Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language from the start

In conclusion, we are all defined by the people we accept

into our sacred, inner space.

We must be careful about who we allow to influence

our fertile spirits.

Especially as busy CEOs

in the fast-paced world of corporate stationery.

Did that work?

It is perfect.

The CEOs are going to love it. Anya will be so grateful.

Well, she better, because, I mean, she hasn't actually paid me yet.

I mean, that's the only reason I'm even here.

She will, don't worry.

Cos 20 grand will buy us a lot of bamboo sleeping mats.

I'll chase the invoice.

Yeah, make sure it's cash or cheque.

Cos once we get to Devon tomorrow, we won't have Wi-Fi on the farm.

Right, then,

those stationery honchos are absolutely ravenous

for your keynote speech.

They're just in with the reiki fella now.

In the meantime, we need your phones.

The frog shaman has a bit of a thing about 5G...

ANYA SNORES

...and we like to keep these retreats as screen-free as possible.

Thank you.

Anya? Mm? Whitney was just asking about her fee. Oh, all in hand.

We just need to get you in for a quick aura assessment, Whitney.

Mandatory for all guest practitioners.

Yeah?

Oh, sorry, babe.

The assessment's strictly confidential. No plus-one.

Whitney would want me there.

I don't, actually.

Just stay here and, you know, practise breathing.

Anya roped me into helping out.

I really didn't want to but I still owe her bail money

for that thing in Faliraki, so.

Where are, like, the other guests?

HE TUTS, INHALES SHARPLY

Um...

BEEPING

Is that a pager?

Sorry. I, er... I'm needed in the, um...

...colonic tent.

So just wait here and I won't be long.

I just thought people might be hungry.

It's not a sleepover, Krent.

What was that?

I'm sorry, OK? I know fuck-all about this woo-woo shit.

It's very hard to improvise around a subject

you know nothing about.

Which is why you were sent a 35-page primer.

Can confirm it was sent to your Gmail on Thurs.

It was Homobloc last weekend. Call yourself an ally?

Fine. Let me summarise.

Krent, you probably need a refresher too, so.

KRENT YELPS

Right, so the goal today is to de-program Eddie

and save her from Whitney's evil scheme.

It's not as simple as just showing her

the evidence we've found.

Eddie has really drunk that kombucha Kool-Aid,

so we need to be careful.

But if we can keep her here

and follow these simple steps I found on Reddit...

KRENT GASPS

...I think we have a shot at success.

I know it's a big fucking swing, but it's the least Eddie deserves.

Which is why I stepped up

to be the primary-slash-only financial backer,

and executive producer.

Right. Thank you, Krent!

We've got step one out of the way,

we've got them separated.

And Anya's holding Whitney off, for now.

But we are on the clock, people.

Whitney is getting on a secret flight early tomorrow morning,

so we need to intercept today, save Eddie and...

And get her goddamn money back.

I was getting to that.

Eddie has transferred almost everything she has

into Whitney's bank account

so that she can buy this supposed farm in her name.

But we know the pictures she showed Eddie

are just the fifth result

when you Google-image search "English farm".

Phone me.

We need to get that money out of Whitney's account by EOD

before it's gone forever.

What does...? End of day. Oh.

I've almost cracked Whitney's account

but I've come up against one final hurdle -

the memorable question.

What's the memorable question?

First pet's name.

Well, he looks like a Larry. Try Larry.

That is where Anya comes in.

Ready to start the assessment?

I've never seen equipment like this before.

May I ask which practitioner this is informed by?

Oh, I believe it was Sivaya Subramuniyaswami

who perfected the technique.

SHE CHUCKLES Impressive.

So, question one.

What would you say your... soul animal is?

Soul animal. Damn, she's good.

OK, then, team.

Send in the interrogator.

Gillian?

Eddie. What a lovely surprise.

Well, now. It's been a while.

Yeah.

Sorry, did Anya invite you...?

Retirement, it turns out, is awfully boring.

So I've been doing some light events catering, keeps me busy.

Would you like a cheese scone?

I made them this morning.

Are you sure your mum can do this?

When I was 17,

I admitted to nicking her drink at a wedding I hadn't even been at.

What's her secret?

Guilt. And crumbs.

Ooh. Wow.

Mmm. They're so... loose.

So, Eddie, I hear you're moving to Devon tomorrow.

Mm.

We've bought a small farm.

And we're going to live off the land and start an intentional community

focused on inner peace and...

Make sure you finish that, love.

It's bad luck to leave a scone in half.

And how can your friend Whitney afford a farm?

We bought it together.

That's nice. 50-50 sort of a deal?

And you've been down to have a look, I take it,

before making any financial commitment?

Wow. That was...

...delicious.

Really... overwhelming.

In a good way.

Have another one.

While they're fresh.

EDDIE GULPS

You see that? Mm. That was good.

Yeah, very, yes.

What was it, though? The look on Eddie's face.

It's the same look she gets when someone offers her

a bump in the loo.

She's not sure.

