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1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,359
This programme contains
strong language, adult humour
2
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,600
and scenes some may find distressing.
3
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,359
Nothing says you're in you early 30s
like having to worry about
4
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,360
how many dads you've sucked off
at a child's birthday party.
5
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,479
Is everything all right over here?
6
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:43,560
Yeah. Yeah.
7
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,239
Right, well, congratulations on
being the most boring people
8
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,280
at this boring people convention.
9
00:00:56,880 --> 00:01:00,519
So, that, erm...
that new, erm, reality show,
10
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,239
where the... the hot... the hot girl
has to figure out which hot old man
11
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,879
is her biological father
starts tonight.
12
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,599
So, if you wanna come round...
13
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,159
I have to work.
14
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,679
Well, come after.
15
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,519
Maggie, I meant what I said.
16
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,000
I need some space.
17
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,839
You know Jonah was my last chance
to save the bar, right?
18
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,680
And you ruined it?
19
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,280
Uh...
20
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,640
Oh, OK. Cool apology.
21
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,840
PHONE BUZZES
I need to answer this.
22
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,519
Where are you going?
23
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:41,799
I just...
It's cake time.
24
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,799
I'm trying to hurry this up,
so I can get these little freaks
25
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,599
out of my garden.
CHILD SCREAMS
26
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,999
Ah! This is why we enrolled Mercury
in Buddhist meditation training
27
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,559
from day one. He hasn't screamed
once, not since birth.
28
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:52,000
Can I...? Hurry up!
29
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:54,639
Hello?
30
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,679
Theodora Rushton?
Uh... Speaking.
31
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:58,999
This is Amanda from the London
Pregnancy Advice Centre.
32
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,079
TRICKLING
Is now a good time to talk?
33
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,839
Oh, yeah, all good.
34
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,159
So, I can see here you're in need
of an abortion.
35
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:08,479
We can actually provide the pills
necessary for this via post.
36
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,759
We just need the date of your
last period.
37
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,319
Cool.
38
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,719
So, what was the date of your
last period?
39
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,199
Uh, right. Erm, can I give you
an estimate?
40
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,319
No.
41
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,239
OK. Then I do not know.
42
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,439
Sorry, but, like...
nobody knows that stuff.
43
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,919
Most people use period tracking
apps.
44
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:27,599
And give the government my period
data? No, thanks.
45
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,879
Right, well, in that case,
we'll need you to come in
46
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,759
for a scan first.
47
00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,119
Fine.
48
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,399
The next available scan in London
is...
49
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,959
...in a month. What?
50
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,959
No, I... I can't wait a month.
51
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,639
I threw up on the tube this morning,
and a bit went in a woman's bag,
52
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,399
and I didn't even tell her.
Erm...
53
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,039
Yesterday I cried went I saw
a banana lying alone on a table.
54
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,479
Prior to that, I hadn't cried in
eight years.
55
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,479
I'm sorry. I could get you into
a clinic in Carlisle next week,
56
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,559
if you know anyone in Carlisle?
57
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:55,959
Is that a country?
58
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,719
Otherwise, you could always go
private, if you can afford that.
59
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,799
They can do the scan and pills
on the same day.
60
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,119
Fine.
61
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,319
Well, thanks for nothing, I guess.
62
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,759
No offence.
63
00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:08,520
I've heard worse.
64
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,760
SHE SIGHS
65
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,080
SHE RETCHES
66
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,200
Fuck it.
67
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,760
DOOR OPENS
68
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,839
Hi. Hi, erm...
69
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,959
Just wondering if you have any
appointments for today?
70
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,319
Hey, girlie.
71
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,279
You here to exercise your rights?
72
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,719
Uh... I'm sorry?
73
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,679
I'm Kaz. I'm a Girlborsh Consultant.
74
00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,239
You're a doctor? Ha-ha!
75
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,959
No. Not at all, no.
76
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,560
My degree's in media.
77
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,959
Hey, girlie, you here to exercise
your...? You said that bit.
78
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,519
Sorry, it's my first week.
79
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:26,839
Erm...
