> 01:01:00,990 A source at a Federal Wildlife Marshall's office tells us... 1036 01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:04,120 that a posting was pulled off an internet movie chat board... 1037 01:01:04,240 --> 01:01:07,790 allegedly written by the two domestic terrorists themselves. 1038 01:01:07,960 --> 01:01:10,370 It's sending a shock-wave through Hollywood. 1039 01:01:10,420 --> 01:01:12,710 Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios. Jules- 1040 01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:16,590 Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is one of terror today... 1041 01:01:16,710 --> 01:01:19,380 after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's Office has learned that... 1042 01:01:19,550 --> 01:01:23,090 hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob have targeted Miramax studios... 1043 01:01:23,260 --> 01:01:27,100 for their next campaign of blood, violence and monkey theft. 1044 01:01:27,310 --> 01:01:30,310 In a posting pulled off of Movie Poop-Shoot. Com... 1045 01:01:31,180 --> 01:01:33,020 the gruesome two-some threatened, and I quote... 1046 01:01:33,230 --> 01:01:37,280 "Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax expletive deleted..." 1047 01:01:37,480 --> 01:01:39,490 "who are making the Bluntman & Chronic movie..." 1048 01:01:39,610 --> 01:01:42,240 "we're gonna make them eat our expletive deleted..." 1049 01:01:45,030 --> 01:01:48,120 "then eat their expletive deleted which is made up of..." 1050 01:01:48,290 --> 01:01:51,870 "our expletive deleted that we made them eat." Unquote. 1051 01:01:52,080 --> 01:01:54,080 So far we've been unable to get a statement... 1052 01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:55,750 from anyone here at the Studio. 1053 01:01:55,920 --> 01:01:58,710 But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob? 1054 01:01:58,920 --> 01:01:59,960 None whatsoever. 1055 01:02:00,170 --> 01:02:02,430 But to be fair, no one is a hundred percent sure... 1056 01:02:02,470 --> 01:02:04,630 what Jay and Silent Bob exactly look like... 1057 01:02:04,760 --> 01:02:07,050 so for all we know they could already be on the lot. 1058 01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:32,000 OK, he's got a pass. Let him in. 1059 01:02:33,540 --> 01:02:36,500 We gotta play this just right. 1060 01:02:47,220 --> 01:02:49,140 You don't have a pass! 1061 01:03:10,200 --> 01:03:12,030 I hate how fake Hollywood is. 1062 01:03:12,700 --> 01:03:14,990 Where do you think you're going? 1063 01:03:18,750 --> 01:03:22,000 Echo base, I've got a 1007- Two unauthorized on the lot. 1064 01:03:22,170 --> 01:03:23,420 Requesting back-up. 1065 01:03:23,590 --> 01:03:25,090 I thought that was a 1082. 1066 01:03:25,250 --> 01:03:27,340 No, sir, a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker... 1067 01:03:27,510 --> 01:03:29,090 from Ben Affleck's trailer. 1068 01:03:29,220 --> 01:03:30,220 Oh, that Affleck. 1069 01:03:30,390 --> 01:03:31,590 Back-up on the way. 1070 01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:32,850 I'll make you a deal. 1071 01:03:33,010 --> 01:03:35,520 This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go. 1072 01:03:35,680 --> 01:03:37,020 Contrary to what you believe... 1073 01:03:37,180 --> 01:03:40,060 not everyone in the industry is a homosexual. 1074 01:03:40,270 --> 01:03:42,690 How about this deal? 1075 01:03:42,730 --> 01:03:45,110 He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk-off? 1076 01:03:47,190 --> 01:03:47,980 Alright. 1077 01:03:50,030 --> 01:03:52,200 Make it fast-and sexy. 1078 01:03:53,070 --> 01:03:54,120 It's either this or jail. 1079 01:03:54,780 --> 01:03:56,370 And you know what they do to you in jail. 1080 01:03:57,160 --> 01:03:58,160 I was a guard. 1081 01:04:02,460 --> 01:04:06,130 And after it's all over you say, "Ooh, what a lovely tea party." 1082 01:04:17,350 --> 01:04:18,890 What the fuck you waiting for, bitch? 1083 01:04:19,100 --> 01:04:20,470 Start sucking. 1084 01:04:32,030 --> 01:04:32,820 Worth a shot. 1085 01:04:34,030 --> 01:04:35,990 Like a shot in the fucking mouth, you gay bitch. 1086 01:04:37,110 --> 01:04:39,450 Dude, you were gonna really suck my dick. 1087 01:04:45,080 --> 01:04:46,460 Remember what I said. 1088 01:04:46,670 --> 01:04:51,550 Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes or you will be fired. 1089 01:04:51,710 --> 01:04:53,590 Does everybody understand that? 1090 01:04:53,760 --> 01:04:55,050 Thank you. 1091 01:04:58,390 --> 01:05:00,300 You frosted your hair. 1092 01:05:01,890 --> 01:05:04,100 Yeah, I frosted my hair, but it looks good. 1093 01:05:05,020 --> 01:05:07,600 This has got to be the Bluntman flick. 1094 01:05:07,650 --> 01:05:09,860 There are those two fucks from the Mork movie. 1095 01:05:09,900 --> 01:05:12,020 Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face? 1096 01:05:12,230 --> 01:05:17,030 Lion face! Lemon face! 1097 01:05:17,200 --> 01:05:18,240 Break it down. 1098 01:05:18,450 --> 01:05:20,160 Where we taking it from, Gus? 1099 01:05:23,200 --> 01:05:24,160 I'm busy. 1100 01:05:24,370 --> 01:05:25,750 You're a true artist, Gus. 1101 01:05:25,870 --> 01:05:26,960 Let's just take it from "it's a good course". 