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1
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Why do so many of us have trouble
talking about sex or being open and
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about our bodies when it's the most
natural thing?
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00:00:26,410 --> 00:00:30,130
Deficiencies in your sex life affect
every single aspect of your life.
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00:00:30,350 --> 00:00:36,010
So many people have deep -seated shame,
secrecy, and inhibition, whether single,
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00:00:36,230 --> 00:00:38,030
in a relationship, or married.
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00:00:38,390 --> 00:00:43,290
All the love is there except for below
the waist, and it's driving me nuts.
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00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:45,370
Something needs to give help.
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00:00:46,060 --> 00:00:50,220
Who do we turn to when we have trouble
with our sex lives? We're stripping away
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the layers of guilt and shame.
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00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:57,000
Tonight, I'm on a journey to explore two
unusual approaches to sexual healing
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with two very different women.
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May I put my cheek against your cheek?
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Yes, you may.
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What most people want more than
anything.
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is to experience meaningful connection
with others, to love and be loved. Are
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you ready for this exercise?
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Yeah, I am.
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But it starts by getting comfortable
with ourselves.
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So let's take off our clothes.
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And as it turns out, even I could use a
little help learning to love my own
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body. Kind of makes me feel like getting
naked.
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Yes, please.
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38 -year -old Jennifer and 34 -year -old
Ricky seem like any typical loving
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couple.
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Jennifer is a yoga teacher, and Ricky is
retired from the Marines in training to
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be a bodyguard.
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00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:33,800
When they married three years ago, Ricky
didn't think twice about jumping into
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the role of stepdad for Jennifer's nine
-year -old son, Mason, born with special
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needs. He is this beautiful, beautiful
child that has taught everybody around
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him love and patience.
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We're kind of alike in a way. I grew up
with a stutter. I was bullied. So it was
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my obligation to protect him and to
teach him things.
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I'll push you some more.
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There you go.
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Forward and back.
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He's been a big focal point in our
relationship.
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There's a lot of care that goes into
him. It's a little bit extra.
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00:03:08,260 --> 00:03:10,400
Ricky and Jennifer have a great
marriage.
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They love their child, and they're still
in love with each other.
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There's just one thing.
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Like an estimated 15 % to 20 % of all
married couples, the fire has gone out.
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Every three months or so, I just have,
like, this freak out of, like, can we
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talk about this? Can we deal with this?
All the love is there except for below
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the waist, and it's driving me nuts.
Like, it really is.
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How is the sporadic intimacy?
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affected you? I've gotten very insecure.
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Like, why even try to initiate anything
when I'm going to get rejected?
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00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:51,200
Ricky would be tired, or there was
absolutely no response, like, physically
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all. It was just, like, touching a rock.
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00:03:55,060 --> 00:04:00,340
And Ricky, what do you think the reason
for the kind of lack of intimacy has
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00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:06,970
been? To be perfectly honest, all men
watch porn. You watch that. So
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I felt very self -conscious. I mean, am
I big enough for her? Will I give her an
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orgasm? And Jennifer, have you felt
rejected?
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00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:14,948
Oh, yes.
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Big time. On every level. Just like the
deepest, deepest form of rejection
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possible. I feel like this fire that
I've had.
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I am going to cry, but just like the
sensual.
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passing.
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And like this fire has kind of fizzled
out from me. And I feel like it's
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affected a lot of my life.
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Obviously, I'm not pretty enough. I'm
not sexy enough.
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Am I not like young enough? Like
everything in the book that I could
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think of, it definitely just went down.
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When you hear her talk about how
insecure she has felt, how does that
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feel? Deep down inside, it's like, you
know, should I be having sex with my
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wife? Of course.
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It makes her cry. If it makes somebody
cry, it bothers you. It bothers her, you
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know? How did I allow that to happen? I
mean, how did I not see that, even
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though she was telling me off the top of
her lungs, I guess, sometimes?
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00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:11,780
And I want the whole enchilada.
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00:05:12,260 --> 00:05:13,099
I do.
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Like, I want the whole enchilada. It's
like, we've got the friendship, we've
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the partnership, the mom and dad thing,
and why can't we have the sex?
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00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:27,720
Many couples find themselves asking the
same question, and some are finding...
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that they might need some sexual
healing.
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First of all, I want to say it's a big
deal that you both showed up today
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because most couples kind of just numb
everything in silence.
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So how often do you have sex?
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Once a month, maybe.
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If it happens a lot, it's maybe twice a
week, but it'll be twice a week and then
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it'll be nothing for a month or five
weeks. Or even like three months.
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Relationship guru Samizadora is an
expert in the art of tantra.
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A Hindu and Buddhist form of meditation
used to connect men and women with each
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other and humanity with the divine.
85
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,960
Sam spent years in India studying this
ancient practice.
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00:06:08,820 --> 00:06:15,780
There was a time, pre -Christianity,
that sexuality and sex itself was normal
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and something to be worshipped.
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People go in temples and they're
worshipping the penis and worshipping
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vagina. And it blew my mind coming from
a Western background that like, wow, I
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don't have to be ashamed about sex.
