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1
00:00:55,381 --> 00:00:58,050
Bobby-boy,
stay while mommy picks up free cheese.
2
00:01:00,051 --> 00:01:02,345
This will keep the sun out of your eyes
3
00:01:02,512 --> 00:01:04,221
Be good.
4
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,687
Don't you fucking move,
you little shit machine.
5
00:01:12,854 --> 00:01:14,437
Mama's gonna try to score.
6
00:01:19,483 --> 00:01:22,443
Excuse me, who's watching these babies?
7
00:01:22,652 --> 00:01:24,906
The fat one's watching the little one?
8
00:01:24,948 --> 00:01:27,200
Nice parenting.
9
00:01:27,408 --> 00:01:29,702
Leave them out here like that
and see what happens.
10
00:01:29,743 --> 00:01:31,996
Fuck you, you fucking square!
11
00:01:32,163 --> 00:01:33,913
Yeah, keep on trucking.
12
00:01:34,122 --> 00:01:36,541
Did you hear the fucking guy tell me
how to fucking raise you?
13
00:01:36,708 --> 00:01:38,001
What a fucker man.
14
00:01:38,168 --> 00:01:39,460
Who does he think he fucking is?
15
00:01:39,585 --> 00:01:40,502
What's the worst
that could fucking happen to you
16
00:01:40,627 --> 00:01:42,713
standing in front of a store?
17
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:43,963
Fuck!
18
00:01:46,756 --> 00:01:48,425
Fuck.
19
00:01:49,217 --> 00:01:51,843
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
20
00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:55,096
Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck-
mother-motherfuck-fuck.
21
00:01:55,221 --> 00:01:57,181
Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch,
no inch, no inch.
22
00:01:57,347 --> 00:01:59,141
One, two, one-two-three-four.
23
00:01:59,308 --> 00:02:00,893
No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch,
24
00:02:01,101 --> 00:02:04,479
Smoking weed, smoking weed,
doing coke, drinking beers.
25
00:02:04,604 --> 00:02:08,315
Drinking beers, beers, beers.
Rolling fatties, smoking blunts.
26
00:02:08,523 --> 00:02:10,275
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.
27
00:02:13,153 --> 00:02:14,779
Let me have a nickel bag.
28
00:02:14,904 --> 00:02:18,699
Fifteen bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.
29
00:02:18,783 --> 00:02:22,578
If that money doesn't show,
then you owe me, owe me, owe.
30
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:26,372
My Jungle Love.
Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!
31
00:02:26,539 --> 00:02:29,042
I think I want to know you, know you.
32
00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:31,585
What the hell are you singing?
33
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,378
You don't know "Jungle Love"?
34
00:02:33,629 --> 00:02:34,880
That shit is the mad notes.
35
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,173
Written by God herself...
36
00:02:36,381 --> 00:02:39,383
and handed down to
the greatest band in the world.
37
00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:41,427
The motherfucking Time.
38
00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:43,178
You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
39
00:02:43,345 --> 00:02:44,221
Yeah, "Purple Rain."
40
00:02:44,387 --> 00:02:47,307
That shit was so gay.
Fucking 80's style.
41
00:02:50,392 --> 00:02:52,853
Don't never say an unkind word
about "The Time".
42
00:02:52,937 --> 00:02:55,396
Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives...
43
00:02:55,563 --> 00:02:56,731
around Morris Day and Jerome.
44
00:02:56,898 --> 00:02:59,859
I'm a smooth pimp
who loves the pussy...
45
00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:02,860
and tubby here is my black man-servant.
46
00:03:02,985 --> 00:03:03,736
What?
47
00:03:03,903 --> 00:03:06,072
What did tell you two about
dealing in front of the store?
48
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,741
Drop the kid and pedal your
wares someplace else, burn-boy.
49
00:03:11,118 --> 00:03:14,036
And for the record,
"The Time" sucked ass.
50
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:20,083
Want to hear something fucked up
about him and that Quick-Stop boy?
51
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,045
Are you supposed to be here today?
52
00:03:24,087 --> 00:03:25,630
Don't get me started.
53
00:03:25,797 --> 00:03:27,799
Can't we do something
about those two stoners...
54
00:03:27,924 --> 00:03:29,634
hanging around outside
the store all the time?
55
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,009
Why? What did they do now?
56
00:03:31,176 --> 00:03:32,970
I'm trying to watch
"Clash Of The Titans"
57
00:03:33,095 --> 00:03:33,720
and all I can hear is...
58
00:03:33,887 --> 00:03:36,347
those two screaming about
Morris Day at the top of their lungs.
59
00:03:36,514 --> 00:03:38,850
I thought the fat one
didn't talk that much.
60
00:03:38,891 --> 00:03:41,184
What, am I producing
an A & E biography about them?
61
00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:45,062
Two packs of wraps.
How is the service?
62
00:03:45,229 --> 00:03:46,897
What service?
63
00:03:46,981 --> 00:03:48,648
The one at the Unitarian Church
last week...
64
00:03:48,773 --> 00:03:50,733
where you two got married to each other
65
00:03:50,859 --> 00:03:52,318
What the hell are you talking about?
66
00:03:52,485 --> 00:03:54,278
Jay said you guys had a
"Star Wars" theme wedding...
67
00:03:54,445 --> 00:03:56,697
and you tied the knot
dressed like Storm Troopers.
68
00:03:56,780 --> 00:03:59,031
And he says you're the bitch
and you're butch.
69
00:03:59,157 --> 00:04:00,450
I'm the bitch?
70
00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:02,160
If we were gay,
that's the way I'd see it.
71
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:03,202
Will you shut up?
72
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,704
Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over.
73
00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,372
That does it.
74
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,833
I am gonna do something about
these two stoner fucks...
75
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,792
I should've done a long time ago.
76
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:15,754
What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?
77
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,383
We got a report of two guys hanging
around a store selling pot.
78
00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,177
We don't smoke pot.
79
00:04:21,343 --> 00:04:24,095
No pot? What do you use this for?
80
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:27,265
I have a wiping problem,
I stick those little pieces of paper...
81
00:04:27,307 --> 00:04:30,267
over my brown eye and bam!
- No shit stains on my undies.
82
00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:32,060
You don't believe me? I'll show you.
83
00:04:32,519 --> 00:04:33,270
Check this out.
84
00:04:33,479 --> 00:04:35,646
Just spread my cheeks and
you can see the stink nuggets.
85
00:04:35,730 --> 00:04:37,899
Pull up your fucking pants, sir.
86
00:04:38,065 --> 00:04:40,025
Now!
87
00:04:40,776 --> 00:04:43,528
Let's go.
We're going down to the station.
88
00:04:43,570 --> 00:04:46,322
What, is it a crime to fart?
Motherfucker
89
00:04:47,364 --> 00:04:48,866
No fucking way!
90
00:04:49,074 --> 00:04:51,826
Dante and Randal slapped you
with a restraining order?
91
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,702
Ain't that about a bitch?
92
00:04:53,744 --> 00:04:55,454
Are you gonna abide by
the court's ruling...
93
00:04:55,579 --> 00:04:57,704
or are you gonna go bandit,
Reynold's style?
94
00:04:57,871 --> 00:05:00,165
Judge said if we go within
a hundred feet of the store...
95
00:05:00,332 --> 00:05:01,875
we get thrown into County.
96
00:05:02,042 --> 00:05:03,709
You know what they make you do
in County?
97
00:05:03,834 --> 00:05:05,920
Toss the salad.
98
00:05:05,961 --> 00:05:08,005
If you guys really wanted to hang out
in front of a convenience store...
99
00:05:08,172 --> 00:05:10,924
you could buy your own with all that
money you guys made.
100
00:05:11,091 --> 00:05:13,176
Hell, yeah, bitch.
101
00:05:13,301 --> 00:05:14,593
Wait a second-what money?
102
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,515
The money from the Bluntman
And Chronic movie.
103
00:05:21,184 --> 00:05:23,520
Oh my God,
don't tell me you have no idea...
104
00:05:23,645 --> 00:05:25,647
that there's a movie being made of
the comic...
105
00:05:25,772 --> 00:05:27,856
you two were the basis for?
106
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,274
What? Since when?
107
00:05:30,441 --> 00:05:34,236
Here's the pulse.
And this is your finger...
108
00:05:34,403 --> 00:05:37,489
far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your ass.
109
00:05:38,697 --> 00:05:41,450
Would you like
a chocolate covered pretzel?
110
00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:47,288
If you read Wizard, you'd know
that it's the top story this month.
111
00:05:47,497 --> 00:05:48,915
Check it out.
112
00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:52,709
When the fuck did this happen?
113
00:05:52,876 --> 00:05:54,753
After-X-Men hit at the box office...
114
00:05:54,878 --> 00:05:57,130
all the studios started buying
every comic property...
115
00:05:57,213 --> 00:05:59,424
they could get their dirty
little hands on.
116
00:05:59,632 --> 00:06:02,092
Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic.
117
00:06:02,217 --> 00:06:02,717
Miramax?
118
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:05,177
I thought
they only made classy pictures...
119
00:06:05,219 --> 00:06:07,387
like The Piano, or The Crying Game.
120
00:06:07,554 --> 00:06:10,515
Once they made She's All That,
everything went to hell.
121
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,727
You're saying you haven't gotten
a monetary cut of the movie?
122
00:06:13,893 --> 00:06:15,730
Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards...
123
00:06:15,771 --> 00:06:17,523
used to pay you likeness rights
for the comic book?
124
00:06:17,732 --> 00:06:20,150
We haven't seen a fucking dime
for no movie.
125
00:06:20,316 --> 00:06:23,319
I'm no lawyer,
but I think Holden and Banky...
126
00:06:23,486 --> 00:06:26,280
owe you some of that proverbial
"fat cash".
127
00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:28,490
If I was you guys,
I'd find Holden McNeil...
128
00:06:28,699 --> 00:06:30,324
and ask for my movie check.
129
00:06:30,533 --> 00:06:32,909
Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid!
130
00:06:33,118 --> 00:06:35,579
And on that note, we cue the music.
131
00:06:52,425 --> 00:06:56,470
Look at these morose motherfuckers
right here.
132
00:06:56,636 --> 00:07:01,557
Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bunngg!
133
00:07:02,391 --> 00:07:04,060
Come on in.
134
00:07:05,018 --> 00:07:07,562
What brings you two dirt merchants
to my neck of the woods?
135
00:07:07,771 --> 00:07:10,106
I'll tell you what our necks are
doing in your woods.
136
00:07:10,190 --> 00:07:12,067
Where's our motherfucking movie check?
137
00:07:12,108 --> 00:07:13,986
You heard about that, huh?
138
00:07:14,111 --> 00:07:14,820
I got nothing to do with it.
139
00:07:15,029 --> 00:07:15,571
That's Banky's deal.
140
00:07:15,738 --> 00:07:16,363
He owns the property now.
141
00:07:16,530 --> 00:07:19,281
I sold my half of the Bluntman and
Chronic rights to him years ago.
142
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:21,408
Why the fuck would you do
a thing like that?
143
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:25,119
Why in Gods' name would I want to
keep writing about characters...
144
00:07:25,203 --> 00:07:28,705
whose central preoccupation is weed
and dick and fart jokes.
145
00:07:28,872 --> 00:07:31,083
You gotta grow, man.
146
00:07:31,291 --> 00:07:33,668
Don't you want anything more
for yourself?
147
00:07:33,752 --> 00:07:36,045
I know this poor hapless son of
a bitch does.
148
00:07:37,546 --> 00:07:40,882
I look into his sorry, doe eyes and
I see a man crying out.
149
00:07:41,132 --> 00:07:42,550
He's crying out "When, Lord?"
150
00:07:42,717 --> 00:07:45,053
When the fuck can your servant...
151
00:07:45,261 --> 00:07:47,805
ditch this foul mouthed
little chucklehead...
152
00:07:47,971 --> 00:07:50,474
to whom I am a constant victim of
his folly.
153
00:07:50,599 --> 00:07:52,934
So much so that it prevents me
from ever getting a girl.
154
00:07:53,101 --> 00:07:54,601
Fuck! When, Lord, when?
155
00:07:54,768 --> 00:07:56,686
When's gonna be my time?
156
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,148
He knows.
157
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:02,733
I'm the chucklehead?
158
00:08:02,942 --> 00:08:04,150
You're the fucking dumb ass...
159
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,276
who gave your comic away.
160
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:07,737
Now you don't get no
fucking movie check neither.
161
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,321
When you're right, you're right.
162
00:08:09,446 --> 00:08:11,448
I wish I'd held on to a little piece
of that thing because...
163
00:08:11,615 --> 00:08:14,828
if the buzz is any sign, that movie's
gonna make some huge bank.
164
00:08:14,993 --> 00:08:16,412
What buzz?
165
00:08:16,620 --> 00:08:17,704
The internet buzz.
166
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,998
What the fuck is the internet?
167
00:08:20,165 --> 00:08:22,542
The internet is a communications
tool used the world over...
168
00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:24,544
where people can come together
to bitch about movies...
169
00:08:24,711 --> 00:08:25,628
and share pornography.
170
00:08:25,795 --> 00:08:29,005
Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com.
171
00:08:29,172 --> 00:08:30,798
Poop shoot, yeah.
172
00:08:31,382 --> 00:08:33,758
This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs.
173
00:08:33,925 --> 00:08:37,387
Sad, pathetic little bastards living
in their parents' basement...
174
00:08:37,512 --> 00:08:40,848
downloading scripts and what
they think is inside information...
175
00:08:41,056 --> 00:08:43,642
about movies and actors that
they claim to despise yet...
176
00:08:43,809 --> 00:08:44,892
can't stop discussing.
177
00:08:45,143 --> 00:08:46,936
Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic.
178
00:08:47,061 --> 00:08:50,522
"Inside sources tell me Miramax is
starting production this Friday..."
179
00:08:50,689 --> 00:08:53,900
"on their adaptation of underground
comic fav Bluntman & Chronic."
180
00:08:54,109 --> 00:08:54,860
Friday? Shit.
181
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,736
Does it say who's playing us
in the movie?
182
00:08:56,902 --> 00:08:57,820
No, but it's Miramax,
183
00:08:57,987 --> 00:09:00,281
so I'm sure
it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
184
00:09:00,448 --> 00:09:01,781
They put them in a bunch of movies.
185
00:09:01,948 --> 00:09:02,490
Who?
186
00:09:02,615 --> 00:09:04,617
Those kids from "Good Will Hunting".
187
00:09:04,743 --> 00:09:06,870
You mean that fucking movie
with Mork from Ork in it?
188
00:09:06,911 --> 00:09:08,954
I wasn't a big fan either.
189
00:09:09,121 --> 00:09:11,541
But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
190
00:09:11,791 --> 00:09:14,418
Word, bitch.
"Phantoms" was a motherfucker!
191
00:09:17,379 --> 00:09:18,589
Here we go.
192
00:09:18,672 --> 00:09:19,839
This is the shoot back section.
193
00:09:20,006 --> 00:09:23,301
This is where the people get to
chime in with their two cents.
194
00:09:23,426 --> 00:09:27,012
Here's a guy with
the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"...
195
00:09:27,179 --> 00:09:29,848
opining on what he thinks about
Bluntman & Chronic.
196
00:09:30,015 --> 00:09:30,681
He says...
197
00:09:30,806 --> 00:09:32,933
"Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid
alter egos Jay & Silent Bob...
198
00:09:33,017 --> 00:09:35,102
"only work in small doses, if at all."
199
00:09:35,269 --> 00:09:37,187
"They don't deserve their own movie."
200
00:09:37,353 --> 00:09:37,979
He's got a point.
201
00:09:38,146 --> 00:09:39,606
Fuck him. What's the next one say?
202
00:09:39,773 --> 00:09:41,691
This is entitled
"Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses".
203
00:09:41,858 --> 00:09:44,567
"Bluntman & Chronic is the
worst comic I ever read."
204
00:09:44,775 --> 00:09:46,860
"Jay & Silent Bob
are stupid characters."
205
00:09:47,069 --> 00:09:49,487
"A couple of stoners who spout
dumb ass catch phrases..."
206
00:09:49,528 --> 00:09:51,906
"like a third rate Cheech & Chong,
or Bill & Ted."
207
00:09:52,073 --> 00:09:57,202
"Fuck Jay & Silent Bob!
Fuck them up their stupid asses!"
208
00:09:57,369 --> 00:09:59,162
Who the fuck said that shit?
209
00:09:59,329 --> 00:10:02,289
He calls himself Magnolia Fan.
Check this one out.
210
00:10:02,331 --> 00:10:05,251
"Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes
that only stoners laugh at."
