Original subtitles

You know, when the coach told us we had to play with the guys, I had no idea.

You know, the referee should have called a penalty for illegal use of hands.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you went down fast enough on the five -yard line.

Well, you would, too, if you had five guys putting a rush on you.

Speaking of rush, am I glad that's over.

It wasn't easy getting pledges.

We certainly didn't have much to choose from.

Yes, have you seen a more tacky bunch of girls? You know, some of them didn't

even have enough money for the initiation fee.

Take that honey, Shane, for instance.

Did you know that she worked three years as a car hop to get enough money to be

able to go to school?

Can you imagine a car hop?

Why, honey, we didn't know you were there.

Don't you cry, honey.

We love you.

They're not worth the salt in your tears.

Pie sorority turned us down, too.

But why?

Sororities are run by brainless, conformist snobs.

You should be glad you're not involved with them.

It's the last thing I do, I'm going to find a way to get even with that melty

rag morn and the whole damn pie sorority.

Mountain folks have a saying, the best way to get back at a gal is to steal her

man away.

only steal Melody's boyfriend, but every last man on campus. My sorority house

will look like a convent.

Give me an O.

Give me a T.

Give me an S.

That's A.

That's O.

Thank you.

Raise your right hand.

I promise to do everything within my power using all

my abilities, talents, and assets to win every man on campus

away from the pie sorority. So help me hot!

So help me hot!

Repeat after me.

On my honor,

I will do my duty to uphold the high moral standards

of Pi sorority, forsaking

all that is detrimental to our esteemed reputation.

Thank you.

And in conclusion, let me remind you that Pi

stands for perfectly ideal girls.

Perfectly ideal girls?

Melody, that smells pig.

Cynthia.

Women. Perfectly ideal women.

Looks

good,

don't you think?

I think it looks hot. Saturday,

what?

Wow!

Look at the boom -booms on her!

Her feet would have to be fantastic.

Here's about her feet.

Oh,

hot. Does that mean they're in heat? They act like it. After all, they are

Does that mean what I think it means?

What do you think it means?

Hands off those suckers.

outrageously to score.

Would you like me to tell you what it really means?

Yeah.

How about that?

All right!

Hey,

far out. Just playing your party.

Besides you and me.

I mean my band.

You can play this gig. We're free that day.

Free? Great.

Price is right. You're on.

Y

'all

gonna join us? Join you? Y 'all falling apart.

Oh, no, Richie, but it looks like you are.

Thank you.

she won't.

That's five dollars on no, and I need your telephone number.

As her footsteps faded in the darkness, she was on her way.

I knew she'd try to lose herself in the lights of L .A.

Somewhere in the lights of L .A., she's a -hopin' to see someone who can

give her the thing.

Once he can give her love to body, soul, and mind.

Take it, Mikey.

a special bulletin. Two notorious gangsters, Charles Engle and Bernard

Benny, escaped this afternoon from the state penitentiary. They were part of

Great Jinx robbery, which netted a quarter of a million dollars, which has

been recovered.

Their former partner, Gimpy Gillespie, died in prison last week. Full details

the... That Gimpy had no class dying from an inkwell toenail. What?

I thought you said the Green Gang got him. Gang Green? How many times I got to

tell you, Bucks? It is Gang Green.

Gang Green, Green Gang. What's the difference?

Either way, he looked an awful funny green.

Yeah, just like the color of all that money that's just waiting for us in the

house over there.

What if somebody's living there now?

Are you kidding? Who would live in that dump, huh? Who?

Oh, Clefton, I'm glad you're here.

I'm all puckered out.

Wow, look at all that dough right.

You keep this up. We're going to get the roof of the house fixed.

That's the problem. I can't keep it up.

What a bet.

Granny's recipe gives every one of us.

Come on, you.

Come on, gang.

I've got a hot game for you that's really going to get you going.

Charlie. Yeah? That can't be the house.

Why not? It's the perfect spot for the money.

It's hot, too. Come on.