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It's actually the most beautiful,
revered thing.
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And that having sex can be like praying
with another person.
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So what are the key fundamentals of
Tantra?
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If there's one tenet of Tantra I want to
make people understand is stop having
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shame around sexuality.
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And then number two, learning how to tap
into their natural erotic energy. And
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that awakens that erotic energy and
gives you permission to be an erotic
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SOM has a mission to share Tantra's
benefits with couples like Jennifer and
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Ricky to help them think differently
about sex and their own sexuality.
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So in the course of a long -term
relationship, especially if you have
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often instead of facing each other and
having that erotic connection, you kind
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of turn and now you're standing side by
side facing the world to protect your
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child. So what we want to do is get her
out of the mother role and get her more
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into that erotic role again for you.
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To help reconnect the couple spiritually
and emotionally, Sam guides them
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through a basic yet powerful form of
tantric meditation.
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You're going to do something I call the
kiss meditation.
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We're going to stop talking and start
feeling.
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Get back in your body.
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So both of you put your right hand over
each other's heart.
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And then put your left hand over your
partner's hand.
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You're holding each other's heart.
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I want you to look into your partner's
eyes.
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I see the eyes are the window to the
soul.
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Jennifer, I want you to really receive
Ricky's feeling of caring about you.
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I want you to receive that your
beautiful regards of whether somebody is
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sexually desiring you at the moment. Are
you beautiful anyway?
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Do you love yourself anyway?
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For Jennifer and Ricky, it's a reminder
to embrace each other as intimate
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partners, not just as parents raising a
child.
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Tom takes the exercise deeper.
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with closer physical contact.
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So if this was the full erotic version,
he would be inside you right now. So you
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would feel a connection moving up to the
heart. And you're also connecting with
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your eyes.
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Everything you've known disappears.
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And just be here with each other and
worship each other's bodies.
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There's so many men right now in our
world who get their sexual release
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porn and they can't eroticize their wife
and let go of the years of programming.
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That as a man, I can't, you know, have
sex with a woman I love.
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You can lose yourself inside that sexual
experience and this woman can still be
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there for you and love you and your
connection can be that deep.
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The session ends with one more exercise
for Ricky and Jennifer to try later.
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in the privacy of their own home. Take a
little bit of this coconut oil.
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We're stripping away the layers of guilt
and shame and having this very deep and
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beautiful sexual healing by saying, sex
is beauty, sex is worship, sex is love
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and connection.
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Just feel total permission and pleasure
and exhale.
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Feel that exchange of love instead of
judgment, separation.
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You feel now connection and intimacy.
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And that's that sexual healing.
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How do you feel, Jennifer?
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I feel like a goddess.
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I really admire the step that Ricky and
Jen are taking.
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I mean, what they've been experiencing
is what so many couples are dealing
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Let's put it this way. I've been married
10 years, and I am very curious to know
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if this stuff is going to work.
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I want you to put one hand on your
throat and one hand on your belly. To
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continue my education in sexual healing,
today I'm sitting in on something
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different with Sama Zadora, a tantra
workshop.
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I'm surrounded by 15 other women, all
here for the same reason. They want more
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out of their sex lives.
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One of the biggest issues when I work
with women is they've been taught not to
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feel how sensual and beautiful their
bodies are.
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And this feeling is what makes you sexy.
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Remember, Tantra isn't just about having
sex.
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It's tapping into the sexual energy as
the power that runs your life.
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Now we're going to move to the breath of
arousal. This is going to build up all
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that fire and that juicy heat in your
body that we call Shakti.
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Reworking your nervous system so you can
have more pleasure.
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Tap into your own sexuality.
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A lot of women are always looking for
approval from everyone else. Does that
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think you're attractive? Does everyone
else think you're attractive?
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I need you to find in yourself your own
relationship to your sexual energy.
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You've been taught to disconnect from
your vagina, and we are reconnecting
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you have been disconnected.
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And this is like praying.
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You pray from your own body, from your
own empowerment, which for women is your
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greatest power is your sexual energy.
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Psalm tells me that people can feel
disconnected from their sexuality for a
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variety of reasons, from conservative
family upbringing to overall stressful
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jobs to abuse or sexual trauma.
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Fifty -four -year -old Celia attributes
feeling uncomfortable with her own body
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to something that happened when she was
a child.
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Now I want you to describe when's the
first time you felt this pain.
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Inhale, breathe in for that feeling of
pain or discomfort.
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It's the summer after I finished grade
seven.
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How old are you? I'm 12.
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He's 19.
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He's 19.
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And he started making out with you at
12.
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Did he initiate that or you? He did.
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The shame for Celia began when other
kids found out that an older boy had
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paying attention to her. What did they
say? What words did they say? Because
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your body has those words locked here
where you're numb.
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A lot. Okay. Say it out loud.
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Okay, so remember where you said that
this felt numb and gray?
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Do you know why it's numb and gray?
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Because you had to protect yourself from
people saying the word flat, but it got
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locked here. And then you've numbed. You
don't want to think that or feel that.
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You're trying to avoid that pain, so
you've shut down the ability to feel
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When they called you a slut, you felt...