80
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:30,559
I'm here to take you from...
preggo to fabbo.
81
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,799
Here at Girlborsh, we celebrate
your right to choose.
82
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,919
Can I get you a virgin mojito?
83
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,719
No, I'm in a bit of a rush, so if
we could just... Totally, totally.
84
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,519
You gotta hustle.
85
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,880
You gotta slay! You gotta...
you gotta work.
86
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,039
So, you're here to have for
a medical aborsh?
87
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,199
A medical abortion, yes.
88
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,959
But, erm, apparently I need
the scan thingy too,
89
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,240
cos I don't know when my last
period was. Oh, been there.
90
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,160
I haven't been there. I'm not...
I don't have them.
91
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,599
Erm...
92
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,879
Yes, we'll get that scan done for
you today, and then we just,
93
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,320
you know, take it from there.
94
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,399
Do you have a borsh buddy with you?
95
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,799
Sorry?
96
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,679
We encourage our patients to bring
a bestie and make a day of it.
97
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,439
You could grab a cocktail
afterwards.
98
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,079
Depending on whether you have
an adverse reaction to the
first pill, or not.
99
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,440
Can that happen?
100
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,239
Are you interested in our
Rad Pad bundle?
101
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,359
Erm, it's £50 extra.
102
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,399
But you get 20 of our famously
comfy Girlborsh pads.
103
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,120
They're specially designed to
soak up all the, erm...
104
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,039
...stuff.
105
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,719
Uh, no, just do the basic package
for me, I think.
106
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,119
And no bestie? No bestie.
107
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,999
Well, before we go any further,
I will need to take payment.
108
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,080
Which comes to £799.
109
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,559
Do you take Klarna?
110
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,159
No.
111
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,079
I don't have £800 in
my bank account.
112
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,520
Nobody does. That would be mental.
113
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,639
But I can get the money.
I can get...
114
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,279
...800 measly pounds.
115
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,839
Maybe I can't save my bar!
116
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:20,719
But I can get 800! And I will!
117
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,760
Yeah? You just watch me!
118
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,439
Hey, do you have any Bepanthen?
119
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,599
What?
120
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,639
Or coconut oil?
Or something distinctly super dry?
121
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,799
What the...?
122
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,319
Where's all the cash?
123
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,959
Uh, we're cashless, Eddie.
Jay set it up the other week.
124
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,279
Seriously, some coconut oil, please?
125
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,759
I had no idea you were religious,
Klent. Ew, I'm not.
126
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,039
Why have you got prayer hands
tattooed on your neck then?
127
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,519
Eddie, this is the clapping emoji.
Look.
128
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,079
OK, I don't have time for this.
129
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,959
There's Vaseline in the lost
and found.
130
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,079
Oh...
131
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:58,399
Why does everything cost money?
132
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,079
And why don't we have cheat codes
like in The Sims?
133
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,439
Oh, do you think this is worth
anything?
134
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,400
No. My mother would laugh you
out of her antique dealership.
135
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,159
You know, prayer isn't just
for the religious.
136
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,639
That tattoo artist lied to me.
137
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:15,959
Sure, mate.
138
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,519
You called? Well, you texted.
139
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,559
Hey, buddy! My lil pal!
140
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,319
My sunshine man!
141
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,319
Oh, wow! Hi!
142
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,079
we haven't shared a hug since
our GSCE results day.
143
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,000
Not that I'm tracking hugs...
144
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,919
Thank you for coming down.
No, it's fine.
145
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:33,919
My boss is literally always like,
"Get a life, Will,"
146
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,559
so he didn't mind.
147
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,039
So, I have a favour to ask...
148
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,640
Yeah, anything. Long as it doesn't
involve the word "Jonah."
149
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,839
Uh...
150
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,439
The beer fridge, uh, it's making
that buzzing sound again.
151
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,040
Not again! That rascal.
152
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,159
EDDIE GROANS
153
00:07:58,160 --> 00:07:59,520
SHE RETCHES
154
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,000
SHE COUGHS
155
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:07,999
What are these?
