All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s01e03 - D.A.P

Ta-da!

Oh!

Nutsack!

Welcome, everybody,
to Taskmaster.

The show is called Taskmaster,
and I am Jeremy Wells.

And I am the Taskmaster.

I just welcomed you
to a show and to myself.

A few months ago,
I set five comedians

a series of novel and
at times frustrating tasks.

They attempted to do them.
We filmed them with cameras,

and tonight, I will judge them on
what they did and how they did it.

The winner at the end of one grueling
season will receive my head,

immortalized as a statue

and made slightly less
golden than the real thing.

Let's meet our competitors. They
are the same people as every week,

but I'll say their names because
they like it when people clap.

They are Angela Dravid

Brynley Stent

Guy Williams

Leigh Hart

and Madeleine Sami.

As always, I am
joined and assisted

by the man who refuses
to live in the shadow

of his more famous siblings,

Guy, Venus, and
Serena. It's Paul Williams.

I'm feeling really good tonight.

Last episode, I found out
I got extremely thirsty,

so they actually customized my
jacket with a hydration system.

Ok. Where's that coming out of?

So that just goes into there.
I've got a chocolate milkshake.

Wow.

Just built in there.

That wouldn't be my first choice
of drink, chocolate milkshake.

No, neither. I'm a vanilla guy,
so I've got that on this side.

Just there.

Paul was present for the
recording of all the tasks

at our top secret
Taskmaster ranch,

being my eyes on the ground,

enforcing my rules and generally
bringing down the vibe on set.

Just doing as I was told.

Yeah, well,

would you like to explain
our first task, please, Paul?

Our first task is a prize task.

Each competitor has donated
something to the prize haul.

The Taskmaster will decide
who has done it the best,

and the person with the most
points at the end of the show

will win all five things.

Tonight they were asked to bring in
the least useful item.

Ok, let's dig in and examine
our haul.

Uh, Guy, we're gonna start with you.

I bought the smoke alarm from
the Sky City Convention Centre.

Ruined New Zealand,
that smoke alarm.

- So is it actually the smoke alarm?
- It's the smoke alarm.

- Of course it is.
- Or is it just a smoke alarm

that you've burnt?

No, no. It's the smoke
alarm. I got it at a police auction.

I was trying to win
another useless invention

David Bain's gun safe but I
got the smoke alarm instead.

Ok. Angela, what did you bring
along?

I brought in a chapstick, um,
for your...

You brought along
chapstick for your...

For your labia.

- Labia.
- Uh, yeah.

That's just a...

I think it's strawberry scented.

Nothing worse than chapped lips,
Jeremy. You know that.

Yeah, you really
don't wanna get a DAP.

What's a DAP?

A Dry Ass Pussy. So...

...something like that is really
good to have.

- Should we move on from this?
- Yeah.

Mads, what did you bring in?

So Roomba. I call my one
'Roombot', but it's useless,

because it acts
like it's really useful,

cuz it says, 'I'm a vacuum that
can go around automatically,

and you I have to do the work,'

but the batteries don't last,

and they die in really inconvenient
places and then you can’t find them.

Like, we literally lost out
for months.

Well, I feel like it might be
user error.

Maybe it's trying to escape you
cuz you're a bad owner.

Leigh, what did you bring in?

Angela might enjoy my one,
actually. This could be quite helpful.

So we've got this this nozzle
spray thing, which

How dry do you think my pussy is?

That's got 'mist'. It's
got 'soaker'. It's got 'jet'.

- It's got 'spray'.
- Those are the same settings I have.

And it plugs in, but I can only kind of
hose stuff in this kind of vicinity.

You'd think that if you did attach
another hose to that, though,

it could be incredibly useful.

Well, that's I didn't know you
could do that.

Brynley.

Hi. I put in a condom
with the end cut off.

It was useful, though, wasn't it?
But you sabotaged it.

Yeah. So now is
the least useful thing.

I mean, you just bring in a car
and just smash up the engine

with a baseball
bat and then be like

Yeah, but you brought in a fire
alarm. That was once useful as well.

It was not useful cuz the building
burned down.

Read the news. Educate yourself.

But I also don't believe
that yours is from the actual fire.

Oh, here comes the allegations now.

I reckon she
sabotaged that condom.