Too bad Gimpy kicked a bucket before he could tell us where in the house it was

stashed.

Hot

stuff

for sale!

Get your hot stuff now!

Things really changed while we were in the can, Charlie.

Remember how the only way you could peddle hot stuff was through a fence?

Yeah.

You got an extract to life?

It's that.

I'm so glad we were invited to Dean Chase's party.

All the really important people are going to be there.

Yeah, well, it really is quite an honor.

Hey, um, why didn't Cynthia come?

Oh, she was bushed.

I don't think they're so hot.

next quarterly seminar if you get my drift.

Oh, do you want to serve some hors d 'oeuvres over here?

Greener? Yes. Some hors d 'oeuvres?

I am so glad that you both could make it today.

Model students.

This is Melody Ragmore, president of our inter -sorority council.

And this is Douglas Shannon, who is president of the FU student body.

We're having our little music.

to the family cesspool.

With her death -defying leap, displaying her incredible courage, displaying her

stupendous skill, displaying her enormous... Boy, they are enormous.

Oh, my God, she's lost her... direction.

She's headed towards the dean's house.

Holy mother, McCree.

Goldstein, you won't believe what's skydiving.

You mean skin diving.

I'm telling you.

inches have already counseled.

Charges Hotts with moral misconduct.

Everyone knows what Hotts stands for, and it's disgusting.

Quiet!

I'll have no more of this.

Now sit down.

Now, I have it on very good authority.

that Hotz stands for hold on to S

-E -X.

Wait a minute!

We haven't been given a chance to present our side.

Boom Boom, uh, Henrietta Bang accidentally lost her bikini top, and

pilot will testify to that.

And Hotz does not stand for hold on to sex.

No one has ever asked asked us what HOTS does stand for.

And now we feel it's time to show you.

Exhibit A, everyone meets Slicky.

Unlike sorority names, which are Greek to everyone anyway, And being that we

primarily an environmental organization for seals, we wanted a name that would

be representative in benefiting the ecology.

Help out the seals?

You've got to be kidding.

And what about the wild goings -on at your hotch party?

It was a fundraiser to help save the seals.

I'd call it more of a hellraiser.

Regardless. If Hotz is to remain at this university, you must maintain the

standards set up by all our sororities.

But we're not a sorority.

Why must we conform to sorority rules?

Because you are conducting yourselves as one.

Therefore, it is absolutely essential that you conform to the standard

procedures. Number one, you must have a house mother.

Number two.

You must maintain a passing grade point average.

And number three, no motion in elegance.

Now, if these procedures are not followed, Hutz will have to disband.

My girls should have thought twice before they spiked my food.

I can just taste so much...

You're crazy, Mad Dog! You are crazy!

They don't call me Mad Dog Slate for nothing.

Besides, all successful war campaigns have been fought from the air.

Up in the air!

Up in the air, upside down. Up in the air, Junior Birdman.

You can't keep a good dog down.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Would I like a piece of that?

of loving care.

I bet these girls gonna be something else.

Let me check this thing out.

I know you want to make a statement about this homecoming queen, but our

candidate is just so bizarre.

That's the point.

She'll get every liberal vote on campus.

stand a chance of winning now.

Here for his jacket?

Douglas Shannon.

That's Melody's boyfriend.

I'll give it to him.

Boy, will I give it to him.

Hi, Doug.

Hello. Sorry Boom Boom couldn't give it to you personally, but she's sick in bed

with a chest cold.

Well, with the Boom Boom, that could be serious.

I was just about to go for a swim.

I'd love to have you join me.

Yeah.

I don't have my suit.

Oh, John. Oh, John.

Oh,

John. Oh,

John.

Oh, Cynthia.

Oh,

Cynthia.

Oh, Cynthia.

Oh,

Cynthia.

You son of an asshole.

Don't start with me!

Thank you.

Okay, I think I almost got it. Okay, one, push. Two, three.

Cynthia,

you don't have to broadcast it.

