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Hi, I'm Mr. Pickle. What's it gonna be?

Um, one burger, and some fries, and um, and a malted.

Oh, and would you put cheese on that, please?

Just say, Buster Cheese, pulled chips on a chocolate Buster-shaped madam.

Okay.

So, say it!

Fuck off, Pickle. I don't like talking to machines.

Look, Toots. Take that Falcon you're driving, chain

it up, and shove it where the sun don't shine.

Thanks for coming to Buster Burger.

Please, pull forward. You may be eligible for a prize.

Oh, may I take your order, please?

Yeah, I'd like a double Buster Burger pulled chips, and a Buster pulled over.

This week, any double Buster Burger comes with a

Buster the Bull simulated quartz crystal watch.

It comes with it?

For an extra $19.95.

Oh, I'll pass on the watch, then.

So, is there anything else you'd like to nibble on?

No.

Okay.

I haven't seen you around here very much. My name's Lisa.

Here.

Now you can give me the time of day.

I get off at three.

Three? Uh-huh.

...

No. No, I don't want the time. I don't want a date. I just want food.

Excuse me, is that recruiting sign for real? Well, yes, sir.

If you're interested in becoming part of

Buster's booming business, I can give you an application.

Well, that's work behind the counter, right?

No, we just used a high school kid behind the counter here.

You know, if you want to someday manage your own franchise, and someday own

your own, you ought to get yourself a degree from Buster Burger University.

Is there really a Buster Burger University? Yes, sir.

In Colorado, corporate headquarters.

And it's tuition free? Yes, sir.

Absolutely.

All expenses paid, even if you flunk out.

Excuse me, Mr. Belnet, but there's a dead woman in the drive-through lane.

Look after the order.

You know, next year, with an approved loan from the Buster Burger National Bank,

and a floater policy from the Buster Burger

Insurance Company, I'm building my own franchise.

Well, what do you say?

Why don't you give Buster Burger University a chance and give it the old college try?

Yes, sir.

America, you're getting burger hungry, hungry for the burger that makes you full.

You're chomping for the taste of a Buster Burger.

Our famous Buster Burger is full of old.

Big, rich shakes, crispy, French fries.

Our double big Buster-like bowl is satisfied.

Our people are friendly, our stores are clean, too.

And nothing but home is waiting, waiting for you.

America, you're getting burger hungry, hungry for the burger that makes you full.

You're chomping for the taste of a Buster Burger.

Our famous Buster Burger that's full of old.

The one and only Buster Burger that's full, full of old.

Oh, hi!

Nachio herb sister, call me Nachio!

Alright, this is my favorite song.

Say you wanna listen?

What?

I'll pass, thank you.

Your attention, please.

Another billion Buster Burgers have been sold since Sunday.

That is all.

America, you're getting burger hungry, hungry for the burger that makes you full.

It's a... oops.

It's Buster time.

Just got it with a double Buster Burger with cheese.

Real simulated corpse.

Looks like Buster's tail stopped ticking, Zipnick.

Yep, sir.

Uh-oh.

There it goes.

Hey!

Hey!

Calvin Klein?

How do you do, Calvin?

I'm Sister Sarah.

Fred Domino, at your cervix.

Hey, so what's a nun like you doing in a place like this? I heard voices.

...

Voices?

America, you're getting burger hungry.

Alright, all of you is falling over here.

Oh!

Welcome to Buster Burger University.

My name is Druton, Drill Sergeant First Class.

You stand on 5,000 of the most heavily guarded acres in America.

All of it, closed to the public.

You tired?

Why don't you give your hemorrhoids a rest?

In the next 12 weeks, Buster Burger will invest $15,000 in each of your hides.

In the hope that enough of you survive to earn your horns as Buster Burger managers.

Will you please just tell me where are you taking?

Just answer my question.

Where are you taking?

Why, why am I here?

Somebody's gonna answer me now.

Will you please answer me?

Alright, come on, buddy.

Go around here kidding after nobody.

You don't understand that I am a celebrity, man.

No, I just got a victory deal at the Tropicana, man.

No, wait, no.

I was going to be hungry.

Y'all gonna pick me up?

Wait, this ain't even American.

Hey!

Mezzanine, that your real name or what?

Conchita Margarita con suelo Mario Jena Lopez Mezzanine.

It's real, mejeneral.

It says here you're from Guacamole.

You look like you're from Guacamole.

Guacamole? Whatever.

...

I have come to your country to learn the fast

ways of feeding my starving peoples of the south.

Then you came to the right place, sister.

Yes?

No.

Sorry.

Hey, I ain't even supposed to sit here for me.

Hey, nobody's making some kind of mistake.

Nobody lands in Busterburger University by mistake, pal.

