Original subtitles

Welcome to The Daily Show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to The Daily Show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to The Daily Show. MY NAME IS JON STEWART. We have a program for you

JON STEWART. We have a program for you

JON STEWART. We have a program for you tonight par excellence.

tonight par excellence.

tonight par excellence. French.

French.

French. Also later on tonight, economists Sumaya

Also later on tonight, economists Sumaya

Also later on tonight, economists Sumaya Keynes and Chad P. BONE WILL BE HERE.

Keynes and Chad P. BONE WILL BE HERE.

Keynes and Chad P. BONE WILL BE HERE. >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> THIS IS THE CROWD. MAKE IT SOME NOISE

>> THIS IS THE CROWD. MAKE IT SOME NOISE

>> THIS IS THE CROWD. MAKE IT SOME NOISE FOR THE ECONOMISTS. WE GOT THE BONEHEADS

FOR THE ECONOMISTS. WE GOT THE BONEHEADS

FOR THE ECONOMISTS. WE GOT THE BONEHEADS IN THE HOUSE.

>> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> FIRST

>> FIRST

>> FIRST I WANT TO CHECK WITH THEM. IS EVERYBODY

I WANT TO CHECK WITH THEM. IS EVERYBODY

I WANT TO CHECK WITH THEM. IS EVERYBODY FEELING GOOD? You feeling good? You

FEELING GOOD? You feeling good? You

FEELING GOOD? You feeling good? You feeling safe?

feeling safe?

feeling safe? >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> I I know why.

>> I I know why.

>> I I know why. I know why you're feeling good. I know

I know why you're feeling good. I know

I know why you're feeling good. I know why you're feeling safe.

why you're feeling safe.

why you're feeling safe. Cuz daddy's back home.

Cuz daddy's back home.

Cuz daddy's back home. Daddy's back home. He's gone for a

Daddy's back home. He's gone for a

Daddy's back home. He's gone for a couple days in China. We were scared.

Oh, where's daddy? I'm so scared.

Oh, where's daddy? I'm so scared.

Oh, where's daddy? I'm so scared. Where's daddy?

Where's daddy?

Where's daddy? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> But now he's home.

>> But now he's home.

>> But now he's home. And I'm sure he brought us all the

And I'm sure he brought us all the

And I'm sure he brought us all the goodies from China. Cuz as we all know,

goodies from China. Cuz as we all know,

goodies from China. Cuz as we all know, nobody, and I mean nobody,

nobody, and I mean nobody,

nobody, and I mean nobody, is tougher on China.

Rhymes with vagina.

Than Donald J. Trump. The only way

Than Donald J. Trump. The only way

Than Donald J. Trump. The only way you're going to get along well with

you're going to get along well with

you're going to get along well with China is you have to deal from a

China is you have to deal from a

China is you have to deal from a position of strength. I stood up to

position of strength. I stood up to

position of strength. I stood up to China like no administration has ever

China like no administration has ever

China like no administration has ever done before. Nobody was tougher like on

done before. Nobody was tougher like on

done before. Nobody was tougher like on China than I was. I'm the toughest

China than I was. I'm the toughest

China than I was. I'm the toughest person on China, anywhere in the world.

person on China, anywhere in the world.

person on China, anywhere in the world. There's never been anybody tougher on

There's never been anybody tougher on

There's never been anybody tougher on China than me. He's like a BULL IN A

China than me. He's like a BULL IN A

China than me. He's like a BULL IN A CHINA SHOP.

CHINA SHOP.

CHINA SHOP. OR

OR

OR I SHOULD HAVE SAID CALLED over there

I SHOULD HAVE SAID CALLED over there

I SHOULD HAVE SAID CALLED over there shop. You don't

>> [laughter]

>> Oh.

>> Oh.

>> Oh. I'll I'll I'll let myself out. It's all

I'll I'll I'll let myself out. It's all

I'll I'll I'll let myself out. It's all good.

But all right, let's see some of that

But all right, let's see some of that

But all right, let's see some of that famous toughness in action. LET HIM HAVE

famous toughness in action. LET HIM HAVE

famous toughness in action. LET HIM HAVE IT. I WANT to thank President Xi, my

IT. I WANT to thank President Xi, my

IT. I WANT to thank President Xi, my friend. He's a man I respect greatly.

friend. He's a man I respect greatly.

friend. He's a man I respect greatly. The relationship is a very strong one.

The relationship is a very strong one.

The relationship is a very strong one. You're a great leader. I say it to

You're a great leader. I say it to

You're a great leader. I say it to everybody. You're a great leader.

everybody. You're a great leader.

everybody. You're a great leader. Sometimes people don't like me saying

Sometimes people don't like me saying

Sometimes people don't like me saying it, but I say it anyway because it's

it, but I say it anyway because it's

it, but I say it anyway because it's true. I only say the truth.

true. I only say the truth.

true. I only say the truth. YEAH, TAKE THAT.

