Original subtitles

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[traffic noise]

[man] All right, how are we looking?

-Cameras are ready. -Last looks, please.

Can I give you this?

-Of course. -Thanks.

Makeup's clear.

-[bell ringing] -[woman] Quiet on set.

Roll sound.

[woman] Sound speeds.

And camera speeds.

What's your story, Jeff Brock. Take seven.

[clacks]

All right, Jeff, whenever you're ready, we're going to pick up

from where we left off. Just right to me, nice and easy.

So what's important to Jeff Brock?

There were only two things that I ever really wanted, a successful

career and a normal life.

You know, a wife and a couple of kids.

But my life has never been normal.

And you had success very early in your career, right?

I did.

I started booking some roles in movies and TV shows, really young.

And then before I knew it, I was on the cover of fan magazines,

and I was every teenage girl's fantasy.

[laughs] And then eventually, I met a great girl,

and we got married, had my kids,

and life was good.

And then we moved out of LA to Dallas to raise my children in what I thought

would be a wholesome environment.

And then...

And then?

Well, and then my normal life, it turned to shit.

[typing noise]

[engine revving]

[car door clicks shut]

[birds chirping]

[water trickling]

[♪]

[pages flipping]

Mr. Brock?

Please come in.

[Jeff] I had a prenup.

A prenup.

And all my friends were going through these horrible divorces and losing their

kids, and my kids mean everything to me.

And I couldn't imagine having standard custody.

Who ever came up with that ridiculous term anyway?

Standard? Custody?

You know what's standard?

The guy gets screwed.

That's what's standard.

The woman, she takes the house, the money, the kids.

The guy gets screwed.

But you had a prenuptial agreement.

Yeah, I did.

But then I got drunk and sentimental one night after my daughter was born,

and I ripped it up.

I freaking gave her everything in exchange for no attorneys, no divorce trial,

and guaranteed fifty-fifty custody of my kids.

And that cost you a lot of money?

A lot.

And now she's out there partying and traveling with my money

and dating 22-year-olds.

And how does that make you feel?

Can I stand? I really want to move.

-Can I stand? -Of course.

[Jeff] How do I feel about it? I feel like a loser.

I thought if anyone was going to leave the marriage, it would have been me.

I was I was famous.

I mean, TV, and then later on B movies.

But still, I was somebody.

And then after the whole acting thing, when that got tougher and I started

working behind the camera, I just...

Yes, I did read your file.

I found it very insightful, particularly the part about your

-marriage to Karen at the time. -Yeah, but we tried.

We tried, and we were hanging on until she started playing tennis.

-Tennis? -[Jeff] Yeah, tennis.

The root of all evil, that freaking little fuzzy yellow ball

that leads to affairs, divorce, facelifts, and boob jobs.

-Yeah, tennis. -I'm not following.

Okay, women who don't work, they go to the country club, right?

And then they get on the tennis team, and then they have lunch,

and then they start drinking white wine like Kool-Aid, and they

all trash their husbands.

And then, like suicidal lemmings, they all jump off the cliff together,

leave their husbands, destroy their families, and start sleeping

with every tennis coach they can find.

So... I-I understand that you are transitioning

between the anger phase with Karen into the grieving stage,

which is a completely normal evolution of the divorce process,

especially when you're in a long-term relationship, and it involves children.

[sighs]

Oh, So we don't have much time left.

Is there anything specific that you'd like to talk about today?

[clock ticking]

Yeah.

I'm lonely.

I want to date.

Someone. Someone real.

I just want to have some social human contact again.

Because Karen, my ex, she jumped on that dating bicycle

like it was the Tour de France.

So easy for her.

Old guys, young guys, especially the young guys.

She gets invited everywhere for free.

She doesn't have to pay for a single meal. You know why that is?

Because of the cave of mysteries. Vagina.

She has the power of the vagina.

So what else?

What else besides not having a powerful vagina, as you put it,

do you think is keeping you from dating?

I don't know how to anymore.

I've got no game.

I've got no mojo.

I lost it.

I lost everything.

And why do you think that is?

[sighs]

Because everything's changed.

The last time I was single, I had a flip phone and there was no social media.

Nobody was checking in, liking pics, posting pics of their food

none of this stuff.

It just wasn't a thing.

Go on.

Men just don't meet women like they used to anymore.

And friends don't set up other friends because middle-aged divorce People are

batshit crazy, and nobody wants to be responsible for inflicting

more crazy on their friends.

Have you considered the online dating sites?

What? No, absolutely not.

I'm a celebrity. Well, was.

Kind of.

I can't think about going online. Absolutely not.

Why?

What exactly are you afraid of?

I don't know. I guess I'd be mortified.

[typing noise]

So this woman, Dr. Reader, I feel like she gets me.

I can bear my soul to her.

And she hardly said a word.

She pretty much just sat there and let me talk.

Takes the heat off of me.

-Man, how much are you paying her? -Sam.

Oh my God. Hi.

I meant to call you this week about a house in your neighborhood that just

came on the market, but I have been so busy with the kids

-back in school and everything. -Hey, no problem.

I'm having a party this weekend.

Please come. Hey, I'm Sam.

Oh, hi. I'm Tina.

This is Jeff.

Okay.

Oh, you're Carter Brock's dad, right?

Yes. Yeah, I am.

My daughter, and your son are in the same grade.

They have a love-hate relationship going on, but I think they

really like each other.

You know, playing hard to get.

She's a handful, but she's even worse when she's with her dad.

Your wife is Karen, right?

Was recently divorced.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

But you'll be fine.

Being single is like riding a bike.

That's what I hear.

[laughs]

-You were married? -Oh, God, no.

I mean, not anymore.

I've dated. A lot.

I just...

I'm taking a little time off to focus on myself.

It was really nice to meet you.

-Maybe I'll see you around school? -Yeah.

-Really good to see you, Sam. -Yeah.

Bye, all. It was nice to meet you both.

Nice to meet you, too.

She's beautiful, and she seems normal.

He just looks so familiar.

What did he say his name was?

Oh, the last name is Brock.

And his first name was Jeff.

Google him.

I'm so on it.

[phone keys tapping]

[laughs] Oh my God.

He still looks pretty good, even with his shirt on.

Why haven't you introduced me to her?

Look, I'm not getting involved in your dating life after Karen.

Nope, not doing that again.

-Cheers. -[glasses clink]

-Walk with me. -Okay.

Sorry.

Good night, you all.

-Wait, you're leaving so soon. -Oh, yeah.

-Early day tomorrow. -Okay.

Well, have a good night, Tina.

Sam, I'm Jeff.

[laughing] We know who you are.

-You're the shirtless hunk. -So embarrassing.

Oh, no, don't be embarrassed. Use it.

-He just got divorced. -Oh, yeah, I know.

I heard.

[laughs]

We've all been there, and we're still standing, right, Tina?

Not if I can help it.

Hey, listen, I know this is awkward.

You just seem so well adjusted.

I'm a new single parent.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

Would you possibly be open to grabbing some coffee?

Our kids are friends in school.

I just could use some advice.

My cell number's on there.

I don't drink coffee, but I do eat lunch.

Call me.

Good night, you all.

See you all later.

[restaurant chatter]

Hey, listen up, shirtless hunk.

-You be careful with that one now. -Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

[♪]

Hi, Jeff. Good to see you again.

Thank you.

Hi.

Sorry, I'm late. I had to park in the back.

Oh, it's okay. No problem.

I ordered us Pinot Grigio. Hope that's all right.

That's perfect.