Hey, general.

Real Sergeant Drewton to you, scum bucket.

Were you the head dude?

Because if you are, I ain't never signed up for this circus, Jack.

Do not raise your voice to me, slime wad.

Look, if this harassment puts a strain on my highly talented vocal cords,

or if anybody even thinks about touching my $75 slick wig bad boy concert beats,

I'm gonna commence the pimp slap at somebody right now.

Clam it, dark breath.

You're on Busterground.

You read me faggot?

I think so, sir.

Good.

You're here because of Supreme Court sniffing around our franchises,

claiming that there hasn't been a single black Busterburger owner in 25 years.

Well, we intend to graduate you, Jones.

Just to prove to the whole world that we ain't bigoted.

You dig it, Jones?

Now, Busterburger managers are supposed to be mean and lean.

Prestopopnik?

That's Prestopopnik, sir.

This is no Parker's paradise?

We're here to learn to run a Busterburger franchise.

Got the bower one.

Sir, just because I love food doesn't mean I

can't work around it without eating all the time.

For instance, what if I get the urge to eat a box of Busterchip cookies? Give me that.

...

Out comes my Fatboy pocket shocker.

And?

Another binge bites the dust.

You tub of crap.

Before we commence with orientation, let's reconsider

the Busterburger University code of conduct.

One, students are forbidden to leave campus until commencement.

This is nothing more than a slap-down prison.

Number two, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, beads, and outside foods are strictly forbidden.

And third, since sex and success make lousy bed partners, so do your classmates.

Therefore, no sex allowed.

No hanky-panky in the door.

Wow, it's the real Lyman Funk.

Welcome, welcome.

I'm Lyman Funk, founder of Busterburger Chairman

of the Board and Dean of Busterburger University.

And this is the secret sauce of my life, Mrs. Funk.

I'm having a get-together bout at my house tonight, and you're all invited.

I like to know who my Busterburger charges are going to be.

Take over, Sergeant.

See you at the party.

Look at the chassis on that baby.

I'll say, fuel-injected Bustermobile with twin overhead cams.

Tits.

No kidding.

These beds look like lunch for Moby Dick.

I knew it.

They only use 50% beef.

You know, this is the strangest place I've ever been.

I thought it was weird drutin' walking around

acting like General Patton with a spatula.

This is bizarre.

The son of a bitch took everything.

Yeah? What's missing?

What's missing? Only the essentials.

Fortunately, I always overpack the essentials.

You hungry?

Yeah, give me a donut.

Sure.

No, no, no. Make that a twinkie.

I love this school uniform.

This is going to keep me from getting laid.

You know, at least at the honor farm, we could wear stripes.

Care for something to drink?

Never touch the hard stuff.

You're lonely?

No.

Cigarettes.

I don't smoke.

You probably need some rubbers, Jim.

You know, Fred, this is my last chance at a career and a pretty nice inheritance,

and all the psychiatrist said was I've got to exercise a little sexual self-control.

You know, you keep your rubbers.

As long as I'm here at Buster Burger, you women and sex are out.

You know, dancing with you during chaperone duty makes my night, man.

There you go.

Another Saturday night of chaperone duty.

Well, did you happen to mention it to your

father about that opening on the executive board?

You know, sometimes I wonder if you date me because

you're like me, and because my dad is Lyman Funk.

Then there's absolutely nothing to do with the other.

I'm just going to get something to eat, and then I'm splitting.

Why?

I'm afraid if I don't, I might end up in a sack with someone.

So what's wrong with that?

Oh, Lord, I have died and gone to heaven.

It's Mrs. Funk.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello, boys.

Nice spread you have here, Mr. Funk.

Took a lot of burgers to build a Buster house like this young man.

You play your cards right, and you could have everything that I have.

Everything?

Everything!

So would the lovely Mrs. Funk like to trip the light fantastic?

No, but I would like to dance.

May I, Lyman?

Of course, dear.

I see the best.

Thanks.

Have a good time.

The spread's got more balls than a trailer park Christmas tree.

I was hoping you did, too.

I can't cheat them as I mean.

In guacamole, I know there's the layers of them.

Excuse me, nice to meet you.

I could teach you things you never knew could happen between two peoples.

Oh, not tonight.

No sex-a-pustard burger cubes, remember? I'm sorry.

...

How about a dance? Sure.

...

Who's she?

Uh, I don't know.

She came with us this morning.

I'm here to get a degree, not to father some guacamole and freedom fighter.

What? Nothing.

My name's Russell Proko.

What do you want? It's Funk.

As in.

..

As in his daughter.

Oh!

When the first Mrs. Monk died of food poisoning, I

just happened to be here visiting me at the time and...