1102 01:05:27,000 --> 01:05:28,040 You're the director now? 1103 01:05:28,210 --> 01:05:29,080 Shove it, "Bounce"-boy. 1104 01:05:29,250 --> 01:05:30,040 Let's remember who talked who... 1105 01:05:30,210 --> 01:05:32,000 into doing this shit in the first place 1106 01:05:32,130 --> 01:05:33,670 Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing, but-. 1107 01:05:33,840 --> 01:05:37,590 I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever gay serial killers... 1108 01:05:37,760 --> 01:05:39,760 who ride horses and like to play golf 1109 01:05:39,970 --> 01:05:41,640 touchy-feely picture you're gonna do this week. 1110 01:05:41,760 --> 01:05:43,810 I take it you haven't seen "Forces Of Nature". 1111 01:05:43,970 --> 01:05:44,640 You're like a child. 1112 01:05:44,810 --> 01:05:45,680 What do I keep telling you? 1113 01:05:45,850 --> 01:05:48,390 You gotta do the safe picture- then you do the art picture. 1114 01:05:48,560 --> 01:05:50,190 And then sometimes you have to do the payback picture... 1115 01:05:50,350 --> 01:05:52,350 because your friend says you owe him. 1116 01:05:54,480 --> 01:05:56,150 Then sometimes you have to go back to the well. 1117 01:05:56,190 --> 01:05:57,820 And then sometimes you do "Reindeer Games." 1118 01:05:58,070 --> 01:05:58,990 That's just mean. 1119 01:05:59,240 --> 01:06:03,110 All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to them. 1120 01:06:04,950 --> 01:06:07,040 Get over here. 1121 01:06:07,120 --> 01:06:09,160 You stand here, your buddy's right here. 1122 01:06:09,330 --> 01:06:10,830 Just stand here and react. 1123 01:06:11,000 --> 01:06:13,460 Don't say anything. Especially you. 1124 01:06:15,000 --> 01:06:16,960 That's pretty funny. 1125 01:06:17,090 --> 01:06:19,300 Lock it up, people, we're going for picture. 1126 01:06:20,090 --> 01:06:21,300 Make it happen, guys. 1127 01:06:21,470 --> 01:06:22,670 - Get you fucking hands off me. 1128 01:06:22,840 --> 01:06:24,010 - Fuck off! 1129 01:06:25,100 --> 01:06:27,060 On the count of three, we rush these fucks and... 1130 01:06:27,100 --> 01:06:28,640 beat the shit out of them, because if they're all fucked up... 1131 01:06:28,680 --> 01:06:30,180 they can't make that movie. 1132 01:06:31,560 --> 01:06:35,810 Ready? One... two... three! 1133 01:06:35,980 --> 01:06:39,480 "Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season." Scene 16 Take 5. 1134 01:06:43,280 --> 01:06:45,200 Think about the paycheck. OK. 1135 01:06:52,160 --> 01:06:53,370 Action, Gus? 1136 01:06:53,500 --> 01:06:55,000 Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy. 1137 01:06:59,090 --> 01:07:01,550 I do remember the class. 1138 01:07:01,630 --> 01:07:04,010 But elementary. 1139 01:07:04,170 --> 01:07:05,800 I remember that class. 1140 01:07:05,970 --> 01:07:08,600 It was just between recess and lunch. 1141 01:07:08,760 --> 01:07:11,100 Are we gonna have a problem- again? 1142 01:07:11,220 --> 01:07:14,940 I was still just hoping you might be able to give me a little insight... 1143 01:07:15,100 --> 01:07:17,270 into the Southern Colonies. 1144 01:07:18,100 --> 01:07:19,650 Wood says... 1145 01:07:19,810 --> 01:07:21,320 What did I say? 1146 01:07:21,520 --> 01:07:23,690 You'd be back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood. 1147 01:07:23,860 --> 01:07:25,780 But you forget about Vickers. 1148 01:07:25,820 --> 01:07:27,610 No, I just read Vickers. 1149 01:07:27,820 --> 01:07:29,200 So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth". 1150 01:07:29,370 --> 01:07:33,540 But you're no longer the angry, brilliant, young mind you once were... 1151 01:07:33,740 --> 01:07:37,580 just itching to vent your frustrations. 1152 01:07:37,750 --> 01:07:40,040 You stopped hitting the books with a vengeance... 1153 01:07:40,250 --> 01:07:45,420 and now I've read shit you haven't even heard about yet. 1154 01:07:45,590 --> 01:07:46,840 Face facts, my friend. 1155 01:07:47,010 --> 01:07:49,180 You're just no longer that good... 1156 01:07:49,340 --> 01:07:50,430 Will Hunting. 1157 01:07:55,180 --> 01:07:59,390 Now how do you like them apples? 1158 01:08:01,730 --> 01:08:04,020 I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. 1159 01:08:04,230 --> 01:08:05,690 What're we gonna do? 1160 01:08:05,860 --> 01:08:06,480 - Chuckie- 1161 01:08:06,690 --> 01:08:07,860 - Yeah? 1162 01:08:08,070 --> 01:08:09,950 Chuckie- it's hunting season. 1163 01:08:14,990 --> 01:08:16,370 Apple sauce, bitch. 1164 01:08:19,290 --> 01:08:22,420 Sorry to interrupt, but we've got a 1007 on our hands. 1165 01:08:22,580 --> 01:08:24,130 Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben? 1166 01:08:24,250 --> 01:08:25,460 Bullshit! 1167 01:08:25,630 --> 01:08:27,630 Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. 1168 01:08:28,800 --> 01:08:29,630 There they are! 1169 01:08:30,420 --> 01:08:32,590 Affleck, you were the bomb in "Phantoms". 1170 01:09:15,090 --> 01:09:17,180 Alright, you bastard, let's see who you really are. 1171 01:09:21,970 --> 01:09:24,060 Fucking Miramax! Cut! 1172 01:09:27,020 --> 01:09:28,310 Shannen, usually I say "Cut". 1173 01:09:28,480 --> 01:09:29,900 A monkey, Wes? 1174 01:09:30,070 --> 01:09:32,190 You guys aren't even trying anymore. 1175 01:09:34,030 --> 01:09:36,030 The market research says people love monkeys. 1176 01:09:39,410 --> 01:09:40,830 We love this monkey. 