-So you like this place? -Oh, yeah.

It's pretty popular.

It was a test.

I figured if you were still married, there is no way you would meet me here

because everyone in town would see us.

Did you really think that I was making up being divorced?

-[waiter] Here you are. -Well, you know this town.

I really don't, but I'm starting to.

-To the shirtless hunk. -[glasses clink]

[Jeff] Come on in.

[woman] Thanks.

-[light switch flicks] -Hmm.

I love your place.

Thank you.

[kisses]

-[groans] -[thuds]

[kisses]

Powder room.

I'll be on the hall, to the left.

I'll be right back.

[footsteps]

[woman] Do you have any wine?

Yeah, red or white.

[woman] White.

[fridge closes]

[wine pouring]

[woman] Are you ready?

I was cheer captain at the high school where our kids go.

20 years later, and it still fits.

Yes, it does.

-Trust me, -[glasses clink]

half these menopausal heifers couldn't get one thigh in this skirt.

[chuckles]

[kisses]

You're not wearing any panties.

[chuckles] I never do.

[tearing]

Oh my God, you really

are the shirtless hunk.

[♪]

[knocking]

-Hey, we made it. -Come in, come in.

Glad you guys could make it.

Look, we got plenty of food.

Mimosas, Vodka, pretty much everything you want.

Thank you.

Vodka sounds great.

It's a little too early for me and food.

[♪]

[vodka pouring]

So a little different than Karen.

[gulping]

Unbelievable.

[vodka pouring]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, I made you one.

-Thanks. -Cheers.

[man at party] I had some pilots, moved down low over this herd, hundreds of wild beings.

We I'll bring down hellfire from the end.

[coughs] Okay.

Here, wait. Wow.

-I just wanted to introduce you to somebody over here. -Oh!

[indistinct chatter]

They didn't know what hit him.

My little grandson, God bless him, he took down 15 hogs with this little

bump stock that I'd cut down for him.

Jeff, what do you think of that?

Yeah, it sounds different.

It was more than different.

It was a hell of a lot of fun.

I know you're not from here.

You're not I'm not from Texas, but you ever shoot hogs?

Yeah, I don't know anybody who does that in Los Angeles.

[man] Damn, Liberals.

I hear they'll throw paint on a pretty lady's fur coat.

You're not one of those paint throwers, are you, baby?

[blowing]

Would you just stop it, please?

-Excuse me? -I'm sorry.

-Who? -Fuck you, Jeff Brock.

-Who do you think you are? -[scoffs] What?

I'm out of here.

[footsteps]

-[door slams] -[Jeff] Yeah, I'm sorry, everyone.

She's just had a little too much to drink.

[door squeaks open]

You have my keys.

-Give me my damn keys. -[keys jangling]

[grunts]

[glass clacks]

-[door slams] -So nice meeting, everyone.

That's my cue.

-So things did not go as expected. -Well, they did.

At first.

Until she guzzled down a pile of screwdrivers

and went haywire, insulting me in front of a room of complete strangers,

punctuated by the denigration of my former acting career, I might add.

You B-Movie has been?

And now the entire neighborhood is whispering behind my back.

Welcome to the neighborhood, Jeff.

It's a tough town.

[sighs] No shit.

I thought the people here would be way less judgmental because they go to church.

But the hypocrisy in Dallas is way worse than it is in LA.

At least in LA, they're screwed up, but they know it and they admit it.

But you got back in the game, and that's a good step forward.

Maybe you're just fishing too close to home.

I counsel a lot of single people, and they have great success dating online.

And they say that they can filter people by age, proximity, physical

attributes, and interests.

I don't know.

I know you're concerned about your anonymity, but you don't have

to use your real the name.

You can choose who sees your profile and who you respond

to and who you reach out to.

I mean, I guess it couldn't get any worse than what I just went through.

I'll run it by my friend Sam.

At least he's still talking to me.

And does Sam give good advice.

[Jeff] The worst.

Whenever I ask for Sam's opinion, whatever it is, I just do the opposite.

And that works.

Like a charm.

[Jeff] Online dating.

I just feel like everybody's doing it, especially these days. How does it work?

I mean, honestly, you just sign up. Shit.

I hit them all just to cover my bases.

[laughs] I don't know.

I don't think so. It just makes me so nervous.

What if somebody recognizes me?

[seagulls squawking]

No, man, I'm just going to take my time.

I want to meet somebody the old-fashioned way.

Tick tock, brother.

Can't stop that clock.

Hey, you remember Tina, don't you? Dina's friend?

Well, she and I keep in touch.

You and Tina? I knew it.

Anyway, she knows a lot of people in town.

It could be a good resource. I told her she should stop by and see you.

-See me? -Yeah.

She's selling some skincare shit, and she'll probably make

you buy some face cream. Count on it.

But she might hook you up with a female.

Okay.

[♪]

[knocking]

-Hi, come on in. -Hey.

-Thank you so much for letting me come by. -My pleasure.

-Kitchen's this way. -Hey.

[Tina] So the secret ingredient is the cassava melon.

Sorry about what happened with you and Dina.

You know her. She's a wild one.

I could have told you that, but you and I didn't really know each other yet.

That's okay. I know a lot of cute girls.

Isn't this mask great? Don't talk.

Doesn't it feel great?

I got a lot of guys I'm trying to start using it.

I'm trying to get Sam to use it, too.

It'll make his skin look so good.

So guess what?

I have the most beautiful girl for you to meet, but you got to buy

some product from me first. [laughs]

I don't really mean it, but I really wish you would, and I'll set you up.

You want to see a picture? She's really hot.

-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

So I'll pack up the whole thing for you, okay?

You are going to look so good.

And the best part is I've set you up an auto pay, so you don't

have to worry about ever ordering again.

It'll just show up on your credit card. Isn't that great?

-Mm-hmm. -Yeah.

[♪]

When Tina told me that you were an actor, I thought you were going

to be some broke dick.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I was actually involved in some movies.

Yeah, I left home when I was 16.

I went to work for this film company, and this guy who like totally had the hots

for me, he actually worked in pornos, and we called him Porno Dave.

I mean, I worked behind the camera, setting up insert shots, the lighting,

helping girls clean off afterwards.

I mean, stuff like that.

[Jeff] Dear God, please help me.

[glasses clink]

So did you ever...

Mmm.

Just because I got paid to watch people have sex doesn't mean that I did.

[exclaims] Jeff, that's gross.

Anyways, Dave wanted me to, and he thought that he was grooming me

and that eventually I would give in.

Then I just kept putting him off by letting him jack off

on my feet every now and then.

He had this major foot thing, and I have really pretty feet,

so he gave me a bonus whenever I'd let him do it.

And then I went to aesthetician school.

Yeah, and here I am all these years later, just injecting shit into people's faces.

And I am really, really good at it.

Hey, buddy.

I've been meaning to call you.

-You know Albert's wedding is coming up. -Mm-mm.

[Jeff] Crazy just trumped hot.

Hey, Keith.

This is Donya.

Hi, I'm Loni.

-Like Toni with an L. -Mm-mm.

-Mm-mm. -Hey, what are you doing?

They can hear you.

Sorry, we just had a little wine tonight.

-I should probably get her home. -Yeah, no problem.

-Can we have your table? -Yeah, sure.

And let's catch up next week.

Mm-mm.

[♪]

So what are you going to do now?

I don't know. Just these women I've been seeing.

They've been nightmares.

No wonder they're all divorced.

You need to get online.

I'll help you write up a profile, and we could take some pics

that the ladies are like.