Well, since I love junk food so much, I just had to ball in love with lime and...

You're not hungry!

You're not hungry!

You're not hungry!

We're not hungry! We're not hungry!

We're not hungry! We're not hungry!

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Ben?

Yeah?

We trade in all 70,000 franchises for just one night

of stickboard banging with a human cowdriver like you.

Thank you, Lord.

Hey, hey!

Whoa!

What's he got?

I can't swim!

Oh, help!

Oh, you got a little drop!

Give me!

It's a whole party!

I'll take you, Mrs.

Buck! I'll take you, Mrs.

Buck! You all right, Mia? I'm fine.

I'm not hungry.

...

Buster Berger's hamburger philosophy may be summed up

with the three B's.

Beef plus buns equal bucks.

You eat it, you buy it!

You eat it, you buy it!

Did you know that merely by smelling,

tasting, and feeling the texture,

one can tell where a burger comes from?

They all come from different areas.

Hold it. Look at this. You see that? That's a giveaway.

Buddy's belly bombs and sushi bars.

Franklin Square, Long Island.

Bull is our business.

Bull is our business.

I'm Professor Mia Bunk, and in the next 12 weeks, I'll teach you

what makes 100% all bull burgers different from all the rest.

While later classes will involve hands-on

meat house experience, we always start with

this little puppy here to illustrate technique.

So, if we could all put on our Buster Protecto goggles, ready to go.

There you are 100% all bull.

We do not use 100% of the bull.

...

Lots of bull in every fight.

...

A lot of bull in every fight.

And, of course, we never use these.

B-9. Sister, I believe that's bingo.

Bingo! Wow, scrotum.

A real delicacy for the rich and famous.

We reserve the right to refuse service

to assholes like you.

We reserve the right to refuse service to assholes like you.

We're losing her.

Pulsby, it's up. Pulsby, it's up.

I think she's dead.

Doctor, can't we do something? We've lost her.

...

And yet,

in death, she still

continues to produce.

A little gurken.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put those cookies back, motherfucker.

Put those cookies back, motherfucker.

...

This baby is the Lyman 9000,

our lean, mean burger training machine.

It separates the bull from the bullshit.

You find that funny, Pro-Cope? No, sir.

Rennedy, Rennedy, Rennedy, Rennedy.

Go, go, go, go.

Now, the panties come frozen from the

feeder every ten seconds and proceed through here

to the laser-powered burger blaster here.

While the burger is being cooked,

the bunway delivers the bun tops to the

condiment battery where, as you can see, mustard,

ketchup, mayo,

and secret sauce are applied as ordered.

Never touching the food directly with your hands,

it is the responsibility of the trainee in the bullpen

to see that the burger, with or without cheese,

lettuce, tomato, is placed

on the bun bottom and topped with the bun top

placed in the Buster Bull Box for delivery.

Your tools.

Now, in the ten years that I have sent

graduates out into the real world, they have never lost a burger.

Since there are no questions, we'll start with you, ketchup crotch.

Me? No, not you. You.

Me? Yeah, you.

Yeah, you. Go get him, Russ.

Rennedy, go.

Okay, Proco.

Smoke.

Pretty good statue work, Proco.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, with your hands, you idiot.

A little bit faster now, come on!

Keep the ketchup on!

Throw that one down!

No cheese on that one!

Keep the sauce on the bun!

Go let us!

Pull the medium! Throw the medium where?

Come on, you're jamming them up! Stop.

...

That's your lunch, Proco!

So eat it! Thank you, sir.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Dr. Moll.

Dr. Moll. Dr. Moll.

I just wanted to tell you how excited I was

to tell you about taking your Buster Burger-Omistry Class 101.

Thank you very much. So much about your work

in the New England Journal of Fried Food.

You have, little traitor! To meet you, sir. Good to meet you.

Nastu Herb Zipster, sir. Ah, Mr. Dipster.

Zipster. Also Herb Simner. Zipster. Zipstarlen. Zipster.

Zipster. Yes.

Burger bar.

Burger bar? I've only heard rumors, but is this the new secret meat-flavored candy bar

your scientists have been developing? That's right.

Still new on the drawing board in the experimental stage.

You let me know what to say, Steiker. Be honest with me.

Be candid.

Creamy cuts of coating. Crunchy mustard nougat.

And a pickle in every bite.

The next time my mom goes to the store, I'm gonna tell her to file out the burger bar.

I'm looking for a

bright new lad to work in the lab with me

as a taste taster in the laboratory.

How about you? Me? Yes.

Tasting for you? Oh my, yes! You silly shit.

...

Fred, quiz me on the ten ways

to keep old people from hogging your tables at the franchise.

Oh Fred!

Russell, we're enjoying a tender moment here.

