Original subtitles

Hey. Hey, Betty, wake up.

Hey.

Wake up, Mom. It's 7 .30.

Oh, no.

Scram.

It's doing their thing, which brings us to 736 in the bright, beautiful Leigh

Ann. And it's going to be Hotsville and Greater Helmet.

We're going to hear from the content of the facts, but first a reminder about

Sweetest Spring Feminine Hygiene Mist.

The newest, emptiest feminine hygiene mist to come down the pump. It'll open

a whole new world for you.

Pretty good time.

I'm sorry I overslept.

That's okay.

You know, sometimes I wish you weren't so damn well organized in the morning.

Oh, come on, Phil.

You have to read that at breakfast.

Bob, you still at that job?

Uh -huh.

Hey, listen.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?

I mean, dates or anything?

Mm -hmm.

Good. I thought I might go away for a couple of days.

Hmm. Yeah.

I just feel like a change.

You wouldn't mind, would you?

Oh, sounds great. Great idea.

Well, there'll be plenty of food in the refrigerator. You know, TV dinners

and... Ah, hell, Phil.

And you can take care of yourself.

It'll just be for a couple of days.

What you gonna be doing?

Hmm?

Doing? Want to be doing anything?

Oh, yeah.

Resting.

In bed?

What?

You'll be in bed resting.

Oh, come on. Cut it out, Phil. Hey, Betty, I'm really glad to think of you

resting. I mean, I wouldn't want to think of you not resting.

Ease me down the morning, gently from the

night.

Everybody's busy learning yesterday.

But may I'm into tomorrow.

It's a better way.

watch the sky where birds in circles fly

like I must be

Hey, where you going library, you know the big room with the books

Go ahead.

Both by D .H. Lawrence.

That's a coincidence.

Are you quite sure you're supposed to be reading these books?

Well, is there any reason I shouldn't be reading those books?

D .H. Lawrence is not for general distribution.

That's why we have a special reserve shelf.

Oh, I hadn't realized.

Now, if you're looking for reading material, I would like to recommend

more appropriate.

Appropriate? Do you know the works of Willa Carver?

Oh, that's little girl stuff.

Oh, what about Joseph Conrad?

I've read all of Conrad. Let's get back to D .H. Lawrence.

He's not a dirty writer.

He is.

Filthy dirty. I can't believe that. The next thing, you'll be bringing me

Portnoy's complaint.

Any problems, Miss Hopper? Well, I was just trying to explain to this young man

why D .H. Lawrence is not for general distribution.

Not for general distribution, I hadn't realized.

He's now on the special reserve shelf.

How unfortunate.

But you see, Fuller here needs the material for special research.

This is the other book I need, too.

Tropic of cancer.

I can't. Many thanks for your help, Miss Hobgood. Come along now, Fuller. Let's

take a walk.

Thank you, baby.

Good God, is that what I did?

Kind of.

Don't lend yourself such importance, Fuller. It was D .H. Lawrence I was

not you.

While we're at it, on exactly which shelf did you find Tropic of Cancer? It

my own copy. You should have known.

I only wish your reading had as much depth as it had scope.

I think I know what I'm reading if that's what you mean. Oh, I wish I

your confidence, Fuller.

Your last exam, for instance.

In the course of a single paragraph on Hemingway, you managed to reject honor

and courage as empty abstractions and applaud them as eternal verities.

Did I?

In the same paragraph.

Well,

to be completely honest with you... Completely honest?

Phil Fuller is completely honest?

You know, somehow that just doesn't ring true.

I was just going to say, I guess I hadn't really thought it through.

Bullshit.

And for dogs, a gestation period is approximately two months.

For chickens, 21 days. For snakes, 45 days.

For camels, 13 and a half months.

For giraffes, 14 months. And for elephants, 22 months.

We have time for a few questions.

Wilkie? Sir, in regard to the gestation period of larger animals, particularly

something like an elephant.

Well, what about an elephant?

Well, I was wondering if the protracted gestation period was directly related to

the sexual act itself.

I don't think I understand you, Wilkie. I think I can help out. I understand.

It takes nine months to make a human baby and 22 months for an

elephant baby.

Now, what we're wondering is, does it also take longer for an elephant to do

I'm sure. I don't know.

Now that we're through with Mr. McDonough and Mr. Fuller and their

elephants, I would like to cover with you a new report in the medical journal

dealing with masturbation. These latest studies would seem to indicate that

masturbation, when not practiced to excess, would not normally yield what we

would call harmful symptoms, either psychologically or physically.

Hence, while not to be recommended, of course.

The journal indicated that for modern young adults, this would not be the

possible solution for premarital sex prejudice.

Yes, Fuller.

Mr. Ames, could this report be taken to mean that masturbation does not lead to

blindness and nervous disorders?

As I said, Fuller, there is no indication of psychological or physical

not practiced in excess.

T .H. Lawrence said it turns people into idiots.

All I can say is to repeat my earlier remark.

When not practiced in excess, there is no indication... How could you define

excess, sir? How many times a day?

Twenty -five bucks?

Twenty -five bucks.

Okay, go ahead and fix it. I'll pick it up sometime next week.

It's okay. I'll be as good as new after the operation.

Wait a minute.

Basketball team, right?

Last year.

How about this year?

This year, I make bombs.

I don't think you remember me.

Skeeter. Oh, coach's wife. Of course I remember you.

Right.

I'm kind of glad my bike broke down. Otherwise, I would have missed you. Or

rather, you would have missed me.

Can I give you a lift?

Sure.

Gosh, I just remembered something, Mrs. Hurley. Oh, I hate Mrs. Hurley. I wish

you'd call me Yvonne.

What was it you just remembered?

Well, Yvonne, I just remembered I haven't got my keys. I can't get into

house till around six.

Oh, that's a shame. Would you like me to drop you off somewhere else?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Anywhere. Listen, I have an idea. Why don't I buy you a Coke or something?

Oh, that would be nice.