I reckon she burned down
the SkyCity Convention Centre.

Ok, maybe stop squibbling.
I may as well judge this one.

I mean, whoever wins
this tonight is going to

take home some absolute
pile of shit. It's gotta be said.

So three points for everyone.

- And, Mads, you get one point.
- Oh.

Because, Madeleine,
that Roomba is inspirational

for a lot of our viewers.

Ok. Cool, man.
Buy one and let's talk later.

Let's talk out after you've
had it for a couple of months.

It will haunt you.

She's quite scary
when she does that.

Ok. So that puts four
people in first place

Leigh, Guy, Brynley, and
Angela all with three points.

Ok.

All right. Is it time
for the first task?

It most definitely is.

And this one
should appeal to all,

but mainly to all the
dendrophiles out there.

I'm coming.

Why are you so far away?

Don't film this bit.

- Hello, Angela.
- Hello.

This feels like The Bachelor.

Why'd I start all
the way over here?

We needed a tree.

Yeah.

'Make this tree sexy.'

'Sexiest tree wins.'

How am I gonna make a tree sexy?

It's already sexy, in many ways.

I mean, I often think
that the sexiest thing is

something being
turned on by itself.

You know what I mean?
Are you with me?

Not really.

Maybe some lipstick.

Or...

No. That don't really show up.

I think I made out with a tree.

So what's the sexiest tree you've
ever seen, Paul?

Pohutakawa in bloom,
set to the song of the tui.

Sounds very alluring. Shall
we have a look at some flora?

We shall.

Up first, his name rhymes
with 'tree bark'. It's Leigh Hart.

Nowadays, people tend to...
downstairs maybe a little bit more.

Do we have a weed-eater?

Look, I don't want to overdo it,
as I say, it's not the 70s.

But it could get trendy again,
having a little bit down there.

Actually, you might want to check this
out, I'll take you through what I've got.

For myself, I have the one and only
Salma Hayek.

- She's an angel.
- She certainly is. And that's

I mean, I could leave it at that.
And for me, that's about enough.

The obvious thing would be to put
that there.

I'm not going to do that. I'm going
to put it around here instead, Paul.

Chris Hemsworth. This is
for the ladies, lady viewers.

There you go.
It's not going anywhere.

And finally, what I'd probably do
seeing you brought the guitar,

this is a little song I
wrote a few years back myself.

♪ Wise... ♪

That's what I can do legally,

cuz they'll rip us up in music
if I do much more than that.

- But what do you think?
- Chris didn't get a lot of the song.

No. But as I say, it's an option.
It's an option.

You mentioned something about
leaving a little bit for the '70s,

but I assume that nobody was
trimming anything in the 1970s.

Well, that's exactly right. If we
were doing the show in the '70s,

I would've probably
been bringing in stuff...

and piling it around
the tree. You know?

And this is not from
memory, of course.

I'm not old enough to remember
that, other than my parents.

God, where am I going with this?

All right. So who do
we go to the next, Paul?

Up next is Angela.

And I'd like to make this very
clear

I am contractually
obligated to play this video,

and I'm very, very sorry.

Take your pants off.

And, like, grind up against it
like it's mince.

- Like it's what?
- I don't know what else you grind.

Ok. I'm gonna squirt oil on you.

- It went in my mouth a little bit.
- These are kinda hurting.

Ok. Maybe you can take them off.

Maybe, like, put this on, though.

It's pretty cold.

I guess, like, smear
it all over your body.

- This chocolate?
- Yeah, like sexy.

It looks like you're doing...

- Cultural.
- Yeah, misappropriation.

Ok, I think that's
I think that's sexy.

Angela, did you make the tree sexy
or did you just make Paul sexy?

I think the tree was sexy.

I would argue that when
someone goes to a strip club,

they don't leave thinking,
'Wow, those poles.'

What if it's a Polish bar?

- How are your nipples?
- They've recovered.

I kissed them better.

I'm starting to get concerned

about the story arc that's
starting to develop between you two.

- Anyone else with me on this?
- Yep. Yep.

I wasn't gonna bring it
up, Jeremy. I'm glad you did, there's...

I need that chapstick.

- I don't think you do.
- I don't think you needed the chapstick.

Ok.

You can all take the next three
minutes to either watch some ads

or wash Paul Williams' oily back
out of your memory with soap.