Yeah, well look, doll, tell your boyfriend

to keep his heavy breathing down to a doll roar. I'm a real girl!

That's the highlight of my night. Hi, guys.

This hyperventilating while I inflate polyurethane to Wonder Doll.

That's disgusting. Do me, do me. Besides, she's an airhead.

You're right.

She's got a leak anyway. Hey, how about we sneak into town.

I find you some female companionship.

Don't look at me like that. I don't want to do

this for you, my friend. Look, don't do me any favors.

It's been weeks. You don't need a woman?

Come on, if you don't use it, you're gonna lose it. It's gonna look like this.

It's gonna be big and green and hard. It's gonna have bumps in it.

You're gonna have a gherkin for a dick.

How'd you like to have to go through life gherkin'

off? If Juden catches us in town chasing women,

he's gonna rip out our hearts and serve them to us on a bun.

Look, forget sex. How about we just sneak into town and get some

Chinese food? No, we'll never make it past the

guards at the gate. Oh, no. We have anything

all figured out.

How do we all know?

He's gonna make the usual check. Be just a second.

Go on, boy.

Hey, no, no, no, no, this magneto, baby. Now, see, I got this

shoulder do tonight, and all my hoes gonna be there.

You don't understand the caliber of celebrity I am, baby.

No, wait. I'm telling you, I got a shoulder do tonight, and if you need some

tickets to the damn thing, I can get it for you.

Shut up and get on your knees. No, wait, do you know how

many bitches gonna be there, baby? You can get laid like

you've never been laid before. Okay, well, how can you open the gate? And four.

I can't believe we made it.

Are you kidding? I told you to get us out of there. We're gonna have some great food.

Wait, no, wait. What I'm saying is I can get you laid, brother. You understand?

When I'm singing, the bitches dig it.

Great. Thank you very much.

Maybe if we get to Rocky and they see us next to a cup of fortune cookie.

Fred, I agree to food, not women. You are no fun.

Hey, there's Druin's girl. Mia.

Yeah, there's Mia's mom. Mama Mia.

Oh, no, no, let's go join them.

Well, hi, Fred. Hi.

Plain hooky, Mr. Proko. I had to get out and get some real food.

Certainly. And we would love to eat it with a couple of

real dolls like yourselves. Wouldn't we, Rusty?

Yes, Fred, we would.

Uh, uh, mother?

Yeah, well, they say you haven't lived until you've tried some young boy here.

Take a load off, guys.

Go just keep this between the two of us, okay?

Can I take your order, please? Oh, fool.

Oh.

Uh, yeah, four Szechuan spare ribs,

four gang-bang foods. And some of those. Four sesame chicken balls.

And some of those. Four wong-hung loaves.

And four mouths and tongues.

And that about do it? Yeah, it'll do it to start.

Thank you.

Good evening, sir. It's brand new, kid. Yes, sir.

Make sure you keep an eye on it.

Is that an engagement ring?

More like a going-together ring.

A real sergeant gave it to me.

He's very nice and cheap.

Hey, guys, I'd say that in about five seconds

you're going to be looking at grill sergeant Jordan.

I'm going to kill you, you crazy bastard.

You're going to get me kicked out of school.

You ever want to go for Chinese food, me? Stop it.

Shut up.

Good evening, Ben. I thought I saw your car outside, Mia.

Well, uh, uh,

we were just leaving.

Four sichuan's belly,

four gangbang food, four wong-hung loaves, and four mouths each time.

Enjoy. Awful lot of food for two people.

I was hungrier than usual, Ben.

You got enough food there to feed an army.

You know, you've been promising to have Chinese with me for ages, Mia.

What do you say we eat

now, right here? I'll buy, no problem.

Your mother's got no panties.

She's great.

Oh, Mrs. Vong.

You okay, Mrs.

Vong? She's got, uh, hot flashes.

You do? Oh, I do.

Kind of young for hot flashes, aren't you?

Well, I, uh, I got it from my husband.

I love eating out.

You're a dead man. Then I'm gonna die like this.

You're soaking wet, Mrs. Vong.

Spicy chicken balls.

You haven't even eaten any yet.

Ben! So, what do you think of, uh, this semester's, uh,

crop of undergraduates? There are a couple dum-dums

who will never see a diploma. I'll see to that.

I'm gonna try something comfy.

Ow! But that's shop talk. Let's have some ribs.

Good? That's so good.

Yeah.

...

What the hell is happening? Earthquake.

Stop it.

But this is the only table that's having one.

Yeah.

Spare me?

May I?

Due to airheads, it violated three sacred rules of Busterburger University.

One, leaving campus is strictly forbidden ever.