Oh, what a dingbat.

What's the matter?

I didn't have any money either.

Well, then how about a full drink over at my place? It's just a few minutes

here.

This series keeps coming undone.

Well, here we are.

Skeeter's playing to fame.

There's something, huh?

If you've got trophies, you might as well display them.

Oh, I'm glad you could come over.

I mean, I kind of get a kick out of helping coaches' boys.

I know it's not always easy in high school.

It's a bitch having to play all those head games with the teachers and the

students, not to mention yourself.

It's bad for the ego.

You don't know why I'm telling you all these things.

Listen, I appreciate your honesty.

I think that's the first time in months someone told me what he felt.

Sincerely. That's where it's at, being honest with each other.

Yeah.

You're awfully quiet.

I just don't like to talk unless I have something to say.

Oh, God, you're so different from Skeeter. With him, it's yak, yak, yak

time.

The guys say Skeeter talks like he has a cactus stuck in his jock.

I bet you're a loner in school, hmm?

Well, I don't make friends too easy.

I was like that. But you grow out of it. How old are you?

Seventeen.

They say that's the toughest age.

They say that's the age your needs are greatest and you can't satisfy them.

What kind of needs do they mean?

Oh, I suppose they mean, you know.

No, I don't know.

They're right, whoever it is we're talking about.

Well, it'll ease up.

Will it?

Bill. I think it's beginning to ease up.

What are you doing here?

I said you wanted to help. Help.

No, you shouldn't. Please.

What's wrong, isn't it, Yvonne? Having desires you know should be repressed.

You've got to learn to bottle them up, I guess.

It isn't wrong that I know what to do.

It's a stupid age, 17.

Feeling things and not being able to express them. No wonder we go ape.

No wonder we blow up cities. Oh, I know. It was rough for me, too. You want the

warmth and intimacy of people. You grope for their love and it becomes something

dirty. Oh, I know, but it shouldn't be that way. No, it shouldn't. I feel like

child, Yvonne. So warm and secure.

Oh, Phil, you're such a sensitive person.

So are you, Yvonne.

Is it all right?

Yes.

Oh, God, there's so much love in the world. If only we could share it. If

we didn't have to hold it back.

True. Brotherly love.

Brotherly love.

Love, love, love.

Oh, God, yes.

Yes, yes.

Look what Molly says in Ulysses.

Who?

Molly, James Joyce.

Did she really say that?

Hi, Casey.

Hi.

Forty -five.

Debbie? Debbie.

Great boss.

She's a goddess.

Yeah, well, she happens to be a virgin.

What are you doing about it? Suffering.

Hi, Wilkie. Bill?

Oh, wasn't that an absolutely nifty game?

Oh, nifty. Oh, absolutely nifty.

What the hell game is she talking about?

You're a chick. I don't play games with her. Well, I don't either. We have these

wonderful intimate conversations, though. Except there's a backward kid

dealing with.

You know, like the other day. I asked her if she believed in oral love, and

said, absolutely.

People should tell each other how they feel.

What's up?

Prime hash.

Lovely stuff. No kidding. I highly recommend it. Yeah? How much?

Five. Okay.

Oh, man, you're crazy.

We'll take Washington by 19 points. I mean, who the hell could stop Malone,

right? Oh, I can't go along with you there, Ray. I think it's going to go

down the wire. And what about that big black cat? Who's going to stop him? He's

got a tricked knee.

The guy's on the bench half the time.

Okay,

I'm late. Fork over the bread.

What was that routine?

Narc. They got three of them now.

What are you so surprised about?

You're the one who screamed about narks in that underground rag of yours.

Sure, but who knew they were really here?

Lousy Gestapo. Wait till you see my next editorial.

Fieldhouse, West Dan's North Corner. Taped under the third step from the

Oh, by the way, also carrying reds, Dexys, Tooheys, and the special this

is birth control pills.

Hold it, Mafia. How about my ID?

What are you doing, embroidering it? I don't want to get into the Pentagon. I

just want to get a drink at a bar.

Do you want schlock or do you want art?

I mean, I only do first -class work.

Don't give me that routine about your quality goods, okay?

Look, starting next week, you'll have yourself a neat little driver's license

that says you're Herschel Blass, age 22, white, single, and Anglo -Saxon.

Herschel Blass?

Shh, shh, shh. Betty, Betty, Betty, so straight. Come on. Let me get the lights

out. No, no, no, no, that's right. I can't stand it.

All right. Come on now. Not here. Oh, come on. Come on. It's right here. All

right.

I'll do whatever you tell me to do.

Shh.

Couldn't sleep.

Don't drink out of the bottle.

Oh, Warren is here.

Yeah.

Oh, you remember Warren?

Hi. Nice to see you, Phil.

Oh, I didn't want to wake you.

That's very thoughtful of you, sir.

Cookies and milk.

Would you like some?

No, no, no. I'm sort of dieting. You know, watching the old weight.

Oh, yes. Well, maybe I will have just one.

Quick one.

Chocolate chip. I love it.

Would you two excuse me, please?

I'll be right back.

Phil, your mother and I are planning on

getting married.

Well, congratulations.

Yeah, I guess I just wanted to set the record straight.

Sometimes things look a certain way, but they're not.

That is...

They're not as sordid as they seem.

Maybe they never were.

Thanks.

Now, as to my qualifications, sir, I have my own insurance agency, and it's

doing very well. Expect to do a lot better.

Health? Excellent.

That is, if you don't count falling hair.

Hobbies? Golf.

I'm just plain sitting around the old sun, I guess.

Vices?

Well, I take a nip now and then.

Good points.

That's a hard one.

Well, one, I'm very fond of your mother.

I'm sure you are, sir.

Would you call me Warren?

Warren.

Great.

I'm hungry as hell.

When's the big day?

Oh, not for a couple of months. Kind of busy at the office now, anyway.

By the way, Phil, I can use you this summer if you're not busy.