Either way, we'll see you soon.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

the only show that dares to make
comedians get up in the morning.

Paul Williams,
what on earth is going on?

Our contestants have been tasked

with turning a regular
tree into a sexy tree.

So far, we've seen one sexy tree
and one sexy Paul Williams.

- Would you like to see more?
- I'd gladly look at more of either.

Thankfully, the next one is a tree.
Here's Brynley Stent.

Feminism is sexy,

and if you don't agree with
me, then you're a fucking sexist.

Do you want to be a sexist, Jeremy Wells?

I told you before, Brynley,
I will not be threatened.

Although, like all sane men
in the current climate,

I will be awarding you
with maximum points

no matter what my
true feelings may be.

I think that's a wise decision.

Who should we go to next, Paul?

This next attempt
is one from Madeleine

who is making a direct play
for the Taskmaster's heart

with this very six-y attempt.

- Sexy?
- Six-y.

Oh, yeah. If you can hit this one...

well, you probably can't, you silly,
bloody Kiwi, sexy Kiwi bloody cricketer.

There we go, you bloody sexy Kiwi.

Six off the last ball. Good luck.

Waltzing Matilda.

Fuck!

Sexy and good at cricket.
Nah, not fair.

A very bold assumption, Mads,

that my love of cricket
actually arouses me.

- But it does.
- Yes.

So that actually paid off.

I can't believe that we're gonna
put that on television,

cuz for me, that's essentially
pornography, what I saw there.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

She was very method in the role.

Like, even when they weren't
filming, she stayed in character.

And that character's name
was Brett Shane Brett.

I figured what's, like, the most
Aussie name you could come up with,

and I thought, 'Brett,'
and then I thought 'Shane,'

and I thought,
'Why not double Brett?'

Yeah. All right. I think we've
almost seen enough sexy stuff,

although I believe
Guy is still to come?

Unfortunately, yes.

I'd like to make
this very clear again

that I'm contractually
obligated to play this,

and I'm very, very sorry.

All right.
I'm Guy, and this is my sexy tree.

I'm sorry.
This is the best I could do.

I mean, I'm not looking at it, but

I think it looks almost identical,

but you were just in the naked.

Yeah. And I'm the sexiest man on
TV guide's sexiest man on box 2014.

So...

Ok.

Thank you, Guy.

Thank you, Paul.

- Do you need help?
- A little bit, yeah.

How good! How good!

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you.

You could argue that by
you being nude in a tree,

you actually made the tree look sexy
by your comparison to it.

- Yeah, I'll take that.
- I'll take that!

It took less than a minute for him
to settle on that idea.

And unfortunately, Guy's process was
not as simple as one would have liked.

Here's some exclusive
behind the scenes footage.

It's gonna be a sexy-as-hell tree.

I'm gonna go full nude. I feel
like I have to to make it sexy.

I can turn around if-

- Yeah, turn around.
- Ok.

Everyone turn around.

There's nowhere
to take my pants off.

Paul, I don't wanna ask you for too
much help,

but can you help
peel my underwear off

while I hold my
genitals, please?

- Ok. Shall I close my eyes?
- Yeah, I reckon.

Just come around the tree
and just help pull down my pants.

Yeah, that's my leg.

Just come up here
and pull down my pants.

- Which leg is this right or left?
- That is the right leg.

Come a bit higher.
Higher, higher.

Yeah, there we go.
Just give it a yank.

Yeah.

All right.

Is that the first time you've ever
pulled down your brother's undies?

Yes. And definitely
the last time.

I can't remember doing that,
I've, like, blacked out.

I think if I saw a naked man
in a tree

I'd call the police.

I agree. Yeah.

I'd be like, 'There's a man
who looks like Guy Williams

possibly masturbating in a tree.'

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
There was no masturbation happened.

Were you masturbating
in that tree?

His brother helped.

No. She's just
adding in weird details.

Was he masturbating
in that tree?

I can't confirm or deny.

I had my eyes covered.

In all honesty, he may have
got more points if he did.

Ok. Brynley, you're
gonna get five points

cuz I'm fearful of some
kind of feminist reprisal.

- Thank you. That's wise.
- And, Madeleine,

I think you should
get four points...

Thank you.