156
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,359
Oh, your brother was in earlier.
157
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,399
He was wearing the most
beautifully cut suit...
158
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,959
Fast forward to the info. He had
some contract he wanted you to sign,
159
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,399
and he said to call him.
Or maybe it was crawl him?
160
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,479
I couldn't really hear over
my cranial massager.
161
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,759
The flyers!
Oh, my God, I'm getting to it.
162
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,760
They're something to do
with your mum.
163
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,559
Join us for the launch
of Necks By Clara
164
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,519
at an independent designer showcase.
165
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,559
Oh, God, her weird scarf thing.
166
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,399
What weird scarf thing?
167
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,679
My mum's started a range of designer
skinny scarves.
168
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,959
She makes them out of...
169
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,999
...wider scarves.
170
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,119
She's sent me several deranged texts
about it.
171
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,999
Hmm, I wonder who's paying for that.
172
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,519
Mm, probably the usual.
173
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,520
Some old prick with too much...
174
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,799
...money.
175
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,360
So, you're really gonna sell
the bar?
176
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,080
Not necessarily.
177
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:03,600
CLUB MUSIC PLAYS
178
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,959
OK, just to thin the herd a bit.
179
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,239
If you're currently under police
investigation for sexual assault
180
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,320
of any kind, just please count
yourself out.
181
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,320
Time to channel Mummy.
182
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,839
I hate materialism.
I don't even have a smartphone.
183
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:43,999
Next.
184
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,479
I love refugees.
185
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:46,519
No.
186
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,999
I just think women are so brave.
187
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,999
None of us will ever be truly happy
until we defeat capitalism.
188
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,959
Get the fuck out of here.
189
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,040
Ugh!
190
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,440
Fuck.
191
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,999
You have a rescue dog?
192
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,639
Get outta here.
193
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:05,000
What has happened to these people?
194
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,079
Finally.
195
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:19,279
Clive?
196
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,199
No. Clyde.
197
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,520
It's short for Archibald.
198
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,159
And what is it you do, Clyde?
199
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,799
I'm an entrepreneur.
200
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,879
I happen to own a business nearby,
201
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,959
and thought it might be good for
company morale to bring my employees
202
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,719
out for a couple of magnums.
203
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,959
OK. And, uh, one more question -
204
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,959
and, honestly, I can work with
a yes or no on this -
205
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,399
are you married?
206
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,959
Not at present.
207
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,319
Eddie, I'm a romantic at heart.
208
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,759
I have gone on the adventure of
matrimony with five beautiful
209
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:52,479
but ultimately disappointing women,
and now...
210
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,960
...I'm looking for a sixth.
211
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,719
Uno mas.
212
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,159
I just thought it was deeply unfair
that people blamed me
213
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,999
for being on those flight logs.
214
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,919
I mean, it was a business trip!
215
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,519
I barely even knew Jeffrey.
216
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,599
Oh, haters gonna hate.
Exactly.
217
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,079
Ah, I'd better get back to my
employees. Oh.
218
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,519
Come with me.
219
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,239
I'll make them feel valued
for five minutes,
220
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,919
then we can go for dinner
at my club.
221
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,800
Yeah, let's do that!
Yeah!
222
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,799
Everyone, this is Ellie.
Oh, it's...
223
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,839
Yeah, no, it's fine.
Hi, erm, I'm Ellie.
224
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,240
Nice to meet...
225
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,439
You've got to be fucking kidding me!
226
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:34,919
I mean, God forbid, for once in my
life I try the easy way out, right?
227
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,359
God forbid, I try to rely on my
perfect face and arse for once!
228
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,879
But no! No, no, no!
229
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,239
I'll just keep doing things
the hard way.
230
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,799
As you were.
231
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,559
Good luck with the Epstein stuff.
232
00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:47,639
And I'll see YOU next week!
233
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,880
See... see you next week.
234
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:53,759
You look weird.
235
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:55,360
Have you been at a new money
wedding?
236
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,079
Do I look like I'm in the mood,
Klent?