Filing, that sort of thing. Seventy -five a week. What do you think?

Might be interesting.

Well, how are you two getting on?

Oh, just great.

Listen, I wonder if you kids would excuse me. I have an early appointment

tomorrow morning, and besides, I think I've been boring this guy long enough.

Do you mind? Of course not.

Phil.

Great. I'll see you to the door.

That's Warren.

So that's Warren.

You like him, don't you?

I met him before. He's great. Oh, I know that you met him before, but you never

talked to him before.

That's true, yes.

Hey.

What do you think?

What? About Warren.

Oh, he's okay. He's great.

You don't like him, do you? He's a good man. I know that he's a good man. You're

marrying him and you're happy with him, aren't you? I mean, you love him. No, I

don't love him.

I have to be honest with you.

I mean, I care about him.

But I don't love him.

Not in the way that I loved your father.

He has some very good qualities.

And he's willing to overlook some of the very bad qualities that I have.

And that begins to outweigh any romantic notions that you might have.

You understand?

That's wonderful.

It's not wonderful.

There's nothing wonderful about it.

It just means that I'm getting old.

Boy, I never thought that would happen to me.

And I just can't stand it. I mean, I'm so bored with dieting, and I'm so bored

with all the things that it's necessary to do. And what I want is that I just

want someone that I can be relaxed with.

Someone that I don't have to work at.

Then I think he's the perfect choice for you, and that's what you should

probably do, is get married.

Well, so do I. So do I.

I want to tell you something.

I wake up in the middle of the night and I realize how old I am.

And I can't get back to sleep.

And I think, where the hell is it all gone?

I mean, how did I get so old?

You know what I want you to do?

I want you to tell me that I have nothing to be afraid of. I mean, I

you to tell me that.

You've got nothing to be afraid of.

I'll have your blessing.

Yeah.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Keep it up.

Best thing for you.

No. No, I mean, it's fun now. You know, just school and making it with girls.

I think it's roughly around.

You've got to think about money and family and surviving.

It's a pain in the ass.

The trouble with you people is you keep getting old.

Buying and selling, selling and buying.

It's all a matter of sublimation.

Commerce is the great American sex substitute.

It's going to be my first book, How to Masturbate with Money.

I think you read too much.

There's something.

How about now?

How old do you feel right now?

And so one of the things we can glean from Catcher in the Rye is how uniquely

contemporary a novel can be, even though it may have been written years ago.

In this case, 20 years ago.

That's the point, isn't it?

That the character of Holden Caulfield, Salinger's teenage hero, has such

timeliness today.

Even though Holden has none of the surface trappings of today's teenager.

No long hair or hippie jargon.

You see, the surface appearance of the problems we face may change.

But the problems themselves remain very much the same.

The truths Holden was groping for.

His crisis of identity, if you will.

Plus the apparent insensitivity of family and society to his dilemma.

All this should strike a familiar chord. What's your feeling, Fuller?

It makes sense to me.

What is it you do in the mornings?

Lift weights?

Obviously it takes a lot out of you.

Well, I agree with what you said.

About what?

About Holden Caulfield. Good.

Does he rate as high as D .H. Lawrence?

Not quite that high.

Oh, come on now, Fuller.

Well, let's have your evaluation then.

I'm sure we're all eager to get your views before you doze off again.

You signed it. I assume you like it. I assume you don't. I don't. Ah, we're

making progress.

Why not?

Well, you tell us to think about characters in a novel as if they were

people. Well, I don't think real people were ever like Holden. I mean, look at

him. He's phony, he's 16, he can't even make it with a girl.

Holden is depicted as naive and sheltered.

Naivete really bugs you, doesn't it, Fuller? I just don't believe Holden ever

existed. Catcher's the kind of book middle -aged people take a bath in,

identifying away like crazy, convincing themselves they were once that shy,

sensitive kid before the cruel world beat it out of them. I think the novel

presents quite a realistic picture of youth.

I guess I think it's sentimental crap.

I guess I think your choice of words gives you away, Fuller. A book contains

sentiment, ergo it must be crap.

No, what bugs me is to see adolescents sentimentalized.

No, what bugs you is honest sentiment.

We'll get further into Salinger next time. Meanwhile, class, now that Fuller

here has presented his provocative opinions.

I hope more of you will be stimulated to take time from the tube to finish the

book.

Dismissed.

Don't you think you're carrying this Herschel Blast number too far?

I mean, a mustache, for Christ's sake.

A new name, a new face.

Oh, I wonder what happened to the real Herschel Blast. Knowing Lafarge, he's

probably sold to some crazy doctor for parts.

So what? Hershel Blass is no fear of the fun.

Yeah. Well, Wilkie McDonough was scared shitless.

You don't have any grafts on you, do you? Oh, no. Just some hash in the

and coke under the carpet.

Don't do that to me again.

Goddamn police state. You can't even take a leak around here. You're really

spaced out, man.

Well, that's what...

Sexual abstinence is done to me.

Nothing, huh?

She's frigid. Oh, stop copping out.

Copping out?

If I give you a history of my campaign, it would read like a textbook on sexual

strategy. Don't give it to me. Sell it to the ROTC. I mean it.

I thoroughly researched this whole deal.

I knew her favorite restaurants, her favorite rock groups, her birthstone.

are you trying to do, ball or breeder?

When I first started taking her out, I was sure I had the keys to the magic

kingdom. I used all these words like, oh, fulfillment and inner peace.

And then reciprocal self -expression.

No dice.

Classy approach, though. Then I decided to scare her out of her little panties.

So I combed the psychoanalytical journals for case histories of girls who

flipped out because of sexual abstinence.

There was one woman I remember, Rebecca G., who was covered playing games in the

bathtub with her eight -year -old nephew.

That was pretty scary.

Oh, and then we had old Bonnie E., a woman with particularly strong libido.

who dressed up as a little girl one Christmas and sat on the lap of every

Claus in one major metropolitan downtown area. Stop it, man. You're even turning

me on.