...because you actually
made a 14-year-old titoki

hit the ball over the middle of the
bat, which is quite sensational.

Guy, three points

for your commitment
to nudity inside of a tree.

- I like that.
- Thank you.

Leigh, two points for copyright
infringement. We can't have that

- going forward on the show.
- Yeah.

And, Angela, one point.

I don't even want to talk more about
what happened between you and Paul.

It was sexy.

I feel like after all that
it must be scoreboard time, Paul?

Yes. Brynley out in front
with eight points.

But it's pretty tight. Guy is
just two points behind on six.

All right.

Do you know...

I've already got more points

than I got in the whole
last game, so I'm nailing it.

- It might be your night tonight.
- Yeah. I'm feeling pretty good.

Probably won't be,
but still, it might be.

What have you got for me now,
Williams? Another task, I suppose.

Correct, Wells,
and it's the first team task.

And while that last one was very
horny, this one is very brassy.

Stop doing puns about tasks before anyone
knows what the task is. It doesn't work.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't even
know what that last one meant.

Let's just watch it.

- Paul, how are ya?
- Good, thank you.

Hi, Paul.

- Tuba.
- Uh-huh.

Grapes.

- Takes me back.
- Takes you back to when?

Oh, back to back to my orchestra days.

- How's it going?
- Hey, Guy.

- Nice to see you, Bryn.
- Good to see you too.

How are you?

- Very good. Nice outfit.
- Thank you. This is my costume.

This is my costume.

Damn you. Well,
you kick the shit out of me.

I used to spend a bit of time in
the orchestra, playing the violin.

Ah.

- Hey.
- Hey, how are you going?

- Yeah, good.
- You're in on this as well?

Yeah.

Oh, it must be a group challenge.

- Oh.
- Wh- heyyy

You two look great together.

You're look like you're

- about to do a double act.
- We're in love. We're in love.

- Wow.
- Yeah, thank you.

Ok. Um, well, you
better open up the

I'm a huge fan, by the way.

- Oh, same.
- Yeah. Oh.

- Of myself
- Yeah.

No, no, no. Of yours.

- Shall we do the task?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want to open it?

I'm gonna open it
and you can read it.

Ok. 'Catch a grape with this
tuba from the furthest distance.

You may not throw the grape.

'Your distance will be measured

from the first grape
successfully caught.'

'Bonus points available for
playing a lovely song on the tuba

or catching the grape.'

'You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts...'

Now!

I'm absolutely fizzing to see how
our teams approach this next task

but even more excited to
hear from my good friends

in the world of advertising

So let's do that first.
We'll see you in a bit.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where five top tier comedians
are vying for a tube of labia lipstick.

Paul, why don't you let us know
what is about to happen?

If I recall correctly,

it's something to do
with a grape and a tuba.

It's almost exactly that.

We've split our
contestants into two teams.

They have to devise
a way to get a grape

into a tuba from very far away.

The first successful attempt
is the one that counts,

so you don't want
to start too close.

- Couldn't be more simple.
- Almost too simple if you ask me.

- Shall we see the first team?
- Let's.

Here's Leigh and Angela.

- Can you play?
- I'll give it a go. Yeah.

Hang on. I can try
to do the fingering.

Oh, yeah. Ok.

Ok. I think we'll be all
right on the tune aspect.

Yeah.

It's just capturing
the grape now, so

you can't throw it. We
need to eject it somehow.

Oh, I can catapult it.

- Yes.
- Like...

Yes.

Uh, can't see anything
in here that we'd use as a...

They've got a balloon.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.
Here we go.

- That balloon.
- Oh, yeah. It's a bit tight.

Ok.

- Is there more balloons?
- Yep.

So what's the plan?

We're gonna make a catapult with
the deer antlers, balloons, clearly,

and shoot the grapes into
the tuba you see before you.

So you can...

Wow.

You should try this.

That's beautiful.

I think I'll catch the grape
first, then I'll break into tune.

Oh, yeah.

That went in.

- Ok. Let's go further back.
- No, that went in.

That went in.

Yes.

But the longest distance...
Let's keep going for further.

What does the task say?

'Your distance will be measured

from the first grape
successfully caught.

Ok. Well, that's not a bad
distance. I'm happy with that.

Can I just point to the fact we were
playing a lovely song on the tuba

while catching the grape.