211
00:10:05,377 --> 00:10:08,380
"They are fucking clown shoes."
212
00:10:08,546 --> 00:10:12,299
"If they were real I'd beat the shit
out of them for being so stupid."
213
00:10:12,424 --> 00:10:14,968
"I will be boycotting this movie.
Who is with me?"
214
00:10:15,135 --> 00:10:17,428
Then there's fifty more posts
of people...
215
00:10:17,595 --> 00:10:19,304
who are joining this guy's boycott.
216
00:10:19,554 --> 00:10:22,099
I'm gonna kill all these fucks.
217
00:10:22,182 --> 00:10:24,767
Let it go.
They're not talking about you guys.
218
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,644
They're talking about
Bluntman & Chronic.
219
00:10:28,937 --> 00:10:30,146
But they said Jay & Silent Bob.
220
00:10:30,313 --> 00:10:31,314
They used our real names.
221
00:10:31,481 --> 00:10:33,483
It doesn't matter
if there's a comic version...
222
00:10:33,650 --> 00:10:36,527
because no one knows we're real
in real life.
223
00:10:36,694 --> 00:10:40,530
And all the people reading that
shit think the real Jay & Silent Bob...
224
00:10:40,697 --> 00:10:42,949
are a couple of jerk-offs
because of what these dick-heads...
225
00:10:43,116 --> 00:10:45,284
are writing about
the comic Jay & Silent Bob.
226
00:10:45,451 --> 00:10:48,995
Maybe one night me and lunch-box
are making some chick and she says...
227
00:10:49,162 --> 00:10:52,373
"Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off.
228
00:10:52,581 --> 00:10:54,041
What're your names?"
229
00:10:54,208 --> 00:10:57,168
And I say
"Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize."
230
00:10:57,293 --> 00:10:59,336
And she says
"I read on the internet that..."
231
00:10:59,503 --> 00:11:02,757
"you guys were a couple of
little fucking jerk-offs."
232
00:11:02,924 --> 00:11:05,551
And then she goes and sucks
two other guys dicks off instead.
233
00:11:05,676 --> 00:11:07,470
Fuck that!
234
00:11:07,637 --> 00:11:09,347
We got to put a stop to
these fucking hateful...
235
00:11:09,555 --> 00:11:12,307
sons of bitches before they ruin
our good names.
236
00:11:12,474 --> 00:11:14,268
First of all, I don't know
how good your names are...
237
00:11:14,435 --> 00:11:16,978
and second, there's not much you can do
about stopping this bile.
238
00:11:17,103 --> 00:11:18,604
The internet has given everyone
in America a voice...
239
00:11:18,771 --> 00:11:21,188
and everyone in America
has chosen to use that voice...
240
00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:22,189
to bitch about movies.
241
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:23,607
As long as
there's Bluntman & Chronic movie...
242
00:11:23,774 --> 00:11:26,985
the net nerds are gonna have
something negative to say.
243
00:11:27,193 --> 00:11:28,194
Wait a second.
244
00:11:28,445 --> 00:11:30,905
If there wasn't
a Bluntman & Chronic movie...
245
00:11:30,947 --> 00:11:33,406
then those fuckers wouldn't be saying
shit about Jay & Silent Bob.
246
00:11:33,656 --> 00:11:36,159
They're not saying anything
about you now.
247
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,744
They're talking
about fictional characters.
248
00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:41,413
Fictional characters.
249
00:11:41,580 --> 00:11:44,623
Am I getting through to you at all?
250
00:11:44,665 --> 00:11:47,668
So all we gotta do is stop
the fucking movie from getting made.
251
00:11:47,877 --> 00:11:51,087
And forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars...
252
00:11:51,254 --> 00:11:53,340
that you two would be entitled to
in the process.
253
00:11:53,506 --> 00:11:54,799
Are you fucking retarded?
254
00:11:54,966 --> 00:11:57,676
I don't think I'm alone in the world...
255
00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,680
Greedo shooting first.
256
00:12:00,847 --> 00:12:04,266
A Jay & Silent Bob movie?
257
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:07,228
Who'd pay to see that?
258
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,565
But, since it appears inevitable,
I recommend that you...
259
00:12:13,732 --> 00:12:17,194
go hunt Banky down and get
your mother fucking movie check...
260
00:12:17,402 --> 00:12:20,029
as you succinctly put it,
because that's what's important, right?
261
00:12:20,196 --> 00:12:22,865
No, Holden McNeil.
262
00:12:23,032 --> 00:12:25,492
The important thing here
is a bunch of mother fuckers...
263
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:28,411
we don't even know calling us
assholes on the internet...
264
00:12:28,495 --> 00:12:31,205
to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.
265
00:12:31,372 --> 00:12:34,166
Putting a stop to that is the most
important thing we could ever do.
266
00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:36,834
When is this movie getting made?
267
00:12:37,001 --> 00:12:38,294
They start this Friday.
268
00:12:38,461 --> 00:12:42,590
So, if today is Tuesday,
that gives us...
269
00:12:44,424 --> 00:12:46,008
eight days.
270
00:12:46,175 --> 00:12:48,010
Three by my count, but close.
271
00:12:48,177 --> 00:12:49,844
My bad.
272
00:12:50,011 --> 00:12:53,264
Three days to stop that fucking
stupid movie from getting made.
273
00:12:53,431 --> 00:12:56,266
C'mon, Silent Bob-
we're going to Hollywood.
274
00:13:18,327 --> 00:13:18,995
Tickets?
275
00:13:19,161 --> 00:13:21,371
Since when did they start charging
for the bus?
276
00:13:21,538 --> 00:13:24,748
Didn't we used to ride that shit to
school every morning for free?
277
00:13:28,794 --> 00:13:29,752
This sucks balls, man.
278
00:13:29,919 --> 00:13:31,879
How come we ain't getting no rides?
279
00:13:32,630 --> 00:13:35,090
Because you're doing it all wrong.
280
00:13:36,341 --> 00:13:40,053
You gotta give
the driver a little incentive.
281
00:13:40,262 --> 00:13:41,512
Like how?
282
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:42,847
Like this.
283
00:13:45,266 --> 00:13:46,683
But what happens when they pick
you up and you don't...
284
00:13:46,725 --> 00:13:48,101
make with the head?
285
00:13:48,268 --> 00:13:49,728
Don't they kick your ass to the curb?
286
00:13:49,894 --> 00:13:52,563
Sure, if you don't make with the head.
287
00:13:56,526 --> 00:14:00,111
Yeah. If it'll get me a couple
hundred miles across the country...
288
00:14:00,278 --> 00:14:02,614
I'll take a shot in the mouth.
289
00:14:02,781 --> 00:14:04,282
But we ain't gay.
290
00:14:04,449 --> 00:14:06,826
Don't be so suburban.
291
00:14:06,951 --> 00:14:08,286
It's the new millennium.
292
00:14:08,453 --> 00:14:11,580
Gay, straight- it's all the same now.
293
00:14:11,747 --> 00:14:13,874
There are no more lines.
294
00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:17,376
There's a line,
and on the side of it we ain't gay.
295
00:14:17,501 --> 00:14:20,212
All the hitchers do this.
296
00:14:20,463 --> 00:14:22,422
Why do you think people pick us up?
297
00:14:22,589 --> 00:14:24,632
If you get a ride, it's expected.
298
00:14:24,758 --> 00:14:27,052
I don't care who the driver is.
299
00:14:27,218 --> 00:14:30,262
It's the first rule in the book.
300
00:14:30,429 --> 00:14:31,930
What book?
301
00:14:32,056 --> 00:14:34,930
The unwritten book of the road.
302
00:14:50,943 --> 00:14:53,238
Follow the rules of the book...
303
00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,532
and you'll get
where you're going in no time.
304
00:14:55,699 --> 00:14:57,408
Excuse me.
305
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,100
You both don't have to sit back there.
306
00:15:27,225 --> 00:15:29,852
Why doesn't one of you come sit
next to me?
307
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:38,192
Where are you boys from?
308
00:15:38,359 --> 00:15:39,694
New Jersey.
309
00:15:39,735 --> 00:15:41,028
But we're on our way to Hollywood.
310
00:15:41,195 --> 00:15:44,072
Hollywood, huh? That's far away.
311
00:15:44,239 --> 00:15:46,366
Thank God you picked us up.
312
00:15:46,533 --> 00:15:50,034
Do unto others-
that's what the book says.
313
00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:52,579
Wait a second- you follow the book too?
314
00:15:52,788 --> 00:15:54,789
I live my life by it.
315
00:15:54,831 --> 00:15:56,791
- You?
- Of course.
316
00:15:56,958 --> 00:16:00,045
So you live by the book, too?
317
00:16:00,254 --> 00:16:03,715
You picked us up, didn't you?
I have to.
318
00:16:04,299 --> 00:16:05,508
That's good to hear...
319
00:16:05,717 --> 00:16:09,011
but it's a lot easier to say
you live by the book...
320
00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,512
than to actually do it.
321
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:15,682
Can you do it?
All right.
322
00:16:34,989 --> 00:16:36,239
I can't believe this shit.
323
00:16:36,406 --> 00:16:37,657
Five hours and not a single ride.
324
00:16:37,824 --> 00:16:41,244
Every day people hitch to Hollywood...
325
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,371
but when you and me try it's like
we're trapped in a fucking cartoon.
326
00:17:01,428 --> 00:17:03,138
Zoinks.
327
00:17:03,305 --> 00:17:05,222
Now we can finally solve the mystery
of the hitchhiking ghouls.
328
00:17:05,431 --> 00:17:07,683
Pull off their masks and let's see
who they really are.
329
00:17:08,309 --> 00:17:09,310
I don't think they are masks.
330
00:17:09,435 --> 00:17:12,187
And I don't think
they're hitchhiking girls, either.
331
00:17:12,395 --> 00:17:14,606
Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls.
332
00:17:14,773 --> 00:17:17,274
I wish they were hitchhiking girl.
333
00:17:17,358 --> 00:17:19,818
Sexy, hitchhiking girls.
334
00:17:19,985 --> 00:17:20,778
Let's kick them out.
335
00:17:20,903 --> 00:17:22,278
We have a mystery to solve.
336
00:17:22,445 --> 00:17:24,697
The only mystery here is
why we take our cues...
337
00:17:24,906 --> 00:17:27,116
from a dick in a neckerchief.
338
00:17:27,283 --> 00:17:28,033
Keep it up, beatnik.
339
00:17:28,158 --> 00:17:29,409
I'll feed you to the fucking dog.
340
00:17:29,576 --> 00:17:32,287
I can't take all this fighting.
341
00:17:35,331 --> 00:17:37,624
You guys need to turn those
frowns upside down.
342
00:17:37,832 --> 00:17:39,875
And I got just the thing for that.
343
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,378
We call it...
344
00:17:42,586 --> 00:17:44,505
doobie snacks.
345
00:18:06,899 --> 00:18:09,109
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
346
00:18:14,238 --> 00:18:15,613
I think they passed out.
347
00:18:15,822 --> 00:18:18,241
Great. What do we do with them now?
348
00:18:18,408 --> 00:18:20,742
Let's cut out their kidneys
and sell them on the black market...
349
00:18:20,909 --> 00:18:23,870
and leave them in
a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
350
00:18:32,836 --> 00:18:33,586
You see something?
351
00:18:33,795 --> 00:18:35,213
Anything?
352
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,632
I had a horrible dream.
353
00:18:39,425 --> 00:18:40,301
Man, I'm hungry.
354
00:18:40,509 --> 00:18:42,344
Where can we get some breakfast?
355
00:18:54,314 --> 00:18:55,480
Yeah.
356
00:19:02,403 --> 00:19:04,030
Check that shit out.
357
00:19:04,155 --> 00:19:05,114
The internet.
358
00:19:05,239 --> 00:19:06,741
Let's see if those fucks wrote
something new about us...
359
00:19:06,906 --> 00:19:08,241
or that stupid-ass flick.
360
00:19:11,661 --> 00:19:15,122
"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob
are gonna lick balls..."
361
00:19:15,289 --> 00:19:17,625
"because they both, in fact,
lick balls."
362
00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:19,125
Mother fucker.
363
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,960
It's time we wrote something back.
364
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,086
Type this shit down.
365
00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:25,670
All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.
366
00:19:25,879 --> 00:19:29,132
You are the ones
who are the ball lickers.
367
00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:31,842
We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry...
368
00:19:32,051 --> 00:19:33,427
like little whiny bitches.
369
00:19:33,510 --> 00:19:34,887
One we get to Hollywood...
370
00:19:35,054 --> 00:19:37,305
and find those Miramax fucks
who are making the movie...
371
00:19:37,430 --> 00:19:40,892
we're gonna make them eat our shit-
then shit out our shit...
372
00:19:41,059 --> 00:19:44,187
and eat their shit that's made up
of our shit that we make them eat.
373
00:19:44,228 --> 00:19:47,315
And then all you mother fucks are next.
374
00:19:47,898 --> 00:19:50,317
Love, Jay & Silent Bob.
375
00:19:50,902 --> 00:19:52,278
That'll show those fucks.
376
00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:53,654
Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin
377
00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:56,531
then get back on the road,
go to Hollywood and stop those fucks...
378
00:19:56,698 --> 00:19:57,991
from making that movie.
379
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,825
No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs.
380
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:01,660
We keep our eye on the prize.
381
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:03,411
And let nothing...
382
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,746
and I mean nothing distract us.
383
00:20:15,922 --> 00:20:18,298
Holy shit!
384
00:21:19,015 --> 00:21:19,974
Oh, my God.
385
00:21:20,141 --> 00:21:21,975
Do you get free refills with that?
386
00:21:22,142 --> 00:21:24,227
This? No, I use this for protection.
387
00:21:24,394 --> 00:21:27,813
So that no guys try to grab my shit
or anything.
388
00:21:28,689 --> 00:21:30,190
Hi, I'm Justice.
389
00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:32,567
And I am so fucking yours.
390
00:21:34,319 --> 00:21:35,320
I mean- hi, I'm Jay.
391
00:21:35,904 --> 00:21:38,197
And this is my hetero life-mate,
Silent Bob.
392
00:21:38,364 --> 00:21:39,407
It's nice to meet you.
393
00:21:39,574 --> 00:21:41,784
Justice, huh? That's a nice name.
394
00:21:41,951 --> 00:21:45,120
Jay and Justice sitting in a tree...
395
00:21:45,287 --> 00:21:48,041
f-u-c-k-i-n-g.
396
00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:50,250
So you come around here often?
397
00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:52,460
I'm not from around here.
398
00:21:52,501 --> 00:21:54,503
My friends and I are on a road trip.
399
00:21:54,670 --> 00:21:55,670
Friends, huh?
400
00:21:55,837 --> 00:21:56,713
Where are they at?
401
00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:00,592
Out there by that van.
402
00:22:23,194 --> 00:22:23,986
Hi.
403
00:22:24,195 --> 00:22:26,863
Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
404
00:22:29,448 --> 00:22:34,244
Ladies, ladies, ladies -
Jay and Silent Bob are in the house.
405
00:22:34,911 --> 00:22:36,954
Who the fuck are these guys?
406
00:22:37,162 --> 00:22:39,873
This is Jay and Silent Bob.
407
00:22:39,915 --> 00:22:42,541
Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy.
408
00:22:42,708 --> 00:22:44,919
Where the fuck did they come from?
409
00:22:45,086 --> 00:22:45,754
I met them inside.
410
00:22:45,963 --> 00:22:46,755
They're gonna hitch a ride.
411
00:22:47,172 --> 00:22:49,423
I don't know if that's such a good idea
412
00:22:49,590 --> 00:22:51,342
Sure it is, Jugs.
413
00:22:51,384 --> 00:22:53,094
Oh, my God!
414
00:22:53,302 --> 00:22:54,803
He just called Sissy "Jugs".
415
00:22:54,970 --> 00:22:56,680
- I'm on it.
- Chrissy, no!
416
00:22:56,846 --> 00:22:57,973
We're in the middle of suburbia.
417
00:22:58,181 --> 00:22:59,349
Let's try and act like it.
418
00:22:59,516 --> 00:23:00,266
What's with the knife?
419
00:23:00,391 --> 00:23:01,433
We having cake or something?
420
00:23:01,642 --> 00:23:02,935
Shit.
421
00:23:03,102 --> 00:23:04,269
He's retarded to boot.
422
00:23:04,435 --> 00:23:06,478
She called you retarded.
423
00:23:06,687 --> 00:23:08,021
What is wrong with you, Justice?
424
00:23:08,230 --> 00:23:09,773
You do remember where
we're going, don't you?