PRESIDENT XI

PRESIDENT XI

PRESIDENT XI HE'S THE ONLY LEADER WITH BALLS TO COME

HE'S THE ONLY LEADER WITH BALLS TO COME

HE'S THE ONLY LEADER WITH BALLS TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SAY RIGHT TO YOUR FACE

TO YOUR HOUSE AND SAY RIGHT TO YOUR FACE

TO YOUR HOUSE AND SAY RIGHT TO YOUR FACE WHO'S BETTER THAN YOU.

NO ONE.

NO ONE.

NO ONE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? Trump's going to say

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? Trump's going to say

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? Trump's going to say something right now. Xi, you don't even

something right now. Xi, you don't even

something right now. Xi, you don't even have to say it back to him.

You know what? That's okay.

You know what? That's okay.

You know what? That's okay. There's a lot of ways to negotiate.

There's a lot of ways to negotiate.

There's a lot of ways to negotiate. Sometimes you get more flies with honey.

Sometimes you get more flies with honey.

Sometimes you get more flies with honey. So, what did you get, Mr. President?

So, what did you get, Mr. President?

So, what did you get, Mr. President? Trade barriers down? Help with Iran?

Trade barriers down? Help with Iran?

Trade barriers down? Help with Iran? Some of them delicious rare earth

Some of them delicious rare earth

Some of them delicious rare earth metals?

metals?

metals? What's the most significant specific

What's the most significant specific

What's the most significant specific thing you walk away from here for the

thing you walk away from here for the

thing you walk away from here for the US? I think the most important thing is

US? I think the most important thing is

US? I think the most important thing is relationship. It's all about

relationship. It's all about

relationship. It's all about relationship.

>> [laughter]

>> So, nothing.

>> So, nothing.

>> So, nothing. YOU GOT NOTHING.

YOU GOT NOTHING.

YOU GOT NOTHING. You flew to

You flew to

You flew to What did you

What did you

What did you 400 million miles? I don't know how far

400 million miles? I don't know how far

400 million miles? I don't know how far IT IS. CHINA'S FAR.

IT IS. CHINA'S FAR.

IT IS. CHINA'S FAR. YOU FLEW THERE TO PERSONALLY CONFRONT

YOU FLEW THERE TO PERSONALLY CONFRONT

YOU FLEW THERE TO PERSONALLY CONFRONT OUR RIVAL superpower on the escalating

OUR RIVAL superpower on the escalating

OUR RIVAL superpower on the escalating trade and geopolitical tensions between

trade and geopolitical tensions between

trade and geopolitical tensions between us, and all you came back with was his

us, and all you came back with was his

us, and all you came back with was his Instagram?

The tariffs are in place, but we're on

The tariffs are in place, but we're on

The tariffs are in place, but we're on the close friends story now.

the close friends story now.

the close friends story now. Well, he's on mine. Look, was there any

Well, he's on mine. Look, was there any

Well, he's on mine. Look, was there any positive movement? He said

positive movement? He said

positive movement? He said the US was declining but for the last 4

the US was declining but for the last 4

the US was declining but for the last 4 years

years

years and he said what President Trump has

and he said what President Trump has

and he said what President Trump has done in the last 15 16 months has been

done in the last 15 16 months has been

done in the last 15 16 months has been virtually a miracle.

virtually a miracle.

virtually a miracle. He said, "We have the hottest He said,

He said, "We have the hottest He said,

He said, "We have the hottest He said, "We have the hottest country anywhere in

"We have the hottest country anywhere in

"We have the hottest country anywhere in the world."

>> [laughter]

>> Yeah, that's what she said.

>> Yeah, that's what she said.

>> Yeah, that's what she said. No, I'm I'm asking. Is that what she

No, I'm I'm asking. Is that what she

No, I'm I'm asking. Is that what she said?

said?

said? >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> Because uh that quote sounds really a

>> Because uh that quote sounds really a

>> Because uh that quote sounds really a lot like you.

lot like you.

lot like you. President Xi actually took you aside,

President Xi actually took you aside,

President Xi actually took you aside, Donald Trump, and said, actually said,

Donald Trump, and said, actually said,

Donald Trump, and said, actually said, "President Xi said, you have the hottest

"President Xi said, you have the hottest

"President Xi said, you have the hottest country

country

country like no one has ever seen before.

like no one has ever seen before.

like no one has ever seen before. You only need a ballroom. That's all you

You only need a ballroom. That's all you

You only need a ballroom. That's all you need."

Was there at least any information about

Was there at least any information about

Was there at least any information about Xi that you gleaned being over there?

Xi that you gleaned being over there?

Xi that you gleaned being over there? That the United States might be able to

That the United States might be able to

That the United States might be able to exploit in future negotiations?

exploit in future negotiations?

exploit in future negotiations? If you went to Hollywood and you looked

If you went to Hollywood and you looked

If you went to Hollywood and you looked for

for

for a leader of China, you wouldn't you

a leader of China, you wouldn't you

a leader of China, you wouldn't you couldn't find a guy like him. He's tall,

couldn't find a guy like him. He's tall,

couldn't find a guy like him. He's tall, very tall.

very tall.

very tall. And

And

And especially for this country, cuz they

especially for this country, cuz they

especially for this country, cuz they tend to be a little bit shorter.

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> What what what's he talking about?

>> What what what's he talking about?