Two, outside consumption of food is strictly

forbidden, not to mention the little TTT you had with our founder's wife, Mrs. Vong.

All right, turn them over.

Why, you two fast food freaks!

We serve for the both of you.

Oh, come on, Drew, and you're putting us on. No, I'm putting you in, Proco.

Now get in! No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

No, no, can we talk about this?

I said get in! I'm getting in.

You didn't want me to go in there, did you, sir?

You weren't for Mrs. Bunk. You would be on your way home.

Okay.

As you well know, it's Buster policy that

if a student wishes to go home on his own, he's free to do so.

...

What?

Here at Buster's we try to find a few good men and women.

Let's just say if you're up to the Buster brand of discipline.

Oh, Mr. I'm sorry about the Chinese food.

...

Man, are we in a pickle!

Oh, a deep fuck down this way.

Here he is, here he is.

Now, I figure that these huge fly strips would be quite a tax write-off.

Oh, hey, I've given him twenty cc's of bird cup.

Well, that's the equivalent of three tons of my new synthetic fried chicken.

Three tons? Yes.

That would be almost as if he had a bucket of chicken every day

for five hundred years. Is there any chance of brain damage? He moved!

He's alive! He's alive!

Are you hungry?

I'd kill for some corn and grain. Corn in the rain?

Why would he want to know? No, no, Bethesda.

Corn and grain, corn. Oh, here, try this.

Your new synthetic thumbstick? Yes, it's my experiment.

Well, how's it taste?

Has it cuing not like goodness the whole family will enjoy? Dr.

Mould for bust and take on the curtain and break into the fried chicken market

is a bold step. And we know it tastes good.

And we know it doesn't cause too much brain damage.

So, if we're talking chicken,

let's talk turkey.

What will it cost us to manufacture? Chicken feet.

Yes, do you see my formula? Is simply this.

...

All I have to do is take a chicken gun.

Chicken shit? Chicken shit?

You idiot punk! What do you think I'm standing

around this laboratory with this fortune? And you call me

chicken shit? Now time!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Please be seated, my buster brethren.

I shall talk to you this morning on the Book of Munchies.

Chapter 12, verse 16.

Bust the plus work equals health.

Bust the plus work equals wealth.

Isn't it great? Isn't it good that we chose to follow

the path of fast food, brotherhood? We praise

the American way. Americans like to eat and pay.

Isn't it great?

Isn't it wise? To burgers and fries

we dedicate our lives. Onion rings, fish kebabs,

every creation served on a farm.

Mums, dads, tiny tots.

It's more than a meal.

It's fun.

My mouth has got a taste for something

beat me something great. I can smell those burgers

crying and I really cannot wait. French fries, onion rings, and milkshakes.

Busters waiting, don't be late.

The bull goes marching on.

Glory buster, Verluria.

Glory buster, Verluria.

Glory buster, Verluria.

My mouth has got a taste for something

beat me something great. I can smell those burgers

crying and I really cannot wait. French fries, onion rings, and milkshakes.

Busters waiting, don't be late.

The bull goes marching on.

Fred, where are you going?

I am off to press the flesh with the fabulous Mrs. Zwunk.

You are out of your mind. We've got to study for finals.

No, you've got to study for finals because I'm counting on you to pull me through.

Oh, and Russell? Study hard.

...

Don't tell me you forgot your dick.

I want yours.

And he never takes no for an answer. Now strip.

What? Your claws, you take them off, you make love to me now.

Contruder, Contruder, there is no sex at Buster Burger, you.

Oh, yes. Okay, pants.

Mmm, massage ride?

I will tell you serving orgasms from now.

Make that 11. It's just not my day.

You will do as I say, or I will scream rape.

Come on, Cheetah, can we talk about...

Hey Fred! I'm just going to the library!

I thought you were Drudin. No, silly, he's the one in the red

jumpsuit and the bray and the crew cut. I know that.

I got a couple of special things to show you, so I want you to come with me, okay?

Uh-huh. Only not now.

No, you tell me what you'd like for the woman to do to you.

Oh, the woman, nothing.

Nothing? Then what excites you? Oh, tall, dark,

sexy, sweaty, suntan girl fighters.

Like your brother.

No! Oh, yes, he's spent a whole day fighting in the hills,

single-handedly killing half a dozen government troops with his great big machete.

The son said he comes home.

I'm waiting for him by the campfire.

Get down!

Are you crazy? This is a helicopter! I know that.

Lyman bought it for me for Christmas.

What, were you caught? We never used this. Can you imagine Lyman using

a helicopter? I can't imagine Lyman doing anything. I know that's why you're here.

Oh. God, what a great ass.

Oh, you fruit, dark guy! Pfft! What good

are you? I come to this country to find a real man, and I will.