Then last week, I made my final suicide try. I decided, oh, forget all the

strategy and come on straight. I said, Debbie, let's get laid.

Please. Oh, let's get laid.

Hey, would the love of a good freak help?

But what's that got to do with the bookstore?

What's that got to do with the bookstore?

Just wait. I'm tired of waiting.

Hi, Joyce.

Wilkie, I'm going to explain something to you. This is not just a bookstore.

It's a supermarket for chicks.

They're just waiting to be plucked off the shelves.

Now, all you got to do is figure out what kind you want.

You know, it's knockers and they want a ball. Oh, no, no, no. That's not how you

shop. Now, come here with me.

Now, listen. What are you doing?

Oh, stop it.

You dig the intellectual types.

You browse over here.

You dig the trip -takers.

You keep an eye on the pothead section.

You dig the mystic chicks.

You hit the Zen and the I Ching crowd.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I like that mystical one right there.

Now, if you want straight -out action, an info -freak, and that sort of

you're... You go where I was going.

Thank you.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and

to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God,

indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

There has been a growing laxity at this school in many areas of enforcement.

Dress, hair, and manners.

But disrespect for the flag will not be tolerated.

Is that understood?

No disrespect was intended.

Well, then why were you sitting down?

I was in my lotus position.

Huh? I was in the middle of my morning meditations.

As a matter of fact, I was sort of saluting the flag in my own lane.

You mean this is your way of saluting the flag?

Yes, sir. Now, I realize it seems a little unorthodox, but what I actually

bless the flag during meditations.

Oh, get up off the floor.

Frankly, sir, I would resent any attempts to deny me my spiritual rights.

Now, look, McDonough.

You have a pretty good academic record here at West Mesa. So we can overlook

those crazy left -wing capers and your goddamn underground newspaper.

What? I want your pledge that you will properly observe the salute. If you

do that, I... Tell me, Mr. Fanning, on what grounds do you compel me to salute

the flag?

It's in the rules.

What rules?

The school rules.

I think you'll find your case to be rather flimsy. If you recall, the

Court only last year... Oh, I've got another barracks lawyer on my hands.

here, McDonough. I'm not interested in the Supreme Court. The rules of this

school district state that you... I'd like to cite another set of rules, the I

Ching Book of Changes. I would like to draw your attention to the laws of the

two primary Chen hexagrams as outlined on page 2... Now it's hexagrams! You're

interrupting me. I don't want to hear anymore!

You're just going to deny me my spiritual rights.

You're damn right I am!

The Supreme Court of the... I don't give a shit about the Supreme Court. The

president of this great nation. Oh, fuck the president.

Excuse me.

Could you tell me where I can find Schneider's office?

Yes, around the corner and down the hall. Oh, thank you.

By the way, I'm Audie Schneider. How do you do? We're so glad you could come. We

do feel it's important that once a year, parent and guidance counselor meet and

evaluate both problems and progress as they relate to the student.

Well, I'm ashamed to say that this is my first time, but I think it's a

terrific... The agitators say our schools are cold and impersonal.

They're not.

See, I work, and it's not always easy for me to get away.

So, let's talk about Philip.

He's a bright boy.

Oh, thank you. He definitely shows a superior aptitude profile, especially in

mathematics. In mathematics?

I always thought he was a real dope in math.

No.

Now, that C in English is unfortunate.

There's a definite pattern of regressive motivation in the language arts, but

Philip and I are good friends and we've had many long talks on the subject.

Excuse me, but I always thought that English was his best subject.

You know, he's always reading books and I have to think.

I'm also concerned about a continuing problem in the area of emotional

immaturity as it applies to members of the opposite sex.

What do you mean?

Well, his fistfights with girls. Now, there have been two more incidents since

last winter.

Fistfights with girls? Yes.

Dr. Boardman notes a potentially disturbing hostility toward girls,

young girls.

Philip Ralph Fuller, Jr.

Could we start all over again?

How do you do? I'm Betty Fuller.

I'm Audrey Schnapp.

That Miss Schneider, she's a...

She's quite a character. Isn't she weird?

No, but she did. She made some very, very good points. I mean, she said, for

instance, that you are not working to your full capacity.

She said that you have an extremely high IQ, but that you could be doing a lot

better. That's true. Yeah, well, I mean, I think that that's interesting. That

if you concentrated more, you see, you could be doing a lot better. True.

Well, are you going to do that?

No. Come on. No, I mean it.

She knows what she's doing. I mean, she is a counselor, and that's her job and

everything.

I never did very well by you, did I? Oh, hey, Betty, you can meet some out -of

-sight people hitchhiking. Wait a minute. I'll tell you something. From

things are going to be different. I mean it. Warren makes a very good living,

and I'm going to be able to give you a lot of the things that I was never able

to give you before.

You don't have to feel guilty about me. I don't. I don't feel guilty.

It's just that from now on, everything is going to be different.

I mean, I'm going to be able to quit my job and everything.

Hey, now, will you just... I'm trying to be serious.

I mean it. I think that we should talk.

I think that we should talk like mothers and sons. I think that... We should

talk like mothers and sons talk.

Well, what do mothers and sons talk about?

Well, I mean, they... You're at an age now where you probably need advice. I

mean, you never come to me for any advice.

I go to Miss Schneider.

That's funny. That's really funny. I mean it now.

Okay. What do you want to advise me on? I'm listening.

Advise me.

the species, respective size of the parties, and personal idiosyncrasies.

normal conditions, the smaller male spider gets underneath the female so

his head is beneath her belly, the two facing in the same direction.

In this position, he repeatedly thrusts his charged pellets into the female

earthling, generally one after the other, but sometimes both together.

In rare instances, the male may mouth the female to insert his pellet.

This technique has the advantage of facilitating a quicker getaway once

is complete.

A quick getaway is propitious in view of the fact that the male is smaller than

the female, and the female customarily develops an insatiable appetite during

the sex act.