425
00:23:10,023 --> 00:23:11,399
And we have a job to do.
426
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:12,817
They're just gonna tag along for
a few miles.
427
00:23:12,984 --> 00:23:14,318
They won't get in the way, I swear.
428
00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:17,029
I swear I don't know what's going on
in your fucking brain lately.
429
00:23:17,279 --> 00:23:18,655
Please?
430
00:23:18,822 --> 00:23:20,448
Fine, they can ride with us.
431
00:23:20,574 --> 00:23:22,909
But they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.
432
00:23:23,075 --> 00:23:23,951
Honest injun.
433
00:23:24,118 --> 00:23:26,161
- Honest injun.
- Shut up.
434
00:23:26,203 --> 00:23:28,163
I can't believe what a pushover you are
435
00:23:28,330 --> 00:23:30,957
And I can't believe fine-ass
bitches like yourself eat that shit.
436
00:23:31,124 --> 00:23:33,210
Don't you know fast food
makes girls fart?
437
00:23:33,377 --> 00:23:35,837
What's all this talk about farting?
438
00:23:36,045 --> 00:23:39,173
Hi, Brent.
439
00:23:39,340 --> 00:23:42,341
This is Brent. He's with us, too.
440
00:23:42,383 --> 00:23:45,220
Brent, tell these sillies that
girls don't fart.
441
00:23:45,429 --> 00:23:47,722
Of course they don't.
442
00:23:47,930 --> 00:23:50,224
Only skeevy stoners fart.
443
00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:51,767
What up, homies?
444
00:23:51,893 --> 00:23:55,186
Wow, three guys, four girls.
445
00:23:55,353 --> 00:23:57,272
What's the count, boys?
446
00:23:57,439 --> 00:23:58,606
Let's rock.
447
00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:01,984
Dear Mr. Science guy...
448
00:24:02,192 --> 00:24:05,111
don't spray that aerosol in my eye.
449
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:11,949
I don't really want to die.
450
00:24:12,116 --> 00:24:14,285
I'm a noble rabbit.
451
00:24:15,493 --> 00:24:17,453
What are you guys,
a cover band or something?
452
00:24:17,703 --> 00:24:20,122
We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC-
453
00:24:20,289 --> 00:24:22,207
Students Against Animal Cruelty.
454
00:24:22,373 --> 00:24:25,835
We're on our way to Colorado to give
Provasik a piece of our minds.
455
00:24:27,961 --> 00:24:31,007
What the fuck
are you bitches babbling about?
456
00:24:31,174 --> 00:24:33,675
Hey! Watch the language, little boy.
457
00:24:33,759 --> 00:24:36,220
There are females present.
458
00:24:36,386 --> 00:24:40,306
Provasik Pharmaceuticals is
a medical lab where they perform...
459
00:24:40,473 --> 00:24:42,142
gross experiments on animals.
460
00:24:42,309 --> 00:24:46,145
What kind of animals
are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos?
461
00:24:46,354 --> 00:24:47,730
No!
462
00:24:47,980 --> 00:24:51,775
More like dogs, cats, rabbits,
muskrats, beavers.
463
00:24:51,942 --> 00:24:53,651
Heck, even monkeys.
464
00:24:53,817 --> 00:24:56,110
If we don't speak up for them, who will?
465
00:24:56,152 --> 00:24:58,446
Right, Jussy?
466
00:24:58,571 --> 00:25:00,156
Right, Brent.
467
00:25:05,327 --> 00:25:08,037
Brent, can I talk to you over here
for a second?
468
00:25:16,086 --> 00:25:19,755
Be honest, you're down with this
for the fine-ass pussy, right?
469
00:25:19,964 --> 00:25:23,551
I'm down with this
because I love animals, stupid.
470
00:25:24,510 --> 00:25:25,593
Even sheep?
471
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:26,678
Of course.
472
00:25:26,803 --> 00:25:29,013
Sheep are beautiful creatures.
473
00:25:29,180 --> 00:25:30,890
They are beautiful, aren't they?
474
00:25:30,932 --> 00:25:32,599
Oh God, yes.
475
00:25:33,308 --> 00:25:35,018
So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?
476
00:25:35,143 --> 00:25:37,103
What is your damage, little boy?
477
00:25:37,270 --> 00:25:39,480
You have a sick
and twisted world perspective.
478
00:25:39,647 --> 00:25:43,025
You're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.
479
00:25:43,234 --> 00:25:45,361
I mean if you were another sheep.
480
00:25:45,486 --> 00:25:48,280
Would you fuck a sheep
if you were another sheep?
481
00:25:50,531 --> 00:25:53,117
Since you put it that way...
482
00:25:53,325 --> 00:25:54,243
you bet your ass I would.
483
00:25:55,034 --> 00:25:57,161
I thought so.
484
00:25:58,079 --> 00:25:59,330
This mother fucker ain't one of us.
485
00:25:59,497 --> 00:26:01,415
He said he'd fuck a sheep.
486
00:26:04,376 --> 00:26:07,335
Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep fucker?
487
00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,472
- What the fuck are we gonna do?
- Shut up, I'm thinking.
488
00:26:22,307 --> 00:26:24,016
Is Hollywood near where we're going?
489
00:26:24,183 --> 00:26:25,935
Is that where you guys are from?
490
00:26:26,102 --> 00:26:26,811
Yeah, right.
491
00:26:27,061 --> 00:26:28,938
Jersey represent.
492
00:26:29,063 --> 00:26:30,898
Oh, a Jersey boy.
493
00:26:31,148 --> 00:26:33,150
What brings you all the way out here?
494
00:26:33,358 --> 00:26:34,735
We couldn't hang around
the Quick-Stop no more...
495
00:26:34,776 --> 00:26:36,152
because of the restraining order.
496
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,445
Which sucks ass...
497
00:26:37,570 --> 00:26:40,157
because it's been mine and Silent Bob's
home since we were kinds.
498
00:26:40,324 --> 00:26:42,741
Silent Bob even busted his cherry there
499
00:26:42,782 --> 00:26:45,076
You did?
500
00:26:45,285 --> 00:26:48,704
I bet she was a lucky girl.
501
00:26:50,497 --> 00:26:52,458
Fuck that fat fuck!
502
00:26:52,624 --> 00:26:54,834
I'm trying to tell a story.
503
00:26:55,001 --> 00:26:56,336
Sorry.
504
00:26:56,503 --> 00:26:58,420
We were talking to Brodie...
505
00:26:58,587 --> 00:27:00,422
and he told us about
the Bluntman & Chronic movie...
506
00:27:00,589 --> 00:27:02,716
so we went to see Holden McNeil
and he showed us the internet...
507
00:27:02,925 --> 00:27:05,092
and that's where we found all
those little fucking jerk-offs...
508
00:27:05,301 --> 00:27:06,135
talking shit about us.
509
00:27:06,302 --> 00:27:07,386
So we decided to go to Hollywood...
510
00:27:07,553 --> 00:27:09,180
and stop the movie from getting made.
511
00:27:09,347 --> 00:27:10,847
And now we're here.
512
00:27:10,972 --> 00:27:12,641
I have no idea what you just said.
513
00:27:12,724 --> 00:27:14,351
I get that a lot.
514
00:27:14,518 --> 00:27:15,893
So, you like animals, huh?
515
00:27:16,101 --> 00:27:17,144
Sure.
516
00:27:17,269 --> 00:27:18,770
That's cool. Even snakes?
517
00:27:18,937 --> 00:27:21,481
You can't exclude an animal just
because they're not cuddly.
518
00:27:21,647 --> 00:27:23,023
Of course I like snakes.
519
00:27:23,190 --> 00:27:25,150
How about trouser snakes?
520
00:27:25,567 --> 00:27:27,194
What's a trouser snake?
521
00:27:31,948 --> 00:27:33,823
What the fuck are you waiting for.
522
00:27:33,990 --> 00:27:35,909
She went for the set-up...
523
00:27:35,951 --> 00:27:37,745
reach in your pants
and pull your cock out, bitch.
524
00:27:37,995 --> 00:27:40,205
Girls like that kind of shit.
525
00:27:42,791 --> 00:27:44,876
Right here is where the angel
is supposed to show up...
526
00:27:45,042 --> 00:27:46,377
and tell you not to pull your dick out,
527
00:27:46,502 --> 00:27:49,213
but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker
and sent him packing...
528
00:27:49,421 --> 00:27:51,130
so it's smooth sailing.
529
00:27:51,297 --> 00:27:53,132
Let him rip, boy.
530
00:27:58,302 --> 00:28:02,597
"Jesus loves the little children".
531
00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:04,099
Sorry I'm late.
532
00:28:04,224 --> 00:28:06,434
What's the deal?
533
00:28:07,227 --> 00:28:09,562
Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking
of whipping your dick out...
534
00:28:09,770 --> 00:28:12,189
at this fine piece of woman, are you?
535
00:28:13,148 --> 00:28:17,026
Look over at Silent Bob and
see if he thinks it's a good idea...
536
00:28:17,193 --> 00:28:19,279
to whip your dick out.
537
00:28:21,197 --> 00:28:24,117
That's it. Put the dick down.
538
00:28:24,284 --> 00:28:25,535
You got to go from heart.
539
00:28:25,701 --> 00:28:29,663
No little perv bullshit is gonna work
for this one.
540
00:28:29,830 --> 00:28:32,998
Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch.
541
00:28:33,623 --> 00:28:36,586
I gotta go beat the shit out of
two sucker punching little bitches.
542
00:28:36,752 --> 00:28:39,921
Remember- don't pull your dick out
until she asks.
543
00:28:40,463 --> 00:28:42,507
Or until she's sleeping.
544
00:28:47,761 --> 00:28:48,679
Don't ask.
545
00:28:48,888 --> 00:28:50,305
So what can a smooth pimp-daddy
like me...
546
00:28:50,388 --> 00:28:51,806
do to help the animals?
547
00:28:52,015 --> 00:28:55,767
You really don't want to help us.
548
00:28:55,934 --> 00:28:56,685
What are you talking about?
549
00:28:56,852 --> 00:29:00,146
Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.
550
00:29:01,104 --> 00:29:03,523
I mean youse guys-
I 'd do anything for youse guys.
551
00:29:03,690 --> 00:29:05,233
Because of the lift and shit.
552
00:29:05,442 --> 00:29:10,153
Okay. Let me talk to the other girls
and get back to you.
553
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:11,529
You do that.
554
00:29:11,738 --> 00:29:13,280
I'll be right here waiting.
555
00:29:29,128 --> 00:29:31,171
Fuck you, fatty.
556
00:29:51,355 --> 00:29:52,898
You guys want anything from inside?
557
00:29:53,064 --> 00:29:54,148
No, we're cool.
558
00:30:20,254 --> 00:30:21,880
It just isn't the same, is it?
559
00:30:22,755 --> 00:30:25,716
This place licks balls compared to
the Quick-Stop.
560
00:30:25,883 --> 00:30:28,426
Speaking of licking balls-
how about that Justice chick?
561
00:30:28,593 --> 00:30:29,970
She is too fine.
562
00:30:30,095 --> 00:30:32,515
And she smells so fucking pretty.
563
00:30:33,182 --> 00:30:36,308
She has a nice voice, too.
And that body!
564
00:30:36,433 --> 00:30:37,935
Fucking smoking.
565
00:30:38,102 --> 00:30:40,937
She didn't tell me to fuck off once
when I was talking to her...
566
00:30:41,104 --> 00:30:43,022
or pull out the pepper spray.
567
00:30:43,189 --> 00:30:47,025
You know,
lunch box-she could be the one.
568
00:30:48,777 --> 00:30:50,112
- Smooth move, Justice.
569
00:30:50,279 --> 00:30:51,779
- Nice going, four eyes.
570
00:30:52,697 --> 00:30:55,116
Why did you let that stoner throw Brent
out of the van?
571
00:30:55,324 --> 00:30:57,575
If I had to listen to one more of
those stupid songs...
572
00:30:57,783 --> 00:30:59,410
I was gonna throw him out myself.
573
00:30:59,493 --> 00:31:01,078
We needed Brent.
574
00:31:01,287 --> 00:31:02,663
He was our patsy, remember?
575
00:31:02,871 --> 00:31:04,205
We'll just find someone else.
576
00:31:04,414 --> 00:31:06,583
Besides, I didn't see you try to
stop Jay from throwing him out.
577
00:31:06,749 --> 00:31:08,625
I didn't want to blow our cover.
578
00:31:08,667 --> 00:31:10,461
Cover? You all hated his songs, too.
579
00:31:10,669 --> 00:31:11,753
Not as much as I hate you.
580
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:13,839
We have a very simple gang.
581
00:31:13,964 --> 00:31:16,091
I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn
and Missy's the tech girl.
582
00:31:16,258 --> 00:31:19,219
But lately I'm can't figure out
what you're doing here.
583
00:31:19,386 --> 00:31:21,137
Your name doesn't even fit
the rhyme scheme.
584
00:31:21,262 --> 00:31:22,472
Since you let our patsy slip away...
585
00:31:22,638 --> 00:31:25,266
you have to convince the little kid
and the fat guy to take his place.
586
00:31:25,433 --> 00:31:27,392
They've gotta break into Provasik now.
587
00:31:29,437 --> 00:31:31,272
You'll do it or you're out of the gang.
588
00:31:31,481 --> 00:31:33,481
Just use the little one's crush on you
to convince him...
589
00:31:33,647 --> 00:31:36,108
since he's so fucking in love with you.
590
00:31:36,275 --> 00:31:37,817
Jay? No, he's not.
591
00:31:37,984 --> 00:31:39,027
Am I blind?
592
00:31:39,194 --> 00:31:40,653
He wasn't kissing your hand
in the van...
593
00:31:40,862 --> 00:31:42,697
like he was Lord Byron?
594
00:31:42,906 --> 00:31:45,199
Maybe he has manners?
595
00:31:46,909 --> 00:31:50,077
You ever had your asshole licked
by a fat man in an overcoat?
596
00:31:52,914 --> 00:31:54,415
We've got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.
597
00:31:54,540 --> 00:31:56,291
That'll give you plenty of time
to work on him.
598
00:31:56,333 --> 00:31:58,001
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Why the fuck not?
599
00:31:58,168 --> 00:32:00,170
Because he's just so innocent.
600
00:32:00,337 --> 00:32:01,295
Look at him.
601
00:32:04,006 --> 00:32:04,340
Who's it gonna be?
602
00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:05,966
Him or us?
603
00:32:09,176 --> 00:32:11,845
Steal a monkey? No problem.
604
00:32:12,054 --> 00:32:13,888
It's not stealing a monkey.
605
00:32:14,055 --> 00:32:16,474
It's liberating it. It's-
606
00:32:16,641 --> 00:32:17,975
Wait a second.
607
00:32:18,142 --> 00:32:19,434
Did you say "no problem"?
608
00:32:19,559 --> 00:32:21,603
Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time.
609
00:32:21,770 --> 00:32:23,730
Right, lunch-box?
610
00:32:25,022 --> 00:32:26,899
It's not like it's a bad thing.
611
00:32:27,066 --> 00:32:29,111
It's for a good cause.
612
00:32:29,277 --> 00:32:31,487
It's for the best cause, mon cheri.
613
00:32:31,570 --> 00:32:33,739
The cause of love.
614
00:32:34,907 --> 00:32:36,324
Snoogens.
615
00:32:36,533 --> 00:32:37,742
What the heck is that?
616
00:32:37,951 --> 00:32:40,578
- What?
- Snoogens, I believe.
617
00:32:40,745 --> 00:32:42,079
What the fuck do you think it means?
618
00:32:42,287 --> 00:32:44,206
It means I'm kidding.
619
00:32:44,414 --> 00:32:46,582
That's too bad.
620
00:32:53,629 --> 00:32:58,384
I can't believe I'm gonna get some
pussy for stealing a monkey.
621
00:33:01,302 --> 00:33:02,512
If I'd known that earlier...
622
00:33:02,679 --> 00:33:05,556
I'd have been stealing monkeys
since I was seven.
623
00:33:05,597 --> 00:33:08,434
Don't, mother fucker-
don't you ruin this for me.
624
00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:10,687
Me and Justice
are gonna get married some day...
625
00:33:10,728 --> 00:33:12,771
so don't be giving me no look like
we ain't gonna steal the monkey.
626
00:33:12,980 --> 00:33:14,648
I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch!
627
00:33:14,690 --> 00:33:16,233
Don't forget that.
628
00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,610
That girl- that girl is in love with me
629
00:33:19,819 --> 00:33:21,362
They're gonna do it.
630
00:33:21,529 --> 00:33:22,570
Good.