>> What what what's he talking about? >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> That You came back You come back with

>> That You came back You come back with

>> That You came back You come back with like, "This guy is like

like, "This guy is like

like, "This guy is like I mean, if you're Chinese, you think

I mean, if you're Chinese, you think

I mean, if you're Chinese, you think BUT THIS GUY

SO, APPARENTLY WHEN YOU CAME BACK WITH

SO, APPARENTLY WHEN YOU CAME BACK WITH

SO, APPARENTLY WHEN YOU CAME BACK WITH THIS, President Xi is apparently taller

THIS, President Xi is apparently taller

THIS, President Xi is apparently taller than what a 79-year-old

than what a 79-year-old

than what a 79-year-old white guy's idea of what a Chinese

white guy's idea of what a Chinese

white guy's idea of what a Chinese person's height should be.

person's height should be.

person's height should be. I I listen, it's probably as good as we

I I listen, it's probably as good as we

I I listen, it's probably as good as we can expect from Trump. He probably Yeah,

can expect from Trump. He probably Yeah,

can expect from Trump. He probably Yeah, and she's eyes are definitely wider than

and she's eyes are definitely wider than

and she's eyes are definitely wider than I THOUGHT THEY'D BE.

I THOUGHT THEY'D BE.

I THOUGHT THEY'D BE. >> [screaming]

>> [screaming]

>> [screaming] >> USUALLY you

>> USUALLY you

>> USUALLY you Is it CAN I DO THE EYES TO SHOW THEM?

Is it CAN I DO THE EYES TO SHOW THEM?

Is it CAN I DO THE EYES TO SHOW THEM? IS IT OKAY IF I DO THE EYES?

IS IT OKAY IF I DO THE EYES?

IS IT OKAY IF I DO THE EYES? AND AND THERE WAS NO PEE-PEE IN MY COKE

AND AND THERE WAS NO PEE-PEE IN MY COKE

AND AND THERE WAS NO PEE-PEE IN MY COKE CONTRARY TO WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD.

CONTRARY TO WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD.

CONTRARY TO WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> I

>> I

>> I WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WHAT ARE WE DOING? You might be watching this and wondering

You might be watching this and wondering

You might be watching this and wondering HOW THE IS THIS GUY OUR PRESIDENT?

HOW THE IS THIS GUY OUR PRESIDENT?

HOW THE IS THIS GUY OUR PRESIDENT? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> HOW?

>> HOW?

>> HOW? >> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering] >> HOW IS THIS

>> HOW IS THIS

>> HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

HE SHOULD NOT HAVE THIS JOB, and yet he

HE SHOULD NOT HAVE THIS JOB, and yet he

HE SHOULD NOT HAVE THIS JOB, and yet he does.

does.

does. >> [laughter]

>> Maybe I've got it wrong.

>> Maybe I've got it wrong.

>> Maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe it's Maybe it's time to stop being

Maybe it's Maybe it's time to stop being

Maybe it's Maybe it's time to stop being exasperated by this by Trump.

exasperated by this by Trump.

exasperated by this by Trump. And maybe it's time to see if we can

And maybe it's time to see if we can

And maybe it's time to see if we can glean lessons from Trump's

glean lessons from Trump's

glean lessons from Trump's rise. Look, folks, it's May.

rise. Look, folks, it's May.

rise. Look, folks, it's May. And we were even getting questions about

And we were even getting questions about

And we were even getting questions about it today from young people. It's May.

it today from young people. It's May.

it today from young people. It's May. It's graduation season.

It's graduation season.

It's graduation season. Thousands of graduates are going into

Thousands of graduates are going into

Thousands of graduates are going into the world to interview for their dream

the world to interview for their dream

the world to interview for their dream job. And maybe the advice that we've

job. And maybe the advice that we've

job. And maybe the advice that we've been giving them all along about honesty

been giving them all along about honesty

been giving them all along about honesty and hard work and all that other gay

and hard work and all that other gay

>> [laughter]

>> is completely wrong.

>> is completely wrong.

>> is completely wrong. Maybe we should all be students at

Maybe we should all be students at

Maybe we should all be students at Donald Trump University, which obviously

Donald Trump University, which obviously

Donald Trump University, which obviously you can't be because it was a fraud and

you can't be because it was a fraud and

you can't be because it was a fraud and got shut down. But

got shut down. But

got shut down. But metaphorically

And so that's what we're going to do

And so that's what we're going to do

And so that's what we're going to do tonight.

tonight.

tonight. Class of 2026,

Class of 2026,

Class of 2026, everybody gather around the

everybody gather around the

everybody gather around the whatever it is you watch TV on, or

whatever it is you watch TV on, or

whatever it is you watch TV on, or your phone, brain chip, smart fridge,

your phone, brain chip, smart fridge,

your phone, brain chip, smart fridge, however you're watching this.

however you're watching this.

however you're watching this. We're going to walk you through what you

We're going to walk you through what you

We're going to walk you through what you really need to do

really need to do

really need to do to nail that important job interview

to nail that important job interview

to nail that important job interview Donald Trump way.

Donald Trump way.