No string of fish and no shirtless selfies in the bathroom the mirror.

The women hate that shit, but the guys just keep on doing it.

I'm not getting online. I'm not going to do it.

Besides, Tina already called me after she heard about what happened with Donya.

She hooked me up with another friend.

We already Face-Timed. Brunette.

Beautiful.

I mean, real sweet.

So I'm bringing her as my date to the Albert Flores wedding.

Don't you know nothing?

You never supposed to take a woman to a wedding.

Come on. What's the worst that can happen?

-[Sam sighs] -It's fine. You'll see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[typing noise]

[♪]

[engine revs]

[woman sighs]

Mmm.

I really needed this.

The kids were driving me crazy.

Mmm.

[kisses]

You're even hotter in person.

-[laughs] -You look fantastic.

You ready?

Can't go in with this.

[gulps] Whoa.

[chuckles]

Let's go.

Repeat after me.

A token of the vows made between us.

-[groom] A token of the vows made between us. -I'm going to marry you.

[minister] With this ring, I pledge to you my love and my life.

I divorced very well, so we're I'm going to need a prenup.

Mmm.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[♪]

[clapping and cheering]

[♪]

Stars of the show.

Those dresses are cute.

-Good to see you. -[glasses clinking]

Hey, buddy.

Albert asked me to hurry up the photographer.

He hates her family and wants to get these photos over with ASAP.

-Look after Sasha for me. -Of course.

Nice to meet you, Mary Jane.

[laughter]

So, what do you do, Sasha?

I'm a flight attendant.

Oh, is that a good living?

It's okay.

Honestly, I need to work more.

But since I met Keith, he's just been wanting me to be together with him.

And it's so weird.

We've spent almost every night together, and we've never had sex.

He doesn't even try.

[laughs] Sounds pretty weird to me. Is he gay?

[laughs]

Keith isn't gay.

He's just going through some health issues.

He's going to be fine.

Just give it a little bit of time.

You guys are going to be great.

That's sweet.

-[gasps] -[fluid splashing]

So sorry.

Fuck.

These are $1,500 shoes.

This fucking cheap champagne's all over my $1,500 shoes.

I'm going to go to the bathroom and try to get this shit off my shoes.

And hopefully, when I get back, they're done with the wedding photos

and we can sit the fuck down.

Fuck.

[♪]

Wow. Must be nice.

I don't even make $1,500 take home most months.

There was absolutely nothing nice about that.

I have to apologize.

I'm sorry, she's clearly been drinking a little bit.

I'm sorry.

You're sweet. I'm going to go look for Keith.

Okay.

[Jeff] You've known Keith for a long time.

Oh, yeah, like 10 years.

I'm sure you've got some stories.

Can you remember that time in Cabo, though?

Okay.

So we were in Cabo, and then he came out in his

flip-lops with his little tiny shorts.

[laughs] That's so Keith.

Hey, sorry.

I got caught up talking to Keith's friends.

This is Holly and Amy. This is Mary Jane.

Hi, Holly.

And I'm out of here.

Excuse me. Hey, wait, what's going on?

Fuck you. And fuck those blonde bitches.

[Jeff] I don't understand. Did they do something to you?

Those are Tina's friends.

Fuck Tina.

And fuck all those fake diamond a dozen blondes with their fake tits and their

fake eye lashes and their fake tans.

You've got to calm down.

You can't just go off on people you don't even know.

Do you know what it's like growing up here with dark hair and dark

eyes and small boobs?

No, I don't know what that's like.

Bleach blonde bitches.

Fuck them and fuck you.

I'm getting an Uber, and you can go be with your little

blonde bitch booby girls!

[grunts]

[♪]

-Sorry about that. -[laughs]

That was really hard to watch.

-It was really hard to experience. -Here.

This will help.

She's freaking insane.

How the hell did you meet her?

She's just friends with Keith's friend, Tina.

Should have been your first clue.

Every time we meet, your experiences seem to have the same outcome.

Yet in every visit, you express the same level of concern.

Why is that?

I don't know.

Is it too much to expect that sooner or later, something's going to change?

Is it me?

Am I just too far out of step now?

Because I feel like I'm asking for something that doesn't exist anymore.

Come here.

Women in your age group are past the point of being timid about sex.

They're also past the point of waiting for a man to make the first move.

The first move?

First states often cause a high level of anxiousness with some people,

and so they may try to combat that anxious feeling with alcohol.

And alcohol weakens inhibitions.

I'd say it slaughters them.

[TV roaring]

[TV gunshots]

-[phone ringing] -What's up?

I finally did it.

Did what? Went home with Tina's friend. The brunette?

[Jeff] What? No, no, no.

That was over before it even started.

And I hate to admit it, but Yes, you were right.

Not to bring a first date to a wedding. That was a disaster.

-So what did you do? -[Jeff] I finally gave in.

I joined a dating site, Millionaires Matchups.com.

Millionaires, huh?

Well, I don't think very many people in here are actually millionaires,

but I thought maybe I'm going to find a classier girl.

Yeah? Well, let me tell you something.

They're the sugar and you're the daddy, in case you didn't know.

-Any luck so far? -Honestly, it's been crazy so far.

It's like fishing with a net.

You need to get at least a dozen dates on your belt before you jump

in to anything too deep.

I only want one thing out of all of this.

What's that?

Details.

Details, huh?

-[birds chirping] -[car approaching]

[door clicks open]

Daddy, Daddy, I miss you.

Come here.

-[grunts] I miss you, too. -What's up, dad?

-How are you doing? -Good, good.

Okay, this is the plan.

Topside golf, hit some balls, get some dinner while we're out there.

What do you say?

And we also have to be home by nine

because it's a school night.

Sure, we'll get you back by nine.

-Are you ready to go on... -Adventure.

And adventure! Let's go.

[Jeff] All right, in the car, in the car.

[car door shuts]

[birds chirping]

[car door shuts]

All right, buckle up, everyone.

[engine revs]

So, my friend Sam, he lives by the adage that

the crazy hot matrix, it always prevails.

I mean, the hotter they are, the crazier they are.

I used to think that this was just some viral internet joke.

Now I think it's scientific fact.

[typing noise]

There are so many scammers out there.

I googled you and you really are who you say you are.

I remember you from the reruns of that old series, The Arizona Trail.

Did you google me?

I did.

I saw that you were an influencer, and you haven't been arrested yet.

-Well done. -Hey, you're funny.

I like that.

Okay, so what's a guy like you doing online?

I just haven't had much luck with friends recommendations recently, so I thought

I'd broaden my horizons geographically.

You're in Austin, right?

I am.

Hey, if you're free tomorrow, you should drive down, maybe after traffic.

There is a great hotel here with a fabulous restaurant.

I think you'd love it.

Maybe we could eat early, like 5:30-ish, and then I could show you around.

Yeah, that actually sounds perfect.

Send me the details, and I'll see you tomorrow.

[♪]

[jet whooshing]

Lacy?

Hi, Jeff.

Hey, I have to say this hotel is great.

How was your drive?

Really easy.

Oh, you're really stunning.

You sound surprised.

I mean, I know I saw you on FaceTime.

Sure, but the screen doesn't do you any justice.

Plus, I've learned to limit my expectations.

[laughs]

Thank you.

[bartender] Hey.

Hi. Can I just have what she's having?

Coffee, but make mine decaf?

Ladies having Spanish coffee, 151 Rum and Kahlua.

Oh.

In that case, just put a shot of Bushmills in mine, but still decaf.