Bitch.

Pfft.

Pfft.

Oh, Fred, your shirt.

Oh, my shirt, of course. Fred, it's been so long, Fred.

Are you hungry? Oh, Fred.

Oh, Fred.

Oh, Fred. They're all Fred.

Oh, put your shoes back on, Mrs. Vogue. My Fred. I like heels.

Oh, you little devil. Oh.

Oh, wow. Big devil heel.

It's been so long, Fred.

Oh, Mrs. Vogue.

Oh, Mrs. Vogue.

Oh, Mrs. Vogue.

Oh, Fred.

Oh, Fred.

How'd you put your little engine down like that?

It's not my engine, Mrs. Vogue.

It's the cupboard. You move your leg. I'll turn it on.

Fred! Mrs.

Vogue? Manito, get the hell out of here. Wait, Hollywood, please. One way.

I have to go to the Carolina West. I have a gig to do, man, and I have my single

I'm doing this, MacNito Jones, Soul to the Bone.

Get out of here. You can trust me, baby. I got this concert day tonight.

Man, you got to take me with you, Fred.

I'm going to switch this over and you're going to get your

buster butt out of here. You can't switch, Fred.

I'm trying to see what you're doing. You've got to go. I am doing something.

I don't want to do it. Oh, that's the entry. Please don't let me in the tree.

Don't do anything about it. I don't want to in the tree.

You are fantastic. You can be my business manager.

25% is everything I have. If you don't get in the building, you can help.

30, 45%. Nobody in the history of the world has got 45%!

But let's not shoot these diamonds. Please.

I'm trying.

What is this new regulation?

Do these switches work? What's off-off? They're a generator.

I don't think they work like anything you want.

I don't know how I'm going to get it to you.

I'm going to get it to you somewhere and enjoy my bandage.

It's all about money!

I'm going to throw a friend! Yes, I'm sure.

Pull it up, Mrs. Bond.

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Mayday!

How'd you like your first oil change, baby?

Come on, big boy!

Hang on, stop your balls! We're down!

I hope you didn't get it washed today.

A spray wax with that, sir? Hey, Russell.

Hi, sister.

Hi, brother.

...

Hi.

Hi. Do you like to stop? I'm not busy.

I am. Busterology.

You know, I've never really thought about the collective

consciousness before and how it relates to burgers.

Busterology is based on people actually hating fast food.

But people would rather eat a Buster Burger they know than say

health food made by some yo-yo where they don't know what they're getting.

That makes sense. I'd rather eat a Buster Burger than take a chance on a

falafel stuffed with sprouts.

Right. All Buster tastes Buster's sake. That way you know what you're getting into.

We got this covered, ma'am. I like that.

Orals are coming up soon. That's when my father makes

the final judgments as to who goes on from there.

But half of it is based on whether he likes you or not.

I'm not a great Orals, ma'am. Never was.

Well, I do have some free time in the evenings.

If you like, I could tutor you through the hard stuff.

After that, Drutin has you for franchise time.

Believe me, you are going to need all the help you can get.

When can we start? Whenever you want.

Hold it, gentlemen. No food allowed in or out.

We know. Right.

Someone can find out the doctor here is crossing a hot dog with a meatball.

And steal the prototype. How did he know?

Security knows everything on this campus.

Survey says? Yeah.

Stick a gum and register on this baby. You're clean, Doc.

Doc, why don't you call him Dog Balls? I certainly admire your thoroughness.

Hold it, Joe!

He's giving up a high, intensity, full level.

Let's go, Zip, sir.

Have a nice time, Zip, sir.

Fellas!

Fellas!

All fellas! Thanks, girls.

I needed that.

Shank or hindquarters?

Wasn't you really the girl in all those Buster Burger commercials as a kid?

Russell, finals of tomorrow.

Shank or hindquarters? Shank.

Correct.

Mr. Zip, sir. As Buster Burger manager,

what do you do if a customer becomes sick while in your store?

Firstly, I would take the offending customer by the scrub of the neck and I would

stick their nose in the vomit. Secondly, I would

take the most accessible part of his or her clothing

and I would wipe up the puke. Certainly, I would escort them to the front door

and I would tell them to have a nice day. Excellent.

Best. Alright, Dimino.

A frequent troublemaker enters your franchise, says he has contracted

some signs of radiation poisoning from a supposed

leak in your laser powered burger blaster.

What do you say? Well, there's good news and bad news, sir.

The bad news is that you're going to glow in the dark.

The good news is that you won't attract moths.

If a beautiful blonde come into the store and ask you for a dozen burgers,

what would you give to her? I'd give her the dozen burgers and ask if she'd like Mr.

Pickle with that order. Where's Mr. Pickle? It's right between Mr. Legs.