So I'll finish the
song now because

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's one of those songs that has
a bit of a break in the chorus.

It's one of those songs that has
a bit of a break in the chorus.

Yeah, normally you have
the instrumental break.

We did the break
from the instrumental,

so to speak, and
did that later on.

Cuz how much of the
process were you involved in?

It seems like you weren't
involved in a lot of it.

I know it seems that way,

but I came up with a
catapult and the balloon,

and he had the antler and the
tuba. And I also did the fingering.

I'd like to think I did some
of the fingering as well.

- I'd like to move on to the second team.
- I think we should. Yeah.

So we've seen a dynamic duo.

It's time to move on
to the Three Tasketeers

Brynley, Madeleine, and Guy.

We could fling it with a slingshot.

But I'm like, if we catapult it,
would that be more accurate or?

Yeah. Catapult it.

Catapult it or hit it.

We need distance.

- Should we go out in the field.
- Yeah let's go out in the field

and get some
stuff to launch it.

I'll take the grapes.

- I'm pretty good.
- That's good.

I'm the only one doing any work
on this f-ing team.

We're all having a great laugh.

I'm trying to win the goddamn
competition.

- Get practicing.
- Sorry.

If I just throw it like
that, is that allowed?

I think that's a throw.

Why don't we tie this and then we
can hoof it?

- Oh, it's like a slingshot idea.
- Yeah.

I'm ready, bitches.

Here we go. Three, two, one.

Wow. Am I being too optimistic
standing here?

- Yeah. Yes.
- Ok.

Yes, you are. Yes.

I'm just putting the
tuba down for a second,

cuz I just want to see
if I can just smack one.

- Good idea. I'm glad you're here.
- I'll hold the tuba.

She got a hold of that one.

If you get the
middle of the spade.

Yeah.

Do I play and then catch?
Is that how this works?

Yeah. You gotta play and catch.

Ok. Ready?

Whoa.

Come on, Bryn.

Did it? Did it go in?

I think so.

- Hooray!
- Hey!

Shall I play 'We Are
The Champions'?

Yeah.

I gotta say, I was genuinely
impressed with the teamwork there.

You two farted around and
made Guy do all the heavy lifting.

Yeah.

We completely abandoned
what I was doing,

and then they did
the whole thing.

And I took the credit.
Classic man.

Is there any reason why
we didn't have to censor

Brynley's amazing rendition
of 'We Are the Champions'?

I mean, I don't know. Was
that 'We Are The Champions'?

I was trying.

We don't have it by
any chance, do we?

No, we don't.

But we do have an audio clip

of the tune she was playing
as she caught the grape.

- Ok.
- Would you like to hear that?

- I'd love to hear that.
- Ok.

Oh, God.

Awful.

Beautiful. That's really
good. It's really good.

It sounds like a pig snuffling
around in a trough.

But it was something.
I mean, it's not an easy task.

You gotta concentrate
on a few things. It's not easy.

Would you like to
know their distance?

Yes, please.

Ok, so the first team: three meters.

Brynley, Guy, and Madeleine scraped ahead
by 99cm and an additional 10 meters.

Yes!

But I'm going to score it this way. Mads,
you hit it out the middle of the spade.

- That's not easy.
- Thank you. Thanks, Coach.

Brynley, great piece
of work catching it

and playing something as well.

Guy, you didn't do much, but
you attempted to help a little bit.

Five points for you guys.

And three points for you guys,
because you got it in there,

- Yep.
- ...and that's not easy either.

Now what, Paul? Another task,
I suppose.

I don't see what not.
Or as they say in Mexico, 'tarea'.

Where's Paul?

Where's Paul?

Where's Paul?

Clear the mind.
Clear the mind.

'Pack this piñata...'

Hello.

'...with the most surprising
filling.'

'You have five minutes to plan and
20 minutes to fill the piñata.'

'Your time starts now.'

Where's Paul when you need him?

Ok, my first thought was I'm going
to take a shit into the piñata.

That was the first thing that came
to my mind.

And unfortunately, I don't need to use the
bathroom right now, so that's kind of out.

The main issue is actually getting it
in there. I don't see any kind of hole.

Wait. How do you
how do you fill a piñata?

Like, is there a-
is that part of the trick?