And I'll have another. Thanks.

[Jeff] Two shots of Kahlua and two shots of 151?

Here we go.

You know you look pretty good yourself, by the way, even with a shirt on.

Online, it looks like you didn't even own a shirt, so.

[laughs]

Oh, and that shot of you from that show you wear the speedo in?

-[groans] -[both laughing]

I bet you never thought that the internet would explode and everybody would

be zooming in on your package.

No, honestly, it's humiliating.

I mean, actually, at the time, it was just a job.

I didn't know the photographer was going to end up leaking them online.

[Lacy laughing]

[bartender] Here you go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-[glasses clinking] -[giggles]

[♪]

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

This is actually really sweet.

Could I just do a vodka soda with a twist of lemon instead?

-Sure. -Oh, that actually sounds good.

I'll have one of those, too.

Wait, I'm actually not a big soda girl.

Can I just get a double vodka on the rocks, fresh lime juice, salted rim?

-Thanks. -Coming right up.

[♪]

I'll have another one of these when you get a second.

You know, you're awfully cute, you fucker.

[kisses]

You motherfucker.

Last one's on the house.

Loved you in Midnight Eyes 3.

Thank you.

-Could we order some food, please? -No, not me.

I will have a double vodka on the rocks, lime juice, salted rim.

Thank you.

Can we just do a shrimp cocktail for a starter?

I'll bring that right away.

[Jeff] Oh, my God. How does this keep happening to me?

Are you sure you don't want to put some food in your stomach before

you have another drink?

No, I do not.

You know what you have?

-What's that? -You have a room upstairs.

[Jeff] Absolutely not. No way.

No.

Let's go upstairs.

Okay, so I have an early morning tomorrow, and I think we should just put

you in an Uber and get you home.

I'm not leaving my car here, and I'm not taking an Uber,

and I can't drive, so you're taking me upstairs.

You fucker.

[Jeff] Lacy.

Hang on. What are you doing?

[chuckles] What does it look like I'm doing?

Okay.

No, no, no, no. Here, here.

Put this on, please.

-There. Arms up. -[Lacy giggling]

-Oh! -[Lacy giggles]

There we go.

You're really putting clothes on me.

You don't think I'm hot?

-I'm hot, you fucker. -Yes, no.

You're very hot. But it's cold in here.

[Jeff] She is too freaking hammered. Think fast.

Give her a massage.

She'll pass out and you can get some sleep.

Okay, here.

Turn around. There we go.

Oh, wow. Yeah, look, you're tense.

-There we go. -Are we having sex?

What? No, no, no.

Just rubbing your shoulders. You're very tense.

Just a little massage. I want you to relax.

And then we're having sex?

Yeah, just close your eyes.

Close your eyes. There we go.

There we go.

[thuds]

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

Where am I?

Oh, shit. It's you.

Oh, I'm so drunk.

[Jeff] No, no, just pretend you're asleep.

Let her calm down. Hopefully, she'll go back to bed.

You fucker.

You motherfucker.

[Jeff] I'm sorry, please. Stop.

Get some sleep. I'm wiped out.

I have to get up early in the morning.

Did you hear him?

He's wiped out.

He has to get up early in the morning.

You... fucker.

[Jeff] Stop.

You motherfucker.

[Jeff] Please stop, please stop.

You motherfucker. [laughs]

Okay, that's it. That's it.

That's it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, this would be fun.

I don't care that you're drunk, drugged, whatever it is.

I'm not taking another second of your crazy shit.

Come on, get yourself. Get out.

Go, get purse. Grab your purse.

I'll help you with your things. Go, this way.

Door, that way.

[door slams]

There, now you're blocked.

You fucker.

It was a beating.

Three hours to get there.

Gas, drinks, a lot of them.

Hotel room and parking for the night, and then four hours in traffic, going home.

Absolute total nightmare.

And this was a girl that seemed so normal and promising.

Ended up being the worst by far.

Well, at least up until that point.

[typing noise]

[woman] I broke up with my fiancé yesterday.

You're my first millionaire match-up date.

I mean, I'm so happy we met.

I like you so much.

I have court tomorrow with my ex-husband over child support.

Do you want to go with me?

But you're going to have to pick me up. My car died.

I need a new one, and my credit sucks.

Hey, do you know any car guys? Can we stop and get some cereal, milk,

and eggs before you take me home?

I need to get some food for the kids.

[♪]

Okay.

[kisses]

Oh, my gosh.

I want you so bad.

I'm gonna give you this.

[moaning]

[record scrathing]

-Hey. -[tapping]

Can't do this here.

Yeah, sorry. We're just heading out.

Hey, ain't you that guy from Midnight Eyes?

-Yeah, I am. -I knew it.

You were a badass security guard, man.

You made me proud.

Loved you in Midnight Eyes.

Loved you in Midnight Eyes 3, too.

[typing noise]

[♪]

These dating sites can be so hit or miss,

-but you're really refreshing. -Thank you.

You, too.

I've had a wonderful night, but I guess it's time we get

you back home with your kids.

No, I'm good.

You're so sweet for asking.

I needed a break, so I booked a room.

-[keys jangling] -Come, walk me.

Mmm.

-[laughs] -[elevator dings]

Come in for a minute.

Sure.

I am so hot for you. [moans]

I need it right now. Come here.

Hey!

Slow, slow, slow down.

We just met.

But I really like you.

[moans]

-Come on. -Oh, come on, I'm a doctor.

I see patients all day.

I go home to my husband who's a wimp, and he's boring, and I'm sick of him.

At least he's there to watch the kids when I'm gone, but I need sex.

I can't go home to him without it.

[Jeff] Come on, come on.

This is not a good idea.

STDs, AIDS, no condoms.

Come on, you're a doctor, and you live with your husband.

You're married. You have little kids at home.

This is not a good combination.

I know everything that you're saying is true, and I don't care.

I really should get going.

Come on, don't, please. I can't believe you're turning me down.

I do this all the time.

[typing noise]

Thank you for dinner. You're a great talker.

You're lucky you asked me out before Wednesday.

Why Wednesday?

Because me and my girlfriend have this rule that if a guy asks you out

for the weekend after Wednesday, you say no, even if you have

zero plans and sit at home alone.

I've never heard of that rule before.

Oh, it's a real rule.

[laughing]

Dinner was so good, and I love talking to you.

me too.

My girlfriends think that you are so cute, and it's a big plus that you

haven't texted any of them.

Not sure what that means.

My girlfriends and I we're all single, so we're all on the same website,

and a lot of the same guys will text us.

And we'll compare notes,

[laughs] especially when they use the same lines

and just cut and paste it to a few of us.

People do that?

Wait, how many guys are you and your friends talking to?

I mean, you talk to a whole bunch of guys, and then you narrow it down to five or

six, and then you whittle that down to two or three, and then down to one

that seems most promising.

Online dating is a big numbers game.

-So you know what tonight is? -Uh, Thursday.

[laughs] It's the dreaded third date.

And what's dreaded about that?

My girlfriends and I, we have this rule that if you go out with a guy

three times, it's either moving forward or it's not.

So are we moving forward?

We're still getting to know each other.

We really just met. Right.

So I assume moving forward is being exclusive?

Well, my girlfriends and I, we think you just know.

And clearly, you don't.

Wait a minute. That's it?

Am I going to see you again?

No, you won't.

You had your chance.

I'm not making this up. This actually happened.

[therapist] I believe you.

-Sounds like a lot of rules. -Yeah, well, it is.