Donald Trump way. Let's start at the very beginning. Young

Let's start at the very beginning. Young

Let's start at the very beginning. Young grad, you walk into the room, and what

grad, you walk into the room, and what

grad, you walk into the room, and what have we always told you to do? Eye

have we always told you to do? Eye

have we always told you to do? Eye contact, firm handshake, settle in.

contact, firm handshake, settle in.

contact, firm handshake, settle in. But, that's what losers do.

But, that's what losers do.

But, that's what losers do. What you want to do is set the terms of

What you want to do is set the terms of

What you want to do is set the terms of the battle in the interview. THERE, I

the battle in the interview. THERE, I

the battle in the interview. THERE, I WILL TAKE YOUR HAND.

WILL TAKE YOUR HAND.

WILL TAKE YOUR HAND. I WILL GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

I WILL GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

I WILL GIVE ME YOUR HAND. GIVE IT TO ME.

GIVE IT TO ME.

GIVE IT TO ME. IT IS NOW MY HAND.

IT IS NOW MY HAND.

IT IS NOW MY HAND. I WANT YOUR HAND.

I WANT YOUR HAND.

I WANT YOUR HAND. GIVE ME YOUR

GIVE ME YOUR

GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

HAND.

HAND. >> [applause]

[applause]

>> YOUR PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER MUST KNOW YOU

>> YOUR PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER MUST KNOW YOU

>> YOUR PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER MUST KNOW YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN NOW.

ARE THE CAPTAIN NOW.

ARE THE CAPTAIN NOW. AND IF YOU COME out of that interview

AND IF YOU COME out of that interview

AND IF YOU COME out of that interview with a hand that looks any LESS

with a hand that looks any LESS

with a hand that looks any LESS GROTESQUE THAN THIS ONE,

GROTESQUE THAN THIS ONE,

GROTESQUE THAN THIS ONE, YOU DID IT WRONG. DON'T LOOK AWAY.

LOOK AT IT.

LOOK AT IT.

LOOK AT IT. THAT IS A HAND THAT WON THE INTERVIEW.

THAT IS A HAND THAT WON THE INTERVIEW.

THAT IS A HAND THAT WON THE INTERVIEW. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> HOW DID THE INTERVIEW GO, SON?

MY MY beautiful hand.

ALL RIGHT. SO, NOW

ALL RIGHT. SO, NOW

ALL RIGHT. SO, NOW WE'RE IN THE ROOM.

NOW, we're going to let the interview

NOW, we're going to let the interview

NOW, we're going to let the interview begin. We'll role-play this out.

begin. We'll role-play this out.

begin. We'll role-play this out. WHY DO YOU THINK you're a good fit for

WHY DO YOU THINK you're a good fit for

WHY DO YOU THINK you're a good fit for our firm? You You I went to great

our firm? You You I went to great

our firm? You You I went to great schools.

schools.

schools. I'm like a smart person. I guarantee my

I'm like a smart person. I guarantee my

I'm like a smart person. I guarantee my IQ is much higher than any of these

IQ is much higher than any of these

IQ is much higher than any of these people.

people.

people. >> I'm good at language. I've always been

>> I'm good at language. I've always been

>> I'm good at language. I've always been good at money. I guarantee I have a

good at money. I guarantee I have a

good at money. I guarantee I have a vocabulary better than all of them. I

vocabulary better than all of them. I

vocabulary better than all of them. I know words. I have the best words. I

know words. I have the best words. I

know words. I have the best words. I have a a very very fertile very fertile

have a a very very fertile very fertile

have a a very very fertile very fertile brain.

That's how you do it, graduates. I

That's how you do it, graduates. I

That's how you do it, graduates. I cannot stress this enough. Make your

cannot stress this enough. Make your

cannot stress this enough. Make your answer cocky and super weird.

These other people may be good, but I

These other people may be good, but I

These other people may be good, but I have words and a fertile brain. BRAIN

have words and a fertile brain. BRAIN

have words and a fertile brain. BRAIN BRAIN CAN GET PREGNANT. Pregnant brain.

BRAIN CAN GET PREGNANT. Pregnant brain.

BRAIN CAN GET PREGNANT. Pregnant brain. Pregnant brain make more brain. Lots of

Pregnant brain make more brain. Lots of

Pregnant brain make more brain. Lots of brain.

Now, the next thing the interviewer is

Now, the next thing the interviewer is

Now, the next thing the interviewer is going to say to you is, "Why do you want

going to say to you is, "Why do you want

going to say to you is, "Why do you want to work here?"

to work here?"

to work here?" And the right answer is, "I don't." I

And the right answer is, "I don't." I

And the right answer is, "I don't." I didn't need this job. I had a very nice

didn't need this job. I had a very nice

didn't need this job. I had a very nice life. I think I would have been a good

life. I think I would have been a good

life. I think I would have been a good general.

general.

general. >> My mother, she said that Son, you could

>> My mother, she said that Son, you could

>> My mother, she said that Son, you could be a professional baseball player. I

be a professional baseball player. I

be a professional baseball player. I could have been a flutist. I could have

could have been a flutist. I could have

could have been a flutist. I could have been sunbathing on the beach. You have

been sunbathing on the beach. You have

been sunbathing on the beach. You have never seen a body so beautiful.

