Original subtitles

I was just trying to forgive myself for

fucking my life up.

Look. Can you come or?

I'm about to.

At 19, I started having sex for money.

I was in my freshman year at NYU and I was studying acting.

I don't know, I was just so confident and sexy and

just completely fearless of whatever I walked into.

I mean, during the day, I was this kind of nervous, awkward, tall, gawky guy.

And at night, I just thought I was beautiful.

I mean, these men were older.

Mid -40s.

I'd say 6 to 7 on a 10 scale.

Which, you know, I was surprised by.

Um, but I definitely felt like I was earning my money.

Not that it was necessarily even about the money.

What was it about?

Um, sex.

And connection.

Ready?

Lie down on the floor.

His hands were almost too quick.

I could tell that he was anxious.

And I thought for sure this guy is about to come in his pants right now, which

is not what I wanted.

But I reached around behind me and felt that he had a

huge dick, which surprised me and turned me

on.

So we fucked.

and it was nice.

hit the jackpot.

I was like being worshipped.

I just felt dangerous.

It was really exciting.

But between sex and connection, I feel like it was more about

sex.

I mean, I would try one thing and get kind of bored with it,

and then I would try another thing, and I was always trying to see what's next,

what now.

I didn't know much of anything about Crystal other than, you know,

some junkie on cops with, like, a bathtub of crystal meth in his basement.

sort of thing.

I basically knew enough to stay away from it.

But... Can I try some?

I had these tingles all across my scalp and down my back,

and it was like I could feel my spine.

My spinal fluid was...

waking up and moving around.

Those were some of the moments where I was really, like, it really started to

intensify that question of, like, what am I doing here?

Like, what has happened in the past year?

I can't do this much longer.

I didn't feel like I had the power anymore.

I just kept thinking, I don't want to get tested, I don't want to get tested.

A month passed by, finally I get tested, and

I test positive, and

I didn't know what to do. I just felt like I was too

young to be dealing with any of this shit.

I was 19 and I felt like I had completely

ruined everything.

But I still wanted to be that I

still wanted to be that strong that courageous that confident

Do you still want that?

Sometimes

Sometimes I worry that I've learned nothing and if given the chance I would

go back and do the entire thing over again.

Like now.