1177 01:09:42,990 --> 01:09:44,370 See. 1178 01:09:44,500 --> 01:09:46,000 Here they are. 1179 01:10:04,680 --> 01:10:06,350 Punch it! 1180 01:10:10,060 --> 01:10:11,190 Fuck! 1181 01:10:18,320 --> 01:10:20,200 Those are some magical guys. 1182 01:10:34,920 --> 01:10:37,920 Dude, I fucking knew it. 1183 01:10:38,590 --> 01:10:40,930 You love that shit, don't you? 1184 01:10:44,140 --> 01:10:46,010 Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt. 1185 01:10:46,180 --> 01:10:48,100 Are you guys alright? 1186 01:10:49,020 --> 01:10:50,600 Let's get you guys on your feet. 1187 01:11:01,990 --> 01:11:04,860 Wait a second- aren't you the guy that fucked the pie? 1188 01:11:05,740 --> 01:11:07,740 You see, man - you see! 1189 01:11:07,870 --> 01:11:11,000 It's never, "Hey, you were in Loser, weren't you?" 1190 01:11:11,120 --> 01:11:13,960 Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls" 1191 01:11:14,000 --> 01:11:16,670 It always comes back to that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it. 1192 01:11:16,830 --> 01:11:18,590 - You put your dick in a pie. - Enough! 1193 01:11:19,710 --> 01:11:20,760 I'm Jason Biggs. 1194 01:11:20,920 --> 01:11:24,220 Did you really get to 3rd base with that Russian chick like in the movie? 1195 01:11:24,430 --> 01:11:26,890 You mean Shannon? 1196 01:11:27,100 --> 01:11:27,890 No. 1197 01:11:28,100 --> 01:11:29,430 She is fucking fine. 1198 01:11:29,640 --> 01:11:31,720 If I was you, I would've been like- 1199 01:11:37,020 --> 01:11:39,150 You like that? 1200 01:11:39,320 --> 01:11:41,650 What, you never did one of these? 1201 01:11:47,240 --> 01:11:49,200 I've done plenty of that, my friend. 1202 01:11:49,410 --> 01:11:51,660 Holy shit, you're the Dawson. 1203 01:11:51,830 --> 01:11:53,500 James- James Van Der Beek. 1204 01:11:53,700 --> 01:11:55,830 What's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you? 1205 01:11:55,960 --> 01:11:58,080 If I was you, I would have drowned his ass in the creek. 1206 01:11:58,250 --> 01:12:02,420 Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine. 1207 01:12:02,630 --> 01:12:04,630 Ever get to 3rd base with her? 1208 01:12:04,840 --> 01:12:07,970 There was this one time- Wait a minute, who are you guys? 1209 01:12:09,050 --> 01:12:11,470 They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass. 1210 01:12:11,970 --> 01:12:13,020 - Right? 1211 01:12:13,180 --> 01:12:14,980 - Of course. 1212 01:12:15,810 --> 01:12:17,310 Stunt doubles for what? 1213 01:12:17,480 --> 01:12:19,560 For the move that we're shooting in about fifteen minutes. 1214 01:12:19,770 --> 01:12:21,480 Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back. 1215 01:12:21,650 --> 01:12:23,980 You're doubling me, obviously, 1216 01:12:24,150 --> 01:12:27,030 I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill 1217 01:12:27,150 --> 01:12:28,570 - Bob. - Right. 1218 01:12:28,740 --> 01:12:30,990 And he's playing Chronic. 1219 01:12:31,200 --> 01:12:32,740 A.K.A. Ray. 1220 01:12:32,910 --> 01:12:33,990 Jay. Fuck! 1221 01:12:34,240 --> 01:12:35,830 Biggs, did you even read the script? 1222 01:12:36,040 --> 01:12:36,700 There's a script? 1223 01:12:36,910 --> 01:12:38,250 Hey, pie-fucker, 1224 01:12:38,460 --> 01:12:41,370 you would only last a day on "The Creek". 1225 01:12:41,580 --> 01:12:43,460 Wait second, we'll be right back. 1226 01:12:43,670 --> 01:12:45,000 Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack". 1227 01:12:45,170 --> 01:12:46,880 Go to hell, Pacey. 1228 01:12:49,470 --> 01:12:50,630 These are the fucks that are playing us 1229 01:12:50,800 --> 01:12:53,930 You take 'em out, bam!, no movie. 1230 01:12:55,180 --> 01:12:57,430 Useless little ape. 1231 01:12:57,600 --> 01:13:00,680 What's with the weird, gay huddle going on over there? 1232 01:13:00,850 --> 01:13:02,060 Let me put my arm over yours. 1233 01:13:02,230 --> 01:13:03,270 What's gay about it? 1234 01:13:03,480 --> 01:13:04,560 It's two guys talking in a corner. 1235 01:13:04,690 --> 01:13:07,860 Why are you such a homophobe? 1236 01:13:08,070 --> 01:13:10,530 You're always like "That's gay," or "Look at that gay huddle..." 1237 01:13:10,780 --> 01:13:11,910 "look at that gay dog." 1238 01:13:12,070 --> 01:13:12,950 Dude, that is so gay- 1239 01:13:13,070 --> 01:13:14,370 Yeah, see. 1240 01:13:14,620 --> 01:13:17,240 - I love gay people. 1241 01:13:17,410 --> 01:13:18,080 - I'm sure you do. 1242 01:13:18,200 --> 01:13:20,290 Look at the monkey. 1243 01:13:20,450 --> 01:13:22,290 Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay. 1244 01:13:22,410 --> 01:13:24,750 How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole? 1245 01:13:24,790 --> 01:13:27,090 He's so cute. 1246 01:13:29,300 --> 01:13:32,130 You go in there and start swinging, don't stop until these young... 1247 01:13:32,300 --> 01:13:33,720 Hollywood fucks are out of commission. 1248 01:13:33,760 --> 01:13:35,050 Ready? Break! 1249 01:13:42,390 --> 01:13:44,270 That's one funky monkey. 1250 01:13:46,900 --> 01:13:49,230 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, this is Security. 1251 01:13:49,320 --> 01:13:51,570 There are two intruders on the lot. 1252 01:13:51,730 --> 01:13:53,820 They crashed through a window we believe might be yours. 