never seen a body so beautiful.

never seen a body so beautiful. >> [cheering]

[applause]

[applause]

>> Yes, any firm would be lucky to grab

>> Yes, any firm would be lucky to grab

>> Yes, any firm would be lucky to grab such a talented

such a talented

such a talented athlete, flutist,

athlete, flutist,

athlete, flutist, nudist.

nudist.

nudist. But you know, the interviewer's on the

But you know, the interviewer's on the

But you know, the interviewer's on the back foot. They got all their stupid

back foot. They got all their stupid

back foot. They got all their stupid pre-planned questions that

pre-planned questions that

pre-planned questions that everybody's supposed to have a pro forma

everybody's supposed to have a pro forma

everybody's supposed to have a pro forma response to, and you just get to knock

response to, and you just get to knock

response to, and you just get to knock them down one after the other. Oh, tell

them down one after the other. Oh, tell

them down one after the other. Oh, tell us about one of your weaknesses. Yeah, I

us about one of your weaknesses. Yeah, I

us about one of your weaknesses. Yeah, I have weaknesses. I really believe I have

have weaknesses. I really believe I have

have weaknesses. I really believe I have weaknesses, but it's something I don't

weaknesses, but it's something I don't

weaknesses, but it's something I don't like discussing cuz I don't want to give

like discussing cuz I don't want to give

like discussing cuz I don't want to give it up. THAT'S THE STUFF. IN THE

it up. THAT'S THE STUFF. IN THE

it up. THAT'S THE STUFF. IN THE INTERVIEW, WHAT ARE your weaknesses? I

INTERVIEW, WHAT ARE your weaknesses? I

INTERVIEW, WHAT ARE your weaknesses? I don't know, hire me and you'll find out.

don't know, hire me and you'll find out.

don't know, hire me and you'll find out. I GOT A LOT OF THEM. I'M RECKLESS, I

I GOT A LOT OF THEM. I'M RECKLESS, I

I GOT A LOT OF THEM. I'M RECKLESS, I make decisions on impulse, I do very

make decisions on impulse, I do very

make decisions on impulse, I do very little planning, I'm corrupt as a

little planning, I'm corrupt as a

But that's going TO BE MY LITTLE SECRET

But that's going TO BE MY LITTLE SECRET

But that's going TO BE MY LITTLE SECRET until I get this job.

until I get this job.

until I get this job. Oh, but here's here's one here's one of

Oh, but here's here's one here's one of

Oh, but here's here's one here's one of my weaknesses. I make all the women in

my weaknesses. I make all the women in

my weaknesses. I make all the women in the office incredibly uncomfortable.

the office incredibly uncomfortable.

the office incredibly uncomfortable. It's that face, it's that brain, it's

It's that face, it's that brain, it's

It's that face, it's that brain, it's those lips, the way they move, they move

those lips, the way they move, they move

those lips, the way they move, they move [clears throat] like she's a machine

[clears throat] like she's a machine

[clears throat] like she's a machine gun. There she is. You don't mind being

gun. There she is. You don't mind being

gun. There she is. You don't mind being called beautiful, right? Cuz you are.

called beautiful, right? Cuz you are.

called beautiful, right? Cuz you are. >> You are beautiful.

>> You are beautiful.

>> You are beautiful. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> I'm not allowed to say that, you know,

>> I'm not allowed to say that, you know,

>> I'm not allowed to say that, you know, but I said it anyway.

That's not going to be a problem in the

That's not going to be a problem in the

That's not going to be a problem in the office, is it?

office, is it?

office, is it? Oh, and by the way, it's not enough for

Oh, and by the way, it's not enough for

Oh, and by the way, it's not enough for the job interviewer to ask about

the job interviewer to ask about

the job interviewer to ask about weaknesses. Oh, they also want to know,

weaknesses. Oh, they also want to know,

weaknesses. Oh, they also want to know, tell us about a time you struggled. Now,

tell us about a time you struggled. Now,

tell us about a time you struggled. Now, you've been taught, graduates, that

you've been taught, graduates, that

you've been taught, graduates, that they're expecting humility, to prostrate

they're expecting humility, to prostrate

they're expecting humility, to prostrate yourself on a life lesson you learned,

yourself on a life lesson you learned,

yourself on a life lesson you learned, but that's for losers. The Trump

but that's for losers. The Trump

but that's for losers. The Trump strategy is to remind the interviewer

strategy is to remind the interviewer

strategy is to remind the interviewer that they would kill to have the kind of

that they would kill to have the kind of

that they would kill to have the kind of obstacles you had. It has not been easy

obstacles you had. It has not been easy

obstacles you had. It has not been easy for me, and you know, I I started off in

for me, and you know, I I started off in

for me, and you know, I I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan

Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan

Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.

You poor bastard.

You poor bastard.

You poor bastard. He had to start off in Brooklyn, AN

He had to start off in Brooklyn, AN

He had to start off in Brooklyn, AN OUTER BOROUGH, WITH ONLY A SMALL LOAN. I

OUTER BOROUGH, WITH ONLY A SMALL LOAN. I

OUTER BOROUGH, WITH ONLY A SMALL LOAN. I MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT THE CHECK,

MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT THE CHECK,

MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT THE CHECK, HONESTLY,

HONESTLY,

HONESTLY, it's mostly zeros.