Dirty.
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00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,020
Okay, inhale, breathe that in.
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Exhale, let it go.
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Tantra and sexual healing for me, I have
a full menu.
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People come in and they're like, I want
to have better orgasms.
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00:13:19,170 --> 00:13:23,090
But for some people, they really want to
go to the deepest level of what I call
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their sex root.
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00:13:24,450 --> 00:13:29,030
And for the women in the workshop, a lot
of them, it's affected their choices in
200
00:13:29,030 --> 00:13:31,990
their marriages, their self -esteem. It
affects everything.
201
00:13:32,430 --> 00:13:37,570
Most therapy that we do is very much on
the surface because we don't have a
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sexual healing as a culture.
203
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Imagine one of those girls standing in
front of you. What would you say?
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I'm not a slut.
205
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The only is a slut. I'm not a slut. The
only is a slut.
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Off.
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And what do you say to him?
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Open your eyes and look at me.
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And I want you to pretend. What do you
say to him?
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You're an asshole.
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You're an asshole and you should have
kept your finger out of my vagina.
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And then you shouldn't have put your
penis there either.
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You've ruined years of pleasure in my
life.
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Bring that in.
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So because he put his penis inside you
at 12 years old, you internalized that
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and thought it was your fault instead of
saying the person in a position of
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00:14:26,190 --> 00:14:27,550
power should have held a boundary.
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You shared such an intimate story
downstairs.
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What did you think of sex before you
started this journey?
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00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:43,740
I was married for 27 years without
experiencing an orgasm. Even watching a
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where there was a sex scene would just
make me cringe in pain and shame that I
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couldn't even watch it because I
couldn't figure out why that couldn't be
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possible for me.
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00:14:57,180 --> 00:15:02,300
How did it feel to unleash that almost
demon that was inside of you for so
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Amazing. I wouldn't want anybody to
have...
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to hide what I hid for so long.
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00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,500
So do you think you're a sexual person
now?
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Yes.
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Yes, I do.
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And I know my body's not broken.
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Yay.
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So when we do this sound breath again,
it's going to help you break that
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of not just sexual expression, but
expression of being able to talk to
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ask for what you want in life, not just
in the bedroom.
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This is going to increase your
confidence in everything that you do in
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life. It's all connected.
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So inhale raise your arm and exhale
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Guys, keep your eyes closed. Don't give
your energy away.
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I want you to feel the power in yourself
for yourself.
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People always say with Tondra, I don't
have a partner. Do you have a vagina?
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You better learn how to use it. And then
when you go have a partner, you're
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coming from an empowered place.
243
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:57,440
Some teachers sexual empowerment, but
another method of sexual healing take a
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very different approach.
245
00:16:59,530 --> 00:17:00,530
How are you feeling?
246
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:05,710
The warmth of your palms on my cheeks is
especially pleasurable.
247
00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:24,030
Emiko Yoshikami lives in San Francisco,
and like Tantra teacher Samizadora, she
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has a very unusual profession.
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I really thought about what I would want
to do in this world.
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I want to do something really akin to
therapy, but also have the element of
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touch and affection, of being able to
hold my client and being sexual with my
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client.
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Like Sam, Emiko's work is all about
sexual healing, but her methods are
254
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different.
255
00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:53,350
Emiko is a surrogate partner, and her
work is highly controversial.
256
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What is a surrogate partner?
257
00:17:56,270 --> 00:18:01,370
So a surrogate partner is part of a
therapeutic process. So you have a
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therapist, a surrogate partner, and a
client.
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So usually the way it works is a
therapist has a client who has intimacy
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and they bring me on, and I actually
develop real intimate physical and
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emotional relationships with my client.
262
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Is there a typical profile?
263
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of your clients?
264
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Most people see me because they believe
that something's wrong with the way that
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they function.
266
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And then I get people who have a history
of sexual abuse.
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So there's really a variety of reasons
people come to see me.
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There are some who say that what you do
is sex work.
269
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How do you respond to that?
270
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There are a few differences.
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One is that we're always working with a
therapist and the intentions are very
272
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different. So as opposed to this work
being about entertainment, being about
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sexual gratification, this is about
healing, this is about a therapeutic
274
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relationship.
275
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,100
But yeah, this is also about sex.
276
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:06,480
While it's not sanctioned in many places
around the country, a professional
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organization certifies and sets
standards for surrogates like Emiko, who
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works in concert with a talk therapist.
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He shared with me a little bit about how
he felt.
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Yeah,
281
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next time I work with him, I think we'll
just do more of the face caress and the
282
00:19:28,010 --> 00:19:31,350
may I will you game. So he gets more
comfortable with all that.
283
00:19:32,010 --> 00:19:36,950
Today, Emiko has a session with a client
named Keith, who she's been working
284
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with for nearly three months.
285
00:19:39,850 --> 00:19:43,130
May the session be in harmony with
Keith's feelings.
286
00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:45,430
May he feel grounded.
287
00:19:46,270 --> 00:19:47,770
strong, and safe.
288
00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:55,170
At 60, Keith has never had a serious
long -term girlfriend, and there's a
289
00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:55,809
for that.