An appetite that is satisfied... I could be using this time.

I tried to get my mother to write a letter to get me out of here. On

grounds, she wouldn't do it.

On religious grounds?

Yes, sir.

Well, this letter comes as a surprise to me, Fuller.

The Board of Education has ruled that the course is entirely optional, but

a little difficult getting out of it. So I'm finding out. To be completely

honest with you, I... I've been deeply troubled about this course for some time

now. And then when I spoke to my minister, well... All right, all right,

fine, that's all right.

I have enough trouble without the clergy waiting in my outer office.

But you will have to get these forms signed by your guidance counselor.

I wouldn't want to cause any problems.

Problems? Oh, there are no problems for her. You just tell your minister there

are no problems.

I think of us as friends, Philip, don't you? Of course you do. Now, I want you

to try and relax and tell me exactly what it is that you find so

That's very difficult.

No, no, no. I don't want you to be shy.

I know you may find it hard to believe, but I'm not very easily shocked. What I

mean is, well, I'm hip to all the scenes, so it's cool.

I'm sure you are.

So, what are we really talking about, huh?

Of course, insects.

There. Sex.

Now, I want you to tell me exactly what it is you find so objectionable.

Well, I... This is really very difficult.

Now, we're speaking as friends, remember?

All right.

When they talk about those spiders, you know, doing it and all, who ever thought

of spiders doing it? Did you?

Did you ever think about that?

And insects.

And animals. Not to mention people.

All doing it. Everywhere. All the time.

In this very room, there could be some spiders underneath the furniture just...

Just bopping away.

Just...

Don't

you have a class this afternoon?

Not anymore.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Let's keep it moving.

Keep those knees high.

Shit, it's Skeeter. My God, he knows we're here.

Looks like he's bringing a whole army. Come on, come on.

What are you, criminals?

Good old Skeeter. That's what he really likes best.

Make it hurt. Yeah, I think you're right.

I can't figure you and Skeeter married.

What do you mean?

Well, he's the sort of meathead, you know, you think of living at the Y and

taking cold showers.

Well, anyways, he's a much better man than you will ever be. Okay, come on,

let's have one more pepper. Let's move those butts.

I want to buy a paper.

Gary, you want to buy a paper?

Great.

Dot on the I on paper. Yes, you'll like it.

It's sort of like an electric Kool -Aid newspaper.

Want to buy a paper, Ernie?

Paper? Here you go.

A chance of two sides.

Do I have to?

All right, all right. How much? A thin quarter.

Revolution can be profitable.

Well, it's cheaper than Playboy.

Wilkie, you know, this thing's liable to get you into a lot of trouble. Oh, it

doesn't matter. It happens to me. My job is to inform the people.

Yeah, I remember when I had that job.

Hey, Wilkie, lend me your wheels, will you?

How am I going to get home?

Friendship, Wilkie, friendship. Use my bike. Hey.

That's not my thing.

How you doing, Mr. Mallory? Oh, how's it going, boy?

Okay.

Why aren't you out there selling papers? That's not my bag.

Cool is your bag, right?

Well, that helps.

Cool, but not involved.

You mean like them?

All right, yes.

What's wrong with getting involved?

Nothing, if that's what you have to do.

What do you have to do?

I hadn't expected a philosophical discussion.

No.

Educational, not philosophical.

Relax, boy.

The way I see it, we have a system here, right?

And the system says that you sit in class, you get your grades, and you move

down the assembly line as quickly as possible so another warm body can take

place. Now, that's the system, and I do pretty well within that system.

And how exactly do you do that?

I play with it.

I bend with it. I go around it. I take the best best offer and hang loose.

I don't know whether you're a cynic or just a parasite.

I'm a realist.

They're all kinds of reality.

Hey, Ellie, you know what? Ed, we've got to go straight to the doctor.

Again? She's got 103 temperature.

I thought Ronnie had 103.

Where do you think she got it?

This keeps it on the old Dr. Spice and my entire salary.

As a matter of fact, why doesn't he just pick up my whole paycheck?

What is this?

Oh, you think it could be the carburetor or whatever that is?

No.

I think it's reality.

Hey. I think I just got hit by a flying knocker.

How's old Herschel? Living it up, sonny.

Hey, Bunny, cut his arc double.

I want to talk to you. When Capone talks, everybody lives it.

Well, as you may know, business is booming.

But I can't handle it all.

I need a partner.

I'm not about your business, Ray. Yeah, well, look, this is big bread. I think

I'm going to pass, okay?

What, you don't need the bread?

It's not that.

You're not interested in free enterprise?

I got other interests. I don't want to spread myself too thin.

You working for the competition?

Look, Ray, you push drugs, Wilkie publishes papers.

I chase chicks. We all got our own thing. You leave me alone, I leave you

That's free enterprise, too.

Dig?

Disgusting. Hey, Wilk. Yeah? You cured of her?

Debbie, I turned off on her the night of the bookstore.

Oh, not you.

She's not your type.

I think

your

sauce just curdled.

All right, which is yours, Debbie?

That yours?

Yes. It's beautiful.

Isn't that beautiful?

That's a work of art, dear.

Hello?

Hi, is Debbie there, please?

Who may I say is calling?

It's Phil Fullerman.

In just a moment, please.

Debbie? Yes?

Do you know a Bill Fuller? I guess I do.

You guess you do. Now, what's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's in my class, Mom. It's just that I don't really know him very well.

Oh.

Bill? Hey, baby. It's your favorite cook. What's happening?

Oh, nothing. I'm just reading.

Listen, I just had a great idea.

Now, Thursday's a holiday.

Why don't we go to the club swimming Wednesday night?

Swimming? Well, the pool isn't even open at night.

Oh, sneak in. We'll be alone, Debbie.

The cool water will purify our souls.

Wednesday? Oh, I can't. I let my bathing suit to Linda.

Well, when will you get it back?

Oh, maybe Sunday.

Sunday, huh?