Now, great.

Now, great.

Now, great. Now, you've made it through the

Now, you've made it through the

Now, you've made it through the interviewer's psychological probing,

interviewer's psychological probing,

interviewer's psychological probing, meant to reveal your introspective and

meant to reveal your introspective and

meant to reveal your introspective and self-critical side, and you've given

self-critical side, and you've given

self-critical side, and you've given them nothing. Well done.

them nothing. Well done.

them nothing. Well done. But these bastards aren't done. They

But these bastards aren't done. They

But these bastards aren't done. They think a little playful hobby question

think a little playful hobby question

think a little playful hobby question might be the way to unlock a new grad's

might be the way to unlock a new grad's

might be the way to unlock a new grad's real self, who they really are.

real self, who they really are.

real self, who they really are. Something stupid like, "Oh, what's your

Something stupid like, "Oh, what's your

Something stupid like, "Oh, what's your favorite book?" But, you got this. The

favorite book?" But, you got this. The

favorite book?" But, you got this. The Bible is the best. One of the great

Bible is the best. One of the great

Bible is the best. One of the great books.

books.

books. Boom!

Boom!

Boom! Perfect. Now, those interview coaching

Perfect. Now, those interview coaching

Perfect. Now, those interview coaching firms or your school's career offices or

firms or your school's career offices or

firms or your school's career offices or your parents or responsible friends are

your parents or responsible friends are

your parents or responsible friends are going to probably advise you to have

going to probably advise you to have

going to probably advise you to have read whatever book you mention

read whatever book you mention

read whatever book you mention as your favorite.

as your favorite.

as your favorite. Winners don't have that kind of time.

Winners don't have that kind of time.

Winners don't have that kind of time. And what are the odds that they'll ask a

And what are the odds that they'll ask a

And what are the odds that they'll ask a follow-up anyway? I'm wondering what one

follow-up anyway? I'm wondering what one

follow-up anyway? I'm wondering what one or two of your most favored Bible verses

or two of your most favored Bible verses

or two of your most favored Bible verses are and why.

are and why.

are and why. >> wouldn't want to get into it because to

>> wouldn't want to get into it because to

>> wouldn't want to get into it because to me that's very personal. You know, when

me that's very personal. You know, when

me that's very personal. You know, when I talk about the Bible is very personal.

I talk about the Bible is very personal.

I talk about the Bible is very personal. So, I don't want to get into verses. I

So, I don't want to get into verses. I

So, I don't want to get into verses. I don't want to get into No, I just means

don't want to get into No, I just means

don't want to get into No, I just means a lot to you that you think about or

a lot to you that you think about or

a lot to you that you think about or cite?

cite?

cite? >> The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't

>> The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't

>> The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't want to get into specifics. Even to cite

want to get into specifics. Even to cite

want to get into specifics. Even to cite a verse that you like?

a verse that you like?

a verse that you like? >> want to do that.

Yes, people who love the Bible

Yes, people who love the Bible

Yes, people who love the Bible famously

famously

famously hate sharing their favorite parts.

hate sharing their favorite parts.

hate sharing their favorite parts. It's all in the

>> [applause]

>> Like to keep it on the

>> Like to keep it on the

>> Like to keep it on the I think we've all seen this guy at the

I think we've all seen this guy at the

I think we've all seen this guy at the baseball games.

So, by now it's pretty clear you're

So, by now it's pretty clear you're

So, by now it's pretty clear you're lying.

lying.

lying. Keep it going. Are you an Old Testament

Keep it going. Are you an Old Testament

Keep it going. Are you an Old Testament guy or New Testament?

guy or New Testament?

guy or New Testament? >> Uh probably

>> Uh probably

>> Uh probably equal.

>> [cheering]

>> New Testament, OLD TESTAMENT, it doesn't

>> New Testament, OLD TESTAMENT, it doesn't

>> New Testament, OLD TESTAMENT, it doesn't I'm a Jew for Jesus. I don't care.

I'm a Jew for Jesus. I don't care.

I'm a Jew for Jesus. I don't care. I'm equal.

I'm equal.

I'm equal. Now,

Now,

Now, you as the interviewee have been very

you as the interviewee have been very

you as the interviewee have been very patient in this interview with your

patient in this interview with your

patient in this interview with your [snorts] prospective employers'

[snorts] prospective employers'

[snorts] prospective employers' questions.

questions.

questions. Conventional wisdom would say, if you

Conventional wisdom would say, if you

Conventional wisdom would say, if you want to get that job, you got to keep it

want to get that job, you got to keep it

want to get that job, you got to keep it that way. Calm, cool, answering

that way. Calm, cool, answering

that way. Calm, cool, answering questions to the best of your ability.

questions to the best of your ability.

questions to the best of your ability. But that just encourages them to

But that just encourages them to

But that just encourages them to continue this nonsense. Now it's time to

continue this nonsense. Now it's time to

continue this nonsense. Now it's time to let them know that just because it is

let them know that just because it is

let them know that just because it is literally their job to ask you questions

literally their job to ask you questions

literally their job to ask you questions doesn't mean they can ask you questions.

doesn't mean they can ask you questions.

doesn't mean they can ask you questions. You what a stupid question that is.