It certainly seems like you're casting a wider net.

But the wider the net, the greater variety of the catch.

Yeah, this has definitely been eye-opening.

That's for sure.

And don't tell me there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I know that.

But I do think that you're coming around to the notion that a meaningful

relationship is more than just putting two like-minded people together in a room.

I never said that. I don't think that.

-Did I say that? -You didn't say it.

-Your behavior showed it. -You know what I think?

I think I need my own set of rules.

[car approaching]

Marrit, hi.

Jeff, how are you?

I heard you move to the neighborhood.

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce, but it's good for the Jews, no?

Yes, thank you. I just moved in.

It's fully furnished.

Walls are a little beige. Karen got all the artwork.

You know, I get a discount at all of the local galleries.

I never pay retail.

Just ask my husband.

-How is Irwin? -Irwin? [sighs]

Revolting.

He has elephantiasis of the scrotum.

His testicles are the size of grapefruits. It's disgusting.

I am sure he got some disease from one

of his bimbos, but I pretend not to know,

and he gets satisfied.

So better them than me.

So I am going to go home and shower, but I know where you live.

I could come back later and give you some ideas.

Today?

Sure. Yeah, I guess I could work.

Sam's stopping by to see the new place, and then I have dinner tonight,

but we'll be done well before then, right?

Oh, that's up to you.

I'll see you soon.

-[car door shuts] -[engine starting]

[gravel crunching]

[car door shuts]

-Hey, Sam, what's up? -Marrit?

Really?

Be careful. She used to be in the Israeli army.

Hey, slow down. She's married.

That ain't never stopped Marrit.

Hey, let's hear it. I want dating details.

If you really want to know, it's a feeding frenzy.

It's freaking crazy.

And they got all these rules, the Wednesday rule, the three-date rule.

I'd have had my fair share of dates, but I ain't never heard of no three-date rule.

It's a thing.

[footsteps]

Excuse me. Can I just ask you a quick question?

You ever hear of the three-date rule?

Of course. Everyone here goes by the three-date rule.

-Can you explain it to my friend? -Sure.

If you go out with a guy three times, you fuck him.

Thank you.

Man, how much is this new feeding frenzy cost you so far?

What are you talking about?

I don't pay to try to have sex with these women.

You pay one way or the other.

If you're married, you pay.

If you're single, you pay.

Hey, read my lips.

There's no such thing as free pussy.

It's going to cost you someway, somehow.

-I guess you're right. -You damn right, I'm right.

It's probably a good thing, too, with all this pound me too shit.

What?

Pound me too?

What are you saying?

Pound sign, me too.

It's #metoo.

Man, I don't know what the hell a hashtag is, but the pound sign has been

around for thousands of years.

And whatever millennial fool renamed a thousand-year-old symbol,

a fucking hashtag,

doesn't mean I got to play along. I ain't no sheep.

Forget it. Let's go inside.

Got to get ready for my next date.

I just want a real connection.

I'm tired of being treated like a piece of meat.

Man, you're a glutton for punishment.

[knocking]

[footsteps]

-Is this a good time? -This is perfect.

I was just getting ready to go out to dinner.

You definitely made a pop of color on these walls.

Lucky I know what to do.

Overall, not too bad, though.

Well, thanks.

I mean, nobody really sees it except for me.

And that is what we need to change.

You know, Irwin is out of town, and we have all night if we want.

Remember, I have dinner What's your plan?

Boychik, I'll make you forget all about food.

-[cracking] -Ow, you're hurting me.

-I know. -[thuds and grunts]

Wait, did you learn that in the army?

-Oh, please tell me you are circumcised. -Well, yes.

[Marrit] Thank God.

After Irwin's testicles, I couldn't take another aberration.

-[grunting] -Hang on, hang on.

This is not a good idea. You're married.

-I know Irwin. -So. Irwin is a disgusting chazzer, a pig.

-Yes, but we... -Shh.

Marrit needs a release.

-[panting] -[item rustling]

Ahh.

What's that?

Bootleg Quaalude... Make us crazy, and we make love all night.

[spits]

[spits]

[grunts]

Hey, look, this is a really bad idea.

And no, you can't stay here tonight.

I have dinner plans, and I'm not taking some bootleg drug.

You little shit.

You, of all people, you get back on this sofa right now and you make me come.

No.

I'm sorry. This is a mistake.

I have dinner. I have to leave.

Take your time. Show yourself out.

You are nothing like your cheap movies, Jeff Brock.

You are a little bitch.

[scoffs]

[keys jangling]

[typing noise]

[♪]

I don't have a car right now, and I have work in the morning,

and my office is right next door.

So you have two choices.

You can take me home and fuck me with that big cock of yours and then drop

me off at work in the morning, or you can take me all the way home,

which is an hour each way.

Your choice.

[♪]

Yeah, I only drink vodka.

And ever since my husband died, it's cocktail hour for me all the time.

Did I tell you?

I have a really big clit.

[♪]

So at first I thought it was the alcohol that was the common denominator that was

causing all this inappropriate behavior.

But some of them are even crazier when they're stone cold, sober.

I don't get it. I don't.

And I'm trying to do everything that I can just to find somebody who's normal.

So what you're saying is you're a magnet for the crazy train.

Is that it?

Bro, you are the common denominator. You ever think about that?

So tell me this.

Every woman in town goes from zero to horny in

2.5 cocktails.

Then they transmogrify

into the night of the Living Dead and want to shove pills

-down her mouth in yours. -Yes.

Now, that's some crazy shit.

[laughs]

[typing noise]

[kisses]

Your lips are so soft.

They're like a Rolls-Royce.

[laughs] Have you ever said that to anyone before?

No, and honestly, it just slipped out.

Because that sounds just like something our lover would have said.

Our lover?

Yeah.

Probably not great first-date talk, but I believe in full disclosure.

And I kind of like you, so here it goes.

After a few years, my ex-husband and I decided to have an open marriage.

We had a lover, a woman, a few of them actually, but only one at a time.

At first it was cool and sexy, but then after a while,

he started to gravitate more towards them.

According to him, it was because they swallowed and I don't.

Then once he came, I couldn't even do my move.

Your move?

I have this move.

If you were inside of me, I hunch my pelvis and grind it in a

certain way, and then I just go crazy.

Anyway, he started to think it was okay to see them without me,

and our marriage just went away.

Yeah, wow. That's a lot.

Like I said, I'm all about full disclosure.

Have you ever considered that your film career might be part of your problems?

What? No.

Not really.

I don't know. Maybe.

You've already told me that some of your dates have googled you

in advance of meeting.

That means they've seen you in a series of revealing photographs.

The shirtless hunk...

I guess I have to make you want to see me, don't I?

Perhaps they've seen you in your movies and your love scenes with

a variety of young starlets.

-Let me at least give you a blowjob. -Hey, stop.

Yeah, but that was just a job. It's acting.

It's fantasy. It's not real.

True.

But is it too much to consider that they might think that they're

part of this fantasy as well?

Come on, you can't be serious.

Can't I?

[typing noise]

[thunder crashing]

[rain pouring]

The rain.

Oh, I love the rain.

This is beautiful.

Oh.

[rain pattering]

You know?

You have an artist spirit.

-I am artist, too. -You're an artist.

What kind of art?

I am tambourine artist.

Also ballerina, also Olympics swimmer.

Tambourine art? What is that?

I'll show you.

-[tambourine jangling] -[thuds]

[clears throat]

[tambourine jangling]

[screams]

[rolls tongue]

[tambourine crashing]

You like?