1253 01:13:55,150 --> 01:13:57,110 Yeah, they're in here. 1254 01:13:57,740 --> 01:13:59,160 Do they have you held hostage? 1255 01:13:59,200 --> 01:14:00,620 Should we call your publicist? 1256 01:14:00,830 --> 01:14:01,410 No. 1257 01:14:01,580 --> 01:14:04,200 We kicked those guys assess bad. 1258 01:14:04,370 --> 01:14:06,410 Real bad. 1259 01:14:06,580 --> 01:14:08,210 Great job, sirs. 1260 01:14:08,330 --> 01:14:10,210 If you'll let us in, we'll take over from here. 1261 01:14:10,340 --> 01:14:13,670 No, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here. 1262 01:14:13,880 --> 01:14:15,550 Butt-naked. Together. 1263 01:14:16,050 --> 01:14:21,930 Okay. Well, we'll wait out here until you clean up. 1264 01:14:32,440 --> 01:14:34,980 How are we gonna get out without them seeing us? 1265 01:14:40,990 --> 01:14:41,870 You've got the wrong guys. 1266 01:14:42,030 --> 01:14:43,910 Doesn't anybody watch the WB? 1267 01:14:44,080 --> 01:14:45,700 I'm a teen idol, dammit! 1268 01:14:45,830 --> 01:14:46,950 Don't you recognize me? 1269 01:14:47,160 --> 01:14:48,620 Look at me. 1270 01:14:48,660 --> 01:14:50,080 I'm the pie-fucker! 1271 01:14:52,000 --> 01:14:55,000 In prison, he'll be the pie. 1272 01:14:57,670 --> 01:14:58,970 This was a good idea, lunch-box. 1273 01:14:59,170 --> 01:15:00,550 In these outfits... 1274 01:15:00,590 --> 01:15:01,930 we're totally incognito. 1275 01:15:02,090 --> 01:15:03,640 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek- 1276 01:15:04,970 --> 01:15:06,600 Great, you've changed costumes already. 1277 01:15:06,720 --> 01:15:07,730 Let's get you to the set. 1278 01:15:07,890 --> 01:15:09,270 The director doesn't like to be kept waiting. 1279 01:15:12,810 --> 01:15:14,060 Look at all these crackers. 1280 01:15:14,230 --> 01:15:17,070 70 million dollars and I can't even get a black grip. 1281 01:15:17,190 --> 01:15:19,110 It's a shame. It's a damn shame! 1282 01:15:19,320 --> 01:15:20,860 Here's your coffee, sir. 1283 01:15:21,450 --> 01:15:23,200 - You spit in this? - I didn't spit in it. 1284 01:15:23,360 --> 01:15:24,660 Any boogers in it? 1285 01:15:24,870 --> 01:15:26,080 There's no boogers in it, sir. 1286 01:15:26,160 --> 01:15:27,370 You went to film school, didn't you? 1287 01:15:27,490 --> 01:15:30,750 Must piss you off to see a black man run a big production like this. 1288 01:15:31,660 --> 01:15:33,460 Go to the school. 1289 01:15:33,670 --> 01:15:36,960 Does your daddy know that you give a nigger his coffee? 1290 01:15:37,130 --> 01:15:38,670 It would kill him, wouldn't it? 1291 01:15:39,510 --> 01:15:41,170 - There's no boogers in it, sir. - Ten taste it! 1292 01:15:42,010 --> 01:15:44,340 Taste the booger flavor. 1293 01:15:44,510 --> 01:15:45,760 I know it's in there. 1294 01:15:46,970 --> 01:15:47,680 It's all good, sir. 1295 01:15:47,850 --> 01:15:48,930 No it ain't all good. 1296 01:15:49,010 --> 01:15:50,060 Clean that shit up. 1297 01:15:50,260 --> 01:15:51,520 Get me a white boy. 1298 01:15:51,680 --> 01:15:55,310 Get me a blond haired, white boy so I can enjoy that shit. 1299 01:15:55,560 --> 01:15:55,980 - You're the man, sir. 1300 01:15:56,190 --> 01:15:58,190 - No, you're the man and that's the problem. 1301 01:15:59,110 --> 01:16:01,530 Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of Bluntman & Chronic. 1302 01:16:01,610 --> 01:16:03,990 We met a few weeks back. 1303 01:16:04,190 --> 01:16:05,530 I'm the executive Producer. 1304 01:16:05,700 --> 01:16:07,990 Oh, you're the Executive Producer. 1305 01:16:08,160 --> 01:16:11,040 Why don't you executive produce me a latte- de-crackernated. 1306 01:16:11,240 --> 01:16:12,330 Okay, Fuck it? 1307 01:16:12,450 --> 01:16:13,000 - It's Banky. 1308 01:16:13,200 --> 01:16:14,620 No, its' Fuck it! 1309 01:16:14,790 --> 01:16:17,000 I just want you to know that I respect your work as an artist. 1310 01:16:17,170 --> 01:16:18,670 I 'm something of an artist myself. 1311 01:16:18,840 --> 01:16:20,420 I was the inker on the comic book. 1312 01:16:20,630 --> 01:16:22,210 You're a tracer, okay? 1313 01:16:22,380 --> 01:16:23,880 Nobody got the heart to tell you. 1314 01:16:24,050 --> 01:16:24,380 You trace. 1315 01:16:24,550 --> 01:16:25,130 You go around the lines. 1316 01:16:25,300 --> 01:16:26,880 You are a tracer! 1317 01:16:26,930 --> 01:16:28,390 You think Fat Alber had a tracer? 1318 01:16:28,590 --> 01:16:29,050 No. 1319 01:16:29,260 --> 01:16:30,850 Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller. 1320 01:16:31,060 --> 01:16:32,180 And it was excellent. 1321 01:16:34,600 --> 01:16:37,020 Crack, crack, cracker? 1322 01:16:37,230 --> 01:16:38,730 Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka. 1323 01:16:38,770 --> 01:16:40,230 I don't see them! 1324 01:16:40,440 --> 01:16:42,520 Where are the stars of this piece of shit? 1325 01:16:59,080 --> 01:17:01,830 Damn, this must've set them back a couple hundred bucks. 1326 01:17:05,710 --> 01:17:06,130 Look at this. 1327 01:17:06,380 --> 01:17:09,220 A gay hood ornament and the color purple. 1328 01:17:09,380 --> 01:17:10,260 Who the fuck are you? 1329 01:17:10,430 --> 01:17:11,050 Who the fuck am I? 1330 01:17:11,220 --> 01:17:12,800 I'm the director, Chaka Luther King. 1331 01:17:12,930 --> 01:17:13,930 That's who the fuck I am. 1332 01:17:13,970 --> 01:17:14,930 Wait a second. 