What was that martial arts move

that you pulled on the
empty piñata, Leigh?

It's just-
it's a clearing of the mind.

It's a martial art thing I
used to do a few years back...

in my, um,

jodo.

Your what?

Dojo.

Dojo?

- Dojo.
- My dojo, sorry.

Actually Joe used to run it.
Joe who ran the dojo.

How do you actually fill
the piñata?

Well, there was a very simple
trapdoor on the belly of the piñata.

But reviewing the footage,

four of the five contestants
did attempt to fill it

through its non-existent anus.

I cannot wait to see that, and
I can't wait to be surprised

by these surprising things.

But first, we're gonna fill three
minutes with some surprising ads.

We'll see you very soon.

Welcome back to
Taskmaster, currently

the number one show to feature
sexy trees, airborne grapes

and what now, Paul Williams?

Our contestants are
trying to surprise me

with the filling of their piñatas.

I was not present
for the piñata filling,

so what we're about to see

are my real, authentic,
unedited reactions.

Truly television at its most raw
and powerful.

Whose piñata filling
should we watch first?

We've got two fillings
with a very similar theme.

Here's Guy Williams
and Madeleine Sami.

Welcome to a world of imagination,
pleasure, and surprise.

Here before you is a
piñata for you to bash.

Some surprising things inside.

Can't wait to see the look
of surprise on your face, mate.

Oh, ok.

All right you're literally
flogging a dead horse.

Really? Oh my God.

Oh, God, Paul.

You're supposed to smash the
piñata, not the things inside of it.

Whoa. Surprise.

So there's lollies.

Yeah. What's that
in your hand though?

- Another piñata.
- Another piñata

inside the piñata inside
the piñata. What's that?

- A piñata.
- Another piñata inside the piñata.

How good?!

Is that my album?

Yeah. You just
killed your album, bro.

- Did you illegally burn that?
- Maybe.

I'm surprised, and
I'm the one who did it.

Like, how is that even possible?

- Is there anything else in here?
- They are little mini piñatas.

You'd know that if you hadn't
bashed them to smithereens.

It was pregnant.

Twins.

So you're happy with how it went?

Well, to be fair, you were, like, going
out of your way to hide your emotion,

but I know you. Speaking to the
camera now. I've known Paul his whole life.

He doesn't show many emotions.

And isn't that just typical
of Kiwi males these days?

They don't show what's on the inside,
you know? They don't let their heart bleed.

But I know when I
saw a Paul there,

that was as surprised as
he's ever been in his entire life.

Whoa. Surprise.

This is about men's
mental health awareness.

Get out there, get
yourself checked.

Kia kaha. God Defend New Zealand.

- Thank you, Guy.
- Thanks, Paul.

I don't think anyone has ever done less for
men's mental health awareness than you.

Go out there and
get yourself checked.

Yeah.

If anything, I've made the situation
worse for a lot of men.

Guy, you put lollies
inside of your piñata.

Yeah.

It's not very surprising,
really, lollies inside of a piñata.

No, no, no.

It was piñata inception,
guys. There was a piñata,

inside there was
a smaller piñata.

Inside that there was another piñata.
Inside that there was another piñata.

Inside that was a lolly. Is it- is that
not blowing people's mind right now?

- I like it.
- Wow.

I feel like you're slightly

over-exaggerating how
many piñatas there were.

Whoa. I'm amazed.

Also, so I did the piñata
within the piñata as well,

so it possibly wasn't as much
of a surprise depending on who was...

I did see Madeleine's first.

Whose piñatas are next?

Up next we're heading to sunny L.A.,
which stands for Sunny Leigh Angela.

- Oh, g'day, mate. How are ya?
- Hello, Leigh.

So you have to pull the tail.

- There's, like, an arrow thing there.
- Oh, ok.

I'm kind of hoping you can maybe

- get underneath it.
- Ok.

And kind of even lying down there,
would be- would be quite good for me.

And what I might do,
and it's also a Mexican thing,

I might head over here and
give you a bit of a soundtrack,

Ok. Poor me. How hard?

Uh, just keep pulling.

- Down?
- Yeah, that's the one.

When you're ready.

♪ Me, me, me. ♪

Is that a pizza?

- Yeah.
- And a Christmas cracker?

Yeah.

Is it, like, turmeric
or something,

- like some sort of spice?
- Yeah.