Okay, pick up around nine.

Hey!

I thought we were going swimming.

We were, but they drained the pool at the club. Anyhow, this is a better idea.

Come into a place that sells trailers?

At night? That's exactly why we're here, babe. Nobody buys trailers at night.

Anyhow, it gives me a chance to concentrate on my homework.

Homework? Yeah, for cooking class. I'm into a shrimp curry that'll get me an A

for sure.

Okay, up we go. There we are.

Hey, how'd you know about this trailer?

Hey, what are we doing here?

Well, this is weird.

I belong to a friend of mine.

Betty, I've been saving this experience for someone who I knew would really dig

it.

My shrimp curry. I've been refining the recipe for six weeks now. And I think

I've really got it. Tonight's the night.

We could have cooked it at my house. We didn't have to come all the way out

here. No, you can't just be cooked. It's got to be a total experience. You've

got to control the environment every moment, every mood.

I don't know about you.

It's a... Look.

An Indian robe.

Slippers. Is it for me?

Yeah. Oh. An incense.

Yes.

Flower of the Ganges.

Oh, wow.

Now, Debbie, there's only one way we can really taste my shrimp curry.

We've got to create a whole Indian scene.

We've got to eat Indian.

Dig? Huh?

Hey, Debbie.

Debbie. Do you trust me?

I mean, don't you want me to keep expanding my sensitivities?

Who else would understand a man who enjoys cooking?

Some people would think it's, you know, a little queer.

Oh, no, Phil.

Well, those kind of people are just ignorant.

What's wrong with men cooking?

I mean, if women can get jobs, men certainly can cook.

So don't feel weird.

Okay. Why don't you go in there and get ready, and I'll start making it.

You can't see through this, can you?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's lovely.

Just lovely.

A toast to eternal self -expression.

What are they?

A radio.

Out of sight.

I got them where I work.

What?

It's a little stiff now.

Now, what the hell?

Now,

my little blossom, you will have a meal to blow your mind.

Yeah. This is super.

Let's eat them both.

What?

Yeah. I'm afraid the driver wasn't as lucky.

Did you know Mr. Warren Cook?

Yeah, I know him.

Well, he was killed.

Well, we should be able to start back in the morning.

The doctor just wants to keep me here for observation.

Yeah, I guess that's the best thing.

I'll find a wire or something.

Okay.

Did you eat anything?

A couple of hamburgers.

You better be careful or you're going to turn into a hamburger.

This isn't so bad for a hospital, is it?

I don't know what it is, but a hospital's always scared me.

Yeah, I guess it's okay.

I'm not much of a winner when it comes to men, am I?

You know, it's the smell.

That's what bothers me about hospitals, the smell.

We were on our way to Las Vegas to get married.

Isn't that a bad joke?

Yeah, I guess so. I don't know.

Hey, listen, I better find a place to stay tonight, okay? Can I get you some

cigarettes or something?

Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

You know what brand I smoke?

Phil. Hi, Ma.

Where have you been?

Haven't seen you for three weeks.

You know, homework, that sort of thing. You know.

Kind of left me hanging. What happened?

Everything got screwed up.

You owe me more than that. You weren't exactly strangers, you know.

Take it easy, will you?

I just want to know why, that's all.

Would you like to hear it right over here, please?

No one else?

Not a single soul?

I've been busy.

Not too busy to drive around with that pimply teenybopper the other night.

I saw you.

Well, maybe one other soul.

What? I'll bet.

You're married, remember?

Screw you.

Just don't know how it is.

Christ, I was 30 last week.

What? I said I was 30 last week.

That's cool.

Bastard, I hate being 30.

I'm not exactly wild about being 17.

Oh, you love it.

You use it like some kind of a weapon.

You're like some sort of a professional teenager.

Look, my boss is going to wonder what's going on.

He just used me like a whore. Exactly how did you use me? I fell for that

innocent schoolboy routine.

I bet I'm just a cog on your assembly line of middle -aged, over -the -hill

women. You're not exactly over -the -hill. I can testify to that. Look, I

come here to get banged.

But why don't we just get here on Monday? I just didn't want you to miss

Before school.

I don't know what I was doing.

Look, I just don't want to be treated like Skeeter.

Look, I didn't make the rules. I'm sorry.

Yeah, the whole world is sorry.

But you're the only one who isn't crying.

That's your record.

Ivan!

Fuck off.

I was wrong.

You're much more involved than I thought.

Think I could get this thing fixed?

Just thought I'd throw you a little business.

Terrific.

I heard about your mother.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Listen, I'm supposed to tell you this is a big job.

Then next week the boss calls you and tells you it'll cost more to fix than

worth, and would you like to trade it in on a new set?

It's a 25 -cent plug. It'll cost you nothing to fix for yourself.

See, that's my true genius, knowing where it's at.

Now you're forever in my debt.

What do you think about you, Fuller?

You don't sell yourself short.

Pound for pound, I figure I'm smarter than 99 % of the people I meet.

It's that 1 % that still throws me.

Well, I'm glad something throws you. I figure it'll be like high noon.

I'll be walking down the street someday, and there'll be Mr. 1%. Boothill.

Where is it?

It's Phil Fuller, ma 'am.

Oh.

I had something for Debbie.

Sorry I didn't call first. I just wanted to drop this off.

A book?

Oh, isn't that nice?

Debbie says that you're quite a reader, Phil.

I just think that's wonderful.

Do you know, sometimes I think that nobody reads anymore.

What are you reading now?

It's Sid Arthur and Steppenwolf.

Well, that sounds more like a rock and roll groove.

Well,

I guess a man has free marks.

It is easy to lose touch with kids nowadays.

Is Debbie home?

Oh, no, dear. She's spending the night with Cindy.

Phil Fuller.

Oh, she's told me so much about you. Now sit down there.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, but Debbie's told you a lot about me, too. Oh, she thinks I'm just

dreadful. No, she hasn't said a thing.

You know what's funny?