1333 01:17:15,100 --> 01:17:16,640 I though Banky and Holden created this shit. 1334 01:17:16,680 --> 01:17:18,180 And I 'm stealing it. 1335 01:17:18,350 --> 01:17:20,100 I'm taking it back for the black man... 1336 01:17:20,230 --> 01:17:23,600 to make up for all the shit you mother fuckers have taken from us. 1337 01:17:23,770 --> 01:17:26,110 Do you know that I came up for the idea for "Sesame Street"? 1338 01:17:26,320 --> 01:17:27,940 I came up with it before PBS. 1339 01:17:28,110 --> 01:17:29,240 The white man stole it. 1340 01:17:29,440 --> 01:17:32,530 I was gonna call it NWP- Niggers With Puppets. 1341 01:17:32,570 --> 01:17:35,580 Catchy, ain't it? 1342 01:17:35,740 --> 01:17:36,990 Enough of this small talk. 1343 01:17:37,160 --> 01:17:38,040 Let's shoot. 1344 01:17:38,870 --> 01:17:39,950 Aren't you gonna direct us? 1345 01:17:40,120 --> 01:17:42,160 I will start directing you to the unemployment line... 1346 01:17:42,210 --> 01:17:44,170 if you don't stop back-talking me, cracker. 1347 01:17:44,880 --> 01:17:45,830 We don't know what we're doing. 1348 01:17:46,040 --> 01:17:46,840 We didn't read the script. 1349 01:17:47,040 --> 01:17:47,670 It ain't hard. 1350 01:17:47,840 --> 01:17:49,630 I film the mother fucker. 1351 01:17:49,800 --> 01:17:50,920 Then I yell "Cut!" 1352 01:17:51,090 --> 01:17:53,470 And run the fuck out of here and go to my trailer... 1353 01:17:53,630 --> 01:17:57,510 cause I got more white girls there than the first lifeboat on the Titanic. 1354 01:17:57,640 --> 01:17:59,260 And they all want a party in my movie, 1355 01:17:59,430 --> 01:18:01,180 and I got just the part for me. 1356 01:18:01,350 --> 01:18:02,310 So are you ready to do this? 1357 01:18:02,480 --> 01:18:04,100 Let's roll with the new. 1358 01:18:05,810 --> 01:18:07,980 Quiet on the set, everyone. 1359 01:18:09,030 --> 01:18:10,940 I got your new coffee sir, booger-free. 1360 01:18:13,700 --> 01:18:15,450 You guys look pretty bad-ass. 1361 01:18:16,320 --> 01:18:18,950 "Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back", scene 37, take 1. 1362 01:18:25,080 --> 01:18:25,920 What're you waiting for? 1363 01:18:26,080 --> 01:18:27,330 Action! 1364 01:18:32,010 --> 01:18:35,550 Um... snoochy-boochies. 1365 01:18:39,300 --> 01:18:41,180 What the fuck? 1366 01:18:50,150 --> 01:18:53,570 You thought I'd never find your precious Bluntcave... 1367 01:18:53,770 --> 01:18:55,900 did you, Hemp Knight? 1368 01:18:56,030 --> 01:19:00,410 But now, you and your sidekick... 1369 01:19:00,450 --> 01:19:04,790 are finally in the grasp of Cock-Knocker! 1370 01:19:08,580 --> 01:19:11,000 Why do they call you Cock-Knocker? 1371 01:19:11,170 --> 01:19:13,000 Actually, there's a funny story behind that. 1372 01:19:14,050 --> 01:19:14,500 You're gonna love it. 1373 01:19:14,750 --> 01:19:15,880 True story. 1374 01:19:18,630 --> 01:19:21,970 Avenge me... Hemp-Knight. 1375 01:19:28,100 --> 01:19:30,600 I think George Lucas is gonna sue somebody. 1376 01:19:32,020 --> 01:19:36,690 Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman? 1377 01:20:23,150 --> 01:20:24,320 Duck, pie-fucker. 1378 01:20:26,740 --> 01:20:28,120 Damn, these white boys can't fight. 1379 01:20:30,240 --> 01:20:32,160 Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son. 1380 01:20:37,750 --> 01:20:39,130 Yo! Bitch-fists! 1381 01:20:42,840 --> 01:20:46,220 Call me Darth-balls. 1382 01:20:47,260 --> 01:20:48,550 Good Lord. 1383 01:20:53,100 --> 01:20:54,350 That wasn't in the script. 1384 01:21:23,170 --> 01:21:24,170 So this is Hollywood? 1385 01:21:25,380 --> 01:21:29,340 Then lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob. 1386 01:21:32,680 --> 01:21:34,770 Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches! 1387 01:21:36,100 --> 01:21:39,650 ...My God... 1388 01:21:45,030 --> 01:21:46,320 Sorry, everyone. 1389 01:21:46,480 --> 01:21:47,820 That was supposed to be a warning shot. 1390 01:21:48,030 --> 01:21:50,070 I'm obviously on the wrong set. 1391 01:21:51,030 --> 01:21:52,610 Is he gonna be okay? 1392 01:21:54,490 --> 01:21:55,240 Not good. 1393 01:22:01,670 --> 01:22:04,170 You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek. 1394 01:22:12,720 --> 01:22:14,930 This movie's gonna make "House Party" look like "House Party 2". 1395 01:22:15,010 --> 01:22:17,180 - Or "House Party 3". 1396 01:22:17,310 --> 01:22:18,350 - Shut the fuck up. - Yes, sir. 1397 01:22:19,810 --> 01:22:22,690 Chaka, call off Dawson, will you? 1398 01:22:27,440 --> 01:22:29,360 Can I get a "cut!" here? 1399 01:22:35,030 --> 01:22:36,160 Not again. 1400 01:22:38,160 --> 01:22:40,290 Now who's balls have been busted, bitch 1401 01:22:41,160 --> 01:22:42,200 That's it! I'm out of here. 1402 01:22:42,330 --> 01:22:43,750 Chaka, I'll be in my trailer. 1403 01:22:45,620 --> 01:22:46,540 What the fuck? 1404 01:22:46,710 --> 01:22:48,840 The C.L.I.T. Stops here, Jay and Silent Bob. 1405 01:22:48,880 --> 01:22:50,960 Another white boy in this movie? Damn! 1406 01:22:52,130 --> 01:22:53,680 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 1407 01:22:53,720 --> 01:22:55,340 Everyone stay cool. 1408 01:22:55,430 --> 01:22:57,260 Go back to making your adult movie. 1409 01:22:57,300 --> 01:22:59,100 These men are the leaders of a terrorist organization... 