And a bit of flour. It's supposed to be,
like, sort of a chilli kind of pepper.

Vegetarian spinach.

Yeah. Are you vegetarian?

No.

I was hoping for an
effect where, to be honest,

you were actually
going to get doused

in the flour and the turmeric,
but I think you you get the idea.

'Why did no one bid for Rudolph
and Blitzen on TradeMe?'

- Um...
- Because they were too 'deer'.

What surprises me here, Angela, is that

you were able to source a
Christmas cracker out of season.

That's impressive.

The arrow was actually connected to the
little string in the Christmas cracker.

So when he pulls it, it's supposed to bang.
But it got soggy cuz of the pizza.

So was your idea that you pull
the Christmas cracker

and the Christmas cracker makes
the whole piñata explode?

Yeah. We don't really celebrate
Christmas with Christmas crackers,

so I just thought it was a big...

You're thinking of fireworks.

Damn. Yeah.

Inside the Christmas cracker was the first
ever Christmas cracker hat to fit my head.

Wow.

I don't know, yeah,

- it was a good quality-
- Sorry, you look surprised.

I guess, yeah. I was quite
surprised it fit my head.

Seemed quite surprised.

Leigh, what did you put in your
piñata?

Basically, I wanted to
do a bomb type thing

chilli and spices that
would go in Paul's eyes.

And that even if he wasn't
surprised,

he would have to
have a very surprised

burning kind of look on
his face as it happened.

I think it was turmeric
and corn kernels.

Famously spicy.

I would say that's sort
of a white person spice.

Cuz I would definitely go with a lot more
curry powder, masala, and chilli.

I should've just put diesel
in there or something.

- I'm ready for another piñata.
- Then another piñata you shall have.

Here's Brynley whacking one.

- Hi, Paul.
- Hello, Brynley.

Yeah. You can just go for it
with the cricket bat.

I'm just gonna stand back,
if that's all right with you.

- No worries.
- His name is, um...

I'd rather probably you didn't name him
before I hit him with a bat.

- Ok.
- I go for it?

- Hey, good luck, Paul.
- Thanks, Brynley.

Good luck, Fabio.

Sorry, I shouldn't have
named him. His name's Fabio.

Yeah, ok.

Sorry, Fabio.

♪ Amazing Grace... ♪

- ♪ ...how sweet the sound... ♪
- Fabio!

What have you done?

- ♪ ...that saved a wretch like me. ♪
- Oh God, his guts!

I can't look at it any more.

Sorry, Brynley.

Sorry, Fabio.

That was truly devastating.

So a couple of weeks ago,
you named a squirrel Sriracha.

- Yep.
- And now you've got Fabio the piñata.

- Yeah, correcto.
- I feel very sorry

for your future children.

Yeah. I guess they'll end up with some sort
of food based or normal name.

What exactly was inside
your piñata?

Um, mince, sausages,
and some makeshift blood bags?

- Fake blood.
- Mm. Yep. Yep.

Yeah. My parents worried about me
as well.

To be honest, I know Brynley,
and I wasn't that surprised.

I'm gonna struggle
scoring this one

because the task is all
about surprising Paul,

and I don't know if you've
noticed, but Paul really shows

no emotion in
any situation at all.

So I'm not really surprised
that there's not a lot of surprise

coming from Paul and nobody
is really able to surprise him.

Were you surprised by any of them maybe?

I was surprised at his lack of surprise.

I'm surprised to hear that.

But, Angela, I think that you do
deserve five points.

I think that's only fair
because veggie pizza

and a Christmas cracker
inside a piñata were quite good.

Mads, three points for you.

Brynley and Leigh get
two points each.

And, Guy, minus one point for doing
damage to men's mental health.

We'll be back after this with
a beauty of a live task. But first,

get ready to whack open your wallets
because it's time to watch some ads.

We'll see you in a moment.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

We are so very close to
finding out who gets to walk away

with the world's worst condom.

Paul, please tell us
who is in the lead.

Still out in front,
Brynley on 15 points.

Quite tight, though. Madeleine's
just two points behind on 13.

And with that, we head to the stage for
our final task of the evening.

Little bit disappointed that there's no
elaborate food props this week, Paul.

No gimmicks this week.
It's for the task purists out there.