Debbie is the conservative of this family, and I'm the radical, in a way.

Well, age, I think, is just a state of mind.

It's no fun being a square when all you kids are into such exciting things.

I was married young and divorced with the kid.

And I just... I never really had a chance at all that excitement.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Bill, do you have any pot?

Yeah, sure.

Never without.

You want to light up?

Why not?

I'll get you a drink.

She wouldn't know grass from her ass. You know, I do think that we ought to

exchange one another's conscience.

I mean, let's go to the road to universal harmony.

I was just saying that to Debbie the other night.

Happiness is just a poke away.

It's like they took away.

Thank you.

Here we go.

Now, don't rush it.

Don't waste it.

Don't rush it. Take it nice and easy.

Newscast final.

And.

Not. Today.

You said you had to see me. Oh, but not now. My mother's home.

Who is it?

Well, it's Phil.

You two same.

Pop, are you honest like this? Sit down and talk to me.

Mother, I'd like to talk to Phil for a minute. Oh, we could have a drink first

if you like, Mrs. Wilson.

Oh, that's a marvelous idea, Pop. But Mom, Mom, now tell me what's going on in

the big wide world.

It's all going to pot.

Lovely the way Phil feels free to drop in on a flatbed.

Well, actually, Debbie asked me over today because she said she had something

important to tell us. Didn't she, dear?

No. No, I didn't. What's wrong?

Oh, Mother, everything is wrong.

Oh, well, come on.

Nothing's all that bad.

That's true, Mrs. Wilson.

I didn't want you to know, Mom, not yet.

Well, now what?

I have a little problem.

What sort of a problem?

She thinks she's pregnant.

Oh, my God, Debbie.

You... Would you?

Okay, Debbie, how do you know?

Don't you think there are things a woman knows?

I'm nauseous. In the morning. Every morning.

Every morning. I drop every morning and I'm late. I'm late, Mommy. I'm late.

That's why we're not.

We're going to find a doctor.

You mean an abortion?

Well, that's one way of putting it.

Oh, no. No, absolutely not. You think I'm going to let the whole world know?

Everybody just cool off.

Okay?

Now, let's get practical.

Debbie is going to have a baby. We have to think this out very cool.

First, I can't support it. Second, she can't take care of it.

So what we've got to figure out is...

Who can support us and take care of it?

Unless it's you, Grandma.

Oh, Marvie, Mommy. My mother a grandmother.

Shut up, Debbie. Now, just shut up.

You have to look at this from all sides.

Well,

times have changed.

Nobody's going to look down on you.

You do know that times have changed.

But it's disgusting.

I won't do it. I won't.

Will I have to go to a hospital?

I hate hospitals.

Sir, the doctor will see you now.

By the way, for the records, I need the spelling of your name.

W -I -L -K -I -E.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, doctor, I'll get right to the point.

I'm a freshman at UNM, and my girlfriend... Well, she's not exactly my

girlfriend. Anyway, this girl I know is pregnant.

And?

And she can't have the baby.

Do I understand you correctly?

I don't know, but she can, and her mother's giving me a really hard time.

What you're suggesting is utterly out of the question.

Jesus, doctor, I came all the way up here because I was told that you

the problems of young people.

Your problems are no concern of mine.

Well, someone has to be concerned, doctor. I don't want that girl to go

off some bridge.

There are ways. We have a new state law now. All you have to do is be a

psychiatrist and a panel of doctors. Yeah, I know. All you need is a thousand

bucks, social connections, and pull on the hospital board.

Have the baby. Put it up for adoption.

Thanks for your help and concern.

Who gave you my name?

What's the difference?

Who gave you my name?

My father, Justin McDonough.

Wait a minute.

Shut the door.

Can your father be reached with this number?

Well, I don't know if he's in right now.

He'd better be in.

Justin, Victor Shurtleff here.

Yes, it's been a long time. Look, you sent me a patient.

I remember him.

Don't give me that crap.

Yes.

So?

He's standing right here, Justin.

All right.

All right, Justin.

to do this little thing. You understand?

Look at this very clear. I'm not an abortionist. Get that through your head.

Yes, sir.

If you get the idea that you want to pass my name around to your friends at

school, let me tell you that I will personally set the police on anyone who

comes here and mentions your name.

Even if they don't mention your name.

I mean that.

Yes, sir. I understand.

Wilkie, is that right?

How pregnant is this friend of yours?

Four or five weeks.

Bring her here. week from Sunday, 8 o 'clock at night. Think of yourself.

I thought it may be better if the mother came. The mother didn't get her

pregnant. You come and bring $400 in cash.

$400?

I'll give it to Children's Hospital.

I don't want you making a habit of this.

Hey, what's with the slide waving bit?

Fanning said the ultimate punishment. He told me I was either chairman of the

Patriotism Essay Committee or he'd kick me out of school.

Unroll that, please.

Yeah.

I'd like to show it turned out okay. Just need a little massaging, you know.

Yeah, I knew he'd be a tight ass. All my father's friends are.

When I hit him for the name, his little chest swelled with pride, and he gave me

one of those just -between -us -guys looks.

Over here, please.

I think he was proud of his weirdo son knocking up some chick.

It'll cost 400 bucks.

Well, maybe you better find a cheaper doctor.

What do you think this is, Medicare?

I got 75.

Can you help me out?

I have about $130 in my Christmas club account.

What about your old man?

Oh, well, he's trying to be hip, but he is a Republican.

Well, $200.

Halfway home.

Thanks. Oh, by the way.

Guess who won the big patriotism essay contest?

Who?

Old Ray Lafarge, the role of free enterprise in a democratic society.

And one thing I can assure you is that all material will be thoroughly

steeped in relevance.

Always remember, material, but

steeping.

equals relevance.

And one thing we can glean from Catcher in the Rye

is how uniquely relevant a novel it is, even though

it was written 2 ,000 years ago.

Though the surface trappings may not be the same, holding Caulfield... Very

good, Wilkie.