237
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:00,520
EDDIE SIGHS
238
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,639
Ew! Eddie, that is so unhygienic!
239
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:07,999
DOOR OPENS
240
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,280
Do you need a hand?
241
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:13,359
No, thank you. I can manage.
242
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,040
I beg to differ.
243
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,479
What do you want, Maggie?
244
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:20,919
Oh, I'm just, erm...
245
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,639
When I said I needed some
time apart,
246
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,559
I meant more than a couple of days.
247
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,039
Ouch.
248
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,039
Can you go away?!
249
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,559
You're always asking me to leave,
and then you're so pissed off
250
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,439
when I'm. like, 40 minutes late.
251
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:33,960
Pick a thing!
252
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,679
I, erm...
253
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:46,359
I thought I-I-I... I left my copy
of, erm, The Da Vinci Code here,
254
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,999
like, erm, pft...
255
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,039
like, six years ago,
and I just, erm...
256
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,559
Oh, I just... I just really
wanted to read it, so...
257
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:55,880
I haven't seen it.
258
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,719
Oh.
259
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:00,200
That's weird...
260
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:08,720
Well, erm...
261
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,000
If it turns up... Yep.
262
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,119
DOOR SHUTS
263
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:23,520
PHONE BUZZES
264
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,280
I might actually hang myself
with a skinny scarf.
265
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,319
Weenie!
266
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,199
Gosh!
267
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,839
I didn't know you were coming. You
didn't reply to any of my messages.
268
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,319
Aren't you tricky?
269
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,999
Hi, Mum.
270
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,759
So, what do you think of
my creations?
271
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,600
Yeah, they're really...
272
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,479
...scarves.
273
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,799
Thank you, darling.
274
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,839
Look, I have, erm, a favour to ask.
275
00:14:10,840 --> 00:14:12,279
I need to borrow some money.
276
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:13,719
Weenie...
277
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,719
That's so horribly forthright.
278
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,159
Jay told me you were selling
your little bar.
279
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:19,679
Why on earth would you need money?
280
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,959
Oh, so you know about that, then?
Thanks for checking up on me.
281
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,839
Darling, I have been exceptionally
busy.
282
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:29,279
Now, listen, do you have much
high-end retail experience?
283
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,359
Erm...
284
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,839
It's just that I need to go with
the flow, and talk to the press,
285
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,719
that kind of thing. So, if you
could just man the stall?
286
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,680
We could talk about that favour
later.
287
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,360
Yeah, I'd love to.
288
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,839
Erm, but why are they £100?
289
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,439
Well, they're skinnier than
you'll find with your usual
290
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,119
high street skinny scarves.
291
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,440
Forget it.
292
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:00,719
Nice of you to show up.
293
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,599
I've been at this pathetic craft
fair for an hour already.
294
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,199
Well, I had to pick up my mate,
Leanne, from Streatham.
295
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,999
Mum asked me to bring a celebrity,
so Leanne's gonna pretend
296
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,119
she was on the last series
of Love Island.
297
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,160
Oh!
298
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,879
I've also brought the contract
with me. Can you back off?!
299
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,680
I... I need a minute.
300
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,399
TOILET FLUSHES
301
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:30,719
Oh!
302
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,639
Oh, Christ, Weenie!
303
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,959
You could have declared yourself,
or something.
304
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,319
You're always so spooky.
305
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,720
Sorry.
306
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,759
Well, in you go, then, darling.
307
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,639
I CAN listen to you wee.
I did give birth to you.
308
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,759
Yeah. And, erm...
309
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,799
As compensation for that
regrettable error,
310
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,559
can we talk about me borrowing
some money?
311
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,280
CLARA SIGHS
312
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,199
Well, how much do you need?
313
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,680
800 quid.
314
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,240
Actually, Mum...
315
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,199
I don't wanna sell the bar.
316
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,559
And I know it's a lot.
317
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,959
And we haven't always been close,
we've had our differences.
318
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,519
But I thought maybe that you
could... Oh, Weenie.
319
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,159
I hope you're not about to ask what
I think you're about to ask.
320
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,199
I'm a new business owner.