290
00:19:55,810 --> 00:19:58,270
How would you describe your childhood?
291
00:20:01,050 --> 00:20:04,050
It was painful. It wasn't easy.
292
00:20:04,710 --> 00:20:06,130
Totally in survival mode.
293
00:20:06,490 --> 00:20:07,670
What was going on in your home?
294
00:20:08,330 --> 00:20:11,250
Abuse as far back as I can remember,
even three years old.
295
00:20:11,890 --> 00:20:15,010
Physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual
abuse.
296
00:20:15,550 --> 00:20:16,550
Extreme neglect.
297
00:20:18,690 --> 00:20:22,390
At age 25, Keith began working with a
talk therapist.
298
00:20:23,250 --> 00:20:27,470
And slowly, over the course of 35 years,
he's made progress.
299
00:20:27,990 --> 00:20:31,210
But fear of intimacy still holds him
back.
300
00:20:31,910 --> 00:20:37,330
Recently, his therapist suggested he try
a unique approach to healing, one that
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sometimes involves sex.
302
00:20:39,770 --> 00:20:41,530
Had you ever heard of anything like that
before?
303
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:46,000
Vaguely, I didn't have much of an idea.
I did have to come home and do a lot of
304
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research, yeah, because it scared me. So
you weren't into it initially?
305
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,500
Oh, my gosh, no. I was terrified.
306
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I knew this would require me to really
take some risks and get close to someone
307
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in an intimate way, even just a hug.
308
00:21:00,540 --> 00:21:03,300
And what propelled you to go forward and
do it?
309
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:07,800
I kept thinking about how lonely I was
and how much I really wanted a deep
310
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emotional connection.
311
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:16,170
For Keith, sexual intimacy is indeed a
long -term goal, but that's way down the
312
00:21:16,170 --> 00:21:17,170
road.
313
00:21:17,750 --> 00:21:18,750
First,
314
00:21:18,970 --> 00:21:23,390
he must learn to find comfort in the
simplest forms of touch with another
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00:21:23,390 --> 00:21:24,390
being.
316
00:21:24,550 --> 00:21:25,930
Hi, how are you doing?
317
00:21:26,170 --> 00:21:29,370
Doing really well. Yeah? Yay, I'm so
glad to hear that.
318
00:21:29,750 --> 00:21:31,930
Can I put my hand on yours? Yes, you
may.
319
00:21:32,350 --> 00:21:34,190
Great. Thank you.
320
00:21:34,430 --> 00:21:38,410
Yeah. Let's take a couple deep breaths
into our bellies.
321
00:21:42,979 --> 00:21:48,160
letting the body just kind of sink in,
feeling our hands connected.
322
00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:55,180
Mindful of the years of abuse Keith
endured during his childhood, Emiko
323
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:58,100
slow and patient approach to their
sessions together.
324
00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:03,780
While her work with clients can
sometimes lead to actually having sex,
325
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Keith, she takes baby steps.
326
00:22:06,570 --> 00:22:11,010
So the purpose of this exercise is for
you to just really enjoy.
327
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I will let you know if anything feels
uncomfortable.
328
00:22:14,070 --> 00:22:14,869
Okay, good.
329
00:22:14,870 --> 00:22:17,870
And just relax and have fun.
330
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Deal? Yes.
331
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May I touch your face?
332
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Yes, you may.
333
00:22:24,170 --> 00:22:29,410
For Keith, learning that touch can be
kind, loving, and gentle has been a
334
00:22:29,410 --> 00:22:30,410
struggle.
335
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It's taken him three long months of work
with Emiko to get comfortable with the
336
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idea of touching and being touched.
337
00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:42,220
How are you doing, Keith?
338
00:22:42,780 --> 00:22:48,340
Doing really well. It's really amazing
to feel all the different textures and
339
00:22:48,340 --> 00:22:50,140
temperatures and contours.
340
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:54,640
Would you please describe to me what it
felt like to you? It all felt amazing.
341
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,380
There were moments where your hand was
on my cheek and I just kind of wanted to
342
00:22:59,380 --> 00:23:04,000
sink in, you know? But for the most
part, I was just really experiencing the
343
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,840
touch and it felt so good.
344
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:11,560
I needed to hear from Emiko that my
touch felt pleasurable to her. I was
345
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:15,860
my touch would feel to my partner the
way my parents' touch felt to me.
346
00:23:16,140 --> 00:23:23,140
So it felt good to be touched, but for
you, really, it was knowing that
347
00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:24,140
your touch was...
348
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:25,600
Not a dangerous touch.
349
00:23:25,820 --> 00:23:31,520
Yes, it was an enormous relief to hear
that my touch was pleasurable and gentle
350
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,240
and kind and that she really enjoyed it.
351
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,680
That's been one of the most healing
things.
352
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:42,380
They're all different types of touch.
And often I'm able to relax more knowing
353
00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:47,240
that the other person is really just
enjoying it for themselves, right? The
354
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:51,500
of us just allowing ourselves to
experience good sensations.
355
00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:53,720
This is totally for you.
356
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,080
Yeah.