631
00:33:22,736 --> 00:33:24,738
They do their part and we'll do ours.
632
00:33:41,003 --> 00:33:43,297
Remember- we meet back here
when you're done.
633
00:33:43,881 --> 00:33:44,840
Are you sure you're okay with this?
634
00:33:45,007 --> 00:33:47,800
Sure as I am that you're the hottest
bitch I've ever seen.
635
00:33:48,009 --> 00:33:49,301
Easy...
636
00:33:49,468 --> 00:33:51,219
What's twisting this bitch's tit?
637
00:33:51,344 --> 00:33:54,680
Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.
638
00:33:54,847 --> 00:33:56,640
They don't?
639
00:33:56,807 --> 00:33:58,432
How about "fine piece of ass"?
640
00:33:58,557 --> 00:33:59,725
How about not.
641
00:33:59,892 --> 00:34:01,351
What the fuck am I supposed
to call you?
642
00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:03,311
Something sweet, you big goof.
643
00:34:03,478 --> 00:34:06,189
Something nice.
644
00:34:06,355 --> 00:34:08,400
Boo-boo kitty fuck?
645
00:34:08,567 --> 00:34:12,361
Okay, that's a start.
646
00:34:12,528 --> 00:34:13,446
Jay, before you go...
647
00:34:13,654 --> 00:34:16,156
could you say something into the camera
about the clitoris?
648
00:34:16,281 --> 00:34:18,617
- You are such a bitch!
- Shut up, Justice.
649
00:34:18,825 --> 00:34:21,452
She's a little embarrassed.
650
00:34:21,494 --> 00:34:23,997
We're making a documentary for
a human sexuality class...
651
00:34:24,164 --> 00:34:27,082
and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.
652
00:34:27,249 --> 00:34:28,793
The female clitoris?
653
00:34:28,959 --> 00:34:30,211
Yeah.
654
00:34:30,377 --> 00:34:31,796
Jay, you don't have to do this.
655
00:34:31,837 --> 00:34:33,129
It's cool.
656
00:34:33,671 --> 00:34:35,422
There's a few things
I could say about the clit...
657
00:34:35,589 --> 00:34:38,092
that I'd like you to hear.
658
00:34:39,425 --> 00:34:41,803
I am the master of the clit.
659
00:34:41,969 --> 00:34:43,846
Remember this fucking face.
660
00:34:43,888 --> 00:34:45,722
Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this fucking face.
661
00:34:45,889 --> 00:34:47,432
I make that shit work.
662
00:34:47,599 --> 00:34:49,184
No one rules the clit like me.
663
00:34:49,392 --> 00:34:50,351
Not this little fuck.
664
00:34:50,559 --> 00:34:52,686
None of you little fucks out there.
665
00:34:52,853 --> 00:34:55,064
I am the clit commander.
666
00:34:55,231 --> 00:34:57,398
When it comes down
to business this is what I do.
667
00:34:57,565 --> 00:35:00,860
I pinch it like this-
Oh, you little fuck.
668
00:35:01,610 --> 00:35:04,071
And then I rub my nose-
669
00:35:04,238 --> 00:35:06,908
Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
670
00:35:07,075 --> 00:35:07,950
I will.
671
00:35:08,117 --> 00:35:09,076
Girls.
672
00:35:11,202 --> 00:35:14,287
Do you think I could get a little kiss
for good luck?
673
00:35:19,500 --> 00:35:23,171
Do you think I could get
a little blow job for good luck?
674
00:35:23,964 --> 00:35:26,131
No. Go.
675
00:35:31,635 --> 00:35:33,345
Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker.
676
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,190
Jussy, come on.
677
00:36:25,180 --> 00:36:27,515
- Are they in?
- You could say that.
678
00:36:28,349 --> 00:36:29,725
Time to shine. Let's go.
679
00:37:27,064 --> 00:37:28,315
You are so gay.
680
00:37:35,571 --> 00:37:37,948
Once we get upstairs
I want complete silence.
681
00:37:38,448 --> 00:37:40,366
Missy whipped this up-
it counts our decibel level.
682
00:37:40,574 --> 00:37:42,326
If it goes into the red- alarm,
we're dead.
683
00:37:42,952 --> 00:37:44,702
So that means not even
the slightest noise, you got that?
684
00:37:44,828 --> 00:37:45,995
Got it.
685
00:37:56,004 --> 00:37:57,046
Justice, move your ass.
686
00:38:21,609 --> 00:38:23,027
Check this shit out, lunch-box.
687
00:38:23,236 --> 00:38:24,279
Animal tranquilizers.
688
00:38:24,404 --> 00:38:27,239
This shit fucks you up- like percosets.
689
00:38:31,075 --> 00:38:34,454
Keep this, so later me and Justice
can shoot each other with it...
690
00:38:34,662 --> 00:38:36,997
and fuck like stoned test-bunnies.
691
00:38:59,974 --> 00:39:01,475
Suzanne.
692
00:39:03,060 --> 00:39:05,187
Boo-yah.
693
00:41:06,162 --> 00:41:08,705
Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!
694
00:41:21,257 --> 00:41:22,842
Boom-box.
695
00:41:23,676 --> 00:41:24,510
I can't believe it.
696
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:25,219
Months of planning...
697
00:41:25,386 --> 00:41:26,845
and it's all blown by a fart.
698
00:41:27,012 --> 00:41:27,971
We can't just leave them here.
699
00:41:28,138 --> 00:41:29,890
That alarm will bring the cops
any minute.
700
00:41:30,057 --> 00:41:31,640
That's always been the plan.
701
00:41:31,682 --> 00:41:33,225
They take the heat off us long enough
'til we can get out of town.
702
00:41:39,230 --> 00:41:42,025
Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks.
703
00:41:42,150 --> 00:41:43,984
Let's go!
704
00:41:57,953 --> 00:41:59,246
What are you looking at?
705
00:41:59,288 --> 00:42:00,539
There ain't no snacks here.
706
00:42:01,081 --> 00:42:01,748
We got what we came for.
707
00:42:01,956 --> 00:42:03,500
Let's get outta here.
708
00:42:07,252 --> 00:42:08,087
I know it's sad.
709
00:42:08,253 --> 00:42:10,340
But what are we supposed
to do about it?
710
00:42:21,057 --> 00:42:22,684
Justice, open the door!
711
00:42:24,851 --> 00:42:26,019
Oh, shit!
712
00:42:34,526 --> 00:42:36,193
Drop the bag-now!!!
713
00:43:07,971 --> 00:43:10,056
Justice!
714
00:43:38,203 --> 00:43:40,121
You mind if I lean that there?
715
00:43:43,707 --> 00:43:45,084
My, oh my, oh my.
716
00:43:46,918 --> 00:43:49,129
Who let the cats out?
717
00:43:49,212 --> 00:43:51,380
Wait-is that-??
718
00:43:51,589 --> 00:43:53,341
Excuse me, who the hell are you?
719
00:43:54,216 --> 00:43:55,384
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
720
00:43:55,551 --> 00:43:57,677
This investigation is now
under my jurisdiction.
721
00:43:57,886 --> 00:43:58,553
Really? Why is that?
722
00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:01,598
Because someone let a whole mess of
animals out of their cages, sir.
723
00:44:01,765 --> 00:44:03,432
We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic used...
724
00:44:03,599 --> 00:44:06,478
to call attention away from
the real heist at the Diamond Exchange.
725
00:44:06,603 --> 00:44:09,021
Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.
726
00:44:09,063 --> 00:44:11,482
Sounds more like something out of
a bad movie.
727
00:44:14,567 --> 00:44:17,903
The Provasik people say
they've rounded up all their animals...
728
00:44:18,070 --> 00:44:21,072
except for one-an orangutan.
729
00:44:21,989 --> 00:44:24,075
The most dangerous animal known to man.
730
00:44:25,117 --> 00:44:26,660
Sir,
this was just delivered to the station.
731
00:44:26,743 --> 00:44:28,244
What is it?
732
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:31,331
It's a tape from the terrorists who
claim responsibility for the break-in.
733
00:44:31,456 --> 00:44:33,374
Do you have a VCR?
734
00:44:33,415 --> 00:44:35,167
I am the clit commander.
735
00:44:35,376 --> 00:44:36,835
Oh, my God!
736
00:44:38,503 --> 00:44:40,004
Blafsky, it's Willenholly.
737
00:44:40,171 --> 00:44:43,092
I need you to get me on
the national news, pronto.
738
00:44:43,258 --> 00:44:44,967
Why?
739
00:44:45,134 --> 00:44:46,844
Because we may be dealing with...
740
00:44:47,011 --> 00:44:49,138
the two most dangerous men on
the planet.
741
00:44:57,852 --> 00:44:59,396
This is Jussy's monkey.
742
00:45:02,814 --> 00:45:04,942
Justice died for you,
you little monkey fuck!
743
00:45:07,819 --> 00:45:09,153
Do something, tons of fun.
744
00:45:12,906 --> 00:45:15,200
Is that thing waving at us?
745
00:45:17,995 --> 00:45:19,495
It understood us.
746
00:45:20,371 --> 00:45:21,539
Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey?
747
00:45:28,336 --> 00:45:29,753
You're my bitch!
748
00:45:29,878 --> 00:45:30,878
You get my back.
749
00:45:31,045 --> 00:45:33,339
Don't go taking
this fucking chimp's side.
750
00:45:47,893 --> 00:45:50,313
What if there are more
super monkeys up at that lab?
751
00:45:50,521 --> 00:45:52,732
Maybe they're making an army of
them up there?
752
00:45:53,149 --> 00:45:54,691
Holy shit!
753
00:45:54,858 --> 00:45:57,152
Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files"...
754
00:45:57,819 --> 00:45:59,112
Roswell style?
755
00:46:02,072 --> 00:46:04,826
This little monkey can be
the fucking damn dirty apes
756
00:46:05,035 --> 00:46:08,244
responsible for fall of
the human race
757
00:46:09,620 --> 00:46:12,664
and this world got mad
we won't spank the monkey
758
00:46:12,831 --> 00:46:15,125
The monkey will spank us.
759
00:46:16,084 --> 00:46:19,962
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
760
00:46:20,129 --> 00:46:22,465
Eaten alive.
761
00:46:22,547 --> 00:46:24,883
Then these monkey fucks
will start wearing our clothes...
762
00:46:25,008 --> 00:46:27,761
and rebuilding the world in their image
763
00:46:29,219 --> 00:46:30,512
And only those...
764
00:46:30,721 --> 00:46:36,059
as super smart will be left a live...
765
00:46:36,392 --> 00:46:37,518
You maniacs!
766
00:46:37,685 --> 00:46:39,020
Damn youse!
767
00:46:39,187 --> 00:46:43,606
God damn youse all to hell!
768
00:46:45,483 --> 00:46:47,567
Not on my watch, mother fucker.
769
00:46:47,776 --> 00:46:50,070
Die, you super-monkey fuck!
770
00:46:58,952 --> 00:47:01,580
Alright, you can live. For now.
771
00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,167
You see that shit. Bitches love me.
772
00:47:06,876 --> 00:47:07,752
Let's get something to eat.
773
00:47:10,545 --> 00:47:11,964
We ain't hiding in the woods no more.
774
00:47:12,005 --> 00:47:13,382
We gotta get to Hollywood.
775
00:47:14,007 --> 00:47:15,800
Besides, we're in the clear.
776
00:47:15,841 --> 00:47:17,593
It's not like anyone knows
we stole the monkey.
777
00:47:20,886 --> 00:47:23,389
I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive
News Now bulletin.
778
00:47:23,555 --> 00:47:27,934
A Provasik animal testing facility
in Boulder was the focus of an attack
779
00:47:28,101 --> 00:47:30,853
by a terroristic primate rescue
syndicate calling themselves...
780
00:47:31,020 --> 00:47:34,773
The Coalition for Liberation of
Itinerant Tree Dwellers...
781
00:47:34,982 --> 00:47:37,277
or simply C.L.I.T.
782
00:47:37,485 --> 00:47:39,653
In a videotape sent to
authorities this morning...
783
00:47:39,903 --> 00:47:42,072
credit for the liberation of
an orangutan from the lab last night...
784
00:47:42,197 --> 00:47:46,325
is taken by these men, identified
in literature that accompanied the tape
785
00:47:46,492 --> 00:47:49,745
as Jay and Silent Bob.
786
00:47:49,911 --> 00:47:51,955
In this chilling clip, they make it
very clear that they...
787
00:47:52,122 --> 00:47:55,124
are in control... of the C.L.I.T.
788
00:47:55,707 --> 00:47:57,166
We are the C.L.I.T.
None of you are safe.
789
00:47:57,333 --> 00:47:59,628
Now tremble before
my remorseless leader.
790
00:47:59,837 --> 00:48:02,171
I am the clit commander.
791
00:48:02,338 --> 00:48:03,339
Terrifying.
792
00:48:04,132 --> 00:48:05,008
Here to help us explain this footage...
793
00:48:05,133 --> 00:48:07,592
is Federal Wildlife
Marshall Willenholly.
794
00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:09,261
Marshall, thanks for joining us.
795
00:48:09,428 --> 00:48:12,389
At this point, what can you tell us
about the C.L.I.T?
796
00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:15,390
From the intelligence we've been
gathering, we've discovered...
797
00:48:15,515 --> 00:48:19,310
that the C.L.I.T. Is actually
a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
798
00:48:19,518 --> 00:48:21,145
The Liberate Apes Before
Imprisoning Apes movement.
799
00:48:21,186 --> 00:48:22,813
Exactly.
800
00:48:22,938 --> 00:48:24,565
The two men that you saw in the video
801
00:48:24,772 --> 00:48:28,610
go by the obvious code names
of Jay and Silent Bob.
802
00:48:28,651 --> 00:48:32,445
If anyone out there should come
across them or any other Clitties...
803
00:48:32,612 --> 00:48:34,990
please exercise extreme caution.
804
00:48:35,198 --> 00:48:37,408
I told you that restraining order
was a good idea.
805
00:48:37,450 --> 00:48:39,619
What response do you hope to elicit...
806
00:48:39,785 --> 00:48:42,245
by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.I. T?
807
00:48:42,495 --> 00:48:43,663
It's a difficult situation.
808
00:48:43,872 --> 00:48:45,123
You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T.
The wrong way.
809
00:48:45,290 --> 00:48:49,043
Nights like this,
I miss dating a lesbian.
810
00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:51,128
Is that your cell phone, sir?
811
00:48:51,295 --> 00:48:54,964
Blavsky, give me a frigging break.
812
00:48:55,131 --> 00:48:55,882
I'm on my way.
813
00:48:56,090 --> 00:48:57,301
We've got them. They're in Utah.
814
00:48:57,468 --> 00:49:02,096
Citizens of Utah, stimulation of
the C.L.I.T. Is not recommended.
815
00:49:02,847 --> 00:49:03,932
Your plan worked.
816
00:49:04,098 --> 00:49:07,309
The news is all about Jay
and Bob's Provasik break-in.
817
00:49:07,517 --> 00:49:09,101
With almost no mention of
the diamond heist.
818
00:49:09,143 --> 00:49:10,728
I told you those two
were the perfect patsies.
819
00:49:10,853 --> 00:49:11,937
Don't you have any regret?
820
00:49:12,145 --> 00:49:13,647
Jay and Bob don't deserve this.
821
00:49:13,855 --> 00:49:15,899
They were really sweet.
822
00:49:15,941 --> 00:49:17,900
The only thing I regret is not gutting
that trout-mouthed prick...
823
00:49:18,067 --> 00:49:20,819
like a fish and playing twister
with his vitals.
824
00:49:21,946 --> 00:49:22,947
I don't get you, Justice.
825
00:49:23,196 --> 00:49:25,365
You used to be all about
this girl stuff.
826
00:49:25,406 --> 00:49:27,450
Stealing, boning, blowing shit up.
827
00:49:27,617 --> 00:49:29,493
Now you're this little priss
with a conscience.
828
00:49:29,618 --> 00:49:31,036
It's really a drag.
829
00:49:31,078 --> 00:49:32,497
We all have to grow up sometime.
830
00:49:32,664 --> 00:49:35,374
If moping around over some boy
you've got a crush on is growing up...
831
00:49:35,540 --> 00:49:38,210
then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos.
832
00:49:38,961 --> 00:49:40,461
Marvelous Pizza coming through.
833
00:49:40,628 --> 00:49:42,588
You the guys who ordered the pizza?
834
00:49:42,755 --> 00:49:44,256
This dopey bitch ordered a large plain,
835
00:49:44,422 --> 00:49:48,175
but I could go for some ht,
thick Sicilian.
836
00:49:49,343 --> 00:49:50,719
No charge, lady.