I take lessons twice a week.

-It shows. -Mmm.

[typing noise]

And my son, Hunter, he's such a good student.

He goes to SMU and loves it.

And his girlfriend, Sheranda, is the cutest thing.

And everybody thinks she's black, but she's not, because of her name.

[Jeff] Please, please stop talking.

My jaw hurts from pretending to smile all night.

I'm not listening to a word you're saying.

I just want to leave.

Anyway, they met at SMU, and they are just the cutest couple.

And as you know, SMU is not easy to get into.

-So I go to see them a lot. -Excuse me, check, please.

Wait, I'm not done.

-I want dessert. -Are you sure?

I mean, sure.

The lady would like some dessert, please.

I will have another glass of wine.

And do you have fresh berries and whipped cream?

Yes, we do.

Great. How Is your whip cream made?

Uhmm...

I'm not sure I understand.

A whip cream is made with heavy whipping cream, vanilla extract, and sugar.

Unless they add some flavoring.

So she's just going to do the berries and whip cream, please.

-And thank you. -Wait, I want to know how it's made.

I just told you how it's made.

Well, I'd like to know for sure how it's made.

[chuckles]

I'm quite sure it's what he just said.

I want her to ask the chef.

I will speak to the chef.

[plates clanking]

[Jeff] Why does this keep happening to me?

I just need to stop dating.

God, I can't stand another minute of this.

[waitress] Here you go.

I spoke to the chef, and it's exactly as the gentleman said,

fresh whipping cream, vanilla, and cane sugar.

Great. I'll have it then. [chuckles]

Mmm. That is so good.

I just wanted to make sure it wasn't that old, canned stuff.

So the real question was not how is your whipped cream made?

It was actually whether or not it was canned or fresh.

The whipped cream is great. We're good.

-Thanks. -Can I get you anything else?

-Maybe some coffee? -Oh, no coffee.

Just the check, please. And here's my card.

-Thank you. -What's your hurry?

I want to sit and talk to you.

But we've already talked so much already.

-[woman laughs] -At least you have.

What does that mean?

You've done absolutely nothing but just talk about yourself for two straight hours.

You haven't asked me once anything about myself, my life.

I mean, really about anything for that matter.

That's really mean.

I'm not trying to be mean.

I'm just telling you the truth.

That's no way to get to know somebody.

I-I thought it was going so well.

How could you possibly think this was going well?

We're obviously not going to see each other again.

How can you say that?

Look, I'm sorry, but I just have to be honest.

You berated our poor waitress over how to make whipped cream.

This is Le Petite Moule, for God's sakes. It's not Denny's.

[Jeff clears throat]

[Jeff] Thank you.

I really need to leave.

I'm sorry.

I know you Ubered here, and so I'm happy to drop you off wherever

you need, or I could send an Uber for you if you'd like.

I--

-[woman sniffs] -Why are you crying?

Because I liked you.

You don't know anything about me.

You had two hours to find out.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying here.

I can get my own Uber.

Are you sure?

Okay, because I'm really uncomfortable, and I can't sit here for another minute.

Just go, then.

[sobbing]

[typing noise]

[♪]

Dione?

Oh, hello Jeff.

-So nice to meet you. [kisses] -Oh, hi.

Hi. I brought coffee, and croissants.

Thank you very much.

How about we share them and take a walk?

I'm sorry for staring.

You're just so much prettier than your photos.

-[laughs] -But yes, I would love to go for a walk with you.

Yeah.

Wait, so how do you say it?

Le Petit Chou.

-Le Petit Chou. -Mmm-hmm.

-And what does this mean? -Little Cabbage.

Little Cabbage. And that's a term of endearment?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

The water is so beautiful.

Yeah, almost as beautiful as you.

[laughs]

Look, Jeff, I really like you, but I have this three-dates rule

before I sleep with someone.

Yeah, I hear that's the thing around here.

A coffee and croissant count as breakfast, so we can get lunch if you're free

and dinner if you're free and get it all out of the way today.

Hmm?

So you want to do three dates in one day?

God, you make me want you now.

I have a confession.

-Already? -I hope you don't judge.

No, of course. I'll try to keep an open mind.

I want you in my derrière.

It is my preference.

A little bit more.

The little death.

Orgasm 10 times more strong.

I hope that is okay.

You mean as a condiment or a main course?

As a main course.

Damn, that's like having Grey Poupon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

-Yeah. -Hey, don't get me wrong.

I like a little spicy mustard every night then.

But know a little goes a long ways.

-Here are those drinks for you. -Thank you, love.

Of course.

Pardon me, but can you tell me how your whipped cream is made?

Excuse me?

[Jeff clears throat] Stop. Don't listen to him.

Ignore everything he says.

Can I just please get the Arugula salad with chicken?

Mmm-hmm. Sure thing.

-And for you? -And I'll have the Nicoise.

-Just a light sear on the tuna, please. -Perfect.

I'll get that right out to you, and I will check on that whipped cream.

Thank you.

With a light sear on that tuna, please.

You know what has become abundantly clear to me?

Enlighten me.

You've been spending way too much time on these dates with these women.

You need to cut them short.

How do you suggest I do that?

No more meals, coffee or happy hour only.

You're going to save a shitload of money, and it won't take you 2 hours to realize

whether they're psycho or not.

You'll be able to discover that shit in the first three minutes.

That's actually a great idea.

Yeah.

[typing noise]

[woman] Have you ever had a happy ending?

That's an interesting question.

Why do you ask?

Because I just went to Cancun with my girlfriends, and I got a happy ending.

Really?

Isn't it typically the guy who gets a happy ending?

Not this time.

I went to the spa and I had this Mr. Har-vay, and he was rubbing me so good.

And then he told me to flip over on my back, and he started massaging

my legs and then my thighs, and he went a little higher up

on my thighs, and I said Oh, and so he went a little higher.

And I said oooh, and before you know it, his head is

between my legs and I got a happy ending.

And it did not take long. [giggles]

-Well, I I hope you tipped the man. -Well, of course.

I went to the spa desk to check out and told him I wanted to leave a tip.

And they asked who my monsieur was, and I said, Har-vay.

And they smiled, and they looked

at each other and they said, "Oh? Har-vay."

Did you go back and tell your girlfriends?

Well, hell, yeah, I did.

And it was so good.

I went back the next day and I did it again.

Oh, He's in high demand.

Believe you me.

The kids and I just got back from spring break in Cancun.

Nice. Was it fun?

They had a blast, and I just spent all day pampering myself at the spa.

Manny's, Petty's, facials.

And the best massage ever, if you know what I mean.

-Do you mean a happy ending? -Hell, yes.

And it was cosmic.

Was his name Har-vay?

-And did he like bury his face down there. -What?

God, no. That's gross.

But he did get me off with those

stubby little Mexican fingers.

[typing noise]

[♪]

[woman] Jeff.

Hi, I'm Carla.

[ding]

[woman] Hi, Jeff.

I'm Amanda.

Hi, Jeff. I'm Rebecca.

-You look just like your pictures. -[laughs] Thanks.

I grew up with morals and sensibilities, and if anything, guys were inappropriate.

But in today's dating world, people say anything, do anything

without even thinking about it.

I mean, if I got a happy ending at a spa, I wouldn't be broadcasting

it on a first date.

And then what's up with catfishing?

The bait and switch photos?

They know they're going to meet you eventually, and you're expecting

Beyoncé and in walks Bigfoot.

[typing noise]

[♪]

Jeff, you are a handsome one.