357
00:23:57,020 --> 00:24:01,160
Keith, may I have your permission to
touch your face and head?
358
00:24:01,540 --> 00:24:02,540
Yes, you may.
359
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:03,560
Thank you.
360
00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:11,120
Why do you think touch is so important?
361
00:24:11,540 --> 00:24:15,940
Oh, gosh, it's no different than food or
water or air. We all need touch to
362
00:24:15,940 --> 00:24:16,940
nurture ourselves.
363
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,820
It is a part of who we are, but healthy
touch.
364
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:32,220
And how are you feeling?
365
00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:38,940
Very safe, very nurtured. I really sunk
into it to enjoy the touch and the
366
00:24:38,940 --> 00:24:44,860
pleasure. The warmth of your palms and
my cheeks was especially pleasurable.
367
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:46,580
Oh, that's great.
368
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:51,260
Oh, you touch my hair.
369
00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:52,580
Yes.
370
00:24:53,340 --> 00:24:57,980
This is kind of a strange question,
Keith, but when you're with Amigo, do
371
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feel like a child?
372
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:01,979
In some ways.
373
00:25:01,980 --> 00:25:04,960
The nurturing that I didn't get is being
fulfilled.
374
00:25:05,180 --> 00:25:06,360
I'm getting what I missed.
375
00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:09,740
Do you actually feel yourself being
healed?
376
00:25:09,940 --> 00:25:10,940
Oh my gosh, yes.
377
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,480
I'm such a different person than I was
four months ago.
378
00:25:15,340 --> 00:25:20,020
I'm so much more out in the open. The
world feels safer because of my work
379
00:25:20,020 --> 00:25:21,020
her.
380
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,220
May I put my cheek against your cheek?
381
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:26,640
Yes, you may.
382
00:25:46,830 --> 00:25:51,970
Whether you're in a marriage, a
relationship, or single, there's one
383
00:25:51,970 --> 00:25:52,970
all share.
384
00:25:53,210 --> 00:25:55,570
Everyone has issues with their body.
385
00:25:55,970 --> 00:25:59,150
Too fat, too thin, too flat, too round.
386
00:25:59,510 --> 00:26:01,950
We all have something we don't like.
387
00:26:02,990 --> 00:26:05,550
27 -year -old Justin is no different.
388
00:26:05,970 --> 00:26:11,410
But Justin has an added challenge. He
was born with cerebral palsy, a movement
389
00:26:11,410 --> 00:26:14,250
disorder that he's worked hard all his
life to overcome.
390
00:26:15,660 --> 00:26:22,360
It affects all my muscles. It mainly
affects my walking and talking ability.
391
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:32,160
I don't like being defined as having a
disability, but sadly, people
392
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,400
use that to define me.
393
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:39,760
Like many single men in their 20s,
Justin is looking for love.
394
00:26:40,180 --> 00:26:44,240
I never really wanted sex.
395
00:26:44,970 --> 00:26:51,730
I wanted more than anything just to hold
a girl's hand and feel emotionally
396
00:26:51,730 --> 00:26:53,810
connected to them.
397
00:26:54,170 --> 00:26:58,710
Do you think that your disability has
affected the way girls see you?
398
00:26:59,030 --> 00:27:00,370
Yes, tremendously.
399
00:27:01,110 --> 00:27:07,870
They act like I was someone that they
needed to take care of,
400
00:27:07,950 --> 00:27:09,930
not someone they could love.
401
00:27:10,890 --> 00:27:14,470
During his adolescent years, while many
classmates were experimenting with
402
00:27:14,470 --> 00:27:15,470
romance and sex,
403
00:27:16,090 --> 00:27:17,870
Justin was left on the sidelines.
404
00:27:18,350 --> 00:27:23,490
He reached his early 20s, never having
kissed a girl, held anyone's hand, or
405
00:27:23,490 --> 00:27:24,830
told someone, I love you.
406
00:27:25,270 --> 00:27:29,610
But a doorway to possibility opened for
Justin the night he saw The Sessions.
407
00:27:29,890 --> 00:27:33,930
In telling the story of a surrogate
partnership, the film introduced
408
00:27:33,930 --> 00:27:35,670
to a new kind of therapy.
409
00:27:36,330 --> 00:27:38,750
Do you have any areas of unusual
sensitivity?
410
00:27:39,110 --> 00:27:41,170
Any parts of your body you don't want me
to touch?
411
00:27:41,690 --> 00:27:43,750
I have normal sensitivity all over.
412
00:27:44,050 --> 00:27:45,510
You can touch me anywhere.
413
00:27:45,890 --> 00:27:52,790
After I saw the movie, I realized that
surrogate partner therapy was exactly
414
00:27:52,790 --> 00:27:54,790
what I was looking for.
415
00:27:55,250 --> 00:27:57,290
It was a leap into the unknown.
416
00:27:57,870 --> 00:28:02,070
Justin took a small inheritance from his
grandfather, flew from his home in
417
00:28:02,070 --> 00:28:04,810
Texas to San Francisco, and hired Emiko.