You what a stupid question that is.

You what a stupid question that is. >> That's such a a stupid question you ask.

>> That's such a a stupid question you ask.

>> That's such a a stupid question you ask. >> And you're just asking questions cuz

>> And you're just asking questions cuz

>> And you're just asking questions cuz you're a stupid person.

you're a stupid person.

you're a stupid person. >> Don't ever say what you said. That's a

>> Don't ever say what you said. That's a

>> Don't ever say what you said. That's a nasty question.

nasty question.

nasty question. >> you give me a horrible question?

>> you give me a horrible question?

>> you give me a horrible question? >> the question that I mind, it's your

>> the question that I mind, it's your

>> the question that I mind, it's your attitude.

attitude.

attitude. >> Only a bad person would ask a question

>> Only a bad person would ask a question

>> Only a bad person would ask a question like that. I don't know who you are, but

like that. I don't know who you are, but

like that. I don't know who you are, but only a very

only a very

only a very evil person would ask a question like

evil person would ask a question like

evil person would ask a question like that.

So for you graduates, I know that this

So for you graduates, I know that this

So for you graduates, I know that this advice and behaving in the way you just

advice and behaving in the way you just

advice and behaving in the way you just witnessed seems counterintuitive. Why

witnessed seems counterintuitive. Why

witnessed seems counterintuitive. Why would I alienate the very people that

would I alienate the very people that

would I alienate the very people that I'm appealing to, who are just doing

I'm appealing to, who are just doing

I'm appealing to, who are just doing their job and asking reasonable

their job and asking reasonable

their job and asking reasonable questions? And my answer to that is I

questions? And my answer to that is I

questions? And my answer to that is I don't know. I don't I DON'T KNOW WHY

don't know. I don't I DON'T KNOW WHY

don't know. I don't I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS WORKS. I DON'T GET IT.

THIS WORKS. I DON'T GET IT.

THIS WORKS. I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T BUT HERE WE ARE, AND HERE HE IS,

I DON'T BUT HERE WE ARE, AND HERE HE IS,

I DON'T BUT HERE WE ARE, AND HERE HE IS, and he's the president, and I'm on BASIC

and he's the president, and I'm on BASIC

and he's the president, and I'm on BASIC CABLE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

CABLE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

CABLE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS DOESN'T MAKE [cheering]

THIS DOESN'T MAKE [cheering]

THIS DOESN'T MAKE [cheering] >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> I DON'T

>> I DON'T

>> I DON'T HOW?

HOW?

HOW? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WHAT IS HAPPENING? >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> SO THE POINT IS it doesn't make sense.

>> SO THE POINT IS it doesn't make sense.

>> SO THE POINT IS it doesn't make sense. Just do it.

Just do it.

Just do it. Look, chances are at this point, once

Look, chances are at this point, once

Look, chances are at this point, once you hit him with the that's a stupid

you hit him with the that's a stupid

you hit him with the that's a stupid question and you're evil,

question and you're evil,

question and you're evil, the interview is over

the interview is over

the interview is over because you've aced it.

because you've aced it.

because you've aced it. But you might not have quite sealed the

But you might not have quite sealed the

But you might not have quite sealed the deal. Remember, we're in modern times.

deal. Remember, we're in modern times.

deal. Remember, we're in modern times. They're going to check your social media

They're going to check your social media

They're going to check your social media profile, and chances are you probably

profile, and chances are you probably

profile, and chances are you probably have some questionable ones in there

have some questionable ones in there

have some questionable ones in there like best wishes to the haters and

like best wishes to the haters and

like best wishes to the haters and losers on 9/11.

losers on 9/11.

losers on 9/11. Or hey, I might be Jesus.

>> [laughter]

>> The the the

>> The the the

>> The the the It still freaks me out to see you.

The Can I get

The thing that bothers me the most about

The thing that bothers me the most about

The thing that bothers me the most about this picture,

this picture,

this picture, I know it's AI-generated.

I know it's AI-generated.

I know it's AI-generated. I know he's not Jesus, and I know I'm

I know he's not Jesus, and I know I'm

I know he's not Jesus, and I know I'm not really the guy in the bed.

But, here you would

But, here you would

But, here you would So,

So,

So, apparently, if you plug into AI, Trump

apparently, if you plug into AI, Trump

apparently, if you plug into AI, Trump heals sick elderly man.

heals sick elderly man.

heals sick elderly man. My picture

My picture

My picture is what artificial intelligence thinks

is what artificial intelligence thinks

is what artificial intelligence thinks is DYING OLD MAN.

is DYING OLD MAN.

is DYING OLD MAN. THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.

SORRY.

SORRY.

SORRY. Back to the task at hand.

Back to the task at hand.