As most of you will see, the results of your examination are quite

disappointing. It's amazing.

This should be your best subject.

as familiar as you all are with the human body.

And anyone who has been exploiting anatomy the way that you hot girls have

should certainly know their subject.

And you had better shape up.

Hey, Professor, the shape is up.

And now, today's exciting episode of Hour of Despair.

Oh, Suzanne.

Everyone has left me.

Harvey has run off with Barbara.

I'm sorry.

That's all right over here, Donna. Listen, go right ahead.

Wherever you're going, enjoy yourself. Thanks, Mom.

I'll get it. See ya.

Don't worry about it. I love you, too.

I must... I must somehow pick up the pieces of my shattered life.

Well, since you picked my pieces, I sure wish you'd come over here and pick up

some of these.

Good morning, little lady of the house. This is your lucky day. Well, it's about

time. Yes.

The Acme Robot Company, of which I am a representative, has chosen you to

receive one free day's service by... Ronnie DeLoto.

A robot?

Sure. He looks like a fugitive from a tin can factory to me.

But he dusts, he vacuums, he washes.

In fact, he does just about every household show imaginable.

Does he do windows? I do not do windows. Windows do not compute.

But he does just about everything else, and it looks like you could use a little

help. I do not do windows.

Well, I guess he don't do windows.

All right, but let me tell you something.

This had better be good.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Easy, does it?

Right through the door here, Ronnie.

Right there's good.

There. Now let me show you how easy it is to operate Ronnie the Robot.

First we disconnect this, and we put this here, and we use the vacuum miter

to hook up.

And once we get this in place, we hit our extender buttons.

We are ready to operate.

And there we are.

Okay, Ron. There we are.

Our robot.

Cleaning house.

Now, what they gonna think of you?

And don't worry, lady. We're gonna clean out this place real good.

Easy, easy, easy. Now, you clean up. I'll look for the stash.

I do not do windows.

Would you knock it off?

Flinky, don't ignore me.

Here you go.

I suppose you girls know that if you do as poorly on the next test, you will

have failed my class.

Yes, we know, Professor.

Hello.

Hello,

Professor. Are you girls going down?

All the way.

All right.

They're in.

Watch.

I can't. The doors are closed.

We're stuck between floors. We're... Oh, girls. Oh, girls.

Oh, girls.

Where is the damn elevator?

How far have you gotten with Professor Williams?

Dead end.

All his or yours?

Let's face it, Cynthia. He's only interested in one thing.

His work.

It looks like you've been putting in a lot of overtime.

Well, because we did, do we pass without a right?

A -plus, definitely A -plus. Oh, I had no idea that your knowledge of anatomy

was so widespread.

Oh, definitely A -plus.

This thing's heavy. Almost got it, just a minute.

He used to be the star of his own TV series until his ratings dropped and he

canceled. What are you doing, babe?

Yeah, I thought he looked familiar. Yeah, man, I bet those people don't even

know he's in this movie.

Very cute little bear.

The creeps don't even know he's missing yet. Okay, we're so close.

Let's get out of here, man.

Hey! Give us our band back!

Say, what say we go over to the Hot's house, huh? Yeah, all right.

What do you say, Bear? Hot's, huh?

Okay.

Oh, hi.

Hi,

guys. Hey.

Uh, gentlemen.

Gentlemen, this is clearly a case of mistaken identity.

Steal our bear, you dumb... Hit him, hit him, you dumb... Sucker, you didn't...

I don't think you're going to get away with this, you son of a... Bet you

thought you would, you smartass. Ask Mad Dog what he did with our bear. He's

going with a pea brain.

That's a real good idea. Why don't you ask Mad Dog?

Bear?

What bear?

I haven't seen a bear since you and Cynthia.

Not with this bear shit. Open the...

Wait for me!

Thank you.

Oh, the food looks wonderful.

It looks too good to eat.

I know, I made that your favorite dish.

Oh, did you put honey on it?

No, I...

I really hate to leave you, but... Then don't.