418
00:28:21,180 --> 00:28:26,540
The mirror exercise is something that we
do when we're transitioning into being
419
00:28:26,540 --> 00:28:31,500
naked with each other. We both get naked
and we stand in front of a full -length
420
00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:34,320
mirror and I talk about how I feel about
my body.
421
00:28:34,650 --> 00:28:37,310
And then I'll have my clients do the
same thing.
422
00:28:37,530 --> 00:28:41,870
Okay, so I'll stand in front of the
mirror and tell you what I think about
423
00:28:41,870 --> 00:28:44,350
body, from my hair to my toes.
424
00:28:44,650 --> 00:28:49,350
When you do the mirror exercise, do most
people like what they see?
425
00:28:49,590 --> 00:28:53,970
Most people have some criticisms, for
sure. Everybody has something that they
426
00:28:53,970 --> 00:28:54,929
don't like.
427
00:28:54,930 --> 00:29:00,190
And this can also be a way to bring
kindness and love into our bodies.
428
00:29:00,950 --> 00:29:04,020
So... Here's my body naked.
429
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:10,320
On the whole, I feel pretty good about
it.
430
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:14,340
I actually got really lucky in terms of
my hair.
431
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:15,840
I cut it myself.
432
00:29:16,260 --> 00:29:22,780
I just get out of the shower, do this,
do this, and I'm good. So lucky on that
433
00:29:22,780 --> 00:29:27,860
front. I like the shape of my eyes, the
color I'm not wild about.
434
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:30,420
I actually really like my breath.
435
00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:31,760
I like the size.
436
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:36,440
They're like a handful, you know, like
not too big, not too small.
437
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:42,060
They are sagging. So part of me wants to
say, oh, come on, just be a little bit
438
00:29:42,060 --> 00:29:47,240
more perky. But I've gotten used to it.
I think I'm fine with it.
439
00:29:48,020 --> 00:29:50,600
Yeah. Let me think if I missed anything.
440
00:29:53,980 --> 00:29:54,980
That's it.
441
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:57,680
Are you ready?
442
00:29:58,020 --> 00:29:59,020
Yeah.
443
00:30:05,069 --> 00:30:11,330
I like my hair. I actually hate cutting
it,
444
00:30:11,370 --> 00:30:18,150
but like I hate long hair, so I cut it
on a regular basis.
445
00:30:19,310 --> 00:30:26,170
I actually hate my glasses just because
many people tell me
446
00:30:26,170 --> 00:30:28,710
I would look better without them.
447
00:30:29,610 --> 00:30:30,970
My teeth.
448
00:30:31,290 --> 00:30:34,730
I absolutely hate my teeth.
449
00:30:34,970 --> 00:30:37,270
But, yeah.
450
00:30:37,530 --> 00:30:38,850
Okay, whatever.
451
00:30:39,950 --> 00:30:46,450
I really hate my legs because they
aren't hairy here, but hairy
452
00:30:46,450 --> 00:30:50,130
here. So, like, make up your mind.
453
00:30:50,910 --> 00:30:56,870
I think penises get a bad rap because...
454
00:30:57,320 --> 00:31:03,840
People never know how they ought to be,
but I will say I'm a
455
00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,440
grower and not a shower.
456
00:31:07,820 --> 00:31:12,900
So, yeah, and that's all I will say.
457
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:14,280
That's great.
458
00:31:14,580 --> 00:31:15,960
That's my body.
459
00:31:17,580 --> 00:31:19,140
So how does that feel?
460
00:31:19,460 --> 00:31:25,180
It makes me realize that I'm way too
crucial to my body.
461
00:31:25,960 --> 00:31:29,720
One thing that I've learned, especially
through my work, is everybody has
462
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,160
different preferences, right?
463
00:31:31,380 --> 00:31:34,640
And so you can look in the mirror and be
like, oh, I hate this about myself.
464
00:31:34,940 --> 00:31:38,700
And another person could say, that's
what I love the most, or I love that
465
00:31:38,700 --> 00:31:39,880
the way that you look.
466
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:42,960
That was amazing to watch.
467
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,680
And you are so brave.
468
00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:48,340
I mean, you're both so brave to do this.
469
00:31:48,980 --> 00:31:53,940
When you first took off your clothes, I
honestly felt a little emotional.
470
00:31:54,670 --> 00:32:00,130
But then watching you and how confident
you are, you, I think, like and feel
471
00:32:00,130 --> 00:32:02,270
confident about more parts of your body
than I do.
472
00:32:02,730 --> 00:32:04,590
It kind of makes me feel like getting
naked.
473
00:32:04,870 --> 00:32:07,050
I love it. You are welcome to.
474
00:32:07,410 --> 00:32:14,290
Just seeing how confident you are right
now, just how secure you
475
00:32:14,290 --> 00:32:16,210
are right at this moment is pretty
amazing.
476
00:32:17,230 --> 00:32:18,250
But I'll tell you something.
477
00:32:18,490 --> 00:32:22,410
I had a baby three months ago, and I
feel so...