Back to the task at hand. Most of the literati will tell you, "Oh,

Most of the literati will tell you, "Oh,

Most of the literati will tell you, "Oh, try and have a good, cogent, believable

try and have a good, cogent, believable

try and have a good, cogent, believable reason for questionable posts that you

reason for questionable posts that you

reason for questionable posts that you made on social media." Wrong. Mr.

made on social media." Wrong. Mr.

made on social media." Wrong. Mr. President, did you post that picture of

President, did you post that picture of

President, did you post that picture of yourself depicting yourself as Jesus

yourself depicting yourself as Jesus

yourself depicting yourself as Jesus Christ and Well, it wasn't a picture. It

Christ and Well, it wasn't a picture. It

Christ and Well, it wasn't a picture. It was me I I did post it, and I thought it

was me I I did post it, and I thought it

was me I I did post it, and I thought it was me as the doctor.

Because, apparently, even though the

Because, apparently, even though the

Because, apparently, even though the Bible is Trump's FAVORITE BOOK, HE

Bible is Trump's FAVORITE BOOK, HE

Bible is Trump's FAVORITE BOOK, HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RABBI RUBENSTEIN AND JESUS.

WOW.

WOW.

WOW. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> UNBELIEVABLE. SO,

>> UNBELIEVABLE. SO,

>> UNBELIEVABLE. SO, you have done everything wrong so far as

you have done everything wrong so far as

you have done everything wrong so far as a recent graduate, and it's looking

a recent graduate, and it's looking

a recent graduate, and it's looking great.

great.

great. The only thing really left to do for the

The only thing really left to do for the

The only thing really left to do for the interviewer is to get you to list some

interviewer is to get you to list some

interviewer is to get you to list some references. John Kelly is one of the

references. John Kelly is one of the

references. John Kelly is one of the best people I've ever worked with.

best people I've ever worked with.

best people I've ever worked with. >> When you ask me about Rex, I mean, he's

>> When you ask me about Rex, I mean, he's

>> When you ask me about Rex, I mean, he's a world-class player.

a world-class player.

a world-class player. >> Bill Barr a terrific person, a brilliant

>> Bill Barr a terrific person, a brilliant

>> Bill Barr a terrific person, a brilliant man. Great. Thanks for that. Now, all we

man. Great. Thanks for that. Now, all we

man. Great. Thanks for that. Now, all we have to do is check those references. He

have to do is check those references. He

have to do is check those references. He is a consummate narcissist. So, he

is a consummate narcissist. So, he

is a consummate narcissist. So, he certainly falls into the into the

certainly falls into the into the

certainly falls into the into the general definition of of fascist.

general definition of of fascist.

general definition of of fascist. >> Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling

>> Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling

>> Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling Trump a quote effing

Trump a quote effing

Trump a quote effing >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> NAILED IT.

>> NAILED IT.

>> NAILED IT. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> NAILED IT.

>> NAILED IT.

>> NAILED IT. WELL DONE.

WELL DONE.

WELL DONE. >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> GOOD CALL.

>> GOOD CALL.

>> GOOD CALL. >> [applause]

>> SO, GREAT JOB IN THE INTERVIEW. SO FAR,

>> SO, GREAT JOB IN THE INTERVIEW. SO FAR,

>> SO, GREAT JOB IN THE INTERVIEW. SO FAR, YOU'VE BEEN ARROGANT, SELF-CENTERED,

YOU'VE BEEN ARROGANT, SELF-CENTERED,

YOU'VE BEEN ARROGANT, SELF-CENTERED, NARCISSISTIC, IGNORANT, quick to claim

NARCISSISTIC, IGNORANT, quick to claim

NARCISSISTIC, IGNORANT, quick to claim credit, quicker to deflect blame,

credit, quicker to deflect blame,

credit, quicker to deflect blame, petulant, short-tempered, vulgar,

petulant, short-tempered, vulgar,

petulant, short-tempered, vulgar, corrupt.

corrupt.

corrupt. Name any sin from Trump's favorite book,

Name any sin from Trump's favorite book,

Name any sin from Trump's favorite book, you've been it.

you've been it.

you've been it. And apparently, in the upside down that

And apparently, in the upside down that

And apparently, in the upside down that is now our country, that's the way to do

is now our country, that's the way to do

is now our country, that's the way to do it. So, congratulations.

it. So, congratulations.

it. So, congratulations. You're hired.

You're hired.

You're hired. The only thing left to do now is

The only thing left to do now is

The only thing left to do now is blatantly steal from whoever it was that

blatantly steal from whoever it was that

blatantly steal from whoever it was that hired you. The Trump administration has

hired you. The Trump administration has

hired you. The Trump administration has just announced it is creating a $1.7

just announced it is creating a $1.7

just announced it is creating a $1.7 billion fund to compensate Trump's

billion fund to compensate Trump's

billion fund to compensate Trump's allies and January 6th defendants.

allies and January 6th defendants.

allies and January 6th defendants. >> The fund, which will be financed by

>> The fund, which will be financed by

>> The fund, which will be financed by American taxpayers, comes as Trump is

American taxpayers, comes as Trump is

American taxpayers, comes as Trump is dropping his $10 billion lawsuit against

dropping his $10 billion lawsuit against

dropping his $10 billion lawsuit against the federal government.

the federal government.

the federal government. Congratulations,

Congratulations,

Congratulations, graduates.