1410 01:22:59,260 --> 01:23:01,310 wanted for the abduction of a little monkey. 1411 01:23:01,470 --> 01:23:03,100 They didn't really steal that monkey. 1412 01:23:03,230 --> 01:23:06,350 It was just a diversion so that we could steal these. 1413 01:23:06,520 --> 01:23:07,810 And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. 1414 01:23:08,020 --> 01:23:09,400 The C.L.I.T. Is not real. 1415 01:23:09,560 --> 01:23:11,610 Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real. 1416 01:23:11,820 --> 01:23:12,860 It's real. 1417 01:23:13,070 --> 01:23:15,570 It's the female orgasm- that's the myth 1418 01:23:15,740 --> 01:23:17,070 You know what I 'm talking about? 1419 01:23:17,740 --> 01:23:18,780 Are you guys alright? 1420 01:23:18,910 --> 01:23:21,160 I thought you blew up, Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck. 1421 01:23:21,330 --> 01:23:24,000 You remembered. 1422 01:23:24,120 --> 01:23:26,500 It was a frame-up, Jay. 1423 01:23:26,660 --> 01:23:30,960 Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I are international jewel thieves. 1424 01:23:31,170 --> 01:23:32,380 We were setting you up to be a patsy... 1425 01:23:32,540 --> 01:23:35,800 but I couldn't go through with it because I... 1426 01:23:35,970 --> 01:23:36,970 because I love you. 1427 01:23:37,760 --> 01:23:39,640 Yeah? That means you're gonna fuck me, right? 1428 01:23:39,760 --> 01:23:40,380 Of course. 1429 01:23:41,140 --> 01:23:43,180 If she does it'll be considered necrophilia. 1430 01:23:43,260 --> 01:23:45,260 Because she's gonna be one dead bitch. 1431 01:23:47,140 --> 01:23:49,190 Jussy, did we get you at a bad time? 1432 01:23:49,390 --> 01:23:51,810 You should've just let these guys go down. 1433 01:23:52,020 --> 01:23:53,520 I wanted to go down, but this angel popped on my shoulder... 1434 01:23:53,570 --> 01:23:55,110 and said "Listen" and I was like "What's up?" 1435 01:23:55,270 --> 01:23:57,360 Shut the fuck up before I shoot you where you stand... 1436 01:23:57,530 --> 01:23:59,070 in you pansy red booties. 1437 01:23:59,900 --> 01:24:01,610 Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red booties. 1438 01:24:01,780 --> 01:24:03,620 Why the fuck didn't you tell me? 1439 01:24:04,120 --> 01:24:05,410 Let's have those diamonds, Justice. 1440 01:24:05,620 --> 01:24:06,950 I can't do that, Sissy. 1441 01:24:07,120 --> 01:24:09,540 Then lover-boy gets one in the fucking brain. 1442 01:24:10,540 --> 01:24:12,830 Yo! Lovely ladies! 1443 01:24:12,920 --> 01:24:14,750 Would any of you like a private audition to be in my movie. 1444 01:24:14,800 --> 01:24:16,630 Bring that ass over. C'mon! 1445 01:24:36,980 --> 01:24:38,020 Cray crackers with guns. 1446 01:24:38,190 --> 01:24:39,690 Time to get my black ass outta here. 1447 01:24:45,620 --> 01:24:46,950 You really let me down, Justice. 1448 01:24:47,160 --> 01:24:49,750 Throwing it all away for a little stoner with bad pronunciation. 1449 01:24:49,950 --> 01:24:51,120 What's it gonna be, Sissy? 1450 01:24:51,290 --> 01:24:53,670 Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in? 1451 01:24:53,790 --> 01:24:55,170 Are you kidding me? 1452 01:24:55,380 --> 01:24:56,710 I taught you all your moves myself. 1453 01:24:56,840 --> 01:24:59,090 There's no style you can bust that I can't defend against. 1454 01:24:59,250 --> 01:25:01,050 You're no match for my Shaolin Monk. 1455 01:25:01,210 --> 01:25:02,970 But I'll bury you with my Crouching Tiger. 1456 01:25:03,090 --> 01:25:04,380 A little Venus Fly-trap? 1457 01:25:04,550 --> 01:25:07,220 I'll counter with Dragon Queen. 1458 01:25:07,260 --> 01:25:09,890 How about a little "Bitch, my man ain't your baby's daddy"? 1459 01:25:10,060 --> 01:25:11,060 Bring it on. 1460 01:25:16,810 --> 01:25:18,520 I hope one of them rips off the other one's shirt... 1461 01:25:18,690 --> 01:25:21,820 and we see some titties flopping around in the air. 1462 01:25:23,400 --> 01:25:26,780 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek- I just wanted to say hi. I'm- 1463 01:25:26,990 --> 01:25:28,280 Banky-fucking Edwards! 1464 01:25:28,450 --> 01:25:30,530 Just the mother fucker we came to see. 1465 01:25:30,700 --> 01:25:33,290 What the fuck are you guys doing here? 1466 01:25:39,080 --> 01:25:40,580 Why the hell are you shooting at me? 1467 01:25:40,750 --> 01:25:41,630 Two reasons. 1468 01:25:41,750 --> 01:25:45,050 One- we're walking-taking bad girl clichés. 1469 01:25:45,210 --> 01:25:47,050 And two- because you're a man! 1470 01:25:48,680 --> 01:25:50,390 Only on the outside. 1471 01:25:51,100 --> 01:25:52,970 Stop the movie? Are you crazy? 1472 01:25:53,140 --> 01:25:54,930 All these assholes on the internet are calling us names... 1473 01:25:55,180 --> 01:25:57,020 because of this fucking stupid movie. 1474 01:25:57,230 --> 01:25:59,690 That's what the internet is for- slandering others anonymously. 1475 01:25:59,850 --> 01:26:03,110 Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that. 1476 01:26:07,780 --> 01:26:08,820 This isn't fair. 1477 01:26:08,990 --> 01:26:10,860 We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. 1478 01:26:11,030 --> 01:26:13,580 We stole a monkey, we got shot at... 1479 01:26:13,780 --> 01:26:16,160 and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts... 1480 01:26:16,330 --> 01:26:18,460 by a guy named Cock-knocker. 