478
00:32:23,300 --> 00:32:28,540
Uneasy with my body my husband had
barely seen me naked since I had my baby
479
00:32:28,540 --> 00:32:34,300
even you know while I was pregnant I
Think I have to do it do it. Yeah right
480
00:32:34,300 --> 00:32:39,920
now. I think I kind of have to do it
right now Yes, please
481
00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:46,240
I'm telling you. I'm the only person
who's seen myself naked
482
00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:50,500
in a very long time We got your back
483
00:32:54,540 --> 00:32:56,260
Okay. Take off my mic first.
484
00:33:14,220 --> 00:33:21,040
We all know that no one is perfect.
485
00:33:21,450 --> 00:33:22,590
And everyone is different.
486
00:33:22,870 --> 00:33:27,310
But let's face it, we all have hang -ups
about our bodies. I have a very big
487
00:33:27,310 --> 00:33:29,450
scar. I love scars.
488
00:33:30,150 --> 00:33:31,730
And I'm wearing a nursing bra still.
489
00:33:32,790 --> 00:33:35,370
But what if we just got naked and got
over it?
490
00:33:37,470 --> 00:33:39,010
I'm going to look at myself right now.
491
00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:41,090
Hopefully I won't start lactating.
492
00:33:52,620 --> 00:33:55,720
So, yeah, just talk about how you feel
about different parts of your body.
493
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,580
I like my hair.
494
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:06,280
And my hair is sometimes kind of a
source of security for me.
495
00:34:07,020 --> 00:34:11,040
It's easy. I don't like to do anything
with it. I don't even like to cut it.
496
00:34:11,940 --> 00:34:12,940
It's easy.
497
00:34:13,300 --> 00:34:14,760
I need ease in my life.
498
00:34:16,800 --> 00:34:19,239
I definitely, definitely...
499
00:34:19,790 --> 00:34:22,909
started noticing that I'm not 24
anymore.
500
00:34:23,630 --> 00:34:28,850
I definitely see all the lines that are
starting to develop, but I'm 43 years
501
00:34:28,850 --> 00:34:31,170
old and it just is what it is.
502
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:33,310
My lips are fine.
503
00:34:36,150 --> 00:34:37,150
They're fine.
504
00:34:38,570 --> 00:34:44,750
I'm really not liking my breasts right
now because I've had a
505
00:34:44,750 --> 00:34:47,850
three -month -old baby sucking on them
pretty relentlessly.
506
00:34:49,639 --> 00:34:51,920
They used to be kind of perky, and now
they're not.
507
00:34:53,219 --> 00:34:54,639
They just are what they are, though.
508
00:34:55,260 --> 00:34:59,120
It's actually kind of amazing to see
both of you on both sides of me,
509
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:04,700
And I feel calmer right now, a little
emotional still.
510
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,260
You know what?
511
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:14,900
Even though I've been disliking my
breath, they look okay right now to me.
512
00:35:16,259 --> 00:35:20,760
It's funny, right? I haven't felt that
way, and I haven't even liked to look at
513
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:22,960
them, but they actually look okay to me
right now.
514
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:27,120
It's the first time they've kind of
looked okay in a while.
515
00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:37,180
I have this line that women get
sometimes when they're pregnant, and it
516
00:35:37,180 --> 00:35:38,180
about a year to go away.
517
00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:44,000
I don't even mind my scar because this
is where two lives emerged from.
518
00:35:45,500 --> 00:35:49,520
I haven't even wanted to look at my
body. Now, after seeing what you guys
519
00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:54,900
and looking at it now and really, really
looking at it, I feel better about it.
520
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:56,760
I feel okay.
521
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:12,920
for sharing with us.
522
00:36:13,100 --> 00:36:17,000
As I was watching you both, I just
thought, these people are so brave to be
523
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:17,678
doing this.
524
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:21,300
And it's so, like I just, I wasn't even
thinking twice about the fact that you
525
00:36:21,300 --> 00:36:25,180
were naked. You know, you were just,
you're just bodies. We're just bodies,
526
00:36:25,180 --> 00:36:27,540
know? And we all have them and we're all
different.
527
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,180
And your bodies are beautiful.
528
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,680
We've had some really amazingly
beautiful bodies going on right now.
529
00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:34,980
Yeah, we really do.
530
00:36:36,180 --> 00:36:39,560
I certainly didn't start my day thinking
that I was going to take off all my
531
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:40,560
clothes.
532
00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:47,320
But when I watched Justin and Emiko
looking at themselves and so confidently
533
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:53,440
carrying on a conversation without a
shred of clothing on, I wanted to feel
534
00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:59,980
way as well. And while I felt incredibly
nervous and anxious, I just started to
535
00:36:59,980 --> 00:37:03,720
think, why do we feel this way? These
are just our bodies and we're all
536
00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:08,440
different. And if we could get past
those insecurities about our bodies.
537
00:37:08,990 --> 00:37:12,710
We might not need to be sexually healed.
538
00:37:24,310 --> 00:37:29,110
Why do so many of us have so much shame
surrounding sex and our bodies, even
539
00:37:29,110 --> 00:37:31,930
though both are perfectly normal and
natural?
540
00:37:33,230 --> 00:37:37,850
Touch and the desire to feel connected
with others is part of what makes us
541
00:37:37,850 --> 00:37:41,800
human. So at some point, would you like
to spoon a bit?