837
00:49:50,885 --> 00:49:51,928
Hurry.
838
00:49:58,684 --> 00:49:59,977
I'm sorry, Jay.
839
00:50:03,938 --> 00:50:06,023
Justice died trying to save this monkey
840
00:50:06,190 --> 00:50:07,650
so maybe we should keep it around.
841
00:50:07,817 --> 00:50:08,776
They way...
842
00:50:08,985 --> 00:50:11,111
we could honor her memory.
843
00:50:13,780 --> 00:50:15,823
Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?
844
00:50:15,990 --> 00:50:19,034
And you were all scared we'd get busted
by the cops or something.
845
00:50:19,576 --> 00:50:20,785
You know what I say?
846
00:50:20,994 --> 00:50:21,952
Fuck the Police.
847
00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:24,788
Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police!
848
00:50:24,997 --> 00:50:27,039
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
849
00:50:27,081 --> 00:50:28,583
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
850
00:50:28,666 --> 00:50:30,127
Yo, fuck me!
851
00:50:30,294 --> 00:50:32,671
This is the Utah State Police.
852
00:50:33,337 --> 00:50:35,464
Boys, we know you're in there.
853
00:50:35,631 --> 00:50:38,009
Come on out with your hands in the air
854
00:50:38,217 --> 00:50:41,094
and surrender the orangutan.
855
00:50:41,303 --> 00:50:43,263
Think they're talking about us?
856
00:50:49,727 --> 00:50:51,894
Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire.
857
00:50:52,604 --> 00:50:53,647
Who the hell are you?
858
00:50:53,897 --> 00:50:55,482
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
859
00:50:55,691 --> 00:50:56,733
Is the monkey in there?
860
00:50:56,982 --> 00:50:57,441
The ape.
861
00:50:57,649 --> 00:50:58,150
What?
862
00:50:58,317 --> 00:50:59,901
Orangutan is a member of
the great ape family.
863
00:51:00,110 --> 00:51:00,819
It's not a monkey.
864
00:51:00,986 --> 00:51:02,904
Who's the Federal Wildlife
Marshall here?
865
00:51:03,070 --> 00:51:04,238
Me or you?
866
00:51:04,405 --> 00:51:05,448
That's what thought.
867
00:51:05,489 --> 00:51:06,490
Can I use your-
868
00:51:09,618 --> 00:51:13,704
Jay and Silent Bob-
Your C.L.I.T. Doesn't stand a chance.
869
00:51:13,746 --> 00:51:17,791
Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey
in there should hit the deck.
870
00:51:17,958 --> 00:51:19,126
We are going to open fire.
871
00:51:21,711 --> 00:51:22,754
What are you waiting for?
872
00:51:22,921 --> 00:51:24,505
Get out there and give them the monkey.
873
00:51:26,965 --> 00:51:28,717
Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab?
874
00:51:28,759 --> 00:51:30,469
Maybe they experiment on them...
875
00:51:30,636 --> 00:51:32,595
by making them fuck a bunch of
different good-looking monkeys?
876
00:51:32,803 --> 00:51:33,970
We don't know.
877
00:51:34,721 --> 00:51:35,931
You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.
878
00:51:36,097 --> 00:51:39,558
Fuck, you're the guy
who makes the blueprints.
879
00:51:39,767 --> 00:51:42,144
I don't have the fucking smarts of
a little...
880
00:51:45,939 --> 00:51:47,523
kid.
881
00:51:47,690 --> 00:51:48,941
Do not shoot!
882
00:51:52,070 --> 00:51:55,364
We're just trying to take our son
out of this hostile environment.
883
00:51:55,489 --> 00:51:56,865
Their son?
884
00:51:57,032 --> 00:51:58,533
Maybe they're one of those gay couples?
885
00:51:58,659 --> 00:52:00,576
Yeah, we're gay.
886
00:52:00,743 --> 00:52:02,411
And this is our adopted love child.
887
00:52:02,662 --> 00:52:04,038
We're not from around here.
888
00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:06,623
Don't makes us go back to
our liberal city home...
889
00:52:06,873 --> 00:52:10,376
with tales of prejudice
and bigotry from the heart of Utah.
890
00:52:10,542 --> 00:52:13,086
This is the last thing I need.
891
00:52:13,127 --> 00:52:15,546
Uppity homosexuals shooting
their mouths off to the...
892
00:52:15,713 --> 00:52:19,549
liberal media that the Federal Wildlife
Office persecutes gays.
893
00:52:19,716 --> 00:52:21,802
Are you fucking crazy?
They may be gay...
894
00:52:21,885 --> 00:52:23,928
but that's not their son-
that's the ape!
895
00:52:24,095 --> 00:52:26,515
I think I would recognize an ape
if I saw one.
896
00:52:26,723 --> 00:52:28,850
And the only thing
I do recognize right now...
897
00:52:29,017 --> 00:52:32,270
is a political fiasco that
I'm about to avoid...
898
00:52:32,436 --> 00:52:34,855
by letting
this butt-fucking Brady bunch go.
899
00:52:39,818 --> 00:52:41,986
You are free to leave, sirs.
900
00:52:43,445 --> 00:52:44,863
Yes, you, sirs.
901
00:52:44,905 --> 00:52:46,281
So we can just go?
902
00:52:46,489 --> 00:52:47,114
Yes, sir.
903
00:52:47,281 --> 00:52:49,826
Please accept my apology for
detaining you and your...
904
00:52:49,993 --> 00:52:53,537
unorthodox but constitutionally
protected family unit.
905
00:52:54,329 --> 00:52:56,039
Un-fucking-believable.
906
00:52:56,206 --> 00:53:00,084
I might add, that is one fine
looking young boy you're raising.
907
00:53:00,209 --> 00:53:01,877
That's because he's from my sperm.
908
00:53:02,587 --> 00:53:04,420
K knocked up this hot,
woman friend of ours...
909
00:53:04,587 --> 00:53:07,047
who fuck on the side so as not to be
all-the-way gay.
910
00:53:07,298 --> 00:53:10,425
But my tubby husband-
He's one hundred percent queer.
911
00:53:10,592 --> 00:53:11,968
He loves the cock.
912
00:53:12,969 --> 00:53:14,929
He certainly looks insatiable.
913
00:53:15,888 --> 00:53:17,222
Bye-bye.
914
00:53:23,728 --> 00:53:26,188
It's not my way, but I'll be damned
if that isn't one happy family.
915
00:53:28,607 --> 00:53:31,067
Alright, gang-let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner...
916
00:53:31,276 --> 00:53:33,777
and when the guys come out
with the monkey-
917
00:53:33,944 --> 00:53:35,321
Fuck beans!
918
00:53:35,404 --> 00:53:36,697
That was them, wasn't it?
919
00:53:36,864 --> 00:53:38,824
I said you love the cock.
920
00:53:39,407 --> 00:53:42,035
I have to be the craftiest
mother fucker alive.
921
00:53:45,495 --> 00:53:46,747
Flee, fat-ass, flee!
922
00:53:55,881 --> 00:53:57,715
Head for the sewer!
923
00:54:13,228 --> 00:54:14,353
You fat fuck!
924
00:54:15,270 --> 00:54:17,606
Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous ass.
925
00:54:19,358 --> 00:54:21,693
Suck it in. Think thin!
926
00:54:22,569 --> 00:54:23,946
One rectal breach coming up.
927
00:54:24,613 --> 00:54:26,280
Suck it in!
928
00:54:26,322 --> 00:54:27,949
Incoming!
929
00:54:37,580 --> 00:54:38,873
Just like Winnie the Pooh.
930
00:54:43,334 --> 00:54:47,089
That was an incredibly daring escape.
931
00:54:48,048 --> 00:54:49,423
Here's the deal.
932
00:54:49,590 --> 00:54:50,925
You and your men stay up here.
933
00:54:51,133 --> 00:54:53,803
When I corner him, I'll call for backup.
934
00:54:55,011 --> 00:54:57,055
I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
935
00:54:58,807 --> 00:54:59,975
You've taught me so much.
936
00:55:11,692 --> 00:55:13,818
Fuck this asshole.
937
00:55:13,985 --> 00:55:16,696
Let's go back to the station and
cornhole us a drunk.
938
00:55:22,285 --> 00:55:25,120
Don't fuck your word...
I swear to God.
939
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:29,207
Put the monkey down and your hands up!
940
00:55:31,959 --> 00:55:33,586
Let's go, misters.
941
00:55:33,627 --> 00:55:35,212
You want to get shot?
942
00:55:35,421 --> 00:55:37,088
I didn't think so.
943
00:55:37,255 --> 00:55:40,091
She doesn't want to go back to the lab.
944
00:55:40,258 --> 00:55:42,801
And for the record...
I ain't gay.
945
00:55:42,968 --> 00:55:45,305
And for the record,
while we're on the subject...
946
00:55:45,471 --> 00:55:47,972
I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
947
00:55:48,764 --> 00:55:51,559
For one more record- he loves the cock.
948
00:55:52,393 --> 00:55:54,352
On your knees, Texas Pete.
949
00:55:54,561 --> 00:55:55,312
Let's go.
950
00:55:55,812 --> 00:55:58,064
You see- he's lining us up like
fucking circus seals.
951
00:55:58,981 --> 00:55:59,815
I'm going first.
952
00:55:59,982 --> 00:56:02,109
I don't want a mouth full of
monkey spit...
953
00:56:02,276 --> 00:56:03,611
if I gotta blow this G-man.
954
00:56:03,736 --> 00:56:04,861
What are you talking about?
955
00:56:05,028 --> 00:56:07,238
No one's gonna get blown here-
956
00:56:09,532 --> 00:56:12,075
Shit!
957
00:56:13,911 --> 00:56:16,746
These guys are good. Very good.
958
00:56:24,211 --> 00:56:26,045
Hey, law-dog.
959
00:56:28,671 --> 00:56:30,924
See you in Hell, cock-smoker.
960
00:56:32,008 --> 00:56:34,801
Oh, Fuck me.
961
00:56:59,490 --> 00:57:02,033
Get the fuck off her-
that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
962
00:57:05,244 --> 00:57:08,247
Hey, that monkey don't belong to you.
963
00:57:15,795 --> 00:57:17,588
Who the fuck just steals a monkey?
964
00:57:20,258 --> 00:57:21,299
Oh, yeah.
965
00:57:21,466 --> 00:57:22,425
This blows.
966
00:57:22,592 --> 00:57:25,387
We have one more day to stop
these fucks from shooting this movie.
967
00:57:25,554 --> 00:57:29,014
They took the one thing I had left
from the one woman I loved enough...
968
00:57:29,139 --> 00:57:31,392
not to stick my hand down her pants.
969
00:57:33,768 --> 00:57:34,769
Go after the monkey?
970
00:57:34,936 --> 00:57:36,437
How do we know where that car is going?
971
00:57:39,856 --> 00:57:42,025
Don't just point.
972
00:57:44,402 --> 00:57:45,319
What, you gotta take a shit?
973
00:57:46,904 --> 00:57:48,030
No, you gotta take a salad.
974
00:57:49,614 --> 00:57:50,949
What the fuck are you trying to say?
975
00:57:51,324 --> 00:57:52,241
Say it!
976
00:57:52,283 --> 00:57:53,158
Don't make me ask twenty questions.
977
00:57:53,325 --> 00:57:56,327
You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time...
978
00:57:56,369 --> 00:57:59,330
but you can't spit out
"Jay, I disagree," or...
979
00:57:59,455 --> 00:58:01,582
"those are some good cheese fries".
980
00:58:03,709 --> 00:58:05,419
Just fucking say it!
981
00:58:07,128 --> 00:58:09,797
The sign on the back of the car...
982
00:58:10,006 --> 00:58:12,634
said "Critters of Hollywood"...
983
00:58:13,134 --> 00:58:14,718
you dumb fuck!
984
00:58:20,472 --> 00:58:21,765
Say it, don't spray it.
985
00:58:24,642 --> 00:58:28,396
And might I add, that is
one fine-looking boy you are raising.
986
00:58:35,235 --> 00:58:37,778
If it isn't the wildlife expert.
987
00:58:38,446 --> 00:58:40,240
Your office faxed this over.
988
00:58:40,908 --> 00:58:43,201
The guy said it was a post from
an internet chat board...
989
00:58:43,242 --> 00:58:45,536
signed by a Jay & Silent Bob.
990
00:58:48,538 --> 00:58:50,915
"All you mother fuckers are gonna pay."
991
00:58:51,123 --> 00:58:53,750
"You are the ones who are ball lickers"
992
00:58:53,917 --> 00:58:55,668
"We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry..."
993
00:58:55,835 --> 00:59:00,255
"like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we're-"
994
00:59:00,881 --> 00:59:02,257
They're going to Hollywood.
995
00:59:26,319 --> 00:59:27,237
It's not like cheating.
996
00:59:27,403 --> 00:59:28,945
Justice blew up.
997
00:59:29,946 --> 00:59:31,030
Here's the plan.
998
00:59:31,155 --> 00:59:33,366
First we find out
where they're shooting this movie.
999
00:59:33,533 --> 00:59:37,035
And after we bust that shit up,
we can start looking for the monkey.
1000
00:59:37,245 --> 00:59:38,412
But before we do any of that,
1001
00:59:38,579 --> 00:59:40,497
we gotta find a mother fucker
in the know.
1002
00:59:40,664 --> 00:59:41,957
Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood.
1003
00:59:42,123 --> 00:59:43,500
Crack. Want some crack.
1004
00:59:44,626 --> 00:59:45,710
Get you high.
1005
00:59:45,876 --> 00:59:47,628
No, but do you want some weed?
1006
00:59:48,546 --> 00:59:50,047
Are you on the job?
1007
00:59:50,214 --> 00:59:52,924
Yeah. Jersey local 404.
1008
00:59:54,717 --> 00:59:57,303
Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305.
1009
00:59:57,345 --> 00:59:59,888
- What up?
1010
01:00:00,931 --> 01:00:02,474
- Man, it's a small world.
1011
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:03,807
Let me ask you a question.
1012
01:00:03,974 --> 01:00:06,143
You dudes getting medical out
there in Jersey?
1013
01:00:06,351 --> 01:00:08,896
No.
We might have to strike in September.
1014
01:00:09,063 --> 01:00:11,982
Norma Rae like a mother fucker.
1015
01:00:12,149 --> 01:00:13,024
Maybe you can help us out?
1016
01:00:13,191 --> 01:00:15,025
You know where they're shooting
a movie around here?
1017
01:00:15,192 --> 01:00:17,069
You ask me a question like that
in Holly-weird?
1018
01:00:17,236 --> 01:00:20,072
You got to come a little
more specific than that.
1019
01:00:20,239 --> 01:00:21,114
It's a Miramax flick.
1020
01:00:21,281 --> 01:00:22,282
We gotta bust it up...
1021
01:00:22,490 --> 01:00:24,242
so people stop calling us names
on the internet...
1022
01:00:24,450 --> 01:00:25,827
even though they're not really
talking about us...
1023
01:00:26,035 --> 01:00:28,787
but characters based on us,
and at the same time...
1024
01:00:28,954 --> 01:00:32,207
find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed
in a car explosion, monkey.
1025
01:00:33,291 --> 01:00:36,753
Man, I don't know what the fuck
you just said, little kid...
1026
01:00:36,920 --> 01:00:39,004
but you're special.
1027
01:00:39,171 --> 01:00:40,380
You reached out...
1028
01:00:40,547 --> 01:00:43,008
and you touched a brother's gear.
1029
01:00:43,717 --> 01:00:44,925
I'm gonna give you some directions.
1030
01:00:45,092 --> 01:00:46,010
Give me the map, Scott.
1031
01:00:46,635 --> 01:00:47,761
Give me the map, Scott!
1032
01:00:48,345 --> 01:00:49,472
You know where Miramax is?
1033
01:00:50,180 --> 01:00:54,309
Miramax accounts for 78%
of my business out here.
1034
01:00:57,728 --> 01:00:59,855
Is Hollywood ready for
Jay and Silent Bob?
1035
01:00:59,980 --> 01:01:02,773
A source at a Federal Wildlife
Marshall's office tells us...
1036
01:01:02,899 --> 01:01:05,902
that a posting was pulled off
an internet movie chat board...
1037
01:01:06,027 --> 01:01:09,571
allegedly written by
the two domestic terrorists themselves.
1038
01:01:09,738 --> 01:01:12,157
It's sending a shock-wave
through Hollywood.
1039
01:01:12,199 --> 01:01:14,492
Jules Asner is on the scene at
Miramax Studios. Jules-
1040
01:01:14,658 --> 01:01:18,369
Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is
one of terror today...