KRENT CHUCKLES

Now, look, I don't want to get involved in the rift

between you and Maggie,

but I'm her mammy, and I've got to say one thing.

What's she doing?

You mean so much to Maggie.

You're her family, Eddie, and I just...

...I worry about what will happen to her without you.

How about what will happen to me?

Ryan! Pull her out.

And say what? J-Just go!

RYAN PANTS NERVOUSLY

Jesus!

Gillian!

I have spent a lot of my life looking after Maggie.

You abandoned her, Eddie!

Do you have any idea what that did to her?

Gillian!

RYAN PANTS

There you are. Everything is ready...

...for your acupuncture session...

...with Sha... ness... cafe.

Of course.

We wouldn't want to keep...

...Shanesscafe waiting, would we?

SHE SIGHS

I recently discovered that I was a dog

in most of my previous lives.

And I must say,

I think I recognised the scent of your astral trail, Whitney.

Perhaps we were puppies together in Soviet Russia.

Wouldn't that be something?

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Ever had a dog, Whitney?

One, as a kid. Her name was Baby.

Baby...

...you say?

Baby. Yeah, baby!

Oh. Look, don't do that.

DULL BEEPING No.

I didn't know about the attempt limit. Oh, God!

That was NOT what I asked you to do.

I think you'll find it's exactly what you asked,

thank you very much. I sowed seeds of doubt.

And then I had some time left over, so I thought I'd try and help.

I'm not doing this for me, Mum. I'm doing it for Eddie.

Of course you are, darling.

OK. Time for stage three - inform. Ready to go to?

Totes, babe.

I mean, if I was right about what an HDMI cable is...

Wait! Wait. Before we watch, I just want to say...

CLEARS THROAT

From the moment I saw Flubber in my father's home theatre,

I knew my future lay in the art of what the French call ci-ne-ma.

Oh, God, I knew I should have watched this first.

SHE SIGHS

TV CRACKLES

Hey, Eddie. Don't freak out. Sit down, relax.

In his seminal 1981 paper Cult Formation,

the psychiatrist Robert J Lifton observed

that the most common, unifying feature of high-control groups

is the presence of a charismatic leader,

one who can't be questioned or held accountable

for anything they do.

MAGGIE LAUGHS Not bad.

All of us can relate to having someone to look up to.

For instance,

if Madonna told me to plunge my hands into a bucket of hot piss,

I'd say, "Pass the bucket."

But that doesn't mean I wouldn't regret it later, Eddie,

when I'm scrubbing my hands under hot water,

trying to get the smell of piss off me.

Once strictly a job for dirty, white men,

cult leadership is now a viable option

for people from all walks of life...

...even hot girls.

Shit, she's getting antsy.

No. We knew this would happen, so we also added this.

♪ When the camera flashy I act so happy

♪ I'm in heaven when you're looking at me

♪ Angel of my dreams

♪ I will always love you and hate you

♪ It's not fair

♪ It's so bittersweet... ♪

What the fuck, Krent?

Well, I did better than whatever that was.

Get her off me! She's going to kill me!

MAGGIE GASPS

What were you thinking?

I was thinking my audience needed some sugar with their medicine.

I'm going to kill him! Take a lap, hon.

Look, this isn't some fun bit, this is Eddie's life!

And if we fuck this up because you idiots can't do anything normally,

then I might lose it for good this time.

And I can't face that, OK?

I can't face it.

So, please, just fucking focus!

Just try "Larry". What?

No! No, no... DULL BEEP

HE SIGHS No.

Gee, it must nearly be time for my talk.

You've actually only been here for 20 minutes.

The aura reading can really...

SHE EXHALES ...contort your sense of time.

If you let it.

Mm. My sense of time was specifically complimented on

by a clockless monk I met in Peru.

Hmm!

Mm. ANYA LAUGHS SOFTLY

Wait. What's she doing?

It's happening. Stage four, people. Come the fuck on!

PHONE BUZZES

BEEPING Ooh.

One sec. Got to wrangle some lost herbalists.

ANYA GROANS

Oh, he-e-e-e-e-e-e-ey, Eddie.

Can you just check my crotch is dry?

Is this for real?

SHE GROANS

SHE MOANS It's locked!

RYAN GROANS

What? It shouldn't be locked. Fuck! Ryan? Gillian? Anyone!

A baby is coming out of her! Fucking help us! It's coming!

Come on, Anya.

Quick Q. Where's Whitney?

There is a map in your emails.

No. I mean, she's not in her room.

What?

Help us, you pricks!

Shh-shh-shh! You shouldn't be shouting like that.

You might... burst the baby.

You need to distract me. Take my hand.

Talk. T-Talk about what?

Maggie, they need you. Yeah, but Whitney...

We'll find her. Ohh!

Let's talk about the real reason you're leaving.

I'm leaving to build an intentional community with Whitney.

It's kind of an extreme thing to do.

It only seems extreme to you because you're not truly spiritual.