542
00:37:42,100 --> 00:37:43,160
I would, yes, very much.
543
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:48,040
Let's get really super, super, super,
super, super, super comfortable.
544
00:37:48,860 --> 00:37:51,820
For Keith, it's been a long, slow
journey.
545
00:37:52,260 --> 00:37:55,800
But in his work with Emiko, he's made
great strides.
546
00:37:56,160 --> 00:37:57,400
Deep breaths.
547
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:07,400
At 60 years old, it's taken his entire
adult life.
548
00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:11,470
But Keith has finally experienced the
joy of touch.
549
00:38:11,930 --> 00:38:17,850
All my life it's felt dirty. I was
afraid of admitting that I was a sexual
550
00:38:17,850 --> 00:38:22,450
sensual being. Now it feels just like a
really beautiful, loving thing that's
551
00:38:22,450 --> 00:38:25,510
necessary. And we all need that kind of
connection.
552
00:38:26,630 --> 00:38:29,350
And without that, there's a part of us
that's missing.
553
00:38:30,870 --> 00:38:35,130
Back in Los Angeles... I catch up with
Jennifer and Ricky to see if the Tantra
554
00:38:35,130 --> 00:38:39,930
homework Tom assigned has helped them
reconnect spiritually and sexually.
555
00:38:40,350 --> 00:38:42,850
So, how was your night?
556
00:38:43,370 --> 00:38:47,310
After we did the whole meditation, hands
on the heart, kissing, eyes on the
557
00:38:47,310 --> 00:38:53,610
eyes, she got on top and it felt so
amazing. My heart was like just tingling
558
00:38:53,610 --> 00:38:55,530
just so like I was on this natural high.
559
00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:59,310
And it was the first time I've ever had
an orgasm with somebody on top.
560
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:05,420
Ever. So for that, I was like, Jen, you
took my virginity, Jen.
561
00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:10,820
So you only had one session with Tom,
but what did you get out of it? To give
562
00:39:10,820 --> 00:39:16,680
permission to just be that sensual woman
and not feel ashamed of liking sex.
563
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:20,760
I do feel transformed. I feel completely
empowered.
564
00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:26,440
So many couples are going through what
you've been going through. Do you think
565
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:28,380
that this really could help lots of
people?
566
00:39:28,620 --> 00:39:33,320
Yeah. It can. I'm so happy for you.
Thank you very much. Everybody can have
567
00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:39,000
I know that they can. I know they can.
It's just, I guess, being willing and
568
00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:40,000
wanting to be vulnerable.
569
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:50,440
For Justin, touching and being touched,
being naked and being intimate is about
570
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:51,940
much more than just sex.
571
00:39:52,740 --> 00:39:55,940
How did this experience change your
life?
572
00:39:56,410 --> 00:40:00,410
I can look at the mirror now and not
hate my body.
573
00:40:00,630 --> 00:40:07,250
Before I did that with Domingo, I
thought right when I found a girlfriend,
574
00:40:07,250 --> 00:40:10,150
would marry them and that would be it.
575
00:40:10,690 --> 00:40:17,650
Now I feel like someone is going to be
out there for me and I don't need to
576
00:40:17,650 --> 00:40:18,650
settle.
577
00:40:19,340 --> 00:40:26,080
There's still times where I don't think
I'm dateable, but those usually don't
578
00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:27,440
last very long.
579
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:31,380
Justin has been actively dating online.
580
00:40:32,100 --> 00:40:38,140
I use Coffee Meets Bagel, I use OkCupid,
and I
581
00:40:38,140 --> 00:40:40,900
occasionally use Tinder.
582
00:40:42,020 --> 00:40:44,360
I only met Justin a few days ago.
583
00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:48,320
But when you get naked with someone, you
kind of get to know them pretty
584
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:49,320
quickly.
585
00:40:49,980 --> 00:40:54,360
And it's clear to me, whoever ends up
with him in the end is going to be one
586
00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:55,360
lucky woman.
587
00:40:56,820 --> 00:41:02,080
There are people who don't think that
this kind of therapy should be
588
00:41:02,300 --> 00:41:03,880
How do you respond to those people?
589
00:41:04,580 --> 00:41:10,520
They only see sex as being physical and
I think touch.
590
00:41:11,210 --> 00:41:13,650
goes way beyond physical.
591
00:41:14,130 --> 00:41:20,670
For some reason, I knew the touch part
was the most important
592
00:41:20,670 --> 00:41:22,270
thing in my life.
593
00:41:23,170 --> 00:41:29,470
So, to what extent, as a culture, do you
think we need to be sexually healed? I
594
00:41:29,470 --> 00:41:31,830
think America is super messed up around
sex.
595
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:37,400
I think America needs a massive sexual
healing, and I think every person, even
596
00:41:37,400 --> 00:41:40,120
if they don't have trauma, they need a
sexual healing just to love their own
597
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:45,980
bodies and have sex be that next level
of being more beautiful and more
598
00:41:45,980 --> 00:41:46,980
connected.
50883
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