Thank you, Hilde, and you're beautiful.

Thank you.

Cocktail's yours.

I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I just ordered you a vodka.

Vodka's perfect. But I thought you didn't drink.

I don't.

But I love seeing normies drink.

-[laughs] -It's nice to know you think I'm a normie.

[laughs]

Okay, so you don't drink. You're a therapist.

-Well, hypnotherapy, right? -Yes.

What patients do you normally counsel?

Mostly addiction.

I was an addict for 10 years.

So I've got lots of experience.

Wow, but an addict?

So what was your addiction?

Drugs, darling.

Meth, heroin, alcohol.

-The hard stuff. -Yes.

But I've been sober for five years, and I love normies.

People who can control it.

You can just tell that I'm a normie?

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Oh, it's lovely, darling.

It makes you very sexy.

So you just had a recent breakup, right?

Yes.

And dating is such a chore.

Quite simply, I'm just a one-man woman.

So what's your sexual fantasy then?

[Jeff] Wow, and even stone cold sober.

Well, I don't know.

I haven't really thought about it that much, but if I did, I imagine it was

vastly different than it was 10 years ago.

What about you?

Well, like I said, I'm just a one-man woman.

But I do fancy a bird every now and again.

Well, maybe once a month It's more of a need than a fantasy, I suppose.

Bird?

Sorry, a girl, a woman.

-Uh, Oh. -[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

It's just something I need to satisfy every now and again.

Okay, so what bird do you fancy?

I quite like darker, big tits, big ass,

you know, rather the zaftig and swarthy.

Opposites attract, I suppose. [chuckles]

So how does that work?

You just walk into a bar and find someone?

How do you know which one's going to be receptive?

Don't be daft.

You never do it at home, silly.

You go out of town.

But how are you going to find someone who fits the criteria in a strange place?

You really are sweet and naive, aren't you?

You call a service, and you pay for it, love.

Oh, like a hooker.

But an escort?

A service?

Okay, I got it. I got it.

You call up a service and you ask for a dark, zaftig swarthy girl with big

tits and big ass to come to your room.

[giggles]

And you just do it alone?

Of course not, no.

I told you, I'm a one-man woman.

I want you, if you were my man, to do it with me.

Boss.

The man is always boss of the bedroom.

So what does that look like?

Okay, darling.

Well, the girl comes to the room.

I undress her, she undresses me, and I have her go down on me.

And then what would I?

If I was your man, what would I do?

Whatever you want, darling.

Then I like to go down on her while the man takes me from behind.

[laughs]

Poor thing.

You should see your face.

Bet she didn't put that shit in her dating profile.

Damn. If she did, I'd be all over that.

Now, that's my therapy.

You got issues, man.

I just want normal and easy.

What about that situation?

Is normal and easy?

I mean, don't get me wrong. On one hand, sure.

Nice girl on the outside, intelligent.

She's got a successful practice doing therapy for broken people.

Got it. Other hand, ex-meth and heroine addict?

Sure, recovered. Good for her.

Bonus points.

But let's not forget the random hookups with the dark Buxom hooker.

Are you crazy?

A woman that wants to have a threesome, especially once a month?

That's like seeing Sasquatch.

She's a unicorn.

-[laughs] -That's like a fantasy.

Back when we were kids and I wanted to be an astronaut.

But as an adult, every girl I've spoken to that says you

bring another woman into the relationship, and it destroys it.

Think about it.

When you were a kid, three of you got together to play,

one person always ended up being left out and crying in a corner.

Maybe you, but not me.

I whooped both of those other kid's ass.

[sighs] It doesn't matter.

All I'm saying is that I'm tired of all of these rules and then the double

standards that throw the rules out the window, like the Wednesday

-rule and the three-date rule. -Three dates my ass.

My philosophy is this.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they come back, you let their ass go again because nobody else wanted them.

Dating, it's like a full-time job, and there's this epidemic of craziness

amongst the available single people.

And I swear, with all the dysfunction that I've been seeing, I don't even want

to have sex with anybody ever again.

I mean, okay, yes, I want to have sex, but not until I get to know them really well.

I'm going to start adding my own three-date rule on top of their three-date rule

until I know that they're not going to turn into Freddy Kruger.

Hey, after a 15-year marriage, being with the woman who withheld sex, you

can't be afraid to get back in the saddle.

It's your duty to test those sex waters.

If you don't, you're liable to end up with another

Karen, and I know you don't want that.

-Of course not. -Then you need to get busy.

Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

Don't worry, I'm not giving up

hope. I've got another date. Pretty Christian girl.

Praise the Lord.

[typing noise]

[♪]

Maren?

Oh, hey. Jeff, right?

Yes.

Hi. Can I have what she's having?

-Yes. -And I will have one more.

Any food? The kitchen closes in 20 minutes?

I will have your grilled chicken salad.

Sounds good for me, too.

[music and indistinct chatter]

So I want to know all about you.

You know, my dad is a Baptist preacher.

My faith is very important to me.

Well, I can only imagine. What would you like to know?

Tell me about your faith.

Can you be more specific? Do you believe in Jesus?

Food will be out shortly.

Thank you.

Come on, let's have it.

Tell me about your faith.

Okay.

Well, I was raised Catholic by my grandmother,

and then I left the Catholic Church when I was about 16 years old.

My other grandparents, they were Methodists,

so I had a pretty diverse perspective on denominational Christianity.

And I guess I'm totally non-denominational.

But do you believe in Jesus?

Do you believe that he was the Son of God?

Do you believe he died for our sins?

Do you believe that his blood redeemed us and saved us from eternal damnation.

All right. Is there anything else I can get you?

No, we're good.

I will have a glass of Pinot Grigio.

Okay.

Are you sure you don't want to eat something first?

Oh, no, I'm not hungry.

I'll just take it with me.

[Jeff] Then why'd you order it?

Sorry, can we actually box both of these up to go?

Okay.

Do you normally get this deep on all your first dates?

-Well, my faith is very important to me. -So you said.

So I want to know about you, and I want to know about your faith.

I thought we covered all that.

Well, I want to hear it again.

You know, my faith is really important to me if I date someone.

You I made that very clear.

[bartender] Here you go.

You guys have a good afternoon.

Here, that should be enough to cover it and just keep the rest as a tip.

Well, loved you in Midnight Eyes. [ding]

Are you sure you're okay to drive?

I told you I'm fine.

I just lived down the street.

-[car alarm beeps] -This is you?

Mm-hmm.

[car door shuts]

Okay, Maren.

I'm putting the food down here.

Make sure you bring it inside when you get home.

Don't forget it. Drive safe.

Maybe text me when you get there.

Wait, where are you going? Get in.

I want to talk to you.

I need to get home to call my kids.

Come on, please.

I want to talk.

Okay, just for a few minutes.

[car door shuts]

[seat whirring]

Come here.

I want to talk to you.

[moaning and kissing]

-I want you to tell me. -Tell you what?

Tell me if you believe in Jesus.

I already told you in the restaurant.

God, that makes me so hot.

[moans]

Tell me again.

Tell me right now.

Do believe that he's the son of God? Tell me yes.

-Yes. -Yes.

Oh, touch me.

Kiss me.

Tell me you believe he died for our sins?

Tell me you believe. I believe.

-Tell me you believe. -I believe.

Oh, you believe you died for our sins, yeah?

Yes, I believe.

[moaning]

Oh, my God. I want you.

I want you right here.

Let's move forward.

We don't even need to date.

We can just be exclusive. Oh, my God.

-I'm so wet. -Oh, wait.