I mean, I'm practically destitute.
321
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,399
You own a townhouse in
Primrose Hill.
322
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,559
That I inherited when my parents
died, Weenie.
323
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,159
Thank you so much for the reminder.
324
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,319
Do you want me to hurl myself
into the streets
325
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:41,759
so you can keep your bar?
326
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,599
DAD'S bar. Yes.
327
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:44,919
Oh, Weenie.
328
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,399
That place was an albatross around
your father's neck,
329
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:50,159
and to be quite frank,
lead directly to our divorce.
330
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,439
Oh, the bar caused the divorce,
did it?
331
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,759
Not your affair with
Jamie Theakston?
332
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,879
Alleged affair with Jamie Theakston!
333
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,839
Clara, you owe me!
334
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:00,639
I owe you what?
335
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,719
A lifetime's worth of giving a shit!
336
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,360
Why are you doing this on my big
day?!
337
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,999
Jesus... I-I don't even know
why I even asked.
338
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,639
Shows how desperate I am.
339
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,879
Well, you can forget about
that 800 quid!
340
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,720
You ungrateful little...!
341
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:21,719
THIS is what I think of your
scarves.
342
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,199
EDDIE RETCHES LOUDLY
343
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,480
Oh, my...!
344
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,920
I mean, any normal scarf would be
at least twice this thick.
345
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:43,999
So, I heard there was a major
skinny scarf launch here today,
346
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,760
and I couldn't miss it.
347
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,600
Because Clara told me I couldn't,
so...
348
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,960
You OK?
349
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,879
CLARA CLINKS GLASS
350
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,200
Where did she get champagne?
351
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:06,039
I always knew I was destined
for great things.
352
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,399
I mean, I've already achieved
so much.
353
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,239
I don't like to mention it,
but I was signed to Storm
354
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:14,199
before Kate Moss was even
a twinkle in their eye,
355
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,919
and some still say I was
the better model.
356
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,440
Oh, and, of course, I was once
engaged to Mick Jagger...
357
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,159
...'s manager.
358
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,399
I'll sign if you PayPal me
£800 right now.
359
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:31,159
But my real achievement...
360
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,719
Make it 900. I'll need a Deliveroo.
361
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:36,999
...has been my gorgeous children!
362
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,879
Who are here today.
363
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,799
You know, people are always assuming
Theodora's my sister.
364
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:45,239
I mean, isn't that...
isn't that funny?
365
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,759
CLARA GIGGLES MANICALLY
366
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,400
There, done. No more bar.
367
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,999
Look, Eddie... But I've always been
a real entrepreneur at heart,
368
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:58,799
something I'm so pleased
to see reflected...
369
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,999
...in both Theodora and JAY-NUS.
370
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,599
JAY SIGHS
371
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:07,439
You see, they inherited this funny
little bar from their father,
372
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:12,359
and Weenie has, sweetly,
kept it going for a few years.
373
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,959
Hmm.
374
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,039
But I am so proud to hear...
375
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,999
...they've sold it to a developer,
who's gonna knock it all down
376
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:24,199
and turn it in to some gorgeous
luxury flats.
377
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,200
Isn't that fabulous?
378
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,319
What?!
Yeah, I was gonna tell you...
379
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,039
Luxury shitting flats?!
380
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,799
Eddie, please! Not at the
independent designer showcase!
381
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,959
It is a fucking craft fair, Clara!
382
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,519
Jesus. Eddie, come on.
383
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,320
Get the fuck off me, Jay!
384
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,999
Eddie?
385
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,199
Eddie, come... Can we...?
386
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,399
Tear up that contract! No.
387
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,119
What do you mean, no?
Oh, come on, Eddie!
388
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,959
What have you actually done
to keep the bar?
389
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,639
Have you even applied for
a business loan? A mortgage?
390
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,879
Face it, you want that bar sold
as much as I do.
391
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,079
Bullshit!
392
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,879
It was never your dream!
It was Dad's!
393
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,119
You were gonna be a fancy lawyer who
lived in a mansion in California.