1041
01:01:18,495 --> 01:01:21,163
after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's
Office has learned that...
1042
01:01:21,330 --> 01:01:24,874
hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob
have targeted Miramax studios...
1043
01:01:25,041 --> 01:01:28,878
for their next campaign of blood,
violence and monkey theft.
1044
01:01:29,086 --> 01:01:32,088
In a posting pulled off of Movie
Poop-Shoot. Com...
1045
01:01:32,964 --> 01:01:34,801
the gruesome two-some threatened,
and I quote...
1046
01:01:35,009 --> 01:01:39,054
"Once we get to Hollywood and find
those Miramax expletive deleted..."
1047
01:01:39,262 --> 01:01:41,264
"who are making the Bluntman &
Chronic movie..."
1048
01:01:41,389 --> 01:01:44,016
"we're gonna make them eat
our expletive deleted..."
1049
01:01:46,811 --> 01:01:49,896
"then eat their expletive deleted
which is made up of..."
1050
01:01:50,063 --> 01:01:53,649
"our expletive deleted that
we made them eat." Unquote.
1051
01:01:53,857 --> 01:01:55,858
So far we've been unable to
get a statement...
1052
01:01:55,983 --> 01:01:57,527
from anyone here at the Studio.
1053
01:01:57,693 --> 01:02:00,487
But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?
1054
01:02:00,695 --> 01:02:01,738
None whatsoever.
1055
01:02:01,947 --> 01:02:04,200
But to be fair, no one is a
hundred percent sure...
1056
01:02:04,242 --> 01:02:06,409
what Jay and Silent Bob
exactly look like...
1057
01:02:06,535 --> 01:02:08,829
so for all we know they could
already be on the lot.
1058
01:02:30,887 --> 01:02:33,766
OK, he's got a pass.
Let him in.
1059
01:02:35,308 --> 01:02:38,270
We gotta play this just right.
1060
01:02:48,986 --> 01:02:50,904
You don't have a pass!
1061
01:03:11,963 --> 01:03:13,798
I hate how fake Hollywood is.
1062
01:03:14,466 --> 01:03:16,758
Where do you think you're going?
1063
01:03:20,512 --> 01:03:23,764
Echo base, I've got a 1007-
Two unauthorized on the lot.
1064
01:03:23,931 --> 01:03:25,183
Requesting back-up.
1065
01:03:25,349 --> 01:03:26,851
I thought that was a 1082.
1066
01:03:27,018 --> 01:03:29,102
No, sir,
a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker...
1067
01:03:29,269 --> 01:03:30,855
from Ben Affleck's trailer.
1068
01:03:30,980 --> 01:03:31,981
Oh, that Affleck.
1069
01:03:32,148 --> 01:03:33,356
Back-up on the way.
1070
01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:34,608
I'll make you a deal.
1071
01:03:34,775 --> 01:03:37,277
This guy will suck your
dick off if you let us go.
1072
01:03:37,444 --> 01:03:38,778
Contrary to what you believe...
1073
01:03:38,944 --> 01:03:41,821
not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.
1074
01:03:42,030 --> 01:03:44,449
How about this deal?
1075
01:03:44,490 --> 01:03:46,867
He'll suck my dick while you
watch and jerk-off?
1076
01:03:48,952 --> 01:03:49,745
Alright.
1077
01:03:51,788 --> 01:03:53,956
Make it fast-and sexy.
1078
01:03:54,832 --> 01:03:55,875
It's either this or jail.
1079
01:03:56,541 --> 01:03:58,127
And you know
what they do to you in jail.
1080
01:03:58,920 --> 01:03:59,921
I was a guard.
1081
01:04:04,216 --> 01:04:07,885
And after it's all over you say,
"Ooh, what a lovely tea party."
1082
01:04:19,102 --> 01:04:20,644
What the fuck you waiting for, bitch?
1083
01:04:20,852 --> 01:04:22,229
Start sucking.
1084
01:04:33,781 --> 01:04:34,573
Worth a shot.
1085
01:04:35,783 --> 01:04:37,742
Like a shot in the fucking mouth,
you gay bitch.
1086
01:04:38,868 --> 01:04:41,204
Dude,
you were gonna really suck my dick.
1087
01:04:46,834 --> 01:04:48,210
Remember what I said.
1088
01:04:48,418 --> 01:04:53,297
Do not look at Ben or Matt directly
in the eyes or you will be fired.
1089
01:04:53,464 --> 01:04:55,339
Does everybody understand that?
1090
01:04:55,507 --> 01:04:56,800
Thank you.
1091
01:05:00,137 --> 01:05:02,054
You frosted your hair.
1092
01:05:03,639 --> 01:05:05,850
Yeah, I frosted my hair,
but it looks good.
1093
01:05:06,766 --> 01:05:09,352
This has got to be the Bluntman flick.
1094
01:05:09,394 --> 01:05:11,604
There are those two fucks
from the Mork movie.
1095
01:05:11,646 --> 01:05:13,772
Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face?
1096
01:05:13,981 --> 01:05:18,776
Lion face! Lemon face!
1097
01:05:18,943 --> 01:05:19,986
Break it down.
1098
01:05:20,194 --> 01:05:21,904
Where we taking it from, Gus?
1099
01:05:24,948 --> 01:05:25,907
I'm busy.
1100
01:05:26,116 --> 01:05:27,493
You're a true artist, Gus.
1101
01:05:27,618 --> 01:05:28,703
Let's just take it from
"it's a good course".
1102
01:05:28,744 --> 01:05:29,786
You're the director now?
1103
01:05:29,953 --> 01:05:30,828
Shove it, "Bounce"-boy.
1104
01:05:30,995 --> 01:05:31,787
Let's remember who talked who...
1105
01:05:31,954 --> 01:05:33,748
into doing this shit in the first place
1106
01:05:33,873 --> 01:05:35,415
Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing,
but-.
1107
01:05:35,582 --> 01:05:39,335
I'm sorry I dragged you away from
whatever gay serial killers...
1108
01:05:39,502 --> 01:05:41,503
who ride horses and like to play golf
1109
01:05:41,712 --> 01:05:43,380
touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.
1110
01:05:43,505 --> 01:05:45,549
I take it you haven't seen
"Forces Of Nature".
1111
01:05:45,716 --> 01:05:46,383
You're like a child.
1112
01:05:46,550 --> 01:05:47,425
What do I keep telling you?
1113
01:05:47,592 --> 01:05:50,136
You gotta do the safe picture-
then you do the art picture.
1114
01:05:50,303 --> 01:05:51,929
And then sometimes you have to
do the payback picture...
1115
01:05:52,096 --> 01:05:54,097
because your friend says you owe him.
1116
01:05:56,224 --> 01:05:57,893
Then sometimes you have to
go back to the well.
1117
01:05:57,934 --> 01:05:59,560
And then sometimes you do
"Reindeer Games."
1118
01:05:59,810 --> 01:06:00,728
That's just mean.
1119
01:06:00,978 --> 01:06:04,856
All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to them.
1120
01:06:06,690 --> 01:06:08,776
Get over here.
1121
01:06:08,859 --> 01:06:10,902
You stand here,
your buddy's right here.
1122
01:06:11,068 --> 01:06:12,570
Just stand here and react.
1123
01:06:12,737 --> 01:06:15,198
Don't say anything. Especially you.
1124
01:06:16,740 --> 01:06:18,700
That's pretty funny.
1125
01:06:18,825 --> 01:06:21,036
Lock it up, people,
we're going for picture.
1126
01:06:21,827 --> 01:06:23,037
Make it happen, guys.
1127
01:06:23,204 --> 01:06:24,413
- Get you fucking hands off me.
1128
01:06:24,581 --> 01:06:25,749
- Fuck off!
1129
01:06:26,833 --> 01:06:28,793
On the count of three,
we rush these fucks and...
1130
01:06:28,834 --> 01:06:30,377
beat the shit out of them,
because if they're all fucked up...
1131
01:06:30,419 --> 01:06:31,921
they can't make that movie.
1132
01:06:33,296 --> 01:06:37,550
Ready? One... two... three!
1133
01:06:37,717 --> 01:06:41,220
"Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season."
Scene 16 Take 5.
1134
01:06:45,013 --> 01:06:46,932
Think about the paycheck.
OK.
1135
01:06:53,897 --> 01:06:55,107
Action, Gus?
1136
01:06:55,232 --> 01:06:56,732
Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy.
1137
01:07:00,820 --> 01:07:03,279
I do remember the class.
1138
01:07:03,363 --> 01:07:05,740
But elementary.
1139
01:07:05,907 --> 01:07:07,534
I remember that class.
1140
01:07:07,700 --> 01:07:10,327
It was just between recess and lunch.
1141
01:07:10,494 --> 01:07:12,830
Are we gonna have a problem- again?
1142
01:07:12,955 --> 01:07:16,666
I was still just hoping you might
be able to give me a little insight...
1143
01:07:16,833 --> 01:07:19,001
into the Southern Colonies.
1144
01:07:19,835 --> 01:07:21,377
Wood says...
1145
01:07:21,544 --> 01:07:23,046
What did I say?
1146
01:07:23,255 --> 01:07:25,424
You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.
1147
01:07:25,590 --> 01:07:27,508
But you forget about Vickers.
1148
01:07:27,550 --> 01:07:29,343
No, I just read Vickers.
1149
01:07:29,551 --> 01:07:30,927
So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth".
1150
01:07:31,094 --> 01:07:35,264
But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant, young mind you once were...
1151
01:07:35,472 --> 01:07:39,308
just itching to vent your frustrations.
1152
01:07:39,475 --> 01:07:41,769
You stopped hitting the books
with a vengeance...
1153
01:07:41,978 --> 01:07:47,149
and now I've read shit you haven't
even heard about yet.
1154
01:07:47,315 --> 01:07:48,567
Face facts, my friend.
1155
01:07:48,735 --> 01:07:50,902
You're just no longer that good...
1156
01:07:51,069 --> 01:07:52,154
Will Hunting.
1157
01:07:56,906 --> 01:08:01,118
Now how do you like them apples?
1158
01:08:03,454 --> 01:08:05,748
I don't like the sound of them apples,
Will.
1159
01:08:05,956 --> 01:08:07,415
What're we gonna do?
1160
01:08:07,582 --> 01:08:08,207
- Chuckie-
1161
01:08:08,416 --> 01:08:09,584
- Yeah?
1162
01:08:09,792 --> 01:08:11,669
Chuckie- it's hunting season.
1163
01:08:16,715 --> 01:08:18,090
Apple sauce, bitch.
1164
01:08:21,011 --> 01:08:24,138
Sorry to interrupt, but we've
got a 1007 on our hands.
1165
01:08:24,305 --> 01:08:25,848
Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben?
1166
01:08:25,973 --> 01:08:27,183
Bullshit!
1167
01:08:27,349 --> 01:08:29,351
Cause I wasn't with a hooker today.
1168
01:08:30,518 --> 01:08:31,352
There they are!
1169
01:08:32,144 --> 01:08:34,313
Affleck,
you were the bomb in "Phantoms".
1170
01:09:16,805 --> 01:09:18,890
Alright, you bastard,
let's see who you really are.
1171
01:09:23,686 --> 01:09:25,772
Fucking Miramax! Cut!
1172
01:09:28,732 --> 01:09:30,025
Shannen, usually I say "Cut".
1173
01:09:30,192 --> 01:09:31,610
A monkey, Wes?
1174
01:09:31,777 --> 01:09:33,903
You guys aren't even trying anymore.
1175
01:09:35,738 --> 01:09:37,740
The market research
says people love monkeys.
1176
01:09:41,118 --> 01:09:42,536
We love this monkey.
1177
01:09:44,705 --> 01:09:46,080
See.
1178
01:09:46,205 --> 01:09:47,707
Here they are.
1179
01:10:06,389 --> 01:10:08,057
Punch it!
1180
01:10:11,768 --> 01:10:12,894
Fuck!
1181
01:10:20,026 --> 01:10:21,901
Those are some magical guys.
1182
01:10:36,622 --> 01:10:39,624
Dude, I fucking knew it.
1183
01:10:40,292 --> 01:10:42,627
You love that shit, don't you?
1184
01:10:45,838 --> 01:10:47,715
Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt.
1185
01:10:47,882 --> 01:10:49,799
Are you guys alright?
1186
01:10:50,717 --> 01:10:52,302
Let's get you guys on your feet.
1187
01:11:03,685 --> 01:11:06,563
Wait a second- aren't you the guy
that fucked the pie?
1188
01:11:07,438 --> 01:11:09,440
You see, man - you see!
1189
01:11:09,565 --> 01:11:12,693
It's never, "Hey, you were in
Loser, weren't you?"
1190
01:11:12,817 --> 01:11:15,654
Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls"
1191
01:11:15,696 --> 01:11:18,366
It always comes back to
that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it.
1192
01:11:18,531 --> 01:11:20,283
- You put your dick in a pie.
- Enough!
1193
01:11:21,409 --> 01:11:22,452
I'm Jason Biggs.
1194
01:11:22,619 --> 01:11:25,913
Did you really get to 3rd base with
that Russian chick like in the movie?
1195
01:11:26,121 --> 01:11:28,582
You mean Shannon?
1196
01:11:28,791 --> 01:11:29,583
No.
1197
01:11:29,792 --> 01:11:31,125
She is fucking fine.
1198
01:11:31,334 --> 01:11:33,419
If I was you, I would've been like-
1199
01:11:38,714 --> 01:11:40,842
You like that?
1200
01:11:41,009 --> 01:11:43,344
What, you never did one of these?
1201
01:11:48,932 --> 01:11:50,892
I've done plenty of that, my friend.
1202
01:11:51,101 --> 01:11:53,353
Holy shit, you're the Dawson.
1203
01:11:53,519 --> 01:11:55,187
James- James Van Der Beek.
1204
01:11:55,396 --> 01:11:57,523
What's up with Pacey stealing
Joey away from you?
1205
01:11:57,648 --> 01:11:59,774
If I was you, I would have
drowned his ass in the creek.
1206
01:11:59,941 --> 01:12:04,112
Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine.
1207
01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:06,321
Ever get to 3rd base with her?
1208
01:12:06,530 --> 01:12:09,658
There was this one time- Wait a minute,
who are you guys?
1209
01:12:10,741 --> 01:12:13,159
They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass.
1210
01:12:13,660 --> 01:12:14,704
- Right?
1211
01:12:14,870 --> 01:12:16,664
- Of course.
1212
01:12:17,497 --> 01:12:18,997
Stunt doubles for what?
1213
01:12:19,164 --> 01:12:21,250
For the move that we're shooting
in about fifteen minutes.
1214
01:12:21,458 --> 01:12:23,167
Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back.
1215
01:12:23,334 --> 01:12:25,670
You're doubling me, obviously,
1216
01:12:25,837 --> 01:12:28,714
I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill
1217
01:12:28,839 --> 01:12:30,257
- Bob.
- Right.
1218
01:12:30,424 --> 01:12:32,676
And he's playing Chronic.
1219
01:12:32,884 --> 01:12:34,427
A.K.A. Ray.
1220
01:12:34,593 --> 01:12:35,678
Jay. Fuck!
1221
01:12:35,928 --> 01:12:37,514
Biggs, did you even read the script?
1222
01:12:37,723 --> 01:12:38,390
There's a script?
1223
01:12:38,598 --> 01:12:39,933
Hey, pie-fucker,
1224
01:12:40,141 --> 01:12:43,060
you would only last a day on
"The Creek".
1225
01:12:43,269 --> 01:12:45,146
Wait second, we'll be right back.
1226
01:12:45,354 --> 01:12:46,687
Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack".
1227
01:12:46,854 --> 01:12:48,564
Go to hell, Pacey.
1228
01:12:51,150 --> 01:12:52,316
These are the fucks that are playing us
1229
01:12:52,483 --> 01:12:55,611
You take 'em out, bam!, no movie.
1230
01:12:56,863 --> 01:12:59,114
Useless little ape.
1231
01:12:59,281 --> 01:13:02,367
What's with the weird,
gay huddle going on over there?
1232
01:13:02,534 --> 01:13:03,743
Let me put my arm over yours.
1233
01:13:03,909 --> 01:13:04,952
What's gay about it?
1234
01:13:05,161 --> 01:13:06,245
It's two guys talking in a corner.
1235
01:13:06,370 --> 01:13:09,539
Why are you such a homophobe?
1236
01:13:09,748 --> 01:13:12,209
You're always like "That's gay,"
or "Look at that gay huddle..."
1237
01:13:12,460 --> 01:13:13,586
"look at that gay dog."