Madeleine, would you please do
me the honour of reading this task?

I would love to do you...

the honour.

Sorry. There's been a lot
of objectification of Paul,

and I just want to get in on it,
to be honest.

Ok, thank you, Paul,
you sexy thing.

Write down a sport, an animal, and a color.
You have 10 seconds to complete all three.

Pens down.

- Leigh was still writing.
- You were as well.

Yeah, ok. I was too.

But Leigh was more than me.

Madeleine, would you do me the
honour of reading the second task?

Oh, I would love to do
you the honour.

Uh, smut. All right, here we go.

'Strike a pose to represent firstly your
sport, then your animal, then your color.

'The Taskmaster will attempt
to guess what each pose represents.

'You may not speak or move
once your pose is struck.

'Most poses correctly guessed
by the Taskmaster wins.'

So we're gonna start with your sport pose,
then animal pose, and then color pose.

Prepare to strike a pose.

- Angela, woodchopping.
- No.

Cricket.

Brynley, gymnastics.

- Correct.
- Yes.

- Guy, basketball.
- Money, baby.

Uh, so what's happened here is
Leigh's actually left sport blank.

I ran out of time. I don't know-
I suppose I'm kind of a couch sport

I mean, he was blank.
He was doing nothing.

Yeah.

- That'll be a point.
- Don't give him a point for that!

- Well, he was doing nothing.
- Wait! Wait! I mean, fair enough. I mean

That's disgusting.

- Some people don't play sport.
- This is bullshit.

And I think I did a pretty good
description of that.

- That's clearly batting. That's cricket.
- Thank you.

Oh, wait, can you show me? Like...

Show me.

And then I was about to play
a beautiful, just drive.

- Oh, that is lovely. That's lovely.
- See. I did that.

That is lovely.

Ok, round two.

Your animal.

- A rabbit?
- No.

A cat.

Brynley is clearly a hoiho,
or yellow-eyed penguin.

Penguin. I'll give it a tick.

Guy is a bear.

No.

Tiger, obviously.

Leigh is a...

a hairless Tasmanian devil.

Did you say 'lemur'? Yeah.

- And you're a cat.
- Thank you. Yeah.

Can you show me how you did cat?

I was I'm glad I didn't do this.

- And finally, your color.
- Are you ready to pose?

Oh, this looks wrong.

Pink.

Blue.

It is a balloon.

Brynley, it's yellow.

- Yes.
- It's actually mustard.

- Green?
- Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

- Rhymes with...
- No. Zip it.

Brown.

Beige.

- No. Darker than that, obviously.
- Well, you can't talk so...

- Oh.
- ...I'm not gonna award you any points.

- Correct answer was black.
- Black?

- Yes.
- Ok.

Clearly.

- Madeleine, you're red.
- Thank you.

Wow. Great.

Anger. Anger. It was
anger. It makes you red.

All right. It's time to
strike another pose.

This one is a
comfortable sitting pose.

Everyone can return
down to the stage.

Welcome back to your seats,
everyone. Time to score that round.

Firstly, Brynley and Madeleine,
five points each. Well acted out.

- Guy, three points.
- Yes!

Thank you. I feel like I asked
for that, but I deserved it.

Leigh, one point.

- Fuck.
- And Angela, zero.

I'd like to strike another pose.
Um...

So how does that place
everyone for the series, firstly?

It's very tight.

- In second place, Brynley with 51 points.
- Oh.

And only half a point ahead, currently
leading, is Madeleine Sami.

That half point.

- Who knew you could even get half points?
- Yeah.

I didn't.

So what does it mean
for this episode then?

Uh, that means the winner
for this episode with 20 points...

Brynley Stent.

There are many takeaways
from tonight.

We've learnt not to body shame trees
as they are sexy just the way they are.

We've learnt that a hole on the
piñata isn't in the same place

as the hole on the donkey.

And we've also learnt
that our deserving

champion of episode
three is Brynley Stent.

Congratulations, Brynley. Now,
make use of your non-useful thing.

Go lather up with some labia
lipstick and enjoy your haul.

We'll see you next week!

That truly had it all.
We had the stunt.

We had a great performance.

There was a political message.

Queer. I'm here. Get used to it.

It is gonna take a lot to top that one.

That was the sex scene.

I have no words for that.