Very good.

Since my analysis seems to have made such a vivid impression, I'm sure you'll

all be ready to take an examination on it.

Tomorrow.

Good day.

Well now, Fuller, how goes the world?

Things still swinging in the radio repair business?

It's cool.

The cool teens.

The young and beautiful people.

Benny, I know over 30 wants to be 17.

Why not?

Our society belongs to the teenyboppers.

In fact, I propose we design a new flag.

No stars.

Just acne.

It's 1984, kid.

Life ends at 20.

That gives me three more years to live.

And I, Fuller, am already dead.

Perhaps that's why I instinctively dislike you.

Because you're on the winning team.

I'm glad it's not something personal.

Oh, yeah, well, it's something personal, too.

You're a con man.

A cynic. You use people.

Since I know you're liked. Liked?

You're kidding.

Hey, Mr. Mallory, I thought class was over. Well, it's not.

What is it?

Something has finally made a dent in your shiny adolescent armor.

Excuse me.

Fuller, have you ever really opened up to anyone?

Wake up, Mr. Mallory. It's 1984, remember? Nobody gives a shit.

You're dead.

Your three years are up.

Nobody gives a shit because you won't let them.

Okay, you want to give me $200 for an abortion fast?

Huh?

Consider the 200 cool.

I'll lend it to you.

Amazing thing, the population explosion.

Children come in bunches like grapes.

Did you know that?

One day it's just you and your wife in conjugal bliss.

And suddenly you're surrounded by little bottoms.

All of them leaking.

Ah, the joys that would have awaited you, Fuller.

Knowing you, I assume you already have a doctor.

Just try and pay me back sometime.

And don't tell my wife.

For God's sakes, don't tell my doctor.

Why are you doing this?

Don't be embarrassed.

Just consider it a little friendly gesture.

We're friends?

Well, to be completely honest with you, Fuller, I suppose we're doomed to be.

I want to find out about that injury. The one that kept you off the team.

Oh, it's okay. It's fine. It's as good as new.

Come on in.

Don't have to stand here in the door. Come on.

Oh, I hardly see you anymore.

We'd have a few laughs.

Like with the guys, huh?

Like maybe I got a cactus cut in my jock.

Oh, you know, the guys are always rapping about something.

Said your injury was better. What was it again?

Hamstring muscle.

You ought to work out more, Fuller.

Keep your mind off other things.

Oh, I do.

I mean, I try to.

Oh, that's right. You do jog a little, don't you?

Early in the morning.

Well, that's just not the right exercise for someone with your problem.

What you need is a machine like this.

Build up your abdominal muscles.

Got to have strong abdominals.

Never can tell when they'll come in handy, huh?

Here, give me your books.

Oh, no.

Now back up here. I'll show you how it works.

Come on. Come on.

Put your hands back here.

Now lean back as far as you can.

Spread your legs.

This is going to do you a lot of good.

That's a little message from Yvonne, kid.

Many happy returns.

Bill!

Bill!

Bill!

I've been looking for you all day.

Please, no more scenes today, huh?

I had my period last night.

Well, thanks for your concern, creep.

Hey, Phil, I want to talk to you.

Listen, can we do it later? I have to take a shower.

I want to talk to you now.

Hey, Phil.

Well, what do you want to talk about?

Well... You seem depressed the last couple of days.

Are you depressed?

No, I'm not depressed. I'm fine. What do you want to talk about?

It's just that I'm going to be going to New York.

And you better start making the necessary adjustments about getting food

eating out or whatever.

Vacation?

I'll be gone at least a week. Hey, what is this vague thing? There's nothing

vague about it. I have to go to New York, that's all.

Okay, okay, I understand. You want to get away, but why New York?

Look, Phil, I have to go.

Why?

Go take your shower.

Wait a minute.

First I get a kid brother lecture, then an announcement of travel plans, then

off to the showers.

Stop copping out. I can't talk to you about this. It isn't right. I just

What's the matter?

Oh, damn it!

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

It's all right. It's my fault.

Warren and I were going to get married this summer.

Yeah?

We moved the date up because... Because I was pregnant.

Because I... I am pregnant.

Warren's wanted it after all.

Oh, that's nice.

Boy, that's really very nice.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I'm sorry you got caught.

Yeah. That's why you're going to New York, right?

Yeah, it's legal there, and it's not too complicated.

And I figure that when I get there, I can just ask around.

Are you kidding? No, why would I be kidding? You're going to go clear across

country to get an abortion. It's legal there, and when I get there, I mean,

find somebody. That's all. Not much it's going to cost. It'll cost a fortune.

Look, I can't do it here.

They make you go in front of a panel of doctors, and there's all kinds of red

tape.

The whole thing is just so awful.

Listen, I can help you out.

I know a man here.

What do you mean you know a man?

I know an abortionist.

Well, how come you know someone like that?

It's too long a story, but I know a man, and he's good.

Listen, how many weeks, how many months are you in? Look, I don't want to talk

to you about this. I mean, I really don't want to talk to you.

Well, you've got to talk about it because you've got to have the abortion.

say that.

Operation.

And you're not going to New York. That's out of the question.

Now, this man, this doctor, he's very, very good.

He'll take care of you. He'll make it very easy on you.

There are going to be no problems.

All right, Wilkie, you can both come in now.

You can go into the last room on your right.

There's a gown in there.

I want to talk to you.

I have the $400, Doctor. Come with me.

Get in.

You said you wanted to talk to me about something?

I thought the girl would be a contemporary of yours.

This one's a little old for you, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess so.

I find you a bit hard to take, Wilkie.

I suspect you could become a steady customer.

Oh, no, you'll never see me again, Doctor. I don't believe you.

I think it might be a good idea if you were my nurse at tonight's little spoon

work. What do you mean, nurse?

I think you need a lesson.

Open it.

To the other.

You all right You

are you

all right It's been 17 years

and I feel I'm just beginning to know you

I know that feeling.