I am the greatest entertainer,

but you deprive me of my chance. You won't let me sing

and you won't let me dance. But on these auras,

whether I fail or I pass, when I get these off, I'm gonna whoop your ass.

...

Now, here is the last

question in your oral examination.

A pregnant woman

walks into your Buster franchise.

She has a dollar and asks for change so she can use

the Buster phone. She wants to call the hospital because she's

about to give birth momentarily. Now, although

she hasn't eaten a crumb of Buster food,

do you change the dollar for the Buster phone?

Dr. Mole, to cut down on loitering and to

increase business flow, Buster franchises don't have payphones.

Absolutely correct.

This concludes your oral examination, Prokop.

And you've passed.

Yep. Still one more test.

For the next eight hours, you will

operate this life-like Buster Burger franchise,

during which you'll serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Sometime during your shift, myself and Dean Bunk

will make a surprise inspection. We will be checking you on profits and cleanliness.

Remember, you're a team now. I am making you

manager, Prokop. Here's your Buster key.

And may God have mercy on your soul.

Put those cookies back, motherfucker!

Hi, can I Buster help you? Yeah, are you the Chief Buster?

Yes, I'm the manager. Oh, congratulations. Sign me.

Sign what? Look, pal, all I do is deliver them, and now later I come back

I pick them up, okay? It was your community

relations department set up the whole thing again.

What are they? It's an eating club.

And I hope you got plenty of dessert.

Hey!

Can I Buster help you?

Fifty Buster Burgers, twenty-five Bull Chips, and

ten Buster Shakes. Sixty Double Busters, no pickles,

forty Bull Chips, twenty-two Diet Colas.

Diet?

Seven Mother Bubbles, two Picador Specials,

and a large old soda. The regular kind, I'm no sissy.

Bring out a barrel of Buster soda.

Fuck you very much.

Alright, who ordered sixty Double Buster Burgers?

That fat motherfucker right there.

That fat motherfucker right there.

Them two twin Giggling motherfuckers right there.

And that skinny Walnuthead motherfucker with the seventy-two.

Ha ha, that's great.

What's it gonna be?

Buster Burger on a stick with cheese. Cowcatchers on a Buster Shake.

Hey, scape pig, we don't serve ample turf toilet plungers here.

What the hell did you say?

Skate hash mark, we don't serve, we waste smoking donut chokers here.

I wanna see the goddamn manager, now!

You're talking to the manager, Peter Cheese, so merge.

I don't have to take this kind of crap from a goddamn green pickle.

Hey, rotate Kunta Kinta, your chick's ready at the welfare office.

I'd like a pickle.

You ain't seen the last of me yet.

Big deal.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Russell. Russell, we are almost out of supplies.

How in the hell are we gonna get rid of these monsters? An idea.

...

What the hell is that?

Industrial laxative.

It's better than the Buster for sake, kid.

I'm not sure you're a genius.

Magneto, make a dozen or so shakes. Press the pot, and then turn them around.

Last one, baby.

Brides, everybody. Free Buster steaks on the house.

Here, why don't you have a couple more? Break up.

It's terrific.

Thanks for coming to Buster for her.

One more, a chocolate one.

Break up, kids.

Enjoy.

Deep in me.

Aroma.

Button shakers.

We need to get to the bathroom.

I love a parade.

No, no, no, no!

A piece of work! A piece of backup!

Wait, wait!

A smile, everybody!

Aah, ahh, ahh!

Hey, Cheers!

Keith, look at this place. It's a mess.

Yeah, well let's clean it up quick.

If you're looking for a pay phone, forget it.

I want a woman.

At last! A real man!

Okay!

A machine!

A crocodile! One burger.

Well done.

To go.

Magneto, kill me a burger, send it walking.

No more burgers, man.

Where's the bowl?

Where's the bowl?

Where's the bowl?

Where's the bowl?

Where's the bowl?

Where's the bowl?

Where's the bowl? Look, pal.

...

We reserved the right to refuse service to assholes like...

You... Get it!

These are like the suck of my face.

She's crazy about me.

Riot!

Riot!

In case of riots, stash the cash and save your ass!

Quiet!

Now, who's the manager? Oh, God! Am I glad to see you, God!

You mean us Afro-Turf toilet bunches?

The place is yours, boys.

Hold it! I can hold it!

The place is a wreck, so let's speak.

Whoo-hoo!

That bastard juten's behind this.

Ha ha!

Oh, boys want to play a little chicken, eh?

Aww, Aww di da da di da da da da da Aww, God.

..

This is it! The party's over. No more Mrs. Vunk.

Well, I guess I might as well go and join the eating club now.

God works in strange and mysterious ways.