394
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,319
That wasn't real.
I was just obsessed with The OC.
395
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:07,079
OK, but the point is -
your world was so big.
396
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,079
And then Dad died, and...
397
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,239
...it shrunk.
398
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,119
Oh, but you've processed Dad's death
really well!
399
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,839
How's the apocalypse bunker going?
400
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,519
Got enough baked beans
in there yet?!
401
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,759
All right, fine.
OK, I'll say it if you say it.
402
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,639
I'm a bit fucked up.
403
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,040
Now you go.
404
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:23,680
No?
405
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,599
You know, you have the worst case
of martyr syndrome
406
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,639
that I have ever seen.
407
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,919
When are you gonna start living
for you?
408
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,519
You're being really dramatic.
409
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,159
Am I? And what about Maggie?
410
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,239
What about Maggie?
Well, she needs you.
411
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,039
She'd fall apart without you,
and THAT makes you feel good.
412
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,639
It's called friendship, Jay!
413
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,999
I'm sorry if you don't recognise it
because we don't
414
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,479
wank onto biscuits together.
415
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,719
But Maggie has always - always -
been there for me.
416
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,759
Unlike some prematurely balding
dickheads I know!
417
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:57,359
All right, tell me, Eddie, what
happens when you no longer
418
00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,320
have anyone or anything to look
after? What happens then?
419
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,119
Fuck you!
420
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,319
And fuck your dirty money!
421
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,559
What are you ripping up?
I sent you the money on PayPal.
422
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,960
Eat shit, Jay-nus!
423
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,999
Oh, sick, you're here.
424
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,239
Hey.
425
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,119
Can I go home?
426
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:24,639
It's bad for my ADHD to be
under-stimulated like this.
427
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,239
You don't have ADHD.
428
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:28,439
Uh, I do. A guy on TikTok said so.
429
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,879
Just go.
430
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:30,960
Yeah?
431
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:37,439
Hi. Sorry, we're having to close
early and immediately because...
432
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,800
...the Mayor just died.
433
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,439
{\an8}KNOCK AT DOOR
434
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:16,800
{\an8}We're closed!
435
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,920
{\an8}LOUDER KNOCKING
436
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,600
She made me buy these.
437
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,839
£290.
438
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:42,720
I got a £10 family and friend
discount, so...
439
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,360
Come in.
440
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,199
You really need to cut Clara out.
441
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,679
Cutting my dad out was my best-ever
decision.
442
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,999
Yeah, I'd love to, but she'd
probably do something like
443
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,480
sue me for emotional neglect.
444
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,639
I hate saying sorry.
I know.
445
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,079
But I am.
446
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,719
I directed all my anger about Jay
and Jonah and the bog of poo I'm in
447
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,879
at you, and I... I shouldn't have.
448
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,320
It's OK.
449
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,239
So, this week, I've been feeling
really... I know.
450
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,599
Lonely, abandoned.
451
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:22,959
You miss me. I'm...
452
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,479
I'm a fucking dick. And I...
453
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,400
I missed you.
454
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,320
EDDIE SOBS
455
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,079
SHE SNIFFLES
456
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,200
Oh...
457
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,959
I lost the bar.
458
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,319
I know.
459
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:45,879
I'm sorry.
460
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,959
And I'm fucking pregnant.
461
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,599
What?! Why?! Not on purpose.
462
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,679
I need £799 for a quick abortion.
463
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,079
Can you lend it to me?
464
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:56,999
Yeah... Yeah, of course, obviously.
465
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,159
And I need you to come with me,
cos it's well weird.
466
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,719
And pink in there.
And I can't face it on my own.
467
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,719
And I need you to help get rid of
all the stuff in here,
468
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,319
and pack up my flat,
and find me somewhere new to live.
469
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,599
I need help, Maggie.
470
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,479
I need you to help me. Is that OK?
471
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,560
Can you do that for me?
472
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,360
You're fucked, mate.
473
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:22,919
Of course I can.
474
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,759
CHILD'S LAUGHTER ECHOES
475
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,480
I'm in a really good place.
34331
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