No, no, look.

I'm present in a frat.

I have to go.

Look, I'll, um... I'll walk you to the door, okay?

No, it's okay.

You just run along.

Who's early?

You sick?

Yeah, sick of Melody Ragmore. And I bet she's giving that party just to get Doug

back. Well, quit crying.

Let's do something about it.

Like what?

Does honey put out?

We ought to have some decent food under those silly little cans of tea.

That's the pan up.

to a bottle and a small hot bird.

Hey, Richie, you already have a small hot bird.

me you

What taking them so long? They should have been here by now.

Jock, you've got to be kidding.

out what's going on.

This time they have gone too far.

Just what we plan to do if you ever come snooping around here.

We'll put planning into action.

Boom, boom, go get the drinks.

Carrie, bring them out here.

You mean we're really going to do it?

Come on, Fred.

What a lovely surprise.

Won't you sit down?

Well, uh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well...

Take

one. Really?

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Is

that

all?

That's all.

Unless, of course, you have a pair of men's shorts I can borrow.

Why, no, sir.

What would we be doing with a pair of men's shorts?

Why, indeed.

Well, I guess that's all.

All right. You just make yourself at home, and we'll tidy up your clothes.

You're going to catch your death of cold.

Don't try to con me. Don't con me. I know you're hiding a still up there.

Well, you're mistaken, sir. There's just some old nasty bees up there.

And I suppose everybody just happens to have a bathtub hidden in their attic?

Well, I suppose they don't. But they don't have our leaky roof either.

What's under that blanket?

Oh, it's empty.

It hasn't rained up here in a long time.

Dean?

Dean!

You hot girls.

You think you can get whatever you want by flaunting and you're teasing?

Well, now it's my turn.

Now I'm going to get what I want from you.

I think he's caused us enough trouble. Let's go home, man. I'm tired.

Over here.

Get over here.

Give it to me.

You just give me what I want, and you're going to get...

Anything so disgusting.

You know, you can't let those hotskills show you up.

John's right.

Let's go.

Okay.

Hey, I would like to volunteer to wet him down.

This isn't just a contest to see how good you look in a wet t -shirt. Oh, no,

no, no, no.

But how well they move.

How well you move in one.

Shake.

Shake it.

Shake.

Shake it.

Shake it up. Shake it up. Shake it.

Shake.

Shake.

Shake. Shake it up.

Shake, shake it.

Shake it, shake it.

Shake it, shake it.

Shake it up, shake it up. Shake it,

shake it.

Shake it up, shake it up.

Sensational.

Sensational? I'm sure you weren't talking about her dancing.

Go cool off!

I think that's kind of rough.

Can't take it, huh?

Well, you hot girls should be pretty used to being touched and tackled.

the right big mouth you asked for.

Just to make it more interesting, we'll say that every time a team scores a

touchdown, the opposing team has to take off a piece of clothing.

What?

Can't take it, huh?

Oh, yeah?

Well, you'll be the one that's taking it.

something they don't. Yeah, the captain of the FU football team.

Macho man will teach us his best moves.

Yeah, all of his huddles and passes.

Okay, this is called the plunge of the middle play.

Now to execute it, you need good blocks up front to open up the hole.

Macho man, are you sure we're talking about football?

Hey, come on, let's go run one. Let's go.

me down so many times

stumbling through the tender years

a girl goes through sometimes

more than i could be

I need another drink.

Would you like anything?

Yeah, but it's not in the cooler.

Hey.

Here, have one on me.

Thanks. Sure.

Still gonna make it with Tammy, huh?

She's hot stuff. You'll enjoy yourself.

I know I did.

Boy, did you hear that creep?

Yeah.

Richie is always pulling that kind of crap.

Yeah.

It's time somebody taught him a lesson.

I've got an idea.

If you're willing to go along with it.

Boy, oh boy, am I willing.