All I ever wanted was to be a Buster Burger manager.

Ever since I was that high, it was my dream.

And now my dream is gone.

It all turns into shit.

Wait a minute.

Now wait one Buster minute. Buster, you're not giving up, are you?

Look pal, open your Buster eyes. This place looks like Beirut.

Well, not to me it doesn't.

When I look around this Buster franchise, our franchise, you know what I see?

I see a Buster future that didn't even know it had a Buster past.

You might see a hole in the wall, but not me.

I see a brand spanking new Buster sidewalk cafe.

You might see dead chickens everywhere.

But I see a whole new line of Buster chicken sandwiches at 2.98 each.

You might have seen two guys stumble out of your entire need of medical attention.

And I say you're right.

But I also say when those two guys come back, they're gonna be Buster hunt.

So let's get our Buster butts back in gear, clean

this place up, and get back to Buster business!

It's her!

Where's the music coming from?

Oh jeez, it's rhyme and funk.

We've arrived, Ena and Mrs. Fong.

Come on, Russell!

Quiet!

What?

Sir, on life's grocery shelf, we can't accept these dented cans.

I'll give them all apps and put them on a first jet out of here.

It's tasty, my God!

What did you say?

I said it's tasty, my God.

Tasty, my God.

They destroyed a million dollar franchise in about five hours.

Wait, thank you, sir.

Not you.

Hey, why, it's perfect.

We've got chicken coming off the assembly line in one month.

And she's come up with the perfect slogan.

It's tasty, my God.

We'll paste her picture on every billboard across the whole country.

It will be our symbol.

It will be the frying nun!

We'll make millions!

Duggins, give them all a...

Oh, no!

Who's the manager here? I am.

...

Good management techniques, young man.

You'll go far at Buster Burger.

It can't be! It just.

..it just can't be!

And a feather in your head, Bill Sargent.

You'll forge an outstanding suit.

Well, maybe this will convince you that I've earned a place on the executive board.

God, shoot me.

You have earned it.

Welcome aboard.

To the port.

Oh, Christ, we made him a vice president.

Listen, Dean Monk.

I think it's an appropriate time to break even bigger news.

Today, in light of my promotion,

it is my sincerest, heartfelt pleasure

to announce to everybody that me and I

are now officially engaged to be married.

Put back your lations.

Put her there, Dad.

Hug him.

Trust me.

There.

You really care.

Ooh, you really care.

This'll go you off, sir.

Well, Sargent, we cannot help leaders at

Busterburger University who can't control themselves.

Disgusting.

Don't you think so, sir?

I hereby demote you to P.P.P.

P.P.P.

, sir? Burn the paper bigger.

Come here, dear. Let's go.

See you all at graduation.

Why don't you guys all come with us?

There's room in the limo. Come on.

She is nice in the Buster limo.

You can start by cleaning this mess up, picker.

And so it is my great pleasure to hand out these diplomas

to the members of the Group of Why,

who under duress and in me fire remove Busterburger chicken from the drawing board

into the marketing place.

It's tasty by God.

It's tasty by God.

And it is in this period of Busterology that

I hand out this diploma to Russell Prokop.

Conchita Margarita,

Consuelo Morillo, Junior Lopez, Mezzanine.

Ted Domingo.

...

Maxio Herb Zuppner.

Sister Sarah Kessler.

Jerome Presto Popnick.

And now it is my extreme pleasure

to present the Buster Lifetime Achievement Award

to Magneto Jones.

It's all yours.

Okay, I'd like to take this time

to bring up on stage to appreciate with me

my beautiful singing sisters, the extremes.

...

I think I'm ready now.

It makes you whole.

You're chomping for a taste of a Buster, Junior.

A famous Busterburger that's full of glue.

Thin, rich shakes, crispy, rich fries.

A double big Buster like wool.

It's satisfied, yeah!

I'd be full of pretty.

I'd score a clean two.

Nothing but wool is waiting,

waiting for you.

America, you're getting better.

America, you're hungry.

A hungry mother, hungry if you gotta make your fool.

You're chomping for a taste of a Busterburger.

Of almost every corner of almost every town on every lonely highway

You'll never travel down, you're gonna find a

burger shop, americana mom and pop, how long

there ain't no telling, living out there, out

there selling hamburgers for america, yeah hamburgers for america

it's in their blood, it's their tradition it's almost

like they're on a mission selling hamburgers for america

You can stand real still and listen. You can hear them in the kitchen.

You can smell the french fries frying and you can hear the patties sizzling.

Slice tomatoes, cheese and bacon, soda pop and shakes are shaking. And while you're

listening and looking, it makes you proud to know they're cookin' hamburgers for America.

Say, cookin' burgers.