1238
01:13:13,753 --> 01:13:14,628
Dude, that is so gay-
1239
01:13:14,754 --> 01:13:16,046
Yeah, see.
1240
01:13:16,296 --> 01:13:18,923
- I love gay people.
1241
01:13:19,090 --> 01:13:19,758
- I'm sure you do.
1242
01:13:19,883 --> 01:13:21,967
Look at the monkey.
1243
01:13:22,134 --> 01:13:23,968
Now you're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.
1244
01:13:24,093 --> 01:13:26,429
How do you know
he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
1245
01:13:26,471 --> 01:13:28,764
He's so cute.
1246
01:13:30,974 --> 01:13:33,809
You go in there and start swinging,
don't stop until these young...
1247
01:13:33,976 --> 01:13:35,395
Hollywood fucks are out of commission.
1248
01:13:35,437 --> 01:13:36,730
Ready? Break!
1249
01:13:44,069 --> 01:13:45,945
That's one funky monkey.
1250
01:13:48,573 --> 01:13:50,908
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.
1251
01:13:50,991 --> 01:13:53,243
There are two intruders on the lot.
1252
01:13:53,410 --> 01:13:55,495
They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.
1253
01:13:56,828 --> 01:13:58,789
Yeah, they're in here.
1254
01:13:59,413 --> 01:14:00,831
Do they have you held hostage?
1255
01:14:00,873 --> 01:14:02,290
Should we call your publicist?
1256
01:14:02,499 --> 01:14:03,083
No.
1257
01:14:03,249 --> 01:14:05,877
We kicked those guys assess bad.
1258
01:14:06,044 --> 01:14:08,087
Real bad.
1259
01:14:08,253 --> 01:14:09,880
Great job, sirs.
1260
01:14:10,005 --> 01:14:11,883
If you'll let us in,
we'll take over from here.
1261
01:14:12,008 --> 01:14:15,344
No,
me and Jason Biggs are naked in here.
1262
01:14:15,552 --> 01:14:17,221
Butt-naked. Together.
1263
01:14:17,721 --> 01:14:23,601
Okay. Well, we'll wait out here
until you clean up.
1264
01:14:34,111 --> 01:14:36,653
How are we gonna get out
without them seeing us?
1265
01:14:42,658 --> 01:14:43,534
You've got the wrong guys.
1266
01:14:43,701 --> 01:14:45,577
Doesn't anybody watch the WB?
1267
01:14:45,744 --> 01:14:47,371
I'm a teen idol, dammit!
1268
01:14:47,496 --> 01:14:48,621
Don't you recognize me?
1269
01:14:48,830 --> 01:14:50,289
Look at me.
1270
01:14:50,331 --> 01:14:51,749
I'm the pie-fucker!
1271
01:14:53,668 --> 01:14:56,670
In prison, he'll be the pie.
1272
01:14:59,339 --> 01:15:00,631
This was a good idea, lunch-box.
1273
01:15:00,840 --> 01:15:02,216
In these outfits...
1274
01:15:02,258 --> 01:15:03,592
we're totally incognito.
1275
01:15:03,759 --> 01:15:05,302
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
1276
01:15:06,636 --> 01:15:08,263
Great, you've changed costumes already.
1277
01:15:08,388 --> 01:15:09,390
Let's get you to the set.
1278
01:15:09,557 --> 01:15:10,933
The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
1279
01:15:14,476 --> 01:15:15,728
Look at all these crackers.
1280
01:15:15,894 --> 01:15:18,730
70 million dollars
and I can't even get a black grip.
1281
01:15:18,855 --> 01:15:20,773
It's a shame. It's a damn shame!
1282
01:15:20,982 --> 01:15:22,525
Here's your coffee, sir.
1283
01:15:23,108 --> 01:15:24,860
- You spit in this?
- I didn't spit in it.
1284
01:15:25,027 --> 01:15:26,320
Any boogers in it?
1285
01:15:26,528 --> 01:15:27,738
There's no boogers in it, sir.
1286
01:15:27,821 --> 01:15:29,030
You went to film school, didn't you?
1287
01:15:29,155 --> 01:15:32,408
Must piss you off to see a black man
run a big production like this.
1288
01:15:33,326 --> 01:15:35,118
Go to the school.
1289
01:15:35,327 --> 01:15:38,621
Does your daddy know that
you give a nigger his coffee?
1290
01:15:38,788 --> 01:15:40,332
It would kill him, wouldn't it?
1291
01:15:41,165 --> 01:15:42,833
- There's no boogers in it, sir.
- Ten taste it!
1292
01:15:43,667 --> 01:15:46,003
Taste the booger flavor.
1293
01:15:46,170 --> 01:15:47,420
I know it's in there.
1294
01:15:48,628 --> 01:15:49,338
It's all good, sir.
1295
01:15:49,504 --> 01:15:50,589
No it ain't all good.
1296
01:15:50,672 --> 01:15:51,715
Clean that shit up.
1297
01:15:51,923 --> 01:15:53,174
Get me a white boy.
1298
01:15:53,341 --> 01:15:56,969
Get me a blond haired,
white boy so I can enjoy that shit.
1299
01:15:57,219 --> 01:15:57,637
- You're the man, sir.
1300
01:15:57,845 --> 01:15:59,846
- No, you're the man
and that's the problem.
1301
01:16:00,764 --> 01:16:03,183
Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards,
the creator of Bluntman & Chronic.
1302
01:16:03,266 --> 01:16:05,643
We met a few weeks back.
1303
01:16:05,851 --> 01:16:07,187
I'm the executive Producer.
1304
01:16:07,354 --> 01:16:09,647
Oh, you're the Executive Producer.
1305
01:16:09,813 --> 01:16:12,691
Why don't you executive produce me
a latte- de-crackernated.
1306
01:16:12,900 --> 01:16:13,984
Okay, Fuck it?
1307
01:16:14,109 --> 01:16:14,652
- It's Banky.
1308
01:16:14,860 --> 01:16:16,277
No, its' Fuck it!
1309
01:16:16,444 --> 01:16:18,655
I just want you to know that
I respect your work as an artist.
1310
01:16:18,821 --> 01:16:20,323
I 'm something of an artist myself.
1311
01:16:20,490 --> 01:16:22,074
I was the inker on the comic book.
1312
01:16:22,282 --> 01:16:23,867
You're a tracer, okay?
1313
01:16:24,034 --> 01:16:25,534
Nobody got the heart to tell you.
1314
01:16:25,701 --> 01:16:26,035
You trace.
1315
01:16:26,202 --> 01:16:26,786
You go around the lines.
1316
01:16:26,952 --> 01:16:28,537
You are a tracer!
1317
01:16:28,579 --> 01:16:30,039
You think Fat Alber had a tracer?
1318
01:16:30,247 --> 01:16:30,706
No.
1319
01:16:30,915 --> 01:16:32,500
Bill Cosby did the whole thing
with a roller.
1320
01:16:32,708 --> 01:16:33,833
And it was excellent.
1321
01:16:36,252 --> 01:16:38,672
Crack, crack, cracker?
1322
01:16:38,879 --> 01:16:40,381
Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set,
Chaka.
1323
01:16:40,422 --> 01:16:41,882
I don't see them!
1324
01:16:42,091 --> 01:16:44,176
Where are the stars of
this piece of shit?
1325
01:17:00,731 --> 01:17:03,482
Damn, this must've set them back
a couple hundred bucks.
1326
01:17:07,361 --> 01:17:07,778
Look at this.
1327
01:17:08,027 --> 01:17:10,863
A gay hood ornament
and the color purple.
1328
01:17:11,030 --> 01:17:11,906
Who the fuck are you?
1329
01:17:12,073 --> 01:17:12,699
Who the fuck am I?
1330
01:17:12,865 --> 01:17:14,449
I'm the director, Chaka Luther King.
1331
01:17:14,574 --> 01:17:15,575
That's who the fuck I am.
1332
01:17:15,617 --> 01:17:16,576
Wait a second.
1333
01:17:16,743 --> 01:17:18,287
I though Banky and Holden
created this shit.
1334
01:17:18,328 --> 01:17:19,829
And I 'm stealing it.
1335
01:17:19,996 --> 01:17:21,747
I'm taking it back for the black man...
1336
01:17:21,872 --> 01:17:25,250
to make up for all the shit you
mother fuckers have taken from us.
1337
01:17:25,417 --> 01:17:27,753
Do you know that I came up for
the idea for "Sesame Street"?
1338
01:17:27,962 --> 01:17:29,588
I came up with it before PBS.
1339
01:17:29,755 --> 01:17:30,881
The white man stole it.
1340
01:17:31,089 --> 01:17:34,175
I was gonna call it
NWP- Niggers With Puppets.
1341
01:17:34,217 --> 01:17:37,219
Catchy, ain't it?
1342
01:17:37,386 --> 01:17:38,636
Enough of this small talk.
1343
01:17:38,803 --> 01:17:39,679
Let's shoot.
1344
01:17:40,513 --> 01:17:41,597
Aren't you gonna direct us?
1345
01:17:41,764 --> 01:17:43,807
I will start directing you to the
unemployment line...
1346
01:17:43,849 --> 01:17:45,809
if you don't stop back-talking me,
cracker.
1347
01:17:46,518 --> 01:17:47,477
We don't know what we're doing.
1348
01:17:47,686 --> 01:17:48,478
We didn't read the script.
1349
01:17:48,686 --> 01:17:49,312
It ain't hard.
1350
01:17:49,478 --> 01:17:51,272
I film the mother fucker.
1351
01:17:51,439 --> 01:17:52,565
Then I yell "Cut!"
1352
01:17:52,732 --> 01:17:55,108
And run the fuck out of here
and go to my trailer...
1353
01:17:55,275 --> 01:17:59,154
cause I got more white girls there than
the first lifeboat on the Titanic.
1354
01:17:59,279 --> 01:18:00,904
And they all want a party in my movie,
1355
01:18:01,071 --> 01:18:02,823
and I got just the part for me.
1356
01:18:02,990 --> 01:18:03,950
So are you ready to do this?
1357
01:18:04,117 --> 01:18:05,744
Let's roll with the new.
1358
01:18:07,453 --> 01:18:09,622
Quiet on the set, everyone.
1359
01:18:10,664 --> 01:18:12,582
I got your new coffee sir, booger-free.
1360
01:18:15,334 --> 01:18:17,085
You guys look pretty bad-ass.
1361
01:18:17,960 --> 01:18:20,588
"Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back",
scene 37, take 1.
1362
01:18:26,719 --> 01:18:27,553
What're you waiting for?
1363
01:18:27,720 --> 01:18:28,971
Action!
1364
01:18:33,642 --> 01:18:37,186
Um... snoochy-boochies.
1365
01:18:40,939 --> 01:18:42,815
What the fuck?
1366
01:18:51,780 --> 01:18:55,199
You thought I'd never find
your precious Bluntcave...
1367
01:18:55,407 --> 01:18:57,534
did you, Hemp Knight?
1368
01:18:57,660 --> 01:19:02,039
But now, you and your sidekick...
1369
01:19:02,081 --> 01:19:06,417
are finally
in the grasp of Cock-Knocker!
1370
01:19:10,212 --> 01:19:12,631
Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
1371
01:19:12,798 --> 01:19:14,633
Actually,
there's a funny story behind that.
1372
01:19:15,676 --> 01:19:16,133
You're gonna love it.
1373
01:19:16,384 --> 01:19:17,510
True story.
1374
01:19:20,263 --> 01:19:23,599
Avenge me... Hemp-Knight.
1375
01:19:29,728 --> 01:19:32,231
I think George Lucas
is gonna sue somebody.
1376
01:19:33,648 --> 01:19:38,319
Any last words before I bust
your balls, Bluntman?
1377
01:20:24,774 --> 01:20:25,941
Duck, pie-fucker.
1378
01:20:28,360 --> 01:20:29,737
Damn, these white boys can't fight.
1379
01:20:31,863 --> 01:20:33,781
Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son.
1380
01:20:39,369 --> 01:20:40,745
Yo! Bitch-fists!
1381
01:20:44,456 --> 01:20:47,834
Call me Darth-balls.
1382
01:20:48,877 --> 01:20:50,169
Good Lord.
1383
01:20:54,715 --> 01:20:55,965
That wasn't in the script.
1384
01:21:24,782 --> 01:21:25,783
So this is Hollywood?
1385
01:21:26,992 --> 01:21:30,954
Then lights, camera, action,
Jay and Silent Bob.
1386
01:21:34,290 --> 01:21:36,375
Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!
1387
01:21:37,709 --> 01:21:41,255
...My God...
1388
01:21:46,634 --> 01:21:47,926
Sorry, everyone.
1389
01:21:48,093 --> 01:21:49,427
That was supposed to be a warning shot.
1390
01:21:49,636 --> 01:21:51,680
I'm obviously on the wrong set.
1391
01:21:52,638 --> 01:21:54,222
Is he gonna be okay?
1392
01:21:56,099 --> 01:21:56,849
Not good.
1393
01:22:03,272 --> 01:22:05,773
You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.
1394
01:22:14,322 --> 01:22:16,533
This movie's gonna make "House Party"
look like "House Party 2".
1395
01:22:16,616 --> 01:22:18,785
- Or "House Party 3".
1396
01:22:18,910 --> 01:22:19,953
- Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.
1397
01:22:21,413 --> 01:22:24,290
Chaka, call off Dawson, will you?
1398
01:22:29,042 --> 01:22:30,961
Can I get a "cut!" here?
1399
01:22:36,632 --> 01:22:37,758
Not again.
1400
01:22:39,759 --> 01:22:41,886
Now who's balls have been busted, bitch
1401
01:22:42,762 --> 01:22:43,805
That's it! I'm out of here.
1402
01:22:43,930 --> 01:22:45,348
Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.
1403
01:22:47,224 --> 01:22:48,142
What the fuck?
1404
01:22:48,309 --> 01:22:50,436
The C.L.I.T. Stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob.
1405
01:22:50,477 --> 01:22:52,562
Another white boy in this movie? Damn!
1406
01:22:53,730 --> 01:22:55,274
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
1407
01:22:55,316 --> 01:22:56,942
Everyone stay cool.
1408
01:22:57,026 --> 01:22:58,860
Go back to making your adult movie.
1409
01:22:58,902 --> 01:23:00,695
These men are the leaders of
a terrorist organization...
1410
01:23:00,862 --> 01:23:02,905
wanted for the abduction of
a little monkey.
1411
01:23:03,071 --> 01:23:04,698
They didn't really steal that monkey.
1412
01:23:04,823 --> 01:23:07,950
It was just a diversion so
that we could steal these.
1413
01:23:08,117 --> 01:23:09,409
And they're not the leaders of
the C.L.I.T.
1414
01:23:09,618 --> 01:23:10,994
The C.L.I.T. Is not real.
1415
01:23:11,161 --> 01:23:13,205
Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real.
1416
01:23:13,414 --> 01:23:14,457
It's real.
1417
01:23:14,664 --> 01:23:17,167
It's the female orgasm- that's the myth
1418
01:23:17,334 --> 01:23:18,668
You know what I 'm talking about?
1419
01:23:19,336 --> 01:23:20,377
Are you guys alright?
1420
01:23:20,502 --> 01:23:22,755
I thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck.
1421
01:23:22,922 --> 01:23:25,591
You remembered.
1422
01:23:25,716 --> 01:23:28,092
It was a frame-up, Jay.
1423
01:23:28,259 --> 01:23:32,553
Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I
are international jewel thieves.
1424
01:23:32,762 --> 01:23:33,971
We were setting you up to be a patsy...
1425
01:23:34,138 --> 01:23:37,391
but I couldn't go through with it
because I...
1426
01:23:37,558 --> 01:23:38,558
because I love you.
1427
01:23:39,351 --> 01:23:41,228
Yeah?
That means you're gonna fuck me, right?
1428
01:23:41,353 --> 01:23:41,977
Of course.
1429
01:23:42,728 --> 01:23:44,771
If she does
it'll be considered necrophilia.
1430
01:23:44,854 --> 01:23:46,856
Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
1431
01:23:48,733 --> 01:23:50,776
Jussy, did we get you at a bad time?
1432
01:23:50,984 --> 01:23:53,404
You should've just let these guys
go down.
1433
01:23:53,613 --> 01:23:55,114
I wanted to go down,
but this angel popped on my shoulder...
1434
01:23:55,156 --> 01:23:56,698
and said "Listen" and I was like
"What's up?"
1435
01:23:56,865 --> 01:23:58,951
Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
where you stand...
1436
01:23:59,117 --> 01:24:00,661
in you pansy red booties.
1437
01:24:01,494 --> 01:24:03,204
Holy shit,
I am wearing pansy red booties.