1481 01:26:18,620 --> 01:26:20,790 I feel for you boys, I really do. 1482 01:26:20,960 --> 01:26:23,000 But Miramax - you know, Miramax films... 1483 01:26:23,210 --> 01:26:25,750 paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman & Chronic. 1484 01:26:25,920 --> 01:26:29,050 So it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you on a website... 1485 01:26:29,130 --> 01:26:32,220 is none of my fucking concern! 1486 01:26:32,430 --> 01:26:34,390 Oh, but I think it is. 1487 01:26:37,560 --> 01:26:40,810 We had a deal with you on the comics- for likeness rights? 1488 01:26:41,020 --> 01:26:42,980 And as we're not only the artistic basis 1489 01:26:43,140 --> 01:26:44,690 but also the character basis... 1490 01:26:44,850 --> 01:26:47,230 for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic... 1491 01:26:47,360 --> 01:26:50,280 when said property was optioned by Miramax films... 1492 01:26:50,360 --> 01:26:53,150 you were legally obliged to secure our permission... 1493 01:26:53,320 --> 01:26:55,700 to transfer the concept to another medium. 1494 01:26:55,870 --> 01:26:58,160 As you failed to do that, Banky... 1495 01:26:58,200 --> 01:27:00,410 you are in breach of the original contract. 1496 01:27:00,620 --> 01:27:01,960 Ergo, you find yourself... 1497 01:27:02,160 --> 01:27:05,960 in a very actionable position. 1498 01:27:10,130 --> 01:27:11,420 You guys are gonna ruin my movie career 1499 01:27:11,630 --> 01:27:13,800 We want something for our mental anguish. 1500 01:27:13,840 --> 01:27:15,930 Tell you what- we'll settle this monetarily. 1501 01:27:16,100 --> 01:27:17,680 I'll give you half of what I make. 1502 01:27:17,850 --> 01:27:18,720 Half? 1503 01:27:18,890 --> 01:27:19,510 Half's not good enough? 1504 01:27:19,640 --> 01:27:21,470 Fine. I'll give you two thirds. 1505 01:27:21,680 --> 01:27:23,020 Fuck you, you already said half. 1506 01:27:23,180 --> 01:27:25,100 You can't take it back. 1507 01:27:25,270 --> 01:27:26,310 Done. 1508 01:27:32,320 --> 01:27:34,530 Your shit is so tired, Justice. 1509 01:27:34,940 --> 01:27:38,990 Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch! 1510 01:27:48,710 --> 01:27:51,300 Hello? Truce? 1511 01:27:55,130 --> 01:27:56,920 I think I killed both of them. 1512 01:27:57,640 --> 01:27:58,930 I am an excellent marksman. 1513 01:27:59,010 --> 01:27:59,970 I've always- 1514 01:28:04,390 --> 01:28:05,520 C'mon, you guys, it's over. 1515 01:28:10,360 --> 01:28:11,770 Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck? 1516 01:28:11,900 --> 01:28:14,110 I was just about to jump in and get your back. 1517 01:28:16,360 --> 01:28:16,990 The cops! 1518 01:28:17,110 --> 01:28:18,780 We gotta get out of here. 1519 01:28:18,820 --> 01:28:20,450 I'm tired of running. 1520 01:28:21,820 --> 01:28:24,490 Marshall... are you awake? 1521 01:28:25,290 --> 01:28:26,960 Wake up. 1522 01:28:27,120 --> 01:28:31,120 My God! I'm paralyzed. 1523 01:28:31,290 --> 01:28:33,960 That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me. 1524 01:28:34,880 --> 01:28:37,340 Oh, sweet irony! 1525 01:28:37,510 --> 01:28:38,130 You're not paralyzed. 1526 01:28:38,300 --> 01:28:41,380 It was just a tranquilizer. 1527 01:28:41,590 --> 01:28:43,260 Jesus. 1528 01:28:44,100 --> 01:28:46,220 Tranqued by a little monkey. 1529 01:28:46,390 --> 01:28:49,180 My friends in the Bureau will never let me hear the end of this. 1530 01:28:50,020 --> 01:28:51,810 You have friends in the FBI? 1531 01:28:51,980 --> 01:28:54,150 They all made it in but I failed the exam. 1532 01:28:54,360 --> 01:28:57,070 Why else do you think I became a Federal Wildlife Marshall? 1533 01:28:58,190 --> 01:28:59,650 I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke! 1534 01:29:00,700 --> 01:29:02,200 Maybe not. 1535 01:29:03,120 --> 01:29:04,870 I can make you a deal that'll get you into the FBI... 1536 01:29:04,990 --> 01:29:06,490 regardless of test scores. 1537 01:29:07,160 --> 01:29:08,950 What kind of deal? 1538 01:29:09,120 --> 01:29:11,160 You get the charges dropped against Jay and Silent Bob... 1539 01:29:11,290 --> 01:29:12,710 and say you never found the ape. 1540 01:29:12,870 --> 01:29:15,000 In exchange I will give you the diamonds we stole... 1541 01:29:15,250 --> 01:29:17,210 and turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy and myself. 1542 01:29:17,460 --> 01:29:18,960 But I want a reduced sentence. 1543 01:29:19,130 --> 01:29:20,960 You'd be willing to do that? 1544 01:29:24,970 --> 01:29:27,930 For him, I'd be willing to do anything. 1545 01:29:34,270 --> 01:29:37,650 I'm a international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence. 1546 01:29:37,980 --> 01:29:39,980 That's alright. I'm a junkie with a monkey. 1547 01:29:40,150 --> 01:29:42,150 If I go to prison will you wait for me? 1548 01:29:42,360 --> 01:29:43,610 I don't know. 1549 01:29:43,780 --> 01:29:45,860 Will you fuck me when you get out? 1550 01:29:52,870 --> 01:29:53,500 Don't change the subject. 1551 01:29:53,660 --> 01:29:55,290 Will we fuck when you get out? 1552 01:29:55,460 --> 01:29:57,040 Snoogens. 1553 01:30:04,130 --> 01:30:07,840 There's a lot of love in the room. 1554 01:30:08,300 --> 01:30:11,930 Regardless of what you may here heard, I do not kiss guys. 1555 01:30:12,560 --> 01:30:13,640 Okay. 1556 01:30:14,640 --> 01:30:16,940 Play it cool, hotshot. 