Please. I spent all of 2009 in an ashram in Croydon.

No ad-libbing. What I mean is, it looks to me like...

It looks to me like you're doing what you always do.

Running away.

I don't think it will help.

And I don't think that will help.

I think everything felt really hard...

...and you wanted to be someone else.

You wanted a way to feel free and happy...

...and not constantly fighting any more.

I know what that's like.

I get that, I really do.

But you know what my mum always says?

Wherever you go...

Whatever you go, there you are.

You didn't have to do the fucking...

...accent.

Oh, shit.

ANYA PANTS

EDDIE SNIFFS

Now, I don't know exactly what that's supposed to smell like...

...but I'm pretty sure it isn't apple juice.

No, don't. No.

I'm a fucking bartender.

Good point.

Uh!

RYAN GROANS, GRUNTS

Shit!

She's loose. Quick. Quick, somebody get eyes on Eddie.

Eyes on...

What is this?

Eddie...

...listen to us.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Eddie. These people locked me in a room.

No, we didn't.

There was no lock. We made very sure of that.

Yeah, we use lies instead.

Eddie, we need to get out of here. Like, now.

Her dad is alive.

Ronald Hotchkiss, 66,

happily married to Angela Hotchkiss, also 66, for over 40 years.

That's a picture of him with Whitney - or Catherine,

since that's her real name, actually -

at a family reunion a few months ago.

He messaged earlier

asking if you might need a lift from the airport tomorrow.

Didn't I say they would try and discredit me like this?

They are demons and they want to block your path to the light.

And she is also a failed slime influencer.

She's actually a serial influencer, which is really sad.

All my friends are influencers without even trying to be.

She keeps making online personas to scam people, Eddie.

She's been doing it for years.

Oh, I can't believe we need to point this out.

Look at her brand-new teeth.

They are insanely white!

She looks like she's on Geordie Shore.

She's not even a real healer.

She's a liar!

Her crystal necklaces are hideous.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

You're being insane!

Stop it, stop.

Eddie, none of this was meant to hurt you.

Maybe this... this wasn't the right way to go about it,

but I-I knew you needed to be un-brainwashed,

and... and maybe we should have got an expert in,

but we didn't have much time and...

Please, Eddie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel... But...

...I'm trying to save you.

I-I might be bad at it, but, look, I'm trying.

Is your dad alive?

It depends what you mean by "dad".

I mean, is my birth father alive?

Well, sure.

So, when you told me that you knew exactly how I felt,

that you'd been on the same journey as me,

and you knew how to fix me, that was just... marketing?

No.

Give Eddie her money back.

You give it back and you leave, and let her family take care of her.

If you're referring to the investment Eddie willingly made

into our intentional community,

then those funds have already been used to buy land.

The land we decided to buy together.

We know there's no land, Whitney. It doesn't exist.

You know...

...I actually help people, and you all find that so challenging

that you have to try and discredit me

and make up all these lies.

Oh, we are the liars?

When you are the one with a made-up name.

You know what?

Why don't you go and shove a crystal dildo up your hole, Catherine?

You know, I have had to deal with this kind of prejudice

ever since I began healing others.

Much like... Much like Jesus Christ himself.

Who? Wow. Oh, come on!

Much like Jesus Christ himself had to endure.

And if requiring some financial compensation

for the burden I carry with me every day

for being a bearer of light is a bad thing to you?

Well, that says everything about you people

and how little you value enlightenment.

SHE CHUCKLES I mean...

...what do you offer each other?

Loads.

Because I...

...can take you to the light.

Let's go.

Really?

You're going to believe these freaks over me?

The person who saved you?

You know, one day, I will ascend to the celestial heaven

that's waiting for me,

and I will look down on all of you from my throne of purity,

with my childhood cat Choo-Choo by my side,

because I know she's waiting for me...

CHIRPY BEEP

...and I will watch y'all burn.

Come back here! Thief!

Oh, no.

What... a day.

Ah!

Anya, are you not pregnant?

I'm not any more.

Wh... So, where's the baby?

At home.

FOOTSTEPS

She's... She's so fast.

And she jumped through a really high window.

Do you know if she's ever been in Cirque du Soleil or something?

We should... We should call... Police.

And say what?

"Hi. I'm a fucking idiot who gave all my money

"to a white girl who owns clip-in dreadlocks"?

They can't do anything. I gave her that money.

SHE PANTS

Ryan...

...was I in a tiny cult?

A bit, yeah.

It's all right, Eddie.

We've all found ourselves in a pyramid scheme or two.

And this, this was the only way to fucking tell me that?!

Let's talk.

Just you and me.

I don't want to do that.

Eddie, please, just...

Just give me one night.

EDDIE SIGHS I don't want to be here.

Well, we can leave. We can go somewhere else.

Where?

♪ I was in your dream last night

♪ I came to tell you everything tastes so bad

♪ It tastes so strong

♪ My skin is tied to your skin

♪ So everything you touch, I touch

♪ And I'm rolling in my grave... ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media