1438
01:24:03,371 --> 01:24:05,206
Why the fuck didn't you tell me?
1439
01:24:05,706 --> 01:24:06,998
Let's have those diamonds, Justice.
1440
01:24:07,207 --> 01:24:08,542
I can't do that, Sissy.
1441
01:24:08,708 --> 01:24:11,128
Then lover-boy gets one
in the fucking brain.
1442
01:24:12,129 --> 01:24:14,422
Yo! Lovely ladies!
1443
01:24:14,506 --> 01:24:16,341
Would any of you like
a private audition to be in my movie.
1444
01:24:16,383 --> 01:24:18,217
Bring that ass over. C'mon!
1445
01:24:38,567 --> 01:24:39,609
Cray crackers with guns.
1446
01:24:39,776 --> 01:24:41,278
Time to get my black ass outta here.
1447
01:24:47,199 --> 01:24:48,533
You really let me down, Justice.
1448
01:24:48,741 --> 01:24:51,328
Throwing it all away for a little
stoner with bad pronunciation.
1449
01:24:51,537 --> 01:24:52,705
What's it gonna be, Sissy?
1450
01:24:52,872 --> 01:24:55,247
Which fighting style do you want me
to kick your ass in?
1451
01:24:55,372 --> 01:24:56,748
Are you kidding me?
1452
01:24:56,957 --> 01:24:58,292
I taught you all your moves myself.
1453
01:24:58,417 --> 01:25:00,668
There's no style you can bust
that I can't defend against.
1454
01:25:00,835 --> 01:25:02,628
You're no match for my Shaolin Monk.
1455
01:25:02,795 --> 01:25:04,547
But I'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.
1456
01:25:04,672 --> 01:25:05,964
A little Venus Fly-trap?
1457
01:25:06,131 --> 01:25:08,800
I'll counter with Dragon Queen.
1458
01:25:08,842 --> 01:25:11,468
How about a little "Bitch, my man
ain't your baby's daddy"?
1459
01:25:11,635 --> 01:25:12,636
Bring it on.
1460
01:25:18,391 --> 01:25:20,101
I hope one of them rips off
the other one's shirt...
1461
01:25:20,268 --> 01:25:23,395
and we see some titties flopping
around in the air.
1462
01:25:24,980 --> 01:25:28,358
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
I just wanted to say hi. I'm-
1463
01:25:28,566 --> 01:25:29,859
Banky-fucking Edwards!
1464
01:25:30,026 --> 01:25:32,110
Just the mother fucker we came to see.
1465
01:25:32,277 --> 01:25:34,862
What the fuck are you guys doing here?
1466
01:25:40,658 --> 01:25:42,160
Why the hell are you shooting at me?
1467
01:25:42,327 --> 01:25:43,203
Two reasons.
1468
01:25:43,328 --> 01:25:46,622
One- we're walking-taking
bad girl clich�s.
1469
01:25:46,788 --> 01:25:48,624
And two- because you're a man!
1470
01:25:50,251 --> 01:25:51,960
Only on the outside.
1471
01:25:52,669 --> 01:25:54,546
Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
1472
01:25:54,713 --> 01:25:56,506
All these assholes on the internet
are calling us names...
1473
01:25:56,757 --> 01:25:58,591
because of this fucking stupid movie.
1474
01:25:58,799 --> 01:26:01,260
That's what the internet is for-
slandering others anonymously.
1475
01:26:01,427 --> 01:26:04,679
Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that.
1476
01:26:09,350 --> 01:26:10,392
This isn't fair.
1477
01:26:10,559 --> 01:26:12,436
We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.
1478
01:26:12,603 --> 01:26:15,146
We stole a monkey, we got shot at...
1479
01:26:15,355 --> 01:26:17,732
and I got punched
in the motherfucking nuts...
1480
01:26:17,899 --> 01:26:20,026
by a guy named Cock-knocker.
1481
01:26:20,193 --> 01:26:22,361
I feel for you boys, I really do.
1482
01:26:22,528 --> 01:26:24,571
But Miramax - you know, Miramax films...
1483
01:26:24,780 --> 01:26:27,323
paid me a shitload of money for
Bluntman & Chronic.
1484
01:26:27,490 --> 01:26:30,618
So it occurs to me that people
bad-mouthing you on a website...
1485
01:26:30,701 --> 01:26:33,787
is none of my fucking concern!
1486
01:26:33,995 --> 01:26:35,956
Oh, but I think it is.
1487
01:26:39,124 --> 01:26:42,378
We had a deal with you on the comics-
for likeness rights?
1488
01:26:42,586 --> 01:26:44,544
And as we're not only
the artistic basis
1489
01:26:44,710 --> 01:26:46,254
but also the character basis...
1490
01:26:46,420 --> 01:26:48,799
for your intellectual property,
Bluntman & Chronic...
1491
01:26:48,924 --> 01:26:51,842
when said property was optioned
by Miramax films...
1492
01:26:51,926 --> 01:26:54,720
you were legally obliged to
secure our permission...
1493
01:26:54,887 --> 01:26:57,264
to transfer the concept
to another medium.
1494
01:26:57,430 --> 01:26:59,724
As you failed to do that, Banky...
1495
01:26:59,766 --> 01:27:01,976
you are in breach of
the original contract.
1496
01:27:02,184 --> 01:27:03,519
Ergo, you find yourself...
1497
01:27:03,728 --> 01:27:07,523
in a very actionable position.
1498
01:27:11,694 --> 01:27:12,987
You guys are gonna ruin my movie career
1499
01:27:13,194 --> 01:27:15,363
We want something
for our mental anguish.
1500
01:27:15,405 --> 01:27:17,490
Tell you what-
we'll settle this monetarily.
1501
01:27:17,657 --> 01:27:19,241
I'll give you half of what I make.
1502
01:27:19,408 --> 01:27:20,283
Half?
1503
01:27:20,449 --> 01:27:21,075
Half's not good enough?
1504
01:27:21,200 --> 01:27:23,035
Fine. I'll give you two thirds.
1505
01:27:23,244 --> 01:27:24,579
Fuck you, you already said half.
1506
01:27:24,745 --> 01:27:26,663
You can't take it back.
1507
01:27:26,830 --> 01:27:27,873
Done.
1508
01:27:33,878 --> 01:27:36,088
Your shit is so tired, Justice.
1509
01:27:36,504 --> 01:27:40,550
Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch!
1510
01:27:50,267 --> 01:27:52,853
Hello? Truce?
1511
01:27:56,688 --> 01:27:58,481
I think I killed both of them.
1512
01:27:59,191 --> 01:28:00,482
I am an excellent marksman.
1513
01:28:00,566 --> 01:28:01,526
I've always-
1514
01:28:05,946 --> 01:28:07,072
C'mon, you guys, it's over.
1515
01:28:11,910 --> 01:28:13,328
Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck?
1516
01:28:13,453 --> 01:28:15,663
I was just about to jump in
and get your back.
1517
01:28:17,915 --> 01:28:18,540
The cops!
1518
01:28:18,665 --> 01:28:20,334
We gotta get out of here.
1519
01:28:20,375 --> 01:28:22,001
I'm tired of running.
1520
01:28:23,376 --> 01:28:26,046
Marshall... are you awake?
1521
01:28:26,838 --> 01:28:28,507
Wake up.
1522
01:28:28,673 --> 01:28:32,675
My God! I'm paralyzed.
1523
01:28:32,842 --> 01:28:35,511
That monkey shot me in the ass
and paralyzed me.
1524
01:28:36,428 --> 01:28:38,889
Oh, sweet irony!
1525
01:28:39,056 --> 01:28:39,681
You're not paralyzed.
1526
01:28:39,848 --> 01:28:42,934
It was just a tranquilizer.
1527
01:28:43,142 --> 01:28:44,811
Jesus.
1528
01:28:45,646 --> 01:28:47,772
Tranqued by a little monkey.
1529
01:28:47,939 --> 01:28:50,733
My friends in the Bureau will
never let me hear the end of this.
1530
01:28:51,567 --> 01:28:53,360
You have friends in the FBI?
1531
01:28:53,527 --> 01:28:55,695
They all made it in
but I failed the exam.
1532
01:28:55,904 --> 01:28:58,614
Why else do you think I became a
Federal Wildlife Marshall?
1533
01:28:59,741 --> 01:29:01,201
I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke!
1534
01:29:02,244 --> 01:29:03,745
Maybe not.
1535
01:29:04,662 --> 01:29:06,413
I can make you a deal
that'll get you into the FBI...
1536
01:29:06,539 --> 01:29:08,040
regardless of test scores.
1537
01:29:08,707 --> 01:29:10,499
What kind of deal?
1538
01:29:10,666 --> 01:29:12,709
You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob...
1539
01:29:12,835 --> 01:29:14,253
and say you never found the ape.
1540
01:29:14,419 --> 01:29:16,546
In exchange I will give you
the diamonds we stole...
1541
01:29:16,796 --> 01:29:18,756
and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy and myself.
1542
01:29:19,006 --> 01:29:20,508
But I want a reduced sentence.
1543
01:29:20,675 --> 01:29:22,509
You'd be willing to do that?
1544
01:29:26,513 --> 01:29:29,473
For him, I'd be willing to do anything.
1545
01:29:35,812 --> 01:29:39,189
I'm a international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.
1546
01:29:39,523 --> 01:29:41,525
That's alright.
I'm a junkie with a monkey.
1547
01:29:41,693 --> 01:29:43,695
If I go to prison will you wait for me?
1548
01:29:43,903 --> 01:29:45,154
I don't know.
1549
01:29:45,319 --> 01:29:47,405
Will you fuck me when you get out?
1550
01:29:54,411 --> 01:29:55,036
Don't change the subject.
1551
01:29:55,203 --> 01:29:56,829
Will we fuck when you get out?
1552
01:29:56,996 --> 01:29:58,581
Snoogens.
1553
01:30:05,670 --> 01:30:09,381
There's a lot of love in the room.
1554
01:30:09,840 --> 01:30:13,468
Regardless of what you may here heard,
I do not kiss guys.
1555
01:30:14,093 --> 01:30:15,178
Okay.
1556
01:30:16,179 --> 01:30:18,472
Play it cool, hotshot.
1557
01:30:22,600 --> 01:30:25,186
Sorry, Justice. We have to go.
1558
01:30:26,686 --> 01:30:27,937
And stop stealing monkeys.
1559
01:30:28,146 --> 01:30:28,897
- Fuck you!
1560
01:30:29,063 --> 01:30:30,648
- Fair enough.
1561
01:30:35,861 --> 01:30:37,320
Wait for me.
1562
01:30:37,487 --> 01:30:38,905
What? Here?
1563
01:30:52,709 --> 01:30:55,045
Well, boys- you're rich, in love-
1564
01:30:56,171 --> 01:30:57,214
You're in love-
1565
01:30:57,422 --> 01:30:59,131
And to top it off
you've got your own monkey.
1566
01:30:59,340 --> 01:31:01,299
What more could two guys from
Jersey possibly want?
1567
01:31:02,091 --> 01:31:04,302
To have these fucks stop talking
shit about us on the internet.
1568
01:31:04,344 --> 01:31:06,428
What've I been telling you?
1569
01:31:06,595 --> 01:31:08,222
There's not much you can do
to stop that.
1570
01:31:08,430 --> 01:31:11,517
Short of showing up at their house
and beating the shit out of them.
1571
01:31:19,523 --> 01:31:23,484
All the money we're making could
buy a lot of plane tickets.
1572
01:31:29,656 --> 01:31:30,240
Yeah?
1573
01:31:30,406 --> 01:31:33,492
Do you post as Magnolia Fan
on Movie Poop Shoot. Com?
1574
01:31:33,534 --> 01:31:36,493
Yeah!
1575
01:31:36,618 --> 01:31:40,456
Did you write
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob."
1576
01:31:40,665 --> 01:31:43,166
"Fuck them in their stupid asses"?
1577
01:31:43,333 --> 01:31:45,085
Yeah, a while ago. So?
1578
01:31:54,718 --> 01:31:59,097
On Movie Poop Shoot.com did
you say Jay and Silent Bob are...
1579
01:31:59,264 --> 01:32:01,891
quote, "fucking clown shoes
and if they were real...
1580
01:32:02,100 --> 01:32:04,185
"I'd kick the shit out of them for
being so stupid"?
1581
01:32:04,393 --> 01:32:05,727
- Yeah.
- Really?
1582
01:32:27,536 --> 01:32:30,122
That's right. That's it.
1583
01:32:34,041 --> 01:32:40,423
Right. That's right.
1584
01:33:03,692 --> 01:33:05,360
That's beautiful, man.
1585
01:33:05,527 --> 01:33:07,780
That was worse than Clash Of The Titans
1586
01:33:07,946 --> 01:33:10,030
I can't believe Judy Dench played me.
1587
01:33:10,280 --> 01:33:13,325
Remind me to renew
that Restraining Order.
1588
01:33:13,575 --> 01:33:14,034
Why?
1589
01:33:14,241 --> 01:33:16,327
I am gonna blast that
flick on the internet tonight.
1590
01:33:16,577 --> 01:33:19,246
Why can't Hollywood ever makes
a decent comic book movie?
1591
01:33:19,413 --> 01:33:20,830
Tell me, Steve-Dave.
1592
01:33:20,872 --> 01:33:22,248
Would you stop saying that?
1593
01:33:22,415 --> 01:33:25,292
That was just another paean
to male adolescence...
1594
01:33:25,459 --> 01:33:27,126
and its refusal to grow up.
1595
01:33:27,293 --> 01:33:29,796
Yeah, sis,
but it was better than Mall Rats.
1596
01:33:29,962 --> 01:33:32,881
At least Holden had the good
sense to keep his name off of it.
1597
01:33:33,048 --> 01:33:36,427
Why wouldn't Miramax option his
other comic instead?
1598
01:33:36,552 --> 01:33:40,180
The one with you and him
and your relationship.
1599
01:33:40,347 --> 01:33:42,390
Chasing Amy?
1600
01:33:42,682 --> 01:33:44,391
That would never work as a movie.
1601
01:33:44,558 --> 01:33:46,852
I'm so fucking embarrassed.
1602
01:33:46,977 --> 01:33:48,230
Honey, you should be.
1603
01:33:48,438 --> 01:33:49,396
They took your characters...
1604
01:33:49,563 --> 01:33:52,149
and turned them into one
90-minute long gay joke.
1605
01:33:52,316 --> 01:33:53,943
It was like watching Batman
and Robin again.
1606
01:33:54,151 --> 01:33:57,362
Thank, that means a lot coming from
the guy who pretends be "Shaft"...
1607
01:33:57,445 --> 01:33:59,988
as opposed to the guy who takes shaft.
1608
01:34:00,030 --> 01:34:02,281
I don't hear you complaining nightly.
1609
01:34:02,323 --> 01:34:04,575
I don't get out to the movies much,
but I have to say...
1610
01:34:04,700 --> 01:34:07,327
Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic.
1611
01:34:07,369 --> 01:34:09,913
Are these leg cuffs really necessary?
1612
01:34:10,080 --> 01:34:12,540
Don't make me shoot you, Justice.
1613
01:34:14,291 --> 01:34:17,002
The party's across the street featuring
the greatest band in the world...
1614
01:34:17,044 --> 01:34:19,629
Morris Day and the Time.
1615
01:34:39,104 --> 01:34:40,856
I...
1616
01:34:41,064 --> 01:34:42,982
I... I been watching you.
1617
01:34:43,190 --> 01:34:45,609
I think I want to know you.
1618
01:34:46,694 --> 01:34:49,487
I said... I�m a little dangerous.
1619
01:34:50,697 --> 01:34:54,116
Girl I'd love to show you...
1620
01:34:54,283 --> 01:34:57,369
my jungle love.
1621
01:36:07,135 --> 01:36:10,513
I'd be like, "What, you don't know
fucking Jay and Silent Bob...
1622
01:36:10,721 --> 01:36:13,390
the fucking mack-daddies of
fucking Jersey"?
1623
01:36:13,557 --> 01:36:15,683
And she'd be like "Oh, I read on
the internet that you guys..."
1624
01:36:15,892 --> 01:36:18,144
"are a couple of little fuck-holes!"
1625
01:36:58,636 --> 01:37:00,596
I got a bear skinned rug.
Y'all sing it.
1626
01:37:02,346 --> 01:37:04,515
I got a fireplace. I can't hear you.
1627
01:37:06,142 --> 01:37:08,226
We're all the way live in L.A.
1628
01:37:09,853 --> 01:37:12,439
Oh, the things I could do to you.
121841
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