1557 01:30:21,060 --> 01:30:23,650 Sorry, Justice. We have to go. 1558 01:30:25,150 --> 01:30:26,400 And stop stealing monkeys. 1559 01:30:26,610 --> 01:30:27,360 - Fuck you! 1560 01:30:27,530 --> 01:30:29,110 - Fair enough. 1561 01:30:34,330 --> 01:30:35,790 Wait for me. 1562 01:30:35,950 --> 01:30:37,370 What? Here? 1563 01:30:51,180 --> 01:30:53,510 Well, boys- you're rich, in love- 1564 01:30:54,640 --> 01:30:55,680 You're in love- 1565 01:30:55,890 --> 01:30:57,600 And to top it off you've got your own monkey. 1566 01:30:57,810 --> 01:30:59,770 What more could two guys from Jersey possibly want? 1567 01:31:00,560 --> 01:31:02,770 To have these fucks stop talking shit about us on the internet. 1568 01:31:02,810 --> 01:31:04,900 What've I been telling you? 1569 01:31:05,070 --> 01:31:06,690 There's not much you can do to stop that. 1570 01:31:06,900 --> 01:31:09,990 Short of showing up at their house and beating the shit out of them. 1571 01:31:18,000 --> 01:31:21,960 All the money we're making could buy a lot of plane tickets. 1572 01:31:28,130 --> 01:31:28,710 Yeah? 1573 01:31:28,880 --> 01:31:31,970 Do you post as Magnolia Fan on Movie Poop Shoot. Com? 1574 01:31:32,010 --> 01:31:34,970 Yeah! 1575 01:31:35,090 --> 01:31:38,930 Did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob." 1576 01:31:39,140 --> 01:31:41,640 "Fuck them in their stupid asses"? 1577 01:31:41,810 --> 01:31:43,560 Yeah, a while ago. So? 1578 01:31:53,200 --> 01:31:57,570 On Movie Poop Shoot.com did you say Jay and Silent Bob are... 1579 01:31:57,740 --> 01:32:00,370 quote, "fucking clown shoes and if they were real... 1580 01:32:00,580 --> 01:32:02,660 "I'd kick the shit out of them for being so stupid"? 1581 01:32:02,870 --> 01:32:04,210 - Yeah. - Really? 1582 01:32:26,020 --> 01:32:28,600 That's right. That's it. 1583 01:32:32,520 --> 01:32:38,910 Right. That's right. 1584 01:33:02,180 --> 01:33:03,850 That's beautiful, man. 1585 01:33:04,010 --> 01:33:06,270 That was worse than Clash Of The Titans 1586 01:33:06,430 --> 01:33:08,520 I can't believe Judy Dench played me. 1587 01:33:08,770 --> 01:33:11,810 Remind me to renew that Restraining Order. 1588 01:33:12,060 --> 01:33:12,520 Why? 1589 01:33:12,730 --> 01:33:14,820 I am gonna blast that flick on the internet tonight. 1590 01:33:15,070 --> 01:33:17,740 Why can't Hollywood ever makes a decent comic book movie? 1591 01:33:17,900 --> 01:33:19,320 Tell me, Steve-Dave. 1592 01:33:19,360 --> 01:33:20,740 Would you stop saying that? 1593 01:33:20,900 --> 01:33:23,780 That was just another paean to male adolescence... 1594 01:33:23,950 --> 01:33:25,620 and its refusal to grow up. 1595 01:33:25,780 --> 01:33:28,290 Yeah, sis, but it was better than Mall Rats. 1596 01:33:28,450 --> 01:33:31,370 At least Holden had the good sense to keep his name off of it. 1597 01:33:31,540 --> 01:33:34,920 Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead? 1598 01:33:35,040 --> 01:33:38,670 The one with you and him and your relationship. 1599 01:33:38,840 --> 01:33:40,880 Chasing Amy? 1600 01:33:41,170 --> 01:33:42,880 That would never work as a movie. 1601 01:33:43,050 --> 01:33:45,340 I'm so fucking embarrassed. 1602 01:33:45,470 --> 01:33:46,720 Honey, you should be. 1603 01:33:46,930 --> 01:33:47,890 They took your characters... 1604 01:33:48,060 --> 01:33:50,640 and turned them into one 90-minute long gay joke. 1605 01:33:50,810 --> 01:33:52,440 It was like watching Batman and Robin again. 1606 01:33:52,650 --> 01:33:55,860 Thank, that means a lot coming from the guy who pretends be "Shaft"... 1607 01:33:55,940 --> 01:33:58,480 as opposed to the guy who takes shaft. 1608 01:33:58,520 --> 01:34:00,780 I don't hear you complaining nightly. 1609 01:34:00,820 --> 01:34:03,070 I don't get out to the movies much, but I have to say... 1610 01:34:03,200 --> 01:34:05,820 Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic. 1611 01:34:05,860 --> 01:34:08,410 Are these leg cuffs really necessary? 1612 01:34:08,580 --> 01:34:11,040 Don't make me shoot you, Justice. 1613 01:34:12,790 --> 01:34:15,500 The party's across the street featuring the greatest band in the world... 1614 01:34:15,540 --> 01:34:18,130 Morris Day and the Time. 1615 01:34:37,600 --> 01:34:39,360 I... 1616 01:34:39,560 --> 01:34:41,480 I... I been watching you. 1617 01:34:41,690 --> 01:34:44,110 I think I want to know you. 1618 01:34:45,200 --> 01:34:47,990 I said... I’m a little dangerous. 1619 01:34:49,200 --> 01:34:52,620 Girl I'd love to show you... 1620 01:34:52,790 --> 01:34:55,870 my jungle love. 1621 01:36:05,650 --> 01:36:09,030 I'd be like, "What, you don't know fucking Jay and Silent Bob... 1622 01:36:09,230 --> 01:36:11,900 the fucking mack-daddies of fucking Jersey"? 1623 01:36:12,070 --> 01:36:14,200 And she'd be like "Oh, I read on the internet that you guys..." 1624 01:36:14,410 --> 01:36:16,660 "are a couple of little fuck-holes!" 1625 01:36:57,160 --> 01:36:59,120 I got a bear skinned rug. Y'all sing it. 1626 01:37:00,870 --> 01:37:03,040 I got a fireplace. I can't hear you. 1627 01:37:04,660 --> 01:37:06,750 We're all the way live in L.A. 1628 01:37:08,370 --> 01:37:10,960 Oh, the things I could do to you. 114752