Somebody mine Who found his love for you And now you feel

You've reached the end Well, I know, girl

What you're going through Just how much You need a

friend Someone who cares Someone who understands

Just how bad Bad luck

I want to help you.

If you can help yourself, you can help yourself to me.

How do I look?

Wow, just like Honey's twin sister. It's perfect.

Can you believe anyone is as big as O 'Hara?

No. How do I look?

A little more, and even O 'Hara's mother won't even know the difference.

With these disguises, we'll be able to go through the Hott's house unnoticed.

Right. And then we'll put some of this itching powder into their uniform.

They won't know what to do first tomorrow, scratch or pass.

Hey, tell Sam I'm here and ready to eat.

Are you sure it's gonna work

How did you ever con the professor out of his video equipment?

I told him I was doing an in -depth exposé on the sex life of campus

Good?

How about another bowl?

Are you kidding? I just had two.

Coffee? Yes,

please. Keeps me up at night.

We'll see.

That was some meal.

Then I guess everything you make is great.

Well, yeah.

The best part.

Yet to come.

Hi, Macho Man.

Hey, don't worry. He's just on his period.

Hey, what's going on?

There's a really good show coming on.

You look great in red.

Well, thank you.

It's one of my favorite colors. I wear it all the time.

Hey, look at that guy.

He looks just like Richie. That is Richie. What's he doing?

He's not fucked.

Of course, it's no sound. Somebody turn it up.

Oh, yeah?

Why, why, why not?

Because it would be cheating.

On who?

Mad Dog? I won't tell. Did you tell him? No.

Good. On Terry.

Terry. Terry, why does she have to know?

Because you're having an affair with her.

What? No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

I heard you tell Macho Man you were.

At the beach party.

Oh, that. Don't worry about that. I was just putting the overgrown hunk of lard

on. Hey, where's that guy? I'll kill him. No, wait.

He's dead already. Now watch.

You know, Terry, she's so crazy about that jerk, she don't even look at

guy.

Now let me show you what a real macho man looks like.

You're in for a treat.

They're actually watching it.

Those perverts.

Oh, I love to do that to Honey Shane.

Oh, it's too bad we don't have a razor.

Who says we don't?

Shh.

On to the hot sound.

Oh, think how happy it'll make Melody.

Oh, aren't they ever going to leave?

Shh.

I'm going to sneak around back.

See if I can get in.

Okay.

Yeah.

This stuff is foul enough to rust your pipes.

Pink. And itch.

Hey,

you guys.

Now we got her all tied up.

Let's find out if she's ticklish. I think that's a good idea.

I just wanted to show up there.

Hey, Bucks.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, uh, pest control, miss. I'm looking for Bucks. I'm in here.

We better find that girl before she blows the whistle on us. Right, Charlie.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Ferrenville

Game of the Year.

and bringing you the play -by -play with Reggie Walker doing the color.

Give me a T!

Give me an I!

What's that sound?

My girls look in really good shape, Doug. I've heard they've had a 3 a .m.

curfew. Well, now that's really towing the line.

Well, it is a big game. At least for the losers.

And the hot team is taking the field.

There's a lot of time.

Well, Richie, you've seen these girls in action. What can we expect?

Well, Douglas, I can safely say that we're going to see more of these girls

we've ever had before.

Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Each player began this game

with exactly four pieces of clothing.

And each time a team scores, all members of the opposing team must give us a

piece.

I know what I'm going to do with mine. Happy plans for yours?

I thought dinner might be...

Come on, John. Let's go. Maybe she needs some help.

had a tail.

I wasn't so lucky for you.

You think there's any other reason why I'm here?

Great coat.

Looks hot.

I used to deal with that first myself.

Nice beard.

Centuries.

I can't go.

When you make that license, go sin.

stadium, the football stadium.

Goldstein, call the fire department.

that's

She packed her dreams, closed her suitcase, closed her heart and mind.

And she turned her head to keep from looking at the tears that I was crying.

As her footsteps faded in the darkness, she was on her way.

I knew she'd try to lose herself in the lights of L .A.