Wait, wait. Hang on.

Hang on. Wait, wait.

[panting]

Where are you going?

We just met.

I think we need to take things a little more slowly.

I can't believe you're leaving me.

I'm not leaving you.

I just need to get home and call my kids.

You said you live close by, right? So you're going to be fine.

Just remember to text me when you get back, please.

[Maren sighs]

I said I want to move forward with you.

-[car door shuts] -[engine starting]

[tires screeching]

[crashing]

[typing noise]

[♪]

[gravel crunching]

[car door shuts]

[birds chirping]

Jeff.

Hi.

I'm Brigitte.

Nice to meet you.

You ready?

Sure. Let me just finish this first.

Takes the edge off.

[Jeff] Yeah, Where's the edge? Where's the edge?

[squeals]

-Let's go. -[laughs]

[cup clattering]

There's a lake out back where I just love to walk.

So You're an actor?

Well, I used to be. Not anymore.

Now I produce.

What about you? Do you work?

Of course I work.

I'm an entrepreneur. I have my own company.

I sell dirt.

Dirt?

Hell, yeah.

It's a commodity just like everything else.

I got eyes and ears all over this town, so whenever there's a free mound

of dirt somewhere, I know about it.

Then I send Pedro and Gilberto to go pick it up.

Then I broker it for sale.

It's almost all profit except for my guy's day, right?

Do you like my lips?

Yeah, they look great.

My mama named me after Brigitte Bardot, so whenever I get my Botox, I get my lips

injected, so I look just like her. [giggles]

But you're naturally beautiful.

You don't need any of that.

Don't tell me what I need and don't need.

I will get my Botox and my lips, and ain't nobody going to tell me not to.

Sorry, I meant it more as a compliment, if anything.

[laughs] Okay.

I just hate people telling me what to do.

Hey, there's this guy I just love playing at the piano bar tonight.

Do you want to go?

Sure.

-Yeah. -[message chimes]

[Sam] Don't be no wimp.

Get back in the saddle.

Oh, it's just a friend of mine.

-Everything okay? -Yeah.

No, everything's fine.

He's just pushing me to do what single people do.

That's all.

You mean have sex?

I will not have sex with any man until I know he's the right one.

I can respect that.

I'm pretty much a monk myself these days.

I just prefer slightly older men who've

been through a divorce and rebounded.

See, I want to have me a baby, and I just want to find someone

that can provide us a certain lifestyle. You know what they say?

[laughs]

The right amount of money can buy youth and beauty.

You just put it all out there, don't you?

[laughs]

I admire that.

[message chimes]

I'm sorry.

Open it.

[Maren] I can't believe you didn't give in to me. Come over.

Do not answer her.

Let's go.

Now.

-Where are we going? -My house.

[birds chirping]

[♪]

I am a rosé, girl.

Okay.

So you take care of me first, then I'll take care of you.

Sound good?

You got to cast a little spell on me to get me there, if you know what I'm saying.

-So just see what I tell you. -[Jeff] Is this really happening?

Scoot over.

[♪]

Okay.

-[slaps] -Not what I told you.

Take this.

-[Jeff] I guess it's happening. -Proceed.

[vibrating noise]

No.

A little to the left.

No, stop, just give it to me.

[gasps]

[shakily] Do not move.

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

-Now, bite my titty. -What?

Bite my titty.

Not the right one, the left one. It's more sensitive.

[muffled gasp]

Oh, yeah.

Bite my titty. Harder.

Harder.

-[smacks] -Harder. Bite my titty.

Do not move your hand from that spot.

-Oh, yeah. -[vibrating continues]

Bite my titty. Harder.

Oh, my God.

Bite my titty.

-Bite my fucking titty, harder. -[muffled moan]

Yes!

[moans]

[panting]

Your turn.

Let's try to make a baby.

[slaps]

[♪]

Fuck you, Jeff Brock.

And fuck you.

God I want you so bad.

A really big clit.

Bite my titty!

-And I got a happy ending. -You like?

You make me want you now.

So are we moving forward?

I said I want to move forward with you.

I'm going to marry you.

Do you believe in Jesus?

Get back on this sofa right now and you make me come.

[gasps]

[heavy breathing]

[phone buzzing]

-Hey, Maren. -[man] Is this Jeff?

Yeah, it is. Who's this?

[man] This is Maren's father.

We found Maren's phone.

She's had the same password since college.

We saw that you had communicated with her.

-Did you see her? -No, I didn't.

I wasn't able to.

[man] I'm sorry to tell you this.

Maren took her life last night.

It wasn't the first time she tried, but she finally succeeded.

Her mother and I thought you should know.

What? I had just recently gotten to know her.

Thank you for letting me know.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[♪]

[birds chirping]

[water lapping]

[♪]

[Jeff] Maybe if I had gone to see her,

she'd still be alive.

No, no, it's not your It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

She's not your responsibility.

I realize that. I do.

[sighs] She had issues.

And I barely even knew her.

Why does everything have to be so hard?

[therapist] You said it yourself.

She had issues that you couldn't possibly know about.

How could you have helped her?

She would of coerced you into a sexual act you didn't want.

It wouldn't have worked out.

And you would have left anyway.

Yeah, probably.

Everything would be exactly as it was before.

You're right.

I just feel so guilty about it.

And then there's the whole situation with Brigitte, too.

Brigitte, the dirt seller who wanted a baby daddy.

A rich baby daddy.

Yeah, she called me a few weeks later and told me she was pregnant.

Oh.

I wondered why I didn't hear from you for a while, How did that news make you feel?

Pretty damn good.

Considering I had my side of the street taken care of.

After Karen and I had our second child, so I knew it wasn't mine.

But I will tell you something.

I'm done.

I'm good. No more dating for me.

No? [chuckles]

If someone wants to be with me, I'm going to wait until they hit

me over the head with that message.

-Really? -[Jeff] Really.

No more chasing normal for me.

I'm not really sure there is such a thing.

Fair enough.

[clock ticking]

Well, will I see you next week?

No.

I don't think so.

But thank you.

Good luck, Jeff.

[items rustling]

Here, I got it.

Thank you.

[book flops]

Thank you.

Yeah.

Hey.

Yeah, I know.

I'm that guy.

I'm sorry. I was just going to say I like your shirt.

It's a really cool pattern.

Oh, this?

-Yeah, that. [laughs] -Well, thank you.

My kids brought it back for me for my birthday from Hawaii.

Oh, I love Hawaii, especially the big island.

-Have you ever been there? -Yeah.

-Well, the Kona side. -Kona?

[sighs] I chaperoned a group of honor students to Kona just last summer.

-Really? -Yeah.

I'm Jeff.

[♪]

Sarah. I just moved here.

Nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too.

Do you want to grab a bite?

-[Sarah laughs] -Yeah, I would.

I'd like to.

I'm just going to return these books to Dr. Reader.

[♪]

Ready?

Yeah.

So Kona, huh?

Yeah, I can't believe you were just there.

I was.

[Jeff] 100 dates?

It was probably more than that.

I just lost count.

Each date started with the hope that it would be different than

the previous disappointment.

Because let's face it, you don't want to throw in the towel

on the off chance that the person you're destined to meet is

right around the corner.

[♪]

And then when you finally find them,

it's all worth the wait.

That's great. Thank you, Jeff.

Great interview. I appreciate you.

Anything else to add?

[exhales]

No.

[laughs]

I think I've said enough.

Okay. [laughs]

-All right. That